How To Save Your Marriage

HOW TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE
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Table of Contents
THE PURPOSE OF A MARRIAGE ....................................................................................... 5 ON THE BRINK OF DIVORCE ............................................................................................. 5 IN THE HEAT OF BATTLE ...................................................................................................... 5 RAISING THE STAKES .......................................................................................................... 5 PUT-DOWNS ....................................................................................................................... 6 W ITHDRAWAL...................................................................................................................... 6 NEGATIVE INTERPRETATION ................................................................................................. 6 IMPLEMENTING SOLUTIONS ............................................................................................. 7 DONT BE AFRAID TO START, EVEN IF YOUR SPOUSE W ONT ................................................. 7 A POSITIVE SPIN ................................................................................................................. 7 WORK ON YOUR MARRIAGE EVERY DAY ............................................................................... 7 OCCASIONAL SETBACKS ARE OK. ........................................................................................ 7 KEEP AN OPEN MIND ........................................................................................................... 8 CHANGE YOUR APPROACH .............................................................................................. 8 EXPECT THE BEST............................................................................................................... 8 ACT AS-IF......................................................................................................................... 8 LOOK BACK TO MOVE FORWARD ................................................................................... 9 REVIEW THE EMOTIONS YOU FELT W HEN YOU DATED .......................................................... 9 ITS NOT A QUICK FIX ........................................................................................................... 9 FRIENDS FIRST, SPOUSES SECOND ................................................................................ 9 UNDERSTANDING FRIENDSHIP.............................................................................................. 9 W HEN THE TALKING STOPS ............................................................................................... 10 MAKE TIME TO TALK .......................................................................................................... 10 LOOKING FOR THINGS TO TALK ABOUT ............................................................................... 10 ROMANCE ......................................................................................................................... 11 SEX IS IMPORTANT ............................................................................................................ 11 IT NEEDS NO ENCOURAGEMENTAT FIRST ....................................................................... 11 ROMANCE ......................................................................................................................... 11 ANTICIPATING NEEDS ........................................................................................................ 12 LOVE ................................................................................................................................ 12 JUST NOT INTERESTED IN SEX? ......................................................................................... 12 KNOWING YOUR PARTNER ................................................................................................. 13 CREATE FAMILY TRADITIONS ........................................................................................ 13 RITUALS ........................................................................................................................... 13 ESTABLISHING CORE VALUES ............................................................................................ 13 FAMILY DINNERS ............................................................................................................... 13 THE ROLES YOU PLAY .................................................................................................... 14 UNITED FRONT.................................................................................................................. 14
PERSONAL GOALS............................................................................................................. 14 SYMBOLIC VALUES ............................................................................................................ 15 TALK INSTEAD OF FIGHTING .......................................................................................... 15 RESPECTING EACH OTHER ................................................................................................ 15 APPROACH SUBJECTS GENTLY .......................................................................................... 15 REPAIRING THE SITUATION ................................................................................................ 16 CONCLUSION .................................................................................................................... 16
The Purpose of a Marriage

The fundamental underlying purpose of a marriage is the establishment and cultivation of a household. Two individuals, each with their own needs, tastes, and personalities must come together in the pursuit of this goal if the marriage is to succeed. Unfortunately, for far too many couples, one or both partners are ultimately focused more on other things: their own needs, their careers, outside interests, other friendstake your pick. Its not that pursuing a career or a set of individual interests is a bad thing. In fact, they can be very necessary to keeping a marriage healthy. A spouse who is career-oriented, for example, is probably contributing substantially to the financial stability of his family. The problems come when the focus is so overriding that it drowns out everything else.
On the Brink of Divorce

In the Heat of Battle
All too often divorce proceedings begin in the heat of battle. Sometimes, the battle isnt even over large issues. This is a shame, because these couples might not realize how close they actually were to saving their marriages.
Raising the Stakes

Partners start responding to each others negative comments, growing more and more intense as the argument progresses. One partner criticizes some small action. The next thing you know, the other partner says, If youre so unhappy, why not just leave? To which the other responds, Well, maybe I will! Your marriage is not a poker game in which you should continually up the ante. Learn more about raising the stakes in the premium eBook version of How to Save your Marriage (page 14).
Put-Downs
Nobody likes to be told that their feelings or opinions are not valued. At times, married couples do this on purpose with a contempt thats meant to wound the partner. Other times, this behavior happens when a spouse fails to realize the importance of his partners reaction. I think youre taking ____ way too seriously. In an instant, youve invalidated your spouses feelings. This hurts, and creates damaging rifts in intimacy. You need to acknowledge your spouses feelings as valid. You dont have to agree with them, but you do need to try to understand how he or she is feeling.
Withdrawal
Often, a spouse just leaves the room in the middle of an argument. Sometimes, spouses just flatly state that a discussion has closed and they refuse to talk any longer. Sometimes, the spouse is just afraid of conflict. This type of spouse may be very quiet during an argument. He or she may agree to a solution for a resolution just a little too quickly. This type of spouse just wants to end the conflict, but they may have no intention of actually following through with the compromise. To find out more about withdrawal, consult the premium eBook version of How to Save your Marriage (page 17).
Negative Interpretation
Negative interpretations occur when one spouse is convinced the motives of the other spouse are less than positive. This can be an extremely dangerous pattern to develop, as it makes any disagreement much more difficult to handle. If someone believes his negative interpretation strongly enough, no amount of argument will convince him differently. As a relationship disintegrates, this particular practice tends to escalate. When it does, feelings of hopelessness or demoralization grow. This technique is very difficult to detect, which means its hard to counteract or repair. As you become accustomed to routinely thinking the worst of your spouses motives and words, you may discover yourself slipping into another less-than-healthy habit: youll find it much easier to justify wounding him or her emotionally. You may even discover a desire to seek revenge.
Learn more about this destructive pattern the premium eBook version of How to Save your Marriage (page 18).
Implementing Solutions
Dont Be Afraid to Start, Even if Your Spouse Wont
Some of the methods for saving a marriage are passive. That means you can implement them whether or not your partner feels like cooperating.
A Positive Spin
Instead of reflexively looking for the worst possible meaning in your partners words, try to see things that your partner says in a positive way. Youre the only one in control of your thoughts. You can also sit down and make a list of all the times that your partner spoke positively about you or commented about you in a positive way. It doesnt matter how small or large the issue was.
Work on Your Marriage Every Day

The issues plaguing your marriage didnt start overnight. Dont expect them to get resolved all at once. It will take some dedication and time. There will also be times you will be tempted to quit. Take stock of any feedback youve discovered. List all the ways your marriage is getting better. For two easy techniques you can implement every single day, consult the premium eBook version of How to Save your Marriage (page 22).
Occasional Setbacks are OK.

Youre bound to have a setback or two along the road to restoring your relationship. Whatever you do, dont take these incidents as signals that all is lost. Just move on and try something else, however small that may be. Sometimes, even very small steps may eventually yield fantastic benefits. The less attention, thought, worry, fear, and energy you give these small slips the less they affect you and the quality of your relationships.
Keep an Open Mind

The best way to approach different techniques for saving your marriage is to have an open mind. Youll also need to have a good attitude. You need a solid belief that repair is actually possible. If you think you have the power to affect a change in your relationship, you do.
Change Your Approach

Expect the Best
Expect the best possible relationship that you are capable of imagining. This isnt about expecting specific details in your marriage to run smoothly all the time. Its more a matter of seeing your partner, in general terms, as a loving partner. Research shows that people who have high expectations for their marriage often experience the most satisfying, loving relationships. Those who refused to tolerate negative behavior and gently confronted one another when such actions crept into their habits ended up happy and satisfied as the years went by. Find out more about how expecting more from your marriage can help you in the premium eBook version of How to Save your Marriage (page 28).
Act As-if.
Act as if your spouse is the loving, caring person youve been visualizing. Dont worry if he or she is still grouchy or unpleasant. Gently ask them why, instead of attacking or chastising them for it. Make them a special meal. Tell them that youve noticed theyve been out-of-sorts lately and that you thought a nice treat was in order to help them feel better. Even a simple refusal to jump into the fray and argue can go a long way towards changing the course of your marriage. Dont get caught up in long arguments over the state of the toothpaste cap and the status of your toilet seat. If you really like the seat down and you notice that it is up instead, how hard is it to just put it down on your own? For more tips on acting As If, consult the premium eBook version of How to Save your Marriage (page 33).
Look Back to Move Forward

Review the Emotions You Felt When You Dated
Marriage researcher John Gottman says that if a couple can still look back and speak fondly about how they met and dated, then the union has a good chance of surviving. It is an indicator that each partner still has a core belief that the other person was still worthy of admiration, respect, and love. Reminisce about your dating days. See if you can recreate those initial feelings of excitement, anticipation, and love. You can always recount and remember positive feelings, no matter how long theyve been tucked away. If youre having some trouble getting started, consult the premium eBook version of How to Save your Marriage (page 35).
Its not a Quick Fix

In many instances, loving thoughts ignite hope. This hope can fuel the drive to save a marriage. However, you cant expect conversations sparked by these exercises to provide a quick fix. You and your spouse are still going to have to work at repairing your marriage.
Friends First, Spouses Second

Understanding Friendship
A friend is a person you can relax with. A friend is someone you can talk to about your feelings and dreams. A friend is also there for you when times get tough. The most powerful aspect of a friendship is the feeling of intimacy and connection with the other person. Men and women approach this connection differently, which can lead to misunderstandings. Women, for example, tend to put all activity aside as they share in a face-to-face communication. Men, on the other hand, tend to share their feelings while doing something else. In a marriage, friendship is hearing your partners heart in the way that he or she is most able to share it. To gain an even better understanding of these important principles, consult the premium eBook version of How to Save your Marriage (page 41).
When the Talking Stops

As time passes, some marriage partners stop talking to one another as friends. They seem to put their friendship talk on hold and only discuss problems or issues in their marriage. It is difficult, after all, to share your hopes and dreams with a person youre currently mad at, or experiencing a major disagreement with. Heres another potential situation. Youre involved in a great friendship-style talk with your spouse when the topic suddenly turns towards a household problem, which makes the entire conversation end in an argument.
Make Time to Talk

Great friends question each other. Great friends get together to talk to one another. Great friends stay in touch. If time for talking is an issue, youre going to have to make the time. You might have to get up earlier, or find other creative ways to locate an hour or so each day for just being yourselves. To find out more about how finding the time to talk can strengthen your marriage, consult the premium eBook version of How to Save your Marriage (page 43).
Looking for Things to Talk About

If you need some help initiating these conversations weve included a few starting points. Once you actually start talking youll find a host of other things to discuss. Share good news. Share an interest of yours, such as a good book you are reading or a cool piece of clothing that you are knitting. Discuss personal dreams and goals. You may even recruit an ally in your quest. How can your spouse help you achieve your dreams if he doesnt know what those dreams are? Talk about current events. It beats talking about diapers and cartoon characters, if you can avoid getting into another argument over it!
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Romance
Sex is Important
Married couples in the United States are actually less sexually active compared to couples in other Western countries. The problem only gets worse as you get older. There are usually three reasons this happens: A failure to distinguish between sensuality and sexuality. A couples inability to make this sensual-sexual aspect of their relationship a priority. Allowing the romance to die off.
To learn the difference between sexuality and sensuality, the premium eBook version of How to Save your Marriage (page 48).
It Needs No EncouragementAt First

Early in most relationships, couples know instinctively to touch each other frequently. They readily hold each others hands. They hug, kiss, and provide each other with all sorts of sensual touches. They also talk affectionately to each other, cuddle, and even provide non-sexual massages. But as the relationship continues, these couples often ignore the sensual aspect of the relationship and jump right into the sexual. When this happens, the emphasis naturally turns towards performance, and away from pleasure.
Romance
Being romantic is a state that each couple develops especially for themselves. There is, sadly, no golden formula you can follow, no step-by-step program you can take to ensure your success. But all romances do share some common aspects.
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Anticipating Needs
Lets say your spouses household job is to take out the garbage, but hes been working late. Hes under a great deal of pressure at work to finish a project on a drop-dead deadline. You could take the garbage out for him. That would give him some time to breathe when he gets home. It would give him one less detail to worry about.
Love
Falling out of love is probably the most common reason for divorce. Love is a mixture of intimacy, fun, friendship, passion, romance, and commitment. You should think about this before you blame falling out of love as the reason for considering a divorce. While you cant force yourself to fall back in love, you may be able to improve certain aspects of your relationship that may lead to a return of love.
Just Not Interested in Sex?

A host of reasons can be at the root of a loss of sexual desire, and many of them have nothing to do with you or your partner. They can include: Pharmaceutical side-effects Depression Fatigue Excessive use of alcohol Sleep problems Chronic Illness Stress Boredom Hormonal Problems
If youre stressed, tired, feeling run down or just feeling sick, its difficult to get interested in sex. Your first step is to get the potential physical causes checked out.
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Knowing Your Partner

You may know your spouse very, very well. But you cant make assumptions, especially not about what your spouse likes and dislikes when it comes to sexuality, sensuality, and romance. Dont be afraid to discuss your preferences. Ask what gives your spouse the most pleasure, too. Research shows that the couples who enjoy the best sexual relationships have developed their own methods of telling each other what they like. And this includes both verbal and non-verbal communication. Its normal to feel like youre taking an emotional risk here. To find out how to navigate this pitfall, consult the premium eBook version of How to Save your Marriage (page 56).
Create Family Traditions

Rituals
Every marriage needs little rituals, customs, and habits to give it a deeper sense of shared meaning. Rituals can give your marriage a spiritual dimension that helps you create a family culture. They also help you gain a greater appreciation for the roles you play in your household as well as in your partners life.
Establishing Core Values

Family rituals and traditions help you cement a set of core values that your family lives by. This may also include spiritual beliefs and values. A marital union with a strong sense of traditions and history will offer a safe haven from the turbulence that might tear a weaker, less stable family apart.
Family Dinners
Did you know that less than 1/3 of families in the United States sit down to eat dinner together on a regular basis? And when they do, its almost a sure bet theyre eating in front of the television set. Many public officials mourn the loss of an established family dinner time at a table, where real conversation can flow.
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Their concern is the ultimate survival of these families. They know all too well that families without rituals and marriages with few traditions are the most susceptible to divorce.
The Roles You Play

Each of us play various roles in life. You may be a mother/father, daughter/son, a wife/husband, an employee, an aunt/uncle, or a friend. As far as your marriage goes, your roles, and those of your partners, can either contribute a deeper sense of meaning to your relationship or increase the tension and stress.
United Front
The more you two are in alignment with your marital expectations, the more your marriage will feel fulfilling and satisfying. These expectations include how major decisions are made, including views on parenting or thoughts on interactions that you may be having with your extended families. One simple way of handling this is to agree to present a united front, taking all disagreements private until you are done dealing with other people in your life.
Personal Goals
Creating a meaningful life together doesnt mean you have to sacrifice your personal goals for the greater good. Actually, the culture you make in your home should automatically support goals that both you and your spouse share. The greater meaning you derive from your marriage and the respect you ultimately have for one anothers hopes and dreams will make your marriage stronger. These hopes and dreams can be anything from career plans to spiritual views of the world.
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Symbolic Values
Another way of sharing meaning in a family is to surround yourself with things that represent your core values and beliefs. These things could be literal or figurative. They could be religious or secular. These items are representative of the family culture, or the beauty and endurance of the marriage itself. Learn more about creating meaningful symbols in the premium eBook version of How to Save your Marriage (page 61).
Talk Instead of Fighting

Respecting Each Other
A couples best chance of resolving conflicts is through acknowledged mutual respect and an open, honest discussion. Unfortunately, many well-intentioned conversations end up in shouting matches. It doesnt have to be this way.
Approach Subjects Gently

Some partners experience a psychological phenomenon known as flooding. This term describes an overwhelming feeling that you get when you experience a spouses negative opinion. The effect on your body can be so overwhelming and uncomfortable that it can leave a person feeling shell-shocked. Many people would naturally do anything to avoid a repeat performance of that experience. The more flooded a spouse feels the more defensive the spouse tends to become. A flooded spouse will search diligently for clues that the spouse is about to criticize you again. Eventually, for many individuals, the concern is so all-encompassing that all you can really think about is protecting yourself from your spouses perceived attacks. Many people do this through emotionally disengaging themselves from the relationship. This is why approaching a subject gently, without any hints of accusation or criticism, is so important. Learn how to do this effectively in the premium eBook version of How to Save your Marriage (page 65).
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Repairing the Situation

Unfortunately, approaching a subject gently does not mean that you will guide the discussion to a successful end 100% of the time. Despite your best attempts, you may find the conversation didnt begin as well as youd hoped. Or perhaps things blow up in the middle of the conversation. Dont give up hope. You can prevent a full-blown disaster if you know how to respond appropriately to the situation. Repairing a conversation works best when your spouse recognizes what you are doing. The spouse realizes youre trying to either steer the conversation in a more positive direction or end it for the time being, then responds in kind. In less stable relationships, this is more difficult to do. Sometimes, the air has been charged with so much negativity that any attempt at repair is met with cynicism or sarcasm. Very often, the attempt is ignored even though it may be a straightforward request for an intermission. Learn how to deal with this in the premium eBook version of How to Save your Marriage (page 69).
Conclusion
These tips are meant to provide you with a starting point for a more stable, happier, and healthier relationship. If you find that you are constantly at odds with your partner then you owe it to yourself and your partner to do everything you can to fix the union. Dont just decide the relationship is not worth saving! None of these steps will be easy, but theyll be well worth it. If youve felt a bit more hopeful while reading this e-book then be aware that there are many more tips available in the premium eBook version of How to Save your Marriage. Pick up your copy today!
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