Religious Freedom Supreme Court Case

Religion: Pastafarianism

The Flying Spaghetti Monster v. Board of Education:

Government is reimbursing religious schools. FSM religion is not receiving any money.
They say the government is alienating them by not giving them money. Religious
discrimination.

Prosecutor (FSM): Michael

Defendant (BoE): Phillip
Witnesses: Dinneen, Tara, Jessica

Opening statement (FSM) Michael: Over the course of the past year, the township of Santa Fe
(sang) has been reimbursing private schools run by religious organizations. The Church of the
Flying Spaghetti Monster, Which has been recognized the Plnd, Netherlands, Aus, and Nw
Zlnd, does not run a school due to its religious beliefs. Therefore, Santa Fe (sang) is violating
the first amendment by funding religious schools without funding all religions. In 1947, this court
ruled in a similar case, Everson v. Board of Education, that since the reimbursements were
made directly to parents and not to any religious institution, the reimbursements were
constitutional. However, in this case, the remuneration was given to the schools. Thanks to
special ops intelligence, we don’t have a random Joe Schmo who traced the money, we have
evidence from the Special Agent Joe Schmo that money was paid to religious schools, while
FSM known as FSM, didn’t receive a dime.

Opening Statement (BoE) Philip:

The religion which the prosecutors have brought before the court today, the Church of the Flying
Spaghetti Monster otherwise known as FSM, will be proven today to be a sham. FSM has
demanded that the government support the funding of a religion which is not recognized in the
United States, claiming that somehow the town of Santa Fe (sung) is restricting the first
amendment rights of those who practice this religion. Furthermore, the Church of the Flying
Spaghetti Monster does not currently have any schools for which they can be reimbursed.
However, since Pastafarianism is not an actual religion, it cannot receive any funding.

First Prosecutor witness

Michael: If it pleases the court, I would like to ask Nancy Henderson to the stand.
(Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?)
Witness: I do.
M: Please state your name to the court.
W: Nancy Henderson
M: Mrs. Henderson do you believe in the FSM?
W: Do I believe in the great creator who boiled for our sins? I most certainly do.
M: Would you consider Pastafarianism a religion?
W: By the great noodling creator, I do.
M: Are you aware that the township of Santa Fe(sung) is reimbursing certain private religious
schools and not religions without private schools?
W: I do.
M: Do you believe that this action which the town of Santa Fe (Sung) has taken is
constitutional?
W: Definitely NOT! My heart hangs heavy that such a respectable city as Santa Fe (Sung) can
reject and ignore the saucy truth.*sob*It’s not a joke. Elements of our religion are sometimes
described as satire and there are many members who do not literally believe our scripture, but
this isn’t unusual in religion. A lot of Christians don’t believe the Bible is literally true – but that
doesn’t mean they aren’t True Christians.
M: Your honor, I have no further questions at this time. Would the defendant like to cross-
examine?

Cross-examination
 Phillip: Yes I would. Mrs. Henderson, what year was Pastafarianism created?
 Witness: The Flying Spaghetti Monster revealed himself to the modern world, to my
beloved husband in 2005 in the beautiful state of Kansas. But the first known believers
were the pirates. (That’s why the Pittsburgh Pirates are my favorite baseball team)
 P: Who do you believe created the world?
 W: Why his noodliness, the Flying Spaghetti Monster himself of course. Who else could
have?
 P: Do you worship, what did you say, his noodliness?
 W: Yes, all those who follow true religion do.
 Philip: And what are your beliefs on pirates?
 Witness: We believe that the pirates of the past were good, kind-hearted explores we
believe pirates are divine beings and the original Pastafarians. Pirates’ image as “thieves
and outcasts” is misinformation spread by horrible, impudent Christian theologians in the
Middle Ages. Pirates were wonderful, caring, peace-loving explorers and spreaders of
good will who distributed candy to small children.
 P: I know that Pastafarianists have a unique view on global warming. Could you share
those views with the court?
 W: Of course! *fake happy high pitched voice* We believe that global warming,
earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking
numbers of pirates since the 1800s. As the number of these kind, loving pirates
decreases global temperatures increase.
 P: That all have to ask. Thank you, your honor.

First Defendant witness

 Philip: Your honor may I summon my first witness? Thank you. I would like to call Delilah
Crawne to the stand. Please state your name to the court.
 Delilah Crawne: Delilah Crawne.
 P: And where are you from?
 D: New York City.
 P: (Pulls out Uke) Hey there Delilah, what’s it’s like in NYC?
 D: I’ve heard that so many times.
 P: And what are your credentials Mrs. Crawne?
 D: I am a religious scholar and have studied all types of religions for 15 years. Pretty
much my entire life. (Ba dum tss)
 P: So you would consider yourself an expert on religions?
 D: Absolutely, I studied in Santa Fe (sung) and got my one and the only doctorate in
Religious Science at Unofficial New Mexican College (UNMC).
 P: Would you please define the word “religion?”
  D: The Supreme Court has previously stated: “The term religion has reference to one’s
views of his relations to his Creator, and to the obligations, they impose of reverence for
his being and character, and of obedience to his will”
 P: According to these guidelines, would you consider Pastafarianism a religion?
 D: It is a parody religion.
 P: Please explain further.
 D: Of course.

Delilah Cross-examination
Michael: May I cross-examine the witness? Thank you.
M: Just to be clear, do you believe Pastafarianism is a religion?
Delilah: It is a parody religion.
M: A religion is a religion no matter how parodical.
D: Yes but-
M: No further questions at this time
CX - Jessica
 Michael: Your honor I wish to introduce another witness. Would Georgia Springs please
come to the witness stand. Please state your name
 Georgia: Georgia Springs.
 M: And what is your connection with Pastafarianism?
 G: I am a recent teenage convert to FSM who’s noodly appendage is deeply intertwined
in the fate of this giant pasta pot of the world.
 M: Do you generally feel discriminated because of your religious beliefs?
 G: Ugh, totally. It’s like super unfair. Like, life is horrible and everything you know what I
mean? I just wanna play Fortnite for 2 weeks straight. Ya know like a fortnight. (Ba dum
tss)
 M:I rest my case!

Clearly, in order to determine whether or not it is constitutional for the government of the U.S. to
fund religious schools without funding a Pastafarianism program, it must be determined whether
or not Pastafarianism is a religion.