'Hopeless Romantic' - by Mr Langford

Note: before you READ THE SCRIPT, consider the CONTEXT; this was written for a
student for their HSC performance upon request, and is in the style of satire (a style of
comedy that explores social issues) and should NOT be taken as opinion or seriously.

(Ray is a 20 something young man. He clearly lacks social skills and bases his personality on the movies
and social media posts he consumes.)

You can do this, you’ve done it a thousand times in front of the mirror.
This time, I’m not going to cry. Boys don’t cry. Remember, girls like their men strong, positive, confident…

(He knocks, fixes his hair and waits for a moment as she answers the door)
Jenny, you are everything I never knew I always wanted, you’re funny, kind, beautiful - I’m not really into
fringes, but it’s something I could live with, if you only give me another chance.
You complete me, like I mean, I know we’re moving pretty fast - we’ve only been talking for two weeks
and all, but you and me, we can make this work. When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life
with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible. I mean, you like my status
updates and I like yours too. We both make tik-tok videos (he does a little dance to a poorly sung song).
And we both finish each other's… sentences! See! We’re made for each other.

I know we have differences too, but they say opposites attract. I’m 5ft 10, you’re 6ft 4. I like chocolate ice
cream and you’re lactose intolerant. I have a beautiful singing voice and you don’t… Hey, why are you
getting upset? Do you think you’re ugly or something? If you weren’t beautiful I wouldn’t be here right
now, in front of you dressed like this, with flowers and chocolates … Oh… (he reads the box) there’s milk
in these (he smiles and throws the chocolates away) I’m dressed like this with flowers, ready to take you
on the most amazing night of you life. Love is blind anyway. You could put on 5 kilos and i’s still think
you’re... reasonably attractive. Look, I guarantee that we’ll have tough times. And I guarantee that at
some point, one or both of us will want to get out of this thing. But I also guarantee that if I don’t ask you
to be mine I’ll regret it for the rest of my life. Because I know in my heart, you’re the only one for me.

Look, Jenny… I may not be a smart man, but I know what love is. I don't care that you share the same
name as my mother, it doesn’t matter to me one bit. What’s in a name? A rose by any other name would
smell as sweet, so I could just call you… Babe and you could call me honey. It doesn't matter, as long as i
can call you my own.

Did you know, when I first met you it was love at first sight? You had me at hello. Oh, okay you didn’t say
hello, you said “what are you doing here?” But in the end it doesn't matter what I say or what I do, I’m just
a boy standing in front of a girl asking her to love him.
(He holds out an ugly photo of himself. His expression becomes helpless and serious, he takes half a
step back) Okay, I will admit when that photo was taken I had a monobrow, but I plucked them and…
(stop again). Okay fine, my ears stick out? But I know… (suddenly stop) … I know I'm not the smartest,
kindest or most athletic person, I know that being a KFC line cook isn’t a career path.... Okay you know
what i’m …(he starts to get angry) sorry (try to calm down)…no, i’m not sorry. Love means never having
to say you’re sorry.

(He starts to get more spiteful) I remember the first time you ‘hearted’ my instagram picture… I knew you
were the one, but now… now I'm not sure. It seems right now that all I’ve ever done in my life is make my
way here to you. Look, I’m scared. I’m scared of everything. I’m scared of what I saw. I’m scared of what I
did, of who I am…. and most of all, I’m scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my
whole life the way I feel when I’m with you.

(Desperately he reaches out his hand for her) Please, don’t let go, Jack - I mean Jenny… (he falls to his
knees) why does this hurt so much?

I bought you these flowers… they were a symbolic representation of my love for you, well guess what (He
throws them in the air). The chocolates? (He picks them up and starts to shove them in his mouth)
MMMMmmm, they weren’t for you anyway… they were… for my mum… (as he eats, he starts to cry
pathetically)

My heart bled for you… I loved you with all of my heart… I thought you were the one… (he looks up)
Why are you laughing at me?! You think that you are so much better than me... Well… look at you, who
wears yellow pants and a blue top? You look like a yeti in a clown costume. I don't know why I wanted to
take you out for dinner, like, clearly you didn’t need it.
You know what, I don’t even like you anyway. I just wanted to come here and show you what you’re
missing out on. Clearly i’m more man than you can handle. (he acts masculine and poses suggestively
but quickly begins to cry again)

You know what. No. I’m sorry, I’m not letting you go that easily. You’re the one that I want. I’m not leaving
here until you agree to come on a date with me. (he waits…) I can wait. (He sits down cross legged. He
pulls out the chocolate box and slowly starts eating them again… He sniffs the flowers and eats one of
them too… He thinks he heard her say something) Hmm? What was that?... You think I should leave?...
Well I'm not going anywhere… (he stands up) I have been waiting for you my whole life and I refuse to
give up on you. (He steps forward menacingly) No measure of time with you will be long enough. But let’s
start with forever.

(Lights cut to black)

NOW: Respond to these questions in your Drama Book or on this page in GC

1. Underline and note every film reference or Cliche (overused media trope)
2. How does Ray view himself? Does he have high self-esteem? Confidence? Explain your
answer.
3. Why does he lie about getting the chocolates for his mum? What’s so ridiculous and/or
funny about this moment in the scene?
4. Name 3 other comedy techniques that are used, and find an example of each. Annotate
it in your script.
5. Use a { symbol to Label and describe the Emotional Beat in each paragraph Explain the
mood or tone that is being created. Eg. - Sweet tone; He is trying to be loving and
generous and give lots of compliments.
6. Explain, using evidence from the script, how the scene changes between the first and
last paragraph. What is different?
7. Write a 300 word essay style response explaining ‘How have dark comedy and satire
techniques been used to ridicule and expose toxic traits in men?’ (the idea that men can
become aggressive or entitled when they feel disrespected by a woman, or that they feel
they have to behave a particular ‘manly’ way, in order get girls)