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The Audience Disturbs Marcel’s Bath Time

and He Is Very Upset with You All
By: Ryan Bultrowicz

Synopsis: Marcel is taking a bath. You are watching him take a bath. Marcel
catches you watching him taking a bath. A metatheatrical experience ensues.

Ryan.Bultrowicz@live.longwood.edu
(703) 509 6802

CAST

MARCEL – A man taking a bath, Emilia’s husband.

EMILIA – A woman doing what she must to save her husband, Marcel.

SETTING: A bathroom.

NOTE FROM THE PLAYWRIGHT: This play is a dive into metatheatre, it is in fact
metatheatre in the most literal sense. The characters often interact with the audience and
therefore should also be listening and reacting to the audience. The most successful
performances of this show will likely play host to some improvisation on the actors’ parts. I
would also advise a theatre to have the actress playing Emilia to stand outside the theatres
entrance before the play welcoming people to the show, just to add an extra layer of
immersion to her character.
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Lights up, MARCEL walks into his bathroom. He’s wearing a bathrobe. He claps
his hand, some sensual music begins playing, he moves with the rhythm of the
music. He goes to a bucket by the bathtub, it’s full of rubber duckies. He pulls
one out, inspects it, and decides it’s not right for this particular bath. He pulls
another one out, again, not quite there. He pulls out a final rubber duckie; this
one is perfect. He gives it a loving look and a loving squeak. He then throws that
rubber duckie in the bathtub. MARCEL then grabs a nearby loofah, he smells it.
It smells great and brings him a lot of joy. He throws it in the tub. He takes a
look into the bathtub, and puts a hand on his heart, admiring his work.

MARCEL
Perfect!

MARCEL, steps into the bathtub, he undoes his bathrobe in a way that his body
is still shielded from the audience. He slowly lowers himself into the tub, still
concealing his body. When he’s fully in the bathtub, he gently places the
bathrobe on the floor. The bath feels great.

MARCEL
Ahhhhh.

MARCEL claps his hands again, the music stops. He grabs a crossword book he
has stored behind the bath tub. He flips through it for a while.

MARCEL
Hmmmm…

MARCEL puts the crossword book down. He picks up the rubber duckie and
gives it a kiss. He then closes his eyes and starts rubbing his arms with the
loofah.

MARCEL
Mmmm. Mm. Mm. Mmmm.

MARCEL stops washing himself. He notices something is off. With his eyes still
closed he turns to the audience. He opens one eye, and is shocked to see an
audience watching him bathe.

MARCEL
Ah!

MARCEL drops the loofah in the bathtub and uses his arms to cover his body.

MARCEL
What are you doing?! What is this!? A man can’t even take a bath, in the privacy of his own
home, without a crowd of ogling perverts watching him! The bathroom is a sacred place,
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you understand that, don’t you? No, you don’t understand. You’re all just a bunch of
conniving perverts. I can believe this is happening to me. I just wanted to take a nice
relaxing bath, and now I feel like an animal at the zoo. And you’re all just sitting there,
watching, waiting to see what’s going to happen next. Well, I’ll give you what you want
then. You want a little show, is that it?

MARCEL slowly starts getting up.

MARCEL
I’ll give you want you want.

MARCEL grabs a nearby towel, covers himself, and quickly bounces up from the
bathtub.

MARCEL
I’ll give it to you real good.

MARCEL does a little dance with the towel, almost like a striptease, until
eventually he drops the towel. He’s wearing a bathing suit.

MARCEL
Ha! A bathing suit! I wear a bathing suit when I bathe! How unsatisfying for you. But you
don’t deserve satisfaction. What gives you the right?

MARCEL points out an audience member.

MARCEL
You. What gives you the right to walk into my home, uninvited, and try and catch a glimpse
of my private bath time rituals? Don’t answer that, pervert! You disgust me! You all disgust
me! You’re a rotten bunch of perverts! It’s time to leave now. I wish I could say it’s been a
pleasant time but it hasn’t!

MARCEL points to the exit.

MARCEL
Um.

MARCEL runs over to the exit.

MARCEL
This is the exit.

MARCEL crosses his arms and taps his foot impatiently.

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MARCEL
I know you’ve used exits before, people! Go! (To himself) What would entice a group of
perverts to leave? I’ve got it. Hey perverts! I heard they’re giving out free crocs outside!
Better hurry though, they won’t last long!

MARCEL’s ruse does not work.

MARCEL
Seriously? I thought you’re all the type of people who would love crocs! Oh, who am I
kidding? Nobody likes crocs, not normal people and not perverts. Regardless, this has gone
on long enough! I’m putting my foot down.

MARCEL stomps his foot against the floor.

MARCEL
Don’t make me do something crazy. I swear, I’m about to do something crazy!

MARCEL runs back to the stage/playing area.

MARCEL
You’re all in big trouble now…because…

MARCEL grabs his crossword book and his pencil.

MARCEL
I’m going to make a list! Of your names! Then everybody will see the list and know what
huge perverts you all are! Or…you could leave. Right now. It’s up to you.

MARCEL gives it a second.

MARCEL
The list it is!

MARCEL goes into the audience and starts taking down names, going up to
various audience members and scribbling down their names.

MARCEL
Name please! First and last!

MARCEL does this for a few people until he realizes spelling out all these names
is a huge effort and people could be lying.

MARCEL
Oh, this isn’t working! I don’t even know if these are your real names. Some of these are so
silly! I mean, is your name really (he calls out someone’s name that is on his list.). Or is that
just some clever little lie to weasel your way out of trouble?
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MARCEL throws the list behind the bath tub.

MARCEL
Fine. You want to be lectured a little longer? You want me to tell you why your behavior is
problematic? Fine! I’ll give you exactly what you want. Hmmm…how can I get through to
you? To you poor, lost, wayward souls.

MARCEL thinks for a moment. Staring at the audience until…

MARCEL
Consider this for a moment: After all of this, you go home. It’s been a long day. You’ve
sweat. We all sweat, it’s only natural.

MARCEL points to an audience member.

MARCEL
Except for you. The beads of sweat dripping down from your brow right now are extremely
unnatural and make me very uncomfortable. More uncomfortable then the fact you tried to
sneak a peek at my body. By the way, no more of that.

MARCEL grabs a t-shirt from behind the bathtub.

MARCEL
The fun is over. This is my serious shirt. Because we are about to have a very serious
conversation!

MARCEL puts the shirt on and then notices the shirt is inside out and
backwards. He touches the tag on the collar.

MARCEL
I don’t care. It was on purpose. That’s the way I prefer it. It’s called trendsetting. Not that
you’d know anything about that.

MARCEL finds an audience member wearing something he doesn’t like.

MARCEL
You certainly can’t say anything when you’re wearing that (insert whatever article of
clothing here). What an odd fashion choice. I’m not surprised though. This is an odd group;
you’d have to be odd to be doing what you’re doing. Look at you all, bunched up in here!
Lambs to the slaughter! Anyway, where was I?

MARCEL points to the audience member that he called out for sweating.

MARCEL
Did I already mention how you sweat in an unnatural and, frankly, a disgusting manner?
Oh, wait! Shut up. I remember where I was. Okay. You!
 5

MARCEL points out another audience member.

MARCEL
I need somebody to use as an example. Come on up here. Don’t be shy, you don’t get to be
shy! You’ve lost that right!

MARCEL brings the audience member up and has them pantomime the
situation he describes.

MARCEL
So, it’s time for your nightly shower. You disrobe yourself.

MARCEL looks at the audience member impatiently.

MARCEL
Well? Disrobe.

The audience member will presumably not disrobe themselves. If they do,
MARCEL just stops it.

MARCEL
Act it out, you don’t have to actually disrobe yourself. I’m not that cruel a man. Not like
some of you. I wouldn’t make you do something like that. I think you’ll find I’m actually
quite pleasant to deal with. This is just a very rare circumstance we’ve found ourselves in.
Well, I found myself in it. You brought yourselves here. You’re responsible for all of this. I’m
innocent. Which is why you’ll play along, so I can illustrate to you how wrong this is. So.
You disrobe yourself!

Audience member likely follows along now, if not MARCEL pantomimes it over
them, or just has everybody close their eyes to imagine the following scenario
he describes.

MARCEL
You’re naked, in your most primal and vulnerable state. You pull the curtain back. You turn
the shower water on. Too cold. You make the necessary adjustments. Too hot! Got to find
that happy medium. Ah, just right. You get in. You pull the curtains, and enclose yourself
inside the shower. You feel safe. And you are safe. For a singular moment. But
then…silhouetted through the curtain. You see, well, a silhouette!

MARCEL strikes a “I’m going to stab you!” pose.

MARCEL
Of me! And it’ll be just like that movie with the shower curtain and the stabbing.

MARCEL drops the pose.

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MARCEL
Except I’m not going to stab you. I’m not a savage, and I honestly don’t want to do any jail
time on behalf of any of you. But you know the movie, right? What was it called? It’s on the
tip of my tongue. Really, if you know it shout it out. Alfred Hitchcock film, I think?

MARCEL waits for some audience responses.

MARCEL
Psycho! It’s Psycho! Of course, you knew that. If you were sitting there, pretending like you
didn’t know, you’re a liar! That movies like the pervert training manual for all of you, isn’t
it? But guess, what? This isn’t going to end like the movie! I’m not going to end up like the
woman who gets stabbed a bunch of times.

MARCEL looks at the audience member on stage with him.

MARCEL
You can go now. I hope you learned something up here.

MARCEL waits for the audience member to sit back down.

MARCEL
You all don’t realize what you’ve done, do you? Nope, but you’ll soon understand. You’ve
set forth a series of events. A very unpleasant series of events for yourselves that will
culminate in an even more unpleasant exchange between us. You will apologize to me! No
faux apologies either, it’ll be out of sincerity. This I promise you. I mean, really people!
What would your mother say if she knew what you were up to right now? What would your
friends think? And by the way, if you’re here with your friends, or god forbid, your
significant other. You need to drop that relationship immediately! It’s not healthy. Two
grown people shouldn’t go out for an evening of staring at a man bathe himself. No matter
how interesting his bath time rituals are. Anyone here on a date?

MARCEL searches the crowd. He points out some couples if it seems like there
are any. “There’s one! And there’s another!”.

MARCEL
In what world is that normal? What ever happened to all the books? That’s what I want to
know. That’s how people used to entertain themselves. Not like this. This is unnatural.
Look, you might think I’m the bad guy, lecturing you and all that...but in reality, I’m trying to
help you. You can all be reformed. I believe in you. Let’s see…You obviously were looking
for some deeply intimate form of entertainment, why not try poetry? Sometimes I just
spend my whole evenings reading poems to my beloved. There are so many words, and so
many beautiful combinations, it’s thrilling. Frost, Dickinson, Plath! Those were some smart
cookies. Hm. I see those dull looks on your faces. What’s wrong with poetry? Let me guess,
you’d rather just stare into those phone screens all day, wouldn’t you? Crushing candy, and
booking faces! What if I told you: Books, poetry, crossword puzzles, paper…they don’t
know anything about you. They don’t need to, because all they want from you is to be
 7

known. All they want is for you to find meaning in them. They don’t store your information
to use against you later. Your phones should take note! I’m not one of those tinfoil hat anti-
technology types. I just think there comes a point when things have gone too far! I swear.
I’m worried. I’m worried about the future. Peeping Toms. Everywhere. There’s someone
out there tracking everything. What we “like”, the shows we watch, even what we buy at
the pharmacy! That includes all the embarrassing stuff.

MARCEL points out an audience member.

MARCEL
This guy knows what I’m talking about. I mean, does anyone even know the meaning of
privacy anymore? Alexa! What’s the meaning of privacy?

Sound cue as Alexa, a robotic voice, answers and MARCEL perhaps responds or
demonstrates the definition.

ALEXA: Privacy. the state or condition of being free from being observed or
disturbed by other people.

MARCEL
Disturbed! What you all are doing! Disturbing!

Sound cue continues.

ALEXA: Synonyms for privacy include aloneness, insulation, isolation,

secludedness-

MARCEL
That’s enough, Alexa!

Sound cue continues.

ALEXA: Sequestration, solitariness, solitude-

MARCEL
I said shut up, Alexa! They get it!

MARCEL waits for a moment to make sure his Alexa has stopped.

MARCEL
Well, not really. I can, hopefully, articulate it a little better than that. I guess I’m just feeling
a state of extreme sadness for us all. I’m concerned, that’s it. First it’s our phones, then it’s
our bathrooms, what’s next? Our thoughts? Haven’t you ever thought to yourself: Oh, I need
a pair of new shoes, or a new loofah or…you know, whatever! Then it’s just pictures of
loofahs everywhere you look online! Loofah here! Loofah there! Loofah everywhere! And
you laugh today because it’s me, but tomorrow it could be any one of you. Or every one of
 8

you. And who’s going to protect you when it’s your turn to be a spectacle? When there’s a
whole audience in your bathroom, learning all about what you do when you think you’re
alone…who’s going to stop them? The law? No! Some of the people making the law don’t
even have a firm enough grasp of technology! There are people my age who don’t know
what a gigabyte is. They think it’s some type of snack! And I’ll be the first to admit it, it
sounds delicious. Gigabyte a la mode? Tell me you wouldn’t order that for dessert at some
fancy restaurant. I would. I’d order two! I dare say, with sprinkles on top! That’s probably
why I have high blood pressure actually…

MARCEL thinks about this for a moment before remembering what he was
talking about.

MARCEL
The point is, if some people don’t understand the most simplistic terms of technology, then
I assure you there are some high up officials who don’t understand the intricacies of
technology and what these super companies are really capable of. Just the other day, I was
watching one of my favorite soaps; it’s not of your business which by the way. But a
commercial break comes up. I hate commercial breaks so naturally I do some channel
flipping, and I come across this congressional hearing. Normally, I wouldn’t have stopped
but the man they were questioning had this beautiful tie on. It was really nice, I’ve got to
remember to get myself a tie like that. Anyway, I stuck around for a few minutes and this
man is basically having to explain to congress what the internet even is! I felt embarrassed
for everybody involved. But then again, there’s so much ambiguity. People can’t even agree
on the pronunciation of the word data! Is it data (pronounced da-du) or is it data
(pronounced dey-ta)? Raise your hand if you say data! Okay, now raise your hand if you say
data!

MARCEL takes note of the audiences answers. He might say something if there
is a significant difference or no difference. Example: “Oh…so it’s just me that’s
saying it wrong?”

MARCEL
Hm. Look. I’m not saying I’m an expert on this stuff, I’ve forgotten my password and have
been locked out of my bank account far too many times to say that. But there’s no system
set up to stop my privacy, our privacy, from being breached, and it’s a horrifying thing. You
understand? No. I’m afraid you still don’t. How could you? Hmmm. Okay, let’s do a little
exercise. This will, hopefully, help you understand how violated you’ve made me feel.
Everyone right now, think but don’t say it aloud. What is your most embarrassing secret?
Go ahead, think.

After a moment.

MARCEL
Got it? Good.

MARCEL points to an audience member.

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MARCEL
Okay. You. Let’s hear it. Something real. Not something quirky or cute, like you put ice
cubes in your white wine. Something you’re genuinely embarrassed about! You won’t say it.
If you can say the thing, then you’re not truly embarrassed about the thing. It’s that simple.
You don’t want to say your secret. It’s private. Just like I don’t want you all watching me
bathe! Or knowing my browsing history! There are certain things in this world that are
meant to remain private! And if you don’t get that, well, you’re very dense. I’m sorry to say
it.

MARCEL gets the feeling his message isn’t getting through to the audience. Not
really.

MARCEL
I want you to understand, I want you to really understand how disappointed I am by this. I
could tell you, but honestly we'd be here all night long! You know what? A picture says a
thousand words. That’s what people say...go on, pull out your phone and take one! Then
take a good look at it because you will see how truly disappointed I am by your antics. Is
everybody ready? Okay. Here’s how disappointed I am!

MARCEL poses, looking disappointed.

MARCEL
Alright, that was disappointed. Here’s anger!

MARCEL poses, looking angry.

MARCEL
Grrr! And finally, here’s the sadness you’ve made me feel.

MARCEL poses, looking sad.

MARCEL
Got it? Good. Take those photos and go look at them at home! You’ll finally be able to see
the disappointment! The anger! The sadness! Now, I trust you'll delete that though. Please?
I don't want to just become another hashtag bouncing around aimlessly in a digital space. I
can see it now, hashtag Marcel’s bath! People would put it up on social media, not
understanding the terms of service, or worse, ignoring them. Then every company in the
world would have permission to use my photo to sell whatever they want. I’d be driving
home one day and see a giant billboard with my face on it. Advertising something.
Something I love.

MARCEL grabs his loofah.

MARCEL
Probably loofahs.
 10

MARCEL grabs his rubber duckie.

MARCEL
Or man’s best friend. The rubber duckie.

MARCEL holds the items up and stares at them with a sad passion.

MARCEL
I don’t want my love for these things tainted. It’s always the things you love that the world
tries to ruin.

EMILIA
(Offstage) Marcel? Is that you in the bathroom, Marcel? Can I come in?

MARCEL
Oh, you’re all in for it now. That’s my wife, and she is not a woman to be messed with! You’ll
see!

MARCEL puts the rubber duckie and loofah back in the bathtub.

MARCEL
Yes, love! Come in!

EMILIA enters.

EMILIA
What’s going on in here?

MARCEL
Perverts. The whole lot. Caught them all red handed.

EMILIA
What?

MARCEL
I know, right? I can’t believe it either. Abhorrent behavior. This is truly a congregation of
societal scum bags.

EMILIA
What are you talking about? Why is your shirt like that?

MARCEL
Because style!

EMILIA
I heard you shouting. Are you okay?
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MARCEL
Not really, no. Here I am, in the tub, taking a bit of a rub a dub dub, if you will, and then I
catch all of these people trying to get a sneak peek of my goods! Now, I’ve taken on the
responsibility of trying to educate them but it seems my efforts-

EMILIA
Who?

MARCEL
Them.

EMILIA
Who’s them?

MARCEL
This audience!

EMILIA
Marcel, you’re scaring me.

MARCEL
What do you mean, I’m scaring you? How am I scaring you? You’re scaring me! I mean, are
you condoning their behavior? Because I’m your husband, you don’t want other people
staring at me in the nude, do you? That’s just…I certainly don’t want other people staring at
you naked. Unless they’re your gynecologist. But even so, a gynecologist shouldn’t stare too
much.

EMILIA
There’s no one here. It’s just you and me.

MARCEL
What? No. Look.

MARCEL motions towards the audience.

EMILIA
What am I supposed to be looking at? The wall?

MARCEL
Wall? What? No, them! Look, it’s an audience!

MARCEL starts pointing out specific audience members: “You don’t see this girl
in the weird blouse? Or this man with the very nice eyebrows?”
 12

EMILIA
Why don’t you take a second to breathe? Calm down, honey.

EMILIA takes a big breath, in and out.

MARCEL
I-

EMILIA
Breathe! Now!

MARCEL motions to the audience

MARCEL
But they-

EMILIA
Marcel! Breathe!

MARCEL takes a very exaggerated and exasperated deep breath in and out.
Then looks towards the audience.

MARCEL
Breathing didn’t help! They’re watching! All of them! With those devious little grins on
their faces!

EMILIA
You didn’t breathe right. You need to breathe more-

MARCEL
I don’t need to breathe!

EMILIA
Everybody needs to breathe!

MARCEL points to the audience.

MARCEL
You need to open your eyes and see! Look at them, they’re sad beings, really. I don’t know if
they’ve even considered one word I’ve told them this evening. Maybe they’re too far gone.
Is that possible?

EMILIA
There is no one there! You’re pointing at thin air!
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MARCEL
That can’t be! You’re telling me you don’t see this sweaty beast right here?

MARCEL points to the audience member he called out for being sweaty.

EMILIA
You’re pointing at nothing.

MARCEL
I…what? But…they were watching me.

EMILIA
No. Nobody was watching you. Why would anyone watch you bathe yourself? That doesn’t
make sense.

MARCEL
To get a look at my body.

EMILIA
Uh, no.

MARCEL
To violate my privacy.

EMILIA
Why would they want to do that?

MARCEL
I don’t know. Maybe they’re collecting data on me. To use for…nefarious purposes. Or
maybe it’s some sort of power play!

EMILIA
No, it’s not. Because nobody is watching you. Nobody would want to. You were just talking
to yourself.

MARCEL
I swear they’re right-

EMILIA
Why don’t you go get a glass of cold water, drink it, come back, and then finish up your
bath? Okay? I know how much you love your bath time.

EMILIA leads MARCEL towards offstage.

MARCEL
Okay…
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MARCEL exits. EMILIA turns to the audience.

EMILIA
Well, are you enjoying the show? You have everything you need? The air temperatures
okay?

EMILIA notices the sweaty man.

EMILIA
Oh. You are quite sweaty. You must be very well hydrated! You all look good! Healthy. I do
have to apologize to you, I didn’t think he’d notice you.

EMILIA double checks to make sure MARCEL did leave.

EMILIA
He’s not usually an observant man. Every once in a while, he walks into a room, has this
dazed look on his face, stops and says: Hm, wrong room. And then he walks out. Wrong
room? We've been living here for years! It's a one-bedroom apartment! And last New Year’s
Eve! We were celebrating with some red wine. He bumps into the table, knocking the bottle
off, and it spills all over our white carpet! The next day when he comes home from work, he
starts raving to me about the new carpet I bought. About how artistic it is. I didn't buy a
new carpet. So, I asked him what he was talking about? The Jackson Pollock carpet, he says.
He thought our wine stained carpet was an homage to Jackson Pollock! Oh, and get this! We
were once on a road trip, and we stopped at a gas station, and I went to the bathroom, and
when I got out of the bathroom he had left me! And he didn’t notice for twenty minutes that
I wasn’t in the car with him! You should’ve seen the look of shame he had on his face as he
pulled back up to the gas station. That man.

EMILIA takes them all in for a moment, then a heavy sigh.

EMILIA
See, I thought this would be more peep show-esque. Slightly erotic for you all. I don’t know.
We need the money, and you all were willing to pay the price of admission. No refunds by
the way. The show might not be as erotic as I originally intended but, I’m sure he’s still
putting on a bit of a show for you all. Marcel is a very dramatic man. I mean, I’m sure you’ve
already caught on to that. Oh, don’t you all look at me like that. You think what I’m doing is
wrong isn’t it? Well, you seem to be enjoying yourselves. So, you’re a bunch of hypocrites.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to call you names. I’m just…I’m under a lot of stress. You
see, this is all for Marcel’s own good. You don’t believe me? It’s true. You think I’d subject
my husband to your gazing eyes just for my own sick pleasure? No, of course not! I’m not a
monster! How far would you push the boundaries of what’s acceptable to protect the one
you love?

EMILIA points out an audience member.

 15

EMILIA
You have someone in your life whom you love, don’t you? Of course. And if their life was
threatened, god forbid, how far would you go to keep them alive? What would you do? I
know I’d do whatever needed to be done. Wouldn’t you?

EMILIA searches for an audience member to agree with her “Right, wouldn’t
you do anything?”

EMILIA
Great! So, we all agree we’d sell tickets to our husband’s bath time rituals! And so here we
are. I’ve sold you all tickets to watch Marcel’s bath time ritual. Why you were interested? I’ll
never know! But you should know, this is all because of his heart. He’s got a rare heart
condition. He’s dying! My darling Marcel is dying, and I don’t know what I’d do without him.
He’s my life. My love. Forever and always.

EMILIA thinks about all the happiness MARCEL has brought her. A sad moment
passes, then she remember the audience.

EMILIA
There is a slither of hope however. A new experimental drug could save his life, but our
insurance doesn’t cover it, and it’s very expensive. So, now you see how its ended up like
this? I tried every other means of making money. Selling my hair, selling my blood, selling
my eggs. But nothing paid higher than selling Marcel’s privacy. Why shouldn’t I go that
route? Every time he goes online to buy a new loofah someone’s see’s that and sells the
information to some big overseas loofah company! What color loofah? Was it a loofah with
a handle? Was it an eco-friendly loofah? There are so many types of loofahs! Why are there
so many types of loofah?

EMILIA shakes her head.

EMILIA
What else could I have done? I had no other options! Oh, Marcel…please forgive me for
subjecting you to all of this.

EMILIA tries not to cry.

EMILIA
I’m sorry for getting emotional. It’s just been tough, and he’s got such a great heart. Not
literally, because of his condition, but I’m saying he’s a good guy.

MARCEL enters.

EMILIA
Marcel, darling. Are you feeling any better?

MARCEL looks directly at the audience.

 16

MARCEL
Uh…uh…I thought I was but...

EMILIA
Shhhh. Just try and enjoy your bath.

MARCEL notices a tear in her eye.

MARCEL
Emilia? Is something wrong you-

EMILIA
No! Nothing is wrong! Enjoy your bath!

EMILIA runs off stage. MARCEL tries to ignore the audience. He goes through
his full bath time ritual again, tries to make the audience disappear, perhaps
checks and rechecks, always still finding them there.

MARCEL
I still see you all. This doesn’t make any sense to me. You’re real. But you can’t be real.
Emilia says you’re not real. And my mother always told me, women are incapable of lying.
They’re honest beings. Wait. Some of you are women. So, if some of you are women, then
those of you who are women are incapable of lying. But, no. If you’re not real then you’re
not actually women, you’re just something that is nothing. And if you’re not women you’re
not incapable of lying. If you’re nothing, then honesty means nothing to you. You
understand? If you’re not real, then you’re fictitious, and nothing you say can be trusted.
Ah, but if you’re fictitious the fiction derives from my brain. So, you know what I know. If
you know what I know that means your fictitious! What’s my favorite color? Shout it out! If
one of you knows that’ll mean you’re not real!

MARCEL listens to the responses.

MARCEL
No. No. All wrong. My favorite color is gamboge! You know, kind of a brownish yellowish
color. Like certain types of mustard! I actually consider myself quite the mustard
connoisseur so that’s why it’s my fav-…Wait, you didn’t know. So, you are real? But Emilia
says you’re not real…

MARCEL feels a sudden rush of pain.

MARCEL
Oh! My brain hurts! My brain!

The pain intensifies.

 17

MARCEL
Wait, no! It’s not my brain! It’s my heart! You’ve all sent my heart into-

MARCEL falls to the floor in agony, he clutches his heart.

MARCEL
Ah!

EMILIA runs on stage.

EMILIA
Marcel! Marcel!

EMILIA takes MARCEL in her arms.

MARCEL
Ahhhh!

MARCEL points at the audience.

MARCEL
I still see them! Agh!

EMILIA
They’re real, baby. They’re real. I’m sorry, I had to-

MARCEL
Ah! I knew it! I knew it! An apology, I-

EMILIA
I’m sorry, I really am I did it for you, for your-

MARCEL
No, not from you! From them!

EMILIA
From them?

MARCEL
For being perverts!

MARCEL’s pain intensifies. He is having trouble breathing now.

EMILIA
You must apologize! Please, it’ll calm his nerves! Apologize for being perverts! Apologize!
Let’s hear it! Say “I’m sorry for being a pervert, Marcel!” Everybody!
 18

EMILIA gets the audience to apologize to MARCEL. MARCEL slowly fights the
“pain” as he gets up from the floor. EMILIA helps him. When he finally is up, he
takes a few deep breathes and his “pain” eventually subsides.

MARCEL
I told you. I told you that you’d end up apologizing. I was faking it! I knew when it came to
it, if the stakes were high enough, you’d apologize! You think that’s what a heart attack
looks like? Where’d you learn that? WebMD? Ha! You should’ve seen your faces; you were
so worried!

MARCEL acts like he’s having the heart attack again.

MARCEL
(Mocking) Oh, ow! Oh, it hurts so much! Woe is me! Woe is me! Ha!

EMILIA gives MARCEL an angry look.

MARCEL
Uh. Sorry about that.

EMILIA hits him.

EMILIA
Don’t you dare ever fake a heart attack again! Especially not when you have a heart
condition!

MARCEL
I didn’t mean to frighten you! It was them I was trying to…and you’re the one who sold my
privacy! Which, because it’s you, I can forgive. So, therefore, you’ve got to forgive me for the
whole fake dying thing.

EMILIA
Oh. You’re right. So, we both forgive each other?

MARCEL
Yes, my love. Always.

MARCEL leans in for a kiss. EMILIA backs away.

EMILIA
Honey.

MARCEL stops. EMILIA points to the audience.

 19

MARCEL
Oh, yes. Well, how easy it is to forget you’re being watched sometimes. But really. Thank
you for that. What you all said. It’s one thing to be a pervert. It’s another thing to be a
pervert with the capacity to apologize.

EMILIA analyzes the audience, looking at them all from left to right, from right
to left.

EMILIA
Wait a second.

MARCEL
What?

EMILIA
I’ve got a better look of them now.

MARCEL
I still stand by what I said about their fashion sense. I mean-

MARCEL walks up to the audience member he called out for a poor fashion
decision.

MARCEL
Are you honestly going to defend that?

EMILIA
No, not that. (To the audience member) Marcel doesn’t know what he’s talking about. You
look very nice. It’s just that…

EMILIA pulls out a notepad and starts counting and scribbling.

MARCEL
What are you-?

EMILIA
Shhh!

MARCEL
Always with the shushing this one.

EMILIA
I said shhhh!

MARCEL
Hmph.
 20

EMILIA is furiously scribbling, then she stops, and looks up with an excited
expression. MARCEL looks on, confused.

EMILIA
Oh! Oh, it’s wonderful! Marcel, these people, they’ve helped us raise enough money to fix
your heart! To get you that medication!

MARCEL
Really? That’s…why, that’s incredible news. Well, maybe you all aren’t so bad after all. I…I
even think I might miss having you around. Come back sometime, won’t you? In a more
traditional way, though. The front door perhaps. We can eat mustard together! I think I’d
like that very much.

MARCEL finds himself getting a bit emotional.

MARCEL
You’re the best bunch of perverts I’ve ever met. In fact, I applaud you. Thank you!

MARCEL starts applauding.

EMILIA
A great display of empathy from you all!

EMILIA and MARCEL applaud the audience as the lights fade.

END OF PLAY