Welcome to this weeks edition. A little bit of everything to tickle the funny bone.

I really have to wonder who has all the time to

come up with the humour, or wit that circulates.
From the profane to the serious, fact or fiction, it
makes no difference at all, it just keeps coming
from the most unexpected quarters.
Thanks to all who have forwarded what they
consider worth the effort.

This week Nancy and Jennifer, amongst others

have added to the party. Jennifer forwarded a
really great presentation titled “The Man Song.” It
is hilarious, and I will bet dollars to peanuts it will
be saved to file and sent on to friends and
relatives alike.

Just a word to all who get this weekly missive, it is mailed out to about 35 addresses,
and more are asking for it. I think I have created a monster, but the chances are that
some of your acquaintances are getting as well. Ask them if they aren’t, forward it on.

Spiritual leader

A priest and a bus driver both died and went to heaven at the same time. They get to the
pearly gates where St. Peter greets them.
He motions to the priest, and they both hop in a jeep and go out the back door. There are
about 50 acres of rolling hills with a little cottage on the knoll. St. Peter turns to the priest and
says "This will be yours for eternity. A perfect little cottage, right next to a wishing well.
Anything you wish on that wishing well will come true guarantied."
The priest says, "Oh, thank you so much. This I shall enjoy!"
St. Peter drops off the priest, goes back to the pearly gates and motions to the bus driver.
They hop in a stretch limo and go out the front door. There are about 500 acres of land, with
mountains and lakes and rivers. There is a huge castle on one of the mountains with about
200 rooms. St. Peter says "This will be yours for eternity. You can live in that castle with
servants to wait on you hand and foot, and you can have everything you want."
The bus driver looks and St. Peter and says "Well, now, don't think I'm not grateful, but
shouldn't the priest get all this, not me? Shouldn't I get the cottage and 50 acres instead?" St.
Peter just laughs and says "The reason you get all this is because when the priest preached,
everyone fell asleep. Now, when you drove your bus, people prayed!"

"Hey bartender, I bet you fifty bucks I can bite my eye."

Bartender looks at the guy and lays fifty bucks on the bar. The
drunk pops out his artificial eye and bites it, then takes the
fifty bucks. The bartender realizes he should have seen that
coming.
"Hey bartender, I bet you fifty bucks I can bite my other eye."
Bartender saw the guy park his car and walk in the bar and
thinks to himself that there's no way the guy has two artificial
eyes, and accepts the bet.
The drunk takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye and
grabs the fifty bucks while chuckling under his breath. The
bartender again realizes he should have seen that coming.
The drunk then gets up from the bar and seems to be quite secretive about talking to

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the other people sitting around at the tables. Once again, the drunk steps up to the bar
and says, "Hey, bartender? Do you want a chance to win your $100 back?" Hesitantly,
the bartender asks what he has in mind.
"Well, it's like this. I bet you I can get up on one end of the bar and place a shot glass
at the other end. I can pee from the end I'm standing on and get it in the shot glass at
the other end without spilling one drop."
The bartender looks at the length of the bar and decides that no one could pee that far
and accepts the bet. The drunk hops up on the bar and begins to pee. He pees all over
the bar not even coming close to the shot glass. The bartender begins to laugh and
happily scoops up the $100 quite proud that he has won the bet.
The drunk hops off the bar and smiles at the other people. This makes the bartender
suspicious so he asks the drunk, "Hey! You come in here and bite your eye and win fifty
bucks, then, you bite your other eye and win another fifty bucks. Now you knew before
you bet me that you couldn't pee the length of this bar. Why are you so happy about
losing????"
The drunk says, "Before I bet you about the shot glass, I went around the bar and bet
everyone in here $100 that I could get up on your bar and pee all over it..... and, you'd be
happy about it!"

Our world has really gone bananas. Thanks Nancy.

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be
female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from
looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different mirror imaged?)
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers;
the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick?? Make that two.)
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than "going blind!")
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young
virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time... Reason: under Guam
law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes
close to this?)
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only
do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any
manner desired.
(Ah! Justice! Sounds good to me.)
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this
happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the
same time.
(Presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law. Bur how is it done?)
In Maryland, USA, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception:
Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only" in places where alcoholic
beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what? Not as good as Guam!)

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Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling? I often wondered about that.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue...
(Won't touch that one.)
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over
on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of...? -- what government pay for this research?)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez, all six of ‘em?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from
the word "criminal." The second? William Jefferson Clinton.
(Now who took the time to work that one out. We all knew that!)
And, the best for last..... Turtles can breathe through their bums.
(Do you think they have bad breath?)
Sent in by Nancy (last name deleted by request.)

English for travellers abroad

"Bite the wax tadpole."

-Coca-Cola as originally translated into Chinese

"Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave."

-"Pepsi Comes Alive" as originally translated into Chinese

"Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is
please not to read notis."
-In a Tokyo Hotel

"Please to bathe inside the tub."

-In a Japanese Hotel Room

"The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be
unbearable."
-In a Bucharest Hotel Lobby

"Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up."
-In a Leipzig Elevator

"To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more
persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going
alphabetically by national order."
-In a Belgrade Hotel Elevator

"Please leave your values at the front desk."

-In a Paris Hotel Elevator

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"Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M.
daily."
-In a Hotel in Athens

"The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid."

-In a Yugoslavian Hotel

"It is not allow in the hotel room for guest participating in Illicit Arts, banging of
firecrackers, gambling and wrestling".
-Hotel Jincheng (Shenyang, China)

"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."

-In a Japanese Hotel

"You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers,
artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday."
-In the Lobby of a Moscow Hotel Across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery

"Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension."
-In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers

"Our wines leave you nothing to hope for."

-On the Menu of a Swiss Restaurant

"Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup" with cheesy dumplings in the form of a
finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion."
-On the Menu of a Polish Hotel

"For your convenience, we recommend courageous, efficient self-service."

-In a Hong Kong supermarket

"Ladies may have a fit upstairs."

-Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop

"Drop your
trousers here
for best
results."
-In a Bangkok
dry cleaner's

"Order your
summer’s suit.
Because is big
rush we will
execute
customers in strict rotation."
-In a Rhodes tailor shop

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"There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and
sculptors. These were
executed over the past two
years."
-From the Soviet Weekly

"A new swimming pool is

rapidly taking shape since
the contractors have thrown
in the bulk of their
workers."
-In an East African newspaper

"In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter."

-In a Vienna hotel

"Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom,
it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose."
-In a Zurich hotel

"Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time."
-In a Rome laundry

"Would you like to ride on your own ass?"

-Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand

"Stop: Drive Sideways."

-Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan

"Special today---no ice cream."

-In a Swiss mountain inn

"Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts."

-In a Tokyo bar

"We take your bags and send them in all directions."

-In a Copenhagen airline ticket office

"When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at
first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigour."
-From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo

Don’t even ask what that was all about.

My mother and Saddam and this is, no joke.

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How in the name of the United Nations does anyone expect men to find Saddam's stash of
weapons of Mass destruction for God’s sake? We all know that men have a blind spot when it
comes to finding things. For crying out loud! Men can't find the dirty clothes basket. Men can't
find the jar of jam until it falls out of the cupboard and splatters on the floor... and these are
the people we have sent into Iraq to search for hidden weapons of mass destruction? It’s all a
load of Bull Shit!

I keep wondering why groups of mothers weren't sent in. Mothers can sniff out secrets quicker
than a drug dog can find a gram of dope. Mothers can find grog bottles that Dads have
planted in the attic beneath the rafters. They can sniff out a diary two rooms and one floor
away. They can tell when the lid of a bickie jar has been disturbed and notice when a 6mm
slice has been shaved off a chocolate cake.

A mother can smell alcohol on your breath before you get your key in the front door and can
smell cigarette smoke from a block away. By examining laundry, a mother knows more about
her kids than Sherlock Holmes. And if mother wants an answer to a question, she can read an
offender's eyes quicker than a homicide detective.

So.. considering the value a mother could bring to an inspection team, why are we sending a
bunch of old men who will rely on electronic equipment to scout out hidden threats?

My mother would walk in with a wooden soup spoon in

one hand, grab Saddam by the ear, give it a good twist,
and snap, "Young man, do you have any weapons of
mass destruction?"

And God help him if he tried to lie to her. She'd march

him down the street to some secret bunker and shove
his nose into a nuclear bomb and say, "Uh, huh, and
what do you call this, mister?"

Whap, Thump! Whap, Whap! Whap Wham Bang Thanks

m’am! And she'd lay some stripes across his bare arse
with that soup spoon, and then march him home in front
of the whole of Baghdad.

He'd not only come clean and apologise for lying about
it, he'd cut every bloody lawn in Baghdad for nothing for
the whole damn summer, and next year as well.

Inspectors my eye. You want the job done? You should

have called my mother.

(Forwarded by Lorraine. B.)

You have to use your head, or some one else’s

A man who has just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an

expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the
deceased's wife how she
would like the body dressed.

He points out that the man

does look good in the black suit he is already
wearing.

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The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best
in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank cheque and
says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the
viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband
dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit
fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent
job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?" To her astonishment, the
mortician presents her with the blank cheque.

There's no charge," he says.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased
gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday,
and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to
his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he
looked nice.

"So I just switched the heads."

(Submitted by Jen.)

HORSES DON'T SMOKE: From the Sept. 2000 issue of "Japan Traveler" magazine:

"On July 15 Koichi prefectural horse racing officials imposed a 30-day ban on a horse after a
July 3 post-race urine sample had turned up high levels of caffeine, which is prohibited as a
performance enhancing substance.

But the horse owners adamantly proclaimed their innocence saying they had not doped their
horse. High levels of nicotine in the sample created additional suspicion.

Two weeks later, officials issued an apology after the employee who took the sample admitted
that he had topped off the container with his own urine because the horse had not given very
much and he was in a hurry."

YOUNG COUPLE

A young dating couple were driving down the road in a very busy area, when things
started to get somewhat passionate. They decided to pull over and park and have some
fun.

Things were really getting hot, and they were not paying any attention
to what was going on outside. All of a sudden a policeman was tapping
on their window. The cop could hardly contain himself.

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"Didn't you know that you are not supposed to be having sex in public?" he asked the
couple.

Being embarrassed by being caught, they said yes and apologized.

"Well, he said, I will have to write you a ticket."

So the cop wrote the ticket and reminded them next time to watch their behaviour.

After getting dressed, the girl asked her boyfriend what the policeman wrote the ticket
for. He responded, "Doing 69 in a 40 kph speed zone!"

CHINESE BABY

A Chinese couple named Wong had a new baby.

The nurse brings them over a lovely, healthy,

bouncy, definitely Caucasian white baby boy!

"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new

parents. "What will you name the baby?"

The puzzled father

looks at his new baby
boy and says..........

"Well, two Wongs

don't make a white,
so I think we will
name him Sum Ting
Wong."

Come on guys, the girls are putting it over

you.