Defog Your Focus

Page 1 of 82
Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen

To all those daring to grow, together we will.

Defog Your Focus

Page 3 of 82
Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen

Defog Your Focus

Practical Personal Growth
Lessons on nine nuances of life

©Fiza Ameen
 Defog Your Focus

Welcome dear reader,

We are defined, above all, by courage. And here you are filled with such
enthusiasm to spare time for your growth.

This Book covers some yet important nuances knitted to humanness. It

answers some questions associated with subtleties of these aspects and also
offers practical and research-based ways to make amends. If you’re
interested in details (on the topics listed on the next pages), this book is for
you.

It’s my sincere hope that this book will facilitate you. However, I must address
what this book cannot do. Regardless of all my efforts, this booklet cannot
encompass the ‘individuality’ of every situation. Of course, we all are living
our unique lives. Furthermore, due to the ongoing research, it’s not fair to
consider any idea listed here as totality for there is always more to learn.
Therefore, this book must not be considered as a ‘medical advice’ but as a
compass from a sincere heart to enrich your life. Be Blessed always! 

Page 5 of 82
Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen

Note:
The writings were originally published by the author as articles.
 Defog Your Focus

What to expect from the book:

 Help or Intervention? How to Feed the Line Between the
Two? (Helping others the Right way)

 3 Biggest Complexities of Life as an Introvert and The Cure

(Addressing the barriers between Introversion and extroversion)
 The Art of Cultivating Authentic Growth in Life (Researches
on self-confidence, self-criticism, and self-compassion)
 How is Your Relationship with Yourself? (Poor self-
relationship, the implications, and the way out)
 The Biggest Reason for Being Afraid of Death (Defining
research-backed why behind the fear and the cure)
 First Step in Developing Empathy| A Way to Deepen
Connectivity with Humanity (What empathy is? And, what
empathy isn’t? How to develop empathy?)
 Talk About Things that are Eating at Your Heart and Mind.
(Stress, its types, all possible ways out, and the best way)

Page 7 of 82
Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen

Help or Intervention? How to

Feed the Line Between the
Two?

Photo by Neil Thomas on Unsplash

“It’s not the load that breaks you down, it’s the
way you carry it.”

— Lou Holtz

The universe has a mysterious way of granting us what we long for

when we assist others in their journey toward what they are
passionate about.
 Defog Your Focus

The words we speak, the energy we spread, and the ideas we form
become a permanent home that provides us with solace whenever
we truly need it. The not-so-obvious secrets of life will always shun
the darkness from life when we are open to helping others.

Every action we take towards aiding another soul is in fact a step

toward our own illumination and our own journey.

The problem, however, arises when we blur the line between help
and intervention. When assistance and interference are intertwined.

Why one must feed this line?

Help others is what makes us human.

Along with inner peace and light, we get tools to help ourselves in
the uncertain, unpredictable future. We bring nuances and ways to
decipher them. The needed nuances and associated ways. Providing
advice, for example, is beneficial to the recipient of the shared
experience and guidance, as evidenced by the findings of
this research paper.

The involvement, however, in the form of intervention, is a

hindrance not only to the other party but also to ourselves. It
proves as a burden for both parties involved.

The distinction between help and intervention may not be

immediately apparent; at times, it may seem simple to assist

Page 9 of 82
Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen

another person and we may not pay attention to the fact that we
are erasing the boundary between help and intervention.

Help is assisting the other person in finding the light at the end of a
dark and stormy facet; intervention, on the other hand, is finding the
light for the other person. While this type of co-dependency may help
us in the short term, it may not be enough in the long term.

When I started my writing journey, I felt so small and very frustrated

whenever I wasn’t writing. The journey had great twists and turns
(and it still has) but at this time, despite the bouts of loneliness and
self-doubt, I found a way to transform myself. My words served as a
compass for me, guiding me to myself when I was lost in the flux of
life.

That’s the same thing the author Austin Kleon notes in his book Steal
Like an Artist,

“It’s in the act of making things that we figure out

who we are.”

The point is not to highlight the benefits of a career in creative (or

passion-driven) pursuits. Rather, it is to emphasize that, as we
navigate our own paths, we learn through trial and error.

When we reach somewhere (that may or may not be the surefire

end), each step that we have had traveled inspires us to keep going;
we find tools to help and heal our present and future
selves. Intervention is an impedance in the way to growth, for that
matter.
 Defog Your Focus

Photo by Hannah Busing on Unsplash

The Way Out?

The question, then, is how do you draw a discernible line between
help and intervention in the tricky business of life? Specifically, how
to assist a person in finding their way instead of finding it for
himself?

In the book, The Courage to be Disliked, the author probes the depth
associated with interpersonal relationships. In it, along with other
gem lessons, I found a way to feed the line between help and
intervention.

Page 11 of 82
Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen

The idea motivates us to ask one simple question on this road i.e. we
should continually be asking ourselves whose task is this? This
conception, which comes from Adler's psychology (find out more
about this psychology here), is the first step towards easing the load
for ourselves and others. This is a step towards awareness and,

“The first element of change is awareness. You

can’t change something unless you know it exists.”
— T. Harv Eker

First, you know something needs to be changed, and then you find
how, and then you change it.

Let’s put it in an example.

One fellow, for example, seeks some sort of help with work from
another person. Now, the other person may be able to assist the first
person more easily due to their prior knowledge in the field. It will,
perhaps, save the time he just went some extra mile, but the point
that needs to be addressed is that through our methods of assisting
others, we contribute to the composition of other people's ideas,
ideas that shape that person's future in subtle (and not-so-apparent)
ways.

Separating the task, here, means identifying one’s responsibility in

that particular situation – to know who is accountable for what.

It means selecting a course of action, choosing

the responsibility that we have in our particular relationship with
that person — without intruding on other person’s matters.
 Defog Your Focus

The author Patrick King in Stand Up For Yourself, Set Boundaries, &
Stop Pleasing Others goes on to demonstrate more on this
Separation of Task exercise. He emphasizes that some matters are
within our control and we are accountable for them, while others
may not be within our control or accountability. So, our key here is
to know which is which. He then provides a practical solution.

“Whenever you are feeling distressed or confused,

ask, “What is my task here?” With work
colleagues, relationships, family members, or
friends, pause and quickly ask if a certain task,
idea, or thought is really your business. Is it your
responsibility? Is it in your scope of control?

If not, let it go without guilt.”

Separation of tasks is a gentle way to avoid pitfalls of help-

obsession. Because each of us has a unique life, what works for one
person may not work for another. Furthermore, we may not always
be available to lend a helping hand.

Even though research finds that people who prioritize pleasing

others are more likely to experience burnout (you may find out
more about it here), the problem is the flexible boundaries that
develop with people-pleasing phases of life.

Page 13 of 82
Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen

You cannot (easily) put a stopper on it.

The mixed conscience, feelings of obligation to (over) help, and the

entitlement towards the relationship/authority, to name a few
complexities along the way.

There’s a lot that the world teaches us each day. By sharing these
experiences with others, we create a home in the world that is
healing and inspiring, a home not only to the other person but also
to ourselves. There is, however, a subtle and complex obstacle to
overcome: the natural urge to help without considering whether that
help will lead to growth or drought in the long run.

The important thing, here, is we must find a way to help each other
in ways that are beneficial to ourselves and others while maintaining
a clear understanding of what we are doing.

The Message?
Handling interpersonal relationships is an intricate art, but by adding
flavors of deliberation and awareness to it, it would be easier to
share tangible help and growth.

“You never learn the most valuable lessons in life

until you go through your own journey.” — Roy T.
Bennett

Let’s not forget the above-mentioned quote while offering help.

 Defog Your Focus

Let’s not help others in a way that’s not really helpful over time.

Page 15 of 82
Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen

References:
 Koga, F. and Kishimi, I. (2019) The courage to be disliked.
Atlantic.
 Patrick King Stand Up For Yourself, Set Boundaries, & Stop
Pleasing Others
 Kleon, A. (2022) Steal like an artist: 10 things nobody told
you about being creative. New York: Workman Publishing
Company.
 Thewordsmithm (2023) People-pleasers are at a higher risk
of burnout, says Harvard-trained psychologist-how to spot
the signs, CNBC. Available at:
https://www.cnbc.com/2023/05/21/harvard-trained-
psychologist-people-pleasers-are-at-higher-risk-for-
burnout.html (Accessed: 21 August 2023).
 Eskreis-Winkler, L. et al. (2019) ‘A large-scale field
experiment shows giving advice improves academic
outcomes for the Advisor’, Proceedings of the National
Academy of Sciences, 116(30), pp. 14808–14810.
doi:10.1073/pnas.1908779116.
 Defog Your Focus

3 Biggest Complexities of Life

as an Introvert and The Cure

Photo by Keenan Constance from Pexels

“Knowing yourself is the beginning of all

wisdom.” — Aristotle

Introverts make up one-third of the world's population. And now

more than ever before, our world is recognizing us — and our quiet
mood but loud minds.

Susan Cain’s book ‘Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That

Can’t Stop Talking’, brought a revolution in the world of
introverts. The myths associated with introversion are slowly dying.

But not everyone gets it yet.

Page 17 of 82
Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen

Life as a confirmed introvert still isn’t easy as per my

experience. Introverts are the inhabitants of two worlds and it’s
incredibly important to make a balance between the two.

The moment our focus wavers, we find ourselves in the middle of

nowhere for a good while.

Here I’ll share the three biggest complexities of life as an introvert

and the solutions to them.

1. A fluctuating balance between

isolation and interaction
We, as introverts, construct a secluded space where we may refuel
before approaching social situations. We believe, the more time we
spend alone, the more energy we’d reflect to benefit others.

Being grounded for a week or two, in my opinion, would be the

nicest present we could give to ourselves as introverts, but this is
just the tip of the iceberg.

We need connection as much as the extroverts do.

During the early pandemic days, for example, I enjoyed my

introverted nature as much as I could. For me, solitude was a
wellspring of inner drive and energy. I was preparing for a similar
life. But soon, what had once been my refuge was nothing but chaos
 Defog Your Focus

and confusion. Enjoying my company erased the thin line between

being alone and loneliness. You just get bored of yourself.

There’s nothing new.

I realized that solitude has a limited reservoir of energy — and

sometimes we don't even notice we’re running low until we’re
exhausted – completely drained.

The research on introversion vs. extroversion is by no means

complete, but a couple of studies2 show that by acting extraverted,
introverts gain energy like extroverts. We, thus, need just as much
connection to the outside world as our extroverted friends.

Loud and stimulating environments drain our energy, but what we

tend to forget is the fact: we aren’t immune to loneliness as well.

Solitude is like a well that runs out of water; you can’t rely on
yourself to fill it when it starts to run dry.

If you start to feel drained, it could be a sign that you need more
company and conversation.

To fill the well again, we all need some more (meaningful)

interaction no matter what our nature is.

It’s, thus, safe to say that what Victoria Erickson says is pertinent to
us all,

“We are complicated creatures, and ultimately, the

balance comes from this understanding. Be water.
Flowing, flexible, and soft. Subtly powerful and
Page 19 of 82
Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen

open. Wild and serene. Able to accept all changes,

yet still led by the pull of steady tides. It is
enough.” — Victoria Erickson

In a nutshell, the key to enriching the solitude as well as balancing

the innate is recognizing when you need to engage (in other words,
when you’ve had enough of your own company).

2. A subtle distinction between

fear, shyness, and introversion
Introverts own a small, private world, where they can intrinsically
motivate themselves to do things they love. They aren’t influenced
by loud, dominating voices.

As Jenn Granneman said,

“Introverts live in two worlds: We visit the world of

people, but solitude and the inner world will
always be our home.” — Jenn Granneman

But what if this introversion chains your and my feet in the comfort
zone? What if we get so attached to the familiar that we want to
avoid calculated risks? What if this introversion tempts us to resist
(needed) changes?
 Defog Your Focus

The thing is: when we limit ourselves to less, one by one, we fall into
a familiar mindset, and it becomes a comfort zone.

It's habitual but restrictive.

Introversion, which helps us all to be more creative in life and work,

can make fear or shyness worse when we misinterpret our feelings
and emotions.

Self-exploration is always a tricky process. However, there are times

when we need rigorous self-reflection to determine our reasons.
The business becomes trickier.

In this fast-paced world, going at one’s pace is bravery, but it

comes with its own set of challenges.

A little deviation from the growth zone has catastrophic results —

for an introvert. Because there is such a blurred line between fear,
shyness, and introversion, we may not even know why we engage in
a behavior in that situation.

The solution?
Whatever you do as an introvert, challenge yourself to define your
why.3 When we know what motivates us, it’s easier to evaluate our
development.

First, nurture the boundaries between fear, shyness, and

introversion such that you know which one is which. And, then, in

Page 21 of 82
Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen

practice, know your reasons. It’s easy to plan and say but it’s not
easy to execute the plan initially.

Defogging focus is the way.

Photo by clement fusil on Unsplash

3. Concealing the true self in

small talk —a barrier on the
road to deep conversation
A study4 shows more and more people are now open to embracing
their introversion and accepting it publically after reading the book
on introversion by Susan Cain.

However, the fact that there is so much diversity among introverts

makes it difficult for others to comprehend them – properly.
 Defog Your Focus

My quietness, for example, was/is often misinterpreted as

unfriendliness shyness, or even meanness. It does not feel okay to
be misunderstood. But, as introverts, do we help others understand
the complexities of what we are as introverts are?

We crave sincere friendships, community, and interactions just as

much as our fellow extroverts.

The question is, how often do we actively seek it out?

Here is an introverted thing: Only a deep conversation pulls us out of

the cocoon of our thoughts. And the deeper the conversation, the
stronger the bond. But the sad truth is that deep conversations
don’t happen by themselves. Just because someone isn’t digging
deep doesn’t mean they can’t.

We don’t like small talk, so when we push ourselves to engage in

small talk, it makes us sound like we’re hiding something — which,
of course, isn’t helpful.

In his book, ‘Never Eat Alone, Keith Ferrazzi writes,

‘There’s one way to succeed in the art of small talk and it is to be

yourself.’

He says a few words break the ice and awkward silence only when
we speak from the heart.

Michaela Chung in her book5 also shared the biggest lesson she
learned from her coach that brought the biggest change in her
communication skills,

Page 23 of 82
Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen

“To find the right people you have to be the right

person. Because who you are being every moment
of every day will determine your ability to make
meaningful connections.” — Elizabeth Purvis

On the other hand, when put on the mask of shallow conversation

and sacrifice our secret desire to indulge in depth, we go against our
hearts. It only acts as a barrier between us (the introverts) and the
world because people can smell ‘little genuine reciprocation’ from a
mile away.

When we speak from the heart, we create a way in or a way

out. (Not too bad! Isn't it?)

Do not be afraid to choose your true introverted self in

conversations. It, of course, isn’t always easy but when we try to be
ourselves, it becomes easier to befriend the extroverted world and
honor our uniqueness.

So always remember,

"If you want to impact, you have to work with

people.” – Patrick Pichette

The Message?
1. As introverts, we derive energy from solitude and innermost
thoughts. However, the interactions we engage in with
others also provide us with energy. Otherwise, the solitude
 Defog Your Focus

becomes tortured loneliness. This equilibrium between

interaction and introversion is the foundation of enriched-
introverted living.

2. Owning a calm private world presents equal challenges. To

ground ourselves in the growth zone, there’s a continued
need for strict self-analysis.

3. Having meaningful interaction with our fellow beings is an

integral part of human existence. To honor the gifts of
introversion, choose to follow your heart every moment, in
every conversation.

Introversion is unique to each individual, however, life presents more

or less the same challenges to us all. In order to define the
boundaries between loneliness and isolation, to reach our full
potential, and live life authentically, we simply need to accept,
evaluate and express our true selves.

When we understand our authentic self, the world recognizes us,

as they say. As Carl Jung said,

“The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you

truly are.” –Carl Jung

Page 25 of 82
Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen

References:
1. Kendra Cherry, Mse. (2022) 8 signs you might be an
introvert, Verywell Mind. Available at:
https://www.verywellmind.com/signs-you-are-an-introvert-
2795427#:~:text=Introverts%20and%20extroverts%20are%2
0often,misconceptions%20about%20this%20personality%20t
ype. (Accessed: 21 August 2023).
2. Apa PsycNet American Psychological Association. Available
at: https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2002-08203-014 (Accessed:
21 August 2023).
3. Sinek, S. (2017) Find your why. New York, NY:
Portfolio/Penguin, an imprint of Penguin Random House,
LLC.
4. Grant, A. (2020) 5 myths about introverts and extroverts,
Quiet. Available at: https://www.quietrev.com/5-myths-
about-introverts-and-extroverts/ (Accessed: 21 August 2023).
5. Chung, M. Introvert Connection Guide 7 Steps To Attract
Your Ideal Friends

 Ferrazzi, K. and Raz, T. (2014) Never eat alone: And other

secrets to success, one relationship at a time. New York:
Crown Business.
 Cain, S. (2013) Quiet: The power of introverts in a world that
can’t stop talking. London: Penguin Books Ltd.
 ER;, S. (no date) Become comfortable with the uncomfortable,
Journal of the Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics. Available
 Defog Your Focus

at: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/36137729/ (Accessed: 21

August 2023).
 The-pros-and-cons-of-comfort-zones Walden University.
Available at:
https://www.waldenu.edu/programs/psychology/resource/the-
pros-and-cons-of-comfort-zones (Accessed: 21 August 2023).

Page 27 of 82
Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen

The Art of Cultivating

Authentic Growth in Life

Photo by Gary Meulemans on Unsplash

“We cannot change anything unless we accept it.”

— Carl Jung

Every morning, nature welcomes you with open arms. The trees
bath in the light, the breeze echoes, and the birds chirp soothing the
world from inside out. So, in all moods of nature, we glimpse the
lessons yet to discover.
 Defog Your Focus

There’s no such thing as figuring out all about life and our fellow
beings. As long as we’re alive, there’s always something to learn.

A worthwhile life is a life full of desire – for these lessons.

There are some things that just come naturally, like the lessons we
find out from people or the lessons we notice. And then there are
other things that come at us like our biggest mistakes and our
failures, and sometimes they're harder to take in.

The key to growth, however, is to be open to learning

alternatives. As Benjamin Barber said,

“I don’t divide the world into the weak and the

strong, or the successes and the failures, those
who make it or those who don’t. I divide the world
into learners and non-learners.”― Benjamin
Barber

The one relationship that defines all about

your life
There are a few basic rules that govern life, and they all revolve
around the same feelings.

Isn’t it odd we always show up in different scenarios?

Page 29 of 82
Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen

The answer? Life is creative in its way, and offers us with new
experiences that are different from the ones we have experienced
before.

We, for example, know too well how it feels to be misunderstood or

hurt, but each new experience brings its own unique, brand-new
feelings. And to effectively respond to them, we, too, need to tap
into our creative side. Both our personal and professional lives are
built on creativity, and that creativity comes from getting into the
nooks and crannies of our inner being.

When we connect with our inner compass to figure out why

(motivation), we decide what kind of life we want.

Mistakes, however, are a thorn in the side of humanity.

But we fall prey to them whenever we lose connection with our

inner being , and whenever we have an abstract why.

That’s probably why Roman philosopher Marcus Tullius Cicero says,

“No one can give you wiser advice than you can
give yourself: you will never make a slip if you
listen to your own heart.” — Marcus Tullius Cicero

Which, of course, is not a skill you can pick up in a day; it may take a
lifelong practice. That’s all there is. But once you get started, it gets
easier as time goes on.
 Defog Your Focus

The pursuit of high self-

confidence for a better life
Self-confidence is a beautiful thing, and without it, nobody ever
would be able to choose himself.

Unfortunately, 85 percent of people1 struggle with low self-esteem

and so the ones with the ability to pull themselves together (despite
the inner battles) make a difference.

And, probably that’s why our world is obsessed with self-confidence.

In his book Self-Efficacy: The Exercise of Control,2 psychologist Albert

Bandura explained that it is confidence, more than any other
quality, that helps people reach their goals.

Lack of self-confidence attracts complications like a magnet.

The quest for self-confidence, for that matter, is pertinent to success

but now research findings suggest that, at times, opposite is the
case.

This is because self-confidence, itself, is a slippery thing due to the

fact that life constantly changes direction. Studies show while we
rely on our self-confidence, we subconsciously put many important
subtleties on the backburner without even knowing it.

Page 31 of 82
Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen

When everything follows a process, it is natural to feel a sense of

security and assurance about our undertakings, but it comes at a
cost.

I'm pretty confident (mostly at familiarity), but not an extroverted

kind of confident. Whenever I tried to fake extroverted confidence to
blend in with the crowd, my performance wasn’t up to the mark. So,
for introverts pretending to have the other kind of confidence might
make us overlook what's really important in that situation. For we
are too preoccupied with something else (self-consciousness,
perhaps?).

Research finds that there’s a risk no matter what our core nature is
we may tend to misjudge our true potential when excessively filled
with self-confidence. For further information, read here3.

A little self-doubt, on the other hand, leads to increased focus and

motivation for the task at hand.

Similarly, in our interpersonal relationships, high self-confidence can

appear as a facade — that prevents us from seeking help from our
inner guidance and making the decisions and choices that we desire.

The thing is: we can succeed (in anything) without having high self-
confidence but one cannot succeed with wrong estimation of one’s
potential. Neither can we achieve much greater thing without inner
guidance.

In order to strengthen our connection with the people we care

about, and to decide what kind of life we want to lead, it comes
 Defog Your Focus

down to inner guidance and dedication which, of course, has nothing

to do with chasing self-confidence.

Here, by no means, I deemphasize the bounties and beauties of self-

confidence. As previously mentioned, it is the confidence that
enables us to present ourselves to the world. However, what I am
trying to say is that chasing self-confidence desperately may not
always be a good idea as per research findings.

Perhaps there is more helpful nuance to unearth.

So, self-confidence is not the totality. Follow through this article to

know.

To balance our self-confidence with inner guidance, it’s time

to stop (always) chasing it.

“Move into yourself. Move into your human

unsuccess. Perfection rapes the soul.” — Marion
Woodman

Page 33 of 82
Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen

Photo by David Clode on Unsplash

Chasing healthy self-criticism for

success
Self-criticism, in a healthy dose, welcomes self-improvement and
evaluation. It is almost impossible to envision progress without
healthy self-criticism. But, like self-confidence, it is a complicated
thing and depends on the scenario we are in.

For many of us, for example, when something unexpected occurs (as
a result of our actions), the first thing that springs to mind is not
what we can do to rectify the situation, but what we have already
done. These thoughts dwell in past.

You see?
 Defog Your Focus

Intrinsically, our brains are wired to promote self-criticism. In a

daunting situation, our mind loves to work in
the backward4 direction.

The event that just happened is a familiar zone for the mind as it
offers an opportunity to avoid lingering uncertainty in the future.

So when we rely on healthy self-criticism, which has more porous

boundaries than we realize, we put a restraint on our present and
future.

How so?

We permit our minds to continually ask, Look, what have you done!

Self-criticism creeps its toes out of the healthy boundaries, and this
leads to one of two outcomes. Either we desensitize (numb) our
pain and disappointment to focus on the present, which
only intensifies5 these emotions, or we attach vulnerability and
regret to our memories by veering into the loops of a mistake,
choice, or that situation.

And, that’s how our memories are formed.

In his book, The Past is a Foreign Country6, author David Lowenthal

noted,

“Memories are not ready-made reflections of the past, but

eclectic, selective reconstructions based on subsequent actions and
perceptions and on ever-changing codes by which we delineate,
symbolize, and classify the world around us.”

Page 35 of 82
Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen

So, the way we perceive an incident leaves a lasting impression on

our memory. It intertwines emotions within that recollection. When
we wallow in the same picture of a situation, we unconsciously allow
it to seep deeper into our consciousness.

Therefore, self-criticism isn't very effective (even with healthy

approach), is it?
The American Sociologist Charles Horton Cooley writes,

“One should never criticize his own work except in

a fresh and hopeful mood. The self-criticism of a
tired mind is suicide.” — Charles Horton Cooley

As the quote above tells us, self-criticism rarely does any good
because it's always done from the wrong point of view. We
approach it with a distressed mind. This approach, at times, only
intensifies emotional pain and vulnerability, which is the opposite of
what we want.

So, why shouldn’t we abandon a practice that is detrimental to one's

well-being and can possibly do more damage to productivity than
good?
 Defog Your Focus

Self-compassion — the only

secret to a better controlled life

Self-compassion, in essence, is the stable ground for growth.

However, much of the time, we learn it the hard way mainly because
of its rather misinterpreted7 definition.

Self-compassion may appear soft, but it isn’t about being kind and
gentle to yourself.

It’s about having the courage to stand up to your true self — and
make things right. It’s connected with self-acceptance.

To quote self-acceptance from the book The Courage to Be Disliked8,

“Accept what is irreplaceable. (…) And have the

courage to change what one can change. This is
self-acceptance.” Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga

And, any investment, that takes courage, isn't gentle.

The research findings of Dr. Kristine Neff, a pioneer in the study of

self-compassion, show that the vast majority of people in today’s
world are significantly kinder and more compassionate towards
others than themselves.

For women, it’s 86 percent, and for men, it’s 67 percent.

She noted,

Page 37 of 82
Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen

“I found in my research10 that the biggest reason people aren’t

more self-compassionate is that they are afraid they’ll become self-
indulgent. They believe self-criticism is what keeps them in line.
Most people have gotten it wrong because our culture says being
hard on yourself is the way to be.”

The reason for this might be an opaque and constantly changing

definition of self-compassion. Most of the time we perceive it as
being too gentle and soft on ourselves, but how a thing that takes
every ounce of courage is soft and kind?

How Self-Compassion is brave and helpful?

Showing compassion as a second-party observer is one thing, but
shaking off the belittling voices inside our head is quite another – it
takes the heart to face and experience difficult emotions — to learn
lessons and make amends.

When we confront feelings instead of desensitizing or empowering

them, we open our heart to changes, that we need to face the
challenges.

When we focus on what we can control, we approach self-

reflection and criticism in the right direction. And, a well-balanced
dose of confidence finds our way and lead us in the right direction.

So, when self-confidence and self-criticism fluctuates the stage, self-

compassion can save the day!

Now, a question arises.

 Defog Your Focus

Why do we need to practice self-

compassion right now?
Self-compassion especially offers unconditional solace and growth
when one is guilt-prone, when one is victimized or when life reveals
a blemish on one's quality of life. It helps to anchor the pieces of our
lives by providing fierce light and development.

However, the bitter reality is: when life throws us a curveball, it can
be difficult to practice self-compassion, particularly if it is not an
essential part of someone's inner world.

Self-compassion is not only a way through grief, but a way to

navigate life, for that matter. It does not necessitate feelings of guilt,
isolation, frustration, or detachment. All that is requires is the
willingness to open up yourself to your experience – kindly yet
firmly.

And, the universe in its subtle signs asks for it, too.

A survey11, for example, revealed average person will make 773,618

decisions over a lifetime — and will come to regret 143,262 of them.
Which, in other words, confirms that you and I make mistakes every
day. So, there is a plenty of time to practice this self-kindness every
day.

In this fast-paced world, we might tend to bottle up our emotions

and get rid of the mess in our heads to defog focus for the present,
but as Daniel Dennett said,

Page 39 of 82
Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen

“The chief trick to making good mistakes is not to

hide them — especially not from yourself.”
— Daniel Dennett

When we are (truly) aware of our mistakes, only then we embrace

self-improvement and growth; we take ownership of ourselves and
our situation to make amends whenever possible.

So, the Universe offers ample opportunities to practice self-

compassion and embrace growth in trivial mistakes you and I make
every day as the survey discussed above notes.

Unprejudiced self-compassion deepens the connection with our

inner being and we know the why of our actions.

And, you know all philosophies of life center around the definition of
our why.

The Message?
No matter how mundane or daunting a situation may appear, there
is always something that is within our control, something that can
alter the trajectory of the situation. This happens when you take
responsibility of the situation.

Self-compassion is all about facing our true selves and situations,

be steadfast yet considerate.
 Defog Your Focus

When we are comfortable in uncomfortable areas, we cultivate an

authentic growth mindset.

Right now it is the best time to practice self-compassion. So, it sinks

deeper. As John F. Kennedy said,

“Time to repair the roof is when the sun is shining.”

— John F. Kennedy

Page 41 of 82
Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen

References:
1. What are the signs of low self-esteem (no date) BetterHelp.
Available at: https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/self-
esteem/signs-of-low-self-esteem-and-what-to-do-about-
it/#:~:text=According%20to%20research%20from%20Dr,suff
er%20from%20low%20self%2Desteem.&text=It’s%20import
ant%20to%20remember%20that,self%2Dworth%2C%20it’s
%20okay. (Accessed: 21 August 2023).
2. Bandura, A. (2012) Self-efficacy: The exercise of Control.
New York: W.H. Freeman.
3. “Exploding the Self-Esteem Myth.” Scientific American,
www.scientificamerican.com/article/exploding-the-self-
esteem-2005-12/.
4. Why Your Brain Has a Negativity Bias and How to Fix
It (2019) blog.idonethis.com. Available at:
http://blog.idonethis.com/negativity-bias/.
5. University of Texas at Austin (2011) Psychologists find the
meaning of aggression: ‘Monty Python’ scene helps
research, ScienceDaily. Available at:
https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2011/03/11032310520
2.htm.
6. Lowenthal, D. (1985) The Past Is a Foreign Country.
Cambridge: Cambridge University Press.
7. Ezop, S. (2019) 5 Myths of Self-Compassion, Center for
Psychological Development. Available at:
https://muncietherapy.com/5-myths-of-self-compassion/.
 Defog Your Focus

8. Ichiro Kishimi and Koga Fumitake (2019) Courage to be

disliked : how to free yourself, change your life and achieve
real happiness. London: Allen & Unwin.
9. Neff, K. (2015) Self-Compassion, Self-Compassion. Available
at: https://self-compassion.org/.
10. WomensMedia (no date) How To Cultivate Self-Compassion
For Success, Forbes. Available at:
https://www.forbes.com/sites/womensmedia/2020/08/17/how-
to-cultivate-self-compassion-for-success/?sh=57ade83e2a78
(Accessed: 21 August 2023).
11. Decisions, Decisions: New Research Reveals We Regret A
Fifth of All Our Choices (no date) Her.ie. Available at:
https://www.her.ie/life/decisions-decisions-new-research-
reveals-we-regret-a-fifth-of-all-our-choices-23903.

Page 43 of 82
Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen

How is Your Relationship with

Yourself?

Image by Abeeral Abdullah from Pixabay

“Success is not how well people know you, success

is how well you know yourself!”- Muniba Mazari

We might be aware of what we do to others, and what they do to

us. But how much thoughts do we spare for what we are doing to
our own selves?
 Defog Your Focus

Similar to how we have responsibilities to others, we also have

obligations to ourselves.

We may be growing more experienced and mature each day, but

we're still struggling to improve our relationship with ourselves.

Most of the time, we think about others in a way to ignore the

relationship within ourselves. Those with better self-awareness form
a smaller group. We must remind ourselves: No religion or country
encourages you to prioritize only yourself. But we forget to tell
ourselves: no religion asks you to ignore yourself completely.

In my teenage years, I had a terrible relationship with myself. I cared

about others' opinions, cried over hurtful words, and constantly
worried about what people thought of me. I lacked confidence and
clarity in my own desires, always questioning how others would
perceive me before considering my own thoughts and feelings.

At some point, we are all in the same situation.

Later I found, living your life solely for others (and pursuing other-
oriented perfectionism1) deprives you of genuine friendships. But
unfortunately, we often lack the time to realize this.

Page 45 of 82
Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen

Image by Tim Goedhart on Unsplash

When I healed myself, a different life was waiting for me. Renewing
myself gave me the best friend I ever had. I found:

The story inside is more dramatic. Unearth it.

How is a weaker self-relationship considered negative?

I have found these ways in which a negative self-image can

detrimentally impact your life. Luckily, the solution is not too far
away.

1. You see without your own lens and what

matters to you is the last thing on your
mind.
People's thoughts are often influenced by others especially when
they aren’t listening inside. In such a case, a big part of your entire
 Defog Your Focus

life is influenced by society, leaving you with no true personal ideals

or motivations.

In the book Shadow Work for Beginners: Discovering & Healing

Your Unconscious Self2 by Relove Psychology many reasons
enveloping one’s low self-esteem have been noted. For example,
you view others as better than you and you feel out of control of
your life.

This explains well enough why we view the world through other
people’s lenses – and keep overlooking the nuances within and
without.

When your mind is clouded with thoughts and distractions (oriented

on world in an unhealthy way), it can be difficult to prioritize your
likes and dislikes.

2. There might be compassion-depravity

within yourself.
We, humans, have brighter and greyer sides. If we look, we can
recognize them.

However, when (unknowingly) one of the main aims of life is to

make others happy, you may need to pretend to improve at times.
In other words, there’s a fair chance of sabotaging the process of
growth that the universe has laid for you.

Page 47 of 82
Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen

On the other hand, when one lets himself feel the stumbles and
fumbles of the days when nothing seems to work, you really look
inside yourself.

The result?

You are more likely to understand and support the fellows going
through struggles in their ow journey. No matter how flawed their
ways and the journey appear. As Carl Jung said,

“Knowing your own darkness is the best method

for dealing with the darkness of other people.” –
Carl Jung

3. There might be a mystery in your world.

If we're always trying to conform to the crowd, we might sacrifice
the true self and personal narrative for the story whose author is
none other than our very own self.

In everyone’s inner world, there are layers and layers and details
within these layers so subtle, so complicated to fathom at first
glance. But every road to the outer world passes through that one
road.

A weak self-relationship hides those details.

The way?
 Defog Your Focus

The author Tina Louise Spalding in Love and a Map to the Unaltered
Soul3 brought forth a straightforward, compassionate way to unfold
that inner mystery,

“Go inside, and in a moment of peaceful self-appreciation, ask

yourselves what it is you would like to add that is not there. Listen to
that inner voice, and write your answer in your journal. Tomorrow
or, if you can, at this moment, do something to bring that thing into
your life.”

4. You miss the (real) joy.

Our world seems obsessed with happiness and positivity. Of course,
there is nothing more beautiful than the real joy. But the ‘real’ is the
real thing here.

Joy comes from inside. Real joy is in things you love to do. The things
that you actually love. But with a poor self-relationship, do you know
what you really love? And yet here we are all searching in the big
round world for happiness and positivity oblivious of its true
whereabouts.

Always remember,

“Truth be told, the search for happiness is the denial of happiness.

And, for as long as you deny the joy of our being, your ego, and your
personality will never be completely satisfied or pleased with the

Page 49 of 82
Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen

world.”- Robert Holden, Ph.D in Be Happy!: Release the Power of

Happiness in YOU4

5. Your (poor) connection with your inner

being might keep you from gratitude.
The life which truly holds significance is worthy of appreciation. But
focusing solely on meeting the demands of others leads to a lack of
self-awareness. And as we see here again and again that we do not
know what is ‘truly’ important.

Gratitude often goes unnoticed amidst the desire to be someone

else or to have lived a different life.

The solution?

Be a sympathetic listener to your inner voice.

Having struggled with my poor inner connectivity, I found through

meditation, research, and the experience of my mentor that all it
takes to heal is compassionate time spared for healing. Every other
thing comes much later. Seek help from within! It’s not the mantra
of self-help gurus, but a way out – only if we could put our faith in
the light behind the clouds. As,

“It is so important to take time for yourself and

find clarity. The most important relationship is the
one you have with yourself.”

Diane Von Furstenberg

 Defog Your Focus

References:
1. Institute, T.S. & R. (2015) 5 Styles of Perfectionism, The
Stress & Resilience Institute. Available at:
https://stressandresilience.com/5-styles-of-
perfectionism/#:~:text=Other%2Doriented%20perfectionism
%3A%20Other%2D (Accessed: 21 August 2023).
2. Relove Psychology (101AD) Shadow Work for Beginners:
Discovering & Healing Your Unconscious Self | A Journey to
Self-Discovery, Increasing Self-Esteem & Mastering Your
Emotions. Relove Psychology.
3. Tina Louise Spalding (2016) LOVE & A MAP TO THE
UNALTERED. Light Technology Publications.
4. Holden, R. (2010) Be happy : release the power of happiness
in you. Carlsbad, Calif.: Hay House.

Page 51 of 82
Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen

The Biggest Reason for Being

Afraid of Death

The image on Unsplash by Sharon Mccutcheon

“Dark Wizards are not eager to live. They fear

death. They do not reach up toward the sun’s light,
but flee the coming of night into infinitely darker
caverns of their own making, without moon or
stars.” - Eliezer Yudkowsky in Harry Potter and the
Methods of Rationality1 (A Harry Potter Series’s
Fanfiction)
 Defog Your Focus

The person who has suffered a near one’s death cannot find any
other thing more painful. And it might be difficult for someone who
has not experienced this kind of loss to comprehend the extent of
the grief it causes. Thinking about death, going on an unknown road,
and probably never being physically close with those we love, all of
it make us ill at ease.

One wonders,

Why we are afraid of death?

We are afraid of death. (Just see how uncommon discussion topic it
is!) But, the fear is certainly more pertinent to losing our beloveds to
death.

By and by, it is not the love of life that derives this fear (though we
believed so in our childhood). For example, some people might not
consider their lives worth living, yet they fear death.

Even though none of us would actually try to evade death, it is

undeniable that we perceive death as a haunted place at least at
some point.

None of the deceased have told us what they've gone through since
they died. It would be a new and strange road. Perhaps the new
strangeness is the stimulus behind this fear.

The author O.H Green writes in The Emotions: A Philosophical

Theory2

Page 53 of 82
Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen

“Fear of death is common enough, but we are, of course, certain that

we will die. Still, what we are certain about is that we will die
eventually; we are typically uncertain whether we will die next
month or next year. There is thus considerable scope for fear of
death with uncertainty. (…) Given our certainty, we can hardly fear
that we will die eventually.”

Is it the death or the regret that

scares us?
The fear of death also has its roots in regret, as the Australian
caregiver Bronnie Ware, noted in her book. She had been there for
the people who were battling to accept the reality and the people
carrying the load of emotional matters while transforming from life
to death.

In her book, The Top Five Regrets of the Dying3, she identified the
common theme knitted in the regrets of dying patients.

Surprisingly, none of the regrets had anything to do with the people

who had been cruel (to the patient), nor did it have any connection
to lost passions. Instead, they had everything to do with4 the
connectivity to the inner self and its simple demands.
 Defog Your Focus

5 Regrets of Dying people:

 I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the
life others expected of me.
 I wish I didn’t work so hard.
 I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
 I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
 I wish that I had let myself be happier.

The regret and fear are thus interlaced in the texture. So, it is might
not always be the fear or anticipated regret of death that disturbs
us, but rather the fear that when death does occur, we will have not
truly lived.

I, for example, while imagining death feel a strong pull towards the
people and aims that mean so much to me. I anticipate regret for not
leaving a part of myself in the aspects of life I loved.

You see?

It’s the fear of having missed out on the truest journey towards
ourselves that bothers us at the thoughts of death.

Page 55 of 82
Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen

Understanding and the way out:

Death has never been a stranger to humans; it is certain and
promised. Yet it pains to say good bye to the loved ones who have
been such a part of our lives.

Of course, it’s the death that inspires goodness in us and makes us

do something worthier for others and indeed for ourselves. And, it’s
death leading to human advancement.

We are mortal, which is why the human race has chosen to do

something.

To put in something in the world before we go!

We wouldn’t be where we are now if it weren’t the sword of death

hanging over our heads.

We could go on talking about how much value the sense of death

has added in life. Regardless, the reality of death hurts. It hurts
when we see our dreams fade away. It hurts to see people die. It
hurts when we don't feel their (physical) warmth anymore.

The pain is always there.

Like with any dark time, people turn to art and science to help them
cope. I, myself, have struggled with the fear of death, until I found
being understood in books about death, written with the ink of love
and kindness.
 Defog Your Focus

Experts on death and dying suggest that when a person has lived a
fulfilling life, they will not be afraid of death. When we cherish the
time we get, living and experiencing the beauty of life, death
becomes a part of the process.

The way Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, a pioneering figure in the near-death

research, addresses the intricacies is phenomenal. She, while
discussing the life lessons that she had gleaned from years of
experience with dying patients, notes that we, humans, can only
experience two emotions: love, which is the source of all positive
feelings, and fear, which is the cause of all negative feelings.

We, of course, identify each of the positive and negative emotion

uniquely, but the source is the same for each. She goes on to
explain that if we're scared, we can't be in love.

So, to cope with the fear of death, as she explains through plethora
of research, we must hold on to the love of our loved ones and of life
itself. For love chases fear out.

She writes5,

“It’s only when we truly know and understand that

we have a limited time on earth — and that we
have no way of knowing when our time is up, we
will then begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it
was the only one we had.” —  Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

Page 57 of 82
Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen

The thing, even now, is the same.

You won't get your life or the loved ones back. You’re bound to miss
what isn’t there. You'll miss what's gone, and there's an unwavering
hole left in your life.

But it can be helped in this sense: we can evade the chance of

creating vacuum in our life while we live and while the people we
love and meet live.

We can push away the regrets (which are common but often heavy).
And we can cherish what we have.

At the very least, we can give ourselves the satisfaction that we went
the right way (to understand, appreciate others and enrich our
connection with them) with love, responsibility, and deliberation.

So,

“It is not the physical end of life that we should be

concerned about. Rather, our aim should be to
experience life while we are alive.” Elizabeth
Kübler- Ross

The Message?
We are mortal. But, fragile, emotional as well. And that’s probably
why our lives are beautiful just the way they are. The memories we
 Defog Your Focus

carry in our bones and blood, the feelings we secure in our hearts,
the visuals we record in the eyes, and the chimes we hear vary with
each passing day.

However, there is always a sense of beauty, truth, and love that

permeates from within, leading us to a fuller and more meaningful
life.

Being aware of death contributes to the depth of life.

We choose to resonate with our inner selves and humanity’s

essence. The path will surely plant the seeds of love and light. And
humanity would feel your warmth.

So, life is not about the years it’s about what is there in those years.
And the sense of death feeds this depth.

As for how long one can live,

“Do you want to live to be really old, to enjoy a

grand, green, exuberant, boastful old age, and to
make yourself a nuisance to your whole
neighborhood with your reminiscences?”

-Stephen Leacock in How to Live to Be 2006

Page 59 of 82
Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen

References:
1. Eliezer Yudkowsky (2015) Harry Potter and the Methods of
Rationality.
2. Green, O.H. (1992) The emotions. Dordrecht; Boston:
Kluwer.
3. Bronnie Ware (2019) The top five regrets of the dying: a life
transformed by the dearly departing. Alexandria, Nsw: Hay
House Australia.
4. Warren, B. (2012) ‘The Top Five Regrets of the Dying: A Life
Transformed by the Dearly Departing by Bronnie
Ware’, Proceedings (Baylor University. Medical Center),
25(3), pp. 299–300. Available at:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3377309/#:~:
text=1)%20%E2%80%9CI%20wish%20I.
5. Kübler-RossE. and Kessler, D. (2014) Life lessons: two
experts on death & dying teach us about the mysteries of life
& living. New York: Scribner.
6. Leacock, S. and Nemo, A. (2020) 7 best short stories by
Stephen Leacock. Tacet Books.
 Defog Your Focus

First Step in Developing

Empathy

Photo by Instant Manner on Unsplash

Researcher Brené Brown says,

“We are hardwired to connect with others, it’s

what gives purpose and meaning to our lives, and
without it, there is suffering.”

And that puts it all there in order.

However, despite being connected with others in thousand ways,

the search for deepening connections is never-ending.

Page 61 of 82
Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen

We switch from one social platform to another, from one aspect of

social life to another in search of a stage of social life to hold on
forever. The result, however, is anything but a permanent stage.

For example, a recent1 survey tells how Instagram is the worst

network for mental health. If we were connected through the global,
boastful world of screens, how could it happen?

In the ebbs and flows of the sociality, we seek help. The help might
come from empathy. The individuality of empathy, in the long run,
gets you connected with all humans on equal levels.

Facts and Fibs on Empathy

When some naturally feel the same as some sad, melancholic soul
across the room; others might go through a unique set of emotions
and sentiments at that time. In other words, the other group is
experiencing what they are going through at the moment.

We all are, after all, unique in personalities.

It’s completely unnecessary to compare the qualities of one person

with the quirks of another. We all have our weak and strong points.
But researchers attest that empathy doesn't require shared
experiences or simultaneous feelings2. It can be developed3,
however.
 Defog Your Focus

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Developing Empathy:
Empathy, thus, is the need for meaning in all connections we have
through life no matter how we were programmed (in part by our
experiences).

Melinda McGarrah Sharp in Misunderstanding Stories: Toward a

Postcolonial Pastoral Theology4 writes,

“Empathy, as a deeper layer of recognition, is a

process of being moved by another human being
and also recognizing the imprint of other human
beings in one’s sense of self. It is embodied hope
that other human beings are understandable. (…)

Page 63 of 82
Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen

Empathy as connection flows from awareness and

respect for interpersonal differences.”

However, for developing empathetic nerves, the first step is: being
there ‘with’ the other person, ‘for’ the other person.

If someone is narrating a life story, for example, hundreds of

thoughts might flash into the listener's mind. Some to respond, some
to encourage probing questions, some to listen more actively, some
still processing a past event relevant to the discussion, some
processing a past event not relevant to the discussion, some
processing the recent happenings in one’s own life, some as the
judgments.

Then there’s another way: just to listen, shuttling down all inner
dialogue, and judgments and transmigrate into the person’s story,
trying to be a part of it and taste the air enveloping the situation and
be present.

The First Step?

Melinda McGarrah Sharp quotes4 Margaret Kornfeld in the book

“To be empathic, we must acknowledge that,

initially, we don’t know the other.”—Melinda
McGarrah Sharp

If we unconsciously assume we understand someone's story from

the start, we rob the communication of true compassion.
 Defog Your Focus

Developing empathy, of course, is not a plain journey in any way.

The author William R. Miller in Listening Well: The Art of Empathic
Understanding5 says, “In a way, accurate empathy is simple. It’s
just getting the right understanding of what another person is
thinking, feeling, experiencing, and meaning. (…) It seems simple
until you try it.”

However, like any other pursuits, all it takes practice and courage to
face the journey head-on.

One important aspect of this practice is starting with a deliberate

choice to be present there. Many research studies6 have found that
practicing mindfulness can boost empathy.

Mindfulness, as I’m sure you know, is the deliberate focus on the

present. This ‘deliberate’ focus might demand several practices
(depending on the type of person and the situation they find
themselves in), however, with intention it’s already halfway towards
achieving the goal. (For more on mindfulness read this7.)

Mindfulness can be a light in a world that often feels chaotic and

confusing.

However, depending on the scenario we show up in, it might be the

last thing on our minds. Luckily, (but not necessarily easy), all it takes
is focusing and defogging focus, and defogging it as many times as
we require in a particular situation.

Page 65 of 82
Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen

The Message?
So you let go of your judgments, stay present, control your body
language, and here you go … creating a brave, encouraging
environment for those around you.

The first step to developing empathy, therefore, is being actually

(mindfully and spiritually) there where your physical self is.

Above all, it is our courage to pursue change that is ultimately

rewarded.

As Jeff Goins has said,

“We don’t fake it till we make it. We believe it till

we become it.”

—Jeff Goins
 Defog Your Focus

References:
1. Royal Society for Public Health (2017) Instagram ranked
worst for young people’s mental health, Rsph.org.uk.
Available at: https://www.rsph.org.uk/about-
us/news/instagram-ranked-worst-for-young-people-s-mental-
health.html.
2. Miller, W.R. (2018) Listening well: the art of empathic
understanding. Eugene: Wipf & Stock.
3. Mcdonald, N. and Messinger, D. (2011) The Development of
Empathy: How, When, and Why. Available at:
https://www.overcominghateportal.org/uploads/5/4/1/5/54152
60/empathy_development.pdf.
4. Mcgarrah, M.A. (2013) Misunderstanding stories: toward a
postcolonial pastoral theology. Eugene, Oregon: Pickwick
Publications.
5. Miller, W.R. (2018) Listening well : the art of empathic
understanding. Eugene: Wipf & Stock.
6. Available at:
https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2020.0191
5/full.
7. National Center for Complementary and Integrative Health
(2022) Meditation and Mindfulness: What You Need To
Know, NCCIH. Available at:
https://www.nccih.nih.gov/health/meditation-and-
mindfulness-what-you-need-to-know.

Page 67 of 82
Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen

Talk About Things That Weigh

Your Heart and Mind

Image by Jennifer Menendez from Pixabay

“Every stress leaves an indelible scar, and the

organism pays for its survival after a stressful
situation by becoming a little older.”

-Hans Selye

At times, life may take a different path than what you had intended.
You want it to go right, it turns left. You wait waving Wrong Turn but
 Defog Your Focus

life keeps going left. Then you’re faced with either of these three
things.

1. Struggling with acceptance if there is no way back to your

preferred way.
2. If there is a way back, how to get back to it?
3. Dealing with an uncertain road as your forecasted life hasn’t
translated as reality.

Stress, much like an unwelcomed guest, might come anytime. But,

uncertainty and disappointment, welcome it with open arms.

Inverse relationships between optimism and depressed symptoms

have been discovered in recent research1 studies. But, of course, we
cannot be happy and positive all the time. In fact, too much
positivity has been found2 as intoxicating and derailing mental
health as well.

However, along with understanding the value of low feelings, we

must aid ourselves on our way out toward optimism and life. This,
then, is not toxic because we do not just overlook the details of our
experience. Here, we win over the experience by going through its
depth.

The key thing is: unaided stress can be harmful.

Page 69 of 82
Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen

Good stress and bad stress?

Let's be clear about when stress is healthy and when it is
detrimental.

Mild stress about approaching deadlines, low performance,

uncertainty is good. This, in many ways, defogs the concentration on
what’s in one’s control.

Long-term stress, especially over what’s not in one’s control, is bad.

So, the very same thing might facilitate getting more done and it
might weigh the heart and brain down, triggering anxiety, emotional
imbalance, and mental illness in some cases.

The border-line between these two aspects is the magnitude and

duration of this stress and the situation you are in.

Long-term solution for stressful

conditions:
Stress cannot be helped with more stress. And of course, stress
cannot help you in finding a way.

Now, to truly get over the stress, we must know the cause. Whether
it is the job or some personal problem or pending work. The first
step, here, is clarity.
 Defog Your Focus

You need to get a clearer mind. Depending upon what the problem
is, the solution varies. Figure out a way if your problem has a
solution that’s within your control (in any way). If, unfortunately,
you’re in a long-term dilemma, first work out on stress.

How?

Show light to stressful thoughts.

Exercise, meditation (as discussed in this piece), change of

environment are all helpful ways depending on the level of stress,
the circumstances you are in, and of course, the amount of
concentration you can put forth.

Sometimes, distracting oneself through a change of errands also

helps. But it’s possible as soon as you are no longer distracted by the
distraction, you are distracted by stress. Your
banished stressful thoughts come back to you.

To permanently evade this kind of stress, the researchers suggest

writing it down. (More on that here3.) However, at times expressive
writing might be difficult for there’s so much electricity running wild
in your head. Moreover, not having enough time and mindfulness at
that time can possible impede help through writing. Another way out
is discussion.

Page 71 of 82
Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen

First, see….

Keeping things to yourself when

stressed. How bad it is?

Image by Nikko Macaspac on Unsplash

If life is turning upside down and you’re stressed about what isn’t in
your control, and put up a good show that everything is okay within
you but deep down this stress wears you off.

While keeping things to yourself, you hoard a swarm of anxiety

within you. Even emotional and physical health deteriorates.
Perhaps starting with a lack of concentration and headache.

So, now you have three things to tackle:

1. Aggravating level of stress

2. Instability in physical and emotional health
3. And, of course, the problem that brewed stress
 Defog Your Focus

A question that might be worth answering, here, is: how can we

help stress with more stress? And with poor health? With avoiding
healthy exchange of views?

Need for dialogue when stress is

evoked (in any way) through a
person:
Being a social animal, at times, the thoughts oriented to other
people might trigger stress. The situation could be multifold. If
possible, one should find a way to the person concerned.

The author Suchi Gupta in her book Healthy Ways to Relieve Stress:
Smile With Yoga Poses, Acupressure and Stress Advice Tips!4
writes,

“Just talk to the person because of whom you are feeling stressed.
Talking will help releasing what’s going on in your mind. Maybe they
have a different viewpoint for whatever they did/said, listen to their
side of the story as well while sharing yours. Don’t get into blame
game though!”

Oftentimes, its miscommunication that stems misunderstanding. We

take the not-so-accurate impression of what other people mean to
say.

Page 73 of 82
Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen

Discussion, then, is the key to making ourselves plain and allowing

others to do the same.

At any rate, it channelizes the emotions.

(However, it is important to note that blame-gaming and

responsibility-shifted should be avoided.)

Exchange of views when the

person not directly involved
with your stress
“Sometimes you just need to talk about
something—not to get sympathy or help, but just
to kill its power by allowing the truth of things to
hit the air”

-Karen Salmansohn.

Image by Pezibear at Pixabay

 Defog Your Focus

Finding ‘right’ person to discuss.

A right person is someone who is willing to listen, and who extends
heartfelt compassion. They have a way with discussing even the
most complicated matters. Such person helps you to understand
how you were at fault in a particular situation, and how you can
make amends.

The one who is not just interested in giving advice and telling you
what to do, but is also there to support you as you make your own
decisions.

It’s just like having a pair of sincere eyes on your pending work.

(If you’ve read the section about empathy you can spot such an
understanding person when you see them.)

How does discussion help?

1. It evokes hope.

Regardless of whether one prefers humans or patient paper, one is

presented with hope and new possibilities through both.

Yet the underlying issue remains the same.

Page 75 of 82
Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen

It is difficult to predict how long the process will take to be

completed, or even if it will be completed at all (even with writing
and discussion).

But, mostly dialogue (with right people) as well as writing

expressively (in right way) tend to unearth the big or small which is
still in one’s control. When you hold it, you can make all the
difference. This evokes hope. And, life gleams through hope.

For when does one need more light than when the sky is dark?

2. It helps banishes negative thoughts.

“The greatest weapon against stress is our ability

to choose one thought over another.”—William
James

When you’re stressed, it’s helpful idea to let go of some of your

thoughts and think about the next ones. But not sharing your
thoughts is like keeping dangerous things to yourself.

When you’re not sharing them, you’re caught up in them. Your

perspective on them hardly changes.

You repeat the same picture (even though you do not want to).

Share them to put the thoughts in perspective and order. But, find
the right person(s) to share. (Such kindred souls maybe anywhere.)
 Defog Your Focus

3. It identifies fears and emotions.

Researchers5 believe the process of labeling of emotions as the first

step to deal with them. This process is tricky, and with the loops and
loops of inner dialogue, it gets trickier. But, as the views are
exchanged, sometimes latter unknowns become known.

The first thing always is the awareness, as they say. The second
step is the cause and then comes the practical step: the way
forward.

So, talking about what eats at your heart helps to recognize our
fears and discern feelings.

4. It uses positive affirmations.

When you express your thoughts, it is more likely that you will
receive a positive version of the experience. This sunny side sprouts
hope. The hope, in turn, breeds vows to take control of what can be
managed.

Researches6 have demonstrated that self-reflection and positive

affirmation can help combat the toxic effects of stress. It also helps
your problem-solving capability.

If you would like to learn more about the effectiveness of such

affirmations, please refer to this research6.

Page 77 of 82
Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen

The Message?
In any situation, it is important to recognize:

 the type of stress

 your control in a situation
 the action to channelize stress effectively

That will make a lot of things easier to take care of.

For,

“It's not stress that kills us, it is our reaction to it.”

Hans Selye
 Defog Your Focus

References:
1. Chang, E.C. and Sanna, L.J. (2001) ‘Optimism, pessimism,
and positive and negative affectivity in middle-aged adults: a
test of a cognitive-affective model of psychological
adjustment’, Psychology and Aging, 16(3), pp. 524–531.
Available at: https://doi.org/10.1037//0882-7974.16.3.524.
2. Toxic Positivity: How Being Too Positive Causes More
Harm (2021) MyCareersFuture. Available at:
https://content.mycareersfuture.gov.sg/toxic-positivity-being-
too-positive-causes-more-harm/ (Accessed: 21 August 2023).
3. Niles, A.N. et al. (2013) ‘Randomized controlled trial of
expressive writing for psychological and physical health: the
moderating role of emotional expressivity’, Anxiety, Stress, &
Coping, 27(1), pp. 1–17. Available at:
https://doi.org/10.1080/10615806.2013.802308.

4. Gupta, S. (no date) Healthy Ways to Relieve Stress: Smile

With Yoga Poses, Acupressure and Stress Advice
Tips! Lulu.com.

5. David, S. (2017) 3 ways to better understand your

emotions, Harvard Business Review. Available at:
https://hbr.org/2016/11/3-ways-to-better-understand-your-
emotions.

6. Creswell, J.D. et al. (2013) ‘Self-Affirmation Improves

Problem-Solving under Stress’, PLoS ONE. Edited by J.C.

Page 79 of 82
Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen

Perales, 8(5), p. e62593. Available at:

https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0062593.
 Defog Your Focus

About the author

Fiza Ameen is a dream driven research enthusiast who is
majoring in Physics. She writes because she loves to answer
the questions on universe and human-nature through
original and secondary research. In addition to writing
about Physics World, she pours out her thoughts and
(secondary) research findings in personal feature articles
and well-researched essays. Universe and human-nature
particularly interest her, fortunately, intertwined by her
love for physics and writing. She was awarded the top-
writer tag on medium.com as well National Essay Writing
Competition 2022 award from Higher Education
Commission. For the general audience, she writes a blog
called Life Waves Back.

Page 81 of 82
Defog Your Focus by Fiza Ameen

Acknowledgements
To my parents for showing me the worth of truly living.

To my brother for showing me the warmest love.

To the sister for deepest understanding.

To friends for their patience.

To mentors for believing in me.

And, to you for your courage to choose growth.

©Fiza Ameen