One fine day mister rabbit goes running around the forest and he sees a giraffe rolling a big

fat juicy joint and says "giraffe giraffe! why do you smoke puff? Come run with me and get fit
instead" so the giraffe stops rolling his reefer and runs with the rabbit . Then they come
across an elephant doing big fat lines of charlie on a mirror . The rabbit says "Elephant
elephant, why do you do drugs? Come run with us instead and get fit ." So the elephant stops
and goes running with the two then they come across a lion preparing a syringe of smack
"Lion lion" cries the rabbit, "why do you do drugs? come run with us instead." The lion with a
mighty roar squashes the little rabbit to smithereens. "NO!" the giraffe and the elephant cry
"why did you do that? all he was trying to do was to help you out!" The Lion says "Bloody
rabbit always makes me run around this friggin’ forest when he's done a few pills of speed."

--------------------------------------------

This one is apparently a true story...

This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the
groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to:
thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He
especially wanted to thank the bride and groom's families for coming and to thank his new
father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception. He wanted to thank everyone for coming
and bringing gifts and everything. He said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just
him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was a manila envelope, including the
wedding party. He said that this was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open the
envelopes. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with
the bride. He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail
them weeks prior to the wedding. After he stood
there and watched the people's reactions for a
couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and
said "F--- you," he turned to the bride and said F---
you," and then he turned to the dumbfounded
crowd and said, "I'm out of here." He had the
marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning.
While most of us would have broken off the
engagement immediately after finding out about
the affair, this guy goes through with it as if nothing
was wrong. His revenge: making the bride's
parents pay over $32,000 for the 300 guest
wedding and reception. Letting everyone know exactly what did happen. And best of all,
trashing the bride and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends, their entire
families, i.e. their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews, etc. This guy
has balls the size of church bells. This is his world, we just live in it.

( I just love your work, mate!)

--------------------------------------------

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he
decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it. The first one goes out
and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure,
pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you
because I love you so much." The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD
player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts
for you with the money because I love you so much." The third one takes the $5000 and
invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and
reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I
love you so much." The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the
money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest boobs.

--------------------------------------------

1
A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He
rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he
says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone,
but just as he's dialling, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's
hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and
storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife and rips open the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor. "You jerk,"
yells the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes
on scaring the kids!"

--------------------------------------------

Look out here come the Blonde jokes.

A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which

was which. A neighbour suggested that she cut the tail of one
horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail
caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the
other horse's tail and our blonde friend was stuck again. The
neighbour suggested she notch the ear of one horse. That
worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire
fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart. The
neighbour suggested she measure the horses for height. When
she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2
inches taller than the black one.

--------------------------------------------

2 blondes walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a
sample bottle. Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it. "That's quite nice innit, don't you
fink Trace" "Yeah what's it called?" "Viens a moi" "Viens a moi, what the fack does that
mean?" At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come
to me'" Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again saying..... "That doesn't
smell like come to me, does that smell like come to you?"

--------------------------------------------

A blonde is driving down the road. She notices that she's low on petrol so she stops at the
petrol station. While she's pumping her petrol, she notices that she locked the keys in the car.
So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a coat hanger so she can attempt
to open the door herself. She goes outside and begins to jemmy the lock. Ten minutes later,
the attendant goes outside to see how the blond is faring. The blonde outside of the car is
moving the coat hanger around and around, while the blonde inside of the car is saying, "A
little more to the left...a little more to the right!!"

--------------------------------------------

Two blondes were working on a house. One, who was nailing down siding would reach into
her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in. The other
blonde, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
The first blonde explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed TOWARD me, I
throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!" The
second blonde got completely pissed off and yelled, "You MORON!!! The nails pointed toward
you aren't defective! They're for the OTHER side of the house!!"

--------------------------------------------

2
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat
hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat
hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's
starting to rain, and the top is down."

--------------------------------------------

A blonde woman competed with a brunette woman and a redheaded woman in the Breast
Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the
redhead second. The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being
revived with blankets and coffee she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I think those
other two girls used their arms.

--------------------------------------------

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair. She
goes to a gun shop and buys a revolver and, the next day she comes home to find her
husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.
The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"

--------------------------------------------

A couple with their young son decided to spend a day at a nude beach. After an hour in the
sun, the father went for a walk while the son played in the water. After a while the boy came
up to his mother and said, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The
mother said, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So the boy went back to play.
Minutes later the boy returned and said, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than
Daddy's." The mother said the same thing: "The bigger they are, the dumber they are... " so
the boy went back to play. Several minutes later the boy ran back to his mother and said,
"Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw, and the more he talked, the
dumber he got..."

--------------------------------------------

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AUSTRALIAN.

She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She does not GET YOU EXCITED-She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.
She is not KINKY - She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.
She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

3
He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
DESTINATIONS
He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION
He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL
RELATIONSHIPS
He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL
He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION
He is not a SEX MACHINE - He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED
He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES - He has an INTROSPECTIVE GRAPHIC
MOMENT
He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN

--------------------------------------------

This Jelly Bean walks into a bar and gets talking

to a Smartie. After a few beers the Smartie says
"Ere, do you fancy going to that new club in
town?" Jelly Bean says "No mate, I'm got a soft
centre, I always end up getting my head kicked
in." So Smartie says "Don't worry about it, I'm a
bit of a hard case, I'll look after you." So Jelly
Bean says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look
after me." and off they went. After a few more
beers in the club, three Vapour Drops walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under
a table, the Vapour Drops take one look at Jelly Bean and start kicking him, punching him and
generally having a laugh. After a while they get bored and walked out. Jelly Bean pulls his
battered Jelly Bean body over to the table and wipes his Jelly Bean blood up and turns to
Smartie and says "I thought you were going to look after me?" "I was!" says Smartie, "But
those Vapour Drops are f…..g menthol !!!"

--------------------------------------------

A man, on his way home from work, came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself,
"Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving." He notices a police officer
walking back and forth between the lines of cars, so he rolls down his window and asks,
"Officer what's the hold up?" The officer replies, "John Howard is just so depressed about his
personal life - the thought of moving with Janette back to Lane Cove and the state of
disruption amongst his natives that he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the freeway
and he's threatening to douse himself in petrol and set himself on fire. He says his family
hates him and he doesn't have the money to pay for the new house renovations. We're taking
up a collection for him." "Oh really? How much have you got so far?" "About three hundred
litres, but a lot of people are still siphoning." (how many litres did Peter Costello donate?)

--------------------------------------------

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he

turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman
beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are
both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your
heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies,
"If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

--------------------------------------------

4
An Aussie is having his 'petit dejeuner' (coffee, croissants, bread, butter & jam) when
an American man, chewing gum, sits down next to him. The Aussie ignores the
American who, never the less, starts a conversation. American: "You Aussie folk eat
the whole bread??" Aussie (in a bad mood): "Of course." American: (after blowing a
huge bubble) "We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect
in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia."
The American has a smirk on his face. The Aussie listens in silence. The American
persists: "D'ya eat jam with the bread??" Aussie: "Of course." American: (cracking his
gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit for
breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and left overs in containers, recycle them,
transform them into jam and sell the jam to Australia." The Aussie then asks: "Do you
have sex in America?" American: "Why of course we do", the American says with a
big smirk. Aussie: And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
American: "We throw them away, of course." Aussie: "We don't. In Australia, we put
them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to
America."

--------------------------------------------

A jackaroo in Australia was out checking farm fences in his ute when he hit something. He
radioed the homestead for advice. "There's a pig stuck in the bullbars and is still alive but he's
kicking and squealing so much I can't get him free" he said. "Okay," said the boss. "In the
back of the ute there's a .303. Put it up to the pig's head and shoot it. When its body goes all
limp you'll be able to get it off the bullbars and throw it into the bush." About 45 minutes later
the jackeroo called in again, "I did what you said, boss. I shot the pig in the head, he went all
limp and I got him out of the bullbars, no problem. But I still can't go on." "Why not?" asked
the boss. "What's the problem?" "Well it's his motorbike ... the flashing blue light is jammed
under the wheel-arch."

--------------------------------------------

WANTED

A tall well-built woman with good

reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious

But please only read lines 1,3 and 5.

----------------------------------------------

Melbourne, Tuesday 15th March 2005

The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire pit

crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's
decision to take advantage of the Australian
Government's Youth Opportunity scheme and employ
people from Frankston.

The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent

documentary on how unemployed youths from the

5
Frankston area were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without
proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with
millions of Euros worth of high-tech equipment.
John Howard went on record as saying this was a bold move by the Ferrari management,
which demonstrated the international recognition of Australia's employment practices
under his Liberal government. As most races are won and lost in
the pits, Ferrari now has an advantage over every other
Formula I team.

However, Ferrari may have got more than they bargained

for......At the crew's first practice session, the Frankston pit
crew successfully changed the tyres in under 6 seconds, and
then within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged, and
sold the vehicle to the McLaren team for a slab of VB, a
kilogram of speed and some photos of Montoya's girlfriend in
the shower.

The Difference 30 years can make....

1975: Long hair

2005: Longing for hair

1975: Acid rock

2005: Acid reflux

1975: Moving to the Gold Coast because it's cool

2005: Moving to the Gold Coast because it's warm

1975: Trying to look like Liz Taylor

2005: Trying NOT to look like Liz Taylor

1975: Seeds and stems

2005: Roughage

1975: Going to a new, hip joint

2005: Receiving a new hip joint

1975: Rolling Stones

2005: Kidney Stones

1975: Passing the drivers' test

2005: Passing the vision test

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.

The people who are starting university in February across the nation were born in 1987.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

The CD was introduced the year they were born.

They have always had an answering machine.

6
They have always had Xtra, Sky or Optus.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet?

I was asked to pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.
For those with failing eyesight Hi-lite the text by “clicking and dragging” change the
font size to the larger type, that's only for those of you who have trouble reading.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU:

1) have nothing to do

2) own a sharp knife

3) have a large lime

4) own a patient cat

5) drink too much tequila

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to share the fun!

7
Send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...

Subject: Healthy Eating.

a. Can't eat Beef…… Mad cow....

b. Can't eat chicken . bird flu
c. Can't eat eggs ... Salmonella
d. Can't eat pork ... fears that bird flu will infect piggies
e. Can't eat fish ... heavy metals in the waters has poisoned their meat
f. Can't eat fruits and veggies ... insecticides and herbicides

Hmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I believe that leaves Chocolate!!!!!!!!

Remember - - - "STRESSED" spelled backwards is "DESSERTS"

Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate.

$80,000.00 mortgage

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give
you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's
no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he
asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last
night and I heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait
because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an
$80,000 mortgage and no bike!"