The Toll of Time on Love

The more you called,

The less I cared.

The soft toys that I once held so tight,

Now gather dust in my heart's attic.

Your dimpleds smile that I loved so much,

Now just another familiar face that I’m tired of seeing.

The petals of the flower were wilting,

And I was too tired to pick them up.

My feelings for you were already old,

And you know I hate old things.

I missed your call that day,

Simply because I did not want to pick it up.

Someone knocked at my door,

and it took me by surprise.

I had to say that it was

an entirely different feeling.

It was beyond refreshing and stimulating,

I could feel the excitement in my blood.

It had my veins pulsing

And heart beating once again.
It was hard to deny and resist,
A force so strong that it felt unbreakable.

Maybe one day you will be able to understand

And forgive me for what I did.

Good ending – more implying than telling, suggesting than stating. The stanzas flow well, but
there could be stronger imagery and metaphors to give more depth and complexity to the story of
the relationship. Overall there is too much telling, stating, rather than implying and suggesting
through imagery, rhythm, voice and tone.

The Aftermath of Walking Away

In the depths of my heart, sorrow reigns,

A loss that nothing can tame,
For I let slip a love that was mine to claim,
And now, I'm left with naught but pain.

I made a mistake, a grave error of choice,

And now, my heart weeps an endless voice,
For the one, I cherished with all my might,
Has found solace in another's sight.

My heart bleeds, my soul is rent,

For the one who gave me love is now absent;,
I cannot shake the ache it brings,
This emptiness, this shattered thing.
So, here I am, alone and bereft,
A heartbroken soul that cannot forget,
The love I lost, the mistake I made,
And the hefty price I paid.

The rhymes are well-wrought and the rhythm is good. But there is too much telling, and the
cliches are there too, which makes the poem read like a familiar love poem about heartbreak. It
needs a strong metaphor, more resonant imagery to give it more depth and fresh perspective.