1.

GRAMMAR AND WORDING

The mistakes found in your essay:

- "sport equipments" should be "sports equipment" (equipment is uncountable, and we usually refer to
"sports equipment" rather than "sport equipment").

- "locality" should be "local communities" or "the local area."

locality
 noun
 
/ləʊˈkæləti/
 
/ləʊˈkæləti/
(plural localities)
(formal)

1. the area that surrounds the place you are in or are talking about

SYNONYM vicinity

- "had gained" should be "has gained."

-. "archive" should be "achieve."

-. "aiding several facilities, they could shows" should be "aiding various facilities, they could show."

-. "the health and entertainment situations of citizens" should be "the health and entertainment needs
of citizens."

-. "the popularity of the urban dwellers, which reinforce" should be "the popularity among urban
dwellers, which reinforces."

-. "the long term development incrementally of any association" should be "the incremental long-term
development of any organization."

-. "Another reasons of the advocates does not come from any economical benefits" should be "Another
reason advocates support this does not stem from any economic benefits."

-. "The purpose of these actions are" should be "The purpose of these actions is."

-. "people living standard" should be "people's living standards."

-. "every individuals could afford to healthcare services" should be "all individuals can afford healthcare
services."

-. "Another advantages is" should be "Another advantage is."

-. "are proficient in the surprising way" should be "work in surprising ways."

-. "The labour forces of the company must be collect" should be "The labor force of a company is often
drawn."

-. "the employees of themself" should be "the workforce itself."

-. "government should have implement to providing" should be "government should be responsible for
providing."

-. "my points of view is" should be "my point of view is."

-. "inhabitants should be encouraged to have responsibilities to support to community no matter they

are the individuals or the corporations" is not clear. A corrected version could be "inhabitants, whether
individuals or corporations, should be encouraged to support their communities."

-. "the remarkable assistance of companies to a republic of population’s healthcare" should be "the

remarkable contribution of companies to public healthcare."

-. "should not be dissuade" should be "should not be discouraged."

2. SUGGESTED VERSION

The concept that organizations should supply athletic apparatus to local communities has gained
immense approbation from the masses. From my vantage point, I resoundingly concur with this
statement, and this essay will elucidate my stance with pertinent illustrations.

By and large, corporations could garner a plethora of benefits by proffering these amenities to the
public. First and foremost, by extending support to various facilities, they could exhibit their concern for
the health and entertainment requirements of the citizenry. This constitutes an effective strategy to
bolster the popularity among urban dwellers, thereby incrementally fortifying the long-term
development of any organization. This can be perceived as a savvy and pragmatic marketing campaign.
Another rationale for advocacy is not derived from any economic benefits. The intent behind these
actions is entirely altruistic, with the aim to augment people's living standards, given that not all
individuals can access healthcare services.

An additional boon is that these methods of charity operate in unforeseen manners. The labor force of
a company is often recruited from the local community, hence, enhancing the physical and mental
conditions of these groups effectively reinforces the morale and productivity of the workforce itself.

Some naysayers contend that the government should bear the responsibility of providing the
indispensable necessities since they have received taxes and fees from people. Contrariwise, my
contention is that inhabitants, whether individuals or corporations, should be stimulated to contribute
to their communities.

In conclusion, despite some contrary reactions, the noteworthy contribution of companies to public
healthcare and recreation should not be deterred.
 3. COHESION
Most of the ideas and supporting sentences in your original essay are relevant to the topic,
although some could be expressed more clearly. However, the paragraph about the labor force
and companies doing charity could be deemed slightly off-topic, as it seems to suggest that the
main reason for companies to supply sports equipment is to benefit their own employees. The
main focus should be on the broader community benefits.

Here's a suggestion for that paragraph:

"An additional boon of these corporate philanthropic actions is their capacity to foster a sense of
community. Distributing sports equipment and encouraging active lifestyles can bring people together,
regardless of their backgrounds. It facilitates community interaction, promotes healthy habits, and
improves overall community morale. More importantly, these actions are not limited to serving the
company's immediate employees but extend their impact to the larger community, thereby enhancing
the company's social standing and acceptance."

This paragraph still recognizes the benefits to the company (improved social standing and acceptance)
but refocuses the benefits on the community, which seems more in line with the overall argument of
the essay.

1. "Generally, companies could archive myriad merits through providing these amenities publicly."

The topic sentence introduces the idea that companies could benefit from providing sports equipment
to the public. The supporting sentences then explain how this can increase their popularity and be a
marketing strategy, which is coherent and relevant to the topic sentence.

2. "Another reasons of the advocates does not come from any economical benefits. The purpose of
these actions are completely voluntary in order to heighten people living standard as not every
individuals could afford to healthcare services."

The topic sentence is slightly unclear. It seems to suggest that the advocates for this idea have reasons
beyond economic benefits. However, the following sentences fail to specify what these other reasons
are, focusing instead on the purpose of the actions (voluntarily improving living standards). The
connection between the topic sentence and supporting sentences needs improvement for better clarity
and cohesion.
3. "Another advantages is that these methods of doing charity are proficient in the surprising way. The
labour forces of the company must be collect from the local community, hence, boosting the physical
and mental conditions of these groups are adequate to strengthen the employees of themself."

This paragraph's topic sentence talks about the advantages of companies doing charity work, but the
supporting sentences veer towards the company's labor force and boosting their conditions, which
doesn't directly support the idea that charity methods are advantageous. The connection between the
topic sentence and supporting sentences is not strong here.

4. "Some opponents state that the government should have implement to providing the indispensable
necessities since they have received the taxes and fees from people."

This sentence introduces a counter-argument, and then the following sentence refutes it by suggesting
that everyone (including corporations) should contribute to their communities. The sentences are
logically connected and follow the pattern of presenting an opposing view and then arguing against it.

Overall, the cohesion of your original essay could be improved for better clarity and flow of ideas. The
second and third paragraphs in particular could use some refinement to ensure that the supporting
sentences directly clarify and expand on the topic sentences.