COLLABORATIVE EFFORT
WRITING EFFECTIVE SENTENCES
Members: ANTONIO, Ian Jonathan M. CUSTODIO, Paul Michael B.
Section: B4
Note: Pay close attention to what you are being asked
to do in each exercise, and do only as much revising as
is necessary. Take special care to preserve the meaning
of the original material. If necessary, invent reasonable
details.
A. Reinforce the meaning of the sentence by
rearranging the words to increase readability and
usability.
1. The causes of burnout can be studied from three
perspectives: physiological- the roles of sleep, diet, and
physical fatigue; psychological – the roles of guilt, fear,
jealousy, and frustration; environmental – the role of
physical surroundings at home and at work.
The causes of burnout can be studied from three
perspectives:
(A) Physiological- the roles of sleep, diet, and
physical fatigue;
(B) Psychological – the roles of guilt, fear, jealousy,
and frustration;
(C) Environmental – the role of physical
surroundings at home and at work.
B. Rewrite each of the following sentences to
eliminate ambiguous pronoun references.
2. Jose Dela Cruz is in charge of organizing the first
quarter frosh orientation session, which is expected to
last five days.
Jose Dela Cruz is in charge, for five days, of organizing
the frosh orientation session for the first quarter.
3. Basketball and the volleyball are the most popular
sports at the university. They posted revenues of 1
million pesos last year from ticket sales.
Basketball and volleyball are the most popular sports at
the university. The university posted revenues of 1
million pesos last year from these sports ticket sales.
Date: May 4, 2018
C. Technical writing, by definition, should be objective
and impersonal. Revise the sentence to improve the
tone.
4. The development operation would have been
completed as scheduled if we had mutual aid from the
administration.
The development operation was incomplete due to lack
of support from the administration.
5. This correspondence is to notify that your team must
attend the upcoming mandatory training.
This correspondence is to give notice to the attendance
of your team on the upcoming mandatory training.
D. The following sentences might be too long for some
readers. Break each sentence into two or more
sentences.
6. If we get the contract, we must be ready by February
1 with the necessary personnel and equipment, so with
this in mind a staff meeting, which all group managers
are expected to attend, is scheduled for February 12.
If we get the contract, we must be ready by February 1
with the personnel and equipment. With regards to
this, all group managers are expected to attend a staff
meeting scheduled for February 12.
7. Although we had a frank discussion with Bartolome’s
legal staff, we were unable to get them to specify what
they would be looking for in an out-of-court settlement,
but they gave us a strong impression that they would
rather settle out of court.
We had a frank discussion with Bartolome’s legal staff.
However, we were unable to have them specify what
they would be looking for in an out-of-court settlement.
But they gave us a strong impression that they would
rather settle out of court.
E. The following examples contain overly short or
abrupt sentences. Combine the sentences to create a
smoother style.
8. I need a figure on the surrender value of a policy. The
number of the policy is A4399827. Can you get me this
figure by tomorrow?
I am in need of the surrender value of policy number
A4399827. Can you get me this figure by tomorrow?
9. The supervisor is responsible for processing the
outgoing mail. He is also responsible for maintaining
and operating the equipment.
The supervisor is responsible for processing the
outgoing mail as well as maintaining and operating the
equipment.
F. Revise the following sentences by replacing the
vague elements with specific information. Make up
any reasonable details.
10. The chemical spill in the lab caused extensive
damage.
The chemical spill in the lab caused the breakage of
equipment due its chemical reaction with it.
11. Analysis of the soil beneath the new gymnasium
revealed an interesting fact.
Analysis of the soil beneath the new gymnasium
revealed that the grounds used to be a war zone.
12. The results won’t be available for a while.
The results will only be available after two weeks.
G. Revise the following sentences to remove
unnecessary jargon.
13. We need to be prepared for blowback from the
announcement.
We need to be prepared for the negative reaction from
the announcement.
14. Police apprehended the perpetrator and placed her
under arrest directly adjacent to the scene of the
incident
2
Police caught the perpetrator and placed her under
arrest directly besides the scene of the incident.
H. In this exercise, look to fatty or unfamiliar phrases.
Revise the sentences using simpler, shorter, more
direct expressions --- but don’t change the basic
meaning of the sentence.
15. Some managers are of the opinion that employees
should not use computers in order to view
entertainment sites on the Internet while in an
employment setting.
Some managers think employees shouldn’t use the
internet for entertainment at work.
16. We are in a position to resupply you with widgets in
the event that your existing supply becomes exhausted.
We can resupply your widgets if you run out of them.
I. Revise the following sentences to remove
meaningless filler.
17. For all intents and purposes, our company’s long-
term success depends to a certain degree on various
factors that are in general difficult to foresee.
Our company’s long-term success depends on various
factors that are difficult to foresee.
18. The presentation was generally well received for the
most part, despite the fact that we received a rather
small number of questionnaire responses.
The presentation was well received, even though few
questionnaire responses were received.
J. Revise the following sentences to remove the
redundancies.
19. In grateful appreciation of your patronage, we are
pleased to offer you this free gift as a small token
gesture of our gratitude.
In appreciation of your patronage, we offer you this gift
as a token of our gratitude.
20. An anticipated major breakthrough in storage
technology will allow us to proceed ahead in the
continuing evolution of our products.
An anticipated breakthrough in storage technology will 24. Of course, accident statistics can be expected to
allow us to proceed in the evolution of our products. show a moderate increase in response to a streamlining
of the training schedule.
K. Revise the following sentences to eliminate fancy
words. Of course, accident statistics can be expected to show a
moderate increase in response to a streamlining of the
21. This state-of-the-art soda-dispensing module is to training schedule.
be utilized by Marketing Department personnel.
M. Trim the prose by providing their shorter and
This vending machine is to be utilized by Marketing crisper equivalents.
Department personnel.
25. during the same time that
22. We have failed to furnish the proposal to the proper at the same time
agency by the mandated date by which such proposals 26. has the tendency to break
must be in receipt. fragile
27. in possession of
We have failed to submit the proposal to the proper owns
agency by the deadline. 28. in the near future
soon
L. Revise the following sentences to eliminate 29. located in the vicinity
euphemisms. nearby
30. subsequent to the start of
23. Downsizing our workforce will enable our division to afterwards
achieve a more favorable cash-flow profile.

A layoff will enable our division to achieve a more

favorable cash-flow profile.