Mergedebookldrupdated09 Apr 2023

Ironico’s LDR Doesn’t Work Unless
© Clint Mark J. ‘Ironico’ Bañes

All Rights Reserved.
Capt. Clint Mark J. ‘Ironico’ Bañes, MMM 1

LDR Doesn’t Work Unless
A Sailor’s Perspective to Make It Work…
CLINT MARK J. BAÑES
Copyright © 2022 by
Clint Mark J. Bañes
All rights reserved, including

the right to reproduction in whole
or part in any form.
Cover design by
Clint Mark J. Bañes

LEGAL NOTICE
The author has strived to be as accurate and complete

as possible in the creation of this report
notwithstanding the fact that he does not warrant or
represent at any time that the contents within are
accurate due to the rapidly changing nature of the
Internet.
While all attempts have been made to verify

information provided in this publication, the author
assumes no responsibility for errors, omissions, or
contrary interpretation of the subject matter herein.
Any perceived slights of specific persons, peoples, or
organizations are unintentional.
Readers are cautioned to reply on their own judgment

about their individual circumstances to act accordingly .

BOOK REVIEW
"It’s all LDR once you go back onboard. The sea will
either make or break your relationships. If you want to
save 10 years of your life figuring out how to rise above
that, you have to read this book."
-John Christian Lacao, Seafarer-
“It is very important to internalize those profound “C’s

on the UNLESS YOU MAKE chapter. Those principles
must be applied, deciphered, comprehended, and
carefully considered wholeheartedly for a relationship
to reach the destination called “Everlasting Love”.
–Jessa May. A. Calumba, Licensed Mining Engineer-

"Indeed, this book serves as a guide for the couple to

really balance the platform of long-distance
relationship. Aside from that, this is very timely in my
case since my bf is a seafarer, too. Having this kind of
situation is really hard but after reading this, I have
realized so many things in order for an LDR to work.
Thank you for imparting this to me. Kudos Clint!"
-Emelyn P. Hubo , Licensed Professional Teacher-
"The meat of this book is focused on how the new

generation of seafarers express their love with their
partners. As well as how a seafarer’s girlfriend or wife
should handle long-distance relationship. I really
enjoyed it. The more pages I read, the more interesting
it was for me. This book could be very helpful not just
for LDR couples but for all the couples as well. Allie
Burke said, “it takes two to tango” and this book by Clint
teaches us how to dance the tango. "
-Andrhea Ledesma-

“This book captured my interest and captivated my

heart. I may consider this as a book that has the best
page turners that are worth the loss of sleep. From the
moment I started reading this, it feels like I never
wanted to put it down and just finish reading the whole
chapters in one sitting.
I can actually relate from the title of the book, “LDR

Doesn’t Work Unless…” since I've been in a long-
distance relationship for 6 years now. But as I
completed each chapter, I realized that I still have a lot
of things to learn and discover in this kind of
relationship.
I also agree that this book is not only for those in LDR
but also for those who are seeing themselves entering
long-distance relationship in the future. Truly, this book
will really serve as an eye-opener to all my co-women
who are, somewhat, still in doubt of their partner’s love.
This book taught me a lot of things from the choices I
made down to having a cheesy/corny partner.
Big thanks also to the author, Capt. Clint Mark J. Bañes,

for writing this book. It helped me understand all the
'Cs’ that need to be considered towards a successful
Long-Distance Relationship.

The author has done his job very well that he made me
completely invested in reading every chapter. It's like as
if the author himself is talking directly to me and giving
me sort of advices that will surely benefit my partner
and I in the long run. I'm so excited to have a physical
copy of the book!
-Mary Grace M. Buensuceso, LPT-
I still think this is the most comprehensive book on long

distance relationships out there. If you’re in a long
distance relationship, it’s well worth reading.
This cumulative wealth of experience really enriches the
book, and sharing so many stories from different
viewpoints provides multiple touch-points for other
LDR couples to identify with.
The book also goes into some detail on good
communication strategies topic which are absolutely
foundational to the success of a long distance
relationship.
It offers practical advice about introducing and
discussing all sorts of sensitive topics across distance.
If you’re in an LDR, it’s worth your time and your
money.
-Cathleen Escabarte, CPA-

“While randomly browsing the internet searching for

sea related books, the series of my clicks brought me to
the link of this book --- LDR Doesn’t Work Unless…
written by Capt. Clint Mark J. Bañes and I can say it is
one of the most significant serendipity of my life. It feels
like I was meant to meet this book in the right time for
my boy best friend is a soon to be seafarer and any time
soon, he will start his voyage embracing the sea.
This book flooded me with countless realizations and

insights about our mighty sailors all over the world and
my heart melted on how immense the difficulties
they’ve been through under their chosen profession
with given sacrifice they knew very well ---separated by
the sea and distance from their loved ones. For the
entire time reading the book, it brought me so much
happiness and hope for these people called upon by the
sea. That amidst their perilous expedition greatly
devoured by loneliness and longing away from home,
there is a way to still strengthen their relationships and
one of the best way is to read this book. Thank you
Capt. Bañes! For sharing and spreading your precious
words, wisdom, best pieces of advice and a
heartwarming novel-like love story inspiring not only
seafarers but anyone who will read it.”
-Genelin D. Ajera (BSED English Major Student)

TABLE of CONTENTS
BOOK REVIEWS
DEDICATION
FOREWORD
PREFACE
INTRODUCTION
CHAPTER 1 : UNLESS YOU MAKE
CHAPTER 2: UNLESS YOU STOP
CHAPTER 3: UNLESS YOU START
CHAPTER 4: UNLESS YOU BECOME
CHAPTER 5: LDR DOES WORK
EPILOGUE
THE PENCEcLint’s Story
AFTERWORD
ABOUT THE AUTHOR

DEDICATION
To my amazing wife, Pencel Chin,
The love of my life,

From whom I get my greatest inspiration to write.
I lovingly dedicate this book to you,
Can’t thank you enough for your unconditional love.
Without your support, nothing would have been

possible. With your support, there have been no limits.
To my beloved daughter, Celestchin Marris,
Daddy can’t promise he will be the ideal father, but he

will do the best of his ability to be the best father to
you.
And the best way to do it is to love your mother even

more as the years pass by.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
To my loving mother, Elenita:

Thank you for everything! You are the first person who
taught me what love and sacrifice truly meant.
To my late father, Eddie:

Thank you for molding me to become the person I am
today.
To Nanay Arceli and Tatay Pedro:

Thank you for taking care of Pencel every time I am
onboard. You give me the peace of mind that my wife is
always safe and sound when she’s at home with you.

FOREWORD
It has been my pleasure to

know Clint Mark “Ironico” Bañes
since 2000 in a friendship that
has gone from a simple
acquaintance to classmates in
elementary, high school, college
and even colleagues in the
company where we are currently employed. Since he
and his wife tied the knot together, I have watched him
grow in his relationship with the woman he married
where his heart is full of desire to survive a long-
distance relationship.
In this book, he shared his journey with you from
his early years to how he got to where he is today. He is
the best one to write this book because he always
wanted to prove that not all long-distance relationships
ended up in breakup of two lovers. Why go into breakup
if you can make it survive in the first place?

I wrote this foreword because I could see myself in

the author’s life. I and my partner had been in this kind
of relationship for three (3) years. It is difficult.
Sometimes, it’s like heavy seas in the midst of the
journey, but we have overcome everything that comes
our way. As the quotation says “No relationship is all
sunshine, but two people can share one umbrella and
survive the storm together”.
With a good stability and having a contingency plan,
you too, can survive in your long-distance relationship
and make it a happy ending love story.
Capt. Bryan Emmanuel R. Libunao, MM

PREFACE
t was a typical night. The waves and the winds

were friendly to us. Somewhere in the midst of the
Andaman Sea, while our ship’s en route to Kolkata,
India, I read my old prose poem entitled, ‘I’m sorry, I’m
just a seafarer’ - a piece I wrote six years ago for my
beloved ex-girlfriend, now, my wife, Pencel Chin. I
never thought this piece could touch tens of thousands
of hearts, but it did. I guess, it is always magical when
the words really came from the bottom of a sincere and
loving heart.
Going through every line of each stanza, there were
lines which I thought needed some revisions. I wanted
to add a couple of stanzas to perfectly represent my
emotions and sentiments during that special moment of
solitude. Six years of marriage allowed me to experience
first-hand, how hard a Long-Distance Relationship set
up could be. It made me realize words are not enough; I
should be able to live by what I say and write. That’s
why, I wrote a new piece so it may serve as a poem of
appreciation, as well as a sincere vow, to my loving wife.
Let me share it with you.

A Husband’s Sentiments
My love,
In my arms, you fell asleep last night,

Lovingly, I kissed your forehead goodnight.
How beautiful you were in my eyes,
As lovely as the rainbow in the skies.
Then… the sad reality started to bite,

A question suddenly popped into my mind.
How do I find the courage to say goodbye?
For I desire to stay by your side.
Those painful tears of yours struck like arrows,

Piercing through the bones, down to the marrows.
Looking through your eyes, I felt your sorrow,
Wishing for a few more days I could borrow.
I wanna be the reason of your smiles,

But what if I’m away a thousand miles?
Forgive me; I can’t always make you happy,
But I promise, I will be yours, faithfully.

Would my loyalty be good enough?

To wait for me until I come back?
Yes, I’ll be back, but again I’m gonna be leaving,
Please keep the faith, it’s worth fighting.
In God’s perfect time, our prayer has been granted,

Our faith to have a child has finally been rewarded.
Will do my best to be a great provider,
To be the best husband-the best father.
For now, I may not always be around,

I’ll strive harder for things to turn around.
Sooner than later, I’ll be home-for good,
Be with you every day-as we always should.

A word of warning: This book cannot solve all

your long-distance relationship problems. I believe no
book could ever do that. This book will serve as an eye-
opener to the multitude of seafarers who desire to enter
a serious relationship, as well as to those women who
are in doubt whether a seafarer’s love is worth the risk
or not. Some ideas discussed in this book are not solely
applicable to the so called “Long-Distance
Relationships”, but also useful to other normal couples
enjoying the land-to-land / short-distance relationships.
This book can also be a useful guide to those
seafarers and their partners who are just starting out to
set the sail of their relationships, as well as to those who
are beginning to drift away from their course towards
their desired destination called ‘everlasting love’.
As you begin the first chapter of this book, you will
notice that the first topic until the very last one starts
with letter ‘C’. I intentionally have it that way because
my first name is Clint and my future child will have a
beautiful name which will also start with that letter
(Just kidding…). My reason is simply for you to easily
remember the message I want you to receive.

I do not have all the answers about Long-Distance

Relationships, but this book could answer the most
common question, “Will it really work?” As you navigate
your individual ships of love, may you enjoy and cherish
every moment of the journey. I pray that you will
achieve the kind of love story you always dream about
and share the rest of your life with the person you love
and deserve.

Introduction
“Relationships are hard. Long-Distance
Relationships are much harder.”

Unique Specie
I
magine you just started seeing someone. He is good
-looking and responsible. He makes you laugh and
treats you like some kind of a princess. You get
along, have fun together, and things seem to be
going well. He seems like the man you want to spend the
rest of your life with. The only problem? He has a secret.
He is a unique type of merman, -3 quarters (3/4) man,
and a quarter (1/4) fish. He can live both on land and
under the sea. He has kept this secret so well that anyone
he meets would never doubt about his true identity.
Back in the kingdom under the ocean, their unique
type of specie is given the permission to date and marry
women on land, have children, and stay for good if they
choose to. The only compromise was that their livelihood
must remain at sea, under the sea, or anything near or
related to the sea. It’s one way the ocean government
could ensure and maintain its ‘economic stability’. For
these mermen, it’s also one way for them to charge
themselves with the needed energy to spend while they
stay on land. For the purpose of simplicity, let us name
this special specie of mermen as ‘sailors.’ Ok?

Back at sea, it is easier for sailors to collect pearls and

lost treasures as a livelihood. They need to be away for
about six to nine months to make sure they have enough
treasures to be exchanged for land money, so they can
stay with their families for three to six months. It sounds
like a sacrifice, but they earn well and could afford some
luxuries life on land could offer.
Now let’s get back to you. As you discover his secret,
will you still be open to the idea of accepting and loving
him? Of spending the rest of your life with him? Are you
willing to take the risk of having a long-distance
relationship with him? To raise your future children alone
most of the time? If you are, then this book can be of help
to you in one way or another.
The author is a merman himself, or shall I say, a
sailor himself. The challenges of the so called “Long-
Distance Relationships” inspired him to write this book
hoping somehow, he can provide some answers to your
questions. He firmly believes that you will find this book
helpful especially if you desire to keep your LDR afloat,
improve your communication, and appreciate the beauty
of LDR. He hopes and prays that you and your sailor can
have a fruitful voyage as you navigate your ships in the
ocean of love.

A Special Kind of LDR
I
f you believe keeping a relationship is hard, try to
keep a Long-Distance Relationship. If you think
keeping a long-distance relationship afloat is
much harder, try to enter a special kind of LDR—
that of a sailor’s; only by then you will realize there is no
tougher relationship than of the ones separated by the
oceans.
Womanizers, cocky, drunkards, rude; these are
some of the most common perceptions of the sailors in
the past. However, time really has changed. There is a
rising generation of new blooded sailors very far from
the old image that people used to know. Modern sailors
are now more disciplined, well-mannered, and
trustworthy.
Okay. Let’s talk about love. Well, falling in love is
always magical. Everyone naively believes that
relationship is destined to be forever, and exempted
from the odds of break-ups, heartbreaks, pains, and
disappointments. When you first get together,
everything is new and exciting. You overlook the little
annoying things your partner does.

However, when the magic recedes and the nagging

starts, instead of hearing, “You look handsome in that
shirt!”, you might begin to hear, “Why the hell are you
wearing that shirt?”
Dating and marriage are different than they were
thirty years ago. In today’s society, more than 50% of all
relationships fail for one reason or another. That is the
statistics of land-to-land relationships. How about in
long-distance relationships? Just thinking about that
makes commitment seems scary. It seems that when
relationships are faced with challenges, couples just quit
trying.
Every single day, at least one sailor’s love affair falls
into pieces. The reasons are too numerous to mention.
You can put the blame to either of the party. Each one
has his/her own valid reasons. I sometimes wonder
‘Does long-distance relationship really work?’ If it really
works, what should I need to do to keep it?
Along with my own personal experiences, I also
did some research: searched for some relationship
mentors, read a lot of books about relationships and
dating, and I have finally made a conclusion that: “Long
-Distance Relationships don’t work, UNLESS…”

CHAPTER 1
Unless You Make
Unless You Make a CHOICE
Unless You Make a CHANGE
Unless You Make a COMMITMENT
Unless You Make it CLEAR

Unless You Make a Choice
“You have the power to choose.”

The Choice to Enter an LDR
O
ne of the main reasons long-distance
relationships don’t work is that couples
don’t fully understand what they are. When
a couple gets into a long-distance
relationship, they expect it to be the same as any other
relationship. Oh c’mon! You must know by now that
you will have an ‘ABNORMAL’ kind of relationship.
Long-distance relationships are fundamentally
different from regular relationships where partners live
together in two ways: communication and physical
intimacy. Effective communication and understanding
is the key to a healthy relationship. Physical intimacy is
what makes a relationship romantic. In LDR, these
things are not always present.
Suppose you understand how the distance affects
your relationship. In that case, you will have a better
chance of knowing how to handle your long-distance
relationship. You will have a better perspective on how
to respond to the challenges that may come along the
way.

The Choice to be the Right Person First
S
uccess in any relationship or in our case, a long
-distance relationship is much more than a
matter of finding the right person; it is also a
matter of ‘choosing to be’ the right person first.
You must make the choice of becoming the person who
deserves the kind of partner you wish to have.
It’s kind of ironic people set high standards to what
kind of partner they want to have, yet, they don’t even
take the time to ponder if they truly deserve what they
want. You don’t always attract what you want; most of
the time, you attract what you are. In other words, if
you are a woman, the kind of men who will pursue you
mostly are those who think and believe they can satisfy
your kind and reach your standards.
If you are a man, the kind of women who will be
attracted to you are also those who share your behaviors
and your vision. So don’t be foolish to expect some fairy
tale movies to happen in your story. Be the kind of
person you wish to be your lifetime partner, if given the
chance.

The Choice to Understand the Differences
M
en and women are basically entirely
different species. If you have not read it,
you have probably heard of John Gray’s
popular book Men Are From Mars,
Women Are From Venus. The book focuses on
improving relationships between men and women, and
understanding the communication style and emotional
needs of each gender because yes, they are very
different.
People in any relationship, not just long-distance
relationships, often have strong expectations that their
partner will be just like they are: exhibit the same
attitudes, values, perceptions and behaviors. However,
we know that you cannot change your partner’s
attitudes and behaviors unless they themselves are
motivated to do so.
You are even less likely to change their basic gender
characteristics. So, it is very important to educate
yourself as to the basic gender differences which exist

between men and women, and accept the fact that the
differences are there, they are real, and they are not
going away.
In this way, you can learn to use the differences as a
way to enrich your relationship rather than to damage
it. Allow yourself to internalize that both of you are
different kinds of species.
As what I have emphasized in the introduction, your
partner is originally a merman. That is a different kind
of specie. Surely, there will be a ton of differences.
Never expect them to act and respond the way you do.
Back at sea, they have their own way of doing things.
On the subsequent chapters, I will discuss in detail
the major differences which I believe, if given the time
and sincerity to understand by heart, will surely help
you appreciate the beauty of LDR.

Your Power to Choose
Y
ou always have a choice. Even in the most
critical moments of your life, you have the
power to choose. As Viktor E. Frankl
perfectly quoted “Between stimulus and
response there is a space, and in that space lies your
greatest power—the freedom to choose your responses.”
You have the power to choose in life, whether to
accept your position or change it. If you choose to plug
along in life hoping that something will change for the
better, you will not get very far. Always remember that
when it comes to changing your circumstances, you can
– you have that power.
Each and every one of the choices you make in your
relationship creates a ‘course line’ leading to some
‘future destination’. Everyone wants to arrive at the
place called ‘Everlasting Love’, but only a few have
made it. It requires a ton of hard work, maturity,
sacrifice and compromise, and a lot of C’s.

These choices provide you opportunities to

determine the quality of your long-distance
relationship. What you choose defines what you are,
and what you are, attracts what you have; what you
have defines your destiny.
The choice to read this book is a start. I honestly
cannot give you all the answers and all the secrets to a
successful LDR, but this book can somehow solve some
of the most common problems. You have the power to
choose to believe and follow what the author suggests or
simply, not.
After reading this book, you have the choice to
change your perspective, your beliefs, and your
opinions. You have the choice to read more books about
relationships and marriage if you are curious and
determined to improve your current LDR.
Just remember, you always have the power to
choose and I hope you choose what your heart truly
desires and have the outcome you always pray for.

Unless You Make a Change
“For things to change for the better, you

must change.”

Change Your Perspective
W
hile it is true that you cannot change
another person, you must realize you
can always change yourself—for the
better, of course. If the relationship is
not working well, it does not mean you need to change
your partner right away. It does not work that way. It
will not solve the problem. Remember that sometimes,
you have to change your perspective.
If your LDR is experiencing some storms, perhaps
there are necessary deviations you must make. Even
ships which are in the path of the storm decide to
deviate from the original course to avoid it, so are you
and your partner. Normalize change or deviation but do
not try to change your partner. It is a different story.
It is maybe because your old beliefs about marriage
and relationships need to change; maybe the
philosophies you adhere to about relationship need to
change; maybe your routines need to change; maybe
your habits need to change. And as these things change,
so too your choices. And from better choices come
better results.

Trying Hard to Change Him?

(For Women)
T
he key to deciding whether your man is right
for you is to ask these questions: As he is
right now, can you fully trust him? Or do you
think that you could change him into a man
you could trust?
As soon as you find yourself thinking and believing
you can change him, you are already in trouble. Do not
commit in an LDR hoping he will change. It is fine to
desire change and growth in an LDR, but you must trust
him as he is right now, in order to provide a foundation
for growth in the relationship and a basis for the
practice of love.
If you do not trust him as he is now, you don’t really
have an intimate relationship. Choose a man you can
trust. Serve him in his growth so you can continue
trusting him. But if you are waiting for him to change
before you can fully trust him, you are locking yourself
into a no-win situation. Trust is the starting point of the
practice of intimacy, not something to hope for in the
future.

Change Yourself?
(For Women)
I
t is vital to understand what you can change and
what you cannot change about yourself. You need
to be flexible, but not enough to change you into
something you are not. Your personality is also
relatively fixed. It can change a little, but basically it is
what it is. Some may believe your personality is shaped
by the astrological position of the planets at the time of
your birth.
Others also believe your early childhood experiences
shape your personality. There are many ways of looking
at it, but the bottom line is that your personality is more
or less fixed. True growth does not involve changing
your personality. It involves learning to love, no matter
what your personality is.
Your mission is to learn to love completely. Your
personality characteristics are what they are. They may
change slightly and they may not. Whether they change
or not isn’t as important as learning to love. You do not
have to change yourself, but you can learn to be
present and open, and loving just as you are.

Embrace Change
Y
ou must put in mind that there is no such
relationship on the face of the planet that
goes for years and years without change.
People change as they mature and view life
differently, and so are you and your partner. Rather
than get upset with each other over change, embrace the
change.
You may not always like the changes that happen,
but do not abandon a perfectly good relationship just
because the winds start to become unfriendly in the
midst of your voyage. Be patient and encourage new
directions while being honest about concerns that might
arise. Change is the only thing permanent. Learn to
adapt to it.

Change Your Routine
U
nderstand that every once in a while, it is
important to throw an exciting curve into
your relationship. If you are in a routine for
example of offering your mate a quick peck
on the lips before you part ways for the day, try adding a
soft, gentle kiss on the neck. You can be assured that
throughout the day, that change in routine, is what will
be on your mate’s mind.
When was the last time you or your mate were
served breakfast in bed? Never? On a Saturday or
Sunday, when nothing special is planned, get up a little
early and fix his/her favorite breakfast. Include the
morning newspaper as an added bonus. Although he/
she may be shocked, you can be guaranteed that this
gesture of love will be appreciated.

Unless You Make a

Commitment
“The journey towards a successful LDR

begins with a serious commitment.”

Are you ready to commit?
C
ommitment! What a big word—a big word
with different definitions. For some, it means
seriousness towards relationship. For some, it
means honesty and integrity. For some
people, it means marriage.
Unless you commit yourself to have the relationship
ending up in marriage, I believe long-distance
relationship will not work. It will never work. What is
the point of working so hard to keep the relationship
when you do not see yourself settling down in the first
place? It’s just a waste of your precious time.
I need to be clear on this one before you proceed to
the subsequent chapters. The only real reason to engage
in a long-distance relationship is because you believe he
or she is 'the one’. You will spend the rest of your life
with this person. If you are just dating for fun, you
might as well do that with someone nearby and not
someone who is a thousand nautical miles away from
you most of the time.

Keeping Your Commitments

(For Sailors)
C
ommitment may also mean making sure that
your words correspond with your actions. In
order for a long-distance relationship to work,
you must make and keep your commitments,
even small ones. These small commitments will build
the foundation of trust in the long run. The more trust
your partner gives you, the more love and care you can
give her.
You may ask, why is it important to keep such
small commitments? It is simply because it enables you
to establish an inner integrity that gives you the
awareness of self-control and the courage and strength
to accept more of the responsibility for the long-
distance relationship.
By making and keeping these promises and
commitments to yourself and to your partner, little by
little, your honor becomes greater and you earn more
respect and trust from your partner. Remember, trust is
a major factor to make the LDR work.

Commitment to Stay Committed
R
omantic relationships, dating and marriage
are different than they were twenty years
ago. In today’s society, more than 50% of all
marriages fail for one reason or another.
Just thinking about that makes “commitment” seems
scary.
It seems that when relationships are faced with
challenges, people quit trying. Dating nowadays is more
like a marathon, trying to date as many people as
possible, instead of taking time to get to know someone
at a deeper level and appreciate the uniqueness of the
person. For married couples, separation or annulment
is not biased. Whether married for thirty years or eight
months, the outcome can be the same.
Things do not always go perfectly, fighting does
occur, and it takes a 100% commitment from both
parties to make it a success. Often when people break
off a relationship, they feel as though something is
missing. The “spark” has gone, leaving one or both
people feeling inadequate and unfulfilled. Don’t let it be
you. Commit to stay committed and work things out.

1
Tips to Stay Committed in an LDR
. Create a commitment statement

If you are wondering how to stay committed in
a relationship, and you don’t know where to
start, creating a commitment statement can
help you get started. A commitment statement outlines
the purpose and goals for the marriage. It may also
include rules and boundaries that strengthen the
marriage and make the couple feels secure.
2. Talk about your dreams and desires

How to stay committed in a relationship?
Talk about your dreams and aspirations regularly with
your spouse. This will help you to stay on the same page
with your partner.
These topics are future-oriented. When you talk
about your dreams and goals with your partner, they
know that you count on them in the foreseeable future.
This helps in boosting trust and dependability in a
relationship.

3. Practice open and honest communication

Since you are pondering on how to stay committed
in a relationship, it is essential to realize that
communication is the key to a stable and lasting
relationship.
When you practice healthy communication with
your partner, you build trust in your relationship. Take
note, trust is crucial for maintaining commitment in a
relationship.
4. Learn to compromise
How to stay committed in a relationship?
Sometimes, you need to take the first step towards
commitment if you expect your partner to do the same.
Compromise does not mean killing your freedom or
strangulating your individuality. Instead, it shows your
willingness to consider your relationship even above
yourself.
If both partners are willing to compromise when
needed, maintaining commitment in a relationship
would not seem to be an uphill battle.

5. Be best friends with your partner

Still wondering, how to stay committed in a
relationship? As per study, the people who share deep
friendship with their partners reported considerably
larger levels of happiness as compared to the spouses
who didn’t share such a bond.
So, try being best friends with your partner!
True friendship not only fosters commitment but also
helps in keeping the spark alive in the relationship.
6. Talk about how you met and the many reasons you
fell in love
Reflecting on reasons for committing to one another
in the first place can renew the desire to capture and
preserve the relationship. One of the best ways to follow
this advice is flipping through the pages of your
wedding album or watching the video of your wedding
ceremony or other special occasions by cuddling
together on the couch.

Unless You Make It Clear
“The clearer, the better.”

Clear Set of Boundaries and Expectations
T
here is nothing more satisfying to the heart
than a clear set of rules, boundaries and
expectations. As you take the helm of your
relationship towards your destination called
‘Everlasting Love’, it is important to make everything as
clear as possible.
One of the most important pieces of long-distance
relationship advice is to set boundaries. “First
and foremost, you and your partner need to set some
guidelines: what is acceptable, what isn't," says April
Davis, relationship expert and founder of LUMA Luxury
Matchmaking.
You do not need us to tell you that boundaries
related to fidelity are important, but it turns out that
personal boundaries play a huge role in relationships
from afar, as well. "Long-distance relationships fail
because of a lack of trust and invasion of space, even if
it's just a virtual space. “

Make It Clear
A
clear set of boundaries and expectations is
vital to limit disappointments and
frustrations. Make sure that the
expectations you have for your partner and
yourself are also realistic. There are going to be
differences in opinion and probably some
disagreements but when the boundaries and
expectations are clear, arguments, disappointments and
misunderstandings can be minimized.
For some, setting rules for a relationship is a bit
offensive, but when you are in a long-distance
relationship, these rules will serve as waypoints so you
can have a clear guide to follow. When the rules are
clear, you know what to do and not what to do. This set
of rules will also set your priorities clear so you can both
manage your time effectively.
However, like waypoints, there will be instances
wherein you need to deviate from them. In the end, it is
better to have a set of rules where to base your decisions
rather than to wander in the midst of the ocean of
uncertainties without any waypoint to follow.

A Clear Vision of the Future
A
clear vision of the future provides your long
-distance relationship the fuel you will need
to arrive at your destination. The more that
you both clearly see the vision of the future,
the more you are able to borrow from its inspiration.
This borrowed inspiration finds its way into your
conversations, your energy level, and your attitude
about the relationship. The more excited you become by
your future plans and dreams, the easier it is to develop
the necessary actions and disciplines to keep the
relationship alive.
Clarity of vision gives both of you the peace of mind
that you can arrive at your destination. As you decide
where you are headed, you can set the necessary
waypoints that you have to follow. If these waypoints
are set, you can easily evaluate whether things are
working and helping you arrive to this destination or
not.

CHAPTER 2
Unless You Stop
Unless You Stop CHEATING
Unless You Stop COMPLAINING
Unless You Stop COMPLACENCY
Unless You Stop CRITICIZING and

CONTROLLING
Unless You Stop CREATING Arguments

Unless You Stop Cheating
“Cheating is always a choice.”

Cheating Defined
N
eedless to say but this is pure common
sense. The only problem about common
sense is that nowadays, only a few have it,
making it not common anymore.
Cheating is the most destructive of all. Once your
partner finds out about it, it will stain all the happy
memories you had, it will cause your partner to lose his/
her trust in you. It will shatter the foundation you have
built in a snap.
When I say cheating, I mean infidelity. It involves a
third party. In other words, it’s a conscious and
deliberate decision to flirt or to have an affair with
another person because you choose to do so. It has
been described as the ultimate betrayal. The pain
generated can be overwhelming for the cheated-on
partner who might feel as if the world has turned upside
down. Some relationships cannot withstand the
devastating effects of cheating, but others are able to
survive. Rebuilding trust takes time and effort, but
some couples are able to weather the storm and report a
strengthening of their love and commitment towards
each other.

How Cheating Ruins Everything
I
t is important for both partners to acknowledge
the impact of infidelity on the person who was
cheated on. The sense of betrayal usually shakes
the foundation of that partner's self-esteem.
It often results in cheated-on partners doubting
their attractiveness and losing faith in general. They
may feel embarrassed and think they weren’t enough.
They may even question their attraction, their
intelligence and their personality which can bring them
into an even deeper depression that will take them a
long time to recover from it.
In the wake of an affair, more and more lies come
out and that makes trust very difficult. It then becomes
easy to feel doubtful toward your partner in other
aspects of life such as financing and parenting. Once
trust has been broken, they might begin to doubt
everyone and everything around them. Some
relationships may never heal because the emotional
trauma is too great to overcome.

One More Chance
N
ow, the most important question of all:
“What if you catch your partner cheating?
Will you give him/her another chance?” I
believe everybody deserves a second
chance. However, I suggest never considering giving a
third one. Like my beloved grandmother used to say:
“Once is enough, twice is too much, and thrice is a
poison which can kill a person.” I’m not really sure
where she took that quote, but I find it witty and
applicable in real life situations.
Learn to forgive. It means that you forgive and
put the past behind you and then move on with the
relationship. Yes, it won’t be easy, but you can do it.
Time will heal the wounds, gradually. It may take years
until the past becomes a part of the past. Learn to
endure the needed time to completely get over with the
damage it caused your partner. Even if the memories
are hurtful and damaging, you must learn from those
things and come out a better and stronger person.

Healing Takes Time and Patience
T
here are no quick fixes or Band-Aids when
trying to heal from cheating or betrayal.
While it is possible to rebuild the relationship
and make it better and stronger than it was,
you must understand it takes time and patience.
Psychologist Sheri Meyers suggests “the cheater
must not expect to rebuild trust quickly. The victimized
partner will require proof of the cheater's new
commitment to the relationship and this can only be
demonstrated over time. Expect some backsliding—
most relationships do not progress in a linear fashion.
The partner who was cheated on might suddenly
bring up the affair weeks or months after the cheater
felt it was completely left behind. It’s important for the
cheater to show empathy and remain supportive. If both
partners want to preserve the relationship, it can be
done.”

Apologies and Professional Help
I
t’s essential for the cheater to give assurances
that the affair is definitely over. It is impossible to
heal a relationship if your partner holds onto
doubts that the affair is still continuing. If the
cheater sincerely apologizes, seems genuinely
remorseful and willingly answers all questions about the
affair, the pain of betrayal can eventually heal.
Apologizing frequently, promising to never repeat the
betrayal, and waiting patiently for forgiveness can also
help.
If it is truly hard to move on and forgive your
partner but you still want to save the relationship; it is
advised you seek professional counseling. The
detrimental effects of lost trust and lowered self-esteem
may require professional assistance to successfully
overcome. Cheated-on partners are often haunted by
imagined pictures of the cheater with another person.
Professional counseling can help erase those upsetting
images so that even if the relationship cannot be saved,
the partner who was cheated on can benefit from
counseling that restores faith in the world and prepares
for future healthy relationships.

Unless You Stop

Complaining
“Most of the time, women complain to

initiate intimacy.”

Stop Complaining about her Complaints

(For Sailors)
W
omen complain about everything. That
is a fact! One moment, they will
complain about how tired they are, the
next minute, they complain about how
dirty the floor is. They complain life, about the
government and politics. They complain about your job,
your way of handling finances, or even about the
innocent weather.
This may sound like a joke, but let’s agree to make a
deal, as real men, let us give our partners the freedom
and the right to complain. Let us allow them to
experience the true freedom to complain about
everything they want to complain about, without the
urge to offer them solution.
Let us practice the art of listening without
interrupting them. You may be tempted to defend
yourself, especially when you think and feel they are
blaming you but try to stop yourself. Try to control
yourself as long as you can. This requires practice but it
is worth the try.

I also want to emphasize that most of the time, their

complaints are just their way to seek intimacy from you.
It’s also their way of venting out the stress they have.
Let them complain. Just listen. By the moment you
master and completely understand this principle, you
will be surprised to discover that arguments are
dramatically reduced.
No matter how successful you think you are, how
comfortable you think the life you are giving them, how
you think they should be thankful to you instead of
complaining about something mundane, believe me,
they are a different breed. You cannot change them, just
like they cannot change you from who you are unless
you decide yourself to change for the better.
Try to compare their complaining to your addiction
to fix things and solve problems. That is one thing that
gives your long-distance relationship the healthy
friction when handled properly and effectively. Again,
stop complaining about their complaints, and you will
surely have a better perspective to understand and love
your partners even more.

Her Complaints are Not what She Means

(For Sailors)
O
ur partner has the tendency to share
problems or complain about something, not
because she wants you to fix it right away,
but because she is seeking for your intimacy,
or your undivided attention, or she just wants to release
some stress.
Most of the time, when she shares about the
problem, it is because she is frustrated or stressed out.
As a man, your tendency is to become defensive,
thinking you have caused her to feel that way, until you
also get angry. As a result, she gets angry and frustrated,
too. Then, arguments arise. Remember that sometimes,
lending a pair of emphatic ears is enough.
What she is complaining about is rarely the thing
she is complaining about. It is a mistake to decipher the
content of what she is saying literally, and then respond
to her complaints, point by point. When she complains
about financial issues, she is usually feeling a lack in
your masculine capacity to direct your life with clarity,
purpose, integrity, and wisdom.

Money is only secondary. Even if you are poor but

totally conscious, humorous and loving, and willing to
give your fullest gift to the world and to her, she would
not complain about the lack of money.
When you say you will fix the toilet sink and then
weeks pass and you haven’t, her complaint is not really
about the unfixed sink. Surely, she would like it fixed,
but this is a superficial issue. The deeper issue is that
you didn’t do what you said you would. You gave her
your word, and you didn’t follow through. She can’t
trust what you say. And this hurts her, deeply.
She might seem to be overreacting to you. It’s only a
small matter to begin with but she can feel your lack of
integrity. Not having fixed it yet, seems like a small
thing to you but it shows you don’t follow through with
your word, with your purpose.
Your word is a demonstration of your purpose, of
your masculine core. When you don’t follow through
with what you say you are going to do, she feels that
your masculine core is weak. She feels let down. She
can’t trust your masculine direction. So as a piece of
advice, read between and beyond the lines. Don’t take
her complaints literally.

Unless You Stop Complacency
“Complacency drains the fuel of the

relation’ship’.

Complacency Defined
R
eminisce those days when you both first
started dating. Could you still remember the
effort he is willing to make just to have your
‘yes’? The amount of time he would be
happy to spend only for you? But as years pass by, the
longer the two of you have been together, the higher the
chance that the two of you have become complacent.
So what does complacency really mean? Mr.
Webster may give you synonyms like “contented” or
satisfied”. Being complacent in a relationship is
dangerous because it can lead to apathy and passivity.
It’s the biggest danger that lies in its demotivating
nature. No relationship can survive unless partners
have the drive to keep working and improving.
Metaphorically speaking, complacency is like a
small hole in the fuel tank of your relationship which
when ignored, may soon result to having not enough
reason to go on. Complacency drains your fuel up. It
ruins relationships.

As time passes by, you may feel comfortable with

each other. It’s normal. It’s not a bad thing as long as it
does not lead to complacency. Complacency can result
to your relationship reaching the point when everything
seems monotonous. Your routines as a couple have
become very predictable and boring, to the point that
both of you have nothing left to look forward to.
No relationship can endure if it stays just the same
as it was in the beginning. Why? Because life
circumstances and challenges differ, and the couple
needs to adjust and adapt to them. Yet, complacency
leads to the opposite – to settling and letting things as
they are.
Disinterest in a relationship leads to loss of desire to
communicate, lack of effort in conflict resolution, taking
passive roles in each other’s lives, and disregarding
personal improvements.
Complacency provides the satisfaction of being in
the comfort zone but disconnects us from our partner.
Therefore, we can say that being complacent in a
relationship does NOT contribute to satisfaction and
longevity of our long-distance relationships and must be
avoided.

Signs of Complacency
O
f course, every couple in a long-term LDR
will experience feelings of boredom or
monotony. However, there are certain signs
that may point to a larger issue, rather than
just a normal season of life.
You start to take your partner for granted. You both
assume you know everything about each other. You
know very well what makes each other happy or angry,
yet, you don’t seem to care anymore. The spark slowly
disappears.
The first visible sign of complacency is the lack of
concern for personal grooming. Being comfortable and
being complacent in a relationship have a fine line
between them that is easily crossed.
Therefore, if you notice you are lowering your
standards for your physical appearance while with your
partner, take notice. If you want him to see you as
attractive, you need to put some effort into it.

The following are the most common warning signs

you must take into consideration if you want to assess
the level of complacency you have in your LDR:
*Not feeling or showing curiosity about your partner's

life
*Disregarding your partner's opinion
*Criticizing your partner or being irritable without
much concern to how it makes him/her feel
*Not prioritizing physical intimacy or your sex life
*Giving up on trying to solve disagreements
*Ignoring bids for attention
*Being more excited to spend time with friends than
your partner
*Becoming or feeling imprisoned by or with your
partner, and abandoning your interests and hobbies
If any of these sound familiar, pay attention to signs;

you or your partner may be becoming complacent in
your relationship. It can be easy to write off small things
such as a busy day or tough week, but acknowledging
when one or both of you have gotten a little too
comfortable can help you get back on track.

How to Avoid Complacency
Y
ou may ask me what is needed to avoid
complacency? A friendly advice from yours
truly, as much you can, have a lot of things to
look forward to as a couple; may it be a
yearly vacation, a weekly dinner outside the house, a
random couple or family road trip, or an out-of-
nowhere surprise even without a special occasion. You
just have to work harder to break the routine and create
the spark you need make the ship’s engine running
again.
Having the desire to grow your relationship and
develop an even stronger bond is hugely important. Be
sure to continue to celebrate together for anniversaries,
birthdays, and promotions especially when you are on
vacation. Don't forget to celebrate even small victories,
like completing a training or seminar, promotion at
work or a successful transition from diapers to potty
training for your kid. These smaller day-to-day wins are
worth celebrating. Recognizing even the smallest
victories helps you remember that you are on the same
team; both are working toward a fulfilling life together.

Unless You Stop being

Controlling and Criticizing
“Men hate being told what to do.”

Stop Criticizing your Partner

(For women)
C
riticism is futile because it puts a person on
the defensive and usually makes him strive to
justify himself. Criticism is dangerous,
because it wounds a person’s precious pride,
hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment.
As much as possible, avoid criticizing your partner.
The fact is that criticism is destructive and can very
quickly tear a relationship apart. Just like the cliché, “If
you do not have something nice to say, then do not say
anything at all.”
Avoid comparing your partner to other people. It’s a
big No-No! It’s a mortal sin in a relationship. Every
relationship has difficulties, and sometimes, there can
be some intense arguments but never reach the point
where you need to compare your partner to someone
especially to someone he or she knows. It makes him
feel he is not good enough. It damages his self-esteem.
Once the self-esteem is damaged, self-doubt comes in.
Confidence vanishes. And I believe, you do not want to
see your partner change for the worse.

Stop Chipping in Unsolicited Advice

(For women)
W
omen need to understand that you are
nurturing him when you abstain from
offering unsolicited advice to solve his
problems. He needs your loving support
but in a different way than you think. To withhold
correcting your man or trying to improve him are ways
to nurture him.
Giving advice can be nurturing only if he directly
asks for it. He doesn’t like unsolicited advice or
empathy. He needs to prove himself. Being able to
accomplish things without the help of others is a feather
in his cap. Learning to support him in this way can be
very difficult in the beginning. You may feel that the
only way you can get what you need in a relationship is
to criticize a man when he makes mistakes and to offer
unsolicited advice.
In addition, if he behaves in a manner that you do
not like, you can simply and directly tell him that you
don’t’ like his behavior, without casting judgment that
he is wrong or bad. Be brief and direct without criticism.

Don’t Control Your Partner

(For women)
T
his is very true and women must listen to this
one very carefully. Onboard the ship,
seafarers are already weary of daily job orders
from their superiors and don’t want to take
orders anymore, even from you. Nobody wants to be
controlled, so don’t try to sound demanding or
commanding.
I once read a book entitled “Men are from Mars and
Women are from Venus” and it says the most frequently
expressed complaint by men about women is that the
latter always want to control and change them. I
couldn’t agree more. The theory behind this woman
instinct is this: “When a woman loves a man, she feels
responsible to assist him in growing and tries to help
him improve the way he does things.”
So no matter how much he resists your help, you
still persist, waiting for the opportunity to help him or
tell him what to do. You think you are nurturing your
partner but he feels he is being controlled. This is where
the friction comes in.

Why Seafarers Hate Being Controlled

(For women)
S
eafarers are men of pride. Just like normal
men, they value power, efficiency, competency,
and achievement. Their sense of self is defined
by their ability to achieve results. Achieving
goals alone is very important to them. Asking for help
when they can do it themselves is a sign of weakness.
Autonomy or self-reliance is a symbol of power and
competence for them.
Why he resists being corrected or being controlled
so much? Just like ordinary man, to offer him
unsolicited advice is to presume he doesn’t know what
to do and he can’t do it on his own. He is very sensitive
about this because the issue of competence is very
important to him.
A golden piece of advice to women: you need to
remember that unsolicited advice especially when your
partner has just made a mistake makes him feel unloved
and controlled. He must feel your acceptance before he
can learn from his mistakes. The next time you feel the
urge to control him, try to bite your tongue and instead,
be supportive to him.

11 Statements which Make Women

Sound Controlling
1
(For women)
. Your hair is getting kind of long, isn't it? When will

you go to the barbershop?
2. How can you think of buying that? You already
have one at home.
3. There’s a parking space over there, hurry, turn the car
around before someone gets it first.
4. You want to spend time with your friends, what about me?
5. You should spend more time with the kids. They miss you.
You have been away for so long.
6. You forgot to bring it home again. I already gave you the
list.
7. You're driving too fast. Slow down or we’ll get into an
accident.
8. I didn't know where you were. You should have called.
9. Don't eat with your fingers. You're setting a bad example.
10. Your shirt doesn't match your pants. Change it.
11. Your toolbox is such a mess. I can't find anything. You
should organize it.
Guilty? If yes, try as much as you can to avoid saying

these statements. It takes practice but it’s worth it.

Unless You Stop Creating

Arguments
It takes two to start an argument, and

needs one to stop it.”

Anatomy of the Most Common Argument

(For Sailors)
G
uilty or not, just keep it to yourself until you
finish reading below. Let us see if you can
relate to the following scenario:
1. She expresses her upset feelings about something.

2. You try to explain why she shouldn't be upset about it.
3. She feels invalidated and become more upset.
(She is now more upset about being invalidated than
about the original thing she is upset about.)
4. You feel her disapproval so you also become upset. You
blame her for upsetting you and expect an
apology from her before making up.
5. She apologizes and wonders what happened, or:
6. She becomes more upset and the argument escalates
into World War 3.

With a clearer awareness of the anatomy of an

argument, you will be able to solve this problem in a fairer
way. Remembering that you are a different breed, you are
once a merman and you are different from her, try to
practice not blaming her for being upset. Instead, seek to
understand how you had upset her and show her that you
cared.
Even if she misunderstood you, if she felt hurt by you,
you needed to let her know that you cared
and you were sorry. When she would become upset, you
must learn to listen first, then genuinely try to
understand what she was upset about, and then say: "I'm
sorry that I upset you when I said…”. The result
will surely be immediate. You will argue much less.
Most arguments escalate when you begin to invalidate
her feelings and she responds to you disapprovingly.
Being a man, you have to learn to practice validating.
For your partner’s part, she should practice
expressing her feelings more directly without
disapproving you. The result is sure to be fewer fights and
more love and trust. To avoid painful arguments, it is
important to recognize how you unknowingly invalidate
her feelings and how she unknowingly sends a message of
disapproval to you.

How Women Unknowingly Start Arguments

(For Women)
I
apologize in advance if you get offended by this but
you unknowingly start arguments by not being
direct when you share your feelings.
Instead of directly expressing your dislike or
disappointment, you prefer to ask rhetorical questions
and unknowingly or intentionally communicate a
message of disapproval. It gives your man the unloving
message of mistrust and can hurt his ego.
Even though sometimes this is not the message you
want to convey, it is generally what a man will hear. For
example, when a man comes home late from a game of
basketball, a woman may feel "I don't like waiting for you
when you are late" or "I was worried that something had
happened to you. You should have called me so I won’t
worry this much."

But when he arrives, instead of directly sharing your

feelings your tendency is to ask a rhetorical question like
"How could you be so late?" “Did you even think of me?”
or "What am I supposed to think when you're so late?" or
"Why didn't you call?" Certainly asking someone "Why
didn't you call?" is OK if you are sincerely looking for
valid reasons.
But when a woman is upset , obviously you are upset,
the tone of your voice often reveals that you are not
looking for a valid answer but is making the point that
there is no acceptable reason for him being late.
When a man hears a question like "How could you be
so late?" or “Did you even think of me?” or "Why didn't
you call?" he does not hear your feelings of worry and
concern but instead hears your disapproval. He feels your
intrusive desire to help him be more responsible. He feels
attacked and becomes defensive. You have no idea how
painful your disapproval is to him.
And this is how you unknowingly start an argument.
Communication is really the key and in the subsequent
chapters we will go into full details how to decipher
carefully hidden messages from both of you.

How Men Unknowingly Start Arguments
I
(For Sailors)
’ll be fair so I must clarify it’s not always the woman
who is the culprit of every argument. I won’t be
biased so I need to emphasize men also
unknowingly start arguments.
The most common way you start arguments is by
invalidating your woman's feelings or point of view. You
don't realize how much you have invalidated her feelings.
As I’ve said earlier about giving them the freedom and
right to complain, you must avoid interrupting her and
invalidating her feelings.
For example, you may make light of her negative
feelings when she shares about it. You might say
statements like "Ah, don't worry about it." or “It’s such a
small thing to worry about.” To a friend or another man,
perhaps this phrase would seem friendly. But to your
female intimate partner, it is insensitive and hurts her so
much.
A common example is when you have done something
to upset your partner. Your instinct is to make her feel
better by explaining why she shouldn't be upset. Do you

agree? You confidently explain that you have a rational

reason for what you did. You may explain in detail how
perfectly good and logical your reasons are.
You have no idea this attitude makes her feel as
though she has no right to be upset. When you explain
yourself, the only message she hears is that you don’t
care about her feelings. For her to hear your good
reasons, she first needs you to hear her good reasons for
being upset.
You need to put your logical reasoning and well
versed explanations on hold and listen with
understanding. When you simply start to care about her
feelings, she will start to feel supported. This change in
approach takes practice but can be achieved.
Generally, when a woman shares feelings of worry,
every cell in your body instinctively reacts with a list of
explanations and justifications designed to explain away
her upset feelings. I know you never intend to make
matters worse but your tendency to explain away feelings
is just a man’s instinct. However, you can make this shift.
Through a growing awareness and your experiences of
what works with your partner, you can make this change.
Good luck!

Arguments are Normal
R
elationship arguments, especially long-
distance relation arguments are normal, but
arguing is not necessarily communicating.
There is a difference between an argument
and a productive conversation. Only when you are able to
have productive conversations, will you actually resolve
your relationship issues.
Arguments are common in all kinds of relationships,
including LDRs. Some degree of conflict can even be
healthy, as it means both people are expressing
themselves, rather than keeping everything inside and
letting emotions fester. But if you are arguing all the time,
or simple disagreements end up in a hostile silence or
screaming match, it becomes unhealthy. It can really start
to take a toll on things—or even leave you wondering
whether you’re all that compatible in the first place.
Learning ways to handle disagreements constructively
is crucial in any relationship. We always say, conflict is
inevitable. It’s how you deal with it that counts.

The Unhealthy Arguments
W
e all know LDR couples who fight over
video calls and voice calls, or when
seafarers are on vacation, during dinner,
bringing up old incidents or accusing
their partner of anything they can think of. Some of us
know other couples who yell over each other until they’re
loud enough to wake the neighbors – but what if you’re
one of these couples?
You may say all couples fight. It's completely natural,
and comes with the territory of being in a relationship.
But when you find yourself fighting more than usual, it’s
natural to wonder, “How much fighting and arguing is too
much?” and "Are we totally screwed?"
If you find yourself constantly bickering about the
same topics or having loud fights and saying things you
don’t mean, you may be stuck in harmful patterns of
communication. You need to learn how to avoid
unhealthy arguments in a relationship and turn them into
productive conversations instead.

10 Tips for a Healthy Argument
1 . Find out why you're arguing.

2. Pause… Rephrase your thoughts before you
blurt out something hurtful.
3. Avoid character assaults.
4. Listen more and talk less.
5. Change what you say—and how you say it. Watch your
tone.
6. Put yourself in your partner's shoes.
7. Never threaten to leave your partner.
8. Never resort to physical or emotional abuse.
9. Don’t relive the past mistakes anymore.
10. Stop competing to be heard.

CHAPTER 3
Unless You Start
Unless You Start COMMUNICATING
Unless You Start COMPROMISING
Unless You Start COMPLIMENTING

Unless You Start

Communicating
“Communicate effectively.”

Poor Communication
P
oor communication can lead to confusions
and misunderstandings. Misunderstandings
can turn into unnecessary fights and
arguments and may very well ruin your
relationship. The difficulty with communication in a
long-distance relationship is the fact that you cannot see
your partner personally most of the time. When you talk
to someone in front of you, you can observe his/her
body language and pick up on subtle behavioral
changes.
Noticing these changes can help you understand
what your partner is feeling and will allow you to
navigate your conversation into a better way. In an
LDR, you can only communicate through speaking and
writing.
Suppose you can’t express yourself clearly and
comfortably with words. In that case, you won’t have
any other way of sharing your thoughts and feelings to
your partner. One thing is to keep phone calls and text
messages to more casual topics. If you have something
more significant to discuss, it’s best to do it through
video calls.

Effective Communication
C
onstant communication is difficult to
establish firmly in a long-distance
relationship like that of the seafarers’. You are
blessed if the ship is equipped with Wi-Fi
because the challenge will only be the adjustment to the
different time zones.
When you are given the opportunity to
communicate, make an agreement that you will talk
about anything and everything and that you will listen,
really listen. It does not mean that you will agree with
everything, which is perfectly fine. However, if you do
not agree, do not yell, rather, the two of you need to
calmly discuss the issue and together, work out a
solution.
When couples in normal land-to-land relationships
are having problems, communication is the first thing to
stop. The matter becomes worse when you are in an
LDR because you can’t see your partner personally. You
can’t touch them. You can’t hug them. You are helpless.

While it is often easier to just be quiet than to get

mad, sometimes, it doesn’t work effectively when you’re
a thousand nautical miles apart. When rebuilding
relationships, just as communication was the first to
stop, it now needs someone to be the first to start. I
suggest it should be you.
This will require you to let down your guard,
swallow your pride and communicate. Healing in the
relationship cannot start until you talk and listen.
Since you won't be seeing each other, it's important
to establish and maintain an emotional connection. Tell
each other about your little triumphs and tragedies. Ask
for pieces of advice. Utilize the technology. We have
Facebook Messenger, Viber, WhatsApp, and a lot more.
Real-time chat, or web cam for that visual connection is
very useful.
E-mail can also be useful so make sure you use it,
especially if long-distance phone calls put a strain on
your budget. Ensure the e-mails are substantive and
detailed, it will show that you care enough to put in the
time and effort. You may also write love letters. Never
take communication for granted!

Start Decoding Her Complaints
U
(For Sailors)
nclear and unloving communication is the
biggest problem in any relationship especially
in LDRs. The number one complaint women
have in relationships is: "I don't feel heard."
Your literal translation of "I don't feel heard" leads you to
invalidate and argue with her feelings. You think you have
heard her if you can repeat what she has said, but you are
mistaken. Let me help you.
Taken from John Gray’s book, “Men are from Mars,
and Women are from Venus”, each of the ten most
common complaints of women is listed on the scrolls in
the following pages with the correct translation so that
you can understand its real and intended meaning. Each
translation also contains a hint of how she wants you to
respond. When your partner is upset, she not only uses
generalities, and so forth, but she is also asking for a
particular kind of support. She doesn't directly ask for
that support because she naively believes everyone knew
that dramatic language implied a particular request. If
you are listening to your woman, you can recognize the
implied request and respond accordingly; she will feel
truly heard and loved.

Hidden Message on the Scrolls # 1
What she said:

"We never go out."
(“Di na tayo gumagala.”)
How you heard/interpreted it:

"You are not doing your job. What a
disappointment you have turned out to be. We
never do anything together anymore because
you are lazy, unromantic, and just boring."
What she really meant:

"I feel like going out and doing something
together. We always have such a fun time, and I
love being with you. What do you think? Would
you take me out to dinner? It has been a few
days since we went out."

What she said:

"I am so tired, I can't do anything."
(“Pagod na’ko.”)

"I do everything and you do nothing. You should
do more. I can't do it all. I feel so hopeless. I
want a 'real man' to live with. Picking you was a
big mistake."

"I have been doing so much today. I really need a
rest before I can do anything more. I am so lucky
to have your support. Would you give me a hug
and reassure me that I am doing a good job and
that I deserve a rest?"

What she said:

"This house is always a mess."
(“Palagi na lang magulo ang bahay.”)

"This house is a mess because of you. I do
everything possible to clean it up, and before I
have finished, you have messed it up again. You
are a lazy slob and I don't want to live with you
unless you change. Clean up or clear out!”

"Today I feel like relaxing, but the house is so
messy. I am frustrated and I need a rest. I hope
you don't expect me to clean it all up. Would you
agree with me that it is a mess and then offer to
help clean up part of it?"

What she said:

"Nothing is working."
(“Walang kwenta ang ginagawa ko.”)

"You never do anything right. I can't trust you. If
I hadn't listened to you I wouldn't be in this
mess. Another man would have fixed things, but
you made them worse."

"Today I am so overwhelmed and I am so
grateful that I can share my feelings with you. It
helps me so much to feel better. Today it seems
like nothing I do works. I know that this is not
true, but I sure feel that way when I get so
overwhelmed by all the things I still have to do.
Would you give me a hug and tell me that I am
doing a great job. It would sure feel good."

What she said:

"You don't love me anymore."
(“Hindi mo na ako mahal.”)

"I have given you the best years of my life, and you
have given me nothing. You used me. You are
selfish and cold. You do what you want to do, for
you and only you. You do not care about anybody. I
was a fool for loving you. Now I have nothing."

"Today I am feeling as though you don't love me. I
am afraid I have pushed you away. I know you
really do love me, you do so much for me. Today I
am just feeling a little insecure. Would you reassure
me of your love and tell me those three magic
words, I love you. When you do that it feels so
good."

What she said:

"I want more romance"
(“Gusto kong makilig ulit.”

"You don't satisfy me anymore. I am not turned on to
you. Your romantic skills are definitely inadequate.
You have never really fulfilled me. I wish you were
more like other men I have been with."

"Sweetheart, you have been working so hard lately.
Let’s take some time out for ourselves. I love it when
we can relax and be alone without the kids around and
no work pressures. You are so romantic. Would you
surprise me with flowers sometime soon and take me
out on a date? I love being romanced."

What she said:

"We are always in a hurry."
(“Lagi na lang tayong nagmamadali.”)

"You are so irresponsible. You wait until the last
minute to do everything. I can never be happy when
I am with you. We are always rushing to avoid being
late. You ruin things every time I am with you. I am
so much happier when I am not around you."

"I feel so rushed today. I don't like rushing. I wish
our life was not so hurried. I know it is nobody's
fault and I certainly don't blame you. I know you are
doing your best to get us there on time and I really
appreciate how much you care. "Would you
empathize with me and say something like, 'It is
hard always rushing around. I don't always like
rushing either.”

What she said:

"I want to forget everything."
(“Gusto ko nang makalimutan ang lahat.”)

"I have to do so much that I don't want to do. I am
so unhappy with you and our relationship. I want a
better partner who can make my life more fulfilling.
You are doing a terrible job."

"I want you to know that I love my work and my life
but today I am so overwhelmed. I would love to do
something really nurturing for myself before I have
to be responsible again. Would you ask me 'What's
the matter?' and then listen with empathy without
offering any solutions? I just want to feel you
understanding the pressures I feel. It would make
me feel so much better. It helps me to relax.
Tomorrow I will get back to being responsible and
handling things."

What she said:

"Everyone ignores me"
(“Walang pumapansin sa’kin.”)

"I am so unhappy. I just can't get the attention I need.
Everything is completely hopeless. Even you, don't
notice me, and you are the person who is supposed to
love me. You should be ashamed. You are so unloving.
I would never ignore you this way."

"Today, I am feeling ignored and unacknowledged. I
feel as though nobody sees me. Of course I'm sure
some people see me, but they don't seem to care about
me. I suppose I am also disappointed that you have
been so busy lately. I really do appreciate how hard
you are working and sometimes I start to feel like I am
not important to you. I am afraid your work is more
important than me. Would you give me a hug and tell
me how special I am to you?"

What she said:

"No one listens to me anymore"
(“Wala nang nakikinig sa’kin.”)

"I give you my attention but you don't listen to me. You used
to. You have become a very boring person to be with. I want
someone exciting and interesting and you are definitely not
that person. You have disappointed me. You are selfish,
uncaring, and bad."

"I am afraid I am boring to you. I am afraid you are no longer
interested in me. I seem to be very sensitive today. Would you
give me some special attention? I would love it. I've had a
hard day and feel as though no one wants to hear what I have
to say? "Would you listen to me and continue to ask me
supportive questions such as: 'What happened today? What
else happened? How did you feel? What did you want? How
else do you feel? Also support me by saying caring,
acknowledging, and reassuring statements such as: 'Tell me
more' or 'That's right' or 'I know what you mean' or 'I
understand.' Or just listen, and occasionally when I pause
make one of these reassuring sounds: 'oh,"humph,"uh huh”'
and 'hmmm."'

Deciphering His SMS (Short Messaging Signals)

(For Women)
J
ust as women have their own complaints which
need some decoding, men also have their own
signals which require some deciphering. Only
they are much simpler, shorter and sounded
almost the same. If you are truly interested in making the
necessary adjustments and willing to understand the
language of your man, learn his language and respond
accordingly.
You will be surprised how he will appreciate your
support and trust to him. In the following pages, I used
six separate scrolls to emphasize the six commonly
expressed abbreviated warning signals of men which you,
as a woman, might unknowingly respond in an intrusive
and unsupportive manner to him. Read each SMS
carefully and ask yourself whether you are guilty or not.

Hidden Message on the Scrolls #1
What he said:
“I'm OK."
(“Ok lang ako.”)

"I am not upset because I do not care. I
am not willing to share with you my upset
feelings. I do not trust you to be there for
me."
What he really meant:

"I am OK, I can deal with my upset. I
don't need any help from you."

What he said:
"It's nothing"
(“Wala ‘to.”)

"I don't care about what has happened.
This problem is not important to me.
Even if it upsets you, I don't care."

"I am fine because I am successfully
dealing with my upset or problem. I don't
need any help. If I do, I will ask."

What he said:
“I'm fine.”
(“Ayos lang.”)

I don't know what is bothering me. I need
you to ask me questions to assist me in
discovering what is happening." (At this
point you proceed to anger him by asking
questions when he really wants to be left
alone.)

"Nothing is bothering me that I cannot
handle alone. Please don't ask any more
questions about it."

What he said:
"It's all right."
(“Ok lang yun.”)

“This is the way it is supposed to be. Nothing
needs to be changed. You can abuse me and I can
abuse you" or you may hear, "It's all right this
time but remember it is your fault. You can do
this once but don't do it again or else. "

'This is a problem but you are not to blame. I can
resolve this within myself if you don't interrupt
my process by asking more questions or offering
suggestions. Just act like it didn't happen and I
can process it within myself more effectively."

What he said:
"It's no problem."
(Walang problema.”)

'This is not a problem. Why are you making
it a problem or asking for help?" (You then
mistakenly explain to him why it is a
problem.)

"It is no big deal because I can make things
work again. Please don't dwell on this
problem or talk more about it. That makes
me more upset. I accept responsibility for
solving this problem. It makes me happy to
solve it."

What he said:
"It's no big deal"
(Walang kaso sa’kin.”)

"You are making a big deal out of nothing.
What concerns you is not important. Don't
overreact."

"I have no problem doing this or solving this
problem. It is my pleasure to offer this gift to
you."

Unless You Start

Compromising
“A positive compromise is a healthy

compromise.”

Compromise Defined
W
hat does compromising mean anyway?
It happens when you both agree to settle
an argument, problem, or disagreement
in which both of you decide to accept
less than you both originally wanted.
Compromise doesn’t mean you completely agree
with your partner or vice versa—it’s healthy to maintain
your personal values, beliefs, opinions, and preferences
while still meeting halfway. Compromise is coming
together and finding a solution agreeable to both
parties. It shows that the relationship itself is more
important than being 'right' all of the time or always
getting your own way." It also shows you are
approaching life as a couple, and one who wants to
make decisions together.
Compromise usually involves assessing your
priorities and focusing on what you value most so this
isn't about doing things you don't want to do, or being
unhappy. Instead, it means talking about what you both
need, valuing each other's opinions, and finding a way
to meet in the middle so that everyone's OK with the
outcome.

Compromise is Required
W
hile it is true that disagreements and
arguments cannot be avoided in a
relationship, you must remember that
compromise plays a big role especially
in long-distance relationships. If this subject is taken for
granted, conflicts and unnecessary frictions in your
relationship happen too often than normal.
Regardless of how healthy and happy your long–
distance relationship is, you and your partner are not
the same. That means you’re bound to have differences
of opinion that lead to disagreements.
Maybe you like dogs as pets, prefer Korean over
Thai food, or align with a different political party.
Whatever the differences are, there are times when you
can’t happily coexist while you both embrace a very
different perspective or preference. That doesn’t mean
the relationship is unhealthy but it does mean
compromise is necessary ever so often.

Healthy Compromise
H
ealthy compromise is about finding a
balance and bridging the gap so both of
you feel heard, understood, and can agree
to an effective solution. In the long run,
this balance will lead to a healthier LDR and positive
growth.
There are negative compromises as there are
positive compromises. You know the compromise is
unhealthy when you feel it’s unfair or you feel like
you’re the only one giving up for something. Sacrifice is
different from compromise. In your relationship, ask
yourself who is naturally more giving? Is it you? If yes,
it’s easier for you to offer to sacrifice more in order to
make your partner happy or to end a disagreement.
However, consistent one-sided compromise is
unhealthy in LDRs where you do most of the heavy
lifting. Over time, you can be or feel taken advantage of
and grow tired and frustrated. If this happens often in
your LDR, chances are you become resentful in the end,
and you know well what resentment can do in a
relationship.

Practice Healthy Compromise
N
ot everyone is taught how to compromise
when he/she was young, so one or both of
you who are in an LDR struggle to meet
halfway. Luckily, I know some practical
ways you and your partner can practice healthy
compromise.
1. The Sacrifice is Mutual, Not One-Sided
While both of you are coming from different

perspectives, no one’s perspective is more important
than the other’s, so compromise in a healthy LDR
means both people consistently give up something to
come to an agreement. While the compromise may not
always be easy, it’s critical and only fair for both of you
to make sacrifices.
Be willing to give up something to reach an
agreement and get creative—the perfect solution isn’t
always evident. Sometimes, you’ll have to take some
time to brainstorm a reasonable compromise for both
people.

2. Both of You Maintain Your Unique Identities
In a healthy relationship, individuals maintain their

values and beliefs without fully giving up aspects of
themselves that make them unique. It’s easy to
compromise so well, that two people simply meld their
opinions and preferences in a way that mute or water
down their personalities and preferences.
That’s not the goal—the goal in compromise should
be to maintain a healthy relationship while coming
together to resolve disagreements. However, people
shouldn’t give up so much in their attempts to
compromise that they give up pivotal aspects of who
they are. That endangers individuality and authenticity
as opposed to encouraging people’s uniqueness to
flourish within a relationship.
3. There’s Good Intent
In a healthy LDR, you may not always feel happy

and well-intentioned but you love the other person and
you want to bring your best to the table as often as you
can.

You won’t always approach a compromise joyfully

and ready to sacrifice well for the sake of the
relationship but you will do your best! So it’s completely
normal for you to be not in the giving mood sometimes.
But if one or both of you are constantly approaching
compromise in a selfish way or being manipulative,
then, that’s a problem.
In a healthy relationship, both people are interested
enough in the success of the relationship that they
approach compromise with a giving, humble posture,
and a desire to see the disagreement settled. That may
not be the case all the time but try as much as you can to
give joyfully and be willing to call out yourself or the
other person if mal-intent is suspected.
4. Communication Is The Cornerstone of Every

Compromise
In a healthy LDR, both of you ensure that you make

it easy, safe, and comfortable for each other to share
hard truths. You should feel able to communicate when
a compromise is especially difficult or downright
impossible.

That way, a new solution can be found and neither

would feel manipulated, disrespected, or abused in the
name of compromise. Open communication also leaves
less room in a relationship for resentment that often
comes out especially from unhappy compromises. So if
you’re dissatisfied with the way a compromise panned
out, be sure to make that clear to the other person in a
non confrontational, peaceable way.
At the end of the day, compromise isn’t easy nor it is
something you are born knowing very well. Be patient
with yourself and your partner. Some compromises are
going to challenge your LDR, others may feel easy. Just
persevere and be as consistent as you can.
Once you understand and can implement
compromise in your LDR, you may begin to notice
some significant changes. Over time, the word
“compromise” won't feel negative or scary at all, but
rather a vital ingredient to your happy relationship.

Unless You Start

Complimenting
“Be generous of compliments.”

Compliments are Glue
W
hen you are in a relationship, not just
long-distance relationship,
compliments are like glue. They hold
the couple’s attention and respect.
Make sure your compliments are genuine and based on
something you see or hear your partner does.
Be generous with compliments. It is very common
for people to notice something nice about another
person and think about it internally, but never voice it.
Don’t let it be you. Voice it out.
If she cooks a delicious meal, compliment her. If
your boyfriend or husband fixes something on the
house, compliment him. This is very true – take notice
of the good things your partner does and make it known
to them that you see and appreciate those things.
Not only giving compliments but also sincere
appreciation makes a big difference. The desire for a
feeling of importance is one of the chief distinguishing
differences between mankind and the animals. But
remember to give appreciations only when you mean it,
not to flatter your partner.

Words of Affirmation
M
ark Twain once said, “I can live for two
months on a good compliment.” Verbal
appreciation speaks powerfully to
persons whose primary love language is
words of affirmation. Simple statements such as, “You
look great in that suit.” or “You must be the best baker
in the world! I love your oatmeal cookies.” are
sometimes all a person needs to hear to feel loved.
Another way to communicate through words of
affirmation is to offer encouragement.
Begin to express verbal appreciation to your spouse
for the positive things that you see. Set a goal, such as
one compliment a week for the first month, then two
compliments per week for the second month, then three
per week the third month, and so on until you work up
to at least a compliment a day.
You can give your marriage a new life when you
begin to express verbal appreciation to your spouse.
When you replace condemnation and criticism with
words of affirmation, something inside your spouse will
begin to warm toward you.

In due time, he or she will begin to think of you in a

more positive light and more positive behavior will soon
follow. This is not manipulation; it is simply the natural
result of feeling appreciated.
I stumbled across Philippians 4:8: `Whatever is true,

whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure,
whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is
excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.' It
was like God said to me, `You have had
a negative attitude about your marriage and it is not
helping. Why don't you begin to focus on the positive?
Look for the good things in your wife and begin
to give her compliments.'

CHAPTER 4
Unless You Become
Unless You Become CAPABLE
Unless You Become CONTENTED
Unless You Become CONSISTENT
Unless You Become CHEESY/CORNY

Unless You Become

Capable
“It starts with a decision.”

Capable of Listening
(For Sailors)
T
he number one way you can succeed in
fulfilling a woman's primary love needs is
through communication. As I have discussed
before, communication is particularly
important for women. By learning to listen to her
feelings, you can effectively shower her with the love she
needs—caring, understanding, respect, devotion,
validation, and reassurance.
One of the biggest problems you have with listening
to your partner is that she becomes frustrated or angry
because you forget that she is a different breed from
you, and you are supposed to communicate differently.
When you can listen to her feelings without getting
angry and frustrated, you give her a wonderful gift. You
make it safe for her to express herself. The more she is
able to express herself, the more she feels heard and
understood, and the more she is able to give you the
loving trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration,
approval, and encouragement that you need.

The Art of Listening

(For Sailors)
O
ne of the greatest gifts you can offer your
partner is your presence and attunement to
her thoughts and feelings. Most of the time,
when your partner is communicating with
you, they aren’t looking for a fixer to solve their
problems.
The first step in the art of listening is to listen.
Although it may seem obvious, it is tough to implement.
Listening means that you are offering your presence to
your partner and that you are really entering her feeling
state with the only goal: to hear her. So, when you are
listening to her, turn off the phone, television, or avoid
other distractions. Remember, you are not listening
with the goal of responding but with the aim of
understanding.
Validation is one of the greatest gifts you can give
your partner – it extends empathy and understanding to
your partner’s perspective. This is often easier to do
after having truly listened to and internalized your
partner’s thoughts.

Capable of Empowering Your Partner

(For women)
J
ust as men need to learn the art of listening to
fulfill your primary love needs, you need to
learn the art of empowerment. When you enlist
the support of a man, you empower him to be
all that he can be. A man feels empowered when he is
trusted, accepted, appreciated, admired, approved of,
and encouraged.
However, many women try to help their man by
improving him but unknowingly weaken or hurt him.
Any attempt to change him takes away the loving trust,
acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval, and
encouragement that are his primary needs.
The secret of empowering a man is never to try to
change him or improve him. Certainly, you may want
him to change—just don't act on that desire. Only if he
directly and specifically asks for advice is he open to
assistance in changing.

Unless You Become

Contented
“Your partner will always be beautiful

even until old age, only if you manage to
stick your eyes to her, yes, only to her, until
your sight slowly disappears.”

Contentment is Possible
(For Women)
Y
ou can always find plenty of fish in the sea,
but not all of them are the same kind of
mermen. So how do you know if you’ve
found the one that’s meant just for you? One
sign that you’ve found your soul mate is by the
contentment you feel in your long-distance relationship.
Contentment in an LDR should emerge from the
fact that you are okay with your partner. You can be
happy with your partner as long as the love is genuine.
But if you decide to jump from one relationship to the
next in search of “the right one,” you may be
disappointed because he doesn’t exist.
According to a study published by the Washington
Post, around 55 percent of the population hasn’t found
true love. These folks give up on the hunt, and they
consider themselves forever single. One indication that
you’ve struck gold is by the contentment you feel inside
when you’re with your sailor. I believe contentment is
possible.

When Contentment Becomes a Challenge

(For Sailors)
A
s soon as one of you starts to believe that
there is someone better than your current
partner; someone is more beautiful and
hotter than she is, or she is not a good match
to you—your relationship is in trouble, whether you live
3,000 nautical miles apart, two streets over, or share
the same bed.
The grass is not always greener on the other side of
the fence. It may appear greener but in reality, your eyes
only deceive you. You may feel you will find greener
pastures but what actually happens is that when you
move to another person, things are fresh, new, and
exciting just as they were in the beginning of your
current relationship. So, what happens in the long run?
In the profession of seafaring where most of the
working life is spent away from your partner, you’re
blessed to find someone who will accept your profession
wholeheartedly. Choose to see the best in her. Be
contented.

Unless You Become

Consistent
“Consistency is the measure of one’s

integrity.”

Consistency Defined
(For Women)
D
on’t you dream of being able to wake up
next to your partner and have him kiss you
good morning? (How sweet, but of course,
only when he is on vacation.) Or wake up
with an e-mail full of love from him while he is in the
middle of the ocean?
Consistency means that he loves you enough to keep
trying. It means that he is invested in you and he trusts
you. Consistency may also mean, though he may not
always be present by your side, but you know in your
heart, he is always there for you. No matter what
happens, you can always count on him.
All in all, consistency in an LDR is a combination of
behaviors such as trust and dependability but it is also
an honest desire to keep the spark alive. Little efforts
make all the difference. On the other hand, inconsistent
behaviors such as taking you for granted, not giving the
necessary effort to appreciate and respect you, and
actions not aligning with his words will damage his
integrity and trustworthiness.

Positive Consistency
(For Men)
B
efore we get into why it's important, let's try
to understand what a consistent partner
looks like—what you should look like. It is
neither about being around and available all
the time especially that we are talking about LDRs nor it
is about being unshakably certain about your feelings
for your beloved partner.
Certainly, it is not a concept which states "things
remain the same." It's more about creating a sense that
amid the challenges of the distance, contradictory
feelings, different time zones, unavoidable arguments
and misunderstandings, and conflicting desires, you are
there for your woman, maybe not physically, but by
heart. She may sometimes misunderstand your
perspective, but because of your positive consistency
since the start of the relationship, she can always count
on you. Having built a sense of commitment since the
beginning of the LDR is enough to compensate for your
absence.

Metaphor for Consistency

(For Men)
I
believe this is where you can easily measure your
integrity—through your consistency. You may
ask, “Is consistency crucial to a long-distance
relationship?” Absolutely! I believe it is as much
as important as communication.
Consistency is like the integrity of the vessel. You
know you are safe when everything onboard is okay;
when all the machineries and equipment are working
well, and when all the planned maintenance are being
followed. It gives you the feeling of security and
confidence when you know you can depend on the ship
to arrive to its destination.
When you are consistent, she knows she could
always count on you. She trusts you despite the
challenge of the distance. Even though you are
separated by a thousand nautical miles, she believes you
can keep your promises. In contrast, if she starts to see
and feel that you are inconsistent, especially when your
actions and behaviors do not align with what you say,
she becomes disappointed and frustrated, and soon
enough, you will lose her trust and approval.

Unless You Become

Cheesy/Corny
“Romance is always a beautiful thing.”

Cheesy Ideas
T
his is for the men! I mean the real sailors out
there! Ask yourself, what kind of girl doesn’t
want a romantic gesture? What kind of
woman hates flowers? love letters?
chocolates? or surprises? I believe every one of them
craves for these things. And you, as a real man, need to
be that guy—the romantic type of guy.
Below is a list of suggestions which you can follow.

You can modify them if you want. These simple
romantic and cheesy gestures have been found very
effective.
1. On a special occasion, buy your partner eleven real

red roses and one artificial red rose. Place the artificial
rose in the center of the bouquet. Attach a card that
says:
“I will love you until the last rose fades.”
2. Buy a stylish hand mirror and give it to your

partner as a gift. Include a card in the box saying:
“In this mirror, you will see the image of the
most beautiful woman in the world.”

3. Have flowers or cake delivered to your partner's

workplace. She will not only enjoy the flowers but will
also receive comments and attention from her office
mates which will add to her enjoyment.
4. If your partner has a pet that she adores, at

Christmas, in addition to buying a gift for your
partner, buy a small present for her pet.
5. If you shower first in the morning. Steam up the

bathroom and write a message such as "Clint loves
Pencel" on the mirror for your partner to read when
she uses the bathroom. This also works on car
windows when it's cold.
6. Buy a book that you and your partner are both

interested in reading. Read one chapter each night in
bed with each of you taking turns to read out loud. This
can be a great alternative to television.

7. Buy a box of chocolates and very carefully open one

side of the plastic wrap so that you can gently slide the
box out. Open the box and place a love note inside.
Then slide the box back into its plastic wrap and reseal
it.
8. Give your partner a magic gift box. Every month or

once in two months, place a new small gift in the box
for her to discover.
9. Occasionally, write her a handwritten letter. In this

digital age when handwritten letters start to become a
thing of the past, make the effort to write one. You have
your friend named “Google” to assist you for the cheesy
lines you want to write.
10. This is for a seafarer who is about to sign off. Don’t

tell her the exact date you’re going home. When it is
time for your usual chat over the messenger, arrange
for a close friend back home to log in using your
account while you position yourself outside her door.
Phone your friend on your mobile and speak to him in
real time. Tell him to type in the following sentence, “I
really miss you honey, I wish I could be there and just
reach out and knock on your door.” As soon as he has
sent the message, knock on the door! Imagine what a
surprise it will be.

11. On Thursday, ask your partner to pack a bag for

the weekend. Tell her she'll need casual clothes and
walking shoes but don't tell her what you have
planned. Pick her up after work on Friday and drive to
a romantic bed and breakfast for a romantic weekend
of relaxation.
12. If you have kids, organize for them to stay at their

grandparents for the weekend. On Friday evening,
announce that the weekend is yours and start planning
how you are going to spend your special time together.
13. Compliment your partner in public. If you are

talking in a group and it is appropriate to the
conversation say something like, "Pencel makes the
most delicious Kimbap." Squeeze her hand while you
are talking about her.
14. When you are having dinner one night, ask your
partner about the things she has always wanted to do.
Later on, write these things down so you don't forget
them and over time try and help make them happen.
For example, she may say that one thing she has
always wanted to do is swim with friendly sharks.
Find out where she can do this and organize it for her
as a special surprise .

15. Speak to your partner's family and find out what

her favorite book was when she was a little girl. Buy a
copy of the book and read it to her in bed.
16. Rent a tandem bike and go for a ride with your

partner. If you both own one, much better. At the end
of your ride, have a picnic in the park.
17. Next time you order a pizza, ask to have it cut into a
heart shape before it is delivered to your home.
18. When your partner is sitting at a table or desk,

come up behind her and give her a back, shoulder, and
head massage. Finish with a gentle kiss on the cheek.
19. When you and your partner are enjoying a restful

time away, organize to wake up early one morning
and go to a scenic spot to watch the sun rise.

20. Buy some rose petals and place them behind the
sun visor on the passenger side of your car. Take a post
it note and write, "I Love You" on it and stick it to
the back of the sun visor. As you are driving to a
romantic destination, look at your partner and tell her
she has a mark on her cheek. When she pulls down the
sun visor to use the mirror, she will be showered with
rose petals and will see your note. Wow! That’s sweet!
21. Write a note saying:

"I thought of you today, and it made me smile."
Leave the note somewhere where your partner is sure
to find it.
22. If your partner has long hair, take the time to

brush it using long slow strokes. This is particularly
effective after she has had a shower or when she is
getting ready for bed.

CHAPTER 5
LDR Does Work
LDR STORY # 1:. Answered Prayer
LDR STORY # 2: When You Least Expect It
LDR STORY # 3: My Hometown Love Story
LDR STORY # 4: Bida ang Saya
LDR STORY # 5: 6 LDR Challenges
LDR STORY # 6: The Come Back Love

Answered Prayer
It was not a usual practice of mine to post our love story

in social media. However, allow me to make this an
exemption.
I always believe in Mark 11:24,

"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer,
believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."
It all started with a 'Hi' on Facebook.
One afternoon in August of 2015, I suddenly thought of

opening my message requests on messenger. Upon
scrolling down, there was this unfamiliar name who
caught my attention. I opened his message and realized
that he has been sending me a simple ‘Hi’ for 3
consecutive days. Well at that time, I was thinking that
this person might really be interested in having a
conversation with me. This is where my curiosity kicked
in, so I immediately stalked his Facebook account to
know who this guy was.

In the middle of my ‘stalking’ stage, I realized my prayer

weeks before that day happened. Being a woman who
clearly knows what she wants in life, I uttered an honest
prayer and asked God wholeheartedly, “Lord, if you will
give me a partner, I want him to be a sailor, taller than
me, and living somewhere far in Bataan.”
My stalking skill made me smile for two reasons: First,

he is a sailor. Second, he is from Cavite.
At that moment, my heart jumped out of my chest as if

God is saying yes to my prayer already. But wait, how
would I know if he is tall? As a woman, I do really crave
for assurance. It’s better to be ‘sure’ than sorry. And as
they say, nothing happens if you don't take risks.
Hence... I replied.
Me: Hello, do you know me?

Him: Yes, I worked with your dad.

I was surprised to see his reply. How could that even be

possible? Is he for real? Does he know any information
about me? Or should I be the one to do a background
check? These questions had been running at the back of
my mind.
Still in the midst of doubt, I asked for proof if he could

send a photo of him with my dad. Perhaps, I found it
funny where out of the blue, he mentioned that he's also
celebrating his birthday during that time. Little did I
know, he was expecting for at least a birthday greeting
in return, yet because of too much trust issues, I didn't
believe him. Remembering it now, I felt a little guilt.
To cut the story short, he provided me photos as proof

that he-was-really-working-with-my-dad. I knew for
sure that he’s willing to do anything just to get my trust.
At that time, my dad informed me already that he asked
a favor from one of their cadets to bring home the
package for us. Luckily, he was one of the crew who will
be going home by the month of September. I considered
this as one of the reasons why I continued chatting with
him.

I reminded myself not to expect much from our

conversation. I knew that we’re only chatting because he
needs to give me the package once he comes back in the
Philippines.
Fast forward, it was September 7, 2015. The day has

finally come that I will be seeing him in person. After he
reported back in their office, he texted me to wait him in
my dormitory to hand over the package from my dad. I
don't know what to feel but meeting someone for the
first time gave me an adrenaline rush that often feels
thrilling, even though I still consider him as a total
stranger.
The cadet and I met, circumstances happened, and the

universe conspired to help me move at least an inch
closer. I am unable to speak or even articulate a
coherent thought. He was also lost for words and did
nothing but stare at me. I think that’s normal yet I
managed to cut the silence between us. And slowly…
we’re already having a good conversation with each
other.

Days after our meet-up, I just can’t get him off my mind
so I told myself to stop talking with him as it will not
lead to anything romantic. Then again, we can't teach
our heart and we can't refuse where it beats for.
On September 16, 2015 (100 days before Christmas),

this is where the universe tried to bring both of us
together. He planned of meeting me again for the
second time. He went to my dormitory – right into my
doorstep, straight into my life. I saw him holding a
bouquet fresh from Dangwa Flower Market.
I couldn’t explain the exact feeling that I’ve felt on that

very special moment. It’s true that I have also
experienced receiving gifts from my previous suitors,
however, I don't know why there seemed to be a ‘spark’
during that time. And I think that's because of the ‘bee’
that was included in the bouquet, additional sweetness
isn’t it? Kidding aside, I accepted the flowers with so
much delight in my heart and we proceeded to our so-
called ‘first date’.

My sailor from the 7 seas turned out to be a reachable

human being – someone I can dine with, I can watch
movies with, someone who laughs, who cries with me,
whose hand I will never get tired of holding.
As I was clearly enjoying the moment, I failed to inform

my dad that we are already dating during that time.
Well, I also thought that everything will end after the
giving of package. But despite the fact that I am still into
my 'Books over Boys' season (yes, I’m on my 3rd year
college when I met him), through prayers and guidance
of the Lord, I gave my sailor a chance. He was only 22
and I was 4 years younger than him when we met.
Education is still on my top priority list that’s why we
both reminded ourselves of our limitations.
Not to mention his struggle of going into our house to

ask for my parent's approval. It doubled the anxiety
that I’ve felt the first time I saw him. But then, we
continued despite the uncertainty.

I wanted to emphasize here how God’s timing is always

perfect. I was heartbroken few months before I invested
my time with my sailor. It’s only God who heals my
innermost pain that only He understands.
God is truly merciful and He hears all my prayers.
Unexpectedly, someone came along who is exactly what
I prayed for! And I am happy to share with you that we
just turned 6 years last March 17, 2023.
It was definitely not an easy Long-Distance Relationship

for us. I've seen the good, the bad, and the ugly. I have
learned that love is the force that pushes me to be
selfless; It is what makes me realized that no matter
how self-seeking I might be, at one point I’ll be more
than willing to take that bold step of putting my
partner’s happiness over my own. And sometimes it
pushes me to share a big portion of myself.
Just like any other relationships, we also have a lot of

fights, misunderstandings, and consistent unfriend-
block-unblock on Facebook. If you’re one of my closest
friends who knew about it, you will really get tired on
that kind of cycle.

It was also during those years that I thought he's not

really the one for me, and that I have to give up and let
him go. Despite all these, my boyfriend always showed
his consistent efforts throughout our relationship.
His love, patience, and understanding are infinite. No

matter how long the distance between us, he remained
loyal and faithful to me. We may not be physically
together but our hearts and soul are strongly connected
even if we are miles apart.
We were together during his cadet days and I stayed

with him even before he was promoted. I witnessed all
the hardships he went through on his journey. And I am
immensely grateful that I am part of those moments. I
am also proud to share that he was also with me on the
latter part of my college days, on the day that I passed
my board exam, and when I finally got my first job.
Now, I feel so blessed that he is still with me witnessing
my graduate studies journey.
We just keep on pursuing our dreams and overcoming

these challenges together since 2015. There’s no other
way but to continue sailing to get the desire of our
hearts – that one day, our private prayers will turn into
public celebrations.

Our LDR story will not be successful without the

presence of God. Personally, I believe that navigating a
Long-Distance Relationship isn’t for everyone. It is for
the bold and the brave who are willing to spend a lot of
time alone in exchange for a little time with the one they
love. And this is where the steadfastness of our hearts
and our ability to endure for a long time are measured.
But through God's goodness and grace, we were able to

overcome even those big challenges that came into our
relationship.
To end my story, I'll just cap it off by saying...
“To my sailor, to many more fulfilled dreams and

prayers with you.”


When You Least Expect It
"People say love will find you when you least expect it."
That’s exactly what happened to me and Drin admin.

I'm a single mother and I have a kid that time I'm 25
he's 33years old. So here it goes..
We met back in March 2016 on one of the famous

dating app, i still don't know his profession that time.
He was the one who messaged me first with "Hello
beautiful" I replied with "Yow"
I asked him where is he and he told me he's in the US

and don siya sasampa, Inisip ko anong sasampa? So I
asked him what's his work and he told me that he's a
seafarer. Then I replied "Ay seaman?" Sabi niya "Ayaw
mo sa pogi at loyal na seaman?" I replied to him.. We'll
see naman.

He told me that he will be preparing to join and will just

message me if the internet connection is good, i waited
for him like 2 days NO CHAT at all and I thought to
myself "Ay wala din to di na nag reach out"
After 3days he messaged me, i was really not expecting

that he will reach out again.
Fast forward, I told him that he wouldn't like someone

like me who already has a trophy (daughter) but God is
just so good to have someone like him and accepted my
daughter with all his heart no Why's How's & What If's.
Our communication went smooth, he's not a walking
red flag coz for me he's almost near to perfection
exerting efforts during and after talking stage.
As we get to know each other he's rank was a 2/E. And I

was shocked with his position onboard the Ship, pretty
amazed in his achievements with his Career.

Months after, he courted me, courting stage lasted like

3months. I said YES to him as his girlfriend. I promised
to myself that I'll wait for this guy to come home.
Thanks to the stable internet connection we were able to

fight through hours of time difference. WhatsApp,
Viber, Messenger kept our relationship alive for the past
months.
Flash forward after several months and we’ve

conquered the hardest part of being in a long distance
by seeing the Love of your life again Well you know
nothing beats the feeling of seeing him after a matter of
months apart but I’m happy to say that those challenges
and complexities in our lives we've overcome it and we
stand still to our decisions in life.
In those moments we weren’t really sure how to move

forward with our relationship to work.

January 2017, his signoff we met for the very first time I
was with my daughter that time at the Airport. He was
so happy that finally he met my daughter, We were so
happy that time. Every moment counts. After 4 months
on vacation he still needs to go back to work, same
routine long distance but constant communication is
the key.
September of 2022 he proposed to me. I said YES! One

of our happiest moments together. Up until I'm still on
cloud nine recalling those moments that I met him, that
we shared our feelings and happy thoughts. He loves my
daughter so much as if like his biological child, and I'm
so much grateful for that.
And now he's onboard and yes we're away and literally
too far with each other yet our love and faithfulness will
remain. We're just so happy and contented with each
other, destiny says it all.
But years later, we are still together.

Everything that we have come into it never went always

that easy, but it’s pretty worth it – and ultimately, that’s
what it boils down to us loving separately. Making a
choice every day to redeem and invest in your
relationship because it’s worth it to have that person in
your life, even if you can’t physically be together
because distance pushes hard to be of it.
Our long-distance relationship definitely had its ups

and downs, everything is not perfect. There were times
that we lived on separate places and battled significant
differences in time zones and it really hits different,
there were times that we questioned our future
together, because for me being in a long-distance is the
truest test of time for couples like us.
"It takes a Strong Man both in mind and body to work

onboard the Ship, but it takes a Stronger Woman to
Love that kind of Man."
To my future husband, in everything that you do, i'm
the proudest & you got me always at your back!!!


My Hometown Love Story
It was the last week of February 2017 when I made the

first move. I was on a study break during one of my
lawschool days in Manila when my friends got a hold of
my cellphone and randomly sent messages to strangers
on my messenger. One of those people is now my
partner and the father of my child.
It all started with a simple hi and hello. I came from an

affluent family in our town, I was able to study in
prestigious institutions from Nursery to Law School.
I was in Manila when everything started and he was in

our hometown and he just got back from his inter-
island apprenticeship in Mindoro. We both thought that
this will all just be play and fun, but things then got
serious, we were then in a serious relationship.
After how many meet-ups during my summer break, it

was time for me to go back to law school in Manila,

meaning that he will be left at our hometown which is

an hour airplane away from Manila. Ito rin yung kauna
unahang pagkakataon na nag boyfriend ako ng taga
amin. Kaya’t ayon parang na excite na di maexplain
yung nararamdaman.
I already expected that we will encounter alot of

problems considering that we are in an LDR. After a few
days his ex PM-ed him in messenger, she was asking
how he was. I was just thankful that my partner sent a
screenshot of the chat and he told me about it. It was
our first major away. Tipong di talaga makuntento yung
babae, eto namang marino ko parang gustong gusto pa
na nagchat sa kanya yung ex nya.
After a few weeks he decided to follow me to Manila, we

stayed at my condo, in short we lived-in while I was still
studying.
After how many months of being together in 2018, I got

pregnant with our child, we hid it from our families up
to the very day that I gave birth in 2019. Then, I stopped
studying, we went home to our hometown.

Then came the most challenging moments of our life,

my family was really disappointed and angry at him. We
were separated.
They did not allow us to live together. My marino

decided to go back to Manila to apply for international
voyage, it was not easy, he took several exams at several
companies but was never called back for line-up. Tipong
inabot sya ng lockdown sa boarding house nya sa
Manila. Sobrang hirap talaga nun.
It was very hard for us, until I was given the opportunity
to work and support our family. I also ate my pride
when I asked my dad for help so that my marino can
have a backer to help him be lined up at an agency so
that he can work.
My marino got all the necessary trainings and never

stopped reporting to his crewing manager. Siguro
hanggang naawa na yung crewing sa kanya kaya’t na
line up sya bilang wiper.

Syempre anjan yung hirap sa pagkuha ng tiwala ng

aming mga magulang at ng aming pamilya. Pero di
kami tumigil, hanggat naging oiler na sya ngayon at ako
naman ay naging regular na kawani ng gobyerno,
nakapagtapos ng law school, at nakakuha na rin ng
BAR. Sa ngayon, nagaantay na lng ng resulta.
Sa awa ng diyos nkaumpisa na rin makapundar ng

sasakyan at lupa at sana naman matuloy na yung
pinapangarap naming kasal.
Kaya sa mga katulad namin who started on the wrong

foot, wag magalala, hanggat nanjan yung pangarap ng
isat-isa para sa inyong pamilya, hindi kayo bibitaw,
mananatili kayong malakas para sa mga taong mahal
nyo, at mas lalo kayong pagtitibayin ng Panginoo.
Sa marino ko, hello! Ito na nagpaalam ako sayo kanina

na mag share din ako dito ng ating storya. Palagi kng
nasa panalangin namin, magiingat palagi at mahal ka
namin!


Bida ang Saya
Hi! I am a psychometrian, proud to be almost 4-years-in

-love with my Marino.
It all started when I was in my third year of college. I

was bored one night in April 2019 and scrolling through
my phone when my cousin introduced me to the
conversation app "Near Group".
I found it engaging and entertaining at the same time.

Near-group chat will allow you to have a conversation
with different people in different places.
At that time, I talked to someone whom I enjoyed

talking to. He is so jolly, kengkoy, and funny, and I love
his humor. We talked about different topics, like our
favorite foods and our hobbies.

Since we enjoyed talking with each other, the

conversation did not end until we both got curious and
decided to add each other on Facebook. Every day we
found ourselves attached to each other.
There was one time when I posted a picture of my drum

trainer, and he got annoyed and sort of jealous at that
time. I somehow liked the feeling that he is being
jealous if some guy is close to me.
He therefore decided to set up a date because, as for

him, he is getting serious with me. He also mentioned
that he wants to pursue me.After 4 months of having
conversations and video calls, since he lives in
Marikina, he decided to travel from Marikina to
Pampanga to meet me.
On August 26, 2019, at 2 p.m., we meet in the Sm

Pampanga food court. At that time, I was so afraid to
meet him because I’m not used to meeting up with
strangers.

He saw me sitting in the food court of Sm Pamp and

approached me; he told me that he already brought a
ticket for a movie. It’s funny that in our first meet-up as
strangers, the title of the movie we’re about to watch is
"Just a Stranger."
I don’t know if it’s coincidence or destiny, but I

somehow felt like there was some unexplainable
comfort I have towards him. In the cinema, while
watching the movie, all my fears suddenly wiped away; I
felt comfortable, and he never let me feel violated.
He respects me, and I felt his care and gentleness

throughout the movie.After the movie, we ate our first
meal together at Jollibee. Yes, Jollibee.

It really manifested its tagline "sa Jollibee bida ang

saya" Because at that moment, we knew that from that
day forward, together, having each other, "Palaging
magiging BIDA na ANG SAYA".
After we ate, he decided to make me ride in a ferris

wheel at Skyranch Pampanga. He was aware that I have
a fear of heights, but he insisted that I need to face my
fears.
It was my first time, and I was extremely nervous at

first, but later on, my fear and anxiety were wiped away
by his presence and humor, and I became more
comfortable with him.
After our first date, we decided to meet again, but this

time in my house. It was in the first or second week of
September when he personally asked my father if he
could date me and later be his girlfriend.

I am amazed, and my respect for him got bigger when I

saw him pay respect to my father and family by asking
them first about his intention.
I love how he handles things, and later on, I fell in love

with him. He asked me one afternoon in September
2019 at SM Pampanga if I could be officially his
girlfriend, and I said yes.
We became officially in a relationship, and he decided to

introduce me to his parents and his relatives. I
appreciated how warmly they welcomed me into the
family.
After a month of being in a relationship, he signed a

contract at a shipping company and pursued his career
as an ordinary seaman. In his first contract, it was
extremely hard for us because his signal was not stable,
and we were having a hard time communicating with
each other.

Along the nine months of his contract, our relationship

became shaky, but we survived. Yes, we survived, not
because we are strong but because the Lord blessed our
love and made it stronger than longing, fights,
differences, imperfections, and distance.
He is now on his 4th contract, yet we survive and will

continue to survive because we will keep on choosing
our love for each other over our circumstances, our
misunderstandings, temptations, and trials.
LOVE, ABOVE ALL.

Ps. To all the women out there, please know your worth.
The man who will see your worth will eventually treat
you well, respect you and your family, care for you, and
choose you over your imperfections.
Pps. To my Marino, MKMT, I will forever thank the

Lord for giving me such a great man like you. You are
my answered prayer. I love you!


6 LDR Challenges
My boyfriend and I have been braving the challenges of

LDR relationships for 6 years now and I would like to
share 6 challenges that we faced in our love story.
1. Distance
"Iiwan mo na naman ako. "
This has been my line lately because he will soon work
again. It is as if I'm a child begging for him not to leave.
Though I say it in a bubbly and funny way, I know it
hurts him every time I do it. Then he would always
respond "saglit lang".
I think this is the number one challenge once you are in

a long distance relationship but the hope that he will
always come back is somehow enough to keep you
believing that your relationship will work. Sabi nga
"Distance means so little when someone means so
much."

2. Trust
"Mahirap pero buti na lang mabait siya."
My last relationship ended because my ex cheated on
me. I was in my first year of college at that time. Then I
decided to just focus on my studies and in the church
ministry till I graduate and be ready for the one.
The one that the Lord has prepared for me. The one that
will not break my heart. The one that will stay forever. I
want my next relationship to be my last. So, I had 2 on
my checklist that I always pray to God. First, he is also
serving in the ministry. Second, no vices. And I believe
the Lord granted my prayers.
We were both greeters in our Church. I am serving for a

long time already and I met him on his first day as a
greeter. He was introduced by our team leader. Number
1, check! Then number 2 was also confirmed as I get to
know him. Check!

3. Communication
"Bakit wala kang chat?"

I'm the most demanding when it comes to this. (Self-
proclaimed) I want him to always give an update of his
whereabouts . Not because I want to check if he is
cheating or doing something wrong but for me to be at
peace if he is okay and safe.
We had agrument countless times about this because

there are times he will opt not to chat. There are also
times that we have a chance for video call but he will not
make the most of it.
He will do something else while we are talking.

Sometimes he will prioritize downloading news and
there will be no chance for video call because it has
consumed all his data. And I would always tell him that
it is the only way for us to connect to each other. There
was also an incident where he questioned why I
demanded his time for sleeping. Because most of the
time, even if he is sleeping I won't drop the call.

But we were able to surpass this. Bumawi naman siya

and basta may chance, susulitin talaga ang time.
4. Missed Important Dates

"Babawi tayo pag-uwi."
Nung kaka-graduate niya pa lang and hindi pa siya

nakakasampa, we were able to celebrate all occasions.
Even when my last work ended, he surprised me with a
bouqet of flowers and had dinner as a celebration.
According to him every end is a new beginning kaya
worth celebrating daw yung last day ko sa work.
Eventually we have to adjust nung sumasakay na siya.

At first it is difficult but we managed to set plans for us
to celebrate the missed dates every time he comes
home.

5. Growth as a Couple
"Yung 6 years namin parang 3 years lang kung
susumahin."
Dahil lagi syang sumasampa, we were able to spend
time together only for a half year. Sometimes roughly 3
to 4 months only. That's why there is this feeling that
our growth or maturity as a couple is not evident or
maybe just gradual.
There are problems wherein we are having a hard time

to solve because he is onboard. There are also times that
we have personal problems but because of the distance
walang ibang way to comfort each other kundi sa chat
lang. Not to mention ang pagod at busy sa work kaya
madalas short time lang din talaga makakapagusap.
We started doing devotions together kahit nasa barko

sya. I would have my bible reading everyday and I will
also send it to him para makapag input din siya ng sa
kanya. We shares inspirational blogs we see online and
will ask for each other's input.I started also sharing
whatever my problem is. I accepted his comfort even
thru chat and had high hopes that we will soon face
problems and make solutions together.

6. Future Plans
"Ayoko sa umaalis "
This was my respond to him when he said he is a
seafarer. I came from a broken family and my mother
was an OFW back then. I told myself that my future
children will NOT have the same experience because I
know its effect it. Ayoko sa umaalis.
Then he responded "Hindi naman ako forever mag-
babarko." I forgot to kneel before the Lord about this.
But my heart is decided that this is non-negotiable. Pero
ewan ko ba, madalas hindi rin lahat ibibigay sayo ni
Lord. He will somehow let things in your life not to
break you but to help you and prepare you for
something beautiful.
I struggled before saying yes to my bf. I cried several

times, ilang beses na atras sulong.
Then after 2 years of friendship and courtship, I said yes
last January 25, 2017. It was also my birthday because I
wanted it to be my gift for myself. I held on to his plan
na hindi siya forever magbabarko and wala sa dagat ang
calling nya.

Fast forward, 6 years na ang lumipas and to tell you

honestly there were countless nights wherein I question
myself if para talaga ako dito sa relationship na 'to. If
kaya ko pa ba magcompromise, if kaya ko pa ba
umintindi, if kaya ko pa mag-isa sa tuwing umaalis siya
and if ako pa ba ang para sa kanya. I always tell him
"Sorry, hindi ata talaga ako ang makakaintindi sayo."
But we will still compromise and continue the
relationship.
We tried starting a business and naging okay. We

believed that it is God's way of blessing us that we can
settle already here in the Philippines together but then
the business failed. Kailangan parin sumakay.
Mahirap, especially tumatanda na din kami. But I guess

it's still not yet time. Pray lang ulit and believe that God
will make it happen when the time is right. Mag-iipon
lang ulit. Believing in him is also believing in God's plan
for us. Saying yes to him is also saying yes to God.
Trusting in him is also trusting in God that he has
everything under control. Compromise ulit. Pray ulit.

WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT, I, THE LORD, WILL MAKE IT

HAPPEN. ISAIAH 60:22

The Come Back Love
Hi, I'm so hesitant whether I will share our story or not.

please hide my identity
I don't know if he will be able to read this or not but if

ever he will I want to let him know how I love,
appreciate and value him
It was on a blind dance booth when I first met my bf! I

was a second year High school student and he was a
first year high school student. He was my crush since
2010. We became pen mate because we have the same
classroom luckily my seat is also his seat.
After a year, It was 2011 of October when he courted me

and then after how many days we became officially
together. But after a couple of months we got separated.
We were too young, way back then. We have to separate
as to not affect our study.

We said our last good bye in a good term with a promise

that we will be together again. We were each other's first
love . I am his first girlfriend and he was my first serious
relationship. After that breakup suddenly our
communication has been cut.
I hold on to that promise, I'm a keeper that's why I don't

entertain guys after our break up. I know his Facebook
but I don't have the guts to message him first because I
am a woman who believes that it should be the man
who will do the move.
I am a traditional woman who believes that women are

meant to be pursued not the other way around. Then
one day while I was stalking on his Facebook I saw a
picture of a girl and I found out that they're in a
relationship. Yes it hurts, it do really hurts. I cried
countless times cause I faithfully waited for him for 5
years.

9 years of no communication from any social media

sites. 9 years without seeing each other even if we are
both from Caloocan. A small place that seems so big for
us . During those years we met a lot of people, we got
into different relationships, we graduated from our
chosen courses, I got hired in public school while him,
he was able to travel the world as a seafarer. Looking
back this is just a dream for us.
Until one day during pandemic he messaged me saying

" Uy Rhems haha kamusta dalaga na ah " and so I
replied. That's the start of our reconnection and endless
conversations. We reminisced about our past and we
talked about our future plans. We saw how we both
grow individually and professionally.
I remember him asking me " What if boyfriend mo ako

ok lang ba sayo na LDR tayo? I answered him straight
that I can't cause I'm clingy but honestly my answer
went that way cause I don't really know what to say
that's a surprise question from someone who just
started chatting me.

Then he courted me again. It was October of 2021 when

we finally got back together . It took us almost 10 years
to do what we promised. Well it's true, true love has a
habit of coming back
Truly God made everything beautiful in his time
Now we are happy and proud of what we have. We are

able to achieve our dreams. LDR may be really hard but
my faith to God and to him is stronger. I do believe that
we will be able to surpassed everything together.
I know we still have a long journey to take and we both

doesn't know what tomorrow holds for us but I trust
him and I have so much trust on our creator.
Indeed Only a strong woman can love a seaman cause it

takes a lot of courage, trust, patience, love and so much
prayers.


Epilogue
“The PENCEcLint’s Story”
PENCEcLint is the combination of PENCEL

and CLINT sharing only the letter “L” and
L stands for lifetime.

Happily Ever After?
A
s you can see, long-distance relationships
require hard work. You need to make, to stop,
to start and become those capital letter C’s in
order to make it work. With the right attitude,
dedication, sincerity, and some unique ideas on how to
make it successful, you can have a strong and awesome
long-distance relationship!
Remember that building a lasting relationship is
like building your dream home. You make sure that you
have a strong foundation, enough to withstand the
mightiest storm. As a couple, I suggest you must choose
to build your foundation “with style”. The mixture of
cement, sand and gravel is ‘not’ all there is. Manage to
include some precious stones like diamonds, emerald,
ruby, sapphire, gold and silver coins in the mixture as you
shape the corners of your dream house. Of course, I am
speaking metaphorically.

So that when the time comes your moment here on

earth will be over and you finally leave for good; the
dream house you built would stay long enough even after
your evanescence. And if finally your dream house will be
demolished, and they dig down the foundation; they will
discover the treasures you left behind—the sweetest
memories of your love story.

The PENCEcLint’s Story
M
y wife and I dated for six years before we got
married. We were both in our third year of
college when I started courting her. I wrote her
handwritten letters, dedicated dozens of poems
for her, bought her dozens of roses and chocolate bars. It took
me a few months before I ‘convinced’ her to accept me as her
boyfriend.
During my first contract as a deck cadet on an international
vessel, I managed to make a simple parting gift for her. I called
it the L.O.S.T. (List of Sweet Tasks). It’s a small pocket
notebook, paired page by page, and inside every “paired page”
was a weekly task which she needed to accomplish. It’s good for
one year since my contract on board was also a yearlong.
While onboard, I also managed to write a monthly
handwritten letter for her. I spare the time every month to sit
and write down my thoughts about how much I miss her and
how much I love her. She didn’t know I was writing these
letters. When my contract’s over, I gave her 13 letters including
my extension month.

Every contract I sign; every time I am away by thousands of

nautical miles from her; I try to come up with creative ideas on
how to ease the pain of being apart, so we can triumph over the
challenges of Long-Distance Relationship.
Years passed until the right moment came, when the

investment of time and effort was already enough to ask her for
a lifetime of commitment. I could still clearly remember the day
I asked my fiancée to marry me. It was the 9th of October, 2015,
around 8 am, in front of the big statue of Jesus Christ right
outside the St. Clément’s church.
As I gave her the bouquet of “blue” roses, I kneeled down in

front of her… and I said the sweetest statement I have ever
come up along with the killer question:
“Life starts with “L” and ends with “E”. L stands for Love and
E stands for Eternity. In between is the word “IF”.
My life will be filled with LOVE until ETERNITY only IF I

spend the rest of it with you.
So, Pencel Chin Gumban, will you marry me?

‘And she said, ‘yes’.
A year, later, we got married.
-End-

AFTERWORD
When I saw the book,

showing those LDR letters on its
cover, I actually stopped for a
moment and asked myself if I was
ready to read stuffs regarding
Long-Distance Relationships. It's
been 10 years since I hated books
or articles about LDR. I kept on
convincing myself that it would
only remind me of something I buried a long time ago, to
cover the pain I had.
I suddenly saw the name of the author, Clint Mark J.
Bañes. Without any hesitance, I read the first part of it. I
never doubted the content. I never asked myself if I was
ready. I just kept on reading until I reached the final
chapter. From that moment, everything seemed clear.
Everything seemed healed. That's what I felt after reading
the book.

It took me like 3 days before I finally convinced

myself I must write a review about it. Actually, I didn't
know what to say. I was afraid that I misunderstood the
book.
However, I just wrote what my heart wanted to say.
To tell the world that even the oldest wound could
be healed by a book. It showed me different views of a
man's true desires, goals, and focus when he is in this
kind of relationship. If you would ask me why I risked
reading this book, simply because Clint, is just a name
that every boy could have. However, with the author's
surname, I could tell it is worth reading, worth the risk
of remembering everything, especially the saddest and
painful part of it. "I trust the author", that’s what’s on
my mind.
Knowing the author of this book personally, as one
of my closest friends, I could confidently vouch that for
all the experiences he faced and challenges he overcame
in his life, this book would surely receive positive
reviews from all the people who might try to read it.
He's been my friend since 2005. He is really a
problem solver ever since. He knows how to let others
realize their worth without judgement. He knows how
to

give importance and appreciate every detail, every form

of kindness towards him. He knows how to show you
hope in every word he uttered. That's why I read this
book.
I knew from that moment, that it could give me
answers, relief, and peace of mind. He's been through a
lot. He's been with so much challenges before but he
never showed weakness for once. His eagerness and his
desire for success gave him freedom from all those
agonies.
He is a kind brother to his siblings, a respectful son
to his mom, a loyal lover to his LDR girlfriend before
and now his wife. Above all, he is a God-fearing person.
I know this book will give everyone a good direction.
Everything that goes along with God's guidance and
path will give you peace, healed heart, and strong
connection to your dreams.
This book gave me freedom. I was healed. I was
enlightened. I was given a certain reason to appreciate
the beauty of different challenges that every long-
distance relationship has.
Job well done, Clint Mark Bañes! You gave the key
to everyone's desire to understand the term, LDR. You
gave justice to every heart's yearning, seeking reasons
why they

must stay in this kind of relationship. Yes, you were

right; as what you've written on this book, sailors are
being called rude, heartless, and insensitive by their
wives or partners.
This book changed everything. Hatred was changed
into love. Harsh words towards them were changed into
patience. Cold nights were changed into prayers for
their safety. LDR didn't work for me but this book could
save hundreds of relationships, and I was really
fascinated by this book's existence today.
It isn't just a book, it is an instrument of HOPE.
Roseanne Marie V. Perez

Sales Representative/Businesswoman

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Born to a couple Elenita and

Eddie Bañes Jr. on October 15,
1991, Clint Mark J. “Ironico”
Bañes hails from Ungka 2, Pavia,
Iloilo, Philippines and is the
second child among three siblings.
He finished both his
Elementary and High School with
the highest distinction as the class
valedictorian at Ungka 2
Elementary School in 2004 , and at Iloilo National High
School Regular Class in 2008, respectively.
In 2012, he completed his Bachelor of Science in
Marine Transportation in John B. Lacson Foundation
Maritime University Arevalo Inc., where he
graduated as Magna Cum Laude.
He was a company sponsored cadet under Vega
Manila Crewmanagement Inc. and at the same time a
recipient of scholarship grant from Iloilo Society of
America (ISA).

He acquired his Officer in Charge of Navigational

Watch (OIC-NW) Certificate in 2013 while his Chief
Mate License, in 2016. In 2019, at the age of 28, he
secured his Master Mariner License and on the same
year, completed his Master’s Degree in Maritime
Management (MMM) at John B. Lacson Foundation
Maritime University Arevalo Inc., Graduate School.
Presently, he is pursuing his Doctor of Philosophy in
Maritime Education Major in Maritime Management in
the same university while being an active seafarer.
His sea service experiences include bulk and
container vessels with worldwide trades. Currently, he
is connected with VMCI as a Deck Management Level
Officer onboard.
He is also a certified Maritime Instructor and
Assessor and teaching part-time at Iloilo Merchant
Marine School (IMMS) while on his vacation.
In November 5, 2016, he married the love of his life,
Pencel Chin, a member of Non-Uniformed Personnel of
the Philippine National Police (PNP), after six years of
dating. His flair for writing was discovered during his
cadetship days when he consistently composed poems
of love and sweet love letters, and kept a personal
journal dedicated to her.

His pseudonym “Ironico” is behind several “viral”

seafaring poems and articles such as, “I’m Sorry, I’m
just a Seafarer, “No No Choice”, “The Amazing
Master”, and “Because Your Father is a Seafarer” in
both local and international seafarer pages which
inspired thousands of sailors and sailors’ partners
around the globe.
He has written eight books so far which include:
Passage Planning Towards Success, LDR Doesn’t Work
Unless, On Becoming A Highly Effective Sailor, The
Mariner’s Journal, The Unorthodox Speaker, Kwento ng
Barbero sa Barko, Paglalayag Patungong Tagumpay,
and Bakit Tamad Magbasa ang mga Seaman?. These
books are both available in digital versions (e-books)
and physical copies.
The titles of the books may suggest that they are
exclusive for seafarers or seafarers’ partners only, but in
reality, THEY ARE NOT. The author may have used
maritime terms, but the lessons are universal and
anyone reading it, from all walks of life, can easily relate
and understand the message he wants to convey.
Capt. Clint Mark J. Bañes, MMM

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Ironico’s LDR Doesn’t Work Unless

© Clint Mark J. ‘Ironico’ Bañes

Capt. Clint Mark J. ‘Ironico’ Bañes, MMM 1

LDR Doesn’t Work Unless

A Sailor’s Perspective to Make It Work…

CLINT MARK J. BAÑES

All rights reserved, including

Capt. Clint Mark J. ‘Ironico’ Bañes, MMM 2

The author has strived to be as accurate and complete

While all attempts have been made to verify

Readers are cautioned to reply on their own judgment

Capt. Clint Mark J. ‘Ironico’ Bañes, MMM 3

“It is very important to internalize those profound “C’s

Capt. Clint Mark J. ‘Ironico’ Bañes, MMM 4

"Indeed, this book serves as a guide for the couple to

"The meat of this book is focused on how the new

Capt. Clint Mark J. ‘Ironico’ Bañes, MMM 5

“This book captured my interest and captivated my

I can actually relate from the title of the book, “LDR

Big thanks also to the author, Capt. Clint Mark J. Bañes,

Capt. Clint Mark J. ‘Ironico’ Bañes, MMM 6

I still think this is the most comprehensive book on long

-Cathleen Escabarte, CPA-

Capt. Clint Mark J. ‘Ironico’ Bañes, MMM 7

“While randomly browsing the internet searching for

This book flooded me with countless realizations and

Capt. Clint Mark J. ‘Ironico’ Bañes, MMM 8

Capt. Clint Mark J. ‘Ironico’ Bañes, MMM 9

To my amazing wife, Pencel Chin,

The love of my life,

Without your support, nothing would have been

To my beloved daughter, Celestchin Marris,

Daddy can’t promise he will be the ideal father, but he

And the best way to do it is to love your mother even

Capt. Clint Mark J. ‘Ironico’ Bañes, MMM 10

To my loving mother, Elenita:

To my late father, Eddie:

To Nanay Arceli and Tatay Pedro:

Capt. Clint Mark J. ‘Ironico’ Bañes, MMM 11

It has been my pleasure to

Capt. Clint Mark J. ‘Ironico’ Bañes, MMM 12

I wrote this foreword because I could see myself in

Capt. Bryan Emmanuel R. Libunao, MM

Capt. Clint Mark J. ‘Ironico’ Bañes, MMM 13

t was a typical night. The waves and the winds

Capt. Clint Mark J. ‘Ironico’ Bañes, MMM 14

In my arms, you fell asleep last night,

Then… the sad reality started to bite,

Those painful tears of yours struck like arrows,

I wanna be the reason of your smiles,

Capt. Clint Mark J. ‘Ironico’ Bañes, MMM 15

Would my loyalty be good enough?

In God’s perfect time, our prayer has been granted,

For now, I may not always be around,

Capt. Clint Mark J. ‘Ironico’ Bañes, MMM 16

A word of warning: This book cannot solve all

Capt. Clint Mark J. ‘Ironico’ Bañes, MMM 17

I do not have all the answers about Long-Distance

Capt. Clint Mark J. ‘Ironico’ Bañes, MMM 18

“Relationships are hard. Long-Distance

Relationships are much harder.”

Capt. Clint Mark J. ‘Ironico’ Bañes, MMM 19

Capt. Clint Mark J. ‘Ironico’ Bañes, MMM 20