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TASNISThe American School Not in Switzerland

The TASNIS Tatler

Volume 2, Issue 1 Winter 2002

News in brief . . .

Upper school students prefer dark, difficult to read copier paper for tests when needing to make excuses. TASNIS car park declared wetland - must now have permit from Office of Environment in order to park. Middle school students vote hot dog bun with chocolate spread favorite meal.

PCF Musical Misquote Promotes Unneeded Call for Excellence

TASNIS administrators breathed a huge sigh of relief when they found that a simple misquote from the popular musical PCF: Want Some Ice? was the cause of an "unneeded quest for excellence." In the musical, which depicts the life of TASNIS founder and champion figure-skater Peggy Crist Fleming, the character of Mr. Fleming (played by Headmaster Larry Beane) tells his daughter "Never ever compromise with excellence. No matter how many students you have, never ever compromise with excellence." In fact, it was later learned from Mrs. Fleming herself that the line should have read "Never ever compromise with egg-salads."

Headmaster Larry Beane (left) explains egg salad (right) confusion.

Lucky faculty residents now have their own washer-dryer unit to use. It was installed after residents complained that sharing the machines with students was potentially embarrassing.

"As a skater, it was very important that I had a certain amount of protein each day. Egg-salad and egg-salad sandwiches proved to be the ideal solution. When I started my first school my father reminded me of just how important a good egg-salad was. You must have just the right amount of mayonnaise, mustard, maybe a bit of onion and pickle-too much can ruin it. He was right--I never compromised with egg-salads then, and I never will."

Headmaster Beane, when interviewed earlier this week, was obviously delighted. "This comes as great news for all of TASNIS. Instead of expending unneeded energy on a whole multitude of issues, we can devote our quest for excellence to a single recipe. I've informed the kitchen staff and we expect to achieve our goal of having egg-salads in all four of our divisions within two years, just in time for our next accreditation cycle." Beane smiled when he recalled delivering the original "excellence" line. "I had a feeling that it was supposed to be 'eggsalads' in the first place, but I've always been taught to deliver my lines as written. Next time I may ad-lib!" chuckled Beane. Recipes should be submitted to the Headmaster's office as soon as possible.

Inside This Issue

Sit-Down Dinner Gone! Mini-Gym Gets a Work Out S-MUN Prepares for Paris Conference Super Use of Superlatives at TASNIS Ask Aunt Tatty Librarian Secretly Craves Publicity Special Book Offer! 2 2 3 3 4 4 4

Mini-Me Opens Mini-Gym

Actor Verne Troyer, best known for his portrayal of Mini-Me in the popular Austin Powers series, opened the new TASNIS Mini-Gym last month. Troyer was asked only days before the ceremony, so it came as a surprise that he was able to attend at such short notice. I do everything at short-notice, quipped the popular comedic actor. Troyer spoke with fans, signed autographs, Troyer as Mini-Me and rode an English Sheepdog named Tabby. The highlight of the day for many was Continued next page

PAGE 2

THE TASNIS TATLER

VOLUME 2 , ISSUE 1

No More Sit-Down Dinner"

The dinner formerly known as sitdown has been replaced by a newer, more exciting dining experience according to Food Committee Chairperson Courgette Beane. The new twice-monthly meal, mandatory for all boarders and faculty residents, has been dubbed Slide-Down Dinner by the committee. Students and faculty now slide down a specially constructed pole into the dining hall. Then, upon landing, they work their way through a mazelike arrangement of tables before beginning their meal. Beane. By the time they get to their table, the food plays a secondary role. The thrill of sliding down the pole should be enough for most of them, she added with a laugh. Once seated, diners now engage in a series of air-kisses with each other then begin a pre-dinner discussion of a topic assigned by the Food Committee. Topics so far have included Getting the most from your $30,000 tuition and How to pronounce menu items. Following dinner, students then participate in a friendly competition to see who can create the best replica of campus buildings using only cutlery and left-over food. So far, the only difficulties have been with students who do not use the pole correctly, resulting blistered hands or a pile up of bodies at the bottom. Chairperson Beane is bringing in a team of experts to instruct the students. Once the kids get the hang of sliding down the pole without injury, this should be an excellent way to provide exercise, community bonding, and a certain amount of distraction in case they still dont like the food, commented Mrs. Beane. Student council president Allison Kiecwiecwski commented that the new slide-down dinner was the best thing to happen to TASNIS since they let us wander around during tutorial. Sliding lessons begin next week in the new TASNIS Mini-Gym. Sign up outside the dining hall.

Actor Verne Troyer visits with fans at the TASNIS Mini-Gym grand opening last month. He told the crowd There are no small roles, only small actorsand Im one of them!

Mini-Me
Continued from page one Troyers speech. He shared his thoughts on a variety of subjects including the environment, ornamental plants, height restrictions at theme parks, and the role of short-people in the food-service industry. He encouraged students to reach for the ceiling and to dream above-average dreams. There was one tense moment, however, when the diminutive Troyer accidentally jabbed physical education instructor Mark Hurts in the knee with scissors during the ribbon cutting ceremony. Hurts was unhurt and continued with his duties as master of ceremonies. He later commented I thought I might have to cut the ceremony short! to a relieved crowd. Troyer returned to Hollywood shortly after the ceremony where he is expected to star in a new TV series, Pocket P.I. , about a private investigator who hides in the pockets of his partner (played by Michael Jordan).

WHEEEEE! TASNIS student Ryan Hurtsmore prepares for the new Slide-Down Dinner. Hurtsmore commented that he finds the new dinner concept to be really exhilarating and cool especially if the person ahead of you doesnt get out of the way in time. Its awesome!

Students have been begging for a more satisfying dining experience and rather than resort to the obvious tactic of improving the quality of the food, the committee decided to add a whole new physical dimension to the experience, said

New Mini-Gym Getting a Good Workout" Says P Department .E.

The new Mini-Gym is already getting a good work-out during P.E. classes according to instructor Richard Burton. Students use the beautiful facility with its beamed ceiling, hanging lights, and plasterboard walls on a daily basis he says. While its non-standard size and design make it unsuitable for most team sports and any game where uses for it. Students enjoy sitting around, standing around, running around, and rolling around. We can also do most kinds of ballroom dancing, Burton told The Tatler.
Students enjoy sitting around activity in new TASNIS Mini-Gym during P.E. class.

something is thrown, tossed, or otherwise propelled through the air, we have found many other

The wooden rungs attached to the walls are used extensively by students who need practice climbing step ladders. The Mini-Gym is a part of the TASNIS annual Ten-Year Plan.

VOLUME 2 , ISSUE 1

THE TASNIS TATLER

PAGE 3

Supermodel United Nations Team Busy Preparing for Latest Conference in Paris
Id rather be in the hands of a supermodel than, lets say, Tony Blair or that Putin guy. Bob Grim
Once again, the TASNIS Supermodel United Nations team is diligently preparing for this years conference in Paris. Over twentysix supermodels are vying for spots on the ten-member S-MUN squad that will travel to the glamorous French city early next year. Faculty sponsors Bob Grim and Ricky Rickcardis, meet with the supermodels five days a week and several nights, if possible according to Grim. Oh, Ive been doing S-MUN as long as I can remember and I cant begin to tell you how much I enjoy it. Working with the supermodels is an intellectual and emotional treat, said Grim with a smile. New TASNIS faculty member Ricky Rickcardis echoed his colleague's sentiments, These girls are wonderful, and I mean that. Yes, they are beautiful, sexy suWhen asked if he thought that supermodels have a political edge over ordinary people, Rickcardis was quick to agree. Oh, yeah, if you compare them to the older, fat guys in ugly suits or some of those sort of scary-looking dudes with the funky haircuts at most UN conferences, these girls beat them hands down. People trust them, too. You dont think that a supermodel is going to declare war on you or bomb you or something, he commented. Bob Grim is quick to defend his SMUN squad against accusations from those who think that supermodels have nothing to offer the worlds governments. To be honest, Id much rather be in the hands of one of our supermodels than, lets say, Tony Blair or that Putin guy. In my experience, the girls can handle things quite well. Grim has also been pleased with the level of administrative support for his girls. Most are going to Paris with us and have offered to help in any way they canits encouraging. The Tatler will provide extensive coverage of the upcoming S-MUN conference.

TASNIS supermodels Brandee, Cindee, Kathee, and Pegee practice delivering resolutions at a recent S-MUN meeting.

permodels, but theyre first and foremost leaderswhen these girls make even the slightest move, people watch and followthats real leadership. Supermodel spokesperson Cindee told The TASNIS Tatler that the experience has changed her life: Supermodel United Nations has given me the opportunity to prove that Im more than just eye-candy for a bunch of teenage boys. I feel like I really have a lot to offer, and S-MUN has given me the chance to offer it to as many people as possible, she said.

Upper School Head Carmistead Extraecstatic Over Increased Use of Superlatives This Year
Upper School head Arman Carmistead said she is penultimately pleased by the use of superlatives in first quarter grade reports issued by her staff. I think its absolutely megamarvelous that our teachers are willing to pour this kind of ultraextraordinary effort into their work, she gushed. The praise comes only months after teachers were instructed to be more generous with their use of superlatives during a special inservice workshop. Carmistead explained the reasoning behind the push for more superlatives: Well, much like bacteria become immune to certain kinds of antibiotics over time, so too do children become immune to ordinary expressions of praise such as very good or nicely done. With self-esteem levels what they are today, we can only reach these kids through what we now call supersuperlatives. Student Heidi Flies agreed that the new supersuperlatives are working. Oh, yeah. I used to turn in stuff that I did at the last minute or junk that I wrote in middle school and Id get comments like excellent or something and it really didnt mean anything to me,
Arman Carmistead praises teacher Angie Reindeer for her ultraextraordinary use of superlatives on her first-quarter grade reports.

but now with the extra praise Im gonna try much harder, she said. Carmistead is encouraging her staff to keep up the wonderfully wonderful work next quarter.

Ask Aunt Tatty

Aunt Tatty answers your questions and offers advice to those sometimes baffled by the ways of TASNIS.
Dear Aunt Tatty: I have an embarrassing problem. Whenever I use the toilet in the faculty lounge I know that people can hear me. I know this because I can certainly hear them while Im making a cup of coffee or trying to repair the copier. What should I do? Looking for Relief Dear Looking for Relief, Try the hand-dryer method. Simply turn on the hand-dryer before you start to go. The noise from the blower will cover up any embarrassing noises that you make. In some cases, you may need to activate it more than once. Ive tried it and it works! Dear Aunt Tatty: I am thirty-nine years old with sixteen years teaching experience, two advanced degrees, and was the winner of the 1999 Teacher of the Year award from the U.S. Department of Education. I just found out that my twenty-three year old colleague without any sort of teaching credentials is making 5000 more than I am. Is this fair? Fairly Confused Dear Fairly Confused, Its absolutely fair! TASNIS does not discriminate against anyone. Remember, you CHOSE to get a teaching credential and advanced degrees. And as for your award, well, they give those to dim -witted movie stars, dont they? Perhaps if you spent a little less time bragging about your experience and expertise and a little more tim e schmoozing with your division head you wouldnt be in this predicament!

If you really need to contact us . . . TASNISTHE AMERICAN S C H O O L NOT IN SWITZERLAND

Oldharbour Lane Thorp, Surreyshire TWA UR6T
ENGLAND

Phone from US: 011-44-1932-555252 Phone from UK: 01932-555252 Phone from Thorp: 555252 Phone from TASNIS: 0 Fax: Not worth trying Email:tasnisheadmasterssecretary@tasnis. com.co.uk.edu

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Librarian Secretly Wishes to be Mentioned in Tatler

Friends of TASNIS Middle School librarian Solean Hitzfatchick have revealed to The Tatler that despite the popular newcomers public statements that she wants no part of that childish tabloid, her secret desire is to be the subject of as much media attention as possible, including that of The Tatler. Oh, yeah, she does this all the time. She acts like she deplores the media, but then she goes out of her way to create some sort of reason for them to feature her, said one former friend from the Boston, Massachusetts area. Back when she worked for a few weeks at the Harvard library, she started removing all the books written before 1985, claiming that they were outdated. Well, this caused quite a stir and she got loads of publicity, added Hitzfatchicks old chum, who spoke on the condition of anonymity.
Solean Hitzfatchick claims this photo caused her severe embarressmental trauma when originally published. (Photo by Lesley Plots)

not allowing anyone to actually go inside the new facility. Following the open house controversy, she was featured on the cover of the middle school newspaper, The Kid. She later attempted to sue the student publication, after it published a photo of her which she disapproved of. The photo, according to Hitzfatchick, makes it look like shes checking out one of her student helpers. The lawsuit was eventually thrown out of court, but resulted in even more publicity for the supposedly shy librarian. When The Tatler attempted to contact Hitzfatchick for her reaction, we were told that she was at a conference and later getting her hair done. In the meantime, both The Tatler and The Kid remain banned from the library, again causing unwanted attention for the shy librarian.

Shortly after arriving at TASNIS, Hitzfatchick created more attention for herself by scheduling a ribbon-cutting ceremony and open house for the library, and then