The Dragon

A fairy tale in three acts

by
Eugene Schwartz
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Characters

The Dragon.
Lancelot.
Charlemagne – the archivist.
Elza – his daughter.
The Burgomaster.
Heinrich – his son.
Cat.
Donkey.
1st Weaver.
2nd Weaver.
Master of hats and hatrelated crafts.
Master of musical crafts.
Blacksmith.
Elza's friends.
Watchman.
Gardener.
1st townsperson.
2nd townsperson.
1st townslady
2nd townslady.
Boy.
Peddler.
Jailor.
Servants, Guards, Townspeople
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ACT ONE

A roomy, comfortable kitchen, very clean with a big fireplace toward the back.
Stone floors, gleaming. On an armchair before the fire – a dozing cat.

Lancelot (walks in, looks around, calls). Mr. Owner! Mrs. Owner! Answer me, living soul! No
one... The house is empty, the gate is unshut, the doors are unlocked, the windows are wide open.
How nice that I am an honest person, or otherwise, right now, I'd have to be trembling, looking
around, grabbing for the most expensive stuff, and then running for my life – when I would so
much rather just rest. (Sits.) Let us wait. Mr. Cat! Shall your owners be back soon, sir? Well?
Don't you talk?
Cat. I don't.
Lancelot. And why not, sir, may I know?
Cat. When you are warm and cozy, it is wiser to dream and keep quiet, my dearest.
Lancelot. But where are your owners?
Cat. They are gone, and that is extremely pleasant.
Lancelot. You don't like them?
Cat. I love them with every little hair of my fur, with my paws and with all my whiskers, but
they are threatened by a terrible evil. My soul is at rest only when they leave the house.
Lancelot. So that's what it is. Then some trouble threatens them? What kind of trouble? You
won't tell me?
Cat. I don't talk.
Lancelot. Why not?
Cat. When you are warm and cozy, it is wiser to dream and keep quiet than to go digging in the
unpleasant future. Meow!
Lancelot. Cat, you're scaring me. This kitchen is so peaceful, the fire so caringly prepared in the
fireplace. I simply don't want to believe that this dear, airy home is threatened by some evil. Cat!
What's happened here? Tell me already! Well!
Cat. Let me forget myself, stranger.
Lancelot. Listen, cat, you don't know me. I am such a light kind of person, that, just like a tiny
bit of down, I go with the wind, the world over. And it is very easy for me to get caught up in
 3

other people's business. Because of this, I've already been wounded nineteen times lightly, five
times heavily and three times to the death. But I am still alive, because in addition to being as
light as a feather, I am also stubborn as an ass. So speak to me, cat, what's happened here? And
what if I do save your owners? It's happened to me before. Well? Oh come on! What's your
name?
Cat. Daisy.
Lancelot. I thought you were a he-cat.
Cat. I am, but sometimes, people can be so careless. My owners for example, they still wonder
why I have never been pregnant yet. They say: what's with you, little girl? Dear people, poor
people! And more than this I won't say a single word.
Lancelot. Tell me at least who they are, your owners?
Cat. Mr. Charlemagne the archivist and his only daughter, who has such soft little paws,
wonderful, beautiful, quiet Elza.
Lancelot. So which one of them is in danger?
Cat. Oh, she, she is and, therefore, all of us are!
Lancelot. And what's threatening her? Come on!
Cat. Meow! Soon now it will be four hundred years since our city became home to a dragon.
Lancelot. A dragon? Great!
Cat. He made his home over our city and placed us under a tribute. Every year this dragon
chooses for himself a maiden. And we, with not a meow against it, give her to the dragon. And
he leads her away into his cave. And we never see her again. They say that they die in there out
of sheer disgust. Hs-s! Scram, you, scr-ram! H-h-h!
Lancelot. Who was that for?
Cat. The dragon. He chose our Elza! Wretched reptile! H-h-h-h!
Lancelot. How many heads has he got?
Cat. Three.
Lancelot. Considerable. And paws?
Cat. Four.
Lancelot. Well, that's all right. Clawed?
Cat. Yes. Five claws to every paw. Each claw as big as an elk's horn.
Lancelot. Seriously? And these claws of his, are they sharp?
 4

Cat. Like knives.

Lancelot. So. And does he breathe flame?
Cat. Yes.
Lancelot. Real flame?
Cat. Forests burn.
Lancelot. Aha. Is he scaly?
Cat. He is.
Lancelot. Must be pretty tough scales, too?
Cat. Substantial.
Lancelot. Seriously.
Cat. Diamond won't pierce him.
Lancelot. So. I see. Tall?
Cat. As a church.
Lancelot. Aha, all clear then. Well, cat, thank you.
Cat. Shall you fight him, sir?
Lancelot. We shall see.
Cat. I beg you, sir – challenge him to battle. He will, of course, slay you, but, in the meantime,
there'll be a chance to dream, lying sprawled out by the fire, how by a miracle or by mistake, thus
or so, if not this way then that way, maybe, might be, and what if you do kill him.
Lancelot. Thank you, cat.
Cat. Get up.
Lancelot. What's happened?
Cat. They're coming.
Lancelot. I hope I like her, oh, if only I like her! That helps so much... (looks out the window.) I
like her! Cat, she is a very nice girl. What's this? Cat! She's smiling? Why, she is perfectly calm!
You tricked me?
Cat. No. The saddest part of this story is just that, that they're smiling. Quiet. Hello! Let's have
supper, my dear friends. Elza and Charlemagne walk in.
Lancelot. Hello, kind sir and beautiful lady.
Charlemagne. Hello, young man.
Lancelot. What with the gate open and the fire burning in the kitchen, your house looked at me in
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such a friendly way that I just walked right in without being invited. I'm sorry.
Charlemagne. There is no need to apologize. Our doors are open to everyone.
Elza. Please have a seat, sir. Here, give me your hat, I shall put it up behind the door. Now to
make the table... Sir, what's wrong?
Lancelot. Nothing.
Elza. I thought that I... frightened you?
Lancelot. No, no... That was just nothing, miss.
Charlemagne. Sit, my friend. I like travelers. It must be from having lived my whole life never
leaving the city myself. Where have you come from?
Lancelot. From the south.
Charlemagne. And have you had many adventures along the way?
Lancelot. Oh, more than I should have wished for.
Elza. You must be tired then. Come, sir, sit. Why do you keep standing?
Lancelot. Thank you.
Charlemagne. You can rest well with us. We have a very quiet city. Nothing ever happens here.
Lancelot. Nothing?
Charlemagne. Nothing, sir. Although we did have a very strong wind blowing just last week.
One of the houses almost lost its roof. But then that's no big happening.
Elza. There's the supper on the table. Welcome to, gentlemen. Well, what's wrong?
Lancelot. Forgive me, miss, but... You say you have a very quiet city?
Elza. Of course.
Lancelot. And... and the dragon?
Charlemagne. Oh, that. But we are so used to him. He's already been with us for four hundred
years.
Lancelot. But, sir... I was told that your daughter...
Elza. Mr. Passerby...
Lancelot. My name is Lancelot.
Elza. Mr. Lancelot, forgive me, I am not at all criticizing you for anything, but all the same I'm
asking you: not a word about that.
Lancelot. Why not?
Elza. Because there's nothing anyone can do about it.
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Lancelot. And that's it?

Charlemagne. Yes, there is nothing anyone can do about this. We were walking together in the
woods just now and talked everything through so well, so thoroughly. Tomorrow, as soon as the
dragon takes her away, I will die as well.
Elza. Father, don't talk about that.
Charlemagne. Then that's that, then that's that.
Lancelot. Forgive me, just one more question. Hasn't anyone ever tried to fight him?
Charlemagne. In the last two hundred years – no. Before then they battled him quite often, but he
would slay all his challengers. He is a rare strategist and a great tactician. He falls upon his foe
suddenly, hurls rocks at him from above, then drops down like a rock himself, straight for the
horse's head, blasting it with flame, thus utterly demoralizing the poor beast. And then he tears
apart the rider with his claws. So, eventually, people stopped going up against him...
Lancelot. But have you ever had the whole city go?
Charlemagne. Yes.
Lancelot. And then?
Charlemagne. He burned down the suburbs and drove half the townspeople mad with poisonous
smoke. He is a mighty warrior.
Elza. Help yourself to some more butter, Mr. Lancelot.
Lancelot. Yes, yes, I will. I need to gather up strength. And so – do forgive me, that I keep
questioning you – no one now even tries to stand up to the dragon? He has become an utter
tyrant?
Charlemagne. Not at all! He is so kind!
Lancelot. Kind?
Charlemagne. I assure you. When the cholera threatened our city, he heard the town doctor's
request and breathed his fire at the lake, thus boiling it. The whole city drank boiled water and
was saved from the epidemic.
Lancelot. Was this long ago?
Charlemagne. Oh, not at all. Only eighty two years passed since then. But good deeds are never
forgotten.
Lancelot. And what other good deeds has he done?
Charlemagne. He rid us of the gypsies.
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Lancelot. But gypsies are very nice people.

Charlemagne. Why, sir! The horror! Of course, I myself have never seen a gypsy in my life. But
back in school I learned that they are a terrible people.
Lancelot. But why?
Charlemagne. They are vagrants by nature, by blood. They are enemies of any system of
government, or else they would have settled down already somewhere or other, and not just
roamed around and around as they do. Their songs are devoid of masculinity and their ideas are
destructive. They kidnap children. They slip through – everywhere. Today we are wholly
cleansed of them, but only a hundred years ago every brunette had to prove that he had no gypsy
blood.
Lancelot. Who told you all this about the gypsies?
Charlemagne. Our dragon. The gypsies shamelessly acted up against his authority in the first
years of his rule.
Lancelot. Excellent, impatient people.
Charlemagne. Don't, Mr. Lancelot, please don't talk that way.
Lancelot. What does he eat, your dragon?
Charlemagne. Our city gives him a thousand cows, two thousand sheep, five thousand chickens
and two large sacks of salt a month. Summer and autumn this contribution also includes ten
vegetable gardens' worth of lettuce, asparagus and cauliflower.
Lancelot. He eats everything you have!
Charlemagne. Oh, not at all! We don't complain. And how else could it be? While he is here, no
other dragon will dare to touch us.
Lancelot. But, as far as I know, all the others were killed off a long time ago!
Charlemagne. And if not? I assure you, the only sure way to be rid of the dragons is to have one
of your own. I beg you, sir, enough about him. Tells us something interesting instead.
Lancelot. All right. Have you heard of the pleading book?
Elza. No.
Lancelot. Then hear. A five years' walk from here, in the Black Mountains, there is a giant cave.
In this cave lies a book filled with writing to the middle page. No one ever touches it, but page
after page is added to those already written, added every day. Who's writing? The world!
Mountains, grasses, rocks, trees, rivers, they see what people do. To them are known all the
 8

crimes of the criminals, all the troubles of those suffering in vain. From branch to branch, from
raindrop to raindrop, from cloud to cloud the pleas of humanity reach the cave in the Black
Mountains, and the book grows. If this book did not exist, the trees would have withered of
sadness, and the water would turn to tears. For whom is the book written? For me.
Elza. For you?
Lancelot. For us. For me and for a small few others. We are light, careful people. We found out,
that such a book exists, and were not too lazy to go find it. And whoever looks into that book
once will not find peace in ages. Oh, what a pleading book it is! Those pleas are impossible not
to answer. So we answer.
Elza. How?
Lancelot. We get involved in other people's business. We help those, who have to be helped. And
destroy those who have to be destroyed. Shall I help you?
Elza. How?
Charlemagne. What can you help us with, young man?
Cat. Meow!
Lancelot. Three times now I've been mortally wounded, and it was exactly by those people
whom I had to force into being saved. And yet, even though you're not asking me to do it, I shall
challenge the dragon to battle. You hear me, Elza?
Elza. No, no! He will kill you, and it will poison the last hours of my life.
Cat. Meow!
Lancelot. I shall challenge the dragon to battle!

An increasingly loud screeching, howling, crashing, roaring.

The windows quiver. A glare starts up outside.

Cat. Speak of the devil!

The roar and howl are suddenly cut off. A loud knock at the door.

Charlemagne. Come in!

A richly dressed footman walks in.

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Page. Mr. Dragon here.

Charlemagne. Welcome!

The footman throws the door wide open. A pause. And now, an aged but tough, well-preserved
platinum blonde man with a soldier's bearing unhurriedly enters into the room. He has a crew cut
which is as bristly as a hedgehog. He is broadly smiling. On the whole, his manner, despite being
slightly rude, is not without a certain charm.
He is slightly deaf.

Man. Howdy, boys! Elza, hello, baby girl! But you've got a guest. Who's that?
Charlemagne. A traveler, a stranger passing by our town.
Man. How's that? Make your report loud and clear, like a soldier.
Charlemagne. Traveler!
Man. Not a gypsy?
Charlemagne. Dear no! This is a very nice person.
Man. Huh?
Charlemagne. Nice person!
Man. Good. Traveler! Why don't you look at me? What are you staring at the door for?
Lancelot. I am waiting for the dragon to come in.
Man. Ha-ha! I am the dragon.
Lancelot. You, sir? But I was told you have three heads, claws, huge dimensions!
Dragon. I'm just visiting today, without the formalities.
Charlemagne. Mr. Dragon has lived among humans for so long, that sometimes he turns human
himself and comes to visit us, as a friend.
Dragon. Yes. We truly are friends, my dear Charlemagne. To each of you, I am even more than
only a friend. I am the friend of your childhood. More than this, I am the friend of your father's
childhood, your grandfather's, your greatgrandfather's. I remember your greatgreatgrandpops in
scout shorts. Bah! An unbidden tear. Ha-ha! The visitor is staring. You didn't expect such
feelings out of me? Well? Answer me! Son of a bitch, lost his head. Indeed. That's all right. Ha-
ha. Elza!
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Elza. Yes, Mr. Dragon.

Dragon. Gimme your paw.

Elza reaches her hand out to the Dragon

Little brat. Vixen. What a warm little paw. Snout up! Smile. So. What's the matter, stranger? Eh?
Lancelot. Gazing, sir.
Dragon. Atta boy. Crisp answer. Gaze. It's simple rules here, stranger. Like soldiers. One-two,
tears won't do. Eat!
Lancelot. Thank you, I am full.
Dragon. That's all right, eat. Why have you come?
Lancelot. On business.
Dragon. What kind of business? Come on, let's hear it. Eh? It's possible I'll even help you. Why
have you come to town?
Lancelot. To kill you.
Dragon. Louder!
Elza. No, no! He's joking! Here, would you like me to give you my hand again, Mr. Dragon?
Dragon. What?
Lancelot. I challenge you to battle, you hear that, dragon?

The Dragon is silent, his face going purple.

I challenge you to battle for a third time, you hear?

A deafening, terrifying triple roar explodes into the air. Despite its power this roar, which causes
the walls to tremble, is not without a certain music. There is nothing human in it. It is the Dragon
roaring, fists clenched, feet stamping on the floor.

Dragon (suddenly cutting himself short. Calmly). Idiot. Well? Why don't you talk? Scared?
Lancelot. No.
Dragon. No?
Lancelot. No.
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Dragon. Fine then. (Makes a light movement of his shoulders and suddenly becomes startlingly
different. A new head appears on the Dragon's shoulders. The old one vanishes without a trace.
A serious, reserved, highforeheaded, narrowfaced graying blonde man stands before Lancelot.)
Cat. Don't be surprised, dear Lancelot. He's got three heads. So he flips 'em as it grips 'im
Dragon. (His voice has changed to suit his face. Softly. A little dryly). Your name, sir, is
Lancelot?
Lancelot. Yes.
Dragon. You are a descendant of the famous wandering knight Lancelot?
Lancelot. He is my distant relative.
Dragon. I accept your challenge, Mr. Lancelot. Wandering knights are essentially gypsies. It is a
duty to destroy you.
Lancelot. I won't let you.
Dragon. I have destroyed: eight hundred and nine knights, nine hundred and five persons of
unknown standing, one drunken old man, two lunatics, two women – mother and aunt
respectively of maidens I had chosen – and one twelve-year-old boy – brother to one another
maiden of the same sort. Moreover, six armies and five unruly mobs. Please, sir, have a seat.
Lancelot (sits). Thank you, sir.
Dragon. Sir, do you smoke? Do smoke, don't feel shy.
Lancelot. Thank you. (Takes out his pipe, fills it unhurriedly with tobacco).
Dragon. Do you know on what day I came into the world?
Lancelot. On a bad one.
Dragon. On the day of a terrible battle. On that day Attila himself suffered a defeat, - you
understand how many warriors had to be dropped for that to happen? The earth was soaked with
blood. The foliage on the trees turned brown by midnight. Huge black mushrooms – their name
is coffinflowers – had grown beneath the trees by dawn. And creeping after them out of the soil
came I. I am the son of war. War is what I am. The blood of dead Huns flows in my veins – that
is a cold blood, sir. In battle, I am cold, calm and accurate.

At the word "accurate" the Dragon makes a light movement with

his hand. A dry snap sounds. A ribbon of flame leaps forth from the Dragon's index finger. It
ignites the tobacco in Lancelot's by now fully stuffed pipe.
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Lancelot. Thank you. (Draws with pleasure.)

Dragon. Sir, you are against me. It follows you are against war?
Lancelot. Oh, not at all! I have been fighting all my life.
Dragon. You are a stranger here, but it is ages since we have learned to understand one another.
The whole town will look on you with horror and rejoice at your destruction. An unhonored
death awaits you. Do you understand?
Lancelot. No.
Dragon. I see you are still resolved, as prior?
Lancelot. And then some.
Dragon. You are a worthy enemy.
Lancelot. Thank you.
Dragon. I shall war with you in earnest.
Lancelot. Excellent.
Dragon. That means, sir, that I shall murder you at once. Now. Here.
Lancelot. But I am unarmed!
Dragon. And you would like me to give you time to arm yourself? I told you, I shall war with
you in earnest, Mr. Lancelot. I will attack you suddenly, right now... Ms. Elza, please to bring a
broom.
Elza. Why?
Dragon. I shall presently incinerate this man, and you will sweep out his ashes.
Lancelot. You are afraid of me?
Dragon. I do not know what fear is.
Lancelot. Then why this rush? Give me time until tomorrow. I will find myself weapons, and we
will meet out on the plain.
Dragon. And what for?
Lancelot. So that the people will not think that you're a coward.
Dragon. The people will not know anything. These two will keep shut. You, sir, will die right
now, bravely, quietly and utterly unknown. (Lifts his hand.)
Charlemagne. Wait!
Dragon. What's the matter?
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Charlemagne. You may not kill him, sir.

Dragon. What?
Charlemagne. I beg you, sir – do don't be angry, I am loyal to you with all my soul. But I am the
archivist.
Dragon. What has your job to do with this?
Charlemagne. There is, sir, a document in my keeping, signed by you three hundred and eighty-
two years ago. This document is not annulled. You see, sir, I am not objecting, only reminding.
It's signed "The Dragon."
Dragon. So what?
Charlemagne. This is my daughter, after all. I only wish that she might live a little longer. It's
only natural.
Dragon. Your point, sir.
Charlemagne. Come what will – I do object. You cannot kill him, Mr. Dragon. Whoever offers
you a challenge is safe until the day of battle – so you write and confirm it with your oath. And
the day of battle is to be set not by you, but by that person, who has challenged you – says the
document, and an oath confirms this. And the whole city is required to assist that person, who
shall offer you a challenge, and no one will be punished – this, too, is confirmed by an oath.
Dragon. When was this document written?
Charlemagne. Three hundred and eighty-two years ago, sir.
Dragon. I was a naive, sentimental, inexperienced brat back then.
Charlemagne. But the document is not annulled.
Dragon. Oh well...
Charlemagne. But the document...
Dragon. That's enough about documents. We're all grownups here.
Charlemagne. But you yourself signed, sir... I could fetch the document.
Dragon. Stand still, citizen.
Charlemagne. A man has been found, who is trying to save my girl. Loving your child – that's all
right. That's permitted. And then, there's hospitality – that, too, is quite permitted. Then why do
you look at me in such a dreadful way, sir? (Covers his face with his hands.)
Elza. Father! Father!
Charlemagne. I protest!
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Dragon. Fine. I'll just destroy the whole nest of them right now.
Lancelot. And the whole world will learn that you are a coward!
Dragon. From whom?

In a single bound, the cat flies out the window. Hisses from afar.

Cat. From me, you old lizard! I'll tell everyone everything, everything!

Once more the Dragon explodes into a roar, now just as powerful as before,
but this time there are sounds of wheezing, broken coughing, moans clearly breaking through its
notes. It is the cry of an enormous, ancient and malignant monster.

Dragon (suddenly cutting himself short.) Fine. We fight tomorrow, as you, sir, have desired.

Rapidly walks out. And immediately a screeching, roaring, crashing noise rises up outside the
door. The walls tremble, the lamp flickers. Growing distant, the noise fades.

Charlemagne. Flew away! What have I done! Oh, what have I done! I am a miserable old egoist.
But I had no other choice! Elza, you are mad at me?
Elza. Oh, not at all!
Charlemagne. I feel very weak all of a sudden. Forgive me. I'll lie down. No, no, don't come
away with me. Stay with our guest. Amuse him with conversation – after all, he was so kind to
us. Do forgive me, I shall go lie down. (Leaves.)
Elza. Why have you started all this? I'm not criticizing you, sir, but everything was so clear and
dignified. It is not at all so scary dying young. Everyone will grow old, but not you.
Lancelot. What are you saying! Just think! Trees, even they sigh when you cut them down.
Elza. But I am not complaining.
Lancelot. And why not?
Elza. Because I don't want to be pitied.
Lancelot. And you don't pity your father?
Elza. But he will die just then, when death is what he wants. That's essentially happiness.
Lancelot. And you don't pity parting with your friends?
 15

Elza. But if not for me the dragon would have chosen one of them.
Lancelot. And your fiancé?
Elza. How did you know that I used to have a fiancé?
Lancelot. I felt it. So you don't think it's a pity, saying good-bye to him?
Elza. But the dragon made Heinrich his personal secretary to console him.
Lancelot. So that's what it is. But then, of course, it isn't such a pity to say good-bye to him after
all. Well and what about your hometown? Don't you pity saying good-bye to that?
Elza. But my hometown is exactly what I am dying for.
Lancelot. And it just calmly accepts your sacrifice?
Elza. No, no! I will be gone on Sunday, and all the way through to Tuesday the whole city will
be deep in mourning. For three whole days no one will eat meat. At tea, they will serve special
rolls called "the poor maiden" – in memory of me.
Lancelot. And that's it?
Elza. And what else can anybody do?
Lancelot. Kill the dragon.
Elza. That's impossible.
Lancelot. The dragon has wrenched your soul, poisoned your blood and filled your eyes with
smoke. But we'll fix all that.
Elza. Don't, sir. If what you say of me is true, then it were best for me to die.

The Cat runs in.

Cat. Eight of my lady cat-friends and forty eight of my kittens have run to all the houses and told
of the coming battle. Meow! The Burgomaster is running this way!
Lancelot. The Burgomaster? Great!

The Burgomaster runs in.

Burgomaster. Hello, Ms. Elza. Where's the stranger?

Lancelot. Here I am.
Burgomaster. First of all, mister, do be so kind as to speak as quietly as possible, preferably
 16

without gestures, move softly, and do not look me in the eyes.

Lancelot. Why not?
Burgomaster. Because my nerves are an unsightly mess. I am ill with every nervous and
psychiatric illness that there is, and, on top of that, with three that are still unknown. You think it
is light work being burgomaster under a dragon?
Lancelot. Then you'll get better when I kill the dragon.
Burgomaster. Better? Ha-ha! Better! Ha-ha! Better! (becomes hysterical. Drinks water. Calms
down.) That you have dared to challenge Mr. Dragon, sir, is a misfortune. Things used to be all
in order. With his influence Mr. Dragon kept my assistant, an extraordinary scoundrel, and all his
gang of merchant flour-millers in check. Now, everything will get all mixed up. Mr. Dragon will
busy himself preparing for battle and abandon for good all matters of city government, to which
he had only just now begun to tender his attention.
Lancelot. Why, understand already, you poor man, I shall save the city! Burgomaster. City? Ha-
ha! City! City! Ha-ha! (Drinks water, calms down.) My assistant is such a scoundrel, I will
sacrifice two cities only to destroy him. Better five dragons than such a wretch as my assistant. I
beg you, sir, leave town.
Lancelot. I won't.
Burgomaster. Congratulations sir, this is a fit of catalepsy. (Freezes with a bitter smile on his
face.)
Lancelot. I'll save everyone! Please understand!

The Burgomaster says nothing.

You don't understand?

The Burgomaster says nothing.

Lancelot splashes him with water.

Burgomaster. No, I do not understand you, sir. Who is asking you to fight him?
Lancelot. The whole city wishes it.
Burgomaster. Oh? Look out the window. The city's best people all ran here to ask you to beat it!
 17

Lancelot. Where are they?

Burgomaster. There, hugging the walls. Come closer, my friends.
Lancelot. Why are they walking on tiptoe?
Burgomaster. So as not to tread upon my nerves. My friends, tell Lancelot, what you want from
him. Well! One! Two! Three!
Chorus of voices. Leave us alone! Stop stalling! Go today!

Lancelot comes away from the window.

Burgomaster. You see! If you are a humane and cultured person, you will submit yourself to the
will of the people.
Lancelot. Never!
Burgomaster. Congratulations sir, this is a light lunatic dementia. (Props one arm against his
side, curves the other out gracefully.) I am a teapot, brew me!
Lancelot. I know why these nobodies ran here on their toes.
Burgomaster. And why is that?
Lancelot. So as not to wake up the real people. But I'll go have a talk with them right now. (Runs
out.)
Burgomaster. Boil me! But then, what can he do? The dragon will give the order, and we'll toss
him in jail. Dear Elza, have no fears. On the very second, at the settled hour, our dear dragon will
seal you in his arms. Rest assured.
Elza. Good.

A knock at the door.

Come in.

Enters the same page,

who announced the coming of the Dragon.

Burgomaster. Hello, junior.

Page. Hello, father.
Burgomaster. You came from him? There is not going to be any fight, of course? You brought
 18

the order to put Lancelot in jail?

Page. Mr. Dragon commands: first – set the fight for tomorrow; second – provide Lancelot with
weapons; third – use your head.
Burgomaster. Congratulations, sir, my head has forgotten where it's headed. Head! Hello! Come
back!
Page. I am commanded to speak with Elza in private.
Burgomaster. I'm gone, I'm gone , I'm gone! (Hurriedly goes away.)
Page. Hello, Elza.
Elza. Hello, Heinrich.
Heinrich. You hope Lancelot will save you?
Elza. No. And you?
Heinrich. And I, no.
Elza. What has the dragon ordered you to tell me?
Heinrich. He ordered me to tell you that you are to kill Lancelot, if necessary.
Elza (horrified). How?
Heinrich. With a knife. Here it is. It's poisoned...
Elza. I don't want to!
Heinrich. But Mr. Dragon ordered me to say to that, that otherwise he'll kill all your friends.
Elza. Fine. Tell him I'll try.
Heinrich. But Mr. Dragon ordered me to say to that: any hesitation will be punished like actual
disobedience.
Elza. I hate you!
Heinrich. But Mr. Dragon ordered me to say to that, that he knows how to reward loyal servants.
Elza. Lancelot will kill your Dragon!
Heinrich. And to that Mr. Dragon ordered me to say: we shall see!

CURTAIN.
 19

ACT TWO

The city square. Left – the city hall, with a small tower rising up from it and a watchman on top.
Straight – a huge, grim, windowless brown building with an enormous lead door shooting up the
whole height of the front wall, foundation to rooftop. On this door – a sign in gothic letters:
"Absolutely no humans allowed." To the right – a broad, ancient castle wall. In the center of the
square – a well with wrought-iron railings and an awning. Heinrich, out of livery and wearing an
apron, stands cleaning the brass ornaments on the lead door.

Heinrich. We shall see, we shall see, Mr. dragon said. We shall see, we shall see, thundered old
dra-dra. Old draky roared: "by damn, we'll see!" And we shall, really, re! Really see, tra-la-la!

The burgomaster runs out of the city hall.

He is wearing a straightjacket.

Burgomaster. Hello, junior. You called after me?

Heinrich. Hello, father. I wanted to know how you boys were getting on with things in there. The
meeting of the city government is adjourned?
Burgomaster. Yea, right! It took us the whole night and we just barely managed to confirm the
agenda for the day.
Heinrich. Tired?
Burgomaster. And what do you think? In the last half hour I've been changed through three
straightjackets. (Yawns.) I don't know, maybe it's towards rain, but that cursed schizophrenia of
mine is really playing up today. You know, hallucinations, persistent suggestions, this, that.
(Yawns.) Got tobacco?
Heinrich. I do.
Burgomaster. Untie me. We'll smoke.

Heinrich unties his father.

They sit down together on the palace steps and light up.

Heinrich. So when will you solve the question of the weapons?

 20

Burgomaster. What weapons?

Heinrich. For Lancelot.
Burgomaster. For what Lancelot?
Heinrich. Have you lost your mind?
Burgomaster. Of course I have. There's a son for you. Completely forgot how ill his poor old
man is. (Yells.) O people, people, love one another! (Calmly.) See, how bad it is.
Heinrich. That's all right, that's all right, dad. It'll pass.
Burgomaster. I know myself, it'll pass. But it's still unpleasant.
Heinrich. Listen to me. There is important news. Old draky is nervous.
Burgomaster. No!
Heinrich. I assure you. Not sparing his poor little wings, old gramps spent all night long
fluttering to only god knows where. Came home only at dawn. He reeked awfully of fish, which
happens to him whenever he is troubled. You follow?
Burgomaster. Right, right.
Heinrich. And I managed to confirm the following. Our benevolent lizard has fluttered the whole
night through exclusively for the purpose of getting all the dark on the fair Mr. Lancelot.
Burgomaster. Well, well?
Heinrich. I don't know in what holes and dens he got it – in the Himalayas or on Mount Ararat,
in Scotland or in the Caucasus – but the fact is, the old boy scouted out that Lancelot is a
professional hero. I despise nobodies of that breed. But dra-dra, as a professional villain, does,
apparently, attach to them some significance. He was swearing, groaning, whining. Then
grandpa wanted a drop of beer. Having licked up a whole barrel of his favorite beverage and
leaving no further orders, the dragon once more spread his membranes and until this very
moment has been snooping about the sky like a sparrow. This doesn't disturb you?
Burgomaster. Not a drop.
Heinrich. Daddy, tell me – you're older than I am... more experienced... Tell me, what do you
think of the coming battle? Can Lancelot really... Just answer plainly, without any of your false
enthusiasms – can Lancelot really win? Huh? Daddy? Answer me!
Burgomaster. Sure, son, I'll tell you plainly, from the soul. I, you see, my boy, I am so sincerely
attached to our dragon! Word of honor, I am. It's as if I've become his relative or something! I
even, well, how do I say this to you, I, you see, even want to give my life for him. Swear to god
 21

and damn me where I stand, it's true!! No, no, no! He will win, bubba! Our angel darling, he will
win! Our busy bee! Our winged wonder! Oh, how I love him! Ow, I do! Love him – and there.
And there's your answer.
Heinrich. You just don't want to have a plain, soul to soul talk with your only son, daddy!
Burgomaster. No, junior, I don't. I haven't lost my mind yet. That is, of course, I have, but not to
that extent. Did the dragon order you to question me?
Heinrich. Why, daddy!
Burgomaster. Atta boy, junior! You carried the whole conversation very well. I'm proud of you.
Not because I am your father, I swear. I am proud of you as an expert, as an old boy in the
service. You memorized my answer?
Heinrich. Of course.
Burgomaster. And these words: angel darling, busy bee, winged wonder?
Heinrich. I memorized everything.
Burgomaster. Then that's what you will report!
Heinrich. Yes, dad.
Burgomaster. My only, my little spy... making his career, the baby. You need money?
Heinrich. No, not right now, thank you, daddy.
Burgomaster. Take it, don't be shy. I'm in the money. I had a fit of kleptomania just yesterday.
Take it...
Heinrich. Thank you, no. And now tell me the truth...
Burgomaster. Well, what is it with you, junior, like a baby – truth, truth... Why, I'm not some
bourgeois for you, I'm the burgomaster. I haven't told myself the truth for so many years now
that I've forgotten what it's like, this truth. I'm sickened by it, flung aside. Truth, you know what
it smells of? Enough, son. Glory to the dragon! Glory to the dragon! Glory to the dragon!

The watchman on the tower strikes his halberd on the floor.

Shouts.

Watchman. Attention! Eyes to the sky! His excellence have appeared over the Grey mountains!

Heinrich and the burgomaster jump up and stand at attention, heads raised to the sky.
 22

There is a distant rumbling, which gradually fades.

At ease! His excellence have turned back and concealed themselves in smoke and flames!
Heinrich. Patrolling.
Burgomaster. Right, right. Listen, now you answer me one teensy question. The dragon really
left no orders, eh, junior?
Heinrich. None, dad.
Burgomaster. So no killing him?
Heinrich. Whom?
Burgomaster. Our savior.
Heinrich. Oh, daddy, daddy.
Burgomaster. Tell me, junior. He didn't maybe order us to quietly clap Mr. Lancelot? Don't be
shy, tell me... No big deal... It happens. Hey, junior? What, don't you talk?
Heinrich. I don't.
Burgomaster. Well all right then, don't. I understand myself, nothing we can do about it – it's our
duty.
Heinrich. I remind you, Mr. burgomaster, that any minute now the honorable arming ceremony
for Mr. hero must take place. It is possible that dra-dra himself will wish to grace the ceremony
with his presence, and you don't have a thing ready yet, mister.
Burgomaster (yawns and stretches). Well fine, I'll go. We'll find him some sort of weapons in a
flash. He'll be satisfied. Here, tie up my sleeves... And there he goes! There's Lancelot!
Heinrich. Get him away from here! Elza will be here any moment, and I must have a talk with
her.
Lancelot walks in.

Burgomaster.(singing like a crazy woman). Glory to you, glory, hosanna, Conqueror St. George!
Oh, forgive me, sir, I mistook you in my madness. It suddenly seemed to me that you were so
like him.
Lancelot. That is quite possible. He is my distant relative.
Burgomaster. However did we spend the night, hm?
Lancelot. I roamed.
 23

Burgomaster. Made any friends?

Lancelot. Of course.
Burgomaster. With whom?
Lancelot. The timid inhabitants of your city set dogs on me to chase me away. But your dogs are
very intelligent. I made friends with them. They understood me because they love their owners
and wish them well. We chatted almost until dawn.
Burgomaster. Didn't pick up any fleas, did you?
Lancelot. No, they were wonderful, cleanly hounds.
Burgomaster. I can't stand dogs.
Lancelot. That's too bad.
Burgomaster. Those creatures are too simple.
Lancelot. You think it is such simple work loving people, sir? After all, dogs know perfectly well
what kind of people their owners are. They cry, but love them. They are real hard workers. You
called after me?
Burgomaster. After me, cried the stork and pecked the snake with his sharp beak. After me, said
the king and looked back at the queen. After me there flew a host of beauties astride graceful
little wands. In short, yes, I sent after you, Mr. Lancelot.
Lancelot. How can I help?
Burgomaster. A fresh shipment of cheese has been received in Muller's store. The best ornament
of a young lady is modesty and a see-through little dress. At sunset, wild ducks flew over the
cradle. You are awaited at the meeting of the city government, Mr. Lancelot.
Lancelot. What for?
Burgomaster. What for do linden trees grow on the street of the Dragon's Paws? What for are
dances when you wish for kisses? What for are kisses when your hoofs are knocking? The
members of the city government must personally see you in order to decide what kind of
weapons shall suit you best, Mr. Lancelot. Let's go show ourselves to them!

They leave.

Heinrich. We shall see, we shall see, Mr. dragon said; we shall see, we shall see, exploded old
dra-dra; old draky roared: by damn we'll see, – and we will, really, re!
 24

Elza walks in.

Elza!
Elza. Yes, me. You sent after me?
Heinrich. I did. What a pity that there is a watchman standing on the tower. If not for that
extremely frustrating impediment I would have embraced and kissed you.
Elza. And I would have hit you.
Heinrich. Oh, Elza, Elza! You have always been a bit too virtuous. But it suited you. Beneath
your modesty there hides a real something. Dra-dra has a feel for girls. He always did choose the
most promising ones, the jumpety wonder. Say, has Lancelot tried to woo you yet?
Elza. Shut up.
Heinrich. Although, of course no. Had there been a brainless old nag in your place, he would
have charged in fighting anyway. It doesn't make a difference to him, whom to save. It's how he
was educated. He hasn't even really seen you yet, what you're like.
Elza. We've just met.
Heinrich. That is not an excuse.
Elza. You called me only to tell me all this?
Heinrich. Oh no. I called you to ask – do you want to marry me?
Elza. Stop it!
Heinrich. I'm not joking. I am authorized to tell you the following: if you are obedient and, in the
case it becomes necessary, kill Lancelot, then in reward dra-dra will release you.
Elza. No.
Heinrich. Let me finish. Another girl, a complete stranger from the countryside, will be chosen in
your place. She's marked out for next year anyway. Choose what's better – a meaningless death
or a life full of such delights as up to now you have only dreamed of, and even then so rarely that
it's actually upsetting.
Elza. Coward.
Heinrich. Who? Dra-dra? I know all his weaknesses. He is a self-conceited ass, a military freak,
a parasite – anything you will, but not a coward.
Elza. Yesterday he was making threats, and today he's making bargains?
 25

Heinrich. That is thanks to me.

Elza. You?
Heinrich. I am the real conqueror of the dragon, if you'd like to know. I can tease out anything. I
waited for my chance – and it came. I'm not such a fool as to step down from you for anyone.
Elza. I don't believe you.
Heinrich. You do.
Elza. Still, I can't kill a person!
Heinrich. Still, you brought the knife. There it is, hanging from your belt. I'm going, my dear. I
must put on my parade livery. But I go in peace. You will perform the order, for your own sake
and for mine. Think! Life, all life is before us – if you choose. Think, my charming. (Leaves.)
Elza. My god! My cheeks burn as if I had been kissing him! What disgrace! He almost talked me
into it... So this is how I'm like!.. Well, and so be it. And very good. Enough! I was the most
obedient one in this whole city. I believed in everything. And how did it end? Yes, everyone
respected me, but all the happiness went to others. They are sitting at home right now, picking
their best dresses, ironing their frills. Curling their hair. Preparing to come gaze at my
misfortune. Oh, I could just see them now, how they're powdering themselves before the mirror
and saying: "Poor Elza, poor girl, she was so good!" I alone, alone of all the city, stand in the
square and feel tortured. And that fool watchman stares at me, thinking of what the dragon will
do to me today. And tomorrow this soldier will be alive, he will be resting from his watch. And
he'll go strolling to the waterfall, where the river is so merry that even the saddest people smile to
see how prettily it leaps. Or he will go to the park, where the gardener has grown wonderful
pansies, which squint and wink at you and can even read if the letters are big and the book has a
happy ending. Or he will go boating on the lake which the dragon boiled once upon a time and
ever since the mermaids have been so tame. They not only don't drown anyone now, but even sit
out on a shallow spot and sell lifejackets. But they are still just as beautiful, and the soldiers love
chatting with them. And this stupid soldier will tell the mermaids how a cheerful music started
playing, and everyone started crying, and the dragon led me away to his cave. And the mermaids
will start oh-ing and ah-ing: "Oh, poor Elza, ah, poor girl, it's such fine weather today, and she is
not alive." I don't want it! I want to see everything, hear everything, feel everything. Take that! I
want to be happy! Take that! I took the knife to kill myself. And I won't. Take that, all of you!
 26

Lancelot comes out of the town hall.

Lancelot. Elza! What a joy to see you!

Elza. Why?
Lancelot. Oh, my wonderful lady, this is such a difficult day for me, my soul is just screaming
for a little rest, if only for a minute. And here you are, as if on purpose, meeting me in the square.
Elza. Did you go to the meeting, sir?
Lancelot. I did.
Elza. What did they call you for?
Lancelot. They were offering me money to back down from the fight.
Elza. And what did you tell them?
Lancelot. I told them: oh, you poor fools! Let's not talk about them. Today, Elza, you are even
more beautiful than yesterday. This is a sure sign that I really like you. Do you believe that I will
free you?
Elza. No.
Lancelot. And I'm not even hurt. That's how much it turns out I like you.

Elza's friends run in.

1st friend. Here we are!

2nd friend. We are Elza's best friends!
3rd friend. We've lived heart to heart and soul to soul with her so many years, since childhood.
1st friend. She was always our smartest one.
2nd friend. She was always our nicest one.
3rd friend. And yet she loved us more than anyone. She would darn anything you asked, and help
you do your homework when it was too hard, and she'd comfort you when you felt like there is
no one more unhappy in the world.
1st friend. We aren't late, are we?
2nd friend. Mister, will you really fight him?
3rd friend. Mr. Lancelot, won't you please get us seats on the roof of the city hall? They won't
say no to you if you asked. We really want a better view of the fight.
 27

1st friend. And now you're angry.

2nd friend. And don't want to talk to us.
3rd friend. But we really aren't such bad girls after all.
1st friend. You think we didn't let you say goodbye to Elza on purpose.
2nd friend. But it's not on purpose.
3rd friend. It's Heinrich! He ordered us not to leave you alone with her until the dragon allows
it...
1st friend. He ordered us to chatter...
2nd friend. So we're chattering, like little fools....
3rd friend. Because otherwise we'd cry. And you are a foreigner and can't even imagine what a
disgrace it is to cry in front of strangers.

Charlemagne comes out of the hall.

Charlemagne. The meeting is adjourned Mr. Lancelot. The decision about your weapons has
been made. Forgive us. Take pity on us, poor murderers, Mr. Lancelot.

Flourish of trumpets. Servants run out from the town hall, laying out carpets, setting chairs. At
the center they put a big lavishly decorated chair. Plainer chairs left and right of it. The
burgomaster comes in, surrounded by members of the city government. He is very jolly.
Heinrich, dressed in his parade livery, is with them.

Burgomaster. A very funny joke... What was it she said? I thought all boys know how to do that?
Ha-ha-ha! Say, do you know this one? Very funny. So this one gypsy had his head cut off...

Flourish of trumpets.

Oh, everything is ready... well all right, I'll tell you after the ceremony. Remind me. To it, to it,
gentlemen. We'll be done before you know it.

The members of the city government take places to the left and right of the center chair.
Heinrich stands behind the chair's back.
 28

(Bows to the empty chair. Rattles out). Impressed and overwhelmed by the trust which you, your
excellence, confide in us by allowing us to make such critical decisions on our own, we ask you
to take the place of the honorary chairman. Ask you once, ask you twice, ask you thrice. Regret it
terribly, but there is nothing we can do. Will begin on our own. Take your seats, gentlemen. I
declare the meeting...

Pause.

Water!

A servant draws water from the well. The burgomaster drinks.

I declare the meeting... Water! (Drinks. Coughs. In a very thin little voice.) I declare (in deep
bass) the meeting... Water! (Drinks. Thinly.) Thanks, sweetie! (Bass.) Scram, you villain! (In his
own voice.) Congratulations, sirs, this is the onset of a split personality disorder. (Bass.) Why,
you old fool, what do you think you're doing? (Thinly.) Can't you see, I'm officiating. (Bass.)
Why, is that a woman's business? (Thinly.) Oh, I'm not glad of it myself, dearie. Sirs, please
don't sit me on a stake, but let me the announcement make. (In his own voice.) Heard: Regarding
the provision of one Lancelot with weapons. Resolved: To provide, but grudgingly. Hey, you
there! Bring the weapons!

Flourish of trumpets. Enter servants. The first servant hands Lancelot

a small brass basin, which has a few narrow strips of leather attached to it..

Lancelot. This is a washbowl from a barbershop.

Burgomaster. Yes, but we have appointed it as acting the duties of a helmet. The brass serving
tray is appointed shield. Don't be worried, sir! Even the objects in our city are obedient and full
of discipline. They will perform their duties quite responsibly. Unfortunately we did not have
any knight's-armor in our warehouse. But there is a lance. (Offers Lancelot a sheet of paper.)
This certificate is given you in proof of it that the lance is really undergoing repairs at this time,
which is confirmed by signature and seal. You will present this document to Mr. Dragon at the
 29

time of battle and everything will end splendidly. And that's all we've got for you. (In bass.)
Adjourn the meeting, old fool! (Tiny thin voice.) Why, I'm adjourning it, I'm adjourning it, curse
the old thing. And what is it that people keep getting angry, getting angry, and don't even know
what they're angry about in the first place. (Sings.) One, two, three, four five, Mr. Knight went
for a ride... (Bass.) Close it, you crazy! (Thin voice.) Then the dragon flies right out, Shoots the
knight and there's no doubt... peeff-paff, ow, ow, ow, I declare the meeting ajourned, sweeties.
Watchman. Attention! Eyes to the sky! His excellence have appeared over the Grey mountains
and are flying this way at a terrifying speed.

All jump up and freeze, heads raised to the sky. There is a distant rumbling, which increases at a
terrifying pace. The scene darkens. Total darkness.
The rumbling suddenly stops.

Attention! His excellence are hovering above us like a cloud, having blocked the sun. Hold your
breaths!

Two small greenish flames appear.

Cat (whispers.) Lancelot, it's me, the cat.

Lancelot (whispers.) I knew you right away by your eyes.
Cat. I'll be dozing on the castle wall. Pick a time, come to me, and I will purr something
extremely pleasant in your ear...
Watchman. Attention! His excellence have plunged heads first toward the city square.

Deafening screech and roar. Light flares back on. A tiny, deathly pale old man
sits together with his feet in the big chair.

Cat (from the castle wall). Don't be frightened, dear Lancelot. That's his third head. He flips 'em
as it grips 'im.
Burgomaster. Your excellence! The city government as entrusted to my management has no
incidents to report. One in custody. Self-evident...
Dragon (in a tiny cracked tenor, very calmly). Scram! Everyone scram! Except for the stranger.
 30

All leave. Only Lancelot, the Dragon and the cat, who is dozing curled up on
the castle wall, remain on the stage.

How's the health?

Lancelot. Thank you, excellent.
Dragon. What's that crockery on the ground there?
Lancelot. Weapons.
Dragon. Did my brats think of that?
Lancelot. That they did.
Dragon. The rascals. Hurt?
Lancelot. No.
Dragon. That's a lie. I have cold blood but even I'd be hurt. Scared?
Lancelot. No.
Dragon. Lies, lies. My people are very scary. You won't find such people anywhere else. My
work. I tailored them.
Lancelot. And yet they are still people.
Dragon. That's on the outside.
Lancelot. No.
Dragon. You would tremble if you saw their souls.
Lancelot. No.
Dragon. You'd even run away. You wouldn't die for cripples. After all, my precious, I personally
crippled them. As they needed, so I crippled them. Human souls, my precious, are very hard to
kill. Split the body and your man is dead. But tear apart the soul and your man only gets more
obedient. No, no, there is nowhere in the world where you can pick up such a pack of souls. Only
in my city. Armless souls, legless souls, deaf-mute souls, watchdog souls, snitching souls, mad
souls. You know why the burgomaster pretends to be insane? To hide the fact that he has no soul
at all. Tattered souls, sellout souls, burnt out souls, dead souls. No, no, it's a shame they are
invisible.
Lancelot. That is your good fortune, sir.
Dragon. How's that?
 31

Lancelot. People would get scared if they saw with their own eyes what their souls have become.
They would die fighting, but not live a conquered people. Who would feed you then?
Dragon. What the hell, maybe you are right after all, sir. So, shall we start?
Lancelot. Let's.
Dragon. First say good-bye to the girl for whom you are going to your death. Hey, boy!

Heinrich runs in.

Elza!

Heinrich runs away.

Do you like the girl I have chosen, Mr. Lancelot?

Lancelot. I like her very, very much.
Dragon. That is good to hear. I, too, like her very, very much. Excellent girl. Obedient girl.
Enter Elza and Heinrich.

Come, come here, my darling. Look me in the eyes. Like this. Very good. Your eyes are clear.
You may kiss my hand. Like this. Wonderful. Your lips are warm. That means your soul is at
peace. Would you like to say goodbye to Mr. Lancelot?
Elza. As you command, Mr. Dragon.
Dragon. And I'll command like this. Go. Talk to him gently. (Quietly.) Gently-gently talk to him.
Kiss him good-bye. It's all right, I'm here. With me here it's all right. And then you will kill him.
It's all right, it's all right. I'm here. With me here you'll do it. Now go. You may come away with
him a little further. After all, I do have splendid eyes. I will see everything. Go.

Elza approaches Lancelot.

Elza. Mr. Lancelot, I am commanded to say good-bye to you.

Lancelot. Good, Elza. Let's say our good-byes now just in case. The battle will be serious. Who
knows what might happen. Before I go, I wanted to tell you, Elza, that I love you.
Elza. Me!
 32

Lancelot. Yes, Elza. I already liked you so much yesterday, when I looked out the window and
saw you walking home quietly-quietly with your father. Then I see that every time we meet you
look more and more beautiful to me. Aha, I thought. That's what it is. Then, when you kissed the
dragon's paw just now, I didn't even feel angry, but only awfully disappointed. So then it was all
clear to me. I love you, Elza. Don't be angry. I wanted awfully that you should know this.
Elza. I thought you would have fought the dragon anyway. Even if there had been a different girl
in my place.
Lancelot. Of course I would have fought him. I can't stand them, these dragons. But for you I am
ready to strangle him with my bare hands, even though that is exceptionally disgusting.
Elza. So you love me?
Lancelot. Very much. It's scary to think! If yesterday at the place where three roads crossed I had
turned not right but left, we would never have even met. What horror, right?
Elza. Yes.
Lancelot. It's scary to think. It seems to me now that I have no one in the world closer than you,
and your city I consider mine because you live here. If I... well, in a word, if we will never be
able to speak again, please don't forget me, ma'am.
Elza. No.
Lancelot. No, don't forget. There, for the first time today you've looked me in the eyes. And it
pierced me right through with warmth, as if you had caressed me. I am a wanderer, a light
person, but my whole life passed by in hard battles. A dragon here, man-eating ogres there,
giants in the other place. You fuss, you fuss... The work is hard, thankless. But I was always
happy despite all that. I never got tired. And I often fell in love.
Elza. Often?
Lancelot. Of course. You walk around, you fight and you meet girls. They are, after all,
constantly getting caught by bandits or tossed into the giant's bag or trapped in the ogre's kitchen.
And these villains always pick the best ones, especially the ogres. And so sometimes you fall in
love. But has it ever been like now? With them I was always joking. Making them laugh. But
you, Elza, if we were alone together, I would just be kissing you. Honestly. And I would take
you away from here. We would go together over hill and dale: it isn't at all difficult to do this.
No, I would get you a horse with such a saddle that you would never become tired. And I'd walk
by your stirrup and gaze at you. And no one, ma'am, no one would dare do you any harm.
 33

Elza takes Lancelot by the hand.

Dragon. Atta girl. She's already got him in her hands.

Heinrich. Yes. She is far from stupid, your excellence.
Lancelot. Why, Elza, it looks like you're about to cry!
Elza. I am.
Lancelot. Why?
Elza. From pity.
Lancelot. For whom?
Elza. For myself and for you. There won't be any happiness for us, Mr. Lancelot. Why did I
come into the world under a dragon!
Lancelot. Elza, I always tell the truth. We will be happy. Trust me.
Elza. Oh, oh, don't.
Lancelot. We will go together by the forest path, cheerful and happy. Only you and me.
Elza. No, no, don't.
Lancelot. And the sky will be clear over our heads. No one will dare leap down on us from there.
Elza. Really?
Lancelot. Really. Oh, do they know in your poor city how much you can love one another? Fear,
weariness, suspicion will burn away inside you and be gone forever, that's how I will love you.
And you will smile when you fall asleep, and waking up you will smile and call my name – that's
how much you will love me. And you will begin to love yourself, too. You will walk calm and
proud. You will understand that if I kiss you as you are, then that means that you are already a
good person. And the trees in the forest will speak gently to us, and the birds, and the animals,
because those truly in love with one another understand everything and are at one with the whole
world.
Dragon. What's he singing to her over there?
Heinrich. Preaching. Learning is light, ignorance is darkness. Wash your hands before you eat.
And so forth. This dry cracker....
Dragon. Aha, aha. She's placed her hand on his shoulder! Good girl.
Elza. It's all right even if we never live to see such happiness. Still, still, I am already happy.
 34

These monsters are watching us. But we have gone away from them to the ends of the earth. No
one has ever talked to me in this way, my dear. I did not know that there are such people as you
in the world. Even yesterday I was still as obedient as a little dog, and didn't dare to think about
you. And yet, I still snuck downstairs at night and drank the wine that was left in your cup. I
understood just now that this was how I, in my own way, secretly-secretly, kissed you for
standing up for me. You wouldn't understand how mixed up all the feelings are in us poor,
beaten down girls. Only a little while ago I thought I hated you. But that's how I was, in my own
way, secretly-secretly falling in love with you. My dear! I love you – what a happiness to say this
openly. And what happiness... (Kisses Lancelot.)
Dragon (wagging his feet with impatience). She'll do it, she'll do it, she'll do it!
Elza. And now let go of me, dear. (Frees herself from Lancelot's embrace. Sweeps the knife from
its scabbard.) You see this knife? The dragon ordered me to kill you with this knife. Look!
Dragon. Go! Go! Go!
Heinrich. Do it! Do it!

Elza throws the knife down the well.

Despicable girl!
Dragon. Why how dare you!..
Elza. Not another word! You think I will let you scream at me, now that he has kissed me? I love
him. And he will kill you.
Lancelot. This is the honest truth, Mr. Dragon.
Dragon. Indeed. That's all right. We'll have to have a little fight, then. (Yawns.) Frankly, I don't
regret it – I've just developed not so long ago a very curious strike with left paw B in X direction.
Now we'll try it out on a body. Squire, call the guards.

Heinrich runs away.

Go home now, little fool, and after the fight we will have a talk about everything, soul to soul.

Heinrich walks in, with guards.

 35

Listen, guards, there was something I wanted to tell you... Oh, right... Help this lady here home,
and keep a little watch on her there.

Lancelot makes a step forward.

Elza. Don't. Save your strength. When you've killed him, come back for me. I will be waiting for
you and sifting through every word you said to me today. I believe you.
Lancelot. I will come back for you.
Dragon. Well, that's nice. Go.

The guards lead Elza away.

Boy, take the watchman from the tower and send him to jail. We will have to have his head cut
off tonight. He heard that girl screaming at me and might yap about it in the barracks. See to it.
Then you will come back to rub the poison on my claws.

Heinrich runs away.

(To Lancelot.) And you stay right there, you hear me? And wait. I'm not telling you when I'll
start. Real war begins suddenly. Got it?

Climbs down from the chair and walks away into the palace.
Lancelot goes to the cat.

Lancelot. Well, cat, what was the very pleasant thing you wished to purr to me?
Cat. Look to your right, dear Lancelot. There is a donkey standing in a cloud of dust. Refusing to
go on. Five men are trying to convince the stubborn fellow. But right now I'll sing them a song.
(Starts meowing.) You see, how he started skipping straight for us. But at the castle wall he'll get
stubborn again, and you should go talk to his drovers. Here they are.

The head of the donkey, who has stopped short in a cloud of dust, appears behind the wall. Five
drovers are screaming at him. Heinrich runs across the city square.
 36

Heinrich (To the drovers). What are you people doing here?
Two drovers (in chorus). Taking goods to the market, your honor.
Heinrich. What kind of goods?
Two drovers. Carpets, your honor.
Heinrich. Come on through, come on through. No stopping in front of the palace.
Two drovers. The donkey got stubborn, your honor.
The dragon's voice. Boy!
Heinrich. Come through, come through! (Runs off into the palace.)
Two drovers (in chorus). Hello, Mr. Lancelot. We – are your friends, Mr. Lancelot. (Clear their
throats, both at once.) Hem-hem. Don't be upset with us that we both talk at the same time: from
childhood we've worked together and have worked into one another's habits to such an extent
that now we both think and talk as a single person. We even fell in love on the same day at the
same instant and married two twin sisters. We've woven many carpets, but our best we made last
night, for you. (They take a carpet from the donkey's back and lay it out on the ground.)
Lancelot. What a beautiful carpet!
Two drovers. Yes. A first-class carpet, sir, double-weave, wool and silk, dyes made according to
our special secret formula. But this carpet's secret is neither in the wool, nor in the silk, nor in the
dies. (Quietly.) This is a flying carpet.
Lancelot. Wonderful! Tell me quickly how to control it.
Two drovers. Very simple, Mr. Lancelot. This is the height corner, woven here is the sun. This is
the depth corner, woven here is the moon. This is the corner of intricate maneuvers, swallows are
woven here. And this is the dragon's corner. Raise this corner and you drop down, straight at the
enemy's head. We wove a goblet full of wine surrounded by delicious food to go with it here.
Conquer and celebrate. No, no. Don't thank us. Our greatgrandfathers looked at the road, waiting
for you to come. Our grandfathers waited. And we, we reached the end of the wait.

They leave quickly, and immediately a third drover runs up to Lancelot with a
cardboard bandbox in his hand.

Third drover. Hello to you, monsieur! Excuse me. Turn your head this way. And now this way.
 37

Beautiful. Monsieur, I am the master of hatting and hatrelated crafts. I make the best hats and
headgear in the world. I am very famous in this city. Every dog knows me here.
Cat. And cat too.
Third drover. You see! Without taking any measurements, throwing just a single glance at my
customer, I make things which adorn people wonderfully, and in doing this I find all my joy. One
lady's husband, for example, loves her only while she wears a certain hat of my making. She
even sleeps in this hat and admits everywhere that she owes me the happiness of her entire life. I
worked all night for you, monsieur, and cried like a baby from sheer sorrow.
Lancelot. Why?
Third drover. This is such a tragic, such a peculiar design. This is a cap of darkness.
Lancelot. Wonderful!
Third drover. As soon as you put it on, you will immediately disappear, and the poor master will
never come to learn if it suits you or not. Take it, but only don't try it on in front of me. I won't
survive it! No, I won't survive it!

Runs away. Immediately, a fourth drover comes up to Lancelot. This one is a bearded,
grim-looking man with parcel on his shoulder. He unrolls the parcel.
A sword and lance are inside.

Fourth drover. Here. We forged them all night long. Break a leg.

Leaves. A fifth drover runs up to Lancelot, this one – a small grey-haired man with a stringed
musical instrument in his hands.

Fifth drover. I am the master of musical crafts, Mr. Lancelot. My greatgreatgreat-grandfather

began making this little instrument. From generation to generation we crafted it and in human
hands it became a real person. It will be your faithful companion in battle. Your hands will be
busy with the sword and the lance, but it will take care of itself. It will strike la upon itself – and
tune itself by that note. By itself it will change a burst string, by itself it will start playing. At the
proper time it will play encore and, when it should, it shall fall silent. Is that right?

The instrument answers with a musical phrase.

 38

You see, sir? We heard, we all heard how you roamed the city all alone, and we hurried to arm
you from head to toe. We waited, for hundreds of years we waited. The dragon made us quiet,
and we waited quietly-quietly. And now we've reached the end of the wait. Kill him, and set us
free. Right?

The instrument answers with a musical phrase.

The fifth drover goes away with bows.

Cat. When the fight begins, we – the donkey and I – will hide ourselves in the shed behind the
palace so the flames don't accidentally scorch my fur. If you need help, call us. In the saddlebags
here on the donkey's back there will be refreshing drinks, pastries with cherry filling, flint for
sharpening the sword, extra lanceheads for the lance, thread and needles.
Lancelot. Thank you. (Steps on the carpet. Takes the weapons, places the musical instrument at
his feet. Takes out the cap of darkness, puts it on and disappears).
Cat. Fine work. Excellent craftsmen. Are you still here, dear Lancelot?
Lancelot. No. I am quietly rising. Good bye, friends.
Cat. Good bye, my dear. Ah, so many trepidations, so many cares. No, it is far more pleasant
being in despair. You sleep and expect nothing. Right, donkey?

The donkey moves his ears.

I don't know how to talk with ears. Let's talk with words, donkey. We don't know each other
much, but since we're working together, surely we can have a friendly little meow as well. It's a
torture to wait in silence. Let's meow.
Donkey. I don't consent to meowing.
Cat. Well then let's at least talk. The dragon thinks Lancelot is here, but he's gone like the wind.
Funny, right?
Donkey (grimly). Hilarious!
Cat. How come you're not laughing?
Donkey. They'll beat me. As soon as I start laughing loudly, people say: again that ass is
screaming. And then they start fighting.
 39

Cat. Oh, so that's what it is! So you have such a rude laughter then?
Donkey. Aha.
Cat. And what do you laugh at?
Donkey. Depends... I keep thinking, thinking, and sometimes I remember something funny.
Horses make me laugh.
Cat. Why?
Donkey. They're just... Dumb.
Cat. Forgive me, please, for being so immodest. But I've wanted to ask you for a long time now...
Donkey. Yea?
Cat. How can you eat thorns?
Donkey. Why not?
Cat. In the grass, it's true, you do sometimes find edible sprouts. But thorns... they're so dry!
Donkey. That's all right. I like hot stuff.
Cat. And what about meat?
Donkey. What about meat?
Cat. Have you never tried eating it?
Donkey. Meat is not food. Meat is baggage. It's for putting in a cart, silly.
Cat. And what about milk?
Donkey. Now that I drank as a baby.
Cat. Well, thank goodness, we shall be able to chat about pleasant, reassuring things.
Donkey. Right. That's pleasant to remember. Reassuring. Kind mother. Warm milk. Suck, suck.
Heaven! Delicious.
Cat. You can lick milk, too.
Donkey. I don't consent to licking.
Cat (jumps up). You hear that?
Donkey. Clattering his hooves, the snake.

The Dragon's triple roar.

Dragon. Lancelot!
 40

Pause.

Lancelot!

Donkey. Knock-knock! (Breaks into donkey laughter.) Hee-haw! Hee-haw! Hee-haw!

The palace door bursts open. Now three huge heads, now massive claws, now
flashing eyes become dimly visible amidst the smoke and flame.

Dragon. Lancelot! Come gaze at me before the fight. Well, where are you?

Heinrich runs out into the square.

He bolts to and fro looking for Lancelot, looks down the well.

Well, where is he?

Heinrich. Hidden himself, your excellence.
Dragon. Hey, Lancelot! Where are you?

A sword-clang.
Who dared hit me?
Lancelot's voice. I, Lancelot!

Complete darkness. A menacing roar. Light flares back on.

Heinrich dashes for the town hall. Sound of battle.

Cat. To the shelter.

Donkey. It's time.

They run off. People begin crowding into the square.

They are unusually quiet. Everyone is whispering,
looking to the sky.
 41

1st townsperson. How painfully long this fight is getting.

2nd townsperson. Yes! It's already been two minutes, and still no results.
1st townsperson. I hope that everything will be over immediately.
2nd townsperson. Oh, we used to live so quietly... And now it is time for breakfast and I don't
want to eat. The horror! Hello, Mr. gardener. Why are you so sad?
Gardener. Tea roses, bread roses and wine roses have bloomed in my garden today. You look at
them and you are both full and drunk. Mr. Dragon promised to come take a look in person and
give me money for further experiments. But now he is fighting. The fruits of many years of labor
might perish because of this nightmare.
Peddler (in a lively whisper). And who wants some smoked glass? Look through it – and you'll
see Mr. Dragon smoked.

Everyone quietly laughs.

1st townsperson. How scandalous! Ha-ha-ha!

2nd townsperson. See him smoked, that's likely!

People buy the bits of glass.

Boy. Mom, who is the dragon running away from all over the sky?
All. Shhh!
1st townsperson. He is not running away, little boy, he's maneuvering.
Boy. Then why has he pulled in his tail?
All. Shhh!
1st townsperson. The tail is pulled in according to a previously deliberated plan, little boy.
1st townswoman. Just to think! The war has already been going on for six minutes, and there is
still no end in sight. Everyone is so worried, even the simple shop women have tripled the prices
on milk.
2nd townswoman. Oh, what's the shop women. On the way here we saw a spectacle to freeze
your soul. Sugar and butter, white as death, were dashing from the stores straight into the reserve
depots. Terribly nervous goods. As soon as they hear the sound of battle, they hide.
 42

Cries of horror. The crowd throws itself to one side.

Charlemagne appears.

Charlemagne. Hello, everyone!

Silence.

Don't you recognize me?

1st townsperson. Of course not. Since yesterday you have become completely unrecognizable.
Charlemagne. But why?
Gardener. Horrible people. Let in strangers. Spoil the dragon's mood. This is worse than walking
on the lawn. And then he goes and asks – why.
1st townsperson. I personally have been completely unable to recognize you ever since your
house was surrounded by the guards.
Charlemagne. Yes, it's horrible. Isn't it? Those stupid guards won't let me inside to see my own
daughter. They say the dragon ordered them not to let anyone near Elza.
1st townsperson. Well. From their own particular point of view, they are perfectly right.
Charlemagne. Elza is alone in there. Of course, she did nod to me very merrily from the window,
but that was probably just to reassure me. Oh, I can't find a place for myself!
2nd townsperson. How do you mean, can't find a place? Then you were fired from your job as
archivist?
Charlemagne. No.
2nd townsperson. Then what kind of place are you talking about?
Charlemagne. Don't you understand me?
1st townsperson. No. Ever since you made friends with that stranger, we and you have been
talking in different languages.

Sound of battle, sword clashes.

Boy (points to the sky). Mom, mom! He's turned upside down. Somebody is beating him so hard
the sparks are flying!
All. Shhh!
 43

Flourish of trumpets.
Enter Heinrich and the burgomaster.

Burgomaster. Hear the official order. In order to avoid the spread of an epidemic of eye disease,
and only for that reason, looking up at the sky is forbidden. You will learn what is happening in
the sky via communiqué, which will be given out as need arises by Mr. Dragon's personal
secretary.
1st townsperson. That's more like it.
2nd townsperson. About time.
Boy. Mom, why is it bad for you to look at him get beat up?
All. Shhh!

Elza's girlfriends appear.

1st friend. The war has been going on for ten minutes! Why doesn't this Lancelot give up?
2nd friend. Doesn't he know himself that you can't beat the dragon?
3rd friend. He's just torturing us on purpose.
1st friend. I forgot my gloves at Elza's. But now I don't care. I'm so tired of this war, I could lose
anything.
2nd friend. I have also become completely oblivious. Elza wanted to give me her new shoes for a
keepsake, but I am not even thinking of them now.
3rd friend. Just to think! If not for this foreigner, the dragon would have already taken Elza
away. And we would be quietly sitting at home and crying.
Peddler (lively whisper). And who wants an interesting scientific instrument, a so-called mirror –
you look down, and see the sky? For a small price any of you can see the dragon at your feet.
1st townsperson. How scandalous! Ha-ha-ha!
2nd townsperson. See him at your feet! Keep waiting!

The mirrors are bought. All look into them, having broken up into groups.
The sounds of battle grow more and more violent.
 44

1st townswoman. But this is horrible!

2nd townswoman. Poor dragon!
1st townswoman. He has stopped breathing flame.
2nd townswoman. He's only smoking.
1st townsperson. What complicated maneuvers.
2nd townsperson. I think... No, I won't say anything!
1st townsperson. I don't understand a thing.
Heinrich. Hear the communiqué of the city government. The battle is nearing its conclusion. The
challenger has lost his sword. His lance is broken. A moth has been located in the flying carpet
and is destroying the enemy's flight capabilities at an unheard-of rate. Cut off from his bases, the
enemy cannot supply himself with moth flakes and is trying to catch the moth by clapping his
hands, thus depriving himself of essential maneuverability. Mr. Dragon does not destroy the
enemy purely out of a love for battle. He has not yet satisfied himself with doing deeds of
heroism, nor seen enough of the miracles of his own valor.
1st townsperson. There, now I understand everything.
Boy. Why, mommy, look, honest to goodness look, someone is thrashing him on the neck.
1st townsperson. He has three necks, little boy.
Boy. That's what I'm saying too, and now he's getting chased so hard he's trying to save all three
of them.
1st townsperson. That's an optical illusion, little boy, a trick!
Boy. That's what I'm saying too, it's a trick. I get into a lot of fights myself and I can tell who's
getting beat up. Ow! What's that?!
1st townsperson. Take away the child.
2nd townsperson. I don't believe it, I don't believe my own eyes! Doctor, I need the eye doctor!
1st townswoman. It's falling this way. I won't survive this! Don't block! Let me see!

With a crash the Dragon's head falls on the square.

Burgomaster. Communiqué! Half my life for a communiqué!
Heinrich. Hear the communiqué of the city government. The exhausted Lancelot has lost
everything and is partially taken prisoner.
Boy. What do you mean, partially?
 45

Heinrich. None of your business. It's a military secret. His other parts are resisting in a
disorganized manner. In other news, Mr. Dragon has relieved one of his heads from military
service on the grounds of sickness, enlisting it in the primary reserves.
Boy. But I still don't get it...
1st townsperson. Well what's there not to get? You've lost your teeth before?
Boy. Yes.
1st townsperson. Then there you go. You're still alive, aren't you?
Boy. But I've never lost my head.
1st townsperson. So don't talk when you don't know!
Heinrich. Hear the review of the current events. Title: why is two essentially more than three?
Two heads sit on two necks. That makes four. So. And besides this, they sit indestructibly.

With a crash the Dragon's second head falls on the square.

The review is postponed on account of technical difficulties. Hear the communiqué. The combat
operations are proceeding according to the plans composed by Mr. Dragon.
Boy. And that's it?
Heinrich. For now, that is it.
1st townsperson. I have lost respect for the dragon by two thirds. Mr. Charlemagne! Dear friend!
Why do you stand there all alone?
2nd townsperson. Come to us, come to us.
1st townsperson. The guards are really not letting you inside to see your only daughter? How
scandalous!
2nd townsperson. Why don't you talk?
1st townsperson. Surely you are not upset with us?
Charlemagne. No, but I am confused. First you did not recognize me, and you were not
pretending then. I know you. And now just as unpretendingly you are happy to have me with
you.
Gardener. Oh, Mr. Charlemagne. You shouldn't try to think. It's too frightening. It scares me to
think, how much time I lost running back and forth to lick the paw of that one-headed monster.
How many flowers I could have grown!
 46

Heinrich. Hear the review of the events.

Gardener. Leave us alone! We're sick of you!
Heinrich. Well, that's just too bad! It's wartime. You have to be patient. And so, I begin. One
god, one sun, one moon, one head on the shoulders of our ruler. To have only one head is human,
is humane in the highest sense of that word. And besides that, it is extremely convenient in a
purely military sense. It greatly diminishes the front. To defend one head is three times as easy as
to defend three.

With a crash the dragon's third head falls onto the city square.
An explosion of shouts. Now everyone is speaking very loudly.

1st townsperson. Down with the dragon!

2nd townsperson. We were lied to from childhood!
1st townswoman. How wonderful! There's no one to obey?!
2nd townswoman. I feel like I'm drunk! I swear.
Boy. Mom, I guess there won't be any homework now! Hurrah!
Peddler. And who wants a toy? Draky-tater, draky the potato! Snap – and no more head!

All laugh at the top of their lungs.

Gardener. Very clever. How's that? You call them potato eyes, but you could also call them
heads, and that means... Stay in the park! My whole life! Without leaving! Hurrah!
All. Hurrah! Down with him! Draky-tater, draky the potato! Hit who you can!
Heinrich. Hear the communiqué!
All. No! We'll say what's on our mind! We'll bark if we desire! Fight!
Burgomaster. Hey, guards!

The guards run into the square.

(To Heinrich.) Tell them. Start softly... and then knock 'em. Attention!

All fall silent.

 47

Heinrich (very softly). Please hear the communiqué. There is literally, oh literally nothing
interesting new on the front. Everything stands just beautifully. We declare ourselves a little
siege situation. For spreading rumors (menacingly) we will cut off heads without chance of bail.
Got it? All to your homes! Guards, clear the square!

The square empties.

Well? How did you like this spectacle?

Burgomaster. Be quiet a minute, junior.
Heinrich. Why are you smiling?
Burgomaster. Be quiet a second, junior.

A hollow, heavy thump, which makes the earth shudder.

The dragon's body has fallen behind the windmill.

1st head of the Dragon. Boy!

Heinrich. Why are you rubbing your hands, dad?
Burgomaster. Oh, junior! The power has fallen all by itself into my hands.
2nd head. Burgomaster, come to me! Give me water! Burgomaster!
Burgomaster. Everything is going splendidly, Heinrich. Our late-departed has brought them up
so well that they will carry anyone who takes the reigns.
Heinrich. However, at the square just now...
Burgomaster. Ah, nonsense. Every dog jumps like it's mad when you let it off the chain and then
runs back to the kennel all by itself.
3rd head. Boy! Come to me! I'm dying.
Heinrich. And you aren't afraid of Lancelot, dad?
Burgomaster. No, junior. Do you really think it was that easy to kill the dragon? Most likely, Mr.
Lancelot is lying exhausted on the flying carpet and the wind is sweeping him away from our
city.
Heinrich. But what if he comes down...
Burgomaster. Then we will easily take care of him. He's helpless, I assure you. Our dear departed
 48

did, after all, know how to fight. Let's go. We will write new orders. The most important thing
now is to carry on as if nothing happened.
1st head. Boy! Burgomaster!
Burgomaster. Let's go, let's go, we don't have time!

They leave.

1st head. Why, why did I hit him with the second left paw? I should have hit with the second
right.
2nd head. Hey, somebody! You, Müller! You used to kiss my tail when we met. Hey,
Friedriksen! You gave me a pipe with three mouthpieces and an engraving: "Yours forever."
Where are you, Anna-Maria-Frederika Webber? You used to say that you were in love with me
and carried bits of my claw in a little velvet pouch on your chest. It is ages since we have learned
to understand one another. Then where are you all? Give me water. The well is right there, right
next to me. A gulp! Half a gulp! Just let me wet my lips.
1st head. Let me, let me start all over! I'll crush you all!
2nd head. One drop, anyone.
3rd head. I should have tailored at least one loyal soul. Material wasn't right.
2nd head. Quiet! I smell someone alive nearby. Come closer. Give me water.
Lancelot's voice. I can't!

And so Lancelot appears on the square. He is standing on the flying

carpet, leaning on his bent sword. In his hands he has the cap of darkness.
The musical instrument is at his feet.

1st head. You won by accident! If I had hit you with the second right...
2nd head. But what the hell, good-bye!
3rd head. It consoles me that I leave you burnt out souls, tattered souls, dead souls... but what the
hell, good-bye!
2nd head. One man is near me, the man who killed me! And that's how my life ends!
All three heads (in chorus). My life ends. Good-bye!
 49

Lancelot. Those three are dead, but I don't feel too well myself either. My hands don't obey me. I
see poorly. And all the time I keep hearing someone calling me by name: Lancelot, Lancelot. A
familiar voice. A bleak voice. I don't want to go. But it looks like this time I'll have to. What do
you think, am I dying?
The musical instrument answers.
Yes, listening to you, it all sounds high and noble. But I feel terribly ill. I am mortally wounded.
Hold on a minute, wait... Look, the dragon is dead, and there we go, I breathe more easily now.
Elza! I defeated him! But then, I'll never see you again, Elza! You won't smile at me, won't kiss
me, won't ask "Lancelot, what's wrong? Why are you so gloomy? Why does your head spin so?
Why do your shoulders hurt? Who is that calling you so stubbornly – Lancelot, Lancelot?" That
is death calling me, Elza. I am dying. It's very sad, right?
The musical instrument answers.
It's very disappointing. They all hid. As if victory is some sort of misfortune. Why, just wait a
minute, death. You know me. I have looked you in the eye more than once and never tried to
hide. I won't run away now! I hear you. Just give me a minute more to think. They all hid
themselves. Right. But right now, at home, quietly-quietly they are coming back to their senses.
Their souls are straightening out. Why, they are whispering, why did we feed and pamper that
monster? Now because of us a man is dying all alone on the square. But at least now we'll be
smarter! Look what a fight happened up in the air all because of us. Look how painful it is for
poor Lancelot to breathe. No, enough, enough! The strongest, the kindest, the most impatient
died because of our weakness. Even rocks would have grown the wiser by it. And we, after all,
are people. That is what they are whispering in every house, in every room right now. Can you
hear it?
The musical instrument answers.
Yes, yes, that is exactly how it is. And that means I am not dying in vain. Good-bye, Elza. I
knew that I would love you all my life... I just didn't believe that life would end so soon. Good-
bye, city, good-bye, morning, day, evening. And here is the night! Hey, you! Death is calling me,
hurrying me... My thoughts are all stumbling into one another... Something... something I forgot
to say... Hey you! All of you! Don't be afraid. It's all right – not hurting widows and orphans.
Pitying one another, this is all right, too. Don't be afraid! Take pity on one another. Take pity –
and you'll be happy! Honestly, it's the truth, the honest truth, the most honest truth there is in the
 50

world. And that's it. And now I'm leaving. Good-bye.

The musical instrument answers.

CURTAIN.
 51

ACT THREE

A grandly decorated hall in the burgomaster’s palace. In the background,

to both sides of the main door, stand semicircular tables, set for supper. Before them, in the
center of the room, stands a small table with a fat book in golden binding set upon it. At the
rising of the curtain, the orchestra thunders. A group of townspeople stands shouting, faces
turned towards the central door.

Townspeople (softly). One, two, three. (Loudly.) Long live the conqueror of the dragon! (Softly.)
One, two, three. (Loudly.) Long live our ruler! (Softly.) One, two, three. (Loudly.) We are so
happy – it boggles the imagination! (Softly.) One, two, three. (Loudly.) We hear his steps!

Heinrich walks in.

(Loudly, but in sync.) Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah!

1st townsperson. O our wonderful savior! Exactly one year ago the irresponsible, antisocial,
insensitive, nasty son of a bitch the dragon was destroyed by you.
Townspeople. Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah!
1st townsperson. Since then, our lives have been very good. We…
Heinrich. Hold it, hold it my lovelies. Put the stress on “very.”
1st townsperson. Since then, our lives have been ve-ery good.
Heinrich. No, no, my precious. Not like that. You shouldn’t press on the “e.” That way, you get
some sort of insinuating wail, “veiry”. Why don’t you push down on the “v.”
1st townsperson. Since then, our lives have been vvvery good.
Heinrich. Right-right! I approve this version. After all, you all know the conqueror of the dragon.
He is a man simple to the point of naïveté. He likes sincerity, soulfulness. Proceed.
1st townsperson. We simply don’t know where to go from happiness.
Heinrich. Great! Hold on. We’ll put in something here, you know… humane, heroic… The
conqueror of the dragon likes that. (Snaps his fingers.) Hold it, hold it, hold it! Now, now, now!
There! Got it! Even the little birdies chirp merrily. Evil is gone – good has come. Chirp-chirrup!
Chirrup-hurrah!
 52

1st townsperson. Even the little birdies chirp merrily. Evil is gone – good has come, chirp-
chirrup, chirrup-hurrah!
Heinrich. That’s some pretty cheerless chirping, precious. Look out how you don’t get chirrup-
chirruped for that yourself.
1st townsperson (cheerfully.) chirp-chirrup, chirrup-hurrah!
Heinrich. That’s more like it. Well good. We’ve already rehearsed the other parts?
1st townsperson. Yes sir, Mr. Burgomaster.
Heinrich. Fine then. In a moment the conqueror of the dragon, the freed-city president, will come
out to meet you. Remember – you have to speak in sync and at the same time sincerely,
humanely, democratically. It was the dragon that made up a lot ceremony, but we…
Watchman (from the center door). Atten-tion! Eyes to the door! His excellence Mr. Freed-city
President are walking down the corridor. (Stiffly. In a wooden bass.) Oh you darling! Oh you
hero! Killed the dragon! Imagine that!

Flourish of music. The burgomaster walks in.

Heinrich. Your excellence Mr. Freed-city president! There have been no incidents to report
during my watch! Ten in custody! All of them beside themselves with happiness… Self-
evident…
Burgomaster. At ease, at ease, gentlemen. Hello, burgomaster. (Shakes hands with Heinrich.)
Oh! And who is this? Eh, burgomaster?
Heinrich. Our fellow citizens remember that exactly a year ago you slew the dragon, sir. They
ran here to congratulate you.
Burgomaster. You don’t say? Well there’s a pleasant surprise! Well-well, let’s hear it.
Townspeople (soft). One, two, three. (Loud.) Long live the conqueror of the dragon! (Soft.) One,
two, three. (Loud.) Long live our ruler…

The jailor walks in.

Burgomaster. Hold it, hold it! Hello, jailor.

Jailor. Hello, your excellence.
 53

Burgomaster (to the townspeople). Thank you, gentlemen. I already know everything you were
going to say to me anyway. Bah, an unbidden tear. (Brushes away a tear.) But, you see, we’ve
got a wedding in our house and I still have some little chores to do. Come away now and then
come back for the wedding. We’ll have fun. The nightmare is over, and now we’re living! Right?
Townspeople. Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah!
Burgomaster. There-there, exactly. Slavery has receded into the realm of legend and we have
been reborn. Just you remember, who was I under that accursed dragon? An ill man, a madman.
And now? Healthy as a cucumber. I’m not even saying about you. You, my pretties, are always
as cheerful and happy as the little birdies. Well then, flutter off. Shoo! Heinrich, show the door!

Townspeople leave.

Burgomaster. So what’s doing in jail?

Jailor. Time.
Burgomaster. And my ex assistant, what’s he doing?
Jailor. Torturing himself.
Burgomaster. Ha-ha! That a lie, jailor?
Jailor. ‘pon my heart, he is.
Burgomaster. But how exactly?
Jailor. Climbing up the wall.
Burgomaster. Ha-ha! Serves him right! Miserable person. You’d be telling a joke back in the
day, everybody’s laughing, hee-hee ha-ha, and this guy, he shows you his beard. As in, that joke
has gotten so old, it grew a beard, mister. Well, rot in jail, mister. You showed him my portrait?
Jailor. How else!
Burgomaster. Which? The one where I am joyfully smiling?
Jailor. That one.
Burgomaster. So what’d he do?
Jailor. Cried.
Burgomaster. That a lie, jailor?
Jailor. ‘pon my soul, he did.
Burgomaster. Ha-ha! That’s pleasant! And what about the weavers who gave that one… the
 54

flying carpet?
Jailor. I’m sick of ‘em, that’s what. Sit on different floors but stick like one person. Whatever
one says, the other says.
Burgomaster. But, however, they have lost weight?
Jailor. You’ll lose weight with me!
Burgomaster. And the blacksmith?
Jailor. Sawed through his bars again. Had to put a diamond grate in on his window.
Burgomaster. Good, good, spare no expenses. So what’d he do?
Jailor. Scratched his head.
Burgomaster. Ha-ha! That’s pleasant!
Jailor. The hatmaker made these little hats for the mice, so that now the cats don’t touch them.
Burgomaster. Really? Why not?
Jailor. Don’t want to stop gazing at ‘em. And the musician is singing depressing songs. Soon as I
step into his cell, I stuff my ears with wax.
Burgomaster. That’s fine. How’s the city?
Jailor. Quiet. But writing.
Burgomaster. What?
Jailor. The letter “L” on the walls. That means “Lancelot.”
Burgomaster. Nonsense. The letter L means “we Love the president.”
Jailor. Aha. So, no arresting the writers?
Burgomaster. No, why is that. Yes arresting. What else do they write?
Jailor. Embarrassing to say. The president is a beast. His son is a charlatan… The president
(giggles in deep bass)… I daren’t repeat after them, how they express themselves. But most of
all they write the letter “L.”
Burgomaster. Some people. It’s like they’ve got nothing else to think about but this Lancelot.
Speaking of which, any news?
Jailor. Gone.
Burgomaster. Questioned the birds?
Jailor. Aha.
Burgomaster. All of them?
Jailor. Aha. See, what a mark the eagle made. Pecked me right in the ear.
 55

Burgomaster. Well, so what do they say?

Jailor. They say they’ve not seen Lancelot. Only the parrot agrees. You tell him: seen him? And
he tells you: seen him. You tell him: Lancelot? And he tells you: Lancelot. But we know what
kind of bird the parrot is.
Burgomaster. And the snakes?
Jailor. Those would have come crawling here by themselves if they knew anything. Our people.
And also, relatives of the deceased. However, they don’t crawl.
Burgomaster. And the fish?
Jailor. Don’t talk.
Burgomaster. Maybe they know something?
Jailor. No. Expert fish breeders have looked them in the eyes; they confirm: the fish know
nothing. In a word, Lancelot, alias St. George, alias Perseus the Rogue, in every country called a
different name, is to this hour still not located.
Burgomaster. The deuce with him then.

Heinrich walks in.

Heinrich. The father of the happy bride, Mr. Charlemagne the archivist has arrived.
Burgomaster. Aha! Aha! Just the man I need. Ask him in.

Charlemagne enters.

Well, you may go, jailor. Keep up the good work. I am pleased with you.
Jailor. We try, sir.
Burgomaster. Keep trying. Charlemagne, are you acquainted with the jailor?
Charlemagne. Very briefly, Mr. President.
Burgomaster. Indeed. That’s all right. Perhaps you will have a chance to broaden your
acquaintance.
Jailor. Take him?
Burgomaster. There-there, it’s not yet time to take him. Go, go for now. Good-bye.

The jailor leaves.

 56

Burgomaster. Well-l, Charlemagne, you, of course, guess why we called you here? Assorted
government cares, chores, this-that has prevented me from running by your house in person. But
you and Elza know from the orders posted all about town that today is her wedding.
Charlemagne. Yes, we know this, Mr. President.
Burgomaster. We, men of government, don’t have time to propose with flowers, sighs and so
forth. We don’t propose, we command and act as if nothing happened. Ha-ha! It’s quite
convenient. Elza is happy?
Charlemagne. No.
Burgomaster. There-there… Of course she’s happy. And you?
Charlemagne. I am in despair, Mr. President…
Burgomaster. What ingratitude! I killed the dragon…
Charlemagne. Forgive me, Mr. President, but I cannot believe that.
Burgomaster. You can!
Charlemagne. Honestly, I can’t.
Burgomaster. You can, you can. If even I believe it, then you can for certain.
Charlemagne. No.
Burgomaster. But why not?
Heinrich. He is stuffing the price.
Burgomaster. Fine. I offer you a no-show job as my first assistant.
Charlemagne. I don’t want it.
Burgomaster. Nonsense. You do.
Charlemagne. No.
Burgomaster. Don’t haggle, sir, we don’t have time. A state-funded apartment by the park, not
far from the market, fifty three rooms in all, and that’s with all the windows facing south.
Fairytale salary. And, moreover, every time you go to work you get a relocation grant and when
you go back home you get a holiday bonus. Go to your friends – you get traveling money; stay at
home – a paid vacation. You will be almost as rich as I am. There. You agree.
Charlemagne. No.
Burgomaster. Then what do you want?
Charlemagne. We want only one thing – don’t touch us, Mr. President.
 57

Burgomaster. How lovely – don’t touch! And if I want to? And, moreover, from an
administrative point of view this is very sound. The conqueror of the dragon marries the girl he’s
saved. It’s so persuasive. Why don’t you want to understand?
Charlemagne. Why do you torture us? I learned to think, Mr. President, that is in itself a torture,
and now this wedding. Why, a man may lose his mind this way.
Burgomaster. May not, may not! All of these psychological illnesses are just – nonsense. Fairy
tales.
Charlemagne. Oh dear God! We are so helpless! That our city is still every bit as quiet and
obedient as before – that’s so frightening!
Burgomaster. What are you raving about? Why is this frightening? What, have you and your
daughter decided to start an uprising?
Charlemagne. No. We were walking together in the woods today and talked everything through
so well, so thoroughly. Tomorrow, as soon as she is gone, I will die as well.
Burgomaster. What do you mean, gone? What is this nonsense!
Charlemagne. Do you really think she will survive this marriage?
Burgomaster. Of course. It will be a lovely, merry party. Another man would have been glad to
be marrying his daughter to a wealthy person.
Heinrich. And he is glad too.
Charlemagne. No. I am an elderly, polite person, it is hard for me to say this to your eyes. But I
will say it. This wedding is a big misfortune for us.
Heinrich. What an exhausting way to bargain.
Burgomaster. Listen you, precious! You won’t get more than you have already been offered! It
seems you want a hand in our ventures? Well, it ain’t happening! What the dragon used to
shamelessly take for himself is now in the hands of the city’s best people. More plainly: in mine
and, partially, Heinrich’s. This is perfectly legal. I won’t give a penny of that money!
Charlemagne. Permit me to leave, Mr. President.
Burgomaster. You may. Only remember the following. First: at the wedding, be so kind as to be
cheerful, optimistic and full of witty banter. Second: no dying! Please to make an effort to live as
long as I find it convenient. Tell this to your daughter, too. Third: in the future, call me “your
excellence.” You see this list? There are fifty last names here. All your best friends. If you start
rebelling, all fifty hostages will disappear without a trace. Go. Wait. A carriage will be sent after
 58

you in a minute. You will return in it with your daughter – and no nonsense! Got it? Go!

Charlemagne leaves.

Well, everything is coming along like on butter.

Heinrich. What did the jailor report?
Burgomaster. Not a cloud in the sky.
Heinrich. And the letter “L”?
Burgomaster. Oh, as if they didn’t write all kinds of letters on the walls when the dragon was in
power! Let them write. After all, it is consoling to them, and doesn’t hurt us. Check if this chair
is empty, won’t you?
Heinrich. Oh, dad! (Feels the chair.) There is no one here. Sit.
Burgomaster. Please don’t smile. In his hat of darkness he could slip through anywhere.
Heinrich. Father, you don’t know this man. He is stuffed to the very top of his head with his
notions. Out of knightly courtesy, he will take off his hat before entering the house – and the
guards will seize him.
Burgomaster. His personality might have spoiled in a year. (Sits.) Well, sonny boy, well, my
teensy-weensy-puff, now let’s talk about our own little business. There’s a debt after you,
sunshine.
Heinrich. What debt, daddy?
Burgomaster. You bribed three of my servants to spy on me, read my papers and so forth. Right?
Heinrich. Why, daddy!
Burgomaster. Hold on, junior, don’t interrupt. I added them five hundred thalers out of my own
personal funds, so they would tell you only what I myself allow. Consequently, you owe me five
hundred thalers, baby boy.
Heinrich. No, father. Learning about this, I added them six hundred.
Burgomaster. And I, guessing your game, added them a thousand, little piglet! Consequently, the
gambit is in my favor. And don’t add them any more, sweetheart. They’ve grown fat, depraved
and uncivilized on such pay. Any moment now they’ll start jumping our own people. Next. It
will be necessary to straighten out my personal secretary. The poor fellow had to be sent to the
psychiatric ward.
 59

Heinrich. Really? Why?

Burgomaster. Why, it’s just that the two of us bribed and rebribed him so many times a day that
now he can’t figure out for the life of him who it is that he actually serves. Reports to me on
myself. Intrigues against himself to seize his own position. Honest boy, tries hard, it’s a pity to
see how he tortures himself. We will come by the hospital tomorrow and establish for good
whom he really works for. Oh, you, my junior! Oh, you, my little wonderful! Wants to get into
daddy’s place, does he.
Heinrich. Why, father!
Burgomaster. It’s all right, my tiny one! It’s all right. It happens. You know what I want to offer
you? Let’s spy on each other the simple way, you know, in the family, like father and son,
without any of these outsiders. How much money we will save!
Heinrich. Oh, dad, what’s money!
Burgomaster. And indeed. Can’t take it with you to the grave…

Clatter of hooves and jingling of bells.

(Flies to the window.) She’s here! Our beauty is here! What a carriage! What a wonder! Adorned
with dragon scales! And Elza herself! Wonder of wonders. All in velvet. No, say what you will,
power is a pretty decent thing… (Whispers.) Question her!
Heinrich. Whom?
Burgomaster. Elza. She’s so quiet lately. What if she knows where he is, you know… (looks
around) Lancelot. Question her carefully. And I will listen in from behind the curtain here.
(Hides.)

Elza and Charlemagne walk in.

Heinrich. Greetings, Elza. You are more beautiful with every day, – this is very nice of you. The
president is getting changed. He asked to give his apologies. Sit in this chair, Elza. (Sits her with
her back to the curtain behind which the burgomaster is hiding.) And you wait in the anteroom,
Mr. Charlemagne.

Charlemagne exits with a bow.

 60

Elza, I am glad that the president is pulling on his parade gear right now. I have wanted to speak
to you for a long time now in private, as friends, with an open soul. Why don’t you talk? Eh?
You don’t want to answer me? After all, I am, in my own way, attached to you. Talk to me.
Elza. About what?
Heinrich. About anything you want.
Elza. I don’t know… I don’t want anything.
Heinrich. That’s impossible. After all, it’s your wedding day today… Oh, Elza… Once again I
have to step down from you for someone else. But the conqueror of the dragon is the conqueror.
I am a cynic, I am a mocker, but before him even I bow down. You aren’t listening to me?
Elza. No.
Heinrich. Oh, Elza… Have I really become a complete stranger to you? We were such good
friends when we were little. Remember, how you had the measles and I kept running down to
your window until I fell ill myself. And you would visit me and cry that I was so meek and quiet.
Remember?
Elza. Yes.
Heinrich. Can it really be that those children who have been such friends have suddenly died?
Can there really be nothing left of them in you and me? Let’s talk, like in the old days, like
brother and sister.
Elza. Well all right, let’s talk.

The burgomaster looks out from behind the curtain

and noiselessly applauds Heinrich.

You want to know why I never talk?

The burgomaster nods his head.

Because I am afraid.
Heinrich. Of whom?
Elza. Of people.
Heinrich. That’s what it is? Specify, which people exactly you are afraid of. We will lock them
 61

up in the dungeon and you will immediately get better.

The burgomaster takes out a notebook.

Well, name the names.

Elza. No, Heinrich, that won’t help.
Heinrich. It will, I assure you. I have tried it in practice. It improves your sleep, your mood and
even your appetite.
Elza. You see… I don’t know how to explain this to you… I am afraid of all people.
Heinrich. Oh, that’s what it is… I understand. I understand very well. All people, I among them,
seem cruel in your eyes. Right? You, maybe, won’t believe me, but… I am afraid of them
myself. I am afraid of father.

The burgomaster parts his hands in bewilderment.

I am afraid of our loyal servants. And I pretend to be cruel myself to make them afraid of me.
Oh, we have all become so caught up in our own cobweb. Tell me, tell me more, I am listening.

The burgomaster nods in understanding.

Elza. Well, what else can I tell you… At first I was angry, then I was grieving, then it all became
the same to me. I am so obedient now, like never before. You could do anything you want with
me.

The burgomaster giggles loudly.

Frightened, he hides behind the curtain. Elza looks around.

Who was that?

Heinrich. Never mind. They are preparing for the wedding feast in there. My poor, dear little
sister. What a pity, that gone, gone without a trace is our good Lancelot. Only now do I
understand him. He is an incredible person. Can there really be no hope that he will come back to
us?
 62

The burgomaster has once more crept out from behind the curtain.
He is all attention.

Elza. He… he won’t come back.

Heinrich. You shouldn’t think like that. For some reason, I have a feeling that we will see him
again.
Elza. No.
Heinrich. Trust me!
Elza. It pleases me to hear you talk this way, but… Is there no one listening to us?

The burgomaster squats down behind the back of the chair.

Heinrich. Of course there’s no one, dear. Today is a holiday. All the spies are resting.
Elza. You see… I know what happened to Lancelot.
Heinrich. Don’t, please don’t say it if it tortures you to speak.

The burgomaster threatens him with his fist.

Elza. No, I have been quiet for so long that now I want to tell you everything. I thought that no
one else besides me would understand how sad it is, I guess that’s just the sort of city I was born
in. But you’re listening to me so carefully today… In a word… Exactly a year ago, when the
fight was nearing to the end, the cat ran to the palace square. And there he saw: Lancelot as
white as death, was standing by the dead heads of the dragon. He was leaning on his sword and
smiling so as not to upset the cat. The cat dashed back to call to me for help. But the guards were
trying so hard to keep watch on me that not even a fly could make it through into the house.
They chased the cat away.
Heinrich. The rude soldiers!
Elza. Then he called his friend the donkey. Putting the wounded man on his back, he led the
donkey by the back streets out of our city.
Heinrich. But why?
Elza. Oh, Lancelot was so weak that the people might have killed him. And so they went by a
 63

little path into the mountains. The cat sat by Lancelot’s chest and listened to hear if his heart was
beating.
Heinrich. It was beating, I hope?
Elza. Yes but ever and ever more distantly. And now the cat cried: “stop!” And the donkey
stopped. It was already night. They had climbed very high up into the mountains and all around
them was so quiet, and so cold. “Turn home! – said the cat. – People won’t hurt him now. Let
Elza say good-bye to him and then we will give him a burial.”
Heinrich. He died, poor fellow!
Elza. He died, Heinrich. The stubborn donkey said: I don’t consent to turning. And walked on.
But the cat came back – after all, he is so attached to our house. He came back, told me
everything, and now I don’t wait for anyone. It’s over.
Burgomaster. Hurrah! It’s over! (Dances, runs around the room.) It’s over! I am complete ruler
over everyone! Now there is really no one left to fear. Thank you, Elza! Now this is a holiday!
Who will dare say I didn’t kill the dragon now? Well, who?
Elza. He was listening to us?
Heinrich. Of course.
Elza. And you knew this?
Heinrich. Oh Elza, don’t play the naïve little girl. You are, thank god, going to become a wife
today!
Elza. Father! Father!

Charlemagne runs in.

Charlemagne. What is it, my little one? (Wants to embrace her.)

Burgomaster. Hands to your hips! Stand at attention when you face my bride!
Charlemagne (stretched out at attention). Please don’t, please calm down. Don’t cry. What can
we do? There’s nothing we can do about this. What can anyone do?

Flourish of music.

Burgomaster (runs over to the window). How lovely! How cozy! The wedding guests have
 64

arrived. The horses are covered in ribbons! Lanterns are hanging from the carriage shafts! How
splendid to live in the world and know that no idiot can do a thing about it. Smile already, Elza.
On the very second, at the settled hour, the freed-city president himself will seal you in his arms.

The doors are thrown wide open.

Welcome, welcome, dear guests.

The guests walk in.

They come up in pairs, walking past Elza and the burgomaster.
They speak with deference, almost in whispers.

1st townsperson. Congratulations to the groom and bride. Everyone is so happy.

2nd townsperson. The houses are adorned with little lanterns.
1st townsperson. It is bright as daylight on the streets!
2nd townsperson. All the wine cellars are full of people.
Boy. Everyone is fighting and swearing.
Guests. Shhh!
Gardener. Allow me to present you with these bellflowers. Although they do ring somewhat
dolefully – but that’s all right. In the morning they will wither away and be at peace.
Elza’s 1st girlfriend. Elza, dear, do try to be happy. Otherwise I will cry and spoil my eyelashes,
which had turned out so well for me today.
2nd girlfriend. After all he is better than the dragon… He has hands, feet, and he doesn’t have
any scales. After all he may be the president, but he is still a human being. Tomorrow, you’ll tell
us everything. It will be so interesting!
3rd girlfriend. You will be able to do people so much good! Like for example, you can ask the
groom to fire my father’s boss. Then father will take his place, get paid twice as much as now,
and we will be so happy.
Burgomaster (counts the guests under his breath). One, two, three, four. (Then the silverware.)
One, two, three… It’s as if one of the guests is one too any… Oh, but it’s the boy. There-there
stop that howling. You will eat from the same plate as your mother. All are present. Folks, I ask
 65

you to table. We will quickly and modestly perform the rite of marriage and then go on to the
wedding feast. I got us fish, created specifically to be eaten. It laughs for joy as it is being boiled,
and all by itself tells the cook when it is done. And here is a turkey stuffed with her own little
chicks. It’s so cozy, so domestic. And here are piglets that have not only been fed, but also
brought up, especially for our table. They can serve food and give the paw, even though they are
roasted. Don’t scream, little boy, it isn’t at all scary, but amusing. And here are wines so old that
they have fallen into their second childhood and are leaping like little kids inside their bottles.
And here is vodka which is such clean alcohol that the pitcher seems empty. But I beg your
pardon, it really is empty. It’s those rascals the lackeys, they cleaned it out. But that’s all right,
there are many more pitchers in the bar. How pleasant it is to be rich, ladies and gentlemen!
Everyone is seated? Excellent. Hold it, hold it, don’t eat yet, we’ll get betrothed now. Just a
minute! Elza! Gimme your paw!

Elza reaches her hand out to the burgomaster.

Little brat! Vixen! What a warm little paw! Snout up! Smile! Everything ready, Heinrich?
Heinrich. Yes, sir, Mr. President.
Burgomaster. Go.
Heinrich. I am a poor orator, ladies and gentlemen, and fear I shall speak somewhat at random.
One year ago, a self-assured traveling rogue challenged the accursed dragon to battle. A special
committee created by the city government confirmed the following: the now-deceased arrogant
meddler managed only to provoke the now-deceased monster, giving it a non-life-threatening
wound. Then, our former burgomaster, now the freed-city president, heroically threw himself at
the dragon and, performing various miracles of valor, slew him, this time for good.

Applause.

The thistle of ignominious slavery was pulled out of the soil of our commonwealth with the root!

Applause.

The grateful city decreed the following: if we used to give our best girls to the dragon, shall we
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now deny this simple and natural right to our dear liberator!

Applause.

And so, to stress the greatness of the president on the one hand and the obedience and loyalty of
the city on the other hand, I, as burgomaster, shall now perform the rite of marriage. Organ, the
wedding hymn!

Organ thunders.

Scribes! Open the book of fortunate events.

Scribes walk in,

carrying massive automatic quills in their hands.

For four hundred years, the names of the unhappy maidens fated unto the dragon were written
down in this book. Four hundred pages are written. And for the first time, on the four hundred
and first, we shall write the name of the lucky girl who will be taken in marriage by the hero who
destroyed the beast.

Applause.

Groom, answer me in clear conscience. Do you agree to take this maiden for your wife?
Burgomaster. For the good of my hometown, I can do anything.

Applause.

Heinrich. Write it, scribes! Careful! You put a blot there, I’ll make you lick it off with your
tongue! There! Well, that’s that. Oh, I’m sorry! There is still one empty formality left. Bride!
You, of course, agree to become the wife of Mr. Freed-city President?

Pause.
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Well, let’s hear it, young lady, do you agree…

Elza. No.
Heinrich. Well, that’s nice. Write, scribes – she agrees.
Elza. Don’t you dare write that!

The scribes fall back.

Heinrich. Elza, don’t interrupt us when we’re working.

Burgomaster. But, my dear sir, she is not at all interrupting. If a young lady says “no,” it means
“yes.” Write, scribes!
Elza. No! I will tear that page out of the book and trample it to pieces!
Burgomaster. Beautiful virgin waverings, tears, fears, this-that. Every young woman cries to her
own tune before her marriage, but afterwards often turns out to be quite satisfied. We will just
hold her by the hands right now, and do everything that’s necessary. Scribes…
Elza. Let me at least say one word! Please!
Heinrich. Elza!
Burgomaster. Don’t yell, junior. Everything is in order. The bride wants to have the word. We
will give her the word, and with that finish the official part. It’s all right, it’s all right, let her
speak – all our people here.
Elza. Friends, my friends! Why are you killing me? This is scary like a dream. When a bandit
has raised his knife over you, you can still escape. They will kill the bandit, or you’ll slip away
from him… But what if the bandit’s knife suddenly flies at you all of its own? And his rope
sweeps towards you like a snake to tie you by the hands and feet? If even the curtain from his
window, the quiet little curtain, suddenly flies at you to stop your mouth? What will you say
then? I thought that all of you were only obedient to the dragon as the knife is obedient to the
bandit. But it turns out that you, my friends, are bandits, too! I am not blaming you, you
yourselves don’t even notice it, but I beg you – think! Has the dragon really not died but, as it
has often happened to him before, turned human? Only this time he has turned into many people
and here they are, killing me. Don’t murder me! Wake up! My god, what hopelessness… Rip
through the cobweb in which you have all caught yourselves. Will no one really stand up for me?
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Boy. I’d stand up for you but mom is holding me by the hands.
Burgomaster. Well and that’s that. The bride has made her speech. Life goes on as before, as if
nothing ever happened.
Boy. Mom!
Burgomaster. Be quiet, my little one. We’ll have fun just as if nothing happened. Enough of this
bookkeeping, Heinrich. Write down in there: “The marriage is considered complete” – and let’s
have supper. I want awfully to have some supper.
Heinrich. Write, scribes: the marriage is considered complete. Lively now! What, d’you think of
something?

The scribes take up their quills. There is a loud knock at the door.
The scribes fall back.

Burgomaster. Who’s there?

Silence.

Hey, you there! Whoever you are, tomorrow, tomorrow at the visiting hours, through the
secretary. I don’t have time! I’m getting married here!

Another knock.

Don’t open the door! Write, scribes!

The door swings open all by itself.

There is no one behind it.

Heinrich, come to me! What is the meaning of this?

Heinrich. Oh, father, it’s an ordinary story. The innocent pleas of our maiden here have disturbed
all these naïve inhabitants of the rivers, forests, lakes. The house-goblin ran down from the attic,
the water-sprite crept up from the well… Well let them if they wish… What can they do to us.
They are as invisible and powerless as the so-called conscience and other little items of that sort.
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So we’ll have two or three scary dreams – and that’s that.

Burgomaster. No, it’s him!
Heinrich. Who?
Burgomaster. Lancelot. He is wearing the hat of darkness. He is standing by us. He is listening to
what we say. And his sword is raised over my head.
Heinrich. Dear daddy! If you don’t get a hold on yourself, sir, then I will take the power into my
hands.
Burgomaster. Music! Play on! Dear guests! Forgive this involuntary hitch, but I am so afraid of
drafts. A draft opened the door – and that’s that. Elza, be calm, baby girl! I declare the marriage
complete with future confirmation. What’s this? Who is that running there?

A terrified servant runs in.

Servant. Take it back! Take it back!

Burgomaster. Take what back?
Servant. Take you cursed money back! I don’t serve you anymore!
Burgomaster. Why not?
Servant. He will kill me for all the lowlife things I’ve done. (Runs away.)
Burgomaster. Who will kill him? Eh? Heinrich?

A second servant runs in.

2nd servant. He is already coming down the hall! I bowed to him as low as my waist but he
didn’t answer me! He doesn’t even look at people now. Oh, we’ll get it for everything! Oh, we
will! (Runs away.)
Burgomaster. Heinrich!
Heinrich. Hold yourselves as if nothing happened, people! Whatever does happen. This will save
us.

A third servant appears, stumbling backwards into the room.

Shouts into space.
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2nd servant. I’ll prove it! My wife can confirm! I always judged the way they behaved
themselves! I took money from them purely on a nervous basis. I will bring a doctor’s note!
(Disappears.)
Burgomaster. Look!
Heinrich. As if nothing happened! For god’s sake, as if nothing happened!

Lancelot walks in.

Burgomaster. Oh, hello, well there’s someone we did not expect. But nonetheless – welcome, sir.
We don’t have enough silverware… but that’s all right. You will eat out of the deep plate, and I
out of the shallow one. I would order for them to bring more plates but the servants, the little
fools, all ran away… So we are getting married here, as you’d say, he-he-he, our own private
little business, intimate, as you’d say. So cozy… please let me introduce you, sir. But where are
the guests? Ah, they have dropped something and are looking for it under the table. Here is my
son, Heinrich. You’ve met before, I believe. He is so young, and already the burgomaster. He
really moved forward after I…. after we… well, in a word after the dragon was killed. What’s
wrong, sir? Please come in.
Heinrich. Why don’t you talk?
Burgomaster. And indeed, why don’t you? How was the road? Heard any news? Would you like
to rest from your journey? The guards will show you where to go.
Lancelot. Hello, Elza!
Elza. Lancelot! (Runs up to him.) Sit, please, sit. Come in. Is it really you?
Lancelot. Yes, Elza.
Elza. And your hands are warm. And your hair has gotten a little longer since we’ve seen each
other. Or does it just seem so to me? But your cape is still the same. Lancelot! (Sits him down at
the small table in the center of the room.) Drink some wine. Or no, don’t take anything from
them. Just rest a little, and we will go away. Father! He came, father! Just like on that evening.
Just then, when we two were again thinking there was nothing left for us to do but to go and die
quietly. Lancelot!
Lancelot. So you still love me as before?
Elza. Father, do you hear this? We’ve imagined so many times, how he will come in and ask:
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Elza, do you love me as before? And I would answer: yes, Lancelot! And then ask him: where
have you been for so long?
Lancelot. Very far away, in the Black Mountains.
Elza. Were you very ill?
Lancelot. Yes, Elza. After all, being mortally wounded is very, very dangerous.
Elza. Who took care of you?
Lancelot. The wife of a lumberjack. A good, kind woman. Only she would get upset that in my
fever I kept calling her Elza.
Elza. So you were lonely without me, too?
Lancelot. I was.
Elza. And how I was killing myself! They tortured me here.
Burgomaster. Who? That’s impossible! Why did you not complain to us, ma’am? We would
have taken measures!
Lancelot. I know everything, Elza.
Elza. You do?
Lancelot. Yes.
Elza. From whom?
Lancelot. In the black mountains, not far from the lumberjack’s hut, there is a giant cave. Inside
this cave lies a book, a pleading book, written almost to the end. No one touches it, but page after
page is added to those already written, added every day. Who’s writing? The world! They are
written, they are all written, all the crimes of the criminals, all the misfortunes of those suffering
in vain.

Heinrich and the burgomaster head on tiptoes for the door.

Elza. And you read there about us?

Lancelot. Yes, Elza. Hey, you there! Murderers! Stand still!
Burgomaster. But why so harshly, Mr. Lancelot?
Lancelot. Because I am not the same as a year ago. I freed you, and what did you do?
Burgomaster. Oh, heavens! If people are dissatisfied with me, I shall go away on retirement.
Lancelot. You will not go anywhere!
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Heinrich. That is perfectly right, sir. How he behaved himself around here without you, it
boggles the imagination. I can provide you with a full list of his crimes which have not yet been
entered into the pleading book, but are only drafted for execution.
Lancelot. Silence!
Heinrich. But however! If you examine things deeply, I personally am not guilty of anything. It’s
how I was educated.
Lancelot. Everyone was educated. But why did you have to end up the first student, you beast?
Heinrich. Let’s go, dad. He’s swearing.
Lancelot. No, you won’t go. It is already a month since I’ve been back, Elza.
Elza. And you didn’t come by to see me!
Lancelot. I did, but wearing the cap of darkness, early in the morning. I kissed you quietly, so
that you wouldn’t wake up. And then I went to roam the city. And a frightening way of life I saw
here. It was hard to read about, but to see it with your own eyes – that was worse! You there, Mr.
Müller!

The first townsperson gets up from under the table.

I saw you crying for joy when you shouted to the burgomaster: “Glory to you, conqueror of the
dragon!”
1st townsperson. It’s true. I did cry. But I was not pretending, Mr. Lancelot.
Lancelot. But you knew he was not the one who killed the dragon.
1st townsperson. At home, I knew… but at the parade… (parts his hands.)
Lancelot. Gardener!

The gardener gets up from under the table.

You tried to teach the snapdragon to shout: “Hurrah to the president!”?

Gardener. I did, sir.
Lancelot. And did it learn?
Gardener. Yes. Only, every time it was done shouting, the snapdragon would stick its tongue out
at me. I thought I would receive money for new experiments… but…
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Lancelot. Friedriksen!

The second townsperson creeps out from under the table.

Growing angry with you, the burgomaster locked your only son in the dungeon?
2nd townsperson. Yes. The boy is always coughing as it is, and the dungeon is damp!
Lancelot. And after this you gave the burgomaster a pipe engraved with the words: “Yours
forever”?
2nd townsperson. And how else was I to soften his heart?
Lancelot. What am I supposed to do with you people?
Burgomaster. Forget them, sir. This isn’t work for you. Heinrich and I will take care of them
wonderfully. It will be the best punishment for these nobodies. Put Elza’s arm through yours and
leave us to live our own way. It will be so humane, so democratic.
Lancelot. I can’t. Come in, friends!

Enter the weavers, blacksmith,

master of hats and hatting,
master of musical instruments.

And you, too, have disappointed me. I thought that you would be able to handle them without
me. Why did you obey and go to prison? There are so many of you!
Weavers. They didn’t give us time to think.
Lancelot. Take these people in. The burgomaster and the president.
Weavers (taking the burgomaster and the president). Let’s go!
Blacksmith. I’ve checked the bars myself. They are strong. Let’s go!
Master of hats and hatting. Here are dunce’s caps for you! I used to make beautiful hats, but you
have hardened my heart in prison. Let’s go!
Master of musical instruments. In my cell I shaped a violin from black bread and wove strings
for it out of cobwebs. Gloomily plays my violin and softly, but you have yourselves to blame for
that. To the sound of our music, come now to that place from which there is no coming back.
Heinrich. But this is nonsense, this is wrong, things don’t happen this way. A roamer, a pauper,
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an impractical person – and suddenly…

Weavers. Let’s go!
Burgomaster. I protest, this is inhumane!
Weavers. Let’s go!

A grim, plain, barely audible music.

Heinrich and the burgomaster are led away.

Lancelot. Elza, I am not the same as I was before. You see?

Elza. Yes. But I love you even more now.
Lancelot. We won’t be able to go away…
Elza. It’s all right. After all, being at home can also be a lot of fun.
Lancelot. It is all small-scale work ahead. Worse than embroidering. We will have to kill a
dragon in each one of them.
Boy. Will it hurt?
Lancelot. You, no.
1st townsperson. And us?
Lancelot. We will have to have a fuss with you.
Gardener. But be patient, Mr. Lancelot. I beg you, be patient. Graft stocks. Make fires – warmth
helps things grow. Remove weeds carefully, so as not to hurt the healthy roots. Because if you do
think about it, people, essentially, also – though, perhaps, with all due reservations – deserve
careful management.
1st girlfriend. And let today be a wedding day after all.
2nd girlfriend. Because having fun can make people better, too.
Lancelot. That’s right! Hey, music!

Music thunders.

Elza, give me your hand. I love you all, my friends. Or else for what sake would I have gone to
all this fuss with you, if I didn’t? And if I love you, then everything will be wonderful. And all of
us, after long cares and troubles will finally be happy, very happy, after all!
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CURTAIN.

END OF PLAY