MERYSOL T.

ZALUN ( MAED ADAMIN 1A) EDAS 204 HUMAN RELATIONS

REACTION PAPER

“ Listening well is the heart of intimacy and connection. When we are able to listen to another
person with attention and care, that person feels validated and enhanced.” – Harriet Lerner
(Author, The Dance of Connection)

Synopsis

The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You’re Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated,
Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate, was published over 20 years ago, but it’s just as relevant today
as when she wrote it. In it, Lerner role-plays multiple conversations, guiding us through
minefields that have surely plagued us all, especially in the past few years.Without meaningful
conversations, relationships can’t grow. But if we can learn to better see and be seen in our
relationships, we can each be more loving versions of ourselves. Lerner encourages us to use our
voice and presence to connect with other people, regardless of our differences. Here are four
pieces of wise relationship advice from The Dance of Connection.

1. Be more supportive to persons in distress by simply letting them know you care about them—
be emotionally present without pulling back from their pain and without trying to take it away.
2. Never criticize a person who is criticizing you. There may be a time to bring up your own
grievances, but that time is not when the other person has taken the initiative to voice her own
complaints.
3. A pure apology does not ask the other person to do anything—not even to forgive.
4. When the other person is already in an avoidant mode or heavily defended, you have to lower
the intensity—not raise it—if you hope to begin a conversation.

REACTION

Human relationships are built on communication. As we speak and listen, learn about
each other, and get to know each other in personal ways, relationships grow and thrive. Our
relationships are characterized by how we communicate, including what we talk about, when we
talk about, and how we respond. Listening is the most relational of all our communication
behaviors. How we listen to another, affects our relationships more than anything else we do.
Too often, we focus on what to say when we need to focus far more on just listening to what the
other person is saying. As Socrates states, “Nature has given us two ears, two eyes, and but one
tongue to the end that we should hear and see more than we speak.” We need to cultivate hearts
about the ways we listen.

I certainly agree with the quote of Harriet Lerner, I’m learning about listening to other
people with various perspectives in life regardless of race, gender, and other form of
indifferences. I’m learning how to listen and communicate better with people, especially when
the things I’m listening to and talking about are more on the sensitive side of topics. As an
educator, in order to build a strong foundation of relationships with the people around me, I
realized that listening is such an important way to communicate to the learners, colleagues, and
other stakeholders. As an aspirant leader of a school in my future generation, I will make sure
that I will have an open ear, open mind, and open heart to all of the people that surround me.
Listening is the sincerest form of flattery and shows the deepest form of connection. To live a
life of leadership and meaningful connection, we have to consciously choose to slow down, give
up our agenda, and develop the capacity to focus on others by making an effort to fully
understand them. This requires us to recognize, accept, and understand that we are doing the best
we can, and so are others. And as a teacher, I always try to put myself in the other individual's
shoes especially to the learners to understand their situations. As I listen to them with kindness as
I take in their messages and asking them what difficulties they are experiencing, will help me
hear out their insights. Also, I pay attention to their body language, keep an open mind, and be
careful not to jump to conclusions. As I listen carefully and not to judge or don’t make my mind
up too quickly as I take in the information. I see to it to give some time to think and reflect. Try
to avoid coming to conclusions too quickly and develop a definitive position based on what I
hear. I allow myself to consider different perspectives. It is important to listen with awareness as
well. This compares what is said to my knowledge, history, people, and how the world operates;
and secondly, I listen and observe for congruence. As I relate it to real life situations, for
example in relationships, poor listening is responsible for disconnectedness from our families,
loved ones, friends, and customers. It is the cause of breakdowns and break-ups. If we could hear
our words, our comments, and our feedback through the ears of our listeners, we might be
horrified by our insensitivity and negativity. Moreover, the heart of listening requires focus and a
desire to learn and gain perspective. It takes effort to realize the inner barriers we have built
towards others, which we must learn to put aside. Listening with an open heart is love in action,
and listening with mindfulness, it is the way to make every interaction memorable.

I have found that along with service, listening will create change in our world. It has the
potential to create societies, communities, and a world where people no longer live in fear of
themselves (the color of their skin, the shape of their eyes, their income level, their educational
degree) and how who they are will affect the way they are perceived and treated by others. We
need to make it our practice to create a positive change for future generations so that they don’t
live with this fear. Most people will hear what others say, but they won’t listen allowing noise
and voices to go in one ear and out the other rather than genuinely processing what someone has
to say and taking the time to understand what it means. We all experience thoughts, feelings, and
biases when listening to someone talk. We are constantly thinking of what to say next and how to
respond to what we are processing but we need to learn to listen while allowing our thoughts,
feelings, past experiences, and biases to flow through us to experience what people are saying
and feeling, their reality. We then can work together to have a conversation and come to a
common understanding, a bodily felt understanding of what is being said. If we want a kinder,
more empathetic, and humane society, we must learn to listen to one another and not limit
ourselves to patterns. With the ability to listen and quit our judgment towards others, our society
would be able to not only open our eyes to diversity and better understand those in our
community but serve each other in a kinder more empathetic way.