GETTING OLD

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out,
or spread out. (Yep! Been there, and doing that.)
There are three signs of old age- - - The first is your loss of memory, the other two I
forget. (What was that all about?)
You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't
have to go along.
Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work.
Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't
that the darndest time for a bloke to get those odds?
You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.
Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the
middle. (I can relate to that.)
Of course I'm against sin; I'm against anything that I'm too old to enjoy. Billy Graham
has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends. What must hell possibly be
like? Home videos of the same reunion? God forbid.
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead
of by the police. (Don’t you just love that one.)
Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you
home earlier.
You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care
to exercise.
At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative.
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you but it is nice
to dream a little.
The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Parliament.
You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the car park. Damn
what happened to the chicks?
You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.
You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent, and you don't know until the
Australia day weekend.
You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do
anything the night before.
The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out! It's BAD FOR YOU!
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a
hypochondriac. Take another pill, it will make you stand straight. VIAGRA!
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.
Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money. Good move that one.

So you need something to get you laughing eh? Well try this one
for starters.

A guy was working in his garden over the weekend and looking around, he realised that he
couldn't find the rake. He looked up at the bedroom window and saw his wife was about
to take a shower.

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He yelled up to his wife, "Where is the rake?!!" She couldn't hear him, so she shouted
back, "What?!!" He pointed to his eye, then to his knee and made a raking motion. When
his wife wasn't sure, she called out "WHAT???!!!" He repeated the gestures, "Eye -
Kneed - the Rake"

His wife signalled with a thumbs-up that she understood and signalled back. She first
pointed to her eye, then to her left breast, then she pointed to her butt, and finally to
her crotch.

Well, there is no way in hell he could even come close to that one. Exasperated, I went
upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that???" She replied, "Eye - Left Tit -
Behind - the Bush"!!!

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy
standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring a t him looks down and says:
"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle,
Turner Brown."

The white man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to. Shaking him the big guy says, "What's wrong
with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to
the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20
inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my
name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Turner Brown?! Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn AROUND!"

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he
has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him. Then he gets an idea. He calls
his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are
coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach 'Ole Blue how to
talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?" "Just
send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."

So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the
money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

"So how's 'Ole Blue doing, son?" his father asks. "Awesome, dad, he's talking up a
storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with
this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that
program?". "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money.

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The boy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can
neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all
excited.

"Where's 'Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!" "Dad," the
boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, 'Ole Blue
was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he
usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around
with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!"

One afternoon a little girl returned from school and announced that her friend had
told her where babies come from. Amused, her mother replied "Really, sweetie, why
don't you tell me all about it".

The little girl explained, "Well... Okay... the Mummy and Daddy take off all of their
clothes and the Daddy's thingy sort of stands up. Then the Mummy puts it in her mouth
and then it sort of explodes, and that's how you get babies."

Her mum shook her head, leaned over to meet her, eye to eye and said, "Oh, darling,
that's sweet, but that's not how you get babies... that's how you get jewellery...!"

A bus stops, and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated
conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is
galvanised when she hears one of the men say the following...

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two
asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta
time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this Country,
we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives..." "Hey, coola down lady," said
the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella
'Mississippi'."

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor of a small town in Ireland. One day he was
walking down the street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub
drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy about this, so he walked through the open
door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. "Miss Fitzgerald", he said sternly,
"This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you
home?"

"Sure", she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from
the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far
too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost
their balance and tumbled to the floor.

After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss

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Fitzgerald,
her skirt hiked up to her waist. The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oi mate, we
won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor
Fluff."

The landlord nodded and said, "Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish."

There is no accounting for some people and the

things they do.

This little gem has been overseeing all that I do at the

computer for the past twelve months. A Christmas
present from a family friend who gets a weekly dose
of mirth.

Trouble is I don’t know if the look on the face is one

of despair, reproach, or pure boredom. Which ever it
is, it becomes a bit un-nerving at times.

The poor bugger took a fall off his perch the other
day and snapped off the two horns. One of our grand
daughters who is nine was terribly upset that “Poppy’s”
figurine had taken a tumble, and that she may have
been responsible. Amy sweetheart, he is as good a new
with a counter weight attached to see that it won’t
happen again.

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing their life options in the
event of one of them becoming mentally incapacitate, and he says to her, "Just so you
know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and on fluids
from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." His wife got up, unplugged the
TV and threw out all his beer.
--
The husband had just finished reading the book, 'MAN OF THE HOUSE'. He stormed
into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said,
"From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I
want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I
expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my
bath so I can relax, and when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me
and comb my hair?" His wife replied, "The bloody funeral director would be my guess?!"

A big-city, Sydney, lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tasmania. He shot a bird, but it
fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the
fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and I'm going to
retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over

4
here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the Australia.
and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in
Tasmania. We settle small disagreements like this with the Tasmanian Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Tasmanian Three-Kick Rule?" The farmer replied, "Well,
first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth,
until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could
easily take the old codger so he agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller.
His first kick hit the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly
wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's
third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said,
"Okay, you old bastard! Now, it's my turn!" The old farmer grinned and said, "No way, I
give up. You can have the duck!"

A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the
word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the
word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said
"The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because
sometimes it's grey and cloudy".

Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass
doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The
teacher looked at him and said "No... But that isn't really a question you want to ask in
class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."

This story happened a while ago in Brisbane, and even though it sounds like an Alfred
Hitchcock tale, it's true.

John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road hitch hiking on
a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went
by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he
saw a car, slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and
without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, just to realize there was
nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on! The car started moving slowly. John
looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for
his life. Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and
turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand appeared every
time they came to a curve.

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John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength, jumped out of the
car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and asked for two shots of
tequila. He then started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went
through.

A silence enveloped everybody when they realised he was crying and wasn't drunk.

About 15 minutes later, two guys walked into the same pub. They were also wet and out
of breath. Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the
other, "Look, Bruce... here's the f@#*&~§g idiot that got in the car while we were
pushing it."

An elderly Irish woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband's
sex drive. "What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor. "Not a chance," says Mrs.
Murphy, "he won't even take an aspirin for a headache."

"No problem," replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee and he won't even taste it. Try
it and then call me in a week to let me know how things go."

A week later, Mrs. Murphy calls the doctor and he inquired as to how things went. "Oh,
faith and bejaysus and begorrah, it was terrible doctor!" "What happened?" asked the
doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped the Viagra into his coffee. The effect was
immediate.
He jumped straight up, with a gleam in his eye and with his pants bulging fiercely! He
swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes and then proceeded
to make wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was TERRIBLE!"

"TERRIBLE? What was so terrible about it?" said the doctor. "Was the sex not good?"
"Oh no, doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show
my face in Starbucks again!"

Three Aussies were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Bluey.

Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says,
"Someone should go and tell his wife." Bluey says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive
stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Victorian Bitter. Bruce says, "Where
did you get that, Bluey?" "Steve's wife gave it to me," Bluey replies. "That's
unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"

"Well not exactly," Bluey says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must
be Steve's widow'. She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.' And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of VB
you are...!!"

A young girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party by herself. Since she was
very good- looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her. Her mom

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said, "It's very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him, 'What will be
the name of our baby?' That'll scare them off."

So off she went. After a little while at the party, boy started dancing with her, and
little by little he started kissing her and touching her. She asked him, "What will our
baby be called?" The boy found some excuse and disappeared.

Some time later, the same thing happened again: a boy started to kiss her neck, her
shoulders. She stopped him and asked about the baby's name, and he ran off. Later on,
another boy invited her for a walk. After a few minutes, he started kissing her, and she
asked him, "What will our baby be called?"

He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off. "What will our baby be called?" she
asked once more. He began to have sex with her. "What will our baby be called?!" she
asked again.

After he was done, he took off his "full" condom, gave it a knot, and said, "If he gets out
of this one... Call him David Copperfield!"

An Aussie died and went to heaven. (can you believe that?) As he stood in front of St.
Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What
are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every
time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a
lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice,
telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's John Howard's clock?" asked the man.
"John Howard's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Explanation of the term BLACK MARKET: In medieval England there were nomadic
mercenaries who wandered the country side and would sell their services to the highest
bidder. These were hardened fighters who lived solitary lives in the wilderness. They did
not have the luxury of servants to polish their armour and it would oxidize to a blackish
hue, and they came to be known as black knights. At local town festivals they would have
exhibition jousting matches in which the winner of the fight would win the loser's
weapons and armour. The local gentry, softened by the good life, would lose to these
black knights. The nomadic knights didn't have much use for an extra set of armour and
would sell it back to them immediately after the fight. The losing nobility would be
forced to buy back their armour and this after market came to be known as the "Black
Market" (submitted by Gonzalo).

A reader’s comment: Isn't it kind of strange that if "black market" is a medieval term,
the Oxford English Dictionary doesn't show it as having been first used until 1931 in
"The Economist." Come on, this is garbage. Funny garbage maybe, but garbage none the
less.

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 That's a wrap people. I'm all done and if
you're reading this it means you made it all
the way to the bottom. For me this is
usually a good sign that I'm doing
something right, but so if you'd like to
return the favour for the love of god start
emailing people about this absolutely
fantabulous weekly edition.

Well it sounds good in theory anyway. Till

next week, cheers all.

Madame Lash sends her regards to all, and

as usual is a study of absolute beauty.
Disagree at your peril.

Bye!