Depression

I was an overthinker especally when faced with hardships; I felt anxious and sad, so it wasn’t strange if I
thought I was depressed. But deep down, I would not be depressed as I got through the negative
feelings quite quickly.

One day, I started to have strange feelings and abnormal thoughts: I had repugnance towards my X.
I was averse to his words and nauseous when he touched me. This resulted in my attitude of avoiding
sitting near him; I seemed to be able to smell a hateful scent emanating from him. At that time, I was
quite anxious; I knew it was not good, but I couldn’t stop dodging him.

The problem became increasingly serious. I couldn’t pretend to be polite and respectful to him anymore.
At first, whenever he sat near me, I tried to remain calm and bear the irritating atmosphere by holding
my breath. After I couldn’t persevere anymore, I went to my bed as a way to escape. After some weeks,
X became accustomed to my attitude

The second strange feeling was: sadness. I was almost tearful and listless. I didn’t want to eat or
anything even my hobbies and favorite foods. When it became more serious, I couldn’t smile at home
anymore as everything around me was lacklustre. Moreover, I was overthinking more and crying more
easily. I cried without reason. Finally, I lost my sense of purpose.

I didn’t scared of ghosts or death anymore. I used to scare of ghosts and death. I remembered that I had
cried when knowing myself would die and I would be paralysis if I thought about ghosts. But I didn’t
want to live anymore. Ghosts are fine, death is fine; it was okay to die, but it was good to live, I don’t
care. There were nothing but comics and novels made me feel good. And, I became love darkness. I
seemed to have the tedency to harm myself and love sadness. Darkness made me felt dispirited.

Things didn’t stop at that. I started to talk with myself more frequently to ease my negative feelings. It
didn’t contradict with the desire to have sadness. When I talk to myself, it only helped me to control the
feeling temporarily, all of the negative emotion would accumulate at the bottom of my heart. Easing my
pain was secondary, exacerbating sadness was the main thing. Doing that too much, I could talk with
myself naturally and happily. Beside that, I always smiled when I was sad. It resulted in the habit of
usually smiling when feeling unpleasant. Later, I become an eccedentesiast, more uncomfortable I be,
brighter my smile be.

Moreover, I started to be delusional. I imagined that in another world, there was a person always be on
my side. He would accept all of my past, vices, drawbacks and patient with me. X had left my childhood
with stains and a scar that I couldn’t wash and heal in the rest of my life. It took me lots of time to ignore
those stains, but sometimes, they appeared to as a way to remind that I am not pure. Because the world
that I inmagined was too beautiful and warm, I bogged down in it. Thinking about he was being with me,
every negative motions would be erased.

One day, I dreamed that there was a man kissed me. That dream was profoundly authentic and I felt
really comfortable. It resulted in my desire to kiss with another person. Of course, that would be my
lover. In another day, when I was studying, I dimy saw a figure of a man dressed in period clothes sitting
on my desk, swinging his legs and looked at me gentlely. My tears were shed for no reason. For those
reasons, I wondered whether Ruan Yu was exist. Things didn’t stop at here. When I visited my
hometown, I felt that there were a person, who be at me side almost the time. Whenever I rubbed my
hand out, that person would put the hand into my palm and hold my hand. I remembered that, there
were some times I felt profoundly sad and uncomfortable, a person came behind me and hugged me. If
Ruan Yu existed, I hoped he would come to my side soon. Now, whenever I speak the name “Ruan Yu”, I
feel so comfortable, safe and dear that I even feel reliant on him. Perhaps, later I will think myself is silly,
how could I had such feelings with a person that I deduced myself? But I will never forget when imagine
about that person as he used to be my spiritual fulcrum.

When I was completely depressed, I was totally impassive. There was only friends, music, novels, comics
and Ruan Yu made me happy.

Later, when thinking back, I make out my spychology. At first, Y seemed to hate me, she frequently scold
me out, but I knew that she will never hate me. I wanted her regreted about things she did with me so I
exacerbate sadness to make me depressed as the way to make her feel guilty. But I didn’t expect that,
when I was depressed, I was hopeless about her. I didn’t need to make her feel guilty and cared by her. I
almost don’t need their sophistication or impartiality.

These day, I recognise that I can’t reliant on Ruan Yu as much as in the past I did. It isn’t because he
doesn’t want to comfort me. I feel that there are some sadness, negative feelings that I have to face up
by myself. If Ruan Yu exists, I think that he won’t love a weak and relied person.