10

The TASNIS Tatler

Volume 1, Issue 3 Spring 2002

TASNISThe American School Not in Switzerland

News in briefs . . .
White still most popular color. BVD, Jockey merge, form BVDJ. Boxers threat to market share exaggerated says Calvin Klein. Underwear donations down this year says Salvation Army. Read section title again if youre confused.

Tatler Publisher Stands Accused of Having Too Much Time

TASNIS Tatler
publisher Steven Myrear has been accused by school officials of having too much time. Myrear, who also teaches at the school, has allegedly shirked his TASNIS responsibilities in favor of lucrative publishing opportunities. An unnamed source within the TASNIS administration has told reporters that Myrear is clearly using school time to publish his so-called newspaper. He lives on campus for free, so technically all of his time belongs to us. Hes either cheating the school or somehow using more than his daily 24-hour allotment of time. Myrear admits to exceeding his 24-hour allotment of time once or twice during college, but steadfastly insists that he hasnt since. Like a lot of kids, I did some experimentingit was just a phase. While employed at TASNIS Ive never exceeded my 24-hour daily limit. As a matter of fact, Ive been a big supporter of several programs that help recovering timeabusers. School officials arent sure what to do with the unrepentant Myrear. Some have called for him to pay back the time by chaperoning every Middle School dance for the next five years or forcing him to swing

Publisher Myrear defends himself.

from ropes while blindfolded at the next TASNIS leadership retreat. Myrear will continue to publish the Tatler while waiting for his June disciplinary hearing. If I dont publish this paper then the wellbeing of all time-fearing citizens will be at risk.

Low self-study esteem plagues many TASNIS teachers. (See article on page 3)

Inside this issue:

Security Pole Put to Test Parking Woes Eased by Amusement Park. MS Festival Plagued by Student Controversy. Low Self-Study Esteem a problem says Head. Plan Ahead for Possible Holiday Cancellations. Athletic Director Returns! Student Workers Help TASNIS Budget! TASNIS Teachers in Movie Remake! 2 2 3 3 3 4 4 4

Curriculum Rapping Not Just Fad

School officials insist that the latest pilot project from the Office of Professing Development is not just another educational fad. Curriculum Rapping, the teaching technique whereby the entire curriculum is sung to students in the form of popular rap music, has come under fire by those who resist change according to Carl Xiansen, head of the newly announced project. We all know how kids love rap musicthey listen to it constantly. The idea of curriculum rapping is definitely a sound one. Were treating it very seriouslyteachers have to audition in front of a panel of celebrity judges, and only if they do well may they perform for actual students. Ive got that L.L. Coolaid guy coming in to helpthis is the real deal, said the obviously pleased Xiansen.
Teacher Frank Simon raps nouns for a Spanish I curriculum audition.

The second round of auditions begin next Wednesday in the Peggy Fleming Theatre and Skating Rink.

PAGE 2

THE TASNIS TATLER

VOLUME 1 , ISSUE 3

TASNIS Security Pole 100% Effective Against T error

The TASNIS War on Terror seems to be achieving its aims according to Director of Security & Gardening John Smythe. Im delighted to report that the TASNIS security pole has been 100% effective in stopping unwanted terrorist parking, he proudly declared. The good news came just a month after the security pole, installed by TASNIS Director of Maintenance Rusty Jarlid , was put in place. The hollow aluminum pole is operated by a group of specially trained S.P.O.T. (security pole operating team) Squad members. Timing is very important, said Smythe. The first few days we lost a few windscreens, Im afraid. Until the pole was installed, terrorists were very much able to come and go as they pleased, often parking in the spot reserved for Smthye would not comment regarding the rumored TASNIS war on disgruntled construction workers who steal forklifts and local hooligans who walk onto campus and try to steal school property. Lets try to focus on the positive aspects of this war, he responded when questioned. Weve prevented many faculty and parents from taking these parking spaces for granted. Our other car parks are getting quite a bit more use now (see related article below). Many schools from across the country have reportedly paid visits to TASNIS to see the security pole and S.P.O.T. Squad in action. Its gratifying to know that our pole is so highly regarded, said Smythe. Individuals interested in joining the S.P.O.T. Squad are encouraged to contact the school.

Security pole in standby position.

the nurse. We had to draw the line somewhere, said Smythe. Since installing the security pole we havent had a single case of terrorist parking, he added.

Once again, Timmy the Train is coming to the rescue, this time to those who are frustrated by the lack of good parking spots on the TASNIS campus. Nearby amusement center Thorp Parke has agreed to let TASNIS drivers use their car park and ride the popular Timmy the Train to a location within a few minutes of campus via Monks Walk. Since the installation of the TASNIS security pole (see related article above), faculty, staff, and students have been forced to park in what many consider nothing more than a gravel pit. After the loss of several cars to huge pot-holes, many suggested that the lot be

Thorp Parke to Help Ease TASNIS Parking Woes

In exchange for the use of the car park and train, TASNIS has agreed to use Thorp Parke advertising on all of its buildings, clothing, school supplies, and stationary. All upper school students will sport an official Thorp Parke tattoo.
Students, staff speed towards campus on Timmy the Train.

paved with asphalt. School officials declared the project too expensive and originally devised a pay and display scheme to fund improvements. Unfortunately, a survey of the faculty revealed that none could afford the 1.50 per day fee. It was then that Lower School teacher Dennis Meringue suggested the use of the beloved train. Ever since I was a kid, Timmy the Train was a real inspiration to me. I just kept thinking of his little motto: Maybe if Im lucky, maybe if Im lucky . . . and then it came to me! I called Thorp Parke and they said yes, recalled the obviously touched Meringue.

So far, the only problem for the new service has been a threatened strike by the train conductor. Last minute negotiations were successful and Timmy the Train remained in service. Headmaster Larry Beane, one of the first to ride the train to campus, said it reminded him of his youth: My best friend was named Timmy. While he wasnt a train, he always stayed on track no matter what. As TASNIS looks to the future, Timmy is right here with us, tooting his horn, blowing his whistle, and saying Maybe if Im lucky, maybe if Im lucky . . . to each of us who are determined to drive to school.

Parking lot deemed not lovely by inspectors.

VOLUME 1 , ISSUE 3

THE TASNIS TATLER

PAGE 3

Controversy Plagues TASNIS Middle School Parents Festival

Some organizers of the popular TASNIS Middle School Parents Festival have complained that excessive student involvement is detracting from the event. The festival, meant to showcase the talents of TASNIS parents, is being ruined, some say, by students who are doing all the work. One of the faculty judges, who wished to go unnamed for reasons of personal safety, made his or her feelings known: Lets face it when you take a look at som e of these amateurish displays, the use of very simple vocabulary and sentence structure, the lack of any real creativitythen you have to wonder if students were involved. We may call it a parents festival, but clearly there are students doing a whole heck of a lot of work behind the scenes. Not everyone agrees. Susan Whiffleball, whose project Which Mouthwash Really Lasts the Lonnnnggggest captured one of sixty-six first prize awards, made it clear who did the work. While I will admit that my son Willard did offer a suggestion or two, to say that he materially participated in the development of my project is a total misstatement of the facts. I object to such an assertion wholeheartedly, Whiffleball declared.

Low Self-Study Esteem a Problem Says Chairperson

The Head of the TASNIS Lower School and chairperson of the most recent TASNIS self-study, Debi Angry has expressed her concern that many faculty do not value the exhaustive self-study highly enough.

Harlan Sanders shows off his Parents Festival project Light Bulbs to other participants.

How highly you value the self-study is how highly you value yourself.
Im definitely worried about the lack of self-study esteem in many of our staff. They seem almost depressed whenever I mention the subject. Its definitely a cause for concern, said Angry at a recent administrative press conference. Symptoms of low self-study esteem include laziness, irritability, odd facial expressions, poorly written grade reports, and a general lack of attention during all-school faculty meetings. School counselor Constant Gales added, Nearly every social, behavioral, and sexual problem that Im aware of can find its root in poor selfAll teachers to receive personalized copy of self-study . study esteem. How highly you value the selfstudy is how highly you value yourself, she remarked. Plans to combat the growing problem include providing a personalized copy of the self-study to each faculty member, special I Love The Self-Study motivational stickers, and self-hypnosis tapes which are designed to make listeners subconsciously feel good about the self-study. To ensure that further problems are abated, Angry is recruiting volunteers to prepare a Study on Poor Self-Study Esteem for publication in 2005.

Head of TASNIS Middle School Dr. Scotch Atoms stands behind the festival. While the students may have helped a little, I can honestly say that the bulk of the work was done by parentsand thats the way it should be, he stated. Atoms says that the controversy will in no way deter his ambitions for an even bigger and better Parents Festival next year. Were planning on expanding the talent show, perhaps with some sort of bathing suit competition, maybe add some WWF-style wrestling then well see whos really doing the work! he said. So despite the controversy, it seems that the Parents Festival will remain a beloved event and a great chance for TASNIS parents to compete with one another in front of their children.

Parents Urged to Plan Ahead for Possible Holiday Cancellations

School officials are urging parents to plan ahead, but not too much when it comes to next years school holidays. Just because a vacation is published in the school calendar doesnt mean that it will actually happen, said Academic Dean Lord Byron Hosier. The calendar is merely a rough guide, he added. Hosier suggests that parents wait until a week or two at most before booking plane tickets or making other holiday plans. Well try to give at least a couple of weeks notice before canceling a holiday, particularly the really big ones like Christmas or Easter, Hosier continued. Weekends still seem to be intact, says Hosier. For now were not planning to cancel any weekends, but Im not saying that it couldnt happen, he pointed out.

AD Angry Returns After Operation

TASNIS Athletic Director Eddie Angry has returned to work after a three-year leave of absence following a successful lip-replacement operation. He had been suffering from lip problems for many years following several seasons of recreational bubble-blowing. I knew that all the bubbleblowing would soon catch up with me and it finally did. My upper lip could simply not handle the demands placed upon it. It wasnt a question of if I would have the lipreplacement surgery, it was a question of how, said the now smiling Angry. In any case, Im absolutely delighted to be back with my colleagues here at TASNIS and looking forward to these final few weeks of school, continued Angry. Angry has been advised by doctors to take it really easy and to refrain from further bubble-blowing, using drinking straws, or inflating balloons.

If you really need to contact us . . . TASNISTHE AMERICAN S C H O O L NOT IN SWITZERLAND

Oldharbour Lane Thorp, Surreyshire TWA UR6T
ENGLAND

Angry before lip replacement.

Angry remains undaunted by the changes in his lifestyle. I will miss some things that I really used to enjoy, but its a small price to pay in order to have my mustache stay in place. TASNIS Head Larry Beane praised his colleagues courage. This man has survived an incredible ordeal with humor, grace, wit, and surprisingly little drool. Hes a role model to all of us who take our lips for granted. Angry plans on writing a book detailing his struggle sometime next week.

Phone from US: 011-44-1932-555252 Phone from UK: 01932-555252 Phone from Thorp: 555252 Phone from TASNIS: 0 Fax: Not worth trying Email:tasnisheadmasterssecretary@tasnis. com.co.uk.edu

The American School Not in Switzerland

Tel: 01932-555252

The Smart of Thorp

By Doc Mister Lander
A fascinating look at some of Thorps most intelligent people. Hardback, with illustrations, 12 pgs.

TASNIS
Publications

Only 35!
NAME

See if you can cram your address into the small space below. ADDRESS

Student Workers Mean Big $ avings for TASNIS

TASNIS is saving resources go. These dozens of thousands of retirements couldnt pounds by using student have come at a better workers to fill the jobs time. And lets face it, normally staffed by these kids will work adults. Initially, the cheap, she said with a money-saving scheme slight chuckle. came into play after the surprise retirement of Upper school head two popular evening Arman Carmistead receptionists earlier in says that the new the year. Since then, scheme helps the students have been students as well. For hired to replace adults Student Head of Maintenance many of these kids, in a variety of positions, Raleigh Melton makes a repair. the only way that including maintenance theyll be able to afford workers, cooks, gardeners, and next years tuition increase is to most of the middle school teachers. work for the school. The fact that Even administrative positions their wages are going directly back have been filled using specially to TASNIS is one of the real selected Effort Honor Roll beauties of the plan, she said. students. Director of Persons, Mary Really explained the rationale behind the plan: In order to afford some of the more highly paid personnel here, we had to let some of the persons who were draining our

Student Academic Dean Allen Wu.

Providing students a chance to experience the real worldto work long hours for little payis something that TASNIS is proud to be a part of, concluded Carmistead. Students wishing to apply should contact Mrs. Really directly.

TASNIS Teachers in Film Re-make

to be former TASNIS employees were especially suited for their roles. Filming is set to begin immediately after this years graduation speech by Benny Hill.

Seventy-two departing TASNIS teachers have been offered roles in a re-make of the famous Paul Newman film Exodus. Director Otto Spielberg said that the soon