orate by MONKEYS!a Thal lle Gee) ela Pee oct), nal tee nro a aad BASED ON DARWYN COOKE’S ENC Ur a s AVAILABLE ON BLU-RAY ee BVD AND GN DEMAND G2.26.08 bale STR ia I-A el) r ete ee eee ReaTo: All MAD Readers From: Mr, Jingles, Editor in Chief Re: AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE As you all know, the quality of MAD Magazine has been in steep and steady decline since the departure of MAD’s first editor, Harvey Kurtzman, in the spring of 1956. (MAD #28) In a dramatic gesture to stem this decline and reduce operating costs, the manage- ment of MAD has outsourced this entire issue to foreign labor. It makes te screech with pleasure and paund my chest with joy to welcome you to the new MAD, the first magazine conceived, written, illustrated and eaten entirely by monkeys! I have assembled some of the finest chimps, apes, gorillas and orangutans working in comedy writing today. They have toiled as long as their attention span would allow, creating a humor magazine that all mammals can enjoy — even whales, who are not generally known for their sense of humor. A few years ago, MAD instituted a feature on the Fundalini Pages called “Monkeys Are Always Funny.” That's something we monkeys have known all along. So please, sit back and enjoy this issue, while f scratch my anus and sniff my fingers. cove nig “SHENALNGANS” SOLO AUD JACK "SERAMBLES” SHRACLSE sg gu ae ett en 26 DEDICATION This issue is dedicated to the late, great J. Fred Muggs, the first monkey contributor to MAD, (issue #38, March 1958) who bravely paved the way for those fof us who humbly follow in his paw-steps. EEK! EEK!— me 7 = ton frm EEE “oe” MUS E 7 L ARTIST TOM -TIERLAS- RICHMOND. onic Random Cage, Stompy ana book for young chimps, imote and the rests history. However, his career took a downtuin when he killed his brother, ZappALFRED E. NEUMAN LOOK-A-LIKE AAs you can tell from this plcture of my friend Derrick, he really believes there Is a resemblance between him and his idol Alfred E. Neuman. ‘Actually, that was my idea. | said “Nice ta meet you Derrick. has anyone ‘ever tald you that you look like Alfred E, Neuman?” We both work at a hospital and he swears that he doesn’ work in the psych ward, though Tm not too sure of that since only a loony would pack his office cubicle vith a bunch of MAD collectibles! Jamie Schaub, Oregon City, OR ‘Twist ond Schaub — Congratulations, human, you are the winner ofthis month's ‘Aled E. Neuman Look-A-Like contest. Of course, we have to fake your word for fall you humans look the some fo ust —MenkeyEd. and decide how we would respond to them. This month's magical issue of Acoustic Gultarl sec of Reve a's eee cance the whole maa [Signe trosing every Bini Some ates ppenk 10 Me aati and ter arco re est porte me, bays some Size i shou guter-vine. Paslccoutm he at elo 7 Dork — We love acoustic guitars! Tha Tuners are lee Ona shiny and the body Is made of dolcious-tasting ‘wood! Unfortunately, cue to oor limited dexterity, trying to play the guitar rts ftom Nickelback “Rockster Is damn ‘eo impossioel AS monkeys, howeves, we would have absolately no problem. wating ly tke melts! —MonkeyEd. IN SPACE, NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU SCREECH I particularly enjoyed it when you covered the “wack Job astronaut” Lisa Nowak (MAD #488). This is because ' few days before she went on her nice cross-country {cip with king utensils in the back of her car, she spoke ‘at our school, regaling us with what its Uke to be an astronaut and about some of her experiences in space. mn fact, one of the places the media got information. about her was from our principal, Lou Licht, was ‘overioyed when she got her own page in the MAD 20. {think it's ironic that our school, which fs among the top five schools in the state, and the best in the distric. was associated with a person who regularly finds space in the pages of MAD. If] could go back in ime, I would take a picture with her for Celebrity Snaps. ! would also like to mention that my friend's mother knows Lisa ‘Nowak, what does that say about me? Jared Goldberg, Thousand Oaks, CA Foo's Goldberg — We sympathize with Lisa Nowak. The ‘pace program really serews with yout head. Our Uncle, ‘Commander Bumbles, went on a fow test missions for NASA und wos never tbe seme again, Ironically, he 100 ‘wore dlapets! —MonkoyEd. CHRISTMAS: PRESENT TENSE Aer being guited into spending Christmas with my farnily, I realized that meant bringing presents. Then | emembered something | saw way back in MAD #484 “You're NOT Exactly Ful of the True Spirit of Christmas "So I gave my sister the ast week of my 07 Far Side ee) Z Cais BY : * | MONKEYANGELO DAVID) o£ ry em ya INTER/SPRING CATALOGUEerent eee ee eee H I i a i i i i | 4 teed ry gA_UISTION FOR , THE FUTURE A ie ra = 4 > i 4 r. y i | (ES x An Original Anime MoE Sha | hy; from Master Filmmakers C \ : John Woo and Shinji Aramaki — - Peete eereees ae) Svinte eINbierale bes) Available on Blu-ray Hi-Def, d 0) Us 0h Tale hn Ol p eit lare| ” foe hel) HD Combo DUD Available 04.01.08 cy bd A SecoGOD GWAR Crean ts Por oat Bee ee een ea ee ere en r fo bie *9 out of 10. Reaches legendary heights’ meer tdFY AU yarere pert. No, I'm going |f| No. I'm g ‘to biden it f stupld our lof the wtectel | keopars oral ‘Censorship ie REALLY i) SNAPPY ANSWERS) ‘Are you playing with that tire? | hy buigs you're picking off her back? ‘Are they forcing you ta smoke? a ‘tiem to sneak Into the keeper's office ‘and bring me the keys to this cagel ‘with youlEaters GREAT MONKEYS IN AMERICAN HISTORY AN OVERDUE TRIBUTE TO SOME OF THIS NATION'S | GREATEST AND MOST INSPIRATIONAL PRIMATES GOODY WENDELL “Tire Mayftower Monkey” MISS LINK \ CORKY “YITTLES McGOON Believed to be the slave monkey ofthe Duxbury Wendells, thishairy | Sadly omitted from Ken Burns’ documentary, this fint-ever Forced to fend for himself during the Great Depression, McGoon wandered into the quiet, Midwestern town of Puritan was responsible for the removal of lice fromeach and every | helper monkey played an integral part in the Northern Breedersvlle, Kansas looking for work and alittle companionship. As winter was approaching, he found both passenger aboard the famed vessel, After the frst winterin Plymouth, | victory in the Civil War. As Ape de Camp to General Geant, {in the Clumbs — a local farming family who welcomed him with open arms. When the Clumbs took to calling ‘she migrated south with the Reverend Percy Drool, who's said tohave J she planted over 1,400 banana peel mines, wreaking great him by the nickname “Vitis.” his heart swelled swith a sense of truly being part of a family! Vitdes never did see purchased her foramere tin of mutton lard. hhavoc upon advancing Confederates, Grant’s journal the spring of that year, but his sacrifice served a family of eight through a cruel winter in our nation’s history, notes: “..a plainer girl Ihave not met, yet when ] watch her bound about, squealing with the joy of victory, Limust admit, thereisasticring within” J ‘woaren:TeResa “suscutTs ORNS PARKHUNGY ARTISE: YOM “paeHES FOWLER CHICHI THE LEADER CHOKACHIKEEL ‘sions, meming“Playe with Seif) | HEAVENLY troot masseuse tothe sufagetis) | FREEDA YASGUR An integral part of the Battle of Saratoga, this Smitten with a hired hand of Masters Meriwether Lewis and Sole after weary sole, she'd massage tired, over- ‘Working at Max ¥asgur’s farm during the historic Summer of Love, she was patriotic primate, wagon in tow, hauled and loaded | William Clark. this Native American Simian joined the legendary marched feet back into the movement,each suffragette J also.an unsung hero of the Woodstock Festival there. With herslight stature ‘cannonballs (and, after the occasional flask of expedition to act as emissary between the white men and exclaiming"Heavenly'"as she tirelessly gave tothe | and familiarity with the terrain, she helped haw dozens afiicted from bad rama full diaper) for the entirety of a conflict that | the Sioux nations. His strong encouragement of each to “love effort. Her strong hands and determined spirit were | acc tomedical tents. Charles Mirklefirth, CEO of Mirklefirth & Mirklefirth ‘changed the course of the American Revolution. | themselves” before approaching the bargainingtable lessened | | herlegacies—along with thelliceshe accidentally gave J recalls, “For years | didn’t understand the flashbacks where I'd feel those Itis said the scampering ghost of Chichi resides on | tensions among the rivals and promoted a journey not only to Susan B. Anthony in the summer of 1894. Jong furry fingers clasped around my wrists, followed by an incredible this legendary batllefield screeching with delight | of discovery, but also self-discovery. sense of safety. Now know it was Freeda dragging me tothe EMTs. I never each time a reenactor fires a round. hhad the chance to say thank you, and {think I may have vomited on her”oo Buy] Se] MymmenkeyBer | Community | Help J Eonar) om GORILLAGSALE Maintaimed by: Gorillo4Sale (358) Thank you for visiting my Monkeybay store!ll! | am a stay-at-home (as mtich as our roving troop allows, LOLI!) mom of two who emigrated from my natal group two years ago due to an instinctual fear of inbreeding. My new, secondary group consists of six other females, nine newborns {but given the high rate of infanticide in our species who knows what tomorrow will bring, ik!) and our dominant alpha male who recently ran off with my two boys, Jason and Justin (currenlly serving in a small allmate group until they reach adulthood, at which point | assume at least one will return and challenge his father to take his place). | started seling on monkeyBay three years ago when a friend from a neighboring troop found an elephant tusk and sold it for $11,000)!!! started off auctioning bamboo shoots but have "branched" out into whatever | can find. In my spare fime | enjoy grooming, scrapbooking, grazing on herbs, stems and roots, and collecting vintage Bakelite costume jewelrylll | love all the new friends I've made on monkeyEBay!! Proud mama with Jason, April 1999, a amp Pete tee ‘They grow up SO Fastitt =MI f mn I te EVE! Amazing Manifestation of Great Ape on Quickly Ripening Tropical Fruit | could not believe my eyes when I reached for a banana the other day and took one bite before noticing what is CLEARLY the image of the great Kong himself, formed by a grouping of six overlapping brown spots on Auction ended during this obviously blessed piece of frit. Word has spread to nearby troops and dozens of believers...isxe. mcr ny estrus eyele ard | was notable to Bend pay: ment fot a week ~ seller Sure ue en Pills and Supplements Don't Work! Turn Into a Silverback in 60 Days — Or Your Money Back! FROM DiAN FOSSEY'S: ‘Complete $eif-Hypnosis Course On CD HEAD CIRCA 107 Wit Forget all the touchy-feely myths you've heard. The truth is, copulatory grunts and beating your chest will turn #190167562295 ‘only go 50 far in impressing us females. When all is said and done, having a back of thick, lush silver hair Buyer: MatildieAas 245) DOES matter. And studies have shown that you won't get it with any pharmaceuticals currently on the = a P| market...jage more) Sxeottent customer! ‘Solid Granite Edible Root-Mashina Rock Pad eat cers Refurbished — Ail Parts 100% Guaranteed! es ‘Smart buyers know to go with refurbished items to save lots of $$$ over their brand-new counterparts. And there's Seal LOT OF Tes 1 | nemaed fo wory since a8 pars are 100% guaranteed Her isa sold grant ock weighing approximate 9s, JOO NEHORE BEL F | which is ideal for mashing edible o0Is into a sot, palataale paste. Equally versatile as a weapon in territorial 2 Sein Tens FOLD PAGE OvER LEFT FOLD BACK SO THAT “7 MEETS“ eye Jp ; AY is SRV FEA) CTR On bea a co ee SS) US eS URS eS a a Se See DOCS ae URC aU Lae UlaSU eee THING THAT CAN HAPPEN TO ANY MONKEY? FOLD PAGE OVER LIKE THIS! FOLD BACK SO THAT “A” MEETS “B” HAVING TO WRITE AN ISSUE OF MADTHE VIDEO GAME EE bar nero EXTEND YOUR LOST EXPERIENCE. ~ A You awake to the blazing sun, the screaming of other passengers, the wreckage of Oceanic flight 815. And no memory of what has happened. Now you must fight for your survival by exploring the island, uncovering its dark secrets, an TICS era CR LURE eCPM ae CLES MERIT Let = its |