1

Pear Submission & Comments

Business Writing

__________________________________________________

Smarthinking Reviewer Response Form

I’m Jeanette F., and I look forward to working with you today. I have written comments about your submission in the form below
and embedded comments directly into your work.

Thank you for choosing us to help you improve your workplace writing. Let's begin!

What’s Working:

The introduction includes background information on the extent of mental illness in Canada and the lack of treatment for it, which
helps the reader understand why it is an issue. Good job!

What Needs Work:

I’ve chosen three priorities to focus on as you revise.

Overall Focus/Cohesion

However, your introduction could have a more specific main idea:

● The issue is related to a recessionary gap in mental health services available publicly, and the approach we need to take
to fix this is through fiscal changes to the federal budget.

Consider including a more specific main idea about what recommendations your policy brief is proposing to address the issue. What
three programs, or recommendations, do you discuss in your policy brief? For instance, I might include the following main idea for a
similar essay on the housing crisis:

The shortage of housing and high cost of housing have affected Canadians detrimentally; to address the issue, the
government of Canada should incentivise construction companies to build more homes, restrict foreign ownership, and invest
in redevelopment of existing buildings.

Notice that the thesis has a main idea that includes the main recommendations to address the housing crisis.

Content Development

Since you are required to write a backgrounder that gives the most important information (economic facts and theories) that the
minister of finance needs to know as she creates a federal budget, you could make greater reference to economic theory in your
policy brief.

You could reference theory in the solution (recommendations) section of your draft: What does the theory say? What are its
implications for the budget? How does it bring clarity to your discussion on mental health?

Make sure you apply theory to your discussion of this topic.

Organization/Formatting

Under the heading “Suggested Programs: Budget Improvements to Target the Mental Health and Well-Being of Canadians, consider
developing subheadings for each recommendation as this will make it easier for readers to follow your policy brief.

For instance, you could include a subheading for the first section, such as “Improve Service Success Rates for Canadians under 30.”
You could then include a subheading for the second section that focuses on “increasing the number of certified professionals,” and a
third subheading for your recommendation that the government invest in incentives to train more mental health medical personnel.

Revision Checklist:

● Develop a more specific main idea.

● Ensure you have integrated economic theory in your discussion.
● Add subheadings in the recommendations section.

Thank you for your submission! I enjoyed reviewing it and wish you the best of luck with your revision.

You can find more information about writing, grammar, and usage in ourWriter’s Handbook. Please look for comments [in bold
and in brackets] in your submission below. We hope to work with you again soon!
 2

PEAR Writing Assignment

Policy Brief: The Importance of Enacting Policy Changes to Improve the Mental Health and
Well-Being of Canadians

Introduction: Outlining Key Economic Issues

Since the impact of COVID-19, our society has learned to alter our ways of care. Economically and more specifically, medically,
we have seen so many changes made to systems that have been in place for decades, in a matter of months. Canada’s universal
healthcare system suffered immense pressure from COVID-19 and is still amid recovery. As we navigated change, it highlighted
problems in a specific area of our system that failed many Canadians. Long wait times for almost all healthcare programs had the
system at its breaking point, a similar feeling for most Canadians awaiting medical treatment.

Research from UNICEF revealed in 2021 that more than 1 in 7 adolescents aged 10 to 19 are estimated to be undiagnosed with a
mental disorder globally . Furthermore, only 2 % of world-wide government health budgets are allocated to mental health. In
[1]

Ontario alone, mental illness related disorders take up approximately 11-15% of the total disease burden with only 7% of the
allocated budget . There is an obvious gap in funding.
[2]

The costs to society related to mental illness in Canada are estimated to run over $50 billion annually, includes healthcare costs,
productivity lost in the workplace, and thus the reduction in health-related quality of life . The government has recognized the
[3]

cause of the pandemic and mental health related issues, subsidizing certain programs to improve happiness and well-being in
Canadians. In most cases, more freedom leads to more happiness, and happiness and income are interconnected . [< Consider
[4]

introducing your sources with signal phrases, for example, According to Brown and Smith, more ....] With higher measures
of Human Development and productivity the economy thrives, but post COVID-19, this has been a pressing issue. [< Consider
referencing economic theory here. Where did you obtain this information on how the economy thrives when there are
higher measures of human development and productivity?]

With copious amounts of evidence that 1 in 5 Canadians are affected by mental illness in a given year , why has the federal
[5]

government not allowed all mental health services to be a part of Canada’s publicly funded universal healthcare system? This
shortage of services is ongoing, and the impact has been recognized with an increase in funding for mental health related causes,
but I believe the allocation could be changed to better the development of society, and productivity of the economy.

Though each province and territory have their own separate system, the Federal Government of Canada is responsible for
supplying funding to each system. [< Check that your subject and verb agree in number. Since "each" refers to one provide
and one territory, revise the plural verb "have" so that it is singular.] Responsibility also falls on setting and administering
national standards for the healthcare system through the Canada Health Act, and providing tax support for health-related costs,
and tax credits for disability, medical expenses, caregivers and disabled dependents, and so on . Access to evidence-based
[6]

psychotherapy programs, such as those almost completely publicly funded in Australia , have seen positive outcomes
[7]

economically and socially. A $2 return for every dollar invested, and Improved health outcomes associated with reduced
hospitalizations, fewer suicide attempts, and fewer suicides , benefitted millions. A 2022 report detailed that many Canadians
[8]
 3

relied on employee benefits and paying out-of-pocket for private mental healthcare services ensuring faster, more reliable
support. This totaled over $1 billion .
[9]

2022-23 Federal budgets have stressed the importance of mental health support, and an increase in funding, but evidence in the
population of Canadians shows that funding could be shifted and used more intuitively to further benefit the population.
Budgetary matters are fiscal policy, and what a government prioritizes in its annual budget tells you a lot about a government .[10]

The issue is related to a recessionary gap in mental health services available publicly, and the approach we need to take to fix this
is through fiscal changes to the federal budget.

Current Programs: What’s working for Canadian’s Mental Health

The Canadian government noticed the spike in mental health related illness and in four weeks constructed an online portal for
Canadians to access mental health services virtually amidst the pandemic and lockdowns.[< Be sure to hyphenate compound
adjectives, for example, "long-term goals." What revision will you make to "health related" since it modifies the noun
"illness?"] Since its successful launch in 2020, the Federal Budget has allocated $140 million over 2022-23 towards the
‘Wellness Together Portal’ . With over 1.2 million users in the first year, this has been a helpful tool for many Canadians that
[11]

experience long wait times for service, to fill the gap for mental healthcare. This has shown much success and promise among
young Canadians, with nearly 50% of the users being under the age of 30 . [12]

Suggested Programs: Budget Improvements to Target the Mental Health and Well-Being of Canadians

As shown by the statistics of the Wellness Together Portal, the Canadians most affected are young adults and adolescents under
30. Focusing on improving service success rates for this population is most important due to the impact they will have entering
the workforce and future unemployment rates. Young Canadians make up a very large portion of those accessing mental health
programs breaking stigmas and valuing self-care and rehabilitation. University students are among this age group and with
newfound independence, stress and anxiety services are often overwhelmed or not easily accessible without referral or previous
diagnoses. By the time Canadians reach 40 years of age, 1 in 2 have or have had experience with mental illness . This
[13]

demographic currently occupies 50% of Canada’s population and generationally prefers traditional in-person services.
[14]

Increasing the number of certified professionals that are available to university campuses, and other establishments would help
take some weight off the overwhelmed sectors. Targeting this issue will ultimately increase wellbeing by decreasing wait times,
increasing patients that can be seen, and improving the mental health of Canadians overall. Catering to all Canadians is difficult
as we carry a diverse portfolio of citizens, thus, having option between forms of counselling should be available, not just because
one is free, and currently available, and one is not.

[Consider whether you have made sufficient reference to economic theory in this section.]

Allocating part of the budget directed to the Wellness Portal, to creating incentives and subsidies for programs to train and
educate more mental health specialized medical personal could slowly take strain off the healthcare system, and ensure more
Canadians have access to mental health services in the future.

If Canadians can access more services, and save on private care, the multiplier effect will increase spending in other areas of the
[15]

economy. Fiscal policy changes to create this program will ultimately help the Canadian economy, starting with healing the
workers that run the country.

Conclusion: Supported Mental Health will help the Canadian economy recover and proper post COVID-19
 4

For most Canadians the change in society with increased mental health services and supports are not noticeable by the eye, but
through analyzing economic data, the multiplier effect will prevail. We can noticeably see increases in productivity, income,
happiness, and overall well-being through economic analyzing of GDP over consecutive periods, and increased spending through
consumers, firms, government and foreign trade . [16]

The federal government has taken initiative to take the burden off the healthcare system with a virtual platform but could be
doing more to take the burden off the public sector and save Canadians Billions in private costs. As the world bounces back from
the effects of COVID-19, the federal government could be creating programs to incentivize education and training in mental
health related fields to ensure no one goes without care in the future. If the Government of Canada cares about the mental health
of its people as they say they do, they will do more to create less barrier to services and provide more options to the people that
need them.

[1]

https://www.unicef.ca/en/press-release/impact-covid-19-poor-mental-health-children-and-young-people-tip-iceberg-unicef?ea.tracking.id=20DIAQ01OTE
&19DIAQ02OTE=&gclid=CjwKCAiAu5agBhBzEiwAdiR5tEfYzfYvef7_Z2AWnoiI5vgGrl6KzW0T6n55MrVOqZMBU5mecDaIrRoC32AQAvD_BwE
[2]

https://www.camh.ca/en/driving-change/the-crisis-is-real/mental-health-statistics#:~:text=However%2C%20it%20only%20receives%20about%207%25%2
0of%20health%20care%20dollars.&text=The%20Mental%20Health%20Strategy%20for,health%20to%209%25%20by%202022.
[3]

https://www.camh.ca/en/driving-change/the-crisis-is-real/mental-health-statistics#:~:text=However%2C%20it%20only%20receives%20about%207%25%2
0of%20health%20care%20dollars.&text=The%20Mental%20Health%20Strategy%20for,health%20to%209%25%20by%202022.

[4]
DPE Chapter 3, Measure for Measure. Page 17.
[5]

[6]
https://www.canada.ca/en/health-canada/services/canada-health-care-system.html

[7]
https://www.aihw.gov.au/mental-health/topic-areas/expenditure

[8]
https://www.actformentalhealth.ca/wp-content/uploads/2022/11/AfMH-White-Paper-EN-FINAL.pdf

[9]
Ibid.
[10]
DPE Chapter 11, Policy Matters.
[11]
https://www.budget.canada.ca/2022/report-rapport/chap6-en.html#2022-2
[12]

https://www.thestar.com/news/canada/2021/05/08/a-national-online-mental-health-portal-had-12-million-users-in-its-first-year-is-wellness-together-canada
-here-to-stay.html
[13]

https://www.camh.ca/en/driving-change/the-crisis-is-real/mental-health-statistics#:~:text=However%2C%20it%20only%20receives%20about%207%25%2
0of%20health%20care%20dollars.&text=The%20Mental%20Health%20Strategy%20for,health%20to%209%25%20by%202022

[14]

https://www150.statcan.gc.ca/t1/tbl1/en/tv.action?pid=1710000501&pickMembers%5B0%5D=1.1&pickMembers%5B1%5D=2.1&cubeTimeFrame.startY
ear=2022&cubeTimeFrame.endYear=2022&referencePeriods=20220101%2C20220101

[15]
DPE Chapter 11, Policy Matters.
[16]
DPE Chapter 5, An Assortment of Gross Products.
 5

Finalized Policy Brief

Policy Brief
Supporting the Well-Being of Canadians
Post-COVID19: Increasing Productivity in
the Canadian Economy by Filling the Gap in
Mental Health Services
 6

Introduction: Outlining Key Economic Issues Associated with Mental Illness

Since the impact of COVID-19, our society has learned to alter our ways of care.
Economically and more specifically, medically, we have seen so many changes made to systems
that have been in place for decades, in a matter of months. Canada’s universal healthcare system
suffered immense pressure from COVID-19 and is still amid recovery. As we navigated change,
it highlighted problems in a specific area of our system that failed many Canadians. Long wait
times for almost all healthcare programs had the system at its breaking point, a similar feeling for
most Canadians awaiting medical treatment. There are various opportunities to reallocate the
federal government's budget with mental health-related programs, both beneficial to the
government and the population of this country. Funding more in-person services to eliminate
private costs, Incentivizing students to specialize in a mental health-related field, and increasing
available professionals at Universities in Canada, will overall increase well-being and happiness,
leading to higher productivity in the workforce, more spending and a thriving economy.

Costs are Adding Up:

The costs to society related to mental illness in Canada are estimated to run over $50
billion annually, including healthcare costs, productivity lost in the workplace, and thus the
reduction in health-related quality of life1. The government has recognized the cause of the
pandemic and mental health related issues, subsidizing certain programs to improve happiness
and well-being in Canadians. In most cases, more freedom leads to more happiness, and
happiness and income are interconnected2. As Chapter 3, ‘Measure for Measure’, in Dinner Party
Economics mentions, higher measures of Human Development and productivity are connected to
human happiness, and as we return to normality post-COVID19, we must find a way to get there.

Evidence Suggesting Change: Recognizing a Change in Needs Post-COVID19

1 Centre for Addiction and Mental Health. (2022). Mental Illness and Addiction: Facts and Statistics. CAMH.
https://www.camh.ca/en/driving-change/the-crisis-is-real/mental-health-statistics#:~:text=However%2C%20it%20only%20receives%20about%207%25%20of%2
0health%20care%20dollars.&text=The%20Mental%20Health%20Strategy%20for
2 Dinner Party Economics, Chapter 3 Measure for Measure, P.17
 7

Research from UNICEF revealed in 2021 that more than 1 in 7 adolescents aged 10 to 19
are estimated to be undiagnosed with a mental disorder globally3. Furthermore, only 2 % of
world-wide government health budgets are allocated to mental health. In Ontario alone, mental
illness related disorders take up approximately 11-15% of the total disease burden with only 7%
of the allocated budget4. There is an obvious gap in funding.

With copious amounts of evidence that 1 in 5 Canadians are affected by mental illness in
a given year5, why has the federal government not allowed all mental health services to be a part
of Canada’s publicly funded universal health care system? This shortage of services is ongoing,
and the impact has been recognized with an increase in funding for mental health related causes,
but I believe the allocation could be changed to better the development of society, and
productivity of the economy.

Australian Government Statistics Show Success in Investing in Mental Health:

Though all provinces and territories have their own separate systems, the Federal
Government of Canada is responsible for supplying funding to these systems. Responsibility also
falls on setting and administering national standards for the healthcare system through the
Canada Health Act, and providing tax support for health-related costs, and tax credits for
disability, medical expenses, caregivers and disabled dependents, and so on6. Access to
evidence-based psychotherapy programs, such as those almost completely publicly funded in
Australia7], have seen positive outcomes economically and socially. A $2 return for every dollar

3 Impact of COVID-19 on poor mental health in children and young people “tip of the iceberg” – UNICEF. (n.d.). UNICEF Canada : For Every Child. Retrieved

March 13, 2023, from

https://www.unicef.ca/en/press-release/impact-covid-19-poor-mental-health-children-and-young-people-tip-iceberg-unicef?ea.tracking.id=20DIAQ01OTE&19DI
AQ02OTE=&gclid=CjwKCAiAu5agBhBzEiwAdiR5tEfYzfYvef7_Z2AWnoiI5vgGrl6KzW0T6n55MrVOqZMBU5mecDaIrRoC32AQAvD_BwE

4 Centre for Addiction and Mental Health. (2022). Mental Illness and Addiction: Facts and Statistics. CAMH.
https://www.camh.ca/en/driving-change/the-crisis-is-real/mental-health-statistics#:~:text=However%2C%20it%20only%20receives%20about%207%25%20of%2
0health%20care%20dollars.&text=The%20Mental%20Health%20Strategy%20for

5 Centre for Addiction and Mental Health. (2022). Mental Illness and Addiction: Facts and Statistics. CAMH.
https://www.camh.ca/en/driving-change/the-crisis-is-real/mental-health-statistics#:~:text=However%2C%20it%20only%20receives%20about%207%25%20of%2
0health%20care%20dollars.&text=The%20Mental%20Health%20Strategy%20for

6 Government of Canada. (2016). Canada’s health care system - Canada.ca. Canada.ca.

https://www.canada.ca/en/health-canada/services/canada-health-care-system.html

7 Australian Government. (2021). Expenditure - Mental health - AIHW. Australian Institute of Health and Welfare.
https://www.aihw.gov.au/mental-health/topic-areas/expenditure
 8

invested, and Improved health outcomes associated with reduced hospitalizations, fewer suicide
attempts, and fewer suicides8, benefitted millions. A 2022 report detailed that many Canadians
relied on employee benefits and paying out-of-pocket for private mental healthcare services
ensuring faster, more reliable support. This totaled over $1 billion9.

2022-23 Federal budgets have stressed the importance of mental health support, and an
increase in funding, but evidence in the population of Canadians shows that funding could be
shifted and used more intuitively to further benefit the population. Budgetary matters are fiscal
policy, and what a government prioritizes in its annual budget tells you a lot about a government
10
. The issue is related to a recessionary gap in mental health services available publicly, and the
approach we need to take to fix this is through fiscal changes to the federal budget.

Current Success in Budgeting Mental Health Services:

The Federal Government of Canada noticed the upward trend in mental illness cases
amidst the pandemic and lockdowns, and in four weeks constructed an online portal for
Canadians to access mental health services virtually. Since its successful launch in 2020, the
Federal Budget has allocated $140 million over 2022-23 towards the ‘Wellness Together Portal’11
. With over 1.2 million users in the first year, this has been a helpful tool for many Canadians
that experience long wait times for service, to fill the gap for mental healthcare. This has shown
much success and promise among young Canadians, with nearly 50% of the users being under
the age of 3012.

8 Canadian Mental Health Association. (2022). FEDERAL PLAN FOR UNIVERSAL MENTAL HEALTH & SUBSTANCE USE HEALTH.
https://www.actformentalhealth.ca/wp-content/uploads/2022/11/AfMH-White-Paper-EN-FINAL.pdf
9 Ibid.
10 Dinner Party Economics, Chapter 11 - Policy Matters

11 Government of Canada, D. of F. (2022, April 7). Chapter 6: Strong Public Health Care | Budget 2022. Www.budget.canada.ca.
https://www.budget.canada.ca/2022/report-rapport/chap6-en.html#2022-2

12 Yousif, N. (2021, May 8). A national online mental health portal had 1.2 million users in its first year. Is Wellness Together Canada here to stay? Thestar.com.
https://www.thestar.com/news/canada/2021/05/08/a-national-online-mental-health-portal-had-12-million-users-in-its-first-year-is-wellness-together-canada-here-t
o-stay.html
 9

Future Success in Budgeting Mental Health Services for University Students:

As shown by the statistics of the Wellness Together Portal, the Canadians most affected
are young adults and adolescents under 30. Focusing on improving service success rates for this
population is most important due to the impact they will have entering the workforce and future
unemployment rates. Young Canadians make up a very large portion of those accessing mental
health programs breaking stigmas and valuing self-care and rehabilitation. University students
are among this age group and with newfound independence, stress and anxiety services are often
overwhelmed or not easily accessible without referral or previous diagnoses. By the time
Canadians reach 40 years of age, 1 in 2 have or have had experience with mental illness13. This
demographic currently occupies 50% of Canada’s population14 and generationally prefers
traditional in-person services.

Increasing the number of certified professionals that are available to university campuses,
and other establishments would help take some weight off the overwhelmed sectors. Targeting
this issue will ultimately increase wellbeing by decreasing wait times, increasing patients that
can be seen, and improving the mental health of Canadians overall. Catering to all Canadians is
difficult as we carry a diverse portfolio of citizens, thus, having options between forms of
counseling should be available, not just because one is free, and currently available, like the
Wellness Portal, and one is not.

Incentivizing Young Adults to Specialize in Mental Health-Related Fields:

Allocating part of the federal budget directed to the Wellness Portal, to create incentives
and subsidies for programs to train and educate more mental health specialized medical
personnel could slowly take strain off the healthcare system, and ensure more Canadians have
access to mental health services in the future. If Canadians can access more services, and save on

13 Centre for Addiction and Mental Health. (2022). Mental Illness and Addiction: Facts and Statistics. CAMH.
https://www.camh.ca/en/driving-change/the-crisis-is-real/mental-health-statistics#:~:text=However%2C%20it%20only%20receives%20about%207%25%20of%2
0health%20care%20dollars.&text=The%20Mental%20Health%20Strategy%20for

14 Government of Canada, S. C. (2022, July). Population estimates on July 1st, by age and sex. Www150.Statcan.gc.ca.

https://www150.statcan.gc.ca/t1/tbl1/en/tv.action?pid=1710000501&pickMembers%5B0%5D=1.1&pickMembers%5B1%5D=2.1&cubeTimeFrame.startYear=20
22&cubeTimeFrame.endYear=2022&referencePeriods=20220101%2C20220101
 10

private care, the multiplier effect15 will increase spending in other areas of the economy. Fiscal
policy changes to create this program will ultimately help the Canadian economy, starting with
healing the workers that run the country.

Conclusion: Prioritizing Mental Health and Well-Being of Canadians for the Good of our
Economy

For most Canadians the change in society with increased mental health services and
support are not noticeable by eye. Through analyzing economic data, the multiplier effect will
prevail. We can noticeably see increases in productivity, income, happiness, and overall
well-being through economic analysis of GDP over consecutive periods, and increased spending
through consumers, firms, government and foreign trade16.

The federal government has taken initiative to take the burden off the healthcare system
with a virtual platform but could be doing more to take the burden off the public sector and save
Canadians Billions in private costs. As the world bounces back mentally from the effects of the
pandemic, and lockdowns the federal government could be shifting the budget to create a
program that will incentivize education and training in mental health related fields. Creating
more specialists available for University students and ensuring all citizens of Canada can get the
type of mental-health-care that works best for them is crucial. If the Government of Canada cares
about the mental health of its people as they say they do, they will do more to create less barriers
to services and provide more options to the people that need them.

15 Dinner Party Economic, Chapter 11 - Policy Matters

16 Dinner Party Economics, Chapter 5 - An Assortment of Gross Products
 11

Reflection
After reading the comments from Jeanette I felt frustrated that I wrote a whole essay to be
told I basically have to re-write it. Taking into account the recommendations they gave me I
decided to further specify my topic by reforming my title to better describe my main idea.
Instead of generalizing the idea of policy changes about mental health, I more specifically
detailed what issue I would like to solve in the policy brief to the Minister of Finance. My
original title, upon reconsideration, could mislead the reader to believe anything about the topic
of mental health, without relating it to economics, and with this change I felt my writing had a
new direction. I gave a lot of supporting facts in my rough draft to support my argument and
outlined the problems in Canada I believe the budget should gear towards to benefit Canadians,
and the overall economy, and was glad that these were not a problem. I supported my facts with
economic theory from Dinner Party Economics from several parts to relate my argument back to
economics, and the theory that Happiness in an economy increases income, spending, and overall
productivity in the economy. Not many other parts of the book related to the argument I was
trying to portray to the Minister in shifting the budget allocation, so I felt that my economic
theory content in my policy brief was sufficient. Lastly, my organization and format of my report
was fixed by adding more subtitles and organizing my smaller paragraphs to have a more
cohesive read. Overall, I tried my best to write this policy brief and after further revision I think
that the Minister of Finance might possibly consider my topic in her new budget if she wants
Canadians to be happy.