Twilight/New Moon/Eclipse

(2008/09/10)
Its probably fair to say that of all the reviews Ive ever written about films (and Im closing in on a thousand) that none has ever been less necessary than this one. The Twilight franchise is, inexplicably, the biggest cultural phenomenon of the last five years, starting with a series of books and graduating to the big screen because, yknow, its target audience doesnt really like to read all that much. Words are hard, pictures are easier. For the three of you that dont know, the Twilight series centers around (ugh, that name) Bella Swan (Kristin Stewart) a high school girl kept on the constant edge of sexual arousal by the presence of the prettiest man in the world, one Edward Cullen (Rob Pattinson, whos much more attractive than she is), who also happens to be a gentleman vampire. Oh, and since just pining for an immortal isnt enough, theres also a hunky-ass werewolf/Indian (Lycan-American?) named Jacob (Tyler Lautner), who has the uber-hots for Bella and runs around in just a pair of shorts most of the time, showing off his brick-s**thouse build. Edward is the heart and Jacob the animal attractiveness (and get it? Heart/vampire, loins/wolf? My, how clever) that drives Bella to distraction wishing she could hump one or the both of them, but these arent those kinds of movies. We have to bring Bella just to the edge of arousal and then let her back down, keeping her chaste and safe. Really, its no wonder every girl aged ten to fifteen swears by (and probably a whole lot more after dark) these books. Twilight sets the scene, squandering most of its first hour with Bella sitting around snubbing her new friends (shes a recent transfer, natch) while she stares out into space and voice-overs incessantly wondering about the Cullens in general and Edward in specific. Being that America post-Buffy is fairly awash in vampire crap, youd think shed piece it together sooner, but Bellas not exactly the brightest bulb in the box. She and Edward sort of bump into one another (he saves her life in extremely showy fashion, but much like Lana Lang on Smallville she just furrows her brow and stares past the obvious), but they have no real chemistry; he looks like hed rather be anywhere else, and she looks like shes having an acute case of the cramps. We finally get past meet-not-so-cute and Bella gets to drop in on the rest of the Cullens, a preternaturally attractive clan with these weird golden eyes who dress well and generally act smug and superior (theyre pretty much like immortal Republicans, which is Dick Cheneys fondest daydream). Most of the family accepts Bella, but theres always one whos pissed off, and the really fey one almost spooges every time she gets a paper cut (which happens disturbingly often around these vampires). Of course she falls for Edward hes perfect and hes not pressuring her for sex and he falls for her because its that sort of franchise. Most of the rest of the Cullens are pretty forgettable in the movies, looking just different enough so that you can tell them apart. The only one who makes any impression is Edwards sister Alice (Ashley Greene), and thats because shes so sweetly cute you can get diabetes just from looking at her.

The first movie is boring as hell, having no real plot other than Bella and Edward yearning for one another and not doing anything about it; the superior Cullens explain that they are vegetarian vampires who dont drink human blood and who also sparkle in the sunshine (trust me, its gayer than gay porn) and everything is pretty much swell up until some other nasty hippie-looking vampires roll into town and for no discernable reason whatsoever want to pick a fight. So theres a little bit of action toward the end, but we know no ones really going to die. In this world of looks is everything of course all the heroes are perfectly groomed and the villains look like they just departed Woodstock, all messy hair and hippie clothing; the great sin is not being a bloodsucking vampire, its dressing like a Soho bum. So ends part one, having accomplished nothing except to get our ill-paired lovers together and to leech every last drop of menace from the vampire myth altogether. Vampires are supposed to be vicious and scary, but your average Beanie Baby is more menacing than the Cullens. Buffy wouldnt have to slay this clan; she could dress them in off-the-rack clothing and watch them die of shame. But since I wanted to understand just why every tweenie (and, shamefully, a fair amount of grownups) on the planet holds this series up the way my generation venerated Tolkien and Star Wars (without the sexual elements, natch), I subjected myself to the second film, New Moon, the implication of which made me cringe because, well, I sort of like werewolves, and the first film had done such a vasectomy on vampires, I shuddered to think what the Lycans were going to be put through. New Moon starts off with Edward conveniently leaving so we can waste the first half of the movie having Bella moping around and hallucinating him everywhere she looks, and also so that buff-ass Jacob can start to horn in on her. Jacob, unlike Edward, isnt pretty, hes manly, and any woman with eyesight would want to throw him down and mount him (remember, wolf = wild = no control = boffing); why he fixates on Bella is a mystery (though its obvious they upped Stewarts hair and make-up budget in the second film). But he does, even though she does the I love Edward nonsense continually. She keeps trying to put herself in danger because that apparently triggers the hallucinations of him (its worse than it sounds) so Jacob is often stripping off his shirt to rescue her from dirt-bike mishaps or whatever (and, honestly, if I were built like him Id find every excuse to doff my tunic as well). The movie follows the same will they/wont they/you know they wont formula as the first one, except that to heighten the drama they have Edward believing Bella has killed herself. Since perfect sparkle-boy doesnt want to live without her, he travels to Rome to seek out some super-evil vampires known as the Volturi (like vultures, that feed on the dead get it? Man, so clever). Luckily the Volturi are played by some real actors (Dakota Fanning as the Kirsten Dunst chick from Interview With a Vampire, an eternal twelve-year old whos super pissed because, well, you know why) and the brilliant Michael Sheen, slumming here in between stints playing Tony Blair. Luckily Alice (sigh, she really is damned cute) can see the future and knows that Edward is going to expose himself (the entire audience gasps for breath at that announcement, but it just means hes going to sparkle in the sunshine), and that Michael Sheen and the others will kill him (no doubt driven by the shame that he was in Underworld and now hes in this). So, the long trip to Italy to save Edward, yay, Bellas really alive, except, of course, shes

immune to all the vampire super powers, which worries the evil pale red-eyed bad guys and so to save all their asses Edward agrees to marry Bella (which she wants) and turn her into a vampire (which she also wants. You get to wear designer sweaters and sparkle, its really not that bad). So ends movie 2. The second one is a drag but at least there is some semblance of a plot besides two people who have no chemistry playing at being achingly in love with one another. Unfortunately this leads right into the third movie, where we find out that one of the hippie vampire chicks from the first movie is still alive and wants revenge on Clan Cullen Yuppie. Which is good, in a way, because it allows for some scenes where we have some newborn vampires running around killing humans; after three and a half hours of this nonsense, someone finally remembered that vampires are supposed to be scary. The rest of the film is sort of draggy, taken up with increasingly dull Bella-Edward-Jacob triangle, until the end where the veggieCullens must work with Jacob and the Lycan-Americans to fight off hippie chick and her army of maladroit newbie vamps, and so blessedly theres at least a little action toward the end. Oh, and theres a slightly higher Alice quotient here, which is good. As movies theyre mostly slow-moving, with lots of dewy lingering close-ups and sultry looks to get those tweenie girls sighing. Theres some obvious homo-erotic overtones with the werewolves (a pack of shirtless guys running around in their underwear in the woods all day?), but overall the whole affair is remarkably safe, which is why young girls flock to it in droves and their mothers sneak a peek when the kiddies are away at school. Its largely harmless romantic fantasy, and yeah, its overwrought, but then at twelve everything is anyway. Bella is so bland that shes a perfect stand-in for the intended viewer, a woman with no real discernable personality so its easy for the viewer to project into her. And who wouldnt want to be fought over by two pretty boys, one the ultimate romantic and the other the ultimate hunk? Its perfectly designed for escapist girlie entertainment, and the supernatural elements, far from threatening danger like they do everywhere else theyre used, here are just used as a little extra spice, akin to making the Cullens European or lost nobility or what-have-you. Its all for the glamor and nothing to do with the substance of it, so anyone who actually likes vampires and werewolves for what they normally are will be gagging inside twenty minutes. But these films arent for you anyway. Theyre basically harmless fluff, a bunch of pretty people prancing around spouting ridiculous dialogue. As a fan of myth I might be a little bit worried about the impact these movies (and the books) might have on some of the more prevalent supernatural myths of our time (only zombies have a greater pull on the publics imagination at the moment), but these films will most likely be forgotten in ten years. They dont have the legs that a Tolkien or even a franchise like Pirates of the Caribbean has; the one thing they do have going for them is, much like Titanic, they tap into some pretty widespread and shared female fantasies. Traditionally the box-office and long-term nerd-worship and reverence are reserved for the boys, and the Twilight saga is aimed solely at the girls. Will they return as adults to mine that ground once more (like many fans of Star Trek and Star Wars have)? Hard to say. Theyre not really very good movies, though, which at least some of the Star

Wars ones were; it will be interesting to see if the lack of a real narrative other than I love you and him can sustain this saga for a decade or two (Im guessing no, but then Im constantly surprised by the enduring cult of The Big Lebowski). Twilight may be in the end nothing more than a tweenie rite of passage, something every eleven-year-old girl goes through before she grows up and decides that real boys are a lot more interesting than the ones that sparkle or turn into overgrown hounds. February 14, 2011