Boost yourself on: Empathic listening, efficiency, time management,

relationships, negotiation

Foreword

Do you want to increase your level of effectiveness? Do you seek more

wins at work? Or do you try to strike a balance between your professional
and personal life? Stephen R. Covey was an American educator, author,
businessman, and keynote speaker. In “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective
People”, he shows that to improve any aspect of your life, you need to
change yourself first. The best way to achieve sustainable change is to
develop healthy habits. The 7 habits shared presented here are pragmatic
and universal irrespective of who you are or where you live right now.

“To change ourselves effectively, we first had to change our

perceptions.” ~ Stephen R. Covey
 1. The easiest way to improve your personal and
professional life is by developing the right habits

Humans are creatures of habit. Our routines define our character, and they
exert an invisible force on our behaviour. Whatever we do is a function of
our practices. Therefore, the best way to achieve any worthwhile goal is to
train ourselves to do the things that will lead to the goal effortlessly.

There are seven key areas where we all need to pay attention to become
highly effective. We need to learn:

● To choose to be proactive rather than reactive

● To visualize the end of an endeavor before we begin it

● To schedule our priorities rather than prioritizing our schedule

● To seek what is beneficial for everyone involved

● To understand others first so that they can understand us

● To work with others to achieve exponential results

● To keep an effective system running.

Millions of people all over the world are full of praise for this highly effective
book. You too can share in the precious resources embedded in it.
2. Sustainable change comes from character change and not
behavioral change

Real change comes from the inside out. A lot has been written on how to
be successful. A lot has been written on the need to improve your life and
how to go about it. Going as far back as 1776, Stephen Covey found that
the literature can be divided into two major groups:

● Those who promote personality ethic and

● Those who teach character ethic.

The idea behind the personality ethic is that you can learn specific skills
that will produce behavioral change. Learning the intricacies of verbal and
non-verbal communication will bring about desirable change. Personality
ethic provides a shortcut. The only problem with a shortcut is that it doesn’t
endure. Sustainable change does not come from taking the personality
ethic route.

Character change is more sustainable than behavioral change.

The method of personality ethic is superficial. This method is attractive

because it provides a quick fix. To be highly effective for a lifetime, you
need a more dependable approach to change. The character ethic is a
route that leads to lasting growth and consistent success.

Working on our character is not easy. It requires identity change. Our

worldview, belief system, and habits must be adjusted to put us on the right
course for sustainable success. For example, virtues such as fidelity,
integrity, honesty can only come from within. They are not techniques to
learn. They are character traits that come from a particular belief system.
Change your core. But how?

3. The journey towards lasting change begins with a change

in paradigms

Paradigms are the filter through which we see the world around us. Two
people might look at a crowd and see two entirely different things. It is a
function of the paradigm they use. When your worldview is in alignment
with the basic principles upon which the universe operates, you will be able
to navigate life successfully. A person with a negative paradigm will
continually see negativity, while a person with a positive paradigm will find
comfort even in pain.

A paradigm shift is key to character change.

Our set of paradigms determine our character. It is essential to be aware of

what our paradigms are, and then we can learn to shift current paradigms
to those that make us highly productive. Our paradigms can spell the
difference between success and failure in business and relationships.

For example, Covey experienced a paradigm shift one Sunday morning in

a relatively silent subway car. A man and his children boarded, and the
vehicle became noisy immediately.
Surprisingly, the man did nothing to control his “undisciplined children.”
Covey became so irritated by the noise and the reckless abandon of their
father that he asked him to control his children. The response of the man
caused Covey to have a sudden paradigm shift. He said they were just
coming from the hospital where their mother had died. He didn’t want to
control the children because they were all in shock. This answer switched
Covey’s mood from irritation and annoyance to compassion and
a willingness to help. This is the power of the paradigm.

Paradigm shifts are not usually sudden. They require a deliberate attempt
to shift from the way we perceive things to developing qualities that are
universally recognized as charitable.

To be successful, you need to have a worldview that aligns with

universal principles.

These qualities or principles are best seen as natural laws that should not
be violated. A realistic worldview is one that is most closely aligned with
these laws. When we develop personal principles that agree with universal
laws, we will increase our chances of achieving sustainable change that will
help us lead a successful life. “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” will
help us to make a principle-based paradigm. What are these habits?

4. The first habit requires us to exercise our capacity for

proactivity rather than reaction

Being proactive distinguishes us from other animals who simply respond to

external stimuli. The ability to learn and change our natural orientation is
one of the blessings of humanity. Other animals simply react based on their
genetic programming. They cannot analyze stimulus. Humans, on the other
hand, are not slaves to nature. We can respond rather than react to things
that happen to us. Unfortunately, many of us still prefer to be reactive rather
than proactive. What kind of person do you want to be?

What separates humans from animals is our capacity for proactivity.

Reactive people have their behavior and emotions dictated by external

circumstances and feelings. When someone fails to keep their promise to
you, it puts you in a bad mood. When you hail a taxi, and someone else
jumps in, you curse them. Reactive people also fail to take responsibility.
When things do not go as planned, they blame other people or external
circumstances.

Proactive people believe their mood or behaviour is a function of their

internal engineering. Rather than blame others for failure, they seek the
way forward. They view life in terms of two concentric circles, namely:

● Circle of Concern, and

● Circle of Influence.

The circle of concern is filled with the things we worry about. The bills we
need to pay, the loans we need to refund, the weather condition, changing
economic status, etc. This circle is quite big. However, inside this circle is a
smaller circle called the Circle of Influence. This smaller circle contains
things we can change or control. Working on the Circle of Influence makes
it expand. When you focus on things you can change, the things you can
change increase, but when you focus on something you have little or no
control over, the things you can control will decrease.

Proactive people work to expand their circle of influence and shrink

their circle of concern.

Proactivity will make you a highly competent person in the most

extenuating circumstances. Victor Frankl was repeatedly imprisoned in
German concentration camps during World War II. Despite the torture and
deplorable conditions of his prison, he chose to respond rather than react
to his circumstances. His whole focus was on his mind since that was the
only thing he could control. He thought of a future in a better world. He
thought of a happier life and how he would narrate his experiences in the
concentration camps to others. Frankl used the small gap between external
stimuli and action to find his freedom. He exercised proactivity. The
freedom of thought he expressed inspired other prisoners and even some
guards.

You can take on a proactivity challenge for 30 days. Choose to take

responsibility when you are tempted to blame others for your problem.
Focus your energy on seeking out effective solutions rather than playing
the blame game. Remember that the real problem is not the problem but
your reaction to the problem.
5. Learn how to create clear mental pictures because it
enhances flawless execution

We do things twice. First, we conceive an idea in our minds. Then we

execute the same plan in the real world. It can be very costly to act without
first thinking about the cost of the action and the outcome we seek to
achieve.

Before a house is built, a plan is laid out specifying the number of rooms,
layout, size and other intricate details before setting out to execute the task.
You are more prone to mistakes if you set out to erect a building without
careful planning. To win, you must visualize what winning means and then
execute.

Proper planning is the key to the flawless execution of any worthwhile

goal.

Create time for visualization. You cannot feature in a future that you cannot
picture. While there is always the temptation of plunging in, the time spent
creating mental pictures and weighing all the options is a worthy investment
with huge returns.

Write down your end goals and itemize the steps that you would take to
reach these goals. Before you begin, look at the end. Anticipate obstacles
and plan solutions ahead of time. Great athletes admit that they visualize
the competition and how they plan on winning ahead of time. This
visualization helps them to move in the right direction. You will not lose your
way if you ask for directions repeatedly. Do not rush. Plan. Prepare.
Execute.

6. A clear definition of your mission statement will make you

strive to live an effective life rather than an efficient life

If you were to die today, what would you want people to say at your
funeral? How are you living your life? What would the people closest to you
have to say about you? Many of us are working efficiently but not
effectively. We are achieving goals that won’t matter in the end. There is an
old saying that when you do not know where you are going, anywhere else
becomes a destination.

To be efficient is to do so much in so little time. Without a clear goal in

mind, efficiency can become dangerous. You could be making progress but
not in the right direction. It is like climbing a ladder that is placed against
the wrong wall.

To be effective is to pursue things that matter and understand that

everything else is a waste of time and effort. Productive people do not just
achieve random goals. They are intentional in the way they live their lives.
They can see the big picture. They invest their resources in the real deal.

You can become a highly effective person by formulating a personal

mission statement.
A personal mission statement is a document where you define your own
goals and your creed. A personal mission statement clarifies your
principles, fundamental values, and goals. It is the yardstick with which you
measure everything you do. It determines the value you place on activities
in your life.

Having a standard keeps you focused and secure.

Your actions will be guided in the direction of your mission statement.

Building a healthy family, spending more time with loved ones, pursuing
fairness and justice in the society, and exerting a more significant influence
in the political sphere are examples of things that can be included in your
mission statement. Writing a mission statement requires careful
consideration. It should not be something done in a hurry because it will
form the foundation of your life.

7. To become more proactive about your life, you need to

make a habit of scheduling your priorities

There are so many things that jostle for our attention. If care is not taken,
the things that matter will be sacrificed for items that are not so important
but appear to need our urgent attention. Time-management strategies that
many of us apply often make us prioritize our existing schedule. This
breeds efficiency rather than effectiveness.
Make a habit of scheduling your priorities rather than prioritizing your
schedule.

There are urgent things that are also important. Let’s call this Category 1.
Category 2 are important things that are not urgent. Similarly, Category 3
contains urgent things that are not important, and in Category 4, we have
things that are neither important nor urgent. Of these 4 categories, the most
important is Category 2. They are the things that determine how our lives
turn out in the end. Also, as we work on this category 2 activity, we find that
the things that are urgent in our lives will reduce.

Learn the difference between things that are urgent and things that
are important.

To implement this strategy, we need to identify things that fall into this
category in our lives. What are those things that are important to you but
are not urgent? We need to become intentional about allocating time to
these activities.

8. In your interaction with people, seek outcomes that will be

beneficial to everyone involved

Think win-win. In most situations, we try to have the edge over others when
we have dealings with them. We think that someone else has to lose for us
to win. This is a wrong paradigm because two persons with a win-lose
paradigm might end up with a lose-lose outcome. In most situations, there
is usually enough for everyone’s need, but not for everyone’s greed. When
we think win-win, we create positive relationships that will be highly
rewarding in the long run. Make sure everyone leaves the negotiating table
satisfied.

Seek out what’s beneficial to everyone in all your dealings.

For example, if you negotiate a deal with a customer and demand a higher
rate from them, they may be forced to pay this time. Subsequently, they
may take their business elsewhere. However, if you charge a fee that is
satisfactory to both parties, you will have a customer for the long term.
There is no limit to what that partnership or patronage can produce.

To have a win-win mentality, we need to become sensitive and patient.

These qualities will create an atmosphere of mutual trust that will be

beneficial to everyone. Beyond business transactions, our relationships
could use a ‘win-win’ mentality. What can you do, for example, to achieve a
win-win situation in your relationship with your wife, child, parents, or
colleagues at work? Talk to them about trying out the new agreement. Take
action.

9. We can develop good relationships with others by making

deposits in their emotional bank accounts

Goodwill, time, effort are some of the currencies we spend in our

interactions with people. The more of these we put in, the larger the
deposits we make in the emotional bank accounts. Each time we do things
that hurt our relationships with people, we make withdrawals from this
account. Now, the status of our relationships is determined by the balance
we have in our emotional accounts. A positive balance indicates a healthy
relationship. Consequently, it will be easier to solve potential problems.
When there are no deposits in the account, the relationship becomes a
disaster waiting to happen. We will have to watch ourselves around these
people and be mindful of the things we say to them. A wrong word might
cause an eruption.

Maintain a positive balance in your emotional bank account by

keeping your promises.

Empathy and excellent listening skills will help us to come up with win-win
solutions to situations that need attention. When we engage in acts such as
being selfish, not listening with empathy, or breaking our promises, we
make withdrawals.

Personal integrity is another way to make massive deposits. Avoid gossip

as much as you can. Be ready to defend others in their absence. Be loyal
in addition to being courteous and sensitive to their needs.

The second most important need people have is a need to be understood.

The psychological air is second only to physical survival. Let us do our best
to understand other people. They will, in turn, understand us. When you
understand others, you will know what to do to keep your balance positive
in the emotional bank account. Doing something you love and assuming it
constitutes an emotional bank account is not going to cut it. You have to do
something they love, even if you are not a fan of that thing. The investment
is in them and not in the activity. You do not have to be perfect. You simply
need to be honest and be genuine with your apology when you make
mistakes.

When you make mistakes, admit it and genuinely apologize.

10. Do not assume to know what others are going through if

you have not taken the time to understand them

How would you feel if you found out the doctor did not listen to you but
handed you some pills after you’ve said only a few words? What if an
optician gives you his glasses without running some tests to know what
works for you? Indeed, you will take their recommendations with suspicion.
But we do it all the time with others. We hardly listen to understand. We
listen to reply. We project our circumstances and thinking onto them.

Empathic listening is a necessary skill if we want to make a real

impact on other people’s lives.

Empathic listening requires you to immerse yourself in the person’s

reference frame and worldview. You need to be able to feel what they feel
and think about how they think. Communication experts reveal that the bulk
of what we say is hidden in our body language. This means that we need to
look at people and listen to the non-verbal cues and sounds they make in
addition to the actual words. Sometimes, we need to ignore the words.
Seek to understand others, then to be understood.

When we practice empathic listening, people will open up to us more and

take our advice because they will realize that we are in sync with them.
Good listeners usually have healthy relationships. While empathic listening
is a difficult skill to cultivate, it pays enormous dividends.

Did you know? Communication experts say body language and sounds
take up 90% of the things we say.

11. Being respectful and open are essential ingredients for

synergy

When the sum is more than the parts combined, we have synergy. In other
words, 1 plus 1 must be more than 2. Differences in our worldviews and
orientations make synergy difficult, if not impossible. But if we are willing to
admit our differences and recognize individual peculiarity, it may be
possible to tap into the power of synergy. We do not have to think in the
same way or have the same strengths and weaknesses.

Synergy demands that we bring different things to the table. What we

need to do is value what each person brings to the table.

The habits that have been explained so far all build-up to the 6th habit
mentioned here. Taking responsibility, listening to others to understand
them, valuing the contribution of others and applying it to solve a common
problem produces synergy.
David Lilienthal was appointed as the head of the Atomic Energy
Commission after the 2nd World War. He assembled a team of the best
minds in the country. Then, he told them to take the first few weeks to get to
know each other. He came under heavy criticism for doing this.

His goal was to create an atmosphere of trust. This exercise resulted in a

healthy work environment that produced excellent results.

We must go into our interactions with others with pure motives. The
outcome may be beyond our control, but we must remain optimistic and
open.

Synergy requires a healthy dose of self-confidence to make it happen.

Open-mindedness is essential to achieving synergy. We can find synergy in

our relationships with the people we have difficulty relating with if we
combine self-confidence with an open-mind and analyze their views
objectively.

By listening to others and analyzing their views objectively, we may be

able to achieve worthwhile goals with them.

12. Take time out to sharpen the saw in your physical,

spiritual, mental, and social life to remain highly effective

To sustain our effectiveness, we must take time out to recharge our

batteries. It is like sharpening the saw. When lumberjacks cut down trees,
they take time to sharpen the saw so that they can stay effective. The time
spent sharpening the saw is never wasted time. It is a worthwhile
investment. The lumberjack who does not stop to sharpen his saw will not
cut down more trees than the one who did.

There are four dimensions to our lives as humans which need to be kept
sharp.

They are the physical, spiritual, mental and social (emotional) dimensions.

Physically, we need to mind what we eat, engage in regular exercises and

allow only a healthy dose of stress in our lives

Spiritually, mindfulness exercises, prayer, reflecting on our values, mission

statement and principles, checking our set of paradigms are essential
practices.

Mentally, we need to engage our hobbies more and read good books. Cut
down the time we spend watching TV and create something useful.
Journaling, writing poems or letters are some examples. We can also be
involved in planning and organizing events to keep our minds active.

Socially, we can make efforts to build healthy relationships. Participate in

activities that involve other people and show genuine love to them. Make
efforts to live peaceably with everyone. Have a pleasant charm.

Take time to reflect and renew your strength. Evaluating our

performance helps us to see the things we need to work on clearly.
Conclusion

If we want to achieve sustainable effectiveness, we need to develop

healthy habits that will keep us in the right direction for successful living.

Habit 1: Be proactive

We need to assume responsibility for our lives and avoid reacting to

external circumstances all the time.

Habit 2: Begin with the end in mind

We can cut down on time we spend achieving a goal if we work with a clear
goal in mind. A clear mental picture and written steps to achieve our goals
make it easier to get there.

Habit 3: Schedule your priorities

We should learn to identify things that are important to us and focus on

working on them. This will reduce the pull of urgent but not important things
in our lives.

Habit 4: Think win-win

In negotiations, we need to seek what is beneficial to everyone rather than

gaining a substantial advantage over others. The relationship is more
important than getting an extra share of the pie.
Habit 5: Seek first to understand, then to be understood

Before proffering solutions to problems, we must ensure we listen to others

and have a clear picture of the situation, their worldviews and emotions.

Habit 6: Synergize

When we accept help from others, we will achieve goals we would never
have been able to achieve alone. Respect for individual differences and
self-confidence helps us to achieve synergy.

Habit 7: Sharpen the saw

To sustain our effectiveness, we need to take time out to recharge and

reflect on our values.

Practice: Making deposits in emotional bank accounts is vital to building

healthy relationships.

In what ways do you think you can make such deposits in the lives of the
people closest to you to strengthen your relationship with them or mend a
broken one?