306 10 - CREATING A BELOVED COMMUNITY Creating a Beloved Community in the Law School Classroom: Teaching Relational Lawyering and Resilience The work I have done thus far reaffirms three fundamental beliefs: (1) rela- tional lawyering is teachable and learnable; (2) effective lawyering is as much, if not more, about relationships as it is about outcomes; and (3) lawyers with strong relational skills are likely to be happier and more satisfied with their careers. My present focus is on figuring out how we can effectively teach relationship- centered lawyering and what it looks like in the classroom in concrete and spe- cific terms. In 2007, I moved to a new law school, one that had opened its doors less than a year earlier. I stepped into a new role—Associate Dean for Experi- ential Learning, meaning my job has been to create and oversee experiential and public service programs for students. In developing these aspects of the curricu- lum, I have been able to try out ideas for teaching relational competencies within the law school. These opportunities have included developing and teach- ing reflective seminars to accompany clinical experiences and creating a stand- alone course focused on communication. Enter the Project for Integrating Spirituality, Law and Politics (“PISLAP”). This is the moment to pause in my story to note the further inspiration and support I’ve received from connecting with the PISLAP community. Peter Gabel, Marjorie Silver, and others have encouraged me to use the lens of creating a beloved community in law to situate my relational lawyering project. In Imagine Law,!? Gabel states, “We are first of all connected --. [and] we are but unique incarnations of a spiritual force that unites us....” This is the definition of spirituality that resonates for me as well—spirituality as community and con- nection. By defining spirituality in this way, Gabel’s work has helped me embrace the idea of a spiritual dimension to law Practice and teaching. I agree with his vision that legal culture should aspire to be a spiritual practice in which the community heals itself and tediscovers a sense of compassionate and car- ing social connections, which then can be reinforced through the legal process.” 12. Peter Gabel, Imagine Law, _gabel (last visited July 5, 2016), 13. Id. Tixkun, http://www.tikkun.org/article.php/nov200010 - CREATING A BELOVED COMMUNITY 307 As he states, “[t]his requires that law’s primary focus no longer be judgment directed toward divided individuals, but the healing of wounds to the connec- tion that is to be restored.” Gabel’s notion that the role of lawyers must be Teconceived as a “calling” rather than a trade also supports the notion of beloved community, “Lawyers must reconceive of themselves as healers—that is, as spiritual actors whose aim isto reconcile the goals of their clients with the creation of a loving world”! From the first day in school, he suggests, law students should be taught to engage every human situation with which they are confronted $0 as to create a better, more spiritually connected world.!6 Peter Gabel’s ideas echo the contributions of Rabbi Michael Lerner, whose groundbreaking work was part of the early foundations of PISLAP. Rabbi Lerner identifies the ideas of community and connection with what he calls being a “spiritual progressive” He says this new bottom line maximizes love, caring, kindness, generosity, and ethical and ecologically sensitive behavior, and enhances both our capacity to respond to others as embodiments of the sacred and to the universe with awe, wonder, and radical amazement at the grandeur and mystery of all being.'” ‘The writings of Gabel and Lerner show relational lawyering fits into a broader vision of beloved community. Their work and the voices of others associated with PISLAP have encouraged me to embrace the spiritual dimen- sion of teaching relational lawyering as an integral part of creating a beloved community in and through law and legal education. Challenges to Relational Lawyering - and Creating a Beloved Legal Community and Classroom dents Numerous critiques of legal education make the case that teaching aoe heal to be relational is especially difficult within the highly compe —__ 14. Id. 15. Id. 16. Id. ://spiritualpro: 17. Our Vision and Mission, THE NETWORK SPIRITUAL on http://spi Bressives.org/newsite/?page_id=303 (last visited Jan. 5, 2016).308 10 - CREATING A BELOVED COMMUNITY culture. I’ve written about these issues previously, drawing upon the critiques of legal scholars such as Lani Guinier and Susan Sturm, One recent and pertinent critique comes from Eli Wald and Russell Pearce, who assail legal education as only promoting one version of professional iden- ” They describe autonomous self-interest as “view[ing] clients as individualistic and atomistic entities whose goal is to pursue and maximize their self-interest aggressively without regard to others? In their work, they discuss the need for law schools to inculcate intrinsic values, which are directed toward personal satisfaction and concerns such as social justice, rather than extrinsic values, which are mainly about status seeking and accumulating wealth.”° tity: “autonomous self-interest.’ Another recent contribution worth noting is the work of David Shearon, an accomplished lawyer who went back to school to study Positive Psychology with one if its founders, Martin Seligman. Shearon is also an advocate for incorporating positive psychology into legal education and practice as a way of teaching resilience. His current work, which presents a synthesis of much of the literature in this area, identifies what he calls five distinctive challenges of the legal profession and the practice of law?! he says help explain law students’ and lawyers’ greater tendency toward unhappiness, depression, anxiety and addiction than peers in other professions. As Shearon writes, “It’s not us; it’s because of what we do.”” He points out law students are similar to other col- lege seniors on these measures when they enter law school.” Unfortunately, though, by the end of the first year of law school, approximately 30 percent of the students are depressed; this increases to 40 percent by the end of their 18. See Susan L. Brooks, Meeting the Professional Identity Challenge in Legal Education Through a Relationship-Centered Experiential Curriculum, 41 Batt. L. Rev 395 (2012). 19. Wald & Pearce, supra note 11, at 411. 20. Id,; see also, Kennon M. Sheldon & Lawrence S. Krieger, Understanding the Negative Effects of Legal Education on Law Students: A Longitudinal Test of Self-determination Theory, 33 PERSONALITY Soc. Ps¥cHoL. BULL. 883, 894 (2007); Kennon M. Sheldon & Lawrence S. Krieger, Does Legal Education have Undermining Effects on Law Students? Evaluating Changes in Motivation, Values, and Well-Being, 22 Brnav. Sct. Law 261, 263 (2004). 21. Shearon’s five challenges are as follows: (1) values conflicts; (2) zero-sum situations; (3) adversarial skills; (4) necessary evils; and (5) culture. Seligman (and others, such as Krieger and Sheldon) have identified two additional challenges: (6) pessimism; and (7) low decision latitude, or lack of autonomy. David N. Shearon, Thriving Through Law's Five Challenges (2008) (unpublished) (on file with author). 22, Id.at 3. 23, Id. (citing Susan Swaim Daicorr, Lawyer Know Tuyszxr 73, 116 (2004).10 - CREATING A BELOVED COMMUNITY 309 third year.** A recent study had the number above 50 percent.23 Sh 1 points to evidence anxiety and hostility increase throughout law s hook, ind, similar to the ideas put forth by Wald and Pearce and others, law ond eis d to move from intrinsic goals and values to more extrinsic values,2* As Shearon notes evidence shows that placing wealth-seeking above other values predicts decreased well-being. Shearon's work emphasizes that clashes of values arise out of the high level of competitiveness and the adversarial nature of. so much of what goes on in legal education and practice. For instance, he talks about the prevalence of “zero- sum situations,” where one participant's gain is necessarily at the expense of the other participant.?” These situations elicit negative emotions, even if per- formance may well be enhanced by such emotions in the short term. Shearon cites research demonstrating “that many individuals choose to feel anger when facing confrontational situations, and that this emotion seems to facilitate bet- ter performance.”** He goes on to say “attorneys face substantially more zero- sum situations than other professionals, and also face them with a skilled, trained adversary on the other side.” And yet, this aspect of the practice can have a corrosive effect on relationships, achievement, and general well-being, because negative emotions may increase significantly, or all emotional responses may be suppressed.”? Asecond example would be the positive value the legal profession places on adversarial skills. Shearon points out we are trained in how to argue, but we are not trained in how to argue and maintain a relationship.” Moreover, we are not equally skilled in other forms of communication, such as appreciative and assertive approaches.>! Because we use skill in verbal combat as a measure of 24. Id. (citing G. Andrew H. Benjamin etal The Role of Legal Eacation mee Psychological Distress Among Law Students and Lawyers, 11 Am. B. Founp. Res. (1986). ing the Tide of 25. Id. (citing Todd David Peterson & Elizabeth Waters Fo re e Law Student Depression: What Law Schools Need to Learn from the chology, 9 Yau J, Hear Pov L. & Eraics (2009)). 26. Id. (citing Sheldon & Krieger, supra note 20). Logic or Human Destivy 4 27. Id. at 4 (citing Rosert WriGHT, Nonzero: TE Lo (2001)), ives in Anger Regulation, 28, a (citing Maya Tamir et al., Hedonic and Instrumental Motives in Ange PsycHotogican ScrENCE, 19 324-28 (2009))- 29. Id. 30. id. (emphasis in original). 31. Id.310 10 - CREATING A BELOVED COMMUNITY intelligence and legal ability, as a result we encourage law students and lawyers to become more adversarial.>* The heavy emphasis on competitiveness and adversarialism has generated an antagonistic legal culture that has simply become an accepted status quo of Our profession to many both inside and outside of law. This negative and deficit-oriented legal culture is itself, perhaps the greatest challenge we need to address. Teaching and Learning Healing Practices: Drawing Upon “Deep Wells” In order to teach relational lawyering with this larger goal of creating a beloved community in mind, I have been working to identify healing practices that are teachable and learnable among law students and legal professionals, In this process, I have identified two courageous women—Rachel Naomi Remen™ and Brené Brown.*® These scholars’ work resonates strongly with my own, and has helped coalesce my thinking about what we need to be teaching and how it can be taught. Their work encourages me to “dare greatly 32. Id. (citing Joun Gorman, THe Science or TRUST: EMOTIONAL ATTUNEMENT FOR Couptes (W. W. Norton & Co. 2011)). 33. Douctas Stone, eT at., Acknowledgements to Diericutt CONVERSATIONS: How To Discuss Wuat Matters Most XIX (2010). In the Acknowledgments sections of the book, the authors talk about how their work draws from deep wells of knowledge taken from a range of disciplines. Similarly, ’'ve developed my understanding and articulation of healing practices by studying the work of other scholars, most of whom are situated in disciplines outside of law. 34. Dr. Rachel Naomi Remen is a physician who was a founder of holistic medicine. She has continued to be a leader in what is now called “Integrative Medicine,’ the name of which has inspired the similarly-named Integrative Law Movement. Her work has many parallels with Relationship-Centered Lawyering. Dr. Remen, a longtime friend and col- league of Rabbi Michael Lerner, works together with him and others at an educational and spiritual retreat center called Commonweal, located in California. See Commonweal Retreat Center, ComMonweaL, http://www.commonweal.org/retreat-center/ (last visited July 5, 2016). 35. Brené Brown, Ph.D. has written several highly popular and successful books, and also has a strong internet following for her TED talks and blog called Ordinary Courage. See Brené Brown http://brenebrown.com] (last visited Nov. 7, 2016). 36. This is a reference to Brené Brown's book, Darine Grearty, based on a famous quotation from Theodore Roosevelt’s speech given at the Sorbonne in Paris, France 0”10 - CREATING A BELOVED COMMUNITY 311 Here is a list P’'ve been developing of healing practices to bring into the law school classroom and beyond This list has been inspired and informed by the work of Brown, Remen, and other respected scholars from a number of disciplines. 1. Creating Safe Space 2. rei Everyone to Be Fully Present, and to Be Their Authentic Selves 3. Cultivating Resilience by Showing Courage, Compassion — including Self-Compassion —and Fostering Connections . Sharing Our Stories and Listening Generously to the Stories of Others . Focusing on Strengths . Engendering Hope and Creativity . Finding Joy and Gratitude 8. Making Room for Stillness and Reflection » Naw Whether we are law teachers, administrators, practicing lawyers, or judges, we can embody these ideas and ideals. We can, model them and live them in the way we treat students, colleagues, and others we encounter in our daily lives. In this section, I will describe the practices and provide some context using stories and examples. In the next section, I will offer a couple of additional sto- ries from my dedicated course on communication as further illustrations of how I am incorporating these practices into my work. 1. Creating Safe Space To create a beloved community ; ing safe cognitive and emotional spaces. Although this it is important to keep in mind that simple is not easy. in the classroom, we have to start by creat- idea may sound simple, 37 Creating the level of April 23, 1910. (“It is not the critic who counts... The credit belongs » the man im : actually in the arena... who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes S108 atually eae because there is no effort without error and shortcoming, but ho me ti he end the €o the deeds; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at bests A Mg triumph of high achievement, and who at worst, if he ti Se an ou steatly...) Bren BRowN, Darina Greatiy: How THE Ce (hereinafter Brows TRaNseorMs tHe Way WE LIVE, Love, PARENTS AND LEAD Daring Greatiy]. 37. I say this often as a reminder t ‘hey may sound simple, are often difficu! Moments, That's an important reason to “urse I recently took called “Commu nts and to myself that these ideas, thous late into our actions, especially at eee to think of them, as practices. In a damentals” one of the teachers 10 my stude It to transl: call them, and nication Fun’312 10 - CREATING A BELOVED COMMUNITY safety in the classroom in which teachers and students can be their authentic selves is no small achievement. A first step is to recognize that society— perhaps especially our society in the United States—makes it difficult to create a beloved community. This struggle is part of a bigger challenge —to live a wholehearted life2* The preva- lent culture in our society, similar to what I described above as our legal cul- ture —is driven by our emphasis on individualism and self-sufficiency, though perhaps the real drivers, if we look deeply, are shame and fear. Shame is that “warm feeling that washes over us, making us feel small, flawed, and never good enough.” This shame culture creates loneliness and isolation, and leads to people repressing their wholeness. It persuades us to diminish our- selves by disapproving of certain parts of our authentic selves, and to be afraid to show up in the fullness of who we truly are. Remen views loneliness as mirrored and amplified in the medical culture. My sense is that loneliness is equally pervasive in the legal culture, given the law and legal system’s emphasis on the individual in virtually every realm, from the com- petitive atmosphere of law schools to the focus on individual rights and responsibilities in the laws themselves. Alongside this loneliness, our culture, and legal culture in particular, tends to disavow the aspects of ourselves that are intuitive and emotion-filled, and validates only the intellect —just the facts. Objectivity prevents physicians— and lawyers—from finding meaning.” These culture shadows are hard to suggested that another name for the course could be “Practice, Practice, Practice.” The course was offered through the Haven Institute, which is “a centre for transformative learn- ing” located in British Columbia, Canada. See Tre Haven, http://www.haven.ca. For more information about the Haven Institute and this course, see Communication Fundamentals, Tue Haven, http://www.haven.ca/program/session/communication-fundamentals-oct-06 -oct-09 (last visited July 5, 2016). , 38. BREN BROWN, THE GIFTS OF IMPERFECTION: LET Go oF WHO You THINK YOURE SupposeD To Be AND EMBRACE WHO You Are xi (2010) [hereinafter Brown, GieTs OF IMPERFECTION]. 39. According to Brown, shame is universal. We're all afraid to talk about it, the more control it has over our lives. Shame gets in t convincing us that owning our stories will lead to people thinking less 0 about fear. Shame happens between people, and it heals between people. Brown, Gt IMPERFECTION, supra note 38, at 38-39. 40. Remen goes on to talk about how sh vision.” The heart sees below the surface and. talk about it. The less we he way of worthiness by f us. Shame is all PTS OF s an “organ of e has come to see the heart a ks we all can help us get underneath the mas!10 » CREATING A BELOVED COMMUNITY 313 heal and are reinforced everywhere. So, how do medical— or legal—culture? « You he ture of credible people, in the middle you heal the shadow of the eal a dominant culture by forming a subcul- of it, who value something new, who rein- force and reward something that the dominant culture represees"™ And the first step to this healing process is to develop an atmosphere of safet space” —which, Remen says, @ ’ is rare among health profession: it is rare in law school and among legal professionals as w that physicians rarely admit vulnerability or pain, and yet, harmless space and having the experience of acceptance o} ideal model of the doctor-patient relationship.” We could easily substitute the words “lawyer” for doctor and “client” for patient. A critically important place to start, then, is by helping law students, as emerging professionals, to be harmless with their colleagues. 'y —a “harmless ‘als. In my mind, ell. Remen states creating this kind of f other people is the In order to create this safe space, the classroom needs to be experiential rather than merely didactic or theoretical. As Remen says, “It’s a discovery model. It involves taking off masks and showing others both your highest aspirations and your deepest fears. It involves finding acceptance for who you authenti- cally are”? Similar to the medical field, law school and legal education are marginalizing experiences. So, law faculty and administrators need to aim for students to share things they might not be able to share elsewhere because they feel safe and because they are with others who can understand what they’re going through.” Amazing things happen when the classroom becomes a safe space for stu- dents. On the first day of my communication class, we have a discussion about how we can create a safe and comfortable atmosphere in the class, and what sorts of things might get in the way. One year, several students identified as Remen says, is a function of the heart and meaning is found when you see through the yourself apart, makes it impossible wear, through sharing our stories. Meaning, not the intellect. “If the heart is a way of seeing, Peart. The objective stance, distancing ae Touch that touch us deeply. Mean- to find meaning. We find meaning only in the ing is found re wnship.” Rachel Naomi Remen, The Doctor's only thro enuine relationship. Ne igh genuine relations! a ile ra Returning Service, Grace, and Meaning t0 the Art of Healing, WHote EartH Mac- AZINE, Summer 2000, at 4. 41, Id. at7. 42. Td. at 6. 43. Id, at 7. 44. Id. 45. Id.314 10 - CREATING A BELOVED COMMUNITY themselves as introverts, and suggested they might be more comfortable with “pairing and sharing,” or having small group discussions, rather than always having one large group discussion."® One of the students who identified herself as an introvert in that first class ended up being one of the more active partici- Pants in the class. She became the first student to volunteer to lead the class in an opening exercise, which was something I had invited the class members to do, after I had introduced several different focusing exercises during the first few weeks. Her contribution included teaching the class a particular type of greeting and some basic martial arts poses, based upon her advanced study of Buddhism and martial arts. Because of the safety of the classroom, she found the courage to reveal an important part of herself she apparently wanted her classmates to see. Her actions, and, in turn, the warm response she received from her peers, reinforced the dynamic of safety and supportiveness in the classroom, which made it possible for other students to bring themselves for- ward as the semester continued to progress. 2. Encouraging Everyone to Be Present, and to Be Their Authentic Selves The poet e.e. cummings wrote: “[t]o be nobody-but-yourself in a world that is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody but yourself — means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight—and never stop fighting.”*” Thanks to my mother, I saw this quotation on a daily basis. It hung prominently — decoupaged on a piece of wood — in our kitchen while I was growing up. Yet, it is only at this stage of my career and my life I think I can truly appreciate and embrace its meaning. Brené Brown describes authenticity as a collection of choices we make every day, including the choice to show up and be real, the choice to be honest, ‘and the choice to let ourselves be seen."* In order to encourage students to show up and be their authentic selves, as law teachers we need to practice being 46. I find these smaller discussion forums useful for a number of reasons. They do, indeed, allow the introverts a more comfortable space to process and share their thinking. I “also think they serve a similar purpose for everyone in the room. In addition, I find the large group discussions are richer and that students are more ready to participate once they have had the opportunity to process and share information in pairs or small groups. 47. e.e, cummings, A Poet’s Advice, THe Posrtive Minn, http://www.thepositivemind .com/poetry/APoet’sAdvicepoem-html (last visited July 5, 2016). 48. Brown, Grrrs oF IMPERFECTION, supra note 38, at 49.10 - CREATING A BELOVED COMMUNITY 315 This idea of vulnerability as strength is deeply counter-cultural. And yet, we admire people, especially our leaders, when they speak from the heart and take risks on behalf of others. Creating an atmosphere in the classroom in which everyone is willing to take these kinds of risks is a key to creating a beloved community in law schools and perhaps over time, in the legal profession. One of my students told a story in class that exemplified this kind of authen- ticity. She was nearing graduation and, like most students, she was eager to secure a job prior to leaving law school. She had been interning for some time at a law firm and was enjoying the work to some extent, though she was con- cerned about what she perceived occasionally as sexist, racist, and other offen- sive remarks by partners at the firm, At the same time, she knew if she were fortunate enough to receive a job offer from the firm, it would be difficult to turn it down given that she had no other immediate prospects. When the firm did indeed offer her a job, she was sitting at an official lunch to mark the occa- sion with the offer letter sitting right in front of her. As she described it, it became a moment of crisis, and then a moment of clarity, and she knew she had to turn down the offer. During the lunch meeting, one of the partners made a remark she thought was sexist and highly offensive. As she sat with the contract in front of her, it struck her that she could not work for a firm where views she found to be offensive were tolerated, or worse, were shared by those in positions of power. She also realized, because of her positive experience in her clinical course, housed at a public interest organization, other law offices out there have cultures aligned with her core values. / When asked by her classmates about how she felt turning down this offer i . 7 without having another job prospect, she said sheet reeves ia She hoon was aware of the risk of unemployment she now laced: St ange that forted by her belief in herself, her ener fae ae sent she could the support of her close fa! i nent of. outibedoen the ofits she made herself vulnerable; yet, she be ie enced feelings of relief. She relied on her positive sense —____ 49, Id. at 71-72.316 10 - CREATING A BELOVED COMMUNITY supportive connections, and her commitment to a higher purpose, her ideal of finding a work culture supportive of her fundamental beliefs and attitudes, This student’s crisis of conscience opened up what is often a difficult con- versation—the topic of potential job prospects. This is especially so during the spring semester in an upper-level course in most law schools, where some number of students have secured jobs, and many others have not. Such conver- sations are perhaps even more fraught with peril in today’s highly competitive economic climate, which is much about perceived if not real scarcity of oppor- tunities. In this environment, the idea of a student turning down a job offer at a reputable firm is probably a rare occurrence. And yet, we want our students to be able to make tough decisions just as my student did —to act in ways that line up with their authenticity, even if it means turning down a seemingly desir- able job offer. We can help our students to navigate these kinds of challenges by helping them cultivate resilience. 3. Cultivating Resilience by Showing Courage, Compassion — including Self-Compassion— and Fostering Connections Resilience® is defined as the ability to overcome adversity. The literature on resilience refers to protective factors— “things we do, have and practice that give us the bounce.”>! Brown identifies five common factors among resilient people: (1) they are resourceful and have good problem-solving skills; (2) they are more likely to seek help; (3) they believe they can do something to help manage their feelings and cope with them; (4) they have social support avail- able; and (5) they are connected with others, such as family or friends.°* We can shore up our own resilience and help others become more resilient simply by being willing to connect with them in meaningful ways. When col- leagues or students or friends are going through stressful or otherwise challeng- ing situations, our generosity of spirit—our willingness simply to be present with them in empathic ways— generates positive energy that helps sustain them and sustains us as well. One example of this type of encounter happened when a former student unexpectedly asked for an appointment to see me. Prior to 50. Resilience has been a popular topic of study since 1970s, Brown, Girts OF IMPER- FECTION, supra note 38, at 63. 51. Id. 52. Id. at 64,10 - CREATING A BELOVED COMMUNITY 317 meeting with him, I had no idea what he wanted to see me about, Sadly, the student had just learned he had failed to get a job offer from the government office that had been his dream job up to this point in his life, Almost in the same breath as telling me his disappointing news, he thanked me and told me he was encouraged by a story I had shared in class about myself. My story was about how my path into law teaching was far from a straight one, and how at various junctures, I had to re-tool my thinking and make an alternative plan from what I originally intended. He asked me if | could tell him more about how I managed to find my way forward through my disappointments. I shared more details of my story, and we also talked about how he, too, had navigated through challenging moments he had faced in the past and what inner strengths and resources he could draw upon to help get him through what seemed like a resounding rejection of all of his prior efforts. He mentioned he had a sup- portive family, his own strong survival instincts, and a belief he could and would bounce back from any adverse situation; he recognized he had done so many times in the past. By the end of the conversation, we generated a num- ber of alternative avenues where he might find some similar kinds of work experiences to continue to pursue his commitment to social justice and advo- cacy on behalf of those who are most in need of representation. That meeting, and especially hearing how my own story had made a positive difference for the student, meant a lot to me as well. It was one of those conver- sations that happen now and then that reaffirm my decision to be a law teacher. My student’s resilience stems from many factors, including his own internal strengths and his willingness to draw on family and teachers like me for sup- Port. Undoubtedly, though, his resilience has a lot to do with his passion for Social justice, To me, his deep commitment to making a meaningful contribution to society, resonant with my own, can be viewed as a form of spirituality that Creates a bond between us and also connects us to something bigger than Ourselves, The research on resilience supports this conclusion. Resilience has been tied to shared beliefs that increase options for navigating challenges. These beliefs can help individuals make meaning of crisis situations, can facile : hopeful, positive outlook, and offer transcendent or spiritual moorings e foundation of the protective factors—the thing that makes them “bouncy, a 53, FRoMA WaLsH, STRENGTHENIN ALSH, STRENGTHENING FAMILY RESILIENCE]. iG FAMILY RESILIENCE (2d ed. 2011) {hereinafter318 10 - CREATING A BELOVED COMMUNITY according to Brown and other researchers,™ is their spirituality. This definition of spirituality is a belief in a connection to a power or a cause greater than oneself, and interconnection grounded in love and compassion. Spirituality is thus about shared and deeply held beliefs, rather than any traditional notion of religion. From this idea of spirituality, three other patterns emerge as essential to resilience: (a) cultivating hope; (b) practicing critical awareness or reality-checking; and (c) leaning into our vulnerability— letting go of numb- ing behaviors. In addition to helping us become more resilient,® spirituality also brings a sense of perspective, meaning, and purpose to our lives.”” We need purpose, meaning, and perspective to develop understanding and to keep moving for- ward. “The heart of spirituality is connection.”>* When we believe in that inex- tricable connection, we don’t feel alone. So, resilience is about the potential for personal and relational transforma- tion and growth that can be forged out of adversity. A crisis can be a wake-up call, creating an opportunity for reappraising priorities, stimulating greater investment in meaningful relationships and life pursuits, and allowing the dis- covery or development of new insights or abilities. Cultivating resilience is therefore about allowing ourselves to be authentic and to be vulnerable. Our shame culture flies in the face of resilience. And yet, resilient individuals hold onto a relational view of strength in contrast to the American cultural ethos of the “rugged individual.” Contemporary social justice movements express this core belief that in joining together, individuals strengthen their ability to overcome adversity. A passion for and deep commitment to social justice can be a form of spirituality—of a sense of connection and belonging to something greater than ourselves, that requires a leap of faith. 54. See, e.g., Froma Walsh, Family Resilience: A Framework for Clinical Practice, 42 FAM. Process 1 (2003) [hereinafter WaLsH, A FRAMEWORK FoR CLINICAL Practice] (Excerpted and Reprinted by permission in Susan L. Brooks & Ronert G, MADDEN, RELATIONSHIP- CenTerED LawyeRINc: SOCIAL SciENCE THEORY FOR TRANSFORMING LEGAL PRACTICE 165 (Carolina Academic Press 2010)); Martin E. P. SELIGMAN, FLOURISH: A VISIONARY New UNDERSTANDING OF HapPINEss AND WELL-BEING 149-51, 258, 261 (2011). 55. Brown, Girrs oF IMPERFECTION, supra note 38, at 64. 56. Id. at 64, 74. 57. Id, at 64. 58. Id. at 74. 59, WALSH, STRENGTHENING Famiy REstLignce, supra note 53.10 - CREATING A BELOVED COMMUNITY 319 As my student's story illustrates, resilience requires the ability to sustain a positive outlook in order to cope with stress, recover from crises, and over- come barriers to success. This emphasis on positive outlook as a component of resilience and healing is supported by considerable research, We all find greater strength in community than in isolation, by knowing ourselves in con- nection with larger realities. For healing to occur, we must reclaim the things that matter. Being “fixed” is not as strong as wholeness. Brown calls this effort practicing shame resilience —the ability to recognize shame and move through it while maintaining our sense of worthiness as well as our authenticity. Shame resilience requires courage, compassion, and connection, Practicing courage, compassion, and connection in our daily lives is how we cultivate a stronger sense of our own worthiness.°! The key word here is practice. The reason for calling these healing practices is to emphasize that we can’t simply make them appear at some magical moment, and they do not remain fixed. Practicing com- passion and connection happens when we act in caring and empathic ways toward other people and find meaningful ways to connect with them.” Brown uses the term “ordinary courage.” Ordinary courage means speaking frankly and openly about who we are, our feelings, and our experiences. It means putting our vulnerability on the line, which is, by itself, extraordinary. Cour- age is about telling our stories, not being immune to criticism. “Staying vulner- able is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection.” Showing compassion requires us to learn how to move gently toward what otherwise might scare us.° Real compassion happens when we recognize our shared humanity.® At the same time, compassionate people have and exercise healthy boundaries.” The core of compassion is acceptance—of ourselves and ed > 60. See Rachel Naomi Remen, Helping, Fixing o Serving? Liow’s Roa ion de hitp:/wwwlionsroar.com/helping-fixing-or-serving/s See also C&R Videos, Lift on Ue Mobius Strip Parker Palmer, YouTuse (Jan. 29, 2014), http://www.youtube. =Qo00-zidiTQ [hereinafter Palmer]. 7 61. Brown, Girrs oF IMPERFECTION, supra note 38, at 7. 62. Id. at 7(emphasis in original). 63. Id, at 13(emphasis in original). 64. Id. at 53, 65. Id. at 15 (quoting Pema eonness Fi 2002)). . “ela ae lug Pus Sono Tue Praces THAT ScaRE You: A GUIDE To Fearcessness in Dirricuzt Ties (2002)). 6, at 16 67. Brown, Daninc GRrEatLy, supra note 36, at 16. Tue Paces THAT ScaRE You: A GuIDE To320 10 - CREATING A BELOVED COMMUNITY others. Acceptance and compassion can co-exist with boundaries and accountability.* Parker Palmer, famous for his writing about the “courage to teach,” describes this journey as life on the Mobius strip.” The Mobius strip is a seamless strip of paper that includes both light and shadow. It represents our whole selves, which contains all of our complexity, including parts of ourselves we might view as shadows, as flawed or less desirable in some ways. Self-compassion is about embracing our shadows as much as our light, which may help us to dis- cover greater compassion toward others. Connection is “the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.” We're hardwired for connection.’! Importantly, though, being wholehearted means receiving as well as giving. Many of us are willing to extend a helping hand, but we're very reluctant to reach out for help when we need it ourselves.” “Relationship and connection happen in an indefinable space between people, [one] that will never be fully known or understood by us.”? Brown sees love and belonging as tightly woven together.” Belonging hap- pens when we present our imperfect selves to the world, so our sense of belonging is only as strong as our level of self-acceptance. To create a beloved commu- nity, we need to learn to focus—both for ourselves and our students—on healthy striving rather than perfectionism. Perfectionism arises out of our shame culture and is about seeking to gain acceptance,” while healthy striving is about trying to be our best selves. Healthy striving requires accepting our imperfection and practicing self-compassion.”° 68. Id. at 17. 69. Palmer, supra note 60. 70. Brown, Girts OF IMPERFECTION, supra note 38, at 19. 71. Id. 72. Id. at 20. 73. Id. at 25. The Coordinated Management of Meaning, a communication perspective I teach, refers to this aspect of relationships as “mystery,” recognizing we can never fully understand what we are hearing in a conversation. There are parts of ourselves and others that will always be beyond our grasp. Acceptance of the inherent mystery enhances our appreciation of ourselves and others. 74. She says the same of joy and gratitude. Id. at 25-26. 75. Id. at 56. 76. Id. at 57.10 - CREATING A BELOVED COMMUNITY 321 4, Sharing Our Stories and Listening Generously to the Stories of Others 1 am a big believer in storytelling. I find myself wanting to share a story when using theories or other explanations fails to capture what I am trying to get across. In the legal field, sharing the real stories behind cases reminds us law is always about real people’s lives. The law often acts as a blunt instrument, rather than addressing the complexity of people’s relationships and situations. These issues surface all the time in Family Law, another course I teach. I can recall a semester when two students—one of whom was adopted, and the other of whom endured a difficult divorce prior to attending law school— shared their personal stories in class. Both students, who volunteered to present on those topics, made reference to wanting to put a face on what might other- wise seem like a set of legal rules or principles. As they shared their stories, I noticed these students became highly animated and seemed to want to reveal themselves to achieve something meaningful for themselves. At the same time, in hearing their stories, the issues they were discussing took on new meaning for all of us as listeners. In written feedback (solicited by me’), students in the class commented that their classmates’ personal stories helped bring new insights to those topics they could not get out of reading and discussing cases in the textbook. Brown says people who recognize the transformative power of stories, who own and share their stories, are people who practice shame resilience.”® Remen Says stories remind us to listen to life from the heart. Stories are all any of us has, and they are all any of us needs. Stories remind us of who we are, what’s important, and what we might be and do. A good story is like a compass. It Points to something real, something that has remained real over time, and can be trusted.79 The best stories, according to Remen, are infused with deep meaning and are about the “art of living.” Another way of saying this is the best stories give —— . 77. In Family Law, I have solicited peer feedback on group presentations that are a part Of the class assignments. I specifically have asked the students to provide paste feedback ‘0 identify one or two things they enjoyed or learned as a result of the Sint tol 4 the students my intention was to give them more opportunities to support each other an‘ ‘0 express appreciation to their classmates. eaeatat 78. Brown, Girrs oF IMPERFECTION supra note 38, at 41. ; 79. University of California Television (UCTV), The Art of Living Brey Minute of Your Life, YouTuse (June 26, 2008), http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QIxBjIHEhtg.