Try starting out the week by visiting this website.

The “Amazing Falling Woman”

Someone did an amazing job with this. I know two things about him:

1. This is a geek with too much time on his hands.

2. This geek knows how to model physics.

Check it out. I'm impressed:

http://www.izpitera.ru/lj/tetka.swf
This poor girl is in more trouble than the early settlers. You can manipulate her fall
from grace by clicking on her and dragging her out of trouble, or can you? It is clever,
and will amaze you. Would you believe it, it was developed in Russia.

Maharishi Phucknuckel’s Guide to Zen

o Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do

not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do
not walk beside me either, just f*#k off and
leave me alone.

o The journey of a thousand miles begins with a

broken fan belt and a flat tyre.

o The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal
your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.

o Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren't getting
any.

o Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't

be promoted.

o Remember, no one is listening until you fart.

o Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.

o Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

o If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a
couple of mortgage payments

o Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That
way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

o If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.

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 o Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he
will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

o Have you ever lent someone $20 and never seen that person again? It
was probably worth it.

o If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

o Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreens.

o Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

o Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad

judgment.

o The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back
in your pocket.

o A closed mouth gathers no feet.

o There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman.
Neither one works.

o Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.

o Never miss a good chance to shut up.

o Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

o When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our
arse. From there on in, life gets worse

o The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.

 Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know.

Short and sweet:

A man rushes home, bursting through the front door of his house yelling to his wife
"Pack your bags honey, I just won the Lotto. $10 million of it... Woooohoooo!"

"That's great, sweetie!" she replies, "Do I pack for the beach or mountains?"

"Who cares," he replies, "Just f**k off!!"

Subject: 100 kisses

A Husband's letter to his wife goes like this....
Dear Sweetheart:
I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses.

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You are my sweetheart
Your husband
Allen

His wife replied back after some days to her husband...

Dearest sweetheart,
Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses details.
1.. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2.. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.
3.. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three kisses
instead of the rent.
4.. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him some
other items...........
5.. Other expenses 40 kisses Please don't worry for me, I have a remaining
balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can complete the month using this balance.
Shall I plan the same way for next months, please advise!!!

Your Sweet Heart

Anne

Subject: Cooking Chicken

When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people who just are not sure
how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.

BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN

6-7 lb. (3 -3.5Kgs)chicken

1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT)
Sea salt and cracked black pepper to taste
______________________________

Preheat oven to 350F / 185C degrees.

Brush chicken well with melted butter; salt and pepper to taste.
Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking dish with the neck end toward the
back of the oven. Listen for the popping sounds. When the chicken's ass blows the oven
door open and the chicken flies across the room, it is done.

And, you thought I couldn't cook.

70 yr. old nurse walks into a bank and prepares to endorse a check. She
reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write
with it. She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her
mistake, she says, "Well that's great, just great... Some asshole's got my
pen."

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Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the
best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.

She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and
asked, "How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, " Hardly worth going home is it?"

I've sure gotten old. I've had two by-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees,
fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a
jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to
blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and
feet anymore. I can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. I have lost all my friends. But... thank
God, I still have my driver's license!

A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says,
"Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."
Sir," replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all
in your head?"
"You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it
lowered!"

An elderly woman from South Yarra decided to prepare her will. She told her rabbi she
had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her
ashes scattered over the K-mart.
"K-mart!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why K-mart?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

Letter of Divorce

Dear Husband

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show
for it.
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that
you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you
came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done,
cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came
home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching
the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or
anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever
the case is, I'm gone.

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P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving
away to West Virginia together!
Have a great life!
Your EX-Wife

Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have
been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've
been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that
doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing
that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say
anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favourite meal, you must
have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years
ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was
still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty
dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I
discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us
two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a
reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with
your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope
that's not a problem.

Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

---

Judge: "You say you're petitioning for a legal name change?"

Leon: "Yes, your honour."

Judge: (looking at petition) "I can see why, your nane is Mr... Leon Shitferbrains, is it?"

Leon: "Yes, your honour."

Judge: "And what do you want to change your name to, Mr. Shitferbrains?"

Leon: " Melvin, your honour."

--
A Jewish man went to eat at a Chinese restaurant and started to wonder if there were
any Chinese Jews. So, when the waiter came over to take his order, he asked, "Pardon
me, but I'd like to know if there are any Chinese Jews?" The waiter said, "I don't know.
I go into kitchen and ask manager." After taking his order, the waiter went to the
kitchen and returned in a few minutes. He explained to the man, "No. No Chinese Jews.
We have orange Jews, tomato Jews, grape Jews, and pineapple Jews, but no Chinese
Jews."
--

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Five African American men in purple dinner jackets & bow ties were found Floating today
under a pier in New Orleans. DNA tests later identified them as The Drifters. Rumour
has it they were “Under the boardwalk, down by the sea.” - C’mon you oldies think about
it!

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating
Ireland's draw with Germany. Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking anymore
tonight, Paddy" Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then." Paddy spins around on
his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step
towards the door and falls flat on his face. "Shoite, Shoite!"

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and
some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door
frame.

He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and
takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He falls flat on his face. "Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin'
focked," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawled to the door and shimmies up
the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way". He crawls up the stairs to his
bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and
falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Mary, comes into the room carrying a cup of tea and says,
"Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?". Paddy says, "I did Mary. I was
fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?" "Mick called. You left your wheelchair at the pub
again."

One evening after work several guys were going out to have a drink and they were trying
to convince a married friend that he should come, too.

"I can't," the man said, "my wife would kill me." After 15 minutes of persuasion by his
friends he finally caves in and goes. Later, looking at his watch, he realises that it is
midnight and he still has not gone home. He immediately rushes home trying to figure a
way out of the trouble he's in.

Upon his arrival, he walks into the bedroom and sees his wife's legs sticking out of the
covers. "I know!!!" he thinks to himself and he crawls in between his wife's legs under
the covers and performs oral sex on her until she is 'satisfied'

"That should do it," he thinks and he walks into the bathroom to wash his face. He turns
on the light and THERE IS HIS WIFE... sitting on the toilet.

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"What are you doing in here?!" he impatiently screams. "SSShhhhhh! she says, "You'll
wake your mother!!!!!"

A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman
patron and ordered a glass of Champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about
that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"? He turned to her and said, "What a
coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating." "This is a special day for me,
too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman. "What a coincidence," says the man.

They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have
been trying to have a child. Today, my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!" "What a
coincidence," says the man.

"I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally
fertile." "That's great," says the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I
switched cocks," he replied. "What a coincidence," she said. "So did I!"

It's the spring of 1957 and peter goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with
his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him
in." Carrie's not ready yet. Why don't you take a seat?" he says.

Carrie's father asks Peter what he's going to do. Peter replies that they will probably
just go for a soda and on to the pictures. "Why don't you take her out for a screw? I
hear that all the kids are doing it!"

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Peter so he asks him to repeat himself. "Yeah
all the kids are doing it and Carrie really likes to screw. She'll screw all night if you let
her."

A few minutes later, Carrie comes down stairs in her little poodle skirt and said that she
is ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Peter escorts his date out the front
door.

About twenty minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house slams the door behind
her, and screams at her father: "Dad, it's called the TWIST!"

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks
up and says to the monkey "Hey! What are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a
joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a
while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the
river.

At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A
Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side. He then
asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?!" The lizard explains to the crocodile that
he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained

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how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink
from the river, he fell in!

The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds
the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says "Hey,
MONKEY!" The Monkey looks down and says "F***CK, DUDE... how much water did you
drink?"

In Jerusalem, a female journalist

heard about a very old Jewish man
who had been going to the Western
Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday,
for a long, long time. So she went to
check it out.

She went to the Western Wall and

there he was!

She watched him pray and after about

45 minutes, when he turned to leave,
she approached him for an interview.

"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir,

how long have you been coming to the
Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.

I pray for all the hatred to stop, and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and
friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a darn wall."

(And boy you don’t have to be at the Western wall in Jerusalem to know all about that
either.)

Believe it or not, this little lot has come from the

BIG ISLAND this week. Enjoy, and take care.