3 Very Different "Going Out to

Meet Girls" Aims

By Chase Amante

Every man's actions when socializing are guided by 1 of 3 core aims.

The wrong aim can sabotage him in social situations… but the right
aim will give him wings.

When a man goes out to meet women, he has a certain aim he takes
with him. That aim might be a conscious one; an aim he knows he
has. Or it may be unconscious -- he doesn't know what his aim is.
Yet whether he knows it or not, he carries that aim with him.

The aim a man takes out with him colors his experience. It colors his
actions and behavior while out. And it colors his perception of what
happens while he's out too.
The right aim leads to progress with women, as a man hones his
abilities to socialize or familiarizes himself with new venues, types of
women, or techniques. Or the right aim might lead him to a lot of
fun. Or to get dates, get laid, and meet a future girlfriend.

The wrong aim leads him to a disappointing outing. On the worse

end, he may end up depressed, disappointed, or beating himself up
over the outing. This happens when he has an aim -- conscious or
not -- and fails to achieve it.

If he takes the wrong aim with him too often, and fails to achieve it
too frequently, it can tank his morale and cause him to give up. Most
guys who quit the game do so because they spent too much time
aimed at the wrong place.

There are three easy-to-identify aims a man can take with him out
into the field. All other more complicated aims boil down to these
three. Two of these aims are self-focused, while the third is other-
focused.

In this article, I'm going to argue that too many men go out with
other-focused aims when they should take self-focused aims
with them instead.

I'm also going to show you how many naturals and men who are
good with girls go out with very different aims than what most less
experienced, more aspirational men take with them.
Here are the three aims a man can take with him when he goes out
to socialize:

I. Break comfort
II. Have a good time
III. Achieve a result with another person

These aims are different from focuses. For instance, the old
theApproach focuses, if you're familiar with those, are:

L. Have fun
M. Be social
N. Make connections
O. See if she meets my standards

A focus is something you remind yourself to do while out. With the

theApproach focuses, the first two focuses are primary, the second
two secondary. It's also possible to have a tertiary focus, like "Try
out X new technique"... but at best that only gets 5-10% of your
focus while out. The primary focuses (have fun and be social) get
70%, the secondary focuses (make connections and see if she
meets my standards) get 20-30%, and the tertiary focuses get
whatever's left.

An aim, unlike a focus, is the emotional motivator of your entire

outing. What got you to put on nice clothes and leave the house
and go talk to new people? What's motivating you to socialize
with strangers, overcome your inhibitions, and try to do things
that are unfamiliar or even intimidating?

In any given outing, you will only have one (1) true, deep-level aim.

This aim will define what you do and how you feel about and even
what happens during that outing.

Aim #1: Break Comfort

Nervous around strange women?

Our first aim is to break out of your comfort zone.

No matter whom you are, no matter where you're at with socializing,

there are things for you that are outside your comfort zone. When
you decide an outing is going to be about doing some of these
things that are a little scary or uncomfortable, that's your aim for the
outing: to break your comfort zone.

In seduction parlance, 'break you comfort zone' often means you

should go try something new you've never done before or do not
believe work. This is an important, unavoidable step to improving
yourself socially.

However, when we talk about aims, we actually talking about

breaking out of all kinds of comfort. Both things that are new and
unfamiliar, and things you simply haven't done in a long enough
while for them to become uncomfortable again.

Think of the guy who used to pick up girls at bars often, but has
been in a monogamous relationship for about three years. Now he
and his girl have split up, and he finds himself back in the field. He
flirted occasionally throughout his relationship and nearly had an
affair at one point, so he's not totally rusty, but he hasn't actually
gone to a bar to talk to new women in almost three years. As much
time as he spent doing it in the past, he now feels a little
uncomfortable when he thinks about doing it. He's much more
comfortable relaxing at home or going to nice restaurants or social
functions these days -- except now he doesn't have a girl to do it
with. He has to leave his comfort zone and do some things that are
uncomfortable before he'll be able to start to bring new girls into his
life again.

So really we have a few different types of discomfort a man might

seek to break:

The discomfort of trying something completely new and alien

to him

The discomfort of getting back to something he used to do but

 hasn't in a while

The second is an easier discomfort to overcome, but if the man's

aim when he goes out is to break out of that discomfort, his aim is
still to break comfort, same as the man who's out to do something
for the very first time.

This is a self-focused aim. It revolves around something you will do

that is not reliant on feedback from others. So long as you do the
thing you don't feel comfortable to do, it doesn't really matter how
other people react; what matters is that you do it.

Aim #2: Have a Good Time

Are these guys going to get laid? Who knows. But they're sure going
to have fun.

Our second aim is to have a good time.

When this is your aim, you go out because it's fun. You like to
socialize with your friends. You like to socialize with new people. You
like socializing in general.

This might seem like a faraway aim for the average reader of this
site. Most guys who read a seduction blog are not so much into
going out to have a good time (though some are). The majority of
readers here go out as a means to an end: to make new friends or
to get laid.

Yet there are lots and lots of people whose sole aim when going
out is to have a good time. These people (men and women alike)
aren't trying to break their comfort zone. And they don't care to
achieve a result with another person. They just want to feel good
and have fun.

Here's what it's like if you go out with the 'have a good time' aim:

Walt throws on some clothes and go meets his buddies at their

favorite bar. They catch up on the past week and rib each other a
bit and drink beers. Walk talks to an older guy near him at the bar
and discovers the guy's a retired Air Force pilot and pretty cool
to talk to.

Walt and his buddies move with their beers to one of the open
pool tables. Walt tries to talk to a few girls near the table,
because talking to girls is fun, but they don't seem interested.
Walt shrugs and goes back to billiards. Later Walt's friend brings
over a few girls he met at the bar and they all play pool and drink
beers together.

The group of guys and girls switches over to a lounge, where the
girls separate from the guys, but that's fine with Walt because he
likes this lounge. He ends up in a conversation with the bouncer,
 who it turns out studies the same martial art as Walt. The
bouncer tells Walt he should come to the bouncer's martial arts
gym, and Walt says he thinks he will.

The night ends, and Walt and his buddies, still having a good
time, meet some girls on the street. They invite them back for an
after party but the girls are tired and just want to go home. Walt
and his friends cheerfully say their farewells, and each heads
back to his place. For Walt, it was a good and successful night
out, because he had a great time.

You don't necessarily do anything uncomfortable or unfamiliar in an

outing where your aim is to have a good time. Nor do you
necessarily pull off anything remarkable with women, but you don't
beat yourself up about failing to do so either. Instead, you just
focus on doing whatever feels like it'll be good and fun to do,
and you have a good time.

So long as 'have a good time' is your motivational aim, so long as

you actually do have a good time, it'll be a successful outing, no
matter what 'progress' you see with game or techniques, or what
'results' you achieve with people.

Like 'break comfort', this too is a self-focused aim. While you usually
do need at least some other cool people to have a good time, it
matters less whom these people are (if your aim truly is to just have
a good time). Instead all that matters is you want to have fun, so you
will seek out people and situations you can have fun with. Or if need
be, you will find a way to have fun completely by yourself.

Aim #3: Achieve a Result with Another Person

You're not out to do uncomfortable things, or to have a great time...
you're just out to meet a girl and get somewhere with her.

Our third aim is to achieve a result with another person.

Unlike the other two aims, this is an other-focused aim. The success
of this aim rests on being able to get another person to do what you
want. And no matter how attractive you become and how good
you become at compelling others to do what you want, there will
always be a large element of chance here, out of your control.

Common results men in the seduction space want to achieve with

other people:

"I want to get a girl to talk to me"

"I want to get a phone number from a girl"
"I want to ask out a girl and have her say yes"
"I want to get laid"
"I want to meet a girl who's a 10"
... and so on.

Other common results a man might want from his efforts to

socialize:

"I want to make cool new friends"

"I want to meet a business contact and get hired"
"I want to make a female friend"
"I want people to see how cool/funny/likable I am"
"I want people to see me picking up a girl"
"I want to out-alpha a guy and back him down or beat him up"
"I want to get invited to a good party"
"I want to the group to include and welcome me"

All these results are dependent on the reactions of other people.

If you can't find a girl who will talk to you, you failed. If you can't get
laid, you failed. If you can't make cool new friends or let people see
you pick up a girl or secure an invite to the party, you failed.

Because this aim depends on how other people react toward

you, and because there's no way to completely control other
people (only to influence them), you are never assured success
for this aim, even if you take all the right steps. You can do your
very best, yet still come up short.

While the 'achieve a result with another person' aim can be very
powerful and highly motivating, it's also potentially a very
destructive aim for guys who are still learning.

What makes this even worse is it's also the most seductive aim --
and the easiest to fall into.
You should almost never go out with a 'result with another person'
aim as a novice socializer. Yet many novices do.

Many men new to the game go out thinking, "I just read/watched
some awesome stuff about picking up chicks. I am getting laid
TONIGHT!"

Of course then they go out, freeze up when they try to figure out
how, exactly, to go about getting laid, panic when they see an
attractive girl, and at best bumble a few words out and quickly
eject when the girl rejects them -- or even if she hooks, but they
can't see a path forward from 'nice conversation with a cute girl' to
'getting laid later tonight with same cute girl'.

This is the most common 'mismatched aim' problem.

But it's not the only one.

In fact, each of the three aims can be a hindrance when you use it at
the wrong time, for the wrong thing.

Aims, Misaimed
Each of the three aims may be misaimed.

Here're the circumstances when each aim is not appropriate.

When 'Break Comfort' Is Not Appropriate

Break comfort works great as an aim when you need to build your
confidence up or try out new approaches/techniques. It's usually
the very first aim you should take with you, whether you're a first
time greenhorn to the social arts or you're shaking off a layer of
rust.

Where 'break comfort' becomes an issue is when men get too

caught up in perpetually testing bounds... instead of enjoying
themselves more or going for results.

Let's take a guy named Kai. Kai's been going out to break his
comfort zone religiously for the past five months. Every time Kai
goes out, he has something else in mind he wants to try out and
test. This has been good for Kai; he's a lot more comfortable doing a
lot more things now that a few months ago he never could've gotten
himself to do. However, at this point, it's become an obsession. He's
always either trying something new, or working to further inure
himself to the discomfort of doing something bold he's already used
to doing but still feels a little nervous when he does.

Kai's issue is he doesn't know how to relax, nor does he know when
it's time to set practice aside and go for the gold. He doesn't ever
go out to have fun, because he sees fun as a distraction from his
exercises, and he doesn't go out to get results from his socializing
because he doesn't believe he's ready yet.

What Kai doesn't realize is past a certain point of doing nothing but
just breaking out of his comfort zone all the time, he slips into a rut.
He reaches a point where 'breaking out of the comfort zone'
becomes his comfort zone -- instead of try to get results or enjoy
what he's learned to do, he keeps working. With everything though,
you reach a point of diminishing returns. Kai will never reach a
point where he is 100% comfortable with all facets of
socialization before he learns how to have fun and get results.
Instead he'll continue to try to chip away at his comfort zone,
making less and less progress as he goes.

While attacking his comfort zone was crucial in the early days, it's
become a major distraction now. Kai needs to take a break from
always trying to up his resilience and add new techniques, and
instead put what he's developed into action so he can enjoy it and
see results from it. Once he starts to have fun and get results, he'll
discover he makes big gains in comfort in many areas he wasn't
able to get comfortable in no matter how much he chipped away;
meanwhile, whole new vistas for him to break comfort in open up
(like those of deeper conversations, regular friendships, and
ongoing sexual relationships with women he's bedded).

When 'Have a Good Time' Is Not Appropriate

Having a good time is a superb way to reward yourself for hard

work, or unwind after a stressful day or week. It's a nice way to bond
with friends, and in certain situations (and if your game is already
advanced enough) it can be an effective way to meet and bed new
women.

Having a good time becomes a detrimental focus though when

you use it as an escape from work you really should be doing --
either breaking through areas of discomfort, or bringing new
people into your life you want to bring in. Every guy knows
someone who spends a lot of his time partying and having fun, yet
who really doesn't have the things he wants in his life. His life is
enjoyable... but it could be a lot more enjoyable if he took the time to
advance himself a bit, and to bring the people into his life he'd like
to have in it. He doesn't do those things though, because those
things are 'work', and he'd rather have 'fun'.

Some guys use 'good time' as a cop-out for outings where they're
supposed to do something else.

These guys were supposed to be there to talk to girls... but got

sucked into watching the game instead.

For instance, a guy goes out to try out some new technique that'll
break his comfort zone a bit... but it's too intimidating, so he
chickens out and just has a good time instead. The same thing can
happen with a guy who goes out to achieve results with people,
saying, "I'm going to get three girls' contact info today!" or "I'm
bringing a girl home this night!" only to end up deciding to just sit on
the grass at the park and watch a movie on his phone or get drinks
and listen to the music in the bar when he goes out, rather than go
for the results he set out to get.
When 'Results with Another Person' Is Not
Appropriate

'Achieve results with another person' is a very worthwhile -- and

very useful -- aim in a great many situations. When you have a good
degree of skill socializing and are ready to put that skill to use, and
particularly when you're out by yourself, it can be very productive to
go for results.

However, there are many more scenarios where the aim of

'achieve results with others' is wholly inappropriate. When
you're new to socializing and not very skilled, you will paralyze
yourself and neither learn anything nor achieve anything. And if you
go out with friends in a have-fun scenario, but roam about trying to
get results instead, you can sabotage the outing for everyone and
fray those relationships with others.

To illustrate the first, imagine a guy named Logan who's new to

socializing, but goes out practice day game, telling himself "Today,
I'm going to meet a girl, get her contact info, and set up a date so I
can have sex with her later!" Logan goes out, and as he walks down
the street he sees a pretty girl. He's read about street stops and
knows in theory how to do them... however, he's never actually done
one before and the thought of doing it freaks him out. He also
doesn't see how doing this street stop -- which he probably won't
get right and will be too nervous to pull off well -- will lead to him
having sex with that girl on the sidewalk... he just doesn't see it. So
he lets her walk by, telling himself "She's cute, but she wasn't the
one."

Next Logan sees a girl on a park bench. He's read about how to
approach a girl who's seated, but again, he's never done it, and it
feels scary. He doesn't think it'll work if he tries it, due to how
unpolished he'll likely be. Since it won't lead to him getting a date
that'll lead to sex, he keeps walking.

Logan passes 10 more girls he finds attractive, all in various

positions, none of whom he can approach. Ultimately he goes home
empty-handed, kicking himself for not doing any approaches, let
alone setting up a date that would lead to sex.

To illustrate our second scenario (a guy who ruins a 'have a good

time' outing by being results-oriented), imagine a different guy,
Theo. Theo is really horny and antsy, and he really wants to get laid.
An acquaintance invites him to a cool party, and Theo accepts,
thinking he might be able to pick a girl up here to empty his balls
into.

At the party, there are a lot of cool people, and a few cute chicks.
Theo makes a little obligatory chitchat with the guys, then beelines
for the girls. He gets one girl somewhat attracted, but she doesn't
bite hard, and when he talks to the other two they aren't interested.
He returns to the semi-interested girl, but can't get her to comply
with him or follow his lead at all. Impatient, he returns to his
acquaintance and asks when the party is going to get hotter, and
proposes maybe they should all head to a nightclub instead. No
one's much interested in his nightclub proposal, and no more girls
show up. Ultimately Theo opts to ditch the party, and heads to a
club instead.

Unbeknownst to Theo, there are in fact tons of very attractive

women in that social circle, but many of them simply hadn't come to
the party that night for one reason or another. Also unbeknownst to
him, the second girl he talked to had her guard up because she did
not know him at all and noticed he'd beelined for her and the other
girls, rather than chatted with everyone. She found him cute at first,
but she was there to have fun, and he was too direct for her tastes
at that point in the party. Had he been a more fun guy, and been
more sociable, she'd have been a lot more open to him.

Ultimately, some of the partygoers comment to Theo's

acquaintance, after Theo has left, that "That guy was pretty
intense!" and ask where he met Theo. The acquaintance gets the
hint -- that Theo did not fit in -- and does not invite Theo to any
future outings.

In both men's cases (Logan's and Theo's), a results-oriented

aim blocked them from focusing on what they should've
focused on in those outings. Had Logan focused on breaking out
of his comfort zone, he likely could've gotten himself approaching,
which would've brought him a lot closer to the result he wanted than
milling about wanting results without a path there. Likewise, had
Theo focused on having a good time with the people at the party, he
could've formed connections that would've helped him get girls in
the future; he could've warmed the party up to himself by showing
what a cool, fun, sociable guy he is (thus also lowering the walls of
the girls at the party); and if he really just needed to get laid very
bad that night, he always could've left the party after a few hours,
good impression made, and headed to the club. Or he could've
asked for a rain-check on the party invite and gone straight to the
club instead, attending one of the parties when he was in a more
relaxed, less libidinous mood.

Each aim has times when it is more or less appropriate for the
situation and for your goals.

The key is simply to choose the right aim (and stick to it).

How to Choose the Right Going-Out Aim

I personally use a very simple flow to determine which aim I should
adopt in any situation:

L. Am I going to do something where I'll be with people I want

to retain as friends or connections, and I want to maintain
those connections and build them up? My aim will be to have
a good time.

M. If not, then next, am I going to socialize in a situation I'm

comfortable and familiar with, and be doing things I'm
comfortable and familiar with? If so, my aim will be to achieve
results with another person (like meet a girl and set a date up or
sleep with her).

N. Lastly, if not to that question, then my aim will be to break

out of my comfort zone. If the goal isn't to hang out with
friends and have a good time and be chill, yet I won't be in a
situation I'm comfortable in where I can do what I know how to
do and get results doing it, then my aim going out should
probably be to get comfortable. And the way I get comfortable
in situations where I'm not comfortable is by doing things to
break out of my comfort zone -- the effect of which, ultimately,
is to get familiar doing those things (either for the first time, or
to reacquaint myself with doing them if it's been a while), and
expand my comfort zone.

Very simple. If I'm with friends, I have a good time. If not, or I'm with
a wingman or someone else I've gone out with explicitly to meet
women with, and I'll be picking up in a way that's familiar and
comfortable for me, I'll go out to achieve results with other people
(specifically, with women). If neither is the case -- I'm not hanging
with friends for fun, and I'm not going somewhere I'm comfortable
socializing and know what to do to get results -- then I'm going to
expand my comfort zone by doing things that are uncomfortable.

You have three choices in aim. Choose the one that best fits your
goals and situation.

The way this works out when you're new is you will tend to be
uncomfortable in most social situations; therefore, you should aim
to break your comfort zone in all them. You will also be
uncomfortable doing the things you need to do to make new friends
or meet new women; thus, your aim should be to break your
comfort zone here too.

As you get more comfortable meeting new people and in various

social situations, you then change your aims more to having a good
time (when out with a group of friends) or achieving results (when
out by yourself or with a wingman).

It's very simple to tell if you have the right aim or not: to do it, all
you do is ask yourself whether you achieve your aim when you
socialize. If you're satisfied with your social outings, you've used
the right aim. If you're unsatisfied with your outings, your aim is
wrong, and you should choose another.

Reinforcing an Aim
You need to actually set goals for an aim to truly adopt it.

For instance, if you're in the habit of breaking your comfort zone, yet
tonight you're going out with a group of friends and it's supposed to
be a chill night out, you need to be able to say to yourself "Tonight is
just to have a good time. No experiments, nothing weird or different,
just having fun."

By telling yourself the aim for the night, you reinforce it. Here are a
few example objectives you might use to reinforce your aims:

Break Comfort:

"Today I'm going to start conversations with three new

people. That's the goal."

"Tonight I'm going to tell a few girls they're naughty during

conversations, just to see how they respond."

"Today I'll practice my street stops. I haven't done these in

a while and I'm feeling a little rusty. I'd like to get over some
of the approach anxiety I have around them now."

Have a Good Time:

"Today at the tennis court with my pals is just about having

a good time. Not trying to meet cute tennis girls (though I'll
chat them up if they're there) or trying to achieve any
result. Just play tennis, hang with my friends, and have
 fun."

"Tonight when I go to Jordan's party I'm just going to focus

on being a fun guy and having a good time."

Achieve a Result with Another Person:

"I'm going out today to get at least one girl to have a 10-
minute conversation with me."

"Today I'm going to get a date with at least one new girl."

"Tonight I'm pulling a girl home with me."

You should only break comfort on items that lie just outside
your comfort zone. You should only seek to have a good time in
scenarios you can legitimately have a good time in. You should
only seek to achieve results with people you can realistically
hope to achieve. This is critical.

If you go out telling yourself "I'm not comfortable inviting women

home, so I'm going to invite a girl home each day for the next week",
but you're not yet able to even make it two minutes into a
conversation with a woman you've just met, let alone get to the
point where you'd invite her home, you're skipping ahead too far.
Set a more achievable goal.

If you're not even able to have a good time at a regular party with
familiar people yet, and tonight your friend is taking you to some
wild party where you don't know anyone, don't go with an aim of
"I'm going to have a good time" to that party. Instead, tackle it as a
'break comfort' outing instead (at least until you get used to parties
like it).

If you're going out to talk to new women, and you have the aim
rolling around in your head that "Today I'm going to meet my future
girlfriend" or "Tonight I'm getting laid!" yet you aren't even
comfortable making an approach to a girl yet, you're getting ahead
of yourself. Work on breaking comfort instead, or, if you must keep a
'results from another person' aim, make it an achievable one for
where you're at: "Today I'm going to get into a small conversation
with an attractive woman."

Keep your objectives manageable and realistic to avoid freezing up

due to the impossibility of achieving too-big objectives.
Manageable, realistic objectives also let you avoid the
demoralization that happens when you set goals that are too far
ahead, then conclude you have no way to reach them and are stuck.
There's one more thing we haven't discussed: recognizing
subconscious aims.
Because you might say to yourself "Today I'll work on breaking out
of my comfort zone." Yet deep down you're still really hoping you'll
get XYZ result from a girl. You'll know this is the case if you do the
'break comfort' thing you had planned, yet don't get a hoped for
result from a girl, and end up disappointed.

You know you have subconscious aims if you feel resistance

trying to adopt a different kind of aim. e.g., if you've chipped
away at your comfort zone on various things in various ways for
months, and logically you know it's time to challenge yourself to get
some social results... but when you try to tell yourself to do so, you
have a strong feeling of "No; I need to keep chipping away at my
comfort zone"... there's an excellent chance you have a
subconscious aim that's overruling your attempt to adopt a new
(different) aim.

What do you do when you realize that? When you should pursue
results but just want to have fun, or should have fun but just want to
break comfort?

What you should try to do is to work within whatever framework

you're already in. Like so: say you have a 'break comfort' aim
subconsciously embedded in you. But you need to start going for
results with girls instead. How do you get yourself to do that? By
making the result you'll go for the subject of a comfort break. e.g.,
"Well obviously I am uncomfortable going for results. So it's time to
break out of my comfort zone on that. Today I'll go for this specific
result."

You can reframe any aim into another aim:

You'll have a good time by doing something unfamiliar to break

your comfort zone
 You'll get results by having a good time while out

You'll break your comfort zone by going for results you don't
normally go for

And so on.

You want to get your aim right. Because your aim is a major
determinant of whether you take the right actions to get where you
want to get to or not.

The wrong aim can seriously derail you, by guiding you in the wrong
direction. Yet the right aim can give you wings.

Get your aim right, find a realistic objective to reinforce it, and get
yourself getting results, having a good time, and blowing past your
comfort zone.

Chase

About the Author: Chase

Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of

being alone. So, he set to work and read
every book he could find, studied every
teacher he could meet, and talked to
every girl he could talk to to figure out
dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends
(plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He
will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program
in his One Date System.

GET CHASEʼS ONE DATE SYSTEM

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