GOTTMAN RAPOPORT

INTERVENTION
RULES FOR THE SPEAKER
Your task is to honestly talk about your feelings and

beliefs about your position on this issue.

No blaming, criticism, or contempt.
No “You” statements.
Only use “I” statements about a specific situation.
Talk about your feelings.
State a positive need using a gentle start-up. Within

every complaint there is a longing. When that longing

is expressed, a recipe for how to fulfill it may emerge.

RULES FOR THE LISTENER

Postpone your own agenda.
Hear your partner’s pain, even if you don’t agree with

the details.
Try to understand your partner’s world from her or his

perspective, not your own.

Ask questions for clarification and elaboration that

deepen your understanding of your partner’s needs,

such as “Tell me the story of that,” “What do your

values tell you about this?” and, “How does this

situation affect you?”

017 BY DR. JOHN M. GOTTMAN AND DR. JULIE SCHWARTZ GOTTMAN.
DISTRIBUTED UNDER LICENSE BY THE GOTTMAN INSTITUTE, INC.
GOTTMAN RAPOPORT
INTERVENTION
GOAL:
Discuss a topic in a manner where you both feel
understood by each other.

PRINCIPAL:
Before you can engage in persuasion, you each have to
summarize your partner’s position to your partner’s
satisfaction. It requires each of you to interview your
partner extensively about your partner’s position. You
will ask open ended and clarifying questions, and lastly,
summarize and validate your partner’s position.

STEP 1:
Agree on an issue to work on.

STEP 2:
Decide who will be the speaker/sharer and who will be
the listener. The speaker/sharer will describe their
feelings and what they experienced from their
perspective.

©2017 BY DR. JOHN M. GOTTMAN AND DR. JULIE SCHWARTZ GOTTMAN.

DISTRIBUTED UNDER LICENSE BY THE GOTTMAN INSTITUTE, INC.
GOTTMAN RAPOPORT
INTERVENTION
STEP 3
The listener should ask open ended questions to gain
more detail and clarity. The Listener should then
express empathy. For example, "After hearing all of that
it makes sense to me how/why you're feeling that way."

STEP 4
When the speaker/sharer feels complete, the listener
should reflect back what they heard (acknowledge and
validate) and ask, "did I get that right?". Ask your partner
if she or he feels understood. If not, ask, “What do I need
to know to understand your perspective better?”

STEP 6
After the speaker feels that the listener has described
their perspective accurately and to their satisfaction
then switch roles.

©2017 BY DR. JOHN M. GOTTMAN AND DR. JULIE SCHWARTZ GOTTMAN.

DISTRIBUTED UNDER LICENSE BY THE GOTTMAN INSTITUTE, INC.