Couple Exercise: Understanding Feelings and Emotions

I. Think of a recent positive interaction/event that you had with your spouse. How did it make you feel?
Using the positive list below, circle all the words that apply and *star* the most important ones.

II. Think of a recent argument or conflict you had with your spouse. How did it make you feel?
Using the negative list below, circle all that apply and *star* the most important ones.

As a result of this interaction or event I felt…

1. Accepted: Known, acknowledged, recognized. My spouse approves of and accepts me—I feel valued.
2. Rejected: Unwanted, undesired, unnecessary. My spouse doesn’t need me—I feel unwanted.

3. Supported: Cared for, favored, helped. My spouse helps me—I feel cared for.
4. Abandoned: Deserted, neglected, alone. My spouse pays no attention to me—I feel disregarded.

5. Important: Significant, relevant, honored. I am significant to my spouse—I feel like a priority.

6. Unimportant: Ignored, irrelevant, insignificant. I am not important to my mate—I am of little priority.

7. Admired: Respected, well liked. My spouse has a high opinion of me; I am highly regarded.
8. Disrespected: Insulted, humiliated, low opinion. My spouse does not look up to me—I feel unvalued.

9. Competent: Valuable, successful, capable. I feel I contribute—I am good at what I do.

10. Like a failure: Inadequate, inferior, incompetent. I do not live up to expectations—I am not good
enough.

11. In Control: Capable, powerful, self-directed. I have the power to get what I want—I feel that I will
prevail.
12. Powerless: Controlled, helpless, incapable, weak. I cannot change my situation—I feel controlled.

13. Cherished: Treasured, valued, appreciated. I am deeply esteemed—I feel greatly valued.
14. Defective: Flawed, worthless, imperfect, broken. I feel useless, of no value—I am the problem.

15. Loved: Adored, desired, admired. My spouse has tender affection for me—I am prized.
16. Unloved: Reviled, loathed, disliked. My spouse doesn’t love or desire me—We are just roommates.

17. Satisfied: Content, fulfilled, gratified. I feel content in our marriage—I am happy.
18. Dissatisfied: Displeased, disappointed. I feel let down—I feel discontent in my relationship.

19. Fair-minded: Just, true, above-board. My spouse is fair-minded and just—I feel that I am treated
kindly.
20. Cheated: Unfair, tricked, defrauded. My spouse treats me unfairly—I feel taken advantaged of.

21. Praised: Appreciated, approved of. My spouse praises me—I feel appreciated.
22. Judged: Criticized, misportrayed. I am always in the wrong— My spouse has negative beliefs about
me.

23. Understood: Known, recognized, appreciated. My spouse gets me—I feel understood.
24. Misunderstood: Misread, misinterpreted. My spouse has wrong impressions of me—I feel misheard.

25. Peaceful: Calm, tranquil, relaxed. My marriage feels relaxing—I feel at peace and comfortable.
26. Desperate: Out of control, hectic, chaotic. My marriage feels unruly—I feel freaked out and panicked.

27. Informed: Aware, familiar, up-to-date. We know each other’s world. I feel connected and in touch.
28. Unaware: Uninformed, in-the-dark. I do not know what is going on. Things feel secretive, hidden.

29. Connected: Attached, close, united. We are joined together—I feel like we are a team.
30. Disconnected: Divided, separated, detached. We are emotionally detached—I feel cut-off, alone.
Share your answers from the above exercise.

When it is your turn to speak:

• Don’t say too much at one time
• Stop after each point and allow spouse to paraphrase
• Speak for yourself, using “I” statements
• Stay on one subject at a time
• Include how the event made you “feel”

When you are the listener:

• Paraphrase what you hear the speaker saying
• Only ask questions to help you better understand what the speaker is saying
• No editorials, comments, or rebuttals--concentrate on listening
• Validate your spouse
• Show you care about their viewpoint and feelings
• Don’t have to agree, just listen and show respect
• Understanding does not mean agreement

Remember these rules:

• The speaker is the one with the floor
• Speaker keeps floor while listener paraphrases
• Share the floor
• No problem solving
• You can stop each other if something is not clear