The Friday Aggravate 9th June 2006

Global warming
becoming a major
issue for world
scientists.

Recent surveys
have found
convincing
evidence of the
warming of the
world oceans, and
the lack of rainfall
in the major
continents.

Three guys at a classy golf course are waiting for their friend to show up in
order to complete their foursome. After waiting several minutes and at risk of
losing their tee time, the three notice an oddball standing by the clubhouse all by
himself, carrying a bag of clubs. The three of them look at each other, shrug their
shoulders and figure, "Why not?"

They ask the stranger if he would like to play with them, and with a thick Italian
accent, he agrees. While playing on a green, one guy asks, "So, what do you do
for a living?" The Italian guy responds, "I'm a hit man." Not believing the guy,
they begin to laugh.

"No, I'm not kidding," he replies, "take a look at my sniper rifle here in my bag, it
costs $1000 every time I pull the trigger." The three golfers begin admiring the
rifle and the huge scope that is on top. The first guy jokingly says, "I bet I can
see my house from here with that thing!"

As a friendly gesture, the hit man hands him the gun and says "Here, take a
look." The first guy takes the gun and looks toward his house through the scope,
just past the next hole.

"Hey!" he yells while looking through the scope, "My wife is naked with the
neighbour and they are kissing!" He asks the hit man, "How much for you to pull
the trigger?", the hit man replies, "$1000."

The guy then yells, "Okay, I'll give you $2000; I want you to shoot my neighbour
in his penis for obvious reasons and I want you to shoot my wife in her mouth for
always nagging me!"

With that, the hit man takes his rifle, loads it, and takes aim toward the guy's
house. He is sitting there for a long time, just looking through the scope. The guy
yells, "What the hell are you waiting for?" The hit man says, "Hold on here, I'm
about to save you a thousand dollars!"

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A pale skinned guy (politically correct) is walking along a beach when he comes
across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a
rub.

Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.
The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50
beautiful women He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house.
Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is
covered in $1,000 bills. Then, there's a knock at the door.

He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits.
They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him
by the neck until he's dead.

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde
genies. One blonde genie says to the other one," I can understand the first wish
having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to I can also
understand him wanting to be a millionaire, but why he wanted to be hung like a
black man is beyond me.

A man is driving home from work when he sees a car on the side of the road,
on its roof, and flames all around. He stops his car and walks over to the wreck.
Inside is a beautiful woman in the car who's bleeding to death, so he rushes her
to the hospital. Six months she lies in the hospital, and he is with her every day
and every night. He donated blood regularly to keep her alive.

Eventually, she recovers fully, and they get married. Life is good for a few years,
until one day she gets fed up and decides to leave him. He only loves money, and
she knows she is just a trophy wife.

She comes down the stairs, struggling with her two suitcases, reaching into her
pocket for the keys to the Jaguar, "I'm leaving you," she says. "Oh really, and
how are you going to leave? The keys in your hand are for the Jaguar I paid for.
It's my car. You are not taking it anywhere."

"Fine," she says, and ! throws the keys at him. "And those bulging suitcases? The
clothes you are wearing? Everything I've paid for. They are my suitcases and my
clothes. You're not taking them anywhere."

"Fine," she says, throws the suitcases at him, strips off her clothes and throws
them at him, too. "And the blood in your body? I sat with you for six months in
the hospital. You know half of the blood is mine. You're not going anywhere."

With that she quickly sticks her hand down the front of her panties, pulls out her
tampon, throws it in his face and says... "I'll pay you back in monthly
instalments!"

Dear Mrs. Johnston, our store is considering banning your family from ever
shopping with us unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offences
over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras.

MEMO Re: Mr. Mark Johnston - Complaints - 15 Things Mr. Mark Johnston has
done while his spouse is shopping:

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1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's cart's
when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, Code 3 in
housewares... and watched what happened.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay
away.
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other
shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and
asks, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked
his nose, and ate it.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the
clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the
"Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using
different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled
"PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumes the foetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while;
then, yelled, very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the

first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO
baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.

She asked Ben what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use Big People' words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo choo." She
said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use "Big People'
words."

She then asked little Alex what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's
WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Alex thought real
hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the
SHIT."

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the
other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a Marine sat down in
the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in
when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke." "Don't
get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you."

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it.
When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good,
I'd really like one, too." Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

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While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in
it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the
plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew
immediately what had happened.

"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This
fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes
and pissing in cokes?"

HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a cup of boiling
water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly
removed.

2. Are you clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the
sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: just cut yourself and bleed for a few
minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mousetrap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling
over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid
to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget
about the toothache.

I will go down on you and make you extremely happy. But only long enough to
make you think it is going to get better. Then I will come back up and root you
like no other!!
Sincerely yours,
Gas Prices.

There were two old men sitting on a park bench passing the day away talking.
One asked the other, "How's your wife?" The second old guy replied, "I think she
may be dead!" The first man asked, "What do you mean you THINK she's dead?"
The second explained, "Well...the sex is the same but the dishes are starting to
pile up."

We have all had bad dates...but this takes the cake. This just tells you
how tough it is to be single nowadays. This was on the "Tonight Show"
with Jay Leno.
Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a

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woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience.
There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold...and the guy had
Taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah.
It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and
Truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until
they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the
mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had
that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere!
With a restroom and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she
try to hold it, which she did for a while.

Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point
where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road,
or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly
crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep
snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the
rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car
watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from
peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the
rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing, however, she
soon became aware of another sensation.

As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks
were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to
pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her
flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new
problem due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of
the humour of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about "what is
taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off
and in need of some assistance!"

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and
then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She,
too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves,
they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was,
they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take
something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place,
both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.

So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his
pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands
down... or perhaps that should be "pants down."

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..............And you thought your first date was embarrassing, "Jay Leno's
comment".

"This gives a whole new meaning to being 'pissed off'."

Birth Control Methods:

Two city girls and one farm girl met with a counsellor before getting married to
discuss birth control methods.
The counsellor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were
they going to wait awhile. They all agreed that they had discussed this with their
future husbands and all agreed to wait awhile.
The counsellor asked the first girl what type of birth control she planned to use.
Her answer was, "the rhythm method"
"That will work if you keep good records".... said the counsellor.
He asked the second girl what method of birth control she planned on using. "I
plan on using birth control pills" she said. Again he said, "Yes, that will work, as
long as you don't forget to take them.
He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. The farm girl
said, "The bucket and saucer method."
After a short pause, the counsellor said, "That should work."
He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on
how things were going. They all met again one year later and the two city girls
were pregnant.
Only the farm girl was slim and trim still. The counsellor asked the first girl,
"What birth control did you use,,,,, and what went wrong???" She replied, "I used
the rhythm method, but somehow my notes got mixed up and ......well here I am
going to have a baby!!!"
He asked the second city girl, "What birth control method did you use and what
went wrong??" She replied, "The birth control pill, but we were camping one
weekend and I didn't
have any pills with me and as you see I too am going to have a baby!!!"
He then said to the farm girl, "I vaguely remember that you were going to use
the pail and saucer method....Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the
pail and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me? I see it worked well for you."

She replied, "Well, we make love standing up, and since

I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail turned upside down.
Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes,,,,,,,, and when they get as big as
saucers..................
I kick the bucket out from under him !!!"

From Smitty Smith comes, Pay-back. A little boy about 12 years old is walking
down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to
the doorstep of a "house of ill repute" and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
"I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it,
and I'm not leaving until I get it," he said.

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The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she asked him
to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"
Of course, the Madam said "No".
The boy said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after getting
it on with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam
agreed and told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes
later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed for the
door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place
with a disease instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going
out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they
leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very
fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When
Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll
throw one into her in the car and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets
home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom
will catch it.
The boy took a deep breath and continued, "In the morning when Dad goes to
work, the milkman will deliver the milk. He'll have a quickie with Mom and catch
the disease... and HE'S the prick who ran over my FROG!"