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The TASNIS Tatler

Volume 1, Issue 2 Winter 2001

TASNISThe American School Not in Switzerland

News in brief . . .
First issue funnier, better Wiring for wireless network nearly complete Dining service shot glasses being over-used Lucrative TASNIS summer school expands to entire year TASNIS declares that all students are gifted and eliminates lower school

British Comedian Hill Chosen as TASNIS Graduation Speaker

TASNIS Headmaster Larry Beane announced this week that beloved British comedian Benny Hill has been invited to speak at this years graduation ceremony. Were especially pleased and awfully excited that Mr. Hill has been invited to speak at this years graduation. His naughty jokes and politically incorrect sense of humor will lend just the right touch to what is ordinarily an especially tedious event, remarked Beane while holding up one of Hills videotapes. TASNIS administrators have often been accused of inviting well-known academics to speak at graduation, many times for expensive fees. Hills price was definitely right! beamed Beane. When asked if Hills death could create potential problems for the school, Beane was adamant. TASNIS does not discriminate period. Mr. Hills metabolic state has nothing whatsoever to do with his ability to do a good, if not fantastic, job on graduation day. In another departure from TASNIS tradition, scantily-clad girls will escort guests to their seats. Other graduation day changes include the use of Hills theme song Yackity-Sax instead of

Comedian Benny Hill when alive

the traditional Pomp and Circumstance for the processional. To be honest, these kids needed something to cheer them up after I forced them go to school during In-Pro week and if Benny Hill cant do it, then nobody can, said the grinning Beane. Mr. Hill was unavailable for comment.

Gifted infant Tyler Burpe, studies for his AP Art History exam.

Inside this issue:

Village People hit the road Fleming mega-musical opens this Friday 10-year plan may take a little longer Big hole in ground near gym making progress Staff excited by news of more meetings Meetings Cycle Chart 2 2 3 3 4 4

TASNIS Launches School for the Worried

The Caution School, the latest part of TASNISs expansion efforts opened last week with subdued fanfare. The location remains a secret and visitors must arrive blindfolded. We didnt really want to make a big deal about it, for fear that somehow a kidnapper would show up and take one of the students, said newly appointed head Susan Bellhop as she made a quick glance over her shoulder.
Secret location of Caution School

The focus of the school will be to teach children to be careful explained Bellhop. Students will be warned about the dangers of globalwarming, not brushing between meals, nuclear power plants,

undercooked poultry, unshaven old men, low self-esteem, artificial sweeteners, microwave ovens, swallowing chewing gum, Prince Edward, page three of The Sun, super-bacteria, killer bees, any member of The Rolling Stones, smoking behind the Post Officethe list never ends. Caution School begins Monday. Students are reminded to bring their latex gloves.

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THE TASNIS TATLER

VOLUME 1 , ISSUE 2

TASNIS to Village People: Hit the Road!

The group of dutyteam members known as The Village People have been instructed to either pay rent or begin performing again in order to keep their schoolprovided housing, according to Mary Really, Director of Human Resources. nearly constantly in return for free housing, and The Village People are no exception. Early in their careers The Village Peoples unique musical style earned them several Top-1000 hits, including YWCA and In the Coast Guard. Competition from such Village People during happier times performers as The Bay When we hired The City Rollers and a Village People, it was with the full drastic change in fashion trends expectation that they would conled to their rapid downfall. With tinue to tour in addition to pervirtually no money and only one forming their TASNIS duties. So change of clothes, The Village Peofar, theyve done nothing but ple responded to a job offer from throw wild parties at their luxuriTASNIS. ous Snippins apartment and steal Village Person Dave Oddwald adcutlery from the dining service. mitted that the TASNIS deal Here at TASNIS, we insist that all sounded good at first: They ofbut certain administrators work fered us a free flat near London, some food and linens why not? We didnt know that wed have to sell our souls to them. Biker Oddwald: deal Mary Really disagreed. We did not ask for their souls. We merely requested unyielding loyalty and nearly all of their time and talent, but that is all. The Village People have agreed to hit the road. In addition to their normal duties, the group will resume recording and performing. Several venues have been booked, including The Bracknell Bowl, The Addlestonedome, and the Chertsey British Foreign Legion Hall.
sounded good at first

PCF: Want Some Ice?" to Open Friday

The musical megaextravaganza is being directed by TASNIS drama teacher Marian Hugawood-Dowelrod and features many students and staff members. Faculty performer Anamari Starbucks-TateModern, playing the part of lead Flemette, jumped at the chance to Cast of PCF: Want Some Ice? at Thorp Pond be a part of it: I really PCF: Want Some Ice?, an fancy singing and Im a great fan original musical depicting the of ice, so this really is a dream life of TASNIS founder and come true. world-famous figure skater Peggy Crist Fleming will open Other faculty members this Friday night at the TASNIS performing in the show include pond behind Thorp Palace. Nikki Newspaperer (Very First TASNIS Student), David Crustie Modeled after the very successful (Jealous Lover), Michael Lippy A-Team on Ice performed at (Mrs. Flemings Maid), Michelle TASNIS in the mid-80s, the Wager (Coat-check Girl), Mark show will be a combination of Hurts (Injured Skater), James biographical vignettes, huge Jimmies (Hometown Skating production numbers, and several Coach Who Inspired Mrs. large explosions. Fleming to Skate Even Though She Didnt Really Want To), Sherry Greentea (Olympic Skating Coach Who Made Peggy Cry Once), and Paul Lactose (Head of TASNIS Antarctica).

Michael Lippy rehearses for big finale

Hugawood-Dowelrod confessed that there were some challenges. We had several accidents at first, so I did allow those who felt uncomfortable with actually skating to merely slide around in their boots. From a distance you cant really tell. Tickets are on sale now at the TASNIS box-office. A television variety show is rumored to be in the works for next fall.

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THE TASNIS TATLER

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Will actually take 100 years to complete

The Tatler has learned that a careless clerical error by a local architectural consultant means that the TASNIS 10year master plan may take an additional 90 years to complete.

Double-O Trouble for 10-Year Plan

that certainly would take more than 10 years to complete. Particularly upsetting to many was the planned destruction of nearly every historic building on campus. Gorgonzola responded without hesitation to his critics: Most of those who take issue with this plan have never actually been to the campus. If they had, they would realize just how very old these buildings are. What are we supposed to do with them? In 90 years well see who was right. TASNIS administrators intend to continue to refer to the plan as The 10-year plan so as not to do psychological damage to those who live and work here. Having ten 10-year plans is actually better than having merely one, claimed one un-named administrative source. Only time will tell.

Executive Director Fernando Gorgonzola, who originally shunned attempts by the media to question him about the 90-year blunder, finally agreed to talk with The Tatler. I can asAfter the original sure everyone that plan was drafted it the additional 90 was sent to well years that it will known architectural take to complete consultants Jeeves & the 10-year plan Wooster in nearby will in no way deStaines to determine ter me from seeing a feasible time-line. A to it that TASNIS first-year secretary has the most beauGorgonzola caught by Tatler hidden accidentally failed to camera with copy of 10-year plan. tiful campus on append the correct Earth. number of zeroes to the estimate, thus causing TASNIS officials reCritics have often pointed out viewing the plans to believe that it that re-routing the Thames river would take 10 years to complete, and building a replica of the Eifwhen in fact, it would actually fel Tower were frivolous and take 100 years to finish. time-consuming enhancements

Big Hole in Ground Near Gym Making Progress

The big hole in the ground near the gym is making substantial progress according to project manager Dudley Winthrop. The big hole is part of the first phase of the TASNIS 10-Year Plan (see related story above, drawing right, and big hole below) and is expected to be completed by next fall.

Architects rendition of what proposed TASNIS campus will look like in 100 years Big hole crew expected to double soon

The big hole is coming along nicely and Im very excited about the way that its looking. Weve added some steel girders to help maintain its shape and expect that it will enjoy several years of use, said Winthrop.

Some TASNIS officials expressed concern that the project was taking too long, but Winthrop was optimistic: Im planning to double the crew next week, so well have five men working on the big hole by next Monday. I think youll be surprised at just what theyll get done in between breaks.

Athletic Director Eddie Angry was especially pleased with the progress. Once this big hole is done, well be able to move to Phase 2, which includes removing quite a few more faculty parking spaces. Im quite delighted. Angry was quick to credit Winthrops team: The hole crew is fantastic!

Meeting Meetings to Commence Soon

A series of mandatory meetings to help faculty members cope with what has been termed meeting stress will begin next Friday at 3:11 in The Hole. ings were little more than unmitigated gab-fests with no clear purpose, and worse yet, no clear ending time. Past efforts to spice up meetings have included the use of teambuilding games, often requiring participants to adopt embarrassing and often unhygienic body positions. Other efforts have included what I did every day of last week introductions and requiring attendees to hug an administrator and say youre special. School counselor Constant Gales will oversee the weekly meeting meetings and expressed her optimism. If the weekly meeting meetings prove to be as successful as everyone hopes, I see no reason why we cant have them more often, perhaps even daily. Gales said that the first meeting will be an explanation of the Meeting Cycles that everyone goes through and how to cope. As a public service for Tatler readers, the simple chart is printed below.

If you really need to contact us . . . TASNISTHE AMERICAN S C H O O L NOT IN SWITZERLAND

Oldharbour Lane Thorp, Surreyshire TWA UR6T
ENGLAND

Phone from US: 011-44-1932-555252 Phone from UK: 01932-555252 Phone from Thorp: 555252 Phone from TASNIS: 0 Fax: Not worth trying Email:tasnisheadmasterssecretary@tasnis. com.co.uk.edu

Second day of back to school introductions

Time-Team leader Carl Xianson made the announcement at last Mondays Faculty Meeting where he explained the need for still more meetings. What were hearing from both new and sort of old faculty members is that they are stressed out by the significant number, and dubious quality of TASNIS meetings. Our hope is to help them cope. TASNIS faculty have long complained that most, if not all, meet-

The American School Not in Switzerland

Tel: 01932-555252

Dining Service Cookbook! 1.50

Enjoy TASNIS food at home whenever you want!
Caution: Not recommended for newlyweds.
NAME

TASNIS

See if you can cram your address into the small space below. ADDRESS

Official Meeting Cycles that Everyone Goes Through

Meeting Cycle
Initial Apprehension Arrival Resentment Unexpected Excitement Gratuitous Flattery Major Disappointment Amazement Sudden Surprise Eye-bulging Anger Absolute Relief Absolute Depression

Symptoms
You feel like youre supposed to be at a meeting, but you dont know which one. You arrive at the meeting and there are no snacks. The snacks arrive and you plow through your colleagues to get a Sainsburys Prune Danish and a glass of Iron-Bru. As you are told how wonderful you are by administrator. When you realize that administrator is talking about everyone present and you eyeball the slacker from some other division sitting next to you. That having a tooth pulled sounds really good right about now. When that person with whom youve worked for five years but dont know their names mobile phone ring wakes you up with Flight of the Bumblebee. When just as the meeting is about to be adjourned, somebody asks a question that has nothing whatsoever to do with anything, not even them. As you are dismissed from the meeting. When you realize that your next meeting starts in two minutes in the same room.

Meeting Cycles Chart Copyright 1977 Association of Experts on Stuff We Just Made Up and Schools Fall For