THE RELATIONSHIP GRID

Grandiosity

Boundary-less and one

Walled off and one up
up

Indifference
Passive aggressive Control
Anger
"You're not worthy'

Walled off Boundary-less

Love, HEALTHY Love,
avoidant dependent

Resignation
Desperation
Withdrawal
Manipulation
Depressed

Walled off and one down Boundary-less and one

down

@counsellorcronan
Shame
 RELATIONSHIPS

HEALTHY UNHEALTHY

COMPLIMENTS CRITICIZES

FORGIVENESS HOLDS GRUDGES

RESPECTFUL DISRESPECTS

COMPRIMISES DEMANDS

ENCOURAGES INSULTS

SUPPORTS COMPETES

COMMUNICATES HAS SECRETS

@COUNSELLORCRONAN
 RELATIONSHIPS
Let's do it together.

HEALTHY UNHEALTHY

@COUNSELLORCRONAN
What's your love language?
WORDS OF AFFIRMATION
Verbal compliments that
express love and appreciation
"I love you"

PHYSICAL TOUCH
Non verbal use of body language and touch to show
love, connection and excitement

QUALITY TIME
Uninterrupted and undivided attention and time
shows someone that you care. Really engaging in
conversations is important

ACTS OF SERVICE
"Let me help you". Broken commitments
shows someone that they don't matter.

RECEIVING GIFTS
Thoughtfulness makes people feel like a
priority
and special
 COLLUSION CYCLE
Collusion usually implies that some form of secret agreement has occurred in an effort to deceive
others. So how does this relate to couples and relationships?
In the context of relationships it might be refereed to as a subconscious, repetitive pattern of
dysfunctional behavior between both parties. You might be surprised to learn that you have been
unintentionally engaging in sabotaging your relationship, while justifying your own perceptions
and behaviors.

Use this worksheet to help breakdown your own behavior and perceptions the next time there is
conflict within your relationship. It might help you look at things from a more helpful angle.

I SEE I DO

My perception of others -
My behavior in relation to
Distorted by my own
my distorted perceptions.
mental filters

THEY DO THEY SEE

Their behavior in reaction to Their perception of me and

my behavior and their my behavior - distorted by
cognitive filters. their cognitive filters.

@counsellorcronan
 COLLUSION CYCLE
EXAMPLE
Have a look at this example where a feedback loop results in a self-fulfilling
prophecy.

How do you stop the cycle?

Energy and perceptions need to be focused on the “I see” and “I do” boxes.Shift
your perceptions of the "selfish" and "careless" partner to something more benign
like “exhausted” , “distracted,” or “in need of a break” and you may find that
ongoing interaction is likely to be more supportive and reciprocated.

I SEE I DO

My partner disengaged with I get mad and remind him of

the family, coming home
from work and sitting on the
couch. not bothering to offer
any help with the chores
around the house or with the
dinner preparation.
all the things I have been
doing all day and that I am
not his slave. I passively
aggressively say " I hope your
enjoying your time on the
couch".

THEY DO THEY SEE

Disengages with the family
and partner even more,
feeling that no matter what I
do, nothing will be right.
A nagging partner that is
always mad about something.
Nothing seems to be right no
matter how hard I have
worked all day. No
appreciation for what I do.

@counsellorcronan
 MY PARTNERS STRENGTHS
Remember when you first started your relationship and all you could find was positive things
to say about your partner and their qualities and strengths? Unfortunately, over time these
strengths can be easily over looked and taken advantage of.
This is a mindful exercise to consciously appreciate your partners strengths and qualities and
deepen your connection with each other.

Circle the strengths that you partner displays

HONESTY APPRECIATIVE RELIABLE ADVENTUROUS EQUALITY

RESPECT FAIR ORGANISED DIVERSE INSPIRED

COMPASSIONATE BRAVE COMMITTED DETERMINED SELFLESS

MINDFUL WISE TRANSPARENT PRODUCTIVE LOVING

CURIOUS INTELLIGENT CLEAN FUN CARING

FORGIVING MOTIVATED ETHICAL STRONG TOLERANT

LOYAL SUPPOTIVE TRADITIONAL GIVING LOGICAL

CONFIDENT OPTIMISTIC PRESENT AUTHENTIC SPIRITUAL

GRATITUDE ENTHUSIASTIC PERFECTION AMBITIOUS NURTURING

LEADERSHIP MODEST DEDICATED REFLECTIVE DISCIPLINED

PATIENT STABLE PASSIONATE SUCCESFUL FLEXIBLE

Choose 2 of your partners greatest strengths and write about a positive time when they
displayed this strength.

MEMORY 1:

MEMORY 2:
 EXPLORING US
THINGS WE ARE GOOD AT THINGS WE NEED TO
IMPROVE ON

WHAT WE LIKE ABOUT US CHALLENGES WE HAVE

OVERCOME

OUR GOALS FOR OUR WE HAVE FUN WHEN

FUTURE

OUR BIGGEST THINGS THAT MAKE US

ACCOMPLISHMENTS UNIQUE
 OUR BUCKET LIST
1. 26.
2. 27.
3. 28.
4. 29.
5. 30.
6. 31.
7. 32.
8. 33.
9. 34.
10. 35.
11. 36.
12. 37.
13. 38.
14. 39.
15. 40.
16. 41.
17. 42.
18. 43.
19. 44.
20. 45.
21. 46.
22. 47.
23. 48.
24. 49.
25. 50.
 ACCEPTANCE
THINGS ABOUT MY PARTNER THAT I THINGS ABOUT MYSELF THAT I FIND
FIND IT HARD TO ACCEPT IT HARD TO ACCEPT

THINGS ABOUT MY PARTNER THAT I THINGS ABOUT MYSELF THAT I AM

AM STILL LEARNING TO ACCEPT STILL LEARNING TO ACCEPT

THINGS ABOUT MY PARTNER THAT I THINGS ABOUT MYSELF THAT I I

I HAVE LEARNT TO ACCEPT HAVE LEARNT TO ACCEPT

THINGS ABOUT MY PARTNER THAT I THINGS ABOUT MYSELF THAT I I

I VALUE AND RESPECT VALUE AND RESPECT
 TASKS DIVIDER
Below are some words that describe some of the tasks or chores that couples need to
complete either weekly or on a day to day basis. Some boxes have been left blank for
you to add your own.
Many couples fight over house hold tasks and more commonly one partner often feels
that they do more of the tasks.
This is a visual task, so that you can both see who is doing what tasks and how you can
divide them up between the two of you.
Use 2 different colours to highlight which task belongs to whom.

Vacuuming Making the Doing the Cleaning the Cooking

bed laundry dishes

Doing the food Dusting Mopping the Cleaning the Cleaning the
shopping floors shower toilet

Mangaing Paying bills Ironing Gardening

Feeding the
finances
pets

Cleaning the Washing the Emptying the Cleaning the Watering the
pool sheets bins bins garden
 OUR WEEKLY TASKS LIST

FAMILY FAMILY FAMILY FAMILY

TASK MEMBER TASK MEMBER
MEMBER MEMBER
 Conflict Resolution
R.E.S.T
REST is a common conflict resolution tool that will help resolve issues
within relationships by breaking the problem down into 4 simple steps.

REVIEW

R Identify and state what the problem is.

EVALUATE OPTIONS TO HELP SOLVE THE PROBLEM

E
SOLVE THE PROBLEM

S Choose one of the options and put it into action

TRACK PROGRESS

T Set a time between three to two weeks to review the

problem.
 Interpersonal effectiveness skill

G.I.V.E
The worksheet will utilize GIVE skills to teach you how to avoid conflict
in a relationship. It will help guide you to be genuine, maintain interest,
to validate, and to have an easy manner when trying to avoid and resolve
conflict.

G
GENTLE
Be more gentle and treat the other person with
respect. Don’t threaten, attack or express judgment
during your interactions with other people.

I
INTERESTED
Listen and look interested in the other person. Show
interest in other people's point of view by listening
without interrupting.

V
VALIDATE
Show other people that you understand by validating
their thoughts and feelings. Try to recognise when you
are demanding, and respect their opinions.

EASY MANNER

E Be light hearted, smile and show an easy manner by

using a little humour. leave your attitude at the door.
 SELF CARE
Self care simply means looking after of yourself physically and mentally and it is essential
to your relationship because it allows you to bring a more balanced, present and happy self
to a relationship will garner more connection.

If you and your partner can practice self care, you will be more understanding, loving and
accepting of yourselves, all of which are essential qualities for a long lasting healthy
relationship.

EAT 3 HEALTHY MEALS HAVE A SOCIAL MEDIA DETOX

7+ HOURS OF SLEEP ASK FOR A HUG

DRINK FRESH WATER SPEND TIME WITH FAMILY

GET FRESH AIR DO A HOBBY

PRACTICE MINDFULNESS WRITE IN YOUR JOURNAL

WRITE DOWN 3 THINGS SAY 5 THINGS YOU

YOU ARE GRATEFUL FOR LOVE ABOUT YOURSELF

BRUSH YOUR TEETH DO SOME EXERCISE

HAVE A WARM SHOWER WASH YOUR HAIR

MAKE YOUR BED HAVE A CUPPA

READ A BOOK DO NOTHING- ENJOY THE PEACE

LISTEN TO MUSIC TRY SOMETHING NEW

SPEND TIME WITH FRIENDS DO SOME COLOURING IN

DECLUTTER A SMALL SPACE MAKE YOUR FAVOURITE FOOD

 THE FOUR HORSEMEN AND
THEIR ANTIDOTES
The four horsemen and their antidotes is a concept that highlights 4 common behavior and
communication patters (horsemen) that are toxic to relationships. If left unchecked they can
become a normal and regular way of communicating to one another that will eventually destroy
your relationship.
The antidotes is a way that these behaviors can be reversed and heal pain through mutual care,
compassion and connection, thus they eliminate the toxic effects and create genuine empathy
within your relationship.

CRITICISM GENTLE START UP

Verbally attacking personality and
character. Address the specific behavior without
Your partner feels verbally assaulted or blame or attacking. Talk about your
rejected. feelings, use "I" statements to express
your positive need.

CONTEMPT BUILD A CULTURE

Disrespect, belittling or name calling. OF APPRECIATION
Partner feels small and worthless. Remind yourself of your partner's
positive qualities, find gratitude in
positive actions. Attempt to understand
your partners point of view.

TAKE
DEFENSIVENESS
Victimizing yourself to reverse the
RESPONSIBILITY
blame. Take responsibility for the ways that
you may have contributed to the
Partner feels unheard and unimportant. conflict.
Accept your partners perspective, offer
an apology if you were in the wrong.

STONEWALLING PHYSIOLOGICAL
Withdrawing to avoid conflict, going SELF SOOTHING
silent during important discussions.
Take a break, spend that time doing
Partner feels rejected and abandoned. something peaceful and soothing.

Explain to your partner that you need to

take a calm break from the conflict.
 COGNITIVE RESTRUCTURING
CATCH AND RESTRUCTURE YOUR THOUGHTS

THOUGHTS RELATED COGNITIVE

EVENT TO THE EVENT RESTRUCTURING

"If I put in a little bit more

EXAMPLE: You "I'm so dumb, I'll work and ask the teacher
failed your math test probably fail all of for feedback, then I can
my tests" improve my grades".
 IDENTIFY YOUR PATTERN
Spot the triggers and change your destructive thoughts

ACTION/ RESULT/
SETTING/EVENT TRIGGER
RESPONSE CONSEQUENCE
 CONFLICT TRIGGERS
WHEN THIS HAPPENS

THIS IS WHAT I THINK THIS IS WHAT I FEEL

WHAT I CAN DO IN THIS EVENT TO HELP REDUCE CONFLICT

 30 DAY COUPLE CHALLENGE

CHALLENGE

1 2 3 4 5

6 7 8 9 10

11 12 13 14 15

16 17 18 19 20

21 22 23 24 25

26 27 28 29 30
 MONTHLY PLANNER

MONTH YEAR

MON TUE WED THU FRI SAT SUN

 PROBLEM SOLVING WORKSHEET
DEFINE THE PROBLEM IN DETAIL. WHO, WHAT, WHERE, WHEN, HOW AND WHY?

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO CHANGE?

WHAT SOLUTION DID YOU USE AND WAS IT EFFECTIVE. IF SO, HOW?

HOW WAS YOUR SOLUTION NOT EFFECTIVE? WHY?

HOW COULD YOU HANDLE THE PROBLEM BETTER NEXT TIME?

 WHAT ARE BOUNDARIES?
Boundaries are simply the limits, rules or lines we set for our own personal
comfort. Boundaries are a set of guidelines that are both physical and
mental that are established to help protect ourselves when we are around
other people and in relationships.

Having healthy boundaries is an important personal skill that will help you
thrive and communicate your needs. It is vital to set limits so that others
don't take advantage or manipulate you. A person with strong personal
boundaries will feel comfortable in saying 'no' when they are asked to do
something that they are not comfortable in doing, without feeling the need
to apologise.

Everyone's boundaries are different, so once you set yours it

shows others how you expect them to behave around you and vice versa.

TYPES OF
BOUNDARIES
EMOTIONAL PHYSICAL
-Thoughts, feelings, - Personal space
values, beliefs - Body
- How much you are - Privacy
willing to share

VERBAL SEXUAL
- How you allow
others to talk BOUNDARIES -Giving consent Sexual
to you touch
- What you feel is - Intimacy and
appropriate to desires
discuss
TIME MATERIAL
-Limits on energy given to - Giving or lending things
other - Your financials
people - Monetary
decisions
- How you manage your
time
 FINDING THE SWEET SPOT
By now, you are familiar with the concept of boundaries, the imaginary line that separates you from others.
However, finding the right balance with personal boundaries can be difficult and a work in progress for many
people.

Personal limits of boundaries can be divided into three different categories, rigid (hard), porous (soft) and healthy
(the right balance between the other 2).

Individuals with porous boundaries find it hard to say no to people and often feel mistreated and taken advantage
of.
On the other hand, individuals that constantly have a wall up and don't allow people to get close to them have
hard, rigid boundaries.

Understanding your own boundaries is important as it allows you to be assertive, protects you from being
mistreated and helps you develop meaningful relationships. If you are able to recognize your boundaries as either
soft or rigid, you can adjust them and move them in the right direction to find the right balance that works for
you.

RIGID POROUS HEALTHY

- DOESN'T ASK FOR HELP - FINDS IT DIFFICULT TO - VALUES THEIR OWN

SAY "NO" OPINIONS
- AVOIDS CLOSE
RELATIONSHIPS - OVERSHARES TOO
- DOESN'T COMPROMISE
MUCH PERSONAL
THEIR OWN VALUES FOR
- CLOSED OFF INFORMATION
OTHERS
- TOO INVOLVED IN OTHER
- SEEMS DETACHED PEOPLES PROBLEMS
FROM OTHERS - SHARES PERSONAL
INFORMATION
- PROTECTIVE OF - ACCEPTS DISRESPECT APPROPRIATELY
THEMSELVES AND
PERSONAL INFORMATION
- DEPENDENT ON OTHER
PEOPLES OPINIONS - IS COMFORTABLE IN
- HAS ONLY A FEW CLOSE SAYING "NO" AND
RELATIONSHIPS - FEELS RESPONSIBLE FOR ACCEPTS "NO" FROM
OTHER PEOPLES HAPPINESS OTHERS
 BOUNDARY QUESTIONNAIRE
NO SOMETIMES YES
I ALLOW THE MOODS OF OTHER PEOPLE TO INFLUENCE MY MOOD

I SAY YES TO PEOPLE BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SAY "NO"

OTHER PEOPLE'S OPINIONS ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN MY OWN

I FEEL LIKE CERTAIN PEOPLE TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME

I FIND IT HARD KNOWING WHAT MY TRUE VALUES, BELIEFS AND MORALS ARE

SOME PEOPLE MAKE ME FEEL POWERLESS

PEOPLE CAN RELY ON ME, NO MATTER WHAT IS GOING ON IN MY LIFE

I OVER SHARE INTIMATE DETAILS OF MYSELF WHEN I FIRST MEET PEOPLE

I WOULD RATHER HELP OTHERS THAN THEM HELP ME

I FEEL LIKE I AM THE ONE THAT PUTS IN ALL THE EFFORT IN MY RELATIONSHIPS

I STAY IN RELATIONSHIPS AND FRIENDSHIPS WITH PEOPLE THAT CONTINUE TO HURT ME

I MAKE EXCUSES FOR OTHER PEOPLE'S ACTIONS

I FEEL GUILTY WHEN I SAY "NO"

I GET ANXIOUS WHEN I MEET NEW PEOPLE

I OFTEN FEEL SORRY FOR OTHER PEOPLE

I TRUST EVERYBODY I MEET

I FIND IT HARD TO MAKE DECISIONS

I FEEL LIKE I GET TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF IN CERTAIN SITUATIONS

I NEVER GET THINGS BACK WHEN I LEND THEM TO OTHERS

I EXPECT THAT OTHERS WILL UNDERSTAND MY NEEDS EVEN IF I HAVEN'T EXPRESSED THEM

I OFTEN FEEL LIKE I HAVE NO CHOICE

I FIND IT HARD TO MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH PEOPLE

I FIND IT HARD TO TRUST MY OWN INTUITIONS AND GUT FEELINGS

TOTAL NUMBER FOR EACH CATEGORY

NO RECEIVES 2 POINTS, 1 FOR SOMETIMES AND O FOR YES. WRITE YOUR TOTAL SCORE HERE

0 - 13 - NO BOUNDARIES. YOU NEED TO WORK ON YOUR BOUNDARIES.

14 - 27 - INTERMEDIATE BOUNDARIES. YOU ARE SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDDLE. SOME BOUNDARIES
NEED ATTENDING TO.
28- 42 - HEALTHY BOUNDARIES. YOU HAVE CLEAR WELL DEFINED BOUNDARIES.
 WAYS I CAN IMPROVE MY BOUNDARIES

LIMITS What is acceptable to you and what isn't?

WAYS I CAN IMPROVE MY BOUNDARIES

VALUES Your limits are often determined by your values, what are your top values?

ASSERTIVE How can you communicate your needs?

RESPECT FOR SELF Are you putting other peoples needs before your own?
How can you show yourself more self respect?

RESPECT FOR OTHERS Are your boundaries only self serving and hurting your relationships with
others? Is there a way you can reconsider your boundaries without sacrificing
your needs?

SELF AWARENESS Do you listen to your feelings? Has there been a time that you felt
uncomfortable but didn't listen to your feelings?
 COGNITIVE DISTORTIONS
Cognitive distortions are thinking styles that our mind uses to convince us of one thing, when in reality it’s
completely untrue. The inaccurate thoughts are used to reinforce negative thinking patterns.
They are biased perspectives we take on unknowingly and reinforce over time.
These patterns of thoughts are often subtle and difficult to recognize, especially when they become a regular
feature of your everyday thinking. That is why they can be so damaging because it’s hard to change
something when you don’t realize that it needs to be changed.

Mental Filter Catastrophising

Only paying attention to some types of Only seeing the worst possible outcome of an
evidence. event or situation. Worries become escalated
Focusing on your failures while avoiding to and thoughts become exaggerated.
see your success.

Jumping to conclusions Overgeneralising

Assuming that you know what other people
are thinking.
Predicting the future.
The process of concluding that just because
something happened to you once before, it will
occur over and over again. It is negative
thinking based on only 1 or 2 experiences.

Emotional Reasoning Black and White

Believing that just because you
feel a certain way then justifying
that your thoughts must then be
true.
Seeing things as either good or bad, right or
wrong or all or nothing. It fails to see the
whole picture and by only seeing black or
white you ignore the middle ground, possible
the more reasonable ground.

Labelling Should Statements

Putting labels on yourself and others. Believing that things should be a certain way.
Using 'should', 'must' or 'ought' statements
-"I'm unloveable" directed at yourself. This thinking results in
- "They are an idiot" feelings of guilt, shame and self loathing.

Blaming
Placing the blame on other people
instead of owning up to your mistakes
or sharing the responsibility. Taking on
the victim mentality.
Personalisation
Taking things personally and thinking that
what other people do is a result of your
own actions. You may blame yourself for
things that were totally out of your control.
 HABIT TRACKER
MONTH

NOTES
 EXAMPLE HABIT TRACKER
MONTH April

Exercise
Meditate
Cook a healthy meal
Make my bed

NOTES
 HOW ARE YOU COMMUNICATING?
Using assertive communication means you are able to express how you
feel in a clear, direct and respectful way. When you are assertive you
express your thoughts and feelings and stand up for yourself without
being aggressive or putting anyone else down. Communicating in an
assertive manner can help you minimise conflict and resolve issues more
effectively, whilst empowering yourself.

3 styles of communication have been identified and all of them can

resemble different animals because of their particular characteristics
and traits.
Let's have a look!

HIGH REGARD FOR SELF

ASSERTIVE AGGRESSIVE

- Speaking loudly
- Remaining calm
- Using 'you'
- Using 'I' statements

LOW REGARD FOR OTHERS

HIGH REGARD FOR OTHERS

statements
- Avoiding accusatory
- Demanding in use of
language
language
- Standing up for
- Interrupting others
yourself and others
- Blaming others
in a positive way
- Intimidating others

PASSIVE PASSIVE
AGGRESSIVE
- Unable to
effectively speak
- Using sarcasm
your opinions and
- Feelings and actions
thoughts
don't match up
- Feeling walked over
- Sabotaging or
by others
annoying others
- Needs are not being
- Avoiding
met
confrontation
- Becoming resentful
- Denying issues
of others

LOW REGARD FOR SELF

 ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION

"I" STATEMENTS
"I" statements are a great way to help solve conflict. when someone feels blamed for something, it
is easy to get defensive and emotional, the "I" statement formula is simple and effective in
communicating your feelings and needs.

1 "I FEEL...." 2 WHEN....

WHAT ARE MY FEELINGS? GENTLY DESCRIBE THE OTHER PERSON'S ACTIONS

3 BECAUSE... 4 "I NEED."

THE EFFECT OF THE BEHAVIOR ON YOU WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE THE OTHER PERSON TO DO
INSTEAD?

I CAN USE AN "I" STATEMENT TO EXPRESS HOW I FEEL

 THANK YOU

Thank you for shopping at my store and

supporting my business.

It is very much appreciated.

Remember you can now access 40% off.

Use code THANKYOU at the check out with

your next purchase.

Thank you

@counsellorcronan