SDLUDLA:

EPI
SODE1
Herol
ledoffmeandpul l
edonhi
sArmanipants
bef
oreIcouldevengetovert
het
hreesecondsbl
iss.
ME:ThatwasawesomeOgone…Ihavebeenwait
ing
f
orthisf
orsol
ong.Imean,
youandIaregreat
t
ogether
.I’
vel
ovedyouf
orsolong…
Hel
aughedhyst
eri
cal
ly.
OGONE:You'
renotser
iousar
eyou?
Hebegant
ogetdr
essed,
pul
li
nguphi
spant
sina
r
ushedmanner
.
OGONE:Your
eal
lyt
hinkIcoul
dbewi
thsomeone
l
ikeyou?
Hescoffedandshookhi
shead,
thr
ust
inghi
sbl
ack
bel
tint
othepantl
oops.
Icover
edmybodywi
tht
her
estoft
hesheet
.
ME:I
..
.It
houghtwewer
e..
.
Istammered.Iwasstunnedathi
sreact
iont
ome
tel
li
nghi
m Iwasi nlovewit
hhim.Iwant
edtocr
awl
underarockanddie.

OGONE:Lookatyou…
Hestoppedget
ti
ngdressedandst
aredatme.He
l
ookedmeoverandshookhisheadoncemore.
OGONE:Noway…i fIcan'
twal
karoundinpublic
wi
thyouther
e'snowayIcouldhavearelat
ionship
wi
thyou,
ever
Hesi
ghedloudl
yandbegant
obut
tonuphi
sdar
k
gr
eendressshi
rt
.

Ibitmyl i
pandpul l
edthesheetovermyf acesohe
couldn'tseethehurtonit.Ihadbeeninlovewi t
h
Ogonef orayearandahal f,
watchinghim atwork,
admi r
inghi shandsomef eat
uresandrockhar d
bodydur i
ngmeet i
ngs.Ialwaysdreamedoft heday
hewoul dpayat tent
iontome, t
alktomeandwant
measmuchasIhadwant edhimthroughtheyears.
ME:Iunder
stand
Isai
dsoft
lyanddi
ver
tedmyeyest
omyr
edl
amp
shade.
OGONE:Ihopeyoudobecauseifyousomuchas
whi
sperawordtoanyoneyourassisgrassandIdo
meanfi
red,
Lett
y.You'
rewordagainstmine.
Heshovedhi
sfeeti
ntohi
sshoes.
OGONE:Nobodywoul
dbel
ieveyouanyway
Hesi
ghedl
oudl
yandl
ookedatmesympat
het
ical
ly.
OGONE:Itwasj
ustapit
yfuck,Ler
otl
hodi
.I'
m
l
ooki
ngforawif
e,notahousekeeper
.Seeyouat
work

Iwaitedunti
lIheardmyf rontdoorcl
osebeforeI
coveredmyf acewithmypi ll
owandcriedunti
lmy
eyeswereswol l
en.Icouldn'
tbeli
evehowhur t
fulhe
couldbe,butIknewt hatheli
kedme.Hej ust
couldn'
tgetpastmywei ght.
I
’m and1.7met
restal
lgir
lwei
ghingi
nat126kg,
so
mybuildcanbeali
ttl
eint
imi
dati
ngtomostmen.
Thathast
obei
t.
IlovewaswhatIhadt oof
ferbuthecoul
dn'tsee
pastit.Ipi
ckedupmyphoneandcalledoutforthe
restoftheday.Ihadt
orecoverf
rom t
hebruiseshe
l
ef tonmyhear t
.
Iroll
edoveri nthebedandhat edmyal ar
m clock
wheni tbeepedl oudlyi
nmyear s.Ibangedoni t
withmyf i
stseveralti
mesbeforeitturnedoffand
rol
ledont omybackt ostar
eupatt heceili
ng.Ireal
ly
don'twannagot owor kt
oday.Thet houghtof
l
ookingatOgonet ur
nedmyst omach, Iwas
embar rassed.Ishookmyheaddi smal lyandflung
thesheet soffbeforeIcl
imbedoutofbed.
Ihadbeenal argegi
rleversi
nceIcoul dremember
andtheolderIgot,t
hebiggerIgot.Ialways
recei
vedcompl i
mentsforhavi
ngapr et
tyfacebut
nothi
ngmor e,Iyear
nedformor eeveryday.
Istar
edattheopencondom wr
apperi
nmypi
nk
t
rashcanandki
ckedit
.
ME:Dammi
t
Ij
umpedbackandl
ookeddownatmyt
oe,
wishi
ng
i
thadbeenOgone'
sbut
tinst
eadoft
het
rashcan.
Ogonedi dn'tevenknowhewasmyf ir
st,Iwantedt
o
tel
lhim beforehehur tme.Buthesaidallthatand…
soIdi dn'
tbotherlett
inghim know.Icl
osedmy
bathroom doorandl ookedatmyr efl
ecti
oninthe
ful
llengthmi rr
orIignoreddail
y.
Ifr
ownedandslammedthedoorcl
osed.Iwenti
nto
mybedroom andpul
ledt
hescal
eoutfrom
under
neatht
hebed.
Idon'tknowwhyIhel dmybr eathwhenIst epped
oni t,
maybehopi ngi twouldhelpt hesi tuationbutit
didn't.Ihungmyheadaf terIreadt hefigur es.
123kg.Ionl ylost3kg!It uggedonmyhai rwi t
h
frustrati
onandmut teredobscenepr ofanitiesbef or
e
Ikickedi tbackunder neathmybed.Thenewdi etI
wast r yi
ngdidn'thelponebi t.Imar chedi ntothe
kitchenandgr abbedt hefewboxesoft hemeal
replacementIhadl eftandt hrewthem i nt he
trashcanbef oreIstompedbackt omyr oom t of i
nd
somet hi
ngdecentt oweart owork.
Iwasal
readyl
ateandChi
ckenLi
cki
n’wasopen
anyway.Istoodinthelongli
ne,cheri
shingt hesmel l
ofthefri
edchickenandchipsthatIhadl ongf or
si
ncelastmont hwhenIstart
edmydi et
.Ipul ledup
myr i
ngingphonef r
om mybagandanswer ed.It
waseitherGaonaorKago.Thet hreeofusst art
ed
workforHartfordandSedumedithesameday, that
wasthreeyear sagoandwehavebeeni nsepar able
eversi
nce.

Gaonawas25andengagedt oagor geousmanata

nearbylawf irm andKago24, wasthesecondguy
atwor kallofthewomanwant edtodat e.Ihadt o
admi tIfel
tgoodbei ngseenwi t
hhim, heal ways
toldmet hatIneededt obewi thsomeonewor thyof
allIhadt oofferandthemaj orit
yofmenIwas
attr
actedt odidn'tmeasureupt othat.Hewasa
handsome1. 8met retal
lhalfFrenchguywi th
shoulderlengthneatnaturallygoldendr eadlocks
andIwoul djokewithhimt hatheshoul dbe
model l
ingsomewher eandnotsel li
ngr ealestate,
buthewoul dlaughitoff
.Hehadnocl uet hatGaona
andIknewhedi dsomemodel li
ngbef orehest art
ed
workatHar t
for
dandSedumediRealEst ate,
she
andIkeptittoourselves.Hewaseducat
edabr oad,
l
ovedt oplaybasketball
,andwooedwomenwi th
Frenchifhefel
ttheur ge.Hewasbeyondgorgeous,
hewasbr eath-
taki
ng.
ME:YesMr
.KagoMot
hibi
Iaskedwhi
leIputdownmyf
oodont
het
abl
e
KAGO:Tr
aff
ic’
sbad.Real
lybad
Hesai
dwi
thf
rust
rat
ion
Ifr
owned.Heal wayscall
edt owarnmewhentraff
ic
wasbackedupi fwedidn'tcarpool
.Weal
lli
vedin
thesamearea,andhadt odriveontot
heci
tyfi
ve
daysaweekandt raff
icalwaysmanagedtobe
backedupthreeofthefi
ve.
ME:Youwer
eri
ght
,weshoul
dhavecarpool
ed
t
oday
KAGO:Tomor
row…
ME:Onesecond
Iputthephonet
omychest,cover
ingt
he
mouthpi
ecesohecoul
dn'
thearme.
ME:I'
l
lhavethehotwi
ngsmealwi
thextr
achips
pl
ease.
..
oh…andsomeachaar…makethedr
inka
di
etCokeplease.
KAGO:Ar
eyouatChi
ckenLi
cki
n?
Heaskedi
ndi
sbel
iefaf
terIputt
hephonebackt
o
myear.
KAGO:Ithoughtyouwer
egi
vingt
hatup,
what
happened?
Damnheheardme.IthoughtaboutOgonemaki
ng
mysoulbl
eedandknewIneededt oeatawaymy
pai
n.
ME:Iwasj
usti
nthemoodf
ori
tisal
l
If
eltguil
ty,
knowingKagohat edmetoeatf
astfood,
hetoldmei twasn'
trealmeatandwoul
dshort
enmy
l
if
e-span.
KAGO:Al
ri
ght
,I'
l
lseeyouatwor
k
Hesai
dbef
orehehungup.
Icouldhearthedi
sappoi
ntmenti
nhisvoi
cebefor
e
hedid.Mynumberf ormyfoodwascall
edandI
grabbeditandheadedbacktomycar,
beginni
ngto
eatthemomentIgoti nthecarwhileIsatint
raf
fi
c.
Bythet i
meIgottowor kIwashungr yonceagai
n.I
heavedmybr i
efcaseoutofthecarandbegant o
walkslowlyt
owardourl ar
geglassbuildi
ng.I
noti
cedKagowasal readyther
e,hisblackEscal
ade
taki
ngupt wospacesasnor mal.
Iwalkedinhuf f
ing, struggl
ingt obr eatheonceI
decidedtor unacr osst hepar kinglottogett omy
deskont ime.Iwast headmi nistrat
iveassistantt
o
anelderlybr okerthatwaspar towneroft hereal
estatecompany, Mr .Sedumedi .Hispartner,Mr.
Hashf or
d,ownedt heot herhal fbutpassedaway
theyearbef oreIst arted.Hi sof fi
cewasst i
llt
here
witheverythingint actasi fhewoul dwalkint owork
anyday.Mr .Sedumedist i
lldidn'thavethehear tto
cleanitout.
Kagowouldscar emewhenIwor kednights,tel
li
ng
met hatMr.Hashfordwasr oamingthef l
oorst i
ll
tr
yingtocompl et
eunfinishedwor k.Iwonder ed
whenorifMr .Sedumediwoul deverclearitout
becauseonlatenightsitgavemet heheebi e
j
eebies.
HehiredOgonethathadanexcel
lentr
esumetobe
hisri
ghthandmanandIwasshockedt hathedi
dn'
t
giveKagotheposi
ti
on,butwefoundoutwhy
eventual
ly,
Ogonewashisnephew.
Iputal
lofmyt hi
ngsdownatmydeskandpopped
myheadi nthedoortoseehewasn' ti
nyet.Iplaced
hismailonhisdeskbeforeIt
urnedonmycomput er
toseewhatappointmentshehadscheduledf orthe
day.Hereli
edonmemor ethanIdidmyself.
KAGO:Fi
nisht
hathappymeal
?
Kagol
eanedagai
nstmydeskt
olookmei
ntheeyes.
KAGO:Di
dyougetat
oyi
nthatone?
ME:Real
lyKago,
itwasj
ustaone-
ti
met
hingand…
Istaredbackathi
m.Hi seyeswerepiercingbri
ght
hazelandIhatedwhenhegl aredatme, Ifel
the
couldseeeveryt
hingmyhear twouldn'
tletme
revealwhenhedidit.
ME:Ir
eal
lymi
ssedi
t….I
twasj
usta…
KAGO:Hotwi
ngsmeal
wit
hext
rachi
ps?Hear
d
you….
Hesni
cker
ed.
KAGO:Guesswecanwor
kof
fsomeoft
hatt
oni
ght
i
nthegym ri
ght
?
Hesmi l
edanddi
spl
ayedt
heonedeepdi
mpl
einhi
s
r
ightcheek.
Isighed,knowinghewoul dwor kmelikeadog.
Kagowor kedoutr
eli
giously.Ihadt
oadmi tt
o
GaonawhenIsawhi m wi t
hhi sshi
rtofff
ort
hefi
rst
ti
mei nthegym Ialmostwetmysel f.Hehadthe
bodyofagod.
ME:Notsur
eifI
'
m goi
ng
Isi
ghed.

KAGO:What?I
t'sThur
sday,
weal
waysgoon
Thur
sdaysLet
ty…

ME:Iknow,butIdi
dn'tbri
ngmywor
koutcl
othes
becauseIwasrunni
ngl at
e
Il
ied,
knowi
ngIdi
dbr
ingt
hem,
butwasn'
tint
he
moodt obearoundpeopl
e.Ihat
edthewaypeople
staredatmewhenIwaswor ki
ngout.Itol
dKago
oneni ghtsomeoneshoul
dopenupagym t hatonl
y
all
owedmenandwomenover100kgsowewoul d
feelcomf or
tabl
eandIwasdeadserious.
ME:SoIcan'
tgo,
nocl
othes,
nogym
Ismi
ledt
ri
umphant
ly.
KAGO:ThenI
'
llbuyyousomedur
ingl
unch
Hesai
dsi
mpl
yandr
aisedaneyebr
ow.
KAGO:I'l
lgori
ghttothest
oreandbuyyousome
workoutgear
.I'
l
lgetyousomethi
ngwit
hflowers
andallt
hatnonsenseandmaybesockstomatch..
.
ME:Fi
ne,
fineI
'
llgo…
Iint
err
uptedtoshuthi
m up.Iwaspout
ingwhen
Gaonaranover.
Gaonakeptherhai
rshor
tanditwasconst
ant
ly
dyed.Thi
smonthitwasaloudblonde.
GAONA:Di
dyouguyshear
?
Shel
eanedt
owar
dus.
GAONA:Thatsl
utgott
hecant
hismor
ning
Ihel
dsomepaper
stomychest
.
ME:Ser
iousl
y?
Ist
oodupandlookedacrosst
heof
fi
ce.Herdesk
wasemptyandphotosgone.
ME:Why?

GAONA:Why?
Gaonal
aughedandl
ookedatmel
ikeIwasi
nsane.
GAONA:Becauseshedoesn' tknowwhatt hehell
she'sdoi
ngt hat
'swhy.Modirifoundoutsheliedon
herresumeaboutherpr evi
ousexperienceandshe
gottheboot.Servesherri
ght,shewasoneoft he
manyof fi
cewhor esanyway,tr
yingtosleepherway
tothetop..
.
Shesaidandgrewsi
lentwhenMoni
ca,oneofthe
womenshewasr ef
erri
ngtowal
kedpastgivi
ng
Kagotheeye.
GAONA:KG, i
fyousomuchastouchherski
nI'
l
l
neverspeakt
oyouagai
n,youmightcat
ch
something
KAGO:Whosai
dI'
mint
erest
edi
nher
?"heasked
i
nnocent
ly.
GAONA:Youdon' thavetosayi
t,youreyesdo.Igot
twohousestoshow, I
'l
lbebacki
nt i
mef orlunchi
f
thi
scouplecanfi
gureoutwhatthehelltheywant.I
j
ustwannaki ckt
hem int
oanyoneoft hem, t
hey’
re
soindeci
sive
Shemumbl
edandwal
kedbackt
oherof
fi
ce.
Inoti
cedTayl
orst
il
lstar
ingatMoni
cawhenshe
l
eanedoveroneofthefi
lecabi
net
sandcl
ear
edmy
thr
oat.
ME:It
hinkyoucangi
veherassar
estnow
KAGO:Justl
ooki
ng,
not
hingwr
ongwi
thl
ooki
ng
ri
ght
?
Hewi
nkedandsaunt
eredi
ntohi
sof
fi
ce….
Igl
ancedoveratMoni
ca.Tal
l,
longPeruvi
anweave,
gor
geousbody…andwonderedwhatitwouldf
eel
l
iket
ohavemengawkatmet oo.Shewalkedpast
andItr
iedt
ogiveherali
ghtsmil
e,butshetur
ned
uphernoseandconti
nuedontoherdesk.
Iwasaccust omedt obeingignoredwhenIwasn' t
wit
hKagoorGaona, soitdi
dn'tbotherme.I
str
aight
enedt hepaper sonmydeskandbeganmy
workfortheday.Iopenedmydr awertopulloutmy
Lunchbartoseet hatitwasgone.Il ookedupat
Kago'soffi
ce,knowinghet ookit.Istoodupand
str
aight
enedmyshi rtovermybel l
ybef or
eIbarged
i
ntohisofficewithoutknocking.
ME:Gi
vei
tback
KAGO:Excusemeonemomentpl
ease
Hecover
edt
hephonewi
thhi
shand.
KAGO:Gi
vewhatback?
ME:Mylunchbar
,Kago,Iknowyoutooki
tbecause
you'
ret
heonlyonethatdoest
hatcr
ap
Ihel
doutmyhand.
ME:Gi
vei
tback
KAGO:Ihavenoi
deawhatyou'
ret
alki
ngabout
Hesmi
leddevi
ousl
y.
KAGO:Besi
des,
yousai
dthatyoust
oppedeat
ing
t
hem r
ight
?
Her
aisedhi
seyebr
owsi
nquest
ionagai
n.
KAGO:Hey,maybeMr .Hashf
ordtookit.Theghost
ofMr.Hashf
ord,youknowhowhel ikestoplay
j
okesandhidethingsar
oundtheoffice

Iwantedtoshovet hepeninhishanduphi snose.I

fr
ownedandt ippedoverhispenci
lholderbeforeI
walkedoutinstead.Damnhe'sfr
ustr
ating.Ibegan
towalkint
obr eakroom t
obuyanothercandybar ,
butstoodfr
ozenonceIsawOgonet al
kingt o
Monica.
ME:Goodmor
ning
Isaidsoft
ly,
Iwasst i
llembarrassedbutalsosti
lli
n
l
ust.Henoddedandgavemeast rai
nedsmi l
e
beforeheturnedhisattent
ionbacktoMoni ca.I
tur
nedbackout ,nolongerinthemoodf orcandy,
j
ustinthemoodf ort
hedayt obeover .
*
***
***
PLEASEDOREMEMBERTHI SISANINTERACTI
VE
GROUP.IALWAYSKEEPTWOBOOKSRUNNI NGIN
THISGROUPTOGI VEREADERSPLENTYTO
I
NTERACTWI TH,BUTIFYOUCAN'TBEANACTI VE
READER,THI
SISDEFINITELYNOTTHEPLACE
FORYOU.SEEPINNEDPOSTFORWHY
I
NTERACTIONISSOI MPORTANT.NON-
I
NTERACTIVEMEMBERSAREREMOVEDAND
BLOCKEDPERIODICALLYWITHOUTWARNI NG.
SDLUDLA:EPI
SODE2

Iarr
ivedi
ntheoff
icethenextdayi
nabett
ermood
aft
ermygym sessionwit
hKagoyester
day.
MrSedumediar ri
vedalit
tl
el ater,sti
llthejovi
alsel
f.
Hewasver yhumbl eandfather l
y,andnevert reat
ed
ever
yonediffer
entl
y,especi
al l
ythehi ghr egar
dshe
hadforme.Hesai difImissedadayofwor k,he’
d
j
uststopexisti
ngbecausehewoul dn’tknowwhat
todowithoutme.HegavemeaP10000bonus
checkever
yyearf
orChr
ist
masandt
reat
edmel
ike
adaughter
.
Iwasi nt heprocessoff i
li
ngseverall
etterswhen
Ogonewal kedi ntoMr .Sedumedi'
sof f
ice.Itur
ned
myheadwhenhel ookedatme.Iwasst il
l
embar rassedf rom thelastti
mewewer et oget
her
andt hehur tf
ul thi
ngshet oldme.Idivertedmyeyes
tothedi gitalclockonmydesk, 11:45a.m.Isaw
him sit
tingint hechairacrossfrom hisuncle;Iwas
sti
llsmi t
ten.Iwat chedhi mlaughi
ngwi t
hhi suncl
e.
Hewassohandsome.
Mydeskwasposi t
ionedoutsi
deofMr .Sedumedi'
s
offi
cebutf
acedKago'soff
iceandIsawMoni ca
walkinandcloset
hedoor.Sheclosedittoosoon
formetogiveKagoaquickf r
ownofdisgust.
Istoodinthelobby,
waiti
ngforhimt ocomedown.
Itwaslunchti
meandIwasst ar
ving.Iglancedatmy
watchandi tr
ead12:15.Hewasl ate.Idecidednot
towaitanylongerandbeganwal ki
ngoutt he
buil
ding,onl
ytohearhim shout
ingbehi ndme.
KAGO:Hol
dupLet
ty
ME:Idi
dn'
tthi
nkyouwer
ecomi
ng
Isai
dgr
ippi
ngmypur
seovermyshoul
der
.
KAGO:WellIdrovet
odaysohowyouwer
egonna
getsomewheretoeathuh?
Iwasgonnawalkovertobommaseapeioverther
e
andgrabaplat
e.It
houghtmaybeyouplannedon
eat
ingMonicaforl
unch(Isni
cker
ed)
KAGO:(laughi
ng)j
eal
ousmuch,
Let
ty?Aww,
don’
t
worr
y,you’l
lal
waysbemynumber1
Icouldn'thel
pbutsmi l
ebackhi m.Mostoft he
peopleintheoffi
ceignoredmeandpr obabl
y
thoughtIwassomebor ethatnevergotoutorknew
howt omakej okes,
ifonlytheyknew.

Wegottotherest aurantandthewai t
ressfl
ir
ted
wit
hKagomer cilessly.Nothi
ngI’m notusedto.
Women’sblaytantdi sr
espectofme, f
li
rti
ngwitha
mantheyseewi thanot herwomanj ustbecauseI
wasfat
.Probablyneverevenconsi deredthatwe
coul
dbeinar elationshipandtheywecr ossi
ng
boundari
es.Iknewtheywonderedifwewer
e
fr
iends,
rel
ativesorbr
otherandsi
ster
.
Ismiledwhenhepokedmycheek, t
ell
ingmehe
wasgi vingmeadimpleandifhediditenoughI
wouldhaveonesoon.Ilovedthefactthathe
appreciatedmeforme,butIhat
edthef actt
hathe
orderedachickensal
adforme.
*
***
***
**
OnSaturdayKagocameoverf
ordinnerandthen
wewatchedoldmoviesonmylaptop.Ial
wayshad
funwit
hhim.WhywasIsohappyt ohearthathi
s
datewi
thMonicadidn’
tgosowell
.Inhisownwords,
he’
dsaidshewas‘toodumb’
.

*
***
***
*

Mondaycamequickl
yandIhadtogot owor
kagai
n.
Iwasinthemiddl
eoftypi
ngalet
terf
orMr.
SedumediwhenOgonestoppedatmydesk
surpr
isi
ngme.
OGONE:Mor
ningLet
ty…
Hesatont
heedgeofmydeskandsmi l
ed.Myhear
t
ski
ppedabeatandIt
ri
edt
olookcasual
.
ME:Mor
ning(
Ial
mostwhi
sper
ed)
OGONE:Iwast
hinki
ng(heleanedovert
owhi
speri
n
myear
)Iwaswonderingi
fIcouldcomeover
t
oni
ght,
yaknow,sowecant alk.
Iwant
edtoscream wi
thj
oy.Maybehe'
schanged
hi
smindaboutme.
ME:Sur
e,sur
eIwoul
dlovet
hat(
Ianswer
edqui
ckl
y)
Hesmil
edandnoddedbef
orehegl
ancedar
ound
t
heoff
ice.
OGONE:Justbet
weenus,
don'
twantourbusi
ness
get
ti
ngaround
(Hewi nkedandwal kedtotheot herendofthe
off
iceandbegant ochatwi t
hanot hertopmodel
ki
ndagi rlt
hatwasaf t
erhiswallet.Idi
dn'
tletit
bothermebecausehewoul dbewi thmetonight.I
wasgi ddytherestoftheday.)
*
***
***
**
Byafter
noon,Kagointer
rogatedmethrough
Whatsappaboutmyover lyexci
tedmood.Ihappi
ly
hoppedtohisoff
icetotel
lhimi nper
son.
KAGO:Yousl eptwithhi
m?( Henearyell
edafter
l
isteni
ngtomyst oryaboutOgonecomi ngtomy
placethel
asttime.OfcourseIlef
toutthosesmall
detail
sabouthim bei
ngadi ckaft
erwar
ds.)
Hi sbrighthazeleyesfl
icker
edcoloursofburnt
orange, yel
lowandr edbefor
ehenar r
owedt hem
andsatupi nhischair
.Heswi vel
edawayfrom me
andf acedthewi ndowaf ewsecondsbeforehe
spunbackar oundtolookatme.
KAGO:Pl
easedon'
ttel
lmeyoul
ethi
m beyourf
ir
st
Let
ty…
(
Iregr
ett
edtel
li
nghi
m Iwasavi
rgi
natt
hat
moment).
ME:(
looki
ngdownembar
rassed)Sor
ta.
..
(
Igr
imacedathi
supsetexpr
essi
on)
.
Hethr
ewthepenhewasgr
ippi
ngacr
osst
her
oom
att
hedoor
.
KAGO:Sor
ta?(heturnedbrightr
edint
heface)Of
al
lthemeninthewor l
d..
.(heshookhi
sheadatme)
He'
snotworthyofyou,Letty.
ME:Howdoyouknow, youdon'
tevenknow
anyt
hingabouthi
m!(Isaiddef
ensi
vely.
)Youdon'
t
knowhisothersi
de.
..
KAGO:Andwhatsideist
hat?Ididn'
tknowhisego
hadanyothersi
desormaybeyou'reref
err
ingt
ohis
fuckyouat
tit
udeort
hewayhei gnoresyouwhen
youspeaktohiminpubl
ic,
maybet hatsi
de
ME:Youdon'
tknowhimlikeIdo(
Irepl
ied,
ignor
ing
hi
ssuddenat
ti
tude)Hel
ikesme
KAGO:Yeah, butforhowl ong?Ihat etosayt his,but
Lett
y, he'sprobablyjustusingyou.Ibethewoul dn't
tel
lanyoneyout woar eseeingeachot hereither
wouldhe?( Heexhal eddeepl yandl ookedatme
sadly.)Youneedt ol eavehim alone;It ol
dyouhe
wasanegot isti
cal,i
nsensiti
vepi eceofcr apwhen
youf ellheadoverf orhimint hef i
rstplace.You
needt oendi tbeforeyouf allanydeeper ..
.
ME:Scr
ewyouKago,
you'
react
ingj
ustl
ikehi
m
ri
ghtnow.Egot
ist
icalandani
nsensi
ti
vepi
eceof
shit
..
.
KAGO:Butt hat'
sobviouslywhatyoulikeri
ght?(he
askedstandingupt oglareangr
il
yatme. )Andthe
onemajordi f
ferencebetweenhim andmei s,I
'm
notashamedt owal kwithyouinpubli
cort el
l
peopl
ewe' r
ef ri
ends..
.
Ipushedever
ythi
ngof fofhisdeskandstompedout.
Ifl
oppedbackint
omychai ratmydesktoseehi m
pi
ckingupeveryt
hingIflungonthefloor
.Ogone
doesli
keme,he'sjustnotreadytoadmitityet
.
*
***
***
Kagocametomyof f
icel
atertoapol
ogi
ze.Hewas
goi
ngoutwit
hsomeSamant haorwhateveraf
ter
work,
butwantedt
osettl
ethingsbet
weenusfi
rst
.
KAGO:Aboutear
li
er,
maybeIwast
oohar
sh.
..
Iwant
t
oapologi
ze.
Ididn'tr
eali
zeIwashol
dingmyli
pst
autunt
ilI
smi l
ed.IhatedwhenheandIwer
emadateach
other.
ME:Iapol
ogi
zet
oo.
..
If
eltasenseofr
eli
efbysayi
ngi
t.
KAGO:Thet hingsIsai
d..
.(Hefur
rowedhi sbr ow.)
Let
ty,whatIwast r
yingtosaycameoutt hewr ong
way.Don'tgetmewr ong,Imeantthemaj ori
tyof
whatIsaid,j
ustnotthewayIsaidit.Idon'tl
ikehim.
ME:Iknowyoudon' t
,butIdo.(
Igavehima
pl
eadi
ngexpressionandhegavemesi ghof
fr
ust
rati
on)
.Her eal
lyisadif
fer
entper
sonoutsi
de
ofworkKago.
Icoul
dseehi
sjawcl enchanduncl
ench,heonlydid
i
twhenhewasf ur
iousandt hi
ngswereoutofhis
contr
ol.
KAGO:We'
l
lseeandIhopef
oryouher
eal
lyi
s
(Heleanedin,
kissedmeont hecheekandtur
nedto
l
eavewi t
hSamant ha.Ir
ubbedmycheekwher ehe
hadkissedmeandsmi l
ed.TheonlytimeKagoever
ki
ssedmeont hecheekwasmybi r
thday,
Chri
stmas
andNewYear ’
s.)
*
***
***
*

Sof tl
inenofl ovel
ylavenderonmybed.Thespeci al
kindKagobr oughtmef r
om France.Ibitmyli
p
tryi
ngtodeci deonwhatcandl esIneededt obuyfor
thenight.Iwant edthehousesmel l
ingromanti
c.I
grabbedaf r
eshbouquetoff l
owersf r
om thefl
ori
st.
MaybeIshoul dgetsomewi netoo,Iknowhel oves
Mer l
ot.Ipickedupt wobottl
es.
ThenImadei ttot heplussi
zeboutiquejustbefore
theyclosed.Iwasel at
edwhenthesal eswoman
showedabl acklacegownwi ththebackopent omy
rear.I
tflatt
eredmybodysomuchIcoul dn'
twaitfor
Ogonet oseemei ni tandIwal
kedt omycarsmi l
ing
happily.Igothomeandst ar
tedcleaningeveryt
hing
beforeOgonear rives.
Hetoldmehewoul dbeoveraround9pm soIhad
ti
met ocleanupandt akealonghotbathbeforehe
cameover .Iturnedonsomemusi candli
stenedto
thecheesypl ayl
istKagomadef ormeanddanced
happil
yar oundthelivi
ngroom whileIcl
eaned.I
hadn'
tfel
tthi
sgoodi
nalongti
mesoIsangl
oudl
y
al
ongwi t
hOneRepubl
ic’
ssong'
Secr
ets'
.
Iwashummi ngasIli
tthecandlesandinhal
edt
he
sof
tfr
agrancet
heyemitted.Iwantedt
ohugmyself
andscr
eam totheworl
dbecauseIwassohappy.

Ok,nowfort
heweight…Ipul
ledoutmydigi
talscal
e
andcli
mbedonitwit
hmyeyescl osed.
Iheldmybr eath,countedtot enandt henlooked
down.121kg.“ Ilostanother2kg!”Isquealed,and
ranaroundt hehousehappi ly.2kgisn'tmuch, but
i
t'sastart
.Wor ki
ngoutwi t
hKagowasr eall
y
helpi
ng.Ikickedthescalebackundermybed
beforeIwentinthebat hroom andr anwat erinthe
tubforalongbat h.
Islatheredeucalyptussugarscruballovermybody
tomakesur eIwassi lkysmooth.Iwantedhimt o
rememberhowsof tandsmoot hIwasaf terhelef
t
me, Iwant edhimt olongtotouchmewhenhewas
awayf rom me.OnceIwasoutoft hetub,Itr
iedon
mysexyni ghtyagainandadmi redmyselfinit.
ME:2KGmakesahel
lofadi
ff
erence.
Imut t
eredbefor
eIt
ookitoffandpl
aceditont
he
bathroom si
nksoIcoul
dchangeint
oitwhenhe
arr
ivedandwegotintothehotandheavy.

‘
Everything'sal
lset
”Isai
dtomyselfpul
li
ngouta
softl
inendr essfr
om mycloset
.Ipl
aceditonmy
bed.Ididn'twanttogetdr
essedunt
ilhecall
ed,
whichhet oldmewoul dbewhenhewasatt hegat
e
soIcoul dlethimin.
8:45pm,Iputdownt heromancenovelIwas
readi
ng,t
opr epar
eformyr omant
icevening.Iknew
hewouldpr obabl
ybecalli
ngmeshortly.Idel
icat
ely
appli
edabi tofmascar
aandeyeli
ner,pinnedmy
natur
alhairupinahighbun,andstar
edatmysel fin
thefl
oorlengthmirr
or.
Iwentbacki nt
ot heli
vingroom andli
ttherestof
thecandles.Idimmedt helight
s,putonsomesl ow
romanti
csongsandsatont hecouch,thi
nkingof
seducti
vethingst osay.Iwassoexcited.TonightI
'
ll
makehimf al
linlovewithme.
Hour spassedandIkeptmyeyeont hecl
ockonmy
microwave.Myheartgr ewheaviereachti
meI
l
ookedati t
.Itwasnow11: 30pm andhedidn'
tcal
l.I
wasst ar
ingatthefl
oori nadazebef or
emycell
phonebegant ori
ng.Ijumpedupandsnat chedit
offt
hekitchencounter,itwasKago.Ileti
tri
ngonce
morebef or
eIanswer edi t
.
ME:Hel
lo?
It
ri
edt
osoundchi
pper
.
KAGO:Let
ty,
youal
ri
ght
?”
ME:Yeahwhy,
what
'sgoi
ngon?It
houghtyouwer
e
onadate?
KAGO:Iam onadat
e,Samant
hahadal
it
tl
eget
t
oget
herwit
hsomepeoplefr
om wor
k
ME:Wait,
youneedmet
obai
lyououtorsomet
hing?
Shesuckthatbad?
It
ri
edt
ocoverupmydi
sappoi
ntmentaboutOgone
KAGO:No...(
Hepaused)I t
'sj
ustthat
..
.(Hepaused
andclear
edhisthroat
.)Youtol
dmeOgonewas
comingovertospendtheeveningwithyou.
ME:Yeah.
..
and?
(Icoul
dtel
lbyhi
svoi
cehewasn'
tcal
li
ngmewi
th
goodnews).
KAGO:Lerothodi,Iknowyoupr et
tywell
andIknow
you'
re.
..(
Hest ammer ed.)Iknowyou'
rewait
ingf
or
him,butIdon'
twantyousi t
ti
ngupwaiti
ngforhi
m
toshowupbecausehe' snot.He'
sherewit
hAme,
Samantha'sfr
iend,he'snotcomingtoseeyou
toni
ght.
..
Ifel
tli
kehegutpunchedmeinthestomach.Tear
s
begantoforminmyeyes.Il
ookedaroundmy
apart
mentandstaredupatt
heceil
ingsothey
wouldn'
tfal
l.
KAGO:Lett
y,youthere?(
Hewhisper
edi
ntot
he
phone)Ler
othodiar
eyoualr
ight
?
ME:Oh,
yeahI
'
mfi
ne
Ir
epl
i
edst
il
lst
ari
ngupatt
hecei
li
ng.
KAGO:Look,i
fyou'
renotalr
ightI
'
llcomeovert
her
e
andmakeyoulaughabi t
.I'
l
levensingt
oyou,I
knowthatmakesyoulaugh..
.
ME:No, I'
mfinereal
ly.Healr
eadytoldmet hathe
wasgonnagot osomeparty(Itr
iedtosound
casual.
)Iknewalready.Wechangedt hedatefor
anotherdaysogohavef un.I'
m sit
ti
nghereeating
myveggi etr
ayandwat chi
ngTheWal ki
ngDead.
(
Hewassi
lentbef
orehespoke)
KAGO:Iknowyoupr
ett
ywel
lLet
ty…
Hegr
ewqui
et.
ME:Iknowyoudo, butKago,I
'm alr
ight(Isai
d
ster
nly)I
'm si
tt
inghereinsweatsandt hankingyou
formakingmeeatt hesecarr
ots.(Il
aughed,
knowinghewoul dlaughtoo)
.
Ihear
dhi
m gi
veasl
ightchuckl
e.
KAGO:Alri
ght
,cal
lmeifyouneedmeandifyou
don'
tI'
l
lseeyoutomor
row,9a.m.okay?
ME:9a.m.andhavefun,butnottoomuchf un
mist
er(Isai
dbefor
eIhungup.It ur
nedoffmy
phoneandthrewmyheadi nmyhands,
di
sappoint
edandheart
broken.Icri
edforhour
s).
*
***
***
**
REMEMBERTOLI
KEANDCOMMENT
[
04/
15,
07:
36] :SDLUDLA:EPI
SODE3
Iwaswor kingouthar dert
hanevert hepastweek
andKagowasi mpressed.Hewat chedmei nawe
whenImanagedt owal kfortyfi
vemi nut esonthe
treadmi l
landr unningt helastfi
fteenmi nutesofit.I
gotof fandmyl egswer ewobblingbef oreIbegant o
stretchthem out .Iremember edt hegi rl,Ame,that
Ogonedi t
chedmef orandwal kedvi ciouslytowar d
thematandbegansi tupswi thoutKagoeven
asking.Hel eftmeal onethemaj or i
tyoft hemor ning,
realizi
nghedi dn'tneedt opushmet owor koutlike
nor mal.
KAGO:Iguessyougotal
otonyourmi
ndhuh?
Heaskedandsatdownnexttome.Af i
tnessmodel
ki
ndofgirlwal
kedbyandwinkedathim.Hesmiled
backatherandIgr
imaced,wi
shingguyswould
winkatmeonceinawhile.
ME:Notalotoft
hings.
..(
Itookanot
hersi
pofmy
wat
er)Il
ost5kg…
KAGO:That
'sgr
eat
!I’
m sopr
oudofyouLet
ty!
Hesai
dloudlyandraisedhi
slar
gepalm upf
orme
t
ogivehi
m ahi ghfi
ve.Idi
dsohappi
ly,heal
ways
mademef eelbet
ter
.
ME:Yeah,
Ifi
gur
e50kgmor
eandI
'
llbet
henext
super
model
Il
aughedl
ight
ly.
KAGO:You'
real
readyasupermodel(
hesai
dturni
ng
hi
sheadtohiswaterbot
tl
e)Beaut
yiswi
thi
n,Lett
y
ME:Thenwhydoyoukeepi
nsi
sti
ngIwor
koutand
changemydi
et?
Ipunchedhi
m pl
ayf
ull
yint
hear
m.
KAGO:BecauseIwantyouheal
thy.Iwantyou
ar
oundforalongti
me(hesaidsoftl
y)
West ar
edateachotherbr
ief
ly,hehadmagnif
icent
eyesandIcouldonl
yholdhisgazeforamoment
befor
ehewonourst ari
ngmat chandIt
urnedaway.
ME:Fai
renough..
.(Ibeganbef
oreSamant
haand
Amewalkedin)
SAMANTHA:Thereyouar
e,I
'
vebeenl
ooki
ngal
l
overf
oryou,
Kago!
Samant
hasai
dpl
oppi
ngdownont
hematwi
thus.
KAGO:Samant
ha,me,t
hisi
sLet
ty,
wewor
k
t
oget
her…mybestf
ri
end…
SAMANTHA:Let t
yisit?
”(Samant haasked
annoyedattheat
tenti
onKagowaspayi ngme)You
justst
artcomi
ngtothegym?( Shel ookedmeover
andstoppedhereyesonmymi dsectiont
oletme
knowshewasawar eofmywei ght )
.
ME:Ki
nda…
Isuddenl
yfeltsel
f-
consci
oussoIpul
leddownmy
bigt-
shi
rtovermystomach.

SAMANTHA:Youshouldjoi
nourki
ckboxi
ngcl
ass,
i
t'
llr
eal
lywor
kof
fthosepounds
(Shestaredatmyt
highs.Shesmi
led
condescendi
ngl
yatme).
Iwantedtoslugheri
nthef
ace,butmanagedt
o
smil
e.Ifoundmyeyesstar
ingdownatmysneaker
s.
KAGO:Wehaveourownwor koutplanandit
's
comingal
ongnicel
y.Shedoesn'tneedyourkick
boxi
ng(Hisvoi
cewascolderthanice).Wegottaget
outofher
eanyway
Ifel
tbadt hathewasal
waystheonetocomet
omy
rescuewhensomeonet r
iedt
omakefunofmy
weight.HeandGaonawer et
heonlyt
woIhadthe
nervetotalkbackt
o.
Asweleftt hegym, Iwassuddenl ymadatKago.
Nowhemadet hosegi r
lsthinkIam somechar
ity
caseofhis.Ok, Icouldn’
tfightmyownbattl
es,but
yougott
al eaveagi rlsomedi gni
tysomet
imes,ao!
ME:Youdi
dn’
thavet
odothat
!Idon’
tneedyou
st
andi
ngupformeal
lthet
ime!
KAGO:What
?
ME:Ihat
ethatyout
hinkofmeassomesor
tof
char
it
ycaseand…
KAGO:What?Whoanow…Idon’
tseeyouasa
char
it
ycase,Ler
otl
hodi
!
ME:Youneverhavet
ost
andupf
orSamant
haor
Gaonaor
…
KAGO:That
’sbecausenoneoft
hem mat
ter
….
ME:(sni
cker
ing)whati
sthatevensupposedt
o
mean?
Hestoodstar
ingatmef orthemoment,t
hencl
osed
i
nonme.Hegent l
yleanedi nandki
ssedmywar ms
l
ips.Ist
oodther
econf usedashepulledawayand
t
ookshaky,shal
lowbr eaths.
KAGO:Don’tyougetit
,Lett
y…Il
ikeyou,haveal
ways
l
ikedyou…areyouthatbl
indofj
ustnaïve?
Thenhecamei nforanotherkiss….hisl
ipsbrush
mine.Noti nnocentl
y,li
keat easebuthot ,f
ier
y,
passionateanddemandi ng.Iwant edtopullaway
befor
eIl osemysel fbutIcouldn’tseem to…Inthi
s
mintymoment ,mysenseshadbeenseducedandI
couldnol ongert hi
nkstraightwithhisli
psonmi ne
andhi shandspi nni
ngmeagai nstmycar .
KAGO:Ler
otl
hodi
…
Hewhi speredsl
owly,
prol
ongi
ngeachlet
terasift
o
savourthem.Ismil
ed,myhear
tfl
utt
eri
ngathis
voi
ce,mynameonhi spolishedaccentsoundi
ng
l
ikepur
esil
k.Neverbeforehasmynameeverf el
t
sowonder
fulaone,Ithought,asIl
eaninfor
anot
herki
ss.
Myphonebr oughtmebackt omysenseswithits
l
oudbeep.Islight
lypushedhim awayandwalkeda
di
stancefr
om him, pul
li
ngoutmyphoneand
answeri
ng.
ME:Hel
lo?
OGONE:Let
ty,
itsOgone
ME:Yes?
Itr
iedtocl
earmythr
oatandhopedhecoul
dn'
thear
t
henervousnessi
nmyvoice.
OGONE:I
'
m sor
ryaboutl
astni
ght
..
.
HebeganandIcoul
dn'
twai
ttohearhi
sli
e.
OGONE:If or
gotIwasaskedtogot oapartyoneof
thegir
lsinourbui
ldi
ngwashaving.IfIhad
cancel
ledshewouldhaveneverletmef or
geti
t.I
havethreephonesandsi
nceIonl ycal
ledyouonce
Ididn'
thaveyournumberonmet oletyouknow.I
wenti
ntot
heoff
icetodayandgotmyphonesand
t
hat'
swhereI
'
m call
ingyoufr
om now
ME:You'
reatwor
k?
Iaskedst
unnedhewoul
dgoi
nont
heweekend.
OGONE:Yeah,Ihadt
ofinishupsomethingsandit
coul
dn'
twait
.Iwasrunningali
tt
lebehi
ndont hem
al
l
SoIguesshe'snotseei
ngAmet onightaf
teral
land
hereal
lydi
dwanttoseeme, buthadnowayof
cal
li
ngme.Ifel
talotbet
ter
.
ME:Iunder
standandi
t'
sal
ri
ght
…
OGONE:Doyout hi
nkIcancomeovernow?I
under standi
fyoudon' twantt
oseemeafterl
ast
night,butIpromiseI'
llmakeitupt
oyou.I
'l
lbr
ing
somef ood,wineandwecanwat chTVforawhil
e,
untilyoukickmeout
Hechuckl
edandIj
oinedhi
m.
ME:Soundsgr
eat
,I'
l
lseeyouwhenyougether
e
Isai
dbefor
ewehungupt
henr
anbackt
omycar
el
ated.
KAGOst oodwatchingmehandsf
oldedoverhi
s
chest
,looki
ngfuri
ous.
ME:I
…uhm…Kago,
I’
llseeyouonMonday.
KAGO:Real
lyLet
ty?Ser
iousl
y?
ME:Igot
tago…
Idroveli
kemadandreachedhomei nr ecordti
me.
ThankGodIhadcleanedupl astni
ght.Iranint
othe
showerandusedmy‘ speci
aloccasi
ons’ Hermes
showergelKagohadalsoboughtfrom mewhen
he’
dt r
avell
edt
oUK.
Ilitthehal fburnedcandl esfrom theni ghtbefore
andspr ayedonabi tofper f
ume, alsoapr esent
from Kago.Il ookedar oundtheapar t
mentt omake
sur eitstil
llookedpr esentabl
e.Ical culat
edt hedri
ve
from wor kt omyhouseandknewi fhewasl eavi
ng
nowhewoul dbet herewi t
hinthehour .Iputona
yellowpai rofsweatcapr isandmat chingt-shir
tso
i
twoul dn'tappearIwast ryi
ngt oohar d.ThenI
turnedupt heTVandgotcomf ort
abl eont hecouch
andwai tedf orhimtoar ri
ve.
Myhear
tbeatwaser
rat
icwhenhef
inal
lyknocked
onmydoor
.
OGONE:Youl
ookni
ce
Hesaidbeforeheki
ssedmycheekandwal
kedin
wit
hal ar
gebagoffoodandanot
herbagwi
thtwo
bot
tlesofwine.
OGONE:Foryou…
Hehel
doutal
argebouquetofr
edr
oses.
ME:Thankyousomuch
Ismiledeartoearandacceptedthem.Nobodyhad
everr
eall
yboughtmef l
ower
s.Imean, I
’m nota
fl
owerskindofgir
l,buti
twasstil
lnice.
Imoti
onedf orhimtoputt
hef oodandwi
neont
he
count
er.Icouldn'
t'
stopsmil
ing.
ME:Thesear
ebeaut
if
ul
Ipul
ledoutanot
hervaseandbegant
oputwateri
n
i
tsoIcoul
dmaket hoserosesl
astal
if
eti
me.
OGONE:Soar
eyou…
Hestat
edandstar
edatmefrom t
hel
ivi
ngr
oom
bef
orehesatdownonthecouch.
Istar
edatt helargeamountoffoodheboughtand
knewIcoul dn'
teatit
.Kagomadeani cedietforme
tofol
lowandi ncorpor
atedafewdesser t
si nitf
or
measwel l
.IfIat
esomeoft hefoodhebr oughtthen
Icoul
dn'thavemyhal fofabrowniehecutupf or
me.Igrabbedapl ateandbegantof i
xhisf oodonit
.
Isett
het ableandpouredhim aglassofwi ne.
Hest ayedt henightwi t
hmeandIwasamazed.We
talkedal lnight,Itoldhim everyt
hingaboutmeand
het oldmeal otabouthi m aswel l
.Wel aughed,
drankwi neandf ellasl
eept oget
heront hecouch.
Sundaymor ni
nghewokeupbef oreme.If el
thim
kissmyf oreheadbef orehel ef
t,evenifhedidn't
wakemet otellmehewasl eavi
ngIwascont ent.I
wal kedint otheki t
chent oseeanot eheleft.

'
Lett
y,hadagreatti
melastnight
.It
'sni
cetobewit
h
someoneandfinal
lybemyself.Wehavetodoit
agai
n,SOON!Callyoul
ater,
Ogone'

Ij
umpedupanddowni
ntheki
tchen.“
Iknewhe
l
ikedme, Iknewi tIknewitIknewit!
”Itwi
rl
ed
aroundthekitchenandhel dthenot
et omychest
.I
l
ookedatt heclock,9a.m.,andIwasrunni
nglat
eto
meetKagoatt heparkforourrunli
keweusuall
ydo.
Isqueal
edhappi lyasIclosedthedoorandran
outsi
de.Iwasoncl oudnine.

REMEMBERTOLI
KEANDCOMMENT
[
04/
15,
07:
36] :SDLUDLA:EPI
SODE4

Thenextf ewweekswer emagi cal.Ogonecamet o

seemeof t
eni nmyhouseatni ght,ok,hewasal it
tl
e
heldupi ntheofficeforustot alkdur i
ngthedayand
Iunderstood.Besi des,hespentmostni ght
satmy
placeandi twasj ustsobeaut i
ful.Kagowasst ill
in
amoodandsomet imesIfeltli
kehewasavoi ding
me, butIwasj ustinsuchcl oud9wi thmylif
er i
ght
nowIwasn’ tbothered.Iwalkedever ydaywi t
ha
springinmygai t.
Igothomeandcl
eanedupaspermyusualr
outi
ne
whenOgonewascoming,dol
ledupandwai
tedf
or
him.Wespentt
heeveni
ngt
alki
ng,
madelove,
and
tal
kedsomemore.Hewassuchagoodl
ist
ener.
OGONE:So,Lett
y…Iwasthi
nki
ng…(Hesai
d,playi
ng
wit
hmyhairaswel ai
dinbedaft
ermaki
nglovefor
t
hethi
rdti
mei ntheni
ght)
…
ME:Yea?
OGONE:Haveyouevert
houghtofagast
ri
cbypass?
Ofcour seIhadthoughtofagast r
icbypass,when
youhavespentt her estofyourl
if
edeali
ngwi th
weightissues,al
lopt i
onsseem vi
able.I
’
dbeenon
everydietandeverypi l
lyoucanthinkof,
andher eI
sti
llwas.Soyea, Ihadcomeacr ossanar t
icl
eabout
gastri
cbypassandbecameobsessed.ExceptI
couldn’
taffordit
…
OGONE:Imean…youar ebeautif
ult
hewayyouar e,
butI
’mjustsaying…ifyouaret hi
nki
ngofi t…Icoul
d,
youknow…sponsori t.Ihaveat r
ipi
nSi ngaporeand
IwasGooglinggast r
icbypassandIr eadabouta
famouscli
nicthere.Theyalsodol i
posuction…you
coul
ddobot h…andmaybeat ummyt uck…I’l
lpay…
Hewasr
esear
chi
ngst
ufff
orme?If
eltl
iket
hat
emoj ithathasheartsforeyes.Ogonewasjust
perfect.Iknowyoumi ghtthink,duh,
heist
ryingto
changeyou, doesn’
tli
keyout hewayyouare,bl
ah
blah!Butl ookatitf
rom mysi de!Heact
ual
ly
Googl edst uf
fforme…andi swill
ingt
opayfor
me…wow!
ME:Idon’
tknow…i
twoul
dtakemef
orevert
opay
youback…
OGONE:Whydoesmygir
lfri
endhavetopayme
backf
ormedoingsomet
hingniceforher
?
Gi
rl
fr
iend!Hecal
ledmeagi
rl
fr
iend!
OGONE:So,yea,wewil
lleavei
nthr
eedays’
time
andI’
l
lemailri
ghtnowandbookyouan
appoi
ntment.
Ok,thiswasget ti
ngtooreal…Imean, gast r
icbypass
wasanat t
ract
iveideaintheor y…butt
oact uall
ygo
aheadanddoi t…havethewei ghtl
osssur gery?I
mean, myworkoutwithKagower ealreadywor ki
ng.
Slow, butwewer emakingpr ogress.Surgerywasa
bi
tdr asti
c.
ME:Idon’
tknow,
Ogone…Ij
ust
…thi
nkmaybei
t’
sa
bi
tdr
ast
ic?Icoul
djustwor
koutand…
OGONE:(dismissively)that
’lltaketoolong…Iwant
ustobeabletogot ofunctionst ogetherandthings,
Lett
y…youareagor geousgi rl
.Wej ustdot hi
sand
you’
llbeperf
ect.Ther eisnot hingtobescar ed
about…I
’l
lberighttherewi t
hyout hroughitall
.

*
***
***
*

If
inal
lycaughtKagoforl
uncht
henextdaywhen
Gaonahadcalledbot
hofusout.
Wewentouttotherest
aur
antandat
e,Kagomaki
ng
ver
yli
tt
leconver
sat
ionwit
hme.
ME:So,
li
keyouguysar
enotgoi
ngt
obel
ievet
his.
GAONA:Youwon’tt
helot
ter
y?Becauseyouknow
I
’veal
waysbeenyourf
ri
endandallt
hat…
ME:( al
mostsqueali
ng)Ogoneistaki
ngmet op
Singapore!Canyoubeli
evei
t!Thefur
thestI
’
vegone
outofthecountryi
sSouthAfri
ca…
KAGO:(
murmuri
ngunderhi
sbr
eat
h)Ii
nvi
tedyout
o
Fr
anceandyousai
dno.
ME:( caressi
nghi scheek)Comenow, MrLe
Blanc…youf ami lyisal lgorgeousandIdi dn’twant
togomeett hem andhavet hem disappointedinyou
foryourchoi ceoff riends.Besi des,thi
sisn’ta
l
eisuret r
ip…( Iknewt hejudgementwascomi ng
evenbef oreIsai dit)Ogonei spayingformy
surgeries…gast r
icbypass, l
iposuction,andat ummy
tuck.Ihaveal readyappl i
edl eaveandi ti
sappr oved.
KAGO:Ar eyouinsane,Ler
otl
hodi!Fir
stofall
,you
don’tneedal
lthatshi
t!Secondl
y,thatmany
surgeri
esatoncecouldkil
lyou!I
sn’tthatwhat
KanyeWest ’
smom di edfr
om?Compl i
cati
onsfrom
toomanysur ger
iesatonce?
ME:Thedoct
orOgonei
staki
ngmet
oisver
y
r
eputabl
e!
KAGO:Idon’tthi
nkit’
smedi cal
lyadvi
sed,Lett
y!And
sensibl
edoctorwil
lref
usetodot hatmany
surgeri
esatonce,andrecoveryisnoteasy!
GAONA:Hei
sri
ght
,Let
…andl
ikehesai
d,youdon’
t
needi
t.I
fMrPompouswassoinloveli
keyousay.
Hewouldloveyouj
ustt
hewayyouare.
ME:Hedoes!I
t’
sjustt
hat
…
KAGO:Jutnot hing,Lerotl
hodi.Evenabl i
ndman
canseeyouar eagor geouscurvygirl
!Wi t
hthose
surger
ies,you’
llbeMrAr r
ogant’sveryownSof i
a
Vergar
a, andthenhecanpar adeyouar oundli
kea
tr
ophy.Ican’tletyoudot his,
Letty!No!
ME:Excuseme,whodi edandmadeyouki ngover
myli
fe?Youdon’t‘
l
et’medoanyt hi
ng!Foroncea
manactual
lyshowsinteresti
nmeandyoust art
t
hisshi
t…Ogoneistr
yingt ofi
xourr
elat
ionshi
p,so
l
eavemealone.
Istoodupandgr
abbedmyhandbagwithahuff
,
hail
ingandr
unni
ngint
oapassi
ngtaxibef
orehe
caughtupwit
hme.

*
***
***

Iwassoexci
ted,
I’
dneverr
eal
lybeenonanai
rpl
ane
before,andi
twassuchablast.TheSingapor
e
ai
rpor twasal
lli
ght
sandeverythi
ng.Itwasa
gorgeousnewwor l
dthatIj
ustloved.
Ogoneliter
allydumpedmeatt hehospi
tal,madethe
necessarymonet arypayment sanddisappearedon
me.Fort henextthreedaysIwaspokedand
proddedwi t
hneedl esallonmyown.Iwi shedI
couldcallKagoover ,butnotonlywashemi l
es
away,hewasst i
llmadatme.Iwasi nsomuchpai n
bythetimet hesurgeriesweredone,butIknew
soonI’l
lbeseeingr esult
s.
Istayedinthehospi
talforfi
vedaysandthenIwas
discharged,wi
thacourier
edplaneti
cketleftat
recepti
onandanapol ogynotefr
om Ogoneabout
havingmor emeeti
ngsandhowhecoul dn’tcome
backwi thme.
Iwassi t
ti
ngi ntheairpor
twai t
ingformyfl
ightwhen
Icheckedi ntoFacebook…Kago’ sprof
il
easboring
asalways.I fIwasasgor geousashewas, I’
dbe
posti
ngpi cturesever
yday, butthi
sguy’sl
ast
pict
ureswas6mont hago.Gaonawi thher
thousandf oodimages…andt henOgone’sprofi
le….
Meet
ings,
right
!
Hewast aggedi nphotosataser i
esofparti
esin
Macau,drinkingandpartyingwithsever
alsti
ckthi
n
exoti
cmodel s.From t
hever yfi
rstdaywearri
ved
herewhenher ushedofftoMacau.Hehadbeenout
ther
epartyingwhi l
eIwasal oneandinpain.
If
elthott
ear
sst
ingatmyeye…
Kagowouldneverdosuchat
hing.Hel
l,
Kago
woul
dn’
tleavemealonewhenIhadasimplef
lu.

*
***
***

Adayaf t
erIar
ri
vedback,
Kagowasatmydoor
checki
ngonme.
KAGO:Howwasyourt
ri
p?Howar
eyouf
eel
ing?
ME:Li
keI
’
vebeenr
unoverbyat
ruck…
Bothphysical
lyandemotional
ly.Ogonesti
llhadn’
t
cal
led.Hewasst i
llget
ti
ngtaggedinMacauphot os
andvideos.Part
yingandli
vingitup.Notcari
ng
whathappenedt ome.Ial
moststal
kedhi
sprof
ile
ever
yfewmi nutes,
andhisWhatsAppshowedthat
hewasonlinetoo.
KAGO:Ij
ustwant
edt
omakesur
eyouwer
eal
ri
ght
Hel
ookedatmeser
iousl
y.
ME:I
'
m gonnabeal
ri
ght
Hesatdownsof
tl
yont
hebedwi
thmeandpi
cked
upmyhand.
KAGO:Iplanonmaki
ngsureyouare.Doyouneed
metocallyourmom,
letherknowyou'
real
ri
ght
?
ME:No,shehasnoi
deaandyouknowhowIhat
e
di
scussi
ngmyweightwi
thheranyway
Henoddedi
nacknowl
edgement
.
KAGO:Well
,Ibr
oughtmybagofclothesandwe'l
l
haveagoodti
meinthehousethi
sweekend.We
canchi
ll
,wat
chsomemovi es,
andjustrel
axal
ri
ght?
Hesai
dwi
thr
aisedeyebr
ows.
Ishookmyheadbef
oret
ear
sbegant
ofor
minmy
eyes.
KAGO:What
'swr
ong?
Hewipedawaysometear
sthatr
oll
eddownmy
f
aceontothepi
ll
ow.
Ibegant
olaughl
ight
ly.
ME:Thi
shur
tssof
reaki
ngbad…
Icr
iedandl
aughedal
latonce
KAGO:( soft
ly,hol
dingmyhand)we’ l
lworkt
hrough
thi
s(hemovedaf ewl oosestr
andsofhairf
rom my
face).I'
l
lgetyourpainpil
ls,
andfixussomebr unch,
thent r
yhelpyoumoveyourbodyar oundabit
,
alr
ight?
ME:Yesdaddy(
Igr
oanedandpul
ledt
hecover
sup
onme).
KAGO:( l
aughi
ng)damnri
ghtI'
m yourdaddysoget
thatassmoving(hewi
nkedandwalkedoutmy
bedroom)
Imanagedt ositupinthebedaft
erhel
eft
,but
anyt
hingthatrequir
edthemusclesonmystomach
toworkcausedi nt
ensepain.Nopai
nnogainLet
ty,
sogetyourbigassup.Istoppedandchuckl
edto
mysel
f,wonder
inghowmuchlongeri
twoul
dbe
bef
oreIst
oppedsayingbi
gass.
Myphoner anganditwasahustl
etryi
ngtoreachi
t,
butIfi
nal
lymanaged.Aninter
nat
ionalnumber.
Couldonl
ybeoneper son.
ME:(
answer
ingt
hephone)whati
sit
,Ogone?
OGONE:Howar eyou,beaut i
ful?Alr
eadyshedthose
poundsyet
?Sendmepi ctures,l
etmesee.Iam so
sorr
yfordi
tchi
ngyouliket hat…butmymeetings…I
am aboutt
ogointoanot heroner i
ghtnow…
Icouldheardrunkgir
lvoi
cesbegginghimtotake
them tohi
sroom, andsomeblari
ngmusi cata
dist
ance.Iwasjustsodonewithhisli
es.WhydoI
tort
uremyselfwit
hhiml i
ket
hat?
Ogonei shandsomeandI ’
dhadacr ushonhi mfor
thelongest…butIwaswor thmor et
hanhi s
treat
ment,ao!He’dtakenadvantageofmyl owself
-
esteem andI’dhadenoughofhi sli
es.Ipulledt
he
phoneawayf r
om myearwhi leheblabberedonwi t
h
mor eli
es,andhitt
helitt
leredicontoendt hecal
l,
thenproceededtoblockhim everywhere.Facebook,
Whatsapp,hi
snumberhej
ustcal
ledmewi
th,
and
t
helocalnumber.
Ihear
dKagoanswer
inghi
sphonei
nthel
ivi
ngr
oom.
KAGO:Heybabe…no…nothomer i
ghtnow, helping
outaf r
iendwhoi ssick,I’
llbeatherplacefort he
weekend…r elax,sheisjustaf ri
endandshei si na
rel
ationship…youshoul dcomebyandmeether .I
’m
actuallysoexci tedforyout omeether,sheismy
bestf ri
end…youar ethebest …thanksfor
under standing.Alri
ght,letmeaskheri fshei sf i
ne
wit
hyoucomi ngoverf ordinner…loveyou,bye.
Wow.I’
dneverheardKagotellanywomant hathe
l
ovedher.Never
,notanyofthosefastfl
oozieshe
sl
eptwi
thwi t
h.Ok,maybemet hatonetime…buti t
di
dn’
tmat t
ernowbecausehel ovedanotherwoman.
Hecamei ncar
ryi
ngatrayofheal
thyfood,
smoot
hies,pur
eedvegetabl
es,
yogurt
,andafr
uit
sal
ad…
Ismil
edathim sadl
yashearrangedt
hebedt r
ay
overmeandfixedmypil
lowssoIcansitup
comfort
abl
y.HowcouldIeverhadthoughtOgone
wasbet t
erthant his?Thissupergor geousmanwi t
h
hisblonddreadsandbr oadasabar nshoul dersand
achestlikeaskat eboardandthemosti ntense
hazeleyesthatwoul dmakeanywomanmel t…a
cari
ngandsweetmanl i
kethi
s,wi t
habi ghear tt
he
wayhehas?Af terhowhor ri
bleI’
dbeent ohi m when
i
tcamet oOgone, andhewasst i
llherenur singme
l
ikeIwaswor t
hamomentofhi slife?Howonear th
wasIsobl indforsol ong?Nowhewast aken…
Anyonegotat imemachi ne?
*
***
***
*
REMEMBERTOLI
KEANDCOMMENT
[
04/
15,
07:
37] :SDLUDLA:5

Kagobr oughtKesegof ordinneronaSunday.Let

met el
lyou, Kesegoisjustoneofthosegi
rl
syou
cannothat e.Evenifyouarethemostbit
terperson
onearth,that’
sjustasoulyouf al
linl
ovewithat
fi
rstsi
ght.
Shewasverybeauti
fulbutnotshal
low,qui
et
humbl
eactual
ly.Sheisanindiepubli
shedwri
ter
andjustopenedaspi ceandherbsshopwher eshe
sell
shomer emedies.Sheisveganandvol unteer
s
atSPCA.Shet akescareofherlatesist
er’
stwo
smallkids,
sendt hem toapr i
vatedaycareschool
andall.Shehadbr oughtmeanher balchi
ckensoup
thatactual
lymademef eel
awhol elotbet
ter
.
Wesateati
ngdi
nnerandIactuall
yfoundmysel
f
envi
ousofmyfri
end’shappi
ness.Helooked
genui
nel
yhappywithher.
KAGO:Youshoul
dtellLet
tyaboutyourni
eces,
Kessy…Ij
ustl
ovethosekidsman…theyareso
funny…
KESEGO:( laughing)Cynt hi
ais5andAdelineis
three.Theyar eforeverf asci
nat
edbyKago’ seyes
andaskwhathecol ouredthem wit
htomaket hem
thatcolour
…t heot herdayIgotcal l
edi
natschool
becauseCyt oldthet eachersheisahorr
ibleperson
foreatingmeat !
ME:Theysoundsf
un…so,
howl
onghaveyouknown
Kago?
KAGO:Let
ty,
pleasel
et’
snoti
nter
rogat
eher
?
KESEGO:No, it’
sok.Actuall
ynotl ong,maybeabout
thr
eeweeks.I twassof unnyhowwemet .Hewas
walkinghisdogandmygi rl
sandIwer ewal ki
ngour
dogsand…wel l,ourdogsarenaught yandstart
ed
harassinghi
s…hecamet oitsrescueandt hegir
ls
werenoti mpressedwithhim scoldi
ngtheirdog!
Gosh!Sheevenhasadog!Dogs,
shehasdogs.
Kagolovesdogs.
Wewatchedmovi
es,orIwatchedmovieswhil
ethey
wer
ebusygivi
nggoogleeyestoeachother
.
Eventual
lyKagowalkedhert
ohercar
,andI
watchedthem t
hroughthewi
ndowastheyki
ssed
andthenshedroveoff.
ME:Real
lyKago?Shehaski
ds!
Iscol
dedhi
mthemomenthewal
kedbacki
n
KAGO:Hersist
er’
s,butyea,
theyar
ethemost
per
fectl
it
tl
ethi
ngs,youshouldmeett
hem!
ME:Youhaven’
tevenknownhert
hatl
ong!
KAGO:Iknowright
,andi
tfeelsli
kefor
ever!Sheis
j
ustt
hesmar t
est,mostf
un,funni
estpersonIhave
evermet
,shei
sagoofandi
nacut
eway.
ME:(
undermybr
eat
h)what
ever
…
KAGO:Let
ty,
ist
her
eapr
obl
em?
ME:I’
mjustsayi
ng…youdon’
tknowherthatwel
l,
don’
tgofal
li
nginlove,
shemightbecr
azyorcli
ngy
orsomet
hing.
*
***
***
Becauseoft
henumberofsurger
iesIhadhad,
it
tookmetwoful
lmont
h’srecover
y.Ogonehadnot
evencometoseemeonce.
TodayIwasgoi
ngt
owor
k,andIwasabi
tner
vous.
Af
termyshower
,Ipul
ledoutt
hescal
e.Ihadn’
t
wei
ghedmysel
final
mosttwomonths.
Youshouldhaveheardmyshr iek!Imean, Iwasn’
t
somesuper modeloranythi
ng,butifyouhave
gott
enusedt othr
eedigit
sonascal e,95KGwas
divi
ne!If
eltl
ikeGodhimselfcamedownf rom
heavenandgavemeahug!Canyoubel ieveit
?I
wasunder100kg!
95Kg!
Ok, al
ly’
allskinnybitsouttheremaysay, ‘
butyou
arestil
lfatthough’
…hel l
o!Ijustl
ost21kginunder
threemont hs,sotalkallyouwant!Idon’tcar
e.I
havest r
uggledt ol
oseatl east5kginarowal lmy
l
ife!21bitches!21kg!Woooohoo!If i
stpumpedthe
airandrant omycl oset.
Aft
erspendi
ngtwomonthsonsweat
pant
sand
paj
amas,Ihadnegl
ect
edtothi
nkt
hatmywardr
obe
mayneedachange.
Ipul
ledoutcl
othesaft
ertheot
her,
tryi
ngoutevery
si
ngl
et hi
ng.I
talll
ookedbaggyandunflat
ter
ing.
Atthebackofmycl oset,Ifi
nallyfoundt hatdressI
hadboughtonlineaf ewyear sback.I twasani ce
l
ittl
enumberthathuggedmybodyni celywi thout
maki ngmelookedl i
keanover stuff
edsausage, t
hen
dippedabitatmycl eavage, withagat heredwai st
andawhi tel
it
tl
ebel t.Ihador derediti nasi ze5XL,
onlytofi
ndoutt hatChina’s5XLi sonlyequi valent
tooursize2XL.SonowIwasasi ze2XL!
Wow!
Ihadboughti
twi
thawai
stt
rai
nert
hathad,
you
guessedit,t
urnedoutsmal l
too!Andnowf i
tso
snuggly.If
ast enedi tandlookedatmysel finthe
mirror
,mywai stallsnatched,andt heli
tt
lebelly
bulgethatsti
llremai nedfrom thetummyt uckwas
goneinani nstant!Iputont hedr essthenpul l
edout
mywhi teheels,andwowza!
Look,I’
veal
wayshadesteem i
ssues.I
’venever
thoughtmysel
fanyt
hingtol
ookat,butwhatIwas
seeingint
hemirr
orwasquietdecentItel
lyou.
Iquicklydidmymakeupandcombedmyhai rdown,
thengr abbedmyzucchi
nisoupKesegohadmade
forme, apparent
lyi
thel
pedhealt
hestomachaf
ter
asur gery.
Igoti
ntheoffi
ceandfoundthet
emporaryPAi nmy
seat
.Well
.I’
m back,
sweeti
e.Idi
dn’
thavemucht o
dofort
hedayasMrSedumediwasonl eave.
Ogonefi
nal
lysawmei nt
hepantr
ywhileIwas
washi
ngmyor gani
csouptumbl
er,t
hanksKesego.
OGONE:Wow…li
ke,wow….Ididn’
tknowwehada
newgi
rli
ntheof
fice.HiLet
ty…
ME:Heyyou…
OGONE:So,how’
veyoubeen?Youknow,
Ihave
beenmeani
ngtocomeseeyou…
ME:Ibetyouwer
e…
OGONE:So,
canIcomeovert
hiseveni
ng?Icoul
d
getsomewi
neand…
ME:Li st
en,Ogone…I’mt ir
edofyourshit(ok,
obviouslybodyconfidencebr i
ngsininternal
confidencebecauseIwoul dhaveneverspokento
himl i
kethat.Iwouldhaveneverspokent oanyone
l
ikethat)yout r
eatmel ikesomedirtyli
ttl
esecret
.
Goodenought ofuck,butnotgoodenought osayhi
toinpublic.Ican’
tdot hatanymore.
OGONE:Whati
sthatsupposedt
omean‘
youcan’
t
dot
hatanymor
e’
ME:What
everwedi
dn’
thave…wel
l
,it
’sover
.St
ay
awayf
rom me…
OGONE:Comeon…youdon’
tmeant
hat
…
ME:Oh, butIdo.Iam donewithyouOgone.You
havehurtmer epeatedl
y,buti
t’
sok,i
t’
smyf aul
t
becauseIletyou.It
’sal
ldonenow.Itwashurtf
ul
whi
lei
tlast
ed.Haveagoodl
if
e.
Igr
abbedmygl
assofwat
erandwal
kedout
.
Hef ol
lowedmeint
omyofficeandwehadanot
her
argument,whi
chendedwi
thhim bangi
ngt
hedoor
andcussingmeoutasheleft
.
Thenextdayhebr
oughtf
lower
sandt
ri
edt
o
apol
ogize.
Idon’tknow.Iwasjustlovi
ngt hi
snewmeIwas
discoveri
ng,andnotreadytobet r
eatedli
kea
secondclassciti
zenagain.Itookhisfl
owersand
threwthem inthedustbi
nrightinfr
ontofhim,and
notsopol i
tel
yaskedhimt oleavemyof fi
ce.
Wespentawhol
eweekfighti
ng,
hesai
dal
otof
meanthi
ngs,
butIdi
dn’
tcare.
*
***
***
**
OntheweekendIwentonasol
oshoppingtr
ip,
Gaonawasonaholidaywit
hherf
iancée,
andKago
wasgoogl
eeyingKesegosomewhere.
ButIact
ual
lyl
ovedit
.Lovedmyowncompany.I
tr
iedonsomanyclot
hesandgotqui
teaf
ewitems
t
hatl
ookedr
eal
lygood.
ThenIwenttoaspaf oramassage, f
acial
,andtheir
bodydetoxtr
eatment .Nextwast hesalonwher eI
gotmynaturalhairflatironed,thenamani cur
eand
pedi
curetr
eatment .Ifeltli
keanewper sonwalking
outoft
hatsalon.Igothomeandsoakedi nalong
l
uxuri
ousbath,thenhadmyst eamedcar r
ots,
baked
chi
ckenandboi l
edpot atoesfordinner.
IspentSundaycleani
ngoutmyclosetandwentt o
donatethecl
othesatawomen’sshelterInever
evenknewexistedinGabor
one,whichIfound
thr
oughFacebook.
Thereissomet hingbeautif
ulaboutar einvent
.If
elt
l
ikeabut t
erfl
yfinall
yemer gingoutofacocoon.Yes,
Iwasn’tski
nny, butIlovedmyf atsel
f.Iwasi na
missiontolosemor ewei ght
, butnottoi mpress
anyone.Iwantedt obeheal t
hi er,
Iwant edtofeel
goodaboutmysel f
.
Itt
ookamant r
eatingmeliket
rashf
ormet oreal
ise
myworth…andIjusthopedonedayIcoul
dinspir
e
someonesothattheydon’
thavetogothr
oughwhat
Iwentt
hrough.Becauseyouareworthever
ythi
ng,
nomatt
eryoursize.Neverl
etanyonetr
eatyou
ot
herwi
se.
*
***
***
*
OnMondayIwokeupear lyandwor kedoutwi th
someYouTubevi deosKesegohaddownl oadedand
gavetome.Itoldyouit’
shar dtohatethatgirl
.Then
Ihadmysugar l
esssoursor ghum porr
idgewi t
ha
si
deofanappl ebreakf
ast,andpackedmychi cken
saladl
unch.Ishoweredandputonmynewsexy
blackfor
maljumpsuitt
hathadsheerl acef r
om my
cl
eavageup,pairedwit
hat inysil
verbeltandsome
si
lverheel
edwedges.
WhenIarri
vedatwor
k,Ogonewasal
readyt
her
e
andcal
ledmetohisoff
ice.
OGONE:( handi
ngmeal et
ter
)Ij
ustwanttothank
youforyourservi
ce,youhavebeenastell
ar
employee,butI
’m af
raidyouhavemissedquietal
ot,
andthenewempl oyeeismuchmor ecapableand
exper
ienced.
ME:What
?Youcan’
tfi
reme!Iwasonmedi
call
eave!
Ogone!
OGONE:Well,wearelayi
ngof
funder
per
for
ming
st
aff
,it
’snot
hingpersonal
!
ME:Thehel
lit
’snot
!Thisi
sunfai
r!Howcouldyou
dothi
stome,Ogone,t
hisi
sjustsoimmatur
e,I’
m
sur
eMrSedumediwon’tal
lowthis.
OGONE:Myuncl ereti
red,didn’tyouknowt hat?Ir
un
thi
splacenow, andmyf i
rstmovei ttoonl
yleave
thebestofthebest!Youar eter minatedwit
h
i
mmedi ateeff
ect.Yourdismi ssalpackagehas
alr
eadybeenpr eparedandwi llbegi ventoyou.
Icr
iedandar
guedandbeggedt
onovai
l.
IwantedtoruntoKago’soffi
ceandtel
lhim andjust
havehimtel
lmei twasallgoingt
obeok, but…I
didn’
twantt
oj eopar
disehi
sjobbecauseOgonei s
thatvi
ndi
cti
ve.Whatifhefir
eshimtoo,becauseof
me?
Icl
earedoutmyst uf
ffr
om mytableandwal
kedto
mycar ,t
hanki
ngGodbot hKagoandGaonawere
outoftheoffi
ce.
Iwassodownal
lIcoul
dthinkofwasat
ubofi
ce
cr
eam.Whywastheworldsounfai
r?
Imean,
heusedme!Andthenheget
stor
uinmyl
if
e?
Wherei
sthej
ust
icei
ntheworl
d?
*
***
***
*
Isatdownatar est
aurantandorderedavanil
lai
ce
cream mi
ntmilkshaketoppedwithchocol
atechi
ps
andcaramelsyrup.Ok,nottheheal
thi
est,
butagirl
needsali
tt
lepickmeupr i
ghtnow!
MAN:Excusememi
ss,
doyoumi
ndi
fIsi
t?
Il
ookedupatthepersonwhohadjustaddr
essed
me.Hewasi nt
ernat
ional
.Fr
enchmaybe,wit
hthat
ber
etandaccent.Whatthef
uckdi
dhewant ?I
di
dn’tr
eal
lycare.
ME:I
t’
saf
reecount
ry.
MAN:Ijustcoul
dn’thel
pnoti
cingyourstunni
ng
l
ooks…excusemymanner s.Iam JohnLuc,andI
am wi
ththeFrenchinti
matewear,Boudoir
,hear
dof
i
t?
HaveIhear
dofi
theasked?Duh!Hi
ghendl
inger
ie.
France’
sanswertoVict
oria’
sSecret
.Ihadalways
fantasi
zedofowningapiecefr
om them,butthei
r
clot
hingwasalit
tl
eonthesmal lsi
deforme.
MAN:Wear ecurrentlylookingtoopenabr anchin
SouthAf ri
ca.Wehaver ecentl
yintroducedapl us
sizeli
net hatwewi llint
roducef i
rsti nSout hAfri
ca
withthest or
eopeni ng,thent akeitwor l
dwide.What
I’
ml ookingforisaf acef ortheplussi zeli
ne.Ispent
thepastt woweeksl ookingatpor t
f oliosofplussize
model sinSout hAf r
ica,Botswana…and
Zambi a…andsof arnothinghasi mpr essedme…I
haven’tseenanyonewhoexudeswhatwewantour
brandt orepresent,whatwewanti ttomeant oplus
sizewomen…
ME:Andwhatexact
lyi
sthat
?
MAN:Redi scover
y…that
’sact
ual
lythenameofour
pl
ussizeli
ne…Redécouvert
e…youlookl
ikeawoman
onajourney.Therei
sdeter
minat
ioninyoureyes…
Ir
oll
edmyeyes.Ni
gga,Ij
ustgotf
ir
ed.
Det
ermi
nat
ionmyfatass.
MAN:Il
ookedandl
ooked,
haven’
tfoundanyone,
I
wasabouttohitNiger
ia…well
unti
lIf
oundyou.You
ar
eit
.Youar eexactl
ywhatwear el
ookingfor
.Who
i
syouragent?I’
dliketohaveatal
kwiththem.
*
***
***
*
REMEMBERTOLI
KEANDCOMMENT
[
04/
15,
07:
38] :SDLUDLA:EPI
SODE6

IwantedJohnLuctobef akesodamnmuch.Like,
haveyouevenbeenf acedwit
hsomet
hinggreatand
youarejustsoscar
edandyouhopeitfal
lst
hrough
soyoudon’thavetodoi t
?
Exact
lywhatIwasf
eel
ing.
Unfortunatel
y,JohnLucwasver yr eal.Notonlywas
hement i
onedint heoffi
cialBoudoirwebsite,t
here
wasl otsofvideosofhi m withBoudoirfounder
Cecil
eLasal l
e.Andvi deoofhi m addressi
ngmedi a.
Everythingwasl egi
t.
Iwaslegi
tbei
ngheadhunt
edbyoneofFrance’
s
bi
ggestpeopl
eint
hefashi
onindust
ry…
KagoknockedandIwentt
oopenf
orhi
m.He’
d
br
oughti
nsomefr
eshl
ymadepopcor
n,beer
,and
movi
estowat
ch.
KAGO:(huggi
ngme)Ihear
dwhathappened.I
’
m so
sor
ryLett
y…
ME:I
t’
sok…Ogonei
sadi
ck.
KAGO:Ar
eyouok?Youl
ookt
err
ibl
e…
ME:It’
sjust
…Idon’
tknow,Kago,doyouthinkI’
m
pret
ty?Behonest
.Notasafriend,asaperson,if
youdidn’
tknowme,wouldyout hi
nk,‘
hey,
t hat
’sa
pret
tygir
l’
KAGO:Ar eyoukidding?Let t
y,youaregorgeous,
andno, I’
m notspeaki ngasaf ri
end,butasaman.I
mean, youwer estil
lpret t
yashellbef
ore,butt
his
newlyreinventedLetty?I ’
venoti
cedmor ethana
fewguyst akesecondl ooks.Idon’
tknowwhot old
youhavi nganext r
awei ghtmadeoneanyl ess
pret
ty.Wai t,whati
st his?
Hepi
ckedupJohnLuc’
scar
dfr
om t
het
abl
e…
KAGO:(
exci
tedl
y)What
!Noway!Youar
eincont
act
wit
hJohnLucPrat
?What!
Inoddedwi
thal
it
tl
elessent
husi
asm t
hathi
m.
KAGO:Let!Thi
sisgreat
!Wow!Howdi
dthi
seven
happen…Imean,whendid…
ME:Heapproachedmeatarest
aur
ant
today…want
smet obet
hefaceoft
hei
rnewpl
us
sizeli
ne.
KAGO:Ok,I’
m pi
cki
ngonalotofnegati
veenergy
ri
ghtnow.ComeonLet!Thi
sisgreat
…youhave
al
wayssaidyouwantedtot
ravel
,andyou’
llgett
o
makelotsofmoneywhil
eatit
.
ME:But
…Ij
ust
…Imean,
doyout
hinkIcanmodel
?
KAGO:Iknowt hi
sguywhor unsatal
entagency,
Act
ifModels.Comeon, MsSuperModel,
wear e
goi
ngtoseehi mrightnow!
ME:ButKago…
KAGO:I’m notlet
ti
ngyouletthi
spassyoubyLet ty.
Iknowyou, youareafr
aidtoventur
eintonew
thi
ngs.Youar edoingt
his,
ifIhavetodragyouto
shootski
ckingandscreaming.Let’
sgo!(hepull
ed
myhandsandwegott ohiscaranddr ovetothe
guy’
shouse
*
***
***
**
Theguy,Raymond, cametoopent hedoorforus.
Kagoquickl
ytoldhim mystoryandhewasecst ati
c.
Heagreedtosignmei mmedi at
elyandbroughtus
thef
orms.Kagoi nsi
stedwegol ookthem over
night,
andinthemorningwet ookthem overtoalawyer.
Iwassot
hankfult
ohaveKagoar
oundf
oral
lthi
s.I
woul
dhavebeenlost
.
Af
tert
hel
awyerwewentbackt
oRaymond.
KAGO:Youhaveani ceof f
er,Ray,myman, butLet
herei soff
eredani nt
ernati
onalcontractbyBoudoi r,
man!Doyouknowhowbi gthatis?Andshescor ed
allthatwit
houtyou.Imagi newhatt hi
si sgoingto
dot ohername!She’ l
lbebooki ngbigdeal swith
otherbrands, andmaki ngshit
loadsofmoney.That
willbeallonher !Doyouseehowgor geousthisgir
l
i
s?OnceBoudoi rput
sheront hespotli
ght,ever
yone
willwantapi eceofthis!That’
swhywecan’ taccept
the30%f eeyourcont ractpresents…
RAYMOND:Ae,
KG,
youar
ejustt
ryi
ngt
ori
pme
of
f.
..
that
’sourr
ule.
KAGO:AndI’
mfr
iendswi
thsever
alot
hert
alent
manager
s.5%
RAYMOND:Tl
hemonnaatl
east20%
KAGO:8%
RAYMOND:15%andwehaveadeal
.
KAGO:10%andt hatismyf i
nalof
fer,Lettygrab
yourbag, let’
srollifhedoesn’
twantthi s…Let t
yis
practical
lyhandingyou10%ofherear ningsfor
nothing!Youwon’ tbepit
chingherforjobs, she’
llbe
getti
ngcal ls.She’salr
eadyproventhatwi thJohn
Lucandyouknowhowhar dtoimpresshei s.
RAYMOND:Yea, herej
ect
edal lourmodels…f
ine.
10%,butshegi
vesmeatl eastafiveyear
scontact
wit
hfir
stpri
ori
tyforr
enewal.
KAGO:Fine,butwehavetogooverallyour
cont
ract
’scondit
ionsf
ir
st.Wearenotsigni
ng
anyt
hingyet.I
nthemeantime,
contactJohnLuc
andaccept.
*
***
***
**
Thenextf ewmont hswer esuchafr
enzyof
acti
viti
es.Boudoirsponsoredmystayin
Johannesburg,andever ydaywasmeasured,
proddedandphot ographedforfi
vedaysaweek.I
wast aughthowt oposeandbesul t
ryandallt
he
thi
ngst hephotographerwanted.
Iwasact
ual
lyenj
oyi
ngi
t.
Kagocametovisi
tonweekends,andsometimes
he’
dbri
ngKesegoandGaona.Itwassuchabl ast
.
We’dbi
ngewatchTVseri
esandtalkaboutrandom
thi
ngsandever
ythi
ngwasjustsoperf
ect.
Ididn’treal
lyhavetimet omakenewf ri
ends.Fir
st
ofallI’
m notthat‘walkupt opeoplekindofgirl
’,
I’
m
j
ustusedt obeinginvisi
bleandnobodyt aking
notice,soIspendal lmyt i
mewor king,atcompany
events,orinmyapar t
ment
Theonlynewper sonIwoul
dcallafri
endmaybe
wasBella,
Isabell
aLeGuen,aFrenchplussi
ze
modelwhohadbeeni ntheindust
ryforawhil
e.
Unl
ikemostoft hemodelsImetattheBoudoi
r
st
udio,
Bellawascool.Shewasveryniceand
f
ri
endl
y.
Whi l
eother swerebusyobsessi ngaboutt heirlooks
andwhatt heyate,Bell
adidn’tcare.Shej ustliked
havingfun, andIlearntver
yqui cklythatsucht r
ait
s
werer ar
ei nmodel s.Weseet hem inmagazi nesand
wewantt olooklikethem,havet heirglamor ous
l
ives.Butgetupcl oseandper sonal,andmostof
them arereallyi
nsecur ewit
hnast yat t
itudesand
esteem issues.
Thei
ndust
rydoest
hatt
oyou.
Thenumberoft i
mesIhadbeent ol
dmyphot os
werejust‘plainugl y’andt hatIhadt odobet terifI
wantedtobet hefaceofBoudoi rwasenought o
sendanyonet oament albreakdown.Ihadt okeep
upwithmywei ghtrequirementandIcoul dn’
teven
goaquar terki logram abovei t.Icouldn’
tdo
anyt
hingtomyf acet hatwoul dcausebr eakouts,I
hadspecificr ecommendedpr oductstouse.Ihad
todosever allasert reatment stogetr i
dofcel l
uli
te
andgetflawl essski n.
I
twasal
lsodr
aini
ng,
butI
’
dsi
gnedacont
ract
,ri
ght
?
*
***
***
*
Todaywasf i
nallyt
hedayf orthestorel
aunch…and
thelaunchofmycampai gn.Iwassoner vousIwas
actuall
yshaking.Thepastf i
vemont hswe’ ddonea
fewr unwayshowst ogetexper i
ence,butt hi
swas
thebigthing.Notonlywer ewehavi ngar unway
opening,myBi l
lboardswer ebeingunvei l
ed,and
alsothemagazi newi t
hmyei ghtpagelingerie
spread.Itwaslikemyl it
tlerevealday.
Isti
llcoul
dn’tbel
ieveIwaspr anci
ngaboutinfr
ont
ofatleasta100peopl ei
nmyunder wearasI
walkedtherunwaywi thasultrysmil
eonmyf ace.
Lookingatthepictur
esfrom therunwayshowinthe
newspaperthenextmor ning,youwouldhave
thoughtIwast hemostconf i
dentgir
loneart
h.
Aftert
her unwayshow,wewentt otheaft
erparty
thecompanywashost ing.Therewereseveral
i
nternati
onalpeopl
ewhohadat t
ended.Iwatched
theothergirl
smingl
eandi nt
eract
,andjustsatina
cornernursingmydri
nk.
‘
Hey’
Ilookedupt oseet hebrightsmileofAntoneCr os.A
reti
redFrenchnat i
onalwhopl ayedf ort
hebig
l
eaguesi ntheNBA.Hewasal soamul t
i-
mill
ionair
e
withseveralbusinessinvestment sandshares
wor l
dwide,andoneoft hem wasBoudoi r
.Ionly
knewt hatbecauseBel l
ahadt oldmeabouthi m,and
thateveryothergirlwil
lbegunni ngforhimtonight
ashewasf reshl
ysi ngl
e,justbrokeupwi t
hhi s
supermodelgi r
lf
riendDor aTravis.
Andnowhewast
alki
ngt
ome.Me!
ME:(Ial
mostwhi
sper
ed.Whatdi
dhewantwi
th
me?)Hi…
ANTONE:Youwer eawesomeont her
unway
toni
ght…Isawyourshots,
andI’
llsay,
I’
venever
seenthecameraloveanyoneasmuchasi tdoes
you.
Ibl
ushedandl
ookeddown
ME:Thanks…
ANTONE:Wehaven’
treal
lybeeni
ntr
oducedyet
.I’
m
Ant
one…youar
eLett
y,ri
ght?
ME:(
ner
vousl
y)Yes…
ANTONE:HaveyouseenyourBi
ll
boar
dyet
?You
l
ookmajest
ic…
Ishookmyheadno.Ihadnothadt
hechance.
ANTO:Wannagetoutofher
eandgochecki
tout
?
ME:Uhm…I
…sur
e…
Heusher
edmet ooneofhissportscars,don’
task
mewhich,Idon’tknowthei
rnames.Thebi ll
board
wasawesomeashehadsai d.Icouldn’
tstop
st
ari
ngatit!Thatwasmeupt here,canyoubelieve
i
t?Iwasonabi ll
board.
Hewasni ceandall
,sowhenhesuggest edwegot o
hishotelsuit
etochil
l…well
,fi
rstofall,
Iam quit
e
i
ndecisiveinthecompanyofconf identandbig
peoplelikehi
m.Andofal lt
hegi r
ls,hewas
choosingmet ohangoutwi th!Pl
usi twasn’
tjustus,
i
twasasmal lgroupofhisfri
endsgett oget
her.SoI
wassaf e.
*
***
***
Wegott
oAnt
one’
shot
elandi
twasj
ustus,
buta
fewpeoplesoonar ri
vedfrom t
heafterpart
y.
BoudoirfounderCecil
e…JohnLuc…someot herfew
sharehol
dersofthecompany.Iwast heonl
ymodel
ther
e.Wesatandhadaf ewdri
nksbef or
eot her
s
star
tedleavi
ngandIwasl ef
talonewithAntone.I
i
nsistedIshouldleavetoo.
ANTONE:Comeon,Let
ty,whatther
ush…(hesai
d,
hi
shandbrushi
ngmythigh.Iwasstar
ti
ngtoget
uncomf
ort
able)
ME:(l
aughi
ngawkwardlyasIpushedhi
shandf
rom
mythi
gh)Ihavewor
kt omorr
ow…
ANTONE:Noyoudon’ t
,Ceci
l
esaidaf
tersucha
successfulevent
,yougi
rl
scanhaveadayoff
tomorrow.Justonemoredri
nk.
Ieventual
lyaccept
edthedr
inkandhewentovert
o
theapartmentbartof
ixi
twhil
eIsati
nthesofa
huggingmyself.
*
***
***
*
IwokeupinAntone’
sbed,naked…andIcoul
dn’
t
rememberathi
ng.Whatthehell
?
Hecamei
nwi
thasmi
leonhi
sface.
ANTONE:Mor ni
ngbeautif
ul…l
astni
ghtwas
awesome, wasn’ti
t?Wannagoanotherround?(he
j
umpedont hebedbesidemeandki ssedmeonmy
neck.It
ightenedthesheetsar
oundmeandl ooked
away)
Whatthehell
!Whatt
heact
ualhel
l,
Idi
dn’
twantt
o…I
neveragr
eed…
ME:MayIaskwhatexact
lyhappenedbet
weenus
l
astni
ght
?
ANTONE:Anightofpassi
on,
miamor…(helaughed
andwi
nked)Letmetakeyoutobr
eakf
astanddrop
youof
fatyourapar
tment.
Iwasst i
llinsuchshockIsai dnothing.Ihardly
touchedt hegourmetbreakfastthatwasser ved,and
y’al
lknowIl i
kefood.Hedr oppedmeatmy
apartmentandIsati nt
heshowercr yingforhours.
WhathadIdone?Idi dn’tevenseeanysi gnsof
usedcondoms…ohGod, whathadIdone?Idi dn’t
rememberconsent ingtoanything.Hell,Idi
dn’t
rememberanyt hingatallaft
erthelastdr i
nkhe
of
fer
edme.
*
***
***
Ifi
nal
lydraggedmysel
foutofbedar
oundthreei
n
theaf
ter
noonandfoundmul t
ipl
ecal
lsf
rom Kago
andGaona.Ohshit
!
Iwassupposedt omeett hem af t
ertheAft
erParty
andwewer egoingt ocelebrate.They’
dcomef ormy
showandIhadscor edthem bot hti
cketst
othe
runwayshow, butcouldn’tf
ort heaft
erpar
ty.I
total
lyf
orgot
,andIhadswi tchedoffmyphone
whi l
eontherunway.
God!Coul
dthi
sdaygetanywor
se!
Ir
egr
ettedsayi
ngt
hatt
hemomentIcheckedmy
emai
ls.
Ij
ustwannaputitouttheretotheuni
ver
set
hat
whensomeonesays‘ canthi
sdaygetanyworse’
,
i
t’
snotachal
lenge.Please.Therei
snoneedto
heapmoreonthem.
Guesswhoemai
ledme.
Ogone.Andi
twasn’
tgoodnewsei
ther
.
*
***
***
*
REMEMBERTOLI
KEANDCOMMENT
[
04/
15,
07:
38] :SDLUDLA:7

Ieventual
lygotmysel
ftogetherenought
ogoout
andgetamor ningaft
erpil
landthenanSTIcheck.I
gottheresul
tsimmediat
elyandIwasont hecl
ear.
ThankGod!
ThenIwentbackt omyapar tmentandkeptt ryi
ng
KagoandGaona’ snumbers,theywer enotpicki
ng
upandIcoul dseetheywereokbecauseGaona
wasonl i
neandbusypostingherf oodpict
ureson
Facebook,bit
chevendidalivevideo.Whywas
everyt
hingjustspi
ral
li
ngoutofcont r
olforme?
Eventuall
yBell
acameoverwi thsomebeerand
sandwiches.
BELLA:Youseem down, Imean,ifIhadsucha
successf
ulcampaignl
ikeyouI ’
dbeoncl oudsr
ight
now!AndIheardrumour sthatyouaretheonewho
snaggedtheel
usi
veAnt one…
ME:(star
ingi
ntospace)It
hinkher
apedme,
Bel
l
a…
hespikedmydrinkandrapedme.
Shel
ookedawayandkeptqui
etf
orawhi
le.
BELLA:Whatar
eyougoi
ngt
odo?
ME:Got
othepol
ice,
ofcour
se…
BELLA:Idon’
tknowLet
,youdi
dal
lthenecessar
y
test
sandyouareok?
Inodded
BELLA:Thenmyadvi ceistoj usthopehel eaves
youalone,andst ayawayf rom hi m.Ther ewasonce
acaseofaFr enchgirl,
Phill
ipeCast …verybeaut i
ful
model…shecl aimedAnt oner apedhert oo…wi thi
n
weeksshel ostallherendorsement ,andcoul dn’
t
evenfindwor kinadepar tmentst ore…andot her
thi
ngs.Storieswer el
eakedonl i
neaboutherhavi ng
adrugpr oblem,blahblah…thosewhoknewhersai d
Phil
li
pedet est
eddr ugsandshewoul dneveruse
them…butevent uall
yshecommi tt
edsui cide.
ME:Whatareyousayi
ng?ThatIshoul
dn’
trepor
ta
r
apecase?
BELLA:I
’mj ustsayi
nglookatwhat’satst
akehere.
Youaretheshinynewtoy,endorsementsaregoing
tobeknockingatyourdoorlef
tri
ghtandcentre,but
ascandall
ikethiscoul
dhaveyoul osi
ngeverythi
ng
i
nasnap.
Bell
adidn’tstaylong,t
heconver
sati
onhadmade
theairt
oot ense.Isatal
onecontemplat
ing
everyt
hing.Wast hiswort
hit
?
Tobehonest ,
yes…itwas.Ever ybitofi
t,andnotj
ust
becauseofthemoney.I twasni cetohavepeople
noti
cemef orachange.Todaywhi legoi
ngt ot
he
pri
vatecl
ini
cthenamal ltogetaf ewi t
ems, af
ew
peoplehadpointedmeout ,
andsomeyounggi r
ls
hadcomet oaskf orapicture.Tobehonestitwas
ni
ce,andIdidn’twanttolosei t
.
Andofcour
set
her
ewast
hatl
it
tl
eOgonepr
obl
em.
*
***
***
**
Byeveni
ngmydoor bel
lrangandguesswhowal
ks
i
n!Whatthehel
ldoesAnt onewantwi
thme?
ANTONE:Ibroughtsomefood…t
houghtwecoul
d
eatandchi
ll
…doyoumi ndwarmi
ngitupint
he
mi
crowaves?
Ijustsatther
est
ari
ngathim.Whati
swrongwi
th
thisguy?Howcouldherapemeandactli
ke
everythi
ngwasjustok?
ANTONE:Now,Let
ty,
ifyoudon’tmi
nd!I
’
m hungr
y,
andt
urnontheTV,It
hinkther
earesomeEPL
gameson.Pl
ease…
Idraggedmyfeett
othemicr
owaveandwar
medhi
s
food,t
henhandedi
ttohi
m.
ANTONE:Ar
en’
tyoueat
ing?
ME:I
’
m nothungr
y…
ANTONE:Lett
y,i
sever
ythi
ngok?Ithoughtwehiti
t
of
flastni
ght
,andnowyouareact
inglikeyoudon’
t
wantmehere?
ME:I
’
mjustt
ir
ed…
ANTONE:Oh, Iunderstandt hen…youcangor est
andI’l
ljustwatchfootballhere.Bytheway,
tomorrowIhavesever al charit
yappointmentsI
wantyout ocomewi thmet o.Got t
amar kmy
ter
ri
torybeforethesewol vesi ntheindust
rycome
aft
eryou.Lett
hemedi
atakepi
ctur
esandl
et
everyoneknowwear
etoget
her
.
Iwasjustinsomuchshockatthi
sguy’
saudaci
tyI
coul
dn’tevenspeak.Whywoul
dhethi
nkwewerein
arel
ati
onshipaft
erherapedme?
Hewentoveratmyl
aptoptochecksomet
hing
aboutt
hegamesorwhatever
.
I
’
dfor
got
tenmyemai
lswer
eopen.
Her
eadoutt
heemai
loutl
oud.
‘
HiLett
y,makingwaves,
Isee.Theli
ttl
esni
pjobI
pai
dforreal
lydi
dyougood,didn’
tit
?Andnowyou
thi
nkyoucanjustdumpmewhenmymoneyi s
payi
ngoff?’
‘
Whatdoyouwant ,
Ogone?I’
l
lpayyouback, I
promise,
letmedoonemor ejob.Ial
readyhave
about30k.Onemor ej
obandIcanpayyouback.By
nextmonthprobabl
y’
‘
Youarenaïvei
fyouthinkit’
smoneyI’
m af
ter.I
wantyouback,
Lett
y…I ’
llbecomi
ngtovisi
tinafew
daysandwecanoffi
ciallycomeoutasacouple.
That
’swhatyouwant
ed,
right
.’
‘
Ihavenoint
erestwhat
soeveri
nyou.Leaveme
al
one.I
’l
lpayyouback.
’
‘
Isn’
tyourcampai gnsupposedtoinspi
re
confi
denceinwomenorst uf
f?Imagineifitwer
eto
comeoutt hattheleadmodelneededsur ger
yto
l
ookthatgood…bad, bad,
publi
cit
y!Butasacouple,
ofcourseIwillpr
eserveyourl
it
tl
esecret.’
ANTONE:Whot hehel
listhi
sOgoneandwheret
he
hel
ldoeshegettheaudacit
ytot
hreat
enyou?
Ij
ustsatt
her
eignor
inghi
m.Hecameoverand
shookmebytheshoul
der
s.
ANTONE:I’
mtalki
ngtoyou,
speak,
Let
ty,
youar
e
notdumb!Whatist
his?
ME:I
…uhm…Idi
dsomecosmet
icsur
ger
ies…
ANTONE:Idon’
tcar
eaboutt
hat
!PRcanhandl
eit
.
Whoist
hisOgoneandhowdoIgeti
ntouchwi
th
hi
m?
Agai
nIjustsatt
her
e.Hewatchedhisfoot
ballasI
cr
iedi
nthebedroom,andevent
ual
lycamet obed
andstar
tedhavingsexwi
thmewhil
emyheadwas
tur
nedtotheside,t
ear
srol
li
ngdownmyeye,
soaki
ngthesil
kpill
ow.
*
***
***
***
ThenextdayIwokeuptoacommot i
oninmyhouse.
Peopl
epackingupthepal
tr
ystuf
fthatIhad,
Ant
one
att
hemi dstofi
tal
l,
super
visi
ng.
ME:Andt
hen?
ANTONE:RememberIt ol
dyouaboutitbabe?ThatI
havebeentr
yingtobuyahouseher e,andIfi
nal
ly
goti
tlastmonth!Therenovat
ionanddécorisdone.
Wecanmovei nnow, aren’
tweexcit
ed?
Isi
ghedandwentt ot
heshower,quickl
ychanged
i
ntosomej eansandwhi
tet
-shi
rt
, t
hengr abbedmy
Guccihandbagandwasaboutt
ocal lanuberwhen
hehandedmecarkeys…
ANTONE:Theviperwerodetheot
hernight
.I
thoughtyouenj
oyedher
,soyoucanrol
labouton
herunti
lwegetyousomethi
ngofyourown.Sheis
parkedri
ghtout
side.
Hesaid,
kissi
ngmycheekwhi
let
hemovi
ngpeopl
e
cl
apped.
Ithrewthecarkeysonthet
ableandranout
,tears
runninginmyeyes,andImanagedtocat
chat axi
ashecamer unningaft
erme.
IwalkedintoJohnLuc’
soffi
ceandfoundhi
m
geari
ngupt oleavef
orFrance,
ofwhichIwas
expectedtodoinafewweekst oo.
ME:(
tear
srunni
ngdownmycheeks)Ant
oner
aped
me…
JOHNLUC:Ar g,models.Whydoyoualll
iketodo
thi
s?Cr yrapeaft
erIsawhowcosyyouwer ewit
h
him athissuit
epart
yaf t
ert
helaunch…
ME:ButIdi
dn’
t…Iwas…
JOHNLUC:Dr
unk…youwer
epr
obabl
ydr
unk.
ME:Ihadonedrink!Onedr
inkIhel
dallni
ght,
and
thenheof
fermeasecondaf t
eryouguyslef
t,I
knowIwasn’tdr
unk.
JOHNLUC:Haveyougonet
othepol
ice?
ME:No…
JOHNLUC:Haveyout
oldhi
m yourst
upi
dtheor
ies?
ME:No…Icouldn’
t…Iwasst
il
linsomuchshockI
couldbar
elysayawordtohim!Howcouldhedo
thi
stomeandbesononchal ant
!Evenwanti
ngt
o
movemei nhishouseandcarsandshi
t…
JOHNLUC:Ohh…Iseewher ethisi
sgoi ng!I’
m being
thrownint hemi dstofalover’
squar r
el?Iwantno
partofit,monpet it
.Whati sit
,henotgi vingyou
enoughmoney?Youwantanewcar ?You’ l
lhaveto
tal
kt ohim, notme, honey.Handleyourshi twith
yourboyf r
iend.Ihaveaf li
ghttocatch.Byt heway,
wehavepai doutyouragencyf oryourcont r
act,
becausewer unourownmodel scontractsin
Boudoir.Thatsai d,you,l
it
tl
emadam, havebeen
i
nvi t
edtoFashi onWeekPar i
s,whichmeansyour
tri
ptoFr ancewi l
lbesoonert hanexpect ed.Ciao
now, Ihavet orun…
Istoodt hereintotalshockathoweasil
yhejust
dismissedt hatIwasr aped!Youknow,myproblem
i
s, I
’m veryintrovert
edandIgetlostf
orwordswhen
peopleconf identthanIaddressme,soIneveram
abletodef endmysel f.I
tusedtobeKago’sdutyal
l
t
het
ime.
*
***
*
Int
heaf
ter
noonAntoneshowedupattheof
fi
ceand
sai
dwehadtogotohischar
it
yfunct
ion.
Braveornot,
Icoul
dn’tl
etthi
sgoonanyl onger.I
askedtotal
ktohiminprivat
e,andheledmet o
BoudoirSout
hAfri
ca’
smanager ’sof
fi
ce.
ANTONE:What’sup,babygirl
?Igetthatyoudi
dn’t
l
iket
hevipermuch,Ijustwantedyoutohave
somethi
ngforabitwhileweorganiseyouacar.
ME:Your
apedme!
ANTONE:Huh?
ME:Youspikedmydr i
nkandrapedme!Howcoul
d
youdothatAntone,
Itr
ustedyou.Iwas…
ANTONE:Rape?Honey,ok,maybeIdi
dputalit
tl
e
somet
hinginyourdri
nktohel
pyourel
axbecause
youweresotense,
butrapei
sabitofover
kil
l
!
ME:Idi
dn’
twanttosleepwit
hyou,Antone.You
t
ookadvantageofmewhileIwasunderthe
i
nfl
uenceofdrugsyouputonmydrink.That’
srape.
ANTONE:I ’
dsuggestyougett hosestupidfant
asi
es
offyourhead, Letty.Youhaveaf iveyearcontr
act
withBoudoir
, andI ’m surethemedi acat chi
ngon
thatyouhadsur geriesyoudi dn’
tdiscloseisa
viol
ati
onofcont r act,soIdon’tknowi fyouwouldbe
abletoaff
ordt hel awsuit,especiall
ywi t
hyour
boyfri
endafteryout oo.
ME:(cr
ying)whyareyoudoi
ngthi
stome?Please…I
don’
twantanypartofthi
sanymor
e.CanIj
ustleave?
Iwantt
ogohome.
ANTONE:Af teral
lthemoneyspentonyou?Ha!I
l
ikeyouLet ty,youarepr et
tyandsweet,andIknow
youarethet ypeofgirlIcouldmarry.Now, wi
pe
thosesil
lytearsandgot omakeupandgetyour
facedone,wehaveanappoi nt
mentatan
orphanageinanhour .Inthemeantime,I’
l
lbe
tal
kingtoPRonhandl i
ngyoursurgeri
esmess, and
deali
ngwi t
hyouri mpudentl i
tt
leboyfr
iend.
Hedi
smi
ssedmej
ustl
iket
hatandwal
kedout
.
WhatwasIsupposedt
odo?Whatwoul
dyouhave
done?
Iwaslostforwords,soIwentt
omakeupandgot
dol
ledup,putabr i
ghtsmil
eonmyfaceandmet
Ant
onei nthelobby.
ANTONE:(
kissi
ngmycheek)youl
ookl
ovel
y…
Wedr ovetotheorphanageandservedfoodand
hel
pedt heki
dswi tht
heirhomework.Watchi
ng
Ant
onepl aywiththekids,
youwouldn’
thave
bel
ievedhewast hemonst erwhohadrapedme,
twi
cenow, andthentoldmet ofor
getabouti
t.
Weposedf
orphotoswitht
heki
dsandasacoupl
e,
andt
hemediaat
ei tup.
*
***
***
**
Aft
ertheor
phanagevisi
t,Ant
onedroveust othe
newhouse.Itwashugewithanti
queVictor
ian
décor,
andIwouldhavelovediti
fIdi
dn’thaveto
sharei
twit
har api
st.
Mystuffwasalreadyunpackedinthewalki
ncloset
oft
hemast erbedroom.Iquickl
yshoweredand
Ant
onewant edtohavesexagai n,
thenhewasoff
tomeetsomef ri
ends.
Icr
iedforhoursaft
erheleft
…andasIsati nt
he
bat
hroom, Ispot
tedahiddensmallpackagewith
somewhi t
epowder ,
I’
m notnaïve,
Iknewwhati t
was,I
’dseensomegi rl
sfrom Boudoi
rdoitbefor
e.
Ipul
ledoutthesmal
lpackagef
rom t
hehi
dingpl
ace.
Justali
tt
lebitt
osl
eep…Iswear
…
No,whatareyoudoing,
Ler
othodi
!No!My
consci
encescreamed.
Ipushedi tbackf rom wherei
twasandr anoutof
thebathroom, t
hrowingmyselfont hemassivebed,
cryi
ng.Event uall
yIpulledouttheXanaxIhad
gott
enf r
om t heclini
cf ormydiff
icult
yinsleepi
ng.I
downedt wowi tharedwi nebott
leandsoonIwas
i
nabl i
ssf ulsleep.
ThenextdaywhenIwokeup,
Antonewasalr
eady
backf
rom gym andwasmaki
ngbreakf
ast
.
ANTONE:Heybeaut iful,
gosh, youweresopassed
out!Musthavebeent ir
edaf t
ertheorphanage.Poor
thi
ng.IknowyesterdayIwasabi tt
oohar shonyou,
andI’m sor
ry.I
’
m sorryifIitcameoffasr ape…Ij
ust
thoughtwewer ebothhavingagoodt i
me.Sitdown
here,montrésor
…andletmeshowyouwhywet
he
Frencharekingsint
heki
tchen…
Ihat
edhi
sjovi
alnesssomuch,
butIf
akedasmi
le.
ME:Youcook?
ANTONE:( l
aughingjoviall
y)Cook?Honey, Imake
magi c!Haveyounotr eadanyt hi
ngaboutmeatal l?
Bothmypar entsareMi cheli
nst arreci
pient,
their
restauranti
nPar i
sisa5st arandhasupt osix
mont hswai t
ingli
st!Ican’twaitforyout omeet
them.Mymom al wayswor r
iedI’dendupwi thone
ofthosecheapgol ddi ggersbecauseoft hi
s
model li
ngindustr
y,butIhaveaf eel
ingsheisf i
nall
y
goingt oli
kemynewgi r
lf
riend.Maybewecango
meett hem whenyougof orFashi onweek?
Hekissedmeont hecheekandr
anovert
othe
ki
tchencount
er.
ANTONE:Oh, and,bytheway, pl
easedon’
ttouch
t
hatnastystuffIdo.Iknowyoumovedi tbecausei
t
wasn’
tinthesamewayIst ashedit
.
ME:Whatmakesyout
hinki
twasme,
itcoul
dhave
beent
hemovers…
ANTONE:Ist asheditaftert heyleft,ma
beauté…unlesst hi
shousei shaunt ed,youwer ethe
onlyonel ef
t.That’snastyaddi ctivest uff
,Lett
y, I
’
m
sti
llt
ryi
ngt ogetof fofit
,beent or ehabandal l,butI
gotsuckedbacki nlastseasonbef oreIreti
red,
whenmycont actwasnotr enewedandIf oundoutI
wasbei ngtraded.Ievent uallydeci dedreti
rement
wasbet ter.
ME:Iwasjustcuri
ousaboutit
…bytheway,
what
ar
eallt
hosethingsint
heli
vingroom?
ANTONE:Oh, t
hecour ierdroppedt hem off…clothes,
foryou…ever ydesi
gnerandt heircousinwant syou
toweart heirpiece.Seemsl ikepl ussizeist henew
thing,Ididn’tevenknowt herewer esomanypl us
sizedesigner s.Andt herear esomecosmet i
cst oo.
Hopi ngyou’llweari tandt agt hem onsoci almedi a.
Youar eaninf l
uencer i
ghtnow…womenofal l
shapes, coloursandsi zear el ookingupt oyou.Ok,
breakfastisr eady,andIhopeyouhaveabi g
appet i
te,moncher e, becausenotonl ycanyourman
cook, Icaneatt oo…
Ihat
edhowwei
rdl
ynor
malt
hisseemed.Ihat
ed
Antone.AndIhat edt hatt
herewer ewomenout
therelookingupt omeassomesor tofsymbol .If
onlytheyknewwhatamessIwas!HowmuchIst i
ll
hadbodyi ssues, thatIstoodinfrontofami r
ror
everydaypi nchingmyf atandconsi der
inganot her
l
iposuctionwhenIhavemor emoney…t hatIwasn’ t
theconf i
dentvixent heysawont hemagazi ne.That
Icouldbar el
yspeakf ormyselfi
naconf li
ct
sit
uation.Ifel
tli
kesuchaf r
aud,andIneversetout
tobet hatway!Oht hemedi adeception!
*
***
***
**
REMEMBERTOLI
KEANDCOMMENT
[
04/
15,
07:
39] :SDLUDLA:8

Thenextfewdayswer emor efakesmil

esandmore
publ
ici
tystunts,Ididn’thearfr
om Ogone,andGod
wasar el
ieved.Ididn’thavetheenergyforhi
m.
Tobehonest,Iwasweirdl
ygett
ingusedtoAntone’
s
j
ovialannoyi
ngness.Most
lyIi
gnoredhim or
engagedinli
ghtconver
sat
ionsfrom t
imetoti
me,
andhewasokwi t
hthat
.
Ihavetobehonest,muchasIhat edthebehi
ndthe
scenes,
Imuchenj oyedmyt i
mei nthespot
li
ght
.To
seemypi ct
ureseverywher
e,peopleaski
ngfor
photoswhenIwalkedby.Somuchmedi acover
age
aboutusbeingapowercouple.Itwasnicetobethe
coolki
dforachange.
Welef
tforPar
ist
ogether
,megoi ngf
orFashi
on
week,
andAntoneforwhateverhewasgoi
ngfor
.
He’dbeenpacingaboutinthewait
ingroom,and
nowaswet ookseatinourbusi
nesscl
asscabin,he
rest
lessl
ydoodledaround,pi
ckeduphisphone,
changedchannels…andwasexcessivelyqui
et.Yes,
Antonequiet.
ME:Ar
eyouok?
ANTONE:Me?Ofcour
seI
’
m ok,
whywoul
dn’
tIbe?
I
’m good,
gir
l!
ME:Ok…(
Put
ti
ngmyheadset
son)
ANTONE:Ok,
I’
m not
…butpr
omi
semeyouwon’
t
l
augh…
Ishr
uggedf
orhi
mtocont
inue.
ANTONE:I’
m af
rai
dofpl
anet
akeof
f…act
ual
ly
t
err
if
ied…
Andatthatver
ymomentIf eltt
heplanemovi ng.He
shuthi
seyestight
lyandheldontothechair.I
smil
edandputmyhandont opofhis,squeezing
comfor
tingl
yandfelthi
m consi
derabl
er el
ax,buthi
s
eyesst
ayedshutuntilwewerewelloffonair.
ThenIbr
okeofflaughi
ng…deep,
loudbel
lyl
augh.
Thatwasthesi
ll
iestt
hingt
obeaf r
aidof
!
ANTONE:See,
youar
elaughi
ngatme…
ME:(
laughi
ng)Notyou…j
ust
,thegeneralsi
tuat
ion.
Don’
tyoufl
yli
keagazil
li
ont
imesalready?
ANTONE:Ido, andever
ytimeit’
st hesame.That’
s
whyIalwaystakeaclosedoffbusi nesscl
ass
alcoveandf
lyalone…Lett
y,st
opl aughing,i
t’
snot
funny.
ME:Doyouknowt
hisi
sact
ual
lymyt
hir
dfl
ight
?
ANTONE:I
nyourl
if
e?Thenhowdi
dyougetar
ound?
ME:Towhere?Myhomevil
lageisaboutanhour
f
rom Gabor
one,
andthat
’sj
ustaboutallIever
neededtogo.Fir
stfl
ightwast
oSingapor
e,t
hent
he
shortonetoSouthAfri
cafr
om Bot
swanaafew
mont hsback,
andnowt hi
sone.
Astewar deventual
lycameandsecretl
yhanded
him somet hi
ng.Hepulledcl
osedourli
tt
leal
cove
curt
ai ns,
thenspreadthewhitepowderonhi
stable
andt ookasniff.
ANTONE:What
?
ME:What‘
what
’?
ANTONE:Don’
tlookatmewit
hthosej
udgemental
bi
geyes…youknowIneedi
t.I
t’
san11hoursfl
ight
,
soIhavet
o…
ME:Why?
ANTONE:BecauseI’
m shy…Idon’tknowhowto
i
nter
actwi
thpeoplewhenI’m nothigh,
andIwanna
gett
oknowyoual i
tt
lebett
er.
ME:Yea,
right
,you?Shy?
ANTONE:Probabl
y99%oftheti
meyouhaveseen
me,Iwashi
ghasakite…Ispentmychil
dhoodon
speecht
her
apyandalotofconfi
dencecl
asses.I
’
m
actual
lyver
yawkwar dandusedtostumbleonmy
words.Iwasbul l
iedalotwhenIwasi nhi
ghschool
forbei
ngsot al
l.B-bal
lwasabouttheonlythi
ngthat
gavemepeacebecauseIwassogoodati t.
ME:Tot
all
ydi
ff
erentst
oryf
rom t
heAnt
oneIknow…
ANTONE:Yes,t
hatTonepeopledon’
tgettosee
anymor
e.Igott
iredofbei
ngtheunderdog…
ME:Iwannaseet
hatTone…
Idi
dn’
tevenknowwhyIsai
dthat
.
ANTONE:Yea,youareasupermodel…youaregoi
ng
tost
andforsomestutt
eri
ngfool
,ri
ght?Ili
keyou
andI’
m notaboutt
orui
nthings.
*
***
***
**
Wear r
ivedinPari
sandcheckedintoahot
elhehad
booked.Itwassuchabeauti
fulol
dstyl
ehot
elwit
h
st
affthatmadeyoufeelathomethemomentyou
walkedin.
HedrovemetotheBoudoirheadquar
ter
storegi
ster
,
andthenwespentthenextt
wodayswi t
hhim
showingmehisci
ty.
WewenttotheEi
ff
elTower
,Nor
te-
Dame,
andsome
museums.
Thenhet ookmet oDisneylandandi twassucha
blast
.Look,judgemeal lyouwant ,Idon’tcare.ButI
wasact ual
lyhavingfunwi ththisguy.No,Istil
lhate
himforwhathedi dtome, butIwasbegi nningtobe
convincedhewasn’ tSatanr ei
ncarnate.
Wet ooksil
lykiddi
eri
desandwenttotakephotos
dressedinElsaandJackFrostout
fi
ts.Wegot
temporarytatt
oosandatemassiveamount sof
cottoncandy,andhewonmesomehugest uf
fed
toyatagameofbowandar rowshooting.
Thenwegotpickedoutbyhi
sfansandwewereon
ahideandseekmissi
on,t
ryi
ngtorunawayand
hi
def r
om massi
venumberofyounggir
lswho
wantedphot
oswi t
hhim.
Thiswassuchanor maldayandIwasenjoyi
ngit
.
Li
keIsaid,
judgeifyoumust.I
’vel
ear
nttotakel
if
e
asiti
sbecausenothingi
sguarant
eed.WasAntone
aterr
ibl
eperson?
Absol
utel
y.
WasIhavi
ngmor
efunt
hanIhadi
naver
ylongt
ime?
Def
ini
tel
y.AndatsomepointIwasn’
tevenfeeli
ng
gui
lt
yaboutitanymor
e.Iwasjustpl
ainl
yenjoyi
ng
mytimewithhim.
*
***
***
Whenwegott ot
hehoteli
ntheevening,Ihadjust
gotoutoft
heshowerandIfoundhimj ust
spreadi
nghi
scocai
neonthebathroom sinkcounter
.
Idon’
tknowwhyIdidit
,butIswipedthewhol
e
thi
nginsi
dethesi
nkandranthetap,snat
chi
ngthe
smallpl
asti
candempti
ngtherestinthet
aptoo.
Thenpull
edthekeyfrom t
heoldstyledoorand
dashedoutwhil
ehewasst il
lshocked.Andlocked
hi
mi nsi
dethebathr
oom.
Icoul
dseehi
mthr
ought
het
emper
edgl
asswal
las
hefumed.
ANTONE:Let
ty!Whywoul
dyoudot
hat
!Letmeout
,
now!
ME:Admi
tthatyour
apedmef
ir
st…
ANTONE:ButIt
houghtwewer
ebot
hhavi
ngf
un…
ME:Onwhichpl
anetdoesf
uninvol
vesomeone
passedout
?Yourapedmeandaren’
tevensor
ry
abouti
t.
Wewentbackandfort
hf orhoursandIeventual
ly
l
efthi
mtheret
oorderroom servi
ce.Isli
dthefood
f
orhimthr
oughthesmall bat
hroom spaceunder
t
hedoor.
Hethrewat ant
rum andthr
ewt hef
oodagainstt
he
wall
.Ilaughedandwatchedhim si
tt
ingther
e,
bangi
ngt hedoorandeventual
lygi
vingup.
Ieventual
lywenttosl
eep,andinthemorni
ngI
swearIwasst ar
ti
ngtofeelbadforhi
m.Hewas
shakingsobadfrom wit
hdrawalsymptoms,and
stoodupthemomenthesawmewakeup.
ANTONE:( stutter
ing)Ok,Let
ty,Iadmiti
t,i
twasrape
andI’m sor
ry.Gott othepoliceifyouhaveto,I
won’tdoanyt hi
ng…Ijust…I’
mr eall
ysorr
y.Ihadn’
t
expectedtolikeyousomuch…Ij ust…
ME:Youarej
ustsayi
ngt
hatbecauseyouwantyour
dr
ugs,youj
unki
e!
ANTONE:No,
Let
ty…Isawyoucr
yingwhenyou
thoughtIhadpassedout
.Ihadn’
treal
isedIhur
tyou
somuch.I ’
m sor
ry…
ME:Fi
ne…I
’
m stil
lnotgi
vingyoudr
ugst
hough,
you
needt
oqui
tthatshit
…
ANTONE:Please…justonelastt
ime…please…I
swearI’
l
lheadstrai
ghttorehabaft
erthis,t
herei
sa
packeti
nmywal l
et…pleaseLett
y,j
ustal i
tt
lebi
t…
Hewastrembli
ngsobad,scrat
chinghi
sbodyal
l
over
,st
utt
eri
ngandevenactuall
ycryi
ngnow.If
elt
sobadforhi
m.
ANTONE:Pl ease…pleaseLett
y,IswearI
’
llgot
o
rehab,
please…justalit
tl
ebit
…ithurt
sLett
y…my
bodyhurtssobad…pl ease…
ME:Whatguar
ant
eedoIhavet
hatyou’
l
lgot
orehab?
ANTONE:Whydoyouevencar
e?Youactl
ikeI
’
m
for
cingyout
obewi
thmeanyway!
ME:Whatguar
ant
ee,
Ant
one?
ANTONE:Fi
ne,r
ecordmesayi
ngIwi
ll
,i
fIdon’
t,
t
hengotothemedia.
ME:Tel
lmeaboutPhi
ll
ipeCastf
ir
st
ANTONE:Whatabouther
,damni
tLet
ty,
Ineedmy
shi
t…
ME:Phi
ll
ipe…
ANTONE:Wedat ed,
Icoul
dn’
tst
andher
,andIbr
oke
i
toff
.SheaccusedmeofrapeandmyPRhandled
i
t…
ME:Accusedyou,
real
ly?
ANTONE:Iswear ,
Lett
y,Ididn’
tr apethatgirl!Hook
met oal i
eddetect
orifyoumust ,whatever
happenedbetweenmeandPhi ll
ipewasver y
consensualandnoonewasundert hei nfl
uenceof
anythi
ng!Myf ansstart
edbul l
yingher, l
eakingnasty
stor
ies,andshecommi ttedsuicide.
ME:Your
uinedherchancesofwor
king…
ANTONE:Whatt hehell?Howam Ir esponsi
blef
or
brandspull
ingawayf r
om amodelt hat’
shavi
nga
scandal?Happensalltheti
me.Ilostalotof
endorsementmyselfduringthatscandal
.
Ist
oodupandgr
abbedmyphone,
thenhi
trecor
d…
ME:Ok,
tal
k…sayt
hatyouhaveadr
ugpr
obl
em and
youar
egoi
ngt
orehab.
ANTONE:Mynamei sAntoneCr os,andI’ma
cocaineaddi
ct.Ont hi
sdayI’m promisingmy
gir
lf
riendt
hatIwillgotorehabimmedi at
elyandi
fI
don’tshecanleakthisouttothemedi a.
Ihi
tst
opandt
henopenedt
hedoor
.
Hebol tedtotheclosetandpul ledouthiswall
etl
ike
hi
sl if
edependedoni t
,thent ookfewdragsofthe
stuffstrai
ghtfrom t
hepl asti
cbag, andaft
erhehad
stoppedshaki nghefinallycutsomeandt ook
anotherdr ag.
ANTONE:I’
m sor
ryyouhavet
oseet
his,
I’
m
embar
rassed.
ME:Wel
l,
youar
egoi
ngt
orehab,
soi
twon’
tbel
ong
now.
*
***
***
*
Weshower edandheadedtodomyf i
tti
ng.He
droppedmeof fandwenttomeetsomef r
iends.I
spentthedaybeingmeasuredandphotographed
again.Ihadj
ustfini
shedmyshootwhensome
bot
tl
ebl
ondegi
rlappr
oachedme.Dor
aTr
avi
s.
Ant
one’
sex.
DORA:Soyouar
eTone’
snewpl
ayt
hing?
Ii
gnoredherandkeptpacki
ngmybag,
readyt
o
headbacktothehot
el.
DORA:Youknowhei sonlywithyoubecauseyou
aret
heshinynewt oy,r
ight?Andt hatdoesn’
teven
l
asti
nthi
si ndust
ry.Tomor r
owt herewillbeanot
her
oneandhe’l
lmoveon.
Justkeptbusywi
thmybag
DORA:Tonedoesn’tevenli
kefatgi
rls.Lookatal
l
hi
sex’s.Char
maine,Ceci
le,
Keisha,Phil
li
pe…me…all
fi
tandbeauti
ful
.Youareprobablyaphase.He’l
lget
backwithme.
ANTONE:Thenwhyareyoubot her
ed,Dor
a?Why
areyousonast
y?AndI’l
lrat
hershootmysel
fthan
getbackwi
thyouri
nsecure,
buli
micpsychoself
.
Ihadn’
tevenhear
dhi
m wal
kint
other
oom.
Hecameoverandki
ssedmeont
hel
ips.
ANTONE:Readyt
ogobabe?Wehaveadi
nner
r
eser
vat
ionatLe’
Atel
ier
.Bestf
oodever
!
ME:Sur
e,soundsawesome.
DORA:Ofcour seitdoes,
MsPi ggy.Runal
ongand
st
uffyourface,pr
obablytheonlythi
ngyoucando
wi
thher,huhTone?
ANTONE:Stil
lbeat
stheonl
ythi
ngIeverdi
dwi
th
you.Fuckandsnor
tcocai
ne.
DORA:St
il
lont
hepowder
,Tone?
ANTONE:Stil
leat
ingcot
tonbal
ls,
Dora?Lett
ylet
s
go…(Hepickedupmybagandwewal kedout
wit
houtevenasecondglancet
oDora.Ihaveto
admiti
tfel
tgoodtobechosenoverasupermodel
).
ME:Doessher
eal
lyeatcot
tonbal
ls?
ANTONE:Tr
ustme,
thati
snotevent
hewei
rdest
t
hingI
’
veseenmodel
seattost
aythi
n.
*
***
***
**
REMEMBERTOLI
KEANDCOMMENT
[
04/
15,
07:
39] :SDLUDLA:9
Thenextfewdayswer emuchmor efun.Wesaw
mor eofPar i
s,vi
sit
ednear bytowns,andIspentmy
daysatthest udioignori
ngDor athecottonmoth’
s
snideandr uderemar ks.Iwassocomf ort
abl
ewith
Tone,probablytheonl ypersonIcouldstandupto,
besideKago.Gosh, Kago!Imissedthem somuch,I
shouldcallhim soon,hedoesn’tevenhavemy
Francecont act
s.
ButIwon’ tlie,
Iwashavi ngf unwithAnt one.We
foughtaboutal mostever ythingbecausehe
woul dn’
tletmedoal lthet hingsothermodel sdidt
o
keept hi
n.Weal sowenttor egist
erhim ataver y
privaterehab,andafterFashi onWeek, wewoul d
visithi
spar ents,t
henhe’dchecki ntother ehab.
Iwassoner vousont hefi
rstdayoff ashi
onweek.
YesI’ddoneaf ewrunwaysi nSouthAf ri
cabef or
e,
butthatwasf orBoudoi
r,andalsoitwasi nSout h
Afr
ica,Af ri
cansaremypeopl eandt heywi l
lalways
beforgiving,butthi
swast heinter
nationalstage.
Antonewasdoi nghisbesttomakemer el
axand
al
mostf el
tbadf orhi
m becausenot hingwas
working.
Isatstar
ingatt
hegourmetbreakf
astthathehad
personal
lymadeforme,noteventouchi
ngapiece.
ANTONE:Doyouwant
…cot
toncandy?
ME:Ar
eyouinsane?Ican’
teatcot
toncandybef
ore
ar
unwayshow…
ANTONE:Wel
lyougot
taeatsomet
hing…
ME:Reall
yTone!Real
ly,
foodi
swhatyout
hink
aboutr
ightnow?
ANTONE:I’
m nomodel
,butI
’
mjustsayi
ng.Idi
d
muchbett
erinmygameswhenIhadasoli
dmeal
bef
ore.
Iwentovert
othelar
gemi r
roronthel
ivi
ngroom of
ourhot
el’
sdupl
exsuiteandturnedar
oundpinchi
ng
myfatandmyl i
tt
let
ummypouch.
ME:WhatifI’
mtoofat
,Tone?WhatifI
’
mt oobigfor
theFashi
onweekrunway?I’
veseenot
herplussi
ze
gir
ls,
theyar
eali
tt
lesmall
erthanme.
ANTONE:Youar eontheplussi
zecat
egory,
ever
yoneexpectsyoutohavemeatonyour
bones…andIl
ikemeatonyourbones.(
Hecame
overandki
ssedmyneck)
ME:Well,
youar enotthemedi a,areyou?They’ l
l
cruci
fyme,Antone!Tomor r
owi twillbealloverthe
paperst
hatI’
mt oof at
.Ican’
tdot his…Ican’tgofor
fashi
onweekTone…can’ tdoit.Ishouldhavegone
onthatMasterCleansedietBell
awenton…seehow
muchweightshel ost?
ANTONE:( exasperated,t
hrowinghishandsonthe
air
)Bel
laisondr ugs!Ofcour sesheislosi
ngweight
!
Anddon’ttrythatshitLet
ty,youseenwhatitdoes
tome,Il
iteral
lycan’tli
vewithouti
t.
ME:Butthemastercleanseisok….
it
’sjust
…lookat
thi
sTone!Lookatthishangi
ngpouch!Howam I
supposedtomodel ali
ngeri
ewithastomach
hangi
ngoutliket
his?
ANTONE:Whati
samastercl
eanseeven?You
knowwhat
?Idon’
tcar
e,youar
enotdoingit
!
ME:No, it’
sreal
lyheal
thy,
IreadevenBeyoncédidit
.
Ijustdri
nkonlyami xt
ureofwat er
,lemon,
maple
syrup,andcayennepepperfor14daysandIcan
l
oseupt o10kg.Imagi
nethat,10kgintwoweeks!
ANTONE:Youwannadr i
nkonlywat erfor14days?
That’
sri
diculousandIdon’tcareifMaryMot herof
Jesusdi
di t
!Youar enotdoingit
,I’
llshovefood
downyourt hroati
fIhaveto.
ME:Youar
esuchadi
ctat
or
ANTONE:Wel
l,
youneedonebecauseyouactso
st
upi
d.
ME:Don’
tcal
lmest
upi
d
ANTONE:Idi
dn’
tsayyouar
est
upi
d,youj
ustact
st
upi
d.
ME:Whydoyouwantmet ostayfat
,huh?Whyar e
yousoagai nstmel
osingweight
?Youl ookl
ikethat
,
allchi
sel
ledandever
ythi
ng,andyouwantmet o
stayfat
?
ANTONE:OhGod!Letty!I
’m notagainstyoulosi
ng
weight,
andIthi
nkyouareperfectthewayyouar e,
butI’
m notgoi
ngtost
andf oryoudoingstupid
thi
ngs.Youwantmetogetof fdrugs,don’
tyou?( I
nodded)Why?
ME:BecauseIdon’
twantyout
odi
e,youmor
on!
Thoset
hingswi
llki
l
lyou!
ANTONE:Di tto!Wherehaveyouhear dofsomeone
dri
nkingonlywat erf
ortwoweeksandnotcausi ng
damaget otheirbody?Howaboutt his,
I’
lltr
ainyou
myself,t
alktomydi eti
ciantocr aftadietplanfor
you,butnomast erplansorwhat everyousai d,
ok?
(Hekissedmyneckandcar esseddownmypouch
tomysof troundbellypouchandt hickthighs,t
hen
tur
nedmear oundandki ssedme.Eversi ncewe
tal
kedaboutt herape,hehadn’ tmadeamoveon
me,andt hi
st i
met hi
swasmaki ngmesoner vous
becauseIwant edittoo)
Ifel
thishotbr
eathdownbyclavi
cleashel
edme
upstai
rstoourbedr
oom andgent
lylai
dmedown
onthebed…
He’dbracedhimsel
fonhi
sfor
earms,ki
ssingme
l
ightl
ybeforeheli
ft
edhi
sheadandlookedmeinthe
eyes…
ANTONE:Iwannamakel ovetoyou,Let
ty…because
Il
oveyousomuch, andIthi
nkthi
sismybestway
ofshowi
ngyoujusthowsexyIthinkyouare…thatI
don’tcar ewhatt hemedi awi l
lsayaboutyou
tomorr ow, Istil
lthinkyouar ethesexiestwoman
I’
veeverseen…yes, youarenotasi zezer o,butyour
bodyisbui ltli
ket hatofawoman, andi ttur
nsme
on…(het ookmyhandandr ubbedi tagainsthishard
on)WannaknowwhyIdi dn’tstaythroughoutt he
l
auncht hatf ir
stni ghtImetyou?Becauseyougot
mesohor nywal kingupont hatstagei nyourlitt
le
l
ingerie…If eltjealouswithallthosemenogl ingat
youandt aki ngpi ctur
esofwhatIbel ievedwasmi ne.
ME:(
giggl
ing)your
s?Wehadn’
tevent
alkedatt
hat
t
ime!
ANTONE:Ok, stalkeraler
t,butIhadbeensecr et
ly
watchingyout hepastf ewdaysbef orethelaunch.I
usedt ohideinyourchangi ngroom andwat ch
you…somet hi
ngaboutyouwasdi f
ferent…real…how
nervousyouwer eaboutt hings…howhumbl e…I ’
d
watchyout al
kingtot hecrew.Youwer ethef aceof
amaj orcampai gnandyouwer esof r
iendlywi th
everyone,from thepeoplei nmakeupal lthewayt o
thecleaningstaff.Isawyoubr i
ngingthecl eaning
l
adyaSt arbucks.It’
ssafet osayIfelli
nl ovewi th
yourper
sonali
tyj
ustasmuchasIfel
lforyourbody.
I’
dneverseenamodelli
keyoubef
ore.
ME:(t
eari
ngup)ButIdon’
tgeti
t…i
fyoul
ikedmeso
much,whydi
dyou…
ANTONE:Dr ugyouandt akeadvant ageofyou?
Becauseyoui nti
midatedme.I ’
m notusedt oreal
peopl eli
keyou,gi
rl
sthrowthemsel vesatme…I
want edyouandyouwer en’
tmaki nganymoves…I
thought…Ithoughtaft
erwesl epttogetheryou’dfal
l
formet oo.I’
dplannedtoseduceyout hatnight
,but
allyouwant edwastoleave.Ok, myegowas
bruised,butIwasalsoscaredyouwer egoingto
j
ustl eaveandI’
dneverhaveachancewi thyou.
ME:(l
ookingupathisandsmi
li
ngshyl
y)so,
arewe
gonnatal
kallmor
ningorwhat
?
ANTONE:Areyousur
e?IwantyousobadLet
ty,
but
Ineedyout
owantmet oo…
Ipul
ledhisf
acedownt omineandgentlyki
ssed
hi
m.Het ookovert
hekiss,anditwasboth
demandingandgentl
eatthesamet i
me.I’
dblocked
i
nmymi ndt
hefewtimeswe’ dhadsexbecauseI
di
dn’twantit
,butri
ghtnowIfel
tthi
swasan
i
mprint…hewantedmet orememberever
ytouch.
Ever
yflutt
eryli
tt
leki
ss.
Thepeti
tesi
lktur
quoiset opandi nsignif
icant
matchi
ngthongwasal lthatsepar at
edhi mf r
om my
ski
n,mygownl ongdiscar dedasher anhishands
upanddownmybody.If el tsoself-
consciousashe
pull
edoffmytop,butIremember edwhathesai d…
hefoundmesexy, andsomehowt hatmademe
rel
ax.
Mypant i
eswer enext…hedel i
catel
ypull
edthem off
downmyl egsanddi scardedt hem t
otheside.Then
j
ustknel tthere,
betweenmyl egs,st
ari
ngatme.I
coveredmyf acewithmyhands, ali
tt
leshyanda
l
itt
leembar r
assedathiml ookingatmyr ound
tummyandnotsoper kbr easts.MaybeIneeda
boobj ob.
Hegentl
yremovedmyhandsf rom myfaceand
whenIopenedmyeyest opeekatwhathewas
doi
ng,hewasjustknel
tther
estar
ingandsmili
ng.
ANTONE:Youar
esobeaut
if
ul,
Let
ty…
Helaidbesidemeandkissedmegent l
yont hel
ips
unt
ilIfel
tmyheadspi n,
mywhol eworl
dfil
ledwith
hi
schar mingsmil
e.Lawd,t
hismanwasgoi ngto
gi
vemeanor gasm wi
thakiss!Nott
hatIevenknew
whatthatwasasI’dneverr
eall
yhadone.
Thenhewashover i
ngovermeagai n,hi
st ongue
fl
ickeri
ngovermyski nsendingshiversdownmy
spine.Hepulledawayf orasecondandmadequi ck
wor kofhispyjamas,andwewer eboththere,
glori
ouslynaked.Ifel
tsoshyt olookathim,
standingovermel i
keagi antGreekgod.
‘
Youcanl
ook,
Let
ty…doIt
urnyouonasyoudome?
’
Inoddedshyl
y,andal
lI’
m goi
ngtotel
lyouis
ever
ythi
ngmatchedhi
smassi vebodyandheight
.
Yes,youdoknowwhatImean.
Heclimbedbackont hebedandsatl eaningagai
nst
thebedframe,parti
nghi slegs.Thenhegent ly
pull
edmeupandposi t
ionedmewi t
hmybackt o
him,betweenhislegs,beginningtofondlemeal l
over,whil
egentl
ymovi nghi stongueacr ossmy
back,fr
om oneshouldert oanother.Iwasgr abbi
ng
hi
sst rongcal vesforbalancewithbot
hhands,and
hewasr apidl
ygr opi
ngf rom myhardnippl
est
omy
bell
y-button,whilehishar d,
thi
ckmemberwas
pressedagai nstmyspi ne.
Wewer ebothbreat
hingheavi l
y,andIst
arted
moaningincomplaintashet ookdownt hetempo,
sl
owlymassagingmyt ummy, spell
ing“
c-a-l
-m”
whil
enibbl
ingonmyl eftear
lobe.
‘
Areyouwet ?’hewhisper
edinmyear.Whata
ri
diculousquesti
on.Iwasdri
ppi
ng.Hi
slar
gehand
caresseddownmybodyf r
om behi
ndandlanded
betweenmyt higs.
Coveringmyent ir
eentrancewi t
hhishandf or
severaldozensofseconds, Icouldact
uallyf eelt
he
heatfrom hisbodypulsati
ngt omycor e.Ilovedt he
i
dlething,Ireal
lydid,
butIwassowor kedupIj ust
neededhi mt omakemecum, soItookhishandand
star
tedrubbingupmyl abi
a.
‘
Please,
touchme,Tone…don’tstop’
…anaudi
ble
moanandabeggingpleaallatthesametime.And
t
ouchmedi dheever.
Hislongfi
ngerspartedmynetherlipsgently,and
thenhewasr ubbingaspotIhadn’tevennot i
cedI
had…cli
ts,
Ibeli
eve…hewassogent leandthe
fri
cti
onescalat
ingmademebegf ormor e.His
fi
ngerswentdownt omydr i
ppingwetent rance,and
i
nwenthi slongindexfi
nger
.
‘
Youar
esot
ight
…Iwor
ryt
hatIwi
llhur
tyouwhenI
…’
‘
Please…’ Imoanedandgr oundmysel fagainsthis
erect
ion,stillonmykneeswi t
hhi m behindme.
Thenhet urnedmear oundt ofacehi m,fingersti
ll
gentl
ymovi ngi nandoutofme, kissingmewi tha
muchmor ef i
ercewildnessnow.Anot herfinger
sl
ippedi nandwi thjusttwof i
ngershewasf i
ll
ing
meupbeyondbel ief
,str
etchingmeout .Igyrated
myhi psonhi sfi
ngersandhewenthar deruntilI
wasscr eami nghisnameandcol l
apseonhi s
shoulders,kal ei
doscopesandst arsswimmi ng
aroundmyhead.
Hel aidmeonmybackagai npartedmynow
soppingwetnet herli
ps,t
histi
mewi thhist
ongue.
Lawd, I
’dneverfeltsuchi
ntensenessinme.My
corewast hrobbinghard,
andIf el
tafir
ebuil
dright
atthecent
reofmysouldownt
othesmallofmy
stomach…thi
swastoomuchpl
easur
e,Iwasgoi
ng
toexpl
ode.
Alr
ight,
confession.I
’dneverhadaguyeatmeout.
Well,
I’
veonlyjuststart
edont hi
ssexthi
ng,
andI
everbeenonlywi t
hOgoneandhi m,andbotht
he
fewtimessexhappened, themenhadbeenall
aboutthei
rpleasures.
Nowi twasl ikehewasn’
tevenbotheredabout
himself,mymaxi mum pl
easurewashi squest.He
repeatedlyli
ckedal
loverbothmyt hi
ghsuntilI
squirmedandbeggedf orhistongueonmynet her
l
ipsagai n,andmymanwassof or
everreadyto
please.
Ifel
thistoungenotj uststopatl i
ckingmyent rance
l
ikehedi dbefore,butprobingin…pushingt hrough
myent rance,
andIf elti
t’
swar m wet nessf l
ickeri
ng
onmyi nnerwalls.Iscreamedhi snamewant only
andscr at
chedhi sbackashecont inuedt oassaul t
myi nnerwall
s.I’dreadaboutf emal eejaculation
andsomesext herapisthadsai dthereisnosuch
thi
ngasawomanwhocan’ tsquirt
,youmanj ust
ai
ntdoi ngyour i
ght.Ithoughtshe’ dli
edbecauseI ’
d
neverexper i
encesuch…butr i
ghtnowIf eltwarm
str
eamsaf t
erstreamsoft hickliquidrushingoutof
meandal loverTone’smout h,hiswi l
dgr owlsof
sati
sfacti
onsendi ngmeovert heedgeashel apped
overmyj uiceswhi l
eanotheror gasm hitlikean
avalanche.Hehel dmewhi l
eIt r
embl edand
i
naudi bl
ymoanedhi sname.
‘
I’m goingtomakelovet
oyounow, mont
résor
’hi
s
voicewast hi
ckandgutt
uralwi
thsomuchsexual
tensionital
mostmademecum again.
Hegentl
yposi
ti
onedhimsel
fontopofmeand
star
edmeintheeyesashepar
tedmylegswi
thhi
s
knee.
Myeyesfl
aredi
npanicasIr emember
edhi
s
si
ze…hi
sfi
ngershadstr
etchedmeout…whati
f….
‘
I’
l
lbegent
le…’hesaidreassuri
ngl
yashecapt
ured
mymouthwithanotherdizzyi
ngki
ss.
‘
Youaresobeaut i
ful
,Lerot
hodi’I
’
dneverhear
dhim
saymyf ul
lnamebefore,andhesaiditso
per
fect
ly…‘I
’m sosmitt
en…Iloveyou,
mont r
ésor
…
j
et'
ai
me…’
‘
Iloveyout oo.Antone’Iwhisperedwi t
houtany
controlwhatsoeverofmymout h,thatwasnotmy
headspeaki ngbutmyhear t
…mysoulwhatIwas
feeli
ng,whathasunsuspect inglysnuckintomy
beingasIspentmor etimewi t
hhim.Tonyhaddone
mewr ong,yes…he’
dt akenadvantageofme…and
yesIhadf alleni
nlovewi t
hhi m.Judgei fyouwant
,
butwecan’ thelpwhowel ove.
Hewaseversogent l
yasheinchedinsi
deofme,
st
oppingwhenIfl
inched,
andthenpushinginagain.
Thenwewer emovingsoslowwithhim whi
speri
ng
sweetnot
hingsi
nmyearunt i
lIbeggedformore.
Hepi ckedupthetempogr aduall
y,al
lowingmeto
getusedt ohi
ssizeandt hespeed,unti
lwewere
rocki
ngt hebedloudlyasthekissesreacheda
paroxysm ofpassion.
‘
Am Igoi
ngtoohard?
’heaskedwhenIst
art
edt
o
cr
youtoftheover
whelmi
ngpleasur
e.
‘
No…please…i
t’
sper
fect
…’Imethi
spacewit
hmy
ownrapidgyr
ati
ontoshowhi
m Iwasful
lywit
hthe
plan.NowIwasgetti
ngwhyhi sgamenamewas
‘
Speed’.Li
keagreatat
hlet
enearingthefi
nish,
he
reachedhi
sful
lpaceandIfeltourentwi
nedbodies
asonei nt
hevi
brati
onsofthemat t
ress.
Withconvul
sivegruntsnearmyear ,hest
ill
edand
heldontome, hi
sheadbur i
eddeepinmyshoul der
,
asIfel
thishardthickmemberst ar
ttothrobinsi
de
meandt henIfel
thi m cum har
d,hi
swar mliqui
d
fi
ll
ingnotj
ustmycor e,butmysoulaswell.
‘
…j et'
aime…Lett
y,God,Ican’
tbelieveIfinall
yfound
you.Thisissounreal
…youar ehere,inmy
arms…final
ly…’i
twassoemot ional…andt henIwas
cummi ngalongsi
dehim whisperi
ngi naudible
thi
ngsaboutmyl oveforhim unti
lwebot hlai
dther
e,
spent.
Idon’tknowhowl ongwelai
dthere,
withhishead
nestl
edbet weenmynakedbreast
s,butevent
uall
y
ourdoorbellwasgoingcr
azyandJohnLucwas
screamingabouthowhewasgoi ngtokil
lbothof
usifwedi dn’
tcomeoutri
ghtnowbecausewewer e
l
atef ort
heshow.
West umbledtotheshowerl aughingandsteal
ing
ki
ssesaswequi ckl
ybat hedeachother.Idi
dn’t
havetodressupordomymakeupasmyout fit
s
wereinthestudio,butIhelpedhim wi
thhissuit,
God,helookedsof ine…andt henweracedtothe
hotel
parki
ngl otwher ehedroveoutli
keamani ac
andgotmet hereint i
mef ormakeupandout fi
tt
ing.
*
***
***
**
REMEMBERTOLI
KEANDCOMMENT
[
04/
15,
07:
40] :SDLUDLA:10

Antonestoodatthebackofthehallandwas
makingfunnyfacesatmeasIwal kedtherunway.I
wasopeningandcl osi
ngforpl
ussize,andthati
s
bi
gf eati
nmodelli
ng…toopenandcl oseforf
ashi
on
week,especi
all
yforanewbieli
keme.
Ital
lwentsowell,andJohnLuccamet otel
lmeI
hadsnaggedt woendorsementsal
ready.Yi
ppee!
Cecil
ewasovert hemoonaboutbothmy
endorsementsandhowwel lIdi
dintherunway,she
camet ocongrat
ulateme,andcaughtmestari
ngat
ToneasDorawal
keduptohim andtr
iedt
omake
outwi
thhi
m.Tonypushedheroffandwalkedaway.
CECILE:See,that
’sdisrespectrightther
e.We
Frenchgir
ls,uncouthandcr assaswear eknownt o
be,wedon’tplayli
ket hat.Ifagirlwascomi ngonto
mymanl i
kethat?Honey, shewoul dgetsnatched!
AndAmer icangirl
sarel i
ket hat…disr
espectful
,the
l
otofthem are!Youneedt ocurbit
!
ME:I
t’
sok,
Tonei
snotent
ert
aini
ngi
t.
CECILE:It
’st
heconceptofitLett
y!Tomakesure
bit
chesknowhei stakenandyouwouldtakedown
weavesifabitcht
ri
es.Ah,therei
smyhusbandand
somebi t
chtryi
ngtobealloverhim.
Shewalkedovertoatal
lAfri
caAmer icanbasketbal
l
pl
ayerli
keguywhoIhadear li
erseent al
kingwith
Tone.Nowsomer edheadwasal loverhim, and
Ceci
lewalkedri
ghtuptothem andstoodbet ween
herhusbandandthegir
l,l
it
eral
lydisr
egardingher
asshetalkedt
oherhusbandandl edhi m awayby
hand.
Tonemout
hedt
omehewasgoi
ngt
othet
oil
ets,
andatt
hatmomentMsCot
tonMot
hwal
kedout
aft
erhi
m.
Thi
sbi
tch?Real
ly?
Ihear
dthei
rconver
sat
ionasIwal
kedout
ANTONE:I ’
m noti
nter
ested,Dor
a,youar
e
embarr
assingyoursel
f,r
eall
y!Youcandobet
ter
thanatakenman,youknow…
DORA:(
whiney)ButIl
oveyou,
Ant
one…wewer
e
gr
eatt
oget
her…
ANTONE:No,wesnor tedcocai
netogether,t
hat
’s
whatwedid.Qui
tefrankly,
Idon’
tknowi fyoucan
l
oveanyonebutyourself
.I’
m ver
yhappywi thmy
gi
rl
fri
end,
Dora.Leavemeal oneandstayawayf r
om
her
.
DORA:Iknowyouwantmetoo….
comeon,
Tone,
shedoesn’
thavet
oknow…
Forshame!God,thisgi
rlwastaki
ngittoofar
,and
Ceci
lewasright,
ifIwasgoingtodat
eahi ghprofil
e
manlikeTone,Iwasgoingtoneedtolearntostand
upformyself.
Iwal
kedupt
othem,
handsf
oldedacr
ossmychest
.
ME:Real
ly,Dor
a?That
’sj
ustsad,evenf
oryou.To
t
hrowyoursel
fatamanli
kethat?
DORA:Oh,i
t’
smissPi
ggy,
what
,readyt
ogost
uff
yourf
aceagai
n?
ME:( laughi ng)isthatreallyal lyougotoverme?
ThatI ’
mf at?Honey, MsPi ggyher ej ustpul l
edt wo
endor sement sinoneni ghtwi thherf atself,andI
didn’thearaboutyoupul l
ingany.Youar eol dnews,
Dora, facei tandmoveal ong.Besi des, Icouldlose
thewei ght ,butthereisnohel pi ngthatnast y
atti
tudeandt hatunfort
unat ef ace, eveni fyoufound
thebestcosmet icsurgeoni nt hewor ld.Youl ook
l
ikea12yearol dChineseboy…nobut t,
noboobsat
all
…nxenxenxenxe!Ibetanymanwhoeversl ept
withyouwasdr unkandhadanover washofshame
i
nt hemor ningbecauset heyf eltl
ikeapaedophi le.
I’
m awoman, darli
ng,Iembr aceal lmycur ves,
roundst omachandf labbyt highsandIdon’ tneed
tobenast yt oanyonet of eel good.Nowgocr yitout
i
nacor nerandeatsomecot tonbal ls.Shal lwe,
Antone?
Hestoodther
egapingi
nsur
pri
se,t
henbur
stout
l
aughingashefol
lowedmei
nside.
ANTONE:Wow…Iguessyoutoldher
!Iwasstart
ing
towonderi
fyoumissedt
hatsassgeneIhear
d
abouti
nSouther
nAfri
cangi
rl
s.
ME:(l
aughi
ng)shewasget
ti
ngonmyl
astner
ves.
Wannadit
chthi
sstupi
dpar
ty?
ANTONE:Your
eadmymi
nd.Mycari
sthatway.
Wedr oveouttoasmal lt
ownout sidePari
s,wher
e
wesatonahi l
lwatchi
ngthest ar
s,myheadonhi s
shoulder
,justenj
oyingbeingineachother’
s
company.Her eal
lydidmakemef eelcomfort
abl
e,
andwecoul dstayjustt
alkingaboutnothi
ngfor
hours.
*
***
***
***
Afterthefashi
onweekwedr oveouttohi sparent
s’
vi
neyar doutsi
deoft own.Theyli
vedalmostni ne
hoursawayf rom Paris,
andTonedeci dedwe
shoulddrivesoIcoul dseethecountr
ysi deof
France.Hisparentswer er
etir
edMichelinStarchefs,
andt heyhadempl oyeesrunthei
rhighclass
r
est
aur
ant
sinPar
isandNi
ce.
Itwassuchafuntri
pwel aughedandsangl oudl
y
topunkrockandatemassiveamountsofcotton
candyunti
lwewerebothsicktoourstomachand
hadtostopatapetr
olst
ationtogetsomePept o-
Bismol,
andthenl
aughedatour sel
vesforbei
ngso
sil
lyt
oeatthatmuchcandy.
Wear r
ivedint heeveni
ng.Hi
sparent’
svi
neyardwas
sobeautiful,
itwasmi l
esandmil
esofgreenery
befor
ewer eachedthemainhouse.Thei
rhouse
wasal argedoublestoreyFr
enchstyl
evil
lat
hat
stoodinahi l
l.
Thecl
oserwei
nched,
themor
ener
vousIgot
.
Hismothergreetedusout
sidei
nherapron.She
wasapet i
teFrenchwomanwi t
hasmi l
ef acebut
i
ntel
li
genteyesthattol
dyoushedi
dn’ttakeno
nonsense.
MRSCROS:Let t
y,welcome, wel
come…Tonyhas
toldussomuchaboutyou!I ’
m Noell
e,hi
smot her
…
Final
lyni
cet
oseehi m dati
ngoutofhisstupi
d
spotl
ight
,ar
ealbeauti
fulgi
rlnotthosest
upid
model
saf
terhi
smoney.
Il
ookedathi
minconf
usionandhedesper
atel
y
mouthedf
ormetogoalongwit
hit
.
ME:Thankyouma’am,it
’sapleasur
etomeetyou
too.Tonet
oldmeabouthisphenomenalmot
her,
butnothowbeaut
if
ulsheis.
MRSCROS:( smili
ng)Ilikeheral
ready!Comei n,
comei ndarl
ing!Final
lyapersonIcoul dfeed!Ihope
youhaveanappet itebecauseinthishousewel ove
food.Absol
on!Absol on,yourdaughterinlawis
hereandaintshepr ett
y!
Anolderver
sionofTonecameout si
det
hehouse
onanaprontoo,cover
edinfl
our.Hepul
ledmeint
o
abearhugbeforehugginghi
sson.
MRCROS:Shei sbeauti
ful,Tone,canItel
lyoua
secret
?NonoandIhaveal wayswant edli
ttl
emi xed
racegrand-babies,
theyaresopr ettyl
ooking.And
withamot herthathasaf acelikethat
,Jesus,they
aregonnabeknockout s!
ANTONE:(
laughing)Papa!Canwepl
easegeti
nsi
de
t
hehousebeforeyouhaveusmakingbabi
es
al
ready?
MRSCROUS:Why?Youwer
emadeout
side…byt
hat
f
ount
ainact
ual
ly…
ANTONE:(coveringhisfacewit
hhishands)Maman!
OhGod,theyaresoembar r
assi
ng!Iapol
ogise,
Let
ty,
myparentsaretypicalFr
enchandverycrass.
Wesatandtalkedforawhi l
eandhaddinner
.Tone
wasthel
astbornoffivechil
dren,
andImetallhi
s
si
bli
ngs,
twobr ot
hersBlaiseandNikol
ai,
andhis
si
ster
sNinaandRei ne.
Allhi
sf amil
ylivedandwor kedinthevineyardand
theywer eal
lsoni ce.Imetsever alot
herempl oyees,
whower eal
lreferr
edt oas‘ oncl
e’or‘
tante’
,despit
e
notbeingreall
yr el
atives.
Wehadal
argemeal
andevent
ual
lyr
eti
redt
oour
r
oom.
ME:Whatt
hehel
l
,Tone,
youdi
dn’
ttel
lyourf
ami
lyI
model
?
ANTONE:Iknowitl
ooksbad,butmymom real
ly
doesn’
tli
kemodel
sbecauseshethi
nksal
laret
he
same.Noneofmyf amilyreallyf
oll
owsmedi aand
such,soIt
houghttheyshoul dgett
oknowyouf ir
st
andthenI’
l
ltel
lthem.Ididn’twantthem j
udgi
ngyou
befor
eknowinghowamazi ngyouar e.
ME:Idon’
tli
kethisTone,
Idon’twantt
ost
artof
f
meeti
ngyourparentsbyl
ying.
ANTONE:Justaf ew,
days, comeon,l
etthem getto
knowyou…Ir eall
ywantthem toli
keyouLetty,
becauseIloveyouandmyf ami
lyi
simportantt
o
me.I twoul
dbr eakmeiftheyevenhadasmal lthi
ng
againstyou.
ME:Andyout
hinkl
yinghel
ps?
ANTONE:I
’m sor
ry…Ij
ustwantthem t
oli
keyou.I
wantt
hem t
oseeyouar edi
ff
erent.
Ihuff
edandsatwi
thmyar
mscr
ossedagai
nstmy
chest
.
ANTONE:Pl
easedon’
tbemadatme,
mon
t
resor
…pl
ease…
ME:Fi
ne,butjustafewdaysTone,
andt
henyou
havet
otellt
hem.Liesal
wayshaveawayof
sur
faci
ng!
*
***
***
**
Thenextmor ningwasbeauti
ful
,theairwasfresher
hereinthevineyar
d.Wehadal oudbreakfastwit
h
everyonetel
li
ngmeofhi sescapadesasachi l
d,and
Icouldtel
lhewasgr eat
lyl
oved,theshyli
ttl
eboyhe
hadbeen.
Hisparent
swer en’
tenti
rel
ypleasedbyhiscar
eer
pathandsociali
tel
if
e,butacceptedi
tbecausei
t
madehi m happy.
Hethentookmetothevi
neyardwher
eImetvarious
‘
oncles’
and‘t
ant
es’whopickedupal
otofgrapes
f
ormeandcompl i
mentedmeofhowbeaut i
fulI
l
ookedandhowhappytheirTon-
tonl
ooked.
Thenextdayhi
smotheri
nvi
tedust
ogogr
ocer
y
shoppi
ngwitht
hem i
ntown.
Itwasasmal ldul
ltownandwewentabout
shoppi
ng.Shewant edtogetanewscar
fatashop,
andwef ol
lowedheraround.
Tonespot
tedsomet
eenagegi
rl
swhohadj
ust
boughtamagazi
nethathadaspr
eadofmyBoudoi
r
l
inger
ieandr
ecogni
sedme.Shit
.
Thi
swasgoingtobeamess.Theywer
ewal
king
st
rai
ghtt
owardsmeforaphot
o.
ANTONE:Maman,Ithi
nkt
heyhaveni
cerscar
fsthat
si
de…Let
ty,
letmet
akemamantocheckthem out
MRSCROS:Youarer
ight
,butIcoul
duseal
ady’
s
opi
nion,
comeon,
Let
ty…
ME:Yes,MrsCr
os,
letmejustpi
cksomel
ady
i
nti
matesthi
ssi
deandI’
l
lcatchup.
MRSCROS:Aye, i
t’
smaman!Mr sCrosi
smy
motheri
nlaw,andevensherefusestocl
aimit
,we
r
efusetoage.Al
ri
ghtsweetgir
l…gogetyourt
hings.
Thegir
lsreachedusjustastheymadethecorner
,
andInervousl
ytookpictur
eswitht
hem andthey
happi
lywalkedaway.Phew!Let’
shopethereareno
morefansinSaintVeran.
*
***
***
**
REMEMBERTOLI
KEANDCOMMENT
[
04/
15,
07:
40] :SDLUDLA:11
Thenextmorningaf
terbreakf
astwedr oveof ft
o
whereAntonetol
dmewashi sfavouri
teplace,half
anhourfr
om hishomet own.Itwasahi ki
ng
mountai
nwhi chl
aysbetweenFr anceandI t
aly,Col
Angel
.
Wehikedtot hemostsecl
udedpar tofthemount ai
n
wherewewer enol
ongerevenseeingot herhi
kers.
Wef i
nal
lystoppedatasecludedlit
tl
ewat erspr
ing
andIlai
doutourpicnicmatandt hepicnicbasket
Tone’
smot herhadprepar
edf orus.
ME:Thi
sisyourf
avour
it
espot
?AndIt
houghtIwas
al
oner!
ANTONE:( l
aughi
ng)whatyouar
etal
kingabout
,gi
rl
,
thi
sspotisperf
ect!Youar
ethef
ir
stpersonI
broughther
e.Usedtobri
ngmydogBuddyandwe
j
ammedt osomeBonJovi.
ME:WhatdoyouknowaboutBonJovi
!I’
m Bon
Jovi
’
sbi
ggestfan.
ANTONE:Impossi
ble,
becauseI
’
m BonJovi
’
s
bi
ggestf
an!Ok,t
ryme, gi
vemeati
tl
e…
ME:Ti
tl
esmakei teasy,
I’
llsi
ngal
ineandyout
ake
i
tover
,let
’ssee…
Whoa,
we'
rehal
fwayt
her
e
Takemyhandandwe'
l
lmakei
t-Iswear
(si
ngi
ng)
ANTONE:Tooeasy…
We'
vegot
tahol
dont
owhatwe'
vegot
.
I
tdoesn'
tmakeadi
ff
erencei
fwemakei
tornot
.
We'
vegoteachot
herandt
hat
'sal
ot.
Forl
ovewe'
l
lgi
vei
tashot
."
Whoa,
we'
rehal
fwayt
her
e
Whoa,
whoa!Li
vin'
onapr
ayer
Takemyhandandwe'
l
lmakei
t-Iswear
Whoa,
whoa,
li
vin'
onapr
ayer
Ij
oinedhim andwescreamedt hechorusofthe
songatthetopofourl
ungs,playingi
magi nar
y
guit
arsandlaughi
ngattheechoofourvoi cesint
he
mountains.Wewerehavingourownl i
ttl
econcert
.
ANTONE:Nowme,
ok,
let
’ssee…
Aboutl
oveandt
het
rut
hand
Whatyoumeant
ome
Andt
het
rut
hisbabyyou'
real
lthatIneed
ME:(
laughing)yout
hinkst
hat
’shar
d?Chi
le,
Iknow
BonJovil
ikethebackofmyhand.
Iwantt
olayyoudowni
nabedofr
oses
Fort
oni
ghtIsl
eeponabedofnai
ls
Iwantt
obej
ustascl
oseast
heHol
yGhosti
s
Andl
ayyoudownonabedofr
oses

ME:I
’
m sur
eyouar
enotgonnagett
hisone
Wel
l,
IguessI
'
m nott
hatgoodanymor
e
But
,baby,
that
'sj
ustme
ANTONE: AndIwi
lll
oveyou,
baby,
always
AndI
'
llbet
her
efor
everandaday,
always
I
'
llbet
her
e't
ilt
hest
arsdon'
tshi
ne
'
Tilt
heheavensbur
standt
hewor
dsdon'
trhyme
AndIknowwhenIdi
e,
You'
l
lbeonmymi
nd
AndI
'
lll
oveyoual
ways
Hepulledmecloserandkissedmeashecl osedthe
chorusofBonJovi’s‘
Always’,t
hewordski
ndof
makingmeemot ional
,especial
lyhowTonesangit
wit
hsuchearnestness,l
ookingmer i
ghti
ntheeye.
*
***
***
*
Afterthepicnic, wedroveintoItalyandspentt he
dayeat i
ngj unkandbuyi ngli
ttl
et r
inkets,andwe
metal otmor efans,bothofmeandofTone’ s.It
wasgener allysuchal ovel
yday.Letmet el
lyou
somet hi
ng, whenIst artedmodel li
ngIl ovedmyl i
fe
becausef orthef ir
stti
meIl ovedbei nginthe‘ i
n
crowd’,beingt hecoolkid,havingpeopl enoticeme
forthefir
stt i
me.NowIdesper atelylongedf ormy
anonymi t
ybecauseIj ustwant edt oenj oymyday
withmyboyf riend,butwehadt ost opeveryso
oftenandt akepi ctur
eswi thfans.Pr iceoffame.To
apoi ntwher ewehadt obuyhat sandsungl asses
asdisgui ses.Ididn’
tknowsomanyt eenagegirl
s
readmagazi nesandwher eobsesseswi t
hsexy
l
ingerie…butt henIwasl eadmodelf orEurope’s
equivalentofVi ct
oria’sSecret,andonamor e
i
nclusivecampai gnt hatcateredforthemajorit
yof
people,becausel et’
sf acei t
,alotmor epeopleare
plussizet hanper f
ectski nnyVictor
ia’sSecret
angels.
Al otofwomenmyageandol derappr oachedme
andt oldmehowmymagazi neinter
viewf or
redecouver tl
aunchwhereIt
alkedabout
rediscoveri
ngmyselfandbodyconfidencehad
i
nspi redthem.Onlyi
ftheykneweverywor dwas
scripted!
Intheeveningweheadedbackandwhenwearri
ved,
Tone’sparent
ssatontheporchl
ooki
ngnotso
pleased.
ANTONE:I
sever
ythi
ngok,
maman?
MRSCROS:Whyl
ie,
Ant
one?
Shi
t.
It
oldhi
m weshoul
djustt
ellt
het
rut
h.Yousee!
Lyi
ngi
sneveragoodi
dea!
ANTONE:Whatar
eyout
alki
ngabout
?
Thefatherpull
edaYouTubevi deoofussi ngingi n
theColAngelsmount ains,t
it
led‘ FrenchNBApl ayer
andSuper modelgir
lfr
iendgem i toutint he
mountains’anditwasgoi ngviral,everyonetalking
aboutusbeing‘goals’andhowcut ewewer e
toget
her.
MRSCROS:TanteAgathe’
sdaughtersawi
tand
cametoshowushowcut eyouandyour
super
modelgi
rl
fr
iendwhere.
ANTONE:Icanexpl
ain.
MRSCROS:Pl
easedo,
becauseI
’
dli
kever
ymuch
t
oheari
t!
ANTONE:Iwasj ust…Iloveher,
maman, sheis
dif
fer
ent…genui
ne.Ijustwantedyout oseewhatI
seebeforeyouwrit
eherof fasjustanot
hermodel
.
MRSCROS:(
tome)andyou,
youal
lowedt
his?
ANTONE:Shetri
edt
otel
lmenott
olie,
maman,butI
wasjustaf
rai
dyouwon’
tmakeef
for
ttoknowher
…
MRSCROS:Shehasamout
h,shecanspeakf
or
her
sel
f!
ME:I’
m sosorry,
Mr sCros.Ij
ust…Ij
ustwanteda
chancebecauseIreal
lyloveTone…Iam sosorr
ywe
decei
vedyou…
MRSCROS:Yetyoustil
lcoverf
orhi
m.Iknowhe
bamboozl
edyouint
olyi
ng,youdon’
tcomeacr
oss
asadecept
ivegi
rl
…
ME:Hewasj
ustt
ryi
ngt
ohel
p…
MRSCROS:HowcanIt r
ustyouwit
hmysonwhen
youcannotbewomanenoughtodi
scer
nri
ghtf
rom
wrong?Huh?
ME:Iam sor
ry…
MRSCROS:Idon’ tl
ikethis…Idon’
tli
ket hisat
all
…especiall
ythatIlikeyouandIseeaf uturefor
youwi t
hmyson.Buthowar emygr andchi l
dren
goingtohaveal i
fewithbot ht
heirparentswhor ing
themselvestot hemedi a?Howar etheygoi ngt o
facetheirpeerswhenanyonecanseeapi ctureof
thei
rmot heronherpant i
esinmagazines?
Shehuf
fedandl
eftf
ort
hehouse.
MRCROS:Sheisjustnothappy,butsheli
kesyou.
Webothj
ustdon’
tthi
nkthisli
feofthepubli
ceye
wher
eever
yoneknowsever yt
hingaboutyourl
if
eis
t
heri
ghtway.
Heal
sost
oodupandl
eftust
her
e.
ANTONE:I
’
m sor
ryIgotusi
ntot
his.
ME:It’
sok,wewer egoi
ngt obejudgedanyway.
Waitunti
lyouhearwhatmypar entsthi
nksabout
memodel li
ngl
ingeri
e.Theybeli
evesI’m demon
possessedandthedevili
susingme.Mymom can’ t
waitt
odi pmeinanointi
ngoil
.
Oh,bytheway,didItel
ly’
allmyfatherisapast
or
foroneoftheknownPentecostalchurchesi
n
Botswana?Yup.Waitfort
hatdrama.
Webot hl
aughedandwentt oourr oom.Tony’s
parent
swerecordialt
obothofusi nthemor ningas
wepackedourthingstoleave,butnotaswar m as
theyhadbeenwhenwear r
ived.Bummer .Right
aboutnowIwishedsomuchIwasanun, becauseI
real
lywant
edthem tolikeme.Iwonderwhatt hey
weregoi
ngt osayaboutmyAl l
urecampaign,where
Iwil
lbeli
ter
ally‘t
astef
ull
y’nakedintheshowerto
adver
ti
setheirluxur
yshowergel .
*
***
***
**

Thisti
mearoundwetookafli
ght,Antone’
sbrot
her
Blai
sedroveustot
hesmallai
rportandapologi
sed
forhi
sparent
s.Hewasmuchni cer.
IengagedAnt
oneisconver
sat
ionasthefl
ightt
ook
offandwewer el
aughi
ngsohardhehadn’
teven
real
isedi
tunt
ilwewerewel
lonait
.Win!
ANTONE:Like,
Iwaswonder
ing…haveyouever
t
houghtabout,
youknow…(Whisper
ingi
nmyear )
t
hemilehighclub?
ME:Ant
one!No!
ANTONE:Youar
esuchapussy!
ME:Youknowt
hati
sil
legal
,ri
ght
?
ANTONE:Doyouonl
ydol
egalt
hings?Pussy…l
ook,
ever
yonei
sasl
eep…
Thiswasashor t2hr
sf l
ight
,henceasmal lplane
fr
om at i
nytown,soitdidn’
treal
lyhavebusiness
cl
ass, muchli
keAirBotswana.Alltheyhadwas
pri
ori
tyseats,whi
chmeantwesatatt hetwoseat s
wit
ht hemostspaceatt heback,andourseat s
di
dn’treal
lyhavenei
ghbours.
Tonepull
edtheair
planeblanketandcoveredus
both,
thenIcoul
dfeelhishandonmyt hi
gh.
Iwaswearingt
hisshor t
,pl
eat
edskirt
,heel
sandat
-
shir
tti
edatmywai st
,andhewasj ustonsimpl
e
sweatpant
sandt-shi
rt.Madethi
ngsawhol el
ot
easier
.
Thenhishandwasovermypant iesandrubbi
ngme
thr
oughthethinl
acebef or
emovi ngmypant i
es
asi
deandIf el
thi
sf i
ngersli
deinsidemywetcor e.I
movedmyhandsoverhi scrot
chandunderhi s
sweatpant
s,andasalwayshewasgoi ng
commando, hewasalreadyhard.Iwrappedmy
handaroundhisthi
ckmemberandmovedupand
down.Ifel
thimthrusti
ngslowlyagainstmyfingers
asIrubbedvigor
ously.Ihadnevereverinmyl i
fe
fel
tashornyasIdidatt hatmoment .Everyt
hing
wasdonei nabsol
utesilence,andwewer eavoidi ng
anysuggesti
vemovement sasmuchaspossi ble.
Hewasbi t
ingdownonhi sli
pt r
yingnottomoanas
wepleasuredeachotherunt i
lwewer eatthever ge.
Hepul
ledhisf
ingeroutofmeandputi
tinmy
mout
h,makingmel i
ckit,
thenst
oodupandwal
ked
t
othetoi
let
,wi
nkingatme.
Il
ookedar
oundandi
ndeedmostpeopl
ewer
eei
ther
asl
eepori
mmersedi
nthei
rmovies.
Damni
t!Weweregoingtodothi
s?Wi
lli
tbewr
ong
t
opraythatwedon’
tgetcaught
?
Ilookedaroundandthenst
oodupandwal
kedt
o
thetoil
etstal
lhe’
dwalkedi
n.
ANTONE:That
’smygi
rl
…
Hewhi
sper
edasheopenedf
ormet
oent
er.
Letmet el
lyou,
therei
ssomet hingextr
aeroti
c
aboutsexinfor
biddenplaces.Nextti
meyouar ein
aplanewithyourbae…i
ja,no,don’tdothat
,pl
ease.
Tonegentlytur
nedmear oundwi t
hmybackt ohim
sothatIheldontothetoi
letwall
,Icoul
dfeelhi
s
hardonagainstmyback.Hi shandswereundermy
skir
tandhepulledoffmypant i
esenti
rel
yandheld
them.
Hepusheddownonmybackwi t
hhishandunt ilI
wasbentattheri
ghtangel
;heisamassi veman
andI’
m abiggir
l,webarel
yfi
tinthetoi
letstal
l,
and
thecrammedspacemadeever yt
hingsupererot i
c.I
fel
thi
m slowl
yinchinsi
demywett hrobbingcore,
andthenhestoppedandwhispered‘
Ar eyouok? ’
InoddedbecauseIdi dn’
ttrustmyselftoopenmy
l
ipsbecauseIwassosexual lychargedI’
djust
scream.Hegent lyrockedagai nstme,eachthrust
taki
ngabout10secondst ogoi n,and10tocome
out.Becausewecoul dn'tmovemuch, Icouldfeel
everyjer
kandt hrobashi sthickmembersl owly
hammer edintome.Hi shandscamet othefr
ont
andstartedsqueezingmyni pplessosensuall
yI
couldbarelyholditassmal lmoansescapedmyl i
p.
‘
Shhhhhh…shutup,
Ler
ot hodi
…shhh…youar
eso
goi
ngtogetuscaught
!’hecommandedandhalf
l
aughed,
bit
ingmyearandthentookmypant ies,
st
uff
ingt
hem inmymouthsoIdi dn’
tmakeany
noi
seashethrusti
nandout,nowhisotherhand
goi
ngtomyl abi
aandst
roki
nggent l
y.
Wecameatt hesamet i
mei nahect i
cfrenzy,him
pumpingl oadsaf t
erl
oadsintomeasIbi thardin
thethi
nlacei nmymout htostopmysel ffr
om
screaming.Whenwewer efi
nallydone,hepulled
thewetwi pesandwi pedhimsel fandthem me,
whichonlymademysensi t
ive,sexual
lycharged
corehum agai nashishandmovedr epeatedl
yover
myent r
ancewi t
hthewetwi pe.Hepul l
edonhi s
pantsandsi l
entlywalkedout.
Iwashedmyf aceandf i
xedmyhai r
.Mypant i
es
weresosoakedIcoul dn’twearthem anymor e,
soI
chuckedthem intothedustbinandwal kedbackto
myseat ,
justast heannouncementwasmadet hat
wewer eaboutt oascendintoourdestinati
onsoall
passengersshoul df
astentheirseatbelt
.
Wewerelaughi
ngsohardaswewal kedoutand
i
ntot
heairpor
t,andIwaswalki
ngawkward,
cl
ampingmylegstoget
herasIfel
tsomeofhiscum
r
unningdownmyl eg.Shi
t.Wher
eist
her
est
room i
n
t
hisplacewhenoneneedsit?
*
***
***

Ourvideowastrendingsomuchwegoti nvi
tedtoa
tal
kshow, andBonJovipeoplecont
act
edust o
offerusexcl
usi
vet i
cket
sfort
heupcomingshowi n
Franceinaboutfourmonths.
Aweekl ateri
twasti
met ochecki
ntorehab.He
drovethere.I
twasanicegreenor
ganicplacethat
wasver yexcl
usi
veandsecreti
ve,
butverystri
ct.No
phones,theywereal
lowedcall
sever
yweekendand
vi
sitsonlyonmonthend.
ME:Wai t
,whati
fyourparent
scal
landwantto
speaktoyouduri
ngtheweek?Youknowthey’
llcal
l
mei ft
heycan’
treachyou.
ANTONE:Tellthem somethi
ng,Lett
y,youknowI
can’
ttel
lthem I
’m backonthi
sshitagain,
they’
l
l
worr
y.
ME:Tone!Wear
eal
readyi
ntr
oubl
eforl
ying!
ANTONE:Yea,Ihat
ethi
stoo,butcomeon, Lett
y!
Myparent
sareannoyi
ngandwi l
lfussalloverus
andbl
amemyl if
eformebeingondr ugs.
ME:I’m notagoodli
ar,
maybeIcanhol dthem of
f
f
ornextweek.ButthenI’djustbeawkward!90days
i
sal ongtimeandIcan’tcomeupwi t
hthatmany
l
ies.MaybeIshouldsneakyouaphonenextweek.
ANTONE:Howareyougoi
ngtosneaki
naphone
nextweek?Howar
eyougoi
ngtocomeinnextweek?
ME:Idon’
tknow…letmetr
yandcomeupwi
tha
pl
an.ButI
’l
lseeyounextweek.
ANTONE:Shit,
howam Igoi
ngt
ost
ay90days
wi
thoutseei
ngyou?
ME:Don’tbeababy,youseemeeverymonthend,
andnextweek.Il
oveyou,ok?AndI
’m pr
oudofyou
fordoi
ngthi
s.
ANTONE:Thankyou…I’
m gl
adIhaveyoursupport
.I
l
oveyoutoo.Thi
sreal
lymeansalott
ome…havi ng
youbymyside…
ME:Al
ways…now,
gobef
oreIst
artcr
ying.
Wekissedandhehadt owal kin.Thedr
iveback
homewast hesaddest
, mostlonesomedriveofmy
l
if
e,Iwasmi ssi
nghim al
ready.
*
***
***
**
REMEMBERTOLI
KEANDCOMMENT
[
04/
15,
07:
42] :SDLUDLA:12

Wakingupwi t
houtTone’supbeatannoyingness
wasthewor st
…thehousefeltsoempty.Iwentt o
thegym andranforalmosttwohours,hey,itkept
mebusy.ThenIwentbackhomeandshower ed
thenat
emyoat mealanddri
edfrui
ts.Ididn’
thave
anyshootstoday,soIst
ayedinandbi ngewat ched
TVseri
es.
Idon’tknowi ft
hisi
sjustme,buthaveyounot iced
thatfoodtastesali
tt
leblandwheneat enonyour
own?OrmaybeIj ustmissedTone.Iwaswear ing
hisgownandwal ki
ngaround.Itsti
lll
ookedli
kea
bishop’scassockonme.Look, I’
m notashortgirl
byanymeans, butToneistal
l.Yes,basket
ball
playertal
l.
Bythethir
dnightIwi
shedIcoul
dcallhi
m.Andthen
myphoner ang.Thecent
re’
snumber.Whathad
theydonetomybabe?Whywer etheycal
li
ngso
l
ateatnight?
ME:Hel
lo?
TONE:(stutt
eri
ng)Ican’
tdoitLett
y….Ican’t,
ithurt
s
sobad…please…I’
m sorr
ytodisappointyou…but
theysai
dIcan’tcheckmyselfout,onlyt
heper sonI
regi
ster
edasmynextofki ncancheckmeoutandI
regi
ster
edyou…pleasebabe,youhavet ocomeget
me…Ican’t…Let
ty,pl
ease…I
’m dyi
ng.
StrongtearsprickedmyeyesbecauseIhadseen
whatjustaf ewhour swithdr
awaldidt
ohim…Icoul
d
onlyimaginethr eedays.Iwassotemptedt
ogetin
thecarandj ustgobr i
nghim home.
ME:Babeyougott hi
s,ok?Yougott
his…Ibel
ievein
you.Iknowithur
ts,butt
heysai
ditgetsbet
ter.Just
dri
nktheirt
eas…
TONE:Theteat
astesl
ikeshi
t…t
heydon’
tevenput
sugari
nit
!Andtheymakemeeatbroccol
i.
ME:(
laughi
ng)nowyouar
ejustbei
ngawhi
ney
baby.Howdi
dyouevengett
ouset
hephone?
TONE:Isnucki ntorecepti
on,thenightguard
alwaysgoesout si
def orsomeai rf
oraboutt hir
ty
minutes,
Icouldn’tsleepsoInoticedalotof
thi
ngs…Lettypleasecomegetme.IswearI ’l
ldo
anythi
ng…youcoul dlit
eral
lyspendt herestofour
l
ivescommandi ngmeandI ’
l
lhavet odoanyt hi
ng
youwant…
ME:Ibel
ievei
nyou…doyouwantt
o…l
ike…youknow,
pr
ay?
TONE:Huh?
ME:ToGod,
youknow?Forst
rengt
h…
TONE:Idon’
tevenknowhowt
o.
ME:Okay, f
ocusandl et
’spray.Thankyou, Lor
d, f
or
beingthereforusandal lowingust ocryouttoyou
i
nt hi
st i
meofneed.Wet hankyouf orthe
oppor t
unit
yf orAnt onetobeheal edandwer eceive
yourhealingLor d.Lord,youareHol yaboveall
others,andal lofthestr
engt hthatweneedi sin
yourhands.Wear enotasking, Lor
d,thatyoutake
thi
strialaway.I nstead,
wesi mpl yaskthatYourwill
bedonei nourl ives.Butweadmi tthatit'
shar d,
Lord.Tonei ssuf fering.Ri
ghtnowhef eelslikehe
l
ikecan’tgoon.Thepai nandt hefearar etoomuch,
andweknowt hatwedon’ thavet hest rengthonour
ownt ogett hrought hi
s.Weknowt hatwecancome
toyou,Lord, andt hatyouwi l
lhearourpr ayer.We
knowt hatitisnotyouri nt
entt obringust othis
pointj
usttol eaveusi nthewi lder
nessal one,sowe
beli
eveitisyourwi llthatwear eher e.Pleasegui de
andleadhi mt hrought hi
st r
yingtime.Fat her,ifyou
arewill
ing,taket hiscupf rom him;yetnothi swi l
l,
butyoursbedone.Amen.
TONE:Thankyou…youknow…sur
pri
singl
y,t
hat
makesmef eelbet
ter
.
ME:Youcandothi
sTone,
Ibel
ievei
nyou,
Iloveyou,
ok?Remembert
hat.
TONE:Iloveyoutoo.Iwoul
dn’
tbeabletodothi
s
wit
houtyou…ok,gott
ago,guar
disback.Bye!
Hesl
ammedt hephoneandIcouldi
maginehim
r
unni
ngandhiding.Il
aughedatt
hethought
.He
wassonaughty.
Ismi ledthi
nkingIactual
lyprayedforhim.Icoul dn’
t
evenr ememberthelastti
meIpr ayed.EversinceI
l
ef thomet ogost udyinUB,Godandchur ch
becameal uxuryvisi
tedonlywhent hingsgothar d,
allthroughtostarti
ngworkinguntilnow.Isai d
anot hershortpr
ayerandwentbackt obedt r
yingso
muchnott ocrythinki
ngofAnt oneallaloneinthat
place.
*
***
**
Thenextdayaft
ergym Ifi
nal
lydial
ledKago’
s
number.Ihadnotdel
iber
atel
yneglectedmyfr
iends.
Thi
ngsjustgotsobusyandall…
KAGO:Bonj
our
?
Heanswer
ed,
seei
nganumberf
rom Fr
ance
ME:Heyst
ranger
…
KAGO:(
excit
edly)Let
ty!Whatt
hef
uckman,
how
l
onghasitbeen?
ME:Ithoughtyouwerest
il
lmadatmeaf
tert
hat
Sout
hAf ri
cashenani
gans
KAGO:Yeat
hatwasf
uckedup,
Let
ty.Wewer
eso
wor
ri
edaboutyou!
ME:I
’
m sorry,
Iwasjust
…wel
l,Ihadl
eftmyphonein
t
hedressi
ngroom andt
henIwentoutwit
hafri
end.
KAGO:Ant
oneCros…what
?Ir
eadsoci
almedi
aandI
wat
chYouTube.
ME:Hei sreal
lysuchagreatguyKago!Iam so
happywithhim,Ifi
nal
lyf
eelli
keIfoundwhatI’
ve
beenlooki
ngfor!
KAGO:Ok…
ME:Howar
eyoudoi
ng?Howi
sever
ythi
ng?
KAGO:Fi
ne…ever
ythi
ngi
sal
lgood…
ME:AndKesego…
KAGO:Yea,Idon’
tknowaboutthat
…sheisagr
eat
gi
rlandal
l,
justnotwhatI
’
ml ooki
ngfor
…
ME:Iknow, r
ight
…wheni t
’st
heri
ghtper
son,you
j
ustfeeli
t.If
eelitwit
hTone.Heisj
ustsoperfect
Kago,Ican’
twaitforyoutomeethi
m!I’
m sureyou’l
l
fi
ndyour i
ghtpersonsoon.
KAGO:Idi
d…l
ook,
Let
ty,
Ihavet
ogo.Thi
sisyour
number
,ri
ght
?I’
l
lcal
lyou.
Ical
ledGaonatoo,butshehungupt
hemomentshe
hear
dmyvoi ce.Okthen.
ThenBellaandsetupdinnerandahangoutsession.
Ineverunderst
oodthosegir
lswhoj ustshutof
f
fr
om thewor l
dwhentheyfelli
nlove,andnowIwas
oneofthem andtot
all
ynotsorry.Iwantedtospend
everyminuteofmylif
ewithTone.
Nowcamet
hebi
gcal
l.Mypar
ent
s.
ME:Hel
lo…Dumel
ang
MOTHER:Ler ot
hodi
,kegorewhatar eyoudoing
embarrassi
ngusli
kethis?Yourfaceisplast
eredal
l
overSouthAfri
cai
nyourpant i
es,somechurch
member ssawitwhentheytravel
ledther
e!
ME:Howi
sever
ythi
ngathome,
mme?Howi
snt
ate?
MOTHER:Howdoyout hi
nkhei swhenyouare
tryingtogivehi m aheartattack?Whyar eyouli
ke
this?Allyoursi bl
ingsareGodf ear
ingpeopl
e,and
youj ustinsistonembar rassingus!Howdoyou
thinkpeopl earelookingatus?Howi syourfat
her
supposedt
opr
eacht
opeopl
ewi
thadaught
erl
ike
you?
ME:Idon’
tseehowmymodel l
ingaf
fect
sthewor
d
ofGod.Ij
ustwant
edtocheckonyou.Byemme,I
wil
lcal
lagai
nnextweek.
MOTHER:Don’
t…unl
essyouarereadyt
ogiveup
t
hisst
upi
dit
yandgiveyourl
i
fetoGod,don’
tcal
lme.
Irol
ledmyeyesandhungup.Thenumberoft
imes
theyhadt
hreat
enedtodi
sownme!
WhenIhungupanot
hercal
lcamei
n.Ant
one’
s
mother
.
ME:Bonj
ourmaman…
MRSCROS:Bonj
ourbel
le-
fi
ll
e,howar
eyoudoi
ng?
ME:I
’
mfi
nemaman,
howi
sever
ythi
ngbackt
her
e?
MRSCROS:Ah, well
,wel
l…youknowfarm wor
k
neverends!Wehaveanewcontractf
orthewi
ner
y
anditssomuchwork!
Shewentonandonf orabout10mi nut
esupdating
meabouteveryt
hingandeveryone’
shealth,
i
ncludi
ngtheonclesandtant
e’swhower en’
teven
r
elat
ives.
MRSCROS:Youbothhaven’tcall
edusinawhi
le
now…can’
tfi
tusi
nyoursuperstarl
ives?
ME:It’
snotli
kethat,maman.Wewentona
wil
dernesscoupl
e’sret
reatandthenetworkwas
bad.Ihadtocomebackear li
erbecauseIhavea
shoottomorr
ow,butItoldTonetostaysincewe
pai
df oraful
lweek.Heshouldbebackbyweekend
andI’
m surehewillcal
l.
MRSCROS:Oh,
coupl
e’
sret
reat
,Isee…wasi
t
r
omant
ic?
ME:Uhm…
MRSCROS:Ah, ayesthen…(Chuckl
ing)Ihopeyou
didmakeusagr andchil
d.Al
ri
ghtsweetgirl
.Take
careofyoursel
f,letmeputthi
soldbonest obed
now.Aur evoi
r,bele-
fi
ll
e
ME:Aur
evoi
rmaman,
myr
egar
dst
opapa
Ihear
dhercal
lherhusband.
MRSCROS:Absol
on!Yourdaught
eri
nlawsayshi
.
MRCROS:(
ont
hebackgr
ound)Nono,
howar
eyou
goi
ngtospeakt
oherandnotl
etmesayhi
?Bonj
our
Let
ty…
ME:Bonj
ourPapa,
letmenotkeepyouguysawake
anyl
onger
…
MRSCROS:Oh,
wear
enotsl
eepi
ng…wear
eabout
…
ME:(
laughi
ng)Aur
evoi
r,maman…youguyshave
f
un!Bonnenuit
MRSCROS:( l
aughing)What?Iti
swhatmar r
ied
peopledo!Don’tbecoy…I’
m sureyougotalotof
thati
nthatcouple’
sretr
eatyouwentto!Bri
ngusa
grandchi
ldsoon.
*
***
***
*
BySaturdayIgotToneasmal l
ersmartphonethan
hi
siPhone,andli
ter
all
yhiditbetweenmybr east
s
asIdroveint
otherehabi
li
tati
oncentr
e.Yes,Ihida
phonebetweenmyboobs, thankGodformy38GG’ s.
Atthegatetheguardaskedmetost
atemy
businessandIstar
tedcryi
ng.
ME:(snif
fl
ing)Ij
ust
…I’
m sosor
ry…IknowIwasn’t
supposedtocomehere,Imi
ssmyboyf r
iendso
muchandhei stheonl
ypersonIknowinFr ance,
I’
mf r
om Afr
icaand…wel
l,t
hemodelli
ngwor ldisso
brut
al…Ij
ust…andmypuppydied.I
’mjustsol onel
y
I’
m afr
aidI
’l
ldosomethi
ngstupi
d…Ijustneedt osee
heisok…
Moretearslaterandhecalledthedi r
ector
.Shewas
asweetlookingwomanwi thkindbut
knowledgeableeyes.Ispunmyst oryaboutadead
puppyandhomesi cknessanddepr essi
onblahblah,
andIwasf inall
ygiven15mi nutes,warnedneverto
dothi
sagai n.
Isatinthemeet ingroom, andhecamei ninthe
whi t
erehabuni f
orm.Yes, theyhadauni for
m.You
wer enotall
owedt obringanyper sonalit
emsatal l
becausepeopl etendedtohi dedrugsoni n.You
wer epatt
eddownbef oreadmi t
ted,andgivent he
uniformtochange, t
hensur renderyourclothesto
frontdesk.Kindali
keahi ghcl asspr isonyoupay
for.Exceptithadthebestr ecoveryandnor elapse
ratesintheentir
econt i
nent .Tonehadnotusedt hi
s
onebef ore.
Iwaspat
teddownandhadt
osur
rendermy
handbagtofrontdeskaf
terdecl
ari
ngalli
temsinit.
Ofcoursethephonewassnugi ntheGG’s.If
eltso
naughtyasImovedpastt heguar
dwithouther
seei
ngit.
Tonewalkedi
nunawareofwhyhewascal l
edt
othe
meeti
ngroom f
rom dai
lyact
ivi
ti
esandhi
seyes
spar
kledwhenhesawme.
TONE:Let
ty!Youdi
dit
!Howdi
dyougetal
lowedi
n?
ME:MypuppySpar
kledi
edandIwasdepr
essed,
so…
TONE:Butyoudon’
thave….
ohhh,
Spar
kle!I
’
m so
sor
rybabe…howisever
ythi
ng?
ME:Great
!Imissedyousomuchbabe!Howar
ethe
wi
thdr
awalssymptoms?
TONE:Muchbet ter
…Ihavebeendr inki
ngtheshit
teaanditactuall
yhelps…andt heyhaveB-ballcour
t
soIplay,t
akesmymi ndoffthi
ngs…it’
ssoboring
though.Nointernet,
TVatdesi gnat
edt i
mes!God,
thi
splaceislit
eralhell,
niceasitl
ooks.
Wet
alkedaboutr
andom t
hingsf
orawhi
le,
I
updatedhi
m onoursupposedcoupl e’
sretreatand
wewentoverourstoryagaintocoverbases.Then
theguardcametotel
lust owrapitup.Istoodup
andhuggedhim.Weki ssedandIsnuckt hephone
i
ntohispantswai
stbandandwhi speredinhisear.
ME:(whisperi
nginhisearaswehugged)I
subscri
beyouf orunl
imi
teddat
a.I
t’
sful
lychar
ged,
butIcouldn’
tfi
ndawayt ogetachar
gerin…
TONE:Don’
tworr
y,Icanst
ealaniPhonechar
ger
fr
om t
hedataent
rygir
l’
shandbag.Sheisabi
tdi
tzy.
ME:Ok,dothat.What
sAppmet
oni
ght
.Keepi
t
hi
ddenplease.
TONE:Younaughtygi
rl
!Iact
ual
lydi
dn’
tbeli
eveyou
coul
dpullanyoft
hisof
f.Damni
tLer
othodiIl
ove
yousomuch…
ME:Iloveyoutoo…letmegobefor
etheguard
l
iter
all
ybeatsusup.Youarer
ight,
thi
splacel
ooks
l
ikeadamnpr ison.
Ifel
tmuchbetterasIlef
tt hef
aci
li
ty.Toni
ghtI
couldspendal
lnighttal
kingtomylove.Iwon’
tbe
abletoholdhi
m, butatl
eastIcoul
dhearhisvoi
ce.
*
***
***
*
REMEMBERTOLI
KEANDCOMMENT
[
04/
15,
07:
42] :SDLUDLA13

ThatnightweWhatsApp-
edunti
litwas4am.I
’
sso
hardtosaygoodbyetoyourl
over
.
ANTONE:Al
ri
ght
,yougot
osl
eepnow.
ME:(gi
ggl
ing)No,
yougot
osl
eep…besi
des,
Ican’
t
sl
eep.Imi
ssyou…
ANTONE:Al
ri
ght
,thi
smayhel
p…l
etmecal
lyou…
ME:Antone!They’
llcat
chyou…they’
l
lhearyoui
f
youcal
landthey’l
ltakethephone
ANTONE:Justansweryourphone…Ibetyoudon’
t
knowt
hisoneasitneverbecameahit…
Thephoner
angandIpi
ckedup
ANTONE: I
t’
shar
dformet
osayt
het
hings
Iwantt
osaysomet
imes
Ther
e'snooneher
ebutyouandme
Andt
hatbr
okenol
dst
reetl
ight
Lockt
hedoor
s
We'
l
lleavet
hewor
ldout
side
Al
lI'
vegott
ogi
vet
oyou
Ar
ethesef
ivewor
dst
oni
ght
Thankyouf
orl
ovi
ngme
Forbei
ngmyeyes
WhenIcoul
dn'
tsee
Forpar
ti
ngmyl
ips
WhenIcoul
dn'
tbr
eat
he
Thankyouf
orl
ovi
ngme
Thankyouf
orl
ovi
ngme
IneverknewIhadadr
eam
Unt
ilt
hatdr
eam wasyou
WhenIl
ooki
ntoyoureyes
Thesky'
sadi
ff
erentbl
ue
Cr
ossmyhear
t
Iwearnodi
sgui
se

Hewhi sper-sangtheslowBonJovi ball

ad,‘Thank
Youf orLovingMe’ andIcouldn’
thelpbutsmi l
elike
adamnf oolthroughouti
tal
l.Isthi
sreal?No, r
eally,
wast hishappeningtomer i
ghtnow?Canone
personbet hismuchhappy?Funnyhowt helit
tl
e
thi
ngsmadebot hofussoeasilycontent.
Therearesomepeopl ewhot hi
nkagreat
rel
ati
onshi
pisdiningoutatexpensi
verestaur
ants
andbuyingeachot herdiamondcr
ustedj
ewellery
andall
.Thatgreatloveiswhensomeoneshout sit
totheworl
dthattheyl oveyou.
BeingwithTonehadt aughtmet hatIdidn’
tneed
himt oshouti
toutloud.AllIwantedwasan
i
ntimatewhisperinmyear .Wewer ebot hso
contentwit
hli
ttl
ethingsli
keeatingcottoncandyon
aroadt r
iptoati
nyt ownwhi l
ejammi ngtoBonJovi
.
Iflut
ter
edofft
osleepwiththewi
destgr
ini
nmy
faceandhadbeautif
uldreamsofl
it
tl
emixedr
ace
kidsrunni
ngaroundavineyar
d.
*
***
***
***
Ispentthenexttwoweeksever ynightt alkingto
Toneunt i
lmidnight
,thenint hemor ni ngsI ’
l
lwor k
outfortwohour swit
hmyper sonaltrainertof ir
m
upformyupcomi ngnudeAl l
ureshoot ,andt henin
theafter
noonsI’dgof orthefirmingl asert r
eatment.
I’
dmeetBel laandCeci l
efrom timet ot i
me, and
wouldcallKagohereandt here.Gaonawasst i
llnot
tal
kingtomeandIdeci dedIcoul dn’tbegsomeone
tobemyf r
iendanymor e.Sheknewmynumbernow,
whenshegotoverherf unk,shecoul dcal lme.
Iwouldal socallTone’
sparentsandli
kealways,
theywer ealwaysahootandl eftmelaughi
ng.My
parentsrefusedtotakemycal l
satall
,andIt r
ied
boththeirnumber sever
ynight.Theyjustl
etitring.
Theyar edramat i
cbutIknowt heymeannot hi
ngby
i
t.Theyhadt hr
eatenedtodisownmesoof tent hat
thi
sdidn’tfazemeanymor e.
TheAllur
eshoottimefi
nallyarr
ived.Iwasbot
h
ner
vousandexci t
edasIshedt helastpi
eceof
cl
othi
ngandt hrewthem outoftheshoweras
camerasrol
led.Theshootwasl onganddemandi
ng,
i
twasmyf ir
stvideoshoot
,butthephotographer
waskindandpatient,
hekepti
nstructi
ngmeon
whattodoandevenwhent hedirectorl
ostitwi
th
me.Buteventual
lywegotourshotjustbeforei
t
becamedarkoutside.
Mostpeopl ehadlef
tthestudi
o,andIst
ayedbehi
nd
andfinishedmyshower ,
Iwalkedint
othechangi
ng
room inmyt owelwhenthedir
ector,
Marci
ano
walkedi n.
MARCI
ANO:Wegotsomer
eal
lygoodf
oot
age,
you
ar
eanatur
al.
Iwasuncomf or
tabl
ebecauseIl i
teral
lyhadnot
hing
underthetowelandI ’
dleftt
heper sonaIwas
playi
ngfortheshoott hemomentt hecameralef
t.
NowIwasj ustLett
yandast rangerinmychanging
room whil
eIwor eat owelmademever yner
vous.
ME:Thankyou…
Hecameoverandsatnexttomeont hebenchasI
appl
iedbodylot
iontomylegs.Imovedovert
othe
l
ockersandhestalkedmeoverandpinnedme
agai
nstthel
ockers.
MARCI
ANO:Youar
eabeaut
if
ulgi
rl
,Let
ty…
ME:Pl
easel
eavemeal
one…I
’
llscr
eam…pl
ease…
MARCIANO:Scr eam?Noneedt oscr eam hon…you
areamodel, youknowhowt histhingswor k…we
haveanewAl l
ureperf
umecomi ngupt hatyouand
DoraTravi
sar ebothconsi
deredf or…west i
llcan’
t
deci
dewhet hertoappealt
oplussi zeor
mainst
ream, butIcoul
dswayi tyourway…
ME:Leavemeal
one(
Itr
iedt
opushhi
m away)
Herippedmytowelof
fandlaughedasIt
ri
edt
o
covermybodywithmyhands.
MARCI ANO:Sopr et
ty…sover
ypret
ty…Ialways
l
ovedmeawomanwi t
hmeat.Whydoesthatlit
tl
e
spoi
ltbratgettobetheonetoenj
oyallt
his?Young
boysli
keAnt oneCrosdon’
tknowhowt oappreci
ate
awomanl i
keyou…
Ipushedhi
m of
fandst
art
edscr
eami
ng.
Ihear
dfoot
stepsandCeci
ler
ani
n.
CECILE:Whatt
hef
uck,
Mar
ciano,
whatar
eyou
doi
ng?
Shesnat
chedt
het
owelf
rom hi
m andt
hrewi
ttome.
CECI
LE:Ar
eyouokcher
e?
ME:I
’
mfi
ne…
Isai
dinashakyvoiceasIquickl
ypul
ledonmy
sweatpant
s,spor
tbraandt
-shirt
.
MARCI ANO:ComeonCici
,youwer
eamodel
once…youknowhowitgoes…
CECILE:NotatBoudoir!Wedonottakeadvantage
ofourmodelsliket
his!Sheisthesoci
aldarl
ing
ri
ghtnow.Everyoneisroot
ingforherandTone.
Imaginei
fitcameoutyout ri
edtorapeher!
MARCIANO:(
laughi
ng)Rapei
ssuchabigwor
d…I
’
m
sur
eLett
yandIhaveanunder
standi
ng…
ME:Nowedon’t,youper
ver
t.Wedon’
thaveany
under
standi
ng,
andIswearI’
m goi
ngt
othemedia
wit
hthis…
MARCI
ANO:Youwoul
dn’
t!
CECILE:Wouldn’tshe?Iwi
lldestr
oyyou,Marci
ano.
You’
dneverwor kinthisi
ndustryagai
n.ButIoff
era
bet
teralt
ernat
ive.YouaregoingtogetLet
tythat
Allur
eper f
umeadIheardshei sconsider
edf or
…
thenyouwi llr
esi
gnf
rom All
urethemomentshe
getsit.Youhaveagoodreputati
on,youwilleasi
ly
fi
ndmor ework.
MARCI
ANO:But
…
CECILE:Takeitorl
eaveit,
bynextweekifour
peopledon’
tgetacallsayi
ngshegotthead,wego
publi
c.Let
ty,l
et’
sgo.
Ifol
lowedheroutst
il
lshaki
ngthi
nki
ngofwhat
coul
dhavehappenedifshehadn’
twalkedi
n.
Wedrovet
oacof
feeshopandshatf
orcof
feeunt
ilI
cal
meddown.
CECILE:Lett
y,youhavetolearntost
andupf
or
yoursel
fandbeasmani pulati
veasyoucani
fyou
aregoingtosurvi
vethi
sindustry!
ME:I
’
m notconf
identl
ikeyou,
Cici
.
CECI LE:Yout hi
nkIwasbor nthi
sway?I ’
vebeen
throughal otinthi
sindust
ry.Iwas
raped…t wi
ce…usedasami str
ess…eati
ng
disorders…it
’sabrutalwor
ld.Unti
lIhadto
l
ear n…andalsotookupselfdefenseandMuayThai
classes.NowIcandr opamot herfuckerthr
eeti
mes
mysi zewithease.I
nf act
,comet omor r
ow,Ithi
nk
theyhavespace.Bell
aandJanal soattendthe
samecl ass.
ME:Thanks…al
ri
ght
,I’
l
lcome.
CECI
LE:Al
so,Letty,
onet
hing…canwekeept
his
awayfr
om Antone?
ME:But
…
CECI
LE:Hasheevertol
dyouwhyhereti
redatsuch
ayoungage?Atthepi
nnacl
eofhi
scareerwhenhe
wasamongthetop?
ME:Hewasbei
ngt
radedanddi
dn’
twantt
obe
t
raded…
CECILE:Whywashebei ngtraded?Well,
someone
oftheopposingteam saidsomethingnastyabout
Nina,hi
ssister
,whil
etheywer eont hef
ieldpl
ayi
ng.
Hejumpedt heguyrightthereandthenandbeat
hi
m bloody…hewassuspendedf orayearbythe
NBAandf orcedtoadr ugtest…whichendedwith
hi
mf orcedtogot or
ehab, andwhenhecameback
hi
steam vi
ewedhimtooerr
ati
candt
oomuchar
isk,
sotheywantedt
otr
adehim…
ME:Iunder
stand,
butToneandIt
elleachot
her
ever
ythi
ng.
CECI
LE:Yea,
wel
l,
Tonel
ovesb-
bal
l,
youknowt
hat
…
ME:Hel
ivesf
ori
t…
CECI
LE:I’
m notsupposedtosayt hi
s,butyouknow
myhusbandisar et
ir
edplayerandisinthe
managementofoneoft hetopteamsr i
ghtnow?
ME:Yea…
CECI LE:Whi l
esnoopi ngar ound,Ifoundoutt hat
theyar econsider i
ngtogetToneoutofr eti
rement
fornextseason, off
erhim acont ractwor t
hdoubl e
hislastcont r
actandsomeot herreallygood
thi
ngs…soi magi neifhef i
ndsoutsome
mother fuckerlaidhishandsonyou?Thatboyl oves
you,Let t
y…he’llkil
lMarcianoandl oseanychance
ofeverdoi ngwhathel ovesagai n.It’
syourdecision,
butI’mj ustsaying…Mar cianowi l
lnol ongerbea
problem.I ’
m def i
nit
elynott el
li
ngbecauseTonei s
myf riendandIknowhowmuchb- ballmeanst o
hi
m,Marci
anowon’ttel
lbecauset
hatwoul
d
damagehi
sreput
ation,
soit’
suptoyou.Bytheway,
wher
eisTone?Ihaven’
tseenhim ar
oundi
nawhi l
e.
ME:Hei sofft
oat r
ekkingt
ripi
nmount ai
nsin
Lesotho,somecount ri
esnextt
omyhomecount ry.I
wasjustwaiti
ngf orthi
sshooti
ngandI ’
mj oi
ning
himtheresoon,thenwear egoingtospendamont h
i
nBot swanaafterwardsasIdon’thaveothershoots
scheduledyet
.
Wehadalr
eadypl
annedt
hel
ief
orwhenanyone
asked.
CECILE:Gi
rl
,Ienvyyou,gi
rl
…twoki dslat
erandtri
ps
l
iket
hatarealuxury.Tr
ustme…ki dsareatrap,
don’t
doit
!I’
dshovethem backinifIcould!
Webothlaughedknowi
ngjusthowmuchthe
womanlovedhertwobrat
sandwouldgi
veanyt
hing
f
orthem.
*
***
***
***
Ihatel
yingtoAntone,butwhatwouldyouhave
done?Iknowhemi ssedb-bal
l,andhehadhisbig
chancewithareall
ybigteam.LikeIsai
d,what
wouldyoudo?Putyourl
over’
sneedsf
ir
storbe
sel
fi
shabouti
nsigni
fi
cantt
hings?
WhenItal
kedtohi
mt hatni
ghtIwasso
uncomf
ort
ablewit
hthelyi
ng.
ANTONE:Ar
eyouok,
Let
?
ME:I
’
mfi
ne…Ij
ust
,Imi
ssyousomuch…
ANTONE:Wel l
,i
t’svi
sitdayinafewdays.I
’m so
exci
tedt
oseeyouLet t
y,I
’vebeencl
eanfort
hirt
y
daysnow!Ican’tbel
ieveIdidi
t,t
hankyou…
ME:Hey,
whyareyouthanki
ngme,
it’
sal
lyou!Il
ove
yousomuchTone,ok?
ANTONE:Ok?Whydoest
hatsound…Idon’
tknow,
di
ff
erent
?
ME:Whatdifferent
?Youar
ereadi
ngi
ntot
hingst
hat
don’
texi
st.Talktoyout
omorr
ow.
Ihungupandf oundmysel fact
uall
ycryi
ng.Lyingto
hi
m actuall
yhurt.Ifel
tli
kesuchahorri
bleperson,
butIcoul
dn’tri
skhiml osi
nghischanceofgoing
backtoplayi
ngbal l
.
Wet
alkedever
yni
ghtandevent
ual
lyever
ythi
nggot
backt onormalwithme.Iwenttoseehi m onvi
sit
dayandhel ookedmorer adi
antandlivel
y.He
showedmeal lt
heproj
ectstheyhadbeenwor ki
ng
on.Hehadgr ownapat chofspinachwhi chhewas
responsibl
efortaki
ngcareof,andalsoapetbaby
rabbithehadnamedLet a.
ME:(Ilaughedathi
sabsolut
elackofcreat
ivi
ty)
Let
a,reall
y?Youaresocreat
ivemylove.
ANTONE:(l
aughi
ng)what?It
’sagoodname!AndI
gett
okeepherwhenIleaveher
e.
ME:Peopl
edon’
tkeeppetr
abbi
ts,
Tone.Rabbi
tsar
e
f
ood.
Hel
aughedandt
ookLet
afr
om me,
kissi
ngherhead.
ANTONE:Youst ayawayf rom myLetayoumean
l
ady!Noonei sgoi
ngt oeatyou,ok!Whoeveneats
rabbi
ts….ok,maybeIdo, butnotyoumonpetit
e…
from nowonIdon’ teveneatrabbit
.Thosear
e
Leta’
sr el
ati
ves.
ME:(l
aughi
ng)Youeatsnai
lsyouwei
rdo,
sodon’
t
t
alkaboutr
abbi
t!
ANTONE:(laughi
ng)I
t’
scall
edescargotandi
t’
s
real
lyni
ce,
youunadventur
ousperson.
Ihadgot t
enfi
rstprevi
ewsofmyAl lur
eshowerad
andwehi dinacornertousehisphonetologint
o
myBoudoi raccountandviewit
,asIhadto
surr
endermyphoneandever yt
hingel
setopri
son
securi
ty…ahem,Imean, r
ehabguardswhenIwalked
i
n.
Theadwasni ceandcl assy,i
tshowednot hing
i
nappropr i
ate,j
ustmynudet hi
ghwi thwaterand
l
atherdrippingfrom i
t…thenpannedupwar dswith
myhandcover i
ngmyboobsaswat erandlather
dri
ppedf rom mybodyandf ace,andt henzoomed
tomyf acewi t
hmegi vi
ngasul t
rylookand
sensuall
ymout hing‘all
ure’
.
Hesaidi
twasni ce,
butIknowhewasn’tveryhappy
wit
hthefactt
hatIhadgottennakedi
nfrontof
somemen, pr
ofessi
onalornot
.
Itwassohar dtonottel
lhi
mt hegoodnewsabout
theteam consi
deri
nghimf ornextseason,
butI
didn’
twanttoji
nxit.Sayi
nggoodbyewassohar di
n
theevening,
butitf
eltsogoodt
oseehi
m agai
n
aft
erthreeweeks.
SinceIreal
lydidn’
thavemuchshoot splannedfor
thenextmonth, t
omor r
owIwasheadi ngto
Botswanaandt obehonestIwasnotl ooking
forwardtomeet i
ngwithmyparents, especial
lywit
h
them alr
eadyintheirmoods.Praythatnobody
showst hem myAl l
ureadasithit
st heinterneti
n
twodays.
*
***
***
**
REMEMBERTOLI
KEANDCOMMENT
[
04/
15,
07:
42] :SDLUDLA:14

AsIwalkedoutofthearri
valsecti
onoftheairpor
t,I
sawKagoleaningagainstawall,
hedidn’tseeme.I
ti
ptoedt
ohim andwhenIwasr i
ghtbehindhimI
whisper
edinhisear.
‘
Boo!
’
Hej
umpedst
art
ledandl
aughed.
KAGO:Whati
swr
ongwi
thyou,
youwei
rdo!You
coul
dhavegi
venmeahear
tat
tack!
’
ME:Nah,
yougott
hehear
tofast
all
ion!
KAGO:Comeher e,
badgi
rl,
Imi ssedyousomuch!
Howlonghasitbeen,
Let
ty,don’tdothatagain,
di
sappearonmel i
ket
hat
!(Hehuggedmef orthe
l
ongestti
me)
ME:Wel
l,
Ical
led…
KAGO:Notthesame,Ler
othodi
.Not,
thesame,ok,
l
it
tl
emissy?Iwasthr
eesecondsawayf r
om coming
al
lthewayupther
e.Neveragai
n,ok?
ME:(
laughi
ng)yesdaddy
KAGO:Comeon,l
et’
sgohome.Imi
ssedyouso
muchLett
y.Youl
ookawesome!
ME:Andyouar eacharmer.14hr
sonsweatpant
s
andat-
shir
t,andmyhairlooksaraggedymess,
and
youst
il
lsaynicethi
ngs?
KAGO:You’dlookgoodinasackofpotat
oeswit
h
yourheadcoveredi
natrashbag.St
opbeinga
modelforonceandacceptmycompliments.
Wedr
ovet
ohi
shouseandIpassedoutt
hef
ir
st
nightthere,Iwassotir
edandj etl
egged.Whenhe
camebackf rom workthenextdayI’dmadeusabig
dinnerandaf terweatewesatwat chingmovi
esin
hislaptoplyinginhi
sking-si
zebedbecauseitwas
comf i
erandbi ggert
hant hecouch.
Ismil
edint
hemorni
ngwhenInoti
cedthathehad
cover
edmeupwithathr
owandleftanoteatt
he
si
deofthet
abl
e.
‘
Wenttogym andgetbr eakf
ast
…andprobablynoi
se
cancel
lat
ionheadphonesbecauseyousnore!
’
Il
aughedandpickedupmyphonewi t
hthesi
m car
d
he’
dboughtmeyesterday.Hepi
ckedupandIwas
al
readyl
aughi
ng.
ME:Idonotsnor
e!
Il
aughedi
ntot
hephonet
hemomenthepi
ckedup.
KAGO:Youar
er i
ght,youdon’
tsnor
e,your
oar
!And
t
hatdr
agonbreathe,
notcute…
ME:(l
aughi
ng)Kago!Whatiswrongwit
hyou!
Nobodyevert
aughtyouhowt ot
alkt
oal ady?That
i
swhyyouar esi
ngleyoudolt
.
KAGO:I
’m si
ngl
ebecausethegi
rlIl
ovedoesn’
t
wantme.Look,
Igot
tago.Seeyouinabit
.
HehungupandIsathol
dingont
othephonesadl
y.
Look,I’m notnaïve,ok?I’veknownf oralongt ime
Kagowasi ntome.Fi rstIdidn’twantt obelieveit
becausehowcoul daguyl i
kehi m wantagi rll
ike
me?Ij ustthoughthewasgoi ngt ousemeand
dumpme, whichwoul dhavehur tmor ethan
anythingbecausehei smybestf r
iend.It
’sbetterto
behur tbyaj erkli
keOgonebecauseyoucanj ust
dismissitashi m beinghi mself.Butaguyl ikeKago?
Thatwoul dhavebr okenme.SoIpl ayedindiff
erent
.
Andt henImetmysoul mat e.SonowIr eall
ydi dn’
t
knowwhatt odo.Whatwoul dyousuggest ?
Ifeelbadforhim becauseIknowhowi ti
stohave
unrequit
edf eel
ings,buttherereal
lywasn’tmuchI
coulddof orhim.AndIcoul dn’tstayawayfrom him
ei
ther,l
ikeIsaid, heismybestf ri
endandI ’
mj ustso
happyandcomf ort
ablearoundhim, al
mostlikeIam
aroundTone.
Tal
kingaboutTone,
shi
t.Ipassedoutbef
orecal
li
ng
hi
mlastni
ght,
andIcouldn’
tcal
lhi
m nowbecause
hewoul
dgetcaughtandhisphonet
akenaway.I
hadt
owaitunti
ltheni
ght.
*
***
**
Thateveni
ngKagoandIwat chedmoviesanddrank
beerunti
lar
oundmi dni
ght
,thenIexcusedmysel
fto
bedandcalledTone.
TONE:Hel
lo?Babe?It
hatyou?
ME:Nope…it
’sme,
from TheRi
ng…Sevendaysf
rom
nowyoudie.
Ourf
avour
itemovie.ThatbothToneandIl
ikedso
manysi
milart
hingswascut e.
TONE:Oh,i
sthatso?Wasn’
tther
esupposedt
obea
vi
deofi
rstt
hen?
ME:(l
aughi
ng)t
oobadyoudon’thaveaTV,i
nmat
e.
Howareyou?Imissedyousomuch.Iwas
j
etl
aggedandpassedoutl
astni
ght.
TONE:If
igur
ed.MeandLet
ami
ssedyou.
ME:Let
aandI…youwei
rdo…yousayLet
aandI
,not
‘
meandLeta’
TONE:Hey,I
’
m French,Engli
shisnotmymot her
tongue,
MrsShakespeare.So,howi sever
ything
backhome?Oh,mypar entscal
led.Theysawyour
ad.
ME:Ohshit
…onthel
evelofI
’
m deadtomovet
o
anot
herpl
anet
,howti
ckedaret
hey?
TONE:Pr ett
yt i
cked.Mymot herwillbehavinga
wor dwithyouassoonassheget syourBot swana
number .Itr
iedtoexplai
nthatyoual readyhada
contractandhadnochoi cebutt odoi t.Thr
ewi na
fewl i
tt
lewhiteonesabouthowyour eall
ydidn’t
wantt odoitandal l
,butyoucouldgetsuedi fyou
didn’t
.Calmedherdownsever alnotches.
ME:Mykni
ghtinshi
ningwhi
tepr
isongar
b…Il
ove
yousomuch!
Hel
aughedandwet
alkedsomemor
eabout
r
andom t
hings.
TONE:Youseenyourpar
ent
syet
?
ME:Notyet,i
fyoudon’thearfr
om met onight,
checkther
iverJor
dan,becausethewaytheyI
convi
ncedI’
mt hedevi
l’
ssidechick,
they’
llst
raight
upskipthehol
yoi
landdousemer
ighti
ntot
her
iver
ofconfessi
on.
*
***
***
*
Thenextmor ningIshoweredandt r
iedt odressas
‘
appropri
ate’aspossibl
e.AcuteAnkar amaxi ski
rt
,
athreequartersl
eevebutt
onup, andtiedmyhai r
backint
oaponyt ail
,wit
hveryli
tt
lemakeup.Maybe
i
fIlookedlikeadecentpastor
’sdaught er,
my
parent
swoul dspareme.
Kagodrovemethereanddroppedmeof
fadi
stance
away.Yup,bei
ngdroppedoffbymeni
sasi
nanda
cr
imeinmyf amil
y.
Mypar ent
swereseat
edi
nthever
andaandmyl
i
ttl
e
si
sterTii
sowasservi
ngt
hem t
ea.
Iwal
kedi
nandsatdownasIgr
eet
edt
hem.
ME:Dumel
ang…
Tii
sohuggedmehappi
ly,
butpul
ledbackwhenshe
sawthedisappr
ovi
ngl
ooksfr
om mymot her
.
Shequi
ckl
ydisappear
edint
othehousel
eavi
ngme
wit
hmyparentsastheyi
gnoredme.
ME:Mme,
Icanexpl
ain.
Af
tersomet
imeshef
inal
lyt
alked
MOTHER:Expl ai
nwhat ,Ler
othodi
?Thatyougo
aroundbeingphotogr
aphedi nyourpant
ies?That
youletpeopl
etakevideosofyounaked?
Sot
heyhadseent
hevi
deot
oo.Shi
t.
MOTHER:Mychi ld,i
fyouhavecomehomet oget
saved,wearehappyt ohearit
.Wewi l
lprayf
oryour
deli
verance,we’
veseenmanyyoungl adieswho
wentast r
aydeli
veredfr
om theshackl
esofthedevi
l
thatholdyou.Areyoureadytoleaveyourways?
Ir
oll
edmyeyes.
Nott
hisagai
npl
ease.
ME:Mot her
!It
’sjustacareer!Li
ke,youknow, Ti
i
so
st
udyingnursi
ng.Or efi
lebei
ngat eacher!I
t’
swork!I
am not‘
shackledbyt hedevil
’,
andI’m sureashell
notl
eavingmyj ob.Ili
keit.
MOTHER:Thenl eave.Getoutofmyhomer ightnow
Lerothodi
,Icannothaveachi l
dli
keyou.Itr
ied
everythi
ngwithyouandIj ustcan’
tseem t
or eacht
o
you.Thedevili
sdeeproot
edi
nyou,andIguesswe
wil
ljusthavetopr
ayforyouf
rom af
ar.
ME:Howaboutf orgi
veness?Doesn’
tthegoodbook
sayt
oforgivesevent
ysevent i
mes?Iam sorr
y,
mme…ntate…Iam sosorrythatIembarr
assedyou!
MOTHER:Youf or
giveonewhoi swi l
li
ngtorepent,
Lerot
hodi!Howcanwef orgi
veyouwhenyouar e
notwil
li
ngt ol
eaveyoursinfulways?Youl i
vean
i
ndulgentli
feofdaughtersofSodom, arr
ogantand
unconcernedaboutyoursins.Leavemyhomeand
nevercomeback.
Shestoodupandwalkedof
fint
othehousewi
thout
asecondglanceatme.
ME:Mme…mmepl ease,
youcan’
tmeant
hat
…I’
m
sor
ry…I
’
m sor
ry…
Itri
edtof
oll
owherint
hehouse,
butmyfat
her
stoodupandbl
ockedmeatthedoor
,andf
inal
ly
spoke.
FATHER:Youhaveembarrassedusenough,
Lerot
hodi.Youbr
okebot
hyourmotherandI’
s
heart
s.Youareshamel
essanddon’tcar
eaboutt
he
shameyoubr
ingtothef
ami
ly.I
t’
sal
laboutyou,
I
don’
tknowwhorai
sedyout
obesoselfi
sh…
ME:IjustwanttodowhatIlove,
father,
isi
tso
wrong?Itmakesmehappy…I ’
mfinall
ynotafr
aid,
I
f
oundmysel fandreadytot
akeont heworl
d…I’
m
t
rulyhappy!I
sitwrongformetobehappy?
FATHER:Whydoyounotunder standwhatIam
saying?I tisbecauseyouar eunabl et oacceptmy
message.Youbel ongtoyourf ather,thedevi l
,and
youwantt ocar ryoutyourf ather'
sdesi res.Youar e
theRevel ations17woman, Babyl onthegr eat,
mot herofal lharlotsandoft heear th’s
abomi nations.Yournakedpi cturesar eever ywhere
andmenar elustingaf t
eryourbodyanddoi ng
ungodlyt hingst hinki
ngaboutyourbody.Youar ea
tempt r
essandasuccubusf rom hel l,whoshal lget
herpuni shmenti nduet i
me.Butyouwi llnotdoi t
withmyname.Iam aser vantofGodandi twi l
lbea
colddayi nhellbef or
eIletthegoodnameofmy
Godf earingf atherandhi sfatherbef orehim be
draggeddownt hemudbyacommonwhor e.You
arenol ongermychi l
d,Lerothodi,stopusi ngmy
familyname,anddonotcomenearmyf amil
yagain.
InthisverydayIdisownyou,ast hegoodbooksays
i
nDeut eronomy21t odisownandputt odeath
stubbornandr ebel
li
ouschil
dren!Youaredeadto
me, Lerot
hodi.Nowleavethehousebef oreIcal
lthe
poli
ce!
Heal
sogoti
nsi
det
hehouseandshutt
hedoor
.
Icrumpledtothefl
oorandsattherecryi
ngand
beggingfort
heirf
orgi
venessforthelongestt
ime.
Mysistercameouttohangclothes.
TII
SO:Lett
y…please…j
uststopallt
hisandtheywi
ll
for
giveyou…youknowt heyareveryl
oving.
ME:Lovi
ng?Really,l
ovi
ng,
Tit
i?Theyar
ethe
f
uckingreasonIhavesomuchfucki
ngsel
f-
est
eem
i
ssues!
TI
ISO:Youknowit’
snotli
kethatLet
ty.Iknowthey
ar
everystr
ict
,butt
heyjustwantustober i
ght
eous.
ME:Whycan’ tIbebeaut
ifulandsexyand
ri
ght
eous?Huh?Whyshoul dIbeashamedofmy
bodyandhideit?DoesGodnotlookatyourheart
?I
wastaughttocowerandletGodfightmybatt
les!
Tobeashamedofmybody!Wasi tmyf aultthatat
12Ihadbi ggerhipsandboobst hanagr own
woman?WhywasImadet of
eelashamedoft hat?
Madet ofeell
ikeawhor eforthebodyGodgaveme?
Iwor efuckingtentdressesandIwasst il
ltoldto
coverupandnott emptmen.I’m surpri
sedt hey
didn’tputmei nhijab.Whywasi tat welveyearold’s
faultthatther
ear epervert
soutther el
ookingatme
withlust?Whataboutaccept ance, huh?
Forgiveness?Fucki nghypocr
ites!
Myf
ather
’svoi
cet
hunder
edf
rom i
nsi
de.
FATHER:Ti
iso!Geti
nsi
de,
now!
Shecower edandscr ammedi nt
othehouse.And
l
ookingatmysi st
er,Isawsomuchofmysel fwhil
e
Iwasl i
vingathome.Scar ed,ashamed…t r
yingmy
bestforaf athert
hatIcouldneverbegoodenough
for.Myfatherwasagoodman, hereall
ywas, but
hisobsessionwi t
hrighteousnesshurthi
sfami l
y
andhedi dn’tevenseeit.
*
***
***
*
REMEMBERTOLI
KEANDCOMMENT
[
04/
15,
07:
42] :SDLUDLA15

Ididn’
tevenbot
hercal
li
ngKago,Ij
ustwal
keddown
thestr
eetwit
htear
srunningdownmyeyes.How
couldtheybesocr
uel?
IwishedAntonewashere,healwaysmade
everyt
hingseem al
it
tl
ebitbet
ter.Howcoul
dmy
ownpar ent
sdisownme?
Itookabusbackt oGabor oneandpeoplegaveme
weirdstaresint
hebusast ear
swelleddownmy
eyes,butIdidn’
tevencare.Idon’
tthinkanyone
understandthepainofhavingyourownpar entt
ell
youyouar edeadtothem.
I’
m notatroublechil
d,Ineversmokedandonl y
star
teddrinki
ngwhi l
eincol l
ege.Itookcar eof
myselfandnevert r
oubledmypar entsfor
money…neverdi ddrugsorgoti ntrouble.Igrewup
humbleandr espectful
.Howcoul dt heyjusttossme
outli
kelastnight
’sleft
overs?
WhenIgott
othebusstat
ionItookacabt othe
mal
landhadmeal ar
geicecream sundae.How
coul
dsomeonebepunishedfordoi
ngwhatt
hey
l
ove?Forchoosi
nghappi
ness?WasIwrong?
Event
uall
yItookacabbackt oKago’
shouseand
cri
edmyselftosl
eep.Ihear
dhim comeinlatei
nthe
eveni
ng,andthemomenthesawmehepul ledme
i
ntoatighthug.
ME:(cryi
ng)Hecal
ledmeasuccubusandwhore…a
harl
ot.Kago,
howcouldmyf
athersaysuchvi
le
thi
ngs!
KAGO:(pat
ti
ngmybackcomf
orti
ngly)I
’m sur
eit
wasj
usttheheatoft
hemomentthi
ng,hedidn’
t
meanit
…
ME:Buthedi
d,Kago!Iknowmyf
ather
.He
di
sownedme,saysI’
m deadt
ohi
m.
KAGO:Youknowwhat ?Evenifhedidmeani t,
what
giveshimtherighttojudge?Isthatwhathet eaches
hiscongregat
ion?Iam nomanofGod, butIdon’t
thinkanyri
ghteousGodi sokwi thdi
sowni ngyour
childr
en.Doesn’tChri
sti
anit
yteachforgiveness?
ME:Ij
ustdon’
tknowwhatt
odo…Ican’tl
osemy
par
ent
sliket
hat…Il
ovemyfami
lyKago…stri
ctas
theywer e,Ilovemymot herandf ather
,my
sibl
ings…it’slikeIneverwi n!Iwantedtheworldto
acceptmef ort hepersonIwasr aisedtobe,andI
wasi nvi
sible,nowt hatIblossomedi nthepersonI
am andt hewor ldacceptsme, I
’m shunnedbymy
parents?Howcoul dtheydot hi
s?
Ibr
okedownonhi
sshoul
derandcr
iedunt
ilmy
voi
cewashor
seashewhisper
edwordsoncal
min
myear.
KAGO:look,Let,nomatt
erwhathappens,
youcan
getthr
oughthis.Youarest
rongert
hanthi
sok?I'
l
l
betheret
hroughout.
..
IfellasleeponKago’ sar
msstil
lcr
ying,andi
nthe
mor ningwhenIwokeuphehadcover edmewitha
throwandbr oughtmeallofmyfavourit
ecomfort
food.I twassoni cetohavehi
m ar
ound, hemade
mef eelali
tt
lebetter
.
IntheafternoonIdecidedtogoseeGaona,even
thoughIhadmessagedhersayi ngIwashomeand
didn’
tgetanyr epl
yfrom her,Iwasst
il
lbei
ngthe
biggerperson.Iwait
edf orheratwor
krecept
ion,
andshej
ustpassedbyme.
ME:Gaona?
GAONA:What
?Ler
othodi
,whatdoyouwant
?Can’
t
yout
akeahi
nt?
ME:Ok,Ihaveal
readyapol
ogisedaboutSouth
Afr
ica,
itwasalongti
meago,andt her
ereal
lyis
not
hingIcandotochangeit
,whatisyourproblem?
GAONA:Ohwow, nowshehasamouth!Youare
typical
,Let
ty!Youmakeastepupandyouforgetal
l
thepeoplewhower ewit
hyouwhenyouwer edown
below.
ME:What
?Ifyouhavesomet
hingt
osay,
Gaona,
sayi
t!
GAONA:Sur e,fi
ne,youwentofwi t
hMrhunk
AntoneinSouthAf r
ica,butt
henhowl ongdidi
ttake
foryoutocallusafteryougottoFrance?Months
Lett
y!Months!Isthatwhatfri
endsdo?Huh?Onl y
haveti
mef ortheirf
riendswhentheyare‘f
ree’
ME:Youar
eact
ingchi
ldi
sh,
Gaona!
GAONA:Oh,
chi
ldi
sh!Doyouknowwhatyouupand
l
eavingjustlikethatdidtoKago?Howhewas
worri
edt hatnightinSouthAfri
ca,evenwant edto
gotot hepolice,onl
ytofindoutyouwer efroli
cking
outtherewi t
hyournewcr owd.Andthenmont h
aft
ermont hwi thoutevenacalltohim.Hewas
devastated!Thatmanl ovesyouandI ’
mt i
redofyou
tr
eatinghimt hewayyoudo?
ME:Idon’
ttr
eathi
m anyway!
GAONA:Youusehi m, Lerothodi!Yourlit
tl
e
emotionalanchorslashchauf fer,
slashwhatever
thefuckyouneed.Youst ri
nghi m alongwhil
eyou
knowver ywellt
hatyouwon’ tgivehim achance.
KagoandIhavebeenf r
iendsforal ongt i
me,l
ong
beforeyou,andIknowmyf ri
endi shurti
ngbywhat
youdot ohim.I’
m sorry,butIhavenor oom f
or
enti
tl
edpeoplelikeyoui nmyl ife,Lett
y.
Shewalkedoff angr
il
yandIwaslef
tstandi
ng
ther
espeechl
ess.Howcouldshebeli
kethat
?
Whateverdi
dIdot ot
hatgi
rlf
orhert
obesor ude?
OGONE:I
fiti
sn’
tMsI
nter
nat
ionalmodel
!
Il
ookedovert
oseeOgonewal
kingbehi
ndme.
OGONE:Fi
nal
lycamebackt
ousl
it
tl
epeopl
e?
ME:WhatdoyouwantOgone,youwere
compensat
edyouf
orwhateveryouspentonme!
OGONE:Andyout hi
nkt hatt
hatmakesadiff
erence?
Thatyourboyfr
iendthrewsomemoneyandt hreat
s
mywayandever yt
hingisallf
ine?Youusedme,
Let
ty!Inevert
houghtofyouassuchanoppor t
unist.
ME:(laughing)usedyou?Usedyou, youpieceof
shit
?Yout ookadvantageofme, t
reatedmel ike
crapandyouwantt otal
kaboutbeingused?I fIdi
d
useyou, heythen,howdoyoulike‘em apples?Nxla!
Iwassosickofpeopl
eofeveryonebeingangry
wit
hme.Likeforr
ealt
hough?Whatt hefuck?Can’tI
j
ustbemeandt heworldletmegoonabouti t?Why
doIneedt
obowt owhatpeoplethinkIshoul
dbe
doi
ng?Iwassodonewi thdanci
ngt opeopl
e’stunes.
Youdon’
tli
kehowIdancet omyt une?Fuckoff.
*
***
***
*
Atni
ghtIfi
nall
ycal
l
edAnt
oneandhewassohappy
t
ohearfrom me.
ANTONE:Howdi
ditgowi
tht
hepar
ent
s?
ME:Dramati
c,theyquotedmeever
yver
seinthe
Bi
bleandcall
edmeal lnamesyoucant
hink
of
….whore,
harlot….
succubus…
ANTONE:I
’
m sosor
rybabe,
Iwi
shIwast
her
ewi
th
you…
ME:That
’snotevent
heworstofi
t…theydisowned
me.Li
ter
all
ytol
dmet ost
opusingtheirl
astname.
ANTONE:What
!Howcoul
dtheydot
hat
?
ME:Beat smet oo,butyouknowwhat ,it
sgood
ri
ddanceanyway.Mypar entswher ethedebili
tati
ng
factorinmyl i
fe.Foral ongt imetheymademe
beli
evet hatbei ngconf i
denti nyourselfand
beli
evinginyour selfwaswr ong.ThatIshouldn’t
standupf ormysel f
.Foral ongtimenow, my
parentswer ethef actorhol dingmeback, andtobe
honestIki ndaf eel r
elieved.Idon’thavet omake
everymoveofmyl i
fet hinki
ngofwhatt heywillsay.
Ididn’tabandont hem, theychoset othrowmeaway
l
ikedirtydishwat er ,I
’mj ustembr acingthesituati
on
andr i
dingi tsolo…
ANTONE:Youar
enotr
idi
ngsol
o…yougotme…
ME:RightnowIjustfeelaloneTone…asmuchas
I
’mreadytowalkaway, Ifeelsoemptywi
thoutmy
f
amily.Idon’
tevenhaveal astname.
ANTONE:Youcoul
dhavemi
ne…
ME:Huh?
ANTONE:I ’
vebeenthinki
ng,andIwasgoingtodo
thi
swhenIgotoutofr ehab…inamuchmor eproper
sett
ing,but
…marryme, Let
ty…youcomplet
eme…you
areallI
’
vebeenlookingforallmyli
fe,
andIjust
can’
timagineadayofmyl i
fewit
houtyou?
ME:What
?Ar
eyou…ser
ious?
ANTONE:AsI
’
lleverbe…
ME:Tone,
it’
sbesi
xmont
hsonl
y!
ANTONE:Myparent
smetandtheywer
emarri
eda
monthl
ater
.Beenmarr
iedf
oral
most40year
snow.
Il
oveyouLett
y…
ME:AndIl
oveyout
oo,
wit
hal
lmyhear
t…
ANTONE:Thenmar
ryme,
please…I
’
m notper
fect
Letty,butyoumakemebet t
er!Youmakemeso
happy, andIam surewecangot hrougheveryt
hing
togetherandjustover
come.WhenI ’
m wi
thyouI
feelli
keeveryt
hingisj
ustri
ghtwiththeworld!
ME:Met
oo…ar
eyousur
e,Tone?
ANTONE:Absolut
ely.Ler
othodiEl
li
as,
wil
lyoudo
methehonourofbeingmywi fe?
ME:Yes…ohmyGod,yes!Ican’
tbel
ievej
ustafew
minut
esagoIwassosadnowIf eelli
keI
’m goi
ngto
expl
odewit
hhappi
ness!Isocan’
twaitsoseeyou!
ANTONE:Can’twaitt
oseeyoutoo,
soontobeMrs
Cr
os.Star
tplanni
ngtheweddi
ngbecauseI’
m
maki
ngyoumywi f
eassoonasIgetoutofher
e!I
l
oveyou,MrsCros.
ME:LoveyoutooMrCros,ohmyGod,Iam so
exci
tedTone,
howam Ievengoi
ngtosleep?
ANTONE:Sl eepforwhat ?Icanbarelycont
ain
myselfher
et oo,I’
m soexcitedLet
ty,Ican’
tbel
ieve
youaregoingt obemywi f
esoon.AndIswearI ’l
l
giveyouapr operproposalwithaniceri
ngwhenI
getout!
ME:Idon’
tevencar
eaboutt
hat
,thi
sist
hebestday
ofmyli
fe!
West ayedandchatt
edallnightlong,makingso
manypl ans,
tal
kingki
ds.Everything.Lor
d,how
fatescantur
n!Justafewhour sagoIf el
tlostand
alone.Nownothingonearthcouldn’tbri
ngme
down.
*
***
***
*
Int
hemorni
ngwhenIfinall
ywokeupmyeyeswer
e
puf
fyf
rom l
ackofsl
eep,butIdi
dn’
tcar
e.
KAGO:morningyou…coul
dn’
tgetanysl
eep?I
’
m so
sor
ryaboutyourpar
entsLet
ty…
ME:Mypar ent
s?Oh, That
!OhmyGod, Kago,I
’m
getti
ngmarri
ed!Toneaskedmet omarr
yhiml ast
night!Wow!I
’m get
ti
ngmar r
ied,
canyoubeli
eve
that.
KAGO:Yea,wel
l,
aft
erhear
ingitt
hefi
rstseveral
hundr
edti
mes,Ihavenochoicebutt
obelieveit
.
ME:Al
ri
ght
,par
typooper
!Youar
edef
ini
tel
ygoi
ngt
o
comet
omywedding,ri
ght?
KAGO:Ar
eyousur
ethi
sst
her
ightt
hingLet
ty?
ME:I’
m posit
ive.Toneisever
ythi
ngIeverwantedi
n
aman….hefulfil
smei nwaysIneverevenknewI
neededful
fi
lment .
KAGO:Ok…
ME:Ok,
Kago,
whycan’
tyoubehappyf
orme?
KAGO:Let t
y,howdoyouexpectmet obehappy
whent hewomanIl ovejusttoldmeshei sgetti
ng
marriedtoanotherman?Idi dn’twantt opushyou, I
want edyoutolovemet hewayIdi dyou, foryouto
real
izeforyoursel
fthisbeaut if
ulthingwehave
betweenus.Andyoucan’ ttellmeyouar enaï ve
enought onothaver eal
izedt hatsinceImetyou,
I’
vebeencr azyaboutyou, andI ’
llalwaysbe!And
don’tyoudarelieandsayyoudon’ tfeelanything
formet ooLerothodibecauseIknowyoudo.
Heleanedinal i
tt
lecloser
,ourf
oreheadst
ouchi
ng
ashecradledmyf aceinhishands.Myheartwas
raci
ngsohar d…hisverymasculi
nesandal
wood
smellf
loodingmyever ysense.
Hepaused,
hisi
ntensegr
eyeyesst
ari
ngi
ntomi
ne
l
ikehewasseei ngr i
ghtthroughmysoul …andhe
probablywas, thiswast hemanwhohadseenme
atmyabsol ut
ebestandwor st
…whohadpul ledme
outofadar kwor l
dofsel f
-hateandheldmyhandas
Idiscoveredmysel f …whost oodformewhenIdi dn’
t
knowhowt ostandupf ormysel f
.Iswall
owedand
heldmybr eat
hashej ustlookedatmef orseveral
seconds.Hi seyessear chedmi neandhel eaned
i
ntome, hisli
psdr awingnear ,
myl i
psparti
ngt o
receivethem asIl ookedi ntohiseyeswith
confusion.WhatwasIdoi ng?Hest oppedi nches
away, hi
seyesdr i
ftingdownt omyl i
psast hough
hewassavour ingt hemoment .
KAGO:Thisi
sfucki
ngt
ortureLett
y…tortur
e!Ican’t
pr
etendanymore…I
’dr
atherhaveyour ej
ectmet hat
hi
dewhatIhavebeenf
eelingforyear
sanyl onger…
Hisl
ipscrushedintomineagain.Notinnocent
ly,
l
ikeateasebuthot,fi
ery,
passionat
eand
demanding.IwantedtopullawaybeforeIlose
myselfbutIcoul
dn’tseem t
o…
KAGO:Ler
othodi
Hewhi sperssl
owly,pr
olongi
ngeachl
etterasift
o
savourthem.Hishandsclampedatei
thersideof
myf acewhereshaki
ngjustasmuchasIwas…
KAGO:Ilovesomuch,
Ler
othodi
…pl
easegi
vemea
chance…
Thedesperationi
nhi svoi
cewr ungatmyheartas
hisli
psexploredmine.Hisinsi
stentmouthwas
parti
ngmyt rembli
ngl i
ps,
sendingwildt
remors
alongmyspi ne,i
nfl
ict
ingsensati
onsIhadnoright
feeli
ngf
rom anotherman…
*
***
***
**
REMEMBERTOLI
KEANDCOMMENT
[
04/
15,
07:
42] :SDLUDLA:16

Whatt
hehel
lwasIdoi
ng?
Ipushedhi
m awayandwal
kedof
ftot
hebedr
oom.
Look,Kagohasbeenaroundallt
histi
me, andIam
notgoingt
olieandsayIdon’
tfeelanythi
ngforhim,
becauseIdo.ButdeepdownIknowwher emyhear t
bel
ongs.IknowwithoutadoubtthatAntoneloves
met
hewayIl
ovehi
m.
Besides,al
lIknowi st
hegoodaboutKago.Woul dI
everforgi
veKagoi fhehaddonewhatTonedi dto
mewhenwef i
rstmet?Idon’
tknow…pr obabl
ynot.I
couldneverforgi
veanymanf orthatbutIfor
gave
Tone.
Kagoknockedont
hedoor
.
KAGO:Let
ty,
canwet
alk?
ME:Thatwasver yself
ishKago,
Itel
lyouI
’
m
engagedandwhatdoyoudo?Makeamoveonme?
Somuchf orbestfr
iends.
Iguesstheguil
tthatwaseati
ngmeupf orki
ssi
ng
anothermanwasj ustl
ooki
ngforsomeoneto
manifestouti
nto.
KAGO:I
’
m sor
ry…It
hought
…
ME:Thoughtwhat ,
Kago?Doyouhonest l
ythi
nkI
wasunawar eofhowyouf el
tal
ltheseyear
s?Why
doyouthinkIdidnothi
ngaboutit
?Everoccurr
edto
youthatIdi
dn’tf
eelthesamewayandj ustdi
dn’t
wanttohurtyou?
Ok,thatwasal i
e,butIhadtodisusehimf r
om t
he
i
deaofuseverbei ngtogetherbecauseitwasnever
happening.Probabl
yifther
ewasn’ taToneinmy
l
ife,
I’dbewithKagobecauseIdi dlovethemantoo,
j
ustnott hewayIloveTone.
KAGO:Thati
sal
ieLet
ty,
Iknowyouhavef
eel
ings
formet
oo.
ME:(si
ghing)Kago,pl
easedon’
tdothis…don’
tgi
ve
your
sel
fhopeoverawomanwhowi l
lneverbe
your
s.Itwil
lonl
ystopyoufrom movi
ngon.
*
***
***

Ipackedmysui tcaseandcheckedi ntoahotelf

or
thenight,becauset het ensi
onwasj usttoomuchin
thehousef ormet ost ay.KagosaidIdidn’
thaveto
l
eave, butIcouldn’tlookathi sheart
brokenface
withoutwant i
ngt obr eakintotear
s.
ThatnightIchangedmyfl
ightback,
andthenext
dayIheadedbackt oFr
ance.Therer
eal
lywasn’t
anyt
hingleftformeher
e.
Mydayswer espentwi t
hmi norshoots,workouts,
andsomesoci alevent
s,andbeforeIknewi t,i
twas
thelastdayofAntoneatrehab.Theyhadal i
tt
le
graduati
ondinnerandIpackedhim ani cesuitand
dresseduptoo,thencheckedthereservati
onsIhad
madeatLeCi nq.
Af
terdi
nnerwesatathomer
elaxi
ng.
ANTONE:Lerot
hodiar
eyouok?Somet
hingi
s
bot
her
ingyou…
ME:(smil
ingwistf
ull
y)youknowmesowel l
…(tear
s
st
artedwell
ingdownmyeyes)Iki ssedanot
herman,
Tone…orhekissedmeandIl ethi
m…
Hewasqui
teforsuchal
ongt i
meandIcoul
dsee
t
hedi
sappoi
ntmentinhi
sface.
ANTONE:Di
dyousl
eepwi
thhi
m?
ME:No!Iwoul
dnever
.Hehasbeenafri
endfora
l
ongti
meandhasalwaysbeenther
eforme.I
’ve
al
waysknownhehadfeel
ingsf
orme.
ANTONE:Doyoul
ovehi
m?
Thesadnessi
nhi
svoi
cewasbr
eaki
ngmyhear
t.
ME:No!I
t’
sonl
yyou…youar
etheonl
ymanIl
ove…
ANTONE:Thenwhydi
dyouki
sshi
m?
ME:Idon’tknow,butwhatIknowf
orsureismy
hear
tbelongstoyou.Il
oveyouAntone,
please.Iam
sosorr
y…
ANTONE:Iloveyoutoo…andIforgi
veyou.Istr
ict
ly
bel
ievei
nmonogamyandf ai
thf
ulness.Thati
show
Iwasrai
sed.Ineverwantt
ohurtyou, pl
easedon’
t
hur
tme.
ME:Icoul
dneverhur
tyoubecauseyourpai
n
br
eaksmyheart.
ANTONE:Iam veryjeal
ousLet
ty,
pleasedon’tki
ss
anyothermenagain.Thet
houghtofanotherman’s
handsonyoumakesmewannacommi tmurder.
Myhear
tskippedabeatthi
nkingofj
ustwhathe
woul
ddoifhef oundoutMarci
anotr
iedt
orapeme.
Hecoul
dneverf i
ndout.
Weweresitt
ingonthebed,andhetookmyhands
i
ntohi
s,andwej ustsatt
her
elooki
ngint
oeach
ot
her’
seyes.Ourbodiesweresocl
oseIcoul
d
l
iteral
lyfeeltheheatfrom his.Heslowlyl
eanedhi
s
headf orwar dandrestedhisforeheadonmine,
mai nt
ainingeyecont actthewholetime.Hi
sgaze
wassoi ntenseandhe’ doccasional
lygl
ancedown
tolookatmyl ips.
Hegent l
yli
ftedmychinwi t
htheti
pofhi sfi
nger
untilmyf acewasuplif
tedtowardshis.Hecaressed
myf acegentlywi
thhimfingerandmout hed‘j
e
t'
aime’ ,
taki
nghistime,hi
sf i
nger
slazil
ytraci
ngthe
planesofmyf aceashelookedinmyeyes.
ANTONE:Ihaveneverf eltloveforawomanbef ore
you,butIknowi tf
rom seei ngitbet
weenmy
parents…andIlongedfort hat…someti
mesIusedt o
l
ayi nbedatnightandt hink‘Doessheevenexistfor
me’ AndthenIsawyoui nt hatchangi
ngroom i
n
SouthAf r
ica…youwerel aughingaboutsomething…
sobeaut i
ful
,sogenuine.Iwat chedyoulaughandI
fel
linlove…
ME:(
smi
li
ng)youar
egoi
ngt
omakemecr
y.
Andt
henhegotdowni
noneknee.
ANTONE:Iwant
edt
odot
hisatsomef
ancypl
ace
thatwoul
dblowyourmi ndaway,butIfeelt
his
momenti smostsuit
ed.Ihavealr
eadyaskedyou,
butnowIdoi tpr
operl
y.Lerot
hodiEl
li
as,wil
lyoudo
met hehonourofbei
ngmywi f
e?
Hehel
doutthemostbeauti
fulvi
ntagewhi t
egol
d
r
ingwi
thabeauti
fulbl
ackopalandhel ookedupat
mewit
h…feari
nhiseyes.Li
keIwoul deversayno.
Inoddedandsaidyesatt
hesametime.Icr
ied
tearsofabsol
utej
oyashesl
ippedt
heringi
ntomy
finger
.
ANTONE:( smiling)i
tbel ongedt omyl at egr
eat
grandmot her.Shewasmor eofabi gwoman, soa
mont hbeforeIwentt orehabIsecr etl
ymeasur ed
yourringfingerwhenyouwer esleepingandhadi t
reducedt ofi
t.Shegavei ttomewhenIwas9, aft
er
herhusbanddi ed,andsai d,‘monbébé, oneday
whenyouar eol der,
youar egoingtomeetagi rlwho
willmakeyourwor ldspinandal somadei tcalm
andset tl
e.She’llmakeyourhear tfeelathome.
Thengi veherthi sri
ng.Onl ygiveitt othatonegirl
.
Giveittothewr onggirlandyouar escr ewed.’
ME:(l
aughi
ngsof
tl
y)yourgr
eat
-gr
andmot
hersai
d
scr
ewed?
ANTONE:Youshoul
dheartheothert
hingsshe
usedt
osay.(
Hecamet osi
tdownonthebedwith
me)Youaret
hatgir
lforme,Let
ty…
Helickedhisli
psandbi thisl
owerlipinashynot
arr
ogantmanner ,ver
yAnt one…andt henhi
sfi
nger
wasbackatmychi n,t
ippingitup,
maki ngmy
heartbeatqui
ckens.
Hedi ppedhisheadasi ftokissme,thenclosedhis
eyesandver ysubt
lyandsof t
lybr
ushhi sl
ips
acrossmi ne,notquit
ekissingmeyet.Ashi sli
ps
brushedacr osstomycheek, hepausedandsof tl
y
i
nhaledmyscent ,whisper
ingalmostinaudibl
y‘You
smell heavenly’
Thenheslowlycamebackt omylips,
justbarel
y
touchi
ngthem ashegazedi nt
omyeyes...
hiski
ss
wassosof tandgentl
e,sl
ow…deepandsensual,hi
s
tongueexplor
ingandcall
ingoutt
omypassi on.
*
***
***
*
Thenextfewweeksweresohappyforme.His
motherwasgoi
ngcrazyplanni
ngfort
hewedding,
shewassoexcit
edtoseeheryoungestchi
ldget
marri
ed.
Icall
edmysi st
erandt ol
dherIwasget t
ingmar r
ied.
Shewassohappyf orme, butdecl
inedmyof f
erto
buyherat i
ckettocomet otheweddi ng.Iknewshe
wantedtocomebutdi dn’twanttooffendmy
parents,
andIunderstood.
Kagosai
dhecoul
dn’
tmakei
t,event
houghIhadn’
t
event
oldhi
mthedat
eyet
.Okthen.
Iwenttodot hemeasur ementfort
heAl lure
perf
umead, andyouknowi ft
hereisanyt hi
ngthat
couldruinmymoodanyday, it
’saFr enchberet
wearingshortmancalledJohnLuc.AsIwas
measur edandproddedandphot ographed,hesat
shakinghishead.
JOHNLUC:Lett
y,Lett
y,Let
ty!Mygi
rl
…youknowyou
ar
emyfavouri
te,r
ight
?
ME:But
?
JOHNLUC:Wehavet
ogetr
idoft
heext
rapounds
youpackedinthepastthr
eemonthshoney…t
hisi
s
notgood.Youarehotgoodsr
ightnow,wewantto
keeppeoplei
nterest
ed,
andyougaini
ngweighti
s
notgoi
ngtodot hat!
ME:ButIhavebeenwor ki
ngouteverydayand
eatinghealt
hy!IswearIat
eicecream onlyoncei
n
threemonths,andIfoll
owedthestri
ctdiett
he
dieti
cianputmeon!
JOHNLUC:Youhavet odobet ter
,moncher e.Being
amodelmeansgoi ngt heext
rami l
ef orperfecti
on,
andyouknowsomet i
meswehavet obeal it
tle
extremet ogettheper f
ectbody.Al it
tl
ebirdietold
meExpedi aisthi
nkingofusingyouandTonef ora
travelad…doyouknowhowbi gthatis?It’
syour
transit
ionfrom bei
ngj ustanothersexymodel …ti
me
toshowt hatyoucanf iti
ntoanythi
nganddoany
roleyouar erequir
edt odo…thi
swi llhel
ppr olong
yourcar eer…butnotifyoukeeppacki ngont he
pounds, bébé.
*
***
***
*
Idr ovetomeetToneatar estaur anti nthemost
sourofmoods!Whatt hehel liswr ongwi thmybody?
Ithadst artedcooper ati
ngandt hepoundswer e
mel ti
ngaway, andnowI ’
m gai ningwei ghtagain?I’
d
havet ocutmyal readylimi t
edpor ti
oninhal f
withoutt el
lingTone’ sdieticianbecausehewoul d
neveral l
owi t.Ihadi nsi
stedonal owcal ori
emeal
plan, andaf teral otofwhiningf rom me, wecamet o
acompr omi se, butIwast ost rictlykeept oi
t,
not hi
ngl ess, thoughIhadr oom f oral i
tt
lemor e.
He’ dneveragr eet omeeat ingl esst hanwhatIwas
alreadyhavi ng.
ANTONE:Mr
sCr
os,
whati
sbot
her
ingyou?
ME:Doyout
hinkI
’
vegai
nedwei
ght
?
ANTONE:Whet
heryoudi
dornot
,Idon’
treal
lycar
e.
ME:ButhaveI
?
ANTONE:Whydoyouask?
ME:JohnLucsaysI
’
mfat
…
ANTONE:JohnLucisamor
onanddickthen.Do
youwantmetopunchhi
m?Youareperf
ectlyfi
ne
babe…besides,hei suglyanyway,so,
there!And
thathorr
ibl
eber et?OhGod!Someonepl easedrag
thepieceofshitintothi
scentur
y!Forafashion
guru,hecan’tdressforshit
!
Hecrackedmor
ejokesandmademel augh.He
al
wayshasawayofmaki ngever
ythi
ngbett
er.
ANTONE:Byt heway…Ihavegreatnews!Ihave
beencal
ledbacktoNBAandt heyareoffer
ingt
he
sweet
estdealever
!
ME:Real
ly?Noway,
ohmyGod!Ican’
twai
ttogo
seeyouplay!
Andguesswhoj usthadtowal
kint
ot her
estaur
ant
whenwewer ecelebr
ati
ngTone’
sreturnt
othe
cour
ts.Mar
ciano!
Ihadn’tevennoti
cesthatIwasscowl i
ngathi
m and
sai
doutl oudl
y‘sonofabi tch!’
Ididn’
tmeanto,my
emotionshavebeenal loverlatel
y.Ihadr
eall
y
wantedt ohi
dethisfr
om Tone…
ANTONE:Whatdi dthebast
arddotoyou?Let
ty!
Don’tyoudareli
etome,Ihavehear
dhegetsrough
wit
hmodel s…andIknowhewaswi t
hAllur
ebythe
t
imeyoushott
hatcommer
cial
!Let
tyspeakdamni
t,
whatdi
dhedo?
Andthentear
swer
ewel
li
ngdownmyeyes
uncont
rol
labl
y.
ME:He…hetri
edt orapedme, Tone…hewalkedint
o
mychangingroom andhadhi sfi
lthyhandsover
me…Ihadjustfini
shedtheshoot,soIonlyhada
t
owelon,herippeditoffand…and…hewant ed
t
o…thankGodCeci l
ewal kedi
nandst oppedhim…
Ihadn’tevenf
ini
shedtal
kingandhewasuponhi
s
feetandhalfj
oggi
ngtowar dsMar
ciano.
Marcianowasnotasmal l
man, butnextt
oTone,
evenfrom adi
stanceasTonewakedt owardshim,
thepoorguylookedli
keanantagainstapanther
.
*
***
***
*

REMEMBERTOLI
KEANDCOMMENT
[
04/
15,
07:
42] :SDLUDLA17
ME:Tone…Ant
onepl
easest
op,
I…I
…
AndthenIwasfeel
ingsomeexcr uci
ati
ngpai
nin
mylowerabdomenasIdoubl edoveronthet
abl
e.
Hehitau-
turnwit
hthequicknessandwasbymy
si
de.
ANTONE:Babe…babeareyouok?Cansomebody
pl
easecal
lanambulance,
sheisinpai
n…
Wait
resseswerefussingallovermeasmuchas
Tonewas.Inafewmi nut
esanambul ancearr
ived
andIpassedoutont hewayt othehospi
tal
.
Iwokeupinbedwit
hTonebymysi
de,
hol
dingmy
handandkissi
ngi
t.
ANTONE:Yougavemeascar
ether
e,youngl
ady!
TheDrWal
kedi
nandsmi
ledatus.
DR:Ah, youar eawake, MsEll
ias.SoIgotthetest
result
s.It’
sabeni gnfi
broidonthesideofyour
uterus,butit
’sabsolutel
yonnotharmf ul
,youand
thebabyar eont heclear…
ME:Thewhat
?
DR:Fi
broi
d…i
t…
ANTONE:No,doct
or,
didyousayshe…shei
s
pr
egnant
?Reall
y?
DR:(smil
ingathi m)Yes,MrCr
os,yourgi
rl
fr
iendi
s
14weekspr egnant,youmeantotel
lmeyouguys
werenotawar e?Ah, t
henweneedtogetheron
pr
enatalcarealready.Wecanschedul
ean
ul
tr
asoundsoyoucanseet hebaby…
ANTONE:Forr eal
?Wear ehavi ngababy!Wow!You
arenotpranki
ngmer ight,Doc?I ’
m goingtobea
father
?Yoh,Lett
y,wear ehavingababy!Damn, I
’
ve
neverbeenthi
sexcit
edaboutanyt hinginmyl i
fe!
Whencanwedot hescanst hedoct or,Iknowthere
i
spi ct
uresyoupri
ntoutandgi vetopeople,canIget
that?Iwannaputiti
nmywal let!
Thedoct
orl
aughedathi
sent
husi
asm.
DR:Yes,MrCr
os,Iwi
llmakesuretothenurse
prepar
espr
int
out
sandavi deooftheul
trasoundf
or
you.Now,l
etmegoarrangefort
heultr
asound.
AsTonepacedaboutbesi
dehimselfwi
thj
oy,Iwas
j
ustlyi
ngt
hereashen.Iwaswhat?Imean?How…ok,
Iknowhow,butcomeon,notr
ightnow!
I’
veal
wayshadf ibr
oidsprobl
emsandcoul dgof
or
twotothreemonthswithoutmyperi
od,soIhadjust
assumedi twasbusi
nessasusual.14fucki
ng
weeks!Justaweekover3mont hspregnant!
*
***
***

Iwasdischargedfrom t
hehospi t
alt
henextday
aft
ergoingthroughseveralt
housandchecksand
scansandt hedoctorcl
earedthatIwasfi
ne.Antone
couldn’
tstopstari
ngatthescanvideo.I
’
dbarely
evenlooked.
ANTONE:Youar
enotpl
eased,
MrsCr
os…
ME:Mycar eeri
speaki ng…Ihavethreehugel
inger
ie
dealsandaYvesSai ntLaurentrunwayshow…andI
havetot r
aveltoMozambi quetodoavideoshoot
foranotherbrand.Ican’tbepregnant!
ANTONE:ButLet
ty,
wear
ehavi
ngababy!
ME:Wel
l,
Idon’
twantt ohaveababy!Iwantt
ot ake
mycar
eertoi
tshighestpeakandt
hereisnoplace
f
orababyint
here!I’
m goingt
ogetfat
,andyou
knowhowhar diti
sformetolosewei
ght…the
Expedi
adeal,al
lgone…Idon’
twannagetfat,
Tone…Ican’
t…
Icrumbledt
othef
loorandsatdowncr
ying.Tone
cameoverandsathuggingmeandIcr
iedonhi s
shoulder
.
ANTONE:I
’
m sor
ry…I
’
m sosor
rybabe,
Ijust
…I…
ME:I
t’
snotfai
r!Justwhent
hingsar
epi
cki
ngupf
or
meandthi
shappens!
Youknowwhat ,IknowIwasbei ngself
ishand
rui
ningitf
orTonebutr i
ghtnow,butIdi
dn’tcar
e.
Haveyoueverwor kedhardforsomethi
ngallyour
l
ifeandjustwhenyouf i
nall
yhaveitattheti
pof
yourfi
ngersitgetssnatchedaway?Doyouknow
howmucht hathurts?
Ihadf inal
lyreachedawei ghtIwascomf or
table
with.Iwi l
lneverbeaskinnygirlandI’mfi
newi t
h
that,butIwasf inall
yasexy,beauti
fulpl
ussizegir
l,
andi twasal lgoingtobegoneinaf ewmont hs!
*
***
***
*
Thenextfewdayswer esodiff
icul
tforme,andI
real
lydi
dpi t
yTone, t
hepoorguyhadt owal kon
eggshel
lsaroundmebecausel i
ter
all
yeverythi
ng
madmeer upt.Don’
tgetmewr ong,IwantTone’s
baby,Iwantseveralofthose,
justnotri
ghtnow.
Hel i
teral
lywentoutofhiswaycateri
ngforme,
breakfastinbed,
freshfl
owers,t
akingmetomy
favourit
eplaces,
anditjustwasn’
tworki
ng.
ANTONE:Mont resor…Iknowt hi
sisnotidealfor
youri
ghtnow, andIunder standyourreact
ion,but
thebabyiscomi ngandwehavet heresponsibil
it
yif
l
ovingit
.Youar ewor ri
edaboutgainingweight,soI
hir
edaper sonaltr
ainerwithexpert
iseinworkouts
anddietf
orpr egnantwomen…
ME:Youdid?OhmyGod, babe,
youar
ethebest!At
l
eastIwon’
tlookl
ikeanoct
omamawhale.Thank
you…t
hankyou!
Fi
nal
lysomet
hingt
oper
kmeupal
it
tl
e.
ANTONE:Ipersonal
lywoul
dprefert
hatyouspend
t
hist
imeresti
ngandenjoyi
ngpregnancyli
kei
tis
supposedtobe,butyouarestubbor
nmyl ove,
and
I’
m af
raidi
fIdon’tmonit
orit
,youwon’teatwel
l.
ME:Ievent
uall
yhavetot
ellJohnLuc…heis
pr
obablygoi
ngtokil
lmeortakemycontractaway…
ANTONE:That
’snothowcont
ract
swor k,
andi t
’s
i
ll
egalt
omargi
nali
seawomanf orbei
ngpr egnant
…
ME:Inanoffi
ce,
yes,Tone.ButIam amodel
,the
l
ookofmybodyi smyt r
ade,andahugebell
yisnot
par
tofthedealr
ightnow.
ANTONE:Doyouwantmet
ocomewi
thyouandt
ell
hi
m?
ME:(smil
ingwit
htear
sinmyeyes)Thanks,
butI
t
hinkIhavetohandl
ethegar
goyl
eonmyown.
*
***
***

Iwal
kedi
ntoJohnLuc’sof
fi
ceandfoundhi
m
l
ooki
ngatcl
othswatcheswit
hthedesi
gner
s.
JOHNLUC:Myf
avour
it
egi
rl
,howar
eyouf
eel
ing?
ME:Fi
ne…bet
ter
…Iuhm,
weneedt
otal
k….
JOHNLUC:Yesbebe,
whatmayIdof
oryou?
ME:I
…I’
m sosor
ryJohnLuc…Iknowyoubel
ievedi
n
meand…I…I
’
m pregnant
.
JOHNLUC:Let
ty,
Let
ty.Let
ty!Howcoul
dyou?
ME:I’m sorr
y…Ijust
…Iwoul
dneverdothi
s
del
iberatel
ybecauseIl
ovemyjob,buti
tjust
happened.
Hesighedandsatqui
tef
orsometi
meand
event
uall
yIst
art
edsobbi
ng.Iwasgoi
ngt
olosei
t
all
!
JOHNLUC:Ae,moncher e.Pr
egnancyandchildr
en
ar
esuchabeauti
fult
hing!Theyareablessi
ng,my
l
it
tl
eGasson,
heismyl if
e…don’tcr
y,i
tiswell
.
ME:But
…
JOHNLUC:Yes, yes,
wearegoingtolosesome
deals,andIam nothappyaboutt
hat.Probablyall
thelingeri
eadsandtheschedul
edrunwayshows.
You’llmissMil
anFashionweek.ButIthi
nkwecan
salvageExpediaIwecangetthem t
oshootf aster
.
Howf aral
ongareyou?
ME:3mont
hs…
JOHNLUC:Ohmy!That ’
squitegone…you’llstart
showingi nsoon.ButmaybeExpedi acanshoot
beforethen.Orslightl
ychanget hei
rcampai gn.
Theyadi saboutyoungl oveafterall
.Andwhat ’
s
mor ebeauti
fulthanyoungpr egnancyinlove?I fyou
hurryyourweddi ngtheycouldsponsoryour
honeymoonandt hentheadwilldoapr egnancy
reveal
.
ME:Real
ly?
JOHNLUC:Gi rl
,doyouknowhowmanypr egnancy
andbabypr oductsar eoutt here?Youwon’ tbein
highfashf orawhi le,butther eisstil
llotsofwor k
foryou.Andi nt
erracialbabiesar eat hing!Your
babywi thAnt oneCr os?I t
’sgoi ngtobeaknockout ,
youar ebot hverygoodl ooking.LetitbeknownI ’
m
call
ingfirstdibsont helittl
et hi
ng.I’m signi
nghim
orherupf orafiveyearcont ractthemomentt hey
popout ,childmodel l
ingi slucrati
vet oo.Soo,cheer
up,chere, l
etmet alkt oyoui nt woweeksaf t
erI
sett
ledever ythi
ng.Fornowkeept hisunderwr aps
andf i
nishyourcur r
entcampai gns.
*
***
***
**

Ifeltmuchbetterleavi
ngJohnLuc’soffice.I
woul dn’
thavetolosemycar eeraft
erall,butIwas
sti
llnothappyaboutt hei
nevit
ableweightgain.Why
couldn’tt
hisbabyhavewai t
ed,Arggg!
ImetCeci
leatarest
aur
antaf
ewdaysaf
ter
,andwe
satandj
usttal
ked.
CECILE:Soapparent
lyTonetur
neddownNBAat
thelastmoment.Theyarest
il
laft
erhi
mthough.He
saidmaybenextseason.
ME:What
?Why?
CECILE:Hasnotgivenar eason,butwhenJohnLuc
tol
dmeaboutyourpr egnancy…wel l
,hedoesn’
t
wanttoleaveyou,
Let ty.Personall
ythi
nkit
’snoble.I
wentthroughmyfirstpr egnancyallal
onebecause
myhusbandwasi nt heUSpl ayi
ng.
Idr
ovehomesosadthateveni
ng,
andthemomentI
wal
kedinTonewasasupbeatasusual
.
ANTONE:Ther
eismybeaut
if
ulwi
fe!Andmypet
it
bel
le…(hesaidkneel
ingdowntoki
ssmybellyand
‘
tal
k’tothebaby.I
twassocutewheneverhedi
dit.
)
ME:Yout
urneddownNBA
ANTONE:Cecil
e,huh?Herhusbandi
ssuchasni
tch.
Iwasj
ustgoingtotel
lyoutheydi
dn’
tcal
l.
ME:Why,
Tone,
thi
sisyourdr
eam.
ANTONE:Dr eamschange…met akingNBAmeans
movingt oUSper manentl
y,aseasonis6mont hs,
thenthererestoftheti
meistrai
ning…yourcareeris
basedher eandyouhavedoner eallywellf
or
yoursel
f.Ican’taskyoutomovet otheUSwi thme,
butIwillal
sonotst ay6monthsawayf rom youand
mybaby…Ican’ t…
Icouldseet hesadnessinhiseyesathavingt ogi
ve
uphisdr eam,andi tbr
okemyhear ttoothi
nkingofit
,
becauseIknewj usthowpassionat
ehewasabout
basketball
.Buthewasr i
ght,mycareerwasrooted
i
nFr anceandIwasmaki ngqui
teanamef ormysel f
.
Iwassoconf l
icted.Whatwouldyoudo?Gi veup
yourdream tof oll
owyourloveandsupporthimi n
chasinghis,orlethim gi
veuphisdream tostayand
suppor
tyour
s?
*
***
***
**
REMEMBERTOLI
KEANDCOMMENT
[
04/
15,
07:
42] :SDLUDLA:18

Wemovedt hedat
eofourweddingalit
tl
ecloser
becauseIwasn’tt
ryi
ngtolookli
keawhaleinmy
weddingdress.Whenthedaycame,Iwasso
exci
tedyetsad.Canyouimaginenothavi
ngyour
motherwit
hyouonyourweddi ngday?
I’
dthoughtt heywoul dcomearound,butt
hey
si
mpl yrefusedt oevenhearathi
ngfrom me,I
call
ed,texted,sentthemessagethr
oughmysi st
er.
Nothing!
Itwasli
keIneverevenexistedt
othem.Ti
isot
old
them Iwaspregnantandapparent
lymymother
said‘
so?’Shedidn’
tevengiveadamn.
Iwipedast
rayt
earast
hehai
rst
yli
stmessed
ar
oundwithmyhair
.
BELLA:Hey,
nocr
yingonyourweddi
ngday,
ok!
ME:It
’sjustsosadt hatmypar
ent
swoulddothi
sto
me,Bell
.Notevent osendamessageandwishme
wel
l?Ifeelsoalone.
BELLA:Hey, l
ookar oundyou!Youar enotalone,ok?
Youhaveme.Youmot herinl awador esyou,my
motherlovesyoul i
keherownandshei saboutto
walkinher eandscr eam ast orm atmef orlett
ing
youcry.YouhaveCeci le,Jan, eventhatoldfart
JohnLucl ikesyou.Ofcour set her
eisMrCr os
himself,
thatmani scrazyaboutyou.Andmyl itt
le
pri
ncessi nhere( r
ubbingmyst omach)youhave
moref amilythanmostpeopl ecaneverwi shfor.
Familyisnotbl ood,isthosepeopl ewhol oveand
acceptusf orwhowear e.
ME:ThanksBel
l,
whendi
dyoubecomesowi
se?
BELLA:I’
m aboutt
obecomeagodmot her
!Isocan’
t
waitt
odipheringli
tt
erandputheri
nalit
tl
epink
tut
u!Gosh,sheisgoi
ngtobethemostspoil
edbaby
onearth!
ME:(l
aughi
ng)wi
thyouar
ound?Iser
iousl
ybel
ieve
shewil
lbe.
*
***
***
**
Ourweddingwasabsol utelybreat
htaking.I
twas
heldatTone’sparents’vineyar dandtheplace
l
ookedabsol ut
elygor geous.Thear eafacedthe
breat
h-t
akingsunset .Att heendofeachseat ed
ai
sle,j
asminescent edcandl eshungfrom naked
tr
eebranches.Onei thersi deoftheaisle,
familyand
fr
iendssatinwhitechai rs.
Fi
nall
y,thepastorcameoutandaskedever yt
o
st
and.Itwasmyt ur
n!Al
leyeswouldsoonbeonme.
Myhear tbeatsofat
swit
hant i
cipat
ion.Pl
easeGod,
l
etthi
sgowel l
.
Theflowergirllinedthepat hwi t
hwhi ter osepetals
asthemusi cst arted.Ionlytookt wost epsout
beforeIwasgr eet edbyJohnLuc.Theol dhag
l
ookedhandsomei nhistuxedo, buthest il
linsi
sted
onhisberet.Iwasbegi nningtot hinkitwas
att
achedtohi sheadorsomet hing.Doesheever
eventakeitoff?Hepr oudlytookmyhandand
walkedmedownt heaisl
e, whisperinginmyear ,
‘
youar eok,cher e,thi
sisyourmoment , j
ustanother
runway,ok?’Likeheknewj usthowscar edIwas.
Het ookmyhandandwal kedmedownt heaisl
e.
Theguest slookedatme, taki
ngpict
uresofmy
dress,wavingatme, smili
ng-onethi
ngwasf orsure,
though…noonemadeasound.UpaheadIsawhi m,
Antone.Myhusband, t
hel oveofmylif
e,my
everythi
ng.Hest oodtal
lerthanever
yonei nthe
room, hi
sshoul der
sbackandhi seyesonme.I fI
wasn’tmistakenIcouldhaveswor ntearsfil
ledhi
s
eyes.
Unli
kehim,mynervouski
ckedinten-
fol
d.The
att
enti
onfel
tli
ketoomuchf ormetohandl
e.Good
thi
ngIonlyhadtenmorestepstogo.
Attheendoft heai
sleJohnLuchuggedme, sai
d“ I
‘
m pr oudofyou”andthenpresent
edmet omy
groom.JohnLucpl acedmyhandi nTone’
sand
smiled.Asacouple,ToneandIstoodinfr
ontofthe
pastor.
Thepastordi
dhi
ssermont
hingaboutmar
ri
ageand
ever
ythi
ng,andt
henwebot
hsaidourvows.
ME:Ant
oneCr
os,youar
eeveryt
hingI’
vebeen
l
ooki
ngfor
.Ki
nd,
gentl
e,sweet
,lovi
ng,goof
y.Iused
tobeaf r
aidoffall
inginlove;ofgivi
ngmyheart
away.Howcoul dIevertrustamant oloveme?
Howcoul dIloveamanandwi shhe’dlovemeback
thewayIneededhi mt o?ButwhenImetyou, I
realizedthati
t’spossibletomeetamanIcoul d
trust;amanwhocoul dl ovemet hewayIwantedto
bel oved.You’verenewedmyper cepti
oninl
if
e.
Today, Ijoi
nthatlifewithyou,for
ever.
ANTONE:IAnt oneCr os,t
akeyouasyouar e.Ilove
youforwhoyouar enowandwhoyouwi llbecome.
IpromisethatIwi l
l l
ist
entoyou,nomat t
erwhati tis
thatyouwantmet ohear .Iwil
lpromisetol earn
from yousowecangr owoldtogether.Ipromi set o
supportyouallthet i
meandIwi l
lacceptyour
support.Iwil
lbewi thyoucelebrati
ngyourt ri
umphs.
Whenyoumour n,Iwi l
lmournwithyouast hough
yoursufferi
ngswer emyown.Iwi llal
waysl oveyou
andhavef ait
hi nyou.Throughallouryear s.Andal l
thatl
ifemaybr ingus.
Weexchangedourr i
ngsandkissedanddanced
j
ovial
l
ywi thfami
lyandfr
iends.I
twassucha
beaut
ifulweddi
ng,andIj
ustcouldn’
twai
ttospend
t
her
estofmyl
if
ewi
thhi
m.
*
***
***
***
Wewentof ftoahoneymooni nBor aBoraandeven
thoughmostoft hetimeswewer esurr
oundedby
Expediacamer as, i
twasabl ast.Wespenttheday
travel
ingaroundandsi ngi
ngBonJoviatt hetopof
ourlungs,steal
ingki sses,
andbei ngj
ustgoofywit
h
eachot her
.Wedi dn’
tevenhavet oact,ToneandI
arejustacut ecouplel i
kethat
.
Wecamebackf
rom t
het
ri
ptwoweeksl
ater
posi
ti
vel
ygl
owi
ng.
Ournextpr
ojectwasmaki
ngt
henur
ser
yfort
he
baby.
ANTONE:ButLett
y,whydoessheneedtobein
anot
herroom sof
araway?Idon’
tli
kei
t.Iwantmy
babyint
hesamer oom wi
thme.
ME:(l
aughi
ng)Babi
esneedthei
rownroomsAnt
one,
i
fwegetherusedtosl
eepingwit
husit
’sgoi
ngt
o
besohardtomovehertoherownroom…
ANTONE:Yea,
but
…
ME:Nobut s,hel
pmemovet hatcotoverthere.I
t
wasfrom suommo, t
heysentawholelotofthings
andwanttocomet akepi
cturesaf
tert
henur seryis
done.
ANTONE:Argg,
thispeopl
ewit
hthei
rfreest
uff
,it
al
waysmeanstheyneedtocomeinvadeourli
ves
af
tert
heysendit
.
ME:St opwhini
ng,mostpeoplewoul
dgive
everythi
ngtohavefr
eedesigner
sstuff
,youknow.
I’
m amodel ,
it’
smylif
e.Youunderst
andthatasa
playeronthespot
li
ght.
ANTONE:Iknow, I
’mj ustsaying.Wehadcamer as
al
loverourhoneymoon.Ij ustwant edt
imewit
hmy
wi
fe.Nowwecan’ tevenenj oyprivatemoment
sl i
ke
makingourbaby’nurserywithoutcameras?
Il
aughedandki
ssedhi
m ont
hecheek
ME:youarej ustbeingawhineybaby.Wealsogota
pram f
rom Stokke,andsomepeoplearegoingto
comephotogr aphheraft
ersheisborn.JohnLuc
organi
sedit.
Hesi
ghedandwentoutt
othel
ivi
ngr
oom.Icoul
d
tel
lhewasn’
thappy,
butwhat
’sther
etonotbe
happyabout
,wewereget
ti
ngreall
yexpensi
vefr
ee
stuf
f.
Ok,Igetit,Antoneisapr i
vateperson,evenathis
hei
ghtofhi scareerhet ri
edhisbesttokeephislif
e
outofthespot li
ght.Butmyl i
feisassuch.SinceI
won’tbedoi ngrunwayandhi ghf ashforawhile,
I
neededtodocommer cialmodelli
nganddealswer e
pouri
ngi n.Brandspaymet ouset hei
rproduct
sand
shareitonmysoci almedia.Theycomet oshoot
ads.Allthat.Duri
ngsomemont hswehadcamer as
i
nt hehouseal ldayeverydayf orweeksnonstop.
Iwasusedt oit
,bei
ngtol
dt omovethiswayand
thatway,camerasf
lashi
nginmyf aceallday,but
sometimesIfel
tpit
yforToneasheconst antl
y
sighedthr
oughcommandsf orustogetcloser,
kiss…f
orhimtoholdmet hatwayandthisway.
Buti
t’
showmyl
if
eis,
whatcanIdo?
Whenthecamerasfrom apr
egnancysuppl
ement
companyfi
nal
lylef
t,hecameovertomeasItook
offmymakeup.
ANTONE:Let t
y,I’
m notcomplai
ningoranythi
ng,i
t’
s
j
ust…maybeweshoul dsl
owdownont he
cameras…justhaveaquietr
estofthepregnancy
andstuff
?
ME:Buti
t’
smyj
ob,
Tone!
ANTONE:Butyouar eexhaust
edLetty,eventhe
doctorsaidyoushouldrest
,bei
ngont het hi
rd
tri
mest ernow.Twomor emonthsplease.Andyou
arenoteat i
ngwellandspendallt
oomucht i
mein
thetreadmill
.
ME:Li
keIsaid,
it’
smyj ob.Imaybeplussi
zeand
pr
egnant
,butIsti
llhavetolookgoodot
her
wiseI
l
osedeal
s.
ANTONE:( sighi
ng)Canyouputourbabyf i
rstf
or
once!AllIheardisaboutitbei
ngyourjob!How
aboutyoubei ngamot hernow?It
’syourjobtoo,we
haveababyont heway!
ME:Ineverevenwant
edt
hisbabyanyway!
Iscr
eamed,tearswel
li
ngdownmyeyes.Whywas
hemadatmef ordoi
ngmyjob?Icoul
dn’
tgoback
tobei
ngfat
,Irefuset
o.Ihaddoubl
edmyexerci
se
andatelesssinceIgotpregnant,andsecretl
ytook
asuppressantpil
lthatst
oppedmypr egnancy
hor
monef r
om encouragi
ngal otofweightgain.
ANTONE:Howcoul
dyouevensayt
hat
?
ME:( cryi
ng)youhaveneverbeenf atTone,you
don’tunderstandt hepai noftryi
ngeverythi
ngto
l
osewei ghtandnot hingwor ks.Offeel
ingli
kean
outsiderandhavi ngpeopl estareatyoubecause
youar ebig.Ihatedt hat.Ihatedbei
ngt hatper
son
andI ’
m notgoingback…
ANTONE:Thati sbull
shit
!Youareput ti
ngourbaby
atriskandIwon’ thaveit
.Thewor koutsst opsnow,
wewi l
lgof orajogeveryeveninginstead.Youwi ll
eatyourf ullport
ionsoffood,andIf l
usheddown
thet oiletyourstupidpil
lsyouthoughtIdi dn’tsee
yout ake!Ican’ tbeli
eveyouwoul dbesodumbLet ty,
Garci niacambogi ai
snotsuitabl
ef orpregnancy,I
justr eadi tonl
ine!
I’
dneverseenhi
m sopissed.Hewasevenshaki
ng,
andIcouldseethevei
nsatthesi
deofhishead
thr
obbing.I
’
dalwaysheardofAnt
one’
stemper,but
t
odayIwaswi
tnessi
ngi
tfi
rst
-hand.
ME:Don’
tyel
latme.
ANTONE:Thendon’ tdodumbt hings!Iswearifyou
hurtmybabyLet t
y…Iswear!Isi
tbecauseyoudon’ t
wantherasyousai d?Huh,areyoutryingtokil
lmy
babywithoutlookingli
kethemur deritwouldbe?
Howcoul dyout akethatpi
llwit
houtreadingofits
dangersatleast?Howl onghaveyoubeent aki
ngit
even?
ME:(
cryi
ng)howcanyousayt
hatt
ome?
ANTONE:Don’tfucki
ngcr
yLett
y…youdon’tgett
o
cry,
thatwaspret
tydumbofyoutoputourbabyin
dangerli
ket
hat…
Hewassomadhewenttosl
eepinthel
ivi
ngr
oom
andwhenIcamet
ohi
m hegotoutsi
deandsl
epti
n
thecar
.
*
***
***
*
I
nthemorningIwokeuptoanassor
tmentofal
lmy
f
avouri
tef
oodonthetabl
e,mymouthwateredj
ust
l
ooki
ngatthem.
ANTONE:Let ty,
I’
m sorry.Ihadnorightshowingmy
angeratyoul ikethat
.(Hesai dhandingmemy
favourit
elil
iesandkissi
ngme)I t
’sj
ustthat…Igetso
worried.Idon’twantanythingtohappentoyouor
thebaby.
ME:( sniff
ling)It
’sok…I’
mt heonewhoshoul dbe
sorr
y.Youar eri
ght,Iwasdumbandsel f
ish.AllI
wast hinkingofi smybodyandhowIdon’ twantto
getfat,forgetti
ngthereissomeonedependingon
met okeept hisbodyhealt
hy.I’
m sor
ryIsaidIdon’t
wanther .Iwasj ustangry,Il
oveourli
tt
legir
lvery
much.
ANTONE:I
t’
sok, Iknowyoudidn’tmeanit
.Noweat
up,
montresor
,thenlet
’sgoforthesonogram.
Forthefi
rstti
mei nalongt imeIactual
lyatetomy
heart
’sdesir
e,notthatIdidn’tnot
iceTonesit
ti
ng
ther
ewat chi
ngmecar ef
ullytomakesur eIeat.
Hedr oveustothecli
nicandwejokedandgoofed
aroundont heway,backtothenor
malus,andas
usualTonewasexci t
edtoseethebabyagain.
Todayt heycoul
dfi
nallyshowusthe4Dimaging,
whi
chmeantwecouldseethebaby’
sact
ual
f
eat
ures,
herl
it
tl
enose,l
ips,
eyes…
EvenIwasexci
tedaboutt
hat
.
Il
aiddownont hetabl
eandthedoctorappli
edthat
coldgelandstart
edmovingthethingaroundmy
stomach.Theimagi ngwasshowingthepict
ure,but
Icouldn’
theartheusualt
hump…thump…t hump…
Thedoct
orlookedatt
hescr
eenagai
nandf
rowned,
adj
ust
ingsomethingi
nthemachi
ne.
DR:Whendi
dyoul
astf
eel
thebabymove?
Heaskedst
il
lwi
thaf
rownonhi
sface.
ANTONE:(
pani
cked)I
sther
eapr
obl
em doct
or?
DR:Whendi
dyoul
astf
eel
hermove?
ME:Thi
smor
ning…i
sther
eanyt
hingwr
ongdoct
or?
ANTONE:Pl
ease,
Dr,
ismybabyf
ine?Whati
s
wrong?
*
***
***
**
REMEMBERTOLI
KEANDCOMMENT
[
04/
15,
07:
43] :SDLUDLA:19

Ilef
tthehospi t
alaf ewdayslater,andIwas
surpri
sedatjusthowempt yIfeltdespi t
ethef act
thatIneverreall
ywant edthebaby.Icoul dn’thelp
thetearsthatwelleddownmyf ace, butmor ethan
anythi
ng,themosthear t
-br
eakingt hingwast he
l
ookonTone’ sface.Hehadl ostallcolourinhi s
faceandhadnotsai dawor dtoanyoneatal lsince
thedoctortoldust her
ewasnohear tbeat.
Itr
iedtogivehim spacethenextfewdays,
butIjust
couldn’
tseehi m hur
tinganyl
ongerwit
houttr
yingto
dosomet hing.Hehadnotgot t
enoutofbedfor
thr
eedays, ref
usedt oeat,
ref
usedtoanswerhis
phoneoranyt hing.
Ifel
talit
tl
egui l
tybecauseIwasupandf uncti
oni
ng.
ThenextdayIhadgonet ogym andthendropped
bythestudiotocheckonmyappoi ntments.Where
hewast otall
ybr oken,Iwassomewhatst il
l
funct
ional
, notthatIdidn’thur
tfrom l
osi
ngmybaby.
Iguesswegr i
evedi f
ferentl
y.
Iwal
kedinintheeveningandhewasst i
lli
nbed.He
hadnotevenlookedathisphone,
tab,
laptop,
not
hing.Hejustl
aidt
here.
Isatbesi
dehi
m andhet
urnedawayf
rom me,
faci
ngthewal
l.
ME:I
’
m sor
ry…
Not
hing
ME:Iwasstupidtotakethosepil
ls,
andIknowi
t’
s
t
otal
lymyfaultthatwelostthebaby.
Not
hing
ME:Pleasefi
ndi
tinyourhear
ttof
orgi
veme.At
one
pl
easetalkt
ome…
ANTONE:Whatist
alki
nggoi
ngtoaccompl
ish,
Let
ty,
i
sitgoi
ngtobr
ingbackmychil
d?
ME:Tone,
I’
m sor
ry,pl
ease…(
Tear
sst
art
edwel
li
ng
downmyeyesagain)
ANTONE:Pl
easedon’
tcr
y…i
tmakesmesad…
ME:Iki
ll
edourbaby,Tone,
whatkindofpersonam I
?
Iwasn’
tevenbot
heredbythebaby’sheal
th,i
twas
al
laboutme.If
eltsodet
ached…
ANTONE:Youdi
dn’
tknow…i
t’
sok.
Itt
oreatmyhear
tthathecouldn’
tevenstandto
l
ookatme,buthewasstillt
ryi
ngtobecivil
.I
wishedsomuchIcouldtakethepai
nawayf rom
him.
ME:Doyouwantt
opr
ay?
ANTONE:Why?YourGoddi
dn’
tpr
otectmybabyso
whyshoul
dIprayt
ohim?
ME:Tone….
ANTONE:What
?It
’st
rue.
ME:Doyouhat
emer
ightnow?
ANTONE:Icoul dneverhat eyou…butIam angry.
Lett
y.Iam sof uckingl i
vid,
butIpromisedmyself
nevertoshowmyangert oyou.It
’sprobablymy
faul
ttoo…ifIdidn’tyellatyoutheotherdaymaybe
wewoul dn’thavel ostthebaby.Ireadsomewher e
thatstr
essinpr egnancycancausepr oblems.I
shouldn’
thaveyel led.
ME:Pl
easedon’
tdot
hat
…thi
swasnoteven
remotel
yyourfaul
t,ok?Notyourf ault,probabl
y
minemor et
hananyt hi
ng,
sopl ease, getupand
showerandeat.Ial
readyfeelguilt
yasi tis,
and
seei
ngyoulikethi
s,Tone,i
t’
sbr eakingmeapar t
.
ANTONE:I
’
m sor
ry.
..Ij
ust…IneedspaceLett
y,l
et
memournmychil
dplease,becauseobvi
ousl
yyou
ar
enothur
ti
ngaboutherdeaththewayIam.
Thatstungsohard.Part
lybecauseitwastr
ue.I
wassadwel ostthebaby,butIhadbeenfeel
ing
det
achedt ot
hispregnancyforthel
ongestti
me,soI
wasn’tashur
tingashewas.
If
eltsobad,
whatki
ndofwomanam I
?
*
***
***
***
Iwatchedmyr elati
onshipdeteri
oratedaily,Antone
di
dn’tcheat,di
dn’tyel
l.Hedid…not hing.Forweeks
i
tjustwenton.Iwoul dgooutanddomyshoot s
andcomebackandhewoul djustbet her
e,doing
nothi
ng.Hisparentshadcomet ovisitandl ef
t,and
hewasst i
llnotanybet t
er.Iwasoutofsor t
son
whattodo.Iknewhewashur ti
ng,andIhadnoway
ofhelpi
nghim.
Ihadneverbeensof rustr
atedinmyl i
fe,myonl
y
solacewast hatDoubl
eDut chMochai cecr
eam,
andi twasn’tthatIwasnotawar eofthepounds
packingi nagain.Ist
il
lhadnotlostthebabyweight
,
event houghIwasbackatgym.Mydi etwas
defeatingme.Foodmademehappy.I twas
currentlytheonlysourceofhappinessinmyli
fe.
Iarr
ivedf
rom di
nnerwit
hBell
aandJan,st
uff
edto
themax,wehadhadI t
ali
anandIl
oveIt
ali
anfood.
Look,al
mostallmodel
sdoit,
sodon’tj
udgemeok,
I’
veseengirl
sli
nedupatt
hetoilet
simmedi
atel
y
aft
erlunch,
andnowIunderstoodwhy.
Icouldn’
tbelieveIwasaboutt odot hi
sasIknel t
downont hesof tmatandputmyf ingerdownmy
throatasfarasi tcouldgo,unti
lIfeltmygag
refl
exeskickinandever ysingl
ebitoffoodcame
rushingoutthet oil
etbowl.Iheavedonf orcloseto
fi
vemi nutesunt i
lmyst omachf el
tempt y,then
brushedmyt eethandspr ayedsomeai rfreshener
i
ntot heroom, thentookashowerandj oinedTone
i
nbed.Imi ssedhim somuch.Mi ssedhisl i
vel
iness.
ANTONE:SoIhaveaccept
edt
heNBAcont
ract
ME:Aww,
that
’sgoodTone,
I’
m soexci
tedf
oryou.
ANTONE:Il
eavet
omor
row…
ME:Sosoon?It
houghtt
heseasondi
dn’
tst
artf
or
anot
herf
ourmonths?
ANTONE:Wel
l,
wegot
tapr
act
ise.
Andt
hatwasal
lhesai
d.
Thenextmorni
nghejusttookt
hebagsdownst
air
s
andpeekedi
ntothebedr
oom.
ANTONE:I
’
mleavi
ng
ME:Aww, babe,whydidn’
tyouwakemeupsoIcan
takeyout
ot heair
por
t.Givemefi
veminut
est
opull
onsomethingandwecango.
ANTONE:Nah,
Ical
ledacab.Seeyou,
Iguess…
Andhewasi
nthecabandi
tjustdr
oveawayl
ike
t
hat.
Istoodinthepor
chwavingunti
lhewasoutofsight
,
eventhoughhedidn’
tevengi
vemeagl anceback.I
crumpleduptothefl
oorandcri
edsomuchmy
voi
cewashor
se.Whycoul
dhej
ustopenupt
ome?
*
***
***
**
Hedi dnotevengi vemehi snewphonenumberor
address, canyoubel ieveit?WeekswentonandI
didn’tevenknowwher emyhusbandwas, andIwas
tooashamedt oaskhi sparent sforhiscont actsor
addressbecausei twoul dmeanadmi tti
ngwehad
problems, butIknewhewasokbecausehe
updat edhisInstagr am regul arlyandheseemedt o
behavi ngabl astofat ime.Cr edittohimt hough,
therewasneverphot osofhi m wi thwomen, orany
reportedscandal sofhi m caughtwi t
hsomel oose
hooker .Buthewasr egularlyhavi ngfunwi thhis
team mat es,partyingupast orm, andphot osf r
om
trai
ning.Hewasact ual l
ysmi l
ingandl aughing.I
hadn'tseenhi m smi l
esi ncewel ostthebaby.
I
’
dlikeandcommentinsomeofhisphotos,i
nhope
t
hathewouldacknowl
edgeme,but…not
hing.
Themor edepr
essedIbecame,
themoreIat e,
hencethemoreIhadtopurget
oavoi
dgai ning
weight
.Attherat
eIwasgoing,
Iwasskipping
br
eakfastandmademysel
fthr
owupever
yti
me
af
terIatesomet
hing.
Ihadashooti nDomme, Dor dogne.I twaslovel
y
andwentwel l
,JohnLucwassopl easewithus,
and
byeveni ngwewentbackt ot hehot el
.Itwasanice
placesur r
oundedbygr eener y,
andIdeci dedtogo
outforawal kont helonggr avelroadast hesmall
hotelgym wasf ul
lwithal lthemodelf rom my
campai gn,andIwasn’ tupf ormuchcompany
anyway.Wehadbeent oldthet ownwasqui t
esafe.
Andt herewerelocalsjogginganyway.
Iranf oraboutthreekil
omet r
eswhenIstarted
feel
ingdi zzy.Ihadnoteatenanythi
ngleavefort
wo
tablespoonofgl ucosethi
smor ni
ng,becauseI
didn’twantt obloatupmyt ummybef or
etheshoot.
NowIwasf eelingal
ldizzy,t
woki l
ometresaway
fr
om myhot el…andthereweren’tmanypeople
behindmenow.It wistedmyf ootinanastyfal
land
crumbledt
ot hegroundlikeasackofpot at
oes.
Ther
ewasnoonebehindmeanymor
e,noonet
o
hel
p.Nocel
lphoner
ecept
ion.
Il
aidther
egroani
nginpai
nunti
lIhear
dfootst
eps.
ThankyouJesus,pl
easel
ett
hem beaniceperson.
Iwasalreadylosingconseuosenessandt helast
thi
ngIsawwasi ntensegreyeyesandgol den
dreadl
ockshoveringabovemyf aceshouting
somethingIcouldn’thearbef
oreitwaslightsout
forme.
*
***
***
**
REMEMBERTOLI
KEANDCOMMENT
[
04/
15,
07:
43] :SDLUDLA:20
Iwokeupi nahospi
talbedwit
hanIVconnect
edto
myar m,andKago’
sintensegr
eyeyesst
ari
ngatme,
smil
ing.
ME:Kago…what
…whatar
eyoudoi
ngher
e?
KAGO:Youf
aint
ednearLeGr
andeCer
de…
ME:Imeani
nFr
ance…I
…
KAGO:Youdoremembermyfat
herisf
rom France
ri
ght?Hei
sfr
om her
einDor
dogne.Iwasout
runni
ngwi
thmybrot
herMasonwhenwef oundyou.
ME:Oh,
yea…
KAGO:Yup, It
hi nkyouguyswer
eshooti
ngatmy
fat
her’
splacetoday?Iwasoutwi t
hmybr ot
her
, he
i
sgetti
ngmar riedandneededhel
pchoosingatux.
Themadamet oldmesomemodel l
ingcompanyhad
askedtoshootatt hevi
ll
a.
ME:That’
syourfat
her’
splace?Vil
leLeDuc?Dude!
Whatthefuckar
eyoudoi ngworki
ngforstupi
dass
Ogonethen?Yousurethat’
syourdaddy’
splace?
KAGO:(
laughi
ng)what
’smyl
astname,
dummy?
ME:KagoAxelMot hibi
…so, wai
t,youhavetol
dme
youhavetwolastnamesandcanusebot h.Mothi
bi
andLeDuc.Ohmy!I tisyourfat
her’
shouse!It
’s
breat
htaki
ng!
KAGO:Whatthefuckareyoudoi
ngLett
y,t
hedoct
or
sai
dyouwereseverel
yundernut
ri
ti
on.
ME:(
laughi
ng)Me?Under
nut
ri
ti
on?Thi
sfat
?
KAGO:Don’tbesmugwithme,rememberI
modell
edtooali
fet
imeago?Iknowwhatgoeson
Let
ty,
aren’
tyoueat
ing?
ME:Askmyfri
endBella,
Ieatli
keacow…maybet
he
doct
ori
swrong,butIdoeat.
KAGO:Ifyousayso.Sowhathappenedl
astni
ght
?
Whydidyoufaint
?
ME:Ok,ok,
Idi
dn’
teatthatmorni
ng.Butonl
ythat
morni
ngandI’
l
lneverdoitagai
n.
*
***
***
*
Iwasreleasef r
om thehospit
althateveni
ngand
Kago’
sbr othercamet ogetus.Hewasal ight
er
ski
nnedspi tt
ingimageofKago, onl
ythatKagowas
mixedraceandhewasf ullFr
ench.
KAGO:Let
ty,
Mason,
Mason,
Let
ty.
Het
ookmyhandandki
ssedi
tchar
mingl
y.
MASON:Oh, themythicLet
tywhost ol
emy
brother’
sheartonfi
rstsi
ght!Wehaveheardso
muchofyou, butwewer eallst
arti
ngtowonderif
your eal
lyexi
stedbecausethi
scuoyonherenever
broughtyoutovisi
t,mamanwi llbehappyt
ofinal
ly
meetyou.
Theydr
ovemet
othehot
elwher
eJohnLucwas
panickedtot hemaxi mum.Iexpl ai
nedwhat
happened, andst i
llhisol
dhear twasn’
tputatrest,
heinsistedwegot oanot herhospi
talt
ocheck, butI
gavehi mthenumbert oKago’sfamil
ydoctor,and
hewassat i
sfiedbecauset heguywasappar entlya
well
-knowndoct or,andifhewasadoct ortothe
Leducf amilythenhewasok.
Intheeveni
ngKagocamet ot
hehotelagai
nandwe
wentforarun,
thensatatt
hetopofasmallhi
llj
ust
chatt
ing.
KAGO:So,
howi
smar
ri
edl
if
e?
ME:Tobehonest
,notsogood…
Andt henIstart
edt
ell
inghisaboutthepregnancy,
theloss,andTone’
sbehaviour.Iwassotir
edof
beingstrongandacti
ngli
keIwasf ine,
Ijustl
etital
l
outandcr i
edonhisshoulderashehuggedme
ti
ghtlyandkissedmyhead.
KAGO:Ithi
nkyouneedsomet i
meoff,
Letty.Stayi
n
i
nDordogneforawhile,
getsomef
reshairandsort
yourt
hingsoutbef
oreyoucangobacktoPar i
s.
Hewasr
ight
,andIdi
dn’
thaveanyshoot
spl
anned
f
orthenextf
ewweeks,soIagreedt
ostayf
orabit
l
ongerwhentheot
hermodelsandJohnLuclef
t.
*
***
***
**
Dordognewasveryniceandquai
nt,
andaswe
drovetoVil
leLeDuc,
Iwasabitscar
ed,
ofwhatI
don’tknow.
Wemett heMadameoutsi
de,
andshewasa
beaut
if
ulelder
lyFr
enchwomanwhoembracedme
i
nawar m hug.
MADAMELEDUC:OhAxel ,Iwasbeginni
ngtothi
nk
shedoesnotexi
st!Gi
rl
,youaresolucky,t
hisboyi
s
madlyi
nlovewit
hyou.
Iblushedthi
nki
ngofwhatshewoul dsayi
fshe
foundoutIwasmar ried.Obvi
ousl
ytheLeducs
weren’tbi
gonsocialmedi aandsuchtoo,
because
theywouldhavenoticedmebynow.
OrsoIt
hought
.
Imetthethr
eeotherbr
other
stwi
ns;Xavi
erand
Xander,
andSaber.
MADAMELEDUC:Wher
eisGi
sel
le?Gi
sel
le!Come
meetAxel
’
sLet
ty!
Shecame,t
ookonelookatmeandsaidacur
t‘hi
’
bef
oreshewentbacki
ntothehouse.
MADAMELEDUC:( laughi
ng)don’tmi ndher,sheis
theonlygir
landver yprotect
iveofherbrothers,she
wil
lli
keyoui nduetime.Padr eLeducwi l
lbeback
l
ateri
nt heevening.Oh,thisi
ssoni ce!Axelfinal
ly
bri
ngshomeagi rl
.
Wehadanicedi
nnerprepar
edbyt hemanyhouse
st
aff
,andi
ntheeveni
ngIsattal
kingtoKago.
ME:Themotherl
ikeyou.Ihaveneverseena
womanacceptherhusband’
schil
dlikethat
.
KAGO:( smili
ng)Madamei saspecialwoman.She
hasnevershownmepr edudiceortr
eatedmeand
l
esst hanherbor nchi
ldrenevenwhenIcamet o
staywiththem forcol
lege.Shewashear tbroken
whenIdeci dedtogobackt oBot swanaafterI
graduated.ShewassohappywhenIdeci dedIwas
fi
nallymovingbackher elastmonthafterIlostmy
mot her
.
ME:Aww,
Kago!Whydi
dn’
tyout
ellmeyourmot
her
passed?
KAGO:Youst
oppedt
alki
ngt
ome
ME:I
’
m sor
ry
KAGO:I
t’
scool
.Idon’
twannat
alkabouti
t.
Ichangedt
hesubjectbecauseIknowhehat
es
bei
ngpushedtotalkaboutthi
ngs.
ME:MadameLeducseemsl
ikesuchagoodwoman,
t
oacceptyoul
iket
hat
…shei
sanangel.
KAGO:Don’tbefooled.Shei
sverypr
otect
iveofus
andwi
llperktheeyesoutofanyoneshefeel
sis
comi
ngafterherbrood.
ME:Idon’
tthi
nkGi
sel
lel
ikesmever
ymucht
hough
KAGO:Likemadamesaid,sheispr
otect
iveofus
too,
anddoesn’
ttr
ustgi
rlsver
ymuchar oundher
brot
her
s.
Laterintheeveni
ngtheboyswentoutforar
un, and
Idecidedtostayi
n.Ihear
daknockinmyr oom and
Gisell
estoodther
ewithherhandsf
oldedacrossher
chest.
GI
SELLE:Whyar
eyoupl
ayi
ngmybr
other
?
ME:Watar
eyout
alki
ngabout
?
GISELLE:Don’
tactdumb,
Iknowyouar
emar
ri
edt
o
AntoneCros!
ME:I
…uhm…Kagoi
sjustaf
ri
end…
GISELLE:Haveyout oldhi mthat?BecauseAxeli s
i
nl ovewithyou.List
en, honey,hurtmybrotherandI
wil
lattackyouli
keabeeswar m.Youar eamodel ,I
wor ki
noneoft hebiggestmedi ahousesi nFrance.
Thepeopl e’
sdarl
ing,theysay…Icoul ddestr
oyyour
andyourdr ugaddicthusband’sr eput
ati
onint he
snapofaf i
nger
,so,stayawayf r
om mebr other,
cl
ear ?
ShewalkedawaycussingatmeinFr
ench.Damn,
that
’ssovi
ciousgi
rlr
ightt
her
e!
*
***
***
*
ThenextdayKagoshowedmear oundt own.I
twas
sobeauti
fulandser
ene.Wespentthewholeday
remi
nisci
ngofourdaysbackattherealest
atefi
rm
i
nBotswana, andl
aughi
ngaboutOgone’stant
rums.
Hewasstil
lthr
owi
ngthem andact
ingboss
appar
ent
ly.Whatabr
at.
Everydaywewoul
djusttal
kandrel
axint
hel
it
tl
e
hil
latt
heedgeoft
hevil
lage.Kagomademef
eelat
suchpeace!
Andst
il
lIhadnothear
dfr
om myhusband.
Ifi
nal
lyl
eftDor
dogneaf
tert
woweeksandKago
deci
dedtocometoPari
swithme.
Bei
ngbackt
her
ebr
oughtsomuchmemor
ies.
IsatinKago’shotelroom j
ustchil
li
ng, andIwas
goingthroughmyPi nter
estboard,Ididn’teven
remembermaki ngt
hispinofbabycl othes…but
seeingthat,
allofasuddenallmyemot ionsflooded
me.
Kagocameovert
owher
eIwassi
tt
ingandhugged
me.
KAGO:i
tsok,
Let
ty…i
tsok…
Hecuddledmeandwhi sper
edsomecomf or
ti
ng
wordsinmyear s.Idon’
tevenknowwhathappened,
butthenextt
hingwewer ekissi
ng,
hishandsal
l
overmybody,
aswher
emi
neonhi
s.
KAGO:(hesai
dashepul l
edback)Let
ty…I
…I’
m
sorr
y…Ishoul
dn’
thave…Idon’
twannatake
advant
ageofyourvul
nerabi
li
ty…
Ok,look,whenyouhavebeenst ar
vedforasl
ongas
Ihaveandwher einar oom wi
thasexymanlike
Kago, wel
l,
ithasthatSist
aBett
inaef
fectonagirl
.
Allyourmoralsfl
yout.
ME:No,Iwantitt
oo…please,
Kago,
makeloveto
me…mymar ri
ageisdead,myhusbanddoesn’
twant
meanyway…
KAGO:Idon’
twantt
o…
Ipull
edhim downtomeandkissedhi
mf eroci
ousl
y,
ri
ppingopenhisshi
rt
,andt
hathardcutchest
sendingshi
versdownmyspine.
Hegazedatmewi t
ht hosedeepi
ntenseeyesand
askedi
nasexualvoice
KAGO:Ar
eyousur
e,Ler
othodi
?
ME:Mor
ethanever
…
Het
ookhi
sti
megi
vingmybodyat
tent
ion,
kissi
ng
meal lover,
teasingmeandmaki ngmecum
repeatedl
y,unti
lIwasbeggi nghimt omakeloveto
me.Ihear dhim pullacondom outofhiswall
etand
torethepacket,t
henIf el
thi
mi nsideme.Hewas
big,andheknewj usthowtousehi sthi
ng…
Hemadel ovetohi m sl
owl y,
pul l
ingal mostal lt
he
wayof f
,soonl ytheheadwasst i
llinside,andt hen
sli
dingallthewaybackdownunt ilIcompl etely
consumedhi m again,t
akinghi stime, moving
slowlyashi smout hexploredmi ne, occasionally
taki
ngani ppleinhismout handsucki ngitso
tenderl
yithadmescr eami ngandscour inghi sback
withmynai l
s.Iwassur eIwasgoi ngt obur storbe
consumedwi thfi
reorsomet hingbecauset hat
muchpl easureshoul dbeasi n,r
ight?

Af t
erseveralminutesofthis,Icouldfeelmyself
readytoburstagain,andheswi t
chedt hi
ngsupa
notch,pi
ckinguppaceunt ilhewasgoi ngsofastI
couldhardl
ycatchmybr eath,hismout hconnecti
ng
withmine,andhishott onguepenet rat
ingmylips
whilehepickedourpacemor e,thrusti
nghiships
i
ntomei nagentl
ebutf
orcef
ulwayt
hatdr
oveme
absol
utel
ycrazy.

Moment sl aterheputhishandsf i
rmlyonmy
shouldersandpushedmeupi nt oasitti
ngposi ti
on.
Igroundmyhi psint
ohim morei ntent
ly,andwhen
hesatup, squeezedmybr eastinhi shand, and
suckedt heni ppleandotherbreastintohismout h,I
l
etoutawi ldmoanandshudder eduncont r
ollably
forseveralintensemoment s,comi nghar derand
mor epassionat elyt
hanIhadevercum i nmyl i
fe-
whilefeeli
nghi m pulseandexplodedeepi nsideme,
moani ngmynamequi etl
y.
Wecoll
apsedt
othebedandf
ellasl
eepi
neach
ot
her
’shands.
*
***
***
Thenextdaywewokeupandmadel
ovei
nthe
shower,
andthenIhadt
ogotot
hest
udi
ofora
shoot
.
KAGO:Howmanyot
hershoot
sdoyouhave?
ME:Onl
ythi
sonet
hismont
h.
KAGO:Myf amil
yhasacabi
ninNormandy,Isaywe
escapetheci
tyt
heref
oraweekendandjustchi
ll
,
whatsaysyou?
ME:Soundsawesome!
KAGO:Shal
lIpickyouupthen?Orbett
eryet
,meet
meatthehel
icopterpadi
nEastPari
s,9pm,don’
tbe
l
ate.
HesmackedmybuttasIwal
kedoutoft
hehot
el
r
oom andtookacabtot
hest
ati
on.
Theshootwasalldayandi
twasqui
tef
un.Iwas
l
ivel
ierandenj
oyeditsomuch.
JOHNLUC:Nowt hati
smyLettyI
’
m usedt o!What
hadgot
teni
ntoyouthepastf
ewmont hs?Youwer e
sosadandf
orlor
n,nowyouareki
ll
ingthi
sshoot!
Ismi
ledi
nwardl
y,wel
l,
morel
ikewhohadgot
ten
i
ntome,JohnLuc,
who,wast
heword.
Iwasf i
nishedbysevenandwasinthechangi
ng
room prett
yingmysel
fupforKago,
whensuddenly…
‘
Mont
resor
…’
Thevoicethati
salwaysmyundoi ng!Hestood
ther
esmi l
ingal
lthewaytothosecharminghazel
eyes,hi
shandsheldwideopenf orme,asIrushed
i
ntothem andhehuggedmet ightl
y.
*
***
***
**
REMEMBERTOLI
KEANDCOMMENT
[
04/
15,
07:
45] :SDLUDLA:21

Youknowwhent heworldjustf
eel
sright?Thatone
per sonwhoj ustmakestheworldf
allawayand
givesyout hatfeeli
ngt
hatyoutwoar etheonlyt
wo
thingsthatexist?
MinewasbackandIlai
di nbedwithhim smi
li
ngat
meplayingwi
thmyhairafteral
mostfourhour
sof
cr
azylovemaki
ng!God,IhadmissedAntoneso
much.
ME:Youl
eftme…
ANTONE:I ’m sor
ry…Ineededtomour n.Att
hetimeI
sti
llbl
amedyouf orourbabyandIj ustwantedyou
tosufferl
ikeIwas…Iwassel f
ishandchildi
sh…
ME:IsawyourInstagr
am pict
uresatpar
ti
es…Iwas
wor
riedt
hatyou’l
luseagain…or…
ANTONE:Takemet othedoct orstomorr
owand
check.I’
m clean.Haven’ttouchedevenjustweed
sincebefor
eIwentt or ehab.Ihadopportuni
ti
es.I
j
ustcouldn’timaginedisappointi
ngyou.Andno,
therewereneveranyot herwomen, Il
oveyouLett
y,
Icouldn’
t…can’tcheatonyou, never…
ME:Ibel
ieveyou…Il
oveyout
oo…andIf
orgi
veyou.
ANTONE:Thankyou,mont r
esor…nowyouhave
deplet
edallmyener
gy,l
etsgototheki
tchenand
makesomet hi
ngtoeat
.Andyouar el
ookingqui
te
thi
nLetty,
Iknowyouworkoutandall
,butit’
s
beginni
ngtoscar
eme…
ME:(Il
ookeddownguil
ti
ly)Iguessi
twasjustthe
st
ressofmissi
ngyou…stresscanmakeyoulose
weight
.
Wer andownstai
rstotheki
tchenandpl
ayedar
ound
cookingupamount ai
noffoodandwesatonthe
fl
oorintheki
tcheneati
ngandlaughi
ng.
Myst
omachwassof
ullandIr
eal
lywant
edt
ogo
pur
ge,buthowdoIexpl
ainthatt
oTone?Hewoul
d
besoupset,andwej
ustgotbacktoget
her
…
Icouldn’tholditanymore,Irushedtothetoil
etand
l
eanedagai nstt hepor
celainbowl,l
it
eral
lyprojecti
le
vomitingbeforeIevenhadt het i
met oproperl
ylean
down.Tonest oodbesidemeandr ubbedmyback
soothingly,
thenhelpedmecl eanupandshower .
ANTONE:Ar
eyouokmont
resor
…whydi
dyout
hrow
up?
ME:I
…uhm…i t
’sj
ustshell
fish,youknowwheni t
st
aysi
nt hef
reezerf
ortoolongi tcangobadeven
whenfr
ozen.Imayhavelef ti
tintherel
ong.
ANTONE:Oh,I’
m sosorrymyl ove,
Ishoul
dn’
thave
madeit
!Areyouok?I ‘
l
lfixyoualemonandhoney
t
onicmymotherusedt omakemewhenIwasaki d,
i
twil
lmakeyouf eel
better.
Ilai
dinbedashewentdownstai
rst
omakemethe
toni
c.Iwasfeeli
nggui
lt
yashel
l,
Iknewdamnwel
li
t
wasnoshell
fish.
Ihadaprobl
em butIwastooashamedtogethel
p.
Buli
miai
snotjustaphysi
calcondi
ti
on,
it’
samental
thi
ng,andoncei
tget
shol
dofyou,
youcan’
tjust
quiti
t.
Nowat89kg, Ihadfi
nallygottenmyf i
rstrejecti
on
i
ntoaplussizecampai gnandt ransferredtocur vy
f
oranupcomi ngrunwayshow.ThatdayIl i
teral
ly
f
eltl
ikeIhadwont helotterywhent heshow
managertol
dmeIwas‘ notquit
epl ussi zeanymor e’
!
Notplussi
zeanymor e!Thef atgir
linmest il
lfel
t
t
hathewassomewhatmocki ngme, butser i
ously,
wow!From 126kgtonow89kg!
ButIhavetoadmi t,Ihaveapr oblem, Imakemyself
thr
owupaf tereverymealandIj ustdidn’tknow
whattodotost op.DidIevenwantt ostop?Maybe
j
ustkeepgoi ngalit
tlelongeruntilI’
m atmygoal
weight
,70kg.Just19mor ekg.70kgi st heBMI
i
ndexrecommendedwei ghtforat al
lgirlli
keme.
Yup,justkeepgoi ngali
tt
lel onger,
butI’dhavet obe
di
screetbecauseTonewi llgoballi
sti
cifhef ound
out.ThenI ’l
lbeatmyperfectwei ghtformyhei ght
andever ythingwil
lbewellwi t
hmywor ld.Final
lyI
won’tbeaf atgi
rlanymore!Canyoui magi ne!Just
19kgmor etogo.
*
***
***
**
Wewokeupver ylateandhadourbr unchandI
pur geddownst air
swhi leToneshower edupstai
rs,
thencl eanedt hebat hroom andsprayeditwit
h
air
f reshnerbef oreIshower edther
eandappl i
ed
perf ume, caref
ultogur glewithamintmout hwash
afterbr ushingmyt eet
h, t
henIwasal lcher
ryperfect
!
Wet henwentar oundtot heshopsandendedupat
anar cade,r
ocki
ngt oBonJoviont heguitargame,
andpl ayedsomecarr acinggamesasaf ewpeople
tookvideosandpi ct
ures.Nowt hatTonewasback
i
nt heNBAandhehadj usthadveryawesomef ir
st
fewgames, hewasint heint
ernati
onall
imeli
ght
again.
Ionlygott ocheckmyphoneintheevening.Itol
d
youTonemakest hewor l
dfal
laway…webot h
l
iter
allycanforgetwehavephoneswhenwear e
together,j
ustengrossedi
neachother
’shalothatno
oneact ual
lyexist
.
Phone.Ohshit
!Kagohadbeencal
li
ngmesincel
ast
ni
ght.Ohshi
t!Kago,hehadwant
edtogot
o
Nor
mandyandal
l…
Whil
eTonewasatt
hegym i
ntheeveni
ngIcal
led
hi
m.
ME:Hey…Kago,
I’
m sor
ry…
KAGO:No, I’
m sorr
y,Let
ty.I’
m sorr
ythatIletyou
playmelikethi
sandst r
ingmeal ongallt
hiswhile.
I’
m sorr
ythatIloveyou,butyoudon’tevenhavet he
decencytocallanddit
chplansyoumadewi thme…
ME:ButmyhusbandcamebackandIwas…
KAGO:Yea,Iunder
stand,Idon’tmatteratal
ltoyou.
Yourhusbandwasback,sot ohellwithme.I’
mt he
shoul
dertocryonandthendi scar
dwhen
ever
ythi
ngisri
ghtwithyourwor l
d,huh?
ME:Kagowhyar
eyoubei
ngl
iket
his?
KAGO:Li kewhat,Lett
y?Likewhat ?Amor onwho
fi
nal l
ywokeupt othefactthathehasbeenusedal l
along?Ial waystakethebackbur nertowhat ever
j
er kasswhohasyourf ancyatthet i
me, andwhen
theybr eakyourheartyoucomer unningbackt ome?
Fuckyou, Let
ty.I
’m done.
Hehungupandthenhisphonewasof
forhe
bl
ockedmeorwhatever
.
Isati
nthebat
hroom cryi
ng.Whywashebei
ngl
i
ke
thi
s?Kagoofal
lpeople?Howcoul
dhebesocol
d?
MaybeIshoul
dgoper
sonal
lymeethi
m andpat
ch
t
hingsup?
Itext
edhim‘Pleaselet
’smeettomor
rowandt
alk
aboutthi
ngs,attheBri
ghtBar,
7pm’
*
***
***
*
Iwashedmyfaceandputonmakeuptohidet
hatI
wascryi
ngwhenTonecamebackfrom gym.
ANTONE:Youreyesar
ered,
haveyoubeencr
ying?
ME:Cry…what?Whywoul dIbecryi
ngwhenIgot
myloveback?Ithi
nkit
’sthi
snewmascarathatI
gotf
rom asponsor,
alwaysmakingmyeyeswater…
ANTONE:Idon’tevenknowwhyyoubot herwith
mascara,yougotthoseeyel
ashest
hatgoon
for
ever…hell
,whydoyoubotherwit
hmakeup?That
gorgeousfaceisal
wayshiddenunderal
lthatgoo.
ME:(
laughi
ng)I
’
m amodel
,si
ll
y!Makeupi
sjustpar
t
ofwhatIdo.Canyoubel
ievesomebrandsareno
l
ongerconsi
deri
ngmeplussize!Wow!I’
m now
‘
curvy’
.Canyoubeli
evei
t!
ANTONE:Yea…I
’
m wor
ri
edLet
ty,
areyoueat
ing
ri
ght
?
ME:Yousawmest uffmyfacewi t
hyour ightnow,
didn’
tyou?Iguessmymet aboli
sm justfi
nall
y
ki
ckedinandi t
’sworki
ngasfastasyour s.Icoul
d
eatwhateverIwantandst
illl
osewei ght
…
ANTONE:I fyousayso…justdon’tdoanythi
ngsil
ly
forthesakeoflosi
ngweight,pl
ease.Youare
absolut
elygorgeousandIloveyoujustt
hewayyou
are.Iwasthinki
ng,doyouhaveanyshootsplanned
soon?
ME:Notf
ort
hismont
h….
ANTONE:Ihaveagamei
ntwoweeksandIt
hink
youshoul
dcome…
ME:OhmyGod,
forr
eal
?Wow,
NBAgame…
ANTONE:VVIPBox.I
’m soexci
tedt
ohaveyou
t
here,
butal
soalit
tl
enervous…Iwantt
ohavea
goodgameont
hef
ir
stt
imeyouwat
chmepl
ayl
i
ve.
ME:Hey,Ihavewat
chedyourgamesonTV,
youar
e
gonnabeawesome.
ANTONE:Thingi
s,weshoul
dleavet
omorr
ow
morni
ngbecauseIhavet
ogetbacktot
hefi
eldf
or
pr
acti
se.
ME:Hey,I’
m amodel,Ial
wayshaveasparebag
packedbecauseacampaigncancal
lunexpect
ed,
so,l
et’
shitt
heroadthen!
Thenextmor ningTonewokemeup, wemadelove
andhadanot herhugebreakfast
,agai
nIdidmy
thingwhileheshower ed,andthenIwasinan
Instagram Gossipaccount,andri
ghtther
ewasa
pictureofToneandIatourweddi ng,
witha
descripti
onthatsaid:
‘
Whi leherNBAst arhusbandwasbacki ntheUSat
practiceforhi
snewseason, thepeople'
sdarl
ing,
super modelLett
yCroshasbeenhavi ngalit
tl
ef un
i
nDor godonewithanexmodelknownt ous.The
buli
mi cmodel( Weallnoti
cedtherapi
dweightloss
gir
l,andourt r
ustedsourcessayshehasbeen
purgingheri ntestinesoutwhenevershesmel ls
food)issai dtohavedumpedherst arvi
ngpar ents
i
nAf ricaforheri nandoutofr ehabdr ugaddict
husbandandaspi nint hespot l
ight.Youwi l
lnever
beli
evet her ealstoryofhowt heymet …let
’sjustsay
acr i
mewascommi ttedbyMrCr ost hatni
ght, and
Mr sCr osisact i
velysuppor t
ingar apist
.Mor et ea
at…’andt heyputal inkt ot
heirbl ogwebsite.
*
***
***
*
REMEMBERTOLI
KEANDCOMMENT
[
04/
15,
07:
45] :SDLUDLA:22

Antonedoesn’
tfol
lowgossipblogsandsuch
becausehesaysit
’sunnecessaryst
ress.Butthi
s
wasgoingtoreachhim onewayortheot her
,and
thesoonert
hebetter
,ri
ght?
Hecameoutofthebathroom dryi
nghi
shai
randI
satont
hebedwithtearswell
ingdownmyeyes.
WheredoIevenst
art?
ANTONE:Babe…hey,
what
’swr
ong?
Iquiet
lyhandedhi
mt hephoneandher eadt
hepost
thensatdownquiet
lyfort
helongestt
ime.
ANTONE:I
sitt
rue?Thatyouar
emaki
ngyour
sel
f
si
ck?
Wow!YouseewhyIj ustlovethisman?Lookwhat
heisgett
ingupsetaboutf i
rst
.ThatI’
m har
ming
myself
.It
’sreal
lybeauti
fultoalwayscomef i
rsti
n
someone’sli
fel
ikethat,
andhecamef ir
sti
nmi ne
too.
ANTONE:Lerot
hodianswerme!Haveyoubeen
maki
ngyoursel
fvomit?
Inoddedasmor
etear
srandownmyeyes…
ANTONE:Youknow, f
orsuchst upi dit
y,Ireal
lywant
topuncht hatemptyprettyskullofyour s,maybeI
canknocksomesensei nt oit
.ButIcoul dneverput
myhandsonyouri nviolence.Ipromi sedmysel fI
’
m
nevergoingtoshowmyangert oyoubecauseI
becomeamonst erwhenI ’
m angry, soI’
mj ustgoi
ng
towalkaway.Wewi l
ltalkaboutal lthislat
er.I
fI
speaknowI ’
m goi
ngtoyel landmeget t
ingina
moodal waysendsi nviolence.
Hespentcl
osetot
wohoursinthegym beat
ingt
he
punchi
ngbagli
kei
towedhim somethi
ng.
Thenhecameback,shower
ed,
madeusmeal
sand
sl
eptwi
thoutt
alki
ngtome.
Hewokeuplat
eri
ntheeveni
ngandgent
lyshook
metowakeup.
ANTONE:Di
dyousl
eepwi
thanot
herman?
Agai
nInodded.
Icoul
dseet hesheerr
ageinhiseyesashe
punchedtheanti
quelampoffthebedsidetabl
e,
sendi
ngthepoorthingshat
ter
ingtothefloor
.
Thenhewaspunchi
ngthewallsever
alt
imes.Yes
youhear
dme,thewall
,hi
sknuckleswer
ebleedi
ng
andhewoul
dn’
tstop.
ME:Ant
onest
op!Ant
one!Youar
ehur
ti
ngyour
sel
f,
st
op!
I
twaslikeIwasn’
teventher
e…Iranovertohim and
t
ri
edtograbhim,butli
keIsai
d,Antonei
samassi ve
man,
andj ustt
heforceofhi
mt ur
ningaroundsent
mefl
yingbackandfall
ingonmybut t
.That’
swhen
hecamet
ohi
ssensesandcamer
unni
ngt
ome…
ANTONE:OhmyGod,
babe…I
’
m sor
ry,
didIhur
tyou?
Heaskedwi
thconcer
nashehel
pedmeup.
ME:I’
mf i
ne…I
’mr
eal
lysor
ryTone,
Idi
dn’
tmeant
o
cheatonyou.
ANTONE:Howdoyouevencheatwi
thoutmeani
ng
t
o?Howdoyouhaveafucki
ngaffai
rwithout
meani
ngto?
ME:Ineverhadanyaffai
r!Once,
Isleptwi
thhi
m
onceandregret
tedi
timmediatel
y.
Hescr
eamedaseriesofcursesi
nFrenchf
orasol
id
f
ivemi
nutesbef
orehefinal
lycal
meddown.
ANTONE:Why,
Ler
othodi
?Whywoul
dyoudot
hat
?
ME:Wel
l,
youl
eft
!
ANTONE:Soyouf ucksomer andom manandit’
s
myf aul
t?Let
ty!Takeresponsibi
li
tyf
oryouract
ions
once!
ME:Youl
eftmewhenIneededyouTone.Il
osta
babyt
oo,
youknow!Ij
ustknowhowtohidemypain
bett
erbecausewhetheryouarehurtornot
,the
worldsti
llhastogoon.Iwaslonel
y,
sad…broken…andanoldfri
endwast her
eformethe
waymyhusbandshoul dhavebeen.Iopenedupto
him andonet hi
ngl
eadtoanother.
ANTONE:Sothesonofabi
tcht
ookadvant
ageofa
vulner
abl
ewoman?Whatki
ndofpi
gishe?What’
s
hisname?
ME:I
t’
snothi
sfaul
t!I
…
ANTONE:Hi
sname,
Let
ty!
ME:I
…youdon’
tknowhi
m.
ANTONE:Wel l,wheredoeshel i
ve?Let
ty,
comeon,
don’tt
ellmeyouf uckedsomeoneyoudon’ teven
know!Theysayi t
’saf ormermodelandIknowal ot
ofthose,sowhoishe?I ’
m goingtoaskonemor e
ti
mebef oremycomposur efl
iesoutthewindowand
Iwon’tberesponsibl
ef ormyact i
ons.Whatthefuck
i
shi snameLer ot
hodi?
Hewasli
vid!Ragi
ngboili
nglivi
d!Andhewas
st
andi
ngsodanger ousl
yclosetome,i
fheevenj
ust
hi
m meonceI ’
dprobabl
ydie.
ME:AxelLeDuc
Theblowcamer ightatmyfaceandatthelast
momenthepunchedt hewal
lri
ghtbesi
demyear
i
nstead.Thatwoul dhavebeenpainf
ulasfuckif
he’
ddecidedt opunchme.Ir antoacornerand
coweredthere,shakingsomuchwi t
hfear.
ANTONE:Fuuuuuck!Lett
y!Didi
thavet
obethat
cockysonofabi
tch?IswearIwannakil
lyour
ight
now,andImeanthatli
ter
all
y!
Iwasshaki
ngsobadl
ynowandt
ear
swer
efl
owi
ng
hotandf
ast.
Everyonehast
oldmebefor
ethatTonehada
temperandhewasviol
entashel
l,butIdi
dn’
tthi
nk
theymeanttot
hisdegr
ee.
Hewal kedoutofther
oom andsati
nthel
ivi
ng
room aloneforsomet
imebefor
ehecamebackand
satont hebed.
ANTONE:Idon’
tevenknowwhyyouarecr
ying
becauseIdi
dn’
tdoanyt
hingt
oyou.Comesit
.
Ishookmyhead'
no'
,st
il
lcower
ingi
nacor
ner
.I
wassoscar
edtoevengetnearhi
m.Thi
smonst
er
wasnotmyTone.Whoeveri
twas,If
ear
edt
hehell
outofhi
m.
ANTONE:Let
ty,
please,
let
’st
alk,
Iwon’
thur
tyou,
I
’m sor
ry.
Hewal kedovert
omegent l
yandeventhenIstart
ed
shakingagai
n,Iwassopar alyzedwi
thfearI
couldn’
tevenscream eventhoughIwantedto.
Hesatdownnearmeandhuggedmet ohi
schest
,
soothi
nglyr
unni
nghishandst
hroughmyhai
rand
whisperi
ngapol
ogi
esinmyear.
ANTONE:Iam sosor r
y,mont r
esor…Icouldnever
har
m you…never ,youar emyt r
easure,andri
ght
nowthatlookoff earinyoureyes…thatyoufearme
andIcausedi t
…br eaksmyhear t
…Icouldnever
har
m youLer othodi,Iloveyou,ok?
Het
urnedmear oundandwipedmytear
s,ki
ssi
ng
myeyel
idshuggedmecloserst
il
l.
Whenhef i
nall
yletgo,
hiseyeswer
emi st
y,butt
rue
Tone’sst
yle,
hiscomposurewasbackonagainina
second.
Hegentl
ygrabbedmyf aceandbr oughti
tcl osert
o
hi
s,cr
ushinghisl
ipstomine.Hi slipspar
t ed
uncer
tai
nlyandmovedagai nstmi ne,t
aki
nghi sti
me
asIfi
nal
lygaveintothekiss.Icoul df
eelt he
warmnessofhistongueli
ngerar oundmi ne.
ANTONE:Iloveyou,
Lerot
hodi…Idi
dn’tevenknow
whatt
hatmeantbeforeImetyou…andt her
eisno
wayI’
mlett
ingyougo.Ineverwanttoli
vewi t
hout
you
ME:Idon’
twantt
obewi
thoutyouei
ther
…
ANTONE:Theot
herguy…Axel
,doyoul
ovehi
m?
Ishookmyheadvi
gor
ousl
ybef
oreIevenspoke.
ME:Notatal
l.ThereisonlyonemanthatIl
oveand
i
t’
syou…Kago…Axel,hehasalwaysbeenther
efor
me,we’
vebenef r
iendssinceinBot
swana…
ANTONE:Oh,
thef
ri
endyout
oldmeabout
…
ME:Yes…butheisj
ustt
hat
,Tone,
afr
iend,
a
br
otherofsomesor
t…
ANTONE:Di
dyouenj
oyi
t…t
hesex?
ME:Mustyou?
ANTONE:Ineedt
oknow…
ME:No…Ididn’
t.Iwascryi
ng,hehuggedme, and
t
henwewer eki
ssingandithappened,
it’
snoteven
memorabl
e.
Wit
hmenyouhavet ostr
okethei
regos.Whatthe
hel
ldoyouthi
nkhewouldsayifItol
dhim making
l
ovetoKagowasjustasgoodasmaki ngl
oveto
hi
m?
Hewassil
entf
orsomet
imeagai
n,andf
inal
ly
si
ghed.
ANTONE:Ifor
giveyou…asl
ongast
her
eisnomor
e
cheat
ing…
ME:Nomore,Ipr
omise…I’
m di
sgust
edwi
thmysel
f
f
orit
…Icoul
dneveragai
n.
ANTONE:Good,andI
’
m sor
ryf
orf
ri
ght
eni
ngyou.
Par
donnemoi?
ME:Oui
..
.(
Inoddedandheki
ssedmeont
hecheek)
Hehelpedmeupandwewentt oshower,thenspent
hour
smakinglovebeforehest
artedcontacti
ng
doct
orsonthesortofhel
pIcouldgetformy
bul
imi
a.
*
***
***
*
Byt henextdaybot hToneandIwerelosi
ng
sponsor sl
ikecrazy.Wehadtodosomet hingt
o
redeem ourselves,ot
her
wisewe’dl
oseallour
endorsement sandIwouldneverbeabletogeta
campai gnagain.Somewomen’ sri
ghtsgroupwere
sayingIshouldbeashamedf ormarryi
ngmyr api
st
blahblah.
Icheckedmyphone,
ansmsf
rom Kago.
‘
Letty,
please,I’
m sosorryaboutwhat ’si
nt henews.
IswearI’m goingtokil
lmysi ster
.IknowIhadno
ri
ghttell
ingsomethingyout oldmei nconf idenceto
someoneel se,butIwasjustsoangr y…Icouldn’t
beli
evehowmuchyoupl ayedmeandIj ustneeded
tovent.Gisel
leandIareclosesoIt al kedtoher .I
wasonl ysupposedt obeforherear s.I’m sorr
y.Tell
mewhatIcandot ohelpfi
xt hi
s,’

If
eltsobadforhi
m.Itotal
lyunder
stoodwhathe
meant.Hehadjustpour
edhisheavyheartoutt
o
hi
ssi
sterandt
het
wist
edbi
tcht
ooki
ttot
hemedi
a.
Wemetwi t
hTone’
sawesomePR,
Aret
ha,
andt
hat
gi
rlcanspi
nanyt
hing.
Iwasnothappywit
htheplanthoughbecausei
t
meantt
hrowingKagounderthebus.
ME:Ican’
tTone…heismyf
ri
end…Ican’
tthr
owhi
m
undert
hebusli
kethat.
ANTONE:Per sonall
yI’
dr atherj
usthi
thim wi t
hthe
bus.Andhegotusi nt
hismess, youconfidentl
y
confessedallthattoafriendandhedidt histoyou,
whatkindofaf r
iendishe?Wecoul dlose
ever
ythingbecauseofhi m.Hedeser vesever yt
hing
Aret
hahaspr eparedinthere.AndIsweari fIsee
him,Iwillbegoingt oj
ailwhilehegoestot he
morgue.Ar eyour eadyforthepressconference?
Inoddedeventhoughmyhear
tjustwoul
dn’
tagr
ee
wit
hit.ButTonewasri
ght
,Iowedhimthi
smuch
*
***
*
Ist
oodi
nf rontofal
lthej
our
nali
stsshaki
ng
i
nter
nal
ly.Look,I
’m amodel
,Idon’
tgetpai
ntot
alk,
j
ustt
olookcut
e,andal
lthi
spr
essconfer
encethi
ng
wast
oomuch.Itookadeepbr
eathandwalkedto
t
hepodium.
ME:Soyoual lknowtherumour
sbynow.AndI ’
ll
addr
essal lofthem t
odayri
ghthere,
becausethe
vi
ndict
iveper sonwhoputthem outi
swinning.Iam
bei
ngcr ucif
iedforsomeone’
ssmearcampai gn.
JOURNALI ST:MrsCros,
areyousayi
ngt
he
al
legat
ionsarenottr
ue?
ME:Gi vemet i
met orespondpl ease.FirstI’m
accusedofdumpi ngmy‘ starvi
ngpar ents’.Thatis
si
mpl ybaselessl
ies.Byabi tt
ermanwhohas
personali
ssues,butIwillgettothatlater.My
parentsarenotstarvi
ng.Myf atherisaPast oranda
smalltimefarmer.Mymot herhasaschooluni for
m
makingcompany.
Thesli
deplayedol
dpi
ctur
esofmypar
ent
sandIat
thef
arm andmymom’sshop,t
hechur
ch,
etc.
ME:Asyoucansee, t
heyar enotst
arvi
ngatall.But
wedidhaveaf al
li
ngoutduetomycar eerchoi
ce
andt
heirrel
igi
ousbel
ieves.Thi
swasapr ivat
et hi
ng
thatIconf essedt oalong- t
imef ri
end,andqui t
e
franklysur pr i
sedtoseei tonl i
ne.YesIdidwei ght
l
osssur ger y…thatti
mewasaver ylowpoi nti
nmy
l
ife.Ihadl oadsofest eem issuesandpeopl e
aroundme, t
hesamepeopl ewhol eakedoutal lt
his,
contributedt omyest eem pr oblems.Ineverhidt he
surger yfact ,butIdidn’tputitoutalsobecause, if
your emembermyver yfir
stcampai gn,Redecover t
e,
wasal laboutsel f-
discovery.Ther ewast hisnewme
thatIwasf ocusedon.Whybeatmysel fupabout
somet hingt hathappened?AndIwantt or emind
everyoneher ethatwithoutput t
inginwor k,weight
l
osssur ger yisfornaught .It’
snotmagi c,youdon’ t
wakeupt hin.Iputmont hsofwor konmybodyaf t
er
mysur gery.
JOURNALIST:
Doest
he‘
wor
k’i
ncl
udemaki
ng
your
sel
fthr
owup?
ME:TheindustryI
’min,unfor
tunatelycangetbrutal
.
Youonl
yseet heglam andbeautyofi t,
butther
eis
aconst
antneedt ofi
tin.Someofy’ all
lmay
rememberIrecentl
ylostapregnancy.Inatural
ly
havealowmet abol
ism,soitwasver ydiff
icul
tto
l
osethebabyweighteventhoughIwor kedwi t
ha
di
eti
cianandphysi
caltr
ainertoloseit
.I‘
m human,
andIknowwhathappensi ntheindustr
y,soIgot
l
edintothewrongpat
h.Ifeelashamed, butI’
m
get
ti
nghelp,I
’
m alr
eadyregister
edintoaf aci
li
ty.
JOURNALI
ST:
Andt
her
ape?
ME:( l
aughing)t herewasneverar ape.Thatisjusta
bit
tersmearcampai gnbymyexf r
iendAxelLeducif
youstil
lrememberhi m.Youmayal lknowhehada
l
ongst andingf eudwi thmyhusbandpr i
ortome
comingi nt
ot hemodel l
ingscene.MrLeDucwas
engagedt omodelDor aTravi satthetime,andshe
dumpedhi mf orAnt oneCr os.MrLeDuccamet o
Botswanat or unf r
om hi sfailedmar ri
agethatdidn’
t
evenhappen, andbycoi nci dencewemetand
workedi nthesamecompany.Hehadal waysbeen
i
nterestedinmer omant ically,butIneversawhi m
assuch.
JOURNALIST:Wow,Axel
…sothatiswher
ehehas
beenhi
ding.Ar
eyousayi
ngyoudidn’
tsl
eepwi
th
hi
m?
ME:No, andIdar ehimt otel
ltheti
meandpl acehe
saysithappened, becauseinDordogne,west ayed
withhisfamil
yandhecamet obewi t
hmewhenmy
husbandwasi nUS, Hecameasaf ri
end,andhe
tri
edtogetper sonalonthesaidnightinahot el.I
resi
stedandl eft
.Towakeupt othi
s.Ar ejected
manwhoj ustwant stodestr
oythebeautiful
mar r
iagemyhusbandandIhave.
Tonemovedcloserandki
ssedthet
opofmyhead
bef
orewewalkedoffhandinhand.
Iexcusedmysel fothetoi
letandcriedmyeyesout.
Icouldn’tbeli
eveI ’
djustt
hrownKagounderthebus
l
ikethat.Howcoul dIdothattohim?Hehadal ways
beent hereformeandIknowKagowoul dneverdo
anythingtohur tme.Thiswhol ethi
ngwasa
mistakebyhi sbi gmouthsister.
*
***
***
REMEMBERTOLI
KEANDCOMMENT
[
04/
15,
07:
46] :SDLUDLA:23
Ir
eadKago’
smessageoverandoveragai
n.
‘
YouknowwhatLet ty,Ican’tbel
ieveyou.Asmear
campai gnbyyourexf ri
end?SoI ’
m anexf r
iend
now?AndyouknowIdi dn’tputthatshitout,my
sist
erdid.Iactual
lyf el
tbadt hatshedi d,
butnow,
fuckyou, youdeservemor e.I’m doneLetty.Thi
sis
i
t,I’
m donebei ngyourl i
tt
lecrutchwhenyouneeda
shouldertocryon.Ineedt ofindmywor t
hnow,
especiall
ythatyou’
veal readypr oclai
medmeanex
fri
end.’
Itri
edtocallhi
m andhisnumberwasn’tgoi
ng
through.Imessagedhi
m onWhat sAppandhe
blockedmei mmediat
ely.Bl
ockedmeonFacebook
too.
Icri
edthewholeaft
ernoonasTonewastalki
ngon
thephonetal
kingt
othemanageraboutpostponi
ng
hisret
urnt
odealwiththemediaher
e.
Onthemedi af
ront,
itwasgoingsmoot hl
y.Of
coursewehadbot hlostanumberofsponsor s,but
Tone’sPRt eam wasdoinggreatworkinregaini
ng
ourreputati
on.Someoft hesponsorswhohadbeen
shakywer ealr
eadycomi ngbackonboard.Kagoon
theotherhand,wasbeingmer ci
lessl
yroastedbyall
newspaper
s,bl
ogs,
ever
ythi
ng.
Hewasport
rayedasthej
il
tedl
overwhot
ri
edt
oget
backatmewit
hlies.
Kagohast onnesofshitonmehecouldhaveput
outinthemedia,butheheldhi
speace,nevergave
anintervi
eworar ebut
tal
.
If
inal
lygotacal
lfr
om Gaona.
ME:Gee!Howar
eyou,
Iwant
edt
ocal
lyouand…
GAONA:Youhavenoshame,Ler
othodi
.Amanwho
st
oodbyyouthr
oughever
ythi
ngisnowjustabi
tt
er
exfr
iend?
ME:Gaonal
etmeexpl
ain,
Iwas…
GAONA:Idon’ twantyourexplanati
on.Youhave
usedKagoyourent ir
epatheticl
it
tl
elif
e,hewast he
onlypersonwhosawyouasawomanwhenyou
wereani nsi
gnif
icantl
it
tl
er oundfl
y.Hewasst i
ll
there,
stoodbyyourside,foughtyourbatt
les…
ME:Iknow,
I’
m sor
ry…
GAONA:Yoursorr
ymeansnothi
ng!Model
li
ng
car
eerhasanexpi
ringdat
eboo,
anddoyouknow
whathappenswhenyoul oseyourshi ne?Spot l
ight
athlet
eslovet henewshi nyt hingandt hat’
syou
ri
ghtnow.Whenyoul oset hatshi ne,
thatsaid
husbandwi l
lbegonet oo,andbecauseyouar eso
emot i
onallyweak, andt histimeyouwi llbeallalone,
youar egoingt oeatyour selfrightbackt oaf atgirl
,
noamountofmaki ngyour selfthrowupi sgoi ngto
help…andyou’ llbelef
tt heirrelevantfatpathetic
l
itt
lenothingyouar e.
Ihungupandt hr
ewmyphonet othebed.How
couldGaonabesocol d?SheandKagower en’
t
bei
ngf aratall
.Theywerer
efusi
ngtohearmysi de
ofthestory.
Tonewalkedi
nandf
oundmest
il
lcuddl
edupi
nbed
cr
ying.
ANTONE:Mont
ressor
,what
’swr
ong?
Hesati
nthebedandhuggedmet
ohi
schest
…
ANTONE:Tel
lme…whati
swr
ongmyl
ove,
letmef
ix
i
t…
ME:Ican’tdealwitht
hiswholeKago…Axelt
hing,
Tone…Ican’tbel
ieveIdi
dthattohi
m…
Hest
oodupf
umi
ngandpacedt
her
oom.
ANTONE:Honest l
y?Youar esit
ti
nghereinour
homecr yingoveranotherman?Howdoyout hink
thatmakesmef eelasyourhusbandLetty?You
can’tbeli
eveyouwhat ,savedourmarr
iagefrom
yourhor r
ibl
efri
endwhoputoutourbusi nessi n
public?
ME:No, i
t’
snotli
kethat
…it
’sj
ust…hehasal
ways
beenthereformeand…hewon’ttal
ktomeanymor
e
anyithur
ts.
ANTONE:Youknowwhat ?FuckitLet t
y.I’
m not
goingtobeanot herAxel.Beggingyout oloveme.
Youwanthi m?Goaf t
erhim, r
ightnow, getthefuck
outofmyhouseandgoaf t
eryourman.Youar e
self
ishandIdoubtyouknowwhatt hefuckloveis.
It
’sallaboutyou.Youknowwhat ,youar eri
ght,
from whatyout el
lmeabouthi m, youbetrayedhim,
usedhi mforyears.Andnowt hathef i
nall
ywokeup
andi sgett
inghimselfoutofthisrut,youarelooking
foryournextvicti
m,butit’
snotgoi ngtobeme,
honey…
ME:Tone,
howcoul
dyousayt
hat
…youknowIl
ove
you.
ANTONE:Youdon’
tevenloveyour
sel
f,Ler
othodi
!
Youdon’
tknowwhatloveis!
ME:Il
oveyou
Hel
aughedandpacedar
ound.
ANTONE:Youloveme?Real l
y?WhataboutAxel
then…whatdoyoufeelf
orhisconsider
ingyouwere
soquickt
oopenyourlegstohim?AndIsawyour
phonemessages,
thenightIarr
ivedyouwereon
yourwaytoaromanti
crendezvousinNormandy,so
what?
ME:I
…I…
ANTONE:Youknowyoudi dthatpressconference
foryourcareer
.Youdi dn’
tdoi ttosaveourmar ri
age,
youdidittosavesponsor ships.Thesamewayyou
kil
ledourchil
dbecauseshewasnotconveni entin
yourallgr
eatmodel l
ingplan.Imean, whatpregnant
womanwoul dtakepill
sshedoesn’ tknowtheef fect
oftothebabyunl esstheyar etr
yingtoharmt he
baby?It’
sallaboutyou,Letty.Sosithereandcr yfor
yourl
ove.I
’
m goi
ngout
.
*
***
***
*
BothKagoandTonewer eri
ghttobehonest .My
careerhadbecomesoi mportanttomet hat
everythi
ngelsetoosecondpl ace.Whydi dn’
tI
confir
mt heeffect
softhosepi l
lstobebaby?Imean,
I’
m usuallysofussythatIhavet oevenconfir
m
calori
esinaf r
uitbef
oreIeatit.DidIreal
lywantt
hat
baby?
AndIhadusedKago.Il
ovedhiminadiffer
entway
fr
om thel
oveIhavef
orTone,butIhadusedhim
never
thel
ess.
AndTone, helovedmesomuchandso
uncondit
ionall
ythatIt
ookitforgr
anted.Iknew
Tonewasnevergoi ngtoleaveme, soIhadnever
real
lybeenconsiderat
eofhisfeel
ings.That’
swhyit
wassoeasyf ormetosleepwithanothermaneven
thoughIprofesstobeheadoverheel si
nlovewit
h
Antone.
Buthear
ingt
hetrut
hfr
om t
hreepeopl
einoneday
wassuchaharshwakeupcall
.Li
kesomeonejust
sl
appedmeont hefaceandIwokeupf rom aver y
comf or
tabl
edr eam.Myl i
fehadal waysbeenabout
mywei ght,andthenwhenIgott hemodel l
ing
contact,
itwasaboutpr ovingthatIwasn’tjustafat
gir
l…Iwaswor thsomething.Iusedthespot l
ightt
o
val
idatemyself.Themor econt r
actsIgotthemor e
val
uableIfelt.
If
inal
lygotupandshowered,i
ntentonfi
ndi
ngmy
man.IhopeI’
dnotpissedhi
m offenoughtodr
ive
hi
m backtohisdeal
er.
Iwassodi stract
edbyever ything, andtearswer e
cloudingmyeyessobadasIpul ledoutofour
drivewayintothepathwayt hatleadt ot hemain
road.Thepat hisalwaysal i
ttl
edi ffi
culttonavigat
e,
consideri
ngyoucan’ treal
lyseewhat ’scomi ngon
theothersideunlesstheyhadt heirli
ght son.
Iwasj usti
narushtof
indAntonethatImadethat
cur
batsuchspeedIdidn’tevenseetheHarl
ey
makingi t
stur
nint
oourcompoundunt i
lIhear
da
l
oudt hud…
Myhear
tst
oppedasIst
aredatt
hegr
uesomescene
unf
oldbef
oremyeyes…whatchancesdoesaHar
ley
st
andagai
nstaJeep?God,noplease…no!
*
***
***
***
REMEMBERTOLI
KEANDCOMMENT
[
04/
15,
07:
46] :SDLUDLA:25
Isatattheedgeoft hebedholdingTone’shand,
watchinghisexcit
ementwi thsadness,whywould
hethinkIwaspr egnant,
andhowwoul dhimfindi
ng
outI’
m notaffecthi
m?Il ovedseeinghimthis
opti
mi st
icinsuchasituati
onandIr eal
lydi
dwi shI
waspr egnant.
TONE:(
smi
li
ng)Yout
hinkI
’
m cr
azy,
huh?
ME:Tone,baby…howwoul dyouknowIam
pregnanti
fIhavenoteventakenapr
egnancyt
est
yet?
TONE:Rememberthatbloodt
estwedidtochecki
f
youhadathyr
oidcondi
tionwhenyoustarted
worr
yingyouweregai
ningweightagai
n..
.
ME:Yea,
afewweeksback,thelabwassupposed
t
osendtheresul
tsi
nmailbecauseIdi
dn’
thave
t
imet
ocol
lectt
hem…
TONE:Iuhm…t heycamei nt hemai l…Icheckedt he
mailboxonmywayoutandt ookal lthemai lwit
h
met otheboxingar ena.For gotitthereforaf ew
days…thatdaywhenIl eft,whenIwasangr y…Iwent
totheboxingar ena.Afterwar dswhenIwas
shower i
ngIsawt hemai landonl ythenInot i
cedthe
l
abr esult
s…tur
nsoutyoudon’ thaveat hyr
oi d
conditi
on…
ME:(
gri
nni
ngsohar
d)I
’
mjustpr
egnant
…
TONE:(ki
ssingmyhand)Thatmeansyouar
e7
weekspregnantnow,whenIsawi
ttwoweeksago
bef
ore…well
, i
tsai
dyouwere5weeks.
Ididaqui
ckmentalcount.EventhoughIhadused
acondom wi
thKago…t hatwaswaymor ethan7
weeksago…Isi
ghedinr eli
ef.Iwoul
dn’
tbeablet
o
takeonemor
ethingfrom Toneatall
.ThankGod!
ME:(smili
ng)sowearereall
yhavingababy,huh?
(henodded)Ipromi
seyouTone, I
’
m goingt
ot ake
thebestcareofmysel
fthi
stimearound,weare
goingtohavetheheal
thi
estbabyever!
TONE:Yougoi
ngt
otonedownont
hewor
kout
s?
ME:Fuckthem, i
ftheyj
eopardi
zeourbaby,
then
f
uckit…I
’
llgetfati
fIhaveto,
mymanl ovesmeno
matt
erhowIl ookanyway.
Hi
ssmi l
ecoul
dli
ter
all
yli
ghtar
oom ashepul
ledme
cl
oserandki
ssedme.
TONE:Ireal
lydo,
Lett
y.Iloveyouf oryou.Howyou
l
ookhasnothingtodowithanything.Ifel
linl
ove
wit
hthesweetgir
lwhobr oughtthecleaningl
ady
cof
feebackinSouthAfr
ica.
ME:(laughi ng)Youwer espyi ngonmei nthe
changingr oomsyouper v!Iloveyousomuch
Antone.I’m notgoi ngtochangeover ni
ghtandbe
thi
sconf identwomanwhol ovesherbodynomat ter
what.Mybodyi nsecuri
ti
esar edeepr ootedfrom
yearsofbei ngtoldIwasnotgoodenoughbecause
Iwasf at…andi nsteadoffacingi tIj
ustchangedi t
.
Nomat t
erhowIl ooked,howmuchwei ghtIlostand
howmanyr unwaysIwasi n…t opbil
lboards,i
nsideI
wasst i
lljustthisli
ttl
efatgir
lwhoatpr i
mar yschool
hermot hert ol
dhershecoul dn’ tent
ertheschool
beaut
ypageantbecausei
t’
sforbeaut
if
ulgi
rl
s,not
fatgi
rl
s.
TONE:Thatwasashi
tt
ythi
ngt
osayt
oachi
ld…
ME:Iknow…butbecauseitwasmymot her
,I
beli
evedit
.Isomewhatst
illbel
ievei
t.Idon’
tlooki
n
themirr
orandseebeauti
ful…
TONE:Thenyouar
eaf
ool
.(Hesai
d,t
ippi
ngmychi
n
andki
ssingme)
ME:Thankyouf
orl
ovi
ngmest
il
l…
*
***
***
Tonelaidi
nthehospi talr oom lookingatt heceil
ing.
Nope,heavenswer en’tthatcr uel
…ther ewasnoway
thechil
dwasAxel ’
s.Pl usLet tysaidi tonly
happenedonce,theni ghtbef orehecamebackf rom
theUS,whichmeansi twasagoodt hreemont hs
ago.Andlett
ywasonl y7weekspr egnant .Hehad
tobeli
eveher…beli
evet hatsheonl ysl eptwithhi
m
once…heavencouldn’tbet hatcruel,notevent othe
l
ikesofhim.He’dlostnotj usthiscar eer,buthi
sleg,
thechil
dwast hesilverlininginthisdar kcloud.
Chasewal
kedi
nandsati
nthebed.
CHASE:Howar
eyouf
eel
ing?
TONE:Likeshit
?Myl eghurtsl
ikeabitch,
andI’
m
st
il
lpr
ocessingt hewholecripplet
hing.Myarti
fi
cial
l
egcameyest erday,checkitout…(Hepointedt
othe
si
deofthebedwher et helegstood).
CHASE:Icamei nyester
dayandyouwerebusy
l
oveydoveywith…her…Ican’
tst
andtol
ookather.
Shetr
iedtoki
llmybabybr ot
her.
TONE:Honestly,
youpeopl
eneedtoquiti
t,Let
ty
didn’
ttr
ytoki
llme.I
twasanaccident
.Iwasr i
ding
reckl
essl
yandshewasemot i
onal
.
CHASE:Howar
eyousocal
m aboutt
his?
TONE:Woul dyourat
herIlosemyshi tandstar
ta
self
-pi
typar
ty?Blamemywi feanddr i
veheraway
withst
upidideaswhenshei stheonepersonIwant
themostbesidemeinthisdiff
icul
tti
me?Youwant
met oloseawifeontopoflosi
ngal eg,huh?
CHASE:Iwasn’
t…
TONE:No,
fuckyouandt
her
estoft
hef
ami
lyChase,
Iknowyouhaveal lbeencoldtoherandyouneed
tocutitout.Lett
yismywi feandIloveher .Sheis
fragil
eandalreadyblamesher sel
fforthi
s,she
doesn’tneedy’al
lself-
ri
ght
eousbi t
chesonhercase.
Youkeept hisup,anyofyou, keepitupandI ’
m
takingherandmovi ngtotheUSanyou’ l
lneverhear
from meagai n.
CHASE:I’
m sor
ry,
Ijustfeell
ike…I
…shecheatedon
youandthenhi
tyouwi t
hacar …doesn’
tsoundli
ke
acoi
ncidencet
ome…
TONE:Ihavehur tLettytoo.Hurtherbadl
y,andshe
forgaveme.Whenshedi dn’tevenhavereasonto
becauseshedi dn’
tknowme.Myr el
ati
onshipwith
mywi fei
soursalone.Ineedyouguyst osupport
mer ightnowbecauseI ’
m goingthroughhell
.I’
m
tryi
ngt obestr
ongf ormywi febecauseIknowshe
i
sf all
ingapar
t…Icouldn’
tbeart ohaveanythi
ng
happent oherandthebaby…
CHASE:Baby?
TONE:Sheispregnantandyesi
t’
smine,bef
oreyou
st
artt
hatshi
t.Please,
Chase…s'
ilt
eplaî
t,mon
frèr
e…s' i
lvouspl ai t…Ineedyou( hewipedat earat
thecor nerofhi seye)Yes, whenIwokeupf r
om the
comaIwasr esent f
ul .Iwant edtokil
lmysel f…I
didn’tseelifeasacr ipple.Ihatedeverything,even
Letty…blamedher ,butyouknowwhat , Il
ovet hat
woman, Ican’tst aymadatherf orl
ong.AndIknow
Lettylovesme.Pl easeChase, t
alkt
ot he
fami l
y…maket hem r ealisethiswasanacci dent,and
helpt hem forgive…Let tylostherfamil
y, andour
fami l
ybecameher s,fort hem torej
ecthert oo…she
can’ttakeanymor eoft hat…pleaseChase, Inever
askedyouf oranyt hingi nmyl if
ebefor e…
CHASE:I …uhm…ok, I’
l
lseewhatIcando…I ’l
ltal
kto
them…youknowmamanandpapa, theyneverhold
grudges,Ninamaybeal itt
lehar
dertoconvince
becauseshei ssoover prot
ecti
veofyou,butshewil
l
comear oundt oo.Congratsonthebaby.Ifound
Axelandcal l
edhiml i
keyouaskedmet o…hesaid
he’l
lbeherear oundnow.
TONE:Thankyou.I
treal
lymeansal
otman.
*
***
**
Kagowalkedint
othehospit
alshakinghishead.
Whatwasheevendoi nghereandwhatt hehelldi
d
AntoneCroswantwit
hhim.Aftereveryt
hingthe
bastar
ddidtohi
m.
Hewalkedintot
heroom,noti
cingthear
ti
fi
ciall
eg.
Nomatterthebast
ardTonewas, hedi
dn’
tdeserve
t
his…hereall
ydi
dfeelf
orhim.
TONE:Youcame.
KAGO:Youcal
led.
TONE:Iwant
edt
oapol
ogi
se…
KAGO:(l
aughi
ng)Apologize?Reall
y?Forwhat,
Ant
one?Forwhat?Steal
ingmyf iancée?Tarni
shi
ng
mynameandt aki
ngmybestf ri
endawayf rom me?
What?
TONE:Everything…I
’m sorr
yaboutDor a…hardto
beli
eveasitis,shecameont ome.Ihaveal ways
hadinsecuri
tiesAxel
,youknowt hat.Sincehigh
school
.Iwasal waysal i
tt
lejeal
ousofyou.You
werethissexyhunkandIwast hiswil
lowyawkwar d
ki
d.Iwantedt obeyou…popul ar
,fi
tt
ingin…and
basket
ballgavemet hat…Dorawasj ustthelastst
ep
i
ntr
yingt
obeyou.
KAGO:Soyoursobst or
yissupposedtomake
everyt
hingok?Youweremybestf ri
endTone!We’ ve
beenfri
endssincewewer esix,
youwerethefi
rstt o
reachouttothenewli
tt
leblackkidi
nkinder
garten!
Youwer eli
ter
all
ymybrother!
TONE:I’m sor
ry…butI ’
m notsor
ryyoudi dn’
tmar r
y
Dora.Sheisavi perandshewasusi ngyou.I’m gl
ad
Ibr
oket hi
ngsf oryoubeforeyoumar r
iedher.The
onl
yt hi
ngI’m sorryaboutishowIdidit.Thatgi
rlis
badnews…
KAGO:(laughi
ng)Yup,
sheki
ndai
s,i
sn’
tshe?Idon’
t
evenknowhowshehadmesohookedbl i
ndl
y.
TONE:(
laughi
ng)Gi
rlcandothi
ngsi
nbedt
hatcan
makeamanl osehi
smi nd.
KAGO:Damn…Iknow,
right
…
TONE:Yousl
eptwi
thmywi
fe…wast
hatr
evenge?
KAGO:Getoveryour
sel
f…Il
oveLerot
hodi,
always
di
d.I
twasneveraboutyou.Andyoulef
ther,you
pi
eceofshi
t.Youknowhowf r
agi
leLett
yis.
TONE:Iknow,
itwasbadofme…shei
spr
egnant
…7
weeks.
KAGO:Thenit’
sdefi
nit
elynotmi
ne.Lookman,
it
wasonlyoncethatt
imethreemont
hsagoandI
usedr
ubber.
TONE:Eww,Idon’
twannahearaboutyouf
ucki
ng
mywife,
Axel…
KAGO:(
laughi
ng)Sorr
y…buthowareyoudoi
ng
man,wi
ththewhole…(hel
ookedathi
samput
ated
l
eg)
TONE:Somedaysar ebadsomear egood.Let t
yand
thebabygi vemest r
ength…thefamilyi
sstil
ltri
ppi
ng.
ButLettyisnotdoingsogoodman…shei s
suici
dal…shetri
edtoputonabr avefaceearl
ier
today…butIknowher ,sheisblaminghersel
fforall
thi
s…I ’
m goingtobest ucki
nher eforabit
,andshe
needsaf ri
end.Iknowhowcl oseyoutwoare…
KAGO:shi
t…I
…uhm…whatdoyouwantmet
odo?
TONE:Visitherf
rom t
imetoti
meandt al
k…hel
pher
under
standitwasanaccident
…shecomest ot
he
hospi
talandshehasme, butwhenshegoesback
homeshei salone…please,myman…Iknow
somewher edeepbeneaththeshi
tweputeach
othert
hrough,wearestil
lbrot
her
s…
KAGO:( si
ghing)Youar
easkingforalot…butok…
alr
ight,
visi
ti
nghoursareover,
thenursehasbeen
passingbyandgi vi
ngmetheevileyeforabitnow.
I’
l
ltrymyman…andapol ogyaccepted.
TONE:Di
tt
oo.
..
andAxe?
KAGO:Yea?
TONE:(
laughi
ng)Tr
ynott
osl
eepwi
thmywi
fe
pl
ease?
KAGO:( l
aughingandfli
ppinghim)Fuckyou!Get
wellsoon,youhaveal i
tt
lebast
ardonthewayt o
rai
se,sonosel f
-pi
tyshi
t,ok?Seeyah.
*
***
***
**
REMEMBERTOLI
KEANDCOMMENT
[
04/
15,
07:
46] :SDLUDLA:24
Iparkedri
ghtatthecurbandflewoutoft
hecart o
hi
sbodyl ayingl
impintheroad.Themotorbi
kewas
atthesideinaheap,andheseemedt ohaveblood
f
lowi
ngever
ywher
e.
ME:Antone…Ant
one!Babepl
ease…(Tearswel
led
downmyeyesasIlookedhim over
,notknowi
ng
real
lywhatt
odo)
Ipulledoutmyphoneandcal ledforan
ambul ance…bythetimetheyarr
ivedhewasal ready
unconsci ousandIwascoveredwi t
hbloodallover
from hugginghisli
mpbodyont hegr ound.Ir
ode
wi t
hhim ont heambulanceandhewasi mmediatel
y
rushedt osurger
y.
Ifeltsoalonesit
ti
ngonthecorridor
swai t
ing.I
wishedIhadsomeonet ocall…buthowt hehelldoI
callhisparent
s,whatdoItel
lthem?Ihityoursome
withacarandnowhei sfi
ghti
ngf orhi
slif
e?Af t
er
al
lt hoserumoursofmecheat i
ngandall?I twould
al
llookt oosuspect.
TobehonestIwant edjustoneperson…myTone.I
wantedTonet obeher erightnowandf i
xever
ythi
ng
l
ikehealwaysdi d.Butofcour sehewaslayi
ngona
hospit
algurneywi t
hfourdoct orswor
kingonhim as
hefoughtforhisli
fe.
Theonlyotherpersonwhoeverevencamecloset o
makingmef eelbett
erbesi
deTonewasKago.I
wishedKagowoul dcomebyandt el
lmeitwil
lallbe
ok…healwayshadawayofmaki ngmefeelbet
ter.
Andwhatdoyouknow?Fatedoeslookoutforthe
l
ikesofmesometi
mes!Il
ookedupt ot
heloveli
est
greyeyesst
ari
ngdownatmewithconcern.
KAGO:Lett
y…Ler
othodi
,what
’swr
ong,
whatar
eyou
doi
nghere?Areyouok?
LikeIhadj
ustconj
uredhi
m outofmymi
nd.My
knighti
nshi
ningar
mourasusual.
KAGO:Ler
othodi
…pl
ease…what
’swr
ong?
Hehuggedmeandpat t
edmybacksoot hi
ngl
yasI
cri
edonhisshoul
derunt
ilIwasf
inal
lycal
m enough
tospeak.
ME:Ihi tTonewit
hmycar …Idi
dn’tmeanto…I’
m so
sorry…wewer efi
ghti
ngandhest or
medof fandI
wassosadandcr yi
ng…Ididn’
tevenseehisbike…I
didn’tmeanto…
Hewhi
sper
edi
nmyearsoot
hingl
y,pat
ti
ngmy
back…
KAGO:Ofcourseyoudidn’
t.I
t’
sok,
he’
l
lbeok…i
t’
s
okLet
ty…youarefi
ne…
ME:Whatareyoudoi
ngher
e…Iwasj
ustt
hinki
ng
aboutyou…
Hesmi
ledt
hatbonemel
ti
ngdevast
ati
ngsmi
leof
hi
s.
KAGO:Ihavepsychi
cpower
sofknowi
ngwhenyou
needme…
Ismil
edali
tt
le…see,
Itol
dyouhecoul
dal
ways
cheermeup.
KAGO:Itwist
edmyf ootatf
utsalandIwant
edt
o
checki
feveryt
hingwasok…
ME:Ar
eyouok?
KAGO:Yup…haveyoucal
ledhi
sfami
ly?
ME:Idon’
tknowhowto…whati
ftheyar
emadat
me…Imean,wit
hther
ecentr
umourandever
ythi
ng…
KAGO:Youhaveto,Let
ty,
theydeser
vet
o
know…pl
easecal
lthem.
Isi
ghedandt
ookoutmyphone.
*
***
***
**
Antone’
sparentsandsi
blingsar ri
vedt
henextday,
andtheywereobviousl
yst i
ll
notovertherumours
ofmecheating.Ihadafeeli
ngt heyknewIhad
cheatedandTonewasj ustshieldi
ngme.
Hismot herhuggedmewarmlyandtoldmeIwoul
d
beok,buthissibli
ngwer
eallt
oocold.Chase
walkedovertomewi t
harmsfoldedacrosshi
s
chest.
CHASE:Wasi tdel
iber
ate?Di
dyout rytokil
lmy
br
othersothatyoucanbewi thyourlover
?Iknow
hewaswi t
hyoui nthehospi
talyest
erday.
ME:What
,I…
Hehandedmehi sphoneandanI nstagr
am gossip
pageal
readyhadapi ct
ureofmesi t
ti
ngwit
hKago
onthehospi
talbenches,hol
dinghandsasIsmiled.
ME:Damn…
NINA:Yea,
damn!Iwasroot
ingforyouLet
ty,
Ireall
y
l
ikedyoubecausemybr
otherl
ovesyouwithallhi
s
hear
t…howcoul
dyou?
ME:I
twasanacci
dent
,IswearIdi
dn’
tmeant
o…I
di
dn’
tseehi
m…
CHASE:Tonecalledmeyester
daymorning,
hesaid
youdidn’
tlovehi
m andwerebusycryi
ngfor
anotherman…whydidn’
tyoujustdumphiminst
ead
oftr
yingtokil
lhi
m?
Iwatchedast hedoctor
scameoutf rom sur
gery
andbriefedt
hef amil
y.Ifel
tli
keanoutsi
deast hey
al
lhurdledaroundthedoctor,l
eavi
ngmeouti nthe
col
d.Likehewasn’ tmyhusband.
DOCTOR:Hei sbadl yinj
ured,buthewil
lsurvi
ve.
Thereissomespi naldamage, andhesuff
ered
severalannulartearsandinjuri
estothespi
naldi
sc
andthef acetjoi
nt.
MRCROS:Wi llheeverwalkagain?Hei
sa
pr
ofessi
onalbasket
ballpl
ayer…
DOCTOR:I twillbeaverylongroadtorecover
y,
whichwecannotguar ant
ee,andevenifhedoes
ful
lyrecover,
Idon’tseehim everpl
ayi
ngagain…we
hadtot akeanexecutivedeci
siontoamputatehi
s
l
eftl
egasIwasbadl
yinj
uredbeyondr
epai
r…
Icr umpl edt othefl
oorcr ying.Ihadt akenTone’ sli
fe
from hi m.Basket ballwashi slife,helovedi tmore
thanhel ovedhi mself,andj ustwhenhehadgot ten
backt oplayingagain, It
ooki tawayf rom him.IfI
hadevert houghtIhat edmysel finlif
e, i
twas
not hingcompar edtowhatIwasf eel
ingr i
ghtnow.
Ut terdespi se.Towardsmysel f.Ididn’tblame
Tone’ sfami l
yasnoonebot heredwi thmewhi l
eI
criedont hef l
oor.MrCr osescor t
edacr yi
ngMr s
Cr ost othecar ,t
heirchil
drenf ollowingbehi nd,
as
theyal lleftmecr yi
ngsi tt
ingont hefloor.
*
***
***
Theonl ythingthatwaskeepi ngmei ntactwas
maki ngsureTonewasok.Icameever yday
fait
hfull
yfortheent ir
et woweeks, andhi sfamil
y
alwaysf oundmet here.Kagocheckedonme
somet imesandwassuchagr eathelp, nott
hat
anythinglessenedt heloatheIfel
tt owar dsmyself
.
ButIowedTonet obebyhi ssi
deunt ilhe
recovered…otherwiseIwoul dhave…
Iwal
kedi
ntot
hehospit
alandmademywayt
owar
d
theI
CUwhenthenur
secall
edoutt
ome.
NURSE:Hehasbeenmovedfr
om ICU,Mr
sCr
os…he
i
sawakeandhasbeenaski
ngforyou.
Ishiveredatt
hethoughtoffacingTone.WhatdoI
sayt ohim?Mylegsf el
tsoheavyasItookeach
steptowardstheroom thenursedi
rectedmeat.I
stoppedatthedoor.Hewasnownotconnect edto
machi nes,
butsti
lll
ookedweak.
Herai
sedhiseyest
olookatmeandt
henhadt
he
br
oadestsmil
eonhisface…
Howcouldheevensmil
eatme?Maybet
heyhad
nott
oldmeabouttheamput
ati
onyet
…
ANTONE:(
smi
li
ngweakl
y)wel
l
,ar
eyougoi
ngt
o
comei
n?
Tearswel
leddownmyf
acehar
dandf
astandIwas
shaki
ngsobadly.
ANTONE:Hey…heynow, comeon, not
tears…Let
ty…pl
ease!Ler
othodi!St
opcrying
please…youknowIcan’ttakeyourtear
s,itbr
eaks
myhear
t…
ME:I
’
m sosor
ry…
ANTONE:Becauseyoumeantt osendmef lyi
ngof f
myHar l
eywithyourjeep,
r i
ght?Gi
rl
,noapologise!I
t
wasanaccident.Comeoverher eandgiveyour
husbandahug.I’dcomet heremysel
f…but,onl
yone
l
egandal l(
helaughed)
ME:You…youknow?
ANTONE:Abouttheamputati
on?Myl egsar
emy
tr
ade…ofcauseIcheckedf
orthem f
ir
stthemoment
Iwokeup…
ME:I ’
m sosorr
yTone…youwillneverpl
ayballagai
n
becauseofme…. It
ookyourl
if
eaway…It ook
everyt
hingfr
om you…
Icr
ieduncontr
oll
abl
y…Tonepushedt hebedbutt
on
toprophi
mselftoaseati
ngposit
ion,
thenpul
ledme
byhandtositonthebed,andhuggedmeasIcr i
ed
onhisshoul
der.
ME:It
ookeveryt
hingfr
om you…IfeelsobadIj
ust
wannadi
e…Ican’tgoonTone…Ican’tli
vewi
thwhat
Ididtoyou…I…Iwanttodie…(Icoul
dbarelygetour
worldbetweensobs,butTonejusthuggedme
ti
ghterandkissedmyhair)
ANTONE:Don’ tsayt hat…pleasedon’
teversay
that…youdidn’
tt akeanyt hingfr
om me…Ihave
everythi
ngIneedr ighthere…neverevertal
kof
dyingagain,under stand?(Nowt her
eweret ear
sin
hiseyes)
ME:Ican’
tli
vewi
thmysel
fTone…
ANTONE:Yout hinkyoudidmebad?YeaIl ostaleg.
Hurtslikeamot herf
ucker
,bothemoti
onall
yand
physically…buthowdoyouexpectmet oli
veifI
l
osemyhear t,
hmmm…mont resor
?Becausethatis
whatwi llhappeni fyoudi
e,Lett
y…youaremy
heart
…
ME:I
…Ican’
tTone…I
…yest
erdayIt
riedto…I
…I
want
edtomakesureyouareokfi
rst…
HeavytearsrandownmycheeksasIf inall
yvoiced
thedarkthought
sthathadbeenhauntingmet he
pasttwoweeks…Iwasextremelysui
cidalandon
theedge…everydayIl
ookedatTonewi thallt
hose
machi
nesconnectedt
ohim…ever yt
imeIfixed
t
hoseblanket
sandfel
tthatstumpwher ehisleg
wassupposedtobe…Icouldn’tgoon.Ihadtodie.
ANTONE:Pl ease…Let
ty…pleaseIbegyou…donotdo
anythi
ngstupidbecauseIwi l
ldi
et oo…please
promiseme…ot her
wiseI’
llri
poffthisfucking
machinesandcomehomewi thyour i
ghtnowt o
keepguardonyou…
ME:Youl
ostever
ythi
ngbecauseofme…
ANTONE:(smil
ing)Ididn’
tloseeveryt
hing,you
dumbwoman…Ihaveever ythi
ngIneed.Basketball
i
ssomet hi
ngIlove,
butiti
snotwhoIam, i
tdoes
notdefi
neme.I’vel
ivedwithouti
tbefore.I
’
lldojust
fi
ne.Youandthebaby…youar eallIneed.
Ohshit
…theydi
dsayhemayhavesomememor
y
l
oss…howdoItellhi
m wel
ostt
hebaby?
Hel
ookedatmypani
ckedf
aceandl
aughed.
ANTONE:Iknowwelostourfir
stbaby, dummy…(
he
l
aughed)youar
epregnantagai
n…Let ty…Thati
s
whatIwasinahur
rytocomet ellyout hat
ni
ght…t
hat’
swhyIrodesorecklessly…Iwasso
exci
ted…wear
ehavi
ngababy…
Ist
aredathiminconf
usi
onashehuggedmetight
ly,
l
aughingexcit
edl
yandhummingBonJovi
’
s‘Li
ving
onAPr ayer
’.
ANTONE:Comeongi
rl
…singwit
hme…It
hought
youwer
ethegr
eat
estBonJovif
an?
We’
vegot
tahol
dont
owhatwe’
vegot
I
tdoesn’
tmakeadi
ff
erencei
fwemakei
tornot
We’
vegoteachot
herandt
hat
’sal
ot
Forl
ovewe’
l
lgi
vei
tashot
Ok,nowIknewhewasl osi
nghismi nd.Hi
m singi
ng
BonJovii nthi
ssituat
ionwasthelastthi
ngI
expected.Whatkindofhall
ucinogenswerethey
havinghim onnow?Whywoul dhet hi
nkIwas
pregnant,andevenifIwas,howwoul dheknow
whent hiswasnewst ome?
*
***
***
*
REMEMBERTOLI
KEANDCOMMENT
[
04/
15,
07:
46] :SDLUDLA:
26
Kagovi sitedregul arl
ythenextf ewdays, and
somet i
mesI ’dfindhim att hehospitaltoo.Hewas
real
lyhel pingwi thTone.IknewTonewassuf f
eri
ng,
butputtingabr avef r
ontf ormeandt hef amil
y.I’
d
snuckonhi m andKagoandl i
stenedt otheir
conversat i
ons.Wi thhim hewasr awandr eal
.His
fears…hi sanger ,everything.Iwassogl adhehad
hisbestf riendbackandhewashel pinghi m deal
withthi
ngs.
Hewasdi schargedfrom t
hehospi
talamonthlater,
andhewasj ustgetti
ngthehangofusinghis
prost
heti
cleg.Themedi awashavi
ngsuchaf i
eld
daywithourstory.HowItriedt
oki
llhi
m, bl
ahblah…
Hi
sfamil
ywasst i
llangr
yatmeal so.SowasKago’s
f
amil
y.Theyfel
tli
keIplayedhim.Itwasl
iket
he
whol
eworldwasjustagainstmeexceptf
orthese
t
wo.
AndI’m notgonnalie,
itwasget t
ingtomeal ot
.It
didl
ookl i
kehowt heywer eputt
ingit
.Whatwould
youthinkifyoursonorbr ot
her’
swifecheat
edon
him,andnotsol ongafterhi
tthenwithacar?Iknow
I’
dbesuspi ci
oustoo.
Plusmywei ghtwasj ustgoingsky-hi
gh.Some
people,
Iguess,li
keme, justgai
nwei ghtl
ikecr azy
atthesmall
estthing.SureIwaspr egnant,butal ot
ofpeopledon’tgainasmuchwei ghtasIalready
hadbeforeevenf ourmonthspregnancy.Ever ything
wasjusttoomuch
Aretherepeoplewhoar ejustnotmeantt obe
happy?BecauseIt hi
nkI’m oneofthem.I’vealways
hadinsecuri
ti
esandhat edmysel f
.Ithoughtit
wouldendnowt hatIwasani nter
nati
onal
model…butnoooo…Iwasst i
llj
usttheli
tt
lefatgir
l
thatot
herslaughedatwhenmyadul tsizedt-shi
rt
showedmybel lyatthetenderageof10.
Isatinthebathroom downst
air
scryingj
ustt
hinki
ng
abouteveryt
hing…whenTonywal kedinf
rom hi
s
chir
opractor
.
Iqui
ckl
ywi
pedmyt
ear
sandputonasmi
le,
goi
ng
outt
omeethi
m,
TONE:You’
vebeencr
ying,
haven’
tyou?
ME:Me?Cr
ying?WhatdoIhavet
ocryabout
,Ihave
al
ovi
nghusbandandababyontheway…
TONE:Pleasedon’tdothi
sLetty…don’
tshutmeout.
Youarehurti
ng,Icanseeit,
letmebethereforyou.
ME:No,Iam t
heonewhoneedst obet
her
efor
you…Imean,
youjustwentt
hrough…
TONE:Youdon’ tneedtodoshit…youjustfocuson
gett
ingbett
er,
andImeanment all
ytoo.Iknowyou
aredoingever
ythingpossi
blephysical
lytokeepour
babyhealt
hy,butstressi
sjustasbadt oo…
ME:Ohwow, lookwhoissuddenlyaobst
etr
ici
an.
Threeweeksi
nt hehospi
talandyouknowal
labout
babyheal
thy,
huh?
TONE:Let
typl
ease…
ME:Don’tyou‘
Lett
ypl
ease…’me,Tone…you
pr
obablyhatemethewayyourfamil
yhatesme…t
he
wayeveryonehat
esme…
TONE:Idon’
that
eyou…
ME:Why?I’
mthereasonyoulostever
ythi
ng…you
oncet
oldmethatbasket
bal
lwasyoureveryt
hing…
TONE:Yea,att
hatt
imeIdi
dn’
thaveyouasmi
ne
then,
didI
?
ME:Whyaren’
tyoumadatme, Tone?Whydon’t
youhat
emer i
ghtnow?Isthi
ssomej edimi
ndtr
ick
sor
toft
hingyouarepl
aying?What’
syourgame?
Iwentoffandoffonhi
m,cal
li
nghim namesand
screamingatt
hetopofmylungswhil
ehejust
stoodther
esmili
ng.
ME:Youf
indt
hisf
unny?Myemot
ionsar
efunnyt
o
you?
Hepull
edmetohischestandj
usthuggedmef
or
et
erni
tyandt
hensome.
TONE:I t
’snotfunny…it’
sjustsuchareli
eftosee
youfinal
lyleteveryt
hingout…youholdinsomuch
Ler
othodi…from theangerwi t
hyourparents,
Axel
,
me,myf ami l
y…yourfriend…God…somuchanger
andfrustrat
ion…youcan’ tbefreeofi
tifyoudon’
t
l
etitout.
Whatdi
dIeverdot
odeser
vet
hismant
hough?
Ismiledamidstt
ear
sasheki
ssedmyf
oreheadand
whisperedi
nmyear …
TONE:Il
oveyou,
Ler
othodi
…notbecauseof
anythi
ngbutwhoyouar e.Youarebeaut
if
ul,
insi
de
andout…andIwantt ohealyousomuch…Iwantto
takeawayallt
hehurtthathasbeendoneto
you…star
ti
ngwithwhatIdid.Ineverr
eal
ly
apologi
sed…
Hehel
dmyf aceonhi
shands,
andIcoul
dseehe
hadt
earsi
nhiseyes…
TONE:I ’
m sorr
yf ordr
uggingyouandf or
cing
myselfonyou.Ideser vepuni
shment,butIaskfor
yourforgi
veness…I ’
m sorr
yfortr
eati
ngyou
badl
y…f orl
eavingandmaki ngyousodesperatethat
i
tcompr omisedyourmor als,
andIknowyouhave
morals.I’
m sorryforr
uini
ngyourfri
endshipwit
h
Axel,
Iknowhowmuchhemeanst oyou…
ME:Tonepl
ease…t
hat
’st
hepast
…
TONE:Doyouf
orgi
veme?
Inoddedandhepul
ledmecl
oserandki
ssedme.
TONE:Pl
easel
etmehearyousayi
t.
Il
ovedToneandIhadbeensur
eIhadf orgave
hi
m…butunti
lheapol
ogi
sed…unti
lIheardthose
words…Ireal
izedj usthowmucht hewayourf i
rst
meetingstar
tedhadi mpact
edme.DeepdownIhad
somehowbel ievedhej ustl
ovedmef orthepr
estige
ofdatinganinternati
onalmodel…Iwasjustanother
tool
….NowIf inallysawitdif
fer
entl
y.Hisgenuine
l
ove.
ME:Iforgiveyou,
Ant
one…andt
hankyouf
or
apol
ogising.
TONE:AnddoyouknowwhatIt
hink?
ME:Yea?
TONE:It hi
nkweneedt oaddr
esst
herootof
everyt
hingthatcausedyousomuchhurt
…you
parent
s…
ME:Youknowt
heywantnot
hingt
odowi
thme.
TONE:Theyar
ehur
t,Let
ty…t
heyf
eelbet
rayed.
ME:Soyouaredefendi
ngthem?Forthr
owi
ngme
outandnotbot
heri
ngtocometomywedding?Not
evenakindwordwhenIlostmybaby?
TONE:(chuckli
ng)Calm down,
tiger
…I’
m notsaying
theyar
eright…I’
mj ustsayi
ngyourangert
owar ds
t
hem wi
llal
wayshol
dyoupr
isonunt
ilyoul
eti
tgo…
ME:Iwi
llneverf
orgi
vet
hem…whyshoul
dI,
they
t
hrewmeout …
TONE:Youf orgi
vef oryourownsake, Lett
y!Ithi
nk
weshoul dgot oBot swana.What everyouhavet o
do,makeyourpar entssi tdownandl ist
entoyour
si
deoft hings.Letthem maket heirdecision
aft
erwards, butmakesur et heyunder st
and…the
hurtthecausedyou, whatyou’ vebeent hrough,
everythi
ng.Iftheyst i
lldon’twantt omakepeace, at
l
eastyouwi l
lbefree.You’ llknowt hatit
’snotyou,
i
t’
st hem.Come, MrsCr ous,letmegi vemypr egnant
wifeamassage…Ist i
llcan’tbelievewehaveanot her
shotatbeingpar ents, I
’m soexci ted.
[
04/
15,
07:
47] :SDLUDLA:27
Tonewasr i
ght,
Ineedt omakepeacewi th
everythi
nginmyl i
feifIwast ofindmyhappi l
yever
after
.Kagowaseasy, he’
dneverheldanygr udge
againstme.Wet al
kedl engthl
y,Iapologi
sedf or
alwaysusinghim asacr utchwheni twas
convenientforme,andhedeci dedtof or
give.
Welef
tforBotswanat
woweekslat
er.I
twasthe
mostnervewrecki
ngt
hingI
’
deverdone,andboy
wasIgladIhadTonecomewit
hmeont histr
ip.
West ayedinahotel,
andt henextdayIdecidedI
wantedt oseemypar entsonmyown.Kagodr ove
mether ethenwenttoshowTonear oundtown.I
coul
dt ellt
heywerebot hner
vousbecauset his
wholethiswithmypar entswasjustadisaster
wait
ingt ohappen.
Iwalkedtomymot her
’swor
kshopf
ir
st.Shesews
schoolunif
orms,
andIknewshewouldbethere
working.
Iknockedandt
henwal
kedi
n.
Sheturnedar
oundt
oseewhoi twast
hent
urned
backtoherworkwi
thoutawor
d.
ME:Hel
lo,
mot
her
…
Not
hing…
ME:Youcan’
tignor
emef
orever
…
Shekeptquietf
oralongti
me,butf
inal
lyaddr
essed
mewithoutevenlooki
ngatme.
MOTHER:Whatdoyouwant
,Ler
othodi
.
ME:Iwantt
otal
k.
MOTHER:Ihavenot
hingt
osayt
oyou…
ME:Wel l
,Ihaveplent
y,soyoucankeepqui etand
l
isten.FirstIwanttothankyouforrai
singbothmy
sisterandIwi t
hsomuchi nt
egr
ityandmor al
s.
MOTHER:Mor alsyouchuckedtot hedogsand
decidedtoparadearoundthewor ldinyour
panties…haveyounoshame, Lerothodi
?Imagesof
youwear ingonl
ypantiesareeverywhere!Bi
g
bil
lboards.
ME:Yea, well,
it’
sapat hIchoseformysel f
,mother.
Aresponsi bl
emot herwouldbehappyImade
somet hi
ngoutofmyl i
fedespiteyoubreakingmy
soulfrom chil
dhood.Icouldhavef al
lenpregnant
withfatherl
esschildr
enandbecameadr unk…been
aburdent oyouandf ather…butno,Ichosetomake
alegacyf ormyself.
MOTHER:Shameonyouandyourl
egacy.Youwer
e
r
aisedbet
ter
.
ME:Act uall
yIwasn’t.Iwasr ai
sedbyasel f-
hat i
ng
womanwi thdeeprootedinsecuri
tiesthatshe
transferredtome.Iwasr aisedbyawomanwho
toldmemodel li
ngwasf orbeaut i
fulgi
rlsonly,not
fatgirl
s.Iwasonl yten,mother!Youcal l
edmea
whor eforhavinghpsandboobsatt hir
teen,Idon’t
evenknowhowt hatwasaf aul
tofmi ne,Godmade
mewi ththisbodyafteral
l.
MOTHER:Ifyouar
egoi
ngt
oinsul
tme,
youmi
ght
aswel
lleave…
ME:Howcanyouhat eyourowndaught ersomuch?
Whatdi dIeverdot oyou?Waybef oremodel l
ing,I
neverfeltlovef rom you.If el
twor thlessand
i
nsecur e…peopl etookadvant ageofme…usedme,
becauseIdi dn’ thaveanysel f-wor t
h.Butyouknow
whatmot her?If oundt hatself-
wor th…Ilovemysel f
andhaveamanwhol ovesme.I ’
m mar r
iedandI ’
m
havingachi ld.Youremot i
onalabusenol onger
breaksme.If eelsomuchbet terthatI ’
vet ol
dyou
whatI ’
vewant edtosayf orsol ong.Ihopet ohavea
rel
ationshipwi thyoui fyouar ewi ll
ingt obebet ter,
butifyoudon’ twantt o, i
t’sokal so.Haveani cel i
fe.
Itookadeepbreat
handwalkedout
,feel
inga
thousandki
logr
amsli
ght
er.
Mymot herwastherootofal
lmyprobl
ems,and
knowi
ngIt ol
dherofthedamageshecaused,If
elt
somuchbet t
er.
*
***
***
Fat
herwoul
dbeatchur
chpr
epar
ingforasermon.I
wal
kedther
eandf
oundhimi
nthebackoffi
ce.
ME:Fat
her
…
FATHER:Ler
othodi
…youhavecomehome.
ME:Imi
ssedhome…
FATHER:Whydi
dn’
tyoucomesooner
?
ME:Yout
hrewmeout
…
FATHER:Yes…Iassumethatyoucomingback
meansyouar ereadyt
orepent
?Youwillt
alkt
oyour
peopl
eandhavet hosedi
sgust
ingi
magesofyours
removedfrom bi
ll
boar
dsandli
veali
fethatpl
eases
theLord…
Ir
oll
edmyeyesandpul
ledachai
r.
FATHER:IcamehomebecauseIwantmypar ent
s
back.Iam anadul
tandImakedecisionsofmyl i
fe.
Youdon’thavetoagr
eewit
hit
,justrespecti
t.
FATHER:Icannotr
especti
mmor al
ity.Whyar
eyou
her
eifyouarenotr
eadytorepent?
ME:Tot el
lyouwhatahypocr
iteyouare.Youknow,
forsuchalongti
meIfel
tguil
ty,l
ikeIhadbetr
ayed
youandmot her
…
FATHER:Youhave…
ME:Byli
vingmyl i
fe?Don’
tyoustandi
nthepul
pit
ever
ydaypreachi
ngforgi
veness?
FATHER:Youcannotf
orgi
vei
fsomeonei
snot
wil
li
ngt
orepent.
ME:Didn’tJesusChristhimselfsay‘ Hewi thoutsin
shoul
dcastt hefir
ststone.’Areyouwi thoutsin,
fat
her?Doyouhavear i
ghtt ojudgeme?Youar e
notworthytoleadpeopl eofGodi fyoucannotl ove
yourownchi l
d.IfIam lost,shouldn’tyou,li
ket he
goodShepar d,l
eavether estofthef locktofindme
andbringmebackhome?
FATHER:Youst
il
lremembert
heBi
ble…
ME:(
smi
li
ng)HowcanInot
,yout
aughtme…
Hetur
nedbacktohistabl
eandwasqui etf
ort
he
l
ongestt
ime.Isi
ghedandwalkedout.WhenI
r
eachedthedoor
,Iheardhi
m cal
laf
terme.
FATHER:Ler
othodi
…
Thenhebr
iskl
ywalkedovert
omeandpull
edme
i
ntoawarm bearhugl
ikeheusedt
owhenIwasa
chi
ld.
FATHER:Welcomebackhome, mydaughter…Iwil
l
probabl
yneverembraceorsuppor
tyourl
if
estyl
e,
butyouareri
ght,
I’
m ahypocri
teandali
arifI
cannotl
oveyoustil
l.
Hi
svoicebrokeashetal
ked…was…wasmyst
aunch
f
atherget
ti
ngemotional
?
HI
M: Imissedyou,
mydaught
er,
pleasecomef
or
di
nnertoni
ght.
*
***
***
*
Di
nnerwasali
tt
leawkwar
d.Ibr
oughtTonet
o
i
ntr
oducehi
mtomyf amil
y.Mymotherwasst
il
lnot
talki
ngtome,andmyf atherwastr
yingtofi
ndthe
rightthi
ngt
osay.Mysi sterwasali
tt
leconser
vat
ive
i
naski ngTonequest
ionsaboutFranceandtheUS
andNBA.
FATHER:So…youpl
ayi
nthosebi
gAmer
ican
teams…
TONE:Yessi
r…atl
eastIusedt
o.Ihaveanacci
dent
andl
ostmyfoot…
FATHER:Oh…sodoyouwork?Howdoyoui
ntend
ontaki
ngcar
eofmydaught
er?
TONE:Ihavebusi nesses,
sir
,andmayIaddt hat
Lerothodidoesnotneedt obet akencareof.Sheis
abr andofherownandhasherownmoney.Shei s
asmar t
,businesssavvyGodf eari
ngwomanj ust
l
iket heProverbs31woman.Your ai
sedherwel l
sir
.
Thankyou…
Ifyouwanttogetonmyf at
her’
sgoodside,quot
e
theBibl
e.Ri
ghtnowhewassmi l
ingf
rom eartoear
atTonetal
kingaboutPr
overbs.
FATHER:Aye,shei
sagoodgi
rl
,despi
teever
ythi
ng.
Shenevergavememuchtr
oubl
egrowingup.You
knowyoustillowemebr i
deprice.Iraisedyoua
good,Godfearingwomanandyout hinkyoucan
justt
akeher?(Helaughed…yes,myf atheract
ual
ly
l
aughed)
TONE:AndIam wil
li
ngt opayandamountyou’ll
chargemesir
…Idon’tknowtheact
ualprocess,
soif
youdon’tmi
ndIcouldgiveyoumyuncle’scont
acts
soyoucantalkt
ohim aboutit
.Herunshisown
pari
shinasmallFr
encht own.
FATHER:(
smi
li
ng)youruncl
eisapast
or?
TONE:Yessi
r.I
t’
sjustbutasmal
lvi
ll
agechur
ch…
FATHER:Nothingistoosmal lf
ort
heLord!Givehim
mycontact
sandl ethim cal
lmeandwewi lldiscuss
i
t.Iwantaproperweddingformygirl
.ThisSunday
youtwomustcomet ochurch.
TONE:I
twi
llbeapl
easur
e,si
r.
Ok,thatwentver ywell
,despi
temymother’
sstoic
sil
ence.AtleastTonehadmanagedt ocharm my
fat
hertooursi de,andtobehonest
,asmuchasI
wasr eadytowal kawaywhenIcameher e,
having
mypar entsinmyl if
ewouldbemuchbetter.Iwas
j
usthopi
ngmyfat
herwouldbeablet
oswaymy
mothert
oseet
hatIwasn’
tthespawnoft
hedevi
l
af
teral
l.
[
04/
15,
07:
48] :SDLUDLA28

Weslepti
nahot
elandeventhoughtherewasa
br
eakthr
oughwi
thmydad,Iwasstil
ldisappoi
nted
i
nmymom.
TONE:Hey, cheerup.
..somethi
nggoodcameoutof
thi
s..
.yourfatheri
swill
ingt
oseepasthi
s
j
udgement .
..
ME:Buteverywomanjustwoul
dli
ketohavethe
suppor
tofthei
rmom astheymarr
yandraise
chi
ldr
en.
TONE:Gi
vehert
ime,
shewi
llcomear
ound.
*
***
***

Tone’
sunclecont
actedmyuncleandthey
di
scussedaboutthem payi
ngmybri
deprice.He
hadaSouthAfri
canfri
endwhohelpedthem wit
h
t
hepr
ocessandi
twentsmoot
hly.
Ofcoursesomepeopl eweresideeyei ngmyf ather
fort
akingpar tinhisprodi
galdaught er’
sweddi ng,
butbei
nghi m,myf athert
urnedi tintoasermon
aboutforgiveness,acceptance,andl ovingothers
thewayChr i
stlovedus.Flawedbutver ymuch
l
oveable.Itwassuchapl easuret oat t
endthat
sermon,andi tdidshutupmostoft henaysayer s.
Wedecidedtohaveasmal lweddi
ngcer emonyin
Botswana.Iwasi
nt her
oom inthemor ningwi
thmy
auntshel
pingmegetdressed.IwishedIhadmy
motherli
keanyotherbr
ide.
Shewal
kedinandIbr
acedmysel
fforbei
ngt
old
howIwasgoingt
ohell
,bl
ah.
MOTHER:MayIspeakt
omydaught
erpl
ease?
Myauntsexcusedusandshecameandsatona
bedbesi
deme.
MOTHER:Idon’
that
eyou,
Ler
othodi
..
.Il
oveyou,
ver
ymuchso.
ME:(
looki
ngatmyf
eet
)Youhaveaf
unnywayof
showi
ngi
t,mot
her
.
MOTHER:Yousai dyourinsecuri
ti
escamef rom me.
Youwer eri
ght.
..Idi
dn’twantt obesoftonyou..
.the
worldi
sbrutalandIjustwant edtomakeyou
tough.
..makeyouhaveat hi
ckskin.Iguessit
backfi
red.
..
ME:Iwasali
tt
legir
l,ma!Ij
ustwantedmymot hert
o
t
ellmeIwaspret
tyli
keallt
heotherli
tt
legi
rl
s..
.
MOTHER:TobehonestIwasverydeadinsi
de
mysel
f.Iam.Soitsver
yhardt
ooff
eranyoneany
j
oyyoudon’thaveyour
sel
f.
ME:Whatdoyoumean?
Shesi
ghedandwentt
ost
andbyt
hewi
ndow.
MOTHER:Aswomen. .
.wecarrysomuchi nsi
deus.
Yetwear est
il
lexpectedtocar
rytheloadofother
s
too.Ourhusbands.
..ourchi
ldr
en..
.famil
ies.
ME:Youar
ebei
ngcr
ypt
icr
ightnowmot
her
.
MOTHER:Iwasmar r
iedat18.Liter
all
yjustyanked
outofmyf
ather
’shouseandbr oughttoa36year
ol
dman’shousetobehiswife.AmanIonl yknew
f
rom t
hepul
pitasmyPast
or.
ME:Idi
dn’
tknowyouwer
ear
ranged.
MOTHER:I fyouthinkyouwer eraisedinast r
ict
home...myfatheroncebeatmeupf or‘
l
ustingafter
men’whenhecaughtmel ooki
ngatt heneighbour’s
son.Theybroughtmet oyourf at
her’shouse.Allof
asuddenIwasaPast or’
swi f
e.Peopl ewerelooki
ng
uptomeandIwasn’ tevenhappyi nmyownhome.
Yearsofphysical
,emotionalandsexual abuse..
.
ME:Idon’
tunder
stand.
..f
athernever
..
.Imean.
..
MOTHER:Whet herIwasil
lorti
red..
.didn’twantt
o
ornot.Yourfat
herwouldforcehimselfonme.He
wil
ltel
lmeI ’
m notsubmissi
ve,henceIwasnot
Godly.ThatIwasabadmot her.
..he’
dhi tmeforit
.
ME:Ineversawanyoft
hat
..
.
MOTHER:Di
dyouexpectyourf
athert
ocal
lyout
o
wat
chwhenhewasrapingorbeati
ngmeup?
ME:I
’m sor
ry.
..Ijust
..
.youguyswer
esohappyand
al
wayspresentedaunitedf
ront
.
MOTHER:Yeswedi
d.Spokei
nonevoi
ce,
his.
ME:Ir
eal
lyt
houghtyouguyswer
esohappy.
MOTHER:Weneverwer e,t
hatiswhyIbecamesuch
abit
terperson.Mychildhoodwast akeawayfrom
meandt hemansupposedt oprotectmewas
abusi
ngmei nthebackground.Itmakesmewantt o
vomittoseehowmuchpeopl erevereandlookupto
him.
ME:Whydi
dn’
tyoul
eave?
MOTHER:Itried.Beforeyourbr
otherwasborn.Iran
backt
omypar entsandtheysentmestrai
ghtback.
Aft
ert
hatIhadchi ldr
en,wherewasIgoingtogo?
Soyousee,thisiswhyIam asIam.Hur tpeople
i
ndeedhurtpeople.
ME:Youcanst
il
lleave.
MOTHER:Andgowher e?Don’
tbenaive.I
’
m anol
d
womanwi t
hnot
hingofherown.Ihavenoener
gyto
st
artover
.
Me:Icoul
dhel
pyou.
..
MOTHER:(smi
li
ng)Hey,I’
mt hemot
herher
e.Itsmy
j
obtoworr
yaboutyou,nottheot
herwayaround.
Doest
hatmant
reatyouwel
l
,Lel
e?
ME:Hel
ovesmemama.I
’
m sohappywi
thhi
m.
MOTHER:ThenIam happyt ooandIwishyouwel l
.
Don’tyoudar eworryaboutmeLerothodi
,Iam
al
ri
ght .Looki
ngforwardt omeet
ingmygr andchi
l
d.
Lookatyou, sobeautif
ul.Youaregl
owing.Iam
sureyouar ecarr
yingaboy!
ME:Thankyoumama.
MOTHER:Idol oveyouLel e,it
sjust .
..nobodyever
teachesyout hi
ngsl ikeexpressingl oveinour
cultur
e.Andwhenyougr ewupwi t
hnoneofi tand
gotnoneofi tfrom yourmar riage.Your eal
lyendup
withnonet ogive.Notevent oyour self
.Let
sget
youdr essed.Whati swrongwi t
ht hesewomen,
whatt ypeofheadscar ftyingisthis,letmefixitfor
you.
*
***
**

Theweddi
ngwentgreat
.Tone’
sparent
scameand
thi
sti
meIwashonestl
ybeaming,
withmyfami
ly
around.Isti
lldidn’
tknowwhatt odoaboutmy
mom’ sconfessions.DoIconfrontmydad?Butwe
hadjustrebuiltourrel
ati
onshi
pandIdidn’
twantt
o
rui
nit.
..whatdoIdo?
Wewentbackt oFranceamont
hl at
er,
andI
deci
dedIjustwantedtot
akeabreakfr
om
modell
ingandfocusonmypregnancy.
Tonewassoexcit
edandeverydayhewoul dtalkt
o
mybabybump,butIwasjustindif
fer
ent.Iguess
mymommyi nsti
nctshadnotkickedinyet.
Whati
ftheyneverdo?
Thatwasthesi
ngl
emostscar
iestt
houghtofmyl
if
e.
ThatIwoul
dbeabadmom.
Iwasalsosot
err
if
iedofthebir
thi
ngpr
ocessthatI
’d
l
it
eral
lyst
ayupatnightcr
yingwhenIt
houghtabout
i
t.
Itr
iedtoforcehappiness.Whenyou’repregnant
andyourbel l
yreachesthepointwhereit
’sobvious
toeveryoneelsethatababywi l
lbecomingoutof
you,that’
swhenever yonest
artstal
kingt
oyou
aboutit.
“
Whenar
eyoudue?
”
“
Isi
taboyoragi
rl
?”
“
Anynamesi
nmi
nd?
”
Iwouldfakeasmi le,rubmyr oundbel
lyinthat
natur
almot her
lyway, andanswerallt
heirquesti
ons.
Itwasmyhopet hatasIhear dmyownvoi ceit
wouldconjureupt hatnervousandexcit
able
anti
cipat
ionthatallmothersaresupposedtofeel.
Butwhatcamewasnot hi
ngoft hesor
t.
Whatal lthosest r
angersandf ri
endsal ikedidn’t
knowwast hatIwast er
rifi
ed.Ter rif
iedofthisbaby
andfort hisbaby.Terrif
iedofanot herloss.Ter ri
fi
ed
ofatraumat i
cbirthexper i
encelikewhatI ’
ver ead
onli
ne.Ter ri
fiedbyaf uturethatwasuncer t
ainf or
manyr easons.Jobandi ncomel ossbecausewhen
youar eamodel ,youear nbywor kpr oj
ects.Andt he
l
ongeryoust ayoutoft hemar ket,themor est ale
youbecome, unt
ilyouar eirr
elevant .Andthat
ter
ri
fiedme.Goi ngbackt obei ngt hatfatirr
elevant
nobody?
I
twasal
ltoomuch.Iwasment
all
yandphysi
cal
l
y
exhausted.Andnott henormaltypeofpr egnancy
exhausti
on.Iwant edtopullthecoversovermy
headandsl eep.Sleepthroughthefi
rst,
secondand
thi
rdtri
mest er.Sl
eepthroughthebirt
h.Sleep
thr
ought hef i
rstmonthandwhi l
ewe’reati t
,maybe
thefi
rstyear.
MaybeI’
mj ustnotcutoutf
ort
his.Ienvi
edTone’
s
exci
tementsomuch.
*
***
***
*
[
04/
15,
07:
48] :SDLUDLA29

Bythethi
rdt
rimest
erIwassofatIdi
dn’
twantto
l
eavethehouseandri
skanyoneseemethi
ssize.
Thef
att
erIgot,themoreIateoutofdepr
essi
on,
andt
henI’
llgetevenf
atter
.
IevengotTonetohireadoct
ort
ocomedomy
weeklypr
enatalvi
sit
sathomesoIdon’
thavet
ogo
out.
Isati
ntheli
vingr
oom whenhecamewi
thr
esul
tsof
thegest
ati
onaldi
abet
es.
DR:Mr sCr ous,I
’dli
ketoputyouoni nsul
inforyour
gestati
onaldi abetes.Youal sohavegest at
ional
hypertensionandyourhi ghbloodpr essureissky
high.Youneedt ocont r
olyourdi etanddosome
l
ightwor koutl i
kewor ki
ng.I’m afrai
dwear egonna
havetoi nduceatt heearliestpossibleti
mewhi chis
week38, becauseyourhi ghbl oodpressureis
endanger ingthebaby.
Tonesatther
enoddingandt hankedthedoct
orthen
walkedhi
m out.ThenextdaywhenIwokeupt he
fr
idgewascleanedout,
fil
ledwithallt
ypeofgreen
shitnopr
egnantwomanwant stoeat.
TONE:Morningmyl ove.
..celer
yandkal
esmoothi
e
wit
hat admoringapowder .
..goodf
oryouandt
he
baby’
sheart
...
Hehandedmeat
allgl
assoft
hegr
eengoo.
MR:Mxi
m,whatt
hef
uckam Isupposedt
odowi
th
t
his?
Iemptiedtheent
iregl
assontheent
iregl
assonthe
si
nkandt ookoutmyphonetocallf
astfood.He
grabbedmyt hephonefr
om me.
ME:Tone,
givemebackmyphone.
TONE:Youarenotor
der
ingf
astf
oodLet
ty,
you
hear
dthedoctor
.
ME:Mot
howaModi
mo,
givemebackmyphone,
ij
a!
TONE:Idon’ tknowwhatyouar esaying, butyouare
notgett
ingfastf ood.Idon’tgetyouLet ty.You
neverwanttol eavethehouse, youhaven’ teven
boughtthebabyasi nglething,ever
ythingwehave
fort
hebabyIboughtorwasbr oughtbyourf r
iends
andfamily.
..youacti ndif
ferenttoupdat esabout
thebabyfrom Dr ,andyouj ustgottoldyourdi etis
harmingthebabyandyoudon’ tcare!
ME:Howdar eyou!Howdar eyousayIdon’ tcare?
I’
mt heonewhol ooksli
keabehemot h,aren’tI?I
am theonewhoi sgoingtopushingsomet hingthe
si
zeofamel onouti fmyvagina.
..havetoputi tto
myboobandhavet hem sag!Howdar eyou!
Nothingchangesforyou!Sostuffyourf
ucki ngcare!
TONE:Nothi
ngchanges?Excuseme,ever
ythi
ng
changedf
orme!Ilostmyfucki
ngleg!
ME:Aha!Fi
nal
lyi
tsout
!Youhat
emebecauseof
t
hat
!
TONE:Idon’that
eyou.ButrightnowIcan’tstand
yourat
ti
tude!Whatiswrongwi t
hyou,whyar eyou
acti
ngl
ikethisbabyisaninconveni
ence?
ME:Becausei tis,
damni t!Itis.Ihavelost
ever
ything.
..(Isai
dami dstt ears)youdon’teven
fi
ndmeat t
racti
veanymor e..
.Icanst andl
osingthe
modelli
ngandal l.
..buttol oseyou...
TONE:Yout
hinkIdon’
tfi
ndyouat
tr
act
ive?
ME:Iknowyoudon’t
.Youneverwantt
obei
nti
mat
e
wi
thme.Notevenjustmaki
ngout.
..
Hewalkedovert
omeandtookmyhandsinhi
sand
t
ippedmychintomakemelookupathi
m.
TONE:Lookatme.LookatmeLer
othodi
.
Ishyl
ylookedupandhecaressedmyl
ipswi
thhi
s
fi
ngerthengent
lyki
ssedme.
TONE:Youdon’ tknowhowmuchyouturnmeon.
Justthethoughtthatyouar
ecar
ryi
ngmychi
ld.
..
thati
st hegr
eatestgif
tawomancangi
veaman.
Youar ebest
owingmeanhonourofbeingaf
ather
..
.
thatdoesunimagi nablethingst omymi nd.And
thenyourbody...oh,monDi eu!Yourbody!It’
sback
tothosenaturalcurvesIf ellforthefi
rsttimeIsaw
you..
.thosesexycur ves...andyouar eglowing.
..
anddidIt el
lyoujusthowmuchseei ngyourbel l
y
roundwi t
hmychi lddrivesmecr azy?Justhaving
youthisclose..
.doyouf eelthat?( Hetookmyhand
andrubbedi tonhishar don)
ME:Thenwhyhaven’tyou.
..Imean,
sinceIst
art
ed
showi
ng,younever
..
.
TONE:I’m scared,Let
ty.Icangetr
ough.Iam afr
aid
wemayhur tthebaby..
.andIdidn’
twanttoburden
you.
..youar ealwaystir
ed
ME:Wecanbecar
eful
..
.Imi
ssyouAnt
one.
TONE:Imissyout oomylove.
..t
almboutIdon’
tfi
nd
youatt
ract
ive,
girldoyouknowhowmanyni ghtsI
l
aidonthebedcont empl
ati
ngwakingyouupand
beggi
ngforatleastahandj
ob?
ME:(
laughi
ng)Whydi
dn’
tyou?
TONE:Youar
edoingsuchanimportantanf
tr
emendousj
obofcarr
yingourchi
ldandhereI
’
dbe
wi
thmyli
tt
leat
tent
ionseeki
ngsel
fal
l‘
waaaht
ouch
mydi
ck’
.
ME:(l
aughing)Youaresosill
y.AndIl
oveyou.But
I
’m st
il
lnotdri
nki
ngthatrubbish.
TONE:Let
ty.
..
ME:Nope..
.ok,
I’
llcompr
omise,makemer
atat
oui
ll
e
t
hen.I
’l
lpayyouwi t
hablowjob.
TONE:Il
iket
hatt
ransact
ion.Il
ikei
tal
ot.
ME:Thr
owni
nabei
gnetandI
’
llupt
hepayment
.
TONE:Shi
t,does6bei
gnet
sgi
veme6r
ounds?
ME:(l
aughi
ng)I’
m pregnantyouNeander
thal
.Get
mefoodfir
st,
randy,
thenwecant al
k.
Helaughedandt
urnedt
omakemebr
eakf
astwhi
le
si
ngingBonJovi
’
sBedofRoses
*
***
**
Welai
dinbedaf
tersomer
eal
lygr
eatsex,
wit
hhi
m
pl
ayi
ngwit
hmyhai r
.
TONE:Iknowyouareveryinsecureaboutyour
bodyr
ightnow,butLet
ty,
youar esobeautif
ul.
Ever
ycur
ve.
..ever
yst
ret
chmar
k..
.
ME:Ihatet
hesedamnst
ret
chmar
ks.Myt
ummy
l
ooksli
keafucki
ngmap.
Hebentoverandki
ssedmyt ummy. .
.hishands
car
essingmythi
ghs..
.hisfi
ngersl
ippingint
othe
wetnesshe’
dbeenjustafewmoment sago.
Heincreasedhisrhythm unt
ilIwasundul
ati
ng,
grabbi
ngt hesheetsandpantinghi
snameasI
cameoverandoveragai n.
Hegotbehindmeandspoonedme,ki
ssi
ngmy
neckandrubbi
ngmybel
lyaswerest
ed.
TONE:Thosestretchmar
ksar ebeauti
ful
.Theyar
e
yourgl
orystr
ipes.Youar
egr owingahuman.Can
youimaginej
usthowmagi calthati
s.
ME:Somet i
mesIjustaskmyself
..
.whyme?You
coul
dlit
eral
lyhaveanyoneofthosebeaut
if
ul
models.
..
TONE:Andsometi
mesIreal
lyt
hinkyouaredumb.
IfIwant
edoneoft
hosebuli
micfl
atpersonal
it
y
catt
ybit
ches,
woul
dn’
tIhavegoneforone?Ido
haveabeauti
fulmodelbytheway.Imar
ri
edher
andsheishavingmychil
d.
ME:Soyouli
kefatgi
rl
s?Woul
dyoust
il
lwantmei
fI
becameski
nny?
TONE:Idon’ tli
kef atgirl
s..
.orski
nnygirl
s.Orany
othert
ypeofgi rls.Iloveonewomanandone
womanonl y,whateverbodyyouchooset obein.Of
courseyourcur vesar easpecialatt
racti
ontome. .
.
thatbi
gboot y!MonDi eu!I’dbeali
tt
ledisappoi
nted
i
fyoul ostallyourcur ves,butI
’dst
il
lloveyou
equall
y.
ME:I
’
mter
ri
fi
edaboutt
hebaby.
..
TONE:Soam I
,butwecandot
his.
..
ME:No,thi
sisnotnor
mal.Itsaheightenedsenseof
f
earandgloom andIj
ustfeell
ikesomet hi
ngis
wrongeventhoughal
lchecksaregreat.
TONE:Maybeweshoul
dseeapsychi
atr
ist
.
*
***
**
Thenextmorni
ngwesatonthepsychi
atr
ist
’sr
oom
asIt
oldheraboutmysympt
oms.
HER:Soundsli
keantepar
tum depr
essi
on,
or
pr
egnancydepressi
on.
ME:Pr
egnancydepr
essi
on?
HER:It’
sverycommonact uall
y,Iknowpostpartum
depressi
ongetsallt
hepubl i
cit
y,butpregnancy
depressi
onisjustasrealandasbad.I taff
ectsup
to25%ofpregnantwomen.I tmostlygoes
untr
eatedbecauseitsjustchuckedtomoodswi ngs.
TONE:What
’st
hecause?
HER:I’l
lhavethem dr awbloodt oconfi
rmt hati
tis
hormoner el
ated.Becauset hereissuchahor mone
surgeinpregnancy, animbalanceofserotoninmay
occur,whichisahor moner esponsibl
eforreducing
str
essandanxi ety.I
fherlevelsgettoolow, i
t
usuall
yleadstopr egnancydepr essi
on.
Shedr ewbloodandt hetest
sconf i
rmedt hat
i
ndeedIhadahor moneimbalance.Whichmadeso
muchsensebecausenomat terhowmuchIt r
iedto
behappy,Ialwaysendedupf eel
ingdepressed.I
fel
tsosadf orthemanywomenonmyshoeswho
dontgetexcit
edaboutthosebabykickslikeme...
don’tf
eellikebabyshoppi ngorbabyshower s.Just
alwaysfeelingtiredanddown.Iknowhowt heyfeel
becauseI’vebeent here.Feeli
ngal
oneandt hat
somethingwaswr ongwi thme.Iwassot hankfulto
haveananswerandmedi cat
iont
ohelp.Thenext
fewweeks, Iwasf eeli
ngal it
tl
ebet
terfrom t
aking
themedicat ion,Ievenwentoutt odinnerand
all
owedmyf ri
endst othrowmeababyshower .
*
***
***
[
04/
15,
07:
48] :SDLUDLA30
Wereachedweek38ofmypr egnancyanddeci ded
agai
nstinducti
onasmyheal thwasal otbet t
er.By
week41Iwasr egrett
ingthatdeci
sionthough, Iwas
sooverbeingpr egnantandIwasanxi oust omeet
ourbaby.ButIwasenj oyi
ngtheselastfewdays
whenitwasj ustToneandI .Wehaddeci dednotto
knowthegenderbecausesomet hi
ngsar ejust
muchnicerasasur pri
se.
Aft
eral
otofconvi
nci
ngl
ater,
myf at
herf
inal
lyl
et
mymom cometohelpwi
ththebaby.
*
***
**
Thedaywepi ckedherupf rom theairportIwas
rest
lessallday.Iwokeupal i
tt
lecrampyi nthe
morni ng,l
ikeperiodcr amps,butIjustwentt hrough
theday.Byt heaf ternoonIstartedtohave
contracti
onsmor efrequentl
yandf eltmor ecrampy.
Ifel
tsupert ir
edal ldayandnotver yhungr y.Ilai
d
downi nbedat7pm becauseIwassot i
red.
Tonewasbei
ngver
yat
tent
ivebutIwassoi
rr
it
abl
e.
TONE:Shal
lwegot
othehospi
tal
?
ME:No...I
..
.myf r
iendsaysnott
ogotooear
ly
becausethey’
l
ljustsendmebackhome.
TONE:ComeonLet
ty.
..youar
einpai
n.
ME:I’
mfine..
.IfI’
minthehospi
talt
oolongtheywil
l
pushanepiduralandImaybetemptedtotakeit
.
TONE:Butandepi
dur
ali
smeantt
ohel
p?
ME:Ir
eadt
hatyoucanbepar
alyzedf
rom i
t.
TONE:Ma,
canyout
alkt
oher
?I’
mjustscar
ed.
..
MOM:Letherbe.Lel
eisst
ubbor
n,she’
l
lgi
vebi
rt
hin
t
hecar
,thati
swhatshewant
saker
e.
Theywereannoyi
ngmesomuchwi tht
heiryappi
ng,
Ideci
dedtolockmysel
fint
hebedr
oom andsleep.
Iwoket
hem upi
nagoni
zingpai
nar
oundt
hreei
n
themor
ning.
ME:Tone,Ithi
nkt
hisbabyi
scomi
ngoutnow.
..
pl
ease.
..l
etsgo
Hej umpedoutofbedandr ubbedhi
seyes,t
henran
tothecar..
.Ihear
dhim dr
ivingandt
houghthewas
bri
ngingittothef
rontoft
hehouse.Isawhim dr
ive
off
..
Whatt
hehel
l.
Mymom coul
dn’
tbemor
esl
owi
fshet
ri
ed.
ME:Mama, couldyouhurr
y?Let
sbereadywhen
t
hati
diotr
ealizeshefor
gotmeandcomesback.
MOM:Eh-ehmma,don’
thur
ryme.Aker
eori
leo
si
ameLel
e?Nkaboresal
erei
le.Mmakenwekofi
yame.
Tswanamot her
sandteachi
ngyoualesson!Si
gh!
JustbecauseIdi
dn’
tgotothehospi
talatt
heti
me
shewant
ed!
ME:KanaI
’
m goi
ngt
ogi
vebi
rt
hri
ghther
emama.
..
MOM:Gori
ghtaheadt
hen.Letmef
ini
shmycof
fee
i
npeacepl
ease.
Shefi
nishedhercof
feejustwhenmyi
diothusband
pul
ledbackinwit
har ush.
..
Ifel
tli
keIneededtopee.Mymom wasagai
nsti
t,
butohwell.I
fhavetogo,Ihavet
ogo.
Itr
iedt ogotothebathroom andsuddenl yi
t
happened:Mybodyst art
edpushingoni tsown,
againstmywi ll
!AsImademywayi ntothecar,
the
baby’sheadwasal readybeginni
ngt ocomeout !I
hadpl annedtorel
axmysel fwit
hbreathingand
yogaposi t
ionsandmant rasandstuffli
kethat
.
ButinthatcarallIcoul
dt hinkwas:‘Don’thavethe
babyinthecar ,
don’thavet hebabyinthecar .
’
WhenIgott othehospital,Tonestoleawheel chai
r
fr
om anol dmanandwheel edmer i
ghtintothe
cl
osestroom, whereIgavebi rt
hstanding—hands
onthebed, pantsatmykneesandshoesst il
lon!
Mywat erdidn’
tevenbr eakuntilmybabywas
pushi
ngout
.
NURSE:Aww,
itsaboy.
..l
it
tl
edaddyl
ookal
ike!
TheyhelpedmeintoagurneyandIdeli
ver
edt
he
placent
awithmybabyonmychest ,t
henIwas
takentomater
nit
yward.
Rememberthosemat
ernali
nst
inct
sIsai
dmaybeI
di
dn’
thave?
TheyhitmeallatoncethemomentIlai
deyeson
mybaby.Ifel
ttearsIdi
dn’tevenknowwhere
comingdownr ol
ldownmycheekasIhel dhi
mto
mychest.Iwasamot her!Me!
Il
ookedatTonestandi
ngoverusal
lbi
gand
massive,
looki
ngatmewit
hsomuchadmi r
ati
on.
TONE:I
’
m af
ather
..
.
ME:(
smi
li
ng)Yesyouar
e..
.
TONE:It
’ssosurreal
!IwishIcoul
ddescr
ibet
oyou
howIfeelr
ightnow.It’
sli
kemyhearti
sgoingto
bur
sti
nhappi ness.
ME:Iknow.
..becauseIf
eel
thesameway.
..
Hefol
lowedthem whentheytookhimtobathehi
m,
andwouldn’
tlethi
m outofsi
ghtforasecond.
IwenttobathandwhenIcamebackmom and
Tonesatbesidemybed,wi
thTonehol
dinghi
sson
andjustst
ari
ngathi
mi nent
hral
lment
.
TONE:It
hinkmashoul
dnamehi
m.
ME:Iagr
eemama.
..
MOM:Me?I.
..l
etspr
ayabouti
tfi
rst
.Si
tLel
e,l
ets
bl
esst
hebabyandaskGodforhi
sname.
Irol
ledmyeyesbutsatdownandst
ret
chedmy
handstowar
dsthebabylikemymom wasdoi
ng.
MOM:Heavenl yFather,Thankyouf ort hi
spr ecious
blessi
ng!Ther eseemst obenogr eat erphysi cal gi
ft
thanthissweetbundl eofj oy,sentst raightfrom
You.Hi sperfectli
tt
lefingersandt oes, t
hewayhe
smel l
slikeheaven, t
hel ovethatbubbl esup,
unmat chedi nit
sdept h.It
’sawonder fulkindof
overwhel med.Pleasebl essthisbaby, Lord.Placea
shiel
dofpr otecti
onar oundhi slit
tlebodyand
guardhi m ashegr ows.Keephi m safeandheal thy,
Lord.Hel pthisdearonet oknowhei sdeepl yand
whollyandf or
everl oved, f
ir
stbyYou, andt henhi s
parentsandsomanyofus.Bl essthisbaby, Lord,
andblesshi sparent s.Helpthem adjusttot heirnew
normalast heywel comeawhol enewper soni nto
thei
rli
ves,heartsandhome.Gi vethem evenone
wholenightofsl eep, andgivethem strengthand
energywhent heni ght sareshort.Bl
ankett heir
homei npeace, grace, andlove.ThankyouLor d,for
thi
snewl if
e.Wepr aiseandt hankYouf orYour
goodandper f
ectcr eation.Amen.
ME&TONE:Amen
MOM:Jairus.Hi
snameisJairus.I
tmeans,
‘hewho
br
ingsli
ght’
,ashehadbroughtsomuchhappiness
al
readyi
nthesefewminuteshearri
ved.
ME&TONE:Il
ovei
t.
..
ME:I
tsagr
eatnamema,
soundsuni
quet
oo!Jai
rus
Cr
ous.
TONE:(
Tickl
ingt
hebaby’scheek)heyJair
us.
..hey
l
it
tl
eman...
heyli
tt
leJay.Youaresolovedmyboy.
Atthi
smomentmyli
fewasjustsoper
fect
.If
elt
suchasur
geofemot
ionwhenmymom handedme
t
hebabyandhel
pedhi
mlatcht
omybr east
.Inever
i
magi
nedthi
samountofl
ovewaspossibl
e.
SoIhadgainedal otofweight.
..soImightlosemy
modell
ingcareer
.Sowhat !Iwast ot
all
yfinewithall
ofi
t.Al
lwaswel li
nmywor ldasIlookeddownat
Jai
russuckl
ingwhi l
emyhusbandl ookedatuswi t
h
pur
elove.
*
***
***
THEEND