Snoring Dog

A couple have a dog that has a horrible snoring problem when

it sleeps. The wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the
woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.
"Yeah, right!" she says.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as
usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself,
she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties to
carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring!
The woman is amazed! Later that night, her husband returns home
drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls
asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So she
goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles.
Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.
He wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the
toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused and
as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.
He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were, or what we
did, but by God, we took first and second place.

God damned fridges!

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day,
though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been
asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I
came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell
something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been
hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing,
25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but
wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off.

So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of
course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the
bushes, stunned but OK. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and
threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to
me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his
story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every
morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something,
because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below

1
me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I
thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could
until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I
just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was
thinking I was going to be OK, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly,
and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter
explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. "Picture this," says the third man. "Well, I was
hiding inside a refrigerator ..."

The world before computers

Before computers.... was there ever a time?

 An application was for employment

 A program was a TV show
 A cursor used profanity
 A keyboard was a piano!
 Memory was something that you lost with age
 A CD was a bank account!
 And if you had a broken disk, it would hurt when you found out!
 Compress was something you did to garbage
…Not something you did to a file
 And if you unzipped anything in public
…You'd be in jail for a while!
 Log on was adding wood to a fire
 Hard drive was a long trip on the road
 A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
 And a backup happened to your commode!
 Cut- you did with a pocket knife
 Paste- you did with glue
 A web was a spider's home
 And a virus was the flu!

I Guess I'll stick to my pad and paper and the memory in my head. I hear nobody's been killed in a
computer crash

-…But when it happens they wish they were dead!

Four gay guys walk into a bar and start arguing over whose penis is longer. Well the bar tender finally
got sick of hearing them arguing so told them he had a way to solve this problem. He told them to stick
their penises on the bar and he'd tell them whose was bigger. Well just as the put them up there,
another gay guy walks in and yells "I'll have the buffet!"
--

2
 Did you hear about the guy in Paris who almost got away with stealing several paintings from the
Louvre? After planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only two blocks
away when his Econoline van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and
then make such an obvious error, he replied: "Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van
Gogh." ... and you thought I lacked De Gaulle to tell a story like that.

Out of the mouths of babes

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how
sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the
wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of
God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating "Daddy, what
are those two spiders doing?" she asked "They're mating," her father replied "What do you call
the spider on top?" she asked "That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered "So, the other
one is a Mommy Longlegs? " the little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute
and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs"

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped
them flat "Well, we're not having any of that poofter shit in our garden" she said.

Dream on my son.

Harry did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden,
he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a cowl standing in front of his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom? ... and who are you?" he asked "This is not your
bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven" "WHAT!?? Are you saying I'm
dead? I don't want to die... I'm too young" said Harry "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back
immediately" "It's not that easy", said St.Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a hen. You can
choose on your own.."

Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has
a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad "I want to return as a hen"
Harry replied.

And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But man, now "he"
felt like the rear end was gonna blow... then along came the rooster "Hey, you must be the new hen on
the farm" he said "How does it feel?"

"Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up" "Oh that!" said the rooster "That's only
the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before??" "No, how do I do that?" Harry asked
"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can"

Harry clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'Plop' and an egg was on the
ground "Wow" Harry said "that felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better
believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife
shout:

"Harry, for Goodness sake wake up, you're shitting all over the bed!"

3
How would you react?

Duane rents an apartment in Sydney, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox.
While he is there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes
wearing a robe. Duane smiles at the young lady and she strikes up a conversation with him. As
they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing on underneath. Poor
Duane breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places
her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He goes with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing
her robe to fall off completely.

Being completely nude, she purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" The
flustered, embarrassed Duane stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out,
"Oh, it's got to be your ears!"

She's astounded, "Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They are full, don't sag, and they're 100
percent natural. My buns - they are firm and don't sag, and have no cellulite. Look at this skin, no
blemishes or scars. Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?"

Clearing his throat once again, Duane stammers, "Outside when you said you heard someone
coming? That was me"

This just goes to show - never EVER make a woman angry...

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day,
she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at
their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a
pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into
each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of
the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the
house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents
were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during
which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive
wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in
the house. The maid quit...

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though
they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and
eventually, even the local Realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum
of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting
house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to
reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back...

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th
of what the house had been worth...But only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed,
and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

4
A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company
pack everything to take to their new home... including the curtain rods...

Never let success go to your head.

A highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically knocked

down by a Bus and killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where
St. Peter welcomed her: "Before you get settled in," he said, "We
have a little problem... you see, we've never had a Human Resources
Manager make it this far before and we're not really sure what to do
with you" "Oh, I see," said the
woman "Can't you just let me in?"

"Well, I'd like to," said St Peter, "But I have higher orders. We're
instructed to let you have a day in hell and a day in heaven, and then
you are to choose where you'd like to go for all eternity"

"Actually, I think I'd prefer heaven", said the woman "Sorry, we have
rules. " at which St. Peter put the HR Manager into the downward
bound elevator.

As the doors opened in hell she stepped out onto a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a
country club; around her were many friends - past fellow executives, all smartly dressed, happy,
and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old
times. They played a perfect round of golf and afterwards went to the country club where she
enjoyed a superb steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil, who was actually rather nice, and she had a wonderful night telling jokes and
dancing. Before she knew it, it was time to leave; everyone shook her hand and waved goodbye as
she stepped into the elevator. The elevator went back up to heaven where St. Peter was waiting
for her "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing, which
was almost as enjoyable as her day in hell.

At the day's end St Peter returned "So," he said, "You've spent a day in hell and you've spent a
day in heaven. You must choose between the two"

The woman thought for a second and replied, "Well, heaven is certainly lovely, but I actually had
a better time in hell. I choose hell" Accordingly, St. Peter took her to the elevator again and she
went back down to hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a
desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends dressed in rags, picking up
rubbish and putting it in old sacks.

The Devil approached and put his arm around her "I don't understand," stuttered the HR
Manager, "Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course, and a country club, and we ate
lobster, and we danced and had a wonderful happy time. Now there's just a dirty wasteland of
garbage and all my friends look miserable"

The Devil looked at her and smiled "Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff!"

5
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish.........................................49

Adventurous...........................Slept with everyone

Athletic.....................................No tits

Average looking.....................Ugly

Beautiful..................................Pathological liar

Contagious Smile...................Does a lot of pills

Emotionally secure..............On medication

Feminist...................................Fat

Free spirit.................................Junkie

Friendship first........................Former slut

Fun............................................Annoying

New-Age..................................Body hair in the wrong places

Old-fashioned........................No PJs

Open-minded.........................Desperate

Outgoing.................................Loud and Embarrassing

Passionate..............................Sloppy drunk

Professional...........................Bitch

Voluptuous.............................Very Fat

Large frame..............................Hugely Fat

Wants Soul mate.....................Stalker

------------------------------------------------------------------------

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No

6
2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need = I want.

5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry

6. We need to talk = You're in trouble

7. Sure, go ahead = You better not

8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later

9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!

10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think
about?

------------------------------------------------------------------------

MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = Let's have sex now

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you

8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you

9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you

10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you

11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

If you watched the wedding on TV, you know this is true... Charles and Camilla never
kissed. That's true. They did not kiss! That's because in England a lot of people still do
not approve of same-sex marriages.

7
They always have the last say.

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day when the man looks over at his wife
and says, "Your butt is bigger than the barbecue!" With that he proceeded to get a measuring
tape and measured the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured
his wife's bottom. "Yep, I was right... your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!" The
wife chose to ignore the husband. Later that night in bed the man was feeling a little frisky.
He made some advances towards his wife who completely brushed him off. "What's wrong?"
he asked. She answered, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one
little weenie?!"
--
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate
hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made
worse by the fact that, from the next room, he Hears his little friend shouting out cries of
"Here I come again ONE, TWO, THREE... UUH!" all night long. In the morning, the second
dwarf asks the first, "How did you go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply
couldn't get an erection." The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I
couldn't even get on the bed!"

Ah! Memories are made of this.

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her
robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot
cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She
watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter,
dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from is coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so
caring and sensitive. "Yes I do," she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming
easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband
continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry
my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'" I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said...

"I would have gotten out today."

WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast
knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and probably would have a present for
me. As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well,
that's wives for you, the children will remember.

The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling
pretty low and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss. Happy Birthday". And I felt
a little better that someone had remembered.

8
I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day
outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!" We went to lunch. We didn't
go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and
enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back
to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's
go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't

mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something
more comfortable." She went into the bedroom and, in about six
minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake followed
by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing
Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there - on the couch - naked...

A man walking along a California Beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly, the sky opened and in a
booming voice, God said, "You have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant You one
wish."
Man: "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want.
God: "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous
challenges involved, the supports to the bottom of the Pacific, the
concrete and steel involved. It will exhaust every natural resource
I have made. Take more time and think of something that would
honour and glorify me."
Man: "Then I wish that I could understand my wife. To know how
she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives the silent
treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's
wrong and how I can make a woman truly happy."
God: "You want four lanes or eight on that bridge?"
(P.S. I think I have a couple of people in mind who might just be
the person who was on the beach.)
**********
I suppose you heard the one about the Siamese twins that couldn't be separated at birth, so they grew
up together as one. They didn't share the same sexuality, one of them was a homosexual but
unfortunately they only had one arse hole…… Bet you can’t guess which one had it!

Have a History Teacher Explain This.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.

John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.

Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

9
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.

Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Now it gets really weird.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.

Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808. Lyndon

Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.

Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.

Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Now hang on to your seat.

Lincoln was shot at the theatre named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln' made by 'Ford.'

Lincoln was shot in a theatre and his assassin ran and hid in a
warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a
theatre.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here's the kicker...

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland. A week before Kennedy was
shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.

Thank you to all the donors for this week. Just keep them coming.
If you have heard them seen them read them don’t worry the
world is full of yarns, quips, and stories. Just remember a good
journalist never lets the truth stand in the way of a good story.

Judging by the standard of journalism in Australia at the moment I

quite believe it. There nothing that sells papers quicker than a
good beat up.

10