Shit jokes

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The worlds' religions according to Shit

Taoism
Shit Happens
If you can shit, it isn't shit.
Shit happens, so flow with it.
Shit is the highest good. When shit happens, it benefits all
things
generously and is without strife.

Confucianism
Confucius say "Shit Happens"

Buddhism

If Shit Happens, it really is not Shit.

Zen
Shit only Happens when it does not Happen.
Shit is, and is not.
What is the sound of shit happening?

Hinduism
This Shit Happened before (and it will Happen again).

Islam
If Shit Happens, it is the will of Allah.
If shit happens, kill the person responsible.
If shit happens, blame Israel.
We don't take any shit.

Sunni Islam
If it happens to be shit, it's Allah's will and you'd better
submit!
Shiite happens.

Shi'ite Islam
WE WILL DESTROY YOUR SHIT!
If shit happens, take a hostage.

Nation of Islam
Don't take no shit!

Protestant
Let Shit Happen to someone else!
If shit happens, praise the lord for it!

Catholic
If Shit Happens, you deserve it!
 You were born shit, you are shit, and you will die shit.

Charismatic Catholic
Shit is happening because you deserve it, but we love you
anyway.

Presbyterian
This shit was bound to happen.

Episcopalian
It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the right
wine
with it.
If shit happens, hold a procession.
It's true, shit does happen -- but only to Lutherans.

Methodist
It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape
juice
with it.

Congregationalist and Unitarian

Shit that happens to one person is just as good as shit that
happens
to another.

Lutheran
If shit happens, don't talk about it.
Shit happens, but as long as you're sorry, it's OK.
Have faith that shit will happen.

Fundamentalism
If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born
again(Amen!
Shit must be born again.

Conservative Judaism
Why does Shit always happen to us?

Judaism
Why does shit always happen just before closing the deal?

Reform Judaism
Got any laxatives?
Shit happens to whom it may concern.

Orthodox Judaism
So shit happens, already!

Atheism
Shit Happens for no apparent reason.
No shit.
What shit?
I can't believe this shit!

Agnostic
I think Shit Happens.
 Maybe shit happens; then again, maybe not.
Did someone shit?
What is this shit?
It looks and smells like shit, but I haven't tasted it, so I'm
not
sure whether its shit or not.
Baptist
I believe Shit Happens! (Amen!)
You are shitting all wrong, and you'll be punished for it.
We'll wash the shit right off you.

Southern Baptist
Shit will happen. Praise the lord!

Shi'ite Baptist
Shit will happen, but only the way we say it will happen and if
it
doesn't happen we will make it happen because that's
God's
will and we know it...

Calvinism
Shit happens because you don't work.

Seventh Day Adventism

No shit shall happen on Saturday.

Creationism
God made all shit.

Televangelism
Send more shit.
If shit happens to a televangelist, it's okay.
Your tax-deductible donation could make this shit stop
happening...

Amish
Shit is good for the soil.
This modern shit is worthless.

Secular Humanism
Shit evolves.

Christian Science
When shit happens, don't call a doctor - pray.
Shit happening is all in your mind.

Quakers
Let us not fight over this shit.

Unitarianism
Come let us reason together about this shit.
Go ahead, shit anywhere you want.

Utopianism
This shit does not stink at all.
Darwinism
This shit was once food.
Survival of the shittiest.

Capitalism
That's my shit.

Communism
Let's share this shit.

Feminism
Men are shit.
This shit happened before, and WE won't clean it up!

Chauvinism
We may be shit, but you can't live without us...

Commercialism
Let's package this shit.

Impressionism
From a distance, this shit looks like a garden.

Idolism
Let's bronze this shit.

Existentialism
Shit doesn't happen, shit IS.
What is shit, anyway?

Stocism
This shit doesn't bother me.

Hedonism
There's nothing like a good shit happening!

Mormons
If shit happens, the Church gets 10%
God sent us this shit.
This shit is going to happen again.
Hey, there's more shit over here!

Scientology
If shit happens, see "Dianetics", p. 157.
Feces occurs.

Jehovah's Witness
Let us in and we will tell you why Shit Happens.
May we have a moment of your time to show you some of our shit?
Shit has been prophesied and is imminent; only the righteous
shall
survive its happening.
Knock, knock. Shit happens.
No shit happens until Armageddon.
There is only a limited amount of good shit.
Here, we insist you take our shit.
Shit happens door to door.
 Open the door and I'll show you what shit is.
Good Morning, I have some shit for you to read.

Hare Krishna
ShitHappensShitHappensShitHappens...
Shit Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding.
She-it happens, She-it happens, happens, happens, she-it, she-
it...
(Repeat until you become one with she-it)
Please this flower and buy our shit.

Rastafarianism
Let's smoke this shit.

Paganism
If you send shit out into the world, it will return to you
threefold.

Stoics
This shit doesn't bother me.

Moon-ism
Only really happy shit happens.

Zoroastrianism
Shit happens half of the time.

Practical
Deal with shit one day at a time.

Satanism
SNEPPAH TIHS.

Nihilism
No shit.

New Age
This shit has an aura.
This shit is all ONE shit.
Shit came to me in a vision...
That's not shit, it's feldspar.
A firm shit does not happen to me.
This isn't shit if I really believe it's chocolate.
I create my own shit.
If shit happens, honour it and share it.
Sheeeeeeeeeeit!
Were all part of the same shit.
For $300, we can help you get in touch with your inner shit.

Astrology
If shit happens, blame Saturn.
Shit is written in the stars.

Wiccan
An it harm none, let shit happen.
If shit happened once, it will happen twice more.
The Goddess makes shit happen.
 Shit happens in various people

George Bush: Read my lips, no nude shit. But a thousand points of

shit.

Saddam Hussein: This shit happening will be the mother of all shit
happenings.

Martin L. King: I have a shit...

John F. Kennedy: Ich bin ein Scheisser.

Vladimir Lenin: The fastest and most complete way to destroy a culture
is
to make its shit happen.

Joseph McCarthy: Are you now, or have you ever been, a happening shit?

Richard Nixon: I am not a shit.

Ronald Reagan: I don't recall if shit happened.

Nancy Reagan: Just say, `Shit happened.'

Socrates: I am shit. But I know I am shit.

Aristotle: Once a shit is stretched by an idea, it never again

happens
in its original shape.

Galileo: They say shit isn't happening. Nevertheless it still

happens

Blaise Pascal: We are just shit. But we are thinking shit.

R. Descartes: I shit therefore I am.

A. Einstein: God does not play shit.

W. Heisenberg: The more accurately we observe when shit happened, the

less
accurately we observe how big the shit was that
happened.

E. Schrodinger: There's a 50% chance that shit happened. And a 50%

chance
that it didn't.

F. Nietzche: If shit had never happened, man would create shit.

Ayn Rand: Reason and shit are corollaries. Where reason is used,
shit
happens.

Sturgeon: 90% of everything is shit.

Yuri Gagarin: Shit was blue.

Neil Armstrong: For me, that was just a little shit. But when that shit
happened, it was one giant leap for mankind.

Bart Simpson: I will not say, `Shit happened' in the class.

Al Bundy: This is shit. This is shit when you get married and
drop
the shit on the ground.

Bill Cosby: Shit is happening to _The Simpsons_.

Buckaroo Bonzai: No matter where shit happens, there you are.

HAL: Dave, I'm in deep shit.

Dr. Chandra, will I shit?

Dave: Oh my god! It's full of shit!

Obi Wan: Use your shit, Luke.

Marty Mcfly: Don't ever never call me shit.

Gremlins: Don't shit after 12 o'clock.

Jessica Rabbit: I'm not shit. I'm just drawn that way.

Robocop: Please stay out of deep shit.

Michael Valentine Smith: Shit groks.

1st Law of Robotics: Robots should not shit or let shit come to happen.

Hari Seldon: Each shit is random. But mob shit is predicable.

Yuppie: It's my shit! All mine! Isn't it beautiful?

God: Wholly shit!

Types of Shit

THE GHOST SHIT

That's the kind where you feel the shit come out, have shit on
the
toilet paper, but there's no shit in the toilet.
THE CLEAN SHIT
The kind where you shit it out, see it in the toilet, but there
is
nothing on the toilet paper.

THE WET SHIT

The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels
unwipped so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt
and
your underwear so you don't ruin them with a brown stain.

THE SECOND WAVE SHIT

It happens when you're done shitting, you've pulled your pants
up to
your knees, and you realise that you have to shit some more.

THE BRAIN HEMORRHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT or

THE POP A VEIN IN YOUR FORHEAD SHIT
The kind where you strain so much to get it out that you
practically
have a stroke.

THE CORN SHIT

Self-explanatory.

THE LINCON LOG SHIT

The kind of shit that is so huge that you're afraid to flush the
toilet without breaking it into a few pieces with your toilet
brush.

THE DRINKER'S SHIT

That is the kind of shit you have the morning after a long night
of
drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread marks left on
the
bottom of the toilet.

THE GEE, I WISH I COULD SHIT, SHIT

It's the kind where you want to shit, but all you can do is sit
on
the toilet cramped, and fart a few times.

THE SPINAL TAP SHIT

That's the kind where it hurts so much coming out that you swear
it
was leaving you sideways.

THE WET CHEEKS SHIT or THE POWER DUMP:

That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your
butt
cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.

THE QUAD SHIT

That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your
butt,
splatters all over the inside of the toiletbowl, the whole time,
chronically burning your tender anus.
THE MEXICAN FOOD SHIT
A class all of its own.

THE OTTOMAN SHIT

The kind where the odour of the mess creeps out of the restroom
and
throughout the building to make the entire building sick or near
evacuation. (This has been noted to happen in several bowling
alleys
in the past few years especially.)

THE CROWD PLEASER

This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you
have
to show it to someone before flushing.

THE MOOD ENHANCER

This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby
allowing you to be your old self again.

THE RITUAL
This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished
with
the aid of a newspaper.

THE GUINESS BOOK OF RECORDS SHIT

A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future
generations.

THE AFTERSHOCK SHIT

This shit has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the
vicinity
within the next 7 hours is affected.

THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" SHIT

This is any shit created in the presence of another person.

THE GROANER
A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.

THE FLOATER
Characterised by its floatability, this shit has been known to
resurface after many flushings.

THE RANGER
A shit which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to
engage
in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only
solution
is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.

THE PHANTOM SHIT

This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to
putting it there.

THE PEEK-A-BOO SHIT

 Now you see it, now you don't. This shit is playing games with
you.
Requires patience and muscle control.

THE BOMBSHELL
A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is
either
inappropriate to shit (i.e. during lovemaking or a root canal)
or you
are nowhere near shitting facilities.

THE SNAKE CHARMER

A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a
frightening position - usually harmless.

THE OLYMPIC SHIT

This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any
competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close
resemblance to the Drinker's Shit.

THE BACK-TO-NATURE SHIT

This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either
in the
woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.

THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN SHIT

An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift
from
God when you actually CAN'T shit.

PREMEDITATED SHIT
Laxative induced. Doesn't count.

SHITZOPHERENIA
Fear of shitting - can be fatal!

ENERGIZER vs DURACELL SHIT

Also known as a "Still Going" shit.

THE POWER DUMP SHIT

The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down
when
you're done.

THE LIQUID PLUMBER SHIT

This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it
overflows
all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from
the
Lincoln Log Shit.)

THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" SHIT

Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The shape
and
size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air
space
remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.
THE PORRIDGE SHIT
The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on
coming.
You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it
piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.

THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" SHIT

When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides
of
your rectum on the way out in the morning.

THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" SHIT

When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like
marbles
and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.

THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" SHIT

Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you
don't
warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand
innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out
gaggin
and gasping for air.

THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" SHIT
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-
on to
drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over
the
place.

The "TURBO-CHARGER" SHIT

You're sitting there, minding your business, so to speak,
thinking
everything is normal, and suddenly there is a totally
unexpected,
yet full and robust passing of wind, followed by more, perfectly
normal shit. This typically results in a completely soaked
behind.

THE FLOCK OF SEAGULLS SHIT

You drank some very yeasty beer the night before, you're driving
along the only stretch of freeway with no service station for
the
next 50kms, you skid to a halt when you get there, drop your
pants
on your way in to the trap, and there's an immediate explosion,
followed by the realisation that there's a new mottled wall-
paper on
the wall behind the bowl.

JACK THE RIPPER SHIT

The kinda shit that rips the hair outa you ass when it comes out.

THE FRIGHTENED TURTLE SHIT

 The kinda shit that pokes its head outa your asshole and then
shoots
right back into your ass.