SEINFELD

THE BURBS AND THE BEES

Written by

ADAM ZWAKENBERG
INT. ELAINE'S WORK

Elaine stuck in a meeting about office health/body weight.

HR REP
So last on the list, after reviewing
all of your physicals, we're going
to start a health and wellness
program in the office. That means
weekly body fat checkins, watching
what we eat, and keeping each other
motivated. Any questions?

ELAINE
(Nudging the employee beside her) Oh
great, another reason to keep us at
work for another couple hours a
week.

EMPLOYEE
I think it's great, some of those
guys down in IT, they could REALLY
use it.

HR REP
Is there a problem Ms Benes?

ELAINE
(Semi sarcastically) No no, I'm sure
at the end of this we'll be happy to
know who the biggest LOSER is at the
end of this.

EMPLOYEE
(whispering to Elaine) That was a
bit harsh wasn't it?

ELAINE
Oh no, I'm just saying that whoever
loses the most weight is the biggest
loser? It's like a... double
negative which makes it... good?
(thinks for a second, and then)
Right yeah no, I'm sure she gets it.

HR REP
Anyways that's it. Let's make sure
to keep people motivated and not
feel like a bunch of "losers" (stink
eye at Elaine).

Elaine looks confused.

CUT TO:
 2.

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT

Jerry walks in carrying groceries. Throws keys/bag on

table. Kramer comes in soon after.

KRAMER
Hey ya.

JERRY
Hey.

KRAMER
Yeah do you got any bread? And some
peanut butter, and some...

JERRY
You know where it is, just go.

Kramer searches for food.

KRAMER
Jerry what's the matter with you,
you don't have Honeybine brand
honey?

JERRY
Nah they started doing that annoying
jingle on TV, you know the (sings)
"Get your honey, for your bunny, not
much money" and so on, you know I
can't take that many rhymes in a
commercial. Let alone a catchy song
with it.

KRAMER
Did you know Honeybine is the only
honey that contains the "essence" of
the bee? You know we don't ask for
much from the bees Jerry. The deal
is we take some of their essence,
and they don't sting us.

JERRY
What you're saying you've NEVER been
stung EVER?

KRAMER
(whoosh sound, hand up) Not once.
But now without having the essence,
I might be in danger.

JERRY
Well maybe for once you can buy your
own groceries and make deals with
nature in your own apartment.
 3.

George walks in, trying to get a taste out of his mouth.

He rushes to the fridge.

GEORGE
I need some water.

George starts chugging water.

JERRY
What's with you?

GEORGE
(Sighs) The kitchen at work has
started using cilantro in their
meals.

JERRY
So?

GEORGE
I hate cilantro, any kind of
cilantro in food tastes like soap to
me.

JERRY
Then that begs the question, how do
you know what soap tastes like?

GEORGE
(looking more annoyed) Regardless! I
now have an office full of people
who love everything but I can't
taste any of it. It's like I'm
eating soapy feet.

Jerry looks like he's about to ask a similar question,

then refrains from it out of confusion.

KRAMER
Oh yeah, you know I've heard of
this. Yeah yeah it's a gene that
some people have that just makes
coriander taste like some sort of
chemical. Harmless to the body, but
it plays with your mind.

GEORGE
Great, another problem that I have,
that no one else does. I'm like
patient zero.

JERRY
Couldn't you just go out for lunch
instead?
 4.

GEORGE
Right like I have the money to eat
out at lunch every day, I'm already
bald, might have killed my finace,
and live with my parents, I don't
need to add another to my list of
hardships.

JERRY
You know Elaine is starting a new
diet for some health thing at work,
maybe she might have some food ideas
for you.

Apartment buzzer buzzes.

JERRY (CONT'D)
Yeah.

ELAINE
Yeah.

JERRY
Alright I'm coming.

Jerry gets coat on to leave with George.

KRAMER
Wait a minute, so you're done with
Honeybine?

JERRY
I'm saying bye bye to bine until
that commercial is off the air.

KRAMER
(Yelling at Jerry down the hall) You
don't want to upset the bees Jerry!
Don't break the deal!

EXT. MONK'S COFFEE SHOP

CUT TO:

INT. MONK'S

JERRY
So you called your whole office
losers?

ELAINE
It was out of context! We were
talking about losing weight,
encouraging each other. I figured
someone would understand my
sarcastic comment about winning by
losing.
 5.

JERRY
Is that what office life is like?
Underhanded sarcastic comments?

GEORGE
And the feeling of disownment of
your fellow employees in social
out-of-work situations, yeah pretty
much.

Waitress comes with coffee.

JERRY
So you get everyone a gift, say
you're sorry and be done with it?
Won't that be it?

ELAINE
Yeah but I need to have some kind of
gift that has an "in" with the
wellness program, and everyone at
work is so expensive to buy for,
(sounding distressed) ugh it's going
to cost me a fortune.

GEORGE
Why don't you get them something
artsy, like some kind of fancy soap?
Heh heh.

ELAINE
Right George, that's what I need.
Not only to tell them that they are
losers, but also that they smell
terrible.

GEORGE
(To Elaine) Hey is that cilantro in
that salad? What does it taste like
to you?

ELAINE
Like a salad with cilantro in it.

GEORGE
I still can't believe I can't taste
what everyone tastes.

JERRY
George just leave an anonymous note
to the kitchen, maybe they can stop
using it so often.

GEORGE
Anonymous... there's no blame in
that. No one to shame if they don't
know...
 6.

JERRY
No blame.

GEORGE
No shame in complaining about a
problem just about me.

JERRY
No shame.

GEORGE
(gets up to leave) Alright I gotta
go write this note up, I'll see you
guys later.

ELAINE
You need to go home to write a note
about this?

GEORGE
I get stage fright at work, these
people would know that it's me. I
don't need them against me again for
this.

JERRY
You know I just go home to sleep and
watch TV with a neighbour not in
tune with reality.

GEORGE
(sneevy) "Good for you"

CUT TO:

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT

Jerry getting home from coffee shop. Kramer comes in soon

after.

KRAMER
Well, I got the bees.

JERRY
Oh, so you ended up getting
Honeybine?

KRAMER
No no. You know after our
conversation about the "essence", I
began thinking. How would I get the
most essence for hard earned money,
the best value, the best bang for
my bee. So, I'm keeping them!

JERRY
(disturbed) ...keeping what?
 7.

KRAMER
Bees Jerry, Newman says he can get a
delivery later today, and they'll be
in my apartment in just a few hours.

JERRY
Bees?! You got bees in your
apartment?!

KRAMER
(talking softly) Well I thought
you'd be delighted knowing that your
deal with the bees could benefit
from this...

JERRY
Oh yeah, sure. I'm sure having a
hive of bees in the building is
going to cause no trouble at all.

KRAMER
Well there won't be trouble if we
keep the deal with them. You know
they say you'll sleep soundly with
the bees buzzing about.

JERRY
Who says that?

KRAMER
The... (stutters a bit) men who keep
the bees. I'll even give you jars of
honey, on the hive!

Delivery man with beekeeper outfit comes in carrying a

moving box.

DELIVERY MAN
Bzz bzz bzz. Special beelivery for a
Cosmo Kramer...

Camera looks to Kramer who looks excited, Jerry who looks

confused.

EXT. GEORGE'S WORK

CUT TO:

INT. CAFETERIA

George is looking at his meal and thinking to himself.

GEORGE
There's still cilantro here, did
they not read my suggestion? Who
doesn't read suggestions? Why would
(MORE)
 8.

GEORGE (CONT'D)
they put a box for anonymous
feedback if no one reads them?

A sous chef looks at George who has a plate full of food

still, they match eyes. The sous chef comes over.

GEORGE CONT'D
Oh great he saw me, here he
comes...

SOUS CHEF
Is there a problem with the meal?

GEORGE
Actually yes, I just uh, I don't
like the cilantro we put in the
food. (feeling awkward) It tastes
like soap to me.

SOUS CHEF
Are you the one who left the note?

GEORGE
(getting nervous) Note what note?

SOUS CHEF
The note about not wanting to have
cilantro on the menu any more.
Everyone else's plate is empty. It
was you wasn't it.

George looks guilty.

SOUS CHEF (CONT'D)

Listen, that cilantro dish gave me
my job security here, so it's not
leaving the menu. So either you eat
it and look happy, or we have a
problem here.

GEORGE
No no, no problem here, just wish
that feedback box meant something
other than to only send
compliments to. I'm just saying it
should really be a 50/50 system.

SOUS CHEF
Well it's not. (Takes George's
plate) If you don't like it, you can
eat somewhere else.

GEORGE
But couldn't you just use less
cilan-
 9.

SOUS CHEF
(stern) I said you can eat somewhere
else!

GEORGE
...alright.

INT. JERRY'S BEDROOM, MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

Jerry in bed, but gets woken up by faint buzzing sounds.

After tossing and turning for a few seconds, he gets up
and goes to the hall.

INT. APARTMENT HALL

Jerry knocks on the door. Kramer comes out in a beekeeping

uniform. Taking the mask off, it looks like he's still
half asleep.

KRAMER
Jerry what is it? It's like 4am...

JERRY
Kramer I can hear the buzzing over
on my side and... did you sleep in
the beekeeper outfit?

KRAMER
Well I figure I might have to
protect myself in here until the
bees settle in...

JERRY
Well can you tell them to buzz down
a little bit.

KRAMER
Sure sure (yells off camera into
apartment) Guys please c'mon, Jerry
is trying to sleep here alright?

The buzz gets quieter. Jerry looks perplexed at how

effective that was.

JERRY
Did you just tell them to-.

KRAMER
Yeah buddy I'll see you around.

Kramer goes inside, Jerry looks confused on what just

happened.

INT ELAINE'S WORK

Elaine is just getting to work when Mr. Petermen comes

into her office soon after.
 10.

PETERMEN
Elaine, everyone is in the dumps.
Why I haven't seen morale this low
since visiting the Gahahni tribe on
the Island of Hebto before a tsunami
was about to wipe them out. I guess
our brand ponchos just couldn't cut
it.

ELAINE
Sir?

PETERMEN
Human Resources says that there's
been some complaints about your
little comment in the wellness
meeting.

ELAINE
Oh right, well actually what
happened was I was just calling them
"losers" because we're all going to
"lose" weight in the program. Sort
of like a reverse negative.

PETERMEN
Reverse negative?

ELAINE
Which makes it... (Petermen trying
to follow) a... positive!

Petermen ignores everything tried to explain.

PETERMEN
Elaine what I haven't told everyone
is that this wellness competition is
in direct competition with another
high profile wealthy industrialist.

ELAINE
Industrialist?

PETERMEN
Macy's.

ELAINE
Macy's? You made a bet on our health
and wellness program results against
Macy's results?

PETERMEN
Have you seen what we've got? A
bunch of clueless whales and
baffoons that just need some pushing
and we could win big!
 11.

Elaine trying to grasp what's going on.

PETERMEN (CONT'D)
But, with this losers scenario, all
our jobs are now in jeopardy.

ELAINE
Okay I'm sorry, I'll figure this out
soon.

PETERMEN
Well Elaine if we don't have any
morale boost by Friday, (winks) you
might as well not bother coming in
Monday.

INT. KRAMER'S APARTMENT

No dialog, just shots of Kramer conducting the bees

without a beekeeper outfit to the music Flight of the
Bumblebee with jars of honey around him.

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT

Elaine bursts in the door unexpectedly.

ELAINE
I need to buy something cheap for a
lot of people.

JERRY
Cheap like nipple on a Christmas
card cheap? Or cheap like the
bottoms of muffins cheap?

ELAINE
Cheap like shut up and listen cheap.

JERRY
Alright...

ELAINE
My office is so full of losers,
that my one comment sent them into a
spiraling depression that could cost
me my job. So I need something I can
give to all of them back on their
feet. Any ideas?

JERRY
Let me get this straight and correct
me if I'm wrong, you called your
office losers intentionally, to
try and motivate them to lose
weight. They then instead take the
losers comment, so seriously, enough
(MORE)
 12.

JERRY (CONT'D)
to put the company to an almost
complete shutdown due to morale, and
your takeaway from this is that they
are in fact, losers.

ELAINE
That's right.

JERRY
And you've learned, nothing from
this.

ELAINE
Listen to you have easy repeatable
gift ideas or not?

Kramer bursts in the door.

KRAMER
Hey buddy, here's your daily jar of
honey, right on time!

JERRY
Kramer I don't need a jar every day!
How does anyone eat that much
honey?!

KRAMER
Well I've gotta keep the bees busy!
You don't want to be around the hive
when they get BBS.

ELAINE
(confused) BBS?

KRAMER
Uh, uh. Bored Bees Syndrome. It
makes them go a little (high
pitched) cuckoo.

KRAMER (CONT'D)
You know I've been watching the
bees, the ones on the outside the
hive. Yeah, yeah, they got their own
security in there. Bouncer bees
that check all inbounds. Believe me,
you don't want to get beetween those
ones.

ELAINE
What are you doing with all these
bees anyways? Isn't it illegal to
store in a New York Apartment?
 13.

KRAMER
It's really hard to say, but ever
since I've got them I've been
drenched in pure bee essence.
I've been making honey, candles,
lotion, uh soap-

ELAINE
SOAP?! Did you say soap? Do you have
a lot of it?

KRAMER
Well yeah yeah, I have a surplus
given the... er, amount of bees I
have. Would you like to see the
hive? You know I'm sure we could
buzz in there quietly.

ELAINE
Then let's (smiling) buzz in.

JERRY
Oh sure, this can only end well.

George walks in as Kramer/Elaine walk out.

JERRY (CONT'D)
Oh hey, how did the note work out
with your uh, defect there?

GEORGE
(ignoring the defect comment) They
didn't take it.

JERRY
(surprised) Didn't take it? You mean
they weren't willing to negotiate?

GEORGE
And without negotiations, means...

JERRY
Total annihilation?

GEORGE
That's right.

JERRY
So what are you gonna do?

GEORGE
Pft, I don't know. What can I do if
I can't make negative observations
in a comfortable setting?
 14.

JERRY
You know it's quite remarkable that
you're the only one in the office
that has the defective cilantro
gene.

GEORGE
(sarcastic/annoyed) It is remarkable
isn't it?

JERRY
Well I'm saying, if there were
others in the office tasting what
you were tasting, you'd have people
agreeing with you that the
cilantro's gotta go.

GEORGE
Right, yeah. Wouldn't that be nice.
Heh.

George stops, thinks, and starts coming to a conclusion.

GEORGE
Wait a minute, it would be nice.
Jerry that's it!. (getting excited)
I just have to make them taste what
I'm tasting! Soap! If they're
tasting soap, the whole office will
be on my side about this guy!

JERRY
I guess, but you can't exactly make
them taste soap...

George gets a devious look about him

JERRY
Oh no...

GEORGE
Oh yes! (rushes out the door) You've
done it again Jerry!

JERRY
Hey leave me out of this...

INT. ELAINE'S WORK

Elaine talking to a group of people with a large basket of

soap.

ELAINE
So to say I'm sorry about the
whole... losers comment, I'm giving
everyone in the office free pure
(MORE)
 15.

ELAINE (CONT'D)
handmade soaps from a local business
in town.

Peterman looks at the packaging.

PETERMAN
Kramerica Industries?

ELAINE
Yeah he's another uh, wealthy
industrialist.

PETERMAN
Well! In any case I'm sure we're
getting right back on our feet after
this one.

An employee in the back starts looking at her arms. Lets

call her Cindy.

CINDY
Why am I breaking out in hives?

ELAINE
Hives?

CINDY
I put this soap on my arm and hives
breaking out, shouldn't happen this
sudden unless I'm stung by a bee.
(starts seeming like she's going to
faint)

ELAINE
Bee stings? Kramer!

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT

Elaine bursts in and immediately starts yelling at Kramer

JERRY
Hello?

ELAINE
You left the stingers in the soap?!

KRAMER
Stingers?

ELAINE
Yeah stingers, you know bee stings?
You're supposed to filter those out
before you make them into bee...
related things.
 16.

KRAMER
Well I wanted to keep the pure
essence of the bee! Jerry tell her
about the essense!

JERRY
He needs the essence!

ELAINE
Well that's just GREAT! A woman
at my office is allergic to bees,
now she's in the hospital with
hives. Now I gotta go down there and
appologize again about this.

KRAMER
Does she know about the essence?
Maybe I could come with and explain
to her.

ELAINE
Better yet, why don't you appologize
to her yourself? This is your doing.

KRAMER
Yeah yeah alright, Jerry could you
mind the bees when I'm gone?

JERRY
Kramer I don't want any par-

KRAMER
Yeah yeah thanks buddy.

JERRY
No no NO WAIT!

Everyone quickly leaves.

INT. GEORGE'S WORK CAFETERIA

George thinking to himself. Looking delightfully devilish.

GEORGE
(to himself) Alright this is it,
showtime! This guy is outta here
today!

George overhears people talking about the food.

EMPLOYEE 1
Oh god what is this?

George smirks to himself.

EMPLOYEE 2
What did they put in this food?
 17.

George looking more proud.

EMPLOYEE 3
I can't believe I'm tasting this.

EMPLOYEE 1
It's delicious! How did they make
this salad even better?!

George looks surprised/confused.