Good evening, grace and peace, welcome to The Table.

Series Intro
We are beginning a new series this week titled Lent: From Repentance to Renewal. I know the season of
Lent is not something familiar to everyone so here’s a little background. In the ancient church Easter was
traditionally a day where you would baptize new believers, people who had newly put their trust in Christ.
And since that was such a significant moment, it was normally preceded by 40 days of spiritual prepara-
tion, with a special focus on fasting and prayer. Why 40? I am so glad you asked, so 40 is a significant
number in the Bible. For example, the children of Israel after their Exodus from Egypt wandered for 40
years in the desert before entering the Promised Land. And Jesus, as you may recall, spent 40 days fasting
and praying in the desert where he ultimately encountered the famous temptations of worldly success and
power from the devil. So, this idea of 40 sort of took hold in the Christian imagination, and thus over time
the idea of Lent developed into a season of preparation — not just for new Christians — but for the entire
church. So in short, Lent is the season in the church calendar that leads up to Good Friday (the day of Je-
sus crucifixion) and Easter.

So, as you can probably tell from what I just named, Lent is about more than simply giving things up —
like chocolate or red wine or meat. It’s really about spiritual preparation and that preparation can happen
both by fasting something — letting go of things your flesh craves (like chocolate, meat, red wine, etc.)
— or by taking something up, by engaging a new spiritual discipline or practice. For example, maybe you
are someone who has never really prayed very consistently. If that’s the case, then perhaps your Lenten
practice would to pray the Lord’s Prayer from Matthew 6 every morning and evening in these days lead-
ing up to Good Friday. That would be a good positive thing to engage. So all that to say, Lent is less
about feeling bad, or counting all your sins, rather it is a season of spiritual training and preparation as we
move towards Easter. So if you haven’t already, I want to encourage you to be thinking today of what you
want to let go of (to fast) and/or what you want to take up, a new spiritual practice to engage, in this sea-
son of Lent.

Sermon Intro
Okay, with that in mind, the title of my message this first Sunday of Lent is From Self-Rejection to Self-
Compassion. Our primary text is going to be Psalm 25:1-10. And our very own ______ is going to read
our scripture this evening.

1 In you, Lord my God,

I put my trust.

2 I trust in you;
do not let me be put to shame,
nor let my enemies triumph over me.

3 No one who hopes in you

will ever be put to shame,
but shame will come on those
who are treacherous without cause.

4 Show me your ways, Lord,

teach me your paths.

5 Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long.
6 Remember, Lord, your great mercy and love, for they are from of old.

7 Do not remember the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways;

according to your love remember me, for you, Lord, are good.

8 Good and upright is the Lord;

therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.

9 He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way.

10 All the ways of the Lord are loving and faithful toward those who keep the demands of his covenant.
— Psalm 25:1-10 (NIV)

Big Idea & Exegesis

So here is my big idea for tonight. And it may sound a little strange because we tend to think of guilt as a
very bad thing, but as you’ll see, I want us to take a fresh look at it. Okay, so here’s my big idea. At its
best, guilt leads me to a place of humility and self-compassion, not shame and self-rejection.

I think understandably brand Christianity has this reputation for a heavy dose of guilt.

Spanglish
If you’ve seen the movie Spanglish then you may recall the scene where, John Klasky, the character
played by Adam Sandler has just had this big argument with his housekeeper, Flor, about the way-too-
large amount of money he paid her daughter, Christina, for finding sand-smoothed glass on the beach.
And the blowup was big enough that Flor feels like she should probably quit since the relationship feels
strange now. And so she says that she quits, but both John and the daughter, Christina really don’t want
her to quit. So John says to Flor.

John — “You can't quit the job. Even if you wanted to. And you know why.”

And Flor Says — “No."

John says — “Yes, you do. You know."

Flor — “Why?"

John — “Because if you do...Christina will blame herself for costing you the job. And that guilt... I don't
know if you know about guilt."

And then Christina jumps with this line! — ”Guilt, we know. We're Catholics. We know."

Cultural Exegesis
So that movie is picking on Catholic Christians, but truth be told that’s a charge brought against many dif-
ferent wings of Christianity — this idea that it really layers the guilt on thick. And, as I named earlier,
we’re now in the season of Lent, which as it’s popularly understood, is basically the season of guilt.
Christmas is the season of cheer and Lent, popularly understood, is the season of guilt. So the broader cul-
ture has really reacted strongly against this. If you think of it like a pendulum, Christianity had the guilt
pendulum way to one side, but really beginning in the 1960’s you can see the cultural movers and shakers
— the artists, poets, philosophers, and writers — they’re leaving Christianity behind and are swinging the
pendulum wildly the other way. The idea was that we’re shaking off all that guilt stuff, all that psycholog-
ical oppression.
In fact, even today it’s not uncommon for folks who have left Christianity behind and joined either the
atheist crowd or more likely they joined the spiritual but not religious crowd, and what they’ll say is
something like, “It feels so good to be rid of all of that guilt. God was like this oppressive watcher, just
hovering over me, and my pastor and my parents told me for years, ‘God sees! God sees everything you
do. And he’s keeping a list. And on the day of judgement you will have to give account for everything. In
fact, not only for what you do, but even for what you think. Remember, Jesus teaching, even if a person
lusts after someone in their heart they have committed adultery with them! So remember, God sees” And
so understandably, when guilt is framed that way and then you add a few dashes of fear in for good mea-
sure, and it’s understandable why many folks are in reaction to this.

Fundamentalist Story
In fact, just a few months ago I met with someone for coffee who is new to The Table, they’ve been visit-
ing us a few times online, but they’re just dipping their toe in the pool so to speak, just visiting. And so I
asked him to share his story, and it was absolutely remarkable, because he was raised in a very strict, fun-
damentalist, Christian household. It was borderline cult like in the sense that their denomination was the
only one going to heaven. So it wasn’t even, only the Christians will go to heaven, it was “Hey, most
Christians aren’t even getting in. Only our little tribe.” But as he spoke he said the three things that he
found so unbearable was the control — who your friends were, who you could date, everything was
tightly controlled because they didn’t want you going outside the bounds of the church into the scary
world. Second, it was the fear. Danger lurked everywhere. Temptation lurked everywhere. Bad people,
pagan people were all around you, the Devil is trying to get you, so watch out! It was like a deep paranoia
about the world. And then third and finally the guilt. Since God was like this all-seeing bureaucrat keep-
ing a scrupulous count of your sins, you were constantly either fighting back sin, or living with a deep
sense of guilt because you had F-A-I-L-E-D. And not just that you had failed, but really that you were a
failure.

And that’s the idea I want to hone in on: It’s not just that you had failed, but that you were a failure. Can
you hear the difference between those two? That’s just a small shift in language, and yet that shift is like
the Grand Canyon.

And so my question is: what’s behind that difference? I believe it’s the image of God operating behind
the scenes. In other words, what kind of parent, so to speak, is God? Is God a loving Father, a loving
Mother, or is God more like a verbally, emotionally, or even physically abusive parent?

Kid Analogy
Think of how we relate to our kids. So our kid messes up, and or the sake of argument let’s just say they
sin big time. It was a very wrong thing they did. As a parent, do you say, “I’m not surprised. You’re such
a failure. Your behavior is so unacceptable, I’m not even sure I can allow you to remain in the family.
You are an embarrassment.” Is that what we say? No. That’s bad parenting. That’s verbally abusive par-
enting. What do we say? At our best, we say, “You’re right. What you did was wrong and extremely hurt-
ful to that other person and even to yourself. But hey, look at me. That’s not who you are. I know the real
you, the deeper you, and I know you’re called to better than that. I know you can do better. So I want you
to apologize to them. I want you to own your crap. And then you know what, let’s move forward. And
hey, I love you. Nothing can ever change that. You know it? (that’s what I always say to my kids) You
know it? And they say, “yeah, I know it.”

Guilt vs. Shame

What’s the difference between those two parenting moments? Brene Brown, the famous shame researcher
has drawn what I believe is a very helpful distinction between guilt and shame. She said that guilt is a fo-
cus on behavior — I did something bad. Shame is a focus on the self. I am something bad. In other words,
“Guilt: I’m sorry. I made a mistake.
Shame: I’m sorry. I am a mistake.”
— Brene Brown

Can you hear the difference there. It’s just one word. Made vs. Am. Made a mistake. Am a mistake. Just
one word, but it’s all the difference in the world.

And I wonder, if in our cultures rush to swing the pendulum, I wonder if in our cultures diagnosis of the
problem of Christianity being guilt, I wonder if that was a misdiagnosis. Because here’s the truth, a pang
of conscience is not a bad thing. Heck, depending on the circumstances, even some deep grief and tears
and a “What have I done?” (i.e guilt) is an essential part of being human. When we mess up, it is good
and right that an alarm goes off in our head that says, “Um….that wasn’t right.” That’s guilt. As Jimminy
Cricket says, “Always let your conscience be your guide.” That’s good advice. And you know what the
medical label is for someone who doesn’t experience this? It’s called being psychopathic. You completely
lack empathy of any sort. There is no conscience. That’s a dangerous place to be. And I don’t think the
culture actually wants us to be psychopaths. No more guilt! Is a recipe for hell on earth. So what have
people been reacting to in the church? Not the guilt. What? Shame. That is what we in the church, and as
a pastor I’ll just speak on behalf of the clergy — at our worst we have gone from guilt “You did some-
thing wrong” to shame “You, in your very being, are wrong.”

This is why I find Psalm 25 so beautiful, because you can hear the writer walking the tight rope of ac-
knowledging their own messed-up-ness, without slipping into shame.

7 “Do not remember the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways…” — Psalm 25:7a

In other words, “Lord, I have done some very stupid and downright terrible things. Yes, today and this
week and this year. But especially Lord when I was young and dumb. Especially when I was insecure,
and hormonal, and impulsive and stupid.”

You see, “Do not remember” — that means forgive them. Lord, do not remember the sins of youth and
my rebellious ways… but then the writers continues.

“…according to your love remember me, for you, Lord, are good.” — Psalm 25:7b

This comes back to the type of parent God is. God is like a good mother, a good father, who in spite of all
of our stupidity and rebelliousness and ego, when God looks at us, when God recalls to mind who we
have been and who we are, it is always from a place, a posture, of love. “According to your love remem-
ber me, for you, Lord are good.” Skipping down to verse 9.

9 “He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way.” — Psalm 25:9

This is why I said my big idea for tonight was that At its best, guilt leads me to a place of humility and
self-compassion, not shame and self-rejection.

That’s the trick. Right? Normally, we so quickly slide from a place of guilt, from the pang of conscience
— “Oh, I messed up. I sinned.” To a place of self loathing and self-rejection. That is, shame. But instead,
we need to slide a different direction. The language I used in my big idea was “the place of humility and
self-compassion.”

Self-Esteem vs. Self-Compassion

I got the language of humility from Psalm 25 and the language of self-compassion from Dr. Kristin Neff
who teaches psychology at the University of Texas. One of her areas of research is on the differences be-
tween self-esteem and self-compassion.So the self-esteem movement has fallen on hard times. Not be-
cause having a high sense of self worth, or self esteem is bad, the problem researchers have discovered is
how you get it. And often the way self-esteem was framed to young children was that you have value be-
cause you are not average. You are above average. In every area. You are great in everything you do! And
what it led to was kids who grew up with high self-esteem but it also turned them a bit narcissistic be-
cause it was dependent on them feeling better than other people. But this is where self-esteem and self-
compassion part ways.

You see, self-compassion is not about us quietly thinking we are better than other people. It is also not
ever refusing to feel guilty or bad. Instead, it is about relating to ourselves as we would a good friend —
that is with kindness.

Could you tell a good friend that what they just did was wrong and hurtful? Sure. I mean, I hope so, or
else you aren’t a very good friend. Could you tell them that they have some outstanding strengths and
some striking weaknesses. Again, yes. But if they messed up would you shame them? Would you tell
them they are worthless and that you loathe them? No. And yet, what do we do to ourselves? We will be
compassionate to everyone in the world, except who? Us. Ourselves. More than anyone else in the world,
we shame ourselves. And that’s why we need to be oh so careful that we begin to slide a different direc-
tion. When we feel guilt, let it lead us to a place of repentance, humility, and self-compassion. Rather than
shame, self-loathing, and self-rejection.

Conclusion
So to conclude, we don’t need to run from guilt. A pang of conscience is not the worst thing in the world.
In fact, it can be God’s grace. Instead, let this season of Lent, of self-examination, of fasting, of spiritual
discipline, this way of the cross. Let it lead you to a place of deep humility and self-compassion.

Prayer