“THE EMPIRE A DUMB TV SHOW DON DAVE AL

STRIKES BACK” CALLED"QUINCY” MARTIN BERG JAFFEE

..and the usual gang of idiots are all in this issue of...

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 NUMBER 220 JANUARY 1981 VITAL FEATURES

“THE
EMPIRE
STRIKES
jou're watching a movie on TV, and the girl says OUT”
’—you know it’s an old moviel’—Alfred E. Neuman (Movie
Satire)
WILLIAM M. GAINES publisher ALBERT B. FELDSTEIN editor Pg.4
JOHN PUTNAM ari director LEONARD BRENNER production
JERRY De FUCCIO, NICK MEGLIN associate editors
JACK ALBERT lawsuits
GLORIA ORLANDO, CELIA MORELLI,
DAVID FRAZIER subscriptions
CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS AND WRITERS
the usual gang of idiots
LOOK
AT “THE
DEPARTMENTS DOUBLE
STANDARDS
AUTOPSY-TURVEY DEPARTMENT
“Queezy” (A MAD TV Show Satire) ...............0....005 43
BEFORE AND LAUGHTER DEPARTMENT
The Double Standards Of Age .............. Re Rye hO
BERG’S-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT
The Uighter Stde ysi.e.csccsrcais isis ew nainls wemdtea pare - 32
DOES A BEAR SPIT IN THE WOODS? DEPARTMENT
Js The; Pope- Catholic?! 7 2u).6 wom nsutoentrenaciviess deieatrecilel d 38
DON MARTIN DEPARTMENT
One Morning In A Theatrical Shop ...
One Afternoon In The South Seas . PUNISHED”
One Evening In A Hospital Room . Pg. 24
JEST IN TIME DEPARTMENT
Really Important And Relevant Life Spans.................. 29
JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMEN
SPYIVS. SPV oies sieevewon aeaeSauibee dra ata*wah!SeatneAI argsees -18
“REALLY
LETTERS DEPARTMENT IMPORTANT
Random Samplings Of Reader Mail .
AND
MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT RELEVANT
“Drawn-Out Dramas” By Aragones a sianasialteanme et LIFE-
SPANS”
MELTING THE POT DEPARTMENT Pg. 29
Burning Calories Without Exercise ...
PEST CONTROL DEPARTMENT
Everyday Crimes That Should Be Punished ................24
POWER TO THE PUPIL DEPARTMENT
The Students Supply Catalogue ..... caha trees ANOTHER
DAVE
PUT YOUR FUNNY WHERE YOUR MOUTH IS! DEPARTMENT BERG'S
An Al Jaffee “Snappy Answers To Stupid
Questions” Gangland Episode ...................... “THE
cet LIGHTER
THE FARCE BE WITH YOU! DEPARTMENT SIDE”
“The Empire Strikes Out" (A MAD Movie Satire) ............ 4
THE GREED OF TIME BEARS BIDDER FRUIT DEPARTMENT
AMAD Auction Of Some
Legendary Celebrities’ Personal Items .................. 12
**Various Places Around The Magazine

MAD (ISSN 0024 9319) is published monthly except February, May, August and November by
E.C. Publications, Inc. 485 Madison Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10022. Second Clasa Postage

return envelope. The names of characters

tious, A similarity without satiric purpose to used in all MAD fiction and semi-fiction
a living person is a coincidence. Printed inareU.S.A.
ficti-
 LETTERS DEPT.
ALFRED E. NEUMAN FOR PRESIDENT
Alfred E. Neuman’s cover pitch for
the Presidency must bé a serious matter
~ with you guys! You omitted the always-
socko joke accompanying the UPC sym-
bol. Dennis Cochran
Long Beach, Calif.
CRYMORE VS. CRYMORE
Anything but dopey-looking!
“Crymore Vs. Crymore” was too much,
It's terrible the way Mort Drucker and
Stan Hart kept criticizing Dustin Hoff-
man’s nose and (lack of) height! Dustin
Hoffman is an outstanding actor and an
extremely sexy man. Take it from me,
he is anything but dopey-looking!
Laura Munger
Umatilla, Oregon
We can imagine what YOU look like!—Ed.
T only have one question for you, Mr
Drucker. If Streep has a nose like a ski-
slope, and Hoffman has one like a wom-
bat, why did you give the kid such a
dinky, nondescript, little button schnoz?
Allison Radke
Ellensburg, Wa.
Congratulations! You guys beat all
the mesmerized movie critics in discov-
ering the flaw of this all-single-husbands-
are-klutzes film: "How come a well-paid
‘Advertising Executive like you can't af-
ford to hire someone to help around the
house and pick me up after school?”
Lawrence Leibowitz
Bronx, New York
A MAD LOOK AT SKATING
Sergio Aragonés’s free-wheeling “A
MAD Look At Skating"» drove me to
rink! Allison Schupak
East Meadow, N.Y.
I marvel at the mileage Sergio got
out of “Skating.” For that matter, all his
themes entail mounting laughs and varia-
tions no other funny-man could think of!
Fred Mann
Chatham, N.J.
THE MAD SOCCER PRIMER
In your "The MAD Soccer Primer,”
you forgot the chapter on the Americani-
zation of soccer. Now we can listen to
idiot sportscasters who know nothing
about the game call all the plays wrong
and contradict the referees. We can also
watch the cheerleaders (generally foot-
ball rejects) jump up and down at all
the wrong times, Then again, there are
the ever-popular shootouts to decide who
wins the game, since in America there is
no such thing as a tic. Yes, the bigger
soccer gets in America, the more it re-
sembles another American sport . . . foot-
ball! Michal Clements
Gainesville, Fla.
I showed my soccer coach Siegel's
hilarious article. He thought it was a
kick in the grass! Bob E, Morton
Palo Alto, Calif.
MAD’S “THEY” AND “YOU” BOOK
Frank Jacobs and Paul Coker forgot
one in their "MAD's ‘They’ And ‘You’
Book.” THEY read a trashy, childish
magazine like MAD. YOU like to see
how the other half lives, Jim Bardler
Paramus, N.J.
“THEY” (other magazines) charge
inflationary prices; "YOU" (MAD Mag-
azine) have high production costs but
are reasonable, considering!
Mrs, Samuel Bagdon
Bayside, N.Y.
“THEY” believe everything that's told
to them; “YOU” have faith in others!
Greg Wooten
Wickliffe, Ohio
I was particularly blown away by
“MAD's ‘They’ and "You’ Book”!
Toni Ashwood
Ingram, Texas
MAD SPY’S LOSING STREAK
Spycial Prejudice?
I'd like to direct your attention to
“Spy Vs. Spy.” In your last 16 issues the
White Spy has defeated the Black Spy
five battles to three. Why is this? I
happen to be a Black Spy fan, Come on,
MAD Magazine, let's keep it 50/50!
Stuart Schneider
Covina, Calif.
Antonio Prohias may be partial to the
White Spy because he’s easier to draw!—
Ed.
THE CROCKFORD FILES
"The Crockford Files" proves that
Silverstone is one of the best MAD writ-
ers. The story was magnificent and de-
livered superb comedy with a little help
from Torres. Keep up the good work,
Silverstone! Matthew Guimes
Wyckoff, N.J.
“The Crockford Files” proves that
Torres is one of the best MAD artists,
The art was magnificent and delivered
superb comedy with a little help from
Silverstone. Keep up the good work,
Torres! Matthew Guimes
Wyckoff, N.J.
In addition to his funny lines, Lou
Silverstone'’s discerning ear has caught
the unique speech patterns of Rockford
and father. In the past, he has been un-
erring with Columbo and Baretta, too.
What next for Silverstone?
Jeff McKinley
Santa Clara, Calif.
Silverstone dissects “Quincy” in this issuel
—Ed.
NOAH'S ARK
Aside from his compressed menagerie,
George Woodbridge is to be commended
for his see-worthy Noah's Ark, on the
back cover. You're fortunate to have a
shipwright-artise who knows his scup-
pers, gunwales, and bulwarks from his
elbow. Hames Ware
Little Rock, Ark.
Why would Noah bring fish on board
the Ark, when all that water was sup-
posed to be coming?
Bryant MacQuinnan
Fox Chapel, Pa.
Because all that water was fresh water, and
those were salt water fish!—Ed.
The only animal forms missing on
Noah's Ark were dinosaurs. How come?
Tony Di Preta
Old Greenwich,
Connecticut
The dinosaurs were over on the port side,
facing Jaffee’s Fold-in!—Ed.
MAD AMONG THE MIGHTY
In my library, along with the works of
such authors as Winston Churchill, Eric
Hoffer, William F, Buckley, Jr., Robert
Ardrey, Stewart Udall, Adolf Hitler,
‘Alexander Solzhenitsyn, Mari Sandoz,
Chairman Mao, A. B. Guthrie, Jr, Aya
Rand, H. M. Worthington, and the like,
are 195 bound copies of MAD, #24-
#218, Can you tell me why?
R.C. Buckholder
Tucson, Ariz.
Because, along with all those dreamers,
visionaries, reformers and malcontents, you
need a sober chronicle df world events
from 1955 until now!—Ed,
—————————————————
Please Address All Correspondence To:
MAD, Dept. 220, 485 MADison Avenue
New York, New York 10022
Unsolicited Manuscripts will not be returned unless
accompanied by a self-addressed stamped envelope!
 WE'VE COME UP WITH ANOTHER

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 THE FARCE BE WITH YOU! DEPT.
A couple of years ago, they made a movie called “Star Wars.” It was a smash hit,
so they announced that they would make a sequel. Everybody thought it would be
called “Star Wars II’... but, lo and behold, they called it “Episode V’! Which
means that “Star Wars” was actually “Star Wars IV,” and “Star Wars VI” through
“yx will be made after “V” but before “I” through “Ill! In any case, they’d
better surpass this sequel, which doesn’t compare to the original! In fact...
C'mon! Stop on... |jf,| Please...! Stop Besides...!Bar-Stool — ofcourse,
Well, Princess [//| all this bicker- says Lube Skystalker Bar-Stool’s
Laidup, I'll Ican SEE || pretending II would ithink
you don't RATHER the ing!! Must you still isn’t back from chances
be leaving now! |.| that, Ham two always act patrol, and his chances of being
|/) Yoyo, and care about kiss a Yuceky / {|
The Bounty
| believe |/ YUCCKY could | A] _asifyou' of survival are only CORRECT
Hunters are MARRIED.. . 2!? one in 12,345,789! ! are only
afterme!t've |i me, you're se ifit handle x one in
gotaprice |' not worth weren't for your — Lf
the GERMS! /f)germs! |’ | Bleep...Br eeet >
Bleep.. . Blap... Zeeet |||12,345,790!
tag on my head! ||that much!
(wie
 P I R E
STRIKES OUT,
Arrgg! Arrgg! No, he's cry- Well, No, he won't!
GRE I'm doomed! It's OLDIE VON MOLDIE!
ing because I'm With the This morning Acreature Oldie... what are you
Poor Chew- this is the going ||temperature for breakfast, captured me
bacco! Is THIRD planet out falling, instead of his
he crying we've been on to your Wonton usual Chicken
because that doesn’t look will freeze Soup, | gave
Lube isn't have BANANAS for to death in him a bowl of
back yet? growing on it! 20 minutes! ANTI-FREEZE!

ARTIST: MORT DRUCKER WRITER: DICK DE BARTOLO

Lube, listen to Your lightsaber is nearby! Lube! Thank God you're alive! I've rf Uip! Choke! Gage!
me! You must go Sounds great, Whatever you WISH into your brought you some food! But first,
to the Dairybar Oldie! But hand shall BE in your
ee ee hand! | must get you warm! I'm cutting Er, Ham... FORGET
System! There, first, who's | open my dead Wonton and spreading
you will learn going to Really?? Then FORGET about | his intestines and his liver and
about the food! |
from Yodel, the seem to have lost
teach me how the lightsaber! I'M going his kidneys all over you!That'll
Jet-Eye Master to get down to wish for a sexy BLONDE get you warm! Now about the food—
my—ulp—appetite
who taught me! from HERE? with a big pair of scissors! for some reason!

= >
 -

Lube used The a | How's Lube, No! But some idiot Because NOW he's
| FOUND them! | FOUND Lube
and Ham! And they're both fine, to create some palm Doc? Did covered him with suffering from
despite that blistering storm! )|_ trees and sunshine! being out animal guts! THAT DROWNING!
in that did damage! But now TOO MUCH HYDRO-
FRIGID that he's in the BATH! STOP THE
COLD all Hydro-Bath, he’s no HYDRO-BATH! Re-
night do longer suffering move the RUBBER
any damage? HYDRO-DUCK!!

yp i
Ti
Sat

CESS srOh? ——— PLL show you

Ham, now that What makes C'mon, Princess! Yeah, but That broad’s got
great lips, but
Princess, you say that? Stop pretending As | recall, not all how much | love
the emergency
you dislike me! last night, that hard! you, Ham Yoyo!! lousy eyesight!!
is over, why sometimes Ifthat
not get on Ithink Well... for Last night, you kicked you
your 90-ton you forgot openers, you showed your TRUE in the rear isn't love,
broom and fly how to be have your BRA feelings for me! thruster! what is?
‘out of here?! j) on backwards!

I'm afraid that Oh, yeah? How about

have a visitor! was an Imperial if |KISS you... ??
Draidle! Which to
Tell him Good Lord!! It's a stai means they know Nol here,
main and isnothing
My plan That MAY upset
my STOMACH
we gave at less steel COCKROACH! that we're here! will upset my pla but not my plant!
the other Those things get more in- “a
destructible each century!
 Excuse me, Your Royal Highhandedness, but we've received a very Princess [J We'll open
fragmentary report from one of our Probe Draidles in the Zoth Don’t worry!
Laidup, the Energy i I'll make sure
System! It’s such a slim lead that | hesitate to mention it. . . six Star Shield for i you're covered
== a: Destroyers a moment i by our lon
That's it! That's Good Lord, your areon to let the Cannon... and
EXACTLY where Imperial Logic their way Fighters by our Major.
Lube Skywalker, is overwhelming! here... out...! x Medical Policy!
the Princess and We shall attack
the rebels ARE! Zoth at once!

These Imperial Kiunkers have
armor so thick, our lasers
bounce off them! Which is why
I'm making a pass across this
one’s legs with a clothesline!
It worked! It No, the clothesline had We've been HIT! ACLEARING?!? This
worked! Did the all our Yucchies’ dirty Hold on tight! planet has a million
clothesline laundry on it! When the I'll try to find square miles of flat
tangle up the Klunker puts its leg up | a CLEARING to ice .. .and he’s going
Klunker's legs to its nose to block the | crash-land into! to look for a clearing!
and TRIP it? ‘smell, it FELL OVER! 5 .

I may have crash-landed my Hee-Hee-Hoo-Hoo-Hah-Hah!! You've got to know exactly where

ti, Fighter, but I'm still going < to TICKLE those silly things!!
7 totry todestroy another one jam a,
~=|_of those Imperial Klunkers!! [] /
 Hold on, Princess! Sir! The entire control Well, Princess, And into another
It's time to leave! panel just shorted out! | DID manage Look! We're very tight jam!
i - = Falcon! This to get us out entering an Creepio. . what
Hahl! Do you really baby's still | See? There's ONE of one very ASTEROID do you recommend
think this bucket got a lot of SURPRISE already! tight jam... for ASTEROIDS?
of bolts will get ‘surprises And there should
us OUT of here?!? in her! be plenty more!
anes

econ ngage
Well, Bar- Oh, I'm sure it’s perfectly safe for Drai [_Welcome to Dairybar! May | help you? SLIMY MUDHOLE?!?
Stool! Here What I'm worried about is: Is it safe for HU- This is my HOME!
we are on Why ... yes! I'm looking for agreat
the planet long, it's nice to have a change of scene warrior and Jet-Eye Master named Well, | don’t
Dairybar! Slime, muck, quicksand, snakes, bats, mist. .- Yodel! | KNOW it seems strange to exactly con-
za iz be looking for a person like that | sider YOU to
Bleep Blap li] Beep Bapp Boop! | Yeah. I'M beginning to in a slimy mudhole like this, but— { be MR. CLEAN!
Boop Beeep (7) Bleep Screeeep! miss the snow and ice, too!
Z

| am Yodel! | can teach you Good! Let's Don't talk to me There's it

The one that worries
everything! How to levitate get started! about patience! something wane
i Y-Y-Yo u mean theewey
enth way |} ME is the one that
objects, how to fight with a I've got tons of STRANGE the rocks are shaped? looks like a giant
lightsaber, how to transmute The FIRST patience! about this That one looks like HEART .. . mainly be-
metals, how to catch flies on thing you Now—let’s get asteroid agiant liver... and cause it's BEATING!
=
your tongue! | also give an must learn going, you cave we've that one looks like _—= 0
advanced course in ‘Cute’! is patience! slimy twit!! landed in! a giant stomach

EE
ea =k

fs
 Well, Princess . . . | sure got us out of There's the Aluminum
tight spot number two with no That, or
trouble! Falcon! He's driving he's got
directly at us, head No-Fault
Imperial Starship And right into tight on! He must be crazy! | Insurance!
dead ahead, Sir! ‘spot number THREE!

Ligh

Excuse me, your Royal

Chewbacco, UZAY They have to Fantasti
Hardhat, but the Falcon | covering the } Nowthat [| dump their
has totally disappeared! |f top ofthe |] we're stuck
This ship
| feel so bad about I garbage be- ||LOOKS like
Oa Falcon with fore they garbage,
ing it, | could just di ” KRAZY GLUE |] can go into C) so they'll
was a stroke lightspeed! | never
of genius! kj away again? ——s

You've learned well, Lube! Wait a minute! I'm seeing an Operator, from
Ihave taught you how to Can you teach I'm seeing a Ah! You have Galactic Bell, asking for $40
lift objects like rocks me how to vision of my been given for the next three minutes!
and plants and heavy cases! lift wallets friends! They the giftof |
You may be a Jet-Eye, yet! and watches? are being be- clairvoyance! | wondered how long it would
trayed! | must What are you take the Telephone Company to
GO to them! seeing now? find a way to charge for ESP!
iu
 Tam Landough, <==" 1 was ‘Are you having problems “Someone must havel
That's the planet Bedpan! They The Handsome! |{Well, thank || TALK- with your Draidle. . .? fitted it with a
KNOW me, so we can hide there! || ING |__| voice box fora
— Andyou—you || you! That's || to the Er... no! He just woke Politician! They
W-Why are they ||_Like | said.. are truly always nice are EASY to fix!
beautifull! to hear...! ||BROAD! up, and he's having
shooting at us? ||they KNOW me! 1 trouble pulling him-
i self together! However, |[ MOST
when he TALKS, it all 7 Politicians
comes out gobbledygook! || ARE!

I plan on deep-freezing Lube He SAID it!

Sorry, Ham! | had Don’t be so shocked!
to make a deal to You invited | know he doesn't eat Skywalker the moment he arrives HeSAID it!
He LOVES ME!
keep the Imperial Dart Zadar out much! But for you on Bedpan in a vain attempt to like the end!
I LOVE you!
Forces off my back! to dinner?! he made an exception! rescue you! Meanwhile, | will No, | meant!
freeze Ham Solo asa test. love ME, too!
Lower him into the chamber .

Gee, | really Ham Yoyo is so ne'll So, Lube Skystalker,

The freezing
in the other bearound| f you've come here in
process has don’t think
so! He looks container... for “Star a stupid attempt to
taken place!
Did Ham Yoyo and he DID Wars VI"" save your friends!
like Creamed
Spinach! survive! atleast! Well, your destiny
survive?
 Get ANGRY at you? Okay, Lube! Ihave That's it! You're get- In that case, I push you
Whatever for? | You asked for 1 more good ing angry! | AM your off this planet... and
don't GET angry! it! Now let’s APPLAUD news! | Father! What are you into the void of space!!
Besides, | put on see you get you! am your going to do about it!?
one of those extra angry! I've Only Father!! You're certainly
dry deodorants this cut off one it's not I'm NOT going to send MEAN enough to f
morning! I’m calm of your hands! going to you a Father's Day
and cool and | have What do you card, if that’s what
no underarm you're hinting at!
wetness!

We escaped from Turn this ship His LEG?! Zader DID cut Well, Lube, we've given Hmmmmmmt
Bedpan, but we've around... and | thought off his hand! you a new arm and a new I'm not so
got to go back! give me $47.00 Zader cut | broke off his leg! You've got nothing sure about
Lube just sent for the Thought off his leg when |pul- to complain about now!
mea “THOUGHT Operator! Lube HAND!! led him aboard
MESSAGE"! He's was thinking the Falcon!
in big trouble!! “Collect”!

There goes Landough and | KNOW! |said

Chewbacco in the Falcon!
I thought we shouldtry @ ship with Ham and the
to find HamYoyo, and |
ordered them to set a
course of N-30°—W-17°!
But, Princess .. . the f we should try to AND SO ENDS EPISODE V OF “STAR BORES”! °
find Ham Yoyo! S TOK Ie Ax
Bounty Hunters was | DIDN'T SAY
last seen going in the we were in any
site direction! . WHEN LANDOUGH AND CHEWBACCO FIND THE
*.@ FROZEN HAM YOYO, WILL HE CONTINUE TO
GIVE PRINCESS LAIDUP THE COLD SHOULDER?
KKKKKK
WILL CREEPIO KEEP BABBLING ON ENDLESSLY,
AND FINALLY BE ELECTED TO PUBLIC OFFICE?
FO kk ae
WILL DART ZADER STOP BEING “MR. NICE GUY,”
AND REALLY TRY TO DESTROY LUBE SKYSTALKER?
FI ah
: , WILL ANY OF US REALLY CARE WHAT HAPPENS,
AFTER ANOTHER TWO-YEAR INTERMISSION... 22°
THE GREED OF TIME BEARS BIDDER FRUIT DEPT.

arame LEGENDARY CELEB

TAKING OUR CUE FROM THE RECENT RASH OF PUBLIC SALES OF PERSONAL ITEMS OF SUCH

VINCENT VAN GOGH’S EARMUFF FU MANCHU’S INTERCOM

DRACULA'S PACIFIER
 [TIESPERSONAL ITEMS
CELEBRITIES AS JOAN CRAWFORD, JUDY GARLAND AND ELVIS PRESLEY, WE NOW PRESENT:

ARTIST & WRITER: PAUL PETER PORGES

CASANOVA'S SWEETHEART LOCKET

HOWARD HUGHES'S PIGGY BANK

GENERAL PATTON'S MATCHING

PEARL-HANDLED TENT PEGS
QUASIMODO’S BACKPACK GEN. CUSTER’S LAST CAMPAIGN HAT

MICHELANGELO'S PAINTING TOOL

(WITH PATENTED DRIPGUARD)
 THE DOUBLE
BEFORE
AND LAUGHTER DEPT.

A MAD
GUIDE
TO...
When you're a kid, and you insist on When you're older, and you insist on When you're 18, and you chase every
having ‘things done your way, you're. ings done your way, you're... girl in’ sight, you're a man...

A SPOILED BRAT A PERFECTIONIST SOWING HIS WILD OATS

When' you're in school, and you only do When you're working, and you only do When you're young, and you're always
well in some subjects and the rest you well in certain areas, while the rest criticizing people and pointing out
just aren't interested in, you're... you just aren't interested in, you're... their faults, everyone says you're...

AN UNDER-ACHIEVER A SMART-ALEC

When you're young, and dress and act When you're older, and dress and act When you're young, and you make a
like everyone else your age, you're like everyone else your age, you're... couple of dumb mistakes, you're .

ota

‘e “ONEOFTHECROWD ‘A CONFORMIST IRRESPONSIBLE

 STANDARDS OF AGE
When you're 65, and you still chase
very girl in sight, you're just...
When you're older, and you're always
criticizing people and ‘pointing out
their faults, everyone says you're...
TELLING IT LIKE IT IS
When you're older, and you make a
couple of dumb mistakes, you're...
JUST BEING HUMAN
ARTIST: BOB JONES
When you're young, and you speak up
and demand your rights, you're...
we
A PUSHY LITTLE KID
When you're a high school student and
you like to read comic books, and you
love to watch trashy movies, you're . . .
A TASTELESS ILLITERATE
When you're young, and you lie, cheat
and steal, your parents brand you as
WRITER: BARRY LIEBMANN
When you're older, and you speak up
and demand your rights, you're...
A SELF-ASSERTIVE PERSON
When you're a grown-up, and you still
like to read comic books and you still
love to watch trashy movies, you're . . .
is
Hi
A NOSTALGIA BU!
When you're older, and you still lie,
cheat and steal, you're known as
ad SES
AN AGGRESSIVE BUSINESSMAN
 ee LAV2
POWER TO THE PUPIL DEPT. oR 4
A while back (in MAD #198, we reprinted the secret catalogue
used by Boards of
Education throughout the country to order all those cheap, junky
classroom sup-
plies that are notorious for making school officials rich while
they make stu-
dents retch. Well, MAD soon received piles of angry letters from
school kids,
all contending that students should have their own catalogue of
sneaky supplies
in order to survive the daily battle with insensitive teachers and
brutal class-
mates. What the letter writers obviously didn’t know is that such
a catalogue
already exists. It's put out by a few small, underground dealers who
are dedi-
cated to making life tolerable for kids while they're making a
fast buck for
themselves. So, as a service to those who want to be thoroughly equip
ped for the
rigors of modern school life, we at MAD now reprint the latest edition of the.
. .

-\fs MALGAMA TED aS: S464S.

SYSTEMATICALLY SERVING SLY
S T SNEAKY STUDENTS WITH SPECIALLY
STYLED, SENSATIONALLY SNAZZY

|S UPPLY CO. ‘S uN

_ MAIL ORDER CATALOG 1980-1981 SCH 00 LYEAR

CBD,
P ite

aj A
SG) portage

a
as
ores:

Cae
ENROLLED PUPILS ONLY!
FOR CURRENTLY NO ORDERS. EPTED FROM SUCH NO! IN-STUDENT
AERC bS AS DROPOUTS, TEACHERS OR OTHER UNDESIRABLES!

ARTIST: BOB CLARKE WRITER: TOM KOCH _IDEA BY: DIANE RICCOBENE 19)
HIDE YOUR SCRAWNY BODY FROM PRYING EYES.
by changing for gym class in new Locker -Plus™
Complete small private room attaches to regular
locker with suction cups to conceal you from jeering
classmates as you disrobe, Fold-away ngsteelby unit
any
weighs less than 40 Ibs. for easy carryi
normal teen-ager less puny than yourself.
31551—"LOCKER-PLUS” PORTABLE DRESSING
ROOM .. $79.50.

MOVING TOANEWTO SOOWNN? Then

be sure you have a phony letter sweater
to convince new classmates andat
teachers that you were a star athlete
your former school. Make new friends!
Make new girls! Make new teachers
fearful of flunking you! (Available with
“Q" or "X” only to minimize danger of
conflicting with real school letters.)
49929—AUTHENTIC ACRYLIRSC
SYNTHETIC ATHLETIC SWEATE
$16.50

INSTANT DISEASE KIT lets you escape

from surprise quizzes by quickly dis-
playing symptoms of a major conta-
gious illness. Kit contains large supply
of self-sticking measles blotches, grey
under-eye circles, inner cheek mumps
padding and even ghastly draining
sores of the Black Death, All are easily
removable once you're excused and
sent home.
22105—"SICK-IN-A-FLASH" DIS-
EASEKIT $8.98

OFFICIAL LOOKING “TAXPAYER'S

OFFSPRING" PARKING STICKER pro-
vides you with new convenience while
reminding pampered faculty members
of just who pays their salary. Decal fits
any car, moped or bike to assure you of
easy parking on wintry days, while
forcing those teachers you hatetowade
through icky slush.
16738—OFFICIAL LOOKING UNOF-
FICIALPERMIT .........5. $1.19
 | STOP WASTING TIME IN WOOD SHOP MAKING
DUMB BOOK-ENDS! Terrific new do-it-yourwith self guide
simple
shows how to construct high profit itemsionsforfashi
tools, Complete step-by-step instruct, maple false- on-
ing mahogany counterfeit money platesw Jimmieand s
bottom suitcases, burled walnut windo
other lovely, salable handicrafts. &
49007 —GUIDE TO PROFITABLE WOODWORKING $8.50
CHISELING

POWERFUL BATTERY OPERATED

BULLHORN lets you attract attention
fast on the rare occasions when you can
answer a teacher's question. Ends risk
of throwing young shoulders outofjoint
with wild arm waving to gain recogni-
tion. Let this electronic wonder show
you how more vocal power can mean
more passing grades in the semesters
ahead
71146—LITTLE LOUDMOUTH
BULLHORN ..........-- $36.95

WHY GET UP AT DAWN juist so you can

spend hours being transported to an
integrated school? Amazing “Bus-No-
More” Skin Toner lets you appear tothe
proper race to sleep late and attend
school in your own neighborhood. In-
delible coloring won't wash off even on
rainiest days:
33795—BEAUTIFUL BLACK SKIN
TONER $5.95
33796—MACHO LATINO SKIN
TONER 5.9)
33797—LI

SICKENING “ESSENCE OF BURNT

CABBAGE” INCENSE causes crowds to
clearout fast whenever astickis lighted
in the school cafeteria. Ends tedious
waiting for those who always wind up
last in the lunch line. Watch others flee
as they assume that cafeteria cooks
have botched up another main dish
72787—"NAUSEA AT NOON”
BRANDCEREMONIAL INCENSE
$3.95 BOX

FLESH COLORED THERMAL LONG JOHNS
keep youwarm in drafty, unheated school gyms
when worn under even the scantiest Phys. Ed.
uniforms. Lifelike texture fools keen-eyed,
sadistic teachers, who will merely think that
your skin has grown loose and porous. Specify
flesh color desired: Pale, Ruddy or Afro-
American.
89026 —""HOT-TO-TROT" BRAND THERMAL
GYMSKIN: Sicnaie ianrewa
ieaegis$9.95
AMAZING CRIB NOTE SHIRT appears at first
glance to be covered with a harmless printed
pattern. In fact, design contains answers to
over 1000 frequently asked exam questions.
Available in small, medium and large. Also
available in History, Math and English. Make
the Honor Roll by reading your own clothing!
2927—SHORT-SLEEVE SHIRT FOR INTRO-
DUCTORYCOURSES..... +++.
2928—LONG-SLEEVE SHIRT FOR$8.9 AD-
5 possibly spell if you wrote your own fake notes.
VANCEDCOURSES .. $12.95
=i
LOUD, EMBARRASSING BURGLAR ALARM
lets you gain revenge against snoopy teachers
who insist on searching your locker for porno
books, cheap wine or other contraband items.
Battery operated unit screams recorded pro-
test at the slightest touch to make faculty
members think twice before invading your
privacy again.
32995—“SCREAMING SENTRY” BURGLAR
BEAR oe siyasated See ata ++» $89.50
PROFESSIONALLY WRITTEN ABSENCE EX-
CUSE NOTES are signed by famous doctors,
clergymen and parole officers to gain quick
acceptance from school officials. Package of
50 authentic looking excuses will let you ditch
almost one full year of classes. Guaranteed to
contain many impressive words you couldn't
39970—“WELL, EX-CUSE ME!” BRAND AB-
SENCENOTES .. $2.95 PKG.
 NO NEED TO STRAIN YOUR ARM when you're
already straining your bladder as you signa,
helplessly for permission to leave the room.
Sturdy metal based elbow grip is designed to
hold arm in raised position for lengthy periods
while you await recognition from long-winded
(or short-sighted) teachers.
44518—“PROP ‘N’ PLEAD” BRAND ARM
RAISER .... Bae ++ $7.49
NOTHING BEATS SOLID STEEL HEEL
PLATES for creating hallway clatter that's
guaranteed to drown out the whiny yammering
of Corridor Monitors. For maximum effective-
Ness, get together with 71 of your two-legged
friends and orderagross.
44879—“IRON MAIDEN" BRAND HEEL
PLATES. than . $2.79 DOZEN
PHONY DISMISSAL BELL fits snugly inside
desk, just waiting to end dull classes at the
pre-set time you select. Amazing device is no
larger than a joy buzzer, but contains wind-up
mechanism and miniature clock to trigger
authentic sounding class bell. Great for keep-
ing ultra-boring lectures within tolerable
limits, orfetting you getan early startfor lunch,
57623—EARLYBIRD DISMISSAL BELL
4.
HAIR-COVERED MINIATURE RADIO lets you
enjoy your favorite programs as you appear to
be listenintog class lecture. Transistorized AM
unit fits tightly in ear, and is cleverly cam-
ouflaged with your choice of blonde, brunette
or auburn spaniel fur that lookfora
s ll the world
like human hair.
$16.95
AN-
TENNA FOR PHONY HAIRRADIO ... $3.95
 STURDY LOCK-LATCH LIFT SEAT hers saves you
ETERIA from flunking afterinsensitive teac assign
FOLD-AWAY PLEXIGLASSxing CAF lunch hours you a rear desk where you can' t see the
SHIELD lets you enjoy rela re of rowdy es. Portable
blackboard over bigger classmatcipl
without being caught in crosl s-fi se” dining unit works on bumper jack prin s ine torelarais e
food fights and other “Animaand Hou hing neat you above even the hugest hulkontour™ seat tive
hall activities. Keeps hairoywatchiclot
ng cafeteria Safety. Equipped with Comfort-C
whileyou lookout and enj to fit small fannies.
moni or
tgoth
dra away forharsh discipline.
erss OOL-
78031—GARBAGE-PR02 OOF PROTECTIVE 90051—“BOTTOMS-UP" BRANDvee SCH + $23.99
PARTITION ...... e0 ee
rer e es$19.50 ROOM SEAT . . .

PARENTS QUICKLY OVERLOOK POOR note RE-

PORT CARD GRADES when a simuslipp lated
of praise from Teacher is cleverly ed into
the same envelope by you. We offera variin ety of
authentic looking notes, all produced hers that
impresses neat, prissy handwrthat itin genugine teac
TRICK LOOSE LEAF NOTEBOOK pack ed with love to use. Order several styles. You'll be
teachers by appearing to benotesjam
. Actually, it
your studiously written a secret cam-
pleased.
Contains only three pages plus blegum, Pent-
48979—“YOUR CHILD SHOWS INTEREST”
. 98¢ EA.
ouflaged drawer for holding rbubvital , forbidden
JOTE ..
house Magazine and othe
school needs.
81244—CONTRABAND CON CEALER NOTE-
BOOK gissen)nieceisina'siti ln os$3.69
sivsne
MAKE BIG MONEY BETWEEN CLASSEfrom S ped- FAKE PAY TOILET COIN BOX lets you slyly
dling candy, gum and soft drinks traband the l
hidden storage pockets of this “Con ionably reserve your own private booth in theminuschoo
tes,
Coat.” Ankle-length garment was fash rest room. Device attaches in mere ster with its
designed by a big name Paris shoplifter . Has but keeps other kids away all seme umably
ensingof
62 roomy inside pockets for easy dispteach realistic notice of cash depositwaypres
to let you
wares. Never arouses suspicion of ers, required. Provides a foolproof
e
smoke or do your own thing in peacPAY
who merely assume you're a flasher. 22997—“TOIDY TOLL” FAKE TONET
21257—HANDY DANDY CANDY COAT eee
eeet 2.98
$57.98 OUTFIT ... 6. eee erec

1,000
UNIMPORTANT
FACTS THAT
TEACHERS
LOVE MOST

ACADEMIC TRIVIA BOOK helps you memo rize

all those minor facts that mistakenlyan caus e
REMOTE CONTROL FIRE DRILL SIREN AC-at teachers to think you have mastered of entir e
TIVATOR enables you to empty classrooms
device subject. Contains complete poets lists early
any time of your choosing. Electronic aluse French kings, minor Latvian , seldom
sets offallalarmswithin 500feet.Idefor for
time
during exams when you desperately needbrain used chemical elements and much tomore
away from your desk to confer with y use in recitations and exam papers guaran-
friends tee straight A's.
11702—"“FALSE ALARM" BRAND FIRE 95 SI- 85730—USEFUL BOOK OF USELESSFA11.CTS
RENACTIVATOR ......++000+++ $29.
DON MARTIN DEPT. PART II

ONE AFTERNOON IN THE SOUTH SEAS

Nothing to see here!

Please skip ahead.

 PEST CONTROL DEPT.
room in a library,
Since a complete set of Criminal Law boo ks would fill one whole by other people
done to us
it’s hard to believe that most of the outra, geous things
l. Obvio usly, these statut es need a complete over-
have not as yet been ruled illega

| EVERYDAY CRIMES THF

at

ARTIST: HARRY NORTH, ESQ.

=
Malicious Shpritzing
iF,

lawn
goer who has seen a The high crime committed by clods who deliberately install their
A serious infraction chargeable against any movie sprinklers in such a way that no pedestrian can pass their house
with-
picture before and insists on reveali ng the suspens eful details in a of
crime shall be punish- out suffering drenched feet and ankles. A first offender convicted
loud voice that you can't help overhearing. This this crime shall be required to stand at attention in his front yard
for an entire Nel-
ed by chaining the perpetrator to his theater seat through one entire cloudburst. For.the two-time loser, the punishment
Film Festival . . . after which, he must re- .
son Eddy—Jeanette MacDon ald
of each picture in detail. shall be increased to total permanent drowning by means of hurricane
main awake long enough to describe the plot

Forced Nuzzling With Accompanying Bad Breath

Compound Check-Out Counter Stalling
2 RP, [FLIGHT. \~

on a Super-
rights and the This felony is chargeable against any person ahead of you
‘A form of unacceptable behavior that violates the civil market check-out line who engages in the following indecent
acts: (1)
of distant
nasal passages of defenseless minors with unwanted hugging Arguing with the checker over each blurred price marking; (2) campar-
for aunts with large to
ing register tapes against all items purchased; or (3) attempting
relatives , Harshest punishm ent shall be reserved
children
hosoms and cheap dentures who have the potential to suffocate shall cash a check without presenting any form of identification.
All those
as well as nauseate them. In such cases, the convicted criminal nate ajudged guilty of said crimes shall be required to spend the rest of
an affectio
be imprisoned up to one full year—in a zoo cage with their natural lives pushing shopping carts with broken,
stuck wheels,
bear who always eats raw fish and never brushes after every meal.
24 polar
haul to provide punishment for the hordes of self-centered idiots who threaten our es a)=
Real LP
safety and sanity. MAD is already lobbying for such legislation, and it’s only a
matter of time before we'll be able to call the Police to arrest clods who commit:

T SHOULD BE PUNISHED
WRITER: TOM KOCH

Gross Negligence Of Civil Foot Wiping Impatient Honking In

oS -

A disgusting act that makes any slob liable to arrest when apprehended
clomping across the victim's pastel carpet while wearing unwiped shoes
tainted with axle grease, doggy-doo, chewing gum and/or squashed gar-
bage. The convicted tracker-inner shall be required to atone for his
slovenly actions by impersonating a throw rug and covering the stain
with his body until Rug Cleaners can be called in to undo the damage.
Chargeable against the creep in the car behind you who feels he must
display his superior reflexes, the instant a traffic light turns green,
by pressing his horn button faster than you can depress your acceler.
ator pedal. Any perpetrator of this atrocity shall be mercilessly made
to endure a lifetime of being awakened each morning by an alarm clock
whose bell has been replaced with an ear-splitting diesel truck horn,

Felonious Throat Hawking Cruel And Inhuman Pants Manufacturing

;
oe wae

Dy = Ce

This abominable infraction is also known as snorting, glonking, deep

snuffling, bronchial rattling and early morning phlegm raising, It is
most often committed by elderly school teachers who thoughtlessly try
to dispel their mucous as they simultaneously disgust their students,
In order to stamp out this nauseating crime in our lifetime, convicted
throat hawkers shall henceforth be led to a public place and forced to
eat luke warm raw oysters while standing barefoot in a bucket of worms,
The crime committed by unscrupulous clothing manufacturers who elimin-
ate several square feet of necessary material from every pair of pants
they make. In promoting this torturous style, said manufacturers are
deemed responsible for the epidemic of Groin Cramp and Crotch Agony
that have seized the male population, Guilty individuals apprehended
and convicted shall be forced to serve long terms in solitary confine-
ment wearing jockey shorts originally designed for Herve Villechaize.
 Premature Elevator Button Pushing
the
The inhuman offense perpetrated by cretins who rush ahead to board
elevator you've been waiting for, and then immediately punch a button
such
that causes the door to close before you can get on, A victim of
barbarous behavior shall be allowed to retaliate by throwing the main
is driv-
switch, thereby trapping the wrongdoer between floors until he
Muzak.
en stark staring mad by either claustrophobia, or that sickening
Illegal Grope And Seizure
This form of sneaky activity is made indictable to protect members of
the feminine gender who prefer not to be groped or seized while attend-
ing such events as football games, parades and rush hour bus boardings.
groping
Members of the masculine gender judged guilty of premeditated
shall be dunked, seat first, into a lobster tank, and required to suf-
fer the pain and humiliation of having their posteriors pinched for a
term of not more than three hours, nor less than one hour per offense.
Petty Parking Sp:ace Grabbing
a
A loathsome crime committed by idiots who swerve around their victims
empty
in public parking lots for the purpose of glomming onto the last
it
spot. Although Petty Parking Space Grabbing is only a misdemeanor,
two spots
quickly becomes Felonious Grand Parking Space Grabbing when
are empty and the accused thoughtlessly straddles the line to occupy
and gag-
both of them, In such cases, the guilty party shall be bound
where
ged and rolled into the main aisle of public parking facility,
.
he will be at the mercy of enraged little old ladies driving Ramblers
of alcohol
The act of operating a telephone while under the influence
is a felony when committe d betwee! inight and dawn by those who dial
the numbers of innocent strangers in a fumbling attempt to reach old
army buddies, long lost girlfriends, etc. Persons convicted
shall be
forced to spend 90 days answering irate phone calls that
come into the
complaint department of a notoriously shoddy Television Repair Service.
Bureaucratic Behavior With Pompous Intent
a) S09. OVERS Be |
This violation of the Criminal Code is committed by Postal Clerks who
invariably feel compelled to drag out a big volume of government regu-
lations to find some new reason for rejecting every package presented
for mailing. Public servants who display this form of arrogance shall
he painfully incarcerated in a corner collection box until the next
mail pick-up, which is usually scheduled to occur late that afternoon
but often fails to take place until some time the following Wednesday.
committed
This is the legal term used to describe that unspeakable act
while
hy chowderheads who thoughtlessly rev their motorcycle engines
parked in residential neighborhoods. in most instances, guilty parties
shall be dealt with on the spot by having their handlebars
wrapped
around their necks. However, in serious cases where vrooooming occurs
victim shall
before ten o'clock on Sunday morning, the rudely awakened
n
be entitled to strike the vroooomer over the head with his 32-sectio
Sunday paper until major skull fracture has been righteously inflicted.
nett SNAPPY ANSWERS
PUT YOUR FUNNY WHERE YOUR MOUTH IS! DEPT.

TO STUPID QUESTIONS
Gangland Episode
No, some of his boys are Za
underweight... and we're i |
fattening 'em up with lead! [BIG LOU LEAS PL

No, | took a course in re we No, we're making a

Interior Decorating .. . % it little bonfire... so
and I'm rearranging “ \ he and his boys can
the furnishings! . \ place to the ||sit around and toast
marshmallows!
 No, we're going to GROW WINGS
No, we're practicing the Are we going to make o
Hundred Yard Dash for in
getaway in that car and FLY away to safety!
the 1984 Mafia Olympics!

pr

SP Tor & I pee

MAD President | <° Zx¥
 JEST IN TIME DEPT.
There’s a new book on sale these days called “Life Spans” which lists the average
length of life for people, animals, foods and other basic, standard things. Like
for instance, the Life Span of an American man is 67.6 years, a walrus... 40 years,
an ostrich . . . 25 years, and an octopus . . . 10 years. Now, all these facts may help
you win money on a quiz show, but they’re not much help in social situations, fam-
ily life and other areas of day-to-day living. Therefore MAD now presents its own

REALLY IMPORTANT
AND RELEVANT
* LIFE SPANS
THE LIFE SPAN OF AN THE LIFE SPAN OF A PRO THE LIFE SPAN OF A
EMBARRASSING PIMPLE FOOTBALL QUARTERBACK NEW AIR CONDITIONER
Is Is

: +. unless you've got several heavy
dates and social functions planned,
in which case it’s always 13 days.
. .. depending on what shape his knees
are in. (The Life Span of a Pro Foot-
— ~
ball Quarterback’s knees is 11 games). - . after the 90-Day Warranty Period.

THE LIFE SPAN OF A POLITICAL THE LIFE SPAN OF A MASS THE LIFE SPAN OF A STEREO SET
PROMISE BEFORE YOU REALIZE OF FRESH, CLEAN AIR OVER WITH NEW, BUILT-IN FEATURES BE-
THE GUY WHO MADE IT HAS NO A LARGE AMERICAN CITY FORE YOU COME ACROSS ONE WITH
INTENTION OF CARRYING IT OUT Is EVEN NEWER, BUILT-IN FEATURES
is 3 SECOND Is
100 DAYS y A fas 7 WEEKS

ARTIST: PAUL COKER WRITER: FRANK JACOBS

 THE LIFE SPAN OF AN HONEST, RELIABLE, THE LIFE SPAN OF A SOUTH
THE LIFE SPAN OF A AMERICAN DICTATORSHIP
MAFIA STOOL PIGEON EFFICIENT, SMALL MANUFACTURER BEFORE
Is
Is HE'S ABSORBED BY A DISHONEST, UNRELI-
OVER AS ABLE, INEFFICIENT GIANT CONGLOMERATE 54 DAYS
Is
OF NOW
2 YEARS, 1 MONTH

a ©,
The Life Span of the Free Democratic
Regime that replaces it is 54 days.
And the Life Span of the Military
Junta that replaces it is 54 days.

THE LIFE SPAN OF $100 AT“ THE LIFE SPAN OF

THE LIFE SPAN
A LAS VEGAS CRAP TABLE A WEEKLY SALARY
OF AN UMBRELLA
IS Is
Is
176 DAYS 9 MINUTES 4 HOURS

However, the Life Span of its Posses-

And the Life Span of a Weekly Salary
ion by You is 9 hours, figured from supplemented with a “Cost Of Living
the moment you purchase it until the Increase” is 4 hours and 5 minutes.
time you stupidly leave it somewhere.

THE LIFE SPAN OF AN THE LIFE SPAN OF A MARRIAGE THE LIFE SPAN OF AN OPEN CAN
OBSCENE PHONE CALL OF TWO POPULAR FILM STARS OF BEER BEFORE IT GOES FLAT
Is Is Is
17 MINUTES

i
9 HEAVY
BREATHS

Ze
nker before
The Life Span of the Publicity about their
Marriage Breaking Up is 2 years, 4 months. he Falls Flat is 2 hours, 15 minutes.
 THE LIFE SPAN OF A NEW POPULAR THE LIFE SPAN OF THE LIFE SPAN OF THE GOOD
CAUSE, SUCH AS “LEGALIZE WITCH- A CHRISTMAS TOY BEHAVIOR OF A MUGGER WHO'S
CRAFT” OR “FREE THE ANAHEIM 7” Is PAROLED FROM PRISON WITH
Is 2 HOURS TIME OFF FOR GOOD BEHAVIOR
5 MONTHS is
\ 6 DAYS
< UCLEM
= BERae&F
1M

. .. plus the time it takes

you to put in the batteries.

THE LIFE SPAN OF AN OUT- THE LIFE SPAN OF THE SPECIFIC THE LIFE SPAN OF A
DOOR SCULPTURE BEFORE IT BULGE YOU'RE TRYING TO ELIMI- PAINFUL TOOTHACHE
IS SMEARED WITH GRAFITTI NATE THROUGH EXERCISE OR DIET Is
Is Is
FOREVER

. - » beginning at 5 P.M., Saturday and

lasting until 10 A.M., Monday, which is
the earliest your Dentist can see you.

THE LIFE SPAN OF YOUR LUST THE LIFE SPAN OF A THE LIFE SPAN OF A
FOR A GIRL YOU'VE DECIDED PUBLIC PHONE BEFORE TYPICAL ROCK BALLAD
YOU WANT TO MAKE OUT WITH IT’S OUT OF ORDER

The Life Span of the Group that Recorded it

The Life Span of your Interest in her is 3 weeks, or when the drummer gets busted
after she Finally Agrees is 12 days. for drug possession, whichever comes first.
SCHOOL
The Statue of Liberty is the At its base are written some 1po!1 po! || Yes, Bernard? | | “NEW JERSEY SUCKS!”
largest cast metal sculpture very famous words! Does any- \was there! | | Tell the class
ever made! It was a gift from one know what they say... .? | read it! what it says!
France in 1884! It stands on ,
Bedloe's Island in New York
Harbor, and was a symbol of
hope and freedom for millions!

HEI
BERG’S-EYE VIEW DEPT.

TRAVEL
We're going on this vacation to That's {So WHY are we taking it all WITH us!?! }
GET AWAY from it all, right?!? right .. .!!
DIVORCE
Well, I'm finally rid of that
bum Husband of mine! We are
finished . . over with... kaput
. » Splitsville... DIVORCED!
R SIDE
SPORTS
YOu STUMBLE BUM! THAT
WAS AN EASY CATCH YOU
YOU CLOWN! YOU COULDN'T
MISSED! DO YOURSELF A
FAVOR! TAKE LESSONS!!
But .. .| must admit that there Ahh! When you | [ No...
ARE times when |truly MISS. need a shoulder not
having the guy around! Especial- toleanon...? || exactly!
ly when something goes wrong!
Or aa
HIT THE SIDE OF A BARN!
KLUTZ! MY SIX-YEAR-OLD
NEPHEW IN LITTLE LEAGUE
Tove Baseball)
GO BACK TO THEMINORS!!
PITCHES BETTER THAN YOU!
 MARRIAGE
Your shoes are under the bed ‘and your breakfast is
Gee! | oversiept! it’s not You'll find your underwear . your tie and your suit down at the corner Diner!!
and socks in the right hand
I'll be late for necessary!
drawer . and a clean shirt are hanging in the closet. ..
work! Honey, you ||Everything in the left hand drawer...
better get up is taken
fl and help me....!! || care oft!

OLD AGE WEDDINGS

I've made such delicious plans for a June Wedding,
I’ve got such That's but my boyfriend keeps postponing things!
a pain in my just
left shoulder! OLD AGE!

‘And as a reward for eating

Look at you! You're all skin such good food, I’m going to
and bones! That's from eating |
} let you listen to your Rock
JUNK FOOD!! For once, you're music on your earphone radio!
MEDICINE
Fried foods, bread, processed SEE, Fatso?! Don't go jumping According to this “TV Guide,”
sugar and starchy foods like I TOLD yout! Johnny Carson is going to ..and I'd like a
pizza pies and cakes are all
to conclusions!
interview Dr. James Finster SECOND OPINION!
fattening and unhealthy . . . on the very same subject...

CONVENTIONS
Like the PROPOSAL! Please fill in your names and
paste them on your clothes ...

But, Dad!! WHY Bah! How many You want something SOLID. . .
do | have to go people make something SECURE! Stick with
into the Family itin Show ME and you'll be guaranteed a
Business?! I'd Biz?! Hardly GREAT FUTURE! Remember. . .
LIKE to try any! The rest
SHOW BiZ!! STARVE!
PHONE CALLS
So | said to Are you still Listen, Selma . G'bye, Selma! | REALLY have to RUN!
her, “You've |_|on that phone?! Vean't talk any
got a nerve, more! | gotta run!
after all—""

CHILDREN
Hi, there, little fella! Oh, my gosh! He WET me!! | Wal THAT's not MY little boy!
Is your little boy Oh,
thought you said your little
toilet-trained . . 2 yes! Come... sit on my lap!
boy was TOILET-TRAINED! ist

BOOZING
My landlord "ve never This goes on It's called “The Happy Hour”!
My Wife My Doctor Ilost heard so many at most bars
divorced ||says | have my job raised my
tales of woe! every evening
me and a disease and I'm rent and |
can’t come What IS this, between 5:00
took me they don’t ina hole anyway .. .217 and 7:00. ..!
for all even have for back up with any
a name for! more money!
 DOES A BEAR SPIT IN THE WOODS? DEPT.

NEXT TIME THE OPPORTUNITY ARISES, SURPRISE YOUR FRIENDS WHO ASK IDIOTIC

{siti .
DoesTi imes
§ quare have ho
okers?

cial
ve only one Ke

9
puzzle” easy
Guide Crossword
Is the“TV
BVIOUS QUESTIONS WITH ONE OF THESE NEW, UPDATED MAD VERSIONS OF... .

CATHOLIC?” WRITER: ARNIE KOGEN

 MELTING THE POT DEPT.

When people want to burn calories to lose weight, they think about strenuous
activities like swimming or jogging or tennis. Somehow, they never consider

esi" BURNING CALOR

JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS EATING CROW SWEATING OUT A DOCTOR BILL

<S
225-350 Calories 110-175 Calories 350-475 Calories

CROSSING A STREET WATCHING THE BOSS'S CARRYING SUPERMARKET

_ AGAINST THE LIGHT BAGS OUT TO THE CAR

EY , ene

40 250-325 Calories 450-575 Calories 875-1025 Calories

the simple everyday activities that are already burning up plenty of calories.
We'llshow you just what we mean as your slightly overweight Editors present:

S WITHOUT EXERCISE
TAKING A FINAL EXAM COMMUTING
ARTIST & WRITER: DON EDWING

GETTING NAILED
4 \ ,

800-1000 Calories 675-800 Calories 75-150 Calories

LEAVING FOR WORK GETTING AN ENVELOPE WATCHING A PARKING LOT

FIVE MINUTES LATE FROM THE I.R.S. ATTENDANT DELIVER YOUR CAR

350-425 Calories 375-450 Calories

 WLAN
Neh ee
BL,

125-175 Calories 180-235 Calories 400-500 Calories

LISTENING TO THE NEWS BEING CALLED ON THE CARPET PUSHING YOUR LUCK
Sey UU YU

| o re
50-85 Calories 950-1400 Calories 1100-1200 Calories

DUCKING CONFERENCES MERGING ONTO A HIGHWAY GETTING UP IN THE MORNING

Dg:

150-225 Calories 375-450 Calories 200-275 Calories

 AUTOPSY-TURVY DEPT.
There have been TV shows about some pretty dull professions: School Teachers, Bar

CeZzy
Tenders, Auto Mechanics, Brewery Workers, Junk Dealers, etc. Mostly, these shows
were just boring, and put you to sleep! But there's one long-running series about
a real far-out profession: a Medical Examiner (which is fancy for Coroner!). This
program has a different effect on us. Mainly, every time we watch it, we feel...

S
Ladies and Gentlemen, LI” A violent biow delivered ! (ii need some bowel samples... . and several digestive tract
you ate about to enter to the neck, severing the specimens to complete my tests, but that can wait! Right now,
the fascinating world spinal column and jugular I'm sure that everybody is STARVING . . . solet's digin...
J] |_of FORENSIC EATING!! vein . . . causing massive
IE bleeding and the loss of Forget This is the Atleast Queezy ...
\ | have here the corpse its head! There is also itl! last time | he coulda | | when you
I\ of a male Tom Turkey— evidence of some severe ‘just ||everycometo | |COOKED set the
¢| age, 2 years—weight, 35 contusions of the skin, lost Queezy’s for the bird table, you
ee pounds—height, 3 feet! resulting in the violent my ap-| |Thanksgiving || before he forgot
yo] Apparent cause of death: removal of its feathers! petite! Dinner! carved it! ||something! ARTIST:
ANGELO
TORRE
WRITER:
SILVERSTO
LOU

/
 Alas, poor This is the only way | can keep | took an THESE people Y'know . . . Too bad we We had to make
Yorick... my sanity! I've been working for OATH not [iM are all DEAD! this poor had to close some Budget
L knew him! thirty-two straight hours . .I'm to go to guy would the Emergency | |cuts somewhere
two days late for my Saturday the JOHN?! figAnd you're still be Room down! to pay for all
Queezy, we night date... and | haven't had alive if <= | the overtime
don't have time to go to the John all day!! You took he'd gotten Why'd we do you guys are
time for z an oath indi emergency a STUPID putting in
horsing Nobody said being a Doctor was to HELP treatment THING like here at the
itfeaeasy! Do you remember your oath? PEOPLE! in time! that... 2! Morgue!!
WE
WWE Ne

2 LiL ri
How come - Aspi Itgoes ‘ Hand me my C'mon! What I guess now What about your
you got : with the binoculars! would I that you've |[Certainly not! We ||FRIENDS there?!
the day playing hooky! territory! I want to want with found those can still go over
off? What / look for survivors?! two CORPSES, || to your place and | |Oh, we can put
And look at bodies ...! I'm nota our date is sit around the (J them into your
A happened? LOOK, Queezy!
r~7| ==
Did Death || I'veseen gulls ||that Boat! | | paramedic! over, huh, fire and havea [7]FREEZER! They
| takea follow boats— U There’sno- U You mean Ima Queezy...? §|few drinks and ...| |won’t mind a bit!
— holiday i but BUZZARDS!? [] one onit!! [] *| CORONER!

No, but | WILL! I’ve heard of _| [Women! Who Well... you ‘Come back! I'm gonna turn you
bringing your work home with || can under- happen to be in! It's against the law to re-
you, but this is ridiculous! stand them? S'matter, Mac? Your HALF RIGHT fuse to tdke passengers because
friends there have a ft of race, creed, color or just
li'l toomuch? They i because they happen to be dead!
look DEAD DRUNK! —_—_—
Hmmm! | wonder if I'll have to
pay for these guys on the bus!
\
(( 4
 seer
Do you believe We all have those feel- Queez, Queez, you're testing
in reincarnation, || ings! Take those two ca- from Gee, whatever Lt. Moronohan's coffee!
Spam? | keep get-|] davers you brought in. . .! the happened to =
ting this strange i]They APPEAR to be drown- symptoms, good old- Ha-ha! That's a hot one
feeling that, in ing victims, but they've I'd fashioned There's no trace Uh—WAITA MINUTE! If
a previous life, REALLY been POISONED! say TV homicides of poison in the you're testing my coffee,
| was a Sports Now | KNOW I've lived i like shooting gastric juices! what am I drinking .. . 2!
Writer named Al! {/]through THAT plot before! and stabbing |}, All that shows up |) —<———. ————
7 aie Bd Botulism! and choking?! is cream & sugar! | YECCCHHHHHHI!!

Tmeant the Wow! That makes four cases already! (PEOPLE? |care about my BUDGET!
BOTULISM! | |We've got to find the common denom- An epidemic | |We can’t AFFORD another epidemic!
Swell! 'm [| They brought inator! These guys must have eaten would be Last week we had afirst outbreak
ahead... in two more in the same restaurant, or went to unthinkable! of Bubonic Plague in four hundred
cases today! the same john, or something! Thi: years! And the week before, we had
thing could spread like wildfire! See?!? You a Terminal Athlete's Foot epidem-
really care ic! Do you have any idea what our
about people! refrigeration bill is this month?!

This What's the big hurry? The | can’t go! We haven't done Mglphm! Gimg!| |WHAT? Alright, but
Let's go, ||guy’s not GOING anywhere! || our weekly Lunchtime bit— ——j only for two
Queezy!! |)————————————— | where I tell a joke, and you Sorry! | haven't fin- minutes! He's
They just This one's still alive, so give away the punchline! ished my lunch yet! in critical
brought in get moving! You haven't Ihave to talk to your condition
another got time for luxuries like Okay! Okay! One to hold the patient, Doctor! Maybe - +. and the
Botulism — eating! Ahh... bringmea 5 light bulb, and two to turn he can supply us with slightest
case...!| |menu, Bum! I'm STARVING! ||the ladder! Now GET GOING! information that will shock could
PEM F WERE save hundreds of lives! prove fatal!
 uy
Hi, thera! My Not exactly! I'm The Coroner! Cough! | know Tjust want to What's wrong with
name is Doctor from the Medical Ido all the there's a bed ask you some people? Why doesn't
Queezy, and— Examiner's Office! autopsies! | shortage, but questions about the public ever
I'm the CORONER! usually make couldn't you where you ate— COOPERATE with
‘Are you—gasp—}| my first in- at least wait us? Don't they know
a Specialist? W-W-WHAT?!? cision right untill... Forget it, Doc! we're only trying
about here— |? He’s expired! to save lives?!?

What clue?! | want to Maybe the vic- Ladies, Nahh! We didn’t even
‘| give you my daughter's tim’s Widow or Queez...1 were you know him! We just love
phone number! You're his relatives don't think related to go to FUNERALS...!
Did you hear that? This not much to look at. . . can tell us this is the to the
wonderful lady is going but unmarried DOCTORS where he ate! proper place! deceased? It's our HOBBY! /
to help us! She's going don't exactly grow on
to give us a CLUE... !! trees! You'll call her?

NY
AW}
yi

PGE jit NN PALS power SH iets

Ma'am, your Husband in- Certainly not! Sorry! Say, Oh, some odds |: Hey, be YAAHHHHI Gladys, this
gested some poison, and The thought since you're land ends we're careful! is the most
I'd like to know if he never even burying the fz) finished with! EXCITING
ate his meals at home? occurred to remains, you | His intestines, | funeral we've
me! Er... how might as well his liver, his NF] ever attended!
Are you accusing me of much was he put THIS in! fm 7
—sob—poisoning him? insured for? some other
yecchy stufff
 I've got good There must be How about Sorry, Bum... but Yeah, but
news, Queez! That's fantastic, | |THOUSANDS of ||shows with we have to check Why HERE? There THIS is.
l've narrowed P| Spam! Now all we || places! It's an realism or -| _out your place are thousands of where
the source of have to do is impossible job! || humoror for Botulism... ! OTHER joints! WE eat!
the poison check out all the good taste?
down to some- |,|places that serve In real life it
thing SWEET [jfcandy and goodies || would be! This Well...
all of the and we've got the is TV! Nothing EXCEPT
victims ate! thing whipped! is impossible! for that!
\ i

et

») i 1
set
am)
d
SS s

R My

Hi, I'm from the Medical Examiner's HELLP!

mel Other later! The Office! There have been five fatal I've been
So much for
restaurants +s. |] place is so cases of food poisoning! I'd like poisoned!
not starting
a panic!
get Sports ||chopped liver ||crowded, you to check your Mousse for Botulism!
figures and || and brains on || might start
Movie Stars! ||white bread?! a panic!

Look at the bright Look! A Snow Cone || Don’t ask!! All week Maybe | |Wait a minute! Wow! Talk about
my business side! We gave you a | Vendor! | haven't long, | only had five it's your your unlikely coincidences! |
is ruined! clean bill of health! had one of those customers! It’s those location know this is a long shot, but
since | was a kid! fast-food joints! Peo- —next to ||he had FIVE CUSTOMERS, and
ple don't appreciate the City | |we've got FIVE BODIES... and
iw feet How's business? ||fine quality any more! Dump! ||they all ate something sweet!
TO BE FREE OF z ew OY ‘NK \
BOTULISM! ues = NL)
EAT AND ENJOY! q—~ =
Dr. Queezy
Coroner
a
 a Look at it, Moronohan! vi Okay, but don’t sell any
I think
i make it It's absolutely filthy! need No samples! This is a more of that stuff! It
you might some cash business! | also might contain Botulism!
be ON to myself...
with that Whaddya expect for ten samples accept all major
something,
Queezy! water! cents... PERRIER?!? to check credit cards . . .or No=I only make it in
out... empty deposit bottles! orange, lemon or grape! |

n
I'm right Hey, what's the What's up?i? |~|Congratulate = Bum is su- the ...and the Snow
here! I'm on matter?! Haven't | Are you here |\| you?!? That's ing us for Widow is Cone Vendor is su-
you ever seen a to congratu- | |a hot one! We suing us ing us because you
LIVE BODY late me for [4 are up to our for mental ruined his business!
before... 2! breaking the |_| fat gluteus is suing us anguish It would have been
Botulism maximii in for losing and harass- CHEAPER if we'd
LAW SUITS! [Mf a patient... ment... had an EPIDEMIC!

3 UW
FORGET the Botulism! We've got an The Network— The TOP MAN himself Wow! Talk about your
even BIGGER catastrophe on our sent these wants to know WHY disasters! An entire
hands! Look at all these cadavers! they all died... TV season—wiped out!
x
Nothing to see here!

Please skip ahead.

 WHAT ISA HERE WE GO WITH ANOTHER RIDICULOUS
RIDICULOUSLY
EXPENSIVE MAD FOLD-IN
TRIP TODAY Almost all Travel Ads today seem to feature
THAT MOST “Bargain Trips”. However, there is still one
trip that remains as costly as ever. To find
OF US WOULD out what that trip is, fold in page as shown.
' RATHER AVOID? FOLD PAGE OVER LIKE THIS!
FOLD THIS SECTION OVER LEFT <B FOUPEA! SO “A” MEETS “B”

jaw"
WEL IN

fA
THOUGH BARGAIN TOURS ARE POPULAR, ONE EXPENSIVE
ARTIST& WRITER:
AL JAFFEE LUXURY TRIP IS STILL BEING TAKEN. EVEN THE LEAST
OPULENT OF THESE HAS TO COST YOU A SMALL FORTUNE!
A> <B
WHAT ISA
~ RIDICULOUSLY
|. EXPENSIVE
_ TRIP TODAY
THAT MOST
OF US WOULD
[ RATHER AVOID? FOLD PAGE OVER LIKE THIS!
Ap <B_ FOLD BACK SO “A” MEETS “B”

ARTIST& WRITER
AL JAFFEE
 SC EN ES WE'D
ANOTHER

LIKE TO SEE
Fwins
U ;
Ye

WA \
1 ANN

=
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