Quiet Confidence

Thriving in a World Full of Noise

Lily Woi
LILY WOI

QUIET CONFIDENCE
THRIVING IN A WORLD
FULL OF NOISE

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Quiet Confidence: Thriving in a World Full of Noise
1st edition
© 2023 Lily Woi & bookboon.com
ISBN 978-87-403-4508-7
Name and title of reviewer: Anjali Gudhka, Career Coach
and Co-Founder of UKAN Coaching

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QUIET CONFIDENCE Contents

CONTENTS
About the Author 6

Introduction 7

1 Meaning, Values and Outcomes 8

1.1 Defining Your Version of Success 8
1.2 Core Values 8
1.3 Behavioural Preferences 12
1.4 Summary and Key Exercises 14

2 Reframe your Potential 15

2.1 The Power of Mindset 15
2.2 It Was Never About Introversion 15
2.3 Crafting Your Story 16
2.4 Summary and Key Exercises 18

3 The Language of Confidence 19

3.1 Quiet Confidence 19
3.2 Common Filler Words 20
3.3 Summary and Key Exercises 22

4 Introverted Strengths & Challenges 23

4.1 Play to your Strengths 23
4.2 Embracing your Weakness 25
4.3 Create the Environment where you Thrive 27
4.4 Summary and Key Exercises 27

5 Who’s in Your Boardroom? 28

5.1 The importance of Community and Tribe 28
5.2 Who are your Boardroom Members? 28
5.3 Summary and Key Exercises 29

6 Networking - The Icky Word 30

6.1 The Power of Networking 30
6.2 But Networking is Scary… 30
6.3 Networking Cheatsheet 31
6.4 How to build your community and network your way to success? 32
6.5 Summary and Key Exercises 32

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QUIET CONFIDENCE Contents

7 Creating Space to Speak 33

7.1 Listen Better to Speak More 33
7.2 How to Buy Time? 34
7.3 Stop Censoring Yourself 34
7.4 Summary and Key Exercises 35

8 What’s Next 36

Table of Figures 37

References 38

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QUIET CONFIDENCE About the Author

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Lily Woi is a culture change, leadership development and career advancement expert.
Leaders hire her to unleash their success superpower because most lack the vital soft skills
and relationships to advance in their careers. So, she helps re-evaluate, realign, and redesign
their leadership style, expertise and strategy for advancement-ready success. The bottom line
is that what got you here will not get you where you want to be.

Lily has had an unconventional career journey to get to where she is today. She started
with short experiences ranging from corporate taxation with KPMG to migration testing
at Accenture and corporate banking at HSBC before starting her career in consulting
with Deloitte. She worked with global clients to deliver their key strategic transformation
programmes before specialising in culture and leadership development.

The common thread that ties all her experiences together is the people she helped to
advance in their careers in a way that suited them. As an introvert herself, she gets it. She
understands the struggles of not fitting in and feeling excluded, especially in environments
where the loudest person gets heard. Finding the support she needed to step confidently
into her space and become successful in a way that feels right for her has been challenging.

This is why she is so passionate about helping people like her rediscover their career passion,
be the leaders they can be proud of and succeed in their careers. Over the past eight years, she
has worked with global leaders and businesses to shift behaviours, unlock potential, transform
careers and develop courageous cultures. She has coached clients working in multinationals
such as Deloitte, Nest, Hello Fresh, Nike, Pureaffinity, and the British Film Institute and
has appeared in over 13 global conferences and podcasts such as Project Management
Institute, BAFTA, Women of Silicon Roundtable, Seramount and IRM UK. She has also
been featured on Forbes and used to act as an executive contributor for Brainz Magazine.

She is on a mission to help you unleash your success superpower and flourish in your
uniqueness. The question is, are you ready for it?

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QUIET CONFIDENCE Introduction

INTRODUCTION
Lily, you have so many great ideas. You need to speak up!

In my early career, I consistently received that feedback and I dreaded it. I felt my inability
to speak up stopped me from fitting in and being successful in my career. So, I conformed.
I forced myself to be loud, speak more and be the most energetic person in the room. It
was mentally, physically and emotionally exhausting. I did that for so long that I started
to lose my sense of self. Forgetting the real me.

I am sure I am not alone in this.

As introverts, conforming to social standards and culture can be deeply ingrained in us.
This extends both socially and professionally, especially when we are used to seeing outgoing
people get noticed and rewarded more. Seeing your peers jump into conversations effortlessly
or your leaders eloquently sharing their stories, you mistakenly thought it was because they
are extroverted.

However, that is not true. It is a common misconception because the world was not built
for us. Many introverted professionals struggle at work because the workplace is not well-
equipped to offer them the support they need to reach their potential. It may be difficult for
you to believe in your worth because you are introverted. But it was never about extroversion
and introversion. It is not about being more extroverted.

It is actually about your mindset. Shedding the limiting beliefs that society has instilled in
you and reclaiming confidence in yourself will allow you to navigate the corporate world
in a way that works for you.

It is about turning your quietness into an influential power; turning it into Quiet Confidence.
To start harnessing this confidence, you must first uncover the real you. I have been through
this journey. I get how hard it can be.

So here I am, helping you find your voice. Let’s rediscover your authentic self and use your
introversion to your advantage. It is time to regain your confidence to be unapologetically
successful in your career.

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QUIET CONFIDENCE Meaning, Values and Outcomes

1 MEANING, VALUES
AND OUTCOMES

1.1 DEFINING YOUR VERSION OF SUCCESS

What does success mean to you?

That is a question that a lot of people struggle to answer honestly. What tends to happen
is that you measure yourself against another person, following someone else’s definition of
success. The challenge with that is that you don’t know the journey they have taken to get
there. It is not an accurate measurement and it often leaves you feeling frustrated and defeated.

You need to create your own definition of success. That doesn’t mean you can’t have role
models; you can and should. However, instead of copying them, use them as inspiration
and create your own path. In this chapter, we will look at two key elements that will help
you on this journey: Core Values and Behavioural Preferences.

You must first look inwards to define your version of success, figuring out what a meaningful
and purposeful life and career look like. Free from societal and cultural expectations. You
won’t be able to do that until you take the time to discover and know yourself.

To know yourself is the first and the most important step

in pursuing your dreams and goals.

– Stedman Graham

1.2 CORE VALUES

Core values are your fundamental beliefs. The principles that have been guiding your daily
behaviours, actions and decisions.

Stop and think about the past few big decisions you made in your life, i.e., why have you
chosen your current career path or the city you live in. You will start to realise your core
values have a role to play in making those decisions. They’re the HOW you live your WHY.

The tricky thing is that your core values are not something you choose for yourself, nor are
they what you think they are supposed to be. It is something you learn about yourself as
you go through life and gain more self-awareness. It is something that grows with you as
you learn more about yourself and move through different stages of your life.

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QUIET CONFIDENCE Meaning, Values and Outcomes

When you feel stuck and unsure of the best next steps, you can use your core values to get
you moving forward. Knowing your core values helps you make better and more intelligent
decisions that will work in your favour, especially when you are torn between decisions.

The danger of not reflecting on your core values is that you risk simply reacting to
circumstances, which might hold you back in the long run. For example, most people
assume a higher salary means a more meaningful and better life. It does when you are first
starting out but many fall into the trap of chasing after a salary increase without factoring
in what is important in their lives that will make them fulfilled. That is where core values
come into play.

When your values are clear to you, making decisions

becomes easier.

– Roy E. Disney

So, how do you figure out your core values and start living by them?

Here’s a 3-step approach: (1) identify your values; (2) reflect on your values; and (3) realise
your values. We will go into detail about each step.

1.2.1 IDENTIFY YOUR VALUES

Start by considering two types of experiences you’ve had in your life: Peak Experience and
Suppressed Experience.

For your peak experience, think of a meaningful experience you had previously – one that
brings a smile to your face and instantly uplifts you. It doesn’t matter if it is inside or
outside of work.

What was happening? Why was it meaningful?

Then, going in the opposite direction to your suppressed experience, think of a time when
you got angry, frustrated or upset. What was happening? Why were you feeling this way?

Jot down your thoughts. You don’t need to spend too much time here, just enough to give
you a flavour of some of the commonalities across the experiences. Then, with your peak and
suppressed experiences fresh in your mind, take a quick scan and circle all the values in the
table below that stand out to you. Again, don’t overthink it too much. Just circle as many as
you want. If there’s something you think should be on the list but is not, write it down as well.

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QUIET CONFIDENCE Meaning, Values and Outcomes

Acceptance Efficiency Lightness Recognition

Accomplishment Elegance Logic Relationships
Accuracy Empathy Love Relaxation
Acknowledgment Empowerment Loyalty Reliability
Adventure Endurance Meaningfulness Religion
Altruism Enjoyment Mindfulness Reputation
Ambition Enthusiasm Modesty Resilience
Amusement Excellence Motivation Respect
Appreciation Excitement Nature Responsibility
Assertiveness Expertise Novelty Risk-taking
Autonomy Exploration Nurturing Romance
Awareness Fairness Open-mindedness Safety
Authenticity Faith Optimism Security
Balance Fame Order Self-reliance
Beauty Family Originality Self-control
Belonging Fidelity Passion Service
Boldness Fitness Participation Sharing
Bravery Flexibility Partnership Simplicity
Brilliance Focus Patience Sincerity
Calmness Forgiveness Intuition Solitude
Carefulness Freedom Inventiveness Spirituality
Challenge Friendship Joy Spontaneity
Change Fun Justice Stability
Collaboration Generosity Kindness Strength
Commitment Genuineness Knowledge Structure
Community Giving Leadership Success
Compassion Gratitude Peace Sympathy
Competence Growth Perfection Teamwork
Confidence Happiness Performance Thankful
Connection Harmony Philanthropy Thoroughness
Conservation Health Playfulness Tradition
Consistency Honesty Pleasure Transcendence
Contentment Honour Popularity Trust
Contribution Humility Poise Truth
Courage Humour Potential Understanding
Creativity Imagination Power Usefulness
Curiosity Impact Pride Variety
Decisiveness Independence Privacy Vision
Determination Innovation Proactivity Vitality
Dignity Integrity Productivity Wealth
Discipline Learning Punctuality Welcoming
Duty Legacy Purpose Wisdom

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QUIET CONFIDENCE Meaning, Values and Outcomes

1.2.2 REFLECT ON YOUR VALUES

Now comes the challenging part!

With the list of values you picked out, group all related values together. For example, connection,
belonging and intimacy are all related values that can be grouped into a single category.

For each category, select or create the best word that represents it. Using the example above,
I select “belonging” as the best word to represent that group. Don’t worry if it doesn’t make
sense to others, as long as it makes sense to you.

After you’ve completed all of your groupings, it’s time to narrow it down to just three.
Any more than that, and you will start to lose alignment and priorities. It then becomes a
feel-good list and you will struggle to use it to make meaningful decisions. What are the
groups of values most essential to your primary way of living?

My top three groups of values are freedom, community and laughter. These form my core values.

Make sure you choose values that are your own. Don’t choose them because you think
everyone else has them. Your values should enhance your quality of life.

Lastly, sleep on it and revisit it in a couple of days. You won’t figure out your core values in
one day. It takes time. It will also evolve as you learn more about yourself and grow through
more life experiences. There are inherent biases in ourselves that we might not know of.

1.2.3 REALISE YOUR VALUES

When you are satisfied with your three core values, I want you to describe each of them in
one short sentence and explain why they are important to you. You can have the same value
as another person but how you define that value might be different. This is personal to you.

If you are unsure if this is the right description, think about how it feels when you read it
aloud. Does it feel consistent with who you are? Keep refining it until you are happy with it.

My core values:

Freedom: Being able to do what I want, when I want, and with whom I want.

Community: Surrounded by people where support is freely given without question.

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QUIET CONFIDENCE Meaning, Values and Outcomes

Laughter: Experience joy and gratitude every day, even when the going gets tough.

Now it is time to put it into practice. Knowing your values is good but will not make any
difference unless it changes your actions.

Reflect on the past couple of weeks or months — how have you been living your values?
Do you see any areas in your life and career where you can live your values more? Focus
on the values where there is the biggest shortfall between actual and potential.

What small changes can you make today to honour your values more? Make a commitment
to change. Start small and act on it.

1.3 BEHAVIOURAL PREFERENCES

A preference is what you like, generally. It is something that feels comforting and easy
when things tend to come very naturally to you or when you feel you are in the flow.
For example, you may prefer reading over watching movies. This doesn’t mean you won’t
sometimes choose to watch movies. But in general, you will choose to read.

There are no right or wrong preferences. Each has its strengths and its problems. For example,
one pair of preferences is whether you prefer to spend time in the outside world or more
time in your inner world. We call this a preference for extraversion or introversion. Neither
is wrong. You can do both, but you just prefer one.

Knowing your preferences helps you understand more about what motivates you, what brings
you comfort and satisfaction, and what informs your personal and professional choices.

Preferences allow us to have different interests and ways of behaving and seeing the world.
Knowing these strengths and challenges for yourself and others can help you understand
and appreciate how everyone contributes to a situation, a task, or the solution to a problem.

There are four main behavioural preferences. It is based on two variables: Extraversion versus
Introversion, and Data versus Relationship.1

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QUIET CONFIDENCE Meaning, Values and Outcomes

Figure 1 Four Key Behavioural Styles by Bolton and Bolton

You are all combinations of each style. No style is better than any other, and you use each
of the four styles as you go about your daily life. This framework simply helps you find out
which style you tend to gravitate toward most — your comfort zone. With that knowledge,
you can understand your underlying tendencies and preferences, so you know what kind
of work environment will suit you best.

However, it does not mean you can’t learn how to be more of the other style when it is
needed. This is also a great way to learn how to adapt your behaviour to interact with
others more effectively.

Take a moment to reflect on which behavioural preference you fall into and, more importantly,
why.

Consider what kind of environment you need to thrive and perform at your peak and how
you can create more space to use at work.

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QUIET CONFIDENCE Meaning, Values and Outcomes

1.4 SUMMARY AND KEY EXERCISES

We explored the importance of knowing your core values and behavioural preferences. Your
core values help you make better quality decisions, while your behavioural preferences help
you understand the types of environments in which you will perform the best.

However, knowing and understanding your values and preferences is one thing. The key to
unlocking greater confidence and success is by acting upon it.

Review the exercises in this chapter, answer all the reflective questions and take action to
better live your life and career by your core values and behavioural preferences.

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QUIET CONFIDENCE Reframe your Potential

2 REFRAME YOUR POTENTIAL

2.1 THE POWER OF MINDSET

How we perceive ourselves is a reflection of how we live our lives.

This statement perfectly summarises the power of mindset. The way you view and talk about
yourself determines what you will be able to achieve in life.

The mind tends to gravitate towards and notice what we’re aware of. If you only focus
on the negative traits of introversion, that’s all you will notice. That perception has slowly
defined the choices and actions you take. But you are only seeing one-half of the picture.

Take control of how you perceive yourself and evolve it into something that benefits you.
Do not let introversion define what you can become.

In this chapter, I want to help you learn to appreciate, acknowledge and accept your
introversion. Learn to use it to your advantage and craft a compelling career story that
gets you excited.

2.2 IT WAS NEVER ABOUT INTROVERSION

Let me tell you my story.

I am a proud introvert. But that was not always the case.

Growing up, I struggled with accepting that I was introverted. I have always been labelled
as a shy kid, constantly told to speak up, stop being timid and go out more to make
friends. Of course, all this advice was given with the best of intentions, but it backfired.
It is a stigma that I carried with me for the majority of my life, until I was in my early
adulthood. In my attempt to hide it, I constantly tried to be loud and outgoing to be seen
as confident and friendly. It was exhausting.

It was the same when I started my professional career in consulting. Every day I felt like
I was in the wrong industry, like an imposter. At the same time, I felt guilty that I felt
this way. I knew I should’ve felt blessed and fortunate to have landed a job right after my
degree. So, I stuck with it, persisted and kept trying to be someone I’m not. Eventually, it
made me doubt my professional abilities and eroded my confidence massively. I felt that I
had to maintain a positive and happy facade and say yes to almost everything to prove my
value. It was mentally and physically exhausting.

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QUIET CONFIDENCE Reframe your Potential

I don’t think anyone outside my close friend circle noticed anything wrong with me. I’m
always the positive one.

There wasn’t an exact pivotal moment I could remember that clicked for me. It was just
a series of small moments that added up until I had a realisation one day. I have been
looking at this wrong.

It was never about introversion or extroversion. That was the excuse I was using. It became
a convenient way for me to blame everyone else except myself.

It’s because I am a quiet, sensitive and shy person (an introvert) living in a world where
loud, outgoing people who can chat about anything and nothing (extroverts) thrive. Others
don’t get it. It’s easier for them because they’re loud and confident.

But the thing is, I have been looking at it wrongly.

It’s never really about extroversion and introversion.

It’s about your mindset — shedding all the limiting beliefs that society has instilled in
you and reclaiming confidence in yourself to navigate the corporate world in a way that
works for you. It’s about accepting your whole self and leveraging what you have to your
advantage. Free yourself from unhelpful labels. It’s time to reframe and change how you
perceive yourself.

The right question is how I can leverage what I have to my advantage and live my best life.

I have not always been an executive coach. In fact, I never imagined that this would be
THE career for me. Once I addressed what was stopping me from dreaming big, which
was me, I flourished.

Everyone thinks you need to be the life of the party to succeed. All you really need is to
celebrate the party of your life.

2.3 CRAFTING YOUR STORY

What do you think of my story in the last section?

It was a story that took me a long time to feel comfortable sharing.

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QUIET CONFIDENCE Reframe your Potential

It felt like I was exposing all my imperfections. But it is a story that needs to be told to
help me move on and embrace my growth as a person. By sharing this story, I was able to
help others grow and break their own glass ceilings too.

We tell stories every day. Yet we do not tell stories about ourselves when it matters most,
especially about our accomplishments and uniqueness.

Think about it: when was the last time you told a story about your accomplishment?

Does the thought of doing this make you cringe?

Do you dread the thought of bragging about yourself?

Unfortunately, we live in a world where accomplishments do not speak for themselves. I learned
this the hard way. I thought I just needed to keep my head down and work hard, and the
promotions and money would come. That is how I kept being passed over for promotions.

If you do not share your accomplishment, no one will know. Being able to show and speak
about your achievements and value is essential to your career success. And it is more than
listing out bullet points of facts. BORING!

You need to get deep and connect with the people you’re speaking to on an emotional
level. Get them to FEEL the weight of your value and accomplishment. The key is to tell
a story; not any story. YOUR story.

A powerful story hooks them in. It effortlessly convinces them to be your supporters and
champions. This is HOW I got placed into fast-tracked promotion, from being passed for
promotions to being fast-tracked.

Here are the three elements to keep in mind when crafting your story.

Know Your Audience

What do they care about? There is no need to tell them everything. This is about them,
not you. Keep your story relevant to them to keep them interested. If they want to know
how your technical expertise can help them solve their problem, focus on highlighting that
only. There’s no need to talk about all your other fantastic skills! They don’t care.

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QUIET CONFIDENCE Reframe your Potential

Know Your Outcome

What do you want to get out of telling your story? Depending on what you want your
audience to feel or react to, you’ll need to frame your facts differently to lead them to
this specific outcome. Never tell a story without a point. Conversely, never make a point
without a story.

Be Personal
Speak in a way that is authentic to who you are to connect with them on an emotional
level. Dare to be vulnerable—go deep and drop the fairytale ending. Superficiality doesn’t
connect. When I dared to be vulnerable with my clients and share the struggles I had, that
was the point where they started believing in me. It is because I am a relatable person and
not some perfect specimen.

Keep these three elements in mind when you craft your story.

It might feel daunting to start. You might not like your initial drafts but keep going at it.
Your story will go through many iterations and will continue to evolve as you grow and
learn more about yourself. The most difficult part is the start.

Start with a brain dump of your unfiltered thoughts and slowly work through refining and
editing it down to a version you’re comfortable sharing with others.

That is the other important element. You need to share your story. Start small. Test it out
with your close friends and trusted colleagues. Slowly build up your confidence until you
are able to put it out into the world.

Off you go! It’s time to craft your story. I would love to hear it. Connect with me and
send me your story.

2.4 SUMMARY AND KEY EXERCISES

We explored the importance of mindset and perception when reframing your potential. Take
control of how you want to perceive yourself and not let your introversion define it. Instead,
focus on how you can leverage what you have to your advantage to live your best life.

A great way to do that is to craft your career story and share it with the world.

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QUIET CONFIDENCE The Language of Confidence

3 THE LANGUAGE OF CONFIDENCE

3.1 QUIET CONFIDENCE

Confidence comes in all shapes and sizes. Everyone has a different interpretation of what
it feels and looks like, depending on their personality.

The most dominant and prevalent interpretation of confidence is still based on how loud
and outgoing you are. For those who are more introverted and reserved, this is unfortunate.

I want to share another type of confidence. One that fits my introverted personality and
has led me to be who I am today. And that is Quiet Confidence.

Quiet confidence is the inner belief and certainty about one’s abilities, worth, and values.

I can now centre myself on this belief and go about my work and life knowing that I am
capable and that there is no need to prove myself to anyone.

What a powerful feeling.

I’ve managed to build up my confidence to the point where I am unapologetically proud

of who I am. To confidently know that I don’t need to be the first person to speak or the
most or the loudest. Knowing and seeing that a single sentence can be powerful when
combined with value and the belief that I am capable

I created a space for myself and stepped into it with total, unapologetic authority. Quietly
commanding attention and respect. I’m living proof that a shy, sensitive, reserved, introverted
person can exude confidence, be seen, be heard, and be respected by others.

My mentor prompted me on this journey in the early days of my career. He noticed my

struggles and insecurities. He sat me down and told me, “It’s okay if you are not the loudest
in the room.” You don’t need to be loud to command attention or to show you’re capable
and confident. There are many other ways.

Figure out what ways work for you without sacrificing yourself.

Here are three key things to consider as you discover your version of confidence.

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QUIET CONFIDENCE The Language of Confidence

Speak to add value

I must add this as the first. We are often told to speak up. It can often be mistranslated to
say anything is better than nothing. That is not it. Only speak when your point adds to
the conversation. You do this by asking questions. Whether it is to refocus the discussion,
to bring in another perspective, to share your own perspective, to emphasise or reiterate a
point, etc. Don’t ever feel you need to speak just for the sake of it. Take that pressure off
yourself. A valuable insight, perspective or question is more memorable than sharing 10
filler statements.

Know and play to your strengths

To be confident, you need to know with certainty what you’re good at and be able to play
to it. But only for the things you’re actually excited and energised by. Just because you’re
good with numbers doesn’t mean you need to work in a numbers-related profession if you
hate it. Playing to your strengths should leave you with more energy, not less. There’s also
no need to be modest and reserved about what you are good at. Seek out opportunities to
utilise it as much as possible. It adds value to other people’s work and is also a confidence
booster for yourself.

Embrace your challenges

Lastly, it is equally important to acknowledge and accept your challenges. You don’t need
to be a superhero and be good at everything. No one is perfect. Be courageous enough
to embrace your weakness and ask for help. Also, you don’t need to improve all of your
weaknesses. It could also be as simple as surrounding yourself with people who understand
and can help you with what you struggle with. But to do that, you first must embrace it,
be okay with feeling vulnerable and ask anyway.

Here’s to your first steps toward being quietly confident in a world full of noise.

3.2 COMMON FILLER WORDS

As you start your journey to figure out the best way you can shine, I want to share some
of the common words and phrases we used that sabotaged it. Unconsciously.

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QUIET CONFIDENCE The Language of Confidence

These are filler and qualifier words that help us to fit in, blend in, and ease people’s egos
so we can get on with our lives. However, it unconsciously portrays us as unconfident and
not as capable as we actually are.

You need to know how to communicate in a way that conveys confidence. We are conditioned
with bad speech habits over the years without us knowing.

These verbal crutches can damage our confidence and negatively impact people’s perceptions
of us.

Introverts are naturally better at picking up nuances in body language, tone of voice and
facial expression. However, we shy away from sharing it confidently, which gets misinterpreted
as a lack of authority and low confidence.

I want to be clear that it is not about talking more aggressively. It is about tapping into
your inner courage and channelling it outwardly.

Here are five filler and qualifier words and phrases you need to stop using and what you
should replace them with instead.

3.2.1 JUST

It minimises the power of your statements. You’re already subconsciously protecting yourself
against rejection or softening what you’re saying. Stop inserting “just” in your communications.
Re-read your emails and texts and notice how often you actually used this word.

3.2.2 I’M NOT AN EXPERT BUT

We insert this qualifier before we share an opposing opinion because we want to avoid
sounding pushy or in case we are wrong. However, this reduces your credibility. We all have
opinions and observations, and some of them are wrong. No one is perfect. So there’s no
need to point out why you might be wrong even before you say it.

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QUIET CONFIDENCE The Language of Confidence

3.2.3 AM I MAKING SENSE?

By frequently asking this, you’re subconsciously implanting this idea in their head that maybe
this shouldn’t be making sense. You might think you’re encouraging interactions but you
aren’t. If you want to check on people’s understanding, ask it outright. “Do you have any
questions?” “I look forward to your questions.” Full stop. And let them ask it.

3.2.4 OH I DIDN’T REALLY DO MUCH…

When someone acknowledges you or gives you a compliment, say thank you. Nothing
more. You do not need to explain or justify yourself. Accept the compliment. There is no
need to say things like, “Oh, I just got lucky. I did not do much.” They noticed your effort
and accomplishments. Furthermore, they are making an effort to give you a compliment.
Don’t brush it away. Accept it.

3.2.5 SOMEDAY

Everyone procrastinates. It can be starting a project, getting feedback or making a connection.

We put it off and say that someday we’ll get around to it. Stop putting it off. Stop saying
“someday.” Decide when to schedule and put it on your calendar. By using “someday,” you’re
allowing yourself to procrastinate, to delay it to some time in the future when it does not
happen. That day won’t come. If you want to do something, decide when and schedule it.
That’ll get you into action.

3.3 SUMMARY AND KEY EXERCISES

We explored a different type of confidence — Quiet Confidence — and how you can figure
out what confidence looks like to you without sacrificing yourself. It is also time to refresh
the language you use by removing the five most common filler and qualifier words I have
seen used in the workplace.

Make that shift and notice your confidence skyrocket.

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QUIET CONFIDENCE Introverted Strengths & Challenges

4 INTROVERTED STRENGTHS
& CHALLENGES

4.1 PLAY TO YOUR STRENGTHS

Building on Chapter 3, you might think you are at a disadvantage as an introvert living in
a world built predominantly for extroverts. But there are many cases where the quiet ones
have outshined the extroverts. You just have yet to hear about it.

A way to figure out how to shine is to first know and play to your strengths.

Spend most of your time improving your strengths.

Playing to your strengths helps energise you and get you passionate about your career,
ultimately empowering you to achieve greater success. However, not a lot of people are
clear about their strengths.

Understanding your strengths is a crucial step in your journey to figure out what kind of
work lights you up.

A common mistake is to ONLY focus on what you are good at.

NOPE! Your strength is a combination of what you are GOOD at and what you ENJOY doing.

Just because I am good at writing PowerPoint decks does not mean I enjoy doing it.

It is also hard to identify your own unique strengths.

Why?

We sell ourselves short. We tend to assume whatever comes easily to us also comes easily
to everyone else.

We are conditioned to focus on our flaws and how to close the gap. We do not take enough
time to appreciate and celebrate what we are good at.

Case in point: look at a job description now. I can guarantee that 9 out of 10 times, you
immediately focus on the skills you do not have rather than the skills you do have.

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QUIET CONFIDENCE Introverted Strengths & Challenges

It is time to change that. Spend time figuring out what you are good at and how to use it
more often at work. Proactively seek out those opportunities that will leave you with more
energy. Plus, it also adds value to other people’s work. An instant confidence booster!

4.1.1 INTROVERTED STRENGTHS

To help you figure out your strengths, here are the top three strengths I see in introverts
who undervalue themselves.

Insightful
Introverts pick up on the subtle shifts and hints in conversations that extroverts tend to
miss. That is because you tend to listen and observe more, paying attention to details that
will help strengthen relationships, influence change and inspire action. Others tend to be
surprised and touched by how well you understand them and in return, they will listen to
you when you speak.

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QUIET CONFIDENCE Introverted Strengths & Challenges

Self-Motivated
Introverts do not need as much external motivation as compared to others. When doing work
that you enjoy, you are happiest working autonomously without unnecessary supervision.
That does not mean you will not ask for help when needed. You are incredibly productive
when you have your own space to work alone.

Creative
Introverts tend to have vivid imaginations, using their energy inwardly to process information,
organise thoughts and explore different possibilities that others might find difficult. Creative
ideas come when there is time to think. Some of our greatest creative geniuses, like Steve
Wozniak and Dr Seuss, are introverts. Let your creativity shine!

4.2 EMBRACING YOUR WEAKNESS

In Chapter 3, I briefly spoke about acknowledging and accepting the things you find
challenging. There is no need to push through and be good at it. Focus on your strengths and
figure out workarounds that complement and help you minimise what you find challenging.

Here are the top 3 things introverts find challenging and what you can do about them.

The need to recharge

Introverts gather energy through alone time, unlike extroverts, who love social interactions.
Introverts tend to also have a larger personal space and would feel uncomfortable surrounded
by strangers. So rather than sacrificing yourself and pushing yourself to the limit, then
spending the next few days recovering, inform your team and colleagues upfront.

Tell them how to get the best out of you and be unapologetic about excusing yourself from
social interactions when you are close to your limit. They understand and will appreciate
your being upfront about this. However, the first thing you must find out is your energy
limit. There is no need to suffer in silence.

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QUIET CONFIDENCE Introverted Strengths & Challenges

Unassertive
It is easy to let others who are louder and more persistent take charge. It can also be easy
for your voice to be drowned out in meetings when things are moving rapidly. Others might
perceive you as unassertive and lacking in confidence. That is not true. However, that is
how you are perceived. They might say, “You have good ideas, but you need to speak up
more.” But they have not considered that you are quiet because you need time to think
through your response. Rather than trying to vie for attention or force yourself to think
faster, here are two simple things you can do the next time it happens.

One, lean forward and open your mouth as if you were about to speak. It will get you
noticed. Once there is a pause, then you can share your thoughts. Second, if you do not
have time to process what you have heard, do it later. Tell your colleagues. Rather than
keeping silent, tell them, “I have learnt a few new insights that have caused me to question
my initial thought. I need a bit more time to consider it and will get back to you later.”
Nothing more. You have given yourself time and gotten yourself noticed too.

Being put on the spot

One of the biggest challenges introverts face is having people’s attention on them, especially
prolonged attention from people they are not familiar with. Being expected to come up with
answers or ideas immediately makes you freeze. Your mind comes up blank. You instinctively
try to get the attention away from you as quickly as possible, which is normal. Everyone
feels this way, even extroverts.

The trick is how you respond to it. Here are two suggestions to overcome this.

Prepare ahead of time and request the meeting purpose so you can bring your ideas or
questions to the meeting. If you feel you are being put on the spot, embrace it as something
positive. They want to hear from you. If your idea or thought is not fully formed yet, share
your initial thoughts and tell them you will get back to them.

Practice sharing your thought process. Sometimes, that is more useful and productive than
sharing the end results. Share based on what you heard, how your initial idea or thought is
changing and where your head is currently at. That might spark a different idea in others
to continue the discussion. If you say nothing or say you don’t have any ideas, you are
inadvertently shutting down the conversation.

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QUIET CONFIDENCE Introverted Strengths & Challenges

4.3 CREATE THE ENVIRONMENT WHERE YOU THRIVE

The next step is to use your strengths and challenges to create the right environment where
you can thrive. The key to this is communication. A big reason why introverts feel excluded
or diminished in the workplace is that they rarely let others know how to work well with
them. Anything out of our comfort zone causes us to withdraw and try to become the polar
opposite (aka like an extrovert). However, that doesn’t work. In return, you waste energy.

You need to communicate with your team, leaders and colleagues about how they can get
the best out of you and figure out how to work better together.

Learn to discuss important topics such as dealing with conflicts, understanding each other’s
needs and working productively together. For example, your manager might want to sit down
and work it out with you during the meeting. However, you might need prep time and
reflective space before and after the meeting. What’s the compromise? Figure that out together.

It’s not about changing each other or ‘converting’ each other. We are all wired differently. It
is about communicating those differences and finding a middle ground that works for all.

4.4 SUMMARY AND KEY EXERCISES

We explored introverts’ strengths and challenges and how to create environments where you
can thrive. Don’t worry about fitting in. Embrace your uniqueness and work with your team
to create an environment where you can shine. Your uniqueness is more valuable than you
believe. Figure out what ways work for you without sacrificing yourself.

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QUIET CONFIDENCE Who’s in Your Boardroom?

5 WHO’S IN YOUR BOARDROOM?

5.1 THE IMPORTANCE OF COMMUNITY AND TRIBE

The most common misconception I have seen working with professionals and even from
my own experiences, is that my work will speak for itself.

Getting ahead demands more than high performance. Degrees, skills and experience are
necessary but typically not nearly sufficient to get you where you may want to go, especially
in senior and executive leadership positions. So many other factors play into your career
advancement. Things such as a personal brand, relationship skills, networking and visibility.
These unspoken rules can feel particularly daunting, especially if you are the first in your
family or social group to work in a leadership position. Not only do you need to cultivate
yourself, but you also need to make sure others know your value.

It is not just what you know. It is also about who you know, who knows you and what
you are known for. It is a reality that many have not considered.

As you advance in your career, how you make other people feel when they are with you
becomes more important. People know you are technically capable. However, they also need
to be able to see themselves working with you. Relationship competence comes into play here.

The emphasis on building the right relationships is so crucial to your work. In the future,
behavioural skills will have more significant gaps than digital skills. This includes building
the right relationships and networks within and outside your workplace to get you where
you want to be.

5.2 WHO ARE YOUR BOARDROOM MEMBERS?

I first came across this concept in the book Who Is in Your Personal Boardroom?2, written
by Zella King and Amanda Scott.

The personal boardroom concept is about inviting and nurturing relationships with a group
of people who are committed to your success and can help you get to where you want to be.

Their role is to guide you. They will provide honest, unfiltered feedback on your decisions
and be your sounding board when you are stuck. Ultimately, they will always be in your
corner, believing in your potential. In return, you are accountable to them for what you
are doing, enabling you to be the CEO of your career.

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QUIET CONFIDENCE Who’s in Your Boardroom?

You get to decide what your boardroom looks like. I’ve listed a few crucial roles. You can
add more to them later.

• Mentor - someone who guides you in your chosen career or industry path and
shares their experiences and lessons learned with you.
• Coach - someone who supports you to overcome challenges, identify
opportunities and build your confidence.
• Networker - someone who can connect and introduce you to others.
• Best friend - someone who encourages you, helps you recognise your
achievements and motivates you.
• Critical friend - someone who keeps you accountable and constructively
critiques your decisions.
• Role model - someone who inspires you to be a better version of yourself and
aim higher than what you thought you were capable of.

The same person can fill multiple roles. Think about the people you may have previously
worked with or crossed paths with and consider their strengths, style, way of thinking and
background. You want a set of members who can offer diverse perspectives and inputs. For
each role, be clear on why they would make a good member and how you will connect
and nurture this relationship.

If there is one role I want you to fill now, it is that of a best friend. Gallup research shows that
having a best friend at work is key to improving work satisfaction, innovation, collaboration
and having fun.3 Don’t forget the importance of cultivating or finding someone in your
workplace that you can rely on. And from there, start building your personal career boardroom.

5.3 SUMMARY AND KEY EXERCISES

Some of the most important decisions of your career will be made when you are not in the
room. Who is in the room with you and what are they saying?

Go and build your personal career boardroom. I know it is daunting to reach out and
develop these relationships, which is why Chapter 6 is all about relationships and networking.

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QUIET CONFIDENCE Networking - The Icky Word

6 NETWORKING - THE ICKY WORD

6.1 THE POWER OF NETWORKING

What comes to mind when you hear this word?

I can pretty much guess that most, if not all of you, would associate networking with a
negative aspect of your career. I’m here to do my work and networking is an unnecessary part
of it. Why do I need to butter up the senior leadership team to get noticed and promoted?
My work should speak for itself.

But the thing is, your work doesn’t speak for itself. Also, networking is a fact of life in any
career.

Knowing the right people and building the right relationships will open doors to opportunities
that might otherwise be out of reach.

Not only that, networking helps you build confidence and creativity. By growing your
network and building new relationships, you are exposed to new ideas, ways of working
and wisdom from people across all different levels.

In turn, all of this contributes to being able to be better at what you do.

Do not underestimate the power of networking. It takes a collective effort to achieve

professional success.

6.2 BUT NETWORKING IS SCARY…

The thought of going into a crowded room, trying to make conversation, projecting an
image of amazingness and needing to impress someone important can be scary.

Coupled with being an introvert, it now became terrifying.

But networking isn’t that scary.

We often make networking seem more intimidating in our minds than it actually is.

You placed too much meaning behind a word that is leaving you paralysed.

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QUIET CONFIDENCE Networking - The Icky Word

Networking is basically just having a conversation.

A conversation with a new person to get to know them. Nothing more. You only need one
ingredient — a genuine curiosity about the other person.

Rather than impressing, focus on getting curious about the other person.

What’s their story? What life experiences have they had that made them who they are today?

This starts to remove the pressure you place on yourself to impress or worry about what
questions to ask. It’ll put the other person at ease because the other person might be feeling
the same as you or, if he’s a known figure, trying to figure out what you want from them.

6.3 NETWORKING CHEATSHEET

Rather than focusing on tactics, first you must figure out how to network in a way that
fits your personality and style.

Everyone networks differently. It is about creating an environment where you can have a
comfortable conversation with another person.

To do that, you need to figure out what works best for you.

Here’s a list of cheat sheets to help you rethink how to network.

1. Hate face-to-face networking? Try virtual networking.

2. Hate group networking? Organise one-to-one networking.
3. Not feeling talkative? Ask questions and listen.
4. Limited social energy? Plan for short conversations.
5. Feel overwhelmed with the formality of networking? Attend a speed networking.
6. Not sure what to talk about? Attend an industry-specific event.
7. Feel shy to turn up alone? Bring an extroverted friend as your wing person.

Network in a way that feels right for you. This is a crucial skill to nurture because a large
part of your career success is determined by the relationships you cultivate over your lifetime.

They’ll become your mentors, coaches and advocates, giving you access to new opportunities
and helping you get to where you want to be.

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QUIET CONFIDENCE Networking - The Icky Word

6.4 HOW TO BUILD YOUR COMMUNITY AND

NETWORK YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS?
Now that you have started your networking journey, it doesn’t end there.

Maintaining a strong network requires constant nurturing over time and having the right
intention.

Set aside time upfront to nurture your network; think about how much time you can invest
in it consistently over the long term.

Look to add value to your network and help each other shine. Be a networker for your
network, introducing your network to other people. Nurturing your network is based on
mutual support. It is never one-sided.

Relate to them as a person, not just as their job title. Spend time getting to know them
and their aspirations, understand their situation and aim to help them.

Follow up with them if you haven’t heard from them in a while. It’s not too late to start.
If you haven’t spoken to your network in ages, send a friendly email reintroducing yourself
and sharing useful resources they might enjoy.

Lastly, if you need something from them, be honest about it. Ask for it upfront. Don’t have
a hidden agenda because they will be able to tell.

6.5 SUMMARY AND KEY EXERCISES

We have explored ways you can make networking an easier and more fun experience by doing
it in a way that fits your personality and style. It’s also important to spend time nurturing
your network so that, when the time comes, you’ll be able to lean on their support.

Review the tips and strategies in this chapter and get networking!

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QUIET CONFIDENCE Creating Space to Speak

7 CREATING SPACE TO SPEAK

7.1 LISTEN BETTER TO SPEAK MORE

We all want to be heard.

It makes us feel valued and shows that our opinion matters. It’s empowering and validating.
However, no one spends enough time listening.

That’s the key here. It’s counter-intuitive. You might think that to be heard, you need to
speak louder. Actually, it is to say less and listen more.

When I talk about listening, I mean active, quality listening. Listening to understand what
the person is saying and taking it in. Not listening to respond when you have a brilliant
thought to add the minute they finish speaking. You are focusing on yourself and not on
the other person.

When you genuinely listen to another person, they will feel understood and cared about.
You are creating a bond, a relationship, with the other person, who will trust you in return.

So when you do speak, they will listen. What you say will have more impact and be more
relevant to the conversation at hand. Rather than trying to speak more or be louder, focus
on how you can better listen to the other person instead.

That’s a key strength that introverts already have. We are naturally better listeners than most.
However, most introverts don’t tap into these strengths because they are too worried about
formulating the perfect response to speak up.

The trick is to use what you have heard to speak with intention, conviction and impact.

We know introverts prefer reflecting on what is being discussed before sharing it with the
group. There is a gap between hearing what is discussed and being ready to contribute.

You can close this gap by buying time. Give yourself the space and time needed to think.

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QUIET CONFIDENCE Creating Space to Speak

7.2 HOW TO BUY TIME?

Here are a few ways to buy time in common scenarios.

If you need more time to think, say this: “This discussion has raised a valuable insight that
is changing my initial view. I’ll need to think further about it and get back to you with it.”

If your fully formed thought only arrives after the conversation has moved on, say this:
“I know we have moved on. However, what was discussed earlier stood out and made me
realise something. I like to share that with you. Is that okay?” If not, make a note of it and
reach out to the team member later.

If you agree with what everyone has said, don’t keep silent or say you have nothing to add.
Instead, say this: “I agree with what everyone has shared and <insert why you agree with it>.”

If you are stuck in your head and feeling pressured to contribute, take the pressure off
by asking a simple question to put yourself back into listening mode. Use statements like
“When you say <insert what has been shared>, could you elaborate more on it?” Remember,
a few quality inputs make a stronger impact than many jumbled-up thoughts.

7.3 STOP CENSORING YOURSELF

You are your own worst critic.

You have been invited to participate in a meeting for a reason. Someone sees the value
you bring and wants to hear your thoughts. If you are unsure why you have been invited
to a meeting, ask the organiser about the purpose and expectations of the meeting
so you can plan ahead.

Rather than setting a goal and committing yourself to speak, set the goal of being valuable.
Think about how you can add value to the meeting. Depending on the purpose of the
meeting, not sharing your thoughts and opinions is doing the meeting participants a
disservice. You can also demonstrate value by listening well and asking questions.

Speak up early in the meeting. It is as easy as saying “hello” and introducing yourself. It
takes the pressure off and gets your voice heard. If you need to, practise your introductions.

Practise speaking clearly, emphasising the key points. Do not downplay your idea by using
filler language. Re-read Chapter 3. Avoid using statements like “This is just my idea, but.”

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QUIET CONFIDENCE Creating Space to Speak

Find support in the room. Look at the attendees’ list and figure out who is in the room
that can help draw you into the conversation. Enlist their support.

Challenge yourself. A thought does not need to be fully formed for you to share it. Challenge
yourself to start sharing your thoughts when they are about 80% ready. Then work on
reducing that as you gain more confidence doing this.

Lastly, be kind to yourself. Stop worrying about speaking up. The more you worry, the
more you freeze.

7.4 SUMMARY AND KEY EXERCISES

Leverage your listening skills to speak more and learn to buy time to create space to
contribute. Review and practise all the hints and tips shared in this chapter. Confidence
comes when you practise doing something over and over again.

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QUIET CONFIDENCE What’s Next

8 WHAT’S NEXT
Reclaiming your introverted confidence is a journey. It will always be a work in progress
as you figure out how to be a better version of your authentic self each day. This book
has given you guidance to get started. I hope you are taking concrete, positive actions to
change your life.

Remember to celebrate your success along the journey. Celebration is crucial in keeping
momentum and motivation high, especially when things get tough or it doesn’t go as
planned initially.

Keep an achievement log of each win, success, and problem solved, no matter how small
or big. It will help lift you up and get going again.

It’s easy to gloss over your successes because we’re often brought up and surrounded by a
narrative that focuses on pursuing the next thing. You run the risk of feeling like it’s never
good enough.

That is why acknowledging your accomplishments along the way helps to boost your
confidence, which energises you and makes you feel good. It is what will help you achieve
your big goal.

Go now and celebrate your first success, which is completing this book!

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QUIET CONFIDENCE Table of Figures

TABLE OF FIGURES
Figure 1 Four Key Behavioural Styles by Bolton and Bolton 13

37
QUIET CONFIDENCE References

REFERENCES
1. Bolton, R and Bolton, D. (2018). People Styles at Work
2. King, Z and Scott, A. (2014) Who is in your Personal Boardroom?
3. Patel, A and Plowman, S. (2022, August 17). Gallup Workplace. The Increasing
Importance of a Best Friend at Work.
https://www.gallup.com/workplace/397058/increasing-importance-best-friend-work.aspx

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