Fantastic* Parodies: The Crimes of Satire

Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at http://archiveofourown.org/works/48103843.

Rating: Mature
Archive Warning: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Category: F/M
Fandom: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies)
Relationship: Queenie Goldstein/Jacob Kowalski, Tina Goldstein/Newt Scamander,
Leta Lestrange/Theseus Scamander, AND THAT'S IT - Relationship,
DON'T GIVE ME THAT LOOK WE WEREN'T ALLOWED TO TALK
ABOUT IT YET
Character: Newt Scamander, Jacob Kowalski, Tina Goldstein, Queenie Goldstein,
Albus Dumbledore, Gellert Grindelwald, Credence Barebone, Theseus
Scamander, Leta Lestrange, And Probably Some Other People But
They're Not Important
Additional Tags: Humor, Parody, Screenplay/Script Format, obscure references, Foul
Language, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Content Warning:
NonCon/Past NonCon/Discussions Of NonCon Throughout, Content
Warning: Dead Babies, content warning: google translated French, I'm
Not Even In This Fandom Anymore Why Am I Still Writing These,
Speaking Of It Is So Much Easier To Abandon Something When The
Media In Question Starts To Suck, Like Even Before All The TERF Stuff
I'd Wanted To Quit At This Point, trans rights are human rights
Language: English
Series: Part 2 of Fantastic* Parodies
Stats: Published: 2023-06-24 Completed: 2023-09-09 Words: 62,656
Chapters: 12/12

Fantastic* Parodies: The Crimes of Satire

by ShieldEcho

Summary

*Not actually all that fantastic. Contains a rom-com misunderstanding that's even more
annoying and easily solvable than most rom-com misunderstandings, all magical cops also
being bastards, and our brave and always-in-the-right heroes fighting with all their might to
stop the horrifically evil villains before they... *checks notes* ...prevent the Holocaust.
Huh.
 I GENUINELY THINK THAT GRINDELWALD DOING A BIG
DRAMATIC ESCAPE WAS AN INCREDIBLY STUPID MOVE
Chapter Notes

Mostly copy-pasting my author's note from the previous fic 'cause fuck effort: So.
You're probably wondering why the absolute fuck a nonbinary trans person is doing
writing Harry Potter fanfiction in the year of our calendar 2023. Well, it all began back
in 2008 – Jesus Christ I was not an adult when I started and now I'm one even by
Tolkien standards – when I started writing parodies of the HP films, which continued
until I'd covered all eight movies. And they were fun to do, I'd enjoyed it. So much so
that I went and did the books and play as well. I'd been enamored with HP since I was
nine, y'see, and that obviously carried over to the new Fantastic Beast movies. Of
course I was going to parody those as well! Why wouldn't I? I'd done everything else
in the series, even the fucking play! But I did want to wait until all five films were
released, at least, and then I would begin. I was eager to get started.

And then JKR did the thing. If you are somehow unaware, look it up yourself, I no
longer have the patience, I've argued with enough people in real life. Not like it's hard
to find, it's all she fucking tweets about these days...

Assassin's Creed used to be one of my favorite franchises of all time. I'm never going
to purchase another game from Ubisoft again. Ruroni Kenshin was what got me into
anime. I haven't touched that series in years. I used to be obsessed with anime voice
actors and wished I could afford to go to more conventions so that I could one day
meet a bunch of them, Vic Mignogna in particular. I now know how lucky I am that I
never got the chance.

Obviously you can't avoid every problematic thing in the world or you'll end up
watching paint dry for entertainment – I still love the fuck out of One Piece and Oda
still considers Watsuki an amazing person, for fuck's sake – but everyone's got their
limit, and when the creator of something that defined your life for so long suddenly
goes after the rights of you and the people care about...well, I don't mind things being
burned down if they become tainted.

This trilogy will be the last thing that I do for this fandom; I'm more into other shit
now anyway. I don't really care if anyone else is entertained by this point – I'm doing
this for me. Because I need a physical way to say good-bye to something that has been
a massive part of my life for twenty years, and to have fun airing out my grievances
while I do. It's been...cathartic, in a lot of ways. I can channel my disappointment into
something tangible that doesn't hurt my throat from screaming at nothing.

You're welcome to have “fun” along with me if you want, and if not, well, as we used
to say on fanfiction dot net back in the mid 2000s (which is honestly in desperate need
of a comeback): Don't like, don't read. It's that fucking simple, y'all.

Also I'm a complete and total hack who thinks referential humor is funny and
also like to cite my sources 'cause I have a Bachelor's in English and it's that
baked in: Super Best Friends Play, Misfits and Magic, Castle Super Beast, Naruto:
The Abridged Comedy Fandub Spoof Series Show, Deadpool, Family Guy, Team
America World Police, Avatar: The Last Airbender, WandaVision, Pokémon, JoJo's
 Bizarre Adventure, Guardians of the Galaxy, The Hobbit, The Simpsons, Woolie
Versus, Blackadder, Hamilton, and anything under the Harry Potter umbrella.

~Everyone's gonna love this clusterfuck of nonsense.~

WB logo: *exists as there's simultaneous thunder and lightning to illuminate it*

Wizarding World logo: *also exists and I completely forgot it did; yeah sure when she started
expanding from just HP shit it would make sense to no longer call it just HP but this is almost
some Dark Universe shit considering this film was sort of the first nail in the coffin*

JKR: You all wanted this! Especially those of you who said you didn't!

The opening after the WB logo: *was literally supposed to have the main dead baby falling down
into the water with special attention being paid to the sheet as it swirled around*

That one wisp of smoke that Newt had seen but didn't comment on: *slips away again as we
follow an unfinished piece of darkness from Kingdom Hearts as it crosses a street, goes along a
building, and heads back into the orphanage where Mary Lou and Chastity's dead bodies are still
hanging out*

What looks like a birth certificate or at least a piece of adoption paperwork: *is getting
steadily rained on because Frank is in the process of doing the thing probably*

A much larger cloud of smoke: *turns into Credence as they stumble along the wreckage of their
old home and pull out the wet piece of paper, screaming without sound. Which, they were just
attacked by a fuckton of cops who were set on killing them, they have absolutely every right to be
traumatized. At least they didn't microwave a baby this time*

~But enough about shit that was cut because no one cares.~

New York on a literal dark and stormy night: *is pretty*

Location card: American Ministry of Magic

Audience: ...We just ditching literally all the MACUSA shit from the last movie, then? Literally
why, that was like a solid third of that fucking thing.

Grindelwald: *is sitting in a chair*

New location card: New York, 1927

ShieldEcho: *stares at Grindelwald's hair* This evidently takes place six months after the last film
ended and, as someone who knows people who've recovered from hair loss caused by chemo, hair
does not in fact grow that fast in six months. There are things you can do do make it grow a tiny bit
faster but those would not be available to someone in prison, unless he got Abernathy to do magic
about it for him.

A fly: *exists*

Grindelwald: *stares at it*

Fly: *flies near Grindelwald and disintegrates as a red shield bubble thing that's surrounding him is
briefly visible*

Convicted sex offender Kevin Guthrie I mean Abernathy: *slides open a door panel to look at
him* ...What exactly is my job again, I thought I was just like an overbearing manager or
something, how did I get prison guard duty.

Grindelwald: *stares back*

Antonio: *is on a chain attached to Grindelwald's chair and only by reading the script would you
know that that's a chupacabra. Also it makes no mention of why the fuck he's there; is he another
security measure, an emotional support animal they gave him for some reason, what the fuck*

Abernathy: *stares at Antonio* ...I have a suspicion...that that might be...fucking nothing.

Antonio: *eats the fly with his tongue*

Spielman: I can't wait to see this thing that caused a man's eyes to explode! *is walking down the
halls of whatever prison this is – I assume just within the walls of the MACUSA (sorry, American
Ministry of Magic) itself – next to Picquery* Bet you're glad you don't have to deal with this
bullshit anymore.

Picquery: We'd be more than happy to keep him here in custody. Hell, we'd be more than happy to
just kill him and get it over with and save everyone a boatload of horrific tragedy and death, we got
the Dead Pool just downstairs, it don't hurt none—

Spielman: For some reason no, probably because those are meant for getting rid of minor
inconveniences and this is a much higher profile criminal. Anyway, six months is enough—

Picquery: Wha—Maybe for breaking the Statute of Secrecy, but he also fucking tried to
assassinate the President of the Magical United States! I should know, I was there! That feels like
that warrants more than just six fucking months!

Spielman: No, no, six months imprisoned here, for that. We also need him extradited to some
vague location in Europe – probably Germany – so that Europe can also prosecute these crimes of
Grindelwald.

Peter Griffin: Ah! Ah! There it is! There it is!

Picquery: Feel like we could also do that here just with more people present and less eventual
bloodshed but whatever.

Abernathy: President Picquery. Mr. Spielman, sir. I do in fact have a speaking role so they have to
pay me more now. Also he's ready or whatever.

Spielman: *opens his door peephole thing quickly and loudly*

Picquery: *opens hers far more slowly and less loudly. SEE IT'S BECAUSE MEN ARE MORE
AGGRESSIVE IN ANY AND ALL CASES DON'T YOU SEE WE HAVE TO KEEP THEM
SEGREGATED FROM THE WEAK AND FEEBLE LITTLE GIRLS AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE
WHY WON'T ANYONE LISTEN TO ME—*

Spielman: I can apparently tell that you've put every type of security minus dementors around him.
Picquery: While we have in fact been having problems with the very fine people on our security
force being persuaded to follow his fascist ideology, we're still not gonna break the Geneva
Convention and forcibly torture our prisoners.

Spielman: No but you'll use them for slave labor.

Picquery: Well yeah, what else are they good for.

Spielman: Dude...

Picquery: Though we did remove his tongue, I guess that's pretty torturous. Whoopsidoodle.

Spielman: ...You know Silencing Charms exist, right? Also spells that temporarily just get rid of
people's mouths?

Picquery: Yeah but this was more fun.

Spielman: If we never come back here it'll be too soon.

~If you think I'm being too political already...buckle the fuck up.~

Grindelwald: *is taken through the rest of the prison, floating helplessly and flanked by four
guards in hats and trench coats because the whimsy of magic don't ya know*

The rest of the prison: *consists of cages stacked on top of each other from floor to impossibly
high ceiling with people just screaming at each other*

One prisoner: I ONLY HAD A SMALL BAG OF WEED!

Another prisoner: THE FUCK IS HAVING A CAR FRESHENER HANGING FROM MY

REAR VIEW MIRROR GROUNDS FOR BEING STOPPED BY POLICE, THAT'S
LITERALLY WHERE THEY'RE DESIGNED TO GO!

Another other prisoner: I WAS HAVING A FUCKING MISCARRIAGE AND WOULD'VE

DIED IF NOT FOR THAT ABORTION YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKING MONSTERS!

Another other other prisoner: IF ANY OF MY FOUR JOBS HAD PAID EVEN CLOSE TO A
LIVING WAGE I WOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO SHOPLIFT THAT BABY FORMULA!

Another other other other prisoner: WHY IS LOVING MY CHILD ENOUGH TO GET HIM
THE MEDICAL CARE HE NEEDS TO NOT WANT TO UNALIVE HIMSELF THE THING
THAT'S SEEN AS FUCKING CHILD ABUSE, SHOW ME THE FUCKING LOGIC BEHIND
THAT, I NEED TO UNDERSTAND!

Guards: *singing cheerfully*

America, fuck yeah!
Comin' again to save the motherfucking day, yeah!
America, fuck yeah!
Freedom is the only way!

ShieldEcho: *is listening carefully to the voices* You're not gonna believe this, but I don't think
there are separate men and women's prisons in this place created by the person who's ever-so-
desperate to see that happen. Odd, that. *beat* Or they've arrested children and put them in the
adult prison, that would frankly also track for good ol' 'Murica Land.
Elevator: *rises*

Woolworth Building: *still looks pretty cool*

A thestral-drawn carriage: *is ready to head out into the downpour that...is that still Frank's
doing or is this just normal rain now*

Spielman: Remind me why we couldn't just portkey or side-along apparate him out of here? Or
even floo powder, he can't talk so he can't fuck it up. Fuck, we could make him unconscious for
this whole process so he'd really have no way of fucking it up. An open horse-drawn carriage in the
middle of New York just seems unnecessarily easy to sabotage.

Picquery: Yeah but it's gonna look cool as shit for a movie opening.

Spielman: How the fuck did you even rise to power in the first place.

Picquery: Just do it perfectly, and it should be fine.

Abernathy: I am conspicuously in frame as she says that, wonder why. Anyway, we found the
Elder Wand that was conveniently missing from the entirety of the last movie, don't ask where, it's
not important. Also don't open the box and just take my word for it, m'kay? M'kay.

Picquery: Your reluctance to give up the other item should have tipped me off that something was
wrong but wouldn't you know it I might not be very good at my job.

Spielman: *claps his hand to his face in fake shock*

Abernathy: Right, also this. *holds up that vial thing which alone made me want to drop the
series, I'm not even kidding, it's just fucking bad writing*

Grindelwald: *watches Spielman take the vial from the window*

Picquery: *lets out a loud sigh* Don't fuck up and die. I will be really mad if you fuck up and die.

Abernathy: Wonder why the camera keeps focusing on me.

Carriage: *is now covered in magical locks*

Carriage driver: Yip-yip!

Thestrals: *drag the carriage out into the night, fly straight down, and nearly hit the street before
finally spreading their wings and taking off. Sure hope none of the No-Majs who've seen death
happened to be looking out their windows that night, 'cause even the ones that didn't might've seen
the carriage itself, it's not being concealed at all*

Abernathy: *stands on the balcony or whatever, the Elder Wand conveniently in his hand. That's
so interesting, wonder why Grindelwald would entrust him with such an important item. He then
uses it to disapparate onto the underside of the carriage*

Carriage: *is manned on the outside by four guards and there are also four other guards on
broomsticks behind it*

Spielman: *stares at the vial* This is terrible, I'm super happy I have it now!
Grindelwald: *has two wands pointed at him. HOW CAN HE POSSIBLY GET OUT OF THIS
WACKY SITUATION*

Spielman: No more silver tongue, hmm?

Abernathy: *is wearing a big shit-eating grin*

Grindelwald's face: *starts to morph and change*

Spielman: ...It might be the lighting but this looked way better in previous films.

Grindelwald: *turns into convicted sex offender Kevin Guthrie I mean Abernathy*

Spielman: Does not compute, does not compute, abort, retry, fail.

Abernathy: HEY LOOK THE DUDE WHO MASTERFULLY DISGUISED HIS APPEARANCE
AS SOMEONE ELSE LAST MOVIE DID THE SAME THING AGAIN THIS MOVIE! *turns
into Grindelwald, apparates on top of the carriage, and bursts into song*
Who's been messing up everything?
It's been Grindelwald all along!
*turns a couple of the reins into snakes so that the carriage driver falls to his death*

Remaining seven guards: Wow, when we signed up for this we said we'd be prepared for
everything, but this has us at a complete loss and therefore we are unable to act I guess!

Grindelwald:
Who's been pulling every single string?
It's been Grindelwald all along!
*causes the remaining reins to drag the second driver up into the air before pulling him back so he
knocks the rear guards off of the carriage so they all fall to their deaths*

Guards on brooms: THERE WASN'T ANYTHING WE COULD HAVE POSSIBLY DONE TO

STOP THIS!

Spielman and the two guards in the carriage: *are disarmed and have their wands pointed at
their own necks*

Abernathy: *doesn't have a tongue but if he did he'd be like holy shit*

Spielman: Holy shit. *watches his wand be disintegrated in front of him*

Grindelwald: *pops up at the window*

He's insidious!

Abernathy: Ha ha!

Grindelwald:
So perfidious!
*pulls away*

Spielman: Oh I should've checked the fucking box before we left, that's like the most basic of
basic fucking security measures, what the fuck is wrong with me. *opens the wand box*

Antonio: *was shoved inside the box and was remarkably quiet and complacent this whole time –
he jumps out and tries to go for Spielman's neck*

Spielman: *is able to easily grab him and throw him to the side before standing and banging his
fist against the roof*

Abernathy: *uses BODY SLAM! It's super effective!*

Vial: *falls to the floor of the carriage*

Grindelwald: *takes the reigns and snaps them*

That you haven't even noticed
And the pity is, the pity is
The pity, pity, pity, pity

Abernathy: *grabs the vial with his mouth*

Spielman: *tries to take it from him but Abernathy bites him*

One of the guards: *slams Abernathy's face against the window*

Grindelwald:
It's too late to fix anything
Now that everything has gone wrong
*has the carriage glide over the Hudson*

One of the aurors: *slams into one of the pillars of one of the bridges*

Thestrals: *are running on the surface of the water and to be slightly fair it does in fact look cool
as shit*

Grindelwald:
Thanks to Grindelwald
*throws a spell at the Hudson and the carriage fills up with water before flying up into the sky
again*

Remaining guards on brooms: *chase after him* I gotta figure out how to knock you up. Into the
air! Into the air! Into the air!

Everyone in the carriage: *is struggling to hold their breath*

Vial: *floats along until Abernathy grabs it in his mouth*

Grindelwald:
Naughty Grindelwald
*causes lightning to strike the broomstick riders until they're all gone/dead because I guess wizards
can just control the fucking weather now – unless that's an Elder Wand thing which would make
sense – and then goes to the door and taps on the window*

Abernathy: *stares at him*

Grindelwald: *bursts open the door with magic, draining the carriage of water and the final two
guards before sliding inside himself and staring at Abernathy*
IT'S BEEN GRINDELWALD ALL ALONG!
*grows another forked tongue for Abernathy, who despite this does not actual have any lines for
the rest of the fucking movie*

Antonio: *is attacking Spielman's throat again*

Grindelwald: Hang on, let me get that for you. *picks him up and lets him nuzzle into his
shoulder for a moment before pulling him back*

Antonio: *makes grabby hands in Grindelwald's general direction*

Grindelwald: *grins* And I killed Antonio too. *throws him out the carriage*

Spielman: ...So there's this show called Farscape, right, and in it there's this character called
Scorpius—

Grindelwald: Huh, weird name, hope no one in our world gets stuck with that in the future.

Spielman: Tell me about it. But there are several moments throughout where he states directly to
whomever he's talking to that they've outlived their usefulness before either killing them or trying
to. And yet I feel like that was infinitely more subtle than what you just did.

Grindelwald: It's the Dio principle. You have an easy villain establishing moment by having them
kill a cute animal within moments of them appearing onscreen.

Spielman: And yet Dio is also a better villain than you.

Grindelwald: Shut your boring face already. *picks Spielman up in a weird embrace, guiding him
in an almost kind of dance over to the entrance to the carriage, and seriously looks like he's about to
kiss him before dangling him out of the side*

Spielman: *grabs hold of Grindelwald's arm right before he can fall* I am not good at heights.
And I'm also terrified of death.

Grindelwald: Hey, Spielman! NEGATIVE COMMENT! *drops the not-the-Elder-Wand wand he

was holding and throws his arm aside*

Spielman: *falls through the air* ...I'm not even screaming or anything, what the hell.

Grindelwald: *wandlessly guides the wand into Spielman's hand*

Spielman: *probably casts a nonverbal arresto momentum right above the water so he falls in
harmlessly; he surfaces immediately and watches the carriage fly away* I think it's fair to say that
that was maybe, like, you know, kind of fucking horseshit.

Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald title card: ...I really feel like the smarter move
would've been for Grindelwald to just let Abernathy continue to be charged as him while he fucked
off and gathered more followers from the shadows; Voldemort had that going for him, at least.
And that way he'd be able to go after Credence with no opposition whatsoever. Hell, even if he did
eventually want to garner more attention for a massive rally, Credence was still seemingly his
biggest endgame, so what the hell. Just give me some sort—doesn't have to be a good story reason
but that's all I need. Give me a bad story reason why Grindelwald did this instead. *beat* Also this
title always seemed pretty weak to me, I almost feel like Grindelwald's Crimes still would have
been better, the formula doesn't always have to be The Something of Something.

~And I have no idea where this scene's meant to go so let's just put it here.~
Docks: *are milling with people; it's very unclear which country this is though it's probably France
or at least somewhere that's heading to France*

Credence: *exists and is wearing a hat to hide their identity, because that's really all one needs,
you've seen Marvel movies*

Man: BEATING THINGS THAT ARE WEAKER THAN ME OR ARE AT LEAST CHAINED
UP MAKES ME FEEL STRONGER AND THEREFORE LIKE MORE OF A MAN BECAUSE
THAT'S HOW TOXIC MASCULINITY WORKS. *hits the cage containing an unfinished
zouwu*

Fire drakes: *are way more finished*

A gate: *is separating people*

Skender: *stares at Credence and then walks away*

Credence: *is the only one let through the gate for some reason*

Fire drakes: *are now far less finished, guess I didn't get a good enough first look through that
birdcage*

Two men: *bring something else onto the boat that looks like it's big enough to contain a human;
I've got a sudden hankering to rewatch Phantom Blood now for some reason*

More people: *continue to board the ship and I do hope all these extras got paid despite this scene
being cut on account of it's fucking pointless, I don't actually know how the film industry does
things*

~Well that was a stupendous waste of time.~

Owl: And now we're in London. England. Because there are in fact other Londons out there,
humans are not very good at naming things, let's be real.

A couple more owls: *exist*

Camera: *moves underground until we're in the British Ministry of Magic where there are a lot
more reddish hues than there will be in the nineties, it's actually way prettier to look at*

Owl: *flies over to a hallway where Newt is sitting on a bench*

Film: This is three months after the opening scene, by the way.

Newt: Wouldn't you know it, I'd rather not be here.

Pickett: *is dangling from Newt's sleeve* I am Groot. *is now dangling from a button that is
slowly coming off*

Newt: Oh come on, I know I can easily fix this with magic but I just had this fixed.

Pickett: I am Groot! *falls to the floor with the button, watches it roll away, and chases after it,
looking over his shoulder at Newt as he does so* I am Groot!

Newt: All right, play time it is. *scampers to the floor and grabs the button before Pickett can* Ha
ha, fuck you.

Pickett: I am Groot...

Leta's feet: *slowly come into focus*

Newt: ...This is some Tarantino shit. *allows Pickett to climb onto his shoulder*

Leta: So I find this endearing because I know you, but you gotta know you'd look ridiculous to
anyone else, right? Why'd you even bring him?

Newt: *stands* Because the last time I was in a government building onscreen I needed him to
unlock my chains so that I wouldn't fucking die?

Leta: Well I'd say we'd search you to make sure he couldn't do that, but let's be real, once the
wand's gone we think the threat's over.

Newt: Tell me about it. Also what're you even doing here.

Leta: I think the implication is that Theseus got me my job? It's not a hundred percent clear,
actually.

Newt: I see. Also why are the cameras zoomed in so closely on our faces, I'm incredibly
uncomfortable right now.

Leta: That might be the idea, honestly. I pity the audience, but...

Newt: Hang on, we need to move so this magical carpet cleaner can clean the carpet.

Leta: Right...Why do we even have house-elves, why can't people just make a bunch of these to
sell to people.

Newt: I'd say so that house-elves can remain employable, but that would require literally any of
them being employed.

Leta: Tell me about it. And now the camera's a really far distance away from me, at least pick a
theme, what's even going on with this scene, the direction seems all over the place. Anyway, come
on—

Newt: Hold up. Why are you wearing a fucking suit.

Leta: Damn, thought the skirt was long enough to look like robes.

Newt: For the—DO ANY WIZARDS ACTUALLY WEAR FUCKING ROBES ANYMORE IN
THIS UNIVERSE.

Leta: Just Hogwarts students, seems like, and we all know it's just a jacket-type thing over your
average boarding school uniform.

ShieldEcho: *is binging the Hobbit and Lord of the Rings extended trilogies for the
3,408,279,349th time just so they can look at some good costume design*

Leta: So why weren't you at dinner? And all the other ones? Theseus missed you.
Newt: Mission accomplished, then.

House-elf: Why am I here, we just saw that shit could easily be cleaned by, if not magic itself,
then magic contraptions of a sort.

Owl: *shits on the window they were cleaning*

House-elf: Also why am I using a rag to clean this, I can just snap my fucking fingers, what the
shit.

Leta: No you don't understand, he's your family, you have to spend time with your family, nothing's
more important than family—

Newt: Even if said family brings you immense discomfort and mental and emotional anguish and
I've been far happier without him in my life?

Leta: Well we never get the full context of your relationship with him so we've got Schrödinger's It
Can't Be That Bad happening until the end of time, but I should point out that I miss you as well.

Newt: Well unfortunately I have to continue to avoid you, too, then, as I really have to put my own
well-being over your sense of ease in this instance. And in most instances!

Leta: But I look all sad and shit!

Newt: You will not be guilting me into this, I've had enough.

Leta: *sighs* You cannot say that something sucks because it's not your cup of tea.

Newt: Yeah, I understand that. I mean, if a cup of tea happens to be made of arsenic, you know,
that's neither here nor there, but...

Pickett: I am Groot!

Newt: I said stay in my pocketses and damn it you're going to stay in my pocketses.

Leta: *giggles* Why do strange creatures love you so much?

Newt: Because I'm the only human to ever show them even the faintest shred of kindness
evidently—

Leta: —the faintest shred of kindness evidently, I know, I remember.

Newt: ...Then why did you ask?

Leta: Because I'm expositing our closeness to the audience. Like how you already said that to one
of our teachers – whose name was Prendergast, evidently, no idea who they were or what they
taught – and got detention for it.

Newt: For a whole fucking month. No matter what time period, teachers still sometimes exist to
exert power over their powerless students and slam them down the instant they start to develop a
will of their own.

Leta: And I set off a dungbomb under his desk so I could join you, do you remember?
Newt: Why are we talking like this, people don't talk like this. Also would you back away from the
camera already, you're really putting me off, and if you don't stop looking directly into it we're
gonna be here all day – oh, great.

Theseus: *is coming up the hallway*

Newt: ...Anyway, I remember things differently. Which I might just be saying to put you off.

Leta: Yeah I could sense that.

Theseus: HI, EVERYBODY!

Leta: HI, THESEUS! Still trying to drag Newt kicking and screaming to a family event and he's
still not coming.

Newt: If all of these close-up shots are meant to show off how uncomfortable I am around these
two then I at least hope that the audience doesn't feel nearly as bad as I do.

ShieldEcho: Nope, would like if this ended now, please.

Theseus: Yeah I can tell he's done with that topic, so... *glances at the door they're meant to enter*
Look, before we go into Next Location—

Newt: It's my fifth attempt, Theseus, I know the form.

Theseus: I totally disagree.

Newt: I totally agree with myself.

Theseus: I—I believe you would! Problem is, if this is the fifth time, that means that you failed the
first four times. Also this time'll be different.

Newt: Why, because there's a camera and an audience now?

Theseus: Kinda! Just...try and keep an open mind, will you?

Newt: How many people have you killed this week.

Theseus: Listen, those were criminals—

Newt: I know for a fact that the one on Tuesday morning was a wellness check, the poor boy just
had anxiety and was trying to move away from the loud scary people so he could calm down, you
and Travers didn't have to fucking kill him over it.

Theseus: Well he was resisting arrest, so—

Newt: *in a mocking tone* Just try and keep an open mind, will you?

Theseus: Oh just get in there already.

Newt: ...This angle really highlights that I'm clearly older than you even though I'm meant to be
the younger brother.

Theseus: No, you're the little brother, so called because you're shorter than me.
Newt: That is not how that works!

Theseus: You can tell yourself whatever you like.

Newt: I-I often do.

Leta: *is watching old Vine compilations on her phone because fuck both of them*

Theseus: *gets fed up and motions Newt to go in ahead of him, the door opening on its own for
them*

Leta: ...Why's the camera still on me.

~This Leta character seems interesting. Sure hope nothing happens to her!~

Travers: Hearing commences. You want an end to the ban on you traveling internationally. Why?

Newt: Because I'd like to travel internationally.

Spielman: I LIVED, BITCH! And now I guess I'm more about putting this pissant down than I am
about catching Grindelwald. Also why am I still visibly injured, not only has it been three months
which is more than enough time for my injuries to mostly heal even without magical means but we
have magical means of healing people, why is this still a problem. *beat* Also you seem super
cagey about what you did last time you left the country.

Newt: Okay so I was trying to send this one thunderbird back home, right, and I was working on
my textbook while I was there—

Travers: You destroyed half of New York.

Newt: Grindelwald destroyed half of New York. Well, his misdirection did, anyway.

Theseus: Newt, don't talk back.

Newt: You mean don't defend myself or explain my actions so they can have better context and
understanding of what I'm about?

Theseus: Exactly, no one likes that.

Newt: This is a hearing where I'm forced to represent myself because apparently we don't have
council of any kind in this fucked up society of which I want as little part to play in as possible!

Theseus: Would you shut up, there's plot happening.

Guzman: Why is it that people would only know my name from reading the script. Anyway, Mr.
Scamander, it's clear that you're a pissy little bitch boy. Which describes everyone here as well. So,
we have put together a cunning plan.

Newt: What kind of cunning plan?

Travers: The committee will agree to lift your travel ban under one condition.

Spielman: You join the Ministry.

Newt: No, no, I'm not going back to the Office of House-Elf Relocation again, I can't fucking do it
—

Spielman: What? No, don't be absurd. We want you to become a cop!

Newt: ...Doesn't that lot need three years extra training in order to attain those types of
qualifications? Because I am, regretfully, bereft of those qualifications. Which means it's sadly
impossible for me to do as you request.

Theseus: Yeah but nepotism. Combined with that possibly only being a nineties problem and we're
still in the twenties where they probably let anyone in with a Hogwarts diploma. Which might how
I managed to squeeze in Leta for the job, come to think of it...

Newt: You know what? Man? No. How 'bout no. I don't wanna, and you can't make me. Fuck this.

Guzman: Mr. Scamander. The magical and nonmagical communities haven't tried to murder each
other in over a century.

Newt: Are we sure about that? What did happen in the Great War, anyway? Or in the American
Civil War, it hasn't even been a century since that event, I never did get closure on that, some type
of fuck had to have been given at one point—

Guzman: None of those events are in any way relevant whatsoever.

Newt: ...You're a black American, what are you talking about.

Guzman: It's not a problem because I don't see color.

Newt: ...I like this so little that I cannot even describe my dislike.

Guzman: Well if you're so concerned about injustice then you know that Grindelwald wants to
completely upend everything as we know it.

Newt: Good!

Guzman: ...Through genocide.

Newt: Oh. Right, forgot about that bit.

Guzman: Anyway, some very fine people on both sides are prone to being tempted to listen to a
white man who speaks to anyone who feels they are denied their privilege, which many magical
people who don't like being forced to hide are prone to do. *beat* Also a lot of them are pureblood
supremacists who want to rule over/exterminate non-magical people, so, there's that hiccup as well.

Newt: When did pensieves get so commonplace that we can just put them into the middle of tables.

Guzman: Since 1927, I guess. Anyway, here's an image of our main villain, and here's an image of
his main target.

Pensieve: *shows an image of Grindelwald which morphs into Credence*

Newt: ...They died last film.

Theseus: No they didn't. You saw the last remnant of them drift away.
Newt: I don't know what I saw.

Spielman: How did they even survive.

Travers: Fuck you, that's how.

Theseus: And they're obviously not in New York anymore, and we think they might be in Europe
but we're not sure. Wherever they are, it's probably where the main setting of this film will end up
playing out.

Newt: And I assume that you want me to hunt down this incredibly young adult and kill them
before Grindelwald uses them against us, is that it.

Grimmson: *pops out from behind a pillar and I'm fairly certain this is another character who's
only named in the script, which is fucked as this one has a way bigger role to play* If you like, you
can wait until it has its next mental health crisis so you can deescalate the situation, know what I
mean?

Newt: Fuck yourself: Take your own dick, bend it past your taint, and insert into the asshole. Go
fuck yourself.

Audience: Wow, these two seem like they have some kind of history together. Sure would be nice
if we were in any way privy to what that history might have been. Like, in some kind of novelized
form, perhaps.

Grimmson: Hey guess what, if you won't do the thing then I will do the thing. So really, you'll be
killing it anyway. Except you probably would've been more...oh, what's that snowflake word you
like to use – humane? Let's go with that one, shall we? *walks over to the pensieve table and stares
at the image of Credence* ...I mean it looks fucking evil. Wouldn't want that hanging around any
karaoke bars, eh?

Newt: I mean no offense, but you are a shitbag. *leaves*

Travers: And you're stuck in the UK, wow, who would've seen that coming.

Theseus: I'll go talk to him. *goes to talk to him* Newt, hold up.

Newt: Don't wanna. *stops anyway*

Theseus: Oh, Grimmson was named here, but like anyone was paying attention if there aren't
subtitles on. Also yes, it sucks that we have to use him—

Newt: I do not want to hear another lecture about how the ends justify the means.

Theseus: This is what you sound like right now: “Is a future that has...not the death of every
human being on the planet worth fighting for? I just don't know.”

Newt: Yeah, and I guess a future where I just want to be left alone without you breathing down my
neck every second of the day counts for nothing, does it?

Theseus: *deep sigh* You know, the time is coming when everyone – everyone – is going to have
to pick a side. Even your useless centrist fucking ass.

Newt: I don't do sides. I mean, look at my fucking options.

Theseus: Newt, I'd rather be divisive than indecisive, drop the niceties.

Newt: We're done here. *moves to leave*

Theseus: ...Hold up. Just one last time.

Newt: … *does in fact stop*

Theseus: Hug?

Newt: No.

Theseus: Oh come on—

Newt: I don't like human contact and I don't like you, how much clearer can I make it.

Theseus: One more and I promise you'll never have to hug me ever again.

Newt: You say that every fucking time.

Theseus: Then how's this for a promise: I won't hug you unless you initiate it.

Newt: ...That is different enough that I'll acquiesce this final time. This final time, are we clear.

Theseus: Great, love it. *wraps his arms around Newt*

Newt: *does not reciprocate*

Theseus: *whispers* You're an asshole, you're a piece of shit, you're human garbage, you're trash,
but I still want us to succeed together. Which is why I'm warning you that you're being watched, I
guess in case Credence comes to you for whatever reason. Or Dumbledore, more likely.

Newt: That's nice, are we done?

Theseus: ...Sure. *lets him go*

Newt: *walks away*

Grimmson: So do I get to do the big murder or nah?

Guzman, Travers, and Spielman: ...Yeah sure.

Grimmson: BOO-YAH.

~Wow, what an appropriate and normal name, it's not too on-the-nose at all.~
 DEAD BABIES ARE HILARIOUS
Chapter Notes

Fuck SCOTUS: Super Best Friends Play, “A Thousand Miles” by Vanessa Carlton,
Pokémon, Mary Poppins, The Simpsons, Silent Hill, A Very Potter Musical, Castle
Super Beast, The Emperor's New Groove, Guardians of the Galaxy, Avatar: The Last
Airbender, The Hobbit, A Crown of Candy, 50% Off, The Producers, Dora the
Explorer, and anything under the Harry Potter umbrella.

~And now we're in Paris. Where it remains cloudy because of fucking course it does.~

Grindelwald: *is wandering through some Parisian street somewhere*

My friend who I forced to watch this with me so I could take notes on their outraged
reactions and who immediately forgot everything the second they stopped watching the lucky
bastard: Did they raid the Underworld costumes for his shoes? Pretty sure I saw Kate Beckinsale
jump off a building in those boots.

Rosier: *is also there* Sometimes you gotta saunter.

Grindelwald: *closes his eyes for a moment, wearing an expression as if he just shat himself –
suddenly I want a fic where he wants to bring back people shitting themselves in public except no I
don't do not send me anything I will not read it – and then opens his eyes again, looking off to his
left. Is he using legilimency to pinpoint a new location or is he having a vision or something,
what's happening here*

A horse-drawn carriage: *exists*

Grindelwald's other followers: *also exist*

Carriage: *stops in front of some random door somewhere*

A dude apparently called Krall according to the script: *is not Idris Alba from Star Trek
Beyond, more's the pity; he opens the door*

Some dude: *in French* Did someone just break and enter?

Presumably his wife: *also in French* Seems to be a pattern for evil wizards, don't it. Can't they
think of anything original— *is brutally murdered along with presumably her husband*

Grindelwald: Are they done yet, I'm getting bored.

Followers: *carry a couple of coffins out – now were those prepared beforehand or did they
transfigure some shit in the house, perhaps the bodies themselves*

Rosier: *is holding a bouquet of flowers*

Grindelwald: *stares blankly as the coffins get loaded into the carriage. What an absolutely stellar
performance he's giving*

Doll: *is sitting on a table*

Grindelwald: *walks inside and toward a mirror over a fireplace* This will be suitable after a
thorough cleanse even though I don't think we do shit to change anything by the next time we're in
here. *turns to his followers* I want you to go to the circus now, take a load off, take in some of
the attractions – oh and pass along my message to Credence, that's probably the most important
aspect.

Nagel: How'd you even find them, anyway.

Grindelwald: Probably the skull bong.

Nagel: Ah yes, the skull bong. *leaves*

Rosier: Fuck, I cannot wait until all this is over. Finally we'll be able to just...fucking...exist,
without having to double check whether or not anyone's watching us, without fear of panic or the
need for obliviation or the possible fear of violence and death – we won't have to hide who we are
anymore!

Grindelwald: I know, right? I can't wait either!

Rosier: And we can pick those lesser than us off one by one at will as they all flee from us in
terror!

Grindelwald: Okay keep that part to yourself, I want our motivation to be understandable and
sympathetic.

Rosier: Sure, but I still wanna murder indiscriminately.

Krall: We have to solve race relations by just...

Rosier: Getting rid of them!

Krall: Just get rid of the ones you don't like!

Grindelwald: Easy, now. The plan isn't for full genocide. The beast of burden will always be
necessary.

Krafft: ...House-elves.

Grindelwald: Shut up.

Toddler: *makes a noise*

Grindelwald: Ah fuck, can't do anything without some kind of horrific interference. *goes upstairs
and enters a child's bedroom with the others in tow* Oh hold on, there's somebody over there. You
have to horribly murder them.

Toddler: *stares at everyone*

Grindelwald: *leans down and stares right back at it*

Toddler: ...Can I help you?

Grindelwald: Not particularly, no. *gets up and moves to leave* Look how evil I am; I can just
wordlessly imply that I want my underlings to kill the baby without having to do it myself!

Carrow: So I'm pretty sure that JKR thinks that baby murder is the worst thing a person can do,
yet considering she keeps showing it over and over it sort of becomes less shocking every time.
Especially since this isn't even the only baby murder in this movie. *kills the toddler offscreen as
Grindelwald closes the door*

Grindelwald: Sure hope people took this scene seriously and weren't outright giggling in the
theater at how over-the-top it was! For now let's go to bed and think about murder.

~It was me, I did the big giggle.~

Newt: *is wandering through London, making his way downtown, walking fast, faces pass, and
he's homebound*

Some dude: *is following him*

Newt: Wonder how I'd even be able to tell that I was being followed, wizards dress like Muggles
all the time now, I haven't seen anyone in robes since that one MACUSA scene. And half the time
those weren't even robes, they were traditional garb of various cultures with maybe a more
whimsical spin to them. *crosses the street and glances behind them* Okay if they're gonna make
direct eye contact with me then they truly suck at their job, I finished Lost Judgment several
months ago and that had way better stalking sequences.

Fuck's sake this Auror's name is Stebbins: I'm probably related to that one Hufflepuff that had a
single mention at the Yule Ball! And the other Stebbins from Snape's Worst Memory! I get that the
community's small and a lot of names last a while, but come the fuck on! *loses sight of Newt as a
car passes*

Newt: Wonder why I'm not just apparating home. *pulls out his wand; he's not even that far off the
road, anyone can see him, what the fuck is he doing* Fifth favorite Kingdom Hearts character.

Stebbins: Oh no! Scamander used GUST! It's super effective! *has his hat blown off and is nearly
blown off his feet; opens his umbrella to try to stop it but just succeeds in getting blown further
down the sidewalk*

Surrounding Muggles: Don't help this man. Simply spread rumors about him.

Newt: Well that's taken care of...Dafuq.

Glove: *floats in midair, waves at him, and flips him off*

Newt: ...Warranted.

Glove: *points at him, then points at St. Paul's*

Newt: Are you asking me to come feed the birds, 'cause I'm more than happy to do so – shit, don't
have any tuppence on me at the moment...

Glove: *holds itself out as if to shake and moves closer to Newt*

Newt: Eh, fuck it, why not. *takes the glove and is transported to the roof of St. Paul's, climbing
around the edge of the roof where a man in a long coat is waiting for him* HI, DUMBLEDORE!

Dumbledore: HI, EVERYBODY! *turns and oh no it's hot young Dumbledore however will we
survive oh wait he's wearing a fedora never mind illusion immediately destroyed. Also the script
describes him as “dandyesque” but when I hear that I think Gilderoy Lockhart or at least something
vaguely flamboyant in any way. But this is just a dude in a trenchcoat and a fedora. Same as
everyone else dressed in a trenchcoat and a fedora. What magical whimsy these visuals present us
with*

Newt: Were the less conspicuous rooftops full, then?

Dumbledore: Why yes. *pulls out his wand, not the Elder Wand but his wand, if I still cared that'd
be fascinating* Silencium hillicus.

Entirety of London: *gets super foggy*

Dumbledore: *apparates onto the foggy streets with Newt* See? Now we can talk privately.

Newt: I feel like it would've actually been safer to just stay on the roof, throw up an Imperturbable
Charm and maybe a couple Dissilusionment Charms if we're feeling fancy, and just chatted there.

Dumbledore: But then we wouldn't have a boatload of trailer shots!

Newt: And people think you're the smartest person in existence because...?

Dumbledore: Yeah I don't really get it either. So how was thing?

Newt: Thing was bad! They're still convinced that you sent me to New York. Apparently. Even
though that didn't actually come up at any point.

Dumbledore: ...But you did tell them that I didn't, right?

Newt: I didn't need to, it never came up. And I'd be lying anyway, wouldn't I, as – ooh, big reveal
here – you told me about Frank in the first place. And the reason you told me about him is because
you knew I wouldn't be able to resist helping him. You completely manipulated me and I feel very
taken advantage of.

Dumbledore: I've always felt an affinity with great magical birds.

Newt: Don't try to deflect.

Dumbledore: Too late! There's a story in my family that a phoenix will come to any Dumbledore
in desperate need.

Newt: ...So why didn't one ever come to Credence when they were being horribly abused by their
adopted mother. Or to Ariana when those three Muggles “attacked” her.

Dumbledore: Hey shut up. My great grandfather actually might've had a phoenix himself, you
know. And then when he died it buggered right off, just like mine will eventually.

Newt: You saying this did in fact convince me that you were gonna get Fawkes at some point this
film.
Dumbledore: Eh, maybe the fourth or fifth one.

Newt and Dumbledore: *glance at each other, smirking, and burst out laughing*

Newt: Anyway, why are you even telling me—

Dumbledore: PHOENIXES CAN CARRY IMMENSELY HEAVY LOADS, THEIR TEARS

HAVE HEALING POWERS, AND THEY MAKE HIGHLY FAITHFUL PETS.

Newt: And there it is. But seriously, was there even anything close to a point to you telling me
this?

Dumbledore: Oh, no, no point in particular. Just important information that everyone should
know. *looks right at the audience* Especially you.

Newt: Cool. So why'd you tell me about Frank again?

Dumbledore: Hang on. *grabs his arm and disapparates, just in time for an Auror to get right
hacked off that they missed their chance*

Newt and Dumbledore: *walk into a park*

Newt: This place is seemingly totally empty. Which is making me even more nervous.

Dumbledore: Hey look the deluminator. *uses it on a couple of lanterns* Pity this scene was cut, I
imagine that people would love to see Thing They Recognize™.

Some random person: *walks by*

Newt: *sidles up really close to Dumbledore where he's hiding behind a wall thing* So why did
you send me to New York?

Dumbledore: Because I knew that Grindelwald would try to catch Credence.

Newt: Okay but how did you know that.

Dumbledore: He'd had a vision, you see, many years ago, in which an obscurial kills a man he
fears above all others.

Newt: And how did you know that!?

Dumbledore: Oh we used to date. Is what I'd say were I allowed.

Newt: And you think he's most scarededed of you, do you?

Dumbledore: *shrugs* Let's walk and talk, it's the name of this deleted scene, after all.

Newt: Is this scene gonna continue being way too on the nose?

Dumbledore: Oh definitely. Anyway, I didn't want Credence to die, which is why I sent you,
because you wouldn't try to fucking murder them while they were having a mental health crisis
like almost anyone else that either of us know would've done.

Newt: And how did you find out that there was an obscurial living in New York?
Dumbledore: Hang on, we need to disapparate again so I can avoid answering that and most of
your other questions.

Newt: Of course we do. *disapparates with him*

Pigeons: *scatter as they do so, and an unborn Harry Potter pisses himself with fear*

Newt: *follows him toward a couple of empty buses*

Dumbledore: Credence is in Paris, Newt.

Newt: And how did literally anyone come by this information?

Dumbledore: *raises a finger to explain, pauses, and slowly lowers it* ...How did we, Kronk?

Kronk: Well you got me. By all accounts it doesn't make sense.

Dumbledore: ...Oh well, back to business. They're trying to trace their biological family. Did you
hear who people think they might be?

Newt: Considering I thought they were dead until like an hour ago, no, and if I did I don't think I
understood the significance as I didn't care.

Dumbledore: Then this'll be an even bigger reveal for you, then. *leads him onto a bus where he
does nothing noticeable to further conceal their presence even though their silhouettes could
probably be seen through the windows and even non-magical people would think two randos on a
stationary bus would be suspicious* So I don't really know how this rumor started, apart from the
fact that an important pureblood being tortured by Muggles into concealing their magic to the point
of becoming the most powerful obscurial anyone had ever seen would feed directly into the
propaganda that we should be doing everything we can to destroy Muggles. Said rumor being that
Credence is the “last” of an important French line.

Newt: Not too familiar with French names apart from that one French name that I know
personally.

Dumbledore: Which is the one I'm talking about. Remember that wee babby?

Newt: The fucking dead one?

Dumbledore: Well what if it didn't die, is the theory.

Newt: Uh-huh, and the reason that you're not remembering that there was a rumor going around
that your brother had knocked up a local Muggle girl and she had to leave around nineteen or
twenty years ago would be because...?

Dumbledore: Because we need that to be revealed next film, not this one.

Newt: Do you in fact know that they're your...there isn't a gender neutral word for nephew and that
bothers me.

Dumbledore: ...I don't think I do?

Newt: I'll take your word for it as I do with most things that come out of your mouth. There's just
one small problem: I don't think anyone really cares about Credence as a character. Like, at all.
And if they did, well, they were expecting for them to have died last film so we can move on to
something new for this one.

Dumbledore: Well you're getting more of the same so deal with it. Now, then: an obscurus grows
in the absence of love. As a dark twin, an only friend. Do not ask me how Voldemort, Harry, etc.
didn't gain obscuri of their own, just fucking leave it, it's completely different, don't worry about it.

Newt: So you want me and Tina to finish what we started, seek Credence out and befriend them,
and guide them gently back into a healthier mode of living so that they can actually embrace their
magical powers and start to truly heal while showing them all the care and affection that we
possibly can, as was implied by our treatment of them at the end of the previous film?

Dumbledore: Wha—no, that's ridiculous! I'm talking about them finding a biological relative that
would be able to heal that void in their heart!

Newt: ...Couple things. One, you're speaking as though the closure of Credence finding their
biological roots would help calm them down, when before you phrased it as only someone loving
them would calm them down. Their biological family already gave them away once before, by
putting them up for adoption in the first place. So why would they automatically feel put at ease by
something like that. Two, just showing up on someone's doorstep and announcing that you're
related by blood doesn't always automatically endear you to someone – we have literally the entire
main series as evidence for this. Blood relation does not always guarantee familial love and to
suggest otherwise is showing off an astounding amount of naivete by someone who should really
know better. Three, for a writer primarily known for writing about an orphan learning to love a
found family rather than trying to force himself to love his blood relatives, JKR seems suddenly
incredibly obsessed with the notion that only your blood relatives can truly love and understand
you.

Dumbledore: I have no real rebuttal to any of those points besides continuing to ignore you so that
is what I shall do.

Newt: Man, can I just...give up and get a dog?

Dumbledore: Listen, this person is a danger to themself and/or others. As is Credence, ba-dum
tish.

Newt: And?

Dumbledore: Oh for...Would. You. Find. Them. For. Me. Please.

Newt: ...Have you done your piece, crazy man?

Dumbledore: Not yet I haven't! *pulls a card out of his sleeve* You can slap this shit on your slap
shit!

Newt: Close-up magic? Really? We're fucking wizards.

Dumbledore: Oh come on, it's fun. *hands it to him* It's an address to an obscenely old
acquaintance of mine who will be played mostly for comic relief and the one joke will get very old
very fast and frankly the best part of it was already in the trailer.

Newt: Oh good.
Dumbledore: He has a safe house in Paris, reinforced with enchantments, one of them possibly
being fidelius with that card being the only way he can communicate said address to you. If so, not
quite sure how Jacob, Tina, and Yusuf will be able to join you later but maybe don't worry about it.

Newt: The hell would I need a safe house for, I'm not in that deep yet.

Dumbledore: “Yet” being the operative word. And for some reason I'm putting a lot of emphasis
on you having tea with him, don't quite know why. *gets up to leave*

Newt: CAN WE TALK ABOUT THE PART WHERE I'M NOT GONNA DO THE THING.

Dumbledore: I look forward to your memoirs. *disapparates*

Newt: *somehow follows him* I was literally just denied my passport getting renewed; Azkaban
is a very real probability if I get caught.

Dumbledore: Um, what was my thought...

Newt: Your thought is that you're a bastard.

Dumbledore: Sure.

Newt: Here's my thought: Fuck you. Fucking bastard.

Dumbledore: No, hang on, I remembered: I should've just told you about the French circus that
had imprisoned all those creatures. That kappa especially comes to mind.

Newt: That actually would've been way better. I would've seen right through you manipulating me
but I wouldn't have been able to stay away, it would've been perfect.

Dumbledore: Well in absence of that, let me change tactics entirely to trying to distract you with a
deluge of compliments in order to butter you up into doing my bidding.

Newt: Which is another form of manipulation but go off.

Dumbledore: Come on, man. I know I keep changing my story every two seconds...Do you know
why I admire you, Newt? More, perhaps, than any man I know?

Newt: ...Are you coming onto me?

Dumbledore: No, I don't date anyone I've taught.

Newt: Small dating pool, then, unless you went international.

Dumbledore: Yeah, tried that once, didn't quite turn out all that well.

Newt: Ah. So is it because of my basic empathy for living things that most consider to be lesser
beings?

Dumbledore: No, it's cause you have no fucking ambition whatsoever. You just try to do the right
thing regardless of what anyone thinks, and you go through with it no matter what. I'd say it's a
Gryffindor trait, but before y'all were “the rest”, Hufflepuff was known for fairness. And there
seems to be no greater cause to you than making sure that those in your charge are treated fairly, by
you if no one else. *begins walking away*
Newt: *follows him* Yeah you're not deflecting your way out of this one. If this is so important to
you then you fucking do it.

Dumbledore: Can't.

Newt: Why the fuck not.

Dumbledore: ...I cannot move against Grindelwald.

Newt: ...Yes, you can, we all know the history.

Dumbledore: Then you know that it'll be 1945 when I finally defeat him. It's only 1927 now. We
have to wait. And I think that is about as clear a non-answer as I can give you.

Newt: Okay but aside from it being too early in the timeline, explain more than not at all why you
can't.

Dumbledore: I mean everyone knows why, frankly, we just can't say it out loud in the films when
it can just be mentioned in interviews.

Newt: Just give me some sort—doesn't have to be a good story reason but that's all I need. Give
me a bad story reason why...Actually, literally just tell me you don't want to fight your ex. That is
an understandable, human reason why you can't go. But do not leave me with fucking nothing.

Dumbledore: Hang on, I have one last manipulative tactic to use on you, and that's to guilt you
into doing the thing you don't want to do.

Newt: I feel like we're leaning toward abuse a little bit, here.

Dumbledore: One could argue that most if not all forms of manipulation are abusive to begin
with. *takes the card* Okay byeeee!

Newt: ...Twat.

Glove: *reappears, card in hand once again, floating forward and placing it in Newt's Pickett
pocket*

Pickett: *pops out* I am Groot!

Newt: I should deliberately not do anything he tells me to do ever again at this point. *walks
home...why didn't he just apparate home in the first place, the actual fuck, he could've avoided
Dumbledore the whole time if he did that—ohhh, that's exactly why he didn't, got it*

~Now this scene...I have no idea when the fuck, so here, fuck it, don't care.~

A fancy interior: *has an even fancier staircase with people wearing clothing that could almost
count as robes along with normal-ass tuxedos*

Theseus and Leta: *walk into the ballroom, Theseus in white tie and Leta in a red carpet dress,
into a room with a bunch of other men in tuxedos and women in red carpet dresses. You know.
Like magical, completely-different-from-us, don't-have-a-clue-about-nonmagical-fashion-or-even-
what-trousers-are-half-the-time wizards*

Leta: Oh good, someone called Yaxley. Can we get any previous generation folks with names that
aren't associated with Death Eaters or aren't just outright pricks?

Theseus: Unpossible.

Leta: Well hopefully he ignores me this time.

Theseus: I am victim blaming you for your uncomfortableness by pointing out that you could've
put in less of an effort or just been born less gorgeous because men can't possibly learn to control
their own fucking actions. *gives Yaxley a friendly wave*

Leta: Oh I am definitely marrying the wrong brother.

Theseus: Then isn't it a pity that Newt and Tina are already canon. Now let me go congratulate
Yaxley on whatever the fuck he's being awarded for, assuming that's why we're here, and then we
can dance, get drunk, bail, and find a place to get even more drunk.

Leta: Now that is a plan I can get behind. *watches Theseus bugger off*

Yaxley: Theseus! My man! Did you just come to this party so your girlfriend could leave an upper-
decker in our bathroom?

Theseus: You know it! *high fives Yaxley and they hug it out*

Leta: I know that this Yaxley and the Yaxley that people'll be familiar with later are two
completely different people but hearing the name still sends an uncomfortable churn in the
stomach. Which, people have the same issue with my name, why am I jumping to that conclusion
myself... *wanders through the ballroom*

Everyone around her: WE ARE OPENLY GOSSIPING ABOUT HER SIBLING MAYBE
BEING ALIVE WITH HER IN FULL EARSHOT AND EVEN THOUGH MOST OF US ARE
WHISPERING WE'RE STILL BEING PRETTY FUCKING OBVIOUS ABOUT IT!

Leta: ...Well this was a fun night and a great idea.

One of the whisperers: Her sibling will lead us from the shadows.

Leta: ...Okay, what!?

A dancer: *is dancing while translucent sheets flow around her, almost like she's airbending them*

Leta: Just my luck that I have to get PTSD whenever I see fucking floating drapery.

Some rando: *goes up to her and whispers in her ear* AREN'T YOU HAPPY THAT YOUR
SIBLING'S STILL ALIVE LIKE THAT ONE POEM THAT WE NEVER REALLY GET THE
FULL CONTEXT OF UNTIL TOO LATE INTO THE FILM TOTALLY SAID WOULD
HAPPEN!? 'CAUSE WE ARE AND WE'LL NEVER STOP TALKING ABOUT IT!

Leta: If you don't step away this entire champagne glass is going up your urethra.

Some rando: Aw come on, I'm giving you something to be happy about! Come on, give me a
smile, would ya?

Leta: Can't, that dancer is still making the sheets do the thing and now it looks even more like a
baby is drowning, what the fuck, did she plan that knowing I was here, that's like the cruelest thing
I've ever fucking seen, and I killed a fucking baby.

Theseus: Huh, wonder what's got her knickers in a twist.

~Yeah that one definitely had the silhouette of a baby in it, that was way too easy to tell exactly
what that was. Also why isn't anyone wearing fucking robes, no wonder this didn't also get an
Oscar for Best Costuming.~

Newt: *walks up to his front door and I know there's that whole thing where apparating into other
people's houses is considered extremely rude but can people not apparate into their own fucking
houses, come the fuck on*

Light in the window: *is flickering on and off*

Newt: *slowly opens the door*

Baby niffler: *is swinging from the chain of a...fucking plugged-in electric lamp that why would a
wizard have that, why the fuck would a wizard living in a magical household have that*

Newt: *stares in exasperation as they rip off the chain and shove it into their pouch*

Baby niffler: *runs to another surface to try and get away*

Different baby niffler: *is playing on some scales and stealing the weights*

Newt: *tries to capture the first baby niffler with a small saucepan, which succeeds in obscuring
their vision so they don't realize they're about to fall off the table, then chucks an apple onto the
scale so the different baby niffler is thrown into the air so that Newt can catch both falling nifflers
at roughly the same time and put them in his pocketses*

Other baby niffler: *is found on top of a cabinet trying to get the gold shit off of a champagne
bottle, causing the cork to pop off and send them flying into the room that Newt had just opened
the door to*

Newt: Bunty! *heads down the stairs* Babies got out again!

Other baby niffler: *falls down the stairs and is miraculously fine as they land in the snow*

Bunty: *looks up from the jaw of the leucrotta she was tending to – and I had to look that up in a
fucking fan wiki, by the way – running and grabbing some gloves as the leucrotta closes their
mouth, and grabbing the baby niffler off of the stairs by dangling a small chain in front of them so
they'd be more compliant*

Newt: Eyyy you did it go you.

Bunty: Yeah we need a tighter cage for these fuckers. Or you need more assistants, I was hip deep
in augurey shit and can't keep my eyes on everything at once.

Newt: Can't afford any right now, I'm afraid. *hands her the other two baby nifflers*

Bunty: Uh-huh, and exactly how many occamy eggs did you give to that Muggle?

Newt: Hey, dude saved my ass and half my creatures, I needed to thank him somehow.
Bunty: And now you can't afford any more help. You get to be alone all the time now.

Newt: Oh, just like you.

Bunty: Hey shut the f...mm, 's true. *puts the baby nifflers in a cage filled with gold that can't be
given to her or anyone else because the fucking nifflers need them* I can only be motivated by my
gargantuan crush on you for so long, you know!

Newt: Sorry, what was that?

Bunty: I said I've fed nearly everyone, whichever one is Pinky has had his nose drops—

Newt: And what about whichever one was Elsie?

Bunty: No more diarrhea!

Newt: Oh huzzah! *is putting eye drops in some of the mooncalfs' eyes* You can bugger off now
if you like.

Bunty: Nah. I complain when shit gets out of hand but I really do like working for you.

Newt: Because you genuinely like my creatures or because you want to slam me down big style?

Bunty: Hopefully yes.

Newt: *notices her injured finger* ...I told you to leave the kelpie to me.

Bunty: And when are you gonna name that one?

Newt: Apparently never.

Bunty: Also that wound's still fucked and I am not in fact incapable.

Newt: I'm not doubting your capabilities, merely your experience. You don't need to be losing
fingers over it.

Bunty: We're magic, we have seen multiple times that there are ways of growing/reattaching
limbs. Also what about your fingers?

Newt: Again with me being more experienced — fuck, am I coming off as a condescending, “men
are stronger than women” piece of shit?

Bunty: Little bit, but at this point I just like watching you work so I don't mind. Today.

Newt: I'll take it. *heads down to a pool, taking off his jacket and waistcoat because I should really
give up on wizards ever dressing appropriately but it's not gonna stop pissing me off any time soon
so I won't*

Bunty: *takes the suit jacket that Newt had thrown on the bannister* ...Can I keep this? I-I'm
keeping this. I'm gonna make a quilt. A Newt quilt.

Newt: Fine, if it means you'll go the fuck home already.

Bunty: And miss the opportunity to see you soaking wet in that shirt? I think not! Though I do
think it'd be nice to see you without said shirt, my imagination can only do so much, you know.

Newt: I do not feel comfortable stripping in front of you.

Bunty: But it's different, isn't it, because your nipples aren't somehow considered offensive.

Newt: This is the wizarding world and we still don't know too much about it; for all we know
neither of our nipples would be considered offensive. Or both would, who the fuck knows. Either
way, I feel uncomfortably objectified and would appreciate it if you stopped; if the genders were
reversed everyone would realize how inappropriate this scene truly is. *hops into the pool
backwards*

Kelpie: *swims by him*

Camera: *keeps cutting back to Bunty for some reason*

Audience: ...Okay who the fuck is she and why should we care.

Kelpie: *barrels into Newt and whisks him away*

Water level: *magically rises, splashing on Bunty*

Bunty: *is now soaking wet and lets out an overly loud gasp, do you get it, it's like a double
entendre, she's physically wet with water and it is also implied that she is sexually wet with arousal,
do you get it, do you get the hilarious erection joke that is being made here* I'M WET! I'M
HYSTERICAL AND I'M WET! *jogs up the stairs*

Newt: *is still riding the keplie*

Kelpie: *eventually crests the surface of the water showing off a cloudy lakeside view that is either
a magically recreated environment again or Newt somehow has a portal to the Hogwarts lake or
some shit. My money's on the former, in which case this is twice now that we've seen Newt expand
the inside of a place to create a safe environment for his animals; how does every magical person
not secretly live in a mansion*

Newt: *takes a couple of seaweed hairs and uses them as reigns to bring the kelpie under control*
Okay, we're good, toss me the shit.

Bunty: Thought you told me to go home.

Newt: Eh, you're still here. *dismounts onto the stairs*

Bunty: That's what I thought. *hands him the ointment*

Newt: Kelpie, no biting. Kelpie no biting. Kelpie, no biting!

Kelpie: Aw, man!

Bunty: *feeds the kelpie from a bucket while Newt treats his wound*

A crash: *is heard*

Bunty: The hell?

Newt: Either the nifflers got out again or there's a home invasion type thing happening.

Bunty: Should I call the wizard cops?

Newt: And risk them harming us instead? Absolutely not. Besides, with my luck it might actually
be the wizard cops. Just...disapparate or something, I don't know if there's a backdoor down here.
*runs up the stairs, drying his clothes on the way*

Bunty: *is staring longingly after him as he leaves* ...Okay, see you next film, I suppose.

Newt: You'll be lucky if anyone remembers you! *cracks open the door, wand at the ready*

Queenie: Dude, just gimme, I can fix it with magic.

Jacob: I feel like you could actually fix it with magic at any time and you don't actually need me to
hand anything over to you.

Queenie: Probably but we still wanna be super sneaky and mysterious, I guess.

Jacob: Also Newt could fix this with magic.

Queenie: Granted...

Queenie and Jacob: *notice Newt*

Newt: ...HI, EVERYBODY!

Queenie and Jacob: HI NEWT!

Jacob: *drops the large vase pieces and immediately goes in for a massive hug* I MISSED YOU,
MY DUDE!

Newt: I missed you too but even though it's you I'm still not a very huggy person.

Queenie: Yes we should've knocked but it was raining and I guess no one can do that wand
umbrella spell from the previous movie anymore. *hangs her coat up*

Newt: Okay but how the fuck is this even possible, you lost your memory at the end of the last
film.

Jacob: Yeah, about that. See, this whole retcon could've easily been avoided had I just come to the
UK with Queenie in the first place, right, obviously, I could've opened another bakery here easily,
probably. But JKR put in a loophole when she was first describing the swooping evil's venom in
the first place, y'see. The potion only erases bad memories, and I didn't have any for the most part.

Newt: ...And denying someone assistance isn't a banker's wet dream? That senator being killed
didn't have a positive impact on his brother? No one in New York was incredibly uplifted by the
knowledge that magic was in fact real?

Jacob: Nope! There were no other consequences whatsoever!

Newt: Of course there weren't. *sighs* Honestly if something about the murtlap bite had somehow
negated some of Frank's bullshit, I'd be way more happy to accept this complete negation of your
sacrifice that Queenie just steamrolled over, completely destroying the emotional impact of that
incredibly moving ending...

Jacob: So granted not all of my memories were happy – the scary weird ones were more foggy
than most – but then Queenie walked into my store. That was honestly probably the trigger for
everything coming back to me, for me knowing none of it was a weird dream or some kind of
fucked-up inspiration for my pastries. And now the two of us are together – now the three of us are
together! *takes Queenie in his arms*

Newt: I am in fact incredibly happy about this! I mean, the big emotional beat of the end of the
previous film has been made utterly null and void and I will never tear up at it again, but who
cares, the best part of the films is back in the films!

Jacob: *nuzzles in to Queenie's shoulder*

Newt: ...And you seem happier about it than I do, which I suppose makes sense...Oh! If you two
are here, that must mean that Tina's here too! *rushes toward the front door* Tina! Come on out, I
wanna see you!

Queenie: Oh she ain't here. 'Cause you know she would've been the first one in if she was.

Newt: ...Oh. Yes, I suppose that's true.

Queenie: How 'bout I make us all something to eat, huh? I know the stereotype is that British food
is bland and tasteless but I'm sure I could do something with it.

Jacob: Fuck would I prefer that.

~I need to take a break because the next part of this scene...angers me.~
 I CAME UP WITH A NEW PLOT FOR THIS MOVIE THAT DOESN'T
INVOLVE DATE RAPE, IT WAS SUPER EASY
Chapter Notes

What the fuck this discourse, I've known that cis men can lactate under the right
circumstances since, like, fucking 2000 or earlier, that is in fact basic biology.

Also, since everyone is leaving Twitter, I feel like I should actually explain what
happened. This would only really be known to people who are just as terminally online
as JKR is (it's me, I'm people). Content warning for having to quote her directly.

Pink News is a news site that focuses on queer topics and often writes negatively
about JKR, on account of her being a celebrity which unfortunately makes any horrific
comment she makes about trans people newsworthy. This has prompted accusations of
them piling on her. The editor for that site, a gay man with he/him in his bio (the
audacity!), was tweeting about how the LGB Alliance “instigated Twiter pile-ons on
me and many other LGBTQ+ people, resulting in a deluge of hate and abuse to the
point of having to shut down my account.” To which one douchebag among many,
continuing to spew hate/indifference in the replies, came up with the “joke” of,
“Seriously? The news editor of Pink News complaining about pile-ons? Laughing face
laughing face laughing face laughing face.” To which JKR then replied, “I just
guffawed so loudly and unexpectedly I might have pulled something.”

To recap. A gay man talks about the hate he faces for something innate about himself
that he can't change, and for defending other people who are also facing hate due to
something innate about themselves that they can't change. The woman who's facing
“pile-ons” of her own for having a (bigoted) opinion that she can in fact change at any
time laughs at the hate he's getting because she thinks that turnabout is fair play.
Probably because Pink News is an American news organization so she can't sue them
like she can British publications and so she has to resort to petty bullying.

You know, I used to view this woman as a giant, but now she's just so...small. Apart
from being furious at her actions, I'm honestly just starting to...pity her. This is the
woman who told everyone to pity those who live without love, after all, so I suppose it
makes sense that I'd feel pity for someone with so much hate in her heart.

Still mostly pissed, though.

The age of Pride Month is over. The time of Wrath Month has come: The Lord of
the Rings, Super Best Friends Play, Star Wars, Airplane!, PeachSaliva's Twitch
channel, Castle Super Beast, Undertale, The Simpsons, Hellsing Ultimate Abridged,
The Greatest Showman, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, Monty Python and the Holy
Grail, Kung Pow: Enter the Fist, James Bond, and anything under the Harry Potter
umbrella.

~We're off to a ROLLOCKIN' good start!~

Jacob: *is being pushed into place by Queenie as she sets him up with a napkin bib* I'm in the
mood for a big saggy penis.

Queenie: Good thing I'm making spotted dick, then! *to Newt* So yeah, big sisterly falling out,
you know how it is.

Newt: I actually do know what a big sibling falling out is like, but while mine continues to have no
stated context whatsoever I would very much like to know yours.

Jacob: Wonder if this weird pink haze I'm seeing through is indicative of anything.

Audience: ...I have a bad feeling about this...

Queenie: Hey you know how the law against magical people marrying nonmagical people is very
much still in effect and how Tina's a cop again so she's all about rules and shit?

Newt: Unfortunately yes.

Queenie: Well I'm still seeing Jacob and she's pissed about that. *is cutting Jacob's food for him as
she talks* She's also pissed off at you, though, so we're at least in the same boat together.

Newt: The hell did I do? I mean besides rightfully criticize her job at every opportunity as the only
good kind of cop is either a whistle blower or one that quits.

Queenie: Apparently some random textbook writer is enough to make headlines in one of my
gossip rags. Which, we got Grindelwald shit going on, there has to be more interesting stuff for the
tabloids to go nuts over... *summons a copy of Spellbound and opens it to a page of Newt, Leta,
and Theseus at the opening of Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. Uh, the actual in-
universe textbook, not the movie premiere* Hey can we talk about your publisher?

Newt: What, Obscurus Books?

Queenie: Yeah, kind of a dick move to name your publishing company after a dark parasite known
for killing children. Especially one that you've had two experiences with now, neither of which
ended well.

Newt: Yeah I seriously doubt that JKR had any of this planned out when she came up with the
name for the joke-ish textbook she wrote for charity over two fucking decades ago.

Queenie: It just seems kind of fucked up in-universe, is all. Anyway, “Newt Scamander with
fiancée Leta Lestrange. Brother Theseus and Unknown Woman Who I Had To Pause And Really
Look To Realize Was Bunty.”

Newt: Well this is a massive misunderstanding. Theseus is marrying Leta, not me.

Queenie: Oh what a delightful set up for a romcom! Thaaaat JKR's notoriously bad at writing, oh,
fuck, this movie's gonna be fucking terrible, isn't it... *sits next to Jacob*

Jacob: *picks up either the salt or pepper shaker and starts seasoning his hand and licking it* Eve
fucked a snake and gave birth to an apple.

Queenie: She sure did, sweetie. So, uh, Tina read that, and, well, in classic Hermione-dating-
Cormac-to-get-back-at-Ron fashion that I guess all women have to follow, she started dating some
dude called Achilles Tolliver, who's another auror. Instead of, you know, just contacting you or
sending me as a proxy and just asking you what the fuck. Do not know how HR is handling that or
if we even have an HR department, but...

Jacob: You fuckers have the stupidest names, you know that? *is laughing way too hard*

Queenie: *nods eagerly* You put enough shit onto shit, you get shit.

Newt: ...So should we write to her and explain things? If I clear up that misunderstanding I'm sure
that at least my relationship with her will start to heal.

Queenie: Eh, she's on some secret bullshit anyway, it probably won't get to her.

Newt: ...Huh...

Queenie: And who cares because I HAVE A BIG HAPPY ANNOUNCEMENT OF MY OWN!
*pours Jacob a glass of probably booze* WE ARE ALSO GETTING THE BIG MARRIED!

Jacob: I AM THE BIG MARRIED TO MYSELF AND HAVE ALSO DEVELOPED A

DRINKING PROBLEM! *happily splashes his booze right into his face*

Newt: Dude, you okay? You're worrying me with your behavior.

Queenie: IGNORE HIM HE'S FINE. *shoots off some sparks with her wand in a futile attempt to
distract*

Newt: *thinks to himself* Oh, my soul can't be booing any harder. You've put a fucking date rape
spell on him, haven't you.

Queenie: It's not fucking date rape and also no I haven't. *dries Jacob's face with his napkin*

Newt: Stop reading my mind and it absolutely the fuck is.

PeachSaliva: I forced Pat to watch this movie, Strange Magic, and it might as well be called The
Roofie Didn't Work!

PatStaresAt: The whole thing's about how “I roofied these people and I'm mad that the roofie
didn't take.” Like, it ignores the fact that, in the modern context of the real world that we live in,
because of the drugs that have been created by humans, Love Potions are just roofies. “I drug
women so they have sex with me!” said the character! Not Pat!

PeachSaliva: It's nuts, it's like, “What're you doing, George [Lucas]?”

PatStaresAt: It's fucked. It's super fucked. The man doesn't understand romance for shit, and he
makes it super creepy.

Newt: And guess who else doesn't understand romance, as you yourself just established.

Queenie: Well in this case she did it right, you saw the last movie, we were one of the best things
about it together. And besides, look how precious and happy he is, why would anyone want to ruin
that?!

Newt: Queenie.
Queenie: ...I'm just sayin'.

Newt: “I'm just sayin'” is not the most valid excuse for everything.

Queenie: Sometimes it is.

Newt: No. *takes out his wand* I'm breaking him out of this right the fuck now; I refuse to see my
friend be treated this way.

Queenie: *gets up and bodily gets between him and Jacob* No, no, you're wrong because it's a
woman doing it to a man so it can't be bad, your own laws even agree with me that it's not bad, and
if it's the law then it's always morally correct every time, ignore how I'm going against my own
American laws right the fuck now.

Newt: Okay, okay, no, no, decelerate, slow down, yield.

Queenie: Sorry, Newt, I can't hear you over my acceleration.

Newt: *sighs deeply* Queenie, you've taken away his freedom to choose. You are manipulating
him against his will, and I don't like the implications of what else you might have done to him in
the meantime. Taking away anyone's consent, for any reason, is never right, and the fact that this is
being played as comic relief and that you're the one being shoved into a sympathetic light frankly
disgusts me and has irrevocably destroyed every single thing I'd previously liked about your
character.

Queenie: Yeah, well, you know, that's just like, uh...your opinion, man.

Newt: No that's not an opinion, that's a motherfucking goddamn crystal-clear fact!

Jacob: That's a hard maybe!

Newt: Queenie, let me take the spell off him. Now.

Queenie: … *pulls her arm out of Jacob's grasp and steps back*

Jacob: *is still looking at Newt through a pink haze* You can't microwave womanly flavor.
*giggles*

Newt: Surgito. Which is different from finite incantatem so at least there's that but also I further
don't like the implications of me knowing such a specific spell.

Jacob: *starts shaking violently as a bunch of pink mist leaks out of him, forming a massive pink
heart above his head like Newt just destroyed a boss Heartless or some shit that disappears once it's
all out* ...Why is my face wet.

Newt: YO DUDE I HEARD YOU GOT ENGAGED, CONGRATS!

Jacob: The absolute fuck are you talking about.

Newt: I see. *looks pointedly at Queenie*

Jacob: ...Oh come the fuck on.

Queenie: *picks her suitcase back up (with several things conveniently falling out of it so we can
have a plot later), grabs her coat, and goes to leave*

Jacob: Hang on, let me attempt to handle this. Queenie, if we could just fucking talk for like five
seconds—

Queenie: *ignores him and goes out the door*

Jacob: *turns briefly back to Newt* It's very nice to see you – where the hell am I right now?

Newt: Uh, London.

Jacob: Oh! *slaps his thigh and goes outside* I ALWAYS WANTED TO GO HERE!

Newt: *calling after him* WHO'S MINDING THE BAKERY WHILE YOU'RE GONE?

Jacob: LIKE I HAVE ANY FUCKING IDEA! *goes after Queenie* Seriously, when the fuck
were you gonna wake me up, 'cause after having five rape babies doesn't seem too far out of the
question with the way you've been behaving.

Queenie: *turns to him* Why is it so wrong to wanna marry you? To wanna have a family? I just
want what everyone else has, that's all.

Jacob: Look I get that this is supposed to be a metaphor for people who could historically not get
married and in many cases still can't get married, but it kind of falls away when the couple that
people are presented with is still an attractive cisheteronormative white couple, coded Jewish
though possibly both of us might be.

PatStaresAt: Right now, I am going to put words in David Cage's mouth, words that I have
assumed for a long time but always seemed ridiculous and mean even for me, about Detroit
[Become Human]. Because Detroit is What If Black People Were Robots, because remember, “It's
not about race”, “It's not about civil rights”. Right? And all I can think of when I look at Detroit is
a guy writing a story, and he wants to write it about civil rights, but he decides to make most of the
characters white, because he goes “Well nobody'll care if it's about actual minorities or black
people. I've gotta—I've gotta make it about, like, you know, something people'll care about. Like
robots!” Like, that's what I assume is going through his fucking head.

Jacob: Replace robots with magic bullshit and those're my thoughts exactly.

Queenie: I don't care about being a metaphor right now, I care about us being together. *starts
walking away*

Jacob: No, we are still talking about this. If we get married and they find out, they'll throw you in
that same jail that Grindelwald was just being kept in, and I'll be obliviated by a professional this
time probably.

Queenie: But why can't we move here? They don't care what someone's background is as long as
they're straight! We could actually get married here, you could open another bakery with the
profits from the last one, especially if you sell it—

Jacob: Listen. We need to swing back around to the date rape thing.

Queenie: It's not date rape 'cause a woman can't be an aggressor though—

Jacob: We're stopping that argument because anyone can be an aggressor and anyone can be a
victim and that is an actual fact and I am not typing any kind of argument against that fact again
because it makes me far too furious. My point is that you don't need any kind of magic to force me
to feel some kind of affection for you in the first place, because I'm already so desperately in love
with you that I am more than willing to forgive you for putting that date rape spell on me in the
first place. *brushes her hair out of her face*

Queenie: ...Really?

Jacob: Of course. But we need to consider the reality of the situation, and you not being in jail is
more important to me than a marriage certificate, you understand?

Queenie: ...So back to you not wanting to move to London for no fucking reason, then. Just give
me some sort—doesn't have to be a good story reason but that's all I need. Give me a bad story
reason why none of this even crossed your mind.

Jacob: Yeah I actually have no reason why not. But from now on, I would like to actually consent
to any upcoming decisions we make, and to have a semblance of free will, like, literally at all.

Queenie: ...But by not answering my very simple question as to why we can't just move to a
country where we mostly speak the language and would actually be able to live the life we want,
you are denying my free will and consent because I don't have enough information to actually work
with, so I'm forced to resort to drastic measures because you're being unreasonable.

Jacob: ...HOW THE FUCK IS NOT WANTING TO BE PUT UNDER A SLAVE SPELL THAT I
CANNOT POSSIBLY FIGHT BACK AGAINST BECAUSE I AM NOT MAGIC BEING
UNREASONABLE.

Queenie: How dare you think I'm insane.

Jacob: YOU USED SOMETHING CLOSE TO THE THE IMPERIUS CURSE ON ME AND
JUST BECAUSE I AM ULTIMATELY FORGIVING YOU FOR IT DOES NOT MEAN THAT
YOU ARE ALLOWED TO GET ANGRY AT ME FOR REASONABLY THINKING THAT
YOU'RE FUCKING INSANE!

Queenie: I am so offended at being called out for my wrongdoings and being made to face the
consequences of my actions that I am going to visit my sister rather than spend literally any time
with you anymore.

Jacob: WOULD THE MOVIE STOP PAINTING YOU AS SYMPATHETIC, YOU ARE THE
ONE IN THE WRONG HERE!

Queenie: Well if that's how you really feel—

Jacob: THAT'S HOW EVERYONE WATCHING THIS SHOULD FEEL!

Queenie: Fine, fuck you, too. *disapparates*

Jacob: ...I think the planet Earth has collectively decided that they don't want none. *mopes a bit*
Well at least this can't get any worse—oh fuck my entire ass.

Rain: *falls down*

Newt: *is still inside and notices something on the floor* Papyrus reparo.
Papyrus: NYEH-HEH-HEH! THANK YOU, HUMAN!

Newt: No not you.

Postcard: *reforms where it had apparently been completely torn apart at some point*

Tina's writing: Maybe it's the beer talking, Queenie, but Newt's got a butt that won't quit. They
got these big chewy pretzels here thamenfjanrtagcdcmbeereh FIVE DOLLARS!? Get out of here...

Newt: ...Better than that unbelievably generic message in the original. It's almost as if this postcard
only exists for me to have some idea as to where to go next, even though Dumbledore already gave
me said location. Though of course I wasn't going to go for his or Credence's sake and only now
that the power of boners has compelled me will I bother going to where the plot is.

Jacob: *overlooks the basement* ...Yo Newt! Did you blow up your basement like you did with
your case?

Newt: Sure did!

Augurey: *makes bird noises at Jacob*

Jacob: Weirdly not in the mood for any Fantastic Beasts™ right now. And yes I know whose
house I'm in, shut up.

Augurey: *takes flight so we can have a brief bird's eye view of the space*

Newt: *is leaving notes for Bunty to better take care of his creatures while he's away and I'm
genuinely surprised that she's not still there*

Augurey: *lands on the back of a chair*

Case: *now has a picture of Tina that was torn out of a newspaper pinned to the inside of the lid*

Jacob: *goes up to take a closer look*

Newt: Howdy! *walks over holding what looks like a tiny lantern*

Jacob: And which Fantastic Beast™ do you have for us today?

Newt: It's a hinkypunk.

Jacob: ...Looked a lot bigger in the PoA video game.

Newt: Well let's pretend this one's a baby. Anyway they're apparently good at deactivating tracking
charms.

Jacob: So there are tracking charms in this universe.

Newt: Apart from the Trace, yes.

Jacob: So where are you going and can I come.

Newt: I was hoping you'd ask that. Queenie conveniently left an entirely torn-up postcard for the
purpose of leading us to Next Location. Tina's in Paris presumably looking for Credence even
though I have no actual way of knowing that detail.

Jacob: And since Queenie's gonna head over to her, we can track down both sisters at the same
time and hopefully clear everything up and win them back somehow! Heh... *sighs* You know, if
the first movie was just a wacky flick about us tracking down all your escaped animals, and then
this movie was about a couple of wacky misunderstandings that led to us going through France
trying to track down our girlfriends – and Tina could be investigating the circus which could lead
to like a bunch of Fantastic Beasts™ for you to find – then that would be a halfway decent couple
of movies.

Newt: Agreed, frankly. Hang on, let me summon your coat for you. *summons his coat for him*

Jacob: Thanks, pal.

Newt: No problem. Also this. *uses his wand as a blow dryer to dry Jacob from the rain*

Jacob: ...What happened to that instant drying spell you used before you came upstairs to greet us,
I feel like that one's slightly less humiliating.

Newt: Which is why I used this one on you, yes.

Jacob: You cheeky dick waffle!

Newt: *takes his case, pops it open on the floor, and summons some gold* Come on, we're taking
care of a bunch of baby, even more out-of-control nifflers while we're out!

Jacob: ...They'll be offscreen the literal entire time, right?

Newt: Oh definitively, we're never even gonna mention them again.

Baby nifflers: *all follow the coin that Newt just tossed into the air into the case which now has
the top of a tree poking out of it for them to climb down*

Newt: Also if it makes you feel any better I actually bothered to fix my case during the time skip.

Jacob: ...It in fact does, thanks for that.

Newt: *whistles*

Older niffler who still doesn't have a name yet: *peaks his head out and slumps on the floor*

Newt: I had to entice his kids with something shiny so why shouldn't I have needed to summon
something shiny for him as well. *summons a necklace*

Niffler: *is now excited and grabs onto the necklace*

Jacob: What happened to the mom niffler?

Newt: Died in childbirth.

Jacob: Dark!

Newt: Wait 'till you see the rest of the film. *lifts his wand and the necklace and niffler with it*
Now you need to understand that I'm only taking you so that you can swipe the blood pact at the
end of this whole thing, you got that? *drops both the necklace and niffler into the case and closes
it*

Jacob: *follows him upstairs*

Final note to Bunty: Going to Paris. Have taken the nifflers with me to ease your load I guess.
Anyway have fun and don't get eaten.

~Seems like there's more going on here than I originally anticipated which was nothing.~

Shot of nighttime at Paris: *exists*

Statue of what seems to be a topless woman in a long skirt: *also exists – I just realized during
this viewing that that was the statue on the postcard that Tina sent to Queenie – and moves its
head*

Doctor Who fans: *start having horrific flashbacks*

Tina's feet: *slowly move down the stairs*

The feet of some non-magical person: *move faster down the stairs as someone goes past the
statue*

Statue: *motions for Tina to come closer*

Tina: *makes sure the coast is clear before slipping under the statue's skirt – there's got to be some
kind of commentary here – and through the stone base beneath*

Statue: *was actually a secret portal to maybe the Diagon Alley equivalent in France? Iunno, we
received no Pottermore information about France before this movie came out and, for all the
negative feedback the info on North America garnered, this was when I was still really deep in
there and was expecting lore to drop. And also having that background would've made the movie
far easier to follow, we never know what this place is or the significance of the statue or anything
else. Was that even a real statue in France? Because I don't give enough of a shit to actually look it
up*

The script: *says the statue is a place “where witches and wizards dressed as Muggles are
vanishing” So every fucking witch and wizard ever shown in the films is here, got it*

Tina: *exits into somewhere called Place Cachée, which you'd only know about from reading the
script or purchasing the Blu-Ray and watching the bonus shit, which it would deeply surprise me if
anyone did the latter, and the script's easier to access anyway. Erm, completely legally, of
course...*

Small child running into a bubble: WHOA! *flies up into the air not unlike a few of Newt's
creatures from the last movie*

Man who put him in the bubble: *bursts into song*

It's everything you ever want
It's everything you ever need

Giant firework of a dragon or a giant salamander or something:

And it's here right in front of you
This is where you wanna be
*explodes*

Tina: *is wandering through*

Someone: *is riding a graphorn in the background*

It's everything you ever want
It's everything you ever need

A crowd of people: *is staring at a zouwu in a tremendously small cage*

A couple of what look to be albinos:

And it's here right in front of you
This is where you wanna be
THIS IS WHERE YOU WANNA BE!
*are blowing fire out of their mouths which shouldn't really seem like the greatest feat considering
they're all fucking magical but whatever I guess*

A bunch more children: *are being sent up into bubbles*

Where it's covered in all the colored lights
Where the runaways are running the night
Impossible comes true, it's taking over you
Oh! This is the greatest show!

A sign that says “Le Cirque Arcanus: Musee des Curiosites Vivantes”: *translates to “Museum
of Living Curiosities” which is significantly better than the “Freaks and Oddities” subheading that
was in the script*

The script: “TINA walks past the street performers working in the open, scrutinizing them. A
HALF-TROLL performs feats of strength. A few misshapen and particularly downtrodden
humanoids – UNDERBEINGS without powers but with magical ancestry – shuffle around, taking
money from the crowd. Horns hidden beneath hats, unusual eyes beneath hoods; HALF-ELVES
and HALF-GOBLINS juggle and tumble.”

ShieldEcho: ...So someone being half house-elf is different than someone being half giant or even
half troll or half goblin. On account of house-elves being a literal slave race. One who is a slave
cannot consent, and the odds of them having been freed before they were forced to have a child are
slim to none. Did...Did JKR really not think of the implications when she added this part!?

Someone: *visibly has horns but it's hard to tell if they literally have horns or if that's just a
souvenir hat thing.

ShieldEcho: Like, this whole circus and the injustices that every living creature here seems to face
should have been the focus of the fucking movie. No Grindelwald fuckery need be involved, but
Dumbledore still could've been the one who gave Newt the heads up that creatures were being
abused at said circus. Tina could've been here looking for some international fugitive that was
hiding out as one of the “freaks.” Could've even been fucking Nagini. The main villain could've
been Skender, or some commentary on how governments really don't give a shit after all about
marginalized people falling through the cracks. Tina goes to the circus to do bullshit, and Newt
conveniently meets up with her there. Jacob and Queenie aren't there because that final scene from
the last movie was too perfect to fuck with and we just never hear from them again.

Tina: *is ignoring all of this as she steps up to the ticket booth for this deleted scene*
Skender: Oh come on, I already told you that one of my albinos needs that weed for his anxiety,
can you not let it go!?

Tina: Ah, see, I'm one of the good cops, one who needs CBD gummies to fall asleep, I'm not out
here being a hypocrite.

ShieldEcho: *is still fucking going* Newt saves a bunch of magical creatures and finds that
sometimes people are also treated like abused animals. Nagini could end up being a huge part of
that; she's being hunted by governments because of a curse that's out of her control and Tina could
immediately see that she shouldn't be tracking her down. Newt could've given her and everyone
else the help that he couldn't have given Credence, who would've tragically died last movie:
character growth easily visible onscreen. Newt and Tina meet at the circus, Newt explains the
misunderstanding if there still is one, and they band together to save everyone working at the
circus. Leta and/or Theseus can still show up if they have to on the same case as Tina; Theseus can
be way more fleshed out in that we finally get to hear what Newt's actual fucking beef with him is.

Skender: *is also ignoring this* You're still a fucking cop and I don't trust you. Not with that hair,
you look like shit, I hope whoever convinced literally anyone that this was a good hairstyle burns
in fucking hell.

Tina: Well it's what I'm stuck with for the movie so get fucking used to it. Now are ya gonna let
me in or not, I'm still a paying customer, aren't I?

Skender: ...Fine, sure, whatever. *lets Tina pass*

ShieldEcho: *is still fucking going* Everyone gets into Newt's case/on the zouwu to escape and
finally convince the French ministry to actually look after its fucking magical citizens, no matter
how different they might be, because everyone deserves to be cared for. Theseus can maybe be
shown to finally agree here and Leta will be like yay, or she could've been killed by Skender and
that's what brings Theseus to Newt's side if we still have to fridge a bitch. And then cut back to
London where the kappa, who's lived their entire life confined to a tiny bathtub, is hanging out with
the kelpie in the massive water tank thing in Newt's basement while Newt and Tina stand arm-in-
arm and that's where the movie ends. And then the after credits sequence is Nagini working on
living a new, independent life in Albania or something. *takes a long pause, then starts slamming
their head into the keyboard over and over* WHY AM I STILL PLANNING FANFIC FOR A
FANDOM THAT I AM NO LONGER A PART OF, AND WHY IS THIS SHIT SUMMARY I'VE
COME UP WITH STILL SOMEHOW BETTER THAN THIS ENTIRE FUCKING MOVIE.

Nagini: Yeah I would've enjoyed all of that way more than just being a recognizable name and a
male-presenting character's emotional support system given human form with no chance at being
anything more than that. *is stroking what looks like a dress; friendly reminder that this human
woman will eventually become Voldemort's literal pet*

Credence: *comes over and looks through the bars of her cage* 'Sup, Nagini.

Film audience: ...Wut.

Nagini: Oh hey. Wonder how we met and started hanging out.

Credence: No idea, you'd think a full five-film franchise would establish that more than not at all.

Nagini: Three, sir.

Credence: Three. Also shit like how I got here, how I became affiliated with the circus, or
anything, really.

Nagini: You know what could've fleshed this out way better? Some kind of added narrative
structure found in maybe something like a novel or something where you could easily sum that up
in a couple of paragraphs before moving on.

Credence: Yeah but that'd just be silly.

Nagini: *goes up to the bars* We're doing a count of how many lines I have in the actual movie.

Credence: And we're gonna count you just saying my name as one of them?

Nagini: Kinda have to, yeah. Anyway, what's up?

Credence: The fact that I'm alive might complicate things.

Nagini: Oh considerably.

Credence: Also I might've found my mom. Don't ask how because I will literally never tell you.

Nagini: You got it.

Credence: ...You wanna get the fuck out of here?

Nagini: Oh you have no idea. *goes to stroke their face because she's female and they're male-
coded and both of them are attractive and therefore they have to be in a heteronormative-passing
relationship, it's the law apparently*

ShieldEcho: *rolls eyes in Aromantic*

I don't think I'd know this man's name was Skender without the script: *comes forward and
wrenches Nagini away from the bars* Excuse me, but she's my property, I own her. Now get back
to I guess your janitorial duties and clean up the kappa's shit already. And you, go change into the
outfit that you'll be wearing for the literal rest of the movie. *closes the curtain*

Kappa: *is trying to relax in the bathtub except some idiot thought it would be a good idea to put a
cage full of firedrakes right the fuck above it and they keep shooting off sparks and shit that keep
landing on the kappa's head*

Credence: *stares at the firedrakes and gets an idea. An awful idea. Credence gets a wonderful,
awful idea*

Skender: *is now in front of an audience and bursts into song*

Come alive
Come alive
Go and light your light
Let it burn so bright

Circus audience:
Reaching up
To the sky
And it's open wide
You're electrified

Skender: And our next act is all kinds of fucked up, but not for the reasons presented before you!
She do be a maledictus!

Circus audience and also probably film audience: OoooooOOOOOOOoooooh! The fuck does
that mean!

Nagini: *wanders into the middle of the cage*

Skender: We trapped this human woman in the jungles of Indonesia, I boast like it's something to
be proud of and not a literal crime!

Credence: *is staring at the act from the back – there's a house-elf behind them so how did they
even get the fucking job, you don't have to pay house-elves*

Skender: If we truly thought that being cursed was enough of a reason to show people off as
freaks in a circus, I wonder if we have any werewolves on staff and specifically bring them out
during a full moon for profit. If we do I hope we make the audience sign a fucking waver first.
Also I'm going to drop the term “Underbeings” without explaining what that means; even though
the definition might seem self-defining in its clear derogatory nature, it might be in the audience's
best interest to know what I'm actually talking about, especially since they can't read what the
definition actually is unless they buy the script. *beat* Which might've been part of the plan all
along, huh. Anyway, this one's gonna turn permanently into an animal eventually.

Credence: ...The fuck is that weird naked giant thing with tusks that's right next to me meant to be.

Skender: And further outside information was in fact revealed that it's a blood curse – in other
words a genetic disease – that only affects those assigned female at birth. Which, time for yet
another bigass rant: if Maledictus is a curse passed down from mother to daughter, then why not
decide to go childless for fear of passing on the curse? That was Remus's whole deal when Tonks
got pregananant, though granted he should have communicated with his fucking wife that he didn't
want to chance passing down his curse but that was still his big fucking fear. Hell, avoiding
passing down a genetic disease that you know you have is why many people in the real fucking
world choose to go childless as well! My mother and a great aunt both had breast cancer, I don't
want to chance giving that to a daughter! Now, obviously not all people have the luxury of
choosing not to become pregernate, but I will never be convinced that the magical world doesn't
have magical methods of birth control and/or abortion. In fact, since procreating with Muggles and
anything else that isn't strictly defined as human is so looked down upon, I imagine it's encouraged
in many cases. *beat* Unless you're telling me that most/every maledictus is a rape baby that the
mother chose to keep. I mean, come on, balance of probability here, every single one? No one
before this one here went “This ends with me”? Were they all baby crazy like JKR likes to make
most of her female characters because I guess postpartum depression doesn't exist in the magical
world and because she's been trying to convince us throughout this whole series that if you don't
give (probably vaginal) birth to something then the love you feel is worth less?

Tina: I am in the crowd now. How do any of us know that Credence is here.

Skender: But look at her. So beautiful, yes, so desirable. Is how we're immediately
oversexualizing this woman of Asian descent who's been imprisoned and forced to perform for
others. And is one of like five explicitly stated women of color in this series who is eventually not
only going to be the very literal pet of one of the billions of white men in this series but will also be
killed by another of the billions of white men in this series. Again, marvelous representation all
around, I know there was a very large outcry in favor of this kind of thing and we should be very
thankful for the bounty we have received this night.

Yusuf: ...This is my introduction!? I barely stand out, at least y'all know who Tina fucking is, the
fuck!

Skender: Like, it's one thing to look at a prequel and know why/when/where/how a character is
going to die. It's a little something else entirely to look at a character and know that Neville
Motherfucking Longbottom is going to be the one to do it and that everyone will love him for it.
But long before that, she will be trapped in a far less fuckable body!

Certain audience members: *gasp* She's gonna wear baggier clothes and stop shaving her body
hair!?

Skender: I...No, she's gonna become a huge fuck-off snake.

Certain audience members: ...Oh.

Nagini: *is busy staring at Credence and misses her cue*

Skender: ...I said she's gonna become a huge fuck-off snake!

Tina and Yusuf: *make it to the front row and presumably also see Credence maybe*

Skender: Okay you missed your cue like three times, let's fucking go already.

Nagini: *sighs*
I am not a stranger to the dark
Hide away, they say
'Cause we don't want your broken parts

Skender: Not that one, the other one! *harshly taps the bars of the cage with his cane*

Nagini: *sighs and sings reluctantly*

And the world becomes a fantasy
And you're more than you could ever be
'Cause you're dreaming with your eyes wide open
And we know we can't go back again
To the world that we were living in
'Cause we're dreaming with our eyes wide open
So come alive
*turns into a big fuck-off snake and admittedly the effect is pretty fucking cool*

Skender: Over time, she will not be able to transform back, and I'm probably hastening the process
considerably! And, I'm getting conflicting information online – one source says that the longest a
snake has ever lived was like 170 years, but most claim that the longest living snake on record was
a ball python in captivity who only lived for over forty. I'm gonna trust all of those ones and say
that I can't really see this one in front of us right now living until the late nineties, but then again
she is magic...

Circus audience member: Question! How are we so sure that what you're showing us is a
maledictus, she could just be an animagus, which is still incredibly rare and I'd pay to see it but
there really isn't much of a difference in just the presentation of it, is there? You can just tell us that
she's an animagus whose form happens to be a snake, you don't have to false advertise like this.

Skender: Now you listen here—

Credence: Okay I'm done. *bangs on the firedrake cage, breaking it and setting them loose*

Nagini: Get the fuck me out of here! *strikes out and bites Skender, which, I do very much
understand that victims of abuse often stay with their abusers out of fear of harsher reprisal should
they attempt to escape their situation, but it doesn't stop me being pissed at this woman of color
needing a White Savior in the form of Credence to finally convince her to try*

Skender: WHY DID I MAKE THE GAPS BETWEEN THE BARS WIDE ENOUGH FOR A
SNAKE TO EASILY ESCAPE THROUGH!?

Yusuf: The hell?

Firedrakes: *come rushing out toward the audience*

Tina: Nope! *disapparates*

Circus audience members: *also flee, either on foot or through magic*

Tents: *are slowly catching on fire*

Tina: *stares out at the chaos, and kind of just...jogs around, hitting one firedrake with a spell as
she passes, then watches the zouwu wreak a bit of havoc before maybe seeing Credence and
running after them*

Circus performers: ...Well that could've gone better.

Zouwu: *growls at Skender and the others before buggering right off*

Skender: *swings his cane and turns it back into a wand, which is also admittedly cool, and rubs
his shoulder* Okay, we're out, fuck Paris, I'm done. *waves his wand*

Tents: *start to pack themselves up, a house-elf doing the rest of the work so that the vast majority
of everything gets poured into a trunk on the back of a carriage, another trunk on the ground, and
the main tent itself spinning to the ground as a tiny circular handkerchief*

Skender: *taps out the remaining flames with his foot* If only there were magical means of
putting out fires and repairing damage, and if only literally everyone here had access to those types
of magical means. Ah, well.

Tina: *rushes up to him* The person with the maledictus, what do you know about them?

A door: *closes and slips into a tiny pouch carried by a house-elf behind her*

Skender: I do not want to deal with this. *goes for the driver's seat on the carriage*

Tina: *comes up closer to him*

Skender: ...And that's supposed to make me talk somehow? Pisseth the fucketh offeth!

Tina: I implore you to reconsider.

Skender: Hmm. Okay! They're looking for their mother. Not their father, but then again there isn't
a possible paper trail for him, sooo...Also it's adorable that, even in this magical realm where
everyone at the rally at the end of this film thinks that they are a minority that is outcast from the
rest of humanity and supposedly just want to prove that they have a place in the world, we still
have an entire underclass of outcasts that will never be assisted by any of your governments
whatsoever, nor will they even be addressed after this one scene. What a great status quo all of you
precious main characters are so desperate to preserve.

Tina: *watches them drive away, the house-elf packing the rest of the trunks into the back of the
carriage before disapparating onto the back of it* ...Dude why are you just standing creepily behind
me.

Yusuf: I honestly have no idea.

Tina: ...So can I, like, help you, or—oh, we're at a cafe now, that was fucking fast.

Yusuf: And for some reason we're getting along pretty well.

Tina: Only because I have spontaneously decided that we were after the same person. Also who
the fuck even are you.

Yusuf: Kama. Yusuf Kama. *sips his vodka martini* And yes.

Tina: So why do you want to find Credence?

Yusuf: Same as you.

Tina: You have a certain fondness for them having temporarily helped them out of a bad situation
before and want to do right by them after failing to save them from police brutality?

Yusuf: ...Sure. Also to find out who the fuck they even are.

Tina: I don't actually care about that, one's blood relatives do not necessarily define what kind of
person one can become on their own—

Yusuf: Cool story but I'm pretty sure that I'm related to them. So. Bit of a vested interest.

Tina: No shit!

Yusuf: I shit thee not. I am the last penised individual of my pure-blooded line, and they're AMAB
so they're considered the same. *takes a deep breath* Have you read The Predictions of Tycho
Dodonus?

Tina: Well it's poetry, so, no.

Yusuf: Ah. So, uh, if I show you, like, actual proof that we're related, will the American and
European ministries spare them?

Tina: Well I can't actually speak for any of them, not even the MACUSA, really—

Yusuf: The fuck is the MACUSA.

Tina: ...The American ministry? There was like a whole movie about it?
Yusuf: Yeah well no one calls it that anymore.

Tina: You know, I never got that. Just give me some sort—doesn't have to be a good story reason
but that's all I need. Give me a bad story reason why we don't bother bringing up heavily
established lore anymore...Also why do you want them alive, anyway, I thought you very
specifically wanted them dead.

Yusuf: I do, but I think the condition is that I have to kill them myself.

Tina: Ah.

Yusuf: So you wanna come with or what?

Tina: ...I guess...?

~The plot doesn't thicken, but it's congealing at least.~

HOW HAS THIS KIND OF INVESTIGATIVE MAGIC NEVER COME UP
BEFORE
Chapter Notes

WELL THAT WAS FUCKING CLOSE WASN'T IT. If this one seems more phoned
in than usual, wouldn't you know it there was a day or two this week where I was a
little less motivated to post on this site. It's not all that fun to wake up one day and find
that sixteen years of work is just completely inaccessible. I mean I have everything
saved but...you know what I mean.

(And if anyone wants to walk me through posting something on Wattpad so that I

can have a backup place for my Kingdom Hearts crap I'd appreciate it, unless
they're like ff dot net and don't allow script format either in which case never
mind): 50% Off, Doctor Who, A Very Potter Musical, Dragon Ball Z Abridged,
Pirates and/or Ninjas, Misfits and Magic, Les Misérables, Super Best Friends Play,
“I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)” by The Proclaimers, and anything under the Harry Potter
umbrella.

~Oh good, these chucklefucks again. Hey remember when this series was meant to be about Newt
tracking down a bunch of cool animals? Me neither.~

Grindelwald: *takes a huge hit off his skull bong (yes I know it's more of a hookah shut up),
coughing slightly as he exhales*

Weed smoke: *forms the obscurus floating and whirling around*

Underlings: ...Yep, this sure is a thing that we are witnessing right now.

Grindelwald: *stares down at himself* Y'ever just... like, feel the muscles undulating under your
arms?

Rosier: Focus...

Grindelwald: *blinks, then flinches* Sorry, blinked too fast. *looks up at the smoke as it
coalesces into Credence's face* Dude that head's so huge. *stands up and walks over to it slowly*
Feel like I'm underwater right now, whoa.

Rosier: G, come on.

Grindelwald: ...So. Credence Barebone. Is their name, everyone familiar?

Underlings: ...Yeah?

Grindelwald: Good, just making sure. You know they suffered horrific child abuse by the woman
who raised them? Now they're searching for the woman who shoved them out of her vagina.
Probably. Doubt JKR'd acknowledge any other method, frankly. Not to mention the fact that their
biological mother would also be the woman who gave them up in the first place and put them in
the very care of that first woman so why they should be so keen to seek her out is beyond me.
Anyway I think she might actually be fucking dead for all anyone knows, but this still plays into
our hands. They're so desperate for any scrap of human affection – trust me, I know – that they're
willing to do damn near anything to experience it.

Krall: Cool, so why are we still here? We know where Credence is; can we not just kidnap them
and bounce? I mean, didn't you try to recruit them and fail already, wasn't that like the entire point
of the last movie?

Grindelwald: Yeah I think my tactics were off. Instead of continuing to make my proposal more
relevant to their interests, I ended up just talking about world domination a whole lot. They weren't
into it.

Rosier: Did you invite them to that weird dance club where everyone was wearing gas masks?

Grindelwald: No! Maybe. Yes. Shut up.

Abernathy: Ooooh, I like that club!

Grindelwald and Rosier: We know.

Grindelwald: But nah, we gotta stay in Paris for the rest of the film apart from the occasional
detour to Hogwarts. Saves a bit of travel budget, you understand. *beat* Also the part where I want
to convince Credence to come to my side of their own free will so that I might manipulate them
better in the future. Kind of like I did with all of you!

Abernathy: Why am I holding the skull bong...Can I have a hit—

Grindelwald: NO DON'T WASTE THE GOOD STUFF.

Abernathy: All right, I won't, yeesh...

Grindelwald: ...During that last line Rosier and Abernathy were standing next to me, but when I
look up at Credence's smoke face again they've both completely disappeared, that's fucking
weird...Anyway we're gonna tease their identity for like the entire fucking movie, and then I'll lie
about it even though the truth would still probably have them want to do things my way, and then
their actual identity'll be mentioned kind of offhand by a completely different character next film,
should be fun and not confusing or annoying at all.

Krall: ...If we could just get a fraction of a hint as to why anyone should care about them at this
point, 'cause I think a good chunk of people only really see them as a distraction from what this
franchise should really be about. Which is live action Pokeymans.

Grindelwald: *walks up to Krall* Who represents the greatest threat to our cause?

Krall: The fans not retaining enough interest in these films to keep them going, in part due to fans
leaving over the author's sudden louder bigotry but mostly due to especially this one just not being
very good and no one having faith in the next one salvaging it in any way?

Grindelwald: Correctomundo, a word that I have never used before and hopefully never will
again. Now, who represents the second greatest threat to our cause?

Krall: Oh, Albus Dumbledore.

Grindelwald: Exactly. So. Question. *stands even closer to him* Should I ask you to break into
Hogwarts and murder him where he stands, would you do it?

Krall: Probably not. I mean I could try but honestly I don't think I'm making it past the entrance
hall.

Grindelwald: Exactly.

Krall: Also are you intentionally placing yourself within smooching distance of me, 'cause I don't
know if I'm that into you and frankly I'm kind of uncomfortable.

Grindelwald: Which is probably my actual intention.

Krall: Oh well that's fine then.

Grindelwald: Excellent. So, considering Snape hasn't been born yet, Credence is the only one at
present who can kill him, and therefore we need them.

Krall: But Dumbledore is the smartest, most awesomest...practical wizard—

Grindelwald: Beautiful.

Krall: Beautiful wizard — do you really think that one person will be enough to kill him, even
with all the powers that you say Credence has?

Grindelwald: ...You know, Krall, I'm starting to think my people don't understand what I pay them
for.

Krall: You don't pay us.

Grindelwald: A-Allow them to live for. *stalks away leaving Krall wetting himself with fear
probably* ...I wanna hit up a Denny's. Do they have Denny's in Paris?

Rosier: *googles it* The first Denny's was built in 1953, and it wasn't even called Denny's yet.

Grindelwald: ...So that's a maybe?

~LEGALIZE IT.~

Cliffs of Dover: *exist*

Jacob: So now that we've left the States, have we completely forgotten what the sun is?

Newt: I don't think we ever actually knew. So, uh, Jacob, that man Tina's been seeing...

Jacob: Eh, she's just dating him out of spite, like JKR makes a lot of women do in her works for
some reason, it's...actually pretty misogynistic when you think about it. Anyway, once you clear
everything up with her and explain that Leta's engaged to your brother and that the magazine was a
misprint – the easiest explanation in the world that should only take like five seconds – then you'll
be back to being as awkward with each other as you already were.

Newt: Well we were sort of seeing each other beforehand, so...

Jacob: Were you? I don't actually know how far back Queenie's enchantment goes.
Newt: Which is also incredibly worrying. Anyway, didn't Queenie say he was a fellow cop or
whatever?

Jacob: Which automatically means he's a bastard, and you're a total sweetheart, way more Tina's
type. Presumably.

Newt: I guess...So, um, we all know I'm not the best at human interaction, so could you coach me
on how to talk to her?

Jacob: You're gonna take the advice of a dude who never needs to talk 'cause his girlfriend can
read his fucking mind?

Newt: Yes!

Jacob: Okay then! When a woman wants to be comforted, she tells you it's time to buy more
shoes! But she has all the shoes. So we really know she just needs boots! Now everything makes
sense. Forever.

Newt: Don't think they make boots that small.

Jacob: Have you considered doing magic about it.

Newt: Of course not, wands are just guns now, you know that.

Jacob: True enough. And anyway, I think it's more romantic to actually just say whatever you feel
in the moment rather than actually plan something out.

Newt: ...She has eyes just like a salamander.

Jacob: What did I just say. Also that's a very bad idea, even women who like reptiles probably
don't wanna be compared to them because to be called a snake or reptile is largely to be considered
like a sneaky or even just evil person. So that wouldn't be a compliment, you get me?

Newt: Right, you're right, of course.

Jacob: Good.

Newt: ...Probably gonna say it anyway, though.

Jacob: *rolls eyes* Yeah, sure, don't listen to Crazy Old Jacob 'cause that one time he stole a
Zamboni and joy-rode it around town and tried to take it through a McDonald's drive-thru and then
they wouldn't serve him so he drove it into the front of the McDonalds and they called the cops and
then there was a Mexican standoff. Yeah, sure, whatever, don't listen to him! What? 'Cause what!?
He might steal a Zamboni again! Look out, it's Zamboni Thief Kowalski!

Newt: This again – We're not gonna call you Zamboni Thief Kowalski!

Jacob: But it's a cool nickname! *sighs* Look, just tell her that the magazine printed fake news,
that you're not engaged to Leta but your brother is, and that you wanted so badly to let her know
that you came all the way out to Paris just to see her when it was in fact very illegal of you to do so.

Newt: I suppose I could've also asked for a retraction and a reprint.

Jacob: Yeah but it'd take too long and also they might just not do it, some news offices just don't
fucking do that.

Newt: Also true. *frowns, then bursts into song because he was in Les Mis and I find that
amusing*
Had you seen her that day, you might know how it feels
To be struck to the bone in a moment of breathless delight
Had you been there that day you might also have known
How your world may be changed in just one burst of light
And what was right seems wrong
And what was wrong seems right

Jacob:
Red

Newt:
I feel my soul on fire

Jacob:
Black

Newt:
My world if she's not there

Jacob:
Red

Newt:
The color of desire

Jacob:
Black

Newt:
The color of this bear

Jacob: ...Really?

ShieldEcho: Hey I have to make this entertaining for myself somehow.

Jacob: Yeah well I get the picture and guess what, you're gonna be fine. And there definitely won't
be any wacky hijinks that make it more complicated for you to just talk to her normally.

Newt: Right.

Jacob: *stops him and puts his hand on his arms* No, really, it's a five-second explanation that
nothing else should get in the way of and would save you so much really fucking annoying drama
in the long run.

Newt: I know, I know...

Jacob: I promise I'll help you out regardless. Hell, I could also just shout out to her the actual facts
myself instead of saving you the headache but I won't for some reason.

Newt: As always, your help is incredibly appreciated and I will be forever grateful for our
friendship.

Jacob: Enough to keep me flush with occamy eggshells so that I'll still be doing relatively okay
once the Depression hits?

Newt: Let's not get carried away.

Jacob: Well fuck you too. Also who's this weirdo who's been hanging there this whole time.

Newt: Oh, he's the only way I can leave the country without documentation.

Jacob: ...What about basic nonmagical forms of travel like last time?

Newt: I still had documentation then.

Jacob: But we've seen Dumbledore forge paperwork for nonmagical eyes before during one of the
flashbacks in HBP, could you not do that here as well?

Newt: I probably could but I won't.

Jacob: Hookay...

Newt: Now you don't suffer from motion sickness, do you?

Jacob: Yes I very much do.

Newt: ...Well this'll be fun for me at least.

Weirdo: We doing this or what, you have like one literal minute.

Newt: You got it.

Weirdo: Fifty galleons.

Newt: Thirty, sir.

Weirdo: Fifty.

Newt: Oh bugger.

Jacob: How much is that in idiot terms? Also 'Murican?

Newt: Went with the HP Lexicon with this and evidently it's the difference between nearly $200
and over $300. Assuming I even used that website right which I doubt.

Jacob: That's a bit! 'Specially since in 2023 money that's roughly $3.5k versus $5.2k! Assuming
inflation remains the same as well!

Newt: Exactly. Even though all that math was probably incredibly incorrect. But it's still why we
said thirty.

Weirdo: Cool but now you'll be a wanted fugitive once you do this so the extra's to keep me mouth
shut.
Newt: And if the Ministry offers to pay you more and/or threatens you with prison time if you
don't tell them where I am?

Weirdo: Oh I'd cough you up in a second. Doesn't change the fact that you won't be able to break
the law in the first place if you don't pay me now.

Newt: ...That's a kick in the dick.

Jacob: I love being kicked in the dick! Metaphorically!

Newt: *hands the weirdo what does not seem like fifty giant gold coins. Like, ever hold the
contents of a roll of quarters? That's forty fucking quarters. I know I have tiny baby hands but it
was very hard to hold them in one hand, Newt's got maybe half a handful*

Weirdo: Ta. And, hey, bright side: losing some money is literally the only consequence you'll face
for doing explicitly what half the Ministry of Magic told you not to do. It's like a fucking fine; what
the fuck is fifty galleons to someone who has seemingly infinite access to occamy eggshells.

Newt: Oh, well that's all right, then.

Weirdo: Exactly. Now get ready, you have ten seconds.

Newt: Jacob, hold my hand.

Weirdo: Nine.

Jacob: ...So I'm not actually as secure in my masculinity as I'd like to pretend and I'd rather not be
caught holding another man's hand as I am not gay and do not wish to be mistaken as such.

Weirdo: Eight.

Newt: Jacob, you know how much I hate human contact. Do you really think I'd be asking this of
you unless it was strictly necessary.

Weirdo: Seven.

Jacob: ...Well when you put it like that... *reluctantly takes his hand*

Weirdo: Six.

Bucket: *starts shaking violently*

Weirdo: Five.

Jacob: ...If it's a portkey then shouldn't both of us actually be holding it right now?

Weirdo: Four.

Newt: Eh.

Weirdo: Three.

Jacob: Does everything just not work like it's supposed to anymore at all or what.
Weirdo: Two.

Newt: No, it's just a way to be more stylistic in a film setting.

Weirdo: One.

Jacob: Well that's annoying.

Newt: Sure is! *steps into the bucket and both he and Jacob spiral into it*

Jacob: BOY DO I FUCKING HATE THIS!

Cliffs of Dover: *still exist*

~I'd ask how Newt even made a deal with that person in the first place but honestly if he's in the
animal smuggling business he probably knows the criminal underground pretty well.~

Statue: Il fait froid comme des boules.

Jacob: *comes around the corner with Newt, still holding the bucket* How much shit do you have
in your pants right now.

Newt: How much shit do you have in your pants right now.

Jacob: More than zero!

Newt: Oh. *discretely waves his wand at him*

Jacob: ...You can just do that?

Newt: Yes, in fact that's how magical people used to use the loo.

Jacob: ...Wut.

Newt: Yep! 100% canon.

Jacob: ...I'm gonna pass over how that's, just, fucking disgusting and why would you put that
image into our heads.

Newt: Because JKR clearly has a problem using public facilities and wished she could do this in
order to avoid them?

Jacob: And I will give her that escapist fantasy. And I'll even pass over the fact that, as the
vanishing charm is a fifth year spell, there is no way this process wasn't rife with abuse, with
people withholding the spell as a punishment or just as a horrific bullying tactic.

Newt: Had we lived in a different time I can absolutely see Theseus doing that to me. Which would
be a legitimate reason for me to resent him instead of the “no stated reason whatsoever apart from
he's a cop and ACAB.”

Jacob: But what I will talk about is...well, how fucking wasteful not using it anymore is. Like, do
you know how much water and paper we waste just fucking flushing toilets? My parents' home had
a problem with our pump that led to us barely ever flushing just so we wouldn't set it off, the smell
was horrible. And you're telling me that we wouldn't have had to spend the 2023 equivalent of
OVER TWENTY GRAND getting shit fixed if we could just get rid of the waste with magic!? WE
WOULDN'T HAVE EVEN NEEDED THE EXISTENCE OF A SEWER SYSTEM!

Newt: Yes but then where would you put at least one level per video game.

Jacob: This is true, never mind. *snorts suddenly* What are the odds that the main reason you
people didn't want to be found out back in the day was because you didn't want to be on toilet duty
for a far larger majority of people.

Newt: That does in fact seem likely.

Jacob: ...How did those from nonmagic backgrounds even convince the rest of you to install toilets
in the first place, considering y'all still use quill and fucking parchment.

Newt: Now that is an excellent question. One that I'd think about a bit more had I not just spotted
the statue I was looking for so we're going to drop all of this and go check it out now. Thank you
Tina for that ever-so-convenient postcard and thank you Queenie for ever-so-conveniently
dropping it so that I could find it and come to this specific statue. *pulls out his wand* Confundus.

Guard: *starts violently hiccupping*

Newt: *disappears into the statue*

Jacob: … *stares at the guard* ...You didn't think that would been extremely triggering for me to
see you cast that on someone exactly like me right in front of me, especially considering what
literally just happened to me?

Newt: It's fine, it's different when I do it because I'm a good person. Besides, what Queenie did to
you was meant to be comic relief anyway. As is this!

Jacob: You mean apart from that fact that we all know it's not—WHOA! *gets dragged into the
statue by Newt*

Statue: *gets back into position* Sure hope no one saw that.

Jacob: ...If it weren't for that marquee that said “breuvages magiques” on it I don't think I'd
actually believe that I was in a magical place right now.

Newt: What're you talking about?

Jacob: It's a normal-ass cobblestone street with slightly fewer people walking around, dressed
completely normally. I know I've never been to Diagon Alley but at least that had weirdly-shaped
buildings and sometimes people actually bothered to dress up in robes.

Newt: Yes, they certainly seemed to tone down the whimsy for this one, didn't they. *jogs out into
the middle of the street, dropping his case as he does so*

Jacob: …Do you not want to keep a tighter hold of that thing? I remember what happened last
time.

Newt: It's fine.

Jacob: You've been saying that a lot and each time I have less confidence in you.
Newt: That's nice. Appare vestigium. *blows a bunch of luminescent golden dust that forms a
cloud around him and that passersby barely take notice of* Accio niffler.

Jacob: Wait, what?

Niffler: *pops out of the case with a few gold coins that he shoves back into his pouch*

Jacob: ...What the actual fuck. You told me that you couldn't summon living creatures, that that
was an immutable fact of how magic works.

Newt: Don't be ridiculous, why shouldn't I be able to summon anything I want at any time?

Jacob: Then why the fuck didn't you just summon the niffler – or even the billywig – during the
last movie?

Newt: Because we needed to create a scene that could be shown on talk shows without spoiling
any of the actual riveting plot!

Jacob: I...I need something more substantial than that. Just give me some sort—doesn't have to be
a good story reason but that's all I need. Give me a bad story reason why that one hard and fast rule
got thrown out the window so easily.

Newt: Fine, it was so this part could look cool, now shut up and let me work.

Jacob: Why am I even here.

Newt: *drops his wand onto the ground where it sticks straight up on its point and somehow
conjures an image of the kappa from that bathtub* That's a kappa. *pats its incorporeal head*
That's a Japanese water demon, suck it, Snape, no wonder you never got the DADA job until you
did. Now then...Why didn't I see any sign of Credence considering that they were right the fuck
here. The lack of Nagini isn't as surprising, she's barely a character, but Credence is ostensibly
important to the plot. And none of the raging inferno from the fire drakes is happening either, what
even is the point of this spell—oh there's the point of this spell.

Afterimage of Tina: *clacks by*

Newt: I AM NOW ONLY INTERESTED IN TINA. Which, I suppose was the whole point after
all, but this spell, which I had to look up on the wiki, is meant to only show recent magical activity.
Who knows how long ago Tina sent that postcard to Queenie, and isn't it just an astounding
coincidence that all of this happened to take place the previous night. So how in the ever-living
fuck would I have known to do this spell as soon as I got here.

Afterimage of Tina: *starts to disappear*

Newt: YOU KNOW WHAT FUCK IT I DON'T CARE THAT NONE OF THIS MAKES ANY
FUCKING SENSE I NEED TO FIND MY BELOVED. *runs up to the place where the image
vanishes*

French wizards: ...The fuck's with that dude.

Newt: My wand is in my mouth. I'm sure I look quite normal.

Jacob: *is staring at the dust and some of the actual shops that I just realized one of them sells
golden cauldrons so we have some evidence of magic as we know it in this place* All right. So. I
don't know what that thing is. And I don't know what that thing is either. So I'm being a real big
help here.

Niffler: *is inching along the ground, sniffing rapidly*

Newt: Give me something good. *lies on the pavement and licks it*

Jacob: Aaaand we're licking the dirt now.

Newt: It's fine, no one's paying attention.

Jacob: I'll only agree with you on this one because the camera isn't focusing on any of the people
surrounding us staring at us like we're crazy, and basic film language dictates that if it's not shown
onscreen it might as well not have happened.

Newt: *holds the tip of his wand to his ear*

Other end of the wand: *expands like a horn and Newt can presumably hear I guess the memory
of the zouwu making a big noise*

Newt: Revelio. Which can just conjure memories of events now. Why the actual hell are these
spells not shown being used in any kind of investigative bullshit before now, no wonder the Aurors
want me to become a fellow wizard cop if I'm the only fucking one to know these kinds of spells.

Afterimage of the zouwu: *exists*

Jacob: Apparently I can only see the golden footprints on the ground.

Newt: Cool, I'm looking at a zouwu.

Afterimage of the zouwu: *growls at him*

Newt: It's a Chinese creature—

Jacob: Oh, that guardian lion from Shang-Chi? They have similar tusks.

Newt: No, that's a shishi, I think; this is a zouwu.

Jacob: Thought the Western spelling was zouyu.

Newt: It can in fact be both, now get off Wikipedia. Now, as each Fantastic Beast™ needs to have
a gimmick, zouwus are incredibly fast to the point where they can travel five hundred miles and
they can travel five hundred more all in the space of a day. This one could easily transport someone
from one end of Paris to the next, not that that'll come up at all this film.

Niffler: *is rolling around on the cobblestones where a bunch of illuminated footprints are*

Newt: Wonder if he actually recognized Tina's scent or something. *pauses before a single pair of
footprints that are the only two still glowing* And some of the old familiar music is playing in the
background, perfect. Jacob, this somehow proves that she was here.

Jacob: *runs up to him* How the fuck did you come to that conclusion using the niffler, why
couldn't you just have continued to do that first spell, make it make fucking sense...
Newt: *is ignoring him* She has incredibly narrow feet, have you noticed?

Jacob: Oh, you have a foot fetish, good for you.

Newt: Hang on, I suppose the spell still is in effect after all.

Afterimage of Yusuf: *exists*

Newt: WHY WASN'T THIS SPELL USED IN LITERALLY ANYTHING BEFORE THIS FILM
CAME OUT, MERLIN'S DELETED NIER: AUTOMATA SAVE FILE. But now I know that a
feather fell out of his fedora and has somehow not been blown away for the past however many
hours it's been. *picks up the feather and makes a big show of taking a big-ass sniff*

Jacob: Yeah dude, you're not a bloodhound. Actually, do you have a bloodhound in that case, I bet
that would come in real handy right about now.

Newt: I don't know what that is. *throws the feather up into the air* Avenseguim.

The HP Wiki: *describes this spell as the incantation of a charm that turns a targeted object into a
tracking device*

This spell: *was never once used to find Sirius Black in PoA or any of the Death Eaters/horcruxes
at any point, nor was it used by the Death Eaters on literally anyone in DH, and was overall just
never used in general before it was invented for this scene in this prequel film*

Dumbledore: THE HELL DIDN'T YOU USE THAT TO FIND CREDENCE OR AT LEAST
TINA HERSELF YOU MISERABLE FUCK.

Newt: Because fuck you.

Feather: *floats into the air and down the street*

Newt: Jacob, follow the feather, would you?

Jacob: Nice to have a purpose other than gaining a massive amount of second-hand
embarrassment from watching you act weird from literally any standpoint. *jogs down the street
after the feather*

Newt: And accio niffler again...

Summoning Charm: *doesn't even summon the niffler, it just lifts him magically from the golden
mailbox he was trying to steal back into the case; sounds like wingardium leviosa would've been a
better fit here, and less enraging for the lore crazies like I apparently still am*

Newt: *grabs the case and follows after the feather alongside Jacob* Oh, right, lose the bucket.

Jacob: M'kay. *places the bucket on the ground and runs after Newt*

Bucket: *shakes a bit before vanishing; this scene was probably there to justify the Triwizard Cup
returning once Harry touched it again at the end of GoF*

~...The fuck am I still invested enough to continue to twist shit around until it makes sense when
JKR clearly doesn't care anymore either so why the fuck should anyone else.~
 CAN YOU TELL I'M DONE WITH QUEENIE AS A CHARACTER
Chapter Notes

So a lot, and I mean a LOT, of fics that sprinkle in foreign language shit usually leave
their translations at the end notes or whatever, but I thought I'd make everything worse
for everyone by not including anything at all and forcing everyone to ALSO use
Google Translate.

Also why does the One Piece live action look so much fun and why am I getting so
excited holy shit: Misfits and Magic, Final Fantasy VIII, The Lord of the Rings,
Avatar: The Legend of Korra, Kung Pow: Enter the Fist, Super Best Friends Play, “99
Bottles of Beer”, The Simpsons, JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, Dragon Ball Z Abridged,
Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, The Wizard of Oz, Kingdom Hearts, Nier Automata,
Castle Super Beast, Star Trek II: Wrath of Khan, and anything under the Harry Potter
umbrella.

~Oh, right, Queenie's still in this. Fuck.~

Paris: *still exists*

Queenie: *is walking toward a statue thing in between four thin trees*

Script: *tells me that this is is Place de Furstemberg which Google tells me is in fact a real place,
so, that's neat I guess*

Queenie: *appears to vanish as she gets close to the statue, though what actually happens is that
metal grows around her to form a lift that takes her underground. So it's like the visitor's entrance
to the British Ministry but with somehow even less actual security* ...How the hell did I know to
do any of this.

French Ministry of Magic: *is fucking gorgeous and filled with a pale white light, its walls like a
light overcast day with darker gray drawings and words inscribed onto them, with the atrium being
this bright open area with long tables where Ministry employees can work together out in the open,
creating a sense of community and with a distinct lack of doom and gloom that perpetuated the
British one*

Receptionist: Bienvenue au Ministère des Affaires Magiques.

Queenie: The fuck did you just call me!?

Receptionist: ...A xenophobic bitch, how are there not translation spells, even temporary ones.
Also most places appreciate even the smallest attempt to learn just a fragment of the language, the
actual fuck is wrong with you.

Queenie: I may be vastly generalizing based on what I've gleaned about recent Quebec language
laws as well as anecdotes from various Twitch streamers – especially since I'm talking about
Canada and not France – but aren't French speakers actually quite gatekeepy when it comes to their
own language?

Receptionist: I mean maybe but again with doing magic about it, it's why people consume this
type of shit in the first place, come the fuck on.

Queenie: Despite you just speaking in fantastic English with only a bit of an accent, I'm going to
speak to you as slowly as possible.

Receptionist: Great...

Queenie: I-need-to-speak-to-Ti-na-Gold-stein.

Receptionist: Again with people looking directly at the camera, why did you do that. Why did I do
that, why are any of us still doing that, I hate it.

Queenie: She's-an-A-mer-i-can-au-ror-wor-king-on-a-case-here.

Receptionist: Well—

Queenie: Hang on, I don't think you're quite getting it. She's working on a case here. See? See how
I'm pointing to my case? 'Cause they're the same word even though they mean radically different
things in English and are probably two radically different words in French?

Receptionist: *double checking with Google Translate* Boy are they. *is magically flipping
through pages of something in front of her* ...Yeah she ain't here.

Queenie: ...But she is, though, I know she's here, she sent me this postcard—

Receptionist: I mean, people come and go all the time, we don't exactly keep a record—

Queenie: You don't? We do in the States, we have to!

Receptionist: Well we don't here maybe. Also it might be some secret shit anyway, if she's a cop
she might be undercover and you are blowing said cover.

Queenie: But it's very important that I find her! Hang on, let me show you the postcard, that'll
clear everything up—

Receptionist: I doubt it, that only existed to give Newt a new location to visit. Also why are we
still looking at the camera, this is triggering my anxiety so fucking badly and making this even
more annoyingly difficult to write than it already was...

Queenie: Well maybe this'll calm you down! Someone dropping their luggage and having it spill
everywhere in front of everyone and them scrambling to pick everything up only to make it worse
in their haste while everyone stares in disgust and does nothing to help!

Receptionist: ...Why in the name of Merlin's internet history would that calm me down...

Someone wearing feminine-coded clothing: *is pulling along a basket on wheels behind them*

Queenie: I'm still freaking out in the background! Also somehow I consider “rabbits” a swear,
that's a new one...

Person waiting behind her: Allez, vous retardez la ligne.

Queenie: *indignant gasp* You can't say words like that anymore!

Receptionist: ...It literally means “to delay” in French.

Queenie: Well if it's a bad word in my superior language then it's a bad word in all languages and
should be treated as such!

Receptionist: And Americans wonder why the rest of the world has long been fed up with their
bullshit...

Someone wearing feminine-coded clothing: *appears to be an older woman or at least presents as

such*

Rosier: Bitch get in here. *waves this person through into the lift and enters after them*

Lift: *closes and starts to rise*

Someone wearing feminine-coded clothing: *immediately starts morphing into convicted sex
offended Kevin Guthrie I mean Abernathy*

Rosier: ...Feel like it would've been better had you waited until we were free and clear and not still
in full view of like the entire French Ministry where anyone could've looked up at any time before
you changed back.

Abernathy: Okay but why didn't my outfit change too?

Rosier: Because this shows that no matter how much a man might try to dress or present
femininely, they can't really change who they are, even with magic apparently. Combined this with
the long-held British opinion that Men In Women's Clothing Equals Hilarity and you've got a
perfect little TERF argument on your hands!

Abernathy: Oh. *beat* That fucking sucks.

Rosier: Sure does!

Abernathy: …

Rosier: …

Abernathy: …

Rosier: ...This is a longer lift ride than I was expecting...

Abernathy: …

Rosier: …

Abernathy: …

Rosier: …

Abernathy: …

Rosier: …
Squall: Ellipsis.

Abernathy: ...Do you think that I joined y'all for Wormtongue/Snape reasons where Grindelwald
promised me that I could “have” Queenie if I served him?

Rosier: Fuck, I could see that happening actually.

Abernathy: Good thing I'm not in the third movie, then!

Rosier: Well at least someone isn't. Oh shit, did you get the thing?

Abernathy: I did get the thing! *pulls a cloth bag out of the basket and hands it to Rosier*

Rosier: *clutches it to her chest* ...Could've probably left it in the basket and had you carry it
while still continuing to be in disguise, but this is fine too I guess...

~STILL DON'T KNOW WHERE MOST OF THIS DELETED SHIT GOES

WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!~

Credence and Nagini: *are asleep in an attic somewhere, Credence with their arm draped over
Nagini, and I want to argue so badly that they were just huddling together for warmth but I don't
really think I can at this point*

Bird: *wakes Credence up*

Credence: *blinks blearily awake, staring at the back of Nagini's neck as they slowly get up*

Nagini: *has her eyes open* Wouldn't it've been so much cooler if they'd woken up and they were
spooning a big fuck-off snake. Also does this imply that I was actually awake all night so that I
wouldn't transform, what's up with this scene.

Credence: *goes out onto the roof and hunches over with a little injured bird in their pocket that
they feed things to* Wonder how I got this bird in the first place...eh, I'm sure it won't lead to
anything important.

A woman: *walks by on the street below, cuddling with her baby*

Credence: Okay we got like one shot like that in the beginning of the fifth film but the books
never needed to be that blatant and cliché about it, what the hell.

Nagini: *joins him on the roof* I'm still stuck in this dress with seemingly no bra and it is cold as
balls up here, this thing is not warm. *leans her forehead against Credence's shoulder; friendly
reminder that Peter Pettigrew will be required to regularly “milk” her one day* Credence, do the
thing!

Credence: The what now?

Nagini: We escaped from the circus which means we can do whatever we want without restraint
now!

Credence: ...So I should let out an unstoppable force that killed a bunch of people including my
adopted sister who legitimately didn't do anything wrong?

Nagini: Exactly, it'll be fun!

Credence: You and I have very different ideas on what constitutes fun.

Nagini: I implore you to reconsider.

Credence: Hmm. Okay! *puts their palm out and unleashes an undulating cloud of Kingdom
Hearts darkness bullshit*

Nagini: *stands and stares after it* Sure hope it's back to being invisible to nonmagical people and
that there are no actual magical people looking up right now. Also how much of this scene was just
to get more shots of me walking around in a slightly translucent dress.

Obscurus: *floats around and flows gently through Nagini's chest on its way back into Credence's
hand*

Nagini: *looks around to stare at him* ...Fuck that was hot.

Credence: You appear to be into some weird shit.

Nagini: And you're surprised by this?

Credence: Not even remotely!

Nagini: ...Why are you apparently the only obscurial to have lived this long and has full control
over their bullshit?

Credence: I'm a Dumbledore?

Nagini: So was Ariana.

Credence: Then I have an uncomfortable feeling that Ariana was a weak, pathetic, helpless little
natal girl whereas I will always have a biological advantage.

Nagini: ...Fuck am I angry now.

Credence: Mm. You get mad, I'm gonna drain my dick.

Nagini: I shall!

~I mean I know it's because Albus and/or Aberforth and/or Grindelwald killed Ariana but it's still
not a good look for someone who pretends to care so much.~

Queenie: *is standing in the rain under a real physical umbrella and sniffs* Not even Tom
Holland's lip sync battle can comfort me now...Wait, it's not even raining, it's fucking sunny, what
the hell am I doing...

Jacob and Newt:

Ninety-nine fantastic beasts in the case
Ninety-nine fantastic beasts
Take one out
Give it some clout
Ninety-eight fantastic beasts in the case

Queenie: ...Hold up, did I actually see them or am I just desperate, I never actually understood this
scene. Which could be said for like half the movie, honestly. *lowers her umbrella*
Rain: *is suddenly pouring, which, that can happen, but it's like sunny in one shot and then instant
downpour in the next, it's really jarring*

Jacob: Hey wouldn't you know it the fat character wants to stop for French desserts, how wacky.
But seriously, Newt, I need some food or I'm gonna collapse, I legit do not remember the last time
either of us ate and that's dangerous for anyone no matter their size.

Newt: Well I'm a man on a mission so I can ignore it.

Jacob: I am also on a mission and I acknowledge that living creatures need sustenance in order to
function! Slash live!

Newt: Whatever.

Queenie: *runs after them, her umbrella back up, and follows after where Jacob and Newt
seemingly went* Jacob!?

People: *are milling about and generally being in the way without meaning to be*

Camera: *jerkily pans around*

Queenie: *is turning her head, panting heavily* Babe!?

Everyone's thoughts: *start to increase in volume as people start to crowd around her*

People: *run quickly by her as they try to get to where they're going and out of the pouring rain as
fast as possible*

Queenie: *slowly sits down on a curb*

Voices: *get louder and the camera cuts through a bunch of running people just to make the viewer
even more overwhelmed as a visual cue of how Queenie's meant to be feeling right now*

Queenie: *drops her umbrella and tries to plug her ears as she sobs on the side of the street*

This entire scene: *is actually spectacularly well done and is probably the...not best part of the
movie, except looking back it fucking might be, but regardless it's definitely the most competently
executed by far. If not for the lingering fact that we're still never told whether or not Queenie can
control her legilimency powers or to what degree because every other legilimens we've seen in the
series doesn't have it turned on all the time like she does which will never not bother me, we need
shit spelled out for us in films on account of it's not a fucking novel*

A single umbrella: *moves down the street*

Rosier: *taps Queenie's shoulder* 'Sup, bitch.

Queenie: ...Did you tapping my shoulder allow me to come back to myself enough to turn off the
mind reading, assuming that I even have that capability, or are you employing occlumency against
me and that's the reason that everything's quiet again for me now?

Rosier: It's not a hundred percent clear. Unfortunately. Seems kind of obscenely important.

Queenie: Right!? Just give me some sort—doesn't have to be a good story reason but that's all I
need. Give me a bad story reason why we're not explaining this shit visually or verbally to a
movie-watching audience. Also, were you not just with Abernathy?

Rosier: I guess I sent him off with the box, who the hell knows. Anyway, tout va bien, Madame?

Queenie: The fuck did you just call me!?

Rosier: ...Is this, like, the state of affairs today?

~I'm gonna get a lot of mileage out of Google Translate in this piece of shit. Starting largely in this
scene!~

Nagini and Credence: *are walking down a crowded street*

Credence: *is probably used to stealing to survive by now as they swipe a loaf of bread while
somehow no one saw them*

Grimmson: I AM STALKING THEM.

Credence and Nagini: WE ARE NOW LOOKING UP AT A WINDOW.

Credence: I somehow know that the woman we're looking for is home.

Nagini: *steps forward and notices that Credence isn't moving* I should say something here to egg
you on but that would require me actually having lines or a semblance of an actual character and
fuck right off with that.

Nagini and Credence: WE ARE NOW WALKING DOWN A HALLWAY.

Sewing machine: Riveting, this, isn't it.

Nagini: *thinks she hears something and turns around* Hope this gasp doesn't count as a line
'cause I sure as shit ain't counting it as one. And now I'm gonna look into the doorway of the
person we came here to see, that cool?

Credence: Hooray. I am ecstatic. And now I will stare out the actual windows for some fucking
reason.

Nagini: You do that. *pushes the door open* HI, EVERYBODY!

Irma: SALUT, NAGINI! Qu'est-ce que tu veux de moi putain?

Nagini: *guides Credence in by the hand* Vous avez une progéniture. Peut être. Avec un peu de
chance. Écoutez, nous avons eu une dure journée.

Irma: Frère je suis infertile, de quoi tu parles.

Credence: ...Why are all these sheets hung like this?

Irma: It's to make the reveal that much more artificially dramatic.

Credence: Got it. Anyway, we're looking for Irma Dugard, she's literally the only lead I have on
where I came from and her name is on my adoption shit and I know you probably gave me up for a
reason and I do get that but you gave me to Mary Lou Barebone of all fucking people and thus I
have very much not been doing well so if I could just get some closure on who my mother was I
could maybe move on with my fucking life...

Irma: Hang on, let me put my book down and not verbally or visually acknowledge you in any
way whatsoever.

Credence: Cool, I'm just gonna barge in to take a look at you without any expressed permission, if
you're not good with that I don't care. *shoves the drapes and shit aside as they step forward*

Irma: *visibly has dwarfism*

Credence: ...So yeah, you my mom or what?

Irma: ...Dude.

Credence: The hell's with that reaction, it is not in fact impossible and to imply otherwise displays
a lack of basic knowledge about biology that...is totally par for the course and never mind.

Irma: You know what, fair. I'm still not your mom, though.

Credence: And now I will allow all of my dreams to be crushed. Also what the fuck is with the
script saying you're half-elf, and also why did Flitwick have to be part goblin, do people just not
have dwarfism in the fucking wizarding world, what kind of newly ableist bullshit is this now...

Irma: Yeah try not to think too hard about the implication of a man who we know kidnapped,
brainwashed, and raped a human woman in order to forcibly produce offspring owning a servant of
elvish descent. Well maybe he owned me, once you throw human into the mix I don't quite know
how shit works anymore.

Nagini: I mean if you don't fit their narrow, arbitrary, and ever-changing standards of being fully
human they're gonna see you as lesser anyway, and once that happens they don't have to treat you
like you're human at all, it's great.

Irma: Gee, can't think about any parallels that might have.

Credence: No one can. *kneels down before her*

Irma: So all infants are freakish alien-looking monstrosities but somehow you ended up cute. And
now you still ain't bad-looking! *pulls them into a hug*

Grimmson: What a nice moment this is. Be a shame if anything interrupted it. With violence.

Irma: So, I admit, bit of a dick move leaving you in New York, but...

Credence: Did you ever find out the baby-swapping story?

Irma: I think the implication might be that I knew but still thought you were cute and don't mind
knowing how you turned out. Or I forgot and think you really are the original kid, who knows, I'll
be murdered before anything's clarified anyway.

Credence: Okay but can you tell me why I presumably wasn't wanted, though?

Irma: I just told you, I need to be killed before anything can be revealed so we can have a plot
dump at the end of the film, that's how films work.
Credence: But why is your name on my paperwork? Can I at least get that?

Irma: Nope!

Grimmson: Pardon me while I use my stand Oasis to phase into the fucking wall. See, this is the
kind of magic nonsense that would be interesting to dive into. *beat* Ba-dum tish.

Irma: So I'm still not quite sure why both Corvus and Leta were sent to America but then Leta was
sent to the UK once she accomplished more baby death, but honestly I probably dropped you off at
the first place that would take a random infant. I mean, since there was a swap and your aunt
apparently drowned as well maybe, we didn't even know whether or not you were even magical so
leaving you with a bunch of filthy Muggles seemed like the thing to do, frankly. I seriously doubt
that we would've left such high-class magical children in the care of such lesser beings had Corvus
lived.

Wind: *blows*

Nagini: There's like a party in my mouth and everyone's throwing up. *sees the wallpaper start to
crack a bit and reaches her hand out toward it*

Grimmson: Hello. Would you like to become friends with a suplex? *grabs her arm and pulls her
toward the wall as he emerges and throws a nonverbal killing curse through the drapery*

Nagini: *is caught between snake and human forms and is also caught within the fucking wall
itself; friendly reminder that she's gonna eat the dead corpse of Charity Burbage one day* Can this
scream count as a line? I'm counting it as a line.

Grimmson: *stalks foward*

Irma: And now I am the dead. Bleh.

Grimmson: Damn it, wrong non-human. Also again with the random woman-murder, I do not get
how JKR's supposed to be such a champion for the rights of women and girls when she keeps
doing this, further desensitizing us to it every time...

Drapes: *are wafting upward*

Grimmson: Uh-oh. *casts a shield charm around himself that looks like a visible bubble*

Roof: *explodes, the rubble freezing in place*

Obscurus: I am quite displeased by this turn of events. *rages down at Grimmson*

Grimmson: Okay, am I just that good at shield charms or is everyone from the first film,
including Newt and Grindelwald, that fucking inept in that they could've totally just done this the
whole time.

Obscurus: I don't know but I'm gonna use my still-not-all-that-well-explained magical powers to
make all the debris close in on you as well in hopes of crushing you to death.

Grimmson: You do that.

Obscurus: I will do that! *does that*

Grimmson: Hmm. What to do.

Obscurus: ...Well then I'll just do it again! *does it again*

Nagini: Lick his eyeballs. For the tears. For the salt that you so desperately need.

Obscurus: Ew, no. But maybe me swirling in front of him will intimidate him into dying!

Grimmson: Nah. *disapparates*

Obscurus: Balls. *explodes and then the remnants reform into Credence*

Nagini: ...Feel better?

Credence: No!?

Irma: Still dead!

Credence: Yeah I can see that. Also, am I turning around to look at you because I'm scared that
you'll think me a monster now, or just out of grief and want of comfort.

Nagini: Unclear, the script didn't actually mention us hugging, but I'll hug ya anyway.

Credence: Appreciate it.

~Meanwhile, thousands of miles away...~

Grimmson: I AM IN AN UNDERPASS THING.

Grindelwald: You sure are. *steps into the underpass thing*

Grimmson: Ding, dong, that bitch be dead.

Grindelwald: Excellent. *steeples his fingers* So how are they?

Grimmson: Oh emotionally devastated all to fuck.

Grindelwald: Perfect!

Grimmson: Also I maybe shouldn't have built up such a reputation as someone who always
brutally kills whatever his target is no matter what because a quick “I missed” probably won't fly
with my bosses.

Grindelwald: Listen to me. The disapproval of cowards is praise to the brave. Your name will be
written in glory when fertile natal wome—I mean pureblood wizards rule the world. And this
movie's only so long so we gotta get a move on. You watch over Credence, keep them safe, even
though you don't appear in the movies or the franchise anymore after this moment.

Grimmson: Hey, from this point on, I could be in literally any wall and no one would know.

Grindelwald: That's a very good point. May your heart be your guiding WRONG franchise...Glory
to mankiNOPE...For the greater good, that's the one.

ShieldEcho: That...might be the most easily manipulated phrase that I can think of. That kind of
shit can be used to justify anything, no matter how inhumane. No matter how fucking stupid and
insignificant, for that matter. FOR EXAMPLE:

PatStaresAt: There was a fucking support ticket going around of a guy who – all the delete
options were disabled and all the two-factor was disabled, and the guy really wanted to delete an
account, so he put out a fucking support ticket, it's like, “Listen. I'm gonna delete this account, so
you can either let me delete it or I'm gonna log into WoW and Starcraft in every game that I own
and just start dropping N-bombs everywhere.”

WoolieVersus: *bursts out laughing* Until—

PatStaresAt: “Until you do it for me.”

WoolieVersus: Right. Suicide by cop.

PatStaresAt: Yeah.

WoolieVersus: Yeah. Okay.

PatStaresAt: Yeah, it's like, “This account's gonna go away—”

WoolieVersus: “Whether you—Whether you do it or I do it.”

PatStaresAt: “So just save us some time and delete the account.”

WoolieVersus: That's hilarious. Um, some people are saying that was fake, some people are
saying it wasn't fake—

PatStaresAt: I DON'T CARE IF IT'S FAKE OR NOT!

WoolieVersus: Yeah.

PatStaresAt: IT'S HILARIOUS!

WoolieVersus: So...uh, okay.

PatStaresAt: Even if it's—Even if it is a hundred percent fake, that is a legitimate...well, no, that's
not a legit—that is a—

WoolieVersus: Situation to use the N-word in!? *cackles*

PatStaresAt: Yeah, no. Listen. Listen. Listen. Listen.

WoolieVersus: *is still cackling* Go ahead!

PatStaresAt: Listen.

WoolieVersus: Go ahead! In protest! For the right cause!

PatStaresAt: I'm saying that that is a way to get your account killed.

WoolieVersus: *starts winding down a little* Ah hah, okay, all right! All right—just flame on!
You know?
PatStaresAt: You know, really, in this, in that particular, in that particular instance, it would
actually be really woke to start dropping the N-bomb everywhere.

WoolieVersus: I care so much about no longer using this platform, and you won't let me leave, so
I have no choice—

PatStaresAt: There's no other option available to me!

WoolieVersus: You've left me no other avenue!

PatStaresAt: I have to!

WoolieVersus: *starts cackling again*

PatStaresAt: I have to say it! ~*~*~IT'S FOR THE GREATER GOOD!~*~*~

WoolieVersus: Server to server, everywhere, all the time, yup. Yup. *laughs*

PatStaresAt: It's the only way!

WoolieVersus: Racism...to save society.

PatStaresAt: Yeah.

WoolieVersus: For the good of everyone.

Grimmson: Which episode of Castle Super Beast even was that.

Grindelwald: Fuck if I remember.

Grimmson: They've got a point, though...How 'bout the needs of the many outweigh the needs of
the few?

Grindelwald: ...I mean not really in this case since we're the few and they're the many, but
whatever manipulates you into working with me.

~Shit like this is the only way I can force myself to make it through this garbage. Don't even know
why I bother except as a weird form of catharsis...~
 I SERIOUSLY THOUGHT THAT YUSUF DIED IN THIS PART
Chapter Notes

So it's still Twitter complete with bird icon thing for me right now, don't know
about the rest of y'all. That light-up X thing on the building's some fucking
horseshit, though: Super Best Friends Play, Les Misérables, Monty Python's Flying
Circus, 50% Off, Spaceballs, Hellsing Ultimate Abridged, Kung Pow: Enter the Fist,
Guardians of the Galaxy, Anchorman, Finding Nemo, and anything under the Harry
Potter umbrella.

~I still find untranslated bullshit in fanfic infinitely more entertaining than the laundry list of
translations most people put at the end of chapters. Rest assured, I'm pretty sure that nothing I used
Google Translate for amounts to anything important. Just like the rest of this fic!~

Woman with the same haircut as this movie's Tina: Les femmes aiment qu'on leur dise de se
calmer. Essayez-le!

Man whispering sweet nothings into her ear: Je pense que tout le monde aime ça.

Jacob: You know what I miss about Queenie? The way she'd kind of just stand around in her
underwear when she thought no one else was gonna visit that day and then just unabashedly put
clothes back on in the sexiest manner I'd ever fucking seen in my life.

Feather: *is spinning around under a clear glass bowl in front of Jacob and Newt on the cafe
table*

Newt: *is singing softly to himself*

In my life
She has burst like the music of angels
The light of the sun

Jacob: I even miss the stuff that drove me nuts. Like the extended period where I was put under a
spell that completely took away my free will. Honestly, under the right circumstances and with
clear boundaries set before we did anything, I could see me consenting to being put under that
again.

Newt:
And my life
Seems to stop as if something is over
And something has scarcely begun

Jacob: *laughs* And the fact that she didn't make fun of me for every single insipid thought that
went through my head...I know that wanting there to be parody music about bologna and rocky
road is ridiculous but a man can dream, you know?

Newt: Have I seen Tina recently enough that I know that's what her hair looks like now? Or is it
just that that woman is tall, white, and has short hair that has me pining for the fjords.
Jacob: *bursts into song*
Newt, wake up. What's wrong today?
You look as if you've seen a ghost
Some wine and say what's going on!

Newt:
A ghost, you say? A ghost, maybe
She was just like a ghost to me
One minute there, then she was gone

Jacob: Hold that thought. Where person, I feel silly just sitting at this table and not fucking
ordering anything, I think the staff have noticed and they're getting pissed.

Newt: Well isn't it convenient that the feather finally found its target.

Feather: *taps impatiently on the glass pointing away from them but then starts to spin again*

Newt: Ah. Well apparently they're still here, so...

Jacob: ...Sometimes I am harshly reminded that this is my life now.

~I keep forgetting that Yusuf is even in this fucking movie.~

This location: *is a restaurant bathroom and, as someone who's been in both, I am completely
serious when I tell you that there is no way to tell whether or not it's the men's or women's
restroom. It matters that fucking little*

Yusuf: *takes out a bottle of something, takes the top off, and puts a drop of something in his eye,
blinking rapidly* You'd think with magic we'd have a way to not have to use eye drops. Plus I
thought all we had for medicine besides salves were ingestable potions anyway, why shouldn't that
work every time, it's fucking magic.

A tiny tentacle: *pokes out from under his lower eyelid* Don't know why you're asking me all
this shit, pal, I don't know nothing.

Yusuf: Fuck does eye horror freak me the fuck out... *has to lean on the wall*

~When I first saw this I thought that Yusuf was actually caring for and feeding a baby tentacle
monster for some reason.~

Feather: *pokes in the direction that Yusuf is approaching from*

Jacob: ...Please don't tell me that fedora fucker's the person we need to talk to.

Newt: I'm sorry you feel that way. *lifts the bowl*

Feather: *goes back into Yusuf's hat*

Jacob: ...Okay that was kind of cool.

Newt: *gets up and stands directly in Yusuf's way* Hey, uh, n-nice hat you got there.

Yusuf: ...Not today. *turns around*

Newt: No, no wait, I'm not a complete fucking crazy person—

Jacob: I mean he is but—

Newt: Not helping, Jacob. See, we're looking for a friend of ours and we think you might've seen
her.

Yusuf: What gave you that impression?

Newt: Magic golden dust, a niffler, and some spellwork that seems like it should be standard
investigative bullshit and should therefore be employed far more frequently so that people can
have a clear image of what the fuck happened should, say, they be on trial for defending themself
from a dementor or some shit.

Yusuf: That does track...

Jacob: Y'ever meet a Tina Goldstein?

Yusuf: You do know that Paris is a massive fuck-off city, right? Locating just one person is not as
simple as, say, riding a broomstick, or cracking an egg, or...breaking an informant's fingers one by
one in order to maximize pain but maintain lucidity so that they give you the launch codes.

Jacob: Eh he heh! Okay!

Newt: Yeah but she's a wizard cop.

Yusuf: And what if I hadn't been a magical person and not known what that meant? I'm dressed
like any Muggle here, after all.

Newt: Because the feather returned to you and frankly the lack of any type of similar tracking spell
in the main series is pissing me right the fuck off. Just give me some sort—doesn't have to be a
good story reason but that's all I need. Give me a bad story reason why nothing of the sort ever
appeared before! I will in fact take any kind of headcanon you can throw at me!

Yusuf: …

Jacob: Yeah he's been like this for a few hours, I feel like it's safest to just indulge him at this
point.

Yusuf: Really not feeling good about any of this.

Newt: ...Fine, we'll just let the magical American government know that one of their finest cops
went missing, I'm sure that won't raise any unwanted attention your way—

Yusuf: All right, all right, I'll kidnap you too, fucking hell...

Jacob: Sorry, what?

Yusuf: This person you're looking for, she tall?

Newt: Yes, rather.

Yusuf: Dark?
Newt: No, she's quite pale, actually.

Yusuf: You're right, I don't know why I of all people asked that. Does she have a hideous haircut?

Newt: She might, I haven't seen her in person in a minute maybe.

Yusuf: I'm trying to come up with another adjective, gimme a sec here...

Newt: The very epitome of loveliness?

Jacob: Weirdly attached to the idea that her government can do no wrong despite witnessing her
colleagues murder a young adult in the middle of a mental health crisis and also her nearly being
murdered herself by a couple of people she'd considered friends?

Newt and Jacob: *look at each other*

Jacob: ...I mean she ain't my type but sure, she's aesthetically pleasing enough.

Newt: And I also find that strange worship of hers to be a serious character flaw.

Yusuf: Yeah let's go with me totally having seen her.

Newt: We know, we wouldn't have stalked you so heavily otherwise.

Yusuf: ...I feel unsafe.

Jacob: You get used to it.

Yusuf: I have no desire to get used to it but I fear that I have no choice.

Newt: You basically don't, no.

Yusuf: Lovely. Anyway, wanna know where I last saw her? Very specifically?

Newt: Oh hell yeah.

Jacob: *grimaces* Sure, we'll totally trust you, person we literally just met.

Yusuf: Okay, I'm just gonna start walking and assume you're following me.

Newt: Sounds great!

Jacob: Yeah sure. *stares at the deleted scene* Oh yeah, it was really necessary for them to film
us following you throughout the entire restaurant right next to us into a back alley.

Yusuf: *exits the alley and goes to some stairs descending onto a bridge and turns around* ...Wow,
you are still following me. I did not expect this to work twice.

Newt: Sorry?

Yusuf: Nothing, nothing... *descends the stairs, Newt and Jacob following after him*

~Throwing this in right here because fuck you.~

Credence: The last link to my mother is dead, hooray!

Nagini: Oh get over yourself. *joins them*

Credence: *wipes their face with the back of their sleeve*

Nagini: Yo, stole some bread.

Credence: Oh hell yeah, it's the good French bread and everything!

Nagini: ...Yeah. 'Cause we're in France. Dumbass.

Credence: And just for that, I'm gingerly taking your hand and kissing the back of it!

Nagini: ...This seems forced even for JKR.

~I know it's annoying for me to keep complaining about how sick I am of shoved-in
heteronormative bullshit, but it keeps fucking happening.~

The Seine: *exists*

Newt: *leads the way into a room with giant pipes and shit, going further down into the fucking
sewers*

Jacob: Great, a sewer level, always hated those.

Yusuf: It's fine. You're in a different part of the gross part.

The corner of the area: *has a bunch of boxes and luggage and parchment and books and shit and
also a Tina*

The wall behind her: *has a bunch of white what almost looks like chalk designs on it*

Tina: *jerks to her feet* I WAS TOTALLY NOT SLEEPING JUST NOW!

Newt: YOOOOOOO!

Jacob: YOOOOOOO!

Tina: I'd post it'satrap.gif but I'm too surprised to see you.

Yusuf: Expelliarmus. *disarms Newt and nonverbally conjures bars on the doorway in the same
moment*

Newt: Ah shit.

Tina and Jacob: *immediately try to go for the bars*

Yusuf: FOOLED YOU!

Jacob: Oh choke on a baguette of dicks!

Tina: Wait, was I actually imprisoned by you before or is this a sudden new betrayal for me.
Yusuf: It's not a hundred percent clear but I'm gonna go murder Credence now okay
byeeeeeeeeee~!

Tina: I implore you to reconsider!

Yusuf: I literally can't. Well, I can, but I don't wanna die myself, so...shit...shit, shit, shiiit... *grabs
at his eye and passes out in pain*

Jacob: *stares at him* ...You are doing a fine job, Shitlord.

Newt: ...I may have fucked this up.

Tina: Yeah no shit. You just lost me my only lead on account of I guess I assume he's dead now.

Newt: Well how was the interrogation going before we turned up?

Jacob: *is still struggling with the bars* I'm drinking urine right now, 'cause fuck my life.

Pickett: I am Groot! *opens the door*

Jacob: OR NOT SINCE I FORGOT ABOUT THAT FEATURE and also good thing you brought
him with you in addition to the nifflers, surprised that wasn't highlighted when we left.

Newt: Like he even lives anywhere besides my coat pocket at this point.

Jacob: Fair. Also you seem pretty nonchalant at the fact that a dude just had a seizure and passed
out in front of us. Like, I know he just kidnapped us and all, but you're still ostensibly the lead of
the movie, and if you don't care that means the audience doesn't care. That's how narrative
language works within the context of a film and, to give an example, that's why the Ent scenes in
Two Towers were so boring because Merry and Pippin were noticeably impatient in almost every
scene with Treebeard. Which in this case has the side effect of the audience not caring about the
only black man in the movie, so good job there.

Tina: Well I'm at least gonna rush over.

Jacob: Oh good, now we can—

Tina: To grab our wands back first and foremost.

Jacob: Of course you are.

Newt: Hang on, gotta grab my Fantastic Beast™.

Pickett: I am Groot?

Newt: No that was not an innuendo. *allows him to hop onto his arm so he can disappear for the
rest of the scene*

Tina: Here's your wand.

Newt: Ta. *kneels down beside Yusuf with her* So. What is even his deal.

Tina: Wants to kill Credence, like nearly everyone else in this movie besides us. And Grindelwald.
Newt: And Dumbledore!

Tina: I barely know who that is, Mr. Scamander.

Newt: Okay, about that—

Jacob: LOUD NOISES!

Loud noise: *happens*

Newt: ...Well I could take five seconds to explain that I'm not marrying Leta but fuck that I got
basically the only Fantastic Beast™ in the movie to track down.

Jacob: I mean she's not the only one—

Newt: The only one with any real relevance and the only one that people might remember.

Jacob: That's true enough, I guess.

~The hell took her so long, it's been like a full day since she escaped.~

Possibly non-magical Paris since there's a car there: Seriously, wonder where the zouwu's been
when she hasn't been onscreen.

Zouwu: No idea but I'm here now. *clambers down between two buildings and growls at
everyone*

Newt: *is standing in the middle of the street as probably non-magical people are running the fuck
away* Wonder how much trouble we'll be in with the French Ministry of Magic for breaking the
statute of secrecy with this Fantastic Beast™ running amok, as that was such a massive deal last
film and it's weird that it's not here.

Zouwu: Get back here so I can menace you proper! *slashes at a couple of cars and tires and
things*

Tina: *is staring at the zouwu wreck havoc* And how is Newt gonna get himself out of this
wacky scenario!?

Newt: *puts his case down on the pavement*

Jacob: I am somehow convinced you can't handle this thing – possibly because my memory is
somewhat faulty and if the swooping evil really did get rid of my bad memories then there's
absolutely no way in hell that I remember the eurumpent.

Yusuf: Thanks for dragging me all the way up here. *is slick with sweat*

Jacob: ...I legit thought you were dead.

Yusuf: Yes, none of this is all that clear, is it. Like, how did we even get up here.

Jacob: Apparently Newt teleported, and then Tina teleported with both of us, at least according to
the script. But since that wasn't shown we could've walked up here for all the audience knows, not
everyone bothered with the script, especially this time.
The zouwu's long tail: *is swooping around Newt as she advances on him and roars at him*

Newt: CAT TOY! *holds up a cat toy and jingles it*

Zouwu: ...I want one.

Tina: Oh that's adorable.

Newt: *dangles the cat toy around to make sure the zouwu's following it* Waaaaant it?

Zouwu: Yes please.

Tina: ...You can stop cutting back to me now, we get it, I like Newt for his kindness toward hurt
things and his knowledge on how to deal with them, now get back to the Fantastic Beast™, there's
so few of them in this movie and it should always have been the main focus.

Newt: I think I would've preferred if, in order to get away from the fake news of me and Leta, you
assigned yourself the mission of investigating that circus, and when I followed you it would be all
of us saving/freeing all of the Fantastic Beasts™ from said circus. And Queenie could've shown up
eventually looking for you, and Jacob would've found her again, and we all could've reconciled
and hung out in purportedly the most romantic city in the world.

Tina: Dude that would've been so much better. Not great, 'cause JKR still can't write romance for
shit and when she does she fucks it up – see Jacob and Queenie being way better together first
movie or saying later that Ron and Hermione shouldn't have gotten together – but better than what
we fucking got!

Newt: Yeah and maybe ease up on the baby murder a tad so it doesn't become an amusing
footnote. *drops the cat toy into the case*

Zouwu: MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE!
MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE!
MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE!
MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! TIME!
MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE!
MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! *dives into the case which closes after her*

Non-magical people who are still there by the dozen: ...What the fuck just happened.

Newt: No idea but my card thing that Dumbledore gave me is lighting up so let's all just teleport
away now and very much not deal with the aftermath or consequences of this and therefore imply
that there were no consequences to this.

Tina and Jacob: M'kay.

~In conclusion: fuck it.~

 ...WHY IS MCGONAGALL HERE
Chapter Notes

Fucking idiot just did what the judge literally told him not to do, this is going
great: A Very Potter Musical, Super Best Friends Play, Hellsing Ultimate Abridged,
Final Fantasy VIII, Castle Super Beast, Avengers: Endgame, Kung Pow: Enter the
Fist, PatStaresAt, JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,
Riverdale, The Simpsons, Guardians of the Galaxy, and anything under the Harry
Potter umbrella.

~OH THANK FUCK HOGWARTS IS BACK FINALLY SOMETHING TO GIVE HALF A

SHIT ABOUT.~

Aerial shot of Hogwarts: *exists*

Movie: *bursts into song*

We gotta get back to Hogwarts
We gotta get back to school
We gotta get ourselves to Hogwarts
And maybe then they'll think we're coool

Auror No. 1: Why are we, like, actually excited for this part.

Auror No. 2: The most popular thing in the least popular thing is still the most popular thing of
that least popular thing.

Auror No 3: You're not unright.

Students: *peaking out the windows and watch as the aurors apparate onto the Hogwarts bridge
thing* Yeah seriously, this is supposed to be impossible, what's with the immediate lore-breaking
bullshit. Also what're these weird grown-ups doing here and how did we all know to scramble for
the windows all at the same time to watch them arrive.

Travers, Theseus, and others: ...Why is the standard for adult magical people these days a
fucking long coat.

Leta: And why am I the only one in a colorful dress, that tall woman behind me is wearing the
cop-standard uniform or whatever this lack of magical attire is. Also I used to get bullied here a lot
and am very much unhappy to be back.

Theseus: Oh get over yourself.

Hedwig's theme: *is still playing as loud as it possibly can as the doors open just so you can make
sure that you're basking in the nostalgia which is the only reason that this trilogy exists to begin
with*

Dumbledore: Now what are the three biggest mistakes that this scene is making right now?
McLaggen: Uh, it was mentioned in HBP that Professor Galatea Merrythought had taught for fifty
years up until Tom Riddle had nearly graduated – and he'd just been born the previous December –
so unless y'all swap around a lot, Merrythought should be the one teaching Defense right now?

Dumbledore: That's one, what else?

McLaggen: The idea that more than one age group of students take the same class, going solely on
the height differentiations of the students surrounding us?

Dumbledore: Good, good. The last one? The most important one?

McLaggen: The fact that they're using one of Cormac McLaggen's predecessors for this scene
instead of the surname of people we might actually like if we really did have to do this at all which
we didn't?

Dumbledore: Exactly. And because no one likes your descendant, I'm gonna curse you up into the
air.

McLaggen: It's a fair cop.

Dumbledore: But I am going to conjure a fancy chair for you right before you hit the ground,
almost as if I should've been teaching Transfiguration this whole time instead.

Surrounding students: Yeah that would've made way more sense.

Travers: *bursts through the door* Remember, kids. You are not the future.

McGonagall: *trailing after him* Hello, I'll be your angry female librarian stereotype for the film,
I'm sure everyone's happy to see me.

Travers: They'd be happier to see you if you were literally any other character instead of someone
who won't even be born for another eight years. Also who're you gonna call on me, the wizard
cops? I'm chief of fucking police! And also the fashion police – what are you wearing.

Dumbledore: A three-piece minus the jacket.

Travers: I only ask because in the future/previous films you'll end up being basically the only
person who still wears anything even vaguely resembling robes, but now you're wearing non-
magical attire the same as the rest of us which is even more jarring somehow.

Dumbledore: Wonder if I completely changed my presentation out of a desperate need to separate

certain parts of my life once I finally imprisoned my boyfriend. Ah well, the last two films will
never be made so I guess we'll never know.

Travers: And all was well. Now, the lot of you, bugger off.

Students: YOU CAN'T TELL US WHAT TO DO.

Dumbledore: Yes they can. Go with Professor McGonagall, please.

Students: ...Wait what. She's not, like, Minerva McGonagall, is she, is she like her mother or
something?

Dumbledore: Of course not. Not only did they need a recognizable name for the audience to freak
out over, but also all old people are roughly the same age, you see. So it makes perfect sense for
her to be here as well, even though all the conjecture from the actual series itself – the number of
years she'd told Umbridge she'd been teaching, et cetera – would've put her birth year in 1935 and
it's currently 1927. But ignore that as we really needed to bank on the nostalgia here to make any of
this palatable to audiences.

Students: Fine... *trail slowly out of the classroom*

ShieldEcho: *going through this chapter one more time before they post it* Oh, uh, content
warning for descriptions of police brutality. Just realized I needed that.

McLaggen: Hey. You put him out of a job and I'll—

Travers: You'll what? Give me a dehumanizing look? 'Cause there's a certain pin and choke hold
combo that cops do to children who give them dehumanizing looks.

Dumbledore: Jesus Christ, that was ten goddamn years ago (2013) and nothing's changed for
shit...

McLaggen: Also I'm white so no you can't.

McGonagall: McLaggen, I saw footage of a cop smash a white kid's head into a curb so hard he
got permanent brain damage, please don't antagonize this disgusting pig bastard any more than you
already have.

McLaggen: All right, all right... *trails off after the rest of his classmates*

Door: *closes behind them*

Travers: Newt Scamander is in Paris.

Dumbledore: … *looks over at Theseus* Do you two not still have at least one parent, why am I
the one being notified of this.

Theseus: I...huh.

Travers: Oh come off it, we all know you were the one who manipulated him into going in the
first place.

Dumbledore: I actually tried to get him to go in order to save someone you're all trying to murder,
but he was adamant about not saving lives. Probably because Credence is still mostly human and
he's more about animals. Anyway, there must be some other reason he went and it's just a massive
narrative convenience that all of the plot beats are lining up just so.

Travers: *tosses him a poetry book*

Dumbledore: *catches it* I wanna see the gag reel where I keep missing that. Or any gag reel at
all, honestly.

Travers: You've read The Predictions of Tycho Dodonus?

Dumbledore: I have, and thanks for reminding me, we really do need some extra electives added
to the curriculum for the sake of media literacy and forming arguments—
Travers:
A son cruelly banished
Despair of the daughter
Return—

Dumbledore: We don't need to hear the whole thing, the audience has no need to form their own
conclusion before the big reveal at the end like this is some kind of mystery story, even though
that's what it always is and would have probably been at least more coherent if not actually better
had this been a novel where all of the clues have the time to not only be pointed out but breathe in
general. *sits on his desk*

Travers: Yeah so the point is that everyone thinks that it's the obscurial.

Dumbledore: Oh? Which one?

Travers: The only one that literally everyone knows about. Also Grindelwald wants them.

Dumbledore: As a weapon, I know, I do have an ear to the ground, you know.

Travers: So do you not think it convenient that Scamander goes wherever they do?

Theseus: What're you talking about, I'm right here—Oh. Newt. I knew that.

Travers: We know he wants to protect them, and we very much know how close of an ear to the
ground that you in fact have.

Dumbledore: ...I get the distinct impression you're embarrassed of me.

Travers: Dumbledore—

Dumbledore: I'm gonna go with no.

Travers: Jesus Christ, it's like pulling teeth with you. *beat* Which I imagine is quite easy with
magic so never mind.

Dumbledore: And just because you don't have any friends doesn't mean it's wrong to have them,
or that those friends should be from other countries. Also you're wasting time and resources trying
to keep an eye on me and said friends when you should be stopping these crimes of Grindelwald's.

Travers: And had you actually tried to squeeze in the title like that I would've punched you full in
the face.

Dumbledore: And that exact kind of police brutality is what's driving people right to Grindelwald.

Travers: ...That doesn't actually make any fucking sense. He's just as violent and deadly as we are,
we just follow the letter of the law—

Dumbledore: While overstepping constantly and killing and maiming at will with few to zero
consequences.

Travers: Granted, but he's really not doing any better than we are. Now, if it was spelled out at any
point that, in order to fulfill his desires for all magical people to live freely and openly, he wanted
to abolish/get everyone to completely ignore the statute of secrecy while we did our best to uphold
both it and our continued isolation, while using violent means to maintain said status quo, then
you'd have an argument. But instead you make it seem like this is a response to police brutality and
nothing more. That leads to Black Lives Matter and other anti-cop protests, not Charlottesville.

Dumbledore: Yes, but living freely and openly is Grindelwald's goal.

Travers: Is it? 'Cause it seems more like he's back to the ruling, subjugation, enslavement, and
murder of all Muggles.

Dumbledore: Well yeah, living freely and openly is far too sympathetic, relatable, and indeed
desirable motivation for a queer-coded villain to have, which is why we have to show him killing
small animals and having infants murdered on his orders to make it known that he is in fact a bad
person.

Travers: ...It's shit like that that makes me not the biggest fan of The Falcon and the Winter
Soldier and why I'm worried about Cap 4 since a bunch of the same people are working on it.

Theseus: Was Namor even a villain?

Travers: Not really! But I'm gonna cut us off there before we really go into a rant about an
entirely different fandom. *walks up to him* Dumbledore, I hate your fucking guts, but we really
need you to fight Grindelwald for us. We couldn't stop him if we tried. 'Cause we tried. And we
couldn't stop him.

Dumbledore: …

Travers: …

Dumbledore: …

Travers: …

Dumbledore: …

Travers: …

Dumbledore: …

Travers: …

Dumbledore: …

Travers: …

Squall: Ellipsis.

Dumbledore: …Nah.

Travers: *rolls his eyes and pulls out his wand* 'Cause of this? *conjures an image of Dumbledore
and Grindelwald together as much younger men*

Dumbledore: ...How'd you even get that gif set.

Travers: It's not a hundred percent clear, I have no idea how I just did that, if I got the images off a
photograph or if you don't need a penseive to show off memories anymore or what.
Theseus: One would think you at least needed a skull bong.

Travers: Right?Just give me some sort—doesn't have to be a good story reason but that's all I
need. Give me a bad story reason why we can do this kind of shit at will now...

Image: *is now just young Grindelwald*

Dumbledore: Fuck, he was so hot, what the fuck happened...

Travers: Now normally I'd make a derisive “What, don't wanna fight your boyfriend?” quip, but
gay jokes aren't funny when the person in question is actually gay. So instead I'll just comment that
you and he were as close as brothers.

Dumbledore: ...We were closer than brothers.

Travers: ...Is that it?

Dumbledore: For this one, yeah.

Travers: ...I... *runs his hand through his hair in frustration* The amount of people who insist that
their entirely platonic relationships with their friends go beyond the boundaries of siblings – the
amount of Marauder fics within this fandom that go out of their way to use the expression “closer
than brothers,” some of which don't even include WolfStar...

Theseus: We were all told that you were gay in 2007. It's 2018. You can fucking say it onscreen.

Dumbledore: No I can't, this needs to be played internationally.

Travers: But do you really want to accept money from those types of places, though?

JKR: Obviously? I'll take the money of anyone who agrees with me! 'Cause if they give me
money that does in fact mean that they agree with me!

Travers: For fuck's sake...

PatStaresAt: I saw the best tweet about this, it was like, “Oh, Dumbledore loved cock, he loved it
so much, every day, in his mouth—” “Can he hold hands with a dude in the movie?” “No.”

ShieldEcho: As someone who is aromantic, I've been perfecting the craft of the Just Friends
Argument for years; my Cursed Child parody was all about that. My point is that I finally get it
now that, in order to properly have representation, it needs to be stated in full and out loud. I still
vividly remember the reaction to the Last of Us DLC when a bunch of cishet women were insisting
that they kiss their friends on the lips all the time and didn't stop insisting that Ellie couldn't
possibly be a lesbian until the second game came out. *rubs eyes* If we weren't informed that
Dumbledore was gay outside of the series or until the next movie, Dumbledore/Grindelwald would
probably still be shipped but not taken much more seriously than WolfStar or Drarry by people
outside the fandom. Heteronormativity is that ingrained into our bones and the way that the vast,
vast majority of us were raised and are still being raised.

Image of Grindelwald: *morphs from Jamie Campbell Bower into Johnny Depp*

Dumbledore: ...You look like melted ice cream.

Travers: Exactly, so will you fight him now that he's less hot?
Dumbledore: Still no.

Travers: I implore you to reconsider.

Dumbledore: ...Can you wait until 1945.

Travers: Not really!

Dumbledore: Well then we're at an impasse. And I think that is about as clear a non-answer as I
can give you.

Travers: ...If you're not against him then you're with him. So fine. Be a massive coward. That's a
good way to live your life. *conjures some metal cuffs on Dumbledore's wrists* Now, according to
the script, these are called Admonitors. I don't know if they double as a tracking device but I do
know that I'll know every spell you cast from now on, somehow. Which, frankly, is exactly the
type of thing that Harry would've been looking to use on Albus in the Cursed Child. And the
Ministry would've loved to use these on Harry himself and on Dumbledore again in Books Five
and Six. What I'm saying is, if cops had access to this type of magic back in the twenties, then why
not in the nineties and beyond.

Dumbledore: Because they were considered cruel and unusual punishment?

Travers: That's never stopped a cop before.

Dumbledore: Ah, but Harry's one of the good ones, see.

Travers: Which is precisely why he wanted to use it on a minor in the play. Now, I'm going to
waste even more manpower on you by doubling how many aurors follow you around, and even
though I haven't spoken and will not speak to Dippet I am apparently removing you of your
teaching post.

Dumbledore: ...So am I imprisoned here without any sort of job whatsoever or can I go and teach
Transfiguration now?

Travers: Isn't McGonagall teaching that?

Dumbledore: It's not a hundred percent clear, actually—

Travers: Don't care, got bored with this conversation back when we stopped talking about Marvel
villains. Theseus, is Leta done with her flashback yet, we need to get to Paris. *leaves with the
other wizard cops in tow*

Theseus: I don't think she's even started it yet... *moves to follow them out*

Dumbledore: Theseus, hold up. Grindelwald is steadily rising to power because people like your
colleagues were violent to their side first, you understand? You can't violently oppose fascists, or
you'll reveal yourselves as the real villains.

Theseus: ...Heather Heyer.

Dumbledore: I'm sorry?

Theseus: I know there's been far more since, but Heather Heyer is the one that sticks out the most
in my memory. She was involved in a counter protest to the Charlottesville Unite The Right rally,
and she was murdered for it.

Dumbledore: Well exactly, had she not been there in the first place—

Theseus: We have a choice between doing what is right and doing what is easy. You are the one
who keeps saying it. *shakes head in disappointment* It is incredibly easy to blame the victim for
the violent actions of others; it is much more difficult to stand up for what is right while knowing
very well that your life could be at stake. And I am not a fan of your very common pattern of
victim blaming, Dumbledore.

Dumbledore: I want all my ignorant shit to go unchallenged.

Theseus: Clearly.

Travers: Theseus, I can hear you getting pissed off in there; just block and move on, it'll be so
much better for your mental health.

Theseus: Excellent idea, boss-man. *leaves*

Dumbledore: CAN YOU AT LEAST INSTRUCT YOUR COLLEAGUES TO NOT MURDER

ANYONE AT THE RALLY!? *beat* Damn, don't think he heard me...

~Not that it made a fucking lick of different anyway.~

Great hall: Why're all the floating candles lit, I thought that was only for the bigger feasts and shit.
Then again it's been a few years now since I've seen literally any of these movies for pleasure so
my memory could be faulty and I sure as shit feel no need to fact check.

Leta: *stares into the great hall for a moment* ...Yep, sure was a lot of food-eating done here.
*goes into some random empty classroom next* I forget which class this was. *sits at a desk and
opens it*

Desk: *has carved into it Leta's full-ass name along with the names of several others such as a
Nigellus and a Morgrix, what looks like the word Hufflepuff blocked by Leta's arm, and of course
the sign of the Deathly Hallows which how is that not equivalent to a swastika by this point, like,
within the fucking fandom. Or have people indeed realized that by now, I wouldn't know*

Leta: I know my name's carved in full lower down but I'm gonna trace the letters of me and Newt
instead. Which implies that we might've had a romantic connection back in the day. Which there's
not a heart around it so I shall deny everything and think that our friendship was so strong it was
like we were closer than siblings. See? See how that can still work? Also I thought that the original
idea was that we had a falling out and that I framed Newt for something that involved a Fantastic
Beast™ that got him at least momentarily expelled, but I guess that will literally never be brought
up again. Also where is that bell ringing coming from, am I slipping into a flashback?

~Evidently yes!~

Gryffindor girl 1: Did you hear about that girl who asserted her individuality?

Gryffindor girl 2: That's fucked up! As is the fact that of course the Lestrange name would make
people feel sick, in this film it becomes synonymous with kidnapping, rape, and forced birth
immediately followed by death.

Gryffindor girl 1: Yeah no it's not great. You know she stays here every vacation which should be
holiday I think? It can only be because her relatives don't want her around, and not for the idea that
she might be trying to avoid them because they're incredibly toxic and harmful for her to be
around. Or maybe she's just an introvert who would prefer the relative isolation of a mostly empty
castle to being forced to deal with who knows how many people in a compulsory social gathering.
Or any other number of reasons!

Gryffindor girl 2: You're absolutely right; it has to be for that first one that you mentioned. You
can't show any weaknesses when the Leta is out of her natural habitat.

Gryffindor girl 1: She'll likely open up your belly and suck out the nutrients from your innards.

Leta: I tire of this. *rounds the corner and points her wand at one of the girls* Oscausi!

Gryffindor girl 2's mouth: *completely disappears off of her face*

Leta: Genuinely surprised no fellow student from literally any house ever cast this on Hermione in
the main series. *employs the Joestar Secret Technique*

Gryffindor girl 1: Professor McGonagall, first of all, no idea how you're actually here, still, and
secondly, Leta's doing magic in the halls again! *runs after her along with all of the other students
in that group* I just don't understand! Didn't it feel great when we laughed at you during this awful
memory?

McGonagall: NO RUNNING WITHIN THE CASTLE GROUNDS, HOW DARE ALL OF YOU
SHOW SUCH BLATANT DISREGARD FOR THE HALLOWED HALLS OF THIS GREAT
INSTITUTE OF LEARNING!? 20,349,857,234,282,098 POINTS FROM SLYTHERIN! None
from Gryffindor though, even though it's a crowd of...Jesus Christ, it really is a group of white
children chasing after what appears to be the only fucking person of color in the entire fucking
school, at least in 1927 we have a few more of those in Dumbledore's class...which I should be
teaching, otherwise why even bother including me aside from fucking nostalgia which isn't gonna
do anything but piss people off.

Leta: Okay they were right on my heels, how did I manage to hide.

All of the other students who used to laugh and call her names: *run right by her hiding spot*

McGonagall: *stops running conveniently right within the camera's field of view*

Leta: Uh-uh, I'm not waiting for the one vaguely intelligent one of the crowd to actually use her
brains to fucking find me. *leaves through a nearby door*

Gryffindor girl 2: *runs up beside her*

McGonagall: *nonverbally removes the hex*

Gryffindor girl 2: Professor, why the ever-living fuck wasn't this spell used to silence
Grindelwald/Abernathy instead of physically removing his fucking tongue? It's a third-year spell
here and Americans can't be that fucking ignorant, there had to be someone who knew how to cast
and maintain it—

McGonagall: Don't point out obvious flaws that could've been seen by literally anyone looking
over the script even once. *removes her mouth again*
Leta: *goes up the steps to find Newt's little hideaway* Oooh, a streeler! I recognize that from
either one of the video games or just my memory of the textbook you haven't written yet.

Newt: Yes, well done on you.

Leta: Where'd you even find that.

Newt: It's never going to be explained!

Leta: Oooooh, mysterious! As is why you're not packing yet, you staying too?

Newt: Yep. Mum's got the hippogriffs handled at home; I'm needed here.

Leta: Is it 'cause of whatever's in the tank next to you?

Newt: Nope, this little one. *shows off the injured bird*

Leta: And what kind of Fantastic Beast™ is that?

Newt: ...A raven chick.

Leta: Oh.

Newt: Isn't the raven on your family's crest or whatever?

Leta: Are you asking this because it'll come up later in the film?

Newt: That's literally the only reason, yes. *gently passes her the chick* Honestly expected it to be
an augury or something.

Leta: Nah, that'd make sense. As would fucking Ravenclaw using a fucking raven on its crest
thing...

Newt: Right!?

~Oh those were baby grindylows in the tank, that's cute.~

Dumbledore: *sighs deeply* This isn't a cute callback to Lupin teaching the kids about boggarts
later like the filmmakers might've thought it was. Lupin was supposed to be the cool, innovative
teacher, but this just makes it look like he was copying me instead of doing his own thing/building
off what his father might've taught him. *shakes his head sadly* Anyway, we're skipping whoever
the unnamed kids in the script were, so it's your go, Newt.

Newt: *steps forward*

Boggart: *turns into a desk with a typewriter and loads of paperwork on it*

Dumbledore: ...Wut.

Newt: Office Space is a horror film.

Dumbledore: I'll take your word for it, I've actually never seen it. Also, er, bit existential for a
thirteen-year-old, isn't it?
Newt: In case you haven't noticed, I'm weird. I'm a weirdo. I don't fit in. And I don't wanna fit in.
*beat* Also I'm apparently sixteen in this scene, at least according to the script.

Dumbledore: Oh, I see! That...was not communicated at all. Like, in any way. And actually that
would make more sense, you'd all have been forced into choosing career paths by this point so that
would be all you thought about, yeah, no, that works way better. *sighs again* If only that had
been pointed out, I've spent years laughing at how stupid this scene was 'cause I legit thought I was
teaching third years this whole time.

Newt: Nope, actual solid character analysis. Also I find dragons amusing. Riddikulus!

Desk: *turns into a fucked-up desk dragon thing*

Class: *applauds*

Dumbledore: *pulls Leta forward as Newt moves toward the back* Now remember, Leta, the
human condition is about mitigating public shame. It's only a boggart. It can't hurt you.

Leta: Harry with the dementor boggart.

Dumbledore: Correct me again and I'll ask Dippet to let us rip off students' toenails for detention
again.

Leta: *rolls eyes and steps forward*

Gryffindor girl 1: I've been looking forward to publicly finding out the biggest weakness of this
student we like to bully relentlessly so that I have more ammunition against her.

Script: *has Leta see a shadow with a tiny human hand as Leta sobs and runs from the room*

Film: *shows off, for the first time to anyone not watching the deleted scenes, an ethereal sinking
white sheet*

Dumbledore and students (hey Leta's not the only POC in the student body, I'm legitimately
surprised): ...What the fuck are we looking at.

Leta: *just stands there and stares at it*

~Thank you, filmmakers, for doing your own thing with that, that's far less of a girlish stereotype.
Also it's just nice to see people freeze as that's often a far more common effect of the supposed
fight-or-flight mode, at least in my own personal experience.~

Leta: *is leaning against a tree*

Newt: HI, EVERYBODY!

Leta: Hey Newt. You cool with talking about literally anything other than that class we just had?

Newt: How 'bout the fact that, I get that our robes have to look different in the 1910s than they
would in the 1990s to show how much times have changed, but isn't the whole point of the
isolationist wizarding world that we don't actually like change? And also even if we did change our
outfits, wouldn't we, like, not want to base it off of Muggle boarding school uniforms with added
pretty long coats?
Leta: Yeah really not a fan of the plaid skirt, that's way too fucking similar to muggle uniforms I've
actually seen in real life.

Newt: Exactly. Also there's a cool thing I wanna show you.

Establishing shot: *happens*

Newt: Don't ask me precisely how we got onto this island at the far end of the lake.

Leta: I'm gonna take a leap and say magic.

Newt: How dare you be correct. AND NOW TO DISTRACT YOU WITH SOME FANTASTIC
BEASTS™!

Leta: OH HURRAH!

Newt: So this might be how I actually fucking met Pickett, implying that I stole him from
Hogwarts grounds.

Pickett: I am Groot! *hops onto Newt's hand*

Newt: I will regret nothing. And now to rattle off a bunch of facts about my hyperfixation because
I don't quite know how to interact with other people.

Leta: JKR infantilizing people on the spectrum is even more horrendous when that is literally
exactly how she coded you.

Newt: You don't have to tell me. WANNA HOLD HIM?

Leta: YES PLEASE!

Newt: I appreciate you. You are now my friend. For this you will be brutally murdered on-camera.

~And now for a very abrupt ending to that flashback.~

Leta: *still has her hand on the desk* And that's why I'm the person that stands before you today,
just dead, just all dead, up here in my soul.

Dumbledore: *walks into the classroom* I'm glad I learned all those personal details about your
life so I'm sad when you get killed in two or three scenes.

Leta: Glad you enjoyed it. *closes the desk* So. Ready to reminisce about what an evil child I
used to be?

Dumbledore: You weren't any more evil than literally any teenager who's ever lived.

Leta: Stop trying to make me feel in any way good about myself, that is not how this castle is
supposed to work.

Dumbledore: Leta, I know how painful the rumors about your brother Corvus must be for you.

Leta: No, you don't. Not unless you had a brother who died too.

Dumbledore: Well Grindelwald certainly seems to fucking think so and everyone will be
convinced of that idea for like four fucking years.

Leta: Does he actually think that or is he just lying?

Dumbledore: I don't know nor do I really care. Anyway I actually have a dead sister. And I think
that is about as clear a non-answer as I can give you.

Leta: Oh, sick, we should get a drink sometime and talk about how fucking dead our siblings are
and how their deaths are mostly our fault probably.

Dumbledore: Fuck would I like getting away from all these fucking children for a few hours, that
sounds delightful.

Leta: Wait, shit, did you even like your sister, 'cause I don't actually think I like my brother, it's
more of an extremely complex “I regret killing an already-existing baby and feel guilty about
destroying the potential life he might've had” thing.

Dumbledore: I did like my sister, actually – loved her, in fact – but I loved someone else more and
that's what fucked things up. Is what I would say were I allowed to be visibly gay in this film.

Leta: Yeah no that fucking sucks shit.

Dumbledore: Hey you know that time in GoF when I said “Numbing the pain for a while will
make it worse when you finally feel it”?

Leta: That advice that's actually horseshit since sometimes the amount of trauma that someone
experiences can psychologically and sometimes physically prevent them from talking about it until
they are, in fact, personally ready? Slash sometimes they don't feel safe enough to talk about it
depending on the company they're in?

Dumbledore: Yeah well I'm paraphrasing it again here anyway because we have to keep making
me sound as wise as possible. Ahem: Regret is my constant companion. Don't let it become yours.

~LOOK ANOTHER DELETED SCENE I GUESS THIS GOES HERE WHO THE FUCK
KNOWS.~

Dumbledore: *is walking along a corridor with a couple of textbooks in his hand and his suit
jacket draped over his arm*

McGonagall: There you are! What did Travers want? And why the fuck did he jump straight to
you instead of meeting up with Dippet, I would've liked to see a cameo from him instead of me, he
was actually here at this time.

Dumbledore: Well—

McGonagall: Absolutely outrageous behavior, barging into a school like that!

Dumbledore: And yet you're not used to it when it happens continuously over a certain few years.
Anyway, it's no concern of someone who has yet to be born. I'm gonna go mark some papers if you
don't mind clearing the hell off. *closes his office door in her face*

McGonagall: ...Why in the entire fuck do I look like I'm holding fucking laundry.

~Yo what if the cameo had been a still-living Binns.~

 YEAH NO IF GRINDELWALD HAD TOLD QUEENIE ABOUT THE
HOLOCAUST IT'D MAKE WAY MORE SENSE
Chapter Notes

Back from a family vacation where I was the only one masked and I am Worried:
Beauty and the Beast, Super Best Friends Play YouTube, Kung Pow: Enter the Fist,
50% Off, Archer, George of the Jungle, Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, Fantasy
High, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, Blackadder, Family Guy, American
Horror Story, The Simpsons, Mean Girls, A Very Potter Sequel, Willy Wonka and the
Chocolate Factory, Gladiator, Gurren Lagann, and anything under the Harry Potter
umbrella.

~If it looks like I'm starting to get severe burnout it's because I'm starting to get severe burnout.~

Paris: *still has the Eiffel Tower in the background to make sure you know that we are in fact still
in Paris*

Queenie: *is in the fancy dead family's house with Rosier – I thought Grindelwald said that he was
gonna clean the place up a bit, it still looks just as cluttered as before* ...What's with the rocking
horse.

Rosier: Used to be a horse girl.

Queenie: Really?

Rosier: Iunno, I'm like the blankest of blank slates in this film.

Queenie: Oh, cool.

Floating teapot: We've got a lot to do! *tries to fill Queenie's teacup*

Queenie: I actually don't really like tea, I'm more of a coffee person.

Rosier: Is that because you Americans did that whole tea dump thing that one time in Boston?

Queenie: The what now?

Rosier: ...Literally how do you not know about that.

Queenie: Because I went to magic American school, I assume the history classes there also mostly
focus on our constant push back against goblins having civil rights. Also Salem. Lot of Salem.

Rosier: Yeah no that makes sense.

Queenie: Anyway, I'm done with my cup – choked it down out of politeness – and I'm feeling way
better now so if you don't mind I think I'll just go... *stands*
Rosier: *also stands*

Queenie: I don't know if me claiming that Tina's looking for me is me trying to find more excuses
to leave or if it's just wishful thinking.

Floating teapot: Is it one lump or two, for you our guest? *tries to refill the cup again*

Queenie: I said I'm good, thanks.

Rosier: Sure, you can leave, once you meet the man of the house.

Queenie: Oh, are you married?

Rosier: ...Why do you immediately jump to that?

Queenie: So you're not, got it.

Rosier: I'm asking why you asked that.

Queenie: Is that not the thing to ask?

Rosier: I want to know why it's your go-to.

Queenie: Oh. Well...I'm hoping to be married, sooner rather than later. So I guess it's on my mind,
is all.

Rosier: ...Acceptable, I suppose.

Queenie: AND NOW FOR A JOKE ABOUT YOU BEING FRENCH BECAUSE
XENOPHOBIA IS FUN. TAKE THIS, STEREOTYPES! I'LL FUCK YOU UP WITH MY
STEREOTYPES!

Rosier: Eh, we're a European country with a white majority that's known for colonization, I feel
like we're on a list of acceptable targets. *leaves the room*

Queenie: ...Guess I'll just wait here then. *sits back down*

Floating teapot: She's our guest!

Queenie: Would you stop.

Grindelwald: Have you considered putting the cup down. *enters the room*

Queenie: *leaps to her feet, knocking the cup to the floor as she points her wand at him* I am
super aware that you're a murderer. Can we solve this without murder.

Grindelwald: *stalks forward* Queenie. We are not here to hurt you. We only want to help you.

Queenie: *backs up* If only I could read minds so that I can see your real intentions.

Grindelwald: I think it's implied that I'm using Occlumency against you or at least showing you
what I know you want to see. Or maybe even thinking things in Not English so you can't
understand.
Queenie: Too bad that's never stated out loud which just serves to make me look like a colossal
dumbass.

Grindelwald: You're so very, very far from home.

Queenie: I still enjoyed it but it's probably my least favorite of the Tom Holland Spider-Man
movies.

Grindelwald: Yeah, that scene where a grown-ass adult orders a minor to strip in front of her, with
everyone treating it like a joke for the literal rest of the movie, was kind of fucked.

Queenie: What're you talking about, it was a woman with a boy so it's fine.

Grindelwald: ...I'm beginning to regret trying to recruit you. Sadly, I need your powers too much
to stop now.

Queenie: Thought you were really good at legilimency yourself.

Grindelwald: I am but it's always good to have a probably superior second opinion. And thank you
for not hexing or cursing me in any way while I'm clearly unarmed, by the way.

Queenie: Tina probably told me how proficient you are with wandless magic, this is just to make
me feel better.

Grindelwald: Got it. Anyway, you're also far away from everything you love, everything that's
comfortable.

Queenie: The culture shock's been pretty bad, yeah. *sighs in frustration* There has to be some
magical means to overcome the language barrier, even D&D has Comprehend Languages...

Grindelwald: Hee hee, you can see me in the mirror. *steps forward again* I would never see you
harmed. Ever.

Queenie: What if I told you that your haircut looks, like, really fucking bad, and that the
heterochromia bullshit is particularly stupid.

Grindelwald: Not even then.

Queenie: Wow.

Grindelwald: It's not your fault that your sister is a fucking pig or that being a fucking pig is one
of the like five jobs that it's possible to have in this fucked up secret society of ours. But you should
know that we are working toward a world where magical people can live out in the open without
fear of constant crackdowns by our governments, which would include loving whoever we wanted
without judgment or consequence.

Queenie: ...I don't know...It's just that somehow I don't quite think that a person wanting a mixed-
race or otherwise “nontraditional” marriage, which is what I'm an allegory of, would be so
desperate for marriage equality that they'd throw their full weight behind ICE. Slash literal Nazis.
So still ICE.

Grindelwald: I implore you to reconsider.

Queenie: See, the trouble is, I know you look completely different to how you did last year what
with you being played by a different actor and all, but you still tried to kill my sister and her maybe
ex while you were maintaining that cover. So you're gonna have to do a little more to convince me.

Grindelwald: Okay, that's easy enough: We also want to stop the Holocaust.

Queenie: The what now?

Grindelwald: It's this thing where the nonmagical German government sees fit to round up about
eleven million people throughout Europe who they deemed don't belong and shoves them into
labor camps where they are tortured, starved, experimented on, and killed. We're talking queer
people, people of color, Romanies, disabled people, and a bunch of other minority groups...with
the largest noted emphasis on Jewish people. The latter of which you are coded as.

Queenie: ...You are winning me over heavily at this point.

Grindelwald: I know, which is why I told you about it. In this parody rather than the actual
fucking movie.

Queenie: Yeah I feel like if you brought that up literally at all before the rally, my turn to your side
would make slightly more sense than just JKR's weird impression of female hysteria or whatever
she's having me do.

Grindelwald: Tell me about it. *takes her wand and makes her lower it* So. Take some time to
think it over. If you really don't want anything to do with this, that's completely fine, no hard
feelings whatsoever. You can go now if you want.

Queenie: ...What's stopping me from going right back to the French Ministry right now and
reporting your location.

Grindelwald: Not a damn thing. Other than my offer actually being quite tempting and the
probable knowledge that no one will take you seriously, especially after your poor performance
when you were there earlier.

Queenie: ...Fuck.

~I don't think there's much more here than the bad feeling in my soul.~

Dumbledore: Did I just never move the Mirror of Erised until PS/SS, the hell... *takes the giant
black drape off of it and looks into it*

An image of Young Dumbledore and Young Grindelwald: *appear, the two of them cutting into
the palms of their hands with their wands*

Dumbledore: ...Why did we do that, pricking the finger would've been enough and wouldn't have
fucked up our grips for days if not weeks...Though I suppose we instantly healed them with
magic...

Young Dumbledore and Young Grindelwald: *press their cut hands together, interlocking their
fingers*

Dumbledore: Oh they did let me hold hands with another man in the film. *beat* I know too
many straight people, they'd still have read this as platonic had it not been spelled out in a fucking
interview.
Two drops of blood: *float upward, combine, and form that pendant thing that
Abernathy/Grindelwald was holding at the beginning of the movie*

Dumbledore: ...So my deepest desire is to just relive that over and over again even though at this
point I probably wished we'd never done that. Great, good to know.

Image of Grindelwald: I'm pretty sure it was just for the sake of exposition and that you would
really just see me. Or possibly both of us standing next to each other but they couldn't be that
explicit yet.

Dumbledore: What, two men standing together is too explicit?

Image of Grindelwald: Apparently anything with a hint of a rainbow on it is too explicit these
days.

Dumbledore: Fuck me...

Image of Grindelwald: Can't, I'm a vision in a literal magic mirror.

Dumbledore: Bugger.

Image of Grindelwald: ...What're the odds that we made this thing because it was the closest we
could get to getting gay married in the magical world.

Dumbledore: Had that been laid out at any point I'd have so much more respect for this film.

Image of Grindelwald: Right!?

~That was the literal only way I could justify any of this to myself when this movie first came
out.~

A house: *exists, with that symbol that was on the card that Dumbledore gave to Newt that I only
noticed now through pausing all the time*

Tina: *stares at the open case on the floor, completely skipping the part in the script where a
magical person tries to wake someone up with smelling salts and also that stupid fucking poetry
book shows up again*

Case: *doesn't have the photo of Tina there anymore, weird*

Zouwu: *tosses Newt into the leaves in an illusion of a big open area inside his case*

Newt: *curls up into a ball*

Zouwu: *picks him up with one of her talons*

Jacob: *calls down into the case* Hey, Newt? I know I could probably clear up everything for you
by telling Tina myself that Leta's marrying your brother and not you, but I'm not gonna. So if you
could hurry up and come up here, she looks like she's reading some boring-ass poetry and you're
way more interesting...

Zouwu: Why are the chains still on me.

Newt: Working on it.

Jacob: Of course the one fat character has to wonder where the food is, that's great. Couldn't find
any, though. I wonder why this place is abandoned. It's probably abandoned due to spookiness.

Tina: You sure there isn't any food?

Jacob: *eyeroll* Yeah, don't trust Crazy Old Jacob! He'll punch you in the tooth if you look at him
weird!

Newt: I mean – you did.

Jacob: Yeah, I'm saying! Don't trust me! *sighs* I'll be in the attic if you need me 'cause I'm
feeling pretty fucking useless and what the fuck else am I gonna do.

Newt: Easy... *reaches his hand up and grabs a glowing part of the zouwu's chain* Relashio.
Which I remember most as Harry sending jets of boiling water at a grindylow but I looked it up on
the wiki and it does in fact check out.

Chains: *melt away*

Zouwu: ...Cool that you apparently did that wandlessly.

Newt: Thanks!

Jacob: ...I seem to have lost track of the plot. *goes upstairs*

Newt: *pokes his torso out of the case*

Tina: *is just sitting there next to Yusuf's feet*

Newt: ...Good book?

Tina: Not really, I never liked poetry.

Newt: No one does. Good news is the zouwu's healing up well. She's meant to be a runner but...the
fuck is this lacking in confidence shit, she was imprisoned and tortured, she's probably too fucking
traumatized to do anything right now and she needs to heal up besides—

Tina: Whatever. *closes the book and stands up* Can you wake this dude up or not.

Newt: Er, before we do anything else—

Tina: I don't care about anything else. He's tracking Credence right now and means to murder the
fuck out of them. That's what we need to focus on. *beat* Also apparently unbreakable vows leave
scars now.

Newt: Which is weird, that wasn't mentioned in HBP, I thought that was just a small visual cue
from the film which I'd read as being a momentary imprint, like when you clench your fists and
your fingernails leave marks that fade almost immediately. Just give me some sort—doesn't have
to be a good story reason but that's all I need. Give me a bad story reason why this is now a thing.

Tina: I actually kind of have one for this! Have you noticed that JKR had taken more and more
cues from the movies rather than her own imagination as time went on?

Newt: I had indeed, yes, good point. *walks over to Yusuf* Could be talking about how I'm not
engaged to Leta as I'm doing this but I guess I won't. *uses, once again, fucking smelling salts*

Yusuf: *twitches*

Newt: Hey it didn't do shit, what were the odds. *takes his wand and points it down at Yusuf's
face* Lumos.

Tina: *forces Yusuf's eye open*

A tiny tentacle: *pokes out of his lower eyelid*

Tina and Newt: I AM NOT GOOD WITH EYE SHIT.

Tina: So which Fantastic Beast™ was that?

Newt: There must be a water dragon in that sewer.

Tina: Oooooh, that sounds awesome, what's a water dragon?

Newt: Not important.

Tina: Is this a water dragon?

Newt: No, just a parasite.

Tina: What's its specific name?

Newt: Not important.

Tina: Look, a few people are still writing fanfiction for this fandom and could use the lore—

Newt: JACOB!

Jacob: Right here suddenly.

Newt: There's a pair of tweezers near the top of my case, can you grab them for me?

Jacob: ...Tweezers? Really?

Newt: They're thin, pointy metal—

Tina: Little pointy metal things—

Jacob: Yes I know what tweezers are, I'm just surprised you know.

Tina: Actually yeah, can we not levitate or summon this thing out, especially now that we can
summon living things, why would we need tweezers. Hell, why would you make Jacob get the
tweezers when you can in fact summon them yourself?

Jacob: Well that I think was to make me feel useful. Hey Newt, when did you take Tina's picture
off of your case? *hands him the tweezers*

Newt: It's not a hundred percent clear. *takes them* …Okay I can barely handle this, you can look
away if you need to.
Tina: Nah, need to get over it. Exposure therapy!

Newt: The worst kind!

Tina: Oh I hate it!

Newt: *puts his wand in his mouth*

Jacob: Hey, we still doing phrasing?

Newt: Well that's not normal. Especially what with the viscera. *yanks the parasite out of Yusuf's
eye*

Yusuf: I AM VERY MUCH AWAKE AND AM NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT!

Newt: Good for you. Jacob, nonmagical person very much untrained in animal handling and
anything magic in general, mind holding onto this for me?

Jacob: NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO HOLD THAT! *holds the tweezers* I am half expecting it
to dive right into my own eye. *beat* So what the fuck do I do with it.

Newt: Oh just leave it anywhere, it will literally never be brought up again.

Jacob: Good to know. Anyone else craving calamari right now?

Newt, Tina, and Yusuf: No, I hate seafood.

Jacob: Your loss.

Yusuf: Surprised I'm not speaking in French; when one is under extreme duress one tends to revert
back to their native language.

Tina: You really expect JKR to know or care?

Yusuf: I do not, no. Anyway, gotta get back to murder...

Tina: Who're you murdering again even though I very much already know you're talking about
Credence since you told us earlier when you locked us up?

Yusuf: I'm gonna pass out again now. Bye.

Newt: Yeah it's gonna take longer than that for him to recover, that eye shit really fucks a person
up.

Tina: Good to know, in the meantime I'm gonna report to the French Ministry what I have so far,
and apparently inform them for the first time that I was even here. *grabs her jacket and puts it on*
That being said, they might not have wanted it known that I was here, and with Queenie actively
trying to blow my cover...

Newt: Hang on, can we talk first?

Tina: Nope. Bye. *walks away*

Newt: Stop, don't, come back.

Jacob: Could you stick around for literally 3.12 seconds so I can say the words “Leta's engaged to
Theseus Scamander and not Newt”—

Tina: I DIDN'T HEAR YOU IT WAS GOOD SEEING YOU AGAIN HOW DID YOU EVEN
GET YOUR MEMORY BACK WAS I IN THE KNOW ABOUT THAT WAIT I SEEM TO
HAVE STOPPED CARING BYE. *runs out the door*

Jacob: FOR FUCK'S SAKE. *goes back to Newt* If you told her about the salamanders—

Newt: I couldn't even get a word in.

Jacob: Okay, okay...At least do the romantic-seeming thing and run the fuck after her!

Newt: Can I jump cut to her instead?

Jacob: Whatever, just get her to listen.

~Oh hey a jump cut.~

Newt: *is jogging to catch up with Tina's brisk walking* Tina, Leta's marrying my brother and not
me. Is literally all I should be saying right now.

Tina: Yeah maybe I would've instantly turned around on everything like I in fact do once you do in
fact tell me. But I need to check in with the French chief of police, and we all know how you feel
about the magical justice system—

Newt: That laws are threats made by the dominant socioeconomic ethnic group in a given nation
and is just a promise of violence that's enacted by police who are basically an occupying army?
Made up almost entirely of irredeemable bastards?

Tina: Yeah. Which implies that I'm also an irredeemable bastard, which is generally not a good
way to win someone's affections.

Newt: I love how you immediately jump on the defensive when it concerns yourself while not
internalizing my main point that far too many of your colleagues are murderers and criminals.

Tina: Am I a murderer? No!

Newt: But your colleagues are. The full quote is that a few bad apples spoil the bunch, and
everyone seems content to ignore the bad apples and ignore the rot that is not-so-slowly spreading
on account of it was always there. Not only are they quick to kill anything they don't understand,
but they also murder mere suspects all the time!

Tina: Well those suspects should have complied.

Newt: What the fuck did I ever see in you. You had an out – you were sacked for doing the right
thing. You tried to get back in and they immediately tried to kill you for it. You watched them
escalate a simple case of a young adult having a mental health crisis – one that you were close to
deescalating without the need for a badge, I might add – to that poor soul being shot who knows
how many times by like forty people. And then you went back anyway. And I will never
understand that.

Tina: Well have you considered that I might be trying to change things from the inside and once
I'm head of the American auror office in the next movie I'll most likely implement a bunch of new,
positive policies since the right person will have been put in charge at that point?

Newt: Yeah, changes that we'll never actually see even if the series had continued since this was
still meant to be a globe-trotting adventure, and that still doesn't change the fact that the system
itself needs to be radically re-worked in order to do the most good for the most people!

Tina: Not more defunding bullshit—

Newt: Why not!? If more money were put into social programs instead of the hands of the cops,
then you wouldn't need to be called for every little thing and immediately escalate every situation
to the point of violence, and less people and animals would be harmed, traumatized, and/or killed
as a result! And maybe stop calling the cops on children of color who are misbehaving in class!

Tina: Again, I saw that that situation was bullshit, scolded the teacher for wasting police time, and
fucking left!

Newt: Only because you've gone middle head!

Tina: *stops in her tracks* ...Explain that to me like I'm five.

Newt: Okay, do you know what a runespoor is.

Tina: I do, yes, and did you manage to take that engorgement charm off of your second one yet.

Newt: I did not. But the middle head of the runespoor is the visionary. Now every wizard cop in
Europe wants Credence dead, except you – you've gone middle head.

Tina: *crosses her arms* ...I do believe you made that up.

Newt: I...huh.

Tina: *looks up* Fuck, lethifolds.

Newt: OH FUCK YES LET'S GO – oh. They're just drapes.

Tina: How extra is this motherfucker.

Black drapes: *are covering the buildings*

Ginger witch: Are magical people the only ones who see this?

Newt: So it would seem.

Tina: *stands in the middle of the road*

Newt: I believe you to be quite stupid indeed.

Tina: Then why are you joining me.

Newt: I'm sorry, when did I ever imply that I was intelligent.

Tina: Ha HA but seriously this is some Grindelwald bullshit. Like, how's he even doing this?

Newt: Elder wand.

Tina: The entire city though?

Newt: Apparently!

Black drapes: *are descending from the sky and move to cover what looks like every building in
Paris*

Some dude in a cafe: Le fuck?

Queenie: I appear to be staring intently at one of these drapes in particular. Wait, what's that thing?

A pale image of a bird: *exists*

Queenie: *pokes it*

Bird: *glows white*

Queenie: ...So we're looking for some kind of dove, got it.

Tina: Yeah so the villain has come for his latest and what he thinks might be his greatest minion if
he hasn't got hold of them already. Also the drapes are already receding, the hell, what if someone
he wanted to see the message was in the john or something, at least make them stick around for
longer than, what, less than a minute, come on.

Newt: Hang on, I've got a cunning plan. *starts walking*

Tina: *keeps pace* ...Care to elaborate?

Newt: So the French Ministry, right—

Tina: I somehow doubt Credence would go there, or even know how to get there.

Newt: I'm not talking about them, I'm talking about us. There's something we need to get there. A
box that can once and for all disprove all the shit that everyone's been saying about them.

Tina: ...Again, care to elaborate!?

Newt: Tina if I actually gave a shit about explaining things to you I'd've taken less than five
seconds to explain that Leta's engaged to not me.

Tina: Good point. *follows after him*

~CAN YOU TELL THAT I AM ANNOYED BECAUSE I AM ANNOYED.~

Credence: *is cooing to a little injured bird they found that was in an earlier scene but that had
been deleted so this is really the first time most people are seeing them* See, I found a hurt bird
that I'm trying to take care of, Newt had a hurt bird that he'd taken care of...This could so easily
have been translated into some found family shit where Newt takes me in and looks after me and
becomes something like an older brother to me as we both bond over helping hurt animals and he
just gently guides me through not being used and abused. That's what I expected at the end of the
first movie before I was seemingly murdered by all those fucking pigs, and that's also what I
expected when I found out that I was inexplicably still in these. But noooo, suddenly blood
relations are so important when they NEVER HAVE BEEN BEFORE. Unless JKR's so unaware of
the themes of her own writing that she never actually realized that the main series was taken to be
about found family the whole time, which honestly seems more and more likely since it was so
easy for her to forget what else she'd written about... *gives a baby bird some birdseed and sighs*
Remember when this whole franchise used to be about accepting people not for what they were
born as but who they grow to be? Pepperidge Farm remembers.

Nagini: WANNA HAVE THE WORST NEWS YOU'VE HEARD IN A WHILE!?

Credence: ...No?

Nagini: Well tough, now come outside with me.

Credence: Do I at least get a warning about what you're about to show me?

Nagini: That would require giving me more lines.

Credence: Shit, you're right, we can't have that.

Grindelwald: *is lounging on the roof* Surprise, bitch. Bet you thought you'd seen the last of me.
Also why am I shushing you right now, it's not like you can call for help. Everyone wants you
dead, after all.

Credence: Great, making me feel trapped and as if talking to him is the only possible course of
action. Good to see that nothing's changed. Also I just noticed that the Eiffel Tower is right there,
what the fuck.

Grindelwald: DID YOU KNOW THAT WE'RE IN PARIS 'CAUSE WE'RE IN PARIS.

Credence: We are indeed. Now then: You're in my life. Please leave.

Nagini: Please get out. I'm not a fan of you.

Grindelwald: You will speak when given lines and never otherwise. Do you understand.

Nagini: *friendly reminder that she's going to kill and then somehow pretend to be this man's great
aunt one day* ...Well he's a delight.

Credence: Ain't he just?

Grindelwald: Look, all I want for you is everything I never had.

Credence: ...You never had an identity crisis based on biological relatives and weren't born to
magic where you got access to it every day of your life?

Grindelwald: ...I mean I did have those things, yes—

Credence: Then what the absolute fuck are you talking about.

Grindelwald: I'm trying to get you on my side by using manipulative language that will end up
swaying you, just work with me here, you must be desperate enough for something that I can make
seem like only I can help you with!

Credence: ...Do you in fact know who my biological relatives are?

Grindelwald: I do, actually, yes. But I assume that me telling you won't be enough and you'll want
some proof.

Credence: I mean, as you semi-mentioned, I am in fact so desperate for answers that I'll probably
believe anything that anyone will tell me at this point just for the sake of some kind of closure, but
sure, proof works. Proof that I will very much suddenly not need in the slightest by the actual false
reveal at the end of the movie.

Grindelwald: *steeples his fingers together* Excellent. Definitely makes my job easier. *stands
and pulls out a map* This is an address to where basically a magical birth certificate of sorts will
be found. Yes it has an M on it.

Credence: Of course it does...

Grindelwald: So, said magical birth certificate might actually be in its desired location by now,
but I got a thing happening later and I want to make sure everything's set up so are you cool with
waiting until tonight?

Credence: *sighs* Fine.

Grindelwald: Cool. Hey, did you see those black drapes earlier?

Credence: Yeah, what was with the doves, what was that about?

Grindelwald: Wha—Those were clearly ravens!

Credence: Then why were they white.

Grindelwald: Oh my god, Credence, you can't just ask why bird iconography is white!
*wandlessly floats the map over to Credence* And it was meant to be a subtle hint for everyone to
come to Père Lachaise tonight at an unspecific time; you might want to show up earlier.

Credence: *grabs the map* That is so unhelpfully unspecific, how can you do anything without
setting an exact time for shit to happen or being more detailed about the location—

Grindelwald: DISAPPARATE!

Credence and Nagini: *shield their eyes* Ah, magic!

Credence: *looks at the map* ...Think we're supposed to go where that giant image of a bird is?

Nagini: Probably. Think either of us should attempt to disguise ourselves more than not at all?

Credence: What did you have in mind?

Nagini: Steal a couple of jackets or blankets, at least, I am so cold in this – or change my dress
entirely, I kind of stand out—

Credence: I think the idea is that if everyone has their eyes on you then no one's looking at me?

Nagini: Or I'm trapped in the clothes that I was forced to perform in front of others against my will
and does nothing but continue to overly sexualize me for the entire length of the movie and I just
continue to be uncomfortable with every aspect about my character.

Credence: Oh stop your whining, you're being hysterical.

Nagini: ...Yeah I can already see that Grindelwald's been a great influence on you.

Credence: I know, isn't he awesome?

Nagini: *eye twitch* Next time I see him I'm gonna turn into a snake and fucking shit in his
mouth.

Credence: I mean, I don't think too fondly of him, but there's...there's a gulf between that and
shitting in mouths.

Nagini: Is there?

~Why do we keep cutting back to those chucklefucks.~

Yusuf: *is still barely conscious* Father...the fuck were you thinking...I was a child, you could've
done it yourself...horrible parent...Why am I hallucinating in English...

Jacob: *is asleep with a book on his chest* Of course it was a date rape spell... *jolts awake and to
his feet* OF COURSE IT WAS A DATE RAPE SPELL! *looks around* ...Oh, right, that was six
chapters ago. And now the one fat character in the movie has to have a zoom in on his stomach
growling because no thin character ever has to eat food. Typical...

Flamel: HI, EVERYBODY!

Jacob: ...How can my old man possibly be this alive.

Flamel: And I actually don't need to eat so food just seems like a waste, especially when we so
rarely have visitors.

Jacob: ...Could you not keep it fresh with magic?

Flamel: Evidently no!

Jacob: Huh. Also are you a ghost, those exist, right?

Flamel: They do, yes, but your kind cannot see them. Then again I have no idea whether or not
you're magical, as you dress the same as most magical people do these days. Ah, the days when
everyone actually wore robes and looked the part... *walks forward* But I am not a ghost, no, I am
just so incredibly old and like to wear lighter colors.

Jacob: Got it.

Flamel: ...And I do mean really old. I'm an alchemist, you see, so I'm immortal.

Jacob: ...Bunch of the alchemists died in Fullmetal. Which I should reread at some point, thanks
for reminding me.

Flamel: Ah, but did any of those alchemists actually succeed in creating the Philosopher's Stone?

Jacob: ...Yes. Yes they did. At horrendous immoral cost with a wealth of horrific consequences.

Flamel: Well hopefully my methods were different.

Jacob: Indeed. And sorry for a bunch of us barging in at once with no notice.
Flamel: Eh, Dumbledore gave me a heads up that this might happen, it's fine.

Jacob: Then why no food.

Flamel: Apart from all of the wondrous French cuisine to be found all around you? I don't need to
eat and therefore forgot other people do!

Jacob: Understandable, but I don't eat French food that's not cooked by rats.

Flamel: A perfectly reasonable stance. *holds out his hand* Nicolas Flamel.

Jacob: Jacob Kowalski. *shakes his hand*

Flamel: THE JOKE IS THAT I AM INCREDIBLY BRITTLE AND OLD!

Jacob: Yeah, probably as old as this joke will instantly become the longer this scene drags on.

Flamel: WATCH ME GET OUT OF BREATH JUST BY WALKING ACROSS THE ROOM!

Jacob: Yep, pretty much done with this entire concept already.

Flamel: *leads him over to a crystal ball* So apparently I'm into divination as well as alchemy. No
idea why Albus continues to hang out with me, he hates this shit. Probably 'cause his ex was a seer,
but, what can you do, it's exposition.

Jacob: Yeah. I've seen one of these before. It was at the fair. There was this dame there, and she
had a veil, and I gave her a nickel...Do you think that was an actual witch or just someone who
knows how to swindle folks out of money with people reading and showmanship?

Flamel: No reason it couldn't have been both!

Jacob: That's true. Well, she told me that a popular fictional author who once had the Gandalf
character say “Pity the living and, above all, those who live without love” would one day turn
around and take a minuscule group of people for whom it's hard enough just to be understood and
accepted by their peers let alone medical professionals only to be met by promises of exclusion and
violence and murder that often lead to suicidality, and then use her gargantuan and trusted platform
to paraphrase Trump's “They're rapists, and some I assume are good people” which paints a target
on the entire group of people's backs, and when she's confronted on it she doubles down and calls
every single one of them “violent, duplicitous rapists”, with the only reason she's not joining in on
the groomer discourse is that she's focusing on hypothetical adult victims as well. Well, she's
supposed to say that about a third of this marginalized group, anyway, the second third is
apparently too autistic to know any better and the final third isn't a thing. But I didn't believe any of
that for a second, I believe that people actually practice what they preach and going all in on
bigotry after you've spent your entire literary career denouncing it just seems stupid to me.

Flamel: Yeah no that sounds quite far-fetched.

Credence and Nagini: *appear in the crystal ball*

Jacob: ...What the actual fuck, I'm a No-Maj, I ain't supposed to be able to see this shit!

Flamel: You have to be able to if you want to move the plot forward.

Jacob: What I'm interested in is more of a subplot, if it involves Credence then somehow that's the
main plot.

Flamel: I mean if you want to be cruel about it that woman next to them is technically a Fantastic
Beast™ herself—

Jacob: Not the woman I'm looking for or the topic I'm interested in. Nor is this bird thing.

Flamel: Barely even looks like the emblem on those drapes, it's just a bird with its wings
outstretched, how is absolutely everyone supposed to immediately identify that as a raven or know
what it means, I know we're insulated but is everyone instructed to memorize every family crest or
what.

Queenie: HELLO I AM HERE NOW. *appears in the crystal ball*

Jacob: NOW THIS IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! Sorry for thinking that this was used for
communication for a hot sec, I got excited. Now do you know every location in Paris and can
instantly tell me where this is?

Flamel: Somehow yes. This is the Lestrange tomb in the Père Lechaise cemetery.

Jacob: Can you give me any more specific directions on how to get there from here, 'cause I have
no idea where anything is and I doubt many other people here speak English or would be willing to
help an obvious 'Murican.

Flamel: I mean it's not post 9/11 so they might. Maybe. Honestly the rest of the world were
probably always annoyed with Americans.

Jacob: And who could blame them. So can you help me?

Flamel: I could but I won't, my hand still hurts.

Jacob: That is more than fair. Queenie, stay where you are, I'm coming for ya!

Flamel: She can't hear you—

Jacob: I am aware! And just for that I'm shaking your hand again!

Flamel: Prick!

Jacob: *grabs his jacket* Hey can you look after the unconscious man who...is no longer
unconscious and is in fact gone?

Flamel: ...No I don't think I will.

Jacob: Welp, can't worry about that now! *leaves*

Flamel: Stop, don't, come back.

Crystal ball: *shows Grindelwald conjuring something bright in front of a crowd, Newt along
with Jacob and Queenie being in that crowd, and Grindelwald doing some more spell shit*

Flamel: ...This does not bode well. *goes over to a cabinet and opens it*

Philosopher's Stone: HEY I'M RIGHT HERE DID YOU SEE ME DID YOU SEE ME HERE I
AM I'M THAT THING FROM THE OTHER THING IT'S A CALLBACK DO YOU GET IT ARE
YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!?

Flamel: *ignores the stone and grabs a book* THE JOKE IS THAT I'M TOO OLD TO LIFT THE
BOOK DO YOU GET IT DO YOU GET THE JOKE. *eventually gets the book up onto a table,
pokes it, and flips through what is actually a photo album until he reaches the page of a young
professor named Eulalie Hicks who is a young American professor at Ilvermorny which we would
only know from reading the script* Also apparently we had access to the type of magical
technology that would allow us to instantly get in contact with another person this entire fucking
time. It's almost as if we didn't always have to rely on sticking our heads into literal fires or nature's
slowest bird to communicate this whole fucking time. Seriously, this and two-way mirrors should
be way more mainstream, what the actual shit is wrong with us.

Lally: No idea but check it out, I get a quick little cameo before my much expanded role in the
next and final movie! And I don't have my incredibly annoying accent yet, hooray!

Flamel: Good for you, the rally's happening tonight. At a cemetery because of course it is.

Lally: That extra motherfucker. Also how the fuck are we using photographs to communicate, I
thought that was a portrait-only thing.

Flamel: I'm over 600 years old, I'm sure I've thought of something. And yeah, there's no way
someone isn't dying tonight.

Lally: How many people of color will be there.

Flamel: Three entire named ones, two of which are darker-skinned.

Lally: Fuck, you know it's gonna be one of them.

Flamel: The odds be ever not in their favor, no.

Lally: ...You gotta do me a solid here.

Flamel: Oh come on! I've been sitting on that couch for 200 years, I'm in no condition to do shit!

Lally: Dude, you totally got this! Just believe in the me that believes in you!

Flamel: The advice you've given me doesn't work very well considering I have no balls.

Lally: I implore you to reconsider.

Flamel: Hmm. Okay!

~...Hey where's Perenelle? You know, Nicolas's wife? Nope, wait, forgot, she's a woman and
therefore unimportant, sorry, answered my own question.~
LOOK IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO EXPLAIN A FAMILY DYNAMIC I'M
NOT GONNA BE INVESTED
Chapter Notes

...It's chess. It's fucking chess. What the actual fuck is going on: Super Best
Friends Play, Castle Super Beast, Team America World Police, PatStaresAt, The
Princess Bride, Naruto: The Abridged Comedy Fandub Spoof Series Show, Final
Fantasy VIII, Full Metal Jacket, Macbeth, The Lord of the Rings, Dragon Ball Z
Abridged, Doctor Who, Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, Star Wars Episode II:
Attack of the Clones, Kingdom Hearts II, Pokémon, Guardians of the Galaxy, and
anything under the Harry Potter umbrella.

~I honestly thought that this section happened like way earlier in the movie.~

Roots: *form that elevator cage thing again*

Newt and Tina: *are in an alcove*

Newt: Wonder how it knows to just instantly form like that, there really don't seem to be any
security measures to it whatsoever. *pulls something out of his coat* So what we're looking for is
in the Ancestral Records room, which I somehow already know is three floors down. And then if
that doesn't work, it's time to just give up. Like heroes.

Tina: Of course you'd have polyjuice on hand. Which one are you using?

Newt: Uh, Some Version? The ten-minute one probably, considering. *downs it and, very visibly
to anyone who would've just casually glanced over to that alcove as they're still pretty much out in
the open, turns into Theseus...Thenewt, Neseus, sure Neseus, why not, I'm barely holding on here*

Tina: ...Whomst.

Neseus: My brother, Theseus.

Tina: Damn, back to dubbing over your voice even though you're using his vocal chords, I hate
this trope, Golden Wind handled it so much fucking better—GRINDELWALD handled it so much
fucking better!

Neseus: Mm. Anyway, Theseus is a bastard.

Tina: Sibling rivalry, got it.

Neseus: Well, that, and he's also a wizard cop.

Tina: Are we gonna have this argument again!?

Neseus: Probably for the rest of our lives, yes. *beat* Also he's a hugger.
Tina: Is he actually a hugger or was he just trying to warn you that one time.

Neseus: It's not a hundred percent clear.

Tina: Well have you ever communicated to him that you don't like hugs, 'cause if he ignored you
and continued to disrespect and deliberately cross your personal boundaries then I can easily see
how resentment can fester.

Neseus: I'd tell you but I don't actually know, really nothing is known about my relationship with
him other than he's a cop and I don't like him. Which, since he's a cop, that's more than enough
reason not to like him.

Tina: I'd get pissed at you again because my own job and sense of identity based on that job is
more important to me than my colleagues being actual murderers as you've pointed out and as I too
had witnessed. However, I just took a look at the script and it says that there were a few of
Theseus's hairs on your shoulder which is how you were able to do this, which is a concept so
stupid, I can't believe I said it out loud. Like, you have so many animals in your care and the zouwu
is also a hairy fucker that you were just playing around with; we could've had a whole Catgirl
Hermione wacky high jinks situation on our hands again and we just didn't for some reason.

Neseus: Maybe we would've had time in a novel but this is a film and needs to be sped up
considerably. As should we right now because who knows how many precious minutes we just
wasted.

~Oh no, Theseus is already in the French ministry with a whole bunch of people who could easily
recognize him, how could this possibly go wrong and why the fuck don't I care.~

Theseus: *walks up to Leta* I'm gonna ruin your life. Get ready.

Leta: Sure but first what's going on and why am I wearing this stupid hat.

Theseus: Well the hat is because I have a fetish for women in tiny hats – do you have a smaller
one, actually?

Leta: Not on me but I can shrink this one if you like.

Theseus: ...Not now, not while we're working.

Leta: Yeah, should we be working together like this? What's the auror office's HR department's
stance on this?

Theseus: Like the British ministry has any kind of functioning HR department.

Leta: Good point.

Theseus: Also Grindelwald's rally's happening tonight apparently. All anyone mentioned was some
bird iconography which could mean anything, so who knows where it'll be held. Or the precise
time of when, actually, “tonight” really isn't specific enough.

Leta: Hold up, we need at least one of the attractive heterosexual couples to make out in this.
*makes out with him* Also don't fuck up and die. I will be really mad if you fuck up and die.

Theseus: I promise. I will never die.

Leta: Brilliant.

Theseus: ...Also you should know that literally everyone thinks that Credence is your missing
sibling.

Leta: Oh good, even more trauma. Why did I even come here.

Theseus: So you can grab your magic family tree and prove to them that your actual sibling is
quite dead.

Leta: But why do I have to do it, can't I give someone else permission or something!?

Theseus: You probably could, actually, but everyone thinks it'd be best if you got it. That's why
you're here.

Leta: I hate everything.

Theseus: As well you should.

Travers: Theseus, stop making our with your colleague on the clock, I will be filing a complaint
with HR.

Theseus: Told you we had one.

Leta: You specifically said we didn't, actually.

Theseus: Oh would you stop being so hysterical. *walks off with Travers*

Travers: I'm just thinking how that woman has a countdown on her life.

Theseus: That's a stat from your ass!

Travers: Keep telling yourself that. Anyway, I want every person in that rally arrested. If they
resist—

Theseus: Sir, forgive me, but if part of Grindelwald's message turns out to be that we wizard cops
use murder to uphold the status quo, and we go in there and start murdering the fuck out of
everyone, that will give everyone justifiable reason to want to side more with him because we'll be
seen as the enemy. We can't go to a rally that's protesting police brutality and then enact police
brutality, we'll just be proving everyone right!

Travers: Well if everyone complies there shouldn't be a problem. And it's honestly about time that
the police bothered to make supremacists pay for the consequences of their actions.

Theseus: I'd find a way to argue against that if I weren't so heavily distracted by the image of
myself walking into the Ministry dressed as my brother. Cool if I handle this?

Travers: Fine, but be sure to conveniently do it in a part of the ministry where barely anyone
works so as to minimize literally anyone giving a shit.

Theseus: You got it. *stares over the balcony at Tina and Neseus walking in*

Tina and Neseus: ...Well this didn't work for shit, did it.
Theseus: It did not, no.

Tina and Neseus: *walk briskly over to another room*

Neseus: So according to the film version of OotP, you could apparate and disapparate around the
department of mysteries on a whim. And since we're in the film universe here, is it logical to
assume that we could also teleport in and out of a government location at will with no issues?

Tina: That would indeed be logical but you can't so don't try.

Neseus: Got it. Aaaand the potion wore off, great.

Alarm: Oh, bien sûr, MAINTENANT, nous pouvons suivre les sorciers recherchés. Quoi qu'il en
soit, faites attention à cet homme, je suppose qu'il a rompu sa libération conditionnelle une fois ou
peu importe.

Newt: Why is there even a wanted poster of me, I'm really not that important. As evidenced by me
getting progressively less important as this series drags on.

Tina: I mean right now you're trying to save the one person that literally every magical
government wants dead, so that could be a huge part of it.

Theseus: *rounds the corner* Newt! Seriously, why is this corner deserted, is everyone else in the
atrium!? And how come I'm literally the only one bothering to come after you after a fucking
alarm went off!?

Newt: Yes that is quite odd, isn't it? *starts running with Tina*

Tina: Why am I surprised that that's your brother, you looked just like him five seconds ago.

Newt: So I think I may have mentioned in my letters that we have quite a complicated relationship
—

Tina: Which was never specified unless it was but it doesn't count because it was never onscreen.
And the two of you will have made up by the end of the film so we'll truly never know what the
fuck your actual beef with him was.

Newt: Then let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up: Theseus is really bad because
Theseus is not good.

Theseus: DUDE I TOLD YOU NOT TO LEAVE THE FUCKING COUNTRY WHAT THE
HELL.

Newt: Hang on, maybe this nonexistent flashback will clear everything up for you.

Past Theseus: Hey, Newt. I bought you a puppy.

Past Newt: Yaaaaaaaaaay.

Past Theseus: And then I killed it.

Past Newt: Noooooooooooo—

Present Newt: Curse you, Newt's brother. I shall get you back. Somehow.
Tina: Yeah even if we got that little bit of context or something akin to it I'd understand what the
fuck your problem with him was. Like, does he want to kill you, or—!?

Newt: Apparently frequently! Which I genuinely don't know if I mean that some siblings have that
weird thing where they fucking hate each other while also loving each other or if I mean that he is
actually guilty of multiple counts of attempted murder against my person.

Newt and Tina: *run in between two very old people pushing carts, one empty and one piled
ridiculously high with boxes*

Theseus: HAVE YOU DONE YOUR PIECE, CRAZY MAN!? *throws a spell that I think was
meant to knock the boxes into them, which very well might have grievously injured them*

Tina and Newt: *stops the boxes in midair with magic*

Theseus: …

Tina and Newt: …

Theseus: …

Tina and Newt: …

Theseus: …

Tina and Newt: …

Theseus: …

Tina and Newt: …

Squall: Ellipsis.

Theseus: *lowers his wand for some fucking reason*

Tina: ...The actual hell did he do that for. Just give me some sort—doesn't have to be a good story
reason but that's all I need. Give me a bad story reason why he lowered his wand right when he
fucking had us.

Theseus: Iunno, it was two on one and I'm fucking tired?

Tina: ...You know what, I don't actually care. *waves her wand at him*

Theseus: *is blown back into an office swivel chair that suddenly exists behind him where his
hands are tied behind his back and he's sent rolling backward into a nearby office, where I think the
doors close on him, I can't really tell, the camera cuts back to Newt and Tina and we just hear a
loud bang, no idea what happened*

Newt: *is wearing a big shit-eating grin* I think that might've been the best moment of my life.

Tina: Why.

Newt: Hmm?
Tina: The two of you may have had a fraught relationship in the past, but all we've seen from
Theseus here is him doing nothing but be cordial to you and you just hating him for some unknown
reason. And him being a wizard cop but that's it. Now that can be enough justification, especially
for someone with your beliefs, but you keep making it seem like it's so much deeper than that. And
sure, someone can put on different performances for different people in their lives. Hell, people
could have been horrendous bullies in the past and, no matter how they try to improve their lives
after the fact, their victims don't have to forgive them. But we don't know if any of this is the case
because the language of cinema doesn't allow for a couple of paragraphs of exposition. Not unless
they're spoken out loud, anyway, which I have very much noticed you are not doing when it comes
to the relationship between you and your brother. So what is your major malfunction.

Newt: We can only guess. We will never know. And hey, it's a prime blank spot for fanfic writers
to have fun in.

Tina: Those that are left...

Newt: The fuck're you talking about, shitzillion updates are still being posted daily.

Tina: I meant fans of this series, not the main one. Especially after this movie came out.

Newt: Oh. Well they do in fact still exist, so.

Tina: Yeah. How.

Newt: Dude I was bending over backwards to justify my continued passion for the main series
after HBP came out. Trust me, people are insane about their comfort fandoms. *magics the boxes
back on one of the carts and runs out of the room with Tina*

~...SUDDEN CUT TO THE LESTRANGE TOMB, I GUESS.~

Convicted sex offender Kevin Guthree I mean Abernathy and also MacDuff: *enter the tomb*

MacDuff: Ugh, why does the statue of what appears to be Leta's dead father – who I didn't even
know was dead until I looked at the script – have to be naked except for a stone blanket barely
covering his junk. I was fine with it back when I thought it was just some random Lestrange, but as
it turns out I'm not too big a fan of barely clothed depictions of rapists.

Abernathy: I don't see a problem.

MacDuff: You wouldn't.

Abernathy: *takes out the box he'd stolen from the French ministry earlier and puts it on one of
the nearby coffins*

MacDuff: ...So we're just gonna leave now, I guess...

Abernathy: *cheeky grin* Lay on, MacDuff!

MacDuff: *punches him in the throat* Be silent! Keep your forked tongue behind your teeth!

~And yet the original scene had no dialogue whatsoever, confirming that Abernathy doesn't
actually say shit after getting his new tongue.~

Jacob: *is walking around the cemetery* Really good thing no one else is here yet. Downside is it
means Queenie isn't here yet either unless she already is and I just can't see shit.

Angel statue: *exists*

Jacob: Heh, I remember when I used to just, y'know, not blink around these things. Aaaand then I
kind of fell off of that fandom as well, it's been happening to a lot of shit I used to consume lately
and only some of them have been because they became too problematic. *heads into the
mausoleum proper* Hey, it's some kind of bird statue thing! There was a bird image thing in that
crystal ball that I shouldn't have been able to see into as I do not possess magical powers! Sure
hope those two randos who were literally just there are gone – oh they are, great. Now where the
fuck is Queenie.

Yusuf: *points his wand at Jacob's head* I do not know who this Queenie is, but she sounds like
she'd happily join the Nazi party for arbitrary reasons.

Jacob: I hate that you're right.

~I legit forgot that Yusuf was even in this movie. Making your characters so unmemorable that
they're only good for surprise entrances like this doesn't exactly make for good writing.~

This section of the French ministry: *is really dark for some reason*

Old woman who you'd only know from the script even has a name, which is Melusine: *is
staring creepily ahead of her*

Tina and Newt: *approach the desk*

Melusine: Qu'est-ce que tu veux putain?

Newt: To know why it's so dark in here when the rest of the Ministry's actually quite well-lit.

Melusine: I have photophobia, plus I like the ambiance.

Newt: Ah. So, uh...Didn't think I'd get this far...Um, this is Leta Lestrange.

Tina: U wot m8?

Melusine: ...With as insular as our community is supposed to be, I actually think it'd be well-
known that Leta is, in fact, mixed.

Tina: I got Michael Jackson'd.

Melusine: *narrows her eyes* In what regard.

Tina: Hang on, I actually have to look it up 'cause I do not in fact know...Oh, vitiligo. Yeah that.

Melusine: Uh-huh, and you?

Newt: I'm just here for moral suppo—

Tina: He's my fiancé.

Newt: Huh boy.

Melusine: Oh yeah, I've seen the tabloids, that tracks.

Newt: Why didn't Theseus ask for a retraction, the UK has some decently strong libel laws that can
easily be weaponized against users of Twitter accounts with less than a hundred followers.

Tina: You mean X accounts.

Newt: No I the fuck don't.

Tina: Damn right. *high-fives him* But yeah, Theseus probably didn't do that because it was an
American magazine, which is why CNN and the Onion can continue to point out JKR's
transphobia but the BBC can't.

Newt: Ah.

Melusine: At any rate, I don't get paid enough to care, so go on ahead.

Tina and Newt: I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT WORKED I mean thank you. *go on through*

Melusine: Pourquoi tout le monde regarde la caméra dans ce film?

Tina and Newt: *take an annoyingly long time to step through the iron doors*

Newt: So I probably should've mentioned earlier now that it's been brought up—

Tina: Mr. Scamander. If you wanted to date both me and Leta at the same time, then you should
have communicated that to me. I'm monogamous and would have preferred that you be as well, but
maybe we could have worked something out. As it is, this very much seems like you flat-out
cheated on me, or were cheating on Leta with me, and I cannot abide that.

Newt: If you'd just let me explain—

Tina: Lumos. *lights up the archives* Also can we make fun of Hermione real quick, 'cause the
whole “[Slytherin] lived a thousand years ago; for all we know [Harry] could be [his heir]”
completely falls apart the instant you learn that at least one faction of magical government holds
ancestral fucking archives detailing people's bloodlines.

Newt: To be fair she was only just beginning her second year of knowing that magic existed,
though I do love the idea of Harry physically dragging her to one of these locations later in life and
just pointing and laughing in her face about it.

Tina: Yeah but couldn't Ron have said something, since he knows all about Ministry shit?

Newt: I was just thinking that, yes.

Tina: Aaaaand I guess lumos can now be used to float a tiny ball of light toward whatever you're
looking for, which in this case would be the Lestrange archive in particular. Just tracking spells
upon tracking spells being introduced in this film. How incompetent did absolutely everyone have
to be for Credence/Grindelwald/Sirius/Voldemort/literally any Death Eater to never be found at
this point. *starts walking forward, following the ball of light*

Newt: So if I could talk for a moment—

Tina: You know what I'm sick of in media? Starting off explanations by saying shit like that.
'Cause you're not getting to the actual meat of what you want to say and it keeps giving the other
person all the time in the world to talk over you and never let you get an actual word in edgewise.
Like I'm doing to you right now. Like, instead of Superman floating dramatically in the sky for a
full fifteen seconds, then landing just as dramatically while letting Batman get a line in, then
saying “Bruce, please, I was wrong, you have to listen to me—” and then the fight happens, just
have him say “BRUCE LUTHOR HAS MY MOM CAN WE NOT DO THIS” while still up in the
fucking air out of range and then maybe the entire fight wouldn't have happened. All this does is
artificially drag out the length of the movie or whatever and to lazily crank up drama for the sake
of drama, and I for one am very much not a fan of it.

Newt: Good, me neither. So we're gonna stop so I can actually try to get the fucking words out.
*stops, and Tina stops too* ...So I'm still bad at talking in general so this'll still take far longer than
it should but we are ending this misunderstanding bullshit now.

Tina: That'd honestly be nice, I was getting real sick of it.

Newt: Hang on, dropped my wand at some point. *picks it back up* ...So hear you have a new
boyfriend yourself now.

Tina: Yeah, it's become a real headache for HR.

Newt: I imagine. And if you still like him more than me, that's fine, all I want is for you to be
happy, and if that's not with me then I'll find some way to move on myself.

Tina: Which you clearly already have—

Newt: No I haven't because I'm not engaged to Leta. The magazine fucked it up and got the wrong
brother. She's marrying Theseus, not me. I'm not even sure whether or not we were anything
beyond friends who were just drawn together by virtue of being the unpopular kids and were
hanging out for the sake of survival. *beat* Also you know how I violently hate my brother for
unclear reasons? I'm still somehow my brother's best man, when I should be man of honor at most
since I do still consider Leta my friend and it'd make way more sense to be on the bride's side, but
that's now how traditional cishet weddings work and fuck everything...

Tina: So is Theseus pissy with you because he thinks you do in fact want to be with Leta and are
trying to break them up?

Newt: No, he's pissy with me because I broke parole and he's a fucking pig. And I've already tried
to break them up for the sake of Leta not marrying a fucking pig but then she became a fucking pig
so I stopped trying.

Tina: *snorts*

Newt: ...You know, your eyes really are...

Tina: ...Are what?

Newt: I'm not supposed to say.

Tina: Why not?

Newt: Because it's about as romantic-sounding as Anakin telling Padme about sand.
Tina: Well you know what? I don't like sand. It is coarse, it is rough, it is irritating, and it does get
everywhere. So if it were something like that, that would still be something we could bond over.

Newt: ...So the picture of you that was in my trunk is actually in my pocket now and—

Tina: So I got that copy of your book that you sent me and—

Newt: Shit, you actually read it?

Tina: The hell did you get a picture of me?

Newt: One of the newspapers, probably the Ghost. *takes it out and shows it to her* ...You know,
even a magical photo doesn't do you justice.

Tina: You smooth motherfucker! That was totally romantic, what're you talking about!?

Newt: The follow-up. It's especially evident in the eyes, 'cause...See, in reality they have this effect
in them, Tina. It's like...It's like you're always on the verge of tears, like, literally every second of
every day.

Tina: Hell yeah! Strong independent woman who desperately needs a man because that's why I
was created! Also retroactively I have reason to cry as I'm a staunch trans ally and these are being
written and controlled by a terf but WB movie contracts are a fucking bitch to get out of. Also
money, even actors still need food and a roof.

Newt: Granted, and I'm glad people are realizing that now. But even with them being constantly
watery, the way they reflect light...It's like fire in dark water.

Tina: Oooh, poetic.

Newt: Yeah, I probably should've explained that to Jacob, since he really didn't want me to tell you
about...O-kay, I guess I can give you a hint. Starts with an “S”!

Tina: OH! OH! SALAMANDERS!

Newt: Yeah, I was gonna not say it, and then I decided to say it.

Tina: Well I'd gush over how romantic that I did in fact find it, but I just heard something so we
gotta go.

Newt: Okay but are we good now?

Tina: Oh obviously!

Newt: So will you break up with your new boyfriend or are you gonna be the polyamorous one
now?

Tina: Yeah the movie versions are weird about the female love interest breaking up with their
previous romantic partners before finally getting with the male lead, 'cause Ginny never broke up
with Dean in the movie version of HBP.

Newt: That's not a very clarifying answer.

Tina: Boy isn't it!

Newt: Huh boy... *hides behind a shelf thing with her*

Leta: *enters via the second level* How the hell did I get in, there's no way that that woman hasn't
called security. Also I sure wish that my fiancé or at least my old bestie were around to give me
moral support right about now. Ahem: Lestrange.

All of the shelves: *rise up and start shifting around*

Tina and Newt: *are now trying desperately not to get crushed*

Melusine: ...Vous savez quoi? Je pense qu'il est temps de s'amuser un peu. C'est tellemet ennuyeux
par ici...Cela semble être la seule raison pour laquelle cela se produit.

Tina and Newt: *are nearly flattened by a shelf thing and grab onto it so they won't be*

Leta: *approaches the balcony*

Every single shelf: *moves around in circles until the only one she actually needed moves toward
her*

Leta: Seems a little elaborate but this is a film so I suppose I understand the need to go a little
overboard.

Tina and Newt: ...Of course she'd need the shelf that we're hiding behind, how utterly narratively
convenient...

Leta: ...Where the fuck is my box thing.

Envelope: *is in place of her box thing*

Leta: *takes the envelope and opens it* “Gary was here, Ash is a loser”?

Newt: *tries his damnedest not to snort*

Leta: And my shit's been moved to my family tomb, great...

Tina: *whispering* Did she just read that out loud so that we would hear it and know where to go
next?

Newt: Possibly, or it could be that she's just one of those people who can't read silently for the life
of them. My mum's like that too, drives me mad.

Leta: ...Well this was severely disappointing and it's nice to know that my trauma does not in fact
end here like I'd hoped. *sees a couple of baby leaves amongst the shelves* Oh hi Pickett.

Pickett: I am Groot? *immediately backtracks*

Leta: Circumrota. Which is an extremely specific spell...

Thing of shelves: *turns around until Tina and Newt are in full view*

Leta: HI NEWT!

Newt: HI LETA! This is hopefully my girlfriend, Tina!

Leta: Aw, cute! Well, mostly cute. Not the best haircut. Sorry.

Tina: I know, but it's the style in New York right now and I live and work there, so...

Leta: Oh no, I totally get it.

Melusine: *enters the area followed by a bunch of very large very thin black cats with glowing
blue eyes and I fucking want one* JE SUIS MENACANT!

Tina: Good for you. Also what the actual fuck.

Newt: Those are matagots. They're spirit familiars.

Tina: ...Thought JKR specifically said that traditional familiars don't exist in HP. Like, there's a
specific blurb on not-Pottermore and everything. Care to elaborate in any way whatsoever?

Newt: Absolutely not, go fuck yourself. But what I will say is that they're completely harmless
unless you attack them first like a complete fucking dumbass—

Leta: STUPEFY!

One of the matagots: *flies backward and suddenly there are three more*

Newt: ...Incompetence is the only way things move forward, I see.

Leta: Yeah that was a bit of a whoopsidoodle.

Newt: Do they teach you lot any deescalation techniques!?

Leta: Of course not, we're fucking cops! *jumps on the shelf with the other two* Reverte!

Shelves: *starts to return to where they were before*

Matagots: *get hit by some of the shelves*

Melusine: Je suis juste ici pour le divertissement. Je sais qu'il n'y aura pas de conséquences.

Leta, Tina, and Newt: WHEN DID WE GET ON THE GROUND. *run from the matagots and
hide behind some shelves*

Matagots: *pace the floor*

Shelves: *sink into the fucking floor for some reason, that's not where they were before, why
would they be reverted to that position*

Newt's case: *is the only thing left on the floor*

Zouwu: *pops out with Newt on her back*

Newt: Accio! *summons the case*

Zouwu's mane: *lights up as she swipes at the matagots and Newt kicks a few more off her back*

Matagots: *are swarming in by the dozen now*

Newt: Ascendio does whatever we say it does! And in this case instead of myself rising into the air
it means that all of the shelves pop back up out of the floor so that the zouwu has something to
jump on!

Zouwu: *can barely keep her balance as all of the cats try to attack her still, and eventually she
gets fed up and jumps onto the balcony, bouncing off of the walls as she tries to evade the
matagots*

One of the matagots: *slices her in the side with their claws*

Zouwu: OW!? *mane continues to glow at random intervals until she finally manages to open up
what looks like a fucking portal into the cemetery, which wouldn't you know it is exactly where
everyone needs to go for the plot to continue. How completely fucking perfect, no notes
whatsoever*

Three matagots that somehow managed to hang onto her mid-jump: *turn into three normal-
ass cats*

Newt: *gets off the zouwu and opens his case*

Zouwu: PAY ATTENTION TO ME!

Newt: Yes ma'am. *snuggles her*

Leta: How am I already out of the case so fast.

Tina: No idea but I'm impressed. *is coming out of the case herself*

Leta: Need a hand?

Tina: Sure, thanks.

Newt: SHE'S SO FUCKING FLUFFY!

Tina: I know and you can play with her later, we got story bullshit to do. *takes out that cat toy
that Newt had earlier*

Zouwu: ...We wants it. We needs it. Must have the precious...

Tina: I know. *shakes it* See, I can pay attention.

Newt: I've never been more in love with you than I am right now.

Tina: *blushes*

~Oh great. That part's next.~

 SEE THIS IS THE BAD NONCON BECAUSE IT WAS DONE BY
SOMEONE WITH A PENIS DON'T YA KNOW.
Chapter Notes

Pardon me while I delete several music playlists from my phone...Oh and most of
the big content warnings apply to this chapter: Castle Super Beast, Naruto: The
Abridged Comedy Fandub Spoof Series Show, Super Best Friends Play, The Simpsons,
Monty Python's The Meaning of Life, Dragon Ball Z Abridged, 50% Off, Family Guy,
None Piece, and anything under the Harry Potter umbrella.

~WHO ELSE HAS BEEN LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS PART. I KNOW I HAVE.~

Leta: *enters the Lestrange tomb* Very much gonna ignore that statue and just grab the box thing
and leave...

Yusuf: I AM THREATENING PEOPLE IN ANOTHER ROOM.

Leta: ...Never mind!

Yusuf: *is pointing his wand at Jacob, Credence, and Nagini, the latter of whom is not a snake at
this moment like the script wanted her to be* I will kill you, too, I don't give a fuck anymore.

Leta: POLICE! DROP IT!

Yusuf: Huh boy. Listen, officer, I— *turns* ...Oh.

Leta: How the fuck do I already know who you are.

JKR: Did I just racism again?

Yusuf: Possibly, or you looked me up at some point, our secret society is rather insular in that we
might actually all know each other, or at least of each other. Also holy shit I just realized that I'm
meeting my baby sister for the first time.

Leta: Yes, and now we must have automatic affection for each other because that is how blood
relations work in 98% of media.

Tina and Newt: *enter behind Leta* ...So we saw Jacob being cornered by you but when and how
did you manage to corner the other two.

Yusuf: It's not a hundred percent clear.

Credence: Uh-huh, and it's cool that the two black characters introduced this movie are somehow
related, what an astounding coincidence and how nice for you, now can we get to my fucking
backstory already, I've been waiting this whole damn film.

Leta: Fuck if I know.

Credence: Look, Credence is a shit name and I wish to be rid of it. Would help if I knew my birth
name so I could, like, actually see if I like that better. Just give me some kind of crappy backstory,
any crappy backstory, so I can die with some amount of closure.

Yusuf: Oh I know the whole damn thing.

Leta: You actually don't—

Yusuf: I actually do.

Jacob: YAAAAY, I LOVE STORIES.

Yusuf: This is the story about how my mother was kidnapped and raped and died in childbirth and
then what happened to her kids after that!

Jacob: ...Yaaaay.

Newt: I hate happy endings. So cliché.

Yusuf: *walks back out into the main room of the tomb* My father's name was Mustafa Kama.

Credence: Is there a short version?

Yusuf: Frankly yes but there's a lot of trauma that I've been holding back for a while and I really
need to unload it so you can at least understand why I in particular am trying to kill you.

Credence: Balls.

Yusuf: Anyway, Father was a pureblood of Senegalese descent and most accomplished.

Credence: The fuck does that have any bearing on the plot.

Nagini: Purebloods like to brag about how supremacist they are.

Yusuf: ...How the fuck can I supremacist.

Nagini: 'Cause this series likes to pretend that we're beyond racism in favor of blood purity, hence
your supremacy.

Yusuf: Then me talking about how my mother Laurena was equally high-bred probably won't
endear you to me.

Nagini: Not particularly, no.

Yusuf: What about if I talk about how beautiful she was, as that is the only trait a woman is worth
having?

Nagini: ...Dude.

Yusuf: We were a picture-perfect family and we all loved each other and nothing bad happened to
this black family in the early 1900s until it very much did. So they knew this white dude, right—

Every white person in the room: Did he fuck everything up?

Yusuf: He may have fucked everything up.

Every white person in the room: That tracks.

Yusuf: So he had the hots for my mum, right? Therefore, he decided to instantly become a
criminal, use the Imperius Curse on my mum, and have her come with him instead of staying with
my family.

Newt: ...So a white man forced a black woman to go with him against her will.

Yusuf: Yep! I tried to stop her going with him – she was wearing a white nightgown at the time, by
the way, so wouldn't you know it it was like she was already in a wedding dress – but I was like
twelve and couldn't do shit. Also he petrified me while kidnapping her, so there was that as well.
Never saw her again.

Tina: So you and your father reported her kidnapping to the French ministry, correct?

Jacob: What were the odds of them being ignored.

Nagini: Because of the Lestrange name being maybe more famous than the Kama name, because
Lestrange maybe continued to use the Imperius Curse on Laurena to say that she was fine and
chose him over Mustafa, or because it was a black man's word against a white man's?

Jacob: Yes.

Yusuf: Well wouldn't you know it, I never mentioned any steps we did or did not take to try and
get her back.

Tina: ...The fuck not.

Newt: JKR is already trying to present commentary that police brutality might in fact be a bad
thing – in that it drives people to join the Nazis which isn't exactly a reflection of reality but the
bones of the argument is there – and this honestly would have been a great opportunity to present
even more commentary on how the police pointedly do not go out of their way to help everyone.
Instead you're telling me that they never even got involved?

Yusuf: Maybe!

Newt: Jesus...Just give me some sort—doesn't have to be a good story reason but that's all I need.
Give me a bad story reason why y'all never went to any kind of authority!

Yusuf: No I think I'll just not do that.

Newt: Fuck's sake...

Flashback: *shows Irma carrying a baby Leta away from Laruena's thin, bloodless dead body that
had presumably just given birth. I means she could've cleaned everything with magic but someone
who's just given birth does not automatically lose their entire stomach the second the baby's out*

Yusuf: She died in childbirth, possibly in the same dress she was initially kidnapped in from the
look of this flashback.

ShieldEcho: Okay I'm gonna bring this up now. I know that a lot of people complained about this
scene being just everyone standing around and spewing exposition at each other, and I get that that
works way better in a book than in a film. I also get that characters should be more than just
vessels for exposition. However, you are talking to a person who would've figuratively killed to see
David Thewlis pacing and rambling for however long the Shrieking Shack scene would have
ended up taking in the PoA adaptation, especially if it included flashbacks. When it came to this
series, I was very much a No Meaning Only Lore type of nerd, so I very much...Well, I minded this
scene quite a bit, obviously, but I didn't mind the concept of it.

Yusuf: Cool, now can I get back to the part where my mother was raped and essentially murdered?

ShieldEcho: Oh hell yeah, g'head.

Leta: Hold up, you are not accusing me of murdering our mother.

Yusuf: Fuck no, that would be the dickest of dick moves, you don't hate someone for just existing
which is literally all you did.

Leta: Okay, phew...

Yusuf: No, I'm calling your father a murderer by proxy for not only inflicting our mother with
forced pregnancy in the first place but for also not taking her to any type of magical hospital that
France may or may not have and forcing her to give birth at home where her chances of dying were
substantially higher. Controversial statement, I know: Childbirth was rough back in the day.

Leta: Unpopular opinion.

Credence: You're telling me...that having babies was tough at some point?

Nagini: I think it's been overblown.

Yusuf: Anyway, the news of my mother's death drove my father insane. Not the kidnapping or the
rape or the forced birth, just the dying part. So only after more than nine months probably had
passed did he set out to take his revenge on the person who stole his property from him. Which I
realize sounds even worse than usual considering we're talking about a black woman but that's how
men in this series continue to seem to treat women so what the fuck do you want from me. Also he
might've died from heartbreak, maybe, but Father did instruct me to take revenge on Lestrange
since he would've been too dead to do it himself.

Newt: Remember when I used to be the main character?

Tina and Jacob: Barely.

Yusuf: He instructed me not to kill Lestrange himself, but to make him feel the same pain that my
father felt by killing the person Lestrange loved most.

Nagini: ...So your father was also a villain, then.

Yusuf: Oh you're just saying that because the revenge should be inflicted on the person that
actually did the bad thing instead of an innocent who didn't do shit.

Nagini: Yes! That's exactly what I'm saying!

Tina: Hard agree. You should've gotten revenge for the kidnapping, rape, and murder of your
mother on the actual person who kidnapped, raped, and murdered your mother!
Yusuf: Yeah but he was on his deathbed and I was like thirteen and about to become an orphan,
so...

Tina: I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at him. You don't have much choice what with that Unbreakable
Vow shit and all.

Yusuf: Yeah well you should be mad at me because I was all set to go out and murder an infant.
'Cept...well...

Leta: Say the line, Yusuf!

Yusuf: Your father didn't give a shit about you because you were not born a penised individual.

Leta: YAAAAAY!

Yusuf: Lestrange remarried barely three months after my mother's death.

Jacob: ...Implying he married your mom in the first place?

Yusuf: I—hmm...

Nagini: Can magical people even get divorced?

Newt: It's not a hundred percent clear.

Credence: So who did he remarry?

Yusuf: It's not important.

Credence: I think it's pretty fucking important!

Yusuf: No, see, both my mother and your presumed mother existed in order to shove out the three
of us and nothing else.

Nagini: ...I'm beginning to think that JKR has a great deal of internalized misogyny that she might
need help working through.

Yusuf: Nah, that doesn't make any sense. NOW HERE'S A FLASHBACK OF LESTRANGE
AND HIS NEW WIFE BEGINNING TO GET UNDRESSED SO THAT THEY MIGHT BREED.

Credence: ...Thanks...

Yusuf: And they had a bouncing baby penised individual that he could finally love because he had
the correct type of genitals.

Lestrange: *cradling baby Corvus and singing him a soft, sweet little lullaby*
Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis?
Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong?
It's swell to have a stiffy
It's divine to own a dick
From the tiniest little tadger
To the world's biggest prick

Yusuf: And he named him Corvus after himself because of fucking course he did. Which at last
gave me an infant to actually want to murder.

Credence: I mean, you fucked up, 'cause I'm right here.

Yusuf: Not for much longer.

Credence: Fair. Cool if I change my name to Corvus Lestrange before you kill me?

Yusuf: Eh, sure—

Leta: Nope!

Yusuf: Why the hell not?

Leta: 'Cause that's not their birth name!?

Yusuf: Yes it is now shut up. So Lestrange finds out somehow that I'm coming after him for
revenge-based purposes, right? He never thought that I nor my father would ever try to rescue my
mother while she was alive and saw no need to take extra precautions then – and he was right, we
didn't – but he knew that he had to be careful now. He also somehow found out that I was going to
try and kill his new infant child rather than him. So instead of paying me zero mind on account of
still being less than twenty years old at the time time or reporting me to the French ministry in any
way, he instead decided to send his kids off to America where they would apparently be safer.

Leta: I admit the attempt was made, but—

Yusuf: And you know how I just told you that whole thing about Lestrange forcibly enslaving a
black woman in order to get a child out of her? And you know how house-elves are a literal slave
race? Irma Dugard was a half-elf. Don't think too hard about exactly where she might have come
from; we might've had another half-sibling/relative in this film the entire time.

Jacob: ...Gross.

Nagini: Seriously, the hell did you have to bring that up for.

Yusuf: Because house-elf magic can do fucking anything including apparate and disapparate in
places that magical humans cannot, which somehow makes them far weaker than wizards
apparently and thus I had no way to track Irma specifically. Never mind the part where I was still
maybe newly graduated from Beauxbatons at the time and probably didn't know how to do that
kind of magic yet, especially since Newt over there is the only one known to be able to do literally
any of that shit. I'd only just heard how you'd been smuggled out of the country by way of the news
coming in that the ship y'all were on fucking sank. Except women and children get put on the
lifeboats first, don't they?

Jacob: ...How did you know about the parts you weren't there for.

Yusuf: You shut up. And now I'm gonna fucking finally recite that stupid fucking poetry bit that
we've been alluding to for this entire movie and would have made a far bigger impact – meaning
any impact – had it been stated plainly earlier:
A son cruelly banished
Despair of the daughter
Return, great avenger
With wings from the water.
Now I don't know how comfortable you are with being known as a “son” necessarily—

Credence: I will absolutely put up with it in this instance as it implies that I once had parents.

Yusuf: Okay, great, because Leta over there is the despairing daughter—

Leta: Not for those reasons!

Yusuf: Oh yes you are! And you...You are the winged raven, returned from the sea, and I'm the
avenger.

Credence: ...So I should change my name to Namor?

Yusuf: ...I'm gonna kill you now.

Leta: Corvus Lestrange is already dead, I killed him! And I have no idea how that affects your
Unbreakable Vow but considering you seem perfectly fine next film I'm gonna go out on a limb
and say it's annulled!

Credence: ...You're gonna have to elaborate on that because I was just coming to terms with my
identity.

Leta: You mean apart from where ShieldEcho made you non-binary 'cause of your actor so the
term “son” shouldn't have applied to you anyway and none of this should've been interpreted as
such?

Credence: Yeah but how many people know that about me.

Tina: Literally the entire magical world, I made it known when I filed the police report back when
everyone thought you were dead.

Credence: Oh! Um, thanks, sort of?

Tina: You're welcome, sort of!

Newt: Did I know all of this beforehand, or...?

Leta: ...Shit, just realized I never grabbed the thing I literally came here to get. Accio. *summons
the box thing, which actually just makes it drop to the floor where she vanishes the chains around it
and causes it to open up* My father owned a very pointedly misogynist and segregated magical
tree.

Magical family tree: *makes a big show of becoming 3D so everyone can properly see how some
of the names have little portraits attached to them while some don't have names at all*

Leta: It only recorded the names and approximate faces of the penised individuals.

Magical family tree: *continues to grow while a bunch of pink flowers grow alongside the names
of those who matter*

Leta: The women in my families were recorded as plantlike analogies to one of our reproductive
bits. Honestly, there were worse types of flowers he could've picked. The flowers are of course
beautiful, as all natal women are and if you're not you're automatically evil or probably weren't
AFAB to begin with because that's always how that works. And, of course, my biggest complaint
about this whole thing is about how dehumanized I feel about being purposefully separated like
this.

Newt: ...And this is all coming from the woman who is adamant about there being separate places
for women and girls to feel safe? With a sudden highlight on prisons where there are still male
guards and they've been there for years and TERFs are still only focusing on fellow prisoners
because they don't actually care? And also cis women can still hurt each other and often do and no
one ever cares when that happens either?

Yusuf: Has she given up on the bathrooms then, or?

Newt: She very much has not. *rubs forehead* People just want to fucking piss, and cis men do
not fucking need to fucking pay out their fucking ass for weekly fucking estradiol to FUCKING
BYPASS A FUCKING SIGN ON A FUCKING DOOR.

Leta: You don't have to tell me, I completely agree with you. As to the obvious hypocrisy...I don't
particularly find it to be a good use of my time to stick my head into a bucket of shit and ask an
asshole why it keeps pooping.

Newt: No, guess you're right...

Flashback Irma and Leta: *walk away from Lestrange with Irma holding Corvus*

Leta: My father sent me to America with Corvus. No idea what we were gonna do once we ended
up there...I just realized that Lestrange married some bitch when I was like three months old but it
took until I was, what, eight or something to impregnate her? I have absolutely no idea how old I
was in this flashback. Anyway, Irma was gonna pretend to be our grandmother.

Flashback: *shows the interior of a ship in 1901, so it can't have been the Titanic like a lot of
people joked, with Irma on the top bunk above Leta who was staring at a screaming Corvus in his
crib*

Leta: You are probably wondering where this unfettered hatred for my baby brother comes from.

Nagini: ...Not...really? You just explained that your father never loved you because you were born
with the wrong genitals, so—

Leta: It all began...

Nagini: Oh, I'm begin ignored.

Leta: ...when he was but a newborn babe. His crib on the ship was right beside my bed. And
Corvus cried. Terrorizing me!

Jacob: ...And then?

Leta: That's it. I hated Corvus. Because he cried. A lot. For like, three hours.

Yusuf: ...But...that's really dumb.

Leta: Sure is!

Nagini: *glances at Credence to see how they're doing; friendly reminded that Voldemort will
have Wormtail “milk” her one day* Credence? Credence! Whatcha looking at?
Credence: An ancient slab with all of our darkest fears written on it.

Jacob: Ah, man, again?

Leta: Anyway, Irma buggered off to investigate something happening on the ship – I learned later
that it was about to fucking sink – and I seized my opportunity.

Some nameless woman: *exits the opposite cabin*

Leta: Everyone was milling about and I went into the next room and wouldn't you know it there
was another white baby asleep in its own crib. So I did a swappy-swap!

Yusuf: ...How did the other baby not wake up.

Leta: No fucking idea. But hey, all white people look alike, right, so who the fuck was gonna
notice.

Tina: Probably your dad and Irma once that baby showed no sign of having magical powers.

Leta: Ah, but you see, they were both white magical babies with penises!

Jacob: ...You're kidding.

Leta: Nope! What are the fucking odds!

Nagini: That does sound, like, stupidly convenient. Even for this series.

Yusuf: The realization of the unbelievability of this scenario washes over you like a golden
shower.

Leta: And then I went out the door and Irma grabbed the new baby which was not the same as the
old baby and we all headed out to exit the ship. Also that one unnamed woman from earlier was
apparently your actual aunt, Credence. Which raises so many new fucking questions: After your
mother was sent away for getting pregat at sixteen, which this woman certainly seemed older than,
did she not get, like, physically sent away with the baby herself? Was she not sent away while
pregernate or did they not want to risk her traveling and had her give birth in the UK before
sending her off? Did she also die in childbirth and that's why you never see her? By sent away did
they mean just out of Godric's Hollow to somewhere else in the UK and her sister just took the
baby on holiday to give the young mother a bit of a break? Were you always going to be put up for
adoption with the Barebones and if so why wasn't research done to make sure that the orphanage
they were dropping you off at didn't violently hate magical people on the off-chance you inherited
Aberforth's magical ability which would've been incredibly likely? Why wasn't any of this
mentioned in The Life and Times of Albus Dumbledore by Rita Skeeter unless it was and Hermione
just didn't talk about it!? Christ this leaves me with infinitely more questions than answers and I'm
honestly grateful that you're dead by the end of the next film and that this series is over so that this
doesn't keep happening infinitely.

Credence: ...Thanks?

Leta: No problem! So then we all got into lifeboats, me and Irma with you on the one that didn't
capsize and Corvus and your aunt on the one that did.

Aunt: *is shown to have surfaced after falling out of the boat sans Corvus and quickly dives back
under to rescue what she believes to be her...there's no gender neutral term for nephew and that
frustrates me*

Drowning baby: *is no longer wrapped in a blueish or whitish thick baby blanket but instead some
kind of silk sheet so that it can look more beautiful as this infant slowly succumbs to death. WHAT
A FUN KIDS MOVIE*

Credence: SO YOU'RE SAYING I HAVE AN AUNT?!

Leta: Probably not, the script implies that she drowned trying to dive for you. Which I'm honestly
surprised she did, mothers are supposed to be the ones that do anything for their offspring up to
and including death so why should a mere aunt sacrifice her life for her relative when we all know
that that love isn't nearly as strong? Anyway, that's my flower next to Corvus's name and portrait.
See how it's all blacked out now, on account of him being fucking dead? *sniffs and looks up as
she stands*

An image of a floating dead baby wrapped in a thin white sheet: *appears near the ceiling...is
there a boggart in here or is she just hallucinating due to trauma*

Leta: ...Yeah, that boy did not live.

Newt: Okay so you know that wasn't your fault, right?

Leta: *humorless laugh* My headcanon is that you and Theseus were the only two to ever tell me
that my whole entire life. And frankly I value his opinion far over yours since you do everything
you can for weird, fucked up, horrifying shit all the time. And who could be higher on that list than
me.

Newt: Nundus, easily. Lethifolds are another one, I was genuinely disappointed when it turned out
that those drapes that Grindelwald put on all the buildings weren't a whole flock of those. Oh, and
I'd have to say that dementors suck way more than you do.

Tina and Jacob: ...Boo.

Newt: Hmm?

Tina: ...So wait. How did you end up at Hogwarts if you were sent to America.

Leta: I mean, however they'd found out that I committed fratricide, there wasn't exactly a need to
hide just me anymore, would there be?

Tina: Sure, but you're a French witch. Why not Beauxbatons, then? Why Hogwarts, and how
Hogwarts, specifically?

Leta: I—hmm...

Nagini: Does anyone want to hear my tragic backstory?

Everyone else: No.

Nagini: It all started a long time—

Leta: We said no!

Nagini: Fine, jeez!

Audience: THEN WHY FUCKING INCLUDE HER AT ALL IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Former fans: *while staring at JKR's track record of writing non-white characters, including how
she's portrayed Nagini so far* ...You know what, we're good.

Tina: I am very firmly on the side of who gives a shit but, since we've been building this shit up
this whole movie to everyone's disinterest, does anyone know who the fuck this kid is!?

Leta: Haven't the foggiest.

Yusuf: ...Same, now. And let's not bother to cut to me to see what the reaction to the last couple of
decades of my life having amounted to fucking nothing would have been, that would've actually
been good character work.

Credence: I mean I'm white so of course attention would return to me and only me.

Newt: Speaking of white people, remember when I used to be the main character?

Jacob: Pepperidge Farm remembers!

Tina: Oh, shit, right, I forgot to ask the most important question posed throughout this entire series,
now that I have you here: Leta Lestrange, do you like to read?

Leta: As a matter of fact, I d—

Wall: *opens up into a secret passage next to Nagini*

Everyone: *stares at it*

Jacob: So in the script the walls just open on their own, but this implies that I must've pressed
something – probably this long insignia thing on this wall here.

Newt: When'd you find the time to do that?

Jacob: Oh I haven't been listening for days. On account of literally no one cares about any of this;
they just wanna see Queenie not join the Nazis. Which I am also keen on, so if your incredibly
borning selves would fucking excuse me... *goes down the stairs into the passage*

Newt: ….WELL I GUESS THAT'S THE END OF THAT CONVERSATION!

~...Hold up, if Corvus died that long ago, Leta dies in this movie, and that tomb really was of her
dead father...where exactly did Rabastan and Rodolphus come from? Actually, don't answer, I don't
care.~
 MERLIN'S OBLITERATED DRIVEWAY THIS IS LONG
Chapter Notes

...Y'all the live action One Piece was really good. Like, the accuracy of certain scenes
made me tear up damn near every time, the changes made almost perfect sense
narratively (especially when adapting it for an international audience), the costume
design and makeup were spectacular, half the flashbacks still made me sob like an
infant, the cast was amazing as I knew they would be, they got a couple of damn good
child actors, a trans actor was given one of the biggest roles in the show and they
absolutely knocked it out of the park, and pretty much any complaint that I have is
more of a nitpick than a real complaint. My dad likes the show, and he's fucking
willing to check out some of the recap specials. This show is actually doing what it set
out to do and is getting people into the rest of One Piece, even if it's not sitting down
to watch over a thousand episodes because what the actual fuck this series.

I'm on my second watch of it now. I'm actually watching it in Spanish because Luffy
and Sanji's actors are fluent and dubbed themselves and I think that's awesome. I might
need to get creative with the settings/some other method so I can watch the Japanese
dub since they got the anime cast back for it and that's the cast I'm most familiar with;
it'll be the weirdest sense of nostalgia. And then I'm just gonna keep it on in the
background at 1.5x speed for the rest of the month whenever I can because that'll be
the biggest boost to Netflix's numbers because I do not want this canceled THE ONE
PIECE IS REAL!

And this is the fucking chapter I have to post two days later. Just...Just the biggest
fucking downswing. Ah, well, at least nothing else can depress me... *checks news
and sees that Jimmy Buffet's dead* GODDAMN IT.

Content warning: JKR's original manifesto and I think a few of her other tweets
are written almost word for word in this chapter, just in case you were somehow
still on the fence over whether or not she's a bigot: The Brady Bunch, Rocky Horror
Picture Show, Final Fantasy VIII, The Simpsons, Super Best Friends Play, Doctor
Who, Monty Python's Life of Brian, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, Hellsing
Ultimate Abridged, The Hobbit, Dragon Ball Z Abridged, Avatar: The Last Airbender,
Woolie Versus, PatStaresAt, Among Us, Misfits and Magic, Code MENT, Naruto,
Avengers, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Hamlet, The Good Place, Community,
Kung Pow: Enter the Fist, Ratatouille, Naruto: The Abridged Comedy Fandub Spoof
Series Show Motion Picture Movie Film, Mighty Mouse, Fullmetal Alchemist, Les
Misérables, The Emperor's New Groove, and anything under the Harry Potter
umbrella.

~I am doing the entire “climax” in this chapter and it will therefore be long as shit.~

Jacob: *walks out into a giant amphitheater that this tomb has for some reason*

Amphitheater: *is packed with people, all of them magical, none of them noticing the nonmagical
person in their midst since they're mostly if not entirely dressed exactly the fucking same as he is*
Jacob: ...Okay, at least I can blend in easily enough... *spots Queenie* And it sure is a good thing
that Queenie is the only strawberry blond person in the entire gargantuan area!

Credence: I am also out here now.

Nagini: Hey remember when we were desperately trying to keep a low profile since everyone
knows what you look like?

Credence: Hey remember how I don't care?

Nagini: *runs up to him* Hey remember how I was held prisoner for who knows how long so that
people like this could stare at me and call me a freak of nature for their amusement and my
continued dehumanization? I am heavily traumatized by crowds like these and would very much
like to leave now before I get legitimately triggered any further.

Credence: If you're so afraid of purebloods murdering the fuck out of us, why are you so okay
with Voldemort's blood purity bullshit later down the line.

Nagini: Because JKR didn't think any of this shit through?

Credence: Nah, that can't be it.

Rosier: I'm just kind of hanging out I guess.

Jacob: FOUND YOU!

Queenie: HEY, BABE! *kisses him all over his face* Okay, so I'd like to admit that I may have
overreacted a little at the beginning of the movie—

Jacob: Yes you did and guess what I forgive you water under the bridge okay let's get out of here
before I'm found out and swiftly murdered as that is a very likely thing that can happen. *tries to
drag her away*

Queenie: Yeah, about that. *stops him* I'm gonna put some points into being a psychopath.

Jacob: ...I'm not sure I like where this is going.

Queenie: The closest analogy that I can think of is that what if someone back when slavery was
legal very much wanted to keep slavery legal while conversely being pro-interracial marriage.

Jacob: ...And it hasn't crossed your mind that he's very blatantly manipulating the thing that you
want most in order to get you on his side and exploit your power? Like, you can't believe that he'd
actually let you get married to me if he wants my kind dead so badly! Your enthusiasm is legit
worrying me over here!

Queenie: Oh I'm sure it's fine.

Newt and Tina: *stare out at everyone*

Tina: it'satrap.gif

Newt: Put that together, did you? What an amazing investigator you must be.

Tina: *blushes and turns away* Thank you!

Newt: You know your sister is down there and about to join the Nazis, right?

Tina: Whatever, I'm sure it's fine.

Newt: You don't want to try throwing your own hat into the ring of trying to talk her out of it?

Tina: Please, I am but a weak and feeble woman, only a strong and intelligent man could possibly
convince her of what a stupid little girl she's being. Also it's well known that sibling love is worth
far less than the love of one's significant other anyway, so why should I even care about her at this
point, am I right?

Newt: Well you certainly don't seem to from here on out, to be sure...

Tina: ...Wonder if we could just disapparate and be done with it.

Newt: I know you don't care about Queenie anymore but I'm not leaving Jacob behind. You find
out where he went off to while I do something else.

Tina: And what would that something else be?

Newt: Fuck if I know. *wanders off*

Grindelwald: *starts to very slowly enter the amphitheater*

Tina: *tries to move further down*

Some dude: *completely blocks her*

Tina: ...Excuse me.

Some dude: *does not move*

Tina: I would like to get through, please.

Some dude: *continues to not move*

Tina: ...Rude.

Crowd of people: *starts to applaud as I guess Grindelwald is coming out but the camera's still
focused on Tina so who's to say*

Tina: *turns to leave*

Some other dude: *blocks her leaving*

Tina: ...So I have a wand and am a cop but...Hold up, in Quadball Through the Ages, JKR makes
explicit mention of the playing field being kind of leveled actually due to witches also having
access to wands and can therefore have some measure of self defense. So why the fuck am I acting
like your average nonmagical woman having to play along when being cornered by two men
because there is a very real risk of harm, I can literally magic my way out of this situation at any
moment. *sits down with them anyway* Fucking mandatory drilled-in instinct to keep up the
illusion of politeness and not “make a scene”...

Grindelwald: *ambles toward the center of the amphitheater to thunderous applause*

Script: Their hysteria builds as he stands there, part demagogue, part rock star.

Audience: ...Sure, Jan.

Queenie: Ooooh, I'm just quivering in antici...

Jacob: …

Queenie: …

Jacob: …

Queenie: …

Jacob: …

Queenie: …

Jacob: …

Queenie: …

Jacob: …

Squall: Ellipsis.

Queenie: …pation.

Jacob: This movie's gonna end with my death, isn't it.

Grindelwald: *is staring out at the cheering crowd with his arms outstretched* HI,
EVERYBODY!

Crowd of people: HI, GRINDELWALD!

Newt: How did I get a spot in the audience.

Tina: Yeah we saw how I got trapped, at least.

Credence: We are lower down now.

Nagini: ...Why.

Credence: You know that you can leave at any time, right? You didn't need to listen to me.

Nagini: That's always your comeback and you're always right. That being said, I am a homeless
person with nowhere to go and literally nothing but this overly sexy dress to my name. I am
sticking with you for the sake of security and so I don't have to turn into a giant fuck-off snake
every five seconds.

Credence: That's fair, I guess.

Grindelwald: *lowers his arms* Ladies, gentlemen, variations thereupon—

Someone in the back: SPEAK UP!

Grindelwald: *continues to speak in an incredibly low and soft voice regardless* Hey, how 'bout
y'all give yourselves a hand? You're the ones who deserve it, after all!

Leta: *is hiding up top behind one of the raven statues* No idea what the fuck he's saying all the
way down there. At least there's no applause anymore.

Grindelwald: You came today because of a craving and a knowledge that the old ways serve us no
longer. You came today because you crave something...new. Something different. And what could
be more new and different than the views of a middle-aged white man?

Credence: You think there's a reason he looked directly over in our direction when he said that
first part?

Nagini: Eh, probably not.

Grindelwald: It is said that I hate Les Non-Magiques. The Muggles. The No-Maj. The Can't-
Spells! The Abracadabra-Deficient!

Some random pureblood supremacist: Okay we really need to get better at naming shit, Can't-
Spell is by far the worst name for those lesser freaks that we have ever come up with; it sounds
more like a derogatory term for someone who's illiterate rather than one who can't do magic, and
that's just a new unfortunate implication about this entire series and what JKR thinks of people that
are different from her/have less means than her that I hadn't considered until just now.

Jacob: See!? See how he's riling them up!? Can you see why I want to leave now!? Can we please
in fact leave now!?

Queenie: Hang on, it'll get better, just give him a minute...

Grindelwald: Well you all heard wrong 'cause I don't. So there.

Different random pureblood supremacist: Bull.

Grindelwald: No, roast beef, but I haven't got it quite right yet. Now then, ahem: I respect every
Muggle's right to live in any way that feels authentic and comfortable to them. I'd march with you
if you were discriminated against on the basis of being non-magical. At the same time, my life has
been shaped by being a wizard. I do not believe it's hateful to say so. *paces on the circular dais in
the middle of the amphitheater* So I want Muggles to be safe. At the same time, I do not want to
make wizards and witches less safe.

Queenie: See? He's making a lot of good points, actually!

Jacob: Yeah but if you did even a cursory reading between the lines, he's blatantly trying to
“other” people like me. And if you're seen as “other”, you're seen as not human. Which makes it
far easier to inflict harm and death upon us.

Queenie: Oh you're exaggerating. Just quit being so hysterical.

Jacob: ...You do know that they're gonna accuse you of bestiality since they don't see me as
human, right?
Queenie: Stop badmouthing this serial murderer!

Grindelwald: We're living through the most magic-hating period I've experienced. Back in the
1800s, I imagined that my future pureblood children, should I have any, would have it far better
than I ever did, but between the backlash against magical culture and all of us being forced to go
further and further into hiding and extremist non-magical groups like the Second Salemers, I
believe things have got significantly worse for wizards and witches. Never have I seen us
denigrated and dehumanized to the extent that we are now. Everywhere, wizards and witches are
being told to shut up and sit down, or else.

Leta: Still by the raven statue!

Grindelwald: I've read all the arguments and assertions that magical and nonmagical people don't
have common experience, and I find them, too, deeply hateful and regressive. It isn't enough for
wizards and witches to be Muggle allies. Wizards and witches must accept and admit that there is
no material difference between Muggles and themselves.

Tina: Okay I don't actually want my sister dating a No-Maj because I'm worried about the political
fallout but even I know that there is no material difference between nonmagical people and us,
fuck's sake.

Grindelwald: If you could come inside my head and understand what I feel when I read about a
Muggle dying at the hands of a violent wizard, you'd find solidarity and kinship.

Jacob: Oh is that why you're on his side.

Queenie: It's not actually all that clear whether or not I can see into his head, or whether or not he's
thinking in English if I do.

Jacob: ...So you're just taking his word on this and that's it.

Queenie: Hell yeah! I'm ready to agree with any lies!

Grindelwald: I believe the majority of Muggles not only pose zero threat to others, but are
vulnerable for the reasons I've outlined. I feel nothing but empathy and solidarity with Muggles
who've been abused by wizards.

Theseus: I'm currently outside with like fifty other wizard cops. Now, for the love of Merlin's
chest binder, do not have the killing curse as your fucking go-to. We all know how to fucking stun,
how to petrify – there are so many spells that are not fucking lethal. Maybe use literally any of
those!? And only if you have to, we may be better trained than most of the people in there but
everyone does in fact have access to a fucking wand and it could so easily turn into a bloodbath.

Random wizard cop: *rolls his eyes* Okay, so you know how we're assholes?

Theseus: Yeah?

Random wizard cop: Have you considered that that is in fact what we want.

Different random wizard cop: Or that some of us might be compromised and working for
Grindelwald and therefore know that a bloodbath caused by us is exactly what he wants.

Theseus: ...Somehow no.

Random wizard cop: Yeah well that's on you.

Theseus: So it is.

Nervous wizard cop: Hey, God? It's me, Tony. If only one of us makes it out of here alive, please
let it be me!

Pissed off wizard cop: Hey, God? It's Tony's friend, Andy. Fuck Tony.

Theseus: Both of you shut up and get a move on. *enters the mausoleum proper with the other
wizard cops – all male, by the look of them – filing in behind him*

Grindelwald: So I want Muggles to be safe. At the same time, I do not want to make wizards and
witches less safe. That is the simple truth.

Shiny pendant thing: *is glowing in his chest pocketses*

Newt: That appears to be quite shiny. I now know the true reason why I arbitrarily decided to take
a few nifflers along with me.

Rosier: I am onstage now, faithfully holding the skull bong.

Random blood purist: If we join you, do we get one of those?

Grindelwald: Sure, why not.

Random blood purist: Okay, I'm in!

Grindelwald: Excellent. *takes a big hit off of it*

Tina: I like how the camera focused on me so we don't have to actually watch this actor pretend to
smoke, as I guess that's a censurable offense now.

Grindelwald: ...The fruity flavor did not help, I still just taste grass.*exhales a fuckton of smoke* I
CAN SEE THE FUTURE!

Crowd of people: *is bombarded with images of soldiers, tanks, buildings being destroyed,
military planes shooting overhead, and undesirables being filed into trains*

Newt: ...I'm apprehensive about any situation where Gellert Grindelwald did a good thing and
people might accidentally praise him for it. And wanting to stop the Holocaust and nuclear
warfare seems pretty fucking praiseworthy, honestly, especially as we're now forcibly shown as
wanting to stop that.

Image of a nuke going off: *appears*

Queenie: ….It's a giant mushroom. MAYBE IT'S FRIENDLY!

Jacob: I would like to stop all of this as well, especially that last part, I would prefer to not
participate in one of the most heinous, unanswered-for war crimes in US history.

Queenie: Doing fuck-all about the Holocaust and denying European Jewish refugees passage to
the US so they ended up in the camps anyway, or murdering a fuckton of innocent Japanese people
including so, so many children in cold fucking blood.
Jacob: BOTH!

Queenie: I don't really see the big deal if I'm honest.

Jacob: The fuck're you talking about!?

Queenie: The heat death of the universe can be averted if you hide under a pile of coats.

Jacob: ...Okay, I'm just about done with this shit.

Queenie: Oh I think we can go further into this shitty hole.

Jacob: Can I at least just not watch it?

Queenie: You can—You can look to the side, I guess.

Jacob: I'm looking to the side now.

Smoke: All this Hitler talkin' has me sweaty. *clears*

Rosier: *steps away, skull bong in hand* Seriously, as more and more states legalize this shit,
you'd think they'd sell usable replicas of this in Borgin & Burkes eventually, at least in the
California park. Or even fucking Hot Topic, come on already.

Grindelwald: *stumbles a little* Whoa, feel like I'm on a ship, gotta be careful about how I walk
for a while...So yeah, would very much like to stop WWII and some of the greatest fucking hate
crimes that humans have inflicted on each other in living memory, that cool with the rest of you?

Someone in the crowd who's on the fence: And you're gonna solve that with genocide!?

Grindelwald: ...Well yes.

Someone in the crowd who's no longer on the fence: Okay, I'm on board.

Grindelwald: Oh good!

Theseus and co.: Ain't it a pity that we're just now entering and missed the meat of the rally.

Niffler: *conveniently chooses that moment to sneak out of Newt's case*

Grindelwald: *sees them come in* Yo, heads up: there are wizard cops among us. Seems pretty
sus if you ask me.

Crowd: *stares around in alarm*

Tina: Wonder if I'm safe.

Yusuf: Wonder if I'm even a wizard cop, I don't know if that was ever specified.

Theseus: Well this is going horribly. Also cops interrupt public events to arrest people all the time
so why in the name of Merlin's stand-to-pee are we not going right up to Grindelwald and placing
him under arrest for at least attempting to assassinate a foreign leader. Hell, I can read a laundry
list of everything else he's done to even squeeze in a title drop for people to point and go “he said
the thing” at! The actual fuck aren't I doing any of this!?
Grindelwald: *raises his hands dramatically again* But endlessly unpleasant as its constant
targeting of me has been, I refuse to bow down to a movement that I believe is doing demonstrable
harm in seeking to erode “magical” as a political and biological class and offering cover to
predators like few before it. None of that may trouble you or disturb your belief in your own
righteousness. But if so, I can't pretend I care much about your bad opinion of me.

Theseus: That's nice. *to his men* Hey how 'bout we don't shoot first and get qualified immunity
later for the very first time in any of our careers, how 'bout we save ourselves some paperwork,
yeah?

Leta: Is no one else over by this statue except for me?

Wizard cops: *slowly walk down the stairs*

Many members of the crowd, especially on the ends of each row: *have their wands out*

Grindelwald: It will surprise none of you to know that these bastards have murdered a whole
bunch of people, many of whom I cared about, without using any kind of deescalation technique or
just using literally anything but murder as an instant first response. They arrested me in New York
just because I committed identity theft and probably killed the person whose identity I had thefted,
as well as for several counts of attempted murder including an attempt to assassinate the president.

Ginger witch: ...Convicted for a crime he didn't even commit? Hmph! Attempted murder! Now,
honestly, what is that!? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry!? Do they!?

A young wizard cop that somewhere along the line we learned was named Cassius Bell: *is
descending the stairs toward the ginger witch*

Wikipedia: A casus belli is an act or an event that either provokes or is used to justify war.

Audience: … *exhausted, heavy sigh* Remember when we were all like nine and we thought that
JKR naming the werewolf character Werewolf McWerewolf was really deep and clever?

Grindelwald: My main point is that they're killing their own people. We hear over and over again
about how we shouldn't hurt people without magic, but I for one am absolutely sickened by this
magic-on-magic violence, and no one ever talks about it!

Newt: ...This is going to get very bad very quickly, isn't it.

Ginger witch: You're just saying that because I'm twitchy as fuck.

Grindelwald: These people – these absolute bastards – they joined the wizard cops because it
gave them an excuse to get paid to be bullies. To commit violence and get away with it. To really
commit any kind of crime they wanted and get away with it. Because they all look out for one
another, and only one another. They're not actually there to help you; they're there to uphold the
status quo and nothing else. Even something that they interpret to be a dehumanizing look will be
enough for them to—

Ginger witch: Wonder if they killed anyone I personally know and that's why I went for my wand.

Cassius Bell: Hey look at that, Unforgiveables are still nonverbal. Remember when it took
tremendous power and a real desire for pain and suffering in order to cast one of these? No wonder
I'm a fucking cop!
Ginger witch: And now I am the dead. Bleh.

Grindelwald: ...Would've preferred it had she been given a name and/or any type of backstory so
we can feel literally anything about this poor person's death other than “the delicate vulnerable
helpless adult human female has been killed by a big bad aggressive man who will forever have a
biological advantage oh no have you ever seen such cruelty,” which I am feeling none of right now
because that's not how that fucking works, but I'll take what I can get I suppose.

Theseus: … *deep, exhausted sigh* What you could've done was not murder someone when I
specifically told you not to and when literally any other spell would've done, but barring that...

Cassius Bell: ...My bad? *tries to leg it*

Audience members: *prevent him from escaping* IS IT TRUE THAT YOU'RE KATIE BELL'S
ANCESTOR CONSIDERING THAT SURNAMES RARELY REPEAT IN THIS SERIES!?

Cassius Bell: Iunno, probably.

Leta: If all of the wizard cops that just arrived have fanned out and are stalking the entirety of this
amphitheater, then why am I still the only one over by this one fucking statue.

Grindelwald: *very slowly walks over to the ginger witch's dead body*

Queenie: ...I'd be curious if you'd be able to see thestrals now.

Jacob: What's a thestral, does Newt have one?

Queenie: I wouldn't put it past him. They're these freaky skeletal horses that you can only see if
you've witnessed death.

Jacob: I mean I was in the Great War so I probably already have.

Queenie: Yeah but I wanna know if everyone can see them if they've seen death, including
nonmagical people, you know?

Jacob: Oh yeah, we'll have to ask Newt about that I guess.

Grindelwald: *crouches down by the ginger witch's head and strokes back her hair*

Niffler: *shuffles under his feet*

Newt: The fuck did he not notice that.

Grindelwald: It's not a hundred percent clear. Anyway, a few of you need to take this young
warrior back to her family.

The people surrounding her: How, none of us have any idea who she is, even the wiki doesn't
know shit.

Grindelwald: Have you considered doing magic about it.

The people surrounding her: …

Grindelwald: That's what I thought. *climbs the stairs a bit higher*

Tina: This gonna be over soon, I haven't changed my tampon in a minute and I don't know if
there's a magical cure for toxic shock.

Grindelwald: Remember, it's civility that matters most – if someone is angrily stating their
opinion, or is expressing any passionate emotion whatsoever, that automatically makes them wrong
compared to us calm, collected, and ultimately correct people. Now, FUCK OFF!

Everyone: …

One brave soul: ...How shall we fuck off, O Lord?

Grindelwald: Iunno, disapparate, fucking run, I don't give a shit, just bugger off and tell everyone
that you saw a cop fucking murder a white woman instead of just stunning or disarming, remember
when disarming saved the world in the future 'cause I sure as fuck do. It is not we who are violent;
ignore how I'm gonna burn a bunch of motherfuckers to death and basically try to destroy all of
Paris single-handedly less than five minutes from now and just take me at my word.

Everyone: M'kay. *disapparates seemingly into the sky; I remember when the book description
had everyone do a little twirl before they were actually able to do that but since when have the
movies ever followed book descriptions*

Jacob: ...And we're not disapparating as well at least for the sake of getting the fuck out of here
because...?

Queenie: Hang on, I wanna see where this goes.

Jacob: ...Why.

Grindelwald: Okay, now it's just me and...how many, fifty of you, did the script say?

Theseus: Just about.

Grindelwald: ...Hang up, what happened to Bell, did the others actually let him go?

Theseus: Looks that way, yeah. Also we should probably take you down or something—

Grindelwald: Hold that thought. Everyone cover yourself in oil, I'm gonna light this match, and
whoever's the last person to burn wins.

Theseus: Wins what?

Grindelwald: Being good at burning. *uses his Mangekyo Sharingan to summon Amaterasu—Oh,
wait, these flames are blue, not black like they were in the script, hang on* I cast this nonverbally
in the film but the script has me actually say the words protego diabolica. Which, I don't know,
sounds pretty evil to me.

Rosier: *walks right through the flames*

Convicted sex offender Kevin Guthrie I mean Abernathy: *also does this*

All of his other followers except for Krall: *also also do this, and all of them including
Abernathy disapparate; Rosier sticks around as she has to care for the ever-important and never-to-
be-seen-again-after-this-movie skull bong*
Krall: Yeah fuck it, I'm still on board. *tries to go through the flames but instead horribly burns to
death* YOU RIGGED THAT TO DO THAT BECAUSE I COMPLIMENTED YOUR EX TO
YOUR FACE, DIDN'T YOU!

Grindelwald: Maybe a little bit. Maybe just a little bit. *looks up at the wizard cops who still
haven't even bothered moving* Oh come now, we're all villains here! And we all know that you do
so love to commit crimes with no consequence. *smirks* How would you like to do so against a
far larger group of people?

Theseus: ...So it's all super evil? I'm guessing it's super evil.

Grindelwald: I come with glad tidings! Of a world made free.

Newt: Free from what?

Grindelwald: Freedom. Freedom is life's great lie. Once you accept that in your heart, you will
know peace. *beat* Basically what I'm saying is that your choice is to join me or be burned alive
right here and now.

Leta: That's not a choice, that's an ultimatum.

Some of the wizard cops: Don't know why we're not disapparating but RUN AWAY! *run away*

Blue flames: *are sent up to burn them alive*

Grindelwald: Look at all the collateral deaths!

Dying wizard cops: Well at least there are no bodies left behind as per usual.

Credence: *tries to move toward Grindelwald*

Grindelwald: *smirks* All according to keikaku.

Credence: ...Let go?

Nagini: No!?

Credence: You forgot that my entire character motivation has become learning about my
backstory and I don't give a shit about anything otherwise. Not to mention I have just as much
cause to hate nonmagical people as you do magical ones.

Nagini: Okay that motivation makes sense. Too bad it's never really touched upon...

Credence: Yeah, like, how the fuck did Harry not turn out just like Voldemort. Or this clown.

Nagini: Hang on, I need to state the main takeaway of the entire franchise: He knows what you
were born! Not who you are!

Credence: ...And yet the creator of said franchise where this is meant to be the main message is
the face of the movement that demands that you be nothing other than what you were born as.

Nagini: Yep! Pure hypocrisy at its finest!

Credence: *shakes head sadly* Now my brain is in even more pain, 'cause I have more context to
not understand.

Newt: YEAH ALSO MAYBE DON'T JOIN THE VILLAIN TEAM. REMEMBER ME? I
WANTED TO HELP YOU THAT ONE TIME AND PROTESTED YOU GETTING POLICE
BRUTALITIED TO DEATH? I STILL DO IF YOU'LL LET ME!

Nearby wizard cop: O I AM SLAIN! *is instantly incinerated*

Newt: Okay now it makes sense why they wanted me to join up at the beginning of the film, as I'm
apparently one of the few existing magical people who knows how the fuck to cast protego.

Credence: ...I understand that you wish to offer me found family – you and Nagini both – but you
have to understand that blood relations and finding out one's family tree is infinitely more
important to everyone everywhere. *pulls away from Nagini*

Nagini: *is sobbing; friendly reminder that she's going to be made into a disposable container for a
fraction of her white male owner's soul one day* Honestly the whole obsession with hypothetical
children's fertility is starting to make way more sense if that is what you've chosen to internalize.

Newt: *is thrown to the floor from the force of the flames; that being said he is still alive because
he did some basic defensive magic, something that the trained professional police force did not
bother to do even to save themselves. See, this is why we need to defund the police, that money is
clearly not going where it should*

Credence: *is inching closer to the flames*

Nagini: Stop, don't, come back.

Jacob: Hey, babe, you know how every villain is always number one at the time of their villainy?
'Cause he's very obviously a fucking villain. You grew up hearing nothing but copaganda and he
just murdered a bunch of your sister's colleagues, so that's got to be a huge red flag, right? Also he
thinks that I'm, like, a separate species from you.

Queenie: There will be exceptions, there always are!

Jacob: Yeah everyone always says that. And then someone who's carrying a very much wanted
child with no kidneys who will suffocate to death within minutes of being born still isn't able to
terminate so that the infant won't have to die in agony and the parents won't have to suffer a
prolonged, even more traumatic grief.

Queenie: I don't care about that! I just want marriage equality and he's promising that!

Jacob: Politicians lie all the fucking time! Do you know how many Democratic presidents
promised to enshrine Roe v. Wade into fucking law, including Obama!? And then they didn't!?
LOOK AT US NOW! IF YOU LIVE IN THE WRONG STATE YOU'RE FUCKED, ESPECIALLY
IDAHO WHERE IT'S A CRIME TO EVEN LEAVE NOW!

Queenie: Only for minors.

Jacob: Okay but that's worse. I mean, you, you, you do get how that's worse. Right?

Queenie: Yes but it's different when it's me because I want it. Besides, I have done dumber things
for less reason.
Credence: I'm going right through the flames without being burned, is anyone watching?

Grindelwald: The camera's back on you now so they have to instead of paying attention to
characters they actually give a shit about. Huggles?

Credence: *melts into the hug* You're lucky that I'm so desperate for human contact because I
liked you so much better when you were Colin Farrell.

Grindelwald: Everyone did. And all of that equality talk was a bunch of fucking bullshit; I
actually wanted you at my side the entire time. As a weapon I could unleash at will, of course.

Credence: Will you treat me like a person?

Grindelwald: I mean I treat everyone around me like tools, but you won't really get that because it
will still be such a massive upgrade compared to what you're used to that you'll still end up grateful
for what I give you until you're not anymore.

Credence: I will take it!

Queenie: So we doing this or what, it won't have much of a purpose if you don't come with me.

Jacob: This sure is a heartbreaking portrayal of someone who you never thought would turn out to
be fascist turning out to be fascist. *beat* We'd see this play out in real life in just a couple short
years from this movie's release, wow, that makes me sad...

Queenie: I SAID ARE WE DOING THIS OR WHAT!

Jacob: WE ARE NOT IN FACT DOING THIS! I CAN EXCUSE DATE RAPE MAGIC BUT I
DRAW THE LINE AT BECOMING AN ACTUAL WIZARD NAZI!

Grindelwald: You can excuse date rape magic?

Queenie: I IMPLORE YOU TO RECONSIDER!

Jacob: ABSOLUTELY NOT! YOU'RE NOT ONLY FUCKING INSANE, YOU ARE TOO DUMB
FOR THIS PENIS!

Queenie: *sobs, turns around, and walks toward the fire*

Jacob: STOP, DON'T, COME BACK!

Queenie: *seems to scream in agony as she enters the fire but the music is swelling to seemingly
mask it*

Jacob: *is legit horrified*

Queenie: Lol jk. *is fine*

Jacob: ...That is somehow worse.

Tina: *ISN'T EVEN ONSCREEN WHILE HER JEWISH-CODED SISTER JOINS THE NAZI
PARTY* Wait, no, Queenie, choose life. *it's far more important that she's shown defending
herself from the flames rather than being shocked that her own blood relative has turned evil. And
here I was thinking that blood relations were the most important thing in the universe*
Theseus: Sure is a lot of shit on fire right now.

Grindelwald: *is maneuvering the flames as if he's a conductor and honestly looks half asleep as
he does so*

Even more wizard cops: You're a pretty competent murderer. *continue to die horribly*

A couple more wizard cops: HEY WE REMEMBERED WE CAN TELEPORT!

Grindelwald: No you didn't. *gets them mid-teleport*

Cassius Bell: ...I think it's implied that I go through the flames at this moment and happily join
Grindelwald. Which, how am I the only wizard cop to do so, everyone should've easily walked
through this Thin Blue Line.

Grindelwald: Hey Scamander, remember when I attempted to murder you via the Dead Pool last
year?

Newt: Oh right, that was still you. Sorry, you were an actual threat back then.

Grindelwald: *actual line* Do you think Dumbledore will mourn for you?

Newt: Probably, I am one of his former students...Is this all to make your ex feel bad?

Grindelwald: Well it's certainly a nice bonus.

Newt: Mm. See, that would be intimidating if you were...well, intimidating.

Grindelwald: ...I'm going to kill you now. *sends a jet of blue flames at both Newt and Theseus*

Theseus: I AM A WIZARD COP THAT ACTUALLY KNOWS PROTEGO!

Newt: Oh, good for you.

Leta: Okay I'm sick of just hanging at the back. DUDE STOP MAYBE.

Grindelwald: M'kay.

Leta: *descends haughtily down the stairs*

Theseus: ...Don't you fucking dare—

Leta: Dude, it's cool, I'm not a fucking Nazi.

Theseus: Oh, okay, good. Maybe don't face him alone, though? I mean we're all getting our arses
kicked and it's implied that you only just became a wizard cop. *tries to get over to her but the
flames are in the way; he uses protego repeatedly but can only get so far*

Newt: *is really just trying to defend himself at this point*

Grindelwald: *stares at Leta* This one I believe I know. Not sure how since as far as I know
we've never been seen together even once, but I guess your reputation precedes you and there are
only so many POCs in our little underground society.
Leta: Yeah, no, it's not great.

Grindelwald: It is Leta Lestrange, though, right? *exits the flames and walks up toward her* So
you were bullied heavily in your youth but did that really extend into your adult life? I mean, you
got super hot, usually people leave hot people alone.

Leta: Still black.

Grindelwald: Good point.

Leta: Also I honestly don't know how many people known that I'm a baby killer. As in I was
literally responsible for the death of a preexisting infant. I hate how I have to clarify that.

Grindelwald: *puts his hand to his chest in joy* I also am literally responsible for the death of a
preexisting infant! I had Carrow put down a nonmagical toddler earlier...today, I think! Yesterday
at most!

Leta: Jesus, two dead babies? That's a quick way to desensitize an audience.

Grindelwald: *taps the Elder Wand against his hand* ...I wonder if my strange delivery here is
because I'm trying to figure out what to say in order to best manipulate you into joining my cause.

Theseus: Babe, I know you said you weren't a Nazi but from this angle it really does look like
you're gonna join him any second, you know that, right?

Grindelwald: Indeed it does. Care to prove him right? *stretches out a hand for hers*

Leta: … *puts her hand in his*

Theseus: Bitch!

Grindelwald: Ha HA let's go. *walks back toward the fire*

Leta: *lets her hand slip out of his grasp* See, what I probably should have done here is quickly
gone for my wand in order to curse you while your defense is presumed to be lowered – and I
should've gone for the kill like a proper wizard cop at that – but instead I'll just stand here, slowly
look over at my boyfriend and my ex-bestie/ex-boyfirend/who the fuck knows and tell one or both
of them that I love them before finally pulling out my wand and shooting one of the dull white
spells at Grindelwald rather than one that was clearly green.

Grindelwald: And because it's not clearly green, I am able to deflect it easily with my fucking
back turned.

Leta: Well at least let me hex Rosier. *hexes Rosier, who drops the skull bong which explodes*

The Thin Blue Line of flames: *is now a thick blue circle of flames*

Leta: YOU TWO BUGGER OFF!

Theseus: YOU CAN TELL THAT ROMANTIC LOVE IS MORE POWERFUL THAN
PLATONIC LOVE BECAUSE I AM STILL TRYING TO GET TO HER WHILE NEWT
CONTINUES TO NOT DO THAT!

Grindelwald: And I'm back at the center of the fire, kind of just standing here.
Leta: I am also just standing here!

Newt: I am also also just standing here!

Theseus: AM I THE ONLY ONE STILL ACTUALLY TRYING TO DO SOMETHING!?

Tina: Looks like.

Jacob: I physically can't do much of anything in this situation.

Theseus: OH FUCK ALL OF YOU! *inches closer to Leta*

Grindelwald: Fuck it, I'm bored. *sends the blue flames at Leta*

Leta: Wow, black character dies first, what a fucking shock. Also how do I not at least attempt a
shield spell. Just give me some sort—doesn't have to be a good story reason but that's all I need.
Give me a bad story reason why— *disintegrates*

Tina: ...Well fuck. Now I'll never know if she liked to read.

Theseus: THIS HAS MADE ME VERY UPSET!

Newt: Oh quit being so hysterical. *holds him back and disapparates with him to outside the
mausoleum*

Nagini: Wait, I can't die here! I have to be decapitated by a white man in 1998!

Yusuf: Wonder if this counts as me apologizing for threatening to murder you in cold blood
earlier. *grabs her and disapparates outside*

Nagini: I'd still take a verbal apology—

Yusuf: THERE'S NO TIME!

Tina: Got ya, Jacob!

Jacob: Good for you. *lets her side-along disapparate with him*

Grindelwald: I hate Paris. Rats cook in their kitchens. Fucking disgusting. *buggers right off*

Theseus and Newt: OH SHIT. *nearly get attacked by more blue flames coming out of all the
doors and shit*

Tina: *is yet another cop that actually bothered to learn how to shield herself*

Theseus and Newt: We are still alive somehow.

Jacob: Not too keen on bothering to defend myself at the moment.

Newt: Jacob! I don't know how much longer I can hold out! You have to promise me that if I don't
survive...you have to tell Bunty...that I'm completely indifferent to her!

Jacob: Who the fuck is Bunty.

Flames: *erupt into the shape of maybe a hydra or something – is this technically fiendfyre, 'cause
the color of the flames were normal in the final book/film*

Tina: I may not have wanted you dating my sister for legal reasons but that doesn't mean we aren't
friends.

Jacob: Okay, I guess?

Theseus, Newt, Nagini, and Yusuf: *all dive into alcoves as cops continue to die around them*

Flamel: *shows up to see gargantuan columns of blue flame erupt out of the cemetery and bursts
into song*
HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAAAAAY!

Jacob: You walked all the way here, didn't you.

Flamel: Probably!

Everyone who's still alive: *is desperately clambering away from the flames, defending
themselves as best they can*

Flamel: The foundation of alchemy is the power of the circle. The circle dictates the flow of
power, and when the proper runes are written within it, it is possible for the power to be released.
But we don't have time for runes so everyone with a wand just spread out so that we make as much
of a circle as possible.

Jacob and Nagini: Just stand here and watch, got it.

Flamel: Very good! Now we gotta do this or Paris will burn to the ground. *beat* Also they might
see the giant flames of death and that would be bad for the statue of secrecy.

Jacob: Okay but would that really be such a bad thing? Rats cook in their kitchens, I can't compete
with that!

Theseus and Newt: *apparate some distance away*

Fire: I AM SEVERAL DRAGONS NOW!

Newt and Theseus: ALL THESE SQUARES MAKE A CIRCLE! *stick their wands into the earth*

Tina and Yusuf: ALL THESE SQUARES MAKE A CIRCLE! *do the same thing*

A large, orange transmutation circle: *erupts from the point where their wands make contact
with the ground*

Flamel: See the joke is that cemeteries are made up of rectangles which are kind of squares. And
apparently all that was needed was just us five people who barely spread themselves out
whatsoever to create this barely a circle! Why is this working at all, we should probably all be
fucking dead. Also ALL THESE SQUARES MAKE A CIRCLE! *does the same thing as the
other four*

Transmutation circle: *lights up and creates a circle of orange flames that rises up to trap the blue
fire dragons, which would normally be much hotter but these are magic flames so I'll shut up for
fucking once*

One of the blue fire dragons: *escapes*

Newt and Theseus: *abandon their posts to somehow redirect the transmutation circle so that it
gets that fire dragon as well*

Jacob: ...There's no way a bunch of people didn't see that. Can we get Frank to do a flyover again?
So that I might also forget everything that just happened?

All five wizards with actual wands: *manage to get all three fire dragons contained and
eventually have the orange flames engulf them entirely, and somehow fighting fire with fire
fucking works as every kind of flame is eventually extinguished*

Theseus: ...Okay, so I lost every single one of my colleagues including my fiancée, this is great,
this is exactly how I wanted things to go.

Tina: High five?

Yusuf: Down low.

Tina: What?

Yusuf: Too slow.

Tina: Aww...

My friend who I forced to watch this with me so I could take notes on their outraged
reactions and who immediately forgot everything the second they stopped watching, the lucky
bastard: ...That didn't feel like the climax of a movie. That felt like a thing that happened.

Flamel: *puts his hand on a crying Jacob's shoulder*

Jacob: *sobs* ...What do I do? What am I supposed to believe in now!?

Flamel: You need to figure that out on your own. Stand up and walk. Keep going forward. At least
you have strong legs to take you there.

Nagini: And now to not even be included in the next movie because my actor was too pregnant by
the time they finally started filming. What a relevant and deep character I turned out to be.

Newt: *starts singing softly*

Oh my friend, my friend, forgive me
That I live and you are gone
There's a grief that can't be spoken
There's a pain goes on and on

Theseus: *snorts* Of course. Of course this female character got fridged in order to further Newt's
character growth. You know, if Grindelwald got a close friend to join the Nazis, you'd think that
would be enough to give Newt the motivation to finally pick a side, but nooo. Instead, a woman of
color had to be sacrificed so that two white men – one who already had motivation for going
against Grindelwald – could be sad enough to move the plot forward. Five fucking years from
now, Jesus Christ...
Newt: *pulls Theseus into a hug*
A phantom face at the window
A phantom shadow on the floor
Empty chairs at empty tables
Where my friend will meet no more

Theseus: *hugs him back, crying into his shoulder* Oh good, we like each other now, how lovely.
Could that have been accomplished in any way other than killing off a female character that we
both cared about in such a horrific fashion where there isn't even a body to bury and the remains
are intermingled with everyone else's? Could a self-described champion of the rights of women and
girls not thought of something a little less repugnant than the Women in Refrigerators trope, she's
supposed to be imaginative for fuck's sake!

Newt:
Oh my friend, my friend, don't ask me
What your sacrifice was for
Empty chairs at empty tables
Where my friend
Will sing
No more
*breaks the hug*

Niffler: HEY, REMEMBER ME!?

Newt: How the fuck did you survive that.

Niffler: Well you got me. By all accounts it doesn't make sense. I do have a cool limp, though!

Newt: Oh, good for you. *gathers him up and plucks Grindelwald's shiny pendant thing out of his
pouch*

Theseus: The fuck is that.

Newt: MacGuffin. Rather shite one at that.

Theseus: Mm. And that's what Leta died for, is it?

Newt: Probably.

Theseus: Great...

~I reread the entirety of the FMA manga for those couple of references. Fuck what a good series.
Glad I decided to do a reread instead of a rewatch, though...DON'T YOU LOVE HOW THINGS
THAT FORMED YOUR ADOLESCENCE CAN BE HORRIBLY TAINTED BY THE PEOPLE
INVOLVED IN MAKING THEM!?~
 NONE OF THIS SHIT MAKES ANY FUCKING SENSE
Chapter Notes

It's done thank fuck oh shit we have an entire film left why did I decide to do this:
Super Best Friends Play, Monty Python's Life of Brian, Woolie Versus, PatStaresAt,
The Hobbit, Hellsing Ultimate Abridged, Naruto: The Abridged Comedy Fandub
Spoof Series Show, and anything under the Harry Potter umbrella.

~Okay. So while everyone is lamenting all of the horrible choices they made in life...~

Hogwarts bridge thing: *will be semi-destroyed by a dragon in 1994 because movie canon*

Newt, Tina, Theseus, Jacob, Nagini, Yusuf, and various wizard cops: *are standing at one end
of the bridge; friendly reminder that we're all going to cheer insanely loudly in the theater when
one of them gets decapitated not too far from this spot one day*

Jacob: So am I seeing a bunch of ruins with warning signs all over and have just been told that it's
a big fuck-off castle, or have I somehow been keyed in.

Nagini: What I want to know is if any of us have been invited inside after this upcoming
conversation, because this gives interesting new insight toward some of Dumbledore's lines in the
main series. Ones like “he used Nagini to kill an old Muggle man” and “he seems to have an
unusual amount of control over her, even for a Parselmouth.” Like...I'm right here. He's fucking
met me. He mentioned nothing of me having used to be a human fucking woman. A woman whose
only motivation was clinging to a masculine-coded partner and being sad when said person
abandons me, but still an adult human female who gets completely forgotten and abandoned after
this scene. Including by a man who will happily plot my death later in life. *blinks* Though he
does that with Harry too so in retrospect it's not that surprising.

Jacob: I just realized I'm not the only one here whose (maybe) love interest abandoned them to
join the Nazis. Hey Nagini, you wanna go find the sweet release of death?

Nagini: FUCK, I JUST CHECKED THE COUNT AND REALIZED THAT I HAD A TOTAL OF
EIGHT FUCKING LINES IN THIS MOVIE, AND THAT'S INCLUDING THAT ONE
DELETED SCENE THAT I THINK CONTAINED TWO OF THEM. I'M MEANT TO BE ONE
OF THE MAIN CAST YET I HAD MORE LINES IN AGE OF FUCKING ULTRON WHERE I
WAS IN LIKE FIVE SCENES TOTAL. SO YES, YES I THE FUCK WOULD.

Jacob: Cool.

Yusuf: Are any of us even allowed to be here, a bunch of us are foreign nationals and one of us
isn't even magical, did Dippet sign off on us all being here or is the castle's security that piss poor?

Tina: It's Hogwarts so probably the latter.

Newt: How dare you be correct.

Dumbledore: *is walking toward them* Merlin's Facebook account that he can't cancel because
he forgot which fucking email he used let alone the password, this is a long bridge.

Newt: I also prefer shorter abridged series, they seem to get done quicker. *starts walking*

Travers: I AM HERE ALSO AND I AM INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT AND VITAL TO THE

CONTINUATION OF THE SERIES—

Theseus: No you're not.

Travers: No I'm not.

Newt and Dumbledore: *continue to walk toward each other*

Newt: I do not appear to be looking forward to this.

Newt and Dumbledore: *meet in the middle of the bridge*

~But enough of our main characters. Let's go back to Credence because everyone is so interested in
them. Or is that just me projecting because I barely gave a shit about them even in the first movie.~

Mountains: *exist*

Nurmengard Castle: *exists*

Credence: Wait, this is meant to be a prison? Then what's with these gorgeous open windows and
this elaborately decorated office?

Grindelwald: Well at least it gets you out in the open air. So how badly have I been fucking this
up?

Queenie: Not as much as you think, but despite making it through the fire alive they're still on the
fence.

Grindelwald: Yeah I may have fucking cheated to get the both of you through without suffering
harm because you're the most useful to me.

Queenie: Huh. This confirmed?

Grindelwald: Nope, just a headcanon. As is Bell making it through and joining me.

Queenie: It would make sense.

Grindelwald: Mm. I'm gonna go talk to them, see if I can make them even more on my side.

Queenie: Well telling them what they actually came with you to find out would be a hell of a
fucking start. The audience who put up with all this bullshit so far would like to know, too, if only
because everyone talking about it throughout the whole movie has made them frustrated enough to
put up with it.

Grindelwald: Gotcha. *goes into the room and up to Credence* ...GOT YOU A PRESENT.

Credence: I'm not sure I've had any of those before so I will in fact turn around.
Grindelwald: So the reason it's mostly in my sleeve is so I don't fucking drop it. It's a thing that
can happen sometimes, you'll find a way to get used to it.

Credence: *stares at the wand in his hand and slowly takes it out* ...How did you figure out my
specific wand specs, I thought the wand chose the wizard.

Grindelwald: Are you shitting on my infinite benevolence!?

Credence: N-No!

Grindelwald: Well okay then!

~The entire last book was about wand lore but here, just have this random wand that may not fit
you at all, I'm sure that'll work out fine.~

Newt: The evil is defeated!

Dumbledore: The evil is defeated.

Newt: Yet somehow Dumbledore is still here.

Dumbledore: *laughs* That was uncalled for.

Newt: Was it though?

Dumbledore: HEY I heard Leta was fucking dead.

Newt: Yep.

Dumbledore: ...Feels like that was largely unnecessary.

Newt: Yes but how else would I have been motivated to actually realize that what Grindelwald
was doing was terrible and that I should move to oppose him?

Dumbledore: *gapes at him* By remembering how he planned to manipulate the obscurus within
Credence to kill for him!? By swaying one of your close friends to join his side!?

Newt: Queenie wasn't really that close a friend and I've lost considerable respect for her because of
all this—

Dumbledore: She's still your love interest's sister!

Newt: Who doesn't seem too cut up about it, to be honest—

Dumbledore: She's still your best friend's love interest!

Newt: ...Okay yes that might've been worth caring about.

Dumbledore: *sighs* Accidentally angsted your way to progress. *shakes head* It's still
astonishing to me that the only reason you bothered to get involved was because someone close to
you was affected, meaning the only reason you bothered to get involved was because something
happened to you. What a fucking hero, no wonder you're getting sidelined more and more as these
films go on.
Newt: Yes, and you're such a better protagonist.

Dumbledore: Could've been! People like redemption stories! It just sucks that mine wasn't
handled very well to the point where if you actually look at most of my actions in the main series I
still end up doing a shit ton of evil.

Newt: I'm tired of talking about this now. *holds up Grindelwald's shiny pendant thing*

Dumbledore: ...I am successfully distracted.

Newt: It's a blood pact, isn't it?

Dumbledore: Yeppers!

Newt: You swore not to fight each other.

Dumbledore: Exactly, glad you understand. And I think that is about as clear a non-answer as I
can give you.

Newt: Oh I understand. I understand how your entire character has been irrevocably destroyed by
this one retcon.

Dumbledore: Excuse me?

Newt: You ever read Naruto?

Dumbledore: I stopped some time during the zombie shit, why?

Newt: Well I don't know if it was explained at that point, but originally Obito's love interest
committed suicide by cop with the unintended help of his rival-turned-bestie.

Dumbledore: And he then went on a crusade to trap everyone on the planet in one massive
collective illusion where no one would ever feel sad again because he didn't want to live in reality
anymore and didn't think anyone else should have to either, I remember.

Newt: Right? Understandable, human motivation. Pucci wanted to rewrite reality as well because
it was one of his dead boyfriend's goals that never got seen to fruition, some of the best villains do
shit like that.

Dumbledore: But I don't want to rewrite reality. Or even change the status quo all that much.

Newt: Let me finish. Now, Pucci's shit stayed consistent. Obito's did not. We were suddenly
bombarded with a bunch of zombie ninja presidents giving Sasuke a lecture on how Uchiha are
built different, that when they experience grief they become hyper violent and want to destroy the
world and everyone in it. It was a complete handwave of all the shit that came before and made
Obito's reason for his villainy far less compelling because of it, making it more of a biological
excuse rather than understandable human motivation. There was some Ackerman bullshit having
to do with Mikasa that made me drop Attack on Titan as soon as it happened as well – I forget the
details but it was essentially the same thing.

Dumbledore: Just get to the point.

Newt: My point is that I hate it when a character has an illogical but understandable human
motivation for doing Thing, but then something happens where actually they were doing Thing
because of Object or Genetic Bullshit. In your case, you had an incredibly understandable human
motivation for not wanting to fight Grindelwald: he was your ex and you had complicated feelings
about fighting someone you once loved so fiercely and might still have some lingering affection
for. *holds up blood pact* But now Object has come into play and negates all of that. It is truly
terrible fucking writing. We come to our escapist fantasies specifically for the characters, not
whatever this is supposed to be.

Dumbledore: I thought they came here for the No Meaning, Only Lore.

Newt: Some do, yes. But characters also help to make up the lore, do they not? And yours has
been tainted by this. *blinks* Also it makes no fucking sense. We know from canon that you did
fight each other. There was that big three-way duel between the two of you and your brother that
ultimately resulted in your sister's death. So you couldn't have sworn not to hurt each other before
that; it must've been after. Which, why would you even make one at that point? Hell, why would
you make one with him at all?

Dumbledore: Because, possible married lesbian couple in that one video game aside, it's not a
hundred percent clear if gay marriage exists in this society, especially since I'm the only queer
character that we know of in the main series. My headcanon since this film came out has always
been that making a blood pact was the closest thing we could get to getting married. Though I do
agree with you that the timing of when we did it doesn't even begin to make sense.

Newt: Well then I've got some bad news about all of the fanfic writers who've made up rules as to
how that works years before this came out, and having the Marauders make blood pact after blood
pact after blood pact to cement their brotherhood. And some of 'em didn't even have Wolfstar in
'em! So this being Proof of Gay doesn't really hold water either; you're gonna have to fucking say it
next film.

Dumbledore: Fine, but only if it can be easily edited out for certain foreign markets.

Newt: Well naturally.

Dumbledore: And don't worry, there's more stuff to be ruined for us in the future. *takes it from
Newt* How in the name of Merlin's favorite purple sparkly twenty-sided die did you manage to
get this, anyway?

Newt: *cradles the niffler that'd been hiding in his pocketses*

Dumbledore: Oooooh, it's a baby!

Newt: Yep. And, I don't think I told you about how, when he was cosplaying as Graves,
Grindelwald locked his office door against magical ways of opening it, but then Jacob literally
kicked the door down with relative ease?

Dumbledore: *snorts*

Newt: It's basic shit like that that no one expected.

Dumbledore: I mean did he even know that you had a niffler?

Newt: He had to dig in the back of the case for the obscurus so probably.

Dumbledore: Huh. Maybe it's like Tom forgetting that phoenix tears have healing powers that one
time. Even with our big brains, we sometimes forget the basics.

Newt: Guess so.

Dumbledore: *looks beyond Newt and lifts up his arms* HEY CAN YOU TAKE THIS SHIT
OFF ME NOW!?

Travers: I DON'T REALLY SEE WHY, YOU STILL REFUSE TO FIGHT THE FUCKER AND
WON'T TELL ANYONE BESIDES THE WRONG SCAMANDER AS TO WHY THAT IS—

Theseus: Yeah okay. *magically gets rid of the cuffs*

Travers: ...You are so fired.

Theseus: No I'm not.

Travers: No you're not.

Dumbledore: *stares at the blood pact floating in front of him*

Newt: *stares at the blood pact floating in front of him*

Dumbledore: *stares at the blood pact floating in front of him*

Newt: *stares at the blood pact floating in front of him*

Dumbledore: *stares at the blood pact floating in front of him*

Newt: *stares at the blood pact floating in front of him*

Dumbledore: *stares at the blood pact floating in front of him*

Squall: Ellipsis?

Newt: So. We now have to destroy a powerful magical object so that an arbitrarily chosen person
whom everyone wants to fight their battles for them can go against the evil wizard trying to take
over the world before it's too late.

Dumbledore: Real original, isn't it.

Newt: ...Can blood pacts be destroyed by goblin-made steel that's been impregnated with basilisk
venom.

Dumbledore: It's a wonder that I didn't try that. But the process might take me upwards of five
years.

Newt: Which is almost how long the next film will take to come out!

Dumbledore: Ha HA pandemics are fun.

Niffler: Gimme.

Newt: No.
Dumbledore: *finally takes the blood pact out of the air* Do nifflers drink tea? I'm not quite sure
we have a Care of Magical Creatures class yet.

Newt: Unlike cats, nifflers can in fact have dairy, so I think he might very much like a saucer full
of milk. Might want to hide the teaspoons, though.

Dumbledore: I've got wooden ones.

Newt: Oh, that'd work perfectly, actually. *walks toward the castle with Dumbledore*

Dumbledore: ...Are the others coming, or...?

Newt: I don't really know. I'm pretty sure you were the one who invited all of us.

Dumbledore: Did I, or is this just where the finale's supposed to take place.

Newt: Good point. *puts the niffler down so he can limp along beside them, though he's looking
much better now so that's good at least*

~Honestly I feel like if the niffler had died trying to get the blood pact, that would've given Newt
the actual perfect motivation for fighting Grindelwald.~

Grindelwald: Credence! The wizards never told you what happened to your father!

Credence: They told me enough! They told me...Wait a minute, they didn't tell me jack shit, what
the hell happened to my father.

Grindelwald: Weirdly not gonna tell you except I am but I'm not. So your own blood family is
also made up of horribly abusive pieces of shit. And I'm not even exactly wrong when you take
into account the constant emotional manipulation and general lack of concern for safely in the
main series.

Credence: Oh do go on!

Grindelwald: *puts his hands on their shoulders* This is the easiest lie I've ever told because we
do in fact have a track record of him actively planning young people's deaths, though granted this
time it's more in self defense than anything else but ignore that bit. But yeah, your uncle I mean
brother is a fucking piece of shit. You gotta trust me on this, I'm a criminal.

Credence: What about the other brother.

Grindelwald: Fucks goats.

Credence: Oh, good for him.

~Ha HA that's actually their father. I hate this series.~

Dumbledore and Newt: Still casually walking toward Hogwarts without any of the others
following us!

Newt: Hey can you teach again, or?

Dumbledore: I don't know but let's say for the sake of continuity that Merrythought's sabbatical is
over and that I'm back in Transfig.
Newt: What's McGonagall gonna do then?

Dumbledore: Continue to not have been born yet, probably.

~Least she's not in the fucking finale, I think I would've walked out despite it being the ending.~

Baby chick: *is balanced on a railing* I've apparently been inside of Credence's pocketses this
entire time!

Grindelwald: Good for you. *picks them up*

Baby chick: AND NOW I'M ON FUCKING FIRE!

Credence: I should probably have a human reaction of freaking the fuck out that that bird is on fire
but instead I'll just stare blankly ahead of me like I've been doing for most of the movie.

Grindelwald: And a fine job you've been doing.

Chick: Still on fire! Cool that I can fly now, though.

Grindelwald: There is a legend in your family that a phoenix will come to any member who is in
dire need, and it can also carry immensely heavy loads. No I have no idea why one didn't come to
you while you were suffering years and years of extreme abuse at Mary Lou's hands. *blinks* Nor
do I not know why one didn't come to Albus after/during Ariana's death. Huh. Come to think of it,
why didn't one appear to Ariana around then, what the actual fuck is happening here. Just give me
some sort—doesn't have to be a good story reason but that's all I need. Give me a bad story reason
why this was never brought up before now or what exactly phoenixes consider to be “dire” enough
to finally show up!

Fully grown phoenix: *emerges from the flames* Boy, this sure would have more of an impact if
we had seen how exactly Credence had come to care for me in the first place instead of just seeing
him randomly taking care of me later! Like, maybe he had found me within the circus itself,
wouldn't that have been interesting!

Book readers: ...Feel like the mention of another sibling would've been brought up in The Life and
Times of Albus Dumbledore just to add to the rest of the tragedy. Or maybe Aberforth could've
brought it up during his rant or something, especially as Credence is actually his fucking child and
yet he still seems more cut up about his sister several decades on. Like, there's plot twists and
there's ass pulls, you know?

Grindelwald: Heh, watch that particular phoenix actually be Fawkes himself.

Credence: You better be wrong. I'm throwing you out the window if you're right.

Grindelwald: I do wonder sometimes whether or not your name would have been Aurelius
Dumbledore or if that's just the name I pulled out of my ass because it's pretentious as fuck and
starts with an A like the other three's names.

Aurelius: Don't care, I'm digging it and I will happily believe you on this. Though had you told me
the actual fucking truth about how Albus is actually my uncle while Aberforth is my fucking
father, and then spun it into a thing about how they abandoned me because they in fact kind of did,
it would lead to way less confusion and a still understandable motivation.
Grindelwald: Yeah but we need some continued plot twists surrounding the mystery that is you
for at least one more film.

Aurelius: Feel like most people were kind of done with my story by the first movie but go off.

Grindelwald: I shall! Wanna take over the world with me? You'll get to kill your uncle for never
bothering to check up on that rumor I mean your brother for actively wanting you dead!

Aurelius: Okay but I never actually found out what happened to my parents. Like, I'd been looking
for my mother this whole damn time.

Grindelwald: Well, in keeping with the lie, your father Percival went to prison for getting revenge
on three nonmagical boys for attacking and possibly SA-ing your sister Ariana – another reason I
want to take over the world because I want to change utter horseshit like that, he should not have
been punished for that – and your mother Kendra was killed by your sister who was an obscurial
like you for the traumatic reasons I described earlier but had far less control than you.

Aurelius: Damn. Little confused as to the timeline as I don't think Azkaban does conjugal visits
and I don't think I'd exist otherwise but I'll take your word for it like I've been doing this whole
time. *fingers their wand—NO NOT THAT WAND* Hey, is it cool if I don't answer your
question just yet in favor of dicking around with my new wand?

Grindelwald: Sure, have fun. *goes to walk out of the room*

Aurelius: Wait, you're not gonna give me instructions on how to actually cast spells?

Grindelwald: Eh, there are books in this office, do what you like.

Aurelius: ...I'd like to blast a hole through that window and see how destructive I can be as I
finally have an outlet for my magical powers.

Grindelwald: I ain't gonna stop you! *leaves*

Credence: ...Okay, let's try this! *blasts the windows open and the spell blows up a big chunk of
mountain*

Movie: *...kind of just ends. Like, sure, that was the most concussive blast we've seen with magic
in this series thus far, but...Marvel movies exist? I don't know, my point is that I wasn't impressed
like I think I was supposed to be*

~THANK FUCK THAT'S OVER. Now I just have...the most boring one of the bunch which'll
ironically make it harder to parody, fuck...~

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