A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Before long, she told him she was pregnant.

Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy
and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know that the baby is born?" she asked.
"Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back, I'll take care of the expenses."
Six months later the doctor’s wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you
received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand
what it means."
The doctor said, "Don't worry. I'll explain it when I get home."
Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a
heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to hospital. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the
wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
The wife picked up the postcard and read: “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, and Spaghetti. Two with
sausages and meatballs, one without."

During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says

to her students, "If you were courting a well educated young
girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you
needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies, "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss." The

teacher says, "That would be very rude and improper on your
part."

Johnny replied, "I'm sorry I need to go to the

toilet, I'll be back in a minute."

The teacher says, "That's much better but to

mention the word "toilet" during a meal, would be
unpleasant.

So Charlie says, "My dear,

please excuse me for a moment. I
have to go shake hands with a
personal friend whom I hope to
be able to introduce to you
after dinner." The teacher
passed out.

Contrary to popular opinion, duct tape IS NOT good for

fixing everything!

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 -----------------------

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He
walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "You know
that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an
erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up,
"I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried
I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my
leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show".

"Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang
her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?" "I kicked her in the face."

By the time the Lord made woman, He was

into his sixth day of working overtime..
An angel appeared and said,
"Why are you spending so much time on this
one?"
And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my
spec sheet on her?
She has to be completely washable, but not
plastic, have over 200 movable parts, all
replaceable and able to run on diet coke and leftovers, have a lap that can hold four children
at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart -and
she will do everything with only two hands."

The angel was astounded at the requirements.

"Only two hands!? No way!
And that's just on the standard model?
That's too much work for one day.

Wait until tomorrow to finish."

But I won't," the Lord protested.

"I am so close to finishing this creation that is

so close to my own heart.

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 She already heals herself when she is sick AND can work 18 hour days."

The angel moved closer and touched the woman.

"But you have made her so soft, Lord."

"She is soft," the Lord agreed, "but I have also made her tough.
You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."

"Will she be able to think?" asked the angel.

The Lord replied,

"Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason and negotiate."

The angel then noticed something, and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek.
"Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model. I told you that you were trying to put too
much into this one."

"That's not a leak,"

The Lord corrected, "That’s a tear!"
"What's the tear for?" the angel asked.

The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her pain, her
disappointment, her love, her loneliness, her grief and her pride."
The angel was impressed.
"You are a genius, Lord. You thought of everything! Woman is truly amazing."

Lipstick on the Mirror

According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria.
recently was faced with a unique problem.

A number of grade 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it
on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they
would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove

them and the next day, the girls would put them
back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be

done.

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 He called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. He
explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to
clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked the maintenance man to
show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned

the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

Never, ever, hold your farts in.

They travel up your spine, into

your brain, and that's where you
get all your absolutely shitty
ideas from.

Women's A$$ Size Study

There is a new study just released by the Australian Psychiatric

Association about women and how they feel about their bums.
The results are pretty interesting:

1. 85% of women surveyed feel their bum is too big.

) (
( )( )
2. 10% of women surveyed feel their bum is too small.

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 )(
( )( )

3. The remaining 5% say they don't care; they love him;

he's a good man and they would have married him anyway.

Four Catholic Mothers

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone
calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room,
people say, 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal.
Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this
subtle "Well...?"

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard bodied, well hung, male stripper. Whenever
he walks into a room, women say, "My God...."

Seeing as how we have all become a part of the Computer age, here is some reminders
about some of the questions frequently asked of Internet Service Provider’s Technicians.
All of us realise we are on a steep learning curve trying to come to terms with the
technology, and age doesn’t help one bit, or the fact that you just happen to be a blonde
gone a tad grey over the years.

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Some of the glossary of terms represented an entirely different meaning thirty years ago,
now they can mean something else altogether.

Oh yes, the last comment still holds true today. If you haven’t got it, how could you
possibly flaunt it? But then there was also an old saying with an element of truth.
“Long and thin will get you in, but short and thick will still do the trick.”
What ever all that means is perhaps beyond me.

The next pages are the cartoons depicting the sort of problems they get, and their
reactions after ending the call to help line.

“Oh bloody hell, not another windows up date!”

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“Wonder if Bill Gates would make it more user friendly so us Orang’s
could make head nor tail of it.”

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So OK now that these blokes have had their say, they have the know how, we don’t.
If you don’t ask, you’ll never find out!
General Motors Corporation’s reply to Microsoft’s Bill Gates.

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way the computers have
enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer Expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly
compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, “If GM had kept up with
technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got
1,000 miles to the gallon.

In response to Bill Gates’ comments General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM
had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following
characteristics (and I just love this part):
1. For no reason what so ever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the highway for no apparent reason. You would
have to pull to the side of the road, close all the windows, shut off the car, restart
it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would
simply accept this.

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 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut
down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as
fast and twice as easy to drive – but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature warning lights would all be replaced by a single “This car
has performed an illegal operation” warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask “Are you sure?” before deployment.
8. Occasionally, for no apparent reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and
refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key
and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all
over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old
car.
10. You’d have to press the “Start” button to turn the engine off.

S dear friends pass this around your friends who for some good reason or another love –
but hate - their computer.

A cowboy by the name of “Texas George” rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a
drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he left
the bar some time later, he realised that his horse had been stolen.

“Texas George” rushed back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it
above his head without even looking, and then fired a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my
horse!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished,
I'm gonna do what I did back in Texas. And let me tell you, I don't wanna have to do what I
did back in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

“Texas George” had another beer, and then walked outside to find his horse was back. So,
he saddled up and prepared to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and said, "Say partner, what happened in Texas
anyway?"

“Texas George” turned back and said,

"I had to walk home!"

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 CIGARETTES and TAMPONS who needs ‘em.

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him
and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his
wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of
cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused,

"Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"

He answers, " You see, it's like this... yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a
carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers;
because it's soooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she."

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady. Standing at the coffee
machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her "Your hair smells nice." After a week
of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the
personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment
grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and
asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells
nice?" The woman replies, "It's Keith, the dwarf."

This week you have been subjected to a broad range of topics. If you have a story or item
worth passing on, the email address is available on the cover email this was attached to.

That’s your bloomin’ lot till next week, when I will try to do a better edition.

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