“The Third Wheel”

A scene from Spice and Wolf

*In this scene, Willow has a very reactive, physical role. It is important that the actor
playing Willow has an impeccable sense of humor and is effective with their stage
business and timing. Actor 1 and 2 must be oblivious yet aware of how they are
affecting Willow.

1: I hate to repeat myself, but I can’t help but think us running into each other was a
divine adventure. If it hadn’t been for you Norah, I wouldn’t have this silly smile at
the moment. So, thank you, I appreciate it.

2: Thank you Lawrence. And I’m also very grateful to you. I’m so glad we got to meet.

1: Me too, but really, I should –

2: No, I should –

(Willow puts down mug, annoyed)

1: You shouldn’t. I was the one who asked you to help me out with that whole crazy
gold smuggling business.

(Willow glares over, annoyed as ever)

1: And to be perfectly honest, I’m actually kind of shocked you went through with
the whole thing.

2: I am, too. I never imagined I could do something like that. It’s funny. I am strange,
aren’t I? (2 takes a sip from her mug; 1 looks at her and then at the ground, smiles)
I’ve been thinking I’d have to do something radical one day. I always knew I could
never be dependent on the church forever. You’ve helped me break away from them
and that is why I’m so thankful.

1: I’m not as great as you think I am. Merchants have a tendency to be egotistical.

2: So do shepherds for that matter. It’s true.

(Willow slams down mug again)

1: You are having tea aren’t you, Willow?

Willow: Your presence doesn’t mean I can’t drink tea alone. That I can’t enjoy my
own presence within a sea of filthy noise, a little pack of flies buzzing in the ears of
intellects. Alone.
2: I do wish you’d join us in our conversation.

(2 and Willow stare for awhile; Willow finally smiles and lets out a content sigh)

1 (directed at Willow): Hold on, are you already tired?

Willow: Me? A wise wolf who can consume an entire lake? It’s impossible on such a
small amount.

1: Alright, it seems our friend prefers to be left alone.

2: But –

3: After I drink a bit more tea, I shall join your conversation. So until that time –

2: Of course, we’ll wait.

1: What were we talking about? (waiter brings food) Oh wow.

2: Wow, it looks so good! Thank you.

1: You want some, Willow?

Willow: You said you’d leave me alone, and that is all I want (smug smile)

1: Right. I’m so sorry… Where were we?

2: Let me see, I think we were debating who was more thankful.

1: Right, but what was it before that?

2: Oh, I think it was about holistic living and Pink Himalayan rock salt.

1: Ah, of course that’s it, now then. I had no idea sheep could find rock salt.

(Willow scowls and drinks more tea)

2: Yes, its surprising how they enjoy it actually. For example, if you rub salt lightly
on a rock, they will lick it well after the salt is gone.

1: I wonder if that old story is true?

(Willow reacts annoyed)

2: What story do you mean?

1: I’ve heard there’s a town east of here that uses a particular type of torture
involving sheep. I never imagined it could be true before now.

(Willow holds head it exhaustion/annoyance)

2: Torture involving sheep?

1: Yes, it’s pretty funny believe it or not. Basically what they do is tie up their
criminals and rub a bunch of salt on their feet (Willow wakes up, wide eyed).

2: Rub salt on their feet? Mmm, mm (2 begins to eat meat; 1 blushes; Willow
grimaces).

Willow (breaks 4th wall): This guy will never cease being an idiot.

2: Oh excuse me… What happened after they rubbed them with salt?

1: Well, the sheep licked the salt off, and –

Willow: And what?

(Both 1 and 2 look shocked that Willow has responded)

1: They say at first the criminals laughed uncontrollably because they were being
tickled, “Hahahah NO stop, stop stop, no no no!”

Willow: That’s so messed up… how unusual.

1: (with a crazy look in his eyes) Yes, it’s very unusual. Especially when you take into
account that the sheep won’t stop licking once the salt is all gone from the cirminals’
guilty feet. What do you think happens then?!

2: Gee, I don’t really know…

(Willow mocks 2 as they say previous line)

1: The criminal would be reformed through laughter and spread nothing but joy to
all of those around them. And they’d live happily ever after.

(Willow scowls)

2: You’re so silly.

(Willow buries hands in their face and walks out; 1 and 2 look oblivious)