Behavioural and Interpersonal Skills

UNIT One Notes

BBA IV Semester

Amit Kumar Bhanja

Assistant Professor,
SMS, Varanasi.
CONCEPT OF SELF

From your childhood days, you may have spent considerable time thinking about who you are,

and how you are different from others. By now, you already may have developed some ideas

about yourself, although you may not be aware of it. How easy was it for you to complete these

sentences? How much time did you take? Perhaps it was not as easy as you may have thought

at first. While working on it, you were describing your ‘self’. You are aware of your ‘self’ in

the same way as you are aware of various objects in your surrounding environment, such as a

chair or a table in your room. A newly born child has no idea of its self. As a child grows older,

the idea of self emerges and its formation begins. Parents, friends, teachers and other significant

persons play a vital role in shaping a child’s ideas about self. Our interaction with other people,

our experiences, and the meaning we give to them, serve as the basis of our self. The structure

of self is modifiable in the light of our own experiences and the experiences we have of other

people. Notice what they have done. You will find that they have produced a fairly long list of

attributes about how they identify themselves. The attributes they have used for identification

tell us about their personal as well as social or cultural identities. Personal identity refers to

those attributes of a person that make her/him different from others. When a person describes

herself/himself by telling her/his name (e.g., I am Sanjana or Karim), or her/ his qualities or

characteristics (e.g., I am honest or hardworking person), or her/his potentialities or capabilities

(e.g., I am a singer or dancer), or her/his beliefs (e.g., I am a believer in God or destiny), s/he

is disclosing her/his personal identity. Social identity refers to those aspects of a person that

link her/him to a social or cultural group or are derived from it. When someone says that s/he

is a Hindu or a Muslim, a Brahmin or an adivasi or a North Indian or a South Indian, or

something like these, s/he is trying to indicate her/his social identity. These descriptions

characterise the way people mentally represent themselves as a person. Thus, self refers to the

totality of an individual’s conscious experiences, ideas, thoughts and feelings with regard to
herself or himself. These experiences and ideas define the existence of an individual both at

the personal and at social levels.

Self as Subject and Self as Object

If you return to your friends’ descriptions, you will find that they have described themselves

either as an entity that does something (e.g., I am a dancer) or as an entity on which something

is done (e.g., I am one who easily gets hurt). In the former case, the self is described as a

‘subject’ (who does something); in the latter case, the self is described as an ‘object’ (which

gets affected). This means that self can be understood as a subject as well as an object. When

you say, “I know who I am”, the self is being described as a ‘knower’ as well as something that

can be ‘known’. As a subject (actor) the self actively engages in the process of knowing itself.

As an object (consequence) the self gets observed and comes to be known. This dual status of

self should always be kept in mind.

Kinds of Self

There are several kinds of self. They get formed as a result of our interactions with our physical

and socio-cultural environments. The first elements of self may be noticed when a new-born

child cries for milk when it is hungry. Although, this cry is based on reflex, this later on leads

to development of awareness that ‘I am hungry’. This biological self in the context of socio-

cultural environment modifies itself. While you may feel hungry for a chocolate, an Eskimo

may not. A distinction is made between ‘personal’ and ‘social’ self. The personal self leads to

an orientation in which one feels primarily concerned with oneself. We have talked above how

our biological needs lead to the development of a ‘biological self’. But, soon a child’s

psychological and social needs in the context of her/his environment lead other components of

personal self to emerge. Emphasis comes to be laid on those aspects of life that relate only to

the concerned person, such as personal freedom, personal responsibility, personal achievement,
or personal comforts. The social self emerges in relation with others and emphasises such

aspects of life as cooperation, unity, affiliation, sacrifice, support or sharing. This self-values

family and social relationships. Hence, it is also referred to as familial or relational self.

Psychologists from all parts of the world have shown interest in the study of self. These studies

have brought out many aspects of our behaviour related to self. As indicated earlier, all of us

carry within us a sense of who we are and what makes us different from everyone else. We

cling to our personal and social identities and feel safe in the knowledge that it remains stable

in our lifetime. The way we perceive ourselves and the ideas we hold about our competencies

and attributes is also called self-concept. At a very general level, this view of oneself is, overall,

either positive or negative. At a more specific level, a person may have a very positive view of

her/his athletic bravery, but a negative view of her/his academic talents. At an even more

specific level, one may have a positive self-concept about one’s reading ability but a negative

one about one’s mathematical skills. Finding out an individual’s self-concept is not easy. The

most frequently used method involves asking the person about herself/ himself.

Self-esteem

Self-esteem is an important aspect of our self. As persons we always make some judgment

about our own value or worth. This value judgment of a person about herself/himself is called

self-esteem. Some people have high self-esteem, whereas others may have low self-esteem. In

order to assess self-esteem we present a variety of statements to a person, and ask her/ him to

indicate the extent to which those statements are true for her or him. For example, we may ask

a child to indicate the extent to which statements such as “I am good at homework”, or “I am

the one usually chosen for the games”, or “I am highly liked by my peers”, are true of her/ him.

If a child reports these statements to be true for her/him, her/his self-esteem will be high in

comparison to someone who says “no”. Studies indicate that by the age of 6 to 7 years, children
seem to have formed self-esteem at least in four areas: academic competence, social

competence, physical/ athletic competence, and physical appearance, which become more

refined with age. Our capacity to view ourselves in terms of stable dispositions permits us to

combine separate self-evaluations into a general psychological image of ourselves. This is

known as an overall sense of self-esteem. Self-esteem shows a strong relationship with our

everyday behaviour. For example, children with high academic self-esteem perform better in

schools than those with low academic self-esteem, and children with high social self-esteem

are more liked by their peers than those with low social self-esteem. On the other hand, children

with low self-esteem in all areas are often found to display anxiety, depression, and increasing

antisocial behaviour. Studies have shown that warm and positive parenting helps in the

development of high self-esteem among children as it allows them to know that they are

accepted as competent and worthwhile. Children, whose parents help or make decisions for

them even when they do not need assistance, often suffer from low self-esteem.

Self-efficacy

Self-efficacy is another important aspect of our self. People differ in the extent to which they

believe they themselves control their life outcomes or the outcomes are controlled by luck or

fate or other situational factors, e.g. passing an examination. A person who believes that s/he

has the ability or behaviours required by a particular situation demonstrates high self-efficacy.

The notion of self-efficacy is based on Bandura’s social learning theory. Bandura’s initial

studies showed that children and adults learned behaviour by observing and imitating others.

People’s expectations of mastery or achievement and their convictions about their own

effectiveness also determine the types of behaviour in which they would engage, as also the

amount of risk they would undertake. A strong sense of self-efficacy allows people to select,

influence, and even construct the circumstances of their own life. People with a strong sense

of self efficacy also feel less fearful. Self-efficacy can be developed. People with high self-
efficacy have been found to stop smoking the moment they decide to do so. Our society, our

parents and our own positive experiences can help in the development of a strong sense of self

efficacy by presenting positive models during the formative years of children.

Self-regulation

Self-regulation refers to our ability to organise and monitor our own behaviour. People, who

are able to change their behaviour according to the demands of the external environment, are

high on self-monitoring. Many situations of life require resistance to situational pressures and

control over ourselves. This becomes possible through what is commonly known as ‘will

power’. As human beings we can control our behaviour the way we want. We often decide to

delay or defer the satisfaction of certain needs. Learning to delay or defer the gratification of

needs is called self-control. Self-control plays a key role in the fulfilment of long-term goals.

Indian cultural tradition provides us with certain effective mechanisms (e.g., fasting in vrata or

roza and nonattachment with worldly things) for developing self-control. A number of

psychological techniques of self-control have also been suggested. Observation of own

behaviour is one of them. This provides us with necessary information that may be used to

change, modify, or strengthen certain aspects of self. Self-instruction is another important

technique. We often instruct ourselves to do something and behave the way we want to. Such

instructions are quite effective in self-regulation. Self-reinforcement is the third technique. This

involves rewarding behaviours that have pleasant outcomes. For example, you may go to see a

movie with friends, if you have done well in an examination. These techniques have been tried

out and found quite effective with respect to self-regulation and self-control.

CULTURE and SELF

Several aspects of self-seem to be linked to the characteristic features of the culture in which

an individual life. Analysis of self is carried out in the Indian cultural context reveals a number
of important features that are distinct from those found in the Western cultural context. The

most important distinction between the Indian and the Western views is the way the boundary

is drawn between the self and the other. In the Western view, this boundary appears to be

relatively fixed. The Indian view of self, on the other hand, is characterised by the shifting

nature of this boundary. Thus, our self at one moment of time expands to fuse with the cosmos

or include the others. But at the next moment, it seems to be completely withdrawn from it and

focused fully on individual self (e.g., our personal needs or goals). The Western view seems to

hold clear dichotomies between self and other, man and nature, subjective and objective. In the

Western culture, the self and the group exist as two different entities with clearly defined

boundaries. Individual members of the group maintain their individuality. In the Indian culture,

the self is generally not separated from one’s own group; rather both remain in a state of

harmonious co-existence. In the Western culture, on the other hand, they often remain at a

distance. That is why many Western cultures are characterised as individualistic, whereas many

Asian cultures are characterised as collectivistic.

THE JOHARI WINDOW MODEL

The existence of healthy social relations is a psychological need and the happiness of people

depends on the extent to which this need is met. Communication plays an important role in the

formation of interpersonal relations. Often, the quality of social support a person offers to

another and the direction of the human relations they will establish, depends upon the

information they give about themselves. The individual’s talking about himself/herself during

his/her attempts to create new relationships provides the ground for the development of the

relationship as it can bring trust, warmth and acceptance (Ataşalar, 1996). In his book “The

Transparent Self” (1964), Jourard stated that conversational patterns are related to the level of

intimacy between people. In other words, when a person reveals his / her personal information,

the interlocutor responds to it. Subsequent studies have determined that this is about the
principle of reciprocity in disclosure. According to this principle, as long as the person gives

information about himself/herself and shows closeness to the other person, the other person

will give the same amount of information and feels close (Burger, 2006; p:466; Ağlamaz,

2006). The Johari Window is a model that supports the creation of trust in interpersonal

relations, as well as opens up lines of communication among members of a group.

What is Johari window Model?

The Johari Window improves self-awareness and mutual understanding between individuals

within a group. It is particularly helpful for leaders who want to understand how people

perceive them. The Johari Window is a simple and useful tool for understanding:

• self-awareness

• personal development

• improving communications
• interpersonal relationships

• group dynamics

• team development; and

• inter group relationships

The model was devised by American psychologists Joseph Luft and Harry Ingham in 1955

while researching group dynamics at the University of California Los Angeles. The model was

first published in the Proceedings of the Western Training Laboratory in Group Development

by UCLA Extension Office in 1955 and was later expanded by Joseph Luft. The model name

is derived from combining the two names ‘Joseph” and ‘Harry.’

Why use the Johari Window Model?

The effectiveness of one’s leadership is often limited by his/her self-awareness. Improving self-

awareness will help one listen, be more present and be better in tune with the person or group

one is leading. The Johari Window model develops internal and external self-awareness. It

helps one become aware of how others see one in contrast to how one sees oneself. A good

outcome is a perfect alignment between how one see oneself and how others see one. This

happens when one is a very open leader who has worked with a stable group for some time. A

common outcome is a difference between how one see yourself and how others see one. There

may be things important to one that others are unaware of. There may also be values one

demonstrates that other people see but one is not aware of. The Johari window helps create this

awareness. With this knowledge, one can work to increase one’s open area. Where how one

sees oneself aligns with how others perceive one. This is done by discussing the results with

the group and seeking greater understanding.

The four quadrants of the Johari window

This model is also known as “feedback/disclosure model of self-awareness” or “the

information processing tool.” The model suggests two things - first, trust can be acquired by

sharing information about oneself to others; and second, learning about the self from others’

feedback. The model depicts a window with four panes through which communication flows

as we give and receive information about ourselves to others. In this model, the window

represents “information” such as feelings, experiences, views, attitudes, skills, intentions,

motivations etc within or about a person in relation to four perspectives. In the diagram ‘self’

refers to oneself, in other words, the person who is under study. ‘Others’ refers to other people.

The four perspectives are called regions or quadrants or areas. Each of the regions represents

information known or unknown to the individual and known or unknown to the others. The

premise behind the window is that there are certain things which we know, and things we do

not know about ourselves. Similarly, there are certain things others know and do not know.

Thus, at any given point of time in life, we may see our total being as we understand it and as

others know about it in a true sense through this 4-paned Johari window. In the diagram, all

panes look equal but in reality that is not the case. The openness of each pane will vary

depending on one’s own personal level of:

• How well one knows oneself?

• How much one shares about oneself with others?

• How well others know one? Johari Window – the Four Regions

• What is known by the person about him/her self and is also known by others comes in open

area, open self, free area, free self, or the arena

• What is unknown to the person about him/her self but which others know comes in blind area,

blind self, or blindspot

• What the person knows about him/her self that others do not know comes in hidden area,

hidden self, avoided area, avoided self or 'facade'

• What is unknown by the person about him/her self and is also unknown by others comes in

unknown area or unknown self.

How does the Johari Window Work?

a) The Open Area:

When using the Johari Window in organizational teams, the goal should be to develop the Open

area as much as possible for each team member. When we work in this area, we are operating

in our most productive and effective space individually and as a group. Working in this area

results in open, honest, & transparent communication, and minimizes miscommunication,

mistrust, & confusion. New team members often have smaller open areas than established team

members. They need time to learn about others, and to share information about themselves.

The Johari Window can serve as an important instrument in establishing a culture of open

communication. Encouraging continuous development of the ‘open area’ or ‘open self’ for

everyone by making it safe for others to share information is an essential aspect of effective

leadership. The size of the open area can be expanded horizontally into the blind space, by

seeking and actively listening to feedback from other group members. This process is known

as 'feedback solicitation'. Other group members can help a team member expand their open

area by offering feedback, though sensitively. The size of the open area can also be expanded

vertically downwards into the hidden or avoided space by the person's disclosure of

information, feelings, etc. about him/herself to the group and group members. Group members

can help a person expand their open area into the hidden area by asking the person about

him/herself. Managers and team leaders can play an important role in facilitating feedback and

encouraging disclosures among group members and indirectly giving feedback to individuals
about their own blind areas. Top-performing groups, departments, companies and

organizations always tend to have a culture of open positive communication, so encouraging

the positive development of the 'open area' or 'open self' for everyone is a simple yet

fundamental aspect of effective leadership.

b) The Blind Area:

The Blind area represents information that is known about a person to others, but is not known

to the person himself/herself. This is known as their “blind spot.” Everyone has blind spots. By

soliciting feedback, and by being open to feedback by others, we become more aware of how

others perceive us, and we shrink our blind spots and increase our open area. This leads to

stronger communication and trust. This blind area is not an effective or productive space for

individuals or groups. This blind area could also be referred to as ignorance about oneself, or

issues in which one is deluded. A blind area could also include issues that others are

deliberately withholding from a person. This relates to the difficulty one experiences when

being "kept in the dark". Managers should promote a climate of non-judgemental feedback,

and group response to individual disclosure, which reduces fear and therefore encourages both

processes to happen. The extent to which an individual seeks feedback, and the issues on which

feedback is sought, must always be at the individual's own discretion.

c) The Hidden Area

The Hidden area represents information that person intentionally hides from others. The hidden

area could also include sensitivities, fears, hidden agendas, manipulative intentions, secrets -

anything that a person knows but does not reveal, for whatever reason. As a person’s trust

grows, they will increasingly disclose greater information, thereby closing this window and

enlarging the Open window. By making disclosures about how we feel and other information

about ourselves we reduce the hidden area and increase the open area, which enables better
understanding, cooperation, trust, team-working effectiveness and productivity and reduces the

potential for confusion, misunderstanding, poor communication, etc, which all distract from

and undermine team effectiveness. Organizational culture and working atmosphere have a

major influence on group members' preparedness to disclose their hidden selves. Most people

fear judgement or vulnerability and therefore hold back hidden information and feelings, etc

The extent to which an individual discloses personal feelings and information, and the issues

which are disclosed, and to whom, must always be at the individual's own discretion.

d) The Unknown Area

The Unknown area represents information, feelings, latent abilities, aptitudes, experiences etc,

that are unknown to the person him/herself and unknown to others in the group. Large unknown

areas would typically be expected in younger people, and people who lack experience or self-

belief. Examples of unknown factors are as follows (the first example is particularly relevant

and common, especially in typical organizations and teams):

• An ability that is under-estimated or un-tried through lack of opportunity, encouragement,

confidence or training

• A natural ability or aptitude that a person does not realise they possess

• A fear or aversion that a person does not know they have

• An unknown illness

• Repressed or subconscious feelings

• Conditioned behaviour or attitudes from childhood

There are several processes by which this information and knowledge can be uncovered, e.g.

self-discovery or observation by others, or in certain situations through, collective or mutual

discovery (e.g. experienced during out-bound exercises or other intensive group projects).
Organizations that promote cultures of self-discovery and learning create opportunities for

employees to close this window as they develop greater self-awareness. Creating a culture,

climate and expectation for self-discovery helps people to fulfil more of their potential and

thereby to achieve more, and to contribute more to organisational performance.

INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION

Interpersonal communication is not just talking and listening. Verbal behaviour is only one

component of the communication between people. There are many forms of non-verbal

communication as well. Without using words, we communicate with a look, an expression, a

gesture or a grunt. Appearance, posture, gait and voice tell us more about people than they may

tell us in words. These elements of nonverbal communication are, mostly unconscious and

occur at instinctive levels. Yet, we can train ourselves to become conscious of them and thus

we can improve our ability to communicate. We communicate with our eyes. All of us are

familiar with this form of non-verbal communication. Eyes are windows through which you

see the ‘person’ inside. Eyes express emotions and attitudes. Eye contact is a common means

of expressing love. Gaze aversion is interpreted as unwillingness to interact. A strong gaze may

indicate dominance or aggression and a person with little eye contact is seen as submissive or

shy. Eye movements indicate how much attention is being paid to the other person. It is used

to open and close communication channels between people while speaking in turns. A period

of eye contact often starts an interaction during which we look at the person who is talking to

us. The person looks away while she/he is talking, once in a while checking if the other person

is looking (listening). After she/he has finished, this gaze is turned to the other person to signify

their turn to talk. Skills are formed by repetitive use. It has been found that role plays are useful

in initiating control over non-verbal behaviour. A shy person can still learn to get out of her

shell by allowing eye contact to be made. Instead of looking into yourself, learn to look at
somebody else. The fear of the ‘unknown’ other will disappear as communication channels

open up.

Communicating with Facial Expression

When we look at people we are, in fact, looking at their faces. By looking at a face we can find

out whether the person likes or dislikes, understands or not. Faces can communicate interest

and involvement. They can also express emotions ranging from happiness to despair. Feelings

are often reflected on the face even if the person wishes to disguise them. The face responds

instantaneously and is the most effective feedback for another person. Facial expression as a

reaction may be difficult to control or even predict in our own cases. But facial expression as

a reaction can be totally under our control with a bit of practice. Acting is not merely for actors.

All of us act out a role. Role playing in small informal groups with sufficient feedback, can

improve our communication skills.

Gestures

Hand gestures are second in importance to facial expression in nonverbal communication.

Some deaf and dumb people do manage very well in interpersonal communication using only

gestures. So the power of this element is not to be underestimated We do use gestures normally

to repeat, emphasize or even contradict our verbal messages. We wave and also say good-bye.

This is an example of a repetition of both verbal and non-verbal signals in daily use. A clenched

fist with open eyes and loud voice. Here the verbal and non-verbal components emphasize one

another. On the other hand, a trainer may say she is all right but throws up her hand in despair.

Here, there is an element of contradiction between the verbal and non-verbal components. Like

the look, gestures can be used ‘to put the ball in the other court’, when you are speaking in

turns.
Appearance:

Appearance serves to differentiate between people: the old from the young, the formal from

the informal. Appearances convey messages about social status, personality, attitudes and

emotional states. Personal appearance not only affects our own self image–but also our

behaviour and the behaviour of the people around us. The style of dress, hair, cosmetics or

jewellery provide the basis for first and sometimes long lasting impressions. Appearances are

often deceptive but we nevertheless depend on using the cue in our day-to-day interactions

with people. The changes or modifications in your daily appearance changes the behaviour of

people towards you. This knowledge can be put to use easily.

Posture and Gait

The way a person sits, stands and walks reflects her attitude towards herself and her relationship

with others. Posture can reveal warmth, harmony with others and status and power in relation

to the other. People unconsciously adopt different postures while interacting with those they

like and dislike. People with higher status are relaxed in the presence of juniors who maintain

formal postures. When we interact with people whom we like, we tend to lean forward. When

somebody whom we don’t like interacts with us we tend to lean back to distance ourselves.

Women have a different posture and gait from men. A person walking slowly with hunched

shoulders may be thought of as timid, whereas a straight back and purposeful gait may convey

confidence. Sometimes we may be deceived by such inferences, but more often we are proved

right. Each individual has her own characteristic styles of posture and gait, which reflects her

personality and self-image. Conscious adoption of postures and gaits which signal positive

messages can be the first step that we need to take to change the behaviour of people around

us. This will slowly change self-image, and personality as well, in due course of time.
Proximity

You may meet people on the road or in the village. The distance that we keep while interacting

with people depends to a certain extent on where we are. It also depends on who we are. People

have personal spaces around them, which may shrink and expand depending on situations,

People unconsciously adopt their positions in a social gathering. Proximity, which encroaches

on this personal space, conveys intimacy. If you are within 1½ feet of a person, you are in

intimate space. From 1½ to 4 feet is personal space. From 4 feet to about 12 feet, is social space

and more than that is public distance. If you learn to regulate your distance from people

depending on situations, you can produce better results.

Touch

Touch conveys even more subtle messages than the visual and auditory elements of

communication. Love and hate, happiness and anger are all communicated easily from person

to person through body contact. We can communicate warmth, caring, love and affection

through touch. A touch can also convey fear, distress and exuberance. As children all of us get

a lot of bodily contact which reduces as we grow up. But throughout our life we use touch for

expressing affiliation, sexual and aggression feelings. Holding, stroking and caressing are

nurturing even for adults. Physical touch in reassuring somebody who is in panic or in pain is

not necessarily sexual contact even if the person is of the opposite sex.

Voice

Each person has a unique voice. Yet it may change tone, quality and timbre, depending on

situations. Besides what is actually being said by the voice, these voice qualities tell us more

about the person speaking. We unconsciously make judgements about people’s character from

the way they speak. The tone of the voice can signal a message which is actually the opposite

of what is being said. Social skills can be improved by attending to using the voice to its fullest
advantage. Role play mimicking different voices can add to your repertoire in facing actual

real life situations. We use sounds to communicate. Some of these sounds are non-verbal – like

grunts, moans, sighs, laughter, giggles, chuckles and many other sounds that we produce. These

can be understood easily by people who speak other languages. Verbal communication consists

of the sounds that are structured by language. Let us learn more about verbal communication.

Verbal Communication

Speech is used for a variety of purposes – to describe feelings, to communicate ideas, to reason

and to argue …. Some people use speech as play. Speech does not imply a listener; people talk

even to themselves. Speech is what ties people into a society, into a community. We speak with

many individuals every day. Without speech we are handicapped in our ability to inform,

comment, question, instruct and persuade others. How can we improve our conversational

skills?

Listening

Listening is not a passive or non-verbal activity. It is an active way of providing feedback to

the person who needs to know how her/his messages are being received; whether they are being

understood and accepted or rejected. Listening is used not only to understand but also to

communicate interest in, and feelings about, what the other person is saying. Non-verbal skills

like eye contact, facial expression, raising of an eyebrow, a nod…. All communicate their own

signals but the verbal communication can over-ride all of them. The verbal aspects include

isolated words of agreement or encouragement. Comments on events like “that sounds terrible”

or “oh, that must have been exciting” etc. play a major role in verbal communication.

Talking

Each person has a set of experiences, feelings and knowledge which are shared through

conversations. Most of our conversations are about everyday matters. People also talk about
what they have done or are involved in. If you meet somebody you already know, you may

start the conversation with factual information or general statements which are followed by

specific statements giving details of what was done, seen etc. It thus moves on to include the

expressions of feelings, attitudes and opinions. You walk away waving good-bye thinking to

yourself that the training has already done you some good. You have made somebody laugh.

Conversely you may continue after the laughter and encourage the other person to talk – asking

questions that can be general, specific or about feelings or attitudes.

Conversational Sequence

What happens when we engage in a conversation?

Here is a description giving common examples.

1) Opening a conversation There are a number of different ways of starting a conversation.

Some are conventional and will vary according to the situation. Here are a few examples.

a) Greetings Hello, Namaste, Ram Ram, Salam Alaikum, Sat Sri Akal. Each person normally

sticks to their own type of greeting across situations. But a good communicator perceives and

observes and then makes adjustments in the mode of greeting.

b) Personal questions or remarks “You look good today.” “I like your Sari.” Good interpersonal

communication means your ability to keep back your negative comments while giving only

nurturing remarks where appropriate.

c) Comments about the environment “It has suddenly become cold this week.” “The Panchayat

ghar is really crowded today.” Such comments are usually used to allow the other person to

take initiative in social interaction or merely to reduce the social tension. We use it for want of

a topic of conversation agreeable to the speaker and listener. Normally this is followed up by

other comments.
d) Asking a question or making a request “Can you please tell me the time?” “Have you

finished going through this pamphlet?” A good communicator is polite in her questions and

requests. Abruptness or arrogance create social conflicts. So even though politeness may be

interpreted as a weakness in some situations, it is better to use ‘please’ or its equivalent while

requesting.

e) Exchanging names, information about occupation, place of living Many times in our day-to-

day lives as trainers, we ask people their background or family details without disclosing

anything about ourselves. When we ask people information about themselves, if we are willing

to provide information about ourselves, they will not feel threatened. They will start looking at

us as people just like themselves. In the language of interpersonal communication, this is called

‘self-discipline’.

2) Maintaining a conversation

The maintenance of a conversation depends on the opening sequence. The conversation can

continue with another question, another remark or by giving another piece of information. A

number of topics may be briefly explored before settling on one of mutual interest. Then the

topic will be explored at a deeper level. In maintaining a conversation, it is important that it

does not become disjointed by an abrupt change in topics. People may become embarrassed or

may consider you rude if a topic is not taken up. It is necessary to respond appropriately to the

theme of conversation by imparting further information, disclosing feelings or asking a relevant

question. In order to change the subject, you can use a link statement. “Talking of trainers,

reminds me of the time. I have to reach the training centre, otherwise the Trainer will not like

it.” Such a change in subject will give you an opportunity to close the conversation. You may

maintain the conversation. “Talking of trainers, reminds me, you know that SHG group leader

near your house – Pammi – can you convince her family that they should support her group
activities? Link statements can also be used to put an end to the conversation. “Talking of

trainers reminds me of the time – I have to reach the bank, otherwise the manager will complain

to the trainer. See you.

Note: The usage in the above two cases are meant for different purposes. While conversing,

we speak by turns. By non-verbal cues and inflection of voice, we give the other person the

clue to speak or end the conversation. To and fro conversation is also facilitated by questions.

Any satisfying conversation is maintained by mutual agreement and may not necessarily

involve all the parties making equal contributions. By careful timing, and attention to non-

verbal cues, interruptions and prolonged silences can be avoided.

3) Ending a conversation

When ending a conversation, people usually signal their readiness verbally as well as non-

verbally. Sitting forward in the chair in readiness to get up, picking up any possession or

prescriptions from the table, withdrawal of gaze etc. is usually fortified with phrases like “I

must be going now……” It may also include an indication of further contact: “Don’t forget to

come to the centre next month.” This may be accompanied by a smile, a wave and further

verbalization: “Bye, see you”. In the centre you may have met people who do go on in their

expressive monologues. You can end conversations in such cases by withdrawing eye contact,

engaging in another activity and a remark like: “I must get on with….” Or “Who’s next? Come

in ……” In opening, maintaining and closing sessions with people, we have to take care to

show appreciation and gratitude wherever we can. This nurtures relationships. When people

are hurt by word or deed, it may be necessary to make apologies. Some of us do this

spontaneously. Those of us who feel unnatural or strained in offering apologies or praising

somebody need to practice by play acting so that such activities become natural as time goes

on. We should also be equipped with appropriate expertise in making a request and refusing a
request. We may otherwise not be able to use interpersonal communication to the fullest. At

times you may even be taken for a ride.

For example, a person with a scooter is going from the NGO office to the village. Can you

approach her or him and request a lift? How will you do it? Do you have anything to say if you

are refused?” People know that you have training materials with you and request for them even

when it is not required for their good performance. How will you refuse? Acquisition of

interpersonal skills will make you not only a good trainer but a good human being as well. The

ability to withstand the constant interaction with people who need your help may drain you of

all energies. Good interpersonal communication will, however, empower you as a social being

and will give you the tools to deal with the most stressful time of your life.