The Post-

Traumatic
Growth
Guidebook
…
Practical Mind-Body Tools
to Heal Trauma, Foster Resilience
and Awaken Your Potential

Arielle Schwartz, PhD

Copyright © 2020 by Arielle Schwartz

Published by
PESI Publishing & Media
PESI, Inc.
3839 White Ave.
Eau Claire, WI 54703

Cover: Amy Rubenzer

Editing: Jenessa Jackson, PhD
Layout: Bookmasters, Amy Rubenzer
ISBN: 9781683732679
All Rights Reserved.
Printed in the United States of America

 pesipublishing.com
 About the Author

Arielle Schwartz, PhD is a licensed clinical psychologist and EMDR

consultant with a private practice in Boulder, Colorado. She is a certified
yoga instructor offering therapeutic yoga for trauma recovery. Her
integrative approach to therapy includes the synthesis of existential therapy,
Gestalt, structural integration theory, somatic psychology, and EMDR
therapy—all with a strong relational foundation of care. She is dedicated to
offering informational mental health and wellness updates through her
writing, public speaking, social media presence, and blog.

She is the author of The Complex PTSD Workbook: A Mind-Body Approach

to Regaining Emotional Control and Becoming Whole (Althea Press, 2016),
The Post Traumatic Growth Guidebook: Practical Mind-Body Tools to Heal
Trauma, Foster Resilience, and Awaken Your Potential. (PESI Publishing
and Media, In Press), and co-author of EMDR Therapy and Somatic
Psychology: Interventions to Enhance Embodiment in Trauma Treatment
(Schwartz & Maiberger, 2018, W. W. Norton).

Dr. Schwartz is a teacher for the PESI 3-day Complex PTSD training,
Certified Clinical Trauma Professional Level II: A Comprehensive
Approach to Accurately Assess and Effectively Treat Clients with Chronic,
Repeated and/or Developmental Trauma. She teaches advanced workshops
with the Maiberger Institute offering advanced workshops in EMDR
therapy and somatic psychology, working with attachment injuries, treating
chronic pain and illness. In her free time, Dr. Schwartz enjoys hiking in the
Colorado mountains and relaxing with her husband and two children.
 Dedication

In gratitude to my ancestors.
With respect for my children and the generations to come.
 Table of Contents

Foreword
Acknowledgments
Preface: A Personal Journey of Trauma, Resilience, and Growth
What to Expect in This Book
My Hero’s Journey
A Personal Manifesto
The Journey of Practices

Chapter 1: The Invitation

Start Where You Are
Understanding Resilience and Post-Traumatic Growth
Healing in Stages
Seasons and Cycles
Mind and Body in Healing
The Neurobiology of Personal Transformation
Healing in Relationships
A Transformational Path
Truth or Consequences
Your Hero(ine)’s Journey
Chapter Review
Chapter 2: Self-Discovery: Cultivating the Fertile Ground of Resilience
Get Your Bearings
Embodiment
Slow and Steady
Reclaim Your Inner Protector
Nervous System Regulation
Breathing into Balance
Mobilization and Immobilization
Grounding
Build Your Boundaries
Vulnerability is Strength
Some Days Are Like That
The Resilience Recipe
Chapter Review

Chapter 3: Transformation: Planting the Seeds of Potential

Expansion and Contraction
Riding the Waves of Change
Overcoming Obstacles
Trauma Reprocessing
Alternating Your Attention
Self-Sabotage to Self-Love
Acceptance and Compassion
Turning Toward Shame
Somatic Repatterning
A Light in the Dark
The Transgenerational Legacy
 No Mud, No Lotus
Chapter Review

Chapter 4: Awakening: Blooming into Post-Traumatic Growth

From Pain to Possibility
Passion and Purpose
Will and Surrender
Time to Rest
Buried Treasure and Hidden Joys
Art and Soul
Claim Your Self-Worth
Own Your Story
Chapter Review

Chapter 5: Self-Actualization: Tending to the Garden of Life

Awaken to Your Potential
The Return
Finding Forgiveness
Coming Home and Belonging
From Conflict to Connection
The Emotional Wake
Giving Your Gifts
Final Reflections

References
 Foreword

When I first met Dr. Arielle Schwartz 10 years ago, she was completing a
doctorate in somatic psychology and expanding her practice as a somatic
therapist. She came to talk with me about supervising her hours toward her
psychologist license. I soon discovered that Arielle was trained in EMDR,
taught this approach, and used it with many of her clients. I liked her very
much, but was a bit skeptical about whether an existential therapist who
dislikes protocols and behavioral approaches in general would be an
appropriate supervisor for her practice.
Dr. Schwartz has since then challenged this idea on my part and proven
me completely wrong in my assumption about the incompatibility of
existential therapy with EMDR as she teaches and practices it. Her balanced
attention to body, mind, and spirit is impeccable. And she is herself a
wonderful example of a person who has cultivated the kind of “authentic
presence” that she sees as “so deeply needed in our world today.”
Since I first met her, Dr. Schwartz has published two books that show
how the integration of relationally-oriented depth therapy, EMDR, and
somatic psychotherapy works in practice. I believe her perspective on these
matters is quite compatible with existential therapy. The following
statement, taken from this book, provides a kind of encapsulation of an
existential approach to therapy in general and not just to trauma work: “The
transformational work of healing from trauma asks you to embrace change
– to live in limbo and stand in the transitional space between the person you
have been in the past and the person you are becoming.” Good therapy
needs to be a combination of safety and challenge–– and to support the
existential anxiety that always arises at moments of significant change.
This book is the third in a series of excellent books illustrating Dr.
Schwartz’s integrative approach to trauma. What I like so much about her
approach in this book is its combination of practical and theoretical
wisdom, human warmth, techniques for working with one’s own trauma
history, and humility. Trauma is not something foreign that only deeply
disturbed clients experience. It is a part of the human condition. Dr.
Schwartz’s very personal preface is a masterpiece illustrating the use of
self-revelation to encourage others, including one’s clients, in their journeys
through life.
I agree with Dr. Schwartz that most healers have also “walked through
their own darkness.” If we are willing to access our own vulnerability in
this regard, we can use this experience to cultivate authentic relatedness
with clients dealing with their dark areas and experiences. We are all, as
existentially-oriented psychoanalyst Robert Stolorow puts the matter,
“brothers [or sisters] in that same darkness.”
Dr. Schwartz uses Joseph Campbell’s idea of the “hero’s journey” as a
motif throughout the book. Turning the deep scars of trauma into “post-
traumatic growth” is indeed a hero’s journey. Part of the hero’s journey, in
most myths, involves a descent into the underworld or confrontation with
some dangerous situation. In the case of trauma, that underworld is the deep
scars of developmental wounds or life threatening experiences. This book
not only talks about how to navigate that world, but how to emerge again
into the light of post-traumatic growth––to come back with the “treasure”
that is one’s authentic self.
This is a book equally useful to therapists and the general public.
Behind its easily accessible style is a great deal of knowledge about the
latest research and interventions for working with trauma. The book is
actually a compendium of techniques, drawn from many approaches, for
working with trauma. There are also innovations that might easily slip by
the reader’s notice. Many of them make it easier for people who may not be
working with a therapist to use these techniques safely and productively.
For example, there is the three-chair technique for working with the inner
critic, which is obviously inspired by Gestalt empty chair work, where two
conflicting “parts” of the self are held by a third part that is identified as the
person’s “wise self.” It provides a safe container for working with oneself
outside the context of therapy.
Of course, Dr. Schwartz is never reluctant to recommend therapy when
the work gets too difficult or the person simply wants additional support. It
is also possible for therapists to recommend this book without reservation to
clients who want to do additional work on their own outside the therapy
hour. Even in working with deep level trauma, there is always that “wise
self” who can help out. Acknowledging this to clients is re-empowering and
a significant impetus to post-traumatic growth––to reclaiming the lightness,
openness to possibility, and playfulness that is our birthright.

Betty Cannon, Ph.D., Licensed Psychologist

Author of Sartre and Psychoanalysis
Founder of Applied Existential Psychotherapy (AEP)
 Acknowledgments

This book has come into existence with the guidance and support of some
very important people. I offer a deep bow of gratitude. First of all, to my
husband, Bruce Feistner, for lovingly walking alongside me on this journey
and enriching my life for over 20 years. To Eliana and Ian, my children, for
being my greatest teachers; your love and creativity spark an infinite
amount of joy in my soul. To my parents, for giving me life. Thank you to
my mother, Carolyn Schwartz, for being the heroine of your own
transformational journey, for being a model of a woman who can be both a
devoted mother and therapist, and for encouraging me to listen to my
dreams ever since I was a little child. In deep appreciation of my stepfather,
Victor Goldman, for offering endless loving kindness, for being my first
yoga teacher, and for offering feedback on the early versions of this book.
Thank you to my father and stepmother, Stephen and Sherry Schwartz, for
your love of travel, the natural world, and sharing your deep passion for
protecting our planet.
As a psychologist, I am continually moved and honored by the courage
and openness of the individuals who allow me to walk by their side as their
therapist. Thank you for teaching me about resilience and the human
capacity to grow through adversity. I am equally indebted to the teachers,
mentors, and colleagues who have guided my work in the world. I owe
special gratitude to Betty Cannon for supporting me as my teacher and
supervisor for over 10 years; your guidance in applied existential
psychology is the heart of this book. Thank you to Susan Aposhyan and
Christine Caldwell for both educating me and inviting me to teach somatic
psychology; you planted seeds that have blossomed into a fruitful career
path. I am grateful to Jim Knipe, my EMDR consultant; you taught me the
art of compassion in trauma treatment through your kindhearted presence.
In appreciation of dear friends and colleagues Barb Maiberger, Robyn
Hubbard, Linda Baird, Nick Kaplan, Donna Daniell, Mary Berneuth,
Shyamaa Creaven, and Marcella Moy for generously supporting me and
wholeheartedly believing in my voice. Collectively, you helped to
encourage the therapeutic integration that defines my work and this book,
namely: somatic psychology, EMDR therapy, depth psychology,
interpersonal neurobiology, yoga therapy, existential psychotherapy, gestalt
therapy, and positive psychology.
 PREFACE
…

A Personal Journey of Trauma,

Resilience, and Growth

In the Colorado foothills where I live, we have a path that traverses an area
of the forest that burned down several years ago. Now, under the burnt
remains of trees, lies a lush underbrush, bursting with new life that
flourishes in the fertile earth. Each time I walk this trail I am reminded that
even though traumatic life experiences can be devastating, they can also
become a powerful force that awakens us to an undercurrent of our own
aliveness. Painful events inevitably shape who we are, but it is essential that
we learn to look beyond the blackened trees of our internal landscape and
trust in our capacity for new growth. The work of trauma recovery is
difficult, but this same work can uncover wisdom and awaken the heart.
The motivation for writing this book comes from both personal and
professional experiences. As a psychologist, I specialize in helping people
recover from the pain of traumatic events. I have also walked my own
healing path. These two roads have converged into a passion for resilience
and post-traumatic growth. We adapt to adversity by orienting to our
strengths, attending to our pain, and taking charge of the narrative that
defines our lives. I believe that we all have the capacity to overcome
adversity. However, this requires that we have compassionate support and
intelligent guidance. Our injuries do not occur in a vacuum, so our healing
cannot occur in one either. Our hurts and losses need to be repaired
interpersonally. We cannot heal alone.
 What to Expect in This Book

I began writing the material for book as a series of weekly reflections that
focused on themes related to my own healing journey and my observations
as a therapist working with others. These reflections explore themes such as
developing resources, building boundaries, attending to shame, working
with the shadow, strengthening your resilience, cultivating self-compassion,
and making meaning out of suffering. These separate, introspective
moments of reflection have been strung together, culminating in a
comprehensive and integrative mind-body approach to healing from trauma
and cultivating your resilience. Each brief composition provides a practice
that invites you to deepen self-awareness by journaling about the theme that
has been shared.
Within these chapters, you will be guided through 60 practices that
illuminate a path to trauma recovery with effective, research-based
strategies that facilitate resilience and enhance post-traumatic growth. The
initial practices in Chapters 1 and 2 encourage you to build resources that
help you feel grounded, safe, and calm. Once you feel ready, Chapter 3
contains practices that focus on releasing the impact of painful losses or
traumatic events. You will be guided to cultivate self-compassion and find
freedom from the inner critic. Through the lens of resilience and post-
traumatic growth, I invite you to see yourself as the hero or heroine of your
own life journey. In Chapter 4, you will find practices that guide you to
move beyond the pain of your past by helping you discover a sense of
meaning and purpose in your life. You become the alchemist who is capable
of turning the lead of difficult life experiences into the gold of self-
awareness. And, when you feel prepared, Chapter 5 invites you to explore
how you can give your unique gifts back to the world.
Reading a book on trauma recovery is in itself an act of courage and
resilience. You may have picked up this book to guide you on your own
healing journey. Or, if you’re reading this book as a therapist, these words
can provide guidance for your work. However, most of us who work as
healers have also had to walk through our own darkness. Therefore, this
book is for all of us. Most importantly, the practices offered within this
book are not just prescriptions for clients. Rather, they will help you to
cultivate your authentic human presence—a quality that is so deeply needed
in this world.
 There is no single right way to approach this book. If you are reading
this book to guide you on your own healing journey, then you might choose
to work with a psychotherapist trained in trauma recovery. Having support
will be especially important if you have never been in therapy and are
choosing to work through traumatic events for the first time. If you are a
therapist, then you might use this book while working with individual
clients. You will find a step-by-step approach to trauma recovery that
integrates relational therapy, parts work therapy, EMDR therapy, somatic
psychology, mindfulness, yoga, and strength-based psychotherapy. You can
also apply this book within a group therapy format to facilitate a healing
community based upon authenticity and compassion.
Within this preface, I offer you a brief view of my own healing journey,
which I share through the lens of a “hero’s journey”—a process which
involves going into our own dark night of the soul on a quest for wholeness
(Campbell, 2008). Sharing our personal stories is powerfully vulnerable. It
can open us up to profound healing, both as the storyteller and as the
witness to each other’s stories. Through my story, you will learn some of
the challenges that I have faced and the resources that helped me overcome
these obstacles. As you read this preface, I ask that you receive this story
compassionately. I ask that you read slowly and allow yourself to sense
your breath and feel your heartbeat. Perhaps you feel touched or moved by
the words of my story. If so, I ask that you pause and take this moment as
an opportunity to sense how the raw, tender, and beautiful moments can
remind us of our shared humanity. My hope is that my story encourages you
to find the courage to face your fears and emerge with your own self-
discoveries.

My Hero’s Journey

When I was in my early twenties, I felt lost to myself and in the world. I
was anxious and depressed. I struggled with my health and sometimes felt
as though I was living in a fog. Initially, I tried to ignore my pain, but I
finally admitted to myself and others that I was struggling. This is when I
stepped onto the healing path by entering into Jungian therapy. Through
dream work I began my deep dive of opening up to the underworld of my
psyche. I began to feel connected to a profound sense of inner strength and
wisdom.
 As therapy progressed, I began to confront experiences of fear that I had
as a child, which were fueling the anxiety that dominated my life. I recalled
how the fights within my home led to a contentious divorce when I was 4
years old. By the time I was 7, my family had grown more complicated
with stepparents and stepsiblings. As a sensitive child, I felt lost at sea
amidst penetrating emotions of jealousy, resentment, anger, and
abandonment. I remembered how my childhood home caught on fire when I
was 7. My home had blackening soot that covered the walls—an external
representation of how I felt internally. I was unable to process the
magnitude of these painful events as they accumulated within me, causing
my unprocessed grief to manifest physically. I had chronic sore throats,
bronchitis, and asthma.
By the time I was an adolescent, I felt immense despair. I coped by
pushing people away, even those who cared for me. My posture, mood, and
thoughts reflected the accumulated burdens of my childhood. I carried
tension in my shoulders and upper back in the form of chronic nagging
pain. My confidence and self-esteem suffered. Compensating for my
vulnerabilities, I began to act out recklessly, which came to a tipping point
when I was 15 years old. That summer, my family and I went on vacation to
a seaside resort. I had snuck out of my hotel room one night and gone to the
bar. This was no place for a 15-year-old; nonetheless, an older man bought
me a drink and invited me to his place. These kinds of stories never end
well. I woke up the next morning feeling immeasurable sadness and shame.
I sat alone on a dock looking out over the ocean, feeling hopeless. I couldn’t
see a way past my pain. Thankfully, the story does not end here. In fact,
what happened next became a profound turning point in my life.
A man approached me and asked if he could sit next to me on the dock.
I shrugged my shoulders. Apparently, he had been at the bar the night
before and was concerned by what he had witnessed. More importantly, this
complete stranger took the time to say something. He remarked that I
seemed lost. I simply nodded as the tears began to pour down my checks. It
was the first time I had cried in many years. He spoke about how our lives
are like the boats we could see on the water. That we all need to orient
toward a point on the horizon or we will hopelessly drift. He suggested that
it was time for me to realize that I was here for a purpose. I listened and felt
a tender release of my pain. He continued to speak about finding a balance
between risk and safety. Too much risk sets us back. Too much safety and
we can’t progress forward.
It is remarkable how one courageous conversation can save a life. I
never found out who this man by the ocean was and never saw him again.
However, he helped me to discover an inner compass that would eventually
help me come back to my true north. With time, therapy helped me gain
traction and create more stability. Although my path forward wasn’t
completely straight and narrow, I slowly began to emerge with greater
confidence and hope.
When I graduated from college, I accepted a position working for a
wilderness therapy program in southern Utah. I spent the next two years
working with adjudicated youth—adolescents who had also faced extensive
challenges and gotten off track in their short lives. Through this experience,
I got my first taste of how it felt to be a guide for others. One day, a friend
invited me to attend a workshop on Body-Mind Centering, which is an
integrative approach that focuses on how the mind is expressed through the
body via movement. In one particular practice we were instructed to lay on
our backs while gently, rhythmically rocking our bodies back and forth by
pressing our feet into the floor. Suddenly, I was overtaken with tears as I
reconnected to a felt experience I had known intuitively as a child. I
remembered how I had coped with my chaotic childhood by rhythmically
rocking myself to sleep until I felt a calm come over my body and mind.
Rediscovering the healing power of movement initiated a quest to learn as
much as I could about embodiment.
As I started on this quest, I left Utah for Massachusetts, where I
completed yoga teacher training at the Kripalu Center. This experience
taught me the importance of slowing down and becoming mindful, which
helped me get in touch with how much I was still running away from
myself. My quest for embodiment then continued to Naropa University,
where I pursued a Master’s degree in somatic, or body-centered,
psychology. The next three years of experiential, body-centered, therapeutic
process involved profound personal transformation. I returned to therapy,
where I released old beliefs, grieved losses, and let go of outgrown habits. I
learned that having a history of trauma requires a slow, gentle approach to
befriending the body.
Shortly after graduation, I was in a car accident that totaled my vehicle.
I stepped out of my vehicle stunned and shaken but grateful to be alive. As
a somatic therapist, I knew the value of releasing the shock from my body
and allowed my body to shake and tremble. However, in the months
following the accident, my anxiety spiked. I became fearful of driving at
night and began avoiding the intersection where it happened. Upon
recommendation from a colleague, I sought out Eye Movement
Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy and discovered a further
unwinding of my childhood trauma through this process. I was so
impressed with the power of this therapy that I entered a doctoral program
in clinical psychology in order to integrate my professional interests and
research the use of mind-body therapies.
Within the next year, I got married and begin talking with my husband
about having a child. However, only nine months after our wedding, there
was another loss. My husband’s brother, a military pilot, was aboard a
helicopter that went down. As if in a dream, we went to the memorial
service, and three months later, my husband and I conceived our first child.
Pregnancy and grief are a demanding combination. It was even more
disorientating when I was told that our child’s due date was the one-year
anniversary of my brother-in-law’s death. Although I did go into labor on
the anniversary of his death, our daughter arrived early the next morning.
She had her own day, a new day. Through these events, I discovered that I
was stronger than I had realized.
Since my hero’s journey began over 20 years ago, I have continued to
walk a path of personal development. Initially, the nourishing and toxic
events of my life were tangled together like a tightly wound ball of yarn. I
couldn’t focus on the good experiences without feelings of restriction,
repulsion, or resentment taking over. As I addressed my wounds, I noticed
that it became easier to accept the love, care, and generosity that
accompanied the difficult events of my childhood. I learned to surf the
waves of painful emotions and embraced a capacity for joy and pleasure. I
realized that attending to losses, disappointments, and the pain of traumatic
events can eventually lead to acceptance. In all, it is the accumulation of
many glorious and awful moments that shape us and make us who we are. It
is important to embrace these complexities, for they enhance the unique
expression of self that we offer to the world.
Through this transformational work, I have also been able to
acknowledge my own imperfections with humility and self-compassion.
Becoming a parent has helped me to accept that I will be an imperfect
parent for my children. I recognize that my parents did the best they could
with unresolved pain that had been passed down across generations. I
carried these wounds in my fears, insecurities, and shame. I can’t change
the past, but I can change myself. Perhaps, in doing so, I can create a
different future for myself and my children.
It takes great courage to walk this path. A hero’s journey is not a path
that one walks alone. It has been said that it takes a village to raise a child.
Likewise, it takes a village to navigate trauma recovery, especially when the
trauma begins in childhood. Successful navigation of a hero’s journey
provides opportunities to discover that we are more powerful than we had
previously realized. And, as we come full circle, we have an opportunity to
return to the world with these discoveries; these become the gifts that we
can give to the world.
I have spent many years reflecting upon the stranger who spoke to me at
the seaside resort when I was 15 years old. For many years, I thought that
this stranger was a guardian angel—maybe he was. He reminded me that I
was here for a purpose. However, at this point in my life, I have come to
believe that we are all meant to be each other’s angels. I believe that we
have endless opportunities to pay attention to each other and to respond
with compassion. I believe that our personal growth is meant to serve a
larger purpose. For me, this involves living with an open heart, being kind
to others, and taking care of our earth. My hope is that this book will allow
you to hear your own voice and align with your purpose.
In closing, I share a poem that I wrote as part of my own healing
process. May it serve as an invitation to enter the unknown territory of your
own healing path.

Into the Light

I thought my work in the world was to carry the wound.
Now I understand, to honor you is to release you.
I release the dark shadows of our collective past,
the pain,
the fear,
the loss,
the insecurity,
the lack of trust in humanity and in this world.
Now, I understand, that to honor you is to release myself.
 All my ancestors,
my grandmothers and grandfathers,
all you have ever wanted is for me to become whole.
You never wanted me to live inside the fear,
to remain hidden, or to stay small.
You have offered me this life.
Now, it is my turn to step into the light.
But, sometimes I am afraid,
brought to my knees,
swirling in between
the comfort of a constricting, yet recognizable past
and the uneasiness of an unpredictable future.
How then, do I choose freedom?
Oh, Great Unknown,
You are my source of wisdom.
I bow to you.
You are here to help me grow,
to learn how to trust in this moment.
I sit at your feet,
a child of the world,
with a soft smile,
and an open heart.
It is my turn to step into the light.

A Personal Manifesto

A personal manifesto is a statement of values, beliefs, and intentions that

provide a guiding compass for life. You will have an opportunity to write
your own personal manifesto at the conclusion of this book. To conclude
this preface, I share my own personal manifesto with you. These are the
principles that provide the motivation for this book. Thank you in advance
for allowing me to be your guide.

I treat myself and others with kindness, care, and respect. I attend to
my emotional and mental well-being by being vulnerable enough to
express my feelings and talk through difficult moments in life. I
believe that all experiences, including the challenging ones, offer
opportunities for growth and learning. I listen with care to the
concerns or distress of others and respond with empathy by
speaking from my heart. I live with integrity by admitting when I am
wrong, asking for feedback from others, taking responsibility for
ways that I have hurt others, and making amends whenever
possible. I tread lightly by attending to the impact of my human
footprint upon our earth. I am willing to learn from my mistakes. I
protect myself and honor my sensitivity by honoring my boundaries
and saying “no” as needed. I trust my intuition and listen to my
inner voice. I focus on living in the present and offer my presence to
the world. I engage in actions that enhance my physical, mental,
emotional, social, and spiritual resilience each and every day. I
consciously savor the pleasurable moments of life by taking time to
be grateful and allowing myself to express joy, excitement, and
happiness. I am willing to try new things even if I feel afraid. I know
my worth and express my strengths while encouraging others to do
the same. I welcome guidance and support in my life and gratefully
offer guidance and support for others.
 The Journey of Practices

1: Mindfulness of the Moment

2: Reflecting on Resilience
3: Understanding the Path Ahead
4: The Seasons of Change
5: Self-Awareness of Symptoms
6: The 6 Rs of Healing Trauma
7: Therapy and the Healing Relationship
8: Relating to Change
9: Recognize and Replace Healing Myths
10: Hearing the Call
11: Reflect on Your Past
12: Orient to Your Present Circumstances
13: Looking Ahead to the Future
14: Sensing Your Body
15: Safe or Peaceful Place
16: Identify Your Allies
17: Create Your Container
18: Feeling Protected
19: Orienting to Safety
20: Balanced Breath
21: Relaxing Breath
22: Invigorating Breath
23: Reclaiming Safety in Mind and Body
24: Grounding into the Floor
25: Grounding in Nature
26: Grounding in Relationships
27: Body Awareness of Boundaries
28: Embracing Authenticity
29: Self-Acceptance
30: Create Your Resilience Recipe
31: Explore Your Window of Tolerance
32: Build Tolerance for Your Emotions
33: Develop an Empowerment Resource
34: Reprocessing the Past
35: Pendulation
36: Dialogue with Your Inner Critic
37: Self-Compassion
38: Embodied Compassion for Shame
39: Healing Through Movement
40: Working with a Story Memory
41: Working with an Unknown Memory
42: Transgenerational Healing
43: Working with the Shadow
44: Making Meaning Out of Suffering
45: Identifying Your Values
46: Exploring Your Strengths
47: Setting Your Intention
48: Relax and Restore
49: Enhancing Positive Emotions
50: Growing Through Gratitude
51: Creative Self-Expression
52: Claim Your Worth
53: Write Your Hero(ine)’s Journey
54: Create a Personal Meditation Practice
55: Loving-Kindness Meditation
56: The Forgiveness Letter
57: Giving and Receiving Support
58: Nonviolent Communication
59: Asking for Feedback
60: Write Your Personal Manifesto
 CHAPTER 1
…

The Invitation

Traumatic life events come in many forms. Trauma can occur as a result
of being raped, being in a car accident, having been a combat soldier, or
having been exposed to an act of violence or terrorism. It can arise as a
result of the death of a loved one or the end of a relationship. The
experience of childhood abuse, neglect, or exposure to domestic violence
can lead to relentless traumatic stress as well. Trauma can also occur as a
result of environmental events that are increasingly occurring as part of
climate change, such as a fires or floods. Or, in our complex political
climate, trauma can result from the ongoing cultural barriers that many
individuals must face, such as the stress of discrimination, oppression, or
threats of deportation. There are also times when the causes of trauma
symptoms are more difficult to understand. The traumatic event may have
happened when someone was very young or it may have been shrouded in
secrecy. Or it may have involved a series of small and almost imperceptible
injuries that created an accumulated burden on the self.
Regardless of the source of the trauma, it is important to realize that the
very definition of trauma assumes that the person experiencing it did not
have the resources to handle the situation at the time that it occurred.
Trauma makes people feel powerless, helpless, and groundless. It interferes
with their ability to feel real in body and mind, and it disrupts their very
sense of existence (Winnicott, 1990). If this distress remains unprocessed, it
can lead to the development of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD),
which is associated with intrusive symptoms (e.g., nightmares, flashbacks),
distorted beliefs surrounding the trauma, hyperarousal, and avoidance of
people or places connected to the trauma. When trauma occurs as a result of
chronic, repeated, and ongoing traumatic events—particularly in childhood
or early adolescence—it can also result in complex PTSD (Schwartz, 2016),
which involves more severe and widespread psychological harm.
If you have experienced trauma, then you may have developed defenses
to protect you from feeling your pain. Protective defenses take many forms.
You may minimize your pain and pretend that you are fine when you aren’t.
Or you may wear armor in the form of tension in your body, which helps
you to build strong walls around your most vulnerable feelings. You may
also protect yourself by pushing away those who care about you when they
get too close. Or perhaps you carry inaccurate beliefs about yourself, such
as “I’m not enough,” “I’m unworthy,” or “I’m too much.” These defense
mechanisms can also take the form of becoming overly self-reliant or,
conversely, overly dependent on others.
Over time, the accumulation of these protective defenses can lead you
to feel depressed, hopeless, helpless, or shut down. It is important to have
support to work through the shakiness, panic, grief, disorientation, or
numbness that arises as a result of traumatic events. Without sufficient
support, the distressing symptoms will typically persist until you have an
opportunity to process your experiences. Getting support often involves
finding a therapist whom you trust to help you work through difficult
memories and emotions. It is important to have hope and to know that
experiencing a loss or traumatic event does not mean that you are destined
to live a life of despair. You have the capacity to be resilient and
courageous in the face of difficult life events. You can cultivate a
meaningful, purposeful life.
This chapter provides you with an overview of the stages of healing,
from the initial steps of self-awareness to the transformational work of
trauma processing, and eventually toward awakening you to your potential.
Acknowledging that you feel stuck is an important first step in asserting
your readiness to heal. However, a healing journey is not linear. You might
take a circuitous path, forging new trails as you loop around landmarks until
they become familiar. While you may initially endeavor to find the end, you
might discover that a healing journey is vast and unlimited. Nonetheless,
you must start where you are. Each step of this guided journey is
accomplished by focusing on the present moment, bringing awareness to
your sensations, attending to your inner experience, and remembering to
breathe. With that in mind, we begin. You have received the invitation. Are
you ready to embark upon your hero’s journey?

Start Where You Are

In our modern, fast-paced world, autopilot can easily take over. We

mindlessly multitask our way through the day while texting and scrolling
through social media. We head from work to the gym and eat on the go. In
contrast, to “start where you are” encourages you to live in the present
moment. In Buddhism, this practice is referred to as beginner’s mind, which
involves cultivating an attitude of openness and a willingness to learn as if
each moment is new and fresh. You develop such a state by slowing down,
focusing on the sensory details of your environment, bringing awareness to
your body, and noticing your breath.
To “start where you are” can become a daily mindfulness practice
that builds a foundation of presence within you. You can start cultivating
this practice by noticing the moment-to-moment changes in your thoughts,
emotions, and sensations. Such awareness allows you recognize and attend
to your emotional and physical needs as they occur. In this mindful pause,
you learn to become curious about what best serves you right now. With
this awareness, you may be more likely to put down your phone, go for a
walk, reach out to a friend, or simply focus on eating your dinner without
any distractions.
Mindfulness is not a religion, nor is it a forced activity. Being mindful is
not about becoming enlightened, nor is it driven by an agenda. Rather,
mindfulness asks you to reflect on yourself, your choices, and your
interactions without judgment. It involves observing your experiences
without labeling them as “good” or “bad.” Mindfulness is about
acknowledging things just as they are. Approach this practice with patience
and without pressure to be perfect. By adopting a nonjudgmental stance,
you can view your strengths and vulnerabilities with equal acceptance—
with the recognition that you are imperfectly and beautifully human.
 

1.
Mindfulness of the Moment
Take the next several minutes to cultivate an attitude of mindful
awareness. Be curious and nonjudgmental about your experiences.
What are the thoughts that you are having? Are you experiencing any
emotions? What sensations are you noticing in your body right now?
How is your breath moving through you? Do you feel energized or
fatigued? If your mind is wandering (as minds inevitably do), notice
where it takes you. Are you distracted by thoughts of the past or the
future? That is okay. If possible, bring your attention back to your
breath and to your sensations.
There is no right or wrong response to this practice. This is just
one moment in time. No single moment can define the totality of you.
Take a few minutes to write about your observations on the following
lines. You can return to this practice each and every day.

________________________________________________________
____

Each day is an opportunity to begin again, to start where I am.

Understanding Resilience and Post-Traumatic Growth

Resilience is defined as the ability to flexibly adapt to challenging, adverse,
or traumatic life events (Luthar, 2003). This ability to “bounce back” from
traumatic events is deeply connected to having the opportunity to work
through difficult life experiences, as growth and wisdom can be gained out
of the darkness. Resilience is not a trait that you either have or do not have;
rather, it is a set of strategies that can be learned and practiced (Maddi,
2013). Importantly, resilience is also not the same as optimism. In fact,
being overly focused on positivity and happiness has its drawbacks.
Sometimes, trying to stay positive can override your authentic feelings and
leave you feeling ashamed about the very symptoms that require
compassionate and caring attention.
Rather, resilience is grounded in realistic optimism, which involves
maintaining a positive outlook on life while simultaneously acknowledging
the challenges that will occur along the way. Too much realism can lead to
skepticism or negativity, which can squash your dreams and hinder your
ability to move forward. Similarly, too much optimism can result in fantasy
or idealism, which can cause you to turn a blind eye to actual barriers that
are present in your life. In contrast, realistic optimism allows you to have
your dreams while also setting attainable goals about how to achieve them.
From here you are better able to acknowledge any potential barriers that
might get in the way without becoming immobilized. Having a hopeful
perspective is invaluable in trauma recovery, and realistic optimism will
help you take the necessary steps to walk the healing path.
You can foster resilience by focusing your attention to that which
supports your physical, mental, emotional, social, and spiritual well-being
(McGonigal, 2015). You can build physical resilience by getting enough
exercise, eating a healthy diet, and attending to the impact that traumatic
life events have had on your body. You can build mental resilience by
adopting a mindset that recognizes your capacity to grow, even through
challenges. You can build emotional resilience by processing traumatic
events in therapy and through personal journaling. You can build social
resilience by staying connected to other people instead of isolating. You can
build spiritual resilience by attending to a deeper sense of personal meaning
and purpose. Most importantly, you support your resilience with the
belief that your choices and behaviors make a difference in the outcome
of your life. This gives you the confidence that you are in charge of
actively creating opportunities that allow you to overcome barriers in your
life.
Resilience is both a process and an outcome. As a process, resilience
involves engaging in behaviors that support your well-being each and every
day. For example, you might go to therapy, learn to meditate, write in a
journal, take daily walks in nature, or develop a creative practice. In doing
so, you learn to turn toward uncomfortable emotions and sensations. You
have an opportunity to realize that feeling and expressing painful emotions
is part of the path of self-discovery. Being resilient does not mean that you
won’t experience difficulty. Rather, it means that you can cultivate the skills
needed to respond effectively to difficult experiences. You learn to break
down overwhelming experiences into smaller, more accessible chunks,
which allows you to gradually process painful events. You learn to attend to
difficult life events of your past without allowing your history to define
you. In this way, you expand your lens to focus on possibilities instead of
just problems.
As an outcome, resilience involves experiencing yourself as capable of
handling life’s challenges and the choices you’ve made that determine the
outcome of your life. You are able to look at your most difficult events and
say, “This happened to me—and it is over now.” Turning toward pain builds
character. It provides you with an opportunity to realize that you are
stronger than you previously believed, which facilitates post-traumatic
growth (Tedeschi et al., 2018). As you feel stronger, you are more likely to
see yourself as able to bring your gifts and contributions to the world. In
turn, you are more likely to accept yourself as you are, have an increased
appreciation for life, develop new interests or passions, and discover a new
spiritual framework for your life. Just as the phoenix rises from the ashes,
you have the capacity to rise again.
 

2.
Reflecting on Resilience
Take some time to reflect upon and write about your own resilience
and post-traumatic growth. In what ways do you already feel capable
of handling the challenges that you have faced in your life? Do you
have a tendency to isolate or do you reach out when you feel
vulnerable? Do you notice that you have difficulty maintaining a
hopeful outlook in your life? Do you believe that your decisions and
actions make a difference? What additional supports do you need to
help you respond in a flexible or adaptive manner to the challenges in
your life?

________________________________________________________
____

I am capable of growth, even in the face of challenge. I am resilient.

Healing in Stages

Traumatic events tend to evoke profound questions. Perhaps you wonder

why things happened or why you responded the way that you did. Maybe
you don’t understand why you are still reacting to something that happened
a long time ago. Or you might question whether you can stay open to life
knowing that loss or pain can and will happen again. You can find
resolution with these questions and get on the path to healing by seeking out
trauma treatment, which occurs in three stages (Herman, 1992).
The first stage involves developing the resources to handle challenging
emotions, disturbing symptoms, and distressing memories. The goal is to
reestablish a sense of safety and stability. Perhaps you feel stuck in high
alert, unable to relax, or locked down in exhaustion. These symptoms
indicate that you need resources to stabilize your symptoms and restore a
sense of safety in the here-and-now. Resources include the people and
personal practices that help you feel confident, calm, clear, grounded,
empowered, and supported. Within this book, you will find practices to help
you find stability as you prepare to process traumatic experiences.
The second stage of trauma treatment involves processing the
emotions, sensations, memories, and beliefs associated with the trauma.
The goal is to restructure the role that the trauma has played in your
life and, in turn, lessen its emotional impact. Most often, this requires a
supportive relationship with a psychotherapist who is trained in working
with trauma. By processing the traumatic event, you free yourself from the
negative beliefs, emotions, and somatic experiences associated with the
trauma. Working through traumatic events can feel as though you are
walking into a transformational fire. This fire has the power to help you
burn away limiting beliefs and unhealthy behaviors. It is normal to feel
afraid of this process. Therefore, the practices in this book will help you to
let go of your defenses at a pace that you can tolerate. In time, you can learn
to trust that releasing these remnants of your painful past allows for new
growth.
The third stage of trauma recovery focuses on creating a new sense of
self that is not defined by the trauma. The goal is to reconnect with other
people, engage in meaningful activities, and lead a life worth living.
Although this is where traditional trauma therapy comes to a close, this
book invites you to walk further on the transformational path by reflecting
on your values, passions, and purpose. For example, you might feel a
longing to open yourself up in relationships, to share the knowledge you
have gained by mentoring others, or to give back by contributing to society.
Here lies the intersection between personal healing, the well-being of your
community, and the health of our planet.
 It is important to remember that the healing path is not linear. There is
no stage of trauma recovery that is better or worse than any other. Healing
does not exist on a hierarchy, and there is no rush to a finish line. Moreover,
growth is often uneven. You might discover parts of yourself that feel
tender and in need of care, whereas other more resolved parts are ready to
expand and grow.
 

3.
Understanding the Path Ahead
Reflect upon your own relationship to the stages of healing from
trauma. Are you currently feeling overwhelmed or in the midst of a
crisis? If so, you will want to take your time getting support and
building your resources. Alternatively, perhaps you have established a
feeling of stability and are ready to work with your traumatic
memories. Perhaps you are at a stage where you feel ready to spread
your wings and fly. Or maybe you find yourself relating to more than
one stage. This is equally valid. Take several minutes to reflect upon
and write about your relationship to these stages of growth.

________________________________________________________
____

I can heal, one step at a time.

Seasons and Cycles

The seasons in our natural world offer many rich metaphors for healing.
These seasons exist around you and within you. Once again, we see that
each stage of growth has its own timing. Recognizing these rhythms and
cycles can help you orient to the tasks of growth and change.
 Autumn can be seen as an invitation to let go and release that which no
longer serves you, like the trees releasing the leaves from last season. If you
are in a personal season of autumn, then you might discover that it is time
to let go of something that is preventing you from growing. Perhaps this is a
time to let go of the beliefs or behaviors that keep you small, such as
doubting your self-worth or living inside of fear. These beliefs may have
once helped you survive, but they are no longer needed.
Winter asks you to embrace the darkness and to connect internally with
yourself. If you are in a personal season of winter, then you might feel
drawn to honor your need for stillness and quiet. Like the bear in
hibernation, you might feel the desire to draw your attention inside and rest.
During this time of the year, the sun sits lower in the sky, casting longer
shadows. Maybe this is a time to reflect upon your own shadow—the parts
of yourself that can sometimes be denied. This might be a time where you
attend to the pain of traumatic memories. An extended period of darkness
can also ask you to trust that all things have their own timing and that your
healing cannot be rushed.
Spring invites you to plant new seeds and embrace the tender shoots of
new growth. If you are in a personal season of spring, then you might notice
feelings of readiness for something more. You may feel reenergized or
sense an emerging spark of creativity. Sometimes new growth can bring
feelings of excitement or anxiety. You may discover new parts of you that
are reaching toward the light of your awareness. The intensity of this
awakening might evoke a quickening—a sense of urgency as you make way
for the new life that is ready to be born within you.
Summer provides an opportunity to expand into your full bloom. If you
are in a personal season of summer, then you might explore the parts of you
that are ready to express their full potential. This season is an expansive
time. However, under the hot summer sun, everything grows, including
flowers and weeds. Although weeds are not inherently bad, you may not
want them in your garden. Given this, it is wise to choose carefully where
you place your energy so that you grow the thoughts and actions that
support your true self. Allow yourself to shine the light of your awareness
on that which you want to grow and flourish.
The length of time that you spend in any season can vary. Sometimes a
personal season might only last for a few minutes or days. For example, you
might feel temporarily elated and expansive after taking a healthy risk in
your life. However, you might notice a subsequent period of contraction
that can lead to another wintery cycle of self-reflection. Other times you
might be working through a dominant season across several years. You
might also discover that you are in different seasons across personal, social,
and professional domains of your life. These cycles might overlap easily, or
you might sense conflicting needs within yourself. Most importantly, the
practice of honoring these seasons can help you trust the phases that
accompany trauma recovery.
 

4.
The Seasons of Change
Take a few minutes to reflect on the seasons and their metaphors. Is
there a season that most reflects your life right now? Can you recall
times in which other seasons were primary? Are there seasons that feel
easier for you? Are there seasons that you experience as more difficult
or uncomfortable? Do you notice if different seasons dominate your
personal life, relationships, and work? What does this exploration help
you learn about yourself? Take some time to write your responses to
these questions.

________________________________________________________
____

I honor the seasons and cycles of my life.

Mind and Body in Healing

Recall that the definition of resilience is the ability to flexibly adapt to

challenging, adverse, or traumatic life events. Importantly, resilience is not
just a mindset or a set of behaviors. The human body is also equipped
with an innate physiological resilience system, which is your autonomic
nervous system. Your breathing, heart rate, and body temperature are
regulated by this system. As you can imagine, your autonomic nervous
system can function without you having to think about it consciously.
According to Dr. Stephen Porges’s Polyvagal Theory (2011), the
autonomic nervous system comprises a three-part hierarchical structure: the
dorsal vagal system, the sympathetic nervous system, and the ventral vagal
system. Dr. Porges describes how our nervous system develops
phylogenically, in other words, we can observe evolutionary stages within
our human brain and physiology. For example, the dorsal vagal system is a
primitive and evolutionarily older defensive response set that is reflective of
the way in which reptiles respond to threats by immobilizing. We also have
our sympathetic nervous system which reflects how mammals respond to
fear by running away or fighting in self-defense. Finally, the ventral vagal
system is the most recently evolved portion of the nervous system. The
social nervous system leads us to seek social connection to restore a sense
of safety. It is the branch of the parasympathetic nervous system that helps
you relax and connect to others when you feel safe. You know that your
social engagement system is activated when you feel a warmth in your
smile or a sparkle in your eyes.
The Polyvagal Theory system is hierarchical in that each branch of the
nervous system is activated sequentially in response to the perceived safety
of the environment. When we feel threatened, we initially attempt to
reestablish a sense of safety and connection through the social engagement
system. If this is unsuccessful, we typically engage the sympathetic nervous
system, which prepares us to flee the dangerous situation or fight off the
threat. However, if the situation feels overwhelming with no way out, then
the dorsal vagal complex becomes activated, which engages a primitive
expression of the parasympathetic nervous system and causes a “shut
down” or immobilization response to occur.
Importantly, unresolved traumatic stress disrupts equilibrium in the
autonomic nervous system, causing an imbalance between the sympathetic
and parasympathetic functions. In particular, you might be caught in a
chronic state of “fight or flight,” which can lead to high levels of anxiety,
stress, or panic. Alternatively, you might be stuck in chronic “shut down”
mode, which can lead to feelings of fatigue, depression, fogginess,
dizziness, or nausea. These imbalances can also disrupt physical health, as
chronic activation of the sympathetic nervous system can lead to high blood
pressure, blood sugar imbalances, increased cravings for salty or sugary
snacks, obesity, sluggish digestion, and a suppressed immune system.
Similarly, when the dorsal vagal complex is engaged for extended periods
of time, it can lead to digestive disturbances (e.g., gastric reflux or irritable
bowel syndrome), chronic pain (e.g., migraine headaches or fibromyalgia),
and the development of autoimmune disorders.
The good news is that the practices provided in this book can help you
to find balance in these systems. While your autonomic nervous system can
function without you having to think about it consciously, you can learn
tools that allow you to consciously influence your physiology. Throughout
this book, you will be guided to explore a variety of mind-body therapies
that can help regulate your nervous system and strengthen your mental and
physical health. Most importantly, it is the repeated practice of these tools
that creates change.
 

5.
Self-Awareness of Symptoms
Explore how traumatic stress shows up in your mind and body using
the following self-assessment checklist of mental, emotional, and
physiological symptoms. This first group of symptoms indicates that
your sympathetic nervous system may be stuck in defensive mode.
• I find myself thinking about the trauma at inconvenient times.
• I expect the worst to happen.
• I have difficulty relaxing or sleeping.
• I feel irritable or angry often.
• I sometimes cry uncontrollably or feel completely
overwhelmed.
• I feel restless or jittery.
• I feel anxious or panicky.
• I have nightmares or wake up in a fright.
• I experience daytime “flashbacks.”
• I feel “on guard” or hyperaware of people’s body language or
tone of voice.
• I experience shortness of breath or feel like I cannot get enough
oxygen.
• I feel my heart beating rapidly or feel pains in my chest.
• I sweat profusely.
• I have frequent food cravings for sweet or salty foods.
• I have a hard time regulating my blood sugar.
• I get frequent colds.
 • I grind my teeth or clench my jaw.
• I experience muscle tension in my arms and legs.
• I have difficulty focusing my mind at work or in school.

This second grouping of symptoms is related to your parasympathetic

nervous system’s more primitive dorsal vagal complex.
• I often feel tired or lethargic.
• I feel hopeless or depressed.
• I feel emotionally dull or numb.
• I feel ineffective or powerless.
• I feel shame or unworthiness.
• I feel foggy or dizzy.
• I feel disoriented.
• I have difficulty remembering things.
• I find it difficult to talk sometimes.
• I sometimes “go away.”
• I have indigestion or acid reflux.
• I often feel nauseous.
• After eating, I have indigestion or diarrhea.
• I have been diagnosed with an autoimmune condition.

Perhaps you notice that you alternate between these two types of
symptoms—for example, being keyed up sometimes and exhausted at
other times. Take some time to write about your experiences here with
an intention of increasing self-awareness of your symptoms.

________________________________________________________
____

Self-knowledge about my body and mind provides a foundation for my healing.

The Neurobiology of Personal Transformation

When beginning the transformational work of processing through trauma, it
is important to enter this work with the knowledge that change is possible.
Talking about difficult memories takes courage. You might wonder what the
point of rehashing the past or stirring up painful feelings is. Or you might
feel worse in the beginning phases, when you initially start to confront
traumatic memories, and wonder if it is worth all the hard work. You might
not see a way through your pain. However, the neurobiology of personal
transformation helps to illuminate the path to healing.
Research indicates that it is possible to change your brain’s
neurocircuitry, as your brain changes every time you learn something new
(Amen, 2015; Doige, 2007). Even more heartening is the fact that changes
to the brain occur continuously throughout your entire lifespan—a process
referred to as neuroplasticity. What does changing the brain look like?
Your memories are stored in neural networks, which are groups of brain
cells called neurons that fire together (Siegel, 1999). Because these neural
networks are malleable, when you recall a traumatic memory in a new, safe
context, you can change how this memory is stored in your brain.
Ideally, the neural networks of your memories connect across various
areas of your brain. This is called memory consolidation, and it allows
each singular event to become integrated with the thousands of other
previous experiences already held within your brain. For example, the right
hemisphere of the brain is more likely to hold negative perceptions and
emotions about the past, whereas the left hemisphere is specialized for
positive emotions. Neural networks that communicate across the left and
right hemispheres of the brain can help you express your feelings with
words and integrate positive and negative perceptions of the past. In
contrast, traumatic memories can be thought of as impaired encoding of
neural networks. These memories are not integrated with positive
experiences and are limited in their ability to accommodate new
information. This disconnection can impair your ability to be emotionally or
cognitively flexible when thinking about difficult life events.
In order to modify these maladaptive neural networks, it is necessary to
connect the distressing images, thoughts, sensations, and emotions
associated with the trauma to your positive resources. You can do so by
reprocessing the trauma memory with EMDR therapy (Shapiro, 2018),
which helps you change how the memory is stored in your brain. Lasting
change happens as you become more aware of the trauma and release the
hold that it has on your body (van der Kolk, 2015). Working through the
trauma memory allows you to feel freedom in your body and gives you a
greater sense of choice about the narrative that defines your past and your
future. Throughout this book, you will explore trauma recovery from the
perspective of both neuroscience and psychological research. I offer an
introduction to the integrative mind-body approach to healing that is offered
in this book using the following 6 Rs: Relating, Resourcing,
Reprocessing, Repatterning, Reflecting, and Resilience. Let’s take a
closer look.

• Relating: One of the most profound ways that we rewire the

brain is through a healing relationship, one that allows us to
feel cared for and understood. According to Louis Cozolino
(2010), author of The Neuroscience of Psychotherapy, our
brains are wired for connection, are strengthened by
connection, and cannot be fully understood outside of the
context of relationships. Furthermore, a supportive therapeutic
relationship helps you to connect to your social engagement
system. Here you use the resource of a relationship to establish
that you are safe and connected while you work through
traumatic memories. Moreover, through healthy relationships,
we have an opportunity to rewire how the brain maintains our
memories of our earliest attachment wounds.

• Resourcing: The initial stage of healing from trauma focuses

on strengthening the neural networks associated with positive
sensations, emotions, and cognitions. These resources might
include moments of loving others, feeling loved by others,
feeling comforted or protected, feeling competent or
successful, or recalling experiences of safety, peace, or
relaxation. Resources can also involve breath, movement, and
embodied states that help you feel strong and empowered. Each
positive state initiates a release of your natural feel-good
chemicals by increasing dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and
endorphins. Through repeated practice, you can strengthen the
 neural networks associated with positive sensations, emotions,
and cognitions in preparation for trauma reprocessing.

• Reprocessing: Reprocessing involves recalling a traumatic

event and the related images, beliefs, emotions, and feelings in
your body. Doing so reactivates the neural networks associated
with that event and allows you to focus on finding reparative
experiences that facilitate integration and resolution of the
traumatic event (Shapiro 2018). As you reprocess the trauma,
you also have an opportunity to challenge faulty beliefs by
offering your knowledge of factual information that contradicts
these beliefs. Even more importantly, you can arrive at new
conclusions about your past and discover new possibilities for
your future. Once you have successfully reprocessed the
trauma memory, you have an opportunity to change how it is
held in your brain and body.

• Repatterning: Healing from trauma requires more than

modifying the neural networks in your brain. In particular, it is
equally important to attend to the impact of traumatic events on
the body. Trauma resolution involves integrating new
movement resources that may not have been available to you at
the time of the traumatic event. For example, if you weren’t
able to run away from a dangerous situation, then you might
feel the impulse to move your legs when you think about that
situation now. Sometimes, somatic repatterning can result in
trembling or shaking in your arms and legs. This is a sign that
you are releasing traumatic activation from your body.

• Reflecting: Trauma asks you to come to terms with the lack of

reason or overpowering senselessness that often surrounds acts
of violence, abuse, or even natural disasters. It can feel nearly
impossible to comprehend such events, especially when they
are delivered by fellow humans. However, this is the task set
before you: to reflect upon your unique life experiences and
begin to develop a personal sense of meaning. Although
 meaning making is a very personal process, it is also best
served when held in connection to another person. For
example, within a trusting and compassionate relationship,
such as with a therapist, you might engage in a search for
meaning together. The more difficult the challenge, the harder
you will have to work to find your inner strength, courage, or
sense of hope. Most importantly, you have the freedom to
reflect on the meaning that you attribute to your life.
Ultimately, this gives you the power to choose how you
respond to your circumstances.

• Resilience: As previously discussed, the autonomic nervous

system serves as the body’s own physiological resilience
system. You can increase the health of your brain (and increase
your autonomic nervous system’s innate capacity for
resiliency) by engaging your ventral vagal system. When
driving a car, if you press on the brakes too quickly, you will
come to a hard, fast stop. This is what happens when we move
abruptly between the sympathetic nervous system and the
dorsal vagal system. In contrast, your ventral vagal system
allows you to “slow down” when you feel amped up, or to “rev
the engine” when you feel shut down or immobilized. The most
direct way to engage your ventral vagal system is through the
breath, although mind-body therapies such as yoga, meditation,
or relaxation can also help you to simultaneously attend to your
emotions, thoughts, and body sensations.

Throughout this book, you will be guided through practices based upon
the 6 Rs. It is possible to find freedom from the impact of traumatic events.
 

6.
The 6 Rs of Healing Trauma
Take a moment to reflect upon this explanation of the neurobiology of
personal transformation. Do you have an increased sense of the path
forward? In what ways have you already had experiences with the 6
Rs of Relating, Resourcing, Reprocessing, Repatterning, Reflecting,
and Resilience? Knowing that you will be walking through these steps
in the chapters that follow, how do you feel about the process of
healing? Take some time to write your thoughts below.

________________________________________________________
____

I am empowered by knowledge to take an active role in healing from trauma.

Healing in Relationships

Connection is at the core of human experience. We all share the need to be

seen and understood. We have the desire to belong and to experience
ourselves within the context of loving, nurturing relationships. If you
experienced childhood neglect or abuse, this can betray your trust in others
and impair your ability to form healthy relationships into adulthood. This is
because we tend to recreate relationships that match what we know. For
example, if deep inside we expect to be rejected, then we might choose
partners who are rejecting, or we might behave in ways that lead people to
reject us. We then use these experiences to reinforce our core beliefs about
ourselves.
Recall that the brain and body cannot be fully understood outside of the
context of relationships (Cozolino, 2010). In fact, our very sense of self
develops in early childhood at a time when we are completely dependent
upon others to help us feel safe, connected, and calm. Ideally, parents and
caregivers are caring and well-attuned, which helps us develop a secure
attachment. The term “attachment” refers to the emotional security that is
built between a parent and infant, which provides a foundation for our sense
of self. Secure attachment forms when caregivers are predictable,
consistent, safe, and capable of sensitively responding to the needs of a
young child. Of course, parents don’t need to be perfect; they only need to
be “good-enough” (Winnicott, 1990).
But, what if this good-enough situation was not available for you? What
if the care you received was inconsistent or unreliable? What if you
experienced toxic amounts of stress, abuse, or neglect? What if, when you
felt afraid as a child, your mom or dad became angry instead of comforting
you? These situations can all result in a variety of attachment wounds that
lead to anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment styles. For example,
children who had a parent who was unpredictable, inconsistent, or intrusive
may develop an anxious attachment style. As adults, they tend to suffer
from abandonment anxiety or a sense that relationships are unreliable. In
contrast, children who grew up with a parent who was distant, disengaged,
or rejecting may develop an avoidant attachment style. As adults, they
tend to compensate by becoming overly self-reliant, withdrawing from
others, and avoiding intimacy. Finally, children who grew up with a parent
who was threatening, chaotic, and abusive may develop a disorganized
attachment style. Growing up in an abusive household creates an
extraordinary dilemma for a child who is caught between a biological drive
to seek closeness with the very parent who is also a source of terror. As
adults, they are likely to repeat the very dynamics that parallel their
childhood experience. They might choose abusive partners, or they might
act abusive because it feels familiar. These insecure attachment patterns
contribute to long-lasting patterns of emotional and physiological distress
that interfere with intimacy, parenting, and meaningful friendships.
 If you have attachment wounds, psychotherapy is instrumental in
helping you heal and form healthy relationships as an adult. However,
therapy that focuses solely on talking and skill building can be limited
because this approach is not as transferable to the relational world. In
contrast, healing early developmental trauma requires paying attention to
the relational exchange between you and the therapist. When looking for a
therapist, it is important to find someone with whom you feel safe. In a
trusting relationship, you can share your fears, make mistakes, be
vulnerable, and, most importantly, learn that you will not be rejected or
harmed.
It is important to recognize that even competent therapists will make
mistakes sometimes. They might inadvertently reject your subtle longings
for connection and amplify feelings of rejection. Without a relational
approach, though, these ruptures will not be adequately addressed or
repaired in therapy, which can result in feelings of confusion and lead you
to lose faith in therapy over time. Ideally, the therapist you choose offers a
firm commitment to the process of repair and encourages you to do the
same until you both successfully achieve reconnection. This process of
tolerating stress and disconnection tones your nervous system and helps you
to form new expectations about relationships outside of therapy.
Healing attachment wounds also requires attending to the body. Within
this process, you develop a capacity to notice moment-by-moment changes
in a variety of sensory experiences in your body, including feelings of
tension, changes in temperature, or energy levels. For example, you might
notice a pressure building in your chest or a tightness in your throat when
talking about events from your childhood. Rather than overriding these
signals, you learn to slow down the process and pay attention.
Healing early attachment wounds takes time. It is not easy to feel the
pain of loss, rejection, or abandonment. It is also common to feel shame
around these experiences. However, it is possible to heal, whether from a
single traumatic event or from the complex wounds that accompany
ongoing child abuse or neglect. In truth, we all have relationship
vulnerabilities and imperfect attachments to varying degrees. As a result,
we all need each other to heal the wounds of the painful disconnections
from the past. Remember, you are not alone.
 

7.
Therapy and the
Healing Relationship
If you are already in psychotherapy, then you probably already know
how important your therapist is during the process of healing trauma.
If you are not currently working with a therapist, then you can think of
this person as an ally or guide for your hero’s journey. If you have lost
faith in therapy or have never been in therapy, then you might wonder
how to find the right therapist for you. If you want someone who
focuses on healing trauma, you can look for someone trained in
EMDR. You might also look for someone trained in somatic
psychology who can help you work with body sensations related to
your traumatic experiences. In some areas, you can find someone who
uses an integrative approach that combines several approaches.
When seeking a therapist, it is important to know that you can
interview several practitioners until you find someone with whom you
feel comfortable to be yourself. Most importantly, when you sit with a
potential therapist, trust your intuition. While this person is new to you
and it is normal to feel nervous, ask yourself if you feel safe enough.
How do you feel in your body? Do you resonate with the way that
they express care?
Take several minutes to write about your historical or current
experiences in therapy. What has worked for you? What hasn’t
worked? Or, if you have not begun working with a therapist, take
some time to reflect upon the kind of therapy you would like to have
to support your healing journey.
 ________________________________________________________
____

I am capable of finding the therapeutic support that is right for me.

A Transformational Path

The transformational work of healing from trauma asks you to embrace

change—to live in limbo and stand in the transitional space between the
person you have been in the past and the person you are becoming.
Transformation might initially feel as if you are falling apart, like you are
experiencing a breakdown and not a breakthrough. This process can feel
unsettling, indeterminate, and undefined. It is common to feel afraid if you
sense that change is coming. You simply cannot see what lies around the
next bend. However, transitional spaces are also full of potential. While you
may feel as though life is pulling you backward, imagine that like the arrow
held by the bow, life is actually preparing you to fly forward. What if that
scary feeling is actually getting you ready for an updated version of
yourself and your life?
It is common to experience a combination of trepidation and excitement
during a transformational process. Like the caterpillar changing into a
butterfly, you too must let go of old forms and enter into the unknown in
order to emerge anew. While inside the chrysalis, you can learn to recognize
that you are living inside of a transitional space between the past and the
person you are becoming. Living within an undefined and indeterminate
reality can feel unsettling, but over time you become more comfortable with
letting go and surrendering to the inevitable changes that accompany life.
This transformational path might take time, but recovery is possible.
Just like planting a garden, you must start by preparing the earth so the soil
can support the seeds in growing. With proper light, water, and nutrients,
the seeds can grow and thrive. Similarly, you can prepare yourself to
undertake this transformational journey by reflecting on your current
relationships, the kinds of support that you have in your life, and the degree
to which you feel understood. Sometimes you might need to make changes
to your environment, such as surrounding yourself with people who support
you in becoming the best version of yourself. Or you may need to change
how you treat your body by embracing new ways of eating, exercising, or
sleeping. In doing so, you learn to take an active role in your healing
journey by building your capacity to tolerate small amounts of discomfort
and change. The mindfulness practices offered throughout this book will
help you to learn that difficult experiences do not necessitate reactivity. You
learn to become the witness to your mental and emotional reactions and
cultivate a connection to your inner source of wisdom. These changes are
worth it; you are worth it.
 

8.
Relating to Change
Take some time to reflect on your relationship to the concept of
change. Can you identify changes that you would like to make? Are
you aware of ways in which you are frightened of change? Can you
identify the kind of support or resources that would help you feel safe
enough to embrace change? What helps you to trust the unknown?

________________________________________________________
____

With support, I can step into the unknown.

Truth or Consequences

There is a small town in New Mexico called Truth or Consequences that is

known for its unusual name and for the healing hot springs that the town is
built around. When driving through there, I am always reminded of the
consequences that can arise when we are deceived or misled. Unfortunately,
many of us have been misled about the process of healing from trauma.
These misconceptions or myths are not only untrue, but they also create
confusion and can interfere with healing. By confronting these healing
myths in ourselves, we have an opportunity to develop affirmations that
support the healing journey.
One such myth is that time heals all wounds. The idea that it simply
takes time to heal is a concerning misunderstanding about what is required
to recover from trauma. While time can lessen the intensity of pain, you
need to take an active role in your healing process in order to recover from
trauma. This might involve creating a safe space to talk about difficult life
events, to experience related emotions, and to turn toward your pain rather
than avoiding it. You cannot simply let time pass by and expect healing to
follow.
A second myth is the idea that you must aggressively confront the
most disturbing parts of traumatic events by reviewing them in great
detail. Exposure techniques can be too direct for many individuals and, in
some cases, they can lead to re-traumatization. A balanced approach to
healing involves building sufficient resources that help you skillfully
respond to the disturbing emotions and sensations that arise when you think
about traumatic memories. It is important that you feel safe with your
therapist so that the two of you can work together to understand your
current social situation, including the presence of support systems or recent
stressors. This will help you to find an appropriate pace to your healing
journey. Most importantly, know that you can heal the past without
becoming overwhelmed in the process.
A third myth is the belief that you “should be over this by now.” If
you struggle after a traumatic event or do not rebound quickly, you might
feel as though there is something wrong with you. In reality, most people
feel frightened or shocked after exposure to a traumatic event. It is a normal
human reaction. The fact that you are hurting is not a sign that you are
doing anything wrong. Talking about your loss might bring difficult
feelings to the surface, but it does not mean that you are perpetuating your
pain. In actuality, when you have sufficient resources, staying engaged with
difficult feelings is essential to healing. Remember that you are in charge of
the pace of your healing journey and that you can build your resources to
increase your capacity to effectively respond to your vulnerable emotions.
There is no timeline for healing from traumatic life events. Rest assured,
actively engaging in your healing process will ultimately help you recover.
 

9.
Recognize and Replace
Healing Myths
Take a few minutes to look over the healing myths presented earlier.
Use this space to talk about the ones you relate to or to describe any
other unlisted myths that interfere with your ability to heal. Reflect on
how the following positive statements support your healing journey: “I
am taking an active role in my healing,” “I trust my own pacing and
timing,” and “Having feelings is a sign of strength.” You can also
experiment with creating your own positive statements. How does it
feel to release unrealistic expectations about yourself and replace these
myths with new, positive messages that support your healing journey?

________________________________________________________
____

I embrace positive messages to support my healing journey.

Your Hero(ine)’s Journey

American mythologist Joseph Campbell (2008) describes personal

transformation as a hero’s journey. The hero must enter the darkness, face
challenges, slay the dragon, retrieve the treasure, and emerge stronger. As
applied to trauma recovery, we understand that challenging life events can
also serve as a call to enter the hero’s journey. You may feel as though you
have been thrown into an abyss. The dragons you must slay are the inner
demons that remain as a result of the painful memories from your past. You
walk into the darkness in order retrieve the treasures that exist within you,
such as inner strength, wisdom, and hope. You emerge with an enhanced
sense of meaning and purpose, which become the gifts that you have to
offer to the world.
Campbell described the hero’s journey as a “monomyth,” which serves
as a blueprint for many of our fairytales, books, and movies. The monomyth
is described as a cycle that begins with a phase of freedom and innocence.
This period of ease is tragically disrupted by a crisis that sends the hero into
exile. To overcome these challenges, the hero must seek out the resources
needed to face his fears and inner demons. Eventually, the hero saves the
princess, retrieves the treasure, and returns to the community with new gifts
and healing capabilities. Transformed by this journey, the hero becomes a
mature adult capable of holding complex feelings and ideas in a world that
can cause harm. Eventually, the hero comes full circle and can become a
leader, healer, or guide for others.
Perhaps you can relate to this journey in your own life. Maybe you’ve
been launched into crisis due to a shocking traumatic event, the end of a
relationship, or a debilitating physical illness. Or maybe your journey was
set in motion as a result of childhood abuse or neglect. The hero’s journey
can guide your process of trauma recovery by encouraging you to transform
your pain into a source of wisdom.
You might have uncomfortable places that you don’t like to
acknowledge or feel. As a result, you might want to reject the call to enter
the hero’s journey. The desire to avoid peering into the darkness is normal.
It is human instinct to move away from pain. However, getting in touch
with the hidden or unconscious parts of yourself (your “shadow”) is an
important step in healing from trauma (Jung, 1981). Even though you might
want to run away, explore the resources that help you to step forward
toward the discomfort. Psychotherapy, community support groups,
journaling, time in nature, or mindful embodiment practices can all help
you lean into discomfort at a pace that is right for you.
 Throughout this book, you will find practices to help you walk a
hero(ine)’s journey. You will be guided to walk slowly and gently face your
fears. In turn, you will learn to trust in your capacity to walk through the
darkness and return to the light. Successfully navigating the hero’s journey
gives you the opportunity to discover that you are more powerful than you
previously realized. It allows you to feel more grounded, real, and whole
because—in truth—transformation is about revealing who you truly are. In
the later stages of the hero’s journey, you may also discover an inseparable
relationship between your personal happiness and the well-being of others.
In turn, you may feel a desire to emerge back into the world by sharing your
unique contributions with others and the world.
 

10.
Hearing the Call
In truth, each of us faces at least one major loss or traumatic event at
some point in our lives. This may come in the form of a personal loss
or a collective wound in your community. The feelings of shock and
confusion that commonly occur after traumatic events tend to disrupt
your orientation to the world as you have known it. Often it is
impossible to go back to the old ways of living. You have been thrust
into a process of self-discovery and a requisite redefining of your life.
In what ways have events in your life served as an invitation to
enter a hero’s journey? In what ways have you already engaged with
this inner transformational journey? In contrast, maybe you have you
noticed a desire to reject the call to enter a hero’s journey. Perhaps you
have avoided confronting the pain of traumatic events or maybe you
have been overwhelmed by anxiety without the resources to help you
find a path forward. If so, what support do you need in order to accept
the invitation? What helps you recognize your ability to rise up to the
challenge?

________________________________________________________
____

I am the hero of my own life story. With support, I can overcome the obstacles of
my life.
 Chapter Review

As this chapter comes to an end, take a moment to reflect on the initial steps
that you have taken on your transformational path to resilience and post-
traumatic growth. The practices thus far have offered an overview of what
to expect on your healing journey. With an attitude of mindfulness, you
have been encouraged to start where you are. You have learned the beliefs
and behaviors associated with resilience and post-traumatic growth.
Recognizing that healing happens in stages, you have explored perspectives
on personal transformation through the lens of neurobiology. You have had
an opportunity to challenge healing myths and identify new, affirming
beliefs. Most importantly, you have received the invitation; you have been
called to begin your hero’s journey.
 

Review and Reflect

Before continuing on to Chapter 2, take a few minutes to review your
responses to the self-reflection practices of this chapter. What have
you learned about yourself thus far?

________________________________________________________
____
 CHAPTER 2
…

Self-Discovery:
Cultivating the Fertile
Ground of Resilience

Difficult events can crack the foundation of your life. Although you may
feel as though you are broken, the process of healing can help you emerge
with a clearer and stronger sense of yourself. This chapter is focused on
helping you build resources to support your growth and prepare you for the
transformational work of healing from trauma in Chapter 3. To create a
well-kept garden, you must always begin by tending to the soil—adding in
the right amount of nutrients, sun, and water that create an optimal
environment for growth. It is within this fertile ground that you plant the
seeds for your personal transformation. Remember that within the acorn is
the potential of the oak tree. While this may be difficult to believe at this
time, I encourage you to trust that you already hold within you the potential
for your own full bloom.

Get Your Bearings

One of the painful repercussions of trauma and loss is feeling out of control
and disorientated. To get your bearings, you orient toward your inner
terrain. You do so by looking around and taking an honest look at your life,
including your past, your present, and where you see yourself in the future.
Once you know where you have come from and where you currently stand,
you can better orient to your future. You develop a realistic understanding
of yourself when you take into account your unique life experiences,
current vulnerabilities, and existing strengths.
Getting your bearings requires that you reflect upon your experiences
growing up. This involves exploring themes from your childhood and
family of origin. You might look at the quality of your relationships with
your parents, siblings, or other people who played important roles in your
life. Maybe you faced significant challenges, illness, or losses but overall
had a supportive, caring family. Or you might have had a difficult childhood
in which you faced frightening experiences for many years without support.
Looking back might also entail reflecting upon significant events that
happened to your parents or previous generations of your family and
cultivating an understanding about how these events impacted your life.
Self-awareness of your past will help you to prioritize and refine your
healing journey.
Looking at your past does not mean getting bogged down in the details.
Attending to all of the specifics of your past at once can leave you feeling
overwhelmed or depressed. Rather, at this time, the invitation is to identify
the significant life events, losses, or traumatic experiences that have shaped
who you are today. In Chapter 3 you will take the time to process and work
through these events in a safe manner. For now the emphasis is to simply
write down a list of the most important experiences from your past. As you
turn inward, take the time to also notice moments in your life when you
have felt empowered, experienced joy, or accomplished a significant feat—
including the people who supported you along the way. Identifying positive
moments in addition to your challenges will help you tap into your existing
strengths.
Getting your bearings also requires that you have a clear understanding
of your current circumstances. Perhaps you have recently faced the loss of a
loved one and feel tenderhearted. Maybe you have recently suffered from a
shocking traumatic event. You might feel isolated and disconnected from
the community or struggle in your relationships. Or you might be currently
struggling with health challenges. You might also notice how you talk to
yourself about your life. For example, you might notice negative self-talk or
critical messages that you tell yourself. At the same time, take the time to
notice the parts of your life that are going well. With a history of trauma,
you may have developed a tendency to focus on your faults. However, it is
equally important to illuminate your strengths, as this will help you
maintain a more balanced view of yourself. Take the time to identify what
you bring to the world in terms of your strengths, including your ability to
be gentle with yourself, be a good friend to others, express yourself
creatively, or maintain a commitment to your health.
Once you are oriented to the territory of your past and current
circumstances, you will be better prepared to set realistic goals for your
future. This involves thinking about the qualities you would like to cultivate
in yourself or the changes you would like to make in your life. Hikers are
well aware that climbing a mountain involves pacing yourself. If you move
too quickly, then you might find it hard to breathe or your muscles might
get fatigued. If you move too slowly, then you might get bored or feel
stagnant. On the other hand, moving at a pace that is sustainable allows you
to reach your goal. There will be times when it is necessary to pause, catch
your breath, or acclimate to new territory. You can think of this as a base
camp that helps you prepare to reach the summit. Once you feel ready, you
head on toward your destination where you can enjoy the vast and
expansive views.
Healing from trauma is similar. If you ever feel overwhelmed by the
process, then this is a sign that you are moving too quickly. Remember, if
any practice in this book triggers emotions that feel overwhelming, you can
always close the book, increase your support systems, and return when you
feel ready. Listen to your body and mind for feedback along the way.
Eventually you will feel strong enough to stretch and climb to new heights.
With the right support, you will be able to traverse a transformational path
to reach summits of the extraordinary possibilities that lie ahead.
As you get your bearings and identify the landmarks that have shaped
your inner terrain, remember that the past does not need to define you. As
you work through this book, you will find a path forward that helps you to
overcome your obstacles and connect to your strength. These next three
practices offer opportunities to reflect on the terrain of your past, orient to
your present circumstances, and set goals for your future.
 

11.
Reflect on Your Past
How would you describe your family of origin? Were there any losses
or specific traumatic events? Do you recall if you had support to
process these events? Did you grow up in an environment where there
was repeated neglect or abuse? Have you experienced significant
illness or medical trauma? Do you know of any traumatic events that
happened to your parents or previous generations in your family? Take
some time to write down a list of any losses, traumatic events, or
unresolved painful life moments from the past. Rather than writing
down the details, simply give each event a title. You can approach this
practice chronologically, starting in your early childhood and making
your way forward.
As you progress through this practice, also take the time to make a
list of significant positive events, achievements, or everyday activities
that enhance your well-being. What accomplishments are you most
proud of? Who were the most supportive and caring people from your
past, and who fills that role in your life now? Can you recall times in
which you acted courageously or felt empowered? What activities
bring you joy? For example, do you express yourself creatively
through art, writing, or music? Do you enjoy getting exercise? Do you
engage in any mindfulness practice, such as meditation or yoga? Do
you spend time in nature? Are there any additional activities that
enhance your well-being?

________________________________________________________
____
I am willing to know myself in the context of my past.
 

12.
Orient to Your Present
Circumstances
Take a few moments to reflect on your current life circumstances.
Have you experienced any recent losses or traumatic events? How
would you describe your current relationships? Do you feel connected
to a sense of community? Do you have any current health challenges
or struggle with chronic pain? Notice the quality of your emotions,
sensations, and thoughts. What messages are you telling yourself? If
these messages are critical or negative, ask yourself what new, positive
messages you would like to tell yourself now.

________________________________________________________
____

Awareness of my present circumstances helps me to make wise choices.

 

13.
Looking Ahead to the Future
Sometimes it can be difficult to imagine a future that is different from
your past or your present. Although you can’t change the territory of
your past, you can change the path that you take forward. Looking at
your current situation, how would you like things to be different? How
confident are you that you could make these changes? What has
stopped you from making changes in the past? Is there anything that
scares you about making changes in your life now? If you were to be
successful in making these desired changes, how would your life be
different? How do you think you would feel?

________________________________________________________
____

I can set goals for my future to help illuminate the path forward.

Embodiment

Sometimes you might find it difficult to sense and feel your body. Why? We
are simply taught to tune out our sensations. We’ve been trained to sit still
and pay attention. We orient to the external world in school, in the media,
and on our screens. Growing up, we learn to respect the rules and rhythms
of our family and community. Such external rhythms and rules can create a
sense of predictability, but sometimes these external structures do not match
our internal, personal rhythms. Nonetheless, we learn to adjust. Often this
entails disconnecting from our bodies, our intuition, and the earth in order
to fit in or belong. If you grew up in a situation of childhood neglect or
abuse, then dissociating from your body was simply a defense mechanism
you used in order to survive.
No matter the source, when you are cut off from your body, you also
become disconnected from your intrinsic source of wisdom. To reconnect to
your body can feel like trying to reestablish a relationship with a child who
has been ignored or abandoned. At first, you knock on the door and the
child is silent. Nonetheless, you express your commitment and desire to
reconnect by knocking again. This time, the child says, “Go away!” You
knock again and assert your commitment to reconnect, no matter how long
it takes. With time, the child might open the door slightly but only for a
moment. Eventually, the door is left ajar. Perhaps, one day, the door is left
open.
Connecting to your body takes time and requires commitment. One
breath at a time you can build trust with yourself. Each day you can return
to this practice of sensing and feeling, of slowly bringing your awareness
down from your head to your throat, chest, belly, hips, legs, and feet.
Although bringing attention to the parts of your body that feel numb or
empty can feel uncomfortable, this discomfort is ultimately a calling for
you to come home to yourself. If your identity is wrapped up in not feeling,
then bringing awareness to your body can also feel threatening to your
sense of self. You might feel out of control as you delve into discomfort or
greet your pain. You might feel irritable as you move from thinking to
feeling. You may want to run from the process. Pace yourself. Meet your
experience, back away, and return again.
As you descend your awareness throughout your body, meet your
vulnerability with great care. Eventually, you might notice an awakening of
sensation. Maybe you feel a surge of emotion or a tremble. Soften your
effort. You have arrived. Linger and listen with your inner ear. Awaken
yourself to the subtle movements of your body. Listen to the rhythm of your
beating heart and to the gentle rise and fall of your belly with your breath.
Cultivate a mindset that seeks to awaken your life force. Allow yourself to
be nourished by this wellspring of connection. Like a personal pilgrimage,
to descend your awareness into your body is an invitation to reconnect to
yourself in body and soul.
Feeling your sensations allows you to reclaim important information
about how to better take care of your body. As you read this book,
periodically pause and check in with yourself. You might feel the urge to
stretch or take a deep breath to release tension from your shoulders.
Ultimately, a practice of embodiment can help you discover a rich
connection to your inner wisdom. It is time to come home to your body.
 

14.
Sensing Your Body
Take a deep breath and bring your awareness to the sensations in your
body. Perhaps scan your body from head to toe. What are you aware
of? Do you find it comforting to sense and feel your body or do you
find it challenging? Do you notice places in your body that are easier
to feel? Do you notice areas of pain or numbness? Do you feel
frightened by the idea of connecting to your body? Sometimes,
bringing your attention to your extremities, such as the tip of your
nose or your fingers and toes, can help. Then, slowly connect to more
sensations in your body as you feel ready and at a pace you can
tolerate. Eventually, you can rebuild trust with yourself. Take some
time to write about your experience, and, as you return to this practice,
notice if your ability to connect to your sensations changes over time.

________________________________________________________
____

I can reconnect to my body at a pace that is right for me.

Slow and Steady

Healing cannot be rushed. Instead, it is advised to approach trauma
recovery in a slow and steady manner. Doing so will help you to build trust
in yourself and with the process. You can prepare for the deep work of
trauma processing by taking the time to build your resources. Resources
help you to feel confident, calm, clear, grounded, empowered, and
supported. Some resources are found in people or places that provide a
refuge of safety. For example, you might choose to spend time in nature,
call a friend, go to therapy, get a massage, or seek solace within a spiritual
community. You can also find resource animals who help you feel grounded
when you feel vulnerable. In addition, you can build internal resources that
allow you to rely upon your own body and mind to find a sense of peace. In
this case, you can find inner calm through the breath, imagination,
visualization, journaling, mindfulness, or yoga. Sometimes resources are
imagined sources of comfort, like the memory of a place that helps you feel
safe and calm. Many people choose a special place in nature, like being by
the seashore or sitting in a beautiful garden. You know that you have found
a good resource when you feel an increase in positive emotions and a sense
of ease in your body.
Finding an ally is an important part of a hero’s journey, as some
challenges are too great for any one person to face alone. Allies might be
real people in your life, such as a close friend, a spiritual mentor, or a
therapist who can be in relationship with you as you heal. Sometimes, an
ally is an imagined presence of a person, animal, spirit, or nurturing relative
(alive or deceased). Allies often represent the positive qualities of nurturing
and protective caregivers, which can be essential if you did not have this
during childhood.
Successful trauma recovery also benefits from a resource called
containment. Containment gives you the ability to choose when not to
focus on the difficult events from your past by consciously putting away
your painful emotions, thoughts, or memories. Here we recognize that we
need to take breaks from the hard work of healing from traumatic events.
Containment works as long as we make an agreement with ourselves to
attend to our emotional wounds at a later time, when we have sufficient
support.
You will know that you have sufficient resources to proceed on the
transformational path when you feel supported and grounded. When you
have enough resources, you will feel ready for just a little more challenge.
You can build the support you need to turn toward your pain in a slow and
steady manner. The next three practices will help you to develop resources
by creating an imagined safe place, finding supportive allies, and
developing a containment strategy.
 

15.
Safe or Peaceful Place
In trauma recovery, it can be beneficial to cultivate an image of a safe
or peaceful place that allows your body to relax in the here-and-now.
Can you think of an image of a place that helps you feel calm and
safe? This place can be one that exists in the real world or one that you
have imagined. Take a few minutes to explore this practice and write
down a description of your safe place. What do you notice in your
mind and body when you imagine yourself in this place? Know that
you can retreat to this safe haven in your mind any time that you feel
triggered or afraid.

________________________________________________________
____

I can calm my mind and body by reflecting upon times and places when I have
felt safe and peaceful.
 

16.
Identify Your Allies
Take the time to identify some allies who can accompany you on your
hero’s journey. These are the positive people in your life who have
stood by your side. Who in your life stands up for you or offers a
nurturing presence? Maybe you need someone who offers wise
counsel or gives you a sense of protection. Take some time to create a
list of possible allies who can surround you in times of difficulty.
Remember, you can call upon your support team or imagined allies at
any time.

________________________________________________________
____

I can reach out for support. I am supported by allies both seen and unseen. I
have all the resources that I need for my healing journey.
 

17.
Create Your Container
To develop the resource of containment, visualize a file, box, or room
that is big enough to hold your disturbing experiences. Then practice
temporarily placing the pain inside of your container. You can
intentionally reopen your container at a later time when you are able to
attend to your experience mindfully and compassionately. Write down
a description of a containment strategy or draw an image of your
container. Imagine placing difficult memories into your container with
the knowledge that you are in charge of opening and closing it. You
are in charge of when you attend to the pain of your past. When you
place your distress in this container, notice how you feel in your body
and mind. Take some time to write about your experience of using the
resource of containment.

________________________________________________________
____

I have a choice about when to think about my trauma. I can contain the pain of
my past until I have support for my healing journey.

Reclaim Your Inner Protector

We all have a basic need be protected. Protectors look out for our safety,
stand up for our worth, and defend us when necessary. They are assertive,
determined, and strong. However, if you grew up unprotected, betrayed, or
abused, then you might have developed defense mechanisms to help you
survive. You may have developed strong, defensive walls around your most
vulnerable feelings in the form of armor. In truth, most of us will defend
ourselves when we feel vulnerable. It is human nature. There is intelligence
in fear.
Unfortunately, these protective defenses might lead you to inadvertently
push caring people away when they get too close. As a result, you might
feel irritable, be quick to anger, or pick fights for no good reason. You
might falsely believe that you can only rely upon yourself. In some cases,
your protective defenses may have been in place for so long that you have
forgotten how to let go and relax. You may still be fighting a battle that
ended many years ago. While you may instinctively want to withdraw, run
away, or react defensively, it is also important to recognize that, sometimes,
these defenses are remnants of the past; they may no longer be necessary.
Reclaiming a healthy relationship with your inner protector will
ultimately allow you to let go of the compensatory defenses that no longer
serve you. You can reclaim this relationship and repair your wounds by
imagining a person who you would have liked to have protected you as a
child. Similar to the allies you identified in Practice 16, you might identify a
real, fictional, or historical person who you can imagine protecting you
now. Who would keep you safe or stand up on your behalf? Once you have
an image of a protector, it is essential that you internalize the feeling of
being protected by noticing how it feels in your body. Embody the feeling
of being a protector. You are and always were worthy of protection.
 

18.
Feeling Protected
With compassion, take a few minutes to recall a time in your life when
you needed protection and didn’t receive it. Notice how you feel
emotionally or in your body as you remember this experience. Are you
aware of any emotional or physical defenses that you may have
developed as a result? Now, take several minutes to reflect upon
someone who you think of as a strong, courageous, and powerful
protector. How might this person protect you in your life now?
Imagine this person standing up for you or speaking on your behalf.
Notice how the imagery of having a protector changes how you feel in
your body. Are there any changes in your posture or your breath?
Now, imagine being the protector. How does this feel in your body?
How could this feeling allow you to stand up for yourself and assert
your needs to the world? Take a few minutes to write about your
experience.

________________________________________________________
____

I can protect myself in healthy ways.

Nervous System Regulation

In Chapter 1, you read about the autonomic nervous system and its role in
regulating how you respond to threat and safety. When you are safe, your
sensory engagement system is activated, which facilitates feelings of
connection and calm. However, if you sense danger, then your nervous
system goes into defensive mode, causing you to “fight or flight” or “shut
down” in response to the perceived threat. When the nervous system
responds to threats in this way, your body goes into a state of
hypervigilance, meaning that you are highly sensitive to subtle cues in your
environment that are perceived as threatening. For example, you might
scrutinize the faces of people around you, notice subtle changes in their
tone of voice, or remain alert to any signs of rejection or danger. Often this
happens without you even realizing it consciously. We can better
understand why hypervigilance happens and increase nervous system
regulation by looking at the neurophysiology of the brain and body.
From the perspective of neuroscience, the brain developed
hierarchically from the bottom up and the inside out. The first part of the
brain to develop was the basal ganglia (the “reptilian brain”), which is
involved with activating our more primitive, defensive stress reactions. The
next part to develop was the limbic system (the “emotional brain”), which
provides the neural basis for memories and emotions. The most recently
evolved part of the brain is the neocortex—and, more specifically, the
prefrontal cortex (the “rational brain”)—which is involved in higher-order
thinking. Hypervigilance is associated with activation of the more primitive,
lower brain centers. In particular, when we are in danger, the reptilian brain
becomes activated and we react without consciously reflecting on the
details of the situation. From an evolutionary perspective, this is adaptive. If
your house was on fire, it would be wise to run out of the house quickly
rather than take the time to think about it. Only after you are safely away
from the threat would you pause and reflect upon the event.
Unfortunately, if you have experienced trauma, it can be difficult to
differentiate between frightening experiences that occurred in the past and
what is happening in the present moment. In turn, there is a greater chance
that you misperceive people or places as dangerous when they are actually
safe. As a result, you might be in a state of chronic hypervigilance, which
initiates the release of the stress chemicals and leads to a vicious cycle of
anxiety.
 You can learn to override this vicious cycle by engaging your social
engagement system to reestablish a sense of connection and safety. To do
so, focus your attention on cues that let you know that you are safe. Practice
observing the sensations and emotions you are feeling, as doing so engages
the upper brain centers and overrides any faulty stress reactions. For
example, if you feel unnecessarily keyed up with anxiety, you can slow
down your breath, find movements that help you feel grounded, or soften
your belly to help you relax. You can also use a cue word or phrase, such as,
“I’m safe now” or “It’s okay to relax.” Of course, this only works if you
are, indeed, in a safe situation now.
It is essential to recognize that the symptoms of PTSD are rooted in
your neurobiology. Trauma is experienced in your body, not just your mind.
This is why you cannot simply think or talk your way out of your trauma
reactions. Such an understanding can serve as a reminder to hold self-
compassion when you get triggered or caught in disruptive trauma
reactions. Most importantly, you are not destined to repeat your past, and
your symptoms do not need to define you.
 

19.
Orienting to Safety
Find a place where you know you are safe to explore this mind-body
practice. Choose a comfortable position either standing, seated, or
lying down. For the next several moments, focus your attention on the
specific cues in your environment that help you know that you that
you are safe, here and now. As you look around your space, notice the
quality of the light, a piece of art on the wall, or how it feels to be
reading this book. You might also choose to listen to a favorite piece
of music, hold a calming object in your hand, or notice the calming
scent of an essential oil. Now, repeat these words to yourself, “I am
safe, and I am calm.”
Now, take a moment to reflect upon a difficult time when you felt
stressed. What do you notice in your body? What emotions arise?
What thoughts are you having? Then, return your attention to the
specific cues in your environment that help you know that you that
you are safe in the present moment. Take several deep breaths, and on
each exhale, let go of any accumulated emotional or physical tension.
Once again, repeat the phrase, “I am safe, and I am calm.” You can
build nervous system flexibility by going back and forth between
feeling safe and attending to distress a little bit at a time.
Take a few minutes to write about your experience with this
practice, knowing that you can repeat it as often as you’d like. If at any
point in the practice you experience anxiety or distress, this is a sign to
seek out more support.
 ________________________________________________________
____

I can calm my body and mind by focusing on my experience of safety here and
now.

Breathing into Balance

One of the most powerful mind-body practices to facilitate nervous system

balance is working with your breath. Most of the time, we breathe without
even thinking about it. However, altering the rhythm of your breathing can
immediately change the balance of your sympathetic and parasympathetic
nervous system. In general, you can think of each inhale as enhancing your
sympathetic nervous system and of each exhale as enhancing your
parasympathetic nervous system.
One way that mind-body therapies work is by stimulating the vagus
nerve, which extends from the brainstem down into your stomach,
intestines, heart, lungs, throat, and muscles of the face. As you breathe
slowly and deeply, you create subtle movements in these areas of your
body. For example, diaphragmatic breathing creates a gentle massage across
your digestive organs, releases the muscle of the diaphragm, stimulates
nerve fibers within the lungs, and offers an audible sound that is soothing
for the inner ear. As a result, you can notice your heart rate slow down.
One of the ways that researchers measure the changes that happen in
mind-body therapies is through heart rate variability, which refers to the
rhythmic oscillations of your heart rate that occur with the breath. It is a
measure of the intervals between your heart beats. Higher heart rate
variability is associated with a greater ability to tolerate or recover from
stress, whereas lower heart rate variability is associated with stress and
anxiety. You can think of any practice that increases heart rate variability as
building flexibility and resilience within your autonomic nervous system.
As a result, it becomes easier to move between feelings of excitement and
ease.
 To increase heart rate variability, you can focus on slow, diaphragmatic
breathing. Start with a balanced breath, which involves long, deep breaths
in which the in-breath and out-breath are the same length. As you inhale,
your heart beat speeds up just slightly, and as you exhale, it slows back
down. To counterbalance anxiety, you might also experiment with
extending the length of your out-breath to emphasize your parasympathetic
nervous system. In contrast, if you are feeling foggy or sleepy, then you can
exaggerate your in-breath. Experiment for yourself with these next three
breath practices, which are focused on helping you realize that you have
some control over the level of activation in your nervous system.
 

20.
Balanced Breath
This breath practice can help create a calm, balanced feeling
throughout your mind and body. Start by taking several long, deep
breaths. Notice the subtle movements created by your breath. See how
it feels to relax your diaphragm. Can you allow your belly to rise and
fall as you breathe? Now, begin to inhale to a count of 4 and exhale to
a count of 4. You can count silently in your head. When you feel
comfortable with this breath practice, you might choose to experiment
with holding your breath after each inhale and exhale, as this can help
train your nervous system to handle stress. In this case, you inhale to a
count of 4, hold your breath in for a count of 4, exhale to a count of 4,
and hold your breath out to a count of 4. If you find the retentions of
the breath uncomfortable, just return to the initial practice. Continue
this balanced breathing exercise for the next several minutes. Once
you are finished, allow your breath to return to a natural rhythm, and
bring your awareness to the sensations in your body. What are you
aware of? What emotions are you feeling? Take some time to write
about your experience.

________________________________________________________
____

My breath is a doorway to my nervous system. I can create balance from the

inside out.
 

21.
Relaxing Breath
This breath practice is optimal for times when you feel anxious or
keyed up. Start by taking several long, deep breaths. Notice the subtle
movements created by your breath. See how it feels to relax your
diaphragm. Can you allow your belly to rise and fall as you breathe?
Now, begin to inhale to a count of 4 and exhale to a count of 6. You
can count silently in your head. Over time, you can experiment with
lengthening your exhalation to a count of 8. Continue breathing in this
manner for the next several minutes. Once you are finished, allow
your breath to return to a natural rhythm, and bring your awareness to
the sensations in your body. What are you aware of? What emotions
are you feeling? Take some time to write about your experience.

________________________________________________________
____

I am calm, relaxed, and at ease.

 

22.
Invigorating Breath
This breath practice is optimal during times that you want to feel more
awake and alert. Start by taking several long, deep breaths. Notice the
subtle movements created by your breath. Now, focus on bringing
your breath into your upper chest. Take a deep inhale, and then release
the breath with a quick exhale. Repeat this breath three or four more
times, and then allow your breath to return to a natural rhythm. Bring
your awareness to the sensations in your body. What are you aware of?
Do you notice an increase in your energy? If you would like, you
might choose to repeat this breath practice a few more times. When
you feel sufficiently energized, allow yourself to return to stillness.
Take some time to write about your experience.

________________________________________________________
____

I am alert, awake, and invigorated.

Mobilization and Immobilization

One of the most debilitating symptoms of PTSD is dissociation. It is much

more common than many people realize, in part because dissociation can
present as a wide range of symptoms, including feeling foggy, tired, shut
down, lightheaded, nauseous, or numb. In addition, dissociation can
sometimes lead to lapses in memory, a feeling of “lost time,” or having
distinct, multiple parts of the self. Dissociation is especially common with
complex PTSD, which occurs as a result of long-term exposure to traumatic
stress, rather than in response to a single incident.
Dissociative symptoms are painful and tend to persist. If you relate to
these symptoms, it is recommended that you and your therapist become
comfortable talking about dissociation in a compassionate and caring
manner. Such openness can greatly support healing from trauma. With the
help of a therapist, you can increase your awareness of what triggers these
symptoms, and you can learn strategies to regulate your nervous system that
reduce the impact of these symptoms on your life. For some, mind-body
therapies, such as yoga, meditation, and breathing exercises, become
valuable, life-changing daily practices that can help them to stay grounded
in a sense of safety for longer and longer periods of time.
Recall that mind-body therapies work by helping you to regulate your
vagus nerve. Building upon the previous practices, the emphasis of this next
practice is to increase your nervous system flexibility. Here you explore
blending your social engagement system with your sympathetic and
parasympathetic nervous systems. Tapping into your social engagement
system when your sympathetic nervous system is activated allows you to
mobilize the resources to play, exercise, or get creative. Conversely, tapping
into your social engagement system when you feel shut down or fatigued
can soften your defenses, which can help you form loving connections with
others, relax, and achieve better sleep. This practice of alternating between
safe mobilization and immobilization helps balance your mind and body by
connecting you to the restorative side of your parasympathetic nervous
system (Sullivan et al., 2018).
 

23.
Reclaiming Safety in
Mind and Body
Begin this practice by finding a place where you know you are safe.
Find a comfortable position either standing, seated, or lying down.
Look around your space and identify visual cues that indicate you are
safe, here and now. Now, take several long, deep breaths. Notice the
sensations and the subtle movements created by your breath. Bring
your awareness to the sound of your breath. Expand your sensory
awareness to notice any other sensations in your body. Next, begin to
explore mindful mobilization by increasing the intensity of your
breath while moving your body. Maybe you stand up into an active
yoga posture. Perhaps you walk vigorously in place or around the
room. You can even put on your favorite song and dance. Increase
your heart rate just enough to notice that your breath quickens to
support your movement. If you experience any anxiety or other
distress, look around your space to remind yourself that you are safe
now. Finally, begin to explore mindful immobilization by returning
to stillness either seated or lying down. You might even begin to
explore how it feels to close your eyes. Allow your heart rate to slow
down. Surrender your weight down toward the earth. Invite long, deep
breaths by holding the out-breath longer than the in-breath to initiate a
relaxation response. Choose to be still and soften any unnecessary
tension in your muscles.
If you feel stuck, collapsed, or helpless at any point, this is a sign
that you have dropped into a defensive immobilization response. If
 this is the case, open your eyes and return your awareness to your
external space. Look around the room for cues that you are safe now.
Once you are connected to an experience of safety, you might choose
to close your eyes again and see if you can reconnect to the restorative
side of your parasympathetic nervous system. Take some time to write
about your experience.

________________________________________________________
____

I am balanced in body and mind.

Grounding

We all get pulled out of our center sometimes. We get distracted by work,
family, the media, or the news. It is easy for any of us to become mired in
the details of life. Sitting for hours and staring at a screen is part of the
problem. With time, your body might begin to reflect this approach to life.
You might notice that your gaze is lowered, your head hangs forward, or
your shoulders become hunched up by your ears. This collapsed body
posture can fuel feelings of depression, anxiety, helplessness, and
overwhelm. If you have a history of trauma, the impact of these daily
stressors can exhaust your resources.
The practice of grounding, which arises from somatic or body-based
psychotherapy, can help you reconnect to yourself—your center. Grounding
refers to your ability to feel yourself here and now. Through sensory
awareness, you bring your attention to your body. What do you see, hear,
smell, taste, and touch? You can amplify your sensory experience in the
outdoors by slowly sensing the texture of a rough rock with your finger tips
or smelling the fresh pine sap in the bark of a tree. Grounding also
emphasizes bringing awareness to your legs and feet by sensing your
connection to the earth. Perhaps you recall how it felt the last time you took
your shoes off and stood outside on the grass or in the sand by the seashore.
Could you sense the earth through the bottoms of your feet?
Spending time in nature is one way to facilitate grounding, as
interacting with the natural elements has been found to improve physical,
emotional, and social well-being. In Japan, the healing effects of the
outdoors are even recognized through a type of nature therapy called
Shinrin-yoku, which translates as forest bathing. Similarly, the Native
American tradition advises us to “walk in beauty,” which involves aligning
ourselves with nature so that we may stand in the right relationship with the
world around us. Likewise, in many mindfulness practices, we are invited
to explore a walking meditation that focuses on bringing our awareness to
the movement of our feet as they move in and out of contact with the earth
below.
It is all too easy to reflect upon your to-do list or a laundry list of
worries. However, the natural world invites you to be in the here-and-now,
to awaken your senses, and to notice the details of the world around you.
Maybe you begin to notice the breeze on your skin, the buds of flowers on
the trees, or the filtered quality of light as it passes through branches.
Grounding in nature can also become a playful exchange with the natural
world. For example, you might lightheartedly mirror a crooked tree or a
bird opening its wings. As you spend time outdoors, you began to feel
uplifted as you stand within the beauty of the natural world.
The experience of grounding is facilitated by the proprioceptive
system, which is your body’s sensory system that supports your ability to
sense where you are in space. Importantly, proprioception is learned in our
earliest relationships, as these are our first experiences of trust and support.
For example, an infant who is held lovingly will release their weight into
gravity. Similarly, a child who seeks comfort from a parent will begin to
rest their weight into the comforting embrace of their parent’s arms. At its
core, grounding is a relational experience.
Ultimately, the practice of grounding invites you to sense your body,
notice any experience of tension, and surrender the weight of your physical
body into the earth or the loving presence of another person. As a resource
for trauma recovery, grounding can help you reclaim a sense of safety, feel
rooted in the present moment, and strengthen your resilience. The following
three practices help you to explore grounding into the floor, in nature, and
into the connection of another person.
 

24.
Grounding into the Floor
Find a safe, calm environment to explore this practice of grounding. If
you feel comfortable, explore this practice while lying down on the
floor. Release your weight into the floor beneath you. Notice how it
feels to relax into this support. If you notice that you are resisting
letting go into this support, see if you can breathe into any tension in
your muscles. Gently encourage yourself to let your weight rest heavy
on the floor. What are you aware of as you explore this practice of
grounding? Make space for any emotions that arise in the process.

________________________________________________________
____

I am grounded. I am connected to my center.

 

25.
Grounding in Nature
In this practice, you will explore the experience of grounding in the
outdoors. If you feel comfortable, take your shoes off outside and
explore how it feels to press your feet into the grass or dirt. Sense the
bottoms of your feet. Take the time to become present. Awaken your
senses by savoring the details of the sights, sounds, and smells.
Perhaps you practice walking while keeping your knees soft and not
locked. As you walk, allow yourself to focus on the sensations of your
feet rising and falling with each step. Can you stay connected to your
emotions and sensations while moving? If you feel disconnected, slow
down and come back to yourself in stillness. As you complete your
practice, take a deep breath and sense the impact of this practice on
your body and mind. Take a few minutes to write about your
experience.

________________________________________________________
____

I am connected to the earth. I become present with each step that I take.
 

26.
Grounding in Relationship
You might also choose to experiment with grounding while in contact
with another person with whom you feel safe. Explore what it feels
like to surrender into contact by asking this person to gently support
your hand, arm, or head. At first, you might notice that you hold your
breath or lose connection with your sensations. Can you still feel your
body while in contact this person? Do you hold your breath? Do you
lose yourself? If you lose connection with your sensations, make an
agreement with your partner to stop contact and come back home to
yourself. With practice, you can build your capacity to stay connected
to your center while in connection with another. Take some time to
write about your experience.

________________________________________________________
____

I am connected to my center as I connect in a relationship.

Build Your Boundaries

Taking care of another while ignoring your own needs is a recipe for
resentment and martyrdom. Overextending and pushing yourself to be
strong when you really need to rest can lead to exhaustion. Overriding your
personal boundaries can lead you to feel stuck in a state of confusion.
Boundaries are the limits that help you to define yourself, and without
them, it becomes harder to feel where you begin and end. Boundaries
also help you to negotiate your needs with others in the world. If you have
healthy boundaries, then you are more likely to ask for what you want and
identify your limits when something doesn’t feel right.
Boundaries are initially learned in childhood. If you grew up in a family
in which you experienced a lack of respect for your personal space and your
boundaries were consistently invaded, then you might be more likely to
carry firm, rigid boundaries into your adult relationships. In contrast, if you
experienced neglect or abandonment, then you may have a harder time
setting boundaries now. In this case, you might accept whatever comes your
way because you do not trust that others will remain caring or consistent.
You might also notice a tendency to override your boundaries because you
fear that others will reject you if you take care of yourself. In either
situation, you may have developed a strong focus on the emotions or needs
of the people around you in order to keep yourself safe.
If you have been ignoring your boundaries for many years, then you
might feel confused about your needs in relationships. To reclaim healthy
boundaries, it is important to pay attention to your body. Slow down so that
you can attend to the subtleties of your physical sensations and breath.
Listening to your sensations, you may start to notice the somatic signals that
accompany patterns of overextension or rigid self-protection. Perhaps you
feel tightness in your diaphragm, heat in your hands, or a knot in your
throat. Listen closely so that you can hear how your body communicates
“yes” and “no.” Make a firm commitment to honor your limits, even if
others might be disappointed with your decision. This might be difficult at
first, but as you take the time to develop healthy boundaries, notice if you
start to move from confusion to clarity. Perhaps you begin to feel mentally
refreshed, emotionally lighter, or physically more grounded.
 

27.
Body Awareness of Boundaries
Take a moment to reflect upon your boundaries. Do you tend to
maintain firm or rigid boundaries? Do you tend to overextend past
your limits? How does your body give you feedback about what you
want to say “yes” and “no” to? Do you find this difficult to determine?
Take some time with this practice. Explore several situations or
decisions in your life. You can experiment with simple decisions, such
as what to have for dinner or what movie you want to watch. How
does your body answer these questions? You can also explore your
boundaries interpersonally. Are there people with whom it is more
difficult to assert your needs? Are there people in your life who model
healthy boundaries? Can you think of anyone who celebrates your
ability to assert your limits? Notice how you feel in your body when
you ask for what you want in these different types of situations. Use
the following space to write about your experiences.

________________________________________________________
____

I recognize and honor my boundaries and limits.

Vulnerability Is Strength
Sometimes, this human life can feel overwhelming. You might want to
retreat, hide away, and close the door. You might feel too sensitive for this
world. In turn, you might put on a thick skin or pretend like you are okay
when, in reality, you feel terrible. You might hide your needs or emotions
behind a mask or a wall, which provides a false sense of strength. You
might continue to isolate yourself even though you really want to feel
connected. If you have lived this way for many years, then it can feel
profoundly exposing to let someone in. Allowing yourself to be visible can
make you feel too vulnerable.
The belief that we should be strong is often learned in childhood when
well-intentioned parents minimize or dismiss a child’s pain. Boys get told
“Boys don’t cry” and “Don’t be a sissy.” Girls get told “Don’t be so
dramatic” and “Stop overreacting.” When parents push away a child’s pain
in this manner, the child learns “I need to be strong because you can’t
handle my pain.” If these experiences characterized your childhood, then
you might have learned how to hold in your feelings and “be good” in order
to avoid rocking the boat. These early messages then turned into
internalized beliefs that resurfaced later in life when you faced difficult life
events.
In truth, you do not need to protect other people by “holding it
together.” Showing people how you really feel allows them to support you.
Moreover, trauma recovery inevitably asks you to feel your emotions. To
live in the world with an open heart is a reclaiming of your innocence. Like
a child who is sensitive and tender, this open heart is capable of seeing
everything and everyone without judgment. Yes, there are times when you
might need to retreat inward because it feels too painful to be so open with
others. However, rather than shutting off completely, take your time to go
within and explore what you need to open your heart again. You can learn
to trust that there is always a glimmer of light when journeying into the
darkness. Listen to your own timing about when you would like to
reemerge and open yourself up to others. Coming out of hiding takes time.
Honor your own readiness.
Given that there is always the risk of being rejected when you do decide
to reemerge and share yourself with others, you might begin expressing
your vulnerable emotions in the presence of a chosen few individuals—
those with eyes that see with acceptance and compassion. Rather than
opening up to someone who is critical or unwilling to be vulnerable
themselves, you can choose to do so with a therapist or someone else in
your life who courageously expresses their own authentic presence. If you
still find that someone criticizes or disrespects you, do not take these
behaviors personally. Rather, you can trust that these kinds of reactions
provide more information about the other person than they do about you.
Remember, it is a powerful practice to authentically share yourself with
others in your life. The choice to share from your heart is an act of courage
that no one can take away from you. You are in charge of the pace of
intimacy. You do not need to open up until you are ready. Not only is this
journey worthwhile, it is also profoundly liberating. In time, you might find
that your sensitivity is a gift and your vulnerability is a strength.
 

28.
Embracing Authenticity
Take some time to write about the experiences you have had in
expressing yourself openly and authentically. As you think about your
childhood, what positive or negative messages did you receive from
your parents about your emotions? Did you feel cared for during times
of sadness, or did you feel rejected and lonely? Do you recall times in
your adult life when you felt hurt after revealing your true feelings? In
contrast, can you recall times when your feelings have been warmly
welcomed or received by another person?
How have these positive and negative messages and experiences
shaped how you share (or don’t share) yourself with others today? In
what ways might you unnecessarily try and protect other people from
knowing your true feelings and emotions? What positive messages
would you like to tell yourself now about authentically sharing your
thoughts and feelings with others? Remember, you can choose wisely
by sharing your vulnerabilities with people who will accept you just as
you are.

________________________________________________________
____

I can increase self-acceptance for my most vulnerable feelings. My vulnerability

is a strength.
 Some Days Are Like That

Growth is not a linear path. We can see this in children when they go
through a growth spurt. They typically become clumsy and uncoordinated
as they discover a new phase in body and mind. Likewise, growth at any
phase of life requires that we accommodate new information. Sometimes
we might wrestle with the parts of ourselves that are fearful of what change
might bring. We might discover that we are outgrowing old habits or
relationships, but we are afraid to let go because what we know feels safe.
In the classic children’s book Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No
Good, Very Bad Day (Viorst, 1987), we are introduced to a young boy who
is having a rough day where everything is going wrong. What kid doesn’t
relate to this book? It can be comforting to know that other people in the
world have bad days too, no matter what age we are. We all have our
“Alexander” moments. These include the days when you are already
running late for a meeting and get stuck in traffic. Later, you get home and
drop a dish while making dinner, which shatters on the kitchen floor. In a
moment of sheer frustration, you lash out at your spouse, child, or pet.
Finally, out of pure exhaustion, you overindulge on ice cream simply trying
to cope with the awful events of the day.
If you have a history of trauma, these “Alexander” moments can feel
particularly disheartening. A bad day can trigger you to the point of panic
and leave you feeling fatigued for days or even weeks. You might feel as
though you are getting worse instead of getting better, or that all of your
efforts toward healing are futile. It is important to know that you will
have times when it seems like nothing is going your way—and this is
not a sign of failure.
Growth often looks like a series of regressions into old patterns and
progressions into new skills and self-discoveries. It is normal to have
periods of time when we do not feel strong, capable, resourceful, or
resilient. It is important to remember that growth doesn’t happen in our
perfect moments. While no one likes feeling awkward, distracted, messy, or
out of control, we grow by humbly acknowledging our human
imperfections and holding our insecurities with self-compassion.
Throughout our lives, we will have many opportunities to recognize the
same truth that Alexander learns: “Some days are like that,” and tomorrow
is another day.
 

29.
Self-Acceptance
Take a moment and notice if you have a tendency to be unduly hard on
yourself when you have been clumsy or made mistakes. Explore by
writing down how it feels to be kind and gentle with yourself. What do
you notice in your mind and in your body? Does an attitude of
kindness help you lovingly accept your own difficult days? Remember
that who you were yesterday doesn’t have to define who you are today.
You can return again and again to the choices that support your health
and well-being. You have permission to change, grow, and become
your best self.

________________________________________________________
____

I can build self-acceptance for the difficult moments in my life.

The Resilience Recipe

Difficult life events and painful losses can leave any of us feeling
destabilized. This is true whether we have directly experienced trauma or if
we have been exposed to a traumatic event in the news. If you have a
history of trauma, even witnessing another person’s struggle can lead you to
feel helplessness or despair, especially if old memories get triggered. In
some situations, you might feel threatened, even if you are actually
physically safe now. You might find yourself imagining worst-case
scenarios.
If this describes your experience, then it is time to build resources that
promote resilience and prioritize self-care. You can build your resilience by
engaging in behaviors that support your physical, mental, emotional, social,
and spiritual health each and every day. Although you did not get a say in
what happened during the traumatic event, resilience comes with the
knowledge that there are still things in your life that you do have control
over. Explore the choices you can make each day that support your well-
being and that relieve tension and stress. While doing so may not resolve
any external threats or triggers, it can keep you connected to your
resilience.
You can build your physical resilience by attending to the needs of your
body, which includes getting enough sleep, eating a balanced diet, and
participating in a regular exercise program. Exercise in particular provides
you with a natural chemical boost that lifts mood by increasing endorphins,
serotonin, and norepinephrine. You can also increase physical resilience by
maintaining a healthy digestive system. You have an enteric nervous system
(called the belly brain), which is made up of the “microbiome” that lives in
your gut. This ecosystem contains hundreds of species of good and bad
bacteria that reside within your intestinal tracts. An imbalance in your gut
can lead to an inflammatory response in your immune system and cause a
wide range of disruptive symptoms, including anxiety and depression. You
can create a healthy microbiome by reducing sugar intake, identifying any
hidden food intolerances, and building more relaxation into your daily
routine, as stress interferes with digestion.
You can build mental and emotional resilience by adopting a mindset
that recognizes your capacity to grow, even through challenges. Recognize
that you have the choice to keep your heart open to love instead of fear and
hatred. Sometimes, when one difficult thing happens, you start to feel
worried that another bad thing will happen, which can lead you down a
rabbit hole of related difficult memories (Korb, 2015). This downward
spiral occurs, in part, because of how state-dependent memories are stored
and recalled. Difficult memories that evoke sadness are more likely to be
remembered when you are already feeling sad. However, state-dependent
memory can also be used in your favor. Your positive emotions, sensations,
and memories are also interconnected. By focusing your mind on memories
of times that you have felt happy, empowered, or peaceful, you can recall
other positive experiences. Moreover, look for signs of the courage and
strength within and around you. While vicarious traumatization is a very
real phenomenon, so is vicarious resilience. As human beings, we have the
ability to be inspired by each other and to rise again.
You can strengthen your social resilience by staying connected to other
people rather than isolating. It is important to stay involved in the
community and to actively seek and build your social circle. This might
involve reaching out to ask for help or to offer help to others, as we all need
community to help heal the broken heart. This is not just a metaphor.
Positive social connections have been linked to better physical health,
specifically with regard to cardiovascular and heart health. Furthermore,
positive social interactions may accompany physical touch. For example,
hugging increases the body’s natural “feel good” chemicals, oxytocin and
serotonin, which not only can improve mood but also promotes bonding
with others.
Lastly, spiritual resilience helps you to maintain a sense of hope in the
midst of challenging life situations. Having a strong spiritual orientation
helps increase life satisfaction, decrease depression, and is linked to
enhanced physical health, such as improvements in chronic pain conditions
and better cancer prognosis. While spirituality might involve having a
religious faith, it is primarily associated with having a sense of personal
meaning and purpose. You might find meaning through a faith community,
prayer, meditation, yoga, or time spent in nature. A sense of purpose helps
place difficult life events into a larger context, which makes it is easier to
stay motivated toward your goals rather than sinking into hopelessness.
Moreover, a spiritual perspective encourages empathy and forgiveness. You
will be guided through an exploration of discovering your own spiritual
perspective, meaning, and purpose in Chapter 4.
While each one of these action steps associated with resilience might
seem small, they add up and can ultimately help you to feel strong, relaxed,
capable, and more connected to others in the world. Collectively, they are
an assertion of your willingness to commit to yourself and a positive future.
To stay engaged in your life is an act of courage, especially when you know
that loss can and will happen. My invitation to you is to create your own
personalized approach: a resilience recipe that helps you connect to your
strength, wisdom, and capacity to live a meaningful life.
 

30.
Create Your Resilience Recipe
What choices can you make in your life right now that give you a
greater sense of self-control? Take some time to create a list of
activities that support your physical, mental, emotional, social, and
spiritual health. What activities can help reduce isolation and make
you feel more connected to your community? You are more likely to
engage in behaviors that you enjoy, so focus on activities that promote
your health while also giving you a sense of enjoyment. You might
write in a gratitude journal, go for a mindful walk outdoors, practice
yoga, get a massage, drink a cup of tea, go to church, pray, meditate,
call a friend, or go to the gym. Explore the subtle ways you can move
your body to relieve tension and stress. Experiment for yourself and
design a life around the choices that support your capacity to learn,
grow, and become your best self. Take some time and begin to create
your own personalized resilience recipe. Write your list in the
following space, knowing that you can return to this practice and add
to your list as you discover more behaviors that support your growth.

________________________________________________________
____

Each day is an opportunity to engage in activities that build my physical, mental,

emotional, social, and spiritual resilience.
 Chapter Review

Take a moment to reflect upon your experience as this chapter comes to a

close. The practices within this chapter have invited you to reflect upon
your past and create a vision for your future. You have explored finding
your own pace for your transformational path and identified resources to
help you with difficult thoughts, feelings, and memories. In addition, you
have been introduced to tools that enhance embodiment, support grounding,
build your boundaries, and regulate your nervous system. Perhaps you have
begun to let go of the defensive armor that was once necessary to protect
you or help you survive. You have also been invited to increase self-
compassion, especially on days when you do not feel strong. Finally, you
have created your resilience recipe: a personalized collection of behaviors
that increase your well-being.
Collectively, these practices aim to cultivate a fertile ground of
resilience within you and prepare you for the next phase of your healing
journey. Chapter 3 provides a chance to go deeper into the transformational
work of healing from trauma. Remember, there is no single right way to
approach this book—personal growth is not linear. As you proceed forward
in this book, know that you can reestablish a connection to your resources,
as needed, by returning to the practices found within this chapter. Your
resources are the foundation for your growth.
 

Review and Reflect

Take a few minutes to review your responses to the self-reflection
practices in this chapter. What have you learned about yourself?
Knowing that not every practice will resonate, which practices worked
the best for you? Are there any new tools that you would like to
continue to explore as you move into the next chapter?

________________________________________________________
____
 CHAPTER 3
…

Transformation:
Planting
the Seeds of Potential

Now that you have developed a set of inner and outer resources, this
chapter will help you to attend more directly to the pain related to trauma
and loss. The practices in this chapter deepen your journey of self-discovery
by slowly and mindfully inviting you to expand your tolerance for
discomfort and release the impact of traumatic events. Remember that it is
common to want to reject the call to enter a hero’s journey. However,
having resources that make you feel supported and grounded can allow you
to proceed forward on your path. Although the practices within this chapter
can be explored on your own, remember that the presence of a therapist is
recommended to support you on this journey.

Expansion and Contraction

In the previous chapter, you focused on developing resources that help you
feel grounded, safe, and calm. You can think of these as the skills that help
you stay inside of a “window of tolerance.” According to author and trauma
expert Daniel Siegel (1999), the window of tolerance is a zone of optimal
arousal in body and mind. When you are inside your window, you are better
able to respond to your emotional and physical needs. The work of healing
from trauma involves increasing your tolerance for stress so that you can
skillfully accommodate a greater amount of discomfort and gradually widen
your window of tolerance.
When you are above your window of tolerance, you are in a state of
hyperarousal. You might feel anxious, jittery, restless, or irritable. In
contrast, when you are below your window of tolerance, you are in a state
of hypoarousal. In this state, you might feel depressed, lethargic, collapsed,
or tired. In truth, all of these sensations and emotions are part of us.
Although it can feel tempting to reject any uncomfortable feeling, the
goal of this stage is to lean into discomfort—to tolerate a greater range
of arousal states.
With practice, you can learn to relate to all of your experiences with
equanimity and self-compassion. Equanimity involves increasing your
ability to stay present and be patient with uncomfortable experiences.
Perhaps you have been stuck in heightened arousal and, like a frightened
cat, are ready to jump or run away at any moment. Can you imagine
soothing this part of yourself with loving kindness? Or maybe you feel like
a tortoise who has retreated into its shell for self-preservation. Although this
withdrawal may have been necessary to survive at some point, you can
gently coax yourself out of your shell and recognize that it is now safe to
reengage with the world.
As you navigate the transformational work of healing from trauma, you
might begin to notice that you have rhythms of expansion and contraction.
Maybe you notice that you have times in which you are more energetic but
that these moments also bring some anxiety. Likewise, you might notice
times in which you feel heavy or tired. As you observe your own energetic
ebbs and flows, it can also be helpful to notice the rhythms of expansion
and contraction that exist all around you in the natural world. For example,
you might observe a bird that puffs up its chest and, in complementary
form, tucks its beak under its retracted wings. Or you might observe how
flowers open at dawn and close with the setting sun. These rhythmic
oscillations exist within and all around us.
 By paying attention to your body, you can learn to identify and work
with your energetic patterns. For example, when you notice that you are
feeling tired or foggy, you can embrace the nourishment that exists within
this state instead of rejecting the constriction. Doing so can help you to feel
grounded and relaxed as opposed to entering into a dissociative state. Or
you can work with times that you feel untethered and anxious by breathing
into your sensations. Eventually, this can help you to embrace your ability
to be spontaneous and playful.
As you explore your relationship with expansion and contraction, you
have an opportunity to discover a profound paradox: that there are seeds of
expansion that live deep inside the narrow, tight, or constricted places—
and, as you stretch and explore your outer limits, you will discover a natural
inclination to come back home to yourself. Over time, you can learn to
honor your natural rhythms and reclaim the beneficial qualities of both
expansion and contraction. You can learn to dance joyfully in the expanse
and rest peacefully in the quiet spaces.
 

31.
Explore Your Window of
Tolerance
This practice invites you to compassionately bring your attention to
your own patterns of expansion and contraction. It is important to
recognize that we all experience energetic imbalances sometimes. Do
you sometimes feel anxious, ungrounded, tingly, or disconnected from
your body? Do you sometimes feel helpless, hopeless, heavy, or
depressed? What are your emotional or somatic cues that let you know
that you are leaving your window of tolerance or getting stuck in an
imbalanced state? In what ways do you find healthy expression of both
expansion or contraction in your life? Take some time to reflect and
write about your responses to these questions.

________________________________________________________
____

I am listening to my rhythms of expansion and contraction. I am connected to the

breath of the universe.

Riding the Waves of Change

All experiences are meant to come and go, like waves in the ocean. They
rise up, crest, and release. Similarly, you can think of your emotions as
“energy in motion.” They are meant to surge, be fully felt, and then subside.
However, sometimes you might block emotional waves before they come to
the shore. When you remain cut off from your emotions in this manner, it is
important to realize that there are consequences. You might start to feel
rigid and constricted. You might begin to feel numb or as if you are just
going through the motions of your life. Or you might feel frightened that
you will be overwhelmed by a tidal wave of built-up emotion.
Blocking emotional waves is especially common when you have
experienced trauma. You might fear getting flooded by memories, painful
feelings, and accompanying body sensations. Perhaps these feelings are
related to events that occurred many years ago. Such unexpressed emotions
can build up and manifest as physical tension in your body, resulting in
headaches, tight shoulders, or difficulties with digestion. You may not even
be aware that you are holding on to your emotions until your body rebels.
Healing from trauma involves slowing down and attending to your pain
at a pace that you can tolerate. This involves learning to surf in the shallows
in preparation for riding the bigger waves. In other words, you turn toward
relatively smaller stresses or losses prior to processing your most difficult
traumas or worst fears. For example, you might start by working with the
frustration related to an interaction with a coworker. Here you explore the
skills of building tolerance for your emotions while attending to a relatively
manageable event. In time, you can work up to more distressing traumatic
events. Pacing yourself in this manner is especially important if you
experienced repeated abuse or neglect in your childhood.
Riding the waves of change also involves letting go of accumulated
emotional burdens. However, letting go is easier said than done. If you find
it difficult to let an emotion go, it is important to explore why you are
holding on. Once you understand the nature of your emotional burdens, it
will be easier to release them. For example, you might not let go of feelings
of hurt or resentment in the hope that your pain might finally be
acknowledged by a family member. In this case, you might need to grieve
the fact that this person is incapable of recognizing or acknowledging your
pain.
Riding the waves of change isn’t always easy, but the end result is that
you have an opportunity to feel lighter and discover an increased sense of
freedom in body and mind. As a result, it becomes easier to feel positive
emotions of joy, pleasure, happiness, or excitement. Most importantly, this
process awakens your authentic presence. By turning toward your emotions,
you invite yourself to be raw and real. You no longer feel as though you are
going through the motions of your life. In time, you begin to feel as though
you are living your life wholeheartedly. Set an intention to ride the waves of
your inner experiences—set your sails for a journey of self-discovery.
 

32.
Build Tolerance for
Your Emotions
Take some time to explore a mindfulness practice focused on riding
the waves of change. On each inhale, allow yourself to notice your
inner experience. What is the emotion or sensation that you are aware
of right now? Honor whatever you are holding as if it is a precious
gift. Imagine a wave rising up as you breathe fully into this moment,
this experience. You might ask yourself if this emotion needs anything
from you. How can you take care of yourself right now? On each
exhale, imagine the wave receding as you release emotion and
sensation. If it feels right, imagine giving anything that no longer
serves you back to the universe. Continue as long as you like, allowing
yourself to observe your inner experiences as they come and go.
Complete the practice by extending appreciation to yourself, for both
your willingness to hold on and the courage that it takes to let
something go. Take a few minutes to write about your experience.

________________________________________________________
____

Today is an opportunity to ride the waves of change. All thoughts, feelings, and
sensations are meant to come and go.
 Overcoming Obstacles

Healing from trauma and loss asks that you find the strength to overcome
obstacles. This obstacle might involve confronting painful memories from
the past that you would rather avoid. Or obstacles might come in the form
of current situations in your life where you feel harassed, bullied, or abused.
You might feel as if you have no choice or as if there is no good choice. For
example, you might want to end a relationship or leave a job where you are
unhappy, but you fear the repercussions that this change would have on
your life. Or you might long for deeper connections with others but fear that
you’ll end up overextended or feeling trapped. In some cases, you might
have a need to speak your truth but fear that doing so could make a bad
situation worse. These are all examples of double binds. In these situations,
the obstacles of life can feel insurmountable. They can leave you feeling
disempowered, small, helpless, or powerless. You might want to give up
when you cannot change your situation.
You might feel particularly vulnerable to these kinds of situations if you
grew up with double binds in your childhood home. Double binds occur
when there are chronic mixed messages from a parent, such as when a
parent says, “I love you” but their body language communicates anger or
withdrawal. A double bind can also occur when a parent tells you that they
want you to express yourself, but then they get angry when you do. Or a
parent tells you that they want you to be successful and independent, but
then they become jealous or resentful when you are happy. Worse yet, in
some cases, the double bind is the result of an abusive situation in which
you had to act lovingly toward a parent who was also a source of threat.
Moreover, if you bring attention to these painful mixed messages, then you
are either dismissed or punished. As a result, it is common to begin to
question your sense of reality. Furthermore, when you cannot express your
distress, hurt, or anger toward another person, you might begin to blame
yourself or believe that you are the problem. The result is that you turn
anger inward, toward yourself.
It only takes one caring adult who is invested in understanding the inner
experience of a child to facilitate resilience (Haggerty et al., 1996). If you
never had this compassionate person in your childhood, it isn’t too late. At
any point in our lives, we can thrive when we have someone who provides
deep validation for the experiences that were once a source of confusion
and self-doubt. Notice how you feel when someone dismisses your feelings,
says that you are “making things up” or that you are “just imagining the
worst.” In contrast, notice how you feel when you are with someone who
listens to you, is invested in understanding your point of view, and is
willing to validate your experiences. When you are in a validating
relationship, your sense of self-efficacy is enhanced, meaning that you have
increased confidence in your ability to succeed. In turn, you become
empowered to make important or necessary changes that improve the
quality of your life.
Empowerment gives you the energy needed to overcome the obstacles
in your life that are holding you back. Part of this process involves taking
personal responsibility for your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. For
example, you may feel empowered to confront your anger by channeling it
in a positive and productive manner. To do so requires that you pause and
reflect on your relationship to anger. What messages did you receive about
anger in your childhood? Do you deny or repress your anger now, or does
anger cause you to get out of control? Most importantly, what would you
like to be able to tell yourself now when you feel angry? Working through
these questions can help you overcome obstacles by setting boundaries,
saying “no,” and standing up to bullies.
At the same time, it is important to remember that even the strongest of
individuals will face significant obstacles that cannot be changed no matter
how hard they try. In truth, it can be difficult to navigate a path of growth.
When this occurs, it is necessary to stay realistic instead of collapsing into
helplessness and despair. You can do so by identifying the parts of your life
that you can control or change while simultaneously acknowledging the
parts of your life that cannot be changed. In addition, remember that the
path to recovery takes time. The transformational work of healing requires a
similar mindset to a marathon runner. You may experience times when you
want to give up. However, by maintaining an embodied feeling of
empowerment, you can reclaim your power and harness the energy
necessary to overcome the obstacles in your life.
 

33.
Develop an Empowerment
Resource
Take a moment to reflect upon a time when you felt supported and
empowered. Perhaps you remember a time when you stood up for
yourself or overcame a challenge. What resources helped you
succeed? Who believed in you, validated your reality, or helped you
connect to your power? What helped you to connect to your courage?
If it is difficult to think of a time when you felt empowered, you can
also think about an inspirational person who represents empowerment
for you. Maybe you imagine someone who has stood up for rights that
are important to you or someone who has modeled the ability to stand
up against all odds. Imagine someone who accomplished changes that
had previously been thought impossible, such as Martin Luther King
Jr., Rosa Parks, or Abraham Lincoln. These individuals remind us that
the antidote to helplessness is empowerment.
Take a moment to reflect upon this time or person who represents
empowerment for you. Begin to notice how you feel in your body.
What emotions do you feel? See if you can allow the feeling of being
empowered to grow. Allow your breath and posture to reflect this
experience of being empowered. Now, take a moment to imagine a
challenge or obstacle that you are facing in your life. Do you notice
any feelings of powerlessness or helplessness? Do you feel invalidated
or stuck in this situation? How does this feel in your body?
Now, see if you can imagine bringing the embodied feeling of
empowerment into this situation. Can you tap into a sense of your
 strength as you imagine facing this challenge? If you find this practice
challenging, ask yourself what additional supports or resources would
help you overcome the obstacles in your life. Do you need to bring in
an ally? Do you need to focus on grounding? From an empowered
place, take some time to imagine how you would like to navigate this
challenge. If you still feel stuck, seek out increased support or bring
this scenario to therapy so that you can overcome the obstacles in your
life. Use the next page to write how you feel.

________________________________________________________
____

I am empowered, strong, and capable. I can overcome the obstacles in my life.

Trauma Reprocessing

We all have an innate capacity to work through and heal from traumatic
events as long as we have sufficient support. Dr. Francine Shapiro (2018),
the psychologist who developed EMDR therapy, calls this adaptive
information processing. If you feel overwhelmed or stuck in post-
traumatic stress reactions, this is a sign that you have not yet had sufficient
support. It is not a sign of failure. More importantly, rest assured that there
is a way to work through traumatic events and reclaim your life.
In Chapter 1, we talked about how all memories are patterns of neural
networks or groups of interconnected brain cells (neurons) that fire together.
Let’s take a closer look at what happens when we reprocess a traumatic
memory. Reprocessing a memory facilitates consolidation, which is the
process by which memories are integrated throughout your brain. When a
memory becomes encoded, the different sensory experiences associated
with that memory are stored in different areas of the brain. It is the process
of consolidation that allows each singular event to become integrated with
the thousands of other previous experiences already held within you. This
process helps you to develop a coherent sense of self across time, as it
allows a single experience to become congruent with your ongoing sense of
self in the world.
In contrast, traumatic memories are maintained as maladaptive neural
networks that do not get fully processed and consolidated. These memories
are not integrated with other experiences and are limited in their ability to
accommodate new information. More specifically, traumatic memories are
often isolated or cut off from memories of times that you felt safe or
empowered, related positive emotions, and your ability to verbalize the
experience. In turn, it can be difficult to be emotionally flexible or
cognitively constructive while thinking about difficult life events.
Thankfully, there is hope. Consolidation primarily occurs during rapid
eye movement (REM) sleep, but you can also actively participate in
memory consolidation by spending time reprocessing your memories.
Reprocessing involves recalling a traumatic event and the related images,
beliefs, emotions, and body sensations in a new context of safety. As you
activate the neural network associated with the trauma memory, you have
an opportunity to insert new information related to your resources and
present state of mind. For example, you can focus on finding reparative
experiences by recalling times when you have felt loved, comforted, or
protected by others. This is especially important when working with
memories of neglect or abandonment. Furthermore, you can focus on
challenging faulty beliefs. For instance, if you have been carrying around
inaccurate beliefs, such as “It was my fault” or “I will never be safe,” then
you can begin to challenge these thoughts with a new, more accurate
assessment of your situation.
Successful reprocessing of traumatic memories involves cultivating
dual awareness, which is the ability to maintain awareness of the present
moment while simultaneously addressing memories related to the traumatic
event. You can think of this as having one foot in the here-andnow and one
foot in the past. Within EMDR therapy, you strengthen dual awareness
through the use of bilateral eye movements, sounds, or pulsars in your
hands that alternate between the left and right sides of your body. This
rhythmic alternation helps anchor your attention to the present moment. In
addition, the bilateral stimulation alternates across the two sides of your
brain, mimicking REM sleep. Maintaining this dual awareness is an
important aspect of EMDR therapy because you are more likely to become
flooded by your internal sensations or emotions during trauma reprocessing
if you lose this awareness (Rothschild, 2010).
When you reprocess traumatic memories, you build a bridge between
disturbing memories that occurred in the past and the resources that you
have in the here-and-now. You build neural networks that communicate
across the left and right hemispheres of the brain, as well as between upper
and lower centers of the brain. As a result, it becomes easier to sense your
body without getting flooded and to express your feelings in a coherent
fashion.
Reprocessing traumatic memories is best accomplished in the context of
a secure therapeutic relationship. There are vulnerable and uncomfortable
edges in all of us that benefit from the compassionate presence of another
person. This is especially true when working through childhood abuse or
neglect. A compassionate therapist can help you work through difficult
feelings and memories that you might be afraid to confront by yourself.
Remember, you do not need to heal alone.
 

34.
Reprocessing the Past
Take some to time to become aware of a difficult or traumatic
memory. You might choose a memory from the list you created in
Practice 11 (“Reflect on Your Past”). As you bring your attention to
this memory, begin to notice your experience. What are the sensations
in your body? Are there areas of tension or gripping? How are you
breathing? What is the worst part of the pain? Do you notice any
beliefs about yourself when you bring your attention to this memory?
What would you like to believe about yourself or say to yourself in
place of these negative thoughts? Now, begin to explore whether you
had any specific needs at the time that this difficult or traumatic event
occurred. What needs did you have that were left unmet? Perhaps you
notice that you needed greater support or more protection. Take some
time to imagine bringing this needed resource into this memory from
your past.
As you continue to reflect upon your difficult or traumatic
memory, begin to notice if you start to feel a lessening of discomfort.
Perhaps the practice of attending directly to your pain helps you to feel
stronger or as though the memory has less power over your mind and
body. If at any point you feel overwhelmed, focus on your resources or
bring your attention to your external environment. Or, if necessary,
place this memory in your container and stop the practice for now.
Give yourself as much time as necessary to write your responses to
this practice, knowing that you can repeat this process with other
difficult memories as needed.
 ________________________________________________________
____

I take charge of my healing by reprocessing difficult memories. The past is over. I

am here, now.

Alternating Your Attention

Turning directly toward the pain of your past can sometimes feel
overwhelming. If you are feeling flooded or are prone to dissociation, you
can explore an alternative approach that lets you relate to your suffering in a
more regulated manner. In particular, you can use a modified approach to
reprocessing that involves alternating your attention between the disturbing
memory and the experience of safety in the here-and-now (Knipe, 2015).
This process is referred to as pendulation, and it helps you to confront
traumatic memories at a pace that you can tolerate. Over time, you can
increase your capacity to be with uncomfortable emotions, painful body
sensations, and difficult memories.
Pendulation is also used to achieve what is called titration (Levine,
1997, 2010). Titration is a term used in chemistry that refers to the
combining of substances that create chemical reactions. For example, if you
combine a large amount of vinegar and baking soda, you will get an
explosion. However, you can titrate this reaction by adding just a few drops
of vinegar at a time, which allows the mixture to fizz, bubble, and then
settle down. Likewise, in psychology, titration involves attending to
distressing memories for a short period of time with the goal of slowly and
mindfully being able to discharge tension.
This next practice explores alternating your awareness between a
distressing memory and a nourishing, positive resource that helps you feel
grounded and calm. You think about a distressing event, and as soon as you
feel any discomfort, you put away the memory and focus on feeling safe,
here and now. You then go back and forth between thinking about the
traumatic event for short periods of time and attending to your environment.
If at any point you feel flooded by emotions or sensations, such as panic,
dizziness, or nausea, then this is an indication to stop processing altogether.
If this occurs, you can use your containment strategy from Practice 17 and
focus solely upon your resources.
For this practice, you can also use pendulation to address painful
physical sensations, such as headaches or other areas of distress in your
body. In this case, you would alternate between the distressing sensation
and a positive or neutral sensation in your body. For example, you might
bring your awareness to a feeling of tightness in your shoulder and then
alternate your awareness to a sensation of strength in your legs or warmth in
your palms. This practice can be especially helpful if you notice a tendency
to be anxious about or hyperfocused on pain sensations in your body.
One more point before you begin: sometimes, a painful experience does
not resolve because it serves to indicate that you need to take action in your
life now. Perhaps you are in a current situation that is reminiscent of the
past. Maybe your distress is a sign that you need to stand up for yourself,
protect yourself, or set a boundary. In this case, the practice of attending to
your distress may require that you listen carefully to the message inside of
your discomfort. Now the question is, what would allow you to address
your current situation with wisdom?
 

35.
Pendulation
Take a few minutes to bring your attention to your current
surroundings. Allow yourself to describe what your see, hear, or smell.
You can amplify your sensations by using essential oils, placing an
item in your space that is calming to look at, or holding a rock that
helps you feel grounded. Notice how you feel in your body. Now,
bring your attention to a difficult or painful experience. You might
choose a memory from the list that you created in Practice 11
(“Reflect on Your Past”). Take notice of any changes in how you feel.
Are there any uncomfortable emotions or sensations in your body? Do
you notice if your breathing has changed? Stay with these feelings or
sensations for just a few breaths so long as you do not feel
overwhelmed.
Now, return your attention to your current surroundings, and focus
your attention on your sensations. Take the time to reflect upon the
details of your environment until you feel a shift in your body toward
greater relaxation. Take as long as you need with this positive feeling
until you feel calm and grounded. Then, return your attention to your
distressing memory. You can continue to alternate your awareness
until you are able to attend to your distressing memory for longer
periods of time without feeling overwhelmed.
If you’re still finding this practice difficult, you’re not doing
anything wrong. This is likely a sign that you would benefit from
additional resources to help you to successfully process this difficult
memory or painful sensation. Or you might ask yourself if the distress
is not resolving because of a current situation in your life that is
 unresolved. In this case, ask yourself if there are any actions that you
need to take in your life now that would allow this painful memory,
emotion, or sensation to resolve.

________________________________________________________
____

I can choose how to direct my attention. I can fine-tune my healing journey by

alternating my attention between distressing memories or sensations and my
resources.

Self-Sabotage to Self-Love

Even though you may feel ready to deepen your healing journey, you may
also feel afraid of this process. Healing from trauma can feel threatening to
your sense of self. Perhaps you feel worried that bringing your attention to
painful memories from the past could disrupt your life. Or you may feel
uncertain about how personal changes could impact your relationships. You
may also find yourself feeling resistant to therapy or the healing process
altogether. As a result, you might sabotage your efforts toward healing.
It is painful when you can’t make or sustain the changes that would
create a healthier or more successful life. When you find yourself engaging
in self-sabotage, this indicates that there might be a conflict between
different parts of yourself. In truth, we all have different parts, including
parts of ourselves that we like and parts that we would rather avoid. We
have parts that we want the world to see and parts that we want to hide. We
also have younger parts that carry the pain of unresolved events from
childhood and parts that reflect the internalized messages we received from
our parents. For example, if your parents couldn’t handle your pain, then
you may have developed a part that continues to push away vulnerable
emotions. Or, if you had a parent who was highly critical of you, then you
may have developed a part of yourself that takes the form of an internalized
self-critic. Importantly, when there are conflicts between these different
parts of yourself, it can start a vicious cycle in which your emotional or
young parts feel exiled and become increasingly frantic (Schwartz, 1997).
As a result, it is common to feel anxious or unsettled.
It is possible to increase awareness of these internal conflicts by
creating a dialogue between these different parts of yourself, which allows
each part of you to have a voice (Stone & Stone, 1998). Treat each part like
an honored guest who has an important message that needs to be heard.
Make sure not to dismiss any part of you as unimportant, as parts that are
ignored or exiled are more likely to lead to self-sabotage. Ultimately,
resolution requires that you listen to, honor, and take responsibility for each
and every part of you. For example, if you tend to be self-critical, then it is
important to give voice to your inner critic and the part of you that feels
criticized. Similarly, it can be highly instrumental to give voice to your
inner observer or wise self and include this part of you in the dialogue as
well. Doing so can help you to connect to you own source of wisdom and
compassion.
Working with parts of yourself is often best supported by the presence
of a caring therapeutic relationship, which is especially important if you are
working with a part that carries shame or feels undeserving of love. Having
a compassionate external witness to your process can help you to move
from self-sabotage to self-love and can allow you to successfully heal the
wounds from your past.
 

36.
Dialogue with Your Inner Critic
This next practice invites you to create a dialogue between the various
parts of yourself. This practice involves using a three chairs approach,
in which each chair represents a part of you that is participating in the
dialogue. The first chair represents your observer or wise self. The
second chair represents the part of yourself that feels judged or
criticized. The third chair represents the part of you that is critical and
judgmental.
Begin by setting up your chairs in a triangular shape. Then, sit in
the seat that reflects the part of you who is the observer and wise self.
Take a few deep breaths and connect to your center. Notice your feet
on the floor. See if you can find a resource that helps you to feel
present and calm. Perhaps you would like to set an intention for this
practice. For example, you might focus on compassion and self-
acceptance.
When you feel grounded, move to the chair that represents the part
of you that feels criticized. Take a moment to reflect upon a time when
you felt judged. Maybe there was an event that triggered these
feelings. Notice how you feel in your body as you think about this
time. What thoughts are you having? What emotions are you feeling?
From this seat, look at the chair of your inner critic. Give voice to the
experience of being criticized. For example, you might say, “It hurts
when you put me down” or “I don’t like it when you criticize me!”
Notice your posture and tone of voice as you sit in this chair. Now,
give yourself an opportunity to say, “What I really need is…”
 When you feel ready, move to the seat that represents your inner
critic. Notice how you feel as you move into this chair. Begin to give
voice to this part of you. Perhaps you start by saying, “You are so…”
or “I don’t like it when you…” Again, notice your posture and tone of
voice. Is there any familiarity to the message communicated by this
part of you? Does this voice remind you of anyone from your past?
Take the time to explore the needs of this part as well. Perhaps this
part is afraid of feeling out of control or powerless. Maybe you
explore the words, “I feel threatened when…”
Now, cultivate a dialogue by going back and forth between the
chair of the inner critic and the part of you that feels criticized. Take
your time until both parts have had an opportunity to be heard and
understood. When you feel ready, move back to the first chair; the seat
of your compassionate and wise self. Take a few deep breaths to
connect back to your center. From this seat, turn your compassionate
attention toward your inner critic. Can you recognize the fear or need
for control that motivates this part of you? What words of wisdom can
you offer to your self-critic? Now, turn your attention to the chair that
represents the part of you that feels criticized. Reflect upon the hurts
and needs that characterize this part of you. From the space of
acceptance and love, what would you like to say to this part of you?
See if you can welcome yourself, just as you are.
If you find that you are having difficulty with this practice,
remember that you do not need to heal alone. If it is difficult to stay
present or to access the wise part of yourself, give yourself the gift of
finding a caring therapist. They will occupy the seat of the
compassionate witness and help you build this capacity for yourself.

________________________________________________________
____

Today is an opportunity to create loving relationships between all of the parts of

me.
 Acceptance and Compassion

When you step into nature, you see that each tree and flower is different
from any other. None are exactly the same. They are each shaped by their
environment in ways that make them swerve in asymmetrical shapes. In
nature, it is easier to recognize that the beauty around you is created by
these imperfect curves and notches. However, the experience of trauma can
leave you feeling like you are “broken” or “damaged.” It may cause you to
carry inaccurate beliefs that you are “flawed” and unworthy of love.
Practicing acceptance and compassion can help you rise up from these
negative internal messages. When you practice self-compassion, you fully
love and accept yourself just as you are. Can you see the ways that your life
has shaped you through a lens of acceptance and compassion? Can you look
at yourself the same way you would appreciate a tree or a flower? What
happens if you embrace your imperfections, knowing that they are part of
what makes you beautiful?
Connecting to intentions of acceptance and compassion is an invitation
to love yourself just as you are. You can imagine that painful emotions and
sensations are parts of yourself knocking at the door of your awareness,
asking for kindness. With practice, you can learn to welcome each part of
yourself without judgment. You can learn to greet yourself with gentleness,
acceptance, compassion, forgiveness, and kindness. As you tenderly give
the gift of acceptance to yourself, notice if you believe that you are worthy
of this kindness. If not, this is a sign to bring in even more love. Turn
toward the rejection and hurt like you would hold a small child. Or follow
the advice of Dr. Kristen Neff, researcher and self-compassion expert, who
suggests that you imagine how you might greet a beloved friend when they
are in pain. Then, see if you can greet yourself with this same degree of
tenderness. Which each uncomfortable feeling, ask yourself the important
question, “What do I need now?”
Research finds that regularly practicing self-compassion is associated
with decreases in depression, anxiety, stress, and shame, as well as
increases in life satisfaction, happiness, self-confidence, and physical health
(Neff, 2011). When you practice self-compassion, you have an opportunity
to slowly and gently open your heart, petal by petal. Living from your heart
in this manner can feel like a prayer. Not a prayer of words or of requests
but, rather, a prayer filled with grace that helps you recognize the precious
gift of being alive.
 

37.
Self-Compassion
Take a few minutes to reflect on a time in your life when you could
have used the support of a compassionate person. Allow yourself to
create an image of this moment in time. Where were you? How old
were you? Now, imagine that your present-day self walks into that
image from your past. Imagine looking at your past self with
compassion. What emotion do you see on the face of your past self?
What does that part of you need the most? Can you allow your
present-day self to meet the needs of your past self? Is there anything
that you would like to say to your young self?
Are there other allies, such as loving people, animals, or spiritual
figures, who you would like to have had with you at that time? If so,
imagine bringing them into this scene. Notice how you feel in your
body now. What emotions are you feeling? Stay with this process for
as long as you like until you feel a sense of completion. If you do not
feel complete, make an agreement to return to this process or to bring
this experience into therapy as needed. Take a few minutes to write
about your experience. Remember, you can repeat this process with
other memories from your life as often as needed.

________________________________________________________
____

I love and accept myself just as I am.

 Turning Toward Shame

Shame is a wound of not belonging. It can leave you feeling like an exile, a
stranger in a strange land. Perhaps you were abused, neglected, or
misunderstood as a child. Or maybe you were excluded, belittled, or
bullied. Shame arises when you take the “side” of the abuser—often
because doing so is the safer option. You feel responsible or tell yourself
that the abuse was in some way your fault. This kind of powerlessness
accompanies feelings of confusion about who is to blame. As a result, you
carry around the faulty belief that there is something inherently wrong with
you.
Shame might also occur as the result of an accumulation of subtle
rejections of your authentic self-expression. You can imagine a child
expressing excitement about a drawing they made for their parent and the
subsequent hurt that arises when the parent responds with disinterest. It is a
profound letdown when your joy goes unmatched or when your gifts are not
received. You might feel embarrassed, humiliated, or overexposed. You
might blush or feel the need to look away and hide your face. In time, you
learn to turn away from that which you deeply desire.
Shame can also arise as a result of a moral injury. A moral injury occurs
when you have behaved in a manner that stands in contradiction to your
values or beliefs (Graham, 2017). For example, a moral injury can occur
after bearing witness to someone being bullied and feeling helpless, unable
to stop it, or incapable of protecting them. A moral injury is common
among service members who may have entered the military in the hope of
protecting their country but end up witnessing or perpetrating violence that
leaves them with feelings of guilt and shame.
It is common to adopt compensatory strategies to cover up shame. For
example, you might lash out and blame other people to avoid feeling shame
and rejection. Or you might withdraw from connection altogether to avoid
the risk of getting hurt, as the possibility of being met with rejection again
can feel intolerable. Although lashing out or isolating yourself might
temporarily reduce your risk of hurt, embarrassment, or rejection, it
perpetuates feelings of shame across time. Ultimately, you will need to
learn how to turn toward these feelings of hurt, humiliation, or
embarrassment without the need to run away, attack yourself, or attack
others.
To do so, you can learn to reach out for connection in small ways.
Sometimes, reaching for connection is initially easier to achieve through
text or email. The screen of a computer or phone can allow you to tolerate
the vulnerability of connection while maintaining a degree of privacy. As
you feel increasingly comfortable, you can explore in-person social
interactions. Initially, you might experiment with simple exchanges, such as
making eye contact or smiling at a stranger in the grocery store. Or, if you
have the tendency to habitually say, “I’m fine” when a caring friend asks
how you are, you might instead explore how it feels to share honestly when
you feel sad or lonely. Ideally, your honesty allows others to respond with
greater sensitivity and kindness, which can lead to a more satisfying
exchange. Importantly, you can choose the timing and depth of your
interactions. You can open up to others and, when you have had enough,
turn inward and connect to yourself.
Shame is a direct connection to your undeniably legitimate human
needs. At some point in our lives, most people have experienced the pain of
being rejected, excluded, misunderstood, or feeling unloved. These are
relatively universal human wounds. As a result, we also share basic needs
to feel accepted, included, understood, and loved. If you have a tendency to
dismiss your feelings, then it will be important to cultivate your ability to
validate your own needs and longings. Once again, this involves the
practice of self-compassion. Ideally, you can learn to turn toward yourself
with kindness by speaking to yourself in a loving tone or gently placing
your hands over your heart in a gesture of self-love.
Brené Brown (2015) writes that it takes great courage to risk feeling
shame, but this process is worthwhile. As you learn to tolerate the
vulnerability of shame, you will also reclaim your capacity to feel joy.
Although some rejections in life are inevitable, you can learn that you will
be okay; perhaps you will even become stronger as a result. Ultimately, you
will learn that while your needs may have been denied by some people, it is
possible to find other people who will effectively meet your needs for
connection, love, excitement, and joy. You can find people who meet you
with enthusiasm now, even if you weren’t celebrated as a child. Although
reaching out for connection entails risks, these risks are worthwhile in
caring relationships.
 

38.
Embodied Compassion
for Shame
Sometimes, when shame arises, you might notice a desire to hide. In
the following self-care practice, you will honor this instinctive impulse
for self-protection. Take some time to bring your attention to a
memory that is connected to the feeling of shame. Set an intention to
bring care and kindness to yourself. Take a few breaths and explore
bringing your palms together, rubbing them until you feel some
warmth, and gently placing your hands over your face. Take a moment
and feel the connection of your hands on your face. Can you feel the
warmth from your palms? How does it feel to give yourself permission
to hide behind your hands?
When shame arises, there is sometimes a tenderness in the space
around your heart. Take a few breaths and rub your hands together
again. This time, gently place your hands over your heart. Take a
moment and breathe into the connection of your hands over your heart.
If it feels right to you, compassionately acknowledge the tenderness of
your heart. Now, return your attention to the memory that is connected
to the feeling of shame, and notice if there is any other place in your
body that needs support. Maybe you notice a sensation in your belly or
in your throat. Explore how it feels to bring your hands over any area
of your body that needs care and attention. Give yourself as much time
as necessary to mindfully explore the feeling of compassionate
connection between your hands and your body. When you feel
complete, take some time to write about your experiences of shame
 and your response to this practice. Remember, it is often important to
seek therapeutic support to help develop compassion for feelings of
shame.

________________________________________________________
____

I turn toward my shame with compassion. My needs for connection are valid.

Somatic Repatterning

Before you were able to stand, walk, or talk, you began to explore the world
through your body. Your natural reflexes such as sucking, curling, reaching,
and grasping movements allowed you to know yourself. The ways in which
you were held, spoken to, and touched also shaped your felt sense of self.
For example, if as a child you knew that you were safe to explore your
environment and that you could reach for (and obtain) what you wanted,
this provided you with a deep sense of accomplishment and gratification.
Growing up in this type of environment, you were also empowered to know
that you could move away from or push away unpleasant experiences.
However, when there is early childhood trauma, our basic instincts are often
blocked. You can imagine a child who was threatened and wanted to kick,
scream, or run away but wasn’t able to do so for fear of making a bad
situation worse.
When it comes to healing from any trauma, it is important to recognize
that the body holds memories of what happened and provides tremendous
feedback regarding the impact of the trauma on your physical being.
Simply put, your body keeps the score (van der Kolk, 2015). For
example, you might carry tension in your body that makes it difficult to
relax, or your posture might be a reflection of your emotions. You might
close off your chest to protect your heart from events that occurred years
ago. You might continue to freeze or collapse in response to current events
that trigger feelings related to your traumatic past. Or you might notice how
trauma from your past obstructs your willingness to look someone in the
eyes, stand up tall, or speak with confidence.
Importantly, your body does not just hold the memory of what happened
—it also holds the memory of what it wanted to happen. For example, if
you were neglected, you may have given up on physically reaching out for
the support of others. In this case, reclaiming your ability to express your
longing for connection can be guided by experiencing the sensations in your
body. A tightness in the throat might resolve by making a sound or crying
out for connection. Or following an impulse to reach out through your arms
can open up a new possibility of reaching out to others in the world now.
This new movement pattern can help to create boundaries in your life today
with greater success.
Healing from trauma involves increasing your awareness of these
habitual patterns of tension in your body. Once you develop this awareness,
then you can start to experiment with small changes in your breath, posture,
eye contact, and body movement. For example, if you tend to keep your
arms in tight to your body, then you might experiment with how it feels to
take up more space. Or you might explore lengthening your spine and
lifting your gaze, and notice how these subtle changes impact your sense of
self.
As you continue to explore your somatic experience, you might begin to
notice various movement impulses. Although it can take time to learn to
trust your instincts and intuition, this process can eventually help you find
resolution in body and mind. Explore trusting your body and following
sensations that help you to unwind tension. If you tend to have tension in
your jaw, then you might exaggerate your sensations by scrunching your
face tightly and then opening your jaw into a wide yawn. Or if you tend to
hunch your shoulders, then you could follow that impulse until you curl into
a small ball. Eventually, you can allow yourself to freely associate, noticing
any thoughts, memories, or images that arise as you honor your sensations
and movement impulses.
Sometimes this process of somatic repatterning can cause trembling or
shaking in your arms and legs as you release long-held tension from your
body. Within somatic psychology, this process of discharging tension from
the body is referred to as sequencing (Aposhyan, 2007). In sequencing, you
aim to allow feelings to move all the way through your body—out your
arms or legs—until you feel a sense of relief or satisfaction. As you release
tension from your body, you have an opportunity to discover a greater sense
of freedom in your body and mind. Your body gives you feedback about
when the events of the past no longer define your life in the present.
Often, working with a therapist is instrumental to any embodiment
practice because habitual somatic patterns can be difficult to recognize; they
are fundamentally integrated into the fibers of our identity. A somatically
trained therapist can offer a compassionate reflection of your embodied
self-expression.
 

39.
Healing Through Movement
Take some time to bring your attention to a difficult memory. As you
reflect upon this time in your life, notice the sensations in your body.
Perhaps scan your body from head to toe and notice any areas of
tension. Are these feelings and sensations familiar? What happens if
you explore subtle movements that increase your awareness of these
areas of your body? Maybe you tighten an area of your body or
breathe more deeply into your sensations.
Notice if you feel any urge to move your body. Perhaps you notice
a desire to push into your arms or your feet. Maybe you feel an
impulse to reach out with your hands. Or you might notice a desire to
move your legs as if you were running away or kicking. You can also
explore making a sound that matches the feeling in your body. Give
yourself as much time as you need to find any movements or sounds
that match the sensations you have in your body. Allow any
spontaneous movements to sequence out your arms or legs.
When you feel complete, take a few moments to come into
stillness and notice your connection to your body. Reflect upon the
distressing memory that you started with and observe if anything has
changed. Perhaps you sense a feeling of satisfaction or resolution.
Releasing tension in the body is a vulnerable process. If you notice a
lingering sense of frustration, then you may choose to work through
this memory in therapy.
When you feel ready, take some time to write about your
experience, knowing that you can repeat this process with other
sensations or areas of tension.
 ________________________________________________________
____

I can learn to trust my sensations and movement instincts. I am embodied.

A Light in the Dark

Sometimes, the most persistent symptoms of PTSD are connected to events

for which you have no clear memory. Our earliest memories, often referred
to as implicit memories or “body memories,” are not stored as images but,
rather, are felt as sensations or states of physiological arousal (Schore,
2012). This is because our brains do not develop the language capacity
needed to put memories into words until we are about 3 years old.
Therefore, implicit memories might come in the form of flashes of images,
disconnected fragments, or uncomfortable physical sensations with no
known cause. If you experienced medical complications during or after
your birth, grew up neglected, or suffered abuse as a child, then these events
may have been encoded as implicit memories.
Implicit memories are not just confined to early experiences in
childhood, as traumatic events are also encoded into your implicit memory
system. It is for this reason that traumatic events that occurred later in life
can sometimes be difficult to remember as well. Traumatic stress can impair
the brain structures involved with the formation of explicit memories,
which prevents your brain from consolidating the trauma and organizing it
within a context of your previous experiences. When the traumatic
experience fails to be integrated in this manner, it forms the physiological
basis for dissociative memories. Dissociation is not solely a biological
response; it is a psychological defense as well. In this case, dissociation
keeps intolerable emotions, sensations, and arousal states out of conscious
awareness.
Implicit memories are not reliable. These memories often contain
vividly recalled fragments of sensory details, such as smells, sounds, or felt
experiences. However, the research on implicit memories suggests that
these fragments do not represent an exact replay of the original set of events
(Loftus & Ketcham, 1994). When we remember any memory, we are almost
always inserting new information related to our present state of mind and
environment. Moreover, as human beings, we are storytellers. We tend to
fill in the missing elements of memories because we have a fundamental
need to develop a narrative that is consistent with our current sense of self.
It is important to know that you can heal from traumatic events even if
you cannot recall all of the details of the trauma. Although it can be
tempting to project a narrative onto your body memories, learn to describe
the somatic sensations associated with the memory instead. For instance,
you might use words like tingly, hot, dull, heavy, or sharp. However, it can
be difficult to talk about or describe traumatic memories, especially if you
have symptoms of dissociation. In this case, you might experience
sensations of nausea, fatigue, or dizziness. Moreover, you might notice
areas of numbness. Here the task is to slowly turn toward the dissociative
symptoms or experience of numbness. Notice what happens as you stay
committed to repairing this disconnection with yourself. It is often
important to bring in your resources of grounding, imagined allies, or self-
compassion, especially because this process can evoke feelings of shame or
self-doubt.
Remember, the goal of therapy is not memory retrieval; rather, the goal
is trauma recovery in which you actively distinguish the past from the
present. In this way, you learn to bring a light into the darkness. You heal as
you focus on the choices available to you in your life now. As a result, you
reclaim your resilience. Explore the next two practices to help you attend to
implicit memories.
 

40.
Working with a Story Memory
Sometimes the content of implicit memories is known because you
have been told a story about your life. What do you know about the
first two or three years of your life? Do you know the story of your
birth? Do you know if you were wanted? Do you know if there were
any medical complications that happened in your early childhood?
Were there any losses in your family, such as a death or divorce? Take
some time to reflect upon one of these experiences and notice the
sensations that you experience in your body. Perhaps you want to
imagine a supportive ally who can be with you. Notice if you are
aware of any movement impulses. Begin to describe your somatic
experience. What helps you find a sense of resolution in body and
mind with this implicit memory? Take some time to write about your
experience.

________________________________________________________
____

I trust the wisdom of my body to unwind the stories of the past.

 

41.
Working with an
Unknown Memory
Sometimes the content of implicit memories is not known. In this case,
you might only notice somatic sensations with little to no images or
words. Here the invitation is to remain curious about your experience.
You might have thoughts or images that arise, but it is important to
hold these experiences lightly. If you feel the urge to tell a story about
your experience, see if you can return to describing your sensations.
See what happens as you stay with your sensations. If you feel numb,
give yourself permission to attend to this experience. Allow yourself
to notice your thoughts and emotions. If you notice that you want to
judge your sensations as good or bad, focus on compassion and self-
acceptance instead. Perhaps you want to imagine a supportive ally
who can be with you. Notice if you are you aware of any movement
impulses. Begin to describe your somatic experience. What helps you
find a sense of resolution with the sensations or vague memory?
Take some time to write about your experience. If you find it
challenging to work directly with the sensations or vague memory,
then you can also work with implicit memories using the process of
pendulation presented in Practice 35. Traumatic memories that are
preverbal or have dissociative elements can be very challenging. This
work is best supported in the context of therapy.

________________________________________________________
____
 I do not need to remember the details of the past in order to heal. My body is my
teacher.

The Transgenerational Legacy

Unresolved trauma of one generation can be a legacy that gets passed down
to the next generation and those that follow. This transferring of
transgenerational trauma can occur either directly or indirectly. For
example, perhaps your dad felt that he wasn’t good enough for his father, or
your mom grew up in a household characterized by neglect. Perhaps
someone in your family experienced the death of a child that was never
grieved, or they were witness to a large-scale traumatic event, such as the
Holocaust or Hiroshima. What if these traumas of the past remained taboo
subjects that no one ever talked about?
When previous generations’ traumas remain unprocessed, it can slow
down or interfere with your forward-focused energy, leaving you feeling
heavy or stuck. It can also impact your relationships with your significant
others and your children. For example, if you needed to take care of your
mother as a child, then you might resent having to take care of your own
child because no one was there for you. Or perhaps you find yourself
terrified of losing a child and learn of a similar loss faced by your
grandmother. Maybe you find yourself hovering over or yelling at your
children even though you swore you wouldn’t act like your parents.
Why do we repeat painful emotional and behavioral patterns across
generations? Transgenerational trauma is often carried forth through
implicit memories that hold experiences of the past in the form of
sensations and emotions. One way these legacies are handed down across
generations is through the early attachment relationship between parents
and their children. Patterns of facial expressions, tone of voice, and touch
can be passed down, parent-to-child, for many generations. In turn, you
might experience distressing sensations, emotions, or physical symptoms of
illness with no known cause. Initially, you might look for personal causes to
try and explain your symptoms. However, when you look further back in
your family tree, you might discover that your symptoms are invisibly
connected to traumatic events that occurred long before you were born. You
might be sensing remnants of unresolved trauma from generations that
preceded you.
Unresolved trauma changes how the body responds to and manages
stress, and these physiological changes can be detected in subsequent
generations. For example, children born to mothers with PTSD are more
likely to develop PTSD if they too face a traumatic life experience (Yehuda,
2008). This example of transgenerational trauma is, in part, due to changes
in how these children are raised. For example, if a parent has PTSD, then
they are more likely to feel anxious and worried. They might have a harder
time letting their children be free to explore the world due to fears that
something bad could happen to them. They might come across as angry,
controlling, or intrusive. As a result, children might respond by becoming
anxious, submissive, or angry themselves. These genetic changes and
behavioral legacies can lead to disruptions in emotional and physical health.
From an evolutionary standpoint, these children can be thought of as pre-
conditioned or biologically prepared for stress.
Perhaps you already know about stories of challenges faced by previous
generations in your family. If not, take the time to illuminate your ancestral
roots, as attending to the legacy of transgenerational trauma can be an
important component of reclaiming your emotional health and physical
well-being (Wolynn, 2016). It can provide insight into your symptoms and
reveal invisible barriers that stand between you and your life goals. Most
importantly, you hold the potential for a new, revised future. You can feel
and move yourself through and beyond what has been handed down to you.
Attend to the stories that you have learned about previous generations. You
might grieve for their losses or explore how to make amends for their
transgressions. Even if you have no way to learn about your family stories,
you might still sense a story in your body. In this case, you can learn to trust
your capacity to heal by releasing tension from your body, making space for
your emotions, and releasing any limiting beliefs that inhibit your ability to
live freely. Through mindful embodiment practices, you can learn to
differentiate the present from the past.
Any story can either bind you or free you, depending on how it is told.
Once you recognize that you are carrying a family legacy, you get to choose
how this story ends. You have an opportunity to let go of the burdens of the
past. What if all your ancestors ever wanted was for you to be the best
possible version of yourself? What happens if you imagine the generations
that preceded you standing at your back, wishing you well? Can you give
yourself permission to imagine a future filled with new possibilities? Who
will you become? What will you give to the next generation?
 

42.
Transgenerational Healing
This practice invites you to reflect on the generations before you, both
those living and those that are deceased. Think about your family of
origin, including grandparents, great-grandparents, and any other
relatives that come to mind. Are you aware of any traumatic events
that happened to your parents or previous generations in your family?
Are you aware of any family secrets? Do you know if any traumatic
events or losses were never fully healed? Are you aware of any
unfinished business?
What do you notice in your body as you reflect upon your family?
Are you aware of any emotions? Do you notice any beliefs about
yourself or the world? What words best describe your experience right
now? By exploring the stories of your past, you have an opportunity to
find a resolution that best serves your future. What would help you to
resolve any lingering hurts, resentments, fears, or regrets that were
passed on to you? In what ways can even the difficult experiences of
your parents or ancestors help you to become a stronger or better
person?

________________________________________________________
____

Attending to my ancestral roots helps me grow toward my future.

 No Mud, No Lotus

From a Jungian perspective, the deep, transformational work of attending to

traumatic wounds can be considered shadow work. The shadow is
comprised of all of the parts of yourself that feel too risky to bring out into
the world. In short, the shadow contains all of the qualities that contribute to
the person who you would rather not be. You can think of shadow work as
attending to the muddy places from your past. In his book No Mud, No
Lotus, Buddhist teacher Thich Naht Hanh (2014) informs us that in order
for the lotus flower to grow, it must have its roots in the mud. He uses this
as a reminder that we must make use of our suffering in order to find our
happiness. He cautions that we do not want to get stuck in the muck, which
can lead us to only see our suffering. However, if we avoid our pain, then
we also avoid our growth.
The shadow can live within your body and within your psyche. It can
arise as grief, beliefs of unworthiness, powerfully vivid dreams, or patterns
of tension, pain, and illness. You might discover the shadow in strong
reactions to stories, movies, or myths. Whether the shadow is personal or
related to your family or culture, these themes need to be brought forward
into the light of awareness so they do not become a blind spot in your life.
When left unaddressed, any denied part of the self can become a blind spot.
When driving your car, you put yourself at risk if you forget to look over
your shoulder and check your blind spot. However, this is true in all parts of
life. As you learn to turn toward these hidden places, you are actually better
able to protect yourself and move more successfully through the world. By
attending to your own personal suffering, you also have an opportunity to
develop compassion for the suffering of others (Halifax, 2004). You can
learn how deeply interconnected we all are with each other and our planet.
When you sense a connection to your shadow, you might explore
asking, “What are you here to teach me?” or “What do you need from me?”
This process can involve exploring uncomfortable or unwanted memories,
emotions, and body sensations. The goal of shadow work is not to transcend
the darkness nor is it to become trapped by it. Rather, you touch into your
pain and allow yourself to be transformed in the process. You become your
own personal alchemist, capable of turning the lead of traumatic events into
the gold of insight. Remember, shadow work is part of the hero’s journey.
What tools or allies do you need to befriend your fears and confront your
inner demons?
Exploring the content of your dreams and nightmares is a powerful
approach to working with your shadow. You can explore a dream with the
assumption that all characters and symbols are parts of you. Bring these
images to life by writing them down, exploring them in therapy, re-
imagining them, or acting them out. You can explore embodying the various
images as parts of you. This gives you the opportunity to go within and
discover the personal significance of your dream. It is yours to interpret.
Moreover, you might work with the same dream more than once, with the
recognition that a dream can have many meanings depending upon how or
when you look at it. Furthermore, if you have nightmares in which you feel
stuck or dreams that end prematurely, you can use the power of your mind
to envision a new ending. Jung called this active imagination, a process by
which you allow your waking mind to create a more satisfying completion
to a dream.
If you don’t remember your dreams, this same process can be done with
fantasies. Perhaps you experience an obsession about an ex-partner or a
fascination with a stranger across the room. Or, alternatively, you might
notice a strong repulsion or feeling of disgust that arises in response to
someone in your life. You can free up shadow material that is bound in
fantasies and reactions by reclaiming what this object or person represents
for you. As you bring this person to mind, try saying, “You are the part of
me that…” and allow yourself to notice what arises.
As you enter the sacred practice of shadow work, be open to the gifts of
self-discovery. Attending to the shadow not only illuminates the darker
parts of your personality, but it also gives you access to disowned, positive
parts of yourself. Remember, this is a quest for wholeness. Perhaps you
received messages that you should stay small or that you were “too much.”
In this case, shadow work might be an invitation for you to take ownership
of your strengths and potential. Just like the lotus flower, shadow work can
help you embrace your capacity for growth.
 

43.
Working with the Shadow
Take some time to reflect on these writings about the shadow. Are you
aware of the way that your shadow tries to get your attention? Maybe
you remember a powerful dream or a notable reaction to a movie or
book. Perhaps you notice a strong positive or negative reaction to
another person. Choose one of these access points to use as a focus for
this practice of working with your shadow. As you bring the image,
feeling, or person to mind, notice your experience in your body and
mind. Take a moment to sit with this phrase, “You are the part of me
that…” and allow yourself to notice what comes to your mind. Ask
this image or feeling, “What are you here to teach me?” Now, allow
yourself to notice what arises when you ask, “What do you need from
me?” Give yourself as much time as necessary to write your responses,
knowing that you can repeat this process with other dreams, images,
fantasies, and reactions as needed. While there are many ways to
integrate shadow material on your own, there are times when you
might need therapeutic support to process the parts of you that are split
off, hidden, or denied.

________________________________________________________
____

By honoring my shadow, I embrace my wholeness.

 Chapter Review

The aim of this chapter was to help you to attend more directly to the pain
related to traumatic events and loss. This deepened process of self-
discovery asked you to explore your edges, expand your tolerance for
discomfort, and release the impact of traumatic events from your body. You
explored your own rhythms of expansion and contraction. You explored
your feelings about the process of change and developed an empowerment
resource to help you find the strength to overcome your own personal
obstacles. You received guidance on trauma reprocessing from the
perspective of EMDR therapy and somatic repatterning. You looked at the
parts of you that sabotage your healing efforts or carry shame and practiced
bringing in greater self-compassion. Lastly, you brought skills of memory
reprocessing and somatic repatterning into preverbal events and
transgenerational traumas. All of these practices are aspects of shadow
work—a process that helps you to reclaim your wholeness.
As you proceed forward in this book, remember that growth is not
linear. You can reestablish a connection to your resources from Chapter 2
and return to the transformational practices of this chapter to reenergize
your path forward.
 

Review and Reflect

Take a few minutes to review your responses to the self-reflection
practices in this chapter. What have you learned about yourself? What
are you aware of now?

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 CHAPTER 4
…

Awakening: Blooming
into
Post-Traumatic Growth

The transformational process of working through traumatic events often

provides an increased self-awareness and a greater recognition of your
strengths. In this chapter, you will have an opportunity to focus on
integrating the insights gained from the previous chapters. You can think of
this as the time to attend to the new growth in your garden. The seeds which
you planted may still be fresh, green sprouts that require protection and
careful tending. It is important that you do not approach these tender shoots
of growth aggressively. Rather, each season of the transformational process
encourages self-compassion and nourishing rest so that you can stay rooted
while you grow. With the sunlight of your awareness, you can guide
yourself to bloom into your full potential by growing the thoughts and
actions that support your best self. You get to choose what parts of your life
you want to grow and flourish. You cultivate post-traumatic growth by
actively exploring the meaning that you make out of your life experiences.
Perhaps you find profound self-discoveries that could never have been
achieved without having faced losses or challenges. This chapter will help
you focus on your strengths and build a life of purpose.

From Pain to Possibility

One of the key ways that we grow from adversity lies in the ways that we
interpret or make meaning about our life experiences (Tedeschi et al.,
2018). In particular, post-traumatic growth is fostered by reflecting upon
our experiences in a way that provides a sense of meaning or purpose. From
this lens, traumatic events can be catalysts for growth. For example, we
might realize that we are stronger than we previously believed, be more
likely to accept ourselves as we are, have an increased appreciation of life,
develop new interests or passions, or discover new spiritual perspectives
(Tedeschi et al., 2018). Importantly, creating meaning out of trauma
involves coming to terms with the lack of reason or overpowering
senselessness that often surrounds acts of violence, abuse, or even natural
disasters (Frankl, 1959/2006). It can feel nearly impossible to comprehend
such events, especially when they are delivered by fellow humans.
However, this is the task of trauma recovery: to reflect upon our losses and
discover that which helps us derive a sense of meaning out of suffering.
Looking for meaning is not the same as saying, “All things happen for a
reason,” which is a misused phrase that can be both confusing and hurtful.
Rather, meaning comes from actively committing yourself to the task of
working through despair until you feel a sense of hope for your future.
Sometimes traumatic events can lead you to question existing belief
systems that have provided you with a sense of meaning. You might
question your spiritual beliefs, explore spirituality for the first time, or
wonder how any divine presence (God, universal life force, infinite spirit)
could allow atrocities or evil to exist in the world. Ultimately, how you
answer these questions and make meaning out of the trauma is a very
personal process. There is no universal meaning that can be generalized to
all people or situations. You need to explore what feels right to you, and
only you will know when you have just the right words.
There are three common sources of meaning, each of which is
connected to the values that you hold about yourself and for your life
(Frankl, 1986). The first source of meaning is connected to having creative
values, in which meaning is connected to an action of creation, such as
expressing yourself musically, artistically, constructively, or intellectually.
In other words, the act of building a house, writing a book, or completing a
painting helps give meaning to your struggles. The second source of
meaning comes from having experiential values, in which meaning is
derived through inspiring, life-changing moments. Such moments might be
found in feeling awe within the beauty of nature, sensing the miracle in the
birth of a child, exploring world travel, or feeling deeply loved by another
human being. The third source of meaning comes from having attitudinal
values, which refers to the ability to reflect upon your life circumstances.
You didn’t choose what happened to you, but you do have the freedom to
choose how you respond to those events. It is in the power of your beliefs
and attitudes that gives you this freedom.
When you first embark on the journey of meaning making, it is helpful
to do so within the context of a trusting and compassionate relationship,
such as with a therapist. Engaging in a search for meaning with someone
else can be especially important if you feel an ongoing sense of
helplessness or despair, as the presence of another person can help remind
you that change is achievable. Together you can arrive at new conclusions
about the pain of your past and discover new possibilities for your future.
Meaning making is an ongoing process, so give yourself permission to
adapt and change your story until you arrive at a satisfactory ending. The
more difficult the trauma or loss, the harder you will have to work to find
your inner strength, courage, and sense of hope. Once you have defined
your story and come to an adequate conclusion, you might choose to share
your story with others. Doing so can help you integrate your experience and
realize a deeper sense of yourself.
 

44.
Making Meaning
Out of Suffering
Take some time to reflect upon the traumatic events or losses that you
have faced. In what ways have you already created meaning about the
events of your past? In what ways have these events changed you?
Have any of these events resulted in positive changes in your life? Are
you aware of any strengths that you have discovered as a result of your
difficult experiences? In what ways do you relate to the descriptions of
creative, experiential, and attitudinal values? How do you currently
express these values in your life?

________________________________________________________
____

I have the freedom to choose how I make sense of and respond to my unique life
experiences. I can move from pain to possibility.

Passion and Purpose

Values can be thought of as a compass that helps motivate you to grow in

the direction of your dreams. Although people sometimes confuse values
with goals, there are important differences between the two. Values connect
to what you stand for and what you want your life to be about, whereas
goals are more specific achievements that are motivated by your values. In
other words, values are the underlying principles that drive goal-directed
behaviors. For example, if you value creative expression, then your goal
may be to finish a painting. Similarly, if you value curiosity, then your goal
may be to learn a new skill. Importantly, you cultivate a meaningful life
when you live in alignment with your values, so it is important to reflect on
whether the life you are living is actually focused around what brings you a
sense of meaning (Hayes, 2005). For example, you might value spending
quality time with other people but have few social interactions. If a gap like
this exists between your values and how you actually live your life, then it
can lead to frustration and dissatisfaction.
You can increase your overall well-being by reducing the discrepancies
that exist between your actual life and your ideal life. You close this gap by
aligning your mind, emotions, body, and behaviors toward a congruent and
cohesive whole. You create value-based actions that help you to feel
fulfilled and self-actualized in your life. Such value-driven behaviors might
include expressing your creativity, spending time outdoors, spending
quality time with other people, taking care of others, volunteering in your
community, becoming well educated, or taking time for spiritual reflection.
You can also promote wellness in your life by focusing on your
capabilities rather than deficits or diagnoses (Seligman, 2004). Identify the
strengths that you already possess, and then focus on doing something each
day that draws on those strengths. Some examples of common character
strengths include creativity, open-mindedness, love of learning, bravery,
persistence, integrity, kindness, fairness, leadership, humility, forgiveness,
gratitude, humor, hope, and having a sense of social responsibility (Peterson
& Seligman, 2004). For example, if kindness is one of your strengths, then
you might explore how it feels to do a random act of kindness each day,
such as allowing a car to move into your lane or giving a friend a
compliment. Or if you exhibit a strong sense of social responsibility, then
you might explore how it feels when you volunteer for a cause you believe
in.
When your behaviors are expressions of your strengths and values, you
are more likely to feel as though your entire life is organized around a core
sense of yourself. You will feel as if you are in the flow of your life.
Perhaps you begin to experience a sense of effortlessness or ease in
expressing yourself in the world. Identifying your strengths and values can
help you to focus your efforts so that you can achieve your goals. As a
result, you live a life that expresses your passions and fulfills a deeper sense
of purpose.
 

45.
Identifying Your Values
Take some time to think about what it is you value in life. Do you
value being creative, connecting with nature, spending time with loved
ones, giving back to the community, learning new things, or taking
time for spiritual reflection? What gives you meaning? Now, think
about the kinds of people that you admire. What are the characteristics
or behaviors of these individuals that you appreciate most? What does
this teach you about your own values? How would you like your life
to look a month from now or a year from now? What does this ideal
future teach you about your values? Knowing that your values might
change over time, take a few minutes to create a list of values that you
would like to focus on at this time in your life. As you look over this
list, take a moment to reflect on how often you participate in behaviors
that are aligned with these values. Write down some ways you can
design your life to better reflect your values.

________________________________________________________
____

I choose behaviors that reflect my values to live a life of purpose.

 

46.
Exploring Your Strengths
Look over the following list of common character strengths and
identify which traits characterize you: creativity, open-mindedness,
love of learning, bravery, persistence, integrity, kindness, fairness,
leadership, humility, forgiveness, gratitude, humor, hope, and having a
sense of social responsibility. Is there something that is not included
on this list that speaks to your soul? In what ways is your life already
aligned with your strengths? What new actions would help you to
create greater alignment? Take a few moments to write down your
thoughts.

________________________________________________________
____

I align my life with my strengths to increase my well-being.

Will and Surrender

Within the mindfulness practice of yoga there is a premise that will and
surrender are polarities that need to exist in balance. Like two wings of a
bird, these qualities need to function in tandem to create flight. This offers a
beautiful metaphor for life. Too much willful effort and you risk becoming
aggressive toward yourself. Too much emphasis on surrender and you risk
feeling passive or stagnant. There is also a profound paradox between
focusing on willful change and deeply accepting yourself just as you are.
Sometimes we can so become so focused on a making a change that we
create unnecessary anxiety. However, you are more likely to grow and
actualize your potential when you feel deeply loved and accepted just as
you are (Rogers, 1961/1995). Explore what happens when you allow
yourself to trust that you can achieve your goals without having to
approach your growth aggressively.
In order to help you fulfill your potential, you can get into the practice
of setting an intention, which involves putting your goals, hopes, or desires
into words. Intentions are a reminder of how you would like to live your
life. It is your intentions that bring energy to your actions in the world. To
set an intention, choose a word or create a short phrase that aligns with how
you want to live. For example, if your goal is to be less self-critical, then
you might set an intention that states, “I intend to love and accept myself as
I am.” If you would like to lead a more balanced life, then your intention
may be, “I intend to honor what my body needs.”
Keep in mind that your intentions might change over time. For instance,
you might initially set an intention to focus on forgiveness, but, over time,
this might evolve into a focus on acceptance. It is important to hold your
intention loosely enough to accommodate your growth and change. Most
importantly, once you have set your intention, give yourself permission to
surrender and trust that you have set an important process in motion.
You can think of the act of setting an intention as planting a seed in the
garden of your mind. This seed holds the potential for your visions and
dreams. However, you must bury this seed in the earth and trust that in time
this seed will grow and bloom in a way that energizes and shapes your life.
Of course, you must provide the seed with the right soil, water, nutrients,
and sunlight. You cannot rush or force the growth of the seed just as you
must allow for the full expression of your intention to occur when it is the
right time.
The following classic Sufi tale can help illuminate the value of
balancing will and surrender in relation to setting an intention for growth. In
this story, a stream longs to reach the faraway mountains. This stream has
already travelled a long, long distance and is confident that it can cross any
barrier. Indeed, it has carved its way through rocks, leaving behind
impressive canyons. It has changed landscapes and meandered across the
vast countryside. Now the stream comes to the edge of the desert and is
convinced that its destiny is to cross over to the great mountains in the
distance. However, no matter how hard it tries, the stream disappears into
the sand. The stream tries to hurl itself across the sand but cannot find a
way. Then the stream hears the whispered voice of the desert saying, “If the
wind crosses the desert so can the stream.” The stream is discouraged,
thinking, “The wind can fly but I am not the wind.” The voice speaks again,
“Your accustomed way of hurling yourself into the sand will not let you
cross. Allow yourself to be absorbed into the wind.” The stream does not
like this idea and is frightened of losing its identity. Again the desert speaks,
“The wind will carry you over the desert to the mountains.” “How can I be
sure of that?” wonders the stream. The desert responds once more, “In
either case, you cannot remain the same, for if you continue in this way you
will either disappear or end up as a marsh.” So, with great courage, the
stream surrenders. Lifted as vapor, the stream is carried by the wind to the
faraway mountains, and as the rain falls, it once again becomes a stream.
In this story, were the stream to have had no will or aspiration, then it
would have disappeared into the sands. However, without the ability to
surrender, it would have never made its way to the mountains. Likewise,
allow yourself to have intentions that support your aspirations and goals.
Trust that you have planted the seeds that will allow you to grow into your
full potential. Then explore what is possible when you surrender, trust, and
let go.
 

47.
Setting Your Intention
What are you seeking to create more of in your life? Identify and write
down an intention or set of intentions that support you in reaching
these goals. You can choose to say this intention when you wake up in
the morning and again before going to sleep at night. Or if you engage
in a regular mindfulness practice, then you can say your intention to
yourself or write it in a journal each time to begin your practice. It is
also a powerful practice to share your intention with another person, as
having a witness to your intention can help anchor it in the world.
Remember, you do not need to hold your intention firmly or with
effort. Explore what happens when you trust that you have set a
process in motion. Surrender and see what you notice over time.

________________________________________________________
____

I am living with intention. I balance willful acts of change with my ability to

surrender.

Time to Rest

There are times when you simply must trust that you have worked hard
enough. It is okay to give yourself permission to take time to rest. Too much
focus on growth can lead you to deplete your resources. Farmers recognize
that there are times when a field must be allowed to go fallow. This allows
the land to regain nutrients that were sucked dry by too much planting.
Likewise, when you feel tired, you can find balance by slowing down and
drawing your awareness inward. This might look like taking a nap,
engaging in a guided relaxation practice, participating in a restorative yoga
practice, getting a massage, or going to bed early. Recognizing your need to
rest will help you pace yourself during your transformational journey;
ultimately, this can enhance your capacity for new growth.
Most of us live in a world that is overstimulating and leaves the nervous
system in a state of hyperarousal. Recall that imbalances in your nervous
system can lead to disruptions in your physical health. Too much stress can
lead to high blood pressure, blood sugar imbalances, and a suppressed
immune system. In contrast, long periods of immobilization can contribute
to digestive disturbances, chronic pain, and the development of autoimmune
disorders. Integrating relaxation and restorative practices into your life
can help you slow down, calm your nervous system, and find a greater
sense of balance. Relaxation practices provide an antidote to our stressful,
modern lifestyle and offer an opportunity to restore your body and mind by
accessing the nourishing aspect of your parasympathetic nervous system.
The key is to find a healthy relationship to rest, which requires that you
differentiate a healthy relaxation response from that which causes you to
feel collapsed, immobilized, or helpless.
Restorative practices can also help you reclaim your health by
replenishing your endocrine system, which is responsible for regulating
sleep, metabolism, appetite, digestion, and hormone balance. In particular,
these practices balance your endocrine system by reducing cortisol,
alleviating symptoms of depression, enhancing immune system functioning,
improving thyroid functioning, and nourishing your digestive organs. As a
result, you are better able to take in the nutrients in your food and
successfully release wastes or toxins from your body.
When you engage in relaxation and restorative practices, you are invited
to descend into a quiet space, one in which you have the opportunity to
simply be. It is a space of no thoughts, no actions, and no productivity.
Descending into this space involves sensing the heaviness in your body.
When you initially begin to engage in this practice, you might notice that
you resist the call to go inside and rest. You might fear that if you slow
down, you will get stuck in stagnancy or that you will miss an opportunity.
Or maybe you have received historical messages that you’re lazy if you’re
not always productive. In this case, it is important to reclaim your
relationship with rest by redefining it as a healthy rhythm—one that will
ultimately allow you to be more productive when the time is right.
Experiment for yourself with this next practice, which you have
permission to repeat as often as needed. Throughout your day and week, see
if you can honor when it is time for you to rest. Perhaps it will be helpful to
think of rest as a pull toward your center—an opportunity to connect deep
into the core of your being. Perhaps this even offers you a chance to
connect spiritually to yourself. See if you can trust that when the time is
right, you will emerge stronger.
 

48.
Relax and Restore
Take some time to prepare for the following relaxation practice. You
will need a quiet, uninterrupted space. You might choose to play soft,
relaxing music if you find that this creates a calm and peaceful
environment. If possible, dim the lights to support your awareness to
drawing inward. If you know that you have any time restrictions, you
might want to set a timer for your practice. Hopefully, you can engage
in this relaxation practice for at least 5 minutes; but, ideally you can
extend this practice to 20 minutes.
Now, set up a space where you can find a relaxing position lying
on your back. Perhaps you place a yoga mat or a blanket underneath
you. You might also choose to place a blanket on top of you for
warmth. You might place another folded blanket underneath your
knees or a small pillow underneath your head. Adjust your position
until you feel supported. Once you have positioned yourself
comfortably, begin to scan your body with your awareness. Make
space for whatever feelings arise, including any areas of tension or
constriction. Take a deep inhale and imagine letting go of this tension
on your exhale. Continue noticing your breath and inviting yourself to
be still. Feel the heaviness of your body. Invite yourself to surrender
into this deep relaxation. When you have completed your relaxation
practice, take your time returning to sitting. Slowly, blink your eyes
open. Notice the sights and sounds around you. When you feel ready,
take a few minutes to write about your experience.
If you found this practice challenging, you might revisit Practice
23 “Reclaiming Safety in Mind and Body” to help strengthen your
 ability to safely immobilize into your parasympathetic nervous system.

________________________________________________________
____

I give myself permission to rest. I deeply restore my body and mind.

Buried Treasure and Hidden Joys

Having worked through the pain of your past, you might be noticing
positive beliefs and feelings that were previously inaccessible. For example,
you may have carried faulty beliefs that you were not lovable or that you
were unworthy of joy. You might have inaccurately concluded that you
would never feel safe in this world. However, after reprocessing the past,
perhaps you are now able to recognize that you were always worthy of
being loved or that you can make choices to protect your safety. As you
arrive at a sense of completion with your past, it is common to feel more
accepting of yourself. Once you have access to these positive feelings and
beliefs about yourself, it is beneficial to take your time integrating these
new experiences into your sense of self. You can enhance a good feeling by
slowing down, breathing into the positive sensations, and allowing yourself
to fully receive the nourishment of positive states.
However, sometimes it is difficult to focus on the positive elements of
life. This can be especially true if you had to diminish your joy during
childhood. You might have memories of being put down for expressing
your enthusiasm or exuberance. Or perhaps you were told that celebrating a
good thing might make it go away. As a result, you may have learned to
dim your brilliance, or you might feel frightened of these uplifting
emotions. You might feel as if joy isn’t as important as pain or grief. Or
perhaps guilt interferes with your ability to feel happy.
We all have a built-in “negativity bias” that causes us to focus on
negative experiences and give them more weight, and this is especially true
if you have a history of trauma. In order to counteract this negativity bias,
we need to actively look for evidence of positivity and goodness in our
lives. Doing so is especially important if you tend to dismiss your positive
emotions. According to Dr. Rick Hanson, you can “hardwire happiness”
and combat the negativity bias by following the acronym HEAL: Have a
positive experience, Enrich it, Absorb it, and Link positive and negative
material (Hanson, 2016). Focusing on positive experiences does not involve
denying challenging experiences; rather, it involves integrating nourishing
life moments into your life as a whole. As a result, you are more likely to
reflect on how your life is a combination of both challenging and joyful
experiences. With practice, it becomes easier to recall moments of
happiness while simultaneously attending to your pain.
Another way to grow positive moments is to share your joy with others.
When you allow another person to know you inside of your joy, this creates
an opportunity for an intimate exchange of uplifting emotions. Of course,
this practice requires choosing people who will celebrate you and your
accomplishments. Your openness can become an invitation for another
person to expand into their joy and may spark the blossoming of shared
happiness. As a result of sharing, see if you can stay with the positive
experience for longer periods of time.
You can also linger in and savor any positive moments by engaging in
gratitude practices. Gratitude practices, such as keeping a daily gratitude
journal, are associated with positive mood, increased optimism, a sense of
connection to others, decreased pain, and better sleep (Emmons, 2007).
Experiment for yourself. Notice what happens if you actively seek out the
buried treasure and hidden joys of positive moments in your life. Notice the
colors, sounds, scents, and tastes of each joyful experience. Give yourself
permission to fully enjoy a hot cup of tea or slowly take in each distinct
flavor in a favorite meal. Go for a walk outside and take the time to notice
the colors of the trees, grass, and sky. Allow yourself to be nourished by the
things you love.
What joys do you discover in your breath or in the sensations of your
body? What treasures live inside of your imagination? Make a point of
finding these positive moments whether they are in your home, the great
outdoors, or the creativity of your mind. By allowing yourself to savor these
positive moments and pleasurable sensory experiences, you help build your
capacity for joy, happiness, and excitement. Just like children love treasure
maps and instinctively know the importance of looking for gold or digging
up buried treasure, you also have this built-in capacity to look for the good,
to persist until you find it, and to allow yourself to celebrate joyfully once it
has been found. It is a great gift to be alive, but we sometimes forget. Like
pirates that come and steal your joy, the critical voices of yourself or others
leave you emptied out and depleted. While it may be buried deep inside, the
capacity for pleasure and joy exists in us all. This deep sense of gratitude
for life itself is simply awaiting rediscovery. Even if there are pirates, be the
child and find the treasures that life holds for you.
 

49.
Enhancing Positive Emotions
Take a few minutes to reflect upon one positive change that you have
discovered as a result of working through difficult life events. What
words or new beliefs about yourself best describe this positive
change? What emotions are you aware of as you focus on this positive
change? Can you let any positive feelings grow and expand? Can you
allow the positive feeling to radiate through your face? Can you allow
your entire body to reflect how you are feeling?
Notice if any resistance arises when focusing on positive emotions.
If this is the case, you are not doing anything wrong. Take your time to
explore and write down any beliefs or constrictions in your body that
block positive emotions. Rather than trying to make the resistance go
away, see what happens if you breathe into and offer acceptance
toward any resistance or constriction. Sometimes, lingering tension
might help you get in touch with an underlying loss or wound. If this
is the case, you can return to the practices from Chapter 3 that support
you to reprocess traumatic events.

________________________________________________________
____

I can integrate positive changes into my sense of self. I can choose to focus on
positive moments.
 

50.
Growing Through Gratitude
In this practice, explore actively creating positive experiences within
your life. Perhaps you make a ritual around a cup of tea each morning
or bring home a bouquet of flowers just because they bring you joy.
Take the time to notice how you feel in your body as you take in these
positive moments. Take a deep breath and allow the positive feelings
to grow. Experiment with keeping a gratitude journal, or keep a list of
three things each day that you are grateful for. Notice how you feel
after engaging in these practices over time. Take your time to write
about your experiences on the lines below.

________________________________________________________
____

I am grateful. I am nourished by pleasurable experiences in my life.

Art and Soul

Art has the power to move you to a space beyond words. For many trauma
survivors, it provides a refuge from life’s challenges. It helps them to find
freedom from a feeling of being trapped in despair or discontent. You can
explore your own sense of creativity through music, creative writing,
poetry, drama, dance, painting, or photography. No matter your medium, the
arts have the ability to connect you to your senses, help you feel fully alive,
and help you express your authentic self. Creative expression can transport
you to the realm of your soul—into the heartfelt experience of a meaningful
life.
Traumatic events in any form can leave you feeling as though you’ve
been sent into the wilderness without a map. When you bring forth your
own creative offering, it can become a guide for others who are suffering. It
provides a documented journey from despair into hope, much like leaving a
trail of bread crumbs that allows others to find their way home. In this
manner, creativity can serve as a bridge between you and the world.
Sometimes this connection occurs through rituals, in which drums, dancing,
and singing help to hold the container for loss and grief. Sometimes this
connection occurs through theater, in which we are transported into stories
of sorrow and triumph. Within the sacred space of the creative, we find
moments that move us to tears, laughter, and joy. We discover the ecstasy of
wholehearted living.
Art can offer hope for healing, a path to peace, and evoke a longing for
love. Become the musician, the dancer, or the poet. Follow your muse.
Rather than approaching the creative process with any preconceived
meanings, allow meaning to emerge as you witness the very process of each
brush stroke, musical note, movement, or carefully chosen word. Linger in
the unknown and play in the space between the unconscious and the
conscious. Live in the unplanned moment. Explore without a preplanned
agenda. Be willing to take risks and not know the answers so that you can
find the spirit of play. You might end up making a mess, but messes are
important too. Let yourself be surprised by what emerges and find your own
creative spark. Listen closely and allow yourself to feel your own unique
connection between art and soul.
 

51.
Creative Self-Expression
This practice invites you to bring art and creativity into your life. You
might explore expressing yourself by painting, writing a poem,
making music, or dancing in your living room. Or you can receive the
gift of the arts by visiting a museum, reading a poem, attending a
concert, going to the theater, or simply listening to your favorite music
at home. Notice the feelings that are evoked within you during this
process. Tune into your senses and explore how you are moved by the
experience. Take some time to explore your response to this creative
exploration on the lines below. Without censoring or editing your
words, let yourself follow your associations and write freely from your
heart.

________________________________________________________
____

My creativity is a connection to my soul.

Claim Your Self-Worth

As you arrive at this point in your transformational journey, you may be

sensing that there is a way through to the other side of your pain. Your
sense of self may have changed along the way. Now, you may notice the
need to change your external circumstances to better reflect this updated
version of yourself. You might still have uncomfortable situations that you
have accepted in your life because they were convenient or because you
didn’t want to disappoint another person. Maybe you settled for less at a
time when your self-esteem was low or because, deep inside, you felt as
though you did not deserve to be happy. After years of accepting subpar
situations, you may have begun to believe that nothing else exists and, as a
result, you simply stopped looking for something better. You may have
developed attachments to people, jobs, or objects that are not a match for
the greatness of who you truly are. Perhaps you have maintained these
connections because you believed that it was safer to stay small. Now, after
the transformational work of healing trauma, you may feel ready to make a
change.
Unfortunately, some of these changes may not be wanted by your
family or community. They may feel jealous or threatened when they see
your willingness to set boundaries, take up space, or ask for what you want.
Most of the time, the reactions that you receive from other people are
reflections of them and are not about you at all. Look at your life and ask
yourself if there is anything that you are holding on to that doesn’t match
your worth. In some cases, you might need to find the courage to let go of
situations or relationships that do not serve you. In other situations, you
may not want to end a relationship, but you will need to learn how to
remain grounded in your own self-identity even if it leads someone else to
feel uncomfortable.
The process of reclaiming your self-worth can be difficult if the
negative reactions you receive are from people you care about. If this
occurs, remember that you may not be able to change that person’s opinion
of you, but you can choose how to respond while staying true to what you
believe about yourself. The bottom line is that another person’s opinion
of you does not define who you are. Rather, standing inside of your own
worthiness requires that you are able to see past beliefs about not being
enough or lingering feelings of inadequacy.
Nonetheless, the experience of rejection can still sting. It is important to
attend to the pain that arises when you are not welcomed or celebrated in
your strengths. Engaging in self-compassion can help you to stay connected
to your self-worth even in the midst of difficult moments. Some rejection is
inevitable in life, especially when you challenge yourself to expand and
grow into your potential. With practice, you can build your tolerance for the
discomfort that comes with rejection. Over time, you build your resilience
to handle these difficult moments with equanimity. There may be some
people who want you to stay small; however, you can also find people who
will celebrate your achievements and support your greatness.
Although it is important to refine your external life circumstances to
reflect your strengths, it is also important to recognize that your self-worth
is not dependent upon your external situations, relationships, or actions.
Your worth is not based upon material items, such as your income or your
house. Your worth is not based upon whether you are popular. You will
make mistakes and be imperfect—and you are still worthy and deserving of
love, kindness, and respect. In truth, self-worth is your birthright. It is the
birthright of every human being. You may have had to work hard to learn
this essential truth; however, your worth was always there, just waiting for
you to claim it.
 

52.
Claim Your Worth
Take time to compassionately explore any situations that reflect a lack
of self-worth or diminished sense of self. Are there situations where
you have been rejected because of your willingness to claim space or
speak your truth? If so, can you hold self-compassion for these
moments? Are there any changes that you need to make in your life so
that you can feel your relationships, home, or work environment are
more reflective of your worth? Now, take a moment to explore how it
feels to say, “I deserve to have needs. I am willing to ask for what I
want. I am willing to wait for what I really want.” See if you can allow
your body to reflect these statements of self-worth. How can your
breath support you to feel your confidence? Can you feel that you
deserve to live a fulfilling and meaningful life? Take some time to
write down your thoughts.

________________________________________________________
____

I am worthy. My worth is up to me.

Own Your Story

The later stages of a hero’s journey involve reengaging with the world. You
emerge from the inner work of trauma recovery with a deepened
understanding of yourself. Joseph Campbell asserts that the challenge of
this stage is to learn to live in two worlds—that is, to maintain a connection
to your inner, spiritual self while simultaneously living in the outer world.
This dual connection helps you to retain the insights that you gained as part
of your quest for wholeness. However, you might question how to reenter a
world that has betrayed you and that could betray you again. This process
involves increasing your ability to hold the complexity of the human
experience. You realize that this world contains experiences of harm and
loss; however, this is also a world of love and care. There is a great maturity
in being able to hold the truth that hurtfulness and happiness can coexist
around and within you.
In his book Mindsight, Daniel Siegel (2010) offers the term coherence
to describe this ability to make meaningful connections out of the
complexity of diverse life experiences. Coherence helps you to hold
dichotomies, polarities, and contradictions. You have the wisdom to know
that all relationships will have their challenges, that moments of pain are an
inevitable part of life, and that opening your heart involves the risk of pain.
You recognize that life can have excruciatingly painful moments and still be
magnificently beautiful. You learn to admit your flaws and appreciate your
strengths. You develop the ability to accept that you can simultaneously
love someone and be hurt; you can both respect and be angry at the same
person. You learn to tolerate healthy conflicts within your relationships with
others. Rather than needing to make yourself or another person wrong, you
become increasingly capable of handling conflicts with a sense of control
and composure. As a result, you walk through the world with an effortless
grace that emanates from within.
One way to build coherence is to organize your life story in a way that
helps you to make sense of your past. Journaling and psychotherapy can
each provide opportunities for you to develop this narrative. Over time, you
take the many threads of your life experiences and weave them into a single
fabric. You weave in your strengths and your struggles. You begin to notice
patterns and themes. Most importantly, you recognize yourself as the
weaver. You learn that you can continue to integrate new threads at any
time, for you are an active participant in the ongoing creation of your life
story. Over time, the fabric that you create out of your life experiences
begins to feel increasingly integrated and whole. Now your life story can
help you identify new possibilities for your future. You might even discover
that your fabric is inextricably woven into the fabric of all life. This is
coherence.
One of the most powerful components of a transformational journey is
that it allows you to take personal responsibility for the narrative that
defines you and your life. By consciously attending to the voice or narrator
of your personal story, you can discover whether your story is one of hope
and optimism, or if it is a pessimistic story full of disappointment and
resignation. You get to write the script. You are allowed to revise your story
until you arrive at a satisfactory conclusion, one that supports your growth
after trauma. This does not mean that you can change what happened in
your past. However, you can work through the pain of your past until you
find resolution in the here-and-now.
The stories that you tell yourself about your life not only lead to
changes in your mental outlook, they can impact your physical health as
well (Gregory & Rutledge, 2016). In particular, the act of writing about
difficult events has been found to improve mood, enhance immune system
functioning, and reduce blood pressure (Pennebaker & Smyth, 2016).
Moreover, it is not simply the telling of your story, but the act of reshaping
your narrative from a self-defeating storyline to one of perseverance,
determination, and empowerment that creates lasting and meaningful
change. This willingness to stay engaged with difficulty until you achieve
resolution is what reshapes your physiology. For example, if you carry the
belief, “People are untrustworthy,” then you might walk through the world
in a withholding and overly cautious manner. Instead, you can explore a
more realistic conclusion such as, “While some people in my life cannot be
trusted, I can choose whom to trust in my life now.” This new belief can
allow you to focus your attention on finding people who demonstrate
trustworthiness. As a result, you feel more effective in your life and hopeful
about your future.
As you take responsibility for your narrative, you will be better able to
assert yourself as the hero or heroine of your own life. You are no longer a
victim; rather, you are the brave and courageous protagonist who, with the
right support, wise guidance, and hard work, finds a way through trauma
and into triumph. As the master of two worlds, you know the territory of
pain and the realm of possibility. You can integrate the wisdom gained from
the hard work of trauma recovery and find ways to return to the ordinary
world without losing hope or feeling disconnected from your true self.
Although you may sometimes over-identify with your limitations or your
pain, it is important to discover a connection to a larger life purpose.
Eventually, it is this wisdom that will allow you to be a guiding light and an
inspiration for others.
 

53.
Write Your Hero(ine)’s Journey
Write your own hero’s or heroine’s journey. You are in charge of this
narrative. Take your time and allow the following prompts to spark
your story:
• My call to enter my hero’s journey was…
• I refused the call by…
• What I had to give up was…
• The biggest challenges that I faced have been…
• I survived these challenges by…
• The people who helped me the most were…
• I learned that my strengths are…
• What I believe about myself now is…
• The wisdom I gained as a result of my challenges is…
• When I interact with the ordinary world around me, I feel…
• The gifts that I have to give to this world are…

This story is a snapshot in time. Most importantly, your story is one

that you will write and rewrite for the rest of your life. If you notice
that it is difficult to infuse hope into your story, this is a sign to seek
out more support to see if there are any ongoing faulty beliefs or
sabotaging parts of yourself that are blocking you from moving
forward. I encourage you to approach this process with self-
compassion. If you feel as though you are overwhelmed by the
symptoms of your traumatic past, then it may not be time to engage in
this practice. Return when the time is right for you.
 ________________________________________________________
____

I am the narrator of my life’s story.

Chapter Review

Traumatic life experiences can help you appreciate the precious gift it is to
be alive. Your pain can become a source of compassion and wisdom. This
chapter has offered opportunities for you to foster post-traumatic growth.
You have explored your relationship to meaning and purpose. You have also
identified your strengths and your values. You have set intentions and
explored creative self-expression. Additionally, you have taken time to rest
and allow for the integration of positive changes. By taking charge of your
life story, you have taken an active role in fostering your resilience and
growing into your potential. Now you have access to the path of self-
realization. As a result, you discover an emerging desire to share your
wisdom with others or a longing to connect in a meaningful way to your
community. This reentry into the world will be the focus of Chapter 5.
 

Review and Reflect

Take a few minutes to review your responses to the self-reflection
practices in this chapter. How has it felt to turn your focus toward your
strengths? What have you learned about yourself? What are you aware
of now? In what ways have you felt able to integrate positive changes
into your life?

________________________________________________________
____
 CHAPTER 5
…

Self-Actualization:
Tending
to the Garden of Life

The deep, inner work of healing from trauma eventually allows you to
emerge back into the world with your gifts—your unique contributions to
the world. In the last chapter, you identified your strengths and values that
provide a sense of meaning to your life. At this point in the transformational
journey, you might feel a yearning or longing to fulfill your potential by
expressing more of your heart, sharing the knowledge you have gained, and
bringing your gifts out to the world. Therefore, this chapter will help guide
you in exploring the intersection between your personal transformation and
your relationships with your family, the community, and the planet. This
opportunity to tend to the garden of life allows your growth and wisdom to
serve the well-being of others.
This stage of healing involves stepping out of your comfort zone, which
is a process that requires increased tolerance for the risks of rejection or
failure. Remember, throughout this book, you have been building a
tolerance for difficult emotions, such as shame, anger, discouragement,
sadness, and grief. Nonetheless, you might feel frightened about being
visible or taking up space. There might be voices from your past saying,
“Stay small. It’s too risky. Don’t be visible. It’s not safe.” You might also
sense a new voice that says, “I’ve got this. It’s time. I’m ready. I am
allowed to shine!” It is a profound transformational practice to find the edge
of your comfort zone and find a tolerable amount of risk that helps you to
feel awake and alive. Here you can find the delicate balance of feeling safe,
but not too safe. You can pace yourself through this expansive phase of
your journey by returning to the resources of grounding into your body,
mindfully connecting to your breath, and feeling your empowerment
resource. Slowly, you allow yourself to emerge into the world. With
gentleness, you continue to step, reach, and open up to this unpredictable,
uncertain, beautiful world.

Awaken to Your Potential

Abraham Maslow (1968) introduced the concept of self-actualization as

the process of fulfilling your potential in the world. It is about becoming
who you really are and were always meant to be. This involves the
integration of the wounds that once may have been a source of shame or
confusion, which allows you to develop a coherent sense of self. Here you
reclaim a sense of dignity that allows you to walk in the world with the
knowledge that you are so much more than your trauma or pain. Self-
actualized individuals tend to be open-minded, creative, trustworthy,
responsible, and value-driven. They have a positive view of themselves and
are aware that they are always in the process of becoming a person. In
addition, self-actualized individuals are typically more able to cope
successfully with an uncertain future.
You can foster your ability to self-actualize by confronting your fears,
working through feelings of shame, resolving anger, working with your
shadow, grounding into your body, connecting to your breath, learning to
empower yourself, reclaiming your worth, identifying your strengths, and
clarifying goals for your future. With that in mind, you can see that the
practices offered throughout this book are aimed not only toward trauma
recovery, but also support you to fulfill your potential.
Although self-actualization is the birthright of every human being, it can
be challenging to turn your attention toward self-actualization until you feel
safe and secure with your underlying needs. This includes having financial
security, stabilized health, restful sleep, caring relationships with others, and
an established sense of your own self-worth. Therefore, it is important to
honor your own pace, even during these later stages of your
transformational journey. Moreover, self-actualization is not necessarily a
permanent state of being. Rather, there will be times when you might feel
empowered to be your best self and times when you may need to rest.
Remember, all growth occurs in seasons.
Sometimes an experience of self-actualization arises through
transcendent or peak experiences. This experience might occur during a
spiritual practice, such as meditation, or in the context of a personal
challenge, such as running a marathon or climbing a mountain. These
experiences involve a heightened sense of awe and wonder, a loss of
placement in time and space, and an overwhelming feeling of being one
with the universe. Within a peak experience, you might discover a feeling
of awakening or an enhanced desire to actualize your potential with
meaningful actions in the world. However, the quest for a peak experience
might also serve as a way to bypass your pain. Therefore, you may want to
ask yourself whether you are seeking transcendence as a means to avoid
conflicts or challenges in your life. If this is true, you can balance out a
desire for peak experiences by staying grounded in your body, connecting
to the basic tasks of living, and engaging in acts of kindness towards others.
Most importantly, self-actualization is not about being better than someone
else nor is it about being perfect. It is about being yourself—honestly,
wholeheartedly, and authentically you.
Within this next practice, you will be guided to create a personal
meditation practice. Regularly engaging in mindful meditation has many
benefits to your mental, physical, and spiritual well-being, including a
greater sense of self-control (Kabat-Zinn, 2018). Furthermore, meditation
strengthens the upper portions of the brain that help to reduce emotional
flooding. Remember, meditation, like any mindfulness practice, is grounded
in nonjudgment. In time, you learn to sustain mindful attention so that you
can observe your thoughts, sensations, and feelings without over-identifying
with them. The goal of meditation is not to make you superhuman. Rather,
this practice offers an opportunity to accept yourself just as you are and
ultimately increase your ability to be mindful as you walk through the
world. Most importantly, in the quiet spaces of inner reflection, you have an
opportunity to connect to your deepest self and experience the clarity of
living from your center.
 

54.
Create a Personal
Meditation Practice
Take a few moments to come into a comfortable seated position. If
possible, create support so that you can sit with a tall posture that
allows you to be aware of your breath and your sensations. It is often
helpful when meditating to have a focus for your mind. You can focus
on your breath, your sensations, an object, a specific part of your body,
or a short mantra that anchors your awareness. You might choose the
intention that you developed in Practice 47 “Setting Your Intention”.
Now, as you begin your meditation, allow your mind to rest gently
upon your chosen area of focus. When you notice that your attention
wanders, simply bring your attention back to your area of focus. The
goal is not to stop your mind from wandering; rather, the purpose of
meditation is to notice when you have become distracted and become
increasingly skilled at returning your attention to your focus and the
present moment.
Often it is helpful to start slowly with your meditation practice. It
is recommended that you begin with just 2 minutes and then slowly
build to 5 and then 15 minutes. You can set a timer to alert you when
your meditation practice is complete. Ideally, you will end your
meditation wishing that you had more time to practice. That way, you
will be more likely to return to this practice again.
As you complete your meditation, notice how you feel in body and
mind. Perhaps you feel more grounded or centered. If not, you are not
doing anything wrong. In truth, meditation can bring up parts of
 yourself that are simply needing attention for greater integration. Take
a few minutes to write about your experience and notice how your
practice changes over time.

________________________________________________________
____

I connect to the wisdom of my deepest self.

The Return

Throughout your transformational journey, you have developed a repertoire

of coping skills and resources that can serve to inoculate you from future
trauma. However, resilience is not just about personal healing. It is also
about drawing on your own resilience to serve others as you share insights
and wisdom gained on your journey. Resilience helps communities pull
together to emerge stronger from tragedy. Resilience helps neighborhoods
and cities to be better prepared to withstand catastrophic events, such as
acts of violence or natural disasters like floods and fires.
Likewise, in the final stages of the hero’s journey, the hero comes full
circle. Having slain the dragon, retrieved the treasure, and rescued the
princess, the hero now becomes a leader, healer, or guide for others. At this
point in the journey, you too can come full circle by allowing your pain to
serve as a doorway that can help you feel greater compassion for the pain
experienced by others. In turn, you might notice a desire to change how you
act as a member of your community and as an inhabitant on the earth. Once
you feel empowered, you might sense that you have a responsibility to help
empower others. You might discover a prayer for the well-being of others
that spontaneously arises from within.
Giving your gifts to others and receiving from others are two deeply
interwoven actions. Since so many of us have been rejected at some point in
our lives, there is a universal human need to feel understood, seen, and
accepted for who we are. Therefore, a profound way that we can give to
another person is through the act of paying attention in a loving and
caring manner. Receiving and unconditionally accepting another person is,
in itself, a caring act of giving. Likewise, allowing yourself to receive care
from another person allows that person to give the gift of caring to you.
This exchange of giving and receiving can allow you to realize how deeply
connected we are to each other and how much we truly need each other.
Within this next practice, you can explore the act of giving and
receiving through a loving-kindness meditation. The practice of loving
kindness involves intentionally evoking friendliness toward yourself and
others (Kornfield, 2008). It is an act of wishing happiness, ease, and
freedom from suffering to yourself, to the people you love, to your
community, and to the earth as a whole. It invites you to open your heart
and plant seeds of love. Eventually, you might even choose to send loving
kindness to people with whom you have experienced conflict or who have
been a source of pain. This return of love is the treasure that you have
worked so hard to find. Take love in for yourself, and allow love to flow
from your heart to the world.
 

55.
Loving-Kindness Meditation
A loving-kindness meditation involves a set of phrases that you repeat
silently or quietly to yourself. You begin this meditation by first
practicing loving kindness with yourself because it is easier to love
other people when you love yourself. Repeat the following phrases to
yourself three times, allowing yourself to focus on the intention within
each word: “May I be happy. May I be well. May I be safe from harm.
May I be peaceful and at ease.” When you are finished, take several
deep breaths into your heart.
Now, bring to mind a friend or someone in your life who has been
a loving and supportive presence. Start with a person who most easily
helps you connect to a calm, open, and generous space within your
heart. Hold this person in your heart as you direct loving kindness
toward them by repeating, “May you be happy. May you be well. May
you be safe from harm. May you be peaceful and at ease.” As you
continue this meditation, you can choose to bring other friends or
acquaintances to mind. Take your time with the phrases as you hold
each person in your heart. You might also choose to extend loving
kindness to animals, places, or the earth as a whole. Eventually, you
might explore how it feels to extend loving kindness to a person with
whom you have had difficulty. In each instance, you return to the
simplicity of the same phrases, “May you be happy. May you be well.
May you be safe from harm. May you be peaceful and at ease.”
Sometimes, this practice can evoke feelings of sadness or anger.
These feelings do not mean that you are doing this practice incorrectly.
Rather, they are signals that you are stirring the feelings held within
 your heart and that you are beginning to let these feelings go. Trust
your process and allow these feelings to move through you as you
return to the words that anchor your intention of loving kindness.
Reflect on this experience and write down your thoughts.

________________________________________________________
____

I am giving and receiving love.

Finding Forgiveness

Extending loving kindness toward others, even people who have hurt you,
is an invitation to move toward forgiveness. The idea of forgiving someone
who has perpetrated upon you or upon someone you love may feel
impossible. However, forgiveness is not the same as forgetting, and it does
not mean that what happened was acceptable. Rather, forgiveness is about
reducing the stress associated with holding on to grudges and the pain of
unresolved anger or hurt. Here, you can differentiate between healthy anger
(which is necessary to mobilize your resources for self-protection) versus
toxic anger (which is deep and long-lasting). Toxic anger can lead you to
lose sleep, ruminate about past events, and recycle through retaliation
fantasies. In this case, not forgiving can lead you to carry a heavy burden
that can prevent you from fully living your life.
Forgiveness is more about you than it is about the other person. In
other words, forgiveness is an inside job. Your choice to forgive does not let
the other person off the hook and does not require that you reconcile or
befriend someone who has harmed you. However, forgiveness can help you
to have compassion for them despite their hurtful actions. Part of this
process involves having empathy for their circumstances. You can
remember that when someone hurts another person, it is usually because of
unresolved injuries or traumatic events from their past. In order to cultivate
compassion, you can reflect upon another person’s situation or imagine
walking in their shoes.
In finding forgiveness, you let go of the need to retaliate or punish the
person who hurt you. Forgiveness involves the painful recognition that you
cannot change the past, but you can reclaim your future. Although some
people think that forgiveness is weak, but it is actually a mindset that
requires profound strength. It is a powerful choice that no one can take
away from you. It is a statement that says, “You may have hurt me in the
past, but I will not let you take away my future.” Forgiveness even has
physical and mental health benefits that can improve your life, as it is
associated with reduced stress, anxiety, depression, and chronic pain, as
well as improvements in sleep, immune system functioning, and
cardiovascular health (Enright & Fitzgibbons, 2000; Toussaint,
Worthington, & Williams, 2015).
Forgiveness may not come easily or naturally. However, forgiveness can
be learned and strengthened through repeated practice. Initially, the
intention to forgive might bring up strong feelings related to hurtful events
of the past and cause you to reflect upon how these events have impacted
your life. You might feel the need to put these feelings into words by
writing a letter, which can help you find much needed clarity, whether or
not you decide to send the letter. In the following practice, explore the
process of writing a forgiveness letter and see if it helps you let go of the
burdens of old resentments.
 

56.
The Forgiveness Letter
This practice invites you to write a letter to a person who has caused
you harm. This letter has three parts. In part one of your letter, take
your time to focus on any lingering feelings of betrayal, hurt,
resentment, and anger. It can be powerful to put your feelings into a
physical form with pen to paper. Give yourself permission not to send
this letter so that you can be honest about your experience without
censoring your thoughts or feelings. Imagine that each word you write
clears away a little more of your pain.
In part two of this letter, begin to focus on the circumstances of the
other person. Allow yourself to imagine how they may have been
thinking or feeling. What do you imagine caused the other person to
behave the way that they did? What do you think motivated their
actions? Here you focus on the humanity of the other person and
acknowledge their pain or suffering.
In the third part of your letter, focus on your intention of
forgiveness. Notice what happens as you release any need to punish or
retaliate against this person. Notice how you feel when you write the
words, “I forgive you.” If these words are not available explore
alternative words, such as “I release you” or “I am letting go.” As you
complete your letter, take some time to notice how you feel
emotionally and in your body.
Take your time with this practice, knowing that you can continue
to revise your letter until you feel complete. This letter is yours. You
can choose to keep it, tear it up, or burn it. You might also choose to
rewrite it into a version that you send to the person to whom you
 wrote. You might also have additional letters that you need to write to
other people who have harmed you.

________________________________________________________
____

I am forgiving. Forgiveness is a choice.

Coming Home and Belonging

It is essential to our very survival that each and every one of us feels rooted
in connection to other people, whether this involves being connected oneon-
one, being a member of a group, or having a sense of our tribe. We need to
know that we are not alone in this imperfect journey of being human. When
we are heard and welcomed by another, we have the opportunity to reclaim
a sense of belonging to the world. This foundation of being seen and
understood helps us become more of who we are meant to be and brings us
one step closer toward reclaiming our wholeness.
Yet, it is an almost universal experience to have wounds around feeling
like we do not belong. Many of us have experienced times when we were
excluded or felt exiled. This might have occurred within your family or
with a group of friends. You may have literally become an exile if you had
to leave your country or felt that your country betrayed you. The
interpersonal wounds of childhood neglect or abuse often lead to feelings of
not belonging as well. Perhaps you received messages that you weren’t
wanted or shouldn’t have been born. Maybe you felt like a burden to your
parents. Or you might have felt like the black sheep in your family. In any
of these situations, you can become stuck as an outsider. These early
developmental experiences can influence your sense of self in adulthood
and can be formative in your identity.
It is important to remember that we all have histories of imperfect
relationships to varying degrees. As a result, we all need each other to
heal these painful attachment wounds of our past. This need for
connection is especially true when we are grieving. Grief is profoundly raw
and, at its core, a form of social communication. Consciously making space
for grief is essential if we are to heal our collective wounds. When
attending to each other’s grief, it is important to remember that grief needs
presence. Nothing more. It is not necessary to say the “right” thing because
there is no “right” thing to say. It is not necessary to have the answer
because sometimes there are no answers. It is important to simply let each
other know that we are there and that we are not afraid. Sometimes this
involves being there and sitting in silence, breathing, or offering a nod of
reassurance. Sometimes this involves attending to the needs of the moment,
like doing the laundry or the dishes, as attending to the details of daily
living keeps a sense of normalcy. Overall, being with someone in grief is
about holding space for that person so that they can go on the inward
journey needed during that vulnerable time. Some days you might be
receiving support, and other days you might be giving support to another.
However, so long as we all play our part in this exchange, we can facilitate
an interconnected web of community.
When you support others and relate to them in an authentic manner, this
can bring a gift of deep connection. Often, this results in feelings of
gratitude as you feel fully accepted for who you are. We all have needs to
be seen, held, understood, respected, and loved (whether we want to admit
them or not). It is deeply important to be seen for your unique presence. It is
a core need to be felt and understood for who you are and the gifts that you
bring to the world, just by being you. Who has helped you see past your
masks and discover your essence? Gaining this clarity into yourself also
helps build your capacity to see others for who they really are. You begin to
look into the faces of our fellow human travelers and see their essence, even
if it is tucked away in the recesses of a wounded heart. Ultimately, being
welcomed by your community allows you to reclaim a sense of belonging
as you come back home to your true self.
 

57.
Giving and Receiving Support
Have you had moments where you have felt like an exile or an
outsider? Are there times or places in your life when you felt like you
really belonged? If so, what helped you to know that you were an
important member of your community? In this practice, you will work
to build connections with your community by asking for and/or
offering support in small ways. For example, you can explore asking
for help by reaching out to a neighbor when you need an ingredient for
a meal, or asking an employee for assistance in finding an item in a
store. You can also explore offering support to others by offering to
carry someone’s groceries to their car or simply smiling and saying
hello to people that you see throughout your day. Most importantly,
you get to choose the people, and you get to decide how much to give
or receive.
As you gain comfort with small connections, you might explore
engaging in conversations that allow someone to know more about
your inner world. You can also experiment with the gift of asking
people questions about how they are feeling and offering the gift of
truly listening to their answer. Notice what happens as you engage in
these exchanges with others over time. How does this change your
sense of belonging in your community? Write your thoughts below.

________________________________________________________
____
 Today is an opportunity to explore making a connection to another person or to
my community in one small way.

From Conflict to Connection

Having a history of trauma can lead to challenges in relationships. Perhaps

you have habitually avoided conflict, withdrawn out of fear, felt intolerant
of rejection, or pushed people away when they got too close. These
defensive strategies can lead to relationships that are consistently
argumentative, disconnected, or painfully superficial. However, through the
process of self-actualization, you can increase your capacity to handle
conflicts with equanimity. Rather than needing to make yourself or another
person wrong, you can learn to work through difficulties in a way that
deepens your connections with others. You can work through attachment
ruptures and create a positive outcome. Ultimately, you’ll come to see that
small amounts of disconnection and conflict can actually lead to a deepened
sense of trust and love.
Healthy conflict requires tolerance for difference, disconnection,
and discord. Letting someone know that they have hurt your feelings can
feel frightening. Taking responsibility for hurting someone you love can
evoke shame. It takes wisdom to refine primal reactions into caring,
thoughtful responses. Negotiating conflict requires the ability to accept
uncertainty, ambiguity, and disappointment. There may be times when you
want to be right. You might want to be right so badly that you forget to step
into the other person’s shoes and see things from their point of view.
However, rigidly holding on to your point of view or the need to be right
can exacerbate the experience of distance, misunderstanding, or confusion.
In contrast, navigating conflict relies upon your capacity to change your
perspective and look at a situation from another person’s point of view. This
requires having cognitive flexibility or the ability to change how you are
thinking about a person or situation. Cognitive flexibility helps prevent you
from being stuck in one way of thinking about a situation. It allows you to
adapt and respond to new information and is a valuable skill when it comes
to conflict resolution.
 Healthy conflict also requires a willingness to show up in an
openhearted and honest manner. You can practice opening yourself up to
conflicting views, competing needs, your own and another person’s fears,
and the underlying pain that is part of the shared human experience. In time,
you can learn to compromise without the need to make yourself or another
person wrong. Developing a healthy capacity to handle conflicts involves
learning to respect others, even when you feel angry. You commit to this by
refraining from putting other people down and apologizing when you have
done something wrong. Healthy conflict also asks that you develop the
capacity to ask for what you need, even though you risk being told no or
feeling rejected.
You can build tolerance for conflict through the practice of mindfulness,
which allows you to observe your thoughts and feelings while recognizing
that you do not need to take immediate action on them. By cultivating an
attitude of mindfulness, you can increase your ability to pause before acting
out on impulses driven by anger. Doing so involves choosing a path of
nonviolence, in which you let go of the need to be right. Instead, you come
to the table interested in listening to the other person with an open heart.
Nonviolent communication, which is an approach to conflict
resolution in relationships, is grounded within the principles of nonviolence,
which assumes that we are all capable of treating others with compassion
and kindness (Rosenberg, 2003). This model of communication involves
one person describing an experience that is creating distress without
blaming or criticizing the other person. In this model, communications
begin with “I” statements (e.g., “I feel hurt when…”) instead of “you”
statements (e.g., “You make me feel hurt me when…”), as the latter can
evoke feelings of defensiveness or blame. Then, the listener replies by
empathically reflecting what they heard (e.g., “I hear you saying…”). This
dialogue continues with the first person describing their feelings,
identifying their needs, and making a request. The listener continues to
offer an empathic and reflective statement in return. You can think of this
entire exchange as a mindfulness practice that occurs between two people.
When using nonviolent communication to explore conflict resolution, it
is wise to first practice doing so in the context of a caring relationship. A
good rule of thumb is to choose to work out a conflict when there is a
mutual commitment to the relationship and a desire for a positive outcome.
Then, the task is to take turns being the person to bring up conflict or
distress. Rather than pushing away from the connection, see what happens
when you return to your breath and stay curious about your experiences. As
you become increasingly skilled at using nonviolent communication, these
same strategies can allow you to skillfully work with a wider range of
relational experiences. For example, you can practice healthy conflict
resolution in the workplace. Or you can practice skillful listening when
engaging with people who have different cultural, religious, or political
perspectives.
It is important to recognize that nonviolence does not equate non-action.
There is an Indian parable that conveys this principle: There was once a
snake who terrorized a village. He would bite the villagers without reason.
One day, a wise sage visited the village and observed the snake’s behavior.
He took it upon himself to teach the snake the principle of nonviolence. The
snake took great interest in the wise man’s words and accepted the teaching.
One year later, the wise man returned to the village to see that the snake
was badly bruised and beaten. “What happened?” exclaimed the wise sage.
The snake said, “You told me not to bite people, but now the villagers throw
rocks at me and poke me with sticks.” The wise man replied, “I did teach
you not to be violent, but I never told you not to hiss!” As you can see,
there are times when you must stand up and protect what is worth
protecting, especially when your own safety or the safety of another person
is at risk.
Take your time with this next practice. If you feel triggered, allow
yourself to explore if your feelings are connected to your own history. The
conflicts experienced in relationships can often touch into earlier
relationship injuries or attachment memories that are in need of healing.
Often these deep-seated emotions are not accessible until we experience a
conflict in a relationship. These moments of discomfort can provide a
profound opportunity for growth. However, if excessive self-criticism or
shame arises, you may want to revisit Practice 37 “Self-Compassion” or
Practice 38 “Embodied Compassion for Shame.”
 

58.
Nonviolent Communication
This practice invites you to employ the skills of nonviolent
communication to resolve a conflict that you are experiencing in your
life. You can begin by practicing with a caring friend and by focusing
on a relatively minor disagreement. Read the instructions together and
take turns being the speaker and listener. Start by focusing on
grounding and connecting to your breath. Explore how awareness of
your somatic experiences helps you to build a capacity to stay present
in situations that bring up discomfort.
Begin by choosing who will be the speaker first. This person will
identify an experience that is creating distress and set an intention to
communicate without criticizing or blaming. The first speaker shares
an observation about their experience by saying, “What I experience
that does not contribute to my well-being is…” The listener pauses
and responds empathetically by repeating what the speaker has shared
using the words, “What you experience that does not contribute to
your well-being is…” The speaker then names their feelings by
saying, “What I feel is…” and the listener responds by saying, “What
you feel is…” The next step involves the speaker describing what they
need by stating, “What I need is…” Once again, the listener responds
by restating the need. Lastly, the speaker shares a request by asking,
“Would you be willing to…?” The listener reflects this request by
replying, “Would you like me to…?” Ideally, both the speaker and
listener feel as though their lives are enriched by fulfilling the request.
As a result, this closes the circle on the caring exchange of giving and
receiving.
 After you have taken some time to practice being both the speaker
and the listener, use the following space to reflect on your experience
of this practice. How did you feel during times when you were
reflected? How did it feel to express your needs? What did you notice
when you were the listener? What challenges, if any, did you
experience when completing this practice?

________________________________________________________
____

I can handle conflicts with clarity and equanimity. I can move through conflicts to
deepen my relationships.

The Emotional Wake

It is not always easy to know how you impact another person. The idea of
the emotional wake was introduced by a Susan Scott (2002) in her book
Fierce Conversations. Imagine for a moment the wake of a boat moving
through still water. Likewise, your emotional wake is comprised of the
ripples or impact that you have on the world. For example, we can cause a
painful ripple effect when we blame, call people names, speak sarcastically,
put people down, talk behind someone’s back, or give someone the silent
treatment. In truth, we all do things that create distress in the people around
us. That’s called being human.
We can increase our awareness of the wake that we leave behind by
asking for feedback from someone who is trustworthy, kind, and honest.
For example, you can ask, “How do you feel after our conversations?” or
“What do you feel when I enter or leave the room?” Then your job is to
listen nondefensively and take in any feedback that someone has to offer.
Try to pay attention and respond kindly. Allow yourself to sift through the
feedback for the kernels of truth that feel relevant to you and your life.
Once you have received feedback, you can then take the time to explore
what changes you would like to make in your behavior or interactions. It is
also important to recognize that not everything you hear will be true for
you. Harsh or critical feedback is not easily digested and is not nourishing
to your soul. Here the practice involves letting go of unhelpful information,
setting a boundary, asking for feedback to be delivered with compassion, or
seeking a different source of feedback.
When you can take responsibility for your emotional wake, you are
saying, “I am interested in knowing the impact that I have on you. I care
about you, I’ll do my best to listen to you, and I am invested in who you are
as a person.” There is a profound gift that comes from unconditionally
opening yourself up to feedback in this manner, especially for the parts of
yourself that you would rather hide. However, the goal of a good
relationship is to allow the other person to know when you are afraid and to
reveal your vulnerabilities. Although this kind of authentic relating can be
extraordinarily vulnerable, it can also deepen trust in the relationship. It
shows that you are invested in the other person and in the relationship.
Being willing to set down your defenses or admit that you are wrong is
an offering of kindness. Nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes. We hurt
each other sometimes. However, it is not our mistakes that define us.
Rather, it is our ability to learn from those moments and make amends that
really shapes who we are. We can take hold of the feeling of guilt and
channel it into positive change. In contrast to shame, which tends to shut us
down with an overbearing sense of doom or “badness,” guilt can be a
valuable and healthy emotion. Guilt allows us to use our somatic discomfort
as a reference point so that we can refine the choices we make to become
wiser and more loving. It allows us to transform our mistakes into learning
opportunities.
Your willingness to take responsibility for your emotional wake can
help make this world a better place and serve as a model for others to do the
same. The process of self-reflection helps to clear away anything that stands
between you and your true self. Over time, you strengthen your
commitment to the undying truth that lives within you. Taking
responsibility for your emotional wake can also allow you to be conscious
of the positive, nourishing, and loving wake that you can extend into the
world. With intentionally positive actions, you can leave behind a ripple
effect of kindness, gentleness, and understanding. Moreover, these ripples
can inspire others to respond in kind. There are endless opportunities to pay
attention to each other and to respond with compassion. Remember, one
courageous conversation can save a life.
 

59.
Asking for Feedback
This practice involves having a courageous conversation with another
person of your choosing. It will be important to pick a person who you
feel is trustworthy, kind, and honest. You will ask for feedback from
this person about their experience of you in the relationship. You can
ask them, “How do you feel after our conversations?” or “What do
you notice when I enter or leave the room?” Be sure to also request
feedback about any positive impact you have by asking, “What are the
strengths, gifts, or positive ripples that I leave behind?”
You are in charge of this conversation, and you can let them know
when you have received enough feedback. Allow yourself to digest the
information. If the feedback that you receive is not delivered in a
respectful, caring, or kind manner, then give yourself permission to
end the practice and let go of the information. It is common to feel
vulnerable when engaging in this practice. Remember that you are
standing inside of a transformational practice. Bring compassion to the
tender places that get touched in the process. End this practice by
thanking the person who gave you feedback and thanking yourself for
the courage it took to engage in this challenging conversation. Take
some to write about your conversation on the following lines.

________________________________________________________
____
 I take responsibility for my impact on others.

Giving Your Gifts

This is the final step of your transformational journey as you move through
trauma recovery into post-traumatic growth. Now, you have an opportunity
to shift your focus away from yourself by exploring how you might give
back to others and the world. Although many people believe that self-
actualization sits at the top of Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs,
Maslow (1969) actually viewed self-actualization as a rite of passage that
allows us to go beyond the single self into self-transcendence. Whereas
self-actualization is about fulfilling our potential, self-transcendence is
about furthering a cause beyond the self. Self-transcendence is associated
with developing a greater understanding of and desire to protect the welfare
of all people (Koltko-Rivera, 2006). For example, we might contribute to
the world through actions that support social justice, political, or
environmental causes. We move away from a focus on ourselves as
individuals by identifying ourselves as part of larger, collective whole.
We become more human when we focus on loving another person or
serving a cause that is greater than ourselves (Frankl, 1959/2006). We
discover a deeper, felt sense of self beyond the roles that we play in life or
the transient nature of our surroundings. Identifying with this true self is
what keeps us rooted in meaning, even amidst the challenges of life. It is
here, in the collective unconscious that represents the soul of humanity, that
we can feel ourselves as whole and complete (Jung, 1981). Here we
discover that we are part of patterns and cycles connected to all life. It is
from this place that we sense the invisible threads of connection between all
people, animals, and the planet.
Although sharing your unique gifts can be of benefit to others and the
world, this process can become muddied when it is driven by our own fears,
the desire to rescue others, or a need to be the expert. When this occurs, we
are acting in service of the ego instead of actually serving another. These
are the shadow sides of self-transcendence. Sometimes an act of giving can
be experienced as aggressive, especially if the other person does not want to
receive what we have to give. Therefore it can be wise to cultivate a
sensitivity about the impact of our actions upon the people around us. We
can ask the person we are helping if they want the support and if it is the
right kind of support. If our goals are not aligned with theirs, then it is time
to refine our actions. It is also important to notice if we abandon ourselves
for the sake of taking care of other people. In this case, you can help keep
yourself accountable by staying closely attuned to your own body, mind,
energy, and emotions. Doing so will allow you to offer care without fixing
or rescuing. You can now find a way to wisely balance your own needs and
interests with the needs and interests of others.
When you are able to find this sense of balanced giving, you can
consider yourself to be in the flow of life. Flow can be thought of as an
effortless engagement with your environment in which awareness and
actions are fully integrated (Csikszentmihalyi, 1990). Flow allows you to
lose a sense of self and time. It is a feeling of rightness and being fully
awake. You can imagine yourself like water that is flowing downhill,
following the path of least resistance. In this state, you are not held back by
self-consciousness or self-criticism. Rather, your life is enriched with a
sense of meaning. This experience of flow is available to all of us,
regardless of the challenges we have faced in our past or the circumstances
of our present. Flow can be found in any activity in which we have the
potential to achieve control and mastery over the mind, including doing
dishes, folding the laundry, playing sports, or creating art, poetry, and
music. However, flow is optimized when we overcome obstacles, speak out
for what we believe, or find a previously undiscovered courage to rise up
against all odds.
In this final practice, you have an opportunity to create a personal
manifesto, which is a statement of the values, beliefs, and intentions that
provide a guiding compass for your life. Rather than focusing on specific
goals, a manifesto is a reflection of your deepest self and the actions that
move you toward self-transcendence and a state of flow. Your manifesto
will serve as a written reminder that can be reviewed anytime that you feel
ungrounded or disconnected from your center. Your manifesto can help
keep you accountable when interacting with others, especially during times
of conflict. Think of this statement as aligning your compass to your true
north.
 

60.
Write Your Personal Manifesto
Your personal manifesto is an expression of beliefs and intentions that
provide the motivation for your life. In preparation, you might reflect
upon the activities that support your physical, mental, emotional,
social, and spiritual health as identified in Practice 30 “Create Your
Resilience Recipe”. Take some time to reflect upon the ways that you
have grown as a result of the challenging and traumatic events of your
life by reviewing your response to Practice 44 “Making Meaning Out
of Suffering”. Given that a manifesto also includes your strengths and
values, it can be helpful to look back upon your answers to Practice 45
“Identifying Your Values” and Practice 46 “Exploring Your Strengths”
as well. Additionally, it can be beneficial to reflect upon the intentions
that you developed in Practice 47 “Setting Your Intention”.
Write your manifesto using affirming language about what you
want to create. For example, instead of saying, “I won’t be hurtful to
myself,” you could write, “I will treat myself with kindness and
respect.” The following questions and prompts are offered to help
guide you to create your own personal manifesto:
• What is most important to you about life?
• What have you learned about yourself as a result of traumatic
events?
• What are your strengths or gifts?
• How do you want to live your life?
• What helps you best face challenges or overcome obstacles?
• What do you stand for?
 • What are you seeking to create more of in your life?
• How do you want to treat others and how do you want to be
treated by others?
• What is your vision for your future?
• What keeps you up at night that you want to achieve, resolve, or
bring to fruition?
Take some time to write your personal manifesto on the following
lines. You can write this as a paragraph, a series of bullet points, or in
any creative form that works for you. If you need an example, you can
look at my personal manifesto, which is included within the preface of
this book.

________________________________________________________
____

I am here to offer my unique gifts to the world. I am in flow and aligned with my
purpose.

Final Reflections

As you come to the completion of this book, take some time to reflect upon
your process. You have been guided to build your resources, work through
traumatic events, and cultivate a mindset that fosters resilience and growth.
Remember, any positive life development, be it happiness, gratitude, or
wisdom, is not simply something that happens to you. Rather, these are all
precious resources that you cultivate over time. You have fostered a
courageous self that is capable of being present to joy and pain. You have
built your capacity to be in a relationship with the fragility and grace that
are inherent to this human experience. However, it is wise to remember that
the healing journey is not linear. You can always pick up this book again,
resume the practices that have served you, and integrate your ongoing life
experiences into your ever-evolving sense of self. Inevitably, there will be
challenges ahead. However, you are now endowed with the knowledge and
skills that will help you not only respond with resilience, but that will allow
you to continue blossoming into your greatest potential as well.
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