Professional Documents
Culture Documents
Body After Sexual Abuse
Body After Sexual Abuse
Margit E. Asselstine
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by Margit Asselstine
A thesis submitted in conformity with the requirements for the degree of Doctor of
Education, Graduate Department of Adult Education, Cornmunity Development, and
Counselling Psychology, University of Toronto, 1997.
ABSTRACT
Previous research identifies the impact of child sexual abuse on a child's cognitive and
emotional orientation to the world but has neglected to include its impact on the child's
physical orientation to the wodd. Conventional psychotherapeutic practice has few if any
techniques for including the physical dimension within verbal exploration and integration.
Research, however, continues to show the necessity for a non-intellectual approach for
accessing state-bound information for the purpose of traumatic mernory retrieval and
integration. The intention of this study was to explore the body experiences of women
survivors within a verbal body-focused intervention that did not involve touch or movement
therapy. This study demonstrates that the body is closely and inexûicably involved when
Five women survivors of child sexual abuse, al1 of whom were currently in
psychotherapy, participated in one body-focused verbal experiential session. The session was
followed by two interviews one week and one year Iater to discuss and evaluate their body-
oriented experience and its relationship to their healing process. An interna1 focus on their
body experience created a non-ordinary state in which the body could speak from its own
perspective without the filter of the intellect. Following the sensation of a memory led the
participants either to a memory of the abuse itself or to an unresolved related issue. The
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results ïndicate that a variety of kinaesthetic experiences are part of the memory of trauma.
including the trauma of immobilization and the feeling of being physically trapped in terror,
body disruptions that involve the rnind "splittïng" from the body, and the "splitting" of body
areas that represent separated parts of self with d i f f e ~ gperspectives on the trauma.
Following the sensation of a memory and incorporating psyche-soma linking led the
participants to a changed and more integrated relationship with their body. Body-oriented
memory retrieval and integration, and the intemalization of the process of dialogue with their
body 1ed these women to new opportunities for healing that would not have been available
otherwise.
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Abstract
List of Figures
List of Appendices
Acknowledgements
1. INTRODUCTION
1.1 . Overview ..................................... 1
1.2. .. . 2
Locating Myself as a Researcher . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
2. LITERATURE REVIEW
4. METHODOLOGY
Gwen's Session . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 94
Participants' Evaluations . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
.. . . . . . . . . 184
6.2.2. The Session Facilitates Memory Recall and Retrieval of Images . . . . . . . 187
that Would Not Have Happened Otherwise
6.2.4. A Therapeutic Relationship of Trust. Safety. and Gentleness and the . . . . 191
htemalization of the Therapist's Trust in the Process 1s Helpful
vii
6.2.5. A Self-Directed Pace Ailows Full Processing of the Material as It . . . . . 193
Ernerges and Avoids "Flooding" and Dissociation
7. DISCUSSION
7 .5 . Conclusion . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 227
References . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 228
viii
LET OF FTGURES
Mary's Drawing . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 93
LIST OF APPENDICES
To begin I would like to acknowledge the women survivors who so wiliingly gave their rime
to this project. Their sharing of experiences and insights so that others may l e m from them
is greatly appreciated.
A special thank you to Dr. Niva Piran for her encouragement to pursue this topic and
her guidance during the course of its development into a thesis. 1 also owe thanks to my
other dissertation cornmittee members, Dr. Lana Stermac and Dr. Bill Alexander, for their
assistance.
The results of what seerned to be an impossible task at the outset has been made to
look easy because of the invaluable help from friends and editors Ellen Shearer and Joanne
Close. 1 thank Ellen Shearer for her enthusiastic perseverance during the wnting of this
project. Her supportive presence and skill motivated me to further explore and elucidate the
matenal. 1thank Joanne Close who copy edited this manuscript with exquisite attention to
detai1.
Finally, 1 thank my many other friends and colleagues who encouraged and supponed
WRODUCTION
1.1. O V E R W W
This smdy intended to investigate the experience of the body from a perspective that is
largely unstudied within the field of psychological research. People who have experienced
sexual abuse at a pre-verbal age and/or while dissociated from their body may be unable to
potentially relevant for the understanding and treatrnent of survivors of child sexual abuse.
Specifically, the purpose was to explore the body experiences of adult fernale survivors of
child sexual abuse during a body-focused, verbal psychotherapeutic session. 1explored how
the participants verbalized rnemories from the orientation of their body experience and bow
their remembered body experiences might be linked to and integrated in the healing or
Since researchers have stated that most women experience an unwanted invasive
sexual experience before the age of eighteen years (Butler, 1978; Courtois, 1988), this area
o f study is relevant for a large segment of the general population. The development of
approaches for examining and including the experience of the body within a
As the researcher in this study, 1 need to explain how my interests and inclinations led me
to this project.
Winnipeg, including the Royal Winnipeg and Lhotka's. 1 was also interested in drama and
studied at the Manitoba Theatre Centre between the ages of eight and thirteen. These
At the age of eighteen, after a serious dance injury that 1 believed would elirninate
any chance of a career in dance, 1decided to pursue my interest in child psychology and
acquired a university degree in that field. When 1 was nearing completion of the degree, a
fortuitous coincidence intemened: I found a Dance Therapy journal in the university Iibrary.
1 irnmediately understood that this field would connect the two disciplines where I had
training. 1 also knew intuitively that this combination would sustain my interest and that it
was a worthwhile field. My injury was now healed, and after three years in a mainly
dance and dancelmovement therapy. A substantial part of this degree involved intensive
system of body and movement analysis when 1 attended a workshop in experiential anatomy
about leg alignment. This triggered my understanding of the relevance of anatomy and
body alignment and tumed out to be a pivotal influence because in retrospect 1 realize that it
led me toward the field of movement repatteming. I began to study body alignment
privately and was drawn to other approaches, including the Alexander Technique and the
For ten years, 1 worked in the medium of movement and the body as therapist.
diagnosed children and young adults, stroke survivors, accident victims, and chronic pain
worked with elderly people in the entire continuum of settings, from chronic care to
independent residences. 1 also worked part-tirne for six years at George Brown College,
designing and teaching a course in therapeutic prograrnming for institutionalized elderly with
a focus on expressive arts therapies. For two of these years, 1 also taught an introductory
course in psychology.
During this ten-year period, 1continued to train in the areas of dance, yoga, and t'ai
chi. In an effort to develop my voice 1 studied the Linklater Method, which resonated with
my previous body-oriented work because of its focus on breath and the natural voice. 1 also
spent six years in personal psychotherapy with a therapist using Gestalt, existentialist, and
cognitive perspectives. 1 continued to sGdy the emerging field of what is now called
somatic movement therapy and education. Although 1 also continued to study extensively in
inclusiveness suited my eclectic way of working. After six years of training, 1 completed
This certification was intensive, involving experiential anatomy, hands-on manipulation and
3
re-patterning, and developmental movement patterns. Cohen defmes her work as
transformation through the union of movement, touch, sound, and mind. My training in
these areas culminated in a registration with the newly created umbrella organization that
represents this profession of somatic therapy. The International Somatic Movement Therapy
1 studied dancelmovement therapy at the Naropa Instinite in Boulder, Colorado and in New
York City with Judith Kestenberg (Kestenberg Movement Profile) and Martha Davis (Action
Profiling). 1eventually becarne registered with the Arnerican Dance Therapy Association
needed advanced verbal skills that could enable me to facilitate more effectively the
emotional and verbal component of the movement experience. For this reason, 1 decided to
enter a master program in counselling psychology. While completing the master degree 1
realized that 1 wanted to become a practising psychologist and eventually to write about my
work, so 1 entered the doctoral degree program. This degree program began a seven-year
period of further study, involving extensive course work as well as practicums in adult
and neurological assessments at the Clarke Institute of Psychiatry; and family therapy at
Whitby Psychiatrie Hospital. During these years, I also worked part-tirne as a graduate
assistant, researching in the area of children's leaniing and perforrning leaming disabilities
assessments with children and adults at the Psychoeducational C h i c at the Ontario Institure
for Studies in Education. Other part-time work included employment at the Addiction
Research Foundation and at a Native residential alcohol and drug treatment prograrn.
M i l e fulfilling the requirements for the degree 1 becarne interested in developing rny
skills in touch therapy, which 1had started at the School for Body-Mind Centering. To this
1could offer clients an approach to transformation, healing, and embodiment that is holistic
and can encompass verbal, touch, movement, and somatic therapies. 1 have finally reached
a place in my own joumey where 1 feel capable of providing clients with the bridges
between body, intellect, emotions, and spirit -- healing that includes al1 aspects of a person.
me with my own body experience and I am able to offer this work to others. Body-oriented
work can be taught successfully only from experience, not from a purely cognitive
perspective. I believe an experiential base in leaming is the essential ground work for the
involvement in varied approaches to bodywork has enriched and informed the development
I have a strong desire to bndge the two worlds of bodywork and psychology. At this time,
1 feel 1 am somewhat awkwardly straddling these two worlds and am often struck by their
contribute towards creating links between these two worlds for me. The observed
dichotomy may be a reflection of a separation between body and the mind in the larger
culture. 1 am fomnate to possess equally thorough training in both worlds and 1 have
found through experience that they do combine well and have the potential to enhance and
Over the years 1 have become aware of the lack of published knowledge on the
experience of the body and its place within the process of psychotherapy. The more I
studied verbal approaches to change or transformation, the more 1 came to realize that the
personality or psyche is similar to an approach that differentiates actual body systems and
tissues. When I speak about transformation through body knowledge, 1 speak of a process
that goes beyond simple awareness to reach a profound knowledge of self that incorporates
body experiences. Greater persona1 awareness and the ability to make choices about living
combination of both. When each domain, body and mind, is fully understood in its own
tems, psyche-soma links can be formed. Because 1 have completed extensive persona1 and
rnovement therapy is similar to the therapeutic approach 1 use in verbal therapy. Gentleness
and joining the client's process or experience are characteristic of both verbal and body-
onented approaches. The process and the goal are much the same in each modality .
whether it be felt through the integration of body partslpsyche parts moving toward a whole
Despite my skills in touch and movement therapy, 1 have chosen not to use these
rnodalities in this study. 1 made this decision in order to make the results more applicable
rnovement and I was curious to study the potential of this body-focused verbal approach. 1
wanted to determine whether the "voice" of the body would emerge, on its own tenns, in
the context of a verbal/intellectual modality. In effect, my work is a search for the psyche-
the body expenence in therapy. Ideally, psychotherapists would be at home in their own
body, with personal experience of body-oriented change, before engaging in the attempt to
resonate with another person and guide him or her through the realrn of the body.
However, verbal therapists can begin by tuning into the words clients choose, borh literal
and rnetaphorical, for their body expenence, and by observing body shape and qualities of
8
movement and expression. Including these elements can be a way of opening to the
1 am aware that touch and movement therapy involve far more than sirnply putting
one's hands on someone or watching someone dance or move. My thesis is that the body
experience. on its own, can elicit a healing process and that for holistic healing to occur.
particularly for survivors of child sexual abuse, the issues relating to the body experience
In her book, Trauma and Recovery, Hemian (1992) suggests that people who have been
chronically traumatized will suffer physiological changes and that survivors "may need ro
conventional verbal psychotherapy, the experience of the body is often not explored or
Moreover, the body is not valued as a vehicle of intentionality and expressiveness for the
personality .
Leder (1984) argues for a new paradigm in medical practice that will allow a
conceptualization of unity between body and mind, or psyche and soma. He calls this the
Leder's (1984) view of the inadequacy of treatment for child sexual abuse survivors
that is based solely on language and introspection, or a mental construction, has been widely
validated in recent years by clinical researchers (Goodwin, 1990; Putnam, 1990; Briere, 1992:
Whitfield, 1995; van der Kollc, 1995). Research findings that substantiate Our need for
investigating new approaches include: traumatic amnesia and dissociation are common
outcomes of child sexual abuse (Herman, 1987: Braun, 1989); early traumatic memories are
encoded and therefore retrieved from a child's perspective that requires developmental
experiences that are inflexible and invariable (van der Kolk & van der Hart. 1991) and are
therefore less accessible in ordinary states (Rossi, 1993); and traumatic rnemory is initially
organized on a non-verbal level and remembered and retrieved as sensory fragments that
have no linguistic components (Terr, 1991; van der Kolk, 1996). Thus research that
verbal therapy for effective treatment and illustrates the need for new, effective therapies.
Leder's (1984) perception of the new or non-conventional therapies is that they foster
health by directly realigning the intentions and processes of the active body:
Posture, muscle tension, hormonal and immune functioning are regarded not
just as machine processes but as intentional structures which can be
volitionally realigned. Techniques such as biofeedback and visualization are
used to aansform the preconceptual expressiveness of bodily functioning.
This bodily functioning, not that of a disembodied consciousness. is regarded
as the crucial locus of self-development, and of emotional as well as physical
healing. The lived-body is incorporated directIy into treatment (p. 4 1).
Schwartz-Salant (1982) agrees: "One c m do very well with a psychic, more mental,
comection, whether one works as a Jungian, Freudian, Reichian. Gestaltist. or out of any
other school of thought. And it is so much 'cleaner'. Unfortunately, it misses a good deal"
(p. 126). He cornments: "The reality is that analytic work from the vantage point of the
psychic unconscious is very poor at integrating those aspects of the psyche that are split off
and hidden by the narcissistic smcturing of the personality " (p. 126). Schwartz-Salant
(1982) advocates "worlcing through the somatic unconscious ... [towara a vision, an
emergence of the life of imaginal sight which can see the split-off Self" (p.122). He says
this "is a lunar rather than solar vision, a sight based upon imagination that is real in the
sense of being nearly corporeal, and experienced in a very close relationship to one's body"
(p. 122). I believe Schwartz-Salant makes a strong argument for a form of psychotherapy
that includes the experience of the body and the embodied self as a witness who can see.
Specifically, he appears to address the treatrnent of trauma, such as child sexual abuse, that
can result in a tendency toward dissociation when one is not grounded in one's body
experience.
Although the experience of the body at this point lacks language and empirical
investigation, limitations of " talk therapy " to incorporate bodily experience are apparent.
The present need is to begin researching areas of the body experience, or the "lived-body,"
Both verbal and body therapists are Iirnited in their ability to connect the psyche and
the soma. Verbal therapists are competent with the psyche white body therapists are
11
competent with the soma. Very few psychotherapists, however. have training and expertise
in both areas. Verbal therapists are not trained to notice and involve the client in dialogue
oriented ro the experience of the body. In addition, they may require special training chat
will facilitate awareness of their own body. Sirnilarly, many body-oriented therapiscs are
psychotherapy. The purpose of this study, then, is to show how a bridge rnay be formed
provision of such a bridge rnay facilitate clients' experience of healing in that her body is
choosing a methodology that does not involve specific [ouch or movement therapy
techniques. Rather, 1 include the experience of the body by focusing attention and intention
on it. This non-touch approach may be particularly relevant for survivors of child sexual
abuse since touch could be experienced as a violation of boundaries and cause intense
anxiety and associated symptoms. Broader goals of the study involve understanding the role
The area of body and body movement has always been preciominaritiy occupied by
fernales. 1 think that in this society the intellect is held in far higher esteem than the body
and emotions, and that this preference has originated from a predominantly masculine
perspective. 1 believe the body has been discrirninated against largely because of the
positivistic paradigrn. 1 hope this research will contribute to the exploration and validation
12
of women's experiences, and the intuitive "knowing" that is grounded in the experience of
the body.
Sexual abuse is a violation of the body -- abuse that is extemally derived and
directed toward the body. 1 believe these facts speak to the necessity of including the body
processes in recovery from child sexuai abuse. In addition, memories arising from the
body, or recorded by the body, will substantiate against clairns that the mernories are
fantasies or part of what has become popularly known as "false memory syndrome."
Lastly, child sexual abuse is predominantly a women's issue and I want to support women's
developrnent , particularly in the reclairning of their sexuality and the sacredness of their
body.
CHAP'IER 2
LïIBRATURlE REVIEW
A number of areas in the literature are potentially relevant to the topic of exploring the body
three of these areas: theories relating psyche and soma, the effects of child sexual abuse,
The importance of analyzing the experience of the body or including the knowledge of the
body in psychotherapy is not a new idea. In 1895, the father of modem psychology,
Sigmund Freud (in Sulloway, l979), diagramrned a schematic picture of sexuality that
"provided two logical sources of potentially neurotic disturbance within the organism: soma
and psyche" (p.105). Sulloway (1979) describes a four-pan analysis of Freud's design of
1) Somatic neurosis. Somatic sexual excitation may poison the soma, Freud
thought, without ever e n t e ~ the
g psyche; 2) Soma to psyche. Altematively.
Freud reasoned that somatic sexual excitation may gain successful access to
the psyche but, upon failing to € i d adequate discharge, may encounter
psychical defense against prolonged, undischarged sexual tension. The
consequence of such psychical defense against libido would be the
development of purely psychopathological symptorns -- for example,
obsessions and phobias; 3) The psyche and intemal psychical haemorrhaging.
Looking at the whole matter from the psyche's point of view, the psychical
sexual group can become the victirn of an insufficient linkage with its
terminal organ -- and therefore be forced to replenish its continually low level
of psychical sexual excitation by drawing upon closely associated nonsexual
neurones ...; 4) Psyche to soma -- the theory of conversion. Finally, in the
neurosis of hysteria, Freud assumed that the accumulation of a traumatic and
unabreacted quota of affect within the psyche induced defence (repression)
and caused a somatic conversion of emotion -- that is, a transfokation of this
trauma into bodily symptoms following psychically analyzable paths of
14
Sulloway (1979) cornrnents that in Freud's early writings he was consumed with the
Sulloway (1979) explains that Freud abandoned "The Project" because his attenpting
to solve the entire problern of psychology was ovenvhelming, involving much more than
simply explaining the defence of repression. However, we can assume that together with
Freud's theones regardhg conversion, the roots of Freudian psychology came from a strong
difference between the somatic unconscious and the psyche unconscious. Jung stated:
According to Jung (in Schwartz-Salant, 1982) "body and psyche are two aspects of
the same reality." "Self is both body and psyche, [and] the sou1 is the life of the body"
(p. 120). The subtie body, or somatic unconscious, represents the unconscious as perceived
by the body. Jung argued that since the unconscious is in the body, the only way it can
uuly be experienced is through the body. He believed that "the Self wants to live its
15
experiment in life, and if it is not willingly embodied it will manifest negatively in somatic
symptoms and phobias" (p.120). His description has direct relevance for sexual abuse
survivors who may present with somatic symptoms and frequently report a feeling of
The experience of the body and the practice of body-oriented approaches that may or
rnay not include memory retrieval has largely been excluded from psychotherapy. Grof (in
The old psychotherapies were based, by and large, on the Freudian model,
which held that everything that was happening in the psyche was
biographically determined. There was tremendous emphasis on verbal
exchange, and therapists operated just with psychological factors and left out
body processes (Capra, 1988, p. 2%).
Terr (1991), a well-known researcher in the area of childhood trauma and rnemory,
describes childhood trauma "as the mental result of one sudden, external blow or a series of
blows, rendering the young person temporarily helpless and breaking pasr ordinary coping
and defensive operations" (p. 11). Terr believes trauma originates from the outside and
never solely in the chiid's mind. Although she does not use the terms psyche and soma to
describe her theories, she believes the experience of childhood trauma c m affect biological
changes: " Childhood trauma may be accompanied by as yet unknown biological changes
that are stirnulated by the exteml events" (p. 11). Terr (1991) goes on to explain that
although the biological changes may begin as a result of outside influences, they effect
16
interna1 changes that persist. Terr's (1991) comment is reinforced by Hagglund et al.
(1980) who explain that "throughout life the ego structure and identity of an individual are
founded to a significant degree on the sensations and awareness of the body" (p.256). In
addition, these authors view each of the erogenous zones with its own "inner space which is
integrated into the body image and the body self as the child grows" (p.256).
Pert (1986),a neuroscientist, believes "neuropeptides and their receptors are a key to
understanding how mind and body are interconnected and how emotions can be manifested
throughout the body" (p. 9). She descnbes an " integrated system" she calls "bodymind, " in
which the brain, the glands, and the immune system are "joined together in a bi-directional
network of communication and that the information 'carriers' are the neuropeptides" (p. 14).
Pert (1986) hypothesizes that "perhaps mind is the information flowing among al1 of these
bodily parts ... maybe mind is what holds the network together" (p. 14). She explains that
emotions are in the body as well as the brain, and that she "no longer can make a
distinction between the brain and the body" (p. 12). Woodman (1996) views the
"comector" between the body and the mind as metaphor. She states: "Metaphor is the
Leder (1984), in an article entitied "Medicine and Paradigms of Embodiment, " states
his belief that it is a lack of language that prevents us from creating a paradigm that speaks
Leder (1984) outlines clearly the deficiencies that have become inherent in our
language to link the Cartesian dichotomy. Perhaps. at the same t h e , he also explains why
Freud was overwhelmed in his attempt to cornplete "The Project" and explain the entire
Finkelhor and Browne (1985) identiQ four core traumagenic dynamics or psychological
injuries inflicted by abuse: (1) traumatic sexualization. (2) beuayal, (3) powerlessness. and
(4) stigmatization. The authors suggest: "These dynamics alter children's cognitive and
emotional orientation to the world, and create trauma by distorting children's self-concept,
world view, and affective capacities" (p.531). Finkelhor and Browne (1985) have neglected
to recognize that the core dynamics of abuse that they describe alter not only children's
cognitive and emotional orientation to the world but also their physical orientation to the
world. That said, however, the authors describe one instance in which the experience of the
child's physical reality plays a role in the "dynamics" of sexual abuse; they "theorize that a
basic kind of powerlessness occurs in sexual abuse when a child's territory and body space
Browne and Finkelhor (1986), in an article entitled "Impact of Child Sexual Abuse:
A Review of the Literature" compared twenty-six studies on the topic, dividing the literature
18
according to initial effects, long-term effects. and effects by type of abuse. Within each of
these areas, they discussed three topics: (1) the children's emotional reactions and self-
perceptions; (2) their physical cornplaints and somatic complaints; and (3) effects on their
sexudity. In the author's review, they stressed the importance of investigating the initial as
well as the long-term effects of chiid sexual abuse. Browne and Finkeihor (1986) "prefer
the term initial effects ... because 'short-temTimplies that the reactions do not persist -- an
assumption that has yet to be substantiated" (p.66).
They went on to state that the initial effects of child sexual abuse present in some
portion of the victim population are reactions of fear, anxiety, depression, anger, hostility,
and inappropriate sexual behaviour. However, the authors concluded that empirical
Regarding the long-term effects of child sexual abuse the pair limited their
However, Browne and Finkelhor (1986) state that many of the studies on the initial
and long-term effects of chiid sexual abuse are speculations by clinicians rather than studies
Such speculations offer fruitful directions for research. Unfortunately ... only
a few studies on the effects of semal abuse have had enough cases and been
sophisticated enough methodologically to look at these questions empirically.
Furthemore, the studies addressing these issues have reached little consensus
in their fmdings (p.72).
19
Despite their criticisms, Browne and Finkelhor (1986) conclude that child sexual
abuse has serious negative effects on the victirns. In the authors' words, the literature
investigating the effects of child sexuai abuse "conveys a strong suggestion that sema1 abuse
is a serious mental health problem, consistently associated with very disturbing subsequent
and type 11 trauma. Type 1 trauma is characterized by one sudden-blow trauma; type 11
trauma is the result of long-standing or repeated ordeals. She proposes that children will
differ according to the type of trauma they have experienced; some children will experience
(1991) found: (1) full, detailed memories, (2) the presence of "omens" or retrospective
reworkings, cognitive reappraisals, reasons, and turning points, (3) misperceptions and
mistimings.
The fust such event, of course, creates surprise. But the subsequent
unfolding of horrors creates a sense of anticipation. Massive attempts to
protect the psyche and to preserve the self are put into gear. The defenses
and coping operations used in the type II disorders of childhood -- massive
denial, repression, dissociation, self-anaesthesia, self-hypnosis, identification
with the aggressor, and aggression tumed against the self -- often lead to
profound character changes in the youngster (p. 14).
feeling, intense rage, and unremitting sadness. She explains that in the case of type II
Terr (1991) cornments further that four charactenstics are comrnon to al1 people
perceptions, (2) repeated behaviours and bodily responses, (3) trauma-specific fears, and (4)
revised ideas about people, life, and the funire. Oddly , Terr does not include "bodily
responses" in her summary of the four characteristics in her initial abstract or in the body of
the paper; the inclusion is only made in her conclusion (p. 19).
In a later article, Terr (1993) found children have "pessirnism about the future"
(p.1543) which confims Briere's (1988) conclusion that for the adult women in his snidy.
childhood sexual victimization led to "negative cognitions and perceptions regarding self,
others, and the future" (p. 376). In addition, Briere (1988) concluded that sexual
elaborate over time ... and archaic coping behaviors that cease to be adaptive in the
postabuse environment" (p.376). Browne and Finkelhor (1986) compared the findings of
studies concerning the effects of various kinds of abuse. The areas they analyzed to assess
for effects were: duration and frequency of abuse; relationship to the offender; type of
sexual act; force and aggression; age at omet; sex of offender; adolescent and adult
perpetrators; telling or not telling; parental reaction; and institutional response. Although
one might assume that the severity of the impact -- for exarnple, of longer duration, greater
frequency, parental figure perpetrator, the use of force or aggression, younger age at onset,
21
experiences involving genital contact, lack of support for disclosing -- would result in
greater trauma, Browne and Finkelhor (1986) cautioned that the research presented
contradictory results and "it would appear that there is no contributing factor that al1 smdies
Herman et al. (1986) studied the long-term effects of incestuous abuse in the
childhood of women and found that the severity of the incest correlated to the occurrence of
long-term effects. The authors cornpared a non-clinical sample and an outpatient sarnple of
adult women and found that the majority of women in the community had been upset by
their incest experiences, but believed they had recovered well. "Most women who had
suffered forceful, prolonged, or highly intrusive sexual abuse, or who had been abused by
their father or stepfather, reported long-lasting negative effects. The patients ' sample
reported histories comparable to the most severe traumatic histories in the community
sample" (p.1293). The authors concluded that it is beyond the adaptive capacities of al1 but
Briere and Runtz (1987) studied a clinical sample of 152 women and found child
sexual abuse histories in approximately 44 percent of the cases. The history of child sexual
abuse was associated with increased dissociation, sleep disturbance, tension, sexual
problems, anger, suicide attempts, substance addiction. and revictirnization. A recent study
by DeGroot et al. (1992) found that in a population of 184 female outpatients diagnosed for
anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, or anorexia nervosa with bulimia, approximately 25 %
Leserman et al. (1995) conclude that a "growing number of studies provide strong evidence
of a link between the history of sexual and physical abuse in women and hnctional
disorders such as imtable bowel syndrome and pelvic pain" (p.23). The authors suggesc
that although many other medical conditions, including headaches, may be associated with
In her book, Trauma and Recoveq, Herman (1992) suggests that people who have
As well, Herman (1992) suggests that survivors "may need to devote separate
medication may sornetirnes be necessary" (p.187). While this may be the case, including
the body in the process of reconstruction might enable sexual abuse survivors to integrate in
positively affected. The methodology presented in this study is one arnong what could be
many approaches connecting the experience of the psyche and soma dunng the
23
reconstruction of mernones. This rnay result in the functional integration of physiological
Perhaps Terr (1991) sums up the possible effects of child sexual abuse when she
Like rheumatic fever, childhood trauma creates changes that may eventually
lead to a nurnber of different diagnoses. But also like rheumatic fever,
childhood trauma must aiways be kept in mind as a possible underlying
mechanism when (these) various conditions appear (p. 19).
Terr makes two points in this statement. First, that like rheumatic fever the initial
and long-term effects of child sexual abuse do not follow a set direction; that is, each
individual's experiences will Vary. Second, sexual abuse in childhood should not be mled
How each individual develops through life is greatly influenced by personality and by
genetic, social, and cultural factors, arnong others. Thus, where one person may somacize
or create an eating disorder in response to the experience of child sexual abuse, another
a child's memory functions and what happens to children's rnemories between childhood and
adulthood.
Citing Piaget, van der K o k and van der Han (1991) explain that modes of encoding
information reflect stages of the central nervous system development: maturing involves a
Fundudis (1989) explains that memory based on recognition is easier for children
than rnemory based on free-recall because children's recollections, although not less
accurate, will contain much less information. Benedek and Schetky (1987) also state the
mernories of children tend to be more fragrnented and less complete than those of adults,
and that it is difficult for children to relate one set of events to another and organize
disparate elements into a cohesive whole because of the lack of prior knowledge (Benedek
Fundudis (1989) makes the distinction between episodic mernory or memory recall
focusing on specific details about Urnes, dates and locations, and script memory or rnemory
25
recall of a p s t event in a form that is a recounting of selected details that are personally
relevant to the individual. Details about times, dates, and locations are not relevant to
children unûl age seven; they will remember in a script memory fashion where they can
that event need to be disthguished (Fundudis, 1989). In the case of the experience of
sexual abuse, a child is unlikely to have the cognitive understanding of the act. A child
may, however, interpret the sexual events in relation to hislher own development. For
exarnple, a young child may interpret sexual touch as a showing of affection, and lack the
language development and sexual and emotional manirity to articulate the experience. Also,
a child's memory representation may contain emotions helshe does not understand on a
cognitive level. Fundudis (1989) confinns that the "effect of abuse is sufficiently significant
for the event to be stored in the child's memory and for it to be capable of being retrieved
Cognitive factors, sexual immaturity , memory , language, emotional factors, and the
identity of the interviewer will also affect how a person remembers an experience of trauma
from childhood (Benedek & Schetky, 1987). In agreement with Fundudis (1989), Benedek
and Schetkey (1987) state children will interpret events according to where they are in their
sexual development. As a result sexual abuse may not be interpreted as "sexual activity,
per se, but rather as an aggressive attack and violation of his or her body or as a form of
affection" (p.912).
The clinical evidence of Terr (1988) indicates that "the timing of a traumatic event in
a child's life, the nurnber of events that happen, and the length of thne of the trauma have
26
sornething to do with how well an early trauma will be recalled" (p. 104). Nelson (1993)
with adults in activity contexts where those f o m s are employed." (p. 12) at the earliest in
Van der Kolk and van der Hart (1991) substantiate Terr's findings. They expiain
how modem research indicates that infantile amnesia is the result of a Iack of myelinization
of the hippocampus:
non-logical. In addition, details are selected for persona1 relevance. Children's memories
of trauma are affected by the factors of age, number of events, and duration of the trauma.
shows that stressful memories are likely to be lost although the feelings will persist. This
evidence points toward the need for an approach to memory retrieval that does not rely on
the intellect.
In Freud's early work, he cites the experience of traumatic sexual abuse in childhood as the
factor responsible for the developrnent of later pathology in adult women patients. By early
1896, Freud had corne to the conclusion that the neuropsychoses of defence are caused by
27
child (Sulloway, 1984). Later Freud dismissed this idea, apparently due to social pressure,
and instead decided that women's recall of early traumatic sexual insult is fantasy and
shouid not be believed (Sulloway, 1979; Masson, 1984). Fundudis (1984) argues that
statistics confinn the high incidence of child sexual abuse in Our culture and that the
psychoanaiytic viewpoint that memones of childhood sexual abuse are fantasy is far too
exaggerated. He states that although studies documenting the incidence of child sema1
abuse are conducted retrospectively, they are sufficiently substantive to counter any
suggestion that child sexual abuse is an imagined rather than a real problem.
Johnson and Foley (1984) exarnined the question of whether children are worse than
adults in discriminating real from imagined events in memory. They concluded there is
iittle direct experirnental support for the pervasive belief that children have more difficulty
than adults in discriminating what they perceive from what they imagine.
In the "Psychopathology of Everyday Life" (1901), Freud states that "today, forgetting has
perhaps become more of a puzzle than remembering, ever since we have learnt from the
study of dreams and pathological phenornena that even something we thought had been
forgotten long ago rnay suddeniy re-emerge in consciousness " (p. 134).
Incest and child sema1 abuse have been related to psychogenic amnesia and other
dissociative symptoms by many researchers (Herman & Schatzow, 1987; Braun, 1989; van
der Koik & van der Hart, 1991). Whitfield (1995), in reference to adults, states that when
memory of the experience, (2) memory of only parts of it, or (3) a vacillating conhision
In group therapy with women incest nirvivors, Herman and Schatzow (1987) found
that three facrors influence the extent to which a memory of abuse is repressed -- age of
Women who reported no memory deficits were generaily those whose abuse
had begun or continued well into adolescence. Mild to moderate memory
deficits were usually associated with abuse that began in latency and ended by
early adolescence. Marked memory deficits were usuatly associated with
abuse that began early in childhood, often in the preschool years, and ended
before adolescence (p .4-5).
styles and symptoms between people with varying degrees of memory of their abuse. The
authors found that people with full recall wish they could repress theu memories and depend
on dissociation and isolation of affect to protect them from ovenvhelming feelings. Often
this group of survivors will describe themselves as " nurnb, " " frozen, " "in a fog, " or
"behind a glass wall" (p.6). It is significant that these descriptions tend to relate to bodily
sensations. Herman and Schatzow (1987) also found that when these women's resource of
dissociation fails hem, they resort to maladaptive coping strategies including somatization
psychotic episodes.
Herman and Schatzow (1987) observe that people with mild to moderate memory
deficits recover additional mernories in the context of group therapy and the stimulation of
listening to others' stories. Individuals with severe memory deficits have complete amnesia
29
for childhood experiences with the exception of recurrent intrusive images that are
associated with extreme anxiety. This group of women experience flashback images of the
abuser and panic states when they attempt sexual intirnacy. In addition, they are
preoccupied with obsessive doubt over whether their victimization is real or fantasized.
A second group of women in Herman and Schauow's (1987) study had "complete
arnnesia until a recent experience triggered sudden, drarnatic recall of sexual trauma in
stress disorder" (p.8). Repressed memories are experienced as extremeiy painful and
experiences as though they are occurrhg in the present is a cornmon theme among this
group of wornen.
Hedges (1994) states that there is "no existing theory of memory derived from a
century of intense psychoanalytic observation that supports the layman's naive view of
massive repression followed by full and reliable recall" (p.30). Clinically we have abundant
evidence that factors ranging from age, duration. degree of violence, and adaptive style of
Hartman and Burgess (1988) propose an Information Processing of Trauma Mode1 that
begins with a sensory level as the basic experience, a perceptuai level that begins
classification of sensory processing, and a cognitive level that organizes experience into
rneaning systems.
Traumatic memories are distinctive in at least two ways that are important for this
discussion: (1) they are extenially derived, and (2) they are not amenable to linguistic
compared to intemally derived psychic ones, are more likely to contain temporal and spatial
information than are drearns or fantasies. Detail and sensory information about taste, smell.
Johnson and Foley (1984) propose that intemally and externally derived memories
differ along specific dimensions: externally derived memories are typically more detailed,
more sensory in content, with more spatial and temporal information; internally derived
memories are more schematic and include more information about the thought processes
central nervous system, van der Kolk and van der Hart (1991) argue that "theexperience [of
trauma] cannot be organized on a linguistic level and this failure to arrange the memory in
that "when people are exposed to trauma, that is, a frightening event outside of ordinary
31
human experience, they experience 'speechless terror"' (p.442). Van der Kolk (1996)
extends this observation, relating speechless terror to the deactivation of Broca's area in rhe
brain. which "is responsible for translating personal experiences into communicable
language " (p. 295). van der Kolk holds this phenornenon responsible for the way trauma
survivors with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) have a tendency "to experience
emotions as physical states rather than as verbally encoded experiences. These findings
indicate that PTSD patients' difficulties puning feelings into words are reflected in actual
retains the trauma experience. Fine (1990) states that an abusive environment in childhood
will lead to cognitive schemas that reflect the abuse history. Such cognitive inflexibility
indicates some schernas remain untouched by abuse whereas others may be "shactered or
larned" and that this "may explain the differential cognitive lacunae observed in abuse
survivors" (p. 173-4). Hedges (1994) presents a somatic version of the inflexible schemas
described by Fine (1990): "The threshold to more flexible somatic experience is guarded by
painful sensations (parallel with Freud's [1926] theory of 'signal anxiety') erected to prevent
hture venniring into places once experienced as painful by the infant or developing toddler"
(p.29-30). These observations coincide with earlier cited material on the physiological
Fraiberg (1982) extends these findings, concluding that not oniy can trauma be
"obliterated, " it c m also be transformed from pain into pleasure. In her study of
pathological defenses in infants between the ages of three and eighteen months who had
33
experienced danger and deprivation to some degree. she found thar early defenses of
"avoidance, freezing and fighting" appear from a biological repertoire on the mode1 of
"flight or fight" (p.612). Fraiberg (1982) makes it clear that she is not talking about
"defence mechanisms which can be assumed to function only when an ego, properly
speaking, has emerged" (p.613). She finds that "before there is an ego. pain can be
transfomed into pleasure or obliterated from consciousness while a symptom stands in place
of the original conf?ictW(p.612). Fraiberg (1982) discusses her work with infants and how
The human infant, of course, does not have 'fighting' capability until motor
advances and concomitant drive progression emerge at the close of the first
year. The forms of avoidance ... in these deprived infants employ a cutoff
mechanism in perception which selectively edits the mother's face and voice
and apparently serves to ward off painhl affects. 1 have suggested that this
elementary form of defense against the perception of a painful stimulus may
be related to forms of defense employed in later ego organization when
repression and those cornpound defenses which make use of repression close
off the perception of a painhl stimulus at the threshold of consciousness.
The transformations of affect which 1have described in infants in the first
half of the second year tell us that long before there is an ego, pain can be
uansformed into pleasure ..., and pain can be obliterated from consciousness
while a symptom, such as Cindy 's eye rubbing, stands in place of the original
conflict. The deviant course of aggression in these deprived and imperiled
infants is seen at the beginning of the second year of life when aggression is
discharged in wild outbursts in one moment and tumed back upon the self in
self-injury in another moment. And finally, Our attention is drawn to the
picture of the infant when these defenses fail before the formidable task of
defending without defenders. 1 have described disintegrative States in which
the child flails and screams and is demonstrably out of touch with his
surround (p -632-633).
Levine (1992) extends the fight, flight. freeze repertoire to include "collapse." He
explains that when the "danger-orientation and preparedness to flee are not successful, when
they are blocked or inhibited" there is "blockage which results in freezing and anxiety-
33
Fraiberg's (1982) statements are congruent with Freud's (1938) view of how
the connection between the bodily experience of sexual abuse and the way other syscerns and
parts of the body c m become associated with that abuse: "rnysterious" disturbances of non-
semai disturbances encroach upon other functions of the body. .... For
example, the lip zone, the comrnon possession of both functions, is
responsible for the fact that sema1 gratification originates during the intake of
nourishment; the sarne factor offers also an explanation for the disturbances
in the taking of nourishment if the erogenous functions of the common zone
are disturbed (p.603).
Terr (1994) discusses her experience as an expert witness during the trial People us.
Franklin in which an adult woman testified against her father for the killing of her girlfriend
when they were children. Terr explains: "1 look for intemal confirmation -- clusters of
symptoms and signs of Eileen's trauma" (p.33). As it happened, Eileen pulled her hair out
in the same spot on her head where her father killed her young girlfriend with a rock before
Since al1 the lobes of the cortex are involved in memory, a memory is not
just the picture or the sound that person once perceived. The memory would
encompass, for example, Eileen's bodily attitude at the t h e she witnessed
Susan Nason's murder, her sense of the environment at the place she and her
father stopped, her position above Susan, her father's presence, the condition
of her intenial organs (a clutched stomach, perhaps), the words she thought --
in short, almost everything. When Eileen's rnernory came back, many
sensory and thinking pathways, or circuits, that had been comected with her
perceptions during the Nason murder reactivated, bringing her the sensation
of a memory (p.44).
When T'en (1994) assists a client to remember trauma she asks questions about body
position, clothing, and awareness of others being present. These questions could be viewed
as body-oriented memory cues, and indicate that she is searching for the "sensation of a
34
memory ."
Freyd (1994) hypothesizes that "the degree to which a trauma involves a sense of
influence the individual's (1) cognitive encoding of the experience of trauma. (2) the degree
to wkich the event is easily accessible to awareness, and (3) the psychological as well as the
behavioral responses" (p.308). It is possible to apply Freyd's (1994) " theory of trauma" not
o d y to the "violation of the basic ethic or metaethic of human relationships" (p.308) but
also to a profound disturbance of the intrapsychic relationships between the body, intellect,
emotions. and spirit. This application makes it possible to acknowledge trauma survivors'
extreme sense of betrayal by their body. In their experience, the body, originally the reason
Rossi (1993) defmes state-dependent leaming and memory as a process in which "what is
learned and remembered is dependent on one's psychophysiological state at the tirne of the
experience" (p.47). Rossi (1993) States: "Since rnemory is dependent upon and limited to
the state in which it was acquired, we Say it is 'state-bound information"' (p.49). Rossi
leaming, and behaviour mediated by the limbic-hypothalarnic system, are the two
dependent memory, leaming, and behaviour phenornena as the "'missing link' in all
previous theories of mind-body relationships " (p. 68). For exarnple, Rossi (1993) views
psychophysiological condition even after the patient apparently returns to his normal mode
of functioning" (p.81).
leamhg to the French neurologist Pierre Janet who pioneered the area of trauma and
recovery in the late 1800s and early 1900s (van der Kolk et al., 1991; Whidield, 1995).
Janet (in van der Kolk et al., 1991) also recognized that traumatic memory is state
which are rerniniscent of the original traumatic situation. These situations trigger the
traumatic memory. ... When one element of a traumatic experience is evoked, al1 other
Tulving (in van der Kolk & van der Hart, 1991) demonstrated that remembering
events always depends on the interaction between encoding and retrieving conditions: "The
more the contexnial stimuli resemble conditions prevailing at the time of the original
storage, the more retrieval is likely. Thus, memories are reactivated when a person is
exposed to a situation, or is in a somatic state, reminiscent of the one when the original
memory was stored" (p 4 5 ) . "Since traumatic rnemories are state dependent, Janet drew
the conclusion that patients needed to be brought back to the state in which the memory was
first laid down in order to create a condition in which the dissociated memory of the past
Janet (in van der Kolk & van der Hart, 1991) also believed that: "successfril
action of the organism upon the environment is essential for the successful
integration of mernories: 'the healthy response to stress is mobilization of
adaptive action. He even viewed active memory itself as an action: 'memory
is an action: essentially it is the action of telling a story. ' This notion keeps
coming back in the works of modem neurobiolgists. For example, Edelmean
(1991) States that 'action is fundamental to perception: both sensory and
motor ensembles must operate together to produce perceptual categorization"'
(p -446) -
When action is impossible, perception is irnpeded or distorted. Van der Kolk and
van der Hart (1991) explain: "It is likely that psychological and physical immobilization are
explain that feelings of helplessness and physical or emotional paralysis are fundamental to
making an experience traumatic because the person was unable to take any action that could
affect the outcome of events. van der Kolk and van der Hart (1991) do not speak directly
to the effects on the body of this "helplessness" and resulting " immobilization."
Terr's (1994) discovery of the key nature for memory retrieval of the "sensation of a
memory " receives support from van der Kolk and Fisler (1995), who state:
Van der Kolk (1996) explains further that rnemory for traumatic events increases as
more sensory modalities are activated. His findings are congruent with Terr's rationale for
her reuieval technique, in which she questions clients about sensory material surrounding
the trauma memory in order to retrieve more details. van der Kok (1996) states:
Ail these subjects, regardless of the age at which the trauma occurred,
claimed that they initially 'remembered' the trauma in the form of
somatosensory flashback experiences. These flashbacks occurred in a varîety
of modalities: visual, olfactory , affective, auditory, and kinaesthetic, but
initially these sensory modalities did not occur together. As the trauma came
into consciousness with greater intensity, more sensory modalities were
activated and the subjects' capacity to tell themselves and others what actually
had happened emerged over time (p.289).
Van der Kolk (1996) explains that "the very nature of traumatic memory is to be
components" (p.289). Waites (1993) explains how dissociation is a component of the state
dependency :
traumatic remembering. Because the body is concrete and contains unchanged confirmation
Waites (1995) explains that dissociation can extend to the extreme of dissociative
According to van der Kok (l994), traumatic memories may emerge from these
dissociative states involuntarily when the person is in a non-ordinary state that resembles the
Anthony (196 l), in an article entitled "A Snidy of Screen Sensations, " comments that
the "conditions" that trigger "screen sensations " involve foremost a state of " regression"
that is part of the analytic process (p.238). He continues: "The depth to which regression
attains has a close bearing on the reappearance of early sensations and is related in pan to
the quality of the transference development and in part to certain inherent characteristics in
Waites (1993) explains that a trauma survivor's "sense of reality is. of course. cornpticated
not only by familial beliefs but by developmental and traumatic factors in the encoding and
retrieval of memories" (p.7 1). Some survivors expenence increased anxiety in the process
of recovering memones, but generally the new memories enable thern to form a more
realistic picture of their families and a Less cntical estimate of themselves (Herman &
Schatzow, 1987). Johnson and Foley (1984) comment that overall memory will improve
when the original physicai or cognitive context of the trauma is reinstated. van der Kolk
and Fisler (1995) point out that "people who have learned to cope with trauma by
continued use of dissociation as a way of coping with stress interferes with the capacity to
fully attend to Me's ongoing challenges" (p.513). van der Kolk and van der Hart (1991)
state that "in the case of complete recovery, the person does not suffer any more from the
Van der Kolk and van der Hart (199 1) explain that "traumatic memories are the
unassimilated scraps of overwhelming experiences, which need to be integrated with existing
mental schemes, and be transformed into narrative language. It appears that, in order for
this to occur successfully, the ûaurnatized person has to retum to the memory often in order
to complete it" (p 447). van der Koik and Fisler (1995) recognize that sirnply learning to
put traumatic experience into a personal narrative will not reliably abolish the occurrence of
flashbacks. Van der Kolk (1996) concludes that "because of the very nature of dissociative
psychopathology, many such patients regularly enter States in which they partially or
completely reexpenence the trauma, without any resolution whatsoever. Controlling
dissociation and integrating the traumatic experience must be the goal " (p. 3 10).
Herman and Schatzow (1987) raise the question of whether it is necessary to break
the barriers of repression to uncover traumatic memories when such breakthroughs are
marked by powerful affect and temporary ego disorganization. The authors respond to their
own question:
It is our impression ... that the retrieval and validation of repressed memories
has an important role in the recovery process. With the return of memory,
the patient has an oppomnity as an adult to integrate an experience that was
beyond her capacity to endure as a child. The purpose of reliving the
experience with full affect is not simply one of catharsis, but of reintegration.
Symptoms, feelings, and behaviours that previously seemed inexplicably
bizarre, and ego-alien become comprehensible; the patient becomes more
comprehensible to herself, and more able to construct meaning in her life
history. In addition, the relief of particular posttraumatic symptoms
following recovery of memory is often dramatic. This process has been well
documented in the Iiterature on victims of many types of ovenvheiming
trauma, ranging from child abuse to rape, torture, and combat (p. 12).
Briere (1992) suggests that going beyond the "verbal-analytic renditions" of the
person's abuse to the "associated sensory components ... the clinician may facilitate a more
integrated (less dissociated) reexperiencing of abusive events, and thus potentially a more
complete resolution of posttraumatic difficulties " (p. 133). Briere (1992) continues: " Some
clinicians, in fact, encourage clients to draw, paint, or in some other nonverbal modality
depict their abuse experiences in order to access the less linear, more sensory components
Briere (1992) suggests that the survivor's amnesia may be an unconscious decision
"to inhibit recall of events that would produce extreme distress if acknowledged." He
recognizes that amnesia in this case is less a pathological process and more an adaptive
41
strategy. He cautions the therapist to "consider the vaiidity of methods that dramaticaliy
increase access to repressed memories. since the unconscious communication from the
survivor (by v h e of the amnesia) is that he or she does not believe complete knowledge is
in his or her immediate best interests." Failure to act on the meaning of this "unconscious
communication" may result in exposing the survivor to information and experiences that
may exceed his or her capacity and result in a crisis (p. 134-135).
Briere (1992) acknowledges that there are instances when memory deficits are a
result of state-dependent leaming. With reference to van der Koik (1989), Briere suggests
that "the survivor whose abuse occurred under conditions of extreme fear or shock ... may
not have access to such memories when in a more 'normal'" (lower or different) arousal
state; for instance, during the typical psychotherapy session" (p. 134).
during regdar psychotherapy" (p.134). He explains "for exarnple, as the client recalls a
transferential reactions are often evoked, thereby leading hirther into the memory. As a
result, the survivor is able slowly to re-create abuse-related affective and cognitive
believes "this process has advantages over hypnosis in that it (a) arises smoothly and in an
integrated fashion from the process of treatment, rather than switching to a new therapeutic
modality, and @) unfolds more clearly under the client's control, at his or her own pace"
(p. 135). Bnere views the "safety, trust, and comectedness of the positive therapeutic
relationship" as involving a reciprocal process whereby the "therapeutic safety and support
encourage memory recall, and growing recall reinforces the validity and importance of the
42
therapeutic relationship" (p. 135). Remarkably, Briere (1992) has neglected to recognize
that the body is a potential resource for this gradua1 retneval of sensory material.
(1994) describes how catharsis without resolution can become an ongoing mindless activity
symptoms and terror" (p.63). Hedges (1994) believes that in the case of intense trauma,
Hedges identifies the limitations of a simplistic approach to body experiences. His point of
view demonstrates the necessity for a clear representation of what the body can offer as a
resource in psychotherapy .
Waites (1993) States that "the dangers of emotional flooding" have been illustrated
requires talking about bodily experiences and sensations" (p. 181). Waites's comrnents
speak to the importance of not taking about the body from an intellectual perspective or
simply as an access to ernotional content of experience, but rather allowing the body to have
its own voice and to speak from the perspective of its expenence. Such experience offers
the client an opportunity to differentiate her experience of her body in the present from that
of the past. Waites (1993) states: "The transference features of the therapeutic relationship
require continual acknowledgement and clarification in order to help the client differentiate
the nonabusive relationship with the therapist in the present from abusive relationships in the
sex abuse victirns makes this material and associated self-concepts relatively impervious to
standard psychotherapy " (p. 126)- Putnam (1990) advocates treatment that addresses
disturbances of self found in victims of childhood sexual abuse. He recognizes that "in
many instances, adjunctive treatment modalities (e.g., art therapy , rnovement therapy) may
be more effective with certain disturbances of self (e.g., body-image distortions) than
Goodwin (1990), in her discussion about what we have learned from victimized
children, concludes that "especially with severely symptomatic adult victims, treatment may
need to focus on 1) physical sensations and symptoms and the achievement of physical
safety; ... [and. (2)] the systematic identification of posttraumatic symptoms and the
practical to approach each memory as a separate entity. There are sirnp!y too many
incidents, and often similar memories have blurred together. Usually, however, a few
distinct and particularly meaningful incidents stand out. Reconstruction of the trauma
narrative is ofien based heavily upon these paradigrnatic incidents, with the understanding
recovery (p. 1997). According to Herman (1992) recovery from trauma unfolds in three
stages: (1) the establishment of safety; (2) remembrance and mourning; and (3) recomection
with ordinas, life. Hennan (1994) States: "The success of treatrnent does not depend on the
retneval of memories the way the success of a fishing expedition depends on the catching of
fish. One does not have to uncover a buried memory in order to feel better and perform
better (p. 160). ... One way to determine whether sorneone's memory is false is to look for
complain of physical sensations similar to those originally felt. The child will fear a
repetition of the episode, and will often feel generally and unduly pessimistic about the
WhitfieId (1995) continues: "recovery cannot proceed successfuIly only in Our head.
It must also be experienced in our heart, guts and bones -- in the deepesr fibre of Our being"
offer the following guidelines. Whitfield (1995) cautions, "do not assume, lead or suggest
anything about the content of past trauma" (p. 184). Briere (1992) suggests: "The process of
memory recovery should be a gentle, nonintrusive one - a process that respects the
survivors' unconscious choice not to remember certain things at certain times, sometimes
despite his or her conscious statements" (p. 136). Van der Kolk (1989) stresses:
1 believe the accumulated evidence of these clinical studies creates a strong argument
for the inclusion of body experience and its sensory-perceptual rnodalities in the process of
rnemory retrieval, validation of childhood memories, and in any recovery process that has
its goal holistic healing from child sexuai abuse trauma. The body is an entity that can Pace
and measure memories, reclaim control and authority, and differentiate as well as bridge the
past, present, and future. One needs to have a body to own a body, and one needs to own a
body to recognize it as a part of oneself that needs to be nurtured and loved. The first step
in the path of healing is reclaiming ownership of one's body. Individuals who experiencrd
early sexual abuse and as a consequence could not articulate what had occurred and/or those
who were traumatized in such a fashion that the memories becarne state bound because of
extreme fear and shock require non-ordinary and non-intellectually dominated States for
memory retrieval and reintegration. The research cited in this section has demonstrated that
The central objective in this research project is to investigate the experience of the body as
processing for the purpose of healing women who have identified themselves as survivors of
childhood sexual abuse. A further objective is to investigate ways in which the inclusion of
This research seeks to begin to answer that question by asking the following
research-related questions:
How does the body experience link with psychological integration in the
participants' process of healing?
Five years ago 1 found myself in the midst of the debate about whether traumatic memories
could be repressed and later rernernbered. In response 1 wanted to find a way to enable
women survivors of sexual abuse to reclaim their bodies and through exploring their bodily
experiences, "ground" in the "laiowing" of its experience. Since evidence suggests that
memory is in the body (van der Kolk, 1994), body experiences may further validate the
occurrence of trauma.
often, particularly in initial sessions, women survivors are not able to benefit €rom touch
therapy because external physical contact easily triggen a return to traumatic body-oriented
sessions where the therapist employed in essence a primarily verbal approach while her
hands did not relate to what 1 was experiencing. 1 understood that I needed to develop a
technique in which the participant would feel in control and where she could continue to be
grounded in her body throughout the experience. 1spent w o decades teaching people to
images and anatomy terrns to facilitate kinaesthetic learning and energy currenting. 1
decided to use the verbal modality as a means of offering women survivors a renewed
for a conceptualized view of the self that includes the body; 2) my training and expenence
in touch and movement therapy; and 3) the need for the development of an appropriate
therapeutic relationship for sexual abuse swivors that reflects the intensity and distinctive
related literanire for cornparison and contrast. At the end. 1 present a description of what
Twenty years ago, 1 snidied Jungian psychology intensively with Dr. Jakob Arnstutz. Car1
from his work I have developed the term "psyche-soma link." Jung (1935) created
terminology for inclusion of the body in the self, "the physiological unconscious, the so-
Somewhere our unconscious becomes material, because the body is the living
unit, and Our conscious and our unconscious are embedded in it: they contact
the body. Somewhere there is a place where the two ends meet and become
interlocked. And that is the place where one cannot say whether it is matter,
or what one calls 'psyche' (p. 441).
psychosynthesis theory and its technique of guided imagery, which 1 studied with Dr. John
Weiser and Ann Weiser. Psychosynthesis offers a concepnial framework and a language for
speaking about psychological experience from a holistic perspective that has directly
framework, psychosynthesis offers a conceptualization of self that includes the body. as well
as the higher self and transpersonal experience. The Italian psychiatrist, Roberto Assagioli.
various aspects of human experience -- physical, emotional. mental, and essential (related to
essence, identity. being, will) (Crampton, 1977). Psychosynthesis considers itself more
holistic than other current therapies, which tend to focus on the link between two of die
three personality vehicles . " Approaches like psychoanalysis, transactional analysis, and
bioenergetics, and prima1 therapy utilize primarily the link between body and the emotions;
and approaches like the martial arts, the Alexander technique, and the Feldenkrais method
are based on the link between mind and body. Psychosynthesis recognizes al1 these links
and uses whichever of them seem most appropriate to the situation" (Crampton. 1977.
p.40).
of symptoms that need to be cured but rather as an indication of an energy blockage that
needs to be explored. Assagioli used the term "subpersonality map" to describe the "small
1's that speak for the part rather than for the whole person." His term, "personality
vehicles map," refers to the body, the emotions. and the mind. "These three components,
which make up the personali~,are like 'vehicles' for the Self because they are its media of
developed and coordinated with the others so that the personality expression is balanced and
harmonious. Some people are so identified with one of the personality components that they
51
are cut off €rom other aspects. Such a split is most cornrnon between the mind and the
verbally about the parts of Our self and how the body, emotions, and mind porentially
represent aspects of each part. Psychosynthesis has greatly influenced me because it accepts
the relevance of the experience of the body and 1 have found validation through its existence
and language. Although Assagioli's intention was to offer the three "personality vehicles"
on an equal footing, 1 feel that this method lacks techniques for exploring the body and its
links with the other vehicles. A second limitation of this method, at least for my purposes,
1have also been influenced by my training with Bonnie Bainbridge Cohen. Through an
expenential process she calls "Body-Mind Centering," Cohen teaches that mind is
everywhere in the body, and that mind refers to mind of being , not the intellect exclusively.
Cohen teaches that being present in one's body involves understanding how attention and
differentiating the rnind States of being present in various tissue or body systems ultimately
leads to an integration of the body experience. Focusing on the physical systems of the
physical experiences. The resultant body/movement knowledge, when combined with the
mind's constant presence in the tissue, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually leads, 1
body, in their usual fragments. Self-knowledge of the body, of the intellect. and of the
emotions comes together through a profound persona1 joumey to acknowledge the whole
The body, when allowed, is a source of knowledge and healing and not simply a
means to an end. From this perspective, body parts or the body as a whole are perceived
with a new clarity and understood to possess information and awareness about the self.
Frorn existing clinical knowledge of therapy for sexual abuse survivors, a non-authontarian,
client's boundaries, allows her to expenence control of the process. Marion Woodman
(1984) describes a process she calls the "feminine forward." waiting. respecting. and
witnessing of the self that includes trust in the body experience as a source of knowledge.
It is expected that the most meaningful experience and what is most relevant to the clients'
participant's process, allowing it to unfold, and offer both non-verbal and verbal support.
Often my words are an echo providing neither interpretation nor direction. Frequently al1
that a participant needs is the suggestion to stay with a feeling, or "hang out" with her body
experience so she can let herself go deeper. Hendricks and Hendricks (1993) advocate what
they cal1 the "presencing principle" in their method of body-centred psychotherapy. This
53
principle involves a similar type of being present and providing attention within the therapy
relationship.
As a therapist, cornfortable with the body, 1 do not need to "know" anything except
to trust and foilow the wisdom of its experience. Schwartz-Salant (1982) validates my
perspective: "by not having to know we are much less involved in power-rnotivated
consciousness and physical babblings, a new order c m appear" (p. 125). He describes it as
an "imagina1 seeing ... based upon imagination that is real in the sense of being nearly
corporeal, and experienced in a very clcse relationship to one's body" (p. 122). "In this
state one is often discovering, along with the patient, their split-off parts that begin to feel
seen" (p. 125-126). He describes "somatic empathy " as involving a "mutual discovery in
imagination and embodied consciousness" and "enmeshed in the moment and the body"
(p. 127-128). Schwartz-Salant emphasizes the difference between the usual manner of
"extracthg data" through introspection and this "act of mutual, spontaneous discovery"
(127-128).
participant's experience and Our act of mutual, spontaneous discovery. In this case. the
"container" is my trust in the body's wisdom to "know"and guide the healing process. My
source of dlls trust stems fiom the years I spent studying my own body experience.
Because 1 trust implicitly in my own body and in its availability as a source of knowledge
Since 1 have gone through multiple processes and experiences that have deepened my
54
comection to my body, I tend to resonate with others' experiences of their body and sustain
an openness and ongoing receptivity . 1 believe Schwartz-Salant 's (1982) statement that
counternansference issues are minimized when one is "in a very close relationship to one's
body" (p. 125). I am familiar with intense sensation in my own body, and therefore I can
witness participants as they pass through their own intense sensations without experiencing
the need to interfere in their process. As a result participants have the option to sustain the
intensity of their sensations as they experience related thoughts, feelings, images, memories,
and whatever other material is necessary for healing. When working with sexual abuse
recognize, moment-by-moment, how the sexuality of others may resonate with oneself in an
understandable way.
Woodman (1984) comments: "1 approach body work with the same respect and
attentiveness that 1 give to dreams. The body has a wisdom of its own. However slowly
knowing that gives confidence and total support to the ego" (p.28). Certainly her statements
confirrn the potential benefit of developing this type of knowing for women survivors of
1 have chosen the term "self-generated, body-focused emergent .agery process " to describe
my method of focusing on the body experience employed in this research. This particular
imagery because at no time do 1 guide the participant to a place in her body that she has not
already mentioned .
available within an "altered state" for finding one's own questions and answers. The altered
state of consciousness during guided irnagery is not easily described, much less defined by
science. Grof (1996) recognizes the lack of appropriate words, describing the "non-
toward wholeness -- from the Greek holus meaning whole and tropein meaning to move in
The content of traumatic memory . as explained in the "Trauma and Memory "
and unintegrated over t h e , unlike ordinary memory (van der Kolk & van der Hart, 1991;
van der Koik, 1996). Thus memory retrieval and integration require a non-ordinary state.
A body-focused experience requires an intention to focus intemally and follow one's body
experience. A suspension of the usually dominant role of the intellect is necessary since the
intellect often censors, edits, and judges emotions and body experiences: the participant
56
to have equal importance with the emotions and the intellect. Some might view this state as
deep relaxation, but it is much more than this, since intense contact with the self occurs on
tMy background and experience in body-oriented transformation led me to know that the
body contains at any one moment past, present, and future experiences simultaneously. By
bringing rhis awareness to the participant, 1 hope to provide ber with the tools for
A feature of the " non-ordinary state" is timelessness. Jung (1935) admits the
Gadow (1980) concurs that scientific language is inadequate for describing the
"subject body, " which she differentiates from the "object body, because language is
l1
"designed to express o d y a finite reality and finite meanings. As self, however -- that
which develops its own reality and meanings -- the body is infinite" (p.82).
Because of the elusive nature of the somatic experience and given the purposes of
this study, I need to introduce the differentiation of past, present, and hture time frames.
Reference to conventional time provides a framework for discussion of memory marerial.
By idenriQing the time factor we can compare and contrast different body expenences.
Furthemore. by inviting the participant to imagine her body in the funire, 1 hope to evoke
an experience of how she might Like to imagine her body. ideally with the possibility of
creating a bodily experience of-what healing might feel like. Also, expenencing in a bodily
way whatever the future means might provide some felt sense of direction for her healing
journey. Imaging healing while one is "down in the muck" is a psychosynrhesis method for
giving vision, hope, andfor direction to one's healing process (Weiser. 1991).
the choices of the participant, whose body guides the experiential session in a sequence that
evolves naturally. For example, if someone resists making a transition in time either
direction.
At the beginning of the session 1 invite the participant ro lie down. get cornfortable, focus
toward her intemal experience of her bodylseif, and eventually contact a place in her body
that draws her attention and involves a memory. If she identifies more than one place, 1
invite the participant to choose one to begin. Contrary to what one might expect, when the
participant has a number of areas that seem important, any one place will lead an
appropriate healing expenence. Choosing any area in the body that draws the individual's
attention can begin the process and give sufficient direction to the session. The body
naturally contains al1 the necessary materials in readiness for the process of healing and
58
integration.
1 suggest to the participan1 that she focus on her body and notice a sensation that
relates to a memory; either sensation or memory may emerge first. The participant locates
including size. colour. texture, temperature and more -- and, if possible. gives it an image
with associated thoughts and feelings. What usually emerges could be called. using the
terms of psychosynthesis, a " subpersonality" of the self. Thus each subpersonalicy exists
within the body experience. If the body experience or tissue/body memory begins the
session, what is relevant will surface if the person is invited to tell about what she is
participant transitions from her memory into the present time, if possible. and relates this
appears at this point. I encourage the participant to locate this experience in her body and
also give it a sensory identification. In most instances at least two body parts will surface
that express distinct perspectives, of which one may represent resistance in the form of
"protector" or "critic." The two body parts need to be given the opportunity to dialogue
relationships. Whenever the participant becomes mired in her intellect or confused in her
emotions. I suggest she relate back to her body experience. 1 narne only areas or images
that she has aiready clearly identified as part of her body experience.
We both follow the dialogue between the body parts or areas. I fmd that when we
59
resolution might be related to the future. 1 encourage the participant to imagine her body in
this time frame, if she can, since this has the potential to offer a healing image. 1 suggest
she €id an image that represents the (usually hoped for) future. At the end of the session. I
invite the participant to draw a picture about the experience and discuss it with me.
body expenence. The body experiences of the participant lead the session and are
continuously linked with the psyche, as completely as the participant is able. Each
linking, both within the individual subpersonality and while this individual psyche-soma
linking occurs in relation to other subpersonalities. Thus, within the experiential session,
The types of questions that assist psyche-soma linking are similar to questions one
subpersonalities. For exarnple, once the body area or body quality has been articulated,
questions might be, "What is your purpose?" "What do you want?" "What do you need?"
In this case, however, it is the body area or body quality representing the subpersonality
that speaks. Thus we discover the body perspective or consciousness of that part or the
subpersonality of the self. Through dialoguing the various parts and connecting the related
thoughts and feelings with the body experience, it is possible to integrate cut-off
experiences. Pursuing the answers to these types of questions initiates an invitation to the
60
body to lead the individual through a series of psyche-soma linking in which one exploration
the individual back to her body experience in order to create the psyche-soma linlc. 1 cal1
this process a refocusing on the body experience. With experience the individual
Because of the pioneering nature of my work, it is impossible to be certain that there is, in
the inclusion of the body in verbal therapy have corne to my attention. Most of these have
been cited in recent publications, appearing within the last three years. Since 1 have not
Gendlin (1996) advocates that "a felt sense is most easily found in the middle of the
body. Therefore it helps to move a physical tension to the body's center" (p. 182). In my
technique, 1 do not instruct the participant to move sensations, but to follow her own body
experience. The dialogue is often with specific tissue or a whole-body quality and
represents a specific subpersonality. 1 will, on occasion, ask the participant to identify what
Hendricks and Hendncks (1993) use a "breathing principle" to direct a client toward
the body experience of a feeling. In my approach, 1 may suggest to the participant that she
breathe at certain times, for example at the beginning of a session in order to rest her body,
61
or if she appears to be cutting off her breath while crying. I fmd. however, that when a
participant focuses on an area in their body, the breath moves nanirally into it. Again. I
offer few suggestions to the participant that might influence her body. since my core
Rossi (1993) is interested in the state-dependent nature of trauma and uses techniques
that he has evolved from hypnosis. He explains his approach to body-centred therapy as a
because the approach usually completes itself in an insightful and therapeutic manner with
very little interpretation needed from the therapist. Patient and therapist are both
participant-observers in a genuine process of autocatalytic healing and discovery " (p. 129-
130). However, 1 find in Rossi's explanations of his techniques that he directs the
experience rather than following the client's body as a guide. Some of his techniques of
utilizing non-verbal movements of the body are similar to those utilized in dancelmovement
therapy .
Kepner (1993) recognizes the relevance of the body within a Gestalt approach to
psychotherapy. He States that the therapeutic "task is to help change frozen or automatic
body structures to active organismic processes, and to facilitate the integration of the
underlying split of the self" (p.52). Although Kepner uses the verbal modality , his
approaches. In Gestalt therapy, one may be asked to become a certain part of one's body.
In my method, one is aiready present with one's body and there is no need to be asked to
become a certain part of one's body. One s h p l y speaks from that place.
Woodman (1984) utilizes "deep relaxation" from which "a participant can find a
62
specific area of unconsciousness in the body, and then through concentration implant a
numinous symbol from a dream in that area. The symbol is recognized as an individual gift
of healing that works on three levels: emotional, intellectual. and imaginative. appealing co
body, mind, and spirit" (p.30). Woodrnan's (1984, 1996) method of dialoguing with rhe
body is unclear from the descriptions of her approach, but 1 appreciate its intuitive and
integrative quality.
My strongest point is that the body experience is not merely an access point for the
emotions, left behind as if it were a mere means to an end. In order for the body
expenence of each subpersonality to emerge, the body needs to be a consistent. equal aspect
of the dialogue. 1 suggest that in order to integrate the body experience fully in the process
of healing, we need to go beyond simple accessing of emotions through the body. We need
METHODOLOGY
In the course of this research, my relation to the topic of study has evolved in a persona1
fashion; that is, my developing awareness cannot be separated from the evolution and
development of the data. For this reason, my research employs a qualitative case-study
approach that is similar to the heuristic research design, methodology, and applications
developed by C. Moustakas.
Moustakas (1990) explains that the "root meaning of heuristic cornes from the Greek
"refea to a process of intemal search through which one discovers the nature and meaning
of experience and develops methods and procedures for further investigation and analysis"
(p. 9). Moustakas (1990) believes heuristic research acknowledges that the process begins
with the researcher's self: "1begin the heuristic investigation with my own self-awareness
and explicate that awareness with reference to a question or problem until an essential
insight is achieved, one that will throw a beginning light ont0 a critical human experience"
(p. 11). In this instance the "question or problem" is the involvement of the experience of
the body in healing from childhood sexual abuse. My self-awareness as a touch and
movement therapist allows me to bring needed skills to this problem, and perhaps reach an
essential insight about the nature of the body's involvement. Because there is no precedent
process, the heuristic approach is the only theoretical mode1 that will take me to the core
My research is heuristic not in the sense mat 1 have a persona1 history of sexual
abuse. but rather that 1have an intirnate, experiential knowledge of my body as a source of
wisdom and healing. Because of the work I have done in the area of body-oriented change,
1 know how to connect with my body experience in a way that serves my intention to
develop theory and techniques. I developed a healthy body awareness that includes a sense
and knowledge about myself, an inexhaustible fund of assistance with Me. Because this
research is part of my persona1 evolution in consciousness, the end result is that I have
corne to embody the theory that has evolved. In fact, it is unlikely that any theory could
(1990): "The heuristic process is a way of being informed, a way of knowing. ... In such a
process not only is knowledge extended but the self of the researcher is illurninated" (p. 10-
11).
At some point I realized that my heuristic approach would determine rny intervention
design for the experiential session, evolution which is congruent with the explanation of
heuristic research provided by Moustakas (1990): "The self of the researcher is present
throughout the process and, while understanding the phenornenon with increasing depth, the
1 approached the experiential session with some idea of how 1 needed to work with
each participant. While working I would notice certain things and the participants told me
65
what was happening from their perspective. From this interaction, I gained reinforcement
and clarification of the effective elements of my work. Thus, through this interaction. 1
also increased my self-awareness and self-knowledge. 1 found that with each additional
experiential session that 1 facilitated, 1developed an increasing ability to know and trust the
process of following the body. Beginnuig with the experience of the body and refocusing
the participant on her body experience as it related to her thoughts and feelings led (the
each participant could creatively heal herself, and 2 ) a safe and available "container" that
It is necessary to conduct this research in such a way that whatever theories or techniques
might emerge will relate directiy to the voices of the women participants. My decision to
explore intirnately the individual voices necessitates a comparative case-study design. "A
case snidy design can be used to test theory, but a qualirarive case study usually builds
In the five-year evolution of this study, the experience of the body in the process of
psychotherapy, and the relevance of including the body in the process, has continued to be
largely unknown and unresearched. Thus my intention in cornparing and contrasting five
case studies within a qualitative design is to evolve a theory about body experiences of
women survivors. In regard to the development of theory within the case-study design,
Memam explains: "The place of theory in a case snidy depends to a large extent upon what
66
is known in the area of interest ... Depending on the state of knowledge and amount of
theory, a case study might test theory, clai-iQ, refine, or extend theory. or, in qualitative
Memam (1988) explains that it is impossible to enter an investigation with "a blank
mind" because "every researcher holds assumptions. concepts, or theory" (p.59). For this
Glasser and Strauss (1967) suggest that "generating a theory involves a process of
research" (p.6), with the emphasis on process. They explain that "generating theory frorn
data means that most hypotheses and concepts not only corne from the data, but are
systematically worked out in relation to the data during the course of the research" (p.6). 1
believe the authors are addressing the relevance of the context in which data develops and
how sources other than the data could influence the development of theory.
we Fmd the authentic forms of expression for female consciousness and experience?" (p.471)
I suggest that we can begin by returning to the experience of the body, the home of the
soul. Reinharz (1992) describes the case snidy as a "tool of feminist research ... [that]
defies the social science convention of seeking generalizations by looking instead for
specificity , exceptions, and completeness" (p. 1%). She suggests that "social science's
emphasis on generalizations has obscured phenornena important to ... woment' and views
case studies as "essential for putting women on the map of social life" (p. 174).
individual healing process to discover what occurs when she focuses on her body
experience. Naturally, in this endeavour, 1 become limited by each participant's "abiliry ro
and degree of involvement" (Moustakas. 1990, p -46). In addition, within this case-study
analysis. 1 cannot take the individual out of her healing context to uncover her body
experience: 1 need to be specific to her process within this context and the context of her
life and society. This specificity necessarily breeds the exception and, at the same time.
experience of the body is reIatively unexplored territory Therefore the research evolved
during the process of this study. Kirby and McKema (1989) state that "research frorn the
margins is by its very nature ernergent ... a method in process; it is continually unfolding"
(p.32). The authors explain that "as people use it, what they discover in the process about
the process contributes to what we know about research from the margins" (p.32). In this
study, one important emergent approach to research is the need for flexibility while
trusting the body experience to lead the participant to the place in her healing journey that is
appropriate for her at the tirne and accepting with trust the significance of the outcome
Olesen (1992) States that "fresh approaches are required ... particularly if we are to
interpret more fully the experiences of the lived body and the implications for the
continually transforming self" (p.217). It is my hope that this research offers a "fresh
approach" to the study of embodiment and encouragement and support for further research
in this area.
4.3. THE STUDY
4.3.1. Women Survivors of Child S m a i Abuse: The Research Partici~ants
The participants in this study are five adult rniddle class women of Northem European
descent between the ages of twenty-eight and forty-four. who identified themselves as
survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Their education level varied between cornrnunity
college (Diplorna) and univers@ post-graduate (Masters degree). Al1 participants had
participated in some type of psychotherapy for at least several years. One participant was
hospitalized as a teenager for emotional difficulties and one participant is diagnosed with
Dissociative Identity Disorder. Participants are from the Toronto area and learned about
informed choice for participation in the study invited women who (i) were currently in
psychotherapy (ii) had experienced sexual abuse in their childhood, and (iii) expressed a
dissertation project researching body-oriented mernory and the experience of the body in the
process of healing with chiidhood sexual abuse survivors. As well, participants were
informed that the process would facilitate mernory recall and might initiate emotionally
charged experiences. Only participants who said they were willing to share their persona1
experiences were selected. An essential factor was the establishment of trust between the
interviewer and the participant, with the understanding that confidentiality be respected and
that any significant issues could be taken by the participant to her therapist.
Participants were informed that two interviews were involved, one experiential
session and one follow-up interview, each no longer than two hours' duration. They were
69
informed (i) that the experiential session involved a body-focused psychotherapeutic
(ii) rhat in the serni-structured follow-up interview, approximately one week later, they
would be asked to discuss their thoughts and feelings about what happened in. or as a result
sexual abuse. Participants were also verbally asked if they would be availabie for further
contact if the need should arÏse. AU participants agreed and in fact were asked to attend a
Ensurine Safew.
A major ethical consideration was that the participants have a forum other than the
interviews of the study to discuss personal material that may have arisen during the
interviews in relation to their participation. For this reason, it was required that each
As the researcher, 1 have taken the position of "facilitator-interviewer. " The pilot study,
which included two participants informed me that the experiential session 1 was providing
resembled psychotherapy more than the guided imagery experience 1 had initially
conceptualized as the method design in this study. 1 came to this realization through the
comments of one of the pilot-snidy participants, who told me she wished 1 had been more
clear when we started about the depth of emotion her body-orîented memory experience
would take her to, so that she could know what she was agreeing to and align her
70
expectations accordingly. Thus, as 1 had not done in the pilot snidy. 1 informed participants
that the sessions would resemble psychotherapy. Because the participants were involved in
psychotherapy apart from this study, each was aware of what that meant frorn previous
experience.
Although the method of focusing on the body and following its experience through
the pax, present, and future time frame can be viewed as some type of guided irnagery, it
preconceived notion or agenda regarding what the imagery will be. Thus 1 do not lead the
inviting movement from the past into the present and later future body experiences, 1 follow
awareness as possible of the experience of her body, and to assist her exploration of how
The experiential session is sirnilar to verbal therapy in that 1 dialogue with the
participant throughout the session. At no tirne during the experiential session do 1 touch or
suggest movement beyond encouraging the person to get cornfortable lying down and to
move in whatever way she wants during the session. Similar to the procedure in
participant c m explore her process. m e n a participant is lying down with her eyes closed
and focusing intemally, a non-ordinary state is created which is similar to that of a guided
compassion, evident both in my presence and my speech tone and content. For example, I
71
do not sit in a chair while a participant lies down on the floor. but instead sit close by at the
point out the therapeutic tactic of creating psychological congruence and equality rhrough
Another important factor is that before the experiential session I did not know any
persona1 details regarding the participants' background beyorid their belief that they had
been sexually abused in childhood. Thus 1had no knowledge of their family background or
sexual abuse history at the time of the experiential session. 1 decided to proceed without a
history-taking because I wanted to enter what 1 believed was an intuitive process, as free of
approximately one year later. With the exception of the initial screening interview, al1
1) Phase One, the pre-screen interview, was designed to introduce the project and
2) Phase Two, the experiential session, began with a brief discussion that involved
the person signing a letter of informed choice and requesting that she complete a short
I invited the participant to lie down on a carpeted floor and get comfortable. then 1
oflered pillows and suggested andlor helped her adjust herself so that she was in a
cornfortable position of her choice. Each participant was then invited to move however she
wanted, stop whenever she wanted, ignore inappropriate questions, and advise me if my
questions or suggestions were unsuitable or unwelcome. I told each participant that 1 would
not touch her at any t h e or direct her to move her body during the session. I suggested the
participant close her eyes as that would help her focus inside or onto her interna1
experience. Al1 participants closed their eyes for most or a11 of the session and took the
Each participant was invited to dialogue her experience continuously throughout the
session. At the completion of the experiential session, the participant was invited to draw
whatever she wanted about her experience in the body-focused session. When the session
and drawing were completed, the participant described her experience using the drawing as
The session involved the retrieval of a memory from the orientation of the body that
comfortable and focused internally, she was invited to scan her body and to notice an
experience of her body from the past, using her body orientation to retrieve it. Although a
participants may have had several mernories, she was asked to choose only one as a way to
begin.
The intention was to break the experience into three parts and allow the participant
to scan her body from the past, present, and future tirne perspectives. Thus the oniy frame
1 provide is one of time. (An outline of the content of the session sequence is provided in
73
Appendix C.) I expected that if 1 invited the participant to move into the present and later
the future from a body experience in her past, she would have the oppominiq to become
conscious of the transitions and contrats she was experiencing. The intention was to
provide the participant with an opportunity to ground her body experience in the present.
progressive time change evolved from a desire to document and validate the body
clearly a witness to each participant's experience. Also 1 understood intuitively the benefit
of a body orientation to "ground in the present" and "heal toward a funire," so that these
eiements could be highlighted by me in a more natural and less abrupt sequence than the
rnethod I used in the pilot study. Following the person's body experience, as they wove
between thoughts, body sensations, and feelings within non-linear "body time " was the
priority .
Through the evolution of this work 1 came to understand that 1 needed to trust fully
in the process of allowing each individual to follow her body experience and leam whatever
became apparent, knowing this was, in fact, the essential learnuig or shif-t in
Body-oriented processes are not always about memories, but in the event that the body
I decided that if theory were to evolve from this study, it would be important for me
to follow and act upon my developing awareness and trust of the knowledge and wisdom of
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the body experience to lead a person. Given this belief, it would be imperative that 1 not
direct or impose an extemal agenda. This is particularly important for sexual abuse
survivors, who have been invalidated or unempowered about the ownership, auchonty. and
trust in their own body and body experience. Even the time frame of past. present, and
funire is an arbitrary inclusion and although somewhat useful as a rnethod of analyzing body
3) Phase Three, the initial follow-up interview, took place approximately one week
Participants were ïnvited to discuss their thoughts and feelings about the previous
experiential session. The research objective was to discover if, and in what ways, the
previous experience was important. Each participant was also asked to answer questions
about 1) her process of remembering (or not) childhood sexual abuse; 2) the experience of
her body as it related to her healing or psychotherapy process; and 3) how the experiential
session was similar to or different from other approaches she may have experienced,
including verbal psychotherapy, touch therapy, andlor rnovement therapy. The intention
was to ascertain how the participant would describe and assess her experience when she
reflected back on the session. Thus the focus of this interview was to explore the
4) Phase Four, the second follow-up interview, took place approximately one year
after the first follow-up interview. The intention was to discover if the same elements were
as important as they appeared to be at first or not, and if there was continuity in the
participant's descriptions and assessments. Again the interview was semi-stnicnired and the
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questions were similar to those in the first follow-up interview. Because the participant had
one year to reflect on the experience and its impact on her healing process. the participant
was asked to fucus on where she was in her healing process at present and if and how the
previous sessions were part of her healing joumey. Thus the second research objective was
to establish whether or not the participant felt she had been influenced by her experience in
the experiential session and by the opportunity to articulate aspects of this experience in the
first follow-up interview. The intention was not to look at ber experience in t e m s of an
outcome but rather to explore her process and the developing integration of body
consciousness.
The five case studies are included in Chapter 5, "Case Snidies of Five Wornen's
Experiential Sessions: Research Findings. " Transcripts of the five participants' experiential
sessions are summarized individually to show the main developments in each session and
how these occurred sequentially and in relation to one another. The summaries of the
experiential sessions focus on each wornan's process of body memory retrieval and the
psyche-soma integration that resulted from her orientation to the experience of her body.
Attention is given to dialogue between parts of the body or different qualities of the body
and to integration of the psyche-soma through the use of emerging images and metaphors.
Material from the two follow-up interviews has been rearranged thematically to present
collecfively the participants' perspectives on the experiential session. Their views on the
experience as a whole, in relation to their persona1 healing process, are gathered in the
A pilot smdy was carried out prior to the writing of this thesis. Two women who had
experienced childhood sexual abuse participated. Each participant was screened for
suitability in an initial interview. The experiential session was of approximately one and
one-half houn duration; follow-up interviews were approximately one hour long. In a
similar fashion to the interview outlined previously. the initial interview focused on the
participant's past, present, and future experience of her body, followed by an invitation to
draw and discuss her experience. The follow-up interviews for this pilot study were
unstrucnired because 1 wanted to give the participants the opportunity to direct the content
of the conversation. In this way, I could discover what they wouId choose to discuss.
Frorn this study, I leamed that 1 needed ro have some prepared open-ended questions to jet
the participants started. Full transcripts of the interviews were created and analyzed.
Individual profiles for each participant summarized in her own words the important
elements and relationships in her body experience. The profiles were intended to gather the
essence of the two participants' experience, that is, to summarize what 1cal1 their "story."
The profiles surnmarized five question areas: 1) What was the memory? 2) How was this
memory related to their body experience? 3) How does the body experience link with their
psychological experience? 4) What are the images or metaphors for this htegration? and 5)
In the follow-up interview, what was most important for rhem in the past experiential
interview? The profiles were compared for cornmon and divergent themes.
Discussion of Findings .
The results of the pilot study indicated that the methodology 1 chose was effective. Both
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participants were able to retrieve a body-oriented memory and follow easily the progressive
the-change framework. The experiential session and drawings elicited rich data: the
participants' descriptions and discussion were elaborate: each stated that the experience was
personally meaningful for them. 1 learned that some people prefer to process verbally and
to draw during the experience, radier than waiting until the end as 1 had initially
conceptualized the session. 1 decided to retain the technique of dialogue throughout for the
main study. I found the unstnicnired follow-up interviews required more direction on my
part, each participant wanted some lead as to what 1 would be interested in hearing from
them. For this reason, the main study follow-up interviews focused on what was important
or mernorable about the experie-ntial interview and how they believed a body-oriented
experience. The variable the-lag between the experiential session and the follow-up
interview demonstrated that it was most ideal to do the follow-up interview not more than
two weeks after the expenential session. In this interval, the participant was more likely to
remember her experience clearly and, at the same time. she was given time and opportunity
Another important finding in the pilot study was the effectiveness and therapeutic
value of the drawings. 1 believe the drawings served as a means of bndging the somatic
with the psyche experience and aided greatly in allowing the unconscious to speak. For this
reason, 1 included a picture analysis in the main study and therefore as part of the profile or
case sumrnary.
The pilot-study research fmdings suggested that when a person has experienced
sexual abuse as a child and when she is facilitated to recall body-oriented mernories, she
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will recall the experience of abuse or some unresolved related issue. Based on findings of
the pilot study, 1 developed the following postdates: 1) that through the process of
integrating psyche and soma, traumatic body-oriented mernories become less heightened and
more integrated; and 2) that as a resuIt of including the somatic experience in the
diminished (e.g., dissociation, panic attacks, physical ailments) more readily than if the
For the purpose of clarity 1 have organized the research fmdings in the following format.
First. in this chapter "Case Studies of Five Women's Experiential Sessions: Research
experiential session. Next, in Chapter 6 "Thoughts, Reflections, and Insights related to the
Experiential Session: Research Findings, " 1 present the themes or progressive healing stages
of each participant's experience, drawing on both her experiential session and the content of
the two follow-up interviews. In the final section of this chapter, "Participants'
Evaluations," 1 include each participant's analysis of those elements in my approach she did
or did not find effective, and the reason for this assessment. Where relevant discussions
also include a cornparison with traditional verbal psychotherapy and therapy that involves
touch. Cornparisons with movement therapy would have been useful, but none of the
Notation System
When referring to the case study transcnpts, the interviews are numbered after the
preliminary screening interview: Le., the experiential session is 1, the follow-up interview
one week later is 2, and the follow-up interview one year later is 3.
Notation will aoDear: e.g., (19ofl) means page 19 of the experiential session or 1 ; (19of2)
means page 19 of the follow-up interview one week later or 2; (19of3) means page 19 of the
follow-up interview one year later or 3.
5.2 iMARY'S SESSION
Background Information.
Mary is a married, young professional woman of European descent with no children. She
was referred to the study through a colleague of mine. and although she attended two
"treatments " of touch therapy , she considers herself inexperienced in body-oriented personal
change prior to her first session with me. This was our first meeting.
Mary grew up with her parents, two brothers, and one sister, in what she calls an
"alcoholic home. " She describes her father as alcoholic, although she feels closest to him.
She is somewhat close to her older brother and sister and feels somewhat distant from her
Mary outlines her experiences of child sexual abuse in terms of three perpetrators.
1) An elderly uncle once put his hand on her leg while they were in the car. when she was
between five and seven years old. 2) An adult male cousin abused her under the guise of
punishment, when she was five or six years old. "He pulled down rny pants and spanked
me on his lap when his penis was exposed and touched me. 1 had a great fear of being
alone with him when he visited." The abuse was ongoing and she is "unsure how long it
went on or how many times." 3) A teenage brother abused her on a daily/weekly basis
involving pomography and oral sexual contact when she was between the ages of eight and
thirteen years old. He was unsuccessful in his attempts at penetration. She States: "1have
always remembered these incidents. However, the [associated] fear with the adult cousin
and many [additional] examples of abuse with my brother have surfaced since beginning
psychotherapy. This additional information came to memory when 1 was writing about the
years before her first session with me. She says it has only been in the lasr six to eight
months that she has "really started to deal with" the sexual abuse (6lofL). Mary describes
her healing process as foilows: "1 have read extensive literature. 1 am involved in a rwelve-
step program for adult children of alcoholics. I write in a journal and read a rneditation
booklet daily. 1 try to express my feelings dirough art." Mary started touch therapy at
approximately the same tirne she began this study, and she comments thaf her healing
process has quickened as a result of participating in therapy that focuses on the body
experience. She explains that she becarne open to the idea of healing through the body
when she read a book in which body massage was described as facilifating mernories of
sexuai abuse and connecting with feelings. She States: "Right away when I read that. rny
gut feeling was YEAH THAT works" (40of2). Thus, Mary has reached a place in her
In regard to her physical health, in the follow-up interview one week later, Mary
Mary begins the session by noticing her throat tightening. When she focuses on this
experience, she notices it clenching and releasing and she feels a heaviness. 1 suggest to
her that she free-associate to a tirne in the past when she experienced similar sensations.
Mary's way of remembering is primarily visually. She comrnents: "1 picture myself: I grew
up in an alcoholic home and there was a lot of fighting and yelling, but 1 see myself as a
child around six or seven, hiding, and being afraid, and that's the feeling, ... 1 don?
actually remember doing that" (60fl). Next. she notices a heaviness in her chest that feels
like choking. The pressure in her chest travels down to her stomach. 1suggest she imagine
how this heaviness might appear and she describes it as "dark grey, shapeless, like a blob,
something without definition" (80fl). She says the heaviness is stopping her breathing and
it feels as though she is cutting off her breath by pulling down. Shonly , she associates this
experience with fear of the unknown and notices that it imrnobilizes her. Then she remarks,
"1get headaches often, it still feels like the pressure is giving me a headache" (120fl).
Next, she notices that "from my elbows down [a feel totally like they 're on a different
body" (120fl). This is a physical manifestation of her experience of dissociation. She
notices she feels as though she is fearful that something will happen. 1 ask her if she has
any idea what this is about and she comrnents: "It's like a fear ... 1 know when I was a kid
and 1used to be afraid, if my father was home and there was drinking I would hold my
breath sometimes, kind of like waiting, and you just keep your breath as still as possible ...
maybe not to be noticed ... so as not to draw attention to rnyself" (14ofl). "1 would listen
to hear what my dad was doing so 1 would know, I guess for self-preservation ... when
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you're not breathing because you're busy doing something else ... I know I used to kind of
take in a breath and wait, it's the same kind of sensation, and 1 still have that feeling of
repertoire on the mode1 'fight or flight' involving the early defenses of avoidance, freezing.
At this point, Mary changes her body position from lying on her back to Iying on
her front with her knees bent up under her. She continues to notice the sensation that nins
from her throat to her stomach and some resultant sensation of gagging and the urge to
vomit. She notices she feels safer in the new body position. Again she pictures herself as a
small child in the space between her bed and closet. At this point her memory fades and 1
invite her to transition into an experience of herself in the present t h e , noticing her bodily
Mary easily transitions into a present here-and-now focus. She readily notes that the tension
she has been feeling is gone and her breathing is "much more cornfortable. " She remarks
1 invite her to notice some of the body places she has focused on duruig the "past"
experience. She notices some residual heaviness in the front of her neck and stomach. 1
ask her if she would like to work with one of these places. She quickly agrees and chooses
to focus on her throat. I suggest three things: (1) to describe vividly the location of the
place in her body; (2) to touch the place with her hand to heighten her awareness of the
location and sensation. 1suggest this because Mary has been changing her body position
84
during the session and 1 thought she would be receptive to moving her hand to touch
herselft and (3) to describe anything that cornes to her awareness as she focuses on the area.
She notices that something feels "stuck" in her throat and that it resembles a thick ball that
seems immovabie, although she feels it has the potential to move. She names this ball
"Glob" and from this point refers to it interchangeably as the Glob or Blob. Next the Glob
At this point, I undentand that the image has formed enough to be capable of
cornmunicating, but that a cartoon character might be less accessible than a human figure.
From her tone of voice, 1 have the impression that this character is sarcastic and 1 associate
this attitude with the "cntic" part of her personality. 1 wonder if the Glob would be
sornewhat resistant and therefore ask if it would be al1 right for her to ask the Glob
questions. Mary responds in the aK~rmative.but says she does not know what to ask. 1
suggest she ask the Glob why it is stuck. 1 want to encourage her to understand the image
and its meaning. While the cartoon character does not respond to the question her throat
does: "My throat won? let me go by, my throat doesn't want me here. " I continue to
suggest questions that might assist Mary to dialogue between the GIob and her throat so she
c m discover the purpose of the Glob and what it needs, with the hope that it might become
less stuck and thereby free her throat. Through this dialogue, she learns that the Glob is a
he and that he is a jokester character with a big grin on his face. He does not take the issue
seriously and is seerningly "emotionless." The throat t u m out to be angry at the Glob
because of its sarcastic and arrogant manner. Now Mary notices that the Glob is a round
shape with "the head and the body al1 pushed together and it has arms and legs and a smile
and two eyes" (29ofl). Noticeably missing in Mary's image of the Glob is the neck.
85
(Please see her drawing in Figure 1.) The missing body part of the Glob corresponds to die
dissociated part of her body that is being closed off. It is very cornmon for people who
have experienced oral-related trauma to have psyche-soma issues involving gagging and the
throat area in general. 1 recognize the significance of not having a throat as a way of
defendkg against the expenence of her body. She describes the throat as having "no human
characteristics" and resembling a tube-Iike chamber that clenches and narrows where the
Glob is located.
1.realize she now has a clear picnire of the two parts of herself that are resisting each
other; her understanding includes her body experience and also her associated feelings and
thoughts about their relationship: a Glob that is in her throat, refusing to move or
communkate and is emotionless, and a throat that feels restricted and wants to rid itself of
the Glob by vomiting. 1 offer her a brief summary to dari@ the issues for both of us: "So
here we have one part that is quite angry at this other part that gives the appearance that it
could care Iess, and it's just going to stay there. I'm just wondering now what your
thoughts and feelings are about this situation" (30ofl). By pointing out their relationship, I
hope to encourage her to move beyond the descriptions of her conflicting parts and explore
their meaning. Mary enters into a long discussion in which she attempts to figure out
whether the Glob is part of her or outside of her. 1 continue to encourage dialogue between
shift. I suggest that the throat would not be asking the Glob what its purpose is if the throat
already knows. 1 point out that, in fact, the Glob's rnockingly telling the throat "you should
know" is "a bit of a put down," because the question would not be asked if the answer were
86
already b o w n (320fl). 1 intend to draw attention to the fact that offering a simple question
Mary begins to notice a recurrence of the feeling of fear that she has experienced
previously in her past memory experience. She remarks that this fear is "that 1'11 find out
something that 1 wasn't expecting or ... that 1 wouldn't be able to cope with ... that would
be harmfül ... more hurtful to me than the sniff 1 already know about. ... It's exactly the
same feeling I had [when] talking to my [therapist] about the incidents in my childhood. 1
was afraid to explore any further because 1didn't want to find out that someone more
Evidently she has a clear idea of her fears surrounding her abuse memories. and she
is able to associate these fears with her recall in psychotherapy of a similar experience of
fearing such memories and wishing not to acknowledge the part of her that knows more.
Therefore 1 ask her if it would be a11 right for me to offer my impression and she agrees.
1 suggest that the grinning Glob might be indicating that he is protecting her from
further pain by remaining quiet. Mary then articulates the insight that she might be hiding
the awareness from herself: "Maybe I've already had not dues but inklings and I'm not
letting myself go with those" (34ofl). 1 ask her: "Now you don't know if those inklings are
actually true or not?" She replies: "Right, but I'm not letting myself explore them one way
or another." A few moments later she says "the Glob is not smiling any more ... 1 think
the sarcasm is gone, like the grin was really a sarcarric GRIN."
Realizing that the change in the Glob's attitude is significant, 1 suggest that she ask
the Glob what has changed, or perhaps she already kmws. Through indirect and reflective
comments, 1 continue to invite her to investigate her experience of the Glob. She realizes
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that when she verbalized having "an inkling ... it was like vaiidation" of the Glob.
Gradually she gains a sense of the Glob as " not so threatening ... or so intrusive " (350f 1) .
Eventuaily, through a process of thinking aloud. she reaches a place where she feels
she is "getting used to the feeling being there, 1 wouldn't Say cornfortable ... but maybe
more accepting. ... 1 think 1 like him better without the smile."
By now 1 realize that Mary has successful~ymade a connection between her body
expenence and its psychological meaning and thar it has resulted in a changed attitude
within her, enabling her to work through her resisrance and acknowledge or validate her
experience. 1 suggest that it sounds as though she and the Glob were taking "each other a
Because of the current resolution, 1 want to make sure there is nothing more that
needs to be processed at this time. 1 ask her if she wants to ask the Glob anything more
about his purpose. Mary again experiences "that feeling of hesitancy, it's like a part of me
wants to ask him and a part .. . doesn't want me ro hear his answer" (360fl).
Hearing the division apparent within her again. 1 suggest she uy to tell the Glob
about her fears. She seems to have difficulty, so 1 suggest to her that the part of her that
does not want to know, does know why the Glob is there. Because this part of her is
embodied and apparent to her, 1 realize 1am at a point where 1 can demonstrate my trust in
the wisdom of her body to lead her effectively. 1direct her toward the awareness that she
is now making a choice not to know, being carehl to qualiQ this suggestion by using an
invitational marner and leaving it up to her. For example. "Check it out, you don? have to
At this point she acknowledges that she is afraid of the "PAIN." Pain is a felt
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experience and 1 want to begin by grounding this awareness once again in her body
experience. I suggest she allow herself to imagine where in her body she is feeling the
PAIN. This is a clear example of my technique of moving within the sequence of soma. to
psyche, and back to soma. et cetera. When she says she feels the pain in her head, I
inquire where in her head because I want her to be more specific for her own self awareness
and so that her body can relay its full message. She describes the sensation: "1feel my
eyes tighten, clenching, not clenching, squint together." Usually this kind of tightening
results in a headache, so 1 ask her if she experiences headaches in that location. She replies
that she has a history of headaches across both eyes. I notice her movement of squeezing
her eyes together and 1 reflect it back to her by remarking about it. She says: "Yeah, and
then 1 want to pull back from it again, I feel like it's going to be too painful" (38ofl). I
suggest she attempt to spend some tirne widi this feeling to get in touch with the part of her
that thinks and feels it is going to be too painful. At this point the soma experience
transforms itself into an embodied experience of self. She says: "Oh, 1 don? feel like it's a
part of my body, 1feel like it's, I almost feel like it's this linle kid inside of me, but 1don't
know if it's me when 1 was little or if it's like a vulnerable part of me that 1 see as a little
kid" (38ofl). 1 suggest that the pain might be both, meaning that it might be a child part
Mary begins to cry quietly and says "when 1 get upset and hurt ... 1 feel like a little
kid, I'rn not sure if 1 feel that as an adult 1 can't react to that pain" (390fl). She says she
wants to cry when she thinks about the Glob and why the Glob is there. "The tears are
about knowing, 1 think, " she says at last. She is aware that she is afraid of remembering
more and feeling that she does not have enough suppoa in her life at this time to open
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From this point Mary taiks about how difficult it is for her to trust that important
people in her life will accept her if they know everything about her past. Next 1 ask her
how the little girl inside of her is doing. Mary responds that she needs "something to
hold." She States: "It's not a cartoon any more ... so it must be part of me. 1 don? know.
Maybe it's that little child, and maybe 1 don't want it to be there, rhe child. maybe 1 don't.
or maybe 1don? want to give it a voice, I sense there's sornething there about the voice,
that the Glob -- 1don't know if it doesn't want me to speak or 1 don? want the Glob to
speak, whatever goes on, it doesn't allow a voice to corne forth ... yeah, 1 think it's more
that I won't let the Glob speak, like my throat is cutting it off .... " (41ofl).
Mary, at this point, describes how she dissociates whenever she does not want to
feel something: "If I'm upset about something and I've said it's not the right tirne to be
upset 1 just take a deep breath ... 1 cut off my feelings and it's a physical feeling when 1 do
that" (430fl). She recognizes that in order for her to give her throat a chance to express
her feelings, she needs to feel safe. She reflects that as a child and adolescent she did not
feel safe in her family environment and was discouraged from expressing her feelings.
During this process, 1 continue to encourage her to "check in" with her experience
and give herself t h e to notice her feelings and be present with them. As a result, she gains
the insight that she can deal with her fear of knowing and speaking by "testing things out
slowly, and seeing if it's okay , ... and maybe doing what 1 feel is cornfortable for me and 1
feel workr for me" (45ofl). She mentions that this includes being able to set boundaries as
an adult who can "make her own choices. " Without my direct intervention, she has
internalized this technique of giving herself permission and time to feel without pressure and
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self-judgement.
1 lead her through many layers of resistance as she recalls holding her child eariier
in the session and feeling inadequate to care for her. For example, the child is too
"intense," she does not "know enough" about taking care of her, the child is "needy. " the
chiId will take too much tirne, and finally she feels guilty that she has not noticed the child
before. She recognizes she is king "hard" on herself. By now 1 understand that she has a
clear expenence of the three parts of herself involved in this dialogue of acknowledging the
child -- the child, the adult critic, and the inadequate-feeling adult who is figunng out how
to care for the child. Because this dialogue has formed, 1 suggest she transition from the
present into the future, and explore how she would like to imagine her body in the funire.
Healing Image.
Mary easily transitions into the future, picturing herself stretching out, with "light
everywhere." She also feels a "release" in her head that causes her body to feel lighter and
her headache to "float out of the top of my head, kind of like taking the lid off a pressure
cooker" (520fl). She has a sensation of "expanding from the inside ... feeling loose and
free to move," and as if "things that need to happen jusr happen naturally ... without me
thinking ... or focusing." This awareness indicates to me that she has successfully set aside
her familiar mode of restricting herself to her intellect and has reached a place of trusting
her whole body experience, without the filter of her intellect to stop or edit her emotions.
In the future, she has a sense of her body feeling light and energetic and breathing
naturally. When 1 ask her to check in with the Glob, she says it is "NOT there" in the
future. She realizes that in the absence of discornfort, "the little girl can play ... like i f s
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MY body, it's Iike this BIG body, but it's like the little girl skipping" (540fl). She notices
the child is "worry free" with "no duties," and associates back to her earlier memory: "it's
a big difference from the bedroom, if 1 compare it to that girl curled up in the bedroom,
and then 1 see this adult with the little-girl heart, out there skipping in the Sun, and full of
After she has spent some time on her own, meditating with her expenence of her
child part, I suggest as a way to finish that she thank her throat for Ieading her where she
needed to go. Then 1 invite her to draw a picture about her experience.
D r a w i n ~and Discussion.
After completing her drawing, Mary explains that her picture involves three "intercomected
... segments" relating past, present, and Iùture. (See Figure 1.) Her picture includes a
heavy dark cloud of the past, the present Glob "smiling sarcastically," but with a "little ray
of something beside it ... somehow comected to the Sun but hidden. " Then, pointing to the
rainbow and the Glob peaking out from the top of the Sun, she describes "the future ... the
brighmess, vividness, and freshness ... the rays of sun spilling everywhere and again the
Glob, just a piece of the Glob ... the part of the Glob that wasn't a cartoon any more, it
was just there" (57ofl). This ability to be "just there" indicates her emerging readiness ro
Mary describes how much she enjoyed doing the drawing, "feeling the bright Sun
even while 1 was drawing the whole thing ... 1 knew exactly that 1 wanted the pastels and
what colours and then it just kind of came out" (59ofl). Mary contrasts lying on the floor
with "sitting up straight in a chair," as she is accustomed to in her therapy. "1 found that
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[lying down] really really helpful and 1 feel positive about it and 1 surprised myself ...
[with] the tears and sniff" (59ofl). She admits she is usually "more reserved than to cry the
Fust tirne" she meets a therapist, and feels that it has something to do with the difference
93
Figure 1
Mary's Drawing
>-
5.3. G M N ' S SESSION
Background information.
Gwen is the only child of a couple who divorced when she two years old. She felt
closest to her father, whom she describes as having a "hurnourless, unemotional presentation
(that) hides his feelings of concern, ernpathy. and kindness." She was much less close to
her "neurotic, very angry" mother, and she describes their relationship as difficult, "both
enmeshed and distant." She has recently leamed from her father that after the divorce and
before her mother irnmigrated to Canada when Gwen was five, she was largely in the care
of her mother's father. Her mother had a hysterectomy at age thirty-five and died of
Gwen describes her experience of sexual abuse as follows: "1 have no knowledge of
the event or memories. My memories are emotional, body, and behavioural in type. 1
feels as though he was. If so, 1 was younger thari five years of age. 1have no idea of
duration, frequency, or type of abuse, although rny body and feeling mernories suggest
fondling and digital penetration (at best) and/or intercourse (at worst). The probability that
1 have been sexually abused as a child surfaced in therapy via a dream, as well as a panic
reaction to someone's disclosure in a group 1 was in." Her panic reaction in the group
therapy happened about fifteen years ago. Subsequently she had the dream: "The dream
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was about an oider man, and my feeling about the abuse was that it was my grandfather.
because 1 had this incredible sense of betrayaI, that someone who really Iiked me, who I
really felt loved by, who spent a lot of time with me, who was good to me. had betrayed
me. ... He looked like a horneless person, chasing me. 1 would have been about five in
the dream. 1couldn't get away and he was mnning after me. At the end of the dream
before I woke up in a panic, he threw me down on the ground and threw himseif on top of
me and 1 can remember the sensation of him grinding his pelvis into mine. I woke up with
a start and ... my whole body was vibraring in fear but ânother part of me was really
triumphant because I'd had the dream ... now it was over." Gwen wishes her therapisr had
pursued this drearn at the time but she did not. "1 think if she had kept coming back to it 1
would have been forced to deal with it, but both of us were under the impression that what
was unconscious was conscious, therefore it's over, and so then the whole thing went
underground" (2800). When Gwen visited her country of birth she had a "cognitive
memory," "this feeling that my mother was taking me and handing me over to my
grandfather, as a sexual THING, and abandoning me with him. " Again this was not
pursued in therapy "and so 1 forgot about it" (2900). At this t h e she developed fibroids in
her uterus; since then she has scheduled a complete hysterectomy to rake place shortly after
psychotherapy as well as participation in a bioenergetics group for women for two years.
She explains her healing or recovery process up to the present t h e as follows: "My
healing process began when I went into therapy to deal with the unresolved issues
feelings when 1 began therapy, a major pan of my heaIing process has been the recovery of
my feelings and the body they reside in. The process of healing continues with my work
with survivors and also with the perpetrators of chïldhood sema1 abuse. Working with
offenders has helped me to deal with my anger (not excuse) why some men sexually abuse
children, and this has helped me to deal with rny anger. Since my own abuse occurred in
Europe, 1 will someday have to resolve what issues remain in the language 1 spoke then. So
far 1 have not felt the need to do so since the abuse no longer interferes in my life."
On the other hand, Gwen articulates severe frustration about not remernbering in
concrete terms an actual experience of sexual abuse when she was a child. Sometimes her
frustration makes her feel "crazy": "1 never did get any flashback mernories of the event or
events, ... and 1 don't think 1ever will, which is really frustrating ... so I had to go by
what my body was telling me" (130fl). When Gwen is feeling oppressed by doubts, she
says, "1often take refuge in [telling myselfl I'm crazy, there's just something wrong with
Although she has "a good physical relationship" with her partner, she says: "1 still
wonder how much of my abuse has affected who 1 could be sexually if 1 hadn't been
When I invite Gwen to imagine her body in the past and notice any memones that come to
her awareness, she imrnediately says, "1 sense my body at about age 12" (3ofl). She
notices initially that it is "not a mernory, I just sort of see it. " Evidently Gwen is visually
oriented and she senses her body when she looks at her interna1 picture of it. She says it
"feels very awkward, my arms and legs are too long. I shot up in height very quickly over
a space of a year, and 1keep sort of fading into things and not knowing where to put my
mind, at the same time I feel like a stick figure, not fragile necessarily but very thin, that's
It is clear to me that Gwen does not intend to develop the image further. Therefore
1 invite her to imagine herself as the twelve-year-old girl she is seeing. 1 ask her how her
body feels as that girl. She responds: "What cornes to mind is strange, it feels foreign, it
has feelings 1don? understand" (4ofl). When 1 ask her to be more specific she States:
"Emotions, specifically sexual feelings that originate in my body and I don? understand
them, they make me feel dirty and ashamed, you know, it feels like my body is out of
control, and 1 don't know what to do with it. And it also feels like everybody can tell what
1am feeling, 1 don't know how to explain it, but 1 feel quite exposed" (40f 1).
Gwen follows her awareness with littie guidance from me. She recognizes that up until age
twelve she had fought to ignore her body, but at puberty it was no longer possible: "It feels
like 1 can't get away from it ... 1 successfully managed to ignore my body for most of my
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life and now it is suddeniy having al1 these sensations. both from the growth spun and from
... getting my period, and it is al1 very confusing and I'm fighting to ignore it again ... it
[rny body] carried my head around, and now 1 am having to pay attention to it and 1 don't
like it much" (4-5ofl). Gwen describes clearly a very early split between her head and body
(psyche-soma) indicated by her awareness thaï to include her body changes would drastically
alter something that was secure, an ingrained state of being, intellectually oriented and
seemingly unconscious of having a body. Puberty was inflicting body consciousness: Gwen
was aware of her body irnposing on her head, and she felt antagonistic toward her body.
She already had a sense at age twelve of her body taking her somewhere she did not want to
When Gwen drifts back into an intellectual interpretation of her experience during
the session, 1 continue to encourage her to notice her body and, to link soma with psyche.
observe any messages. She States: "Well, my sexual feelings and messages are in my
genitals ... it feels good and at the same tiine it feels dirty and it feels exposed and
vulnerable and 1 can feel the shame in my face ... and my shoulder, front part of my chest.
at the top of my chest, that's where the shame seems to be, 'cause it feels like just by
looking at me, everyone can tell what's happening in my body" (6ofl). Although Gwen
cannot remember being sexually abused, she came to this study believing strongly that she
had been. Her experience of shame, humiliation. and dirtiness associated with her sexuality
is cornmon to sema1 abuse trauma. I suggest that feeling guilty about what is happening to
her body also raises questions about where that guilt could have originated at such a young
age .
Next she notices a sensation of heat: "It feeis like heat ... in my shoulders, back of
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my neck. blowing on my face. the sort of heat that you get when you're embarrassed and
you blush" (6ofl). 1 suggest she focus on experiencing the sensation of heat and she says:
"The feeling is that I want to cry, my thoughts are confused, 1 don't know what is
happening to me, I can't talk to anyone about it. there isn't anybody there. it doesn't feel
safe enough to talk to anybody so 1 am snick uying to go through this myself ... and 1 have
the strongest sensation ... both a sensation and an image, of basically severing rny head
from my body, so that 1 can free the pressure in my throat, along with the sensation in my
Gwen's image of herself demonstrates that her self-awareness was cut off at the
intellect. This split enabled her to free the pressure in her throat and the sensation in her
body; she had removed her head from her body. Without a prompt, Gwen has apprehended
a body image with a metaphorical quality. but at the same time she is vividly experiencing it
as a body sensation, "the strongest sensation ... both a sensation and an image" (7ofl).
1 want her to be clear about what her intentions are in severing her head from her
body and 1 ask her to explain. She replies: "If I cut my head from my body, if 1 can
separate that, then it will go away ... the feeling dirty and the feeling asharned will just al1
go away." (7ofl). I ask her if she still feels like crying and she responds, "no, because
then I don? feel my body at all, and that's just fuie, [my body] just seems to be a source of
1 ask her what she feels in her body as she speaks about this. She says, "1feel
agitated, pressure in my throat, my legs are stiff and tense, part of what I was aware of
before when 1 was speaking from a twelve-year-old body is agitation in my legs, like
wanting to run, like wanting to get away. and that's what I feel down in my legs, sort of
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stiff and terne, tingling in my hands and arms ... shoulders ... and sadness, the sadness is in
my chest, and my heart area" (8ofl). Wanting to escape and feeling immobilized is another
hallmark of traumatic childhood memories. Anatomically our legs represent the ability to
travel through space or take action in a "flight" response. Gwen pauses and cornrnents:
"My sense is that this is where it started, that's when (twelve years) 1 cut off my body,
After a couple of long pauses, 1 ask if there is anything more she wants to Say about
the memory. When she replies that there is not. I suggest she transition to the present time
and notice her body. She says she feels "heavier, and more solid ... grounded and centred"
and that she is "more cornfortable in having my body and feeling like it's a part of me as
opposed to being a vehicle to cart my head around" (9ofl). Her body feels less breakable
and thin, her legs "solid" and capable of holding her up and comecting her to the earth.
When she looks back at the twelve-year-old girl, she uses the image of a milkweed pod to
describe what that body experience felt like: "1 certainly wasn't connected through my body
.... The image I get is of those seeds that have the long filaments attached ro thern, those
puffballs ... constantly dancing across the earth as opposed tg getting comected to it, like I
was always trying to get away from [the earth]. 1 can remember wondering, when 1 was
twelve, what on earth I was doing here, in this life, on this planet, and my body reflected
that concem" (10ofl). This changed body image is indicative of the progress she has
She feels that in the present she is "comected"; her feet are now "planted on the
ground" and her arms are "strong ... so 1 can hold and ... touch and ... feel." She
compares her present body to the body of her twelve-year-old self, "whose arms were too
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long and awkward and dropped things that she held in her hands." As a twelve-year-old
girl she knew her body was "the only way she could be comected to touch and yet [she]
tried to cut off the awareness of the body and sensation in [her] hands," and as a result
To focus Gwen on her body experience again. I suggest she observe how her chesr is
feeling because she mentioned it earlier. She States: "There is no sensation of [feeling]
ashamed. ... I always have a feeling of sadness in my chest ... pressure, like a bubble
almost." 1 want to encourage her to go further with her body experience and ask where in
her chest she feels this. She says it is " inside ... pretty deep ... it feels like the heart
Recognizing that her heart was affected by her experiences when she was a twelve-
year-old girl, and that loss is a heart issue, I remember that when she went through the
physical changes of puberty no one was around. Therefore, 1 ask her about it. She says:
"My mother died when 1 was thifleen, so she was pretty sick through when I was twelve,
... 1 am an o d y child without relatives in Canada." She mentions her father was availabIe
o d y "peripherally." Now that she has made a comection with her hem, she notices "it's
the bewilderment thoughts as well, of 'what am 1 doing here?', whereas as me now, it's not
the bewilderment any more, just sadness, and I c m feel now that my legs are relaxed ... not
1 recall her unwelcome feelings of sexuality in her memory experience and ask her if
her bewilderment and sadness have anything to do with that. She says that has changed too:
"It's become sexuality and sensuality, 1 feel now 1 have a whole body, and what 1 know
about myself now after many years in therapy is that I can sense as opposed to ... think. I
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used to think 1 was a visual person ami I'm not. I need to touch, to feel things, and rny
body gives me a lot of messages and now 1 c m pay attention" (13ofl). I feel this is an
intellecnial awareness that she is articulating and to some extent a hopeful projection for the
funire. Ofien, before a person is able to make a shift, the cognitive understanding is
After a pause, 1 suggest to Gwen that we continue into an experience of how she
would like to imagine her body in the future. She transitions into the future and notices
fear in her body and tension in her legs and shoulders. She explains her " f e u around my
body in the future" is related to her memory of her mother's illness and prernature death,
and getting older has becorne "synonymous with illness [and] ... my body failing. " She
recalls recently having the flu and wanting to "sever the comection between head and
body." She laughs about it because her head hurt too and she was not sure which end to
keep .
Wishing to guide her towards a psyche-soma link, 1 invite her to notice where her
fearful thoughts are located in her body. She notices a feeling of sadness, but also a sense
of making "connections" to the earth, to other people, and to her purpose on earth, and she
1 ask her for an image of herself in the funire. She has an image of "moving,
jumping for joy, wanting to do cartwheels ... like wanting to be light and free. " Gwen says
she remembers watching seals at the zoo, swïmming undenvater in their tank: "1 remember
being quite envious [about] how at home and a part of their environment they were, at the
same time they were moving within it." She imagines her body in the future might feel
"the sensation of lightness and wanting in some way to jump and not corne down to earth ...
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exhilaration" (16ufI). Gwen's image is a development from her earlier image of herself as
a milkweed pod floating weightlessly through space without needing the earth. However.
she has now included the more substantial element of water, and she has graduated to
intentioned movement.
1 remember that she talked about her heart in connection with fier sadness, and
wanting to direct her toward body awareness, 1 ask her if she notices the feeling of
exhilaration there. She says: "It onginates from the heart, but it moves into my arms and
legs as well. .... But my belly, that seems solid and heavy, it doesn't seem a part of it. ...
1 recognize that she has developed two distinctive parts of herself, or opposing
images in herself, formed with enough clarity so that a dialogue between them would be
possible if she wants it. 1 suggest she attempt a dialogue between her heart and belly. She
begins with her belly and discovers the image is of "solid cast iron pots ... heavy and
black." On the other hand, her images of her heart are "of the Sun, everything just seems
to be light glowing, light in both senses of the word." She says the two parts "seem so
opposite that it feels like there's no dialogue possible ... like they speak different languages"
(180f 1).
Healing Image.
Realizing she is having diff~cultydialoguing, I know we need to go back and bring more
awareness and understanding to the images. She describes the " heavy part" as "keeping me
attached to earth. " At this point she is surprised to find herself in an altered state which she
calls a "stream of consciousness." 1 would suggest that at this point she is able to leave her
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intellect and be present with her body experience. She continues: "The function [of the
heavy part] is protection, protection of the genitals, the vulnerable parts. the parts that were
hurt" (18ofl). Next she notices that "the light part belongs to now and the future. the dark
part belongs to the past. The light part "has a feeling of optimism and hope, hope for the
Without pausing she says "that's al1 I c m think of." Therefore 1 know that she is
back in her intellect and the images will be lost if 1 do not make a suggestion. 1 tell her 1
am going to make a suggestion that she c m accept or ignore. 1 ask her what would happen
if she let the sun image grow and be felt by the harder dark part of the past that "needs to
protect." She admits that as she listened to me she thought it would make no difference.
but as she allowed herself to follow the image of light, she feels "the rays streaming down
my hands and torso into rny belly ... and the heavy dark pan was becoming thimer, like
when a pot starts to rust and star& to flake off and eventually get holes in it. and that's what
the rays of the light part seem to be doing ... sort of lacy, still dark and parts still heavy
and thick but getting thinner and lighter [with a] see-througli iacy pattern. The dark part
before wanted to protest and Say I have a function and 1 have to do this, but it also didn't
object. Lights. rays, and warmth started to melt away" (19ofl). She seems to be aware
that the dark part "is no longer functional any more and it must know this or it wouldn't
have given up" (200fl). She continues: "1 can be centred without being weighed down" and
notices she feels much lighter despite some residual heaviness. 1 suggest she ask the
remaining heavy part what it needs. She States: "It needs me to pay attention to it, to
acknowledge its existence, and it needs to be reassured that it truly isn't al1 the time
ignored" (200fl). She agrees that diis will be possible, "now that I know of its existence."
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Gwen notices, "It doesn't seem like a head thing, more a body comection of one
part of the body to the other part of the body, perhaps a reassurance frorn the Iight pan that
To cornplete the session. Gwen chose to take a few minutes to be present with her
experience, saying "1 think 1 would just like to enjoy this feeling. "
Gwen draws a stick figure, a tree with roots and fruit, and a Sun representing the past.
present, and future respectively. (See Figure 2 .) She explains that she has drawn the
twelve-year-old girl in the past as a stick figure enclosed in a circle that she calls "a grey
void . .. [with] no connection between her and the earth ... floating around there, wondering
what it is she is supposed to be doing and how to get through whatever this is" (22ofl).
She says the arms are protective and she feels "vulnerabIe." As she reflects on her
drawing, it seems to her that she has drawn the stick figure with a "big head ... because
that was where I lived. 1 did a lot of ... compulsive reading so that 1 could get away frorn
In the present, Gwen draws a tree that connects to the earth and the sky. She says
she feels the tree is solid and the fruit represents her leaming and healing activities. She
observes that the circles around the sun that concentncally reach out to other parts of the
picture represent her hem. She says that she often draws circles and feels they represent
her being self-contained. She says: "The light that 1 felt in my heart [is] ... now
encompassing al1 of it, the present and the past." She is surprised that her past image is as
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old as twelve years, since "the more painful things actually happened a lot earlier than that.
a lot of the tirne ... 1 have the rnost trouble with the six-year-old. and in fact 1 saw the
twelve-year-old." Listening to her story 1 am not surprised because at puberty her body
changes probably forced her to become aware of her physical being. I imagine that
the intellect, could elicit possible hidden sexual trauma from the past. 1 would also suggest
this need to protect her genitals was atypical of the general population.
Figure 2 s
,--
' 4
.. Gwen's Drawing 1
5.4. WILLO'S SESSION
Background Information.
Willo is a middle-aged woman of European descent. married with two children. She has
completed the second year of a university degree program. She has three older sisters. who
are considerably older than herself, and one younger brother. Willo is not especially close
to any family members. She describes her rnother as "a perfectionist with a martyr complex
and a resentful caregiver," and ber father as "unable to express emotion other than anger
and unhappy with himself," compulsively eating in order to "fil1 the void."
Willo comrnents that she has seen numerous psychiatrists and psychologists be tween
age eighteen and the present t h e , and until she began working with her current therapist.
who she has been seeing for three years, sexual abuse was never discussed. Willo has no
Willo was sexually abused by her father between the ages of eight and fifteen. The
sexual abuse involved fondling and intercourse, but no oral sex. Her father stopped
sexually abusing her when he "picked up a girlfriend." Although still living at home at age
fifieen, Willo started her "dmg career" (26of3) and entered a psychiatric institution for the
first tirne. "1 told [my mother] about my father having a girlfnend .. . 1 told my father too,
and they both told me 1 was crazy and I was seeing things that weren't real. That was their
way of thinking it was okay, that they were protecting me, and 1 started to believe thern"
(2700). While Willo does not feel close to any family members, she does not feel totally
distant either. In regard to her parents, she States that she has been able to "let go of a lot
of things that happened between my father and 1, [but] I haven't done that with my mother"
(28of3). While the abuse was going on her mother always appeared not to notice. "I've
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tried to protect my mother or myself from believing that my mother knew, but how could
she not know, what did she think was going on ... there were a lot of things that were
pretty obvious" (30of3). Unlike her three sisters, Willo was bathing with her father when
she was as oid as twelve years and was given gifts by her father. He also "left money on
the counter, like [for] a hooker, and 1 remember my sisters openly going, why does Daddy
give Willo that" (30oD). She describes the message she was getting from both parents:
"You are completely and totally responsible for who and what you are and if somebody
Willo began to recall the abuse when she recognized exaggerated, shameful rage
toward her father at his funeral: "His eulogy was a pack of lies .... and 1 remember just
feeling awful things. ... 1 remember crying my head off and it wasn't because I was so sad,
it was because 1 was so ANGRY that they were only getting one side of him. But I didn't
really have concrete memories either, and being completely ashamed ... here he is dead and
I'm MAD" (2308). She continues: "It was only when my pregnancy [came] and [1 was]
giving birth [that] really concrete rnemories came into place" (6-7of2). The physical
activity in yoga classes caused her to cry although she was not making any connection
between her bodily sensations and her thoughts or feelings. She believes this physical
experience "started to open the unconscious and then 1 started to drearn, and from the
dreams I started to have real live memories. that I couidn't just Say: 'Oh well, you know
this was a really weird dream 1 had'. And actual daylight memories. And now it makes
When asked to descnbe her healing process to the present, Willo States: "One-on-one
therapy [for] the past two years coupled by a persona1 willingness to cease or at least curb
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detemination to not avoid or run away from rnemories past and present."
At age twenty-six, Willo was diagnosed with leukaemia, and for the next two years
was involved with this disease, receiving chemotherapy and radiation for a six-month
period. She decided on her own to stop al1 ueatment because she did not feel confident it
was effective. At the time of this study , Willo was under observation for lupus. She States:
"My personal feeling is that the leukaemia was a result of lupus because at that point lupus
was stiil not a widely recognized disease." Her mother has also been diagnosed with lupus.
My study was mentioned to Willo through a mutual friend. Previous to the study. 1
had been introduced to WilIo at a social gathering where we spoke briefly as acquaintances.
supportive of my research.
The Ex~erientialSession.
In the session, Willo begins with a memory of herself as a school girl running. She
associates this with her experiences playing spons such as broomball. and she is particularly
conscious of the sensation in her chest area. "1 [remember] the sensation of breathing ... 1
used to run a lot ... I feel that everything is revitalized because of the expansion and
compression of rny chest while I'rn mnning and breathing and feeling the sensation on my
face and my hair as I'm mnning and it's a cold arena and yet 1 feel so alive and warm and
strong and capable and 1feel carefree too because we're playing a game" (5ofl). She
comments: "1 mirs those feelings ... 1 miss the feeling of mnning on ice and feeling that 1
like my body and I'm appreciative of it, because 1 LOATHED it" (9ofl). She says that at
this tirne she felt undeserving and unable tu do anything "nice" for herself. "1couldn't take
a bath ... put on nail polish ... I had corne to the conclusion that this isn't me. 1 tried to tell
myself that ... 1 can't do anything for myself, to be nice" (9ofl). Later in the session she
identifies herself as a twelve-year-old in this memory of running on the ice; however, the
memory of ninning appears to represent a span of years between the ages of eight and
At this point, Willo begins to recall how it came about that she stopped participating in
sports. "When 1 was about fifieen or sixteen I just cut it out. 1 just stopped. And I
remember being in a süirting block ... and tuming my head and looking at the bleachers and
they were full of students basically . And I couldn't run. I just stopped. And that was my
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last [expenence in sports]. ... 1didn't realize it at the t h e but it al1 fits in with ...
whenever the relationship between my father and 1 ended was when 1 was about 15. So I
didn't tie anything together then. I guess I've always sort of known it since I've been in
therapy but I've never really openiy talked about it. This is really the first tirne. You know
1 ask her to dari@ what makes sense. She replies: "1 think that was when I started
to really hate my body and 1 don't know whether it was other people looking or me wanting
to hide [pause] IT or I'm not sure. Whether it was in a sense my father son of rejecting
After allowing Willo to pursue her thoughts for a while. 1 encourage her to refocus
on her body experience, suggesting she renim to the feeling in her chest area. She
continues to sustain her attention by recalling the thoughts that occurred at the tirne of her
memory. Playing broomball at age twelve was a liberating experience for her because she
did not need an identity that relied on her gender or sexuality. She explains: "1 matured
very Iate and 1 only started my period when 1 was 17, but al1 of these women that 1 was
[with] -- they were women, 1 was not. And this was again an area where we weren't
women, we weren't men, ... the usual things ... couldn't apply, we were just playing a
game and it was really liberating. 1 guess I never felt any different than any of the other
girls" (140fl). She said that when she played school sports she could relate to her peers,
but otherwise "feeling cornfortable with my school friends was oniy after having something,
Next, she free associates the pleasure of mnning to feeling criticized by her parents
and says: "1used to get attention from my father, sexually, and it was still attention, 1 never
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She notices two contrasting feelings in her body: "One is 1 feel like I'm trying to
hold things in and 1 feel a rush of anger. and what I want to do is tighten my body and try
to hold it in, and the other is a fluid, it's almost like a dance. it's a natural rhythm for me.
exercising. and needing to breathe, it's smooth where the other is clenching" (16ofl).
Realizing that she has discovered a division in herself and has clarified it with
images that involved her feelings and thoughts. 1 suggest we move into the present t h e and
check in with her body experience now. She notices being aware of an insight: "1 think 1
always struggle with rny body. 1 don? think I've loved rny body since 1 was twelve, 1 was
a -- outside of my father -- 1 was a virgin until 1 was about twenty, aimost twenty-one"
(17ofl). She says sex "always made me feel very uneasy" (17ofl).
Next she recognizes the connection between her clenching in her body and her
addictions to substances: "My father, 1 couldn't even be around him from fifteen until I
finally left, but 1 would always clench, this clenching, and cigarettes really helped because it
was like a metaphor for keeping things in, and just. you know. SHUT UP and stick a
cigarette in your mouth and PUFF really hard and just, HOLD it. And that way you didn't
scream and yell at someone, you didn't hit ... it was a way of staying in control" (18ofl).
Earlier she mentions that by her eighteenth birthday she was "doing a lot of pot and acid
and basically anything," (8ofl) and that she believed that to do anything numiring for
herself, such as taking a bath or putting on nail polish, was something she could not relate
to (9ofl).
Again 1 listen while she remuiisces about happy, satisfying tirnes when she first had
her own apartment and about mistrating tirnes when she was in a hurtful relationship with
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her employer. She also reminisces about recalling her sexual abuse experiences with her
father and her anger at the time of his hineral. She notices: "I've always gravitated to son
of abusive situations and drugs" (23ofl). She spoke at length about her fears of men and
especially of men being around her small daughter. She believes her daughter naturally
During this time she shifts into an awareness of how her body is feeling at the
present time: "My body is nght now defenceless, 1 feel very, very vulnerable ... it feels
softer, 1 feel bigger" (24ofl). She also says: "And 1 feel very lost ... I've been trying to do
some physical [exercise] ... and 1 haven't been able to get away .... If 1 could get back and
get some of those feelings that 1 had when 1 was twelve and when I was exercising ... I
need to feel my body moving ... I've always prided myself with my strength. ... Like I've
always felt that if 1 were attacked that 1 would be able to .. . I'd be physically strong enough
to ... like 1 don? walk in fear that someone might be able to overpower me. .... That's
always been with me, that's part of my legs and amis" (25-6ofl). Willo is consciously
aware that she is developing her body in order to have its physical strength, although she
mentions she has "some girlfriends who are very rnuch concerned about that" (26ofl). It
seems to me that her strong motivation to develop physical strength might be rooted in a
defense against the fear of being overpowered by men; however, she does not articulate
this. It makes sense on a body level that women would defend against their perpetrators by
wanting to "work out" and build up muscular strength, sometimes to a point that is quite
exaggerated, yet be unaware that îhis is a defensive behaviour. Others might seek a similar
kind of protection by growing fat barriers between their body and other people's bodies.
Strategies of overbuilding the musculature or accumulating fat for insulation may serve
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important purposes at certain times in a woman's healing process. On the other hand.
interna1 strength and the establishment of boundaries need to corne from an embodied
Willo rnakes a comection between her physically strong body and "the part of me
that wants to be nice to me, the part of me that wants to stop being unhappy. to be really
good to myself in ways that aren't destructive" (260f 1). She also connects this part of
herself with her recent effort to quit smoking cigarettes: "1did it as an ACT for ME"
that I'm supposed to be ... 1 feel 1 never have a chance to dream because I've been so busy
trying to GET AWAY" (27ofl). She cries and speaks about how her tears are for "ME"
Willo notices her breathing and then recalls the experience of attending a yoga class
when she unexpectedly began crying spontaneously while perforrning the postures. She did
overwhelming. She comrnents: "What was happening at yoga was, 1 was doing exercises in
certain positions and then I'd suddenly start just bawling my head off ... but 1 wasn't sad
and I wasn't thinking anything sad, 1 would just start crying. it was really WEIRD" (28ofl).
She says she never returned to yoga class because "1 guess 1 wasn't ready to deal with the
Recalling the yoga class experience bnngs Willo back to an awareness of her chest.
She mentions that a naturopath has told her that her chest is "where 1 hold everything in. "
She puts her hand on her chest as she speaks. Because her chest was the focus in her
earlier memory, 1 suggest she focus again o n the pain she was feeling in the area and where
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her hand is now placed. After a few minutes. she describes the pain in her chest as a Rat,
closed, dark area she eventually sees as a "big, dark, scary door with teeth" (3Oof 1). She
describes henelf as standing on the threshold: "1 hold the doorknob and I can't go back. but
1 can't bring myself to go in. 1 open the door a little bit and everything just cornes flooding
out. I just tum into this mess, 1can't function" (31ofl). Willo feels that she cannot go in
the door because she would not be able to carry on her everyday activities, especially
gening the kids to school, doing the laundry, et cetera. She says that the forty-five-minute
time frame with her psychotherapist does not allow for this kind of exploration. It seems to
me she is itemizing al1 of the reasons she has accumulated to help her avoid opening this
door.
Willo recalls a day when she was ovenvhelmed with anger and trashed a bedroom:
"1just went crazy and 1 really scared myself' (33ofl). She speaks about being "terrified ...
I'm trying to break it down so it's not this big overwhelming thing with teeth, and I'm
trying to tackle one thing at a tirne. Like smoking, again, is part of that. 1 had never
imagined, in my life, that 1 could not smoke. 1 needed my cigarettes, they were my friends,
they have been there" (34ofl). She mentions that letting go of her addiction to cigarettes
"makes me get closer to the door," and she is "getting linle glimpses at what's behind there
and taking out one at a tirne ... but right now 1 have to keep holding it together" (34ofl).
It is clear to me that there is a division that she recognizes between the part of
herself that wants to open the door and the part that was a mess behind the door and would
feel overwhelmed if she does not continue to "hold on." 1 suggest she begin a dialogue
She says "the mess" behind the door is trying to tell the person who is holding on,
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"Look if you're not going to open this door, I'rn going to make you a mess anyway. and
I'm going to ERODE you to a point where you have no choice" (36ofl). She continues:
"The side of me that's behind the door needs to know that 1 can have some safe, quality
rime off so 1 don? have to worry about my children and stupid things, and get a CHUNK of
this pain out. ... And the side that wants to hold it together is finding it harder and harder
and harder" (36ofl). She also says a "physical outlet" would be helpful. She starts to cry
as she recalls her rnemory of nuining as a child and feeling "great" in her body and self.
She says the tears are sadness "because I was doing something great for the little kid and
glasses at four, "an awkward little kid." After crying at length she says, "I'm just
professional at putting unpleasant things out of my mind" (40ofl). Part of her coping
strategy has included the use of cigarettes and dmgs to du11 her mind and anaesthetize her
emotions: "1 d o n t even have to THINK about it, I just do -- anything unpleasant, it's gone.
And that's served me WELL sometimes." In this way she is successfully removin; her
head from her body. unlike others in this study who have chosen to remove their body from
1 ask her where in her body she puts her "unpleasant things" when she wants them
out of her mind. She States she has " M e spaces in between organs ... little pockets ... of
spirit or mind ... I guess unconsciousness" (4O0f1). She continues: "1can just bury things.
It's almost reflexive because I've been doing it my whole Iife ... like SECRETS ... but I've
Willo recalls that as a child she was an "adult from birth." She makes a link
Il8
between herself and her mother. Apparently her mother told her that she. Willo, was the
reason her mother couldn't "take time for herself." "Many times [I have] had difficulty
during therapy expressing anger and feelings because I've always chosen to be the ADULT
looking back ... instead of the child and what the child felt. 1 couldn't connect with those
feelings" (43). Connecting directly with her child part leads her to an appreciation of her
potential for experiencing pleasure. She says: "1 woutd like to get to a point where at least
I'm doing things for myself that are nice. And give ME pleasure. And not necessarily
She talks about being impatient with her healing process: "I'm TIRED of feeling
SAD and just ALL of it. and 1get really impatient" (48ofl). After this prolonged period of
tirne with her intellect leading, 1 suggest she renirn to her image of the door with teeth and
ask herself how it feels. She describes it as "not as black as it was, and the teeth are
receding a bit, I even feel 1 could open it a bit and not burst into tears. it doesn't feel like
there is so much from the outside PUSHING against the door, like the pressure is not as
strong, as built up as it was before" (490fl). While she is talking she is touching her hean
area and she says: "It's a real physical pain like an ache. and now 1 don? feel the build-up
that's behind" (5Oofl). The release of pressure resembles the feeling she experiences after
she has "dealt with something" with her therapist after postponing it, when she has "finally"
Healing Image.
I realize Willo has reached a point where she has attained clarity about the parts of herself
that are in conflict and has located them in her body, successfully associating the emotional
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content of her discovery. Therefore I invite her to transition into the fuhlre by irnagining
Wilio notices herself "floating in the ocean ... [in] absolute bliss " (500f 1). She
describes her experience of the ocean. recalling her visits to the ocean as a child: "It's an
ease. a carefreeness. and €rom the ocean 1 get such strength, it's so suong. it's ... powefil.
I've seen the ocean so many different ways ... it's an instant calm for me to sit by the ocean
... it's very simiiar to ninning on the ice where you breathe deeply and your face feels the
sensation of coolness and wind" (52ofl). She also enjoys the sensation of the hot sand,
making a well for her body in which she can lie and feel "the heat moving through [my]
whole body .... And 1 would like to enjoy my body like that" (55ofl). While recalling her
childhood sumrners at the beach, she realizes her reluctance to return there is based on
feeling certain that her sisters were also abused, but that no one is ready to discuss these
fmily secrets. She also remarks on how critical her sisters are toward her and how she
To complete the session, 1 invite Willo to focus on the image of the ocean and
whatever her experience of it is at this time. She tells me that the ocean and running over
the ice rink both involve water and are "very similar" in their effects on her body.
We end the session with a drawing and a discussion. (See Figure 3.) Willo draws an
abstract shape that she says is herself behind the door: "It's ME. It's the centre of me
which is red and hot and angry and sort of chaos. I'm coming out and I want to get to
these cool blue shores. ... I think [now] I'm in the yellow-green zone" (6Oofl). She
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explains that she knows she is not going back to a tirne when the door is permanently and
completely shut. "That [Le. the picture] is what is behind the door, and when 1 fmaily open
the door and deal with what THIS [pointing to the centre] is, 1 will be able to have this
[pointing to the blue-green] ... and no other way ... there's no short cut, there's no magic
pill, no drugs, yeah ... letting THAT [pointing to the centre of the picture] out, and when 1
Willo is pleased that she has given the previously "overwhelming mess" a shape that
is less terriQing. The drawing helps her to recognize her process of integration. She
explains: "1think it is that I've given it a shape, and it's not a scary shape, there's
roundness to it, but it's going OUT, it's not enclosed, the figure eight used to always be my
favounte number and it was because of the shape, and it was very complete" (63ofl). She
describes the open figure eight in her drawing as "like a flower, sort of like an atom
exploding, in the centre you'll bum yourself, and at the edges it's whatever atoms ARE ar
Background Information.
Trudi is a young adult, single woman of European descent from a Catholic family. Trudi
grew up with two older brothers. two younger brothers, and a sister who is slightly older.
Trudi describes herself as extremely distant from both of her parents. She describes her
father as treating her like an object (450f3) and the relationship as "psychologically
incestuous" (4308). She is only sornewhat dose to the younger brother who is nearest in
age to her.
Trudi believes her sexual abuse occurred when she was between the ages of seven
and ten. The abusers were her two older brothers and another male "that lived in her
house." She refrains from disclosing to me the details of the abuse. She o d y had "a vague
feeling that something happened" until three years ago when she started psychotherapy . She
has been in analytically oriented therapy for the past three years. Recently she has had four
and one-half months of touch therapy and has studied a body knowledge technique for the
past twenty rnonths. However, she says that she has no previous experience in body-
Trudi describes her healing process to date as taking her "a great distance ... in
tems of being able to ta& about the abuse. However, 1 cut myself off from my family and
at times 1 feel I push my emotions down rather than experiencing them. 1 feel detached
from rny story. At tîmes 1 feel myself splitting in two. At times 1 feel the same age as
when the abuse occurred. My level of anxiety has decreased as I have learned to taik about
the abuse." Trudi is very clear about the limitations of her process to this point. My
experience in working with her evidenced her reluctance to deal directly with her body
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experience. 1 believe her expectation is that I am to direct the experiential session. The
session is quite advanced when she realizes that she is "in conuol." In every interview she
tends to ask questions in order to ascertain my intentions. 1 am not entirely sure why she
does this; however. she may need reassurance that she is answering appropriately.
Evidently Trudi has expenenced betrayal by her body and by her farnily to an inhibiting
degree. Her family members al1 continue to be in denial regarding her abuse. and this
denial has created an ambivalence about the desirability of healing. As a result, she has
considerable diff~cultyreaching a healing image for herself. She admits, however, that she
has "never really told my story to anybody" (66ofl). It is unlikely that she will progress
further in her healing until she is able to reveal herseif more completely and tell her
"story."
At age eleven years Trudi began a series of operations that involved inserting
permanent metal "rods and pins" into her spine and hip joints. Before the surgery, attempts
were made to correct her hip problern with legs braces: "1 used to have to Wear braces on
my legs to bed at night, from the t h e 1 was about seven [when] the problems started ...
until ... about fourteen or fifteen" (l70f2). "Problems" here could mean a worsening of her
hip condition and/or the beginning of her sexual abuse, since she refers to seven as the age
when the abuse started (2108). Her curent physical problems are complicated by her
compulsion to exercise strenuously, which in the tirne period of this smdy she has been
seeking to moderate.
While Trudi did not remember her sexual abuse until she was an adult she says, "1
had funny sensations for a long tirne ... a gut feeling that something went on and 1just
pushed it down ... Before 1 started my analysis I remernber thinking I wonder if that will
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corne up. ... 1 went [to analysis] for different reasons" (61-2of2). In the interview one year
later, Tmdi has a different view of her body experience. She States: "1don? get body
memories and stuff like that, 1 don? think I've had anything like that" (2500). This mm-
around is confusing for me and 1 assume that because she contradicts herself, it is confusing
for her too. It is likely that this confusion sustains her ambivalence about her healing
process.
After beginning nnaiysis, Trudi "started having tons of images and flashbacks"
(62of2). A year later she says she still doubts whedier she has a true memory of the sexual
abuse because she has not been able to receive any verification from family members.
Tmdi says: "1hope 1 can trust that they are real [memories] without having to shock my
family about it because they don? really seem very approachable ... I haven't seen my
family in nearly three years, there is this avoidance [and] fear. and I think as long as 1
[avoid them], it will always have power over me" (2608). As noted earlier, her farnily's
attitude plays a part in her ambivalence about comecting her physical ailments to her
The follow-up interview one year later is also difficult for Tmdi because she has
entered an academic prograrn and feels that focusing on her body experience and past sexual
abuse will interfere with her cognitive abilities. She had also stopped therapy during this
period, for the same reason. Because 1 understand the importance of her current academic
Trudi's memory is of her first hip surgery at age "about eleven." She visualizes an X-ray
of her hips and says. "1 aiways see this picnire ... a lot" (7ofl). She continues: "It is up on
the glass, and it always jumps out at me. that image, 1 can see it, ... it is just something 1
see a lot and I find it kind of embarrassing because everyone was always looking at it. 1
never see it alone, 1always see it with a lot of people. It makes me fez1 very transparent.
I feel like they know, they c m see through it." She explains that her family and "a lot of
doctors" were always present in the hospital while the X-rays were viewed. This visual
picture makes her feel "horrible" but she does not know why; however, she says. "1 always
felt that 1 was on display ... the lights ... I felt shame 1guess" (9-10ofl).
Up to this tirne in the session, she is primarily focused in her intellect and not
present in her body experience. Trudi continues throughout the session to speak in this
tentative marner of maybes, sort ofs, and 1 guesses. In this transcription, 1 omit most of
these qualifiers for the purpose of clarity; however, the reader needs to keep in mind that
her hesitant, insecure verbalization is part of her expression at this tirne. At a particularly
crucial point in the session, Trudi verbalizes her frustration at not being able to articulate
because it seems that she still has some need not to expose herself. For example, at this
point when she mentions feeling shame, 1 invite her to notice where in her body she feels it.
As a result, 1follow her conversation and suggest she focus on her pelvis. She
notices that she is feeling "numb" in her "hips and legs" (120fl). She is able to descnbe
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the numb feeling as follows: "The image would be Iike a cross ... the colour would be black
... the texture would be something very horrible [such as] concrete" (l2ofl). She associates
the concrete with "a feeling of powerlessness, no control" (Uofl).
At this time, she notices she was younger, "probably eight or nine" (Mofl). When I
invite her to notice how her pelvis is feeling, she says: "Well I feel like 1don't want to go
there. " Shortiy afterwards she says: "My head is starting to hua a bit" (l50fl). She
notices she is clenching her hands, holding her breathing, feeling anxious in her chest. She
f d l y says, "1 feel like I am totally locked in concrete" (160fl). She says this "stiff and
rigid feeling" was not present when she fmt Iay down at the begiming of the session. At
this point, Trudi sees her "brothers' faces" which makes her feel frightened. She feels as
though someone has a "hold" on her body, which she associates with her "family"
generally, and has an urge to "strangle" her brothers. As she follows the sensations in her
body Trudi transitions to a memory of being tied down "on a striker bed ... the bed 1 had to
lie down on after I had the operation on my back" (210fl). Clearly the experiences of
being sexually abused by her brothers and being restrained post-operatively have become
enmeshed in her memory. Throughout the session she continues to want to talk about the
two memory experiences as if they were joined. In the memory with her brothers' faces,
she is eight or nine years old and in the mernory of the hospital bed she is thirteen years
old.
Trudi continues to discuss the unpleasant forced passivity of her experience in the
hospital: "They lift you up and tum you over ... you don? ever get to Wear clothes, you
just have a sheet covering you, that was really embarrassing" (23ofl). In a way that is
similar to someone regaining consciousness in a recovery room after surgery, she notices a
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sensation of feeling "really thirsty , really dehydrated, " and "complete numbness" and "a lot
of pain" in her back (24ofl). She says: "1can't take it any more ... it is terrible, and they
keep on doing more" (24ofl). She associates her family and the hospital non-specifically as
she states: "1 feel like I'm going to explode ... if people will not listen to me ... but you
Therefore I feel it might be appropriate to invite her to imagine her body in the present
tirne. Once she is in the present, Trudi notices her head still hurts and she feels very stiff
in her body and as if she is "not breathing. " She particularly notices "a really heavy
weight" on her shoulders and feels that "this weight has something to do with my family"
(28ofl). She says that her shoulders feel "that they are not operating on their own" and that
they are carrying her "family shit" (29ofl). At this point, Trudi makes a psyche-soma link
and states: "1 just keep on carrying it around because it is mine ... 1 just accepted it .. . just
kept it in, and 1'11 keep the secrets buried ... so the load will keep on getting heavier
because there are more people now involved, and more people can't know" (30ofl). Her
shoulders feel "they can't take much more weight" (30ofl). Trudi starts to feei a headache
and says: "1 think that is why there is so much pressure in rny head, because there is so
much weight on my back" (3lofl). Tmdi is explaining how she creates headaches to
aileviate her emotional stress. a f o m of somatization. She senses disagreement between her
head and her shoulders. Her head part wants to "give it [i .e., the weighthecrets] back, " but
on the other hand, her shoulders feel "our secret is ... unbelievable, and they have known
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and they keep it more secret" and therefore the shoulders "just can't do it" (3 lofl).
During the dialogue between her head and her shoulders, Tmdi notices her "stomach
feels ... in knots and anxious" (33ofl). Her shoulders feel unable to "let go of the
responsibility" and as a result her head becomes "confused. l' She feels the family secrets
are going to make her head "snap o f f (34ofl). She notices her image of concrete has
At this point Tmdi says she feels very confused and 1 offer back to her al1 of the
physical associations she has mentioned to this point. From the selection she chooses to
begin a dialogue between her head and her shoulders. She says: "1 wouldn't mind [my
head] being removed from my shoulders ... 1 think I could look at things differently ... be a
little more objective about my parents ... more aware of what I'm feeling and 1 wouldn't be
so critical of ... what my feelings are. just be able to Say it. and not be embarrassed by it"
Her head has a sensation of "chaos": "1 am not supposed to feel angry ... it always
tells me not to feel" (38ofl). She immediately associates this command from her head to
deny her feelings with a sensation in her stomach: "1 always feel this very intensely in my
body and 1 feel the emotion right down to my stomach ... but I can let it go if I wait long
enough ... 1 can get rid of the feeling by just trying to numb it out" (39ofl). This numbing
tactic is Trudi's principal coping strategy, assisting her to avoid feelings and sensations.
I encourage her to continue following her body experience and she notices she feels
as if she were "going to fall apart1' (40ofl). She says: "1 always had to be two different
people, " one that keeps the emotions in check and one that "doesn't know how to deal with
expressions but can feel it" (41ofl). She continues to illustrate how she experiences this
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split in her body. For example she says, "1often feel depressed ... but I'm not sure what it
relates to ... just a very heavy feeling. " She describes her stomach as "splitting hard right
down the middle," with a thought that she "just can't take it any more."
She imagines herself in a hospital where "1 could just get sick and everybody eIse
would take care of me." She is using an "escape hatch" coping strategy resembling the one
she used in the past when her emotions became too conflicted. Now she is able to reflect
on this strategy. She says: "So it took away from whatever was going on ... and 1 did that
from about the age of seven years old ... but 1can't do that any more, I h o w that ...
sometimes I wish 1 could go back" (43ofl). In her words, "When 1 get really desperate 1
feel that way ... just go back into the hospital, the hospital only got me away from my bad
home situation" (44ofl). She realizes that her "bad home situation" no longer applies
because she no longer lives in that environment. but she still wants "someone else to take
She notices her head wanting to "explode or spi11 out [like] a watermelon" (45ofl).
The image of her head as a watermelon leads her to this psyche-soma association: "1 just
feel like ... part of me has let out my secret but another part is just keeping it inside ... and
it is afraid of the consequences" (45ofl). Trudi has recognized two opposing parts of
herself represented by her head and her hips. Focusing on the discornfort of her
"exploding" head leads her to notice pains in her hips and then she sees the "image of the
X-ray." At this point Trudi has an insight about the shame and embarrassrnent she
remembers experiencing repeatedly when recalling the X-ray of her pelvis as a child:
"When I was a kid ... 1 just had a lot of sharne around that [X-ray rnernory] ... but I didn't
tie it together with what happened to me" (46ofl). She says: "If 1 could go back, what ...
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my head was trying to Say when 1 saw it [the X-rayJ was everybody knew Our secret. Our
family secret. It was right there, it was right there every time they posted it. every time
they put it under the bright Iights. They have to know. ... Nobody said anything to me.
they never said anything. 1 was just embarrassed, 1 hated them, 1 hated always being on
display ... they would never Say what it was, it was just an X-ray, just a specimen" (46ofl).
For the "past few years" in psychotherapy , Trudi explains. she has been "trying to
figure out al1 the physical problems I had and how it [sexual abuse] is related, because
nobody ever had an explanation for me ... it just felt like when 1 was in the hospital, the
way they treated me ... 1 just felt like everybody knew .. . but nobody was saying anything
... they were abusing me again ... it was al1 just continuous ... the humiliation and the
shame ... felt like it was al1 related to being abused again and again" (47-8ofl).
Trudi continues to draw parallels between her experience of sexual abuse and what
she now regards as abuse by the hospital. When she is describing her hospital experience,
it sounds like sexual abuse. Speaking from her hips, she says: "1 just have so much shame
... inside of me ... at the hospital you are just open to anybody, they can do anything they
want to ... lift your sheets and they don? care ... you are immobile and you ... can't do
anything" (490f1). She recognizes that the hospital seemed "better than home" because her
brothers "would not touch me any more" (@of 1). She believes the doctors treated her
"medically" and listened only to her parents. Apparently hospital staff never asked her
At this tirne, Trudi feels a pressure in her head that she is evidently reluctant to
explore so she seeks direction. Since she has continued throughout the session to look to
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me for confirmation and sometimes solutions (e.g., am 1 on the right track?). 1 now wish to
bring to her attention my awareness that she probably has a part within herself that is
capable of giving her guidance. Therefore 1 suggest she might fmd it helpful to get in touch
with her "wise part," which she, coming from an analytic background. interprets as her
Healing Image.
Trudi envisions "an older woman" who looks Iike a "wise man" wearing a black shawl and
using a cane. Trudi says: "She is standing but she is not suaight, she is a little bit crooked"
(53ofl). This is particularly remarkable because Tmdi has a rod in her spine so that her
back is entirely rigid and suaight. She notices the woman's eyes are blue and her hair is
blonde and her name is Ida. Trudi notices the pressure in her head "spreading" down her
back as she hears Ida telling her to "write from a perspective of a child," and to contact her
family and express her anger toward them. Trudi realizes she is "too afraid of her farnily"
to feel safe expressing her anger directly, although she articulates her goal is to stop
"tum[ing] it on myself ... 1 find it easier just to blame myself" (56ofl). Trudi assumes that
if she wntes from the perspective of her child part, the written account will necessarily
reach her family. She says that in any case she is "always afraid to write" because "1 don?
Finally, Trudi suggests to me that neither of us knows the direction of her "journey."
She says: "Am 1 taking you on this journey but you didn't know where you are going at
all?" 1 reply that 1have no idea (59ofl). 1 am delighted and relieved to know that Trudi
has understood at Iast that she is in control of this session and that 1 will not be able to
132
direct her because 1 am following her lead. I encourage her to be present with her "higher
1 ask Tmdi if she would be cornfortable making a transition to the future at this
tirne. and imagining what her body might be like. She realizes she wants to feel "much
more receptive. no boundaries ... in control of my body, to like my body and not feel
asharned of it ... more open and not carry around al1 the pressure" 60- lof 1). She notices
she no longer has "the feeling of being ernbedded in concrete" and says, "1can move more
and 1 have more energy " (6104. Her stomach feels better but she still feels "a lot of weight
on [her] head and shoulders." Significantly, she says: "1 can really feel the rod that is in
my back ... in the future 1 would like al1 the metal in rny body taken out of me ... this rod,
Imagining the metal being removed from her body reminds her of being "opened up"
and "exposed once again" in surgery. She says: "I'm just a pile of meat to hem" (63ofl).
However, she realizes that without the metal, "al1 the memories around them would be out
too ... [it would] take out al1 the bad times, al1 the things that led up to that point" (640f 1).
Referring to the metal and the memories, she says: "They are always associated .. . 1 look at
my scars and 1 remember and it is always there, 1 look at the age 1 was then, what was
going on for me ... it is a rerninder for me because they are still in me, I feel like that part
Realizing that removal of the metal in her body is not an option for her healing, I
suggest that she invite her "higher self" to assist her. She says: "She is still telling me to
write ... 1 could wnte about the experience of what it felt like to have them [Le., the metal
pins and rods] put in, what it feels like now ... because I never really told my story to
133
anybody ... lots of things about the abuse ... have to do with hospitalization ... a lot of
associations" (65-6ofl). She explains: "1keep on waitïng for people to take it away fiom
me, to make it vanish. to make it go away. but it just keeps on coming back. like a stearn
roller could run over me right now" (66-7ofl). She says her image is "of being tlattened
out ... into the ground ... like if you break a watermelon open or you could just have a
She explores this idea, saying that she would rather "explode" than "irnplode"
because that would make her "just get sick again" (69ofl). She explains that exploding the
watermelon is important "because it is easy if you just imagine pieces everywhere and you
could just see al1 the content, just everywhere. see al1 the liale parts of it" (69-70ofl).
Clearly she imagines the relief of being exposed completely by an extemal force that she
Trudi makes a vivid metaphorical association between her inability to tell her story
and her longing for a thorough exposing of her entire being. The arnount of violent
external force necessary for the exposure of her "content" is a representation of her extreme
resistance and her expectation that she will need an external agent to open up. Her
Trudi reflects for a shoa tirne on the effects of change and her unreadiness to accept
it. I invite her to find a way to complete the session and to draw a picture.
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Trudi describes her drawing as coming from her "unconscious. " She says: "1 can't put
words to it ... 1 don? really know what it is" (74ofl). (See Figure 4.) While describing
her picture to me, Trudi continues to have difîiculty tallcing directly about the picture itself
and instead makes parallels with more familiar images she has drawn in the past.
Viewing the completed picture, she has doubts about whether "there is any future"
represented in it, but feels "there is this past, images in there" (pointing to her picture).
She explains the picture contains a "very sharp instrument cutting through something. " and
although she is vague she says: "sometirnes images that 1 draw often resemble hip bones"
(76ofl). "1often draw images that really have no limbs, no arrns, no legs. " She points out
that the red and black colours and the crosses in her drawing are similar to the contents of
other drawings she has made; however, she notices, "This is interesthg here, there is some
green, 1 felt like I could introduce green" (75ofl). 1 would suggest that although Tmdi is
not consciously aware of progress she may have made in the session, her ability to
When 1 ask her about the green, she says it is "grounding" without being able to provide an
Another element in her drawing that strikes her as unusual is the appearmce of the
red dots she has drawn inside one of the pelvic shapes. She comrnents: "1 often do little
things like this, but it didn't corne out the normal way ... [these look] like little creatures"
(75ofl). Apparently Trudi was expecting the dots to "look like Iittle demons," but as she
looks at thern she fmds they "certainly don? look like that, they don't have that feel at al1 to
me, and 1 wanted them to have that ... but they just did not come out that way" (75ofl).
135
She says she "wanted to spew out" these creatures, but this time they do not look "demony"
enough (76ofl). Because the picture has elements that are new to her. 1 again feel it is
likely that there has been some change. Tmdi, however, gives no signs of knowing what
this means.
Tmdi describes the figure on the left in her picture as a "very sad figure ... of a
child" and "a cutting hamrner or ... it could be part of an axe" (760f 1). At this point, she
refers to a previous drawing of her death that she did not attempt to understand until her
analyst "helped" her. "1mean I just didn't thhk anything of it" (770fl). 1 realize that
Tmdi has difficulty integrating her intellect with her body experiences.
5.6. LAURA'S SESSION
Backerround Information.
Laura is a divorced, rniddle-aged, Caucasian woman with one adult child and a college-level
education. Laura grew up with her parents, two sisters, and one brother. Laura describes
her father as a binge drïnker. She does not feel close to any of her family rnembers at ihis
time. Laura describes her history of sexual abuse as follows: "The abuse began around four
months and continued throughout childhood with the last experience around age twelve. 1
had ten abusers -- father, uncle, three aunts, cousin, grandfather, old man neighbour, sister,
and mom. The abuse consisted of some isolated incidents, but most of the abuse was
perpeuated by my cousin who was twelve years older than me. He was very sadistic,
probably psychopathie, and was also physically and emotionally abusive toward me. Some
of the abuse was rinial -- cult-like in nature; this abuse stopped around age three years. My
father abused me from age four months to six years and then it stopped. My uncle abused
me from when I was a baby until age three years. My grandfather abused me from age
Laura describes her healing process as "long, deep, and hard." She has been
involved in various forms of psychotherapy since 1985. She has extensive experience in
body-oriented approaches to healing that utilize touch. At the time of the experiential
session, Laura says she has "stopped al1 the bodywork since 1 was being flooded" (80f2).
This body-oriented session with me represents a new experience for her because 1 do not
touch her, although she is able to focus directly on the experience of her body.
In 1992, Laura found that she has a dissociative identity disorder formerly known as
a multiple personality disorder (DSM-IV). I did not know this previous to the session.
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However, during the session our focus becomes the body expenence of one of her alters.
The alter states that she is one of Laura's children. Apparently, Laura decided before the
session that if she dissociated, she would feel safe disclosing to me thac she was multiple.
Laura knew about this study through a mutual acquaintance. Her interest in participating
came largely frorn a desire to support research that would validate the experiences of
When her memories began, Laura believed she was crazy. She states: "We're glad
we never came across anything like false rnemory back then. we probably would have
believed we were crazy ... no one has ever Ied us to Our mernories" (19oQ). Laura's early
memories ofien corne in dreams that she describes as nighmiares. Laura believes many
"bizarre thingsf' trigger memories for her, including "perfume and peppermints." Body pain
has been a strong memory trigger and she now associates much of the pain in her neck and
arms to the methods of being positioned during the abuse. She also explains that she has
experienced many "medical diseases," including symptoms of multiple sclerosis that were
never clearly diagnosed, and severe endometriosis. Initially she sought organic causes, but
she now believes that these diseases were largely the manifestation of emotional stress and
In the session, Laura begins by focusing her attention on her lower back area. She
remembers being very small and hating it. and a man picking her up off the floor. The
sensation of weight in her lower back turns to numbness the moment he picks her up. The
full memory that follows is a reconstruction of the experience of rape by this man, who was
her uncle.
In the session, Laura describes the rape as "like being at the dentist -- they have frozen you,
you know they are there and working, but you can't acnially feel anything" (5ofl). This is
and pressure that she cannot identiv or conuol, which gives way to a du11 aching in her
lower back that she says "feels sharp and intermittent" (5ofl). While she is relating this
experience during the session, her body is in obvious rhythrnical contractions similar to an
orgasm. She notices she is frightened and that what he is doing makes her cry. He calls
her his princess and tells her that she should not try to stop herself but rather enjoy it. He
tells her that she enjoys it because her body is hot. and although he calls her his princess he
d s o tells her that she is bad. Recognizing that her thoughts are clear, 1 invite her to tell me
about the pain in her back. She says: "It feels like somebody has got a shovel and they are
digging into my back with the pointy end ... he is ... digging in his fingers to hold me still"
(7ofl). He instructs her to hold still and she will get to the point where she likes it. Laura
says, "1donTtthink 1 have any choice, I can't get away from him, I can notice it's
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throbbing, hands behind my back, there is a pulse there" (9ofl). He is hurting her and at
the same t h e she is trying to stop the "feeling from happening because when 1 feel this way
he says then 1 am enjoying it" (9ofl). Laura's experience of totai helplessness and
inescapable abuse are hallmarks of trauma. Her abuser is definhg her experience by telling
her that her body reaction means something different from the mental and emotional reality
of knowing that he is hurting her and wanting him to stop. She is being betrayed by her
At this point Laura starts to cry; her voice rises to a high pitch and she begins to
whirnper. She says she is "bad because 1enjoy it. ... It feels like in my mind I didn't want
it but rny body made me do it. 1 couldn't have helped it and I am angry that my body
doesn't listen to my mind because he will keep hurting me as long as 1 seem to keep
enjoying it ..., 1 don't want him to do this and he just w& away when he finished,
cleaned himself up, he has done this before" (IOofl). She is left feeling "sore with a bunch
of guclq sniff." Laura is angry ar her body for not taking direction from her mind, thereby
betraying her and making her into a "bad" person. Her body is to blame for her pain and
her abuser's actions. Laura is describing an experience of a splitting between her body and
her mind. Ultimately her mind could not control her body and she would split the two apart
Laura continues in this regressed state and speaks in the tone, manner, and
vocabulary of a very young child, probably age 2-3 years, she says. She notices her back
hurts less now, although she is "stinging in a private place" (120fl). She moves to thoughts
about telling people what happened to her. She recalls in the past she went to the doctor,
but he told her she was cleaning herself excessively. Next, she recalls telling her mother
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and aunt, who also did nothing. Thus, at that tirne, the people she perceived as abusers as
well as her caretalcers were sending her messages that she was deseming of the abuse and
When 1 suggest to Laura that she refocus on the experience of her body, she notices
anger in her chest and is able to recognize it is because of the way the uncle abused her.
She notices a pain in her neck that tums into a pain in her head, and she becomes aware
that " when the headache cornes 1 don't feel so bad down below any more" (14ofl). This
name is SaUy and that "there are lots of us kids inside" (15ofl). Sally is an alter. Sally
explains that she and the other children c m feel Laura "looking after us" (l60f 1). Safly
says she feels safe. 1 recognize the safety arose out of her ability to displace her pelvic pain
to her head. 1 redirect her to her body experience by asking how it feels in her body to feel
safe like this. Sally responds, "Held, warm, ... like something that 1 didn't like off my
chest, [Laura] cares, helps when we feel bad, body feels better, feels no more bad. no more
bad reaction, clears things, I'm not bad, [Laura] makes me feel good, aches go, fun things"
(16ofl).
Healing: Image.
At this point, 1 realize that Laura has reached a certain amount of self-knowledge,
recognizing the pain in her body, where and how it came to be manifest, and understanding
the source of her anger. Because her awareness is evident to me, I invite Laura to
transition from the past into the present t h e . She easily does this. 1 ask how her body
feels. She replies that she is breathing more deeply into her pelvis where she feels a
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"healing bmise. " When I ask her to describe to me the "healing bruise" she responds. " this
pink, sort of like a wann ooze. kind of sliding through al1 the areas that were hurt before"
(180fl). 1 recognize the pink ooze as a healing phenornenon and suggest to Laura thar she
invite the pink ooze to offer her a message. Laura is silent for half a minute and then
speaks: "It says 1 was created by you and my job is to love you and heal you ... feeling a
nice warm feeling in the pelvis ... al1 that area that was tom before feels very warm and
actually safe" (19ofl). Later, Laura draws the pink in her picnue at the end of the session.
1 direct Laura to notice how her lower back feels. She says she feels a du11 ache that
is "trying to cry out, to be released" (200fl). She continues: "A lot of the ache cornes from
there, from al1 of [the children alters]. .. it feels like they al1 want to tell their story and I
need to send the area lots of loving and lots of reassurance that they will have a chance to
tell their story ... the aching is subsiding because they were sent the message that they will
all be helped also ... my heart cries out too because it has contained this for so long"
(210fl). Evidently, Laura is now aware that parts of her personality from the past were in
fact affecting her bodily through pain in her lower back. The children's pain was also
affecting her heart. She can locate her "alters" in her body now and has developed a
In response to her saying that her "lieart cries out," 1 ask her if that is like wanting
to cry. She says that she has "shed a Lot of tears" and that the children inside her have
difficulty because while some are verbal others are not. "It's hard for them to tell their
story because they can't talk, ... sometimes they will draw pictures of their experience"
(220E1). She says that with reassurance and help from people, the "ache in my back
will be gone" (220fl). Then she notices a lump in her lower back. 1 invite her to tell me
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about the lump, and she explains the lump is a "block" that has a "gatekeeper" who makes
it "hard to taik. " She says, "Two things are happening ... a road block between rny brain
and my mouth ... and 1 have just been punched in the gut. " Laura says she felt sirnilar
"body reactions" after she told this to her therapist. She describes her diaphragm as " tight"
and "really hurting." I suggest she continue to follow her body experience. to go "deeper"
and "see what is important there." At this point, Laura describes meeting an adult alter that
is concerned about safety and unable to speak because she feels betrayed. Laura seems
comfortable with her decision not ro pursue this part of herself at this time.
Next 1 invite Laura co imagine her body in the future. She says she would "Iike to
take flight" except that she is "pinned by strings to the ground ... from my lower back and
my chest." When I suggest that she go further into the future, the strings disappear.
Initially she says it feels nice, but then she says she feels scared. "The kids are scared ...
because 1am in the ... future and they haven't told their story yet, they are afraid that if 1
tell a nice story they won? get a chance ... so 1 have to stay in the present" (280fl). She
comments that her current psychotherapy is "al1 wrapped around my need to know of them
and not leave them behind, so 1 have to stay here in the present" (29ofl).
I believe it is important for her that 1 validate her experience, especially since it was
my idea to suggest imaging her body in the future. 1 tell her that 1respect her process and
believe the messages she is receiving are important. She says that the "intensity" in her
lower back, where earlier in the session she located her children parts, has wamed her it is
not right for her to imagine herself in the future. She describes her "short-lived experience"
of the future as giving her "a sense of persona1 integrity [and] ... self-love" (31ofl). She
pictures herself as a "dormant Rower": "1do things that reinstate that feeling [of integrity
144
and self-love] but it still has to stay dormant [because] 1 can't leave the head process"
(3 lofl).
We end the session with a drawing and a discussion. (See Figure 5.) Laura draws her
"healing image" from the session and describes it as looking like a potato with eyes. She
says it is "this core of me. al1 that I am as present." Within the present she experiences
"sadness and fear with these different faces." She explains that she has drawn a similar
image in the past that was floating without eyes. The eyes represent to her the unheard
children inside her. She surrounds them with a "blanket of love" that is pink: "1 see it as
being the blanket of love 1 really try to give the parts of me that have been created to Save
my Iife and ailow me to survive" (32ofl). Surrounding the pink blanket is "the future. what
I see the most ... a very pastel healing layer" (32ofl). She describes the centre of the
potato as "hot" and the area outside of it as "much cooler" because "there is a blending in
the purple of the passion and the anger in the red and the calm sense of blue and outside of
it al1 is a very peaceful place which is a s o a of bluey green colour which tends to be very
healing." She envisions that the "area of fear and anger and feeling udoved ... will be
At this point, 1mention the similarïty in the blue colour of the "kids" inside the
potato and the outermost healing layer. She responds by saying that she did not intend this
but "this is the key to this, big time!" This association leads her directly to analyze the
deeper meaning of the session, which 1 encourage non-verbally. She draws associations
with her current process in psychotherapy, saying that when she began the drawing she
145
thought she would need to "force out what they need to Say." but she discovered that there
was "a sense of stillness, a sense of knowing thac there is no need to fight, no need for
anybody h i d e to fight to be heard, they really trust that they are going to be heard. so they
1 realize during this process that the challenge 1 unknowingly gave her in asking her
to imagine herself in the future was ultimately a catalyst, helping her to recognize that her
children were "scared" and that she could hear thern when they were clear about their
needs. Their message has helped her understand that her process of integration does not
include a future at this tirne: "1can't think about the future because 1 have to take them
dong every tirne and see how things begin to work" (35ofl).
She explains that in therapy she has been working on "slowing things down" because
she has had difficulty in the past with "flooding." She recognizes the session is
"augmenting" her current psychotherapy and relates that she has not identified Sally with
this incident previously, although she knew about Sally. "Now 1 know it's Sally, so 1 know
[it's] a matching up of the rnemories with the child who experienced thern and then they can
tell their story of how they felt and express themselves and be validated, so it's been a
different avenue of treatment than many multiples have had, but it's been the safest course
Because she moved a lot during the session, and because she has a background with
both touch and rnovement therapy, 1 ask her how this body-orïented session differs. She
States it is different because feeling hands on her body brought her to recail her past and
caused her to "flip out." Describing her experience in the session, she says: "Keeping
focused on the area [of my body] was very beneficial because whatever area came into
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importance at the t h e , staying focused in that area helped me to stay with whatever was
happening." She experiences her "tendency to flip out" as her "natural body defense" and
believes that the verbal focusing prevented this avoidance from occurring.
She completes the interview by explaining why it was difficult for her to "stay
present" in her body. Apparently when her alters "felt they were experiencing things that
were just too much for them ... they just cut right off of the body." Laura believes Sally's
behaviour in staying present with her body experience was atypical. Laura says: "1 knew
inniitively this would be okay and be safe so 1 let Sally tell you what she needed to Say ...
They are individuals and not just little Lauras ... but it was hard for her, and for me
through her, to stay present [in] ... the body." Laura is surprised that she did not "take a
flight. "
-- .
C..
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Summary
The experiences of the participants indicate that this body-focused therapeutic intervention
was effective in eliciting memories from a body-oriented perspective. The research findings
suggest that when a child sexual abuse survivor is facilitated to recali body-oriented
. memories, she will recall the experience of abuse or some unresolved, related issue. Each
participant generated new experiences from her unique perspective and became quite
process. The experiential sessions revealed that while each woman's process was unique,
comrnon themes emerged. In each case. the dialogue between body parts or areas led to the
identification of body disruptions and psyche-soma linking wherein the body experience
could becorne integrated with thoughts and feelings. Each participant's body-oriented
process led to one or more contacts with a hurt psyche-soma child pan that represented a
previously repressed subpersonality and provided new perspectives on key areas of the
participant's life. The next chapter presents additional fidings from the follow-up
interviews, including the participants' comments about their experience and the cornrnon
imagery process of each participant, drawing on both the experiential session and the
content of two follow-up interviews. Results from the three interviews are presented
together rather than in isolation for three principal reasons: (1) participants' descriptions and
assessrnent of the experience were consistent among al1 of the interviews; (2) the format
better reflected the continuous nature of the quaiities and types of processes involved in
healing; and (3) the format supported the intention of this study which was to detail and
describe the body mind processes that were generated by the experiential session, their
relatedness within each participant's healing process, and the themes that were shared
among them. The notation system will inform the reader which interview is the source of a
given quotation.
process. Thus 1 begin by descnbing the individual sensory-perceptual modalities for entry
to the body experience and the recalling of past trauma. Secondly, 1 describe the various
body disruptions of the participants, including their perceptions and comments as they were
offered to me. Thirdly, for the end or resolution stage, 1 describe how each prnicipant was
able to contact a psyche-soma child part that led her toward integration. Fourthly, I include
the "tools" and other "take-home" matenal that the parficipants outlined. 1 conclude with
the participants' reflections on the approach taken in this research study. Because there is
150
variety in their backgrounds and in their session experiences, and because the follow-up
An important fmding in this study was that each of the five participants made her initial
reflecting her individual orientation. This choice led directly to her experience of sexual
abuse or a closely related psychological issue. As each participant explored her memory
comprehensive exploration.
In the following presentation of the results, 1 will show each participant's entry point
to her memory through her body. In addition 1 will show how this memory led to a
issue. Common themes will emerge, including the disruptive force of puberty for abuse
menopause, and biological ageing, can be sources of upheaval. Puberty, in particular, can
open the floodgates of sexuality, threatening the bamers surrounding earlier suppressed
Mary's memory began kinaesthetically. The entry point of her memory was a body
sensation of her throat tightening or "clenching." Asked to locate this sensation in her past,
she immediately "pictured" herself as a child of six or seven, "hiding and being afraid" in
her bedroom (6ofl). She proceeded to develop this body memory from a predominantly
151
kinaesthetic perspective, describing " heaviness, " "choking, " and "immobilizing" (7- 10of1).
Her memory evolved into a recollection of hiding in dread from her alcoholic father (13-
Sofl), and a recognition that her choking sensation represented her present fear of
unearthing mernories of other abusers: "1 h o w of two incidents where 1 was sexually
molested, and I'm afraid someone more important to me than those two people could have
moiested me" (33ofl). The session continued as an exploration of this unresolved fear of
memory through a visual image of herself at puberty, "like a stick figure" with "awkward"
arms and legs that felt "too long" (3ofl) unable to cope with her body changes especially in
relation to her developing sexuality. She pursued diis image in a more kinaesthetic manner,
for example, feeling "heat" and unwelcome " sexual feelings and messages ... in my
genitals" (6ofl). She identified the sensation of sharne in the front part of her chesr: "It
feels like just by looking at me, everyone can tell what is happening in my body" (6ofl).
Because Gwen lacked any concrete mernory of actual abuse, her memory of the profound
sexual turbulence surrounding puberty forced her to explore body disruptions that probably
occurred earlier and that remained incomprehensible to her. For example, she explored her
fit awareness of "hating"her body, not wishing to have a body, and attempting to "sever"
Wilio's memory was strongly kinaesthetic. She entered her body memory through
sensations in her chest that led her to the joyfui memory of running as a teenager, "the
expansion and compression of my chest when I'm running and breathing and feeling ... my
face and my hair" (5ofl). She said this rnemory stemmed from the years when she was a
152
member of a girls' broomball team, between the ages of eight and fifteen. She linked the
end of this penod with the end of her years of sexual abuse by her father, who replaced her
with a "new girlfiend" when Willo was fifteen. She had the insight that this event
coincided with the abrupt end of her sports participation. her new "drug career," and her
frst awareness of feeling "exposed" and hating her body (8ofl). This was the fint tirne
Willo made this association; in the past, memories of her years between fifteen and
Tmdi's memory was mainly visual. She entered her body memory through a vision
of an X-ray of her hips, locating the image in the hospital during her fust operation at age
eleven, with her brothers, the rest of her family, and the doctors looking at the X-ray. She
felt "very transparent": "1 never see it alone. 1 always see it with a lot of people ... 1 feel
like they know, they can see through it" (8ofl). In the session Trudi continued to draw
paraliels between her experience of sexual abuse and what she now regarded as abuse by the
hospital. Trudi reached a new insight when she realized that her childhood perception of
the hospitd as a safe haven was, in fact, illusory. There was an unmistakable relationship
between the humiliation she spoke about in reference to the hospital and the unspoken
content of her sexual abuse experiences. What spoke most strongly was her image of
ultimately being "just a piece of rneat" (24of2). Trudi recognized that the shame and
embarrassrnent she felt in the hospital was intense because she was entering puberty at the
tirne. In association with the hospital memory, she recalled that she "hated" her body " from
Laura's memory was kinaesthetic. She entered her body mernory through a
sensation of "weight" and "numbness" in her lower back that took her to a memory of being
153
picked up off the floor as a young child by someone with whom she was uncornfortable.
The hi1 memory that followed was a recalling of rape by this man, who was her uncle.
This reconstruction led to an insight about an alter named Saily whom Laura previously had
not "taken seriously." By recognizing Saily's sexual pleasure within the abuse by her uncle.
which Laura had until now denied. she was able ro merge the two child alters. In the
follow-up interviews Laura spoke about being "self-destructive" toward her body in the past
(18of2) and mentioned her new "desire to be comfortable with [her] body" (18ofl). A year
later she had learned how to touch herself in a "loving" way (2908).
During the experiential session, al1 the participants identified either direct betrayal by their
body or fear that their body experience would reveal information they were not ready to
accept, which would amount to betrayal. In the past, they had responded, by creating
various body disruptions to cope with their profound distrust of their body and its
unacceptable feelings. In this study, the disruption took the form of some variety of "split"
between head and body. The reason for this split appears to be related to the survivors'
feelings of physical immobilization within the trauma experience, it is as though the trauma
event is still present in the body. Feeling such entrapment and immobilization is a hallmark
of trauma, related to the condition of total helplessness. Trauma survivors will present this
entrapment in what could be called a "lived metaphor" that expresses the physical intensity
of wanting to take action to escape. Participants in this study employed such a lived
metaphor, often refemng to their legs' urge to run. The body could not leave the situation,
so the mind had to leave the body. The participants referred to this phenornenon when they
154
spoke about severing their head from their body or vice versa. In fact, a11 remaining parts
of the self were compelled to desert the body, which stored the experience. While there
were varying degrees of dissociation its essence involved the flight of the mind from the
body, which remained physically present in its trapped state. The body retained its
sensations and urges, but dissociated from cognitive or emotional understanding of their
meaning. Later these sensations returned and the urges were acted upon mindlessly. It was
remarkable that the participants' "head" articulated this split. With the integration of their
body experience, the participants came to understand how and why the split was helpful in
their past as they attempted to move beyond it in their healing. With therapeutic
intervention the memory of the trauma experience can reintegrate the body and its
activity .
Often a participant's attention was drawn to her throat area. a significant body part
that needs to be recognized as the gateway between the head and the rest of the body. In
order to incorporate the experience of the body in the process of psychotherapy, we need to
be alea to words people choose to describe their experiences and be prepared to understand
and pursue, in both literal and symbolic terms, the meanings and implications of these
words .
During the experiential session, Mary described a "sense of cutting off" that she
associated with "not being able to speak" (5ofl). She explained: "If I'm feeling something
strongly and 1 don't want to, my physical reuction is to cut it off at my throat" (50fl). She
rernembered "hiding and being afraid" (60f 1) and reported it as immobilizing" (1Oofl) .
l'
MW described a headache when the pressure in her throat area became too intense, saying:
155
"The pressure is giving me a headache ... from my elbows down 1 feel totally like they are
on a different body" (120fl). Mary also reponed that she stopped breathing when she felt
fearful (14ofl), anticipating that "someone more important" may have abused her. Mary
was describing a way of coping with diffi~cultfeelings by creating changes in her body.
Looking back on her experiential session, Mary identified her coping strategy: "For me
maybe it's the intellect that cuts off the emotion" (330f2).
Gwen experienced a similar split. but with an additional element: when she felt at a
loss and the head-body separation was not sufficient to help her cope, she sensed an urge to
physically nui to escape the impossible situation. During the experiential session, in the
context of experiencing feelings of extreme humiliation and shame and wanting to cry,
Gwen had a distinct sensation and image of "severing my head from my body ... I can feel
the pressure in my throat .... If I can cut my head from my body, if 1 can separate that,
then it will go away " (7ofl). She explained that "it" meant "the confusion, the feeling
d m , and the feeling ashamed will just a11 go away." She said that she no longer felt like
crying because "then I don? feel my body at all, and that's just fine, it just feels like a
source of pain" (7ofl). At this moment she experienced "agitation in my legs, like wanting
to mn, like wanting to get away " (8ofl). Gwen stated that the time of her memory, when
she was beginning puberty, was the period "when 1 cut off my body, when it started giving
me so much trouble" (8ofl). Her drawing at the end of the session showed a stick figure
with a "big head ... because that was where 1 lived, 1did a lot of ... compulsive reading so
that 1 could get away from what was going on in my ... body and my iife" (220fl). In the
follow-up session Gwen said, "1knew about the split because 1 knew I had ignored it and
my body for most of my life ... 1 didn't know about the difference between the top half of
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Willo explained that "being physical is very important to me. 1 NEED it. 1 need to
feel my body moving" (26ofl). She also needed to feel that it was strong: "that's aIways
been with me, that's part of my legs and my m s " (26ofl). She tafked about her desire to
"get away " : "1 feel 1never have a chance to dream 'cause I've been so busy trying to GET
AWAY" (27ofl). Her memory of running joyfblly as a child, combined with these
statements, suggests that ninning is a lived metaphor for escape or "getting away." A week
later Willo articulated her lived metaphor and explained further: "I'm starting to understand
where a lot of this '1-can't-explain-why-1' m-doing-this ' behaviour is corning from. And the
running. That was rny role [in the family] ... 1 was the ninner" (24-5of2). A year after the
session she had resumed several physical activities that gave her "enormous pleasure" (19-
210f3).
She acknowledged during the experiential session that she was "so good at putting
stuff out of rny head or burying it away ... 1 wouldn't allow myself to think about it, so 1
wouldn't feel this way ... 1 do that a lot. I'm just professional at putting unpleasant things
out of rny mind" (39-40ofl). When 1 asked her where she put these unpleasant things she
replied, "my head" (40ofl). Willo understood that her ability to "bury things ... is almost
reflexive because I've been doing it my whole life ... like secrets ... that's served me well
sometimes" (Uof 1). Evidently Willo knew how effective this coping strategy had been for
her past survival, but she had been "trying to leam how NOT to do this" (41ofl). In the
follow-up session, Willo said she "noticed how out of touch 1 can be with my body from
[the head] down." She was able to make "sense" of her crying episode in yoga class
because she now understood that focusing on her body "was opening this pan of me up and
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even though my brain didn't know what was going on. my body did. and so ... things make
sense" (4ofL). One year later Willo was able to look at herself in retrospect and recognize
that before this therapeutic experience she was "walking around as a head with nothing
Trudi found in the experiential session that it would be helpful for her to "remove"
her head because "sometimes when 1 get headaches 1 fiel like removing my head, setting it
aside" (70ofl). She said she felt "lighter" when her head was "removed. " In the follow-up
interview one year later, Trudi explained that she had been a "compulsive" runner and had
pursued this activity excessively until her body was in chronic pain. In the period between
the interviews, she consulted with an orthopaedic specialist who was coaching her with a
modified, gentler exercise program. "The interesting thing was I needed someone to give
me permission or to tell me to do it right. ... 1 tried going back to it [Le., running] again
but the pain came back, so 1 stayed off it another week and 1 changed my habits. ... 1
started talking about it to my therapist. ... why 1 was mnning. what 1 was running away
from, and lit] probably had a lot to do with the abuse" (18of3). She continued: "1 started
doing some different activities that 1 really enjoyed like cycling. It still hurts my back but it
was much more a liberating feeling, and 1 started walking more ... 1 becarne ... more
aware" (18-9of3). She found her new regime difficult because "anytime 1 feel any kind of
emotion it's like 'gotta run"' (19of3). Trudi demonsrrates the polarities of the trap of
abuse, embodied in her imrnobilization in leg braces or concrete, and the unlimited mobility
and emotional freedom of running mindlessly. Through her increased body awareness,
Trudi gained insight into the way her mnning helped her escape her feelings. Unfortunately
her body could no longer tolerate the degree of abuse to which she had been subjecting it
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and she was therefore forced to look deeper into herself.
Although Tmdi's head-body split was not explored directly in the session or follow-
up interviews, she had a clearer understanding of it one year later. Discussing the use of
touch therapy she said: "1 think it's easy if you haven't been touched. for me anyway. to
crawl back up into my head, find some kind of coping mechanism" (390f3).
Laura's initial memory of being raped as a srnaIl child by her uncle included
feelings of numbness and absolute helplessness. She said: "As soon as he picked me up,
actually 1can't feel a lot .... it's like being at the dentist and they have frozen you but you
still know they are there and they are working but you can't actually feel anything while
they are doing it ... 1 can't do anything about it" (4-5ofl). Her description dernonstrates
how a split was created between her head and body: she remembered the unacceptable
- feelings and sensations in her body, saying she was "bad because 1 enjoy it. ... It feels like
in rny mind 1 didn't want it but rny body made me do it. I couldn't have helped it and I am
angry that my body doesn't listen to my mind because he will keep huaing me as long as I
seem to keep enjoying it" (10ofl). Laura offers a strong example of betrayal by her body
and the necessity of splitting her head and body to protect herself from becoming wholly
"bad." (Perhaps her memory of the helplessness contributed to the way she remembers "1
hate being srnall" (400) and consequently as an adult, instead of running, she chose to
protect herself with food.) In Laura's case the need for the "split" between head and body
was so extreme that it required the creation of multiple personalities. The experiential
session involved the merging of the two personalities that represented her head and body
split -- one who physically enjoyed the sexual abuse and one who rejected or denied the
pleasure. Laura's need not only to "split," but also to isolate the parts to the extent that
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they were unaware of one another indicates the extreme unacceptability of Laura's bodily
pleasure because she could not reconcile it with her abuser's definition of her as "bad."
Without includhg her body experience in her healing process. Laura would not have had
the opportunity to merge this "personality part" who appreciated the body's pleasure with
the other child pans who were abused. 1 would suggest that this particular kind of end
result c m only occur within a therapeutic context in which the body experience is fully
explored.
6.1.3. Bodv Parts in Dialogue. Pmche-Soma Linkin~,Intenatinp the Hurt Child, and
For al1 the sîudy participants, integration was achieved when they contacted one core child
experience that provided a psyche-soma link joining the intellect and feelings to the body
of significant areas or kinaesthetic qualities of the body, usually Ieading to dialogue between
them. Specific parts of the body, such as the heart and the belly, are involved. The
integration of the child or psyche aspect unfolds within the process of psyche-soma linking.
(For further details of this process, please see Chapter 3.) The core child experience has a
special relation to the body that may or may not be shared by other "child parts."
Communication with the psyche-soma child part usually evolves into the discovery of a
healing image or symbol. In the case where this evolution is incomplete or the achievement
of a healing resolution is not yet possible, the healing process has progressed to a point .
where the validity of the participant's defenses c m be acknowledged and it is clear that she
For Mary the rnost powefil aspect of the session was her ability to access her
"inner child" for the first thne. This awareness of her child part occurred afier she allowed
herself to focus and stay present with the sensations in her body. She noticed a heaviness in
her chest that felt Iike choking and identified it as a "Glob," that was "snick" in her throat.
Her experience moved into a dialogue between her throat and the obstruction she felt there
(the Glob). Her throat said it did not want the Glob to pass through and that it was "angry
at something outside of me" (3 lofl). The Glob, which appeared to be a sarcastic griming
cartoon character. would not interact in the dialogue with her throat. although in the process
of witnessing the throat's comments, its sarcasm diminished and it stopped grinning. Mary
was feamil that if the Glob were to speak, she would experience pain. When she followed
this pain, she found a headache that tumed into a recognition of a "little kid inside of me"
(38ofl) and so was able to meet her fear that "it's going to be too painful" (38ofl) and
progress beyond this defensive reaction. By contacting the related thoughts and feelings,
she was also able to explore and then articulate the part of her that was fearlkl, the "hurt"
child.
Mary's body served as a vehicle for shifts in awareness that led to the discovery and
integration of separated parts of herself. Mary believed she shifted from an intellectual
awareness of an inner child to a "physical experience" and a lasting, "very visual" memory
In the follow-up interview one week later, Mary was able to describe her process of
integration: "1think f i s t I was feeling things physically, and it was hard for me to know
what was behind that feeling. 1 remember feeling a sauggle trying to, when we were
talking about the Glob in my throat. It was pretty easy to Say 1 felt something right here
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[painting to her chest]. pushing down on me. It was more difficult to [feel] below that and
where thar was coming frorn" (350f2). This integration came about because Mary was abIe
to understand that when she cut off her body experience she cut off her emotions. and that
al1 this was organized by her intellect. Initially, Mary found it difficult ro dialogue with the
Glob; however, this focusing on the physical feeling evenntally brought her to her emotions
"in a very smooth, non-intrusive way " (320fZ). She explained: " 1 was thinking of my
bodily reaction, my physical reaction of cutting off my emotions, but maybe that's rny
intellect telling me to cut it off, 1 don? know, there was more of a flow through my body 1
think, more of an openness to feel, 1 guess because 1 was focusing, 1 took the t h e to focus
One year later, Mary had internalized the dialogue process with her body: "1 believe
that my body will let me know and I believe that's been significant in helping rny healing.
because instead of ... always thinking well who was it, who was it, 1 HAVE to find out,
I've just allowed whatever needs to happen to happen, instead of whatever 1 rhink should
happen ... 1 used to think there was a PATH of healing, like this is what you do and then
During the experiential session, Mary made her way through many layers of
resistance before reaching her healing image of integrating with her child part, which she
finally identified as a "picture" of herself holding the little girl. Her resistance involved
contacting 1) the "adult critic," who told her she did not "know enough" about taking care
of a child, that the child was "needy," that she was guilty because she had not noticed the
child before; and 2) the "inadequate adult" who felt vulnerable and incapable or not ready to
take care of the child. Picturing herself in the future, Mary had a sense of her body feeling
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Iight and energetic and breathing naturally. She felt as if her child part had joined with her
adult self: "like it's MY body, it's Like this BIG body, but it's like the little girl skipping"
(%of 1).
One week after the experiential session, she said: "1 think that picture of me holding
that little child, 1 think that would be the key symbol ... what the whole thing was about
was that little child and ... the relationship between the liale child and the adult. 1 would
Gwen contacted her twelve-year-old child part, who was troubled by her emerging
sexuality and unable to trust or enjoy her body. Within the session she recognized two
disparate parts of herself: a light "heart pan" in her chest area that feIt exhilaration and
warmth like the Sun and represented both the present and her "optimistic" hope for the
future, and a "heavy dark part" like a "cast iron pot" in her belly, protecting her genital
area, "the vulnerable parts, the parts that were hurt, representing her past (16-8ofl). In
l1
the midst of dialoguing her two body parts, she interrupted herself and said, "This is really
a Stream of consciousnessl' (18ofl). She recognized that her head was not directing the
successful dialogue between her two separated parts. This was exceptional for Gwen
Gwen's symbol unfolded as she irnagined "the rays [of the light part] strearning
down rny hands and my torso into my belly. ... The image that 1saw was the heavy dark
part becoming thinner, like when a pot starts to rust and flake off, and eventually get holes
in it ... getting thinner and lighter and [getting a] see-through lacy pattern" (19ofl). Gwen
noticed the "dark part" no longer objected, and she believed this pan of her "knew" it was
no longer functional or necessary. Gwen also noticed that she "can be centred without
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being weighed down" by this dark part. The remaining fragment of the dark part told her
that it "needs me to pay attention to it, to acknowledge its existence, and it needs to be
reassured that it truly isn't ignored al1 the time" (200fl). Clearly this fragment represented
the child part of Gwen that was expressing what she needed in order to heal. Shortly after
understanding this Gwen said: "It doesn't seem like a head thing, more like a body
comection of one pan of the body to the other part of the body" (21ofl). With rny
encouragement to refocus on her body awareness, Gwen successfully made use of her body
experience to create bridges between her intellect and emotions. In the interview one year
later, Gwen reflected that the images she was able to discover through focusing on her body
"split." She articulated embodiment of self through images that integrated her body and
psyche.
For some people like Gwen, the lack of concrete. tangible mernories of child sexual
abuse creates an obstacle to their integration because they have difficulty validating their
intuitive knowledge. Although Gwen had no "concrete mernories of ... darnage, " a week
later she said that the knowledge of the separation she experienced between her heart and
belly "validated for me the darnage that was done" (20f2). In this follow-up interview, she
also discussed at length several possible sources for validation of her perception that she
was abused induding: 1) her father's confirmation that before age five she was placed in the
care of her grandfather who she believed abused her; 2) her gynaecological problems that
were shared by her mother; 3) her continuing problems with sexual arousal even though she
was in a stable relationship with a caring man; 4) her automatic tendency to be afraid of
men; 5) her continuing tendency to employ words as a way of avoiding her physicality; 6)
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her drearns of abuse by an old man; 7) her recurring visualization of a knife whenever she
tried to meditate; 8) her tendency to "want to run" when she was "upset"; 9) her "chronic
made some connections that contribute to the validation of a stronger likelihood of very
early and forgotten childhood trauma. 1 noticed that Gwen was now better able to see her
difficulties in perspective, to validate herself, and to find strength by believing in her own
reasoning .
In the context of discussing her upcoming hysterectomy, Gwen said her discovery of
the image of blackness in her abdomen "made me wonder again about the long-term
consequences of my abuse" (4ofL). Once again Gwen was finding validation for her
difficulties. Gwen and 1 did not discuss directly the similarity between her image of her
.
"belly" as a "heavy black, solid cast iron pot" (18ofl) and the large round benign tumour
in her uterus.
Previously Gwen relied on her intellect almost excIusively for information and
understanding. This reliance has made it frustrating for her to comprehend psyche-soma
disturbances because she had never had "knowledge-type mernories." In the interview one
year later, Gwen articulated a readiness to respond to messages from her body, "whether
it's feeling sensations or having images corne up from nowhere," and she was now "paying
attention to those images radier than ignoring them, knowing that there are other ways of
knowing that are not cognitive" (17of3). When Gwen paid attention to these images and
sensations, she felt "more present [but] it's still a struggle" (18of3).
WUo's chiid part was predorninant in her memory and in her integration process.
Her initial memory as a child running exuberantly was similar to her final healing image,
165
floating in the ocean. In the future she imagined herself "floating in the ocean ... [in]
absolute bliss .... It's very similar to running on the ice where you breathe deeply and your
face feels the sensation of coolness and wind" (50-2ofl). She explained that the ocean and
the ice rink both involve water and their effects on her body were "very sirni1a.r."
Willo was able to discover this conjunction because previously she had recognized a
division in herself based on her identification of two contrasting feelings in her body: "One
is I feeI Iike I'm trying to hold things in and I feel a rush of anger and what 1 want to do is
a dance, it's a natural rhythm for me, exercising, and needing to breathe, it's smooth where
the other is clenching" (l60fl). Evidently she had a sense of the " fluid" part of her as
essential ("a natural rhythm for me"), and appeared to know she needed to engage in the
process of releasing or freeing this part. Her choice of words in descnbing the "fluid,"
dance-like part indicated its clear relation both to her freely ruming child part and to her
future self floating in the ocean. She located the clenching and compression in her chest
area "where 1 hold everything in" (30ofl), describing the pain in her chest as a flat, closed.
dark area that she eventually saw as a "big, dark, scary door with teeth" (30ofl). She
visualized herself standing on the threshold: "1 hold the doorknob and I can't go back, but I
can't bring myself to go in. I open the door a linle bit and everything just cornes flooding
out. 1 just tum into this mess, I can't function" (3lofl). She explained the "mess" behind
the door was threatening the person who was holding on, saying she had no choice and that
she needed "to know that I can have some safe quality time off ... and get a CHUNK of
this pain out" (36ofl). Immediately making a natural association between the needy "mess"
and her child part, she started to cry as she recalled her memory of running as a child and
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feeling "great" in her body and self. She said the tears were sadness "because 1 was doing
something great for the littie kid and I'm not supposed to, 1 don? deserve" (37ofl).
One year later Willo realized "I've let my body have an opportunity to make itseif
known. and there's no going backwards. and that's the biggest impact [of the session].
w h e n ] 1 came to talk to you, the door was opened and 1 can't shut it ... and it's been
really Iike the metamorphosis has occurred" (90ç3). A week after the session Willo
understood how openhg the door and letting out the "mess"khild part has been Iike a
"birth." She said it " was very awakening ... an explosion ... like a birth" (470E). She
continued: "More than three quarters of me that 1 have been ignoring [is] mine again. . ..
That's what exploded [and] that's what is going to get me to the end. It's not just what 1
remember. It's not just what 1 talk about. It's how if 1 allow my body to help my mind.
... And the two together are going to heal much faster. ... And then the spirirual side is
going to be able to have a chance. Because until 1 get the head and the body together. my
spirit which 1 remember talking to you about, how 1 felt Iike it was sort of in al1 these little
pockets al1 over me - where I put things and store things. And 1 think that when 1 make the
connection, the parts of my spirit, al1 these Little pockers where things have been stored are
going to come together" (48ofî). Willo spoke about spiriniality as the direction for her
heaiing. She said: "1 feel that that will be rny next phase, because 1 continue to deal with
my head and emotions and the body is now part of it as well, and to me the next stage is
Willo associated her new ability to listen to her body with her previous'capacity to
cope with her father's sexual abuse. and understood how this harrnful coping strategy had
generalized to influence her life negatively. "My whole experience with my father has
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always been about rny mind being able to convol what happened to my body, and [control]
the mernories and the thoughts ... 1 can never go back to that, and 1donTtwant to, either"
(90f3).
Willo made a comection between her "explosion" or "birth" and the image that
emerged when she drew her picnire at the end of the session. She said when she drew the
picture she "really didn't think about what 1 was going to do ... 1 just DID it" (470fL). She
was particularly surprised at the way the colours were "graduated ... like an explosion out"
(470fZ). She recalled explainhg to me that the picture was "ME, and she reinforced that
"
the "awakening ... explosion ... birth" depicted in her picture was a me capturing of what
"this has been like ... this body experience" (470fL). Willo visibly enjoyed looking at the
Willo's favourite metaphor for the session was the "open eight" in her drawing. She
explained: "My favourite number used to be eight, and in this drawing, coming out from
the red were al1 these sort-of open-ended eights. ... 1 definitely did it in a graded basis ...
and the opening is to me ... real physical, because 1 think my mind has been opened"
(S30f2).
Trudi articulated clearly her ambivalence about her healing process. She said: "It is
almost like 1 want to go there but 1 don't want to go there when I'm there" (30fZ). She
admitted "there is a real resistance with me ... not really wanting to do any work ... letting
the other person take it away" (400). She said part of her wanted her pain ro go away, but
only if someone else would "take it away" for her. Although her ambivalence prevented
her from reaching a full integration of her "hurt" child part, she was able to gain insights.
Most important, her "higher self" was clear about the need to write her story from the
perspective of herself as a child.
hospital. Throughout the session she remained comected to this child part. For exarnple.
when she looked at the drawing she made at the end of the session she said: "My eyes are
drawn to this little character, it is very pathetic looking ... What is important for me ... [is
that] some of the images that came up around some of the physical things that happened to
me [Le., the operations] ... made me start thinking about what happened at that time and
Tmdi gained some insights into the parallels between the sexual and emotional abuse
she expenenced in her home and what she recognized as abuse in the hospital environment.
"It was very humiliating in the hospital, it wasn't a positive experience to choose that over
going home" (l50fZ). She said, for exarnple: "You are on this striker bed with this sheet
over you ... and the doctor cornes in and lifts it up, and you are just a piece of meat, that is
One of the images that promoted her awareness of this parallel was of herself
"totally locked in concrete" (16ofl) while someone had "a hold" on her body at the same
tirne that she had an urge to "strangle" her brothers. Her avoidance made it necessary for
her to transition this kinaesthetic body memory to a picture of herself on the striker bed.
This " flipping" from the kinaesthetic quality of immobilization in concrete to the real
mernories of feeling invisible and objectified in the hospital initiated a dialogue between
differing body experiences. This dialogue suggested her profound ability to defend against
the associated thoughts and feelings of her experiences of sexual abuse by her brothers.
Another image that developed near the end of the experiential session and evolved only to a
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certain point was that of her head as an exploding watermelon run over by a "stearn roller"
(66-7of1). "It is easy if you just imagine pieces everywhere and you could just see al1 the
content, just everywhere, see al1 the little parts of it" (69-70ofl). This image as a final
symbol suggested an association between her inability to tell her story and her longing for a
thorough exposing of her entire being. The arnount of violent external force necessary for
the exposure of her "contents" was likely a representation of her extreme resistance and her
expectation that she would need an external agent in order to open further. Her exposure
Tmdi recognized the inhibiting degree of fear she had toward her family, but was
able to contact a wise part of herself that would provide her with some positive, helpful
suggestions, including writing her story from a child's perspective. She cornrnented: "1
could write about the experience of what it felt like to have them [Le.. the metal pins and
rods] put in, what it feels like now ... because I never really told my story to anybody" (65-
6ofl). This image of what she called her "higher self" provided Tmdi with one potential
approach to integration.
Because Laura had experienced touch and body therapy extensively, she was
receptive to focusing on her body experience. Within the session she readily identified
several significant body areas and was able to sequence arnong them easily, moving from
one to the other and dialoguing arnong them. Her memory began in her lower back and
proceeded eventually to a dialogue between her lower back and a lump in her lower back
that she called the "gatekeeper." She came to this central dialogue after a preliminary
process of dialoguing among her back. chest, neck, and head. Following her body
sensations thcough these various areas she was able to map her pain until she recognized
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that when she had a " headache" the pain in her lower back disappeared and she felt safe.
Communication with one of her alters narned Sally became possible at this point because
Sally felt safe and noticed that her body "feels becter. feels no more bad ... aches go"
(16ofl).
Her memory of herself as a young child being raped by her uncle led her toward
integration with this isolated psyche-soma child part named Sally, who enjoyed the pleasure
aspect of her sexual abuse. Through the process of this therapeutic dialogue Laura "brought
Sally [Le., alter] to a different level .... We had always been holding inside ... the feelings
we had around feeling good ... as far as anytiing pleasurable to do with the sex act. there
was something wrong with us .... It was good that the child part brought that out ... and
things happened quite profoundly because of that. in that Sally became an integrated part or
a merged part with another three-year-old child and several other children have joined, they
A year later she explained that her body memory helped her to contact the emotional
and intellecnial parts surrounding her sexual abuse experience: "It's less of a reconstructing
of the memory and more of a getting in touch with thoughts and feelings that were greatly
attached, creating the dynamic inside" (4900). She said that in the past she would have
"dissociated" but in this session, she said, "we didn't dissociate, like you kept us present
and 'sou1 light' [the name she gives her higher wisdom] was holding SaIly's hand, sort of in
Laura's healing image was "this pi*, sort of like a warm ooze, kind of sliding
through all the areas that were hurt before" (18ofl). The message from the pink ooze was:
"1 was created by you and my job is to love you and heal you ... feeling a nice warm
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feeling in the pelvis al1 that area that was tom before feels very warm and actually safe"
(19of1). Later, L a m drew the pink as a blanket sumounding her "children. " She
described the pink as "the blanket of love 1 really try to give the parts of me that have been
created to Save my life and allow me to survive" (32ofl). Surrounding the pink blanket is
"the future ... a very pastel healing layer." She used blue for the children. later realizing
that this colour corresponded to the blue "very peaceful place" on the outside which was
Without exception al1 of the participants found new self-care strategies and tools that
enhanced the quality of their day-to-day life. The shift in consciousness that resulted from
integration with their body experience affected many aspects of their life. Through this
greater understanding and awareness they were able to manage such events as flashbacks
Mary had learned that my technique of inviting the body to dialogue with other parts
of herself could be helpful when she was on her own, particularly when she was
expenencing flashbacks. In a sense the technique of dialoguing and staying present with her
body experience gave her a way of taking care of her scared little girl part and moving
beyond her fear. "1think most of it was just realizing that 1 can be safe for myself and I
can direct, because 1 remember you saying things like -- well ask your body what it's
feeling, or, if you're afraid. why are you afraid -- and I've done that since then. In non-
therapy situations I've had flashbacks and I've said to myself, well it's okay because this
isn't then, this is now and what can 1 learn from it .... So 1just use those techniques to
calrn myself and Say well I'm not a child right now, I'm an adult, it's 1994. I'rn in my
house, I'm in my bedroom, and then ask myself those questions, which is something that 1
would never have thought of douig before ... 1 think the session prompted that. just because
it was something 1 hadn't experienced. and then to have you suggesr that and then to use it
later on has been helpful ... and to realize that 1 can be in control of what is happening" f 8-
90f3).
What was important is that Mary leamed access to a method that allowed her to feel
that she could be in control of her Me. Rather than experiencing external control (e-g.,
sexual abuse), Mary internalized the locus of control. We can regard this as the
Mary also learned that she could control what happened to her when she remembered
past trauma. In the discussion one year later, Mary remarked that she realized she could
now be "more in control of what is happening" when feelings or mernories came up (900)
in part because she could ask herseif some of the types of questions 1 asked her during the
experiential session. Apparently, inviting herself to dialogue with her experience gave
Mary the oppominity to explore her feelings rather than being stuck in the traumatic
memory.
In the interview one week later, Mary reflected that during the experiential session
she took "the time to focus on what my body was feeling." She continued: "In day-to-day
life ... 1 don? do it, 1 go through the day and do everything I'm supposed to do and then
fa11 into bed at night and think oh my goodness my shoulders are so tight or whatever ..."
(33-35of2). 1 believe Mary, in this instance, was describing her process of becoming
conscious of how to listen to her body. In the interview one year later, Mary codirmed
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this new -ability. She said that as a result of the experiential session. she was more aware of
her body in day-to-day living. "1 don? know why, specifically what triggered it, but I've
been more aware of what is going on in my body, and 1guess just questioning ...
consciously thinking about it [as in asking] am 1 feeling tired? or are my shoulders tensed
right now? I'm not sure exactly why it came out of this session, but that's what I connecr it
to. Again it could be the sarne things, just you asking me, well what is your body saying?"
(100i3).
In the interview one year later, it was evident that Mary had reached a place in her
healing process where she intuitively trusted herseif. She realigned her expectations of
herself based on the new awareness that her "body will let me know " (2Oof3).
Gwen felt her body informed her about her "need for protection" (5of2). In the first
of two interviews, she explained that past attempts at healing meditations were not
successful, her body would "react" with "terror" to the images of penetration by snakes that
came up. She explained her head told her body to "relax, it's not happening now, breathe
in, you'll be okay," but her body was "reacting to these images and it left me feeling out of
control" (7of2). The experiential session provided her with a method of including her body
experience in a safe way: "The experience here was like my body almost saying 'we don't
want to go through that again, so this is what you need to protect yourself" (70f2). Gwen
knew she felt safe in the session because, as she stated, when she does not feei safe
"nothing will happen because] I learned very early, obviously, how to protect myself ... to
One year later, Gwen's experience of dissociation became better defined and
understood through her body knowledge. Gwen was more consciously using information
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from her body to stay in the present and take care of herself in response to social situations.
Gwen said she knew when she dissociated because "it's a feeling that my body is wooden.
it's wallcing and taiking and moving and I'rn sure I'm being appropriate ... but I'm not there
... I'm back here somewhere, and there's a heaviness to it, 1 guess that's the sensation.
there is a ... doom-like feeling" (19of3). "1 leamed to dissociate when 1 was very young
and 1think it had to do with protection. ... I now know that 1 dissociate when 1 am feeling
unsafe" (l90f3).
Gwen's had an increased awareness of her body. "1 don? focus on my body very
often, even now, so that was instructive in itself. ... When 1 do relaxation at home 1 am
always surprised at how tense 1am because 1don? feel [that way] when 1am ruming
through my day. So that was important" (20tZ). Gwen admitted she was "more
cornfortable with the imagery than ... with the body part because the imagery is in my head
and it's still a problem to be in my body and in touch with it." Gwen's body awareness
rerninded her that her healing was incomplete; however, this awareness was valuable in
Gwen found that her body was now able to help her expenence "feelings that are
chronically there. " She continued: "1 think I mentioned ... the feeling of sadness [during
the session]. ... Since then 1 think about that sadness and 1 focus on it and 1 can feel it. ...
And 1 want to know why it's there and what 1 can do about it. That seems so
counterproductive because 1 think that's the whole issue around rny body once again, some
of this stuff just has to be, it's not controllable, and 1feel like 1 can control what 1do in my
head so that's part of it as well, not knowing what 1 should do with this ùiformation"
(308). For Gwen it was easier to be in her head because her head could control her
feelings and body. When she focused on her body. she felt sad and had difficulty
Gwen explained that having no body was "a way of Iife" : "Numbness to me means
that there is some consciousness of the numbness. [In my experience] it's not numbness in
that sense, it's that the body isn't there, the body is not experîenced except as an entity that
carries the head around" (200fS). She continued: "Since my defense when 1 was a kid was
to be unconscious sornatically, it's a pattern, a way of life that's hard to work through, hard
to stop doing" (200f2). Gwen's consciousness shified dramatically from when she began
therapy: "When 1 came into therapy I had no body and I had no feelings, I only had rny
intellect" (80f2).
A year later, Gwen was better able to separate her past from her present and to
experience bodily pleasure. She repeated that the body-oriented session has helped her to
"separate ... what belongs to the present and what belongs to the past. .... 1 am listening
much more to my body, and then being able to introspect about what this means and then
the up side of that is being much more present and much more able to take in bodily
Gwen was more cornfortable with her sexuality and less afraid of men. In the past,
she explained she habitually associated sex with shame and pain, and "hated sema1 feelings,
feeling my body again out of control and 1 couldn't do anything about that." She continued:
"Sex is always going to be a problem, not in the way that it was in the past because it's not
like that any more, thank God, but it's still a problem .... The getting started ... still seems
to be associated with shame. Once that's past, then everything else is okay and 1 don't feel
asharned any more afterwards, so actually it feels quite wonderful. When I'm having sex 1
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feel like I'm in my body, whereas 1 didn't used to feel that. 1 used to feel Iike 1 was trying
my best to get out of my body as fast as possible. So that part has changed tremendously.
.... 1think I'm more cornfortable with myself as a sexual being than 1 used to be and I'rn
Gwen also leanied to recognize the difference benveen physical and sexual touch and
articulated her need for non-sexual touch: "I'm really recognizing how much 1 need that and
recognizing there is a difference between physical and sexual touch, which is really good"
(90f3). Gwen was also "so much more comfonable around women ... that's really a big
change for me" (1 lof3). However, she was aware that "men sexualize things, and so I'm
In the follow-up interview to the experiential session Willo stated that she realized
that Listening to her body was "like a new tool. It's Like something that is going to help me,
and yet I OWN it too. It's like somebody can't take it from me ... it's very liberating"
(5Sof2).
It surprised her to discover that "feeling stronger and ernpowered and more in touch
with [her] body" encouraged her to recognize the potential she gained to "get inside" and
"discover" the meaning of her bodily sensations. She called her new comection with her
One year later, Willo was "a little concemed" that she might lose her newly found
psyche-soma comection. She explained: "1 still separate, [my body] is distinct, it was a
nothing and now it's an it, and one day it will be a we" (6ofi). She realized the importance
of continuing to trust ber body experience as a major contributor to her healing process.
Willo believed this new comection was responsible for the changes that she was now
177
able to make. In the experiential session she articulated her goal of changing her "self-
destructive" activities. In the intervening year she found she had "altered a lot of things" in
her life that she did not anticipate being able co change. Her new sensitivity to smell gave
her messages about taking care of herself and lirniting harmful lifestyle choices. Lisrening
to her body and making healthy choices represented the achievement of an important
As well, Willo became more aware of her body in day-to-day life and was no Longer
able to ignore her body experience. "The most startling part for me ... [is that] it sneaks up
on me ... the part of my body going ahah you don't think I'm here, let me show you
something . .. There won't be an event. there won't be a crisis, it'll be rny body going PAY
ATTENTION" (40f3).
In the same interview, Willo reflected on her d m g addictions, observing that in the
past she could be under the influence of dmgs but "never lost control of my body ... 1 was
always able to talk my body into behaving, 1 can't do that now, 1 have to listen to my body,
my body is [saying], you can't eat that, you can't smoke that" (80fl).
Willo had also discovered that it was possible to take pleasure in her body and in
sexual activity. One week after the session. Willo made a comection between allowing
herself "to ENJOY the feelings of my body" and the "prornishg" possibility that she might
enjoy sexual activity. "If 1 can allow myself lhis khd of pleasure why not other kinds of
pleasure" (310f2). One year later, Willo said she was "allowing myself to feel pleasure in
my body, like taking a compliment and not apologizing ... or qualifying everything" (18-
90f3). She resumed a number of physical activities including cross-country skiing, dancing
and other activities from her past "that gave me enormous pleasure" (19-21of3). She
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remarked that this resurgence came about since the session and it's " al1 new since drawing
that picnire" (2lofi). She described dancing with her husband as "just wonderful. just
moving ... and L'm dancing with Andrew the way 1 would dance when I'rn by myself"
(21oD). Willo said that in the past there "was never any pleasure or any feeling" in sexual
activity for her. "Pleasure had nothing to do with it ... it was always a m done on me. or
me perfonning" (3200). In the interview one year later, she said she was now able to tel1
her partner when she was "uncornfortable." She felt that she used to be the one in control
during sex. "I'rn only beginning to learn not to have control and to trust a person enough
Willo had mentioned in the earlier follow-up interview that she had not "had sex
straight in year and years Decause] the only way that 1 have been able to enjoy feeling and
touching in the sexual context has been when I'm out of it." At the time of the one-week
interview, however, she was imagining that it would be "liberating" to be sober while
having sex. She said: "1 still have a strong association with BAD and pleasure ... so 1 have
to be out of it to enjoy it" (27ofZ). One year later she had continued to work with the
experience of shame in her body and believed that she was "learning" not to "feel dirty if 1
touch myself in a way that is pleasurable. I still do feel that yilt. if it feels GOOD it's
BAD" (330f3).
Willo learned to Pace herself and have faith in herself and her healing process,
stating that she "had the door shut for so long and now 1feel like I'm SHINING, like 1
really do feel ... like 1 know I need to corne more to a centre and a balance, and 1will, 1
can't push it and rush it" (130fJ). Later in the interview she continued: "1cry ... but it's
al1 worth it, there have been so many times I've wanted to w a k away from it ... just
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because it's too overwhelming or it's too scary or 1 donTtknow if 1 can handle this or I'rn
alienating myself from people, and 1 have for short periods. But if 1 get through it, if 1 can
walk through it, I'm alwuys better for it .... It's [faith] and faith is something 1 realize now
1 never had ... not in myself and ... not really in anybody" (15of3).
Willo was clearer about the direction of her healing process. The "metamorphosis"
she experienced in the experiential session one year earlier encouraged her to "stay open
and not close the door." She said: "1can be scared or 1can go and bawl my head off and
that's okay, but 1 know the direction I'm heading in" (90B). Looking at her drawing of
this "birth" Willo said: "This body experience ... is what's going to get me to the end. It's
not just what I remernber. it's not just what I taik about. It's how if 1 allow my body to
help my mind. And as 1 become physical and get in touch with my body, it's going to
bring other things to my mind. ... And the two together are going to HEAL that much
faster. ... And then the spiritual side is going to have a chance. ... This is what I feel has
been so important, is that my whole body has been given back to me" (48of2).
Willo gained insight and confidence in her ability to raise children, stating that
initially she sought psychotherapy because she wanted to heIp them. She said: "1 knew 1
had to do something about the thoughts and the fears because 1 didn't want to transfer this
... will directly hit my children, and their children's children, without my even saying
anything about [the abuse]" (llof3). She continued: "1 think that as 1get better, they get
Trudi realized the experiential session helped her to notice how much she resisted
letting her feelings surface. She reported that she thought about the session when she was
180
at home and recognized to what extent she was able to diminish and rationalize her feelings.
As a result of the session, Trudi was more aware of "sad" feelings when they came up for
her, but she said, "it is easy for me to just put it away and focus on someone else. " She
Tmdi was interested in bowing more about her physical ailments because she had a
clearer understanding of their multidimensional nature. One week after the experiential
session, she went to the hospital to retrieve some of her medical records "because no one
really told me what was going on, they just operated" (2108). As a result of the session,
she felt "really drawn" «, geaing her hospital records, but in the same breath said she had
not been sure what that would -accomplish. Apparently she also obtained her psychiatric
In the one-year interview Trudi told me she showed the X-rays to her
psychotherapist, as well as "some friends. " She comrnented on the "strange" quality of this
experience, feeling "exposed" but realizing that "other people don? see it that way " (608).
We can interpret this activity as demonstrating a new ability to be more in control of her X-
ray image, and metaphorically, of her body. In addition Trudi felt confident enough to
She aIso found a new family doctor who was trying to help her explore the cause of
her joint problems and their possible relationship to trauma. The doctor told her other kinds
of trauma may have caused her physical probiems, but not sexual abuse. Trudi reported
that she ended the discussion after she answered "Yes" to his question about whether she
had been abused because she "felt realIy embarrassed" (80f3). She was pointedly asking for
validation from an outside "authority" while at the same time resisting the potential evidence
181
of her body. On the other hand, some degree of progress was demonstrated by her ability
to explore her physical ailrnents in relation to other dimensions, although she was unlikely
In the one-year interview, Trudi explained that she was more aware of her body: "1
am more aware of my body, at least more aware of when it hurts, ... I couId easily just
keep on going [Le., runniRgJ with the pain and ignoring it, and now 1 think I'm much more
sensitive to the pain" (17of3). Her increased body awareness gave her a sense of "getting
Laura leamed that she can stay present in her body without a therapist'ô touch to
focus her. Previously, touch therapy was the only body-fccused therapy she had
experienced, and she appreciated my ability to keep the focus on areas of pain and
discomfort without touching her body. "It was done very gently and without touch, that
was significant for me because 1 realized 1could stay focused without somebody's physical
connection" (40f2). Thus Laura was aware that focusing on her body in this marner
allowed her to stay in the present and prevented her from dissociating. At die same t h e
she gained a new tool and accomplished a centrai therapeutic goal because she was able to
make a choice: she could choose to use this way of relating to herself and could integrate
Laura was enabled to understand that she now had the tools to help herself without
During the next year, Laura was able to use this body-focused method as a tool for
her own healing. She stated in the final interview: "The information that came forward
during that session was really important. It gave us a way of getting to things on Our own
without somebody facilitating. ... It gave us a sort of a language to talk to the area, and I've
used it in a lot in different ways" (20f3). Evidently Laura has adopted rny method,
cornmunicating with her body by focusing on it and dialoguing. She stated: "It [i.e., my
method] certainly got it far enough dong that we could quite comfonably complete it on Our
own, and thar's the difference between this kind of body-oriented psychotherapy and the
Laura leamed to look deeper into parts of herself. Before the session she was aware
of Sally. A year later, Laura explained that at the tirne of the session, she experienced and
judged Sally as a frivolous part of herself. Laura stated: "Sally had always prior to that
really thought of Sally as expenencing much or having a Lot of deep feelings about some of
the things that happened ... so when we accessed her going into this deep space, it let us see
that you need to look for much deeper aspects to many of Our parts, it gave us a different
speak up about their criticisms or negative feelings toward her body resulting from the
sexual abuse. Laura was more aware of the "container" of other parts that needed to speak
to their healing at a deeper level. She stated: "There was a real awareness that there was
quite a container of other parts and that actually she [Sally], Our session with you really
tiggered forth a lot of other parts that had things to Say, so it wasn't a bad triggering, but
183
what it did do was open a lot and make space for healing at a much deeper level" @OB).
"It allowed the children, some of the other children inside, to speak up about how they felt
about their bodies or how they felt about a lot of things, and it opened up to a deeper layer
of individuals who felt really badly about their body, who were made to feel badly during
the abuse, not for enjoying and not for being pleasure or pleasurable but ... lacking in a lot
of ways, or a lot of messages came forward that we're still working on" (608). Laura
expressed concern that she avoid abusing power within the hierarchy she experiences within
herself. She tallced about the parts or personalities within herself as residing in a type of
"invented democracy." She described having "an aerial view" that "doesn't feel like it's an
individual, it feels like it's a higher wisdom" (470f3). This new body awareness created a
changed relationship with Laura's self and her body. She stated that her ability to love and
care for her body increased as a result of the session. In the past year, she said, "we've
been a M e more loving without pain than we had been, I guess knowing or having an
awareness, we never thought about where Our parts of Our body, our children parts, were in
Our body, but in accessing that area and knowing they were contained there, and there's
some contained parts here [points to shoulder], so now what we do is we touch, we touch
[shows me how] the body with a Iittle more love, like when it hurts a lot" (29of3).
Laura developed a new relationship to the pain she felt in her body. During the one-
year follow-up interview, she stated: "The pain is not my enemy any more ... my body is
not forsaking me, in that respect. I don? know how much that has to do with this, or just a
new realization that we have to Pace ourselves, nurture ourselves, and part of that nurturing
is the acceptance that the pain we're experiencing is messages that we're receiving, and that
Our body is the holder of messages, the station, and we can tune in when we need to.. ."
184
(590f3). and " ... we listen differently to our body, if we' re tired we rest. we didn' t always
do that.. ." (63of3). She qualified these statements, however, when she stated that there
were still times when she dissociated from the pain. She felt this was a healthy dissociation
because if she picked up on everything that triggered her she would be in "massively bad
shape" (64uf3) -- "so we have to pick and choose what, and if it's something that's really
"Body feelings were classed as bad right off the bat ... if we ever displayed any
enjoyment in any way, and this came through a number of different ages of children, with
different abusers, then we were really made to feel like we were bad somehow" (330f3).
Frorn the comments of the participants, the most effective qualities of my approach emerge.
In the two follow-up interviews, the participants self-selected aspects of their experience
with me that proved beneficial for them. providing reasons whenever possible. These
features are as follows: 1) A process not dominated by the intellect facilitates integration; 2)
The session facilitates rnemory recall and retrieval of images that would not have happened
intemalization of the therapist's trust in the process is helpful; 5) A self-directed Pace allows
full processing of the material as it emerges and avoids "flooding" and dissociation; 6) The
meaning in their own words. We can apply "taik therapy" to any purely verbal approach
and "hands-on" or "touch therapy" to an approach that involves the use of physical touch by
the therapist as the primary intervention. The participants' discussion underlines the
usefulness of my choice of terms in the phrases " self-generated" and "body-focused, " as
Mary reported: "My thought process was not directing my body movement. it was avare of
my body movement, and it was like this little commentary on it, but 1didn't think first and
then react. I reacted or remembered and then 1 thought about what was happening and
that's a big difference with the verbal therapy, 1 was more thinking, thinking first and then
well there was no body movement" (530f3). She also said: "1 would Say the session here
was the most complete of al1 the things that I've tried before" (5400). She explained: "1
would see them [verbal therapists] as more intrusive even, somehow, 1 don? know why,
and that might just be a persona1 [thing]. The similanty between [hands-on] therapy and the
work that you did was that it was NOT an intellectual experience, whereas 1 found the
verbal work very much an intellectual experience and my responses and reactions were very
much on an intellectual basis, so as far as getting at that imer child and that experience that
1went through, 1 found that there was a big barrier with the verbal work because it didn't
get past my head, like it didn't get to my body at all, and the sirnilarity between the [hands-
on] and what you did was that they both dealt with my body. Now the bands-on therapy]
deals less with the mind 1guess" (50of3).
Gwen said she was "surpnsed" at how much the images she discovered have helped
her move beyond the "conceptualized" understanding she previously had of her body "split"
(lof3). During the session, in the midst of a dialogue between two areas of her body,
Gwen said, "Ifs Iike they speak different Ianguages" (Bof 1). She recognized this dialogue
Reflecting on her process during this dialogue Gwen said later: "It doesn't seem like a head
thing, more a body comection of one part of the body to the other part of the body"
(210fl). Previously she relied on her intellect almost exclusively for information and
understanding. This reliance has made it frustrating for her to comprehend her psyche-soma
disturbances because she never had "knowledge-type mernories" (17of3). In the interview
one year later, Gwen articulated a readiness to respond to messages from her body,
"whether it's feeling sensations or having images corne up from nowhere," and was now
"paying attention to those images rather than ignoring them, knowing that there are other
ways of knowing that are not cognitive" (liof3). When Gwen paid attention to these
images and sensations, she felt "more present [but] it's still a struggle" (18ofl).
Wiiio reflected that although she can "conjure up in my head" a certain arnount of
material, she found that by following my suggestions to focus on her body experience she
was able to "remember t h g s that I couldn't remember just by my head alone" (40f2). She
also said: "It makes sense that there should be a body component because 1 have in many
ways separated my body, and especially the mernories that occurred in my body when 1 was
younger and 1 actually carry that [separation] from the head down" (30f2). She concluded
that "this is a method to explore that" (3of2) and elaborated: "This [pointing to her body]
187
was peneuated, not just my mind, and not just my person, but my body was too" (4of2).
Willo believed that her "mind has been opened" by the session because she was
"getting a linle frustrated with [talk] therapy ... going around and around the same sniff"
(5308). She says: "1 seern STUCK and 1 haven't been able to get anywhere past it. ... I
don? really want to go back and remember intirnate details of what happened and where 1
was touched. ... This is a completely different approach. By using my body, my mind is
actually cut off, which is great because it's certainly long overdue. 1 think I've been using
my head far too much -- and it's not always a good thing. ... M y mind] is not gone
completely, but it's not the one who is directing ... it's taking its cues from rny body"
(Mof2).
Trudi found that focusing on the experience of her body allowed her to "go back
and experience [the abuse] on some level ... you know three years of talking ... 1just find
the experience that 1 had through my body incredible ... if 1 go with what the body is giving
me then 1 don't go in my head as much, where at times 1 fuid with my therapist talking,
6.2.2. The Session Facilitates Memory Recall and Retrieval of Imams that Wouid Not
Have Ha~uenedOtherwise
Mary commented that her memory retrieval was a physical re-experiencing of herself as a
child: "1picture myself as a linle child ... crouched down and covenng my head and rhar
was like I was there, it wasn't like a memory. 1 think the difference probably is the clarity
of it. When I remember things, like if 1 remember when 1 was a kid or whatever, a lot of
it's fuzzy. 1 may remember things like 1 was playing on a swing and 1 was wearing a dress
L88
or something, but especially the part that 1 remember where 1 was picturing myself as a
Little child crouched down ... if you had asked me, like 1 saw the details, I saw it was three-
dimensional ... it was like I was in that situation experiencing it, even probably some of the
other stuff that was more vague. like 1 remember feeling the weight on my chest, and my
throat tightening, and al1 of that was more like 1 was physically experiencing it. 1 would
Say for mosr as far as 1 can remember, the things that went on in the session were more,
She added: "That's the difference between the bodywork that I've done and the
traditionai therapy sitting, 'cause when 1 was thinking back with my mind [about] what it
was like, and [this] was experiencing what it was actually like to me" (390fi).
Gwen said she was "surprised" she discovered the images and how much they have
helped her to move beyond the "conceptualized" understanding she had previously of her
body "split" (loO). She explained the image of the black pot in her pelvic area: "The
blackness and the heaviness of cast iron which I suppose could represent safety but it also
seems very cold, hard, maybe a lot of protection -- thor was something that surprised me"
( i o n ) . This image gave her for the first tirne, a sense of her extraordinary need for
protection in what she identified during the session as her genital area. Gwen said she felt
safe in the session "or none of that would have corne up" (7of2), and believed that the
imagery she developed assisted her greatly in connecting with ber body in a non-threatening
way .
WiUo said that she "expected to go over things that I already had gone through in
my verbal therapy. 1 think that was the biggest surprise". (20tZ). She described her body as
a " key " to remernbering an experience that she would not have recalled othenvise. "And as
189
well, locating the spot in me where 1 keep a lot of things and how it feels to let go of it ... I
havent corne anywhere with that in terrns of my regular therapy ... that was so wonderfuI"
(20fZ). A year later Willo realized the session was "pivotal" for her development (13ofi).
Trudi said the experiential session "was a whole new experience for me" (40f2).
She recognized that her discovery of the X-ray image and its connection to the abuse would
not have occurred without her focus on her body experience. "1 couldn't go in and see my
psychotherapist ... 1 don't think 1 would have those images corne up ... 1don't think I
In the follow-up interviews, Laura said the experiential session was significant for
her and "different from anything [she] had experienced as far as body-oriented
psychotherapy goes" (lof3). At least two aspects of Laura's experience were new for her:
1) Her memory retrieval involved what she called "completion" (5 1of3), and 2) She did not
dissociate during her body-oriented experience. Laura was quite insistent that the part of
herself named Sally who came fonvard in the session was not experiencing a memory
retrieval: in her interpretation, if the experience were only a relived memory, there would
be no resolution. She States: "Your having us stay with the experience was asking us to
stay with the feeling and Sally's thoughts about how she was feeling ... this kept us focused
... and didn't allow us to leave it before it came to some sort of a sense of completion"
(51of3).
part present. She told me that in the past she would dissociate, but in this session, she said,
"we didn't dissociate, like you kept us present and 'sou1 light' was holding Sally's hand sort
of in an intenial way so Sally knew she was being supported" (530f3). This support was
essential for her merging or integration.
barriers down" when these have been impenetrable in other rypes of therapy. One aspect
that promoted this freedom to explore was che chance to lie down on the floor and close her
eyes. As a result she did not talk about her expenence, but was instead involved in
"experiencing." She felt that because she was on the fioor and was free to assume body
positions she remembered from her childhood, she was better able to "refeel" and visualize.
She cornmented: "It was really r d , it wasn't just theory, it's fine to talk about something,
but if you don't acnially erperience it. ... Floor work ... gives you more expression, to be
.
able to use your whole body. It wasn't so safe as sitting in a chair, that was okay when
you're sitting in a chair you're holding yourself in a certain way, and 1 don? think your
body c m possibly experience or remember in the same way, because you're stuck in one
position, whereas on the fioor 1 was able to work through a lot of stuff by rnoving. 1 mean
from moving fiom my back ... to being hunched over on my stomach, that was a real
physical acknowledgement of what 1was visualking inside, and refeeling that, feeling that
over again, and then again turning on rny side, 1just think there's a Lot more room for
expression, for 1 don? know, just feeling what is going on ..." (4of2). At the one-year
interview, Mary said: "My healing has really been nine-tenths through my body responses
and not through my memory ... the work I did in therapy where the therapist was asking me
questions ... was more intellectual really and 1 wasn't getting anywhere . .. what 1 remember
191
I already remember and you know for me sitting there thinking what else or what about
this, it's just like futile" (1300). For Mary. the formality and physical restriction of the
tak therapy session became Iimiting. Mary was the only participant who emphasized the
importance of moving freely . Whiie other participants also took advantage of this
In a sirnilar way Willo reflected one year later: "1have just been at therapy and i f s
in an office or clinical setting. 1 probably said more to you then 1 would Say in 1 don't
Mary said she "felt at ease very quickly" in the experiential session and believed this helped
her to be "open to acknowledging what was happening." She believed that my questions
and comments helped her "go further in the experience. That was important. and helped me
Mary felt that my trust in the process, allowing the session "to go where it needed to
go," enabled her to let her barriers down. She explained: "1 really felt like you were
confident, and you were kind of Ieading it but letting it go where it needed to go, and
lookuig back 1 think that was really significant in allowing me to let my barriers down"
(30fl).
For Gwen, feeling safe was essential for the emergence of new matenal. She did
not feel that there was more 1 could have done to assist her. She commented that 1 "have a
very nice voice" that helped her to focus "on what was happening" (8of2). Gwen found the
follow-up interviews "really helphl, because in having to uy to explain" her body
expenences that occurred during the session, she was able to "understand them better"
(320f2).
In regard to safety , Willo said she felt "absolutely" safe: "1 didn't feel in any way
pushed or intimidated to respond or to feel anything, not at all, 1 felt extremely cornfortable.
For Trudi, despite her difficulties surrounding her fear of exposure and her defense
of "numbing out" her feelings and body sensations, the session " was a fine experience, 1
Laura cornmented: "1 think what was so significant in this [session] was [that] it was
done very gently " (3of2). "1 think the session with you was part of what was play ing
towards gening or coming about to a sense of self-love in a different way. We've often
thought we would have liked to have expenenced this kind of psychotherapy because it was
very gently done, and there was a real sense of freeing up that happened as a result of it.
Whether it was a sense of there being an okayness around the feelings that Sally had or
whether it was giving us a different aspect of how to look afier ourselves, 1 don? know
Laura was surprised that this work went so deep for her and that so much occurred
without touch. She comrnented: "1think 'sou1 light' probably guided what happened, and
letting you know that we were multiple at the onset allowed for the freedom of the child to
corne fonvard, you were totally non-judgmental and there was no shock visible to us, your
sensitivity was incredible ... it was the acceptance that created space for what happened to
happen" (56of3).
6.2.5. A Self-Directed Pace Allows Full roc es sin^ of the Material as It Emer~esand
Avoids "Floodinp"and Dissociation
Mary said: "1 felt like you were allowing me to have happen whatever happened ...
Sometimes I feel guided by people. like they're expecting a certain answer. I didn't feel
that, I didn't feel like you were expecting it to go a certain way. 1 felt like you really were
... more following my lead, 1 really felt that" (27ofZ). She stated that the session "felt right
and it felt like 1 worked through what was meant to be worked through during that t h e "
(530f2).
Mary thought that the lack of a pre-set agenda was one of the factors that helped her
contact her inner child during the experiential session. She also said that the time factor
was important for her, reporting that in a one-hour touch therapy session. her body may
"not be ready to corne back to the surface" (56of3). Nor being limited to the "therapy
hour" also helped Mary to feel safe, knowing she would not be stopped if she opened
herself to some deeper aspect that might take a long time to explore. Our session had no
tirne limit although al1 of the sessions Iasted between one and two hours.
WiUo said: "1never felt that you pushed me in terms of the door, opening the door
... and that's something that 1 did . .. and what I felt that you did more for me was -- it was
Laura said that she felt she had reached "saturation" with touch therapy because of
the "flooding" of emotions she experienced. She stated in the interview one week later: "1
liked the fact that without touching my body at all, you kept focus on the areas of pain and
discornfort ... you kept my focus o n the areas in my body wherever there was pain and
sensation and kept me focused" (2of2). Clearly Laura was empowered because she was
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able to keep her focus in a place of her choice and not according to some agenda on my
6.2.6. The Use of a Body-Focused Avaroach Without Phvsical Touch bv the Therapist
Facilitates Intemation
Around the time Mary became invoked in this research. she also becarne involved in a
fonn of touch therapy. She described a sense of stmggle between the sessions with her talk
therapist and those with her body therapist, where one thing happened here and another
there and the two felt "disjointed." in Mary's words. " it's hard to integrate the two when
they are not being integrated at the same moment" (53of2). When asked if the session with
me felt this way, she said no. Mary explained: "1 felt it came together there, and I think
that's why it was so intense and it was almost invigoraling, even though it was draining, but
1 felt really good wlîen 1 left here ... 1 think it felt right and it felt like 1 worked through
what was meant to be worked through during the tirne, 1 didn't feel like 1 had been pushed
too far or anything like that, 1 was kind of tired, but 1 felt really 'up' about the session, and
saw it as a really positive thing. But maybe that's why, because 1 was feeling the
Mary said she "had more control with no touch." She suggested that my role of
"facilitation" involves less "intrusion" than touch: "like you were there and yet you weren't
part of the experience, so you were an outside influence in the session, but you weren't a
part of the actual experience that !was going through, and 1 think maybe that's the
difference with [touch therapy], because the therapist is a part of the experience" (480D).
She also said: "Placing the hands on me makes my body move and then my body
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gives me the memories. Here it was through your voice that you brought those same
memories in rny body, and then in the verbal therapy situation I didn' t get any of those
memories in rny body " (51of3). Leaving 1 felt a sense, I don? know . 1 guess 1 felt a sense
of 1 experienced it, and 1 felt some of ihat in the [touch therapy] but 1 certainiy haven't felt
Mary also commented that in touch therapy "you have control over saying yes or no
to what they do, but you don? know especially where they're going to touch you next. ... 1
think you're more vulnerable in that situation, it's harder to build up that trust" (4708).
She made another interesting comment regarding how she felt about the difference
explained: "1 think things go a lot faster for me in [touch therapy] and sometirnes it's just
too fast, like I've gone on to the next thing, whereas here you were constantly asking, what
is your body saying now or what is it doing now or what do you think that means. and so 1
was processing it as 1 was going, and I think a lot of times in [touch therapy] 1 process it
after 1 corne out, like rny body goes through a lot and then 1 have to sit there and go WOW
and I usually write things down, like whatever 1 was feeling or that kind of thing, but often
it goes a lot faster than what happened here. even though this went deeper" (550B). Mary
technique she experienced with me: with her hands-on therapy, she went faster or perhaps
covered more material because of the directive external infiuence of someone's hands, but
she still needed to integrate her body experience later rather than during the session, as she
did wiîh me. 1believe that when she described Our session as going "deeper," she was
referring to the full integration of her body experience at the time it was happening.
196
Mary's experience also confirmed that with touch therapy she was less clear about
what happened after a session was over. Refemng to the experiential session with me she
stated: "Comingout of it, 1k m what 1 had experienced ... 1 donPtthink 1 went home in a
She also added that it would take longer for her to develop uust with someone who
was touching her because of her experiences of sexual abuse. In the session with me, she
thought that trust happened more quickly because I did not touch her. (58of3) She stated:
"When that's what your abuse was, then that's a significant factor" (58of3).
In regard to touch, Tmdi stated: "My boundaries were crossed very early in life,
and I've just never been very cornfortable with [touch]" (33ufl). She explained that
compared to other forms of therapy, touch therapy and having her "feelings corne up
through touch is more powerful or more overwhelming for me" (3508). Touch has
connected her more strongly to her feelings and at times this has been powerful, yet it can
also be overwhelming. Trudi associated touch with her "contarninating" of others and the
Trudi reflected that hitting is "the only kind of touch 1 remember from my mom ...
she could do loving acts but she could never touch, ever, other than to hit you" (3708). In
reference to our session, she said it was "good" that 1 did not touch her because she "didn't
really know" me. This was Trudi's first experience of focusing on her body without a
therapist touching her. She commented: "1 think it's easy if you haven't been touched, for
me anyway, to crawl back up into my head, find some kind of coping mechanism, but I
think once I'm touched it becomes unbearabie, ... Iike it's [Le., her abuse has] become
confirmed" (390f3).
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At the t h e of the experiential session, Laura was interested in "a compleie break
from bodywork ... ro see if there are other avenues of keeping focused on the body withour
touch" (8of2). She found touch therapy useful because she said she "needed to rernember
or be given the memories, then match it up with the children" (1 lof2), but reported
"flooding" as a result. In both the second and diird interview, she commented on the
effectiveness of rny rnethod for entering a more internai place that did not flood her. In the
second interview she stated: "It was very effective. It wasn't the same level of flooding. ...
1was given very gentle messages ... it is very gentle what happened when Sally came
through without the same floodgates of emotion opening .. . but also it feels like it was very
powerful" (90f2). Laura learned that she could experience a powemil emotional comection
in the present and not be overwhelrned by it. She found that touch therapy can sometimes
be more numiring, but that she felt more in control of the process when there was no
extemal touch. She qualified this statement by explaining that "there is a need for the
[touch] at times. Sometimes i f s a tremendous ernotional block and the hands-on ailows the
added energy to facilitate a breakthrough. ... It feels like this [my method] was very gentle.
1 don? know if 1 could do my whole therapy this way. ... 1couldn't really start to integrate
until a lot of it [Le., memories] had corne fonvard" (1OofZ).
A year later, when Laura reflected on the method she experienced with me, she
explained that it helped her to contact the emotional and intellectual parts surrounding her
memories. She said: "What often happens with the other kind of bodywork, with the hands-
on, is it reconstructs the memory [only]... and we're liking to do more of getting in touch
with the feelings and thoughts [surrounding the memory]" (4800). When I asked Laura
how she would describe her experience in the session, she stated: "It's less of a
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reconstmcting of the memory and more of a getting in touch with thoughts and feelings that
were greatly attached, creating the dynamic inside" (490f3). 1 believe Laura articulated the
inclusion and integration of related thoughts and feelings. This was established because
L a m recognized that "a sense of completion" was achieved by her as she sustained her
The participants' cornments reveal that drawing their experïence at the end of the
experiential session lent another dimension to their understanding of their healing process.
(In this case some cornments are drawn from both the follow-up interviews and the
experientid session.)
Mary said her drawing was helpful: "1 found it really good to draw the picture
afierwards, [it was] like an outlet almost, ... a release of what 1 expenenced." She also felt
it was "like a wrapping-up at the end, kind of pulling things together. " Initially, she was
unsure "what was g o h g to corne out on the paper" but she felt no hesitation. After she
drew the picture, 1observed that the ray of s u n s b e touched the Glob. She said it was
important that 1 had mentioned this relationship because she had not been "mentally aware"
Gwen felt her drawing inspired her to understand that her difficulties were not as
bleak as she imagined and that she was making progress in her healing process. "1
199
remember being quite happy about the image that 1 came up with in that picture because 1
felt Iike that sort of black, cold, hard image was a very srnail part of the whole picnire.
which was kind of nice. ... The picnire generally seemed a lot more positive and grounded
and cheerful than I expected. ... I've made some progress" (2oB).
Irnrnediately after completing her drawing, Wiiio said that when she looked at it in
her picnire, the "mess" she found behind the door in her imagery experience seemed "not
that bad" (610fl). One week later she said: "1 really didn't think about what 1 was going to
do. It was the coloun -- and 1just did it" (4700). Willo expressed surprise about the
"graduated" colours that were "like an explosion out." She felt that the picture represented
an "awakening ... a birth. And that's what this has been like. This body experience. Ir's
like three-quarters of me that 1 have been ignoring is now mine again ... THAT'S what
exploded" (470f2).
Two elements in her drawing surprised Trudi: 1) Although she usually uses only red
and black when she draws, this time she "felt like 1could introduce green" (750f 1); and 2)
Red dots that she expected to look like "demons" came out looking like "littie creanires"
instead (75-6ofl). Both observations indicate a degree of change in what could be perceived
as a positive direction, although Trudi was unable to articulate the significance of these
developrnents.
Looking at her picture one week later, Laura noticed "it feels exactly as it was
supposed to be" (70fZ). She also thought that her picture syrnbolized progress in her
healing: "It feels like there is not a lot of light in my life, it feels like there is an awful lot
of heaviness, but when 1 look at the picnire, 1 realize that there is more light, 1 don? mean
by the yellow streaks, 1 mean there is a lightness to the picture .. . so it [i-e., my life]
doesn't feel Like it's al1 as dark as it feels sometimes" (7of2).
Summary
In every case, the expenential session generated new experiences and mernories that were
significant for the participant. Although each participant's experience was unique comrnon
themes emerged. Participants varied in the degree to which they could sustain their body
focus, the extent to which they were able to aniculate their body disruptions, the ease and
depth with which they were able to make psyche-soma links, and the way they were able to
intemalize the method of dialogue with their bodylself for self-care. Because the follow-up
interviews were semi-strucnired and open-ended, the majority of the evaluation topics were
selected by the individual participants according to their assessrnent of what was important.
Thus these results reflect key areas of importance for the individuals.
CHAPTER 7
DISCUSSION
This method of body-focused intervention enabled the five participants to retrieve and
integrate mernories of their childhood sexual abuse or some unresolved related issue. In
each case, focusing on the body elicited a memory and led to an exploration of a body
disturbance that was either directly or indirectly linked to abuse. Furthemore. this
intervention helped the participants create psyche-soma links and integrate their body
experience with thoughts and feelings at a safe and appropnate pace. In each case contact
was made with a hurt child pan that required a body focus for retrieval because the somatic
component was central to the experience of the child part. For this reason 1 have evolved
the term psyche-soma child as a general term for this type of a hurt child part.
A basic difference besween my results and previous research fidings is the central
aspect of the body within the discussion of trauma. The experiences of the five participants
indicate that the body, as the site of the abuse, continues to harbour unresolved and
distorted experiences and requires healing as much as the psyche. Finkiehor and Brown
powerlessness, and stigmatization -- that account for the main sources of trauma in child
sexud abuse. The authors believe these dynarnics alter a child's "cognitive and emotional
orientation to the world" (p.53 1). This study, however, adds a new dimension to their
perspective in that the body experiences of the five participants clearly showed that the four
dynamics also markedly affect a child's physical orientation to the world. The participants'
202
experiences demonstrated that after childhood sexual abuse, the body remains a
disempowered container of the abuse experience, mute and sexualized. As the site of the
and is experienced by the survivor as cause for sharne. This sharne is embodied as a
continuous sense of exposure as if the body, in its visibility, constantly reveals to others the
secrets or stigmatization of abuse. Each woman was powerless to convol the abuse except
to keep the "secrets" contained in her body, which resulted in a variety of body disruptions
or "split o f f body parts. These body disruptions clearly represented physical manifestations
of the changed "orientation to the world" described by Finklehor and Browne (1985).
The goal of this research has been to document and compare aspects of body
Retrieval
An important finding in this study is that each of the five participants made her initial entry
her individual orientation. Other modalities were involved as the participant continued to
explore her memory and gather more details. This finding lends support to van der Kolk's
(1994, 1995, 1996) recognition that a traumatic memory is stored in sensory fragments and
that entry is made through a single modality and details are retrieved as more sensory
modalities are activated. This finding held me for each participant in this study. The
fmdings of this study, however, supply an additional level of detail by showing that each
kinaesthetic modality and prornoted the experiential development of the memory. Thus
when the kinaesthetic sensory modality became involved, each participant was able revieve
what is called state-bound information. Janet (in van der Kolk & van der Hart, 1991)
recognized the state-dependent nature of traumatic mernories and the necessity of bringing
patients back to the state in which the memory was first laid down in order to "create a
condition in which the dissociated memory of the past could be integrated into current
The findings of this study are in agreement with Terr's (1994) understanding that
survivors retain a "sensation of a mernory ." In addition, support is given to Ten's (1994)
recomrnends asking questions related to sensory material surrounding the trauma memory to
This study extends previous research (Terr, 1994; van der Kolk, 1996) by providing
hrther descriptive detail of the processes involved in remembering trauma. For exarnple, in
this smdy, Mary's throat-clenching sensation led directly to her memory of hiding in dread
from her alcoholic father. Sirnilarly Laura's knife-like sensation in her lower back led her
to remember being raped by her uncle as a small child. Trudi's picnire of an X-ray
developed h t o the sensations of being locked in concrete and strapped in a hospital striker
bed.
Researchers (Benedek & SchetQ, 1987; Fundudis, 1989; van der Kolk & van der
Hart, 1991) have found that focusing on exact times, dates, and locations is not congruent
204
with the way an adult would have encoded a traumatic childhood experience. This study is
in agreement with their fmdings and suggests that in order to assist memory retrieval and
integration, it is not necessary to pursue specific factual information that does not surface
to renieval is in agreement with Fundudis's (1989) explanation of the child's preference for
Van der Koik's study of the "speechless terror" response to trauma was illustrated by
the htensity of Mary's fear and her sensation that her breath was cut off. This is a classic
example of the tendency of PTSD suwivors "to experience emotions as physical states
rather than as verbally encoded experiences" (van der Kolk, 1996, p.293). It is worth
noting that Mary had a vivid sensation and the associated feeling of fear, but said she did
not remember the actual experience in narrative terms. Al1 participants in this study
demonstrated the tendency to experience emotions as physical states and memory retrieval
as a non-narrative event.
Putnam (1990) and Whitfield (1995) stress that conventional verbal therapy is not
likely to be effective as the only tool for recovery from child sexual abuse or trauma since
(Putnam, 1990; Janet, in van der Kolk & van der Hart, 1991; Whitfield, 1995; van der
Kolk, 1996) has shown that because traumatic memory is encapsulated in tirne, it requires a
non-ordinary state for retrieval and integration. The intervention used in this study
This state was achieved by having the participant Lie on the floor with her eyes closed, free
to move or change position. It was this intemal focus on the body experience that
205
ulthately created a non-ordinary state in which the participant was physically cornfortable.
information. This approach differs greatly from one in which the therapist directs the
participant to visualize a particuiar elernent. The participant was encouraged to follow her
body experience continuously in order to allow her body to "speak" its language from its
perspective. This opportunity strengthens the body perspective so that it is not dominated
by thoughts and feelings. but interacting on an equal basis. This study revealed the
distinctive conditions for retrieval and underlines the importance of a body-oriented focus
Inteeration
One of the most instructive aspects of this research was an enrichment of Our understanding
involves the flight of the mind from the body, which remains physically trapped in the
trauma as if it were forced to exist in the unchanged "present tirne" of that experience.
Each participant demonstrated some type of body disruption or "split," most often
articulated as a split between her head and body. These body disruptions correspond with
the mind to flee what the body is experiencing and maintain "a selective conscious
provided an example of how the "split" occurred at the body sensory Ievel. For example,
Tmdi's "split" was represented by two body sensations -- a feeling of being immobilized in
206
concrete, which represented her home life, where the abuse occurred, and a sense of
exposure on a striker bed while in hospital. Dunng the session, Trudi oscillated between
the two sensations. Gradually she recognized the illusory nature of her childhood belief that
the hospital was a safe haven and gained the insight that the humiliating objectification of
her body in the hospital ("like a piece of rneat") offered a close parallel to the abusive
situation at home. Trudi's need to avoid entering her body experience supports Waites's
(1995) view that the effects of trauma are "compounded by the wish that terrible events
were not really occurring or had never happened" (p. 14). For Trudi and the other
participants, the need for safety motivated dissociation to another part of the body. avoiding
In dissociation, the body retains its sensations and urges, but these are dissociated
from any cognitive or emotional understanding of their meaning. Later these sensations
return and the urges are acted upon mindlessly. Trudi provides a clear example of this
mindless urge in her compulsive need to run, to the point of developing chronic pain as a
result. She described it: "Anytime 1 feel any kind of emotion it's like 'gotta nin'."
response to the powerlessness that results from the entrapment of abuse. Thus this smdy
illuminates both the somatic conscious and unconscious experience of trauma descnbed by
Waites (1993), who States that trauma produces an "overwheiming need to escape what is,
in reality , inescapable" and this need results in dissociation (p. 14). Herman and Schatzow
(1987) state that "the purpose of reliving the experience with full affect is not simply one of
catharsis, but of reintegration. ... The patient becomes more comprehensible to herself, and
207
more able to construct meaning in her Me history" (p.13). Several of the participanrs were
able to construct meaning €rom their compulsive need to run and came to undentanci. on a
viscerai Ievel, its deeper meaning and its relationship to their pasc abuse history.
urges involves the emotions . For example, the participants described feelings of pro found
sadness that were unrelated to anything concrete, or uncontrollable crying with no related
thoughts and feelings. Focusing on the body in the experiential session enabled the
example, at a crucial point during her memory retrieval, Gwen experienced an unexpected
urge to cry. By connecting with her body experience, she was able to associate the urge
with feelings of shame, exposure, and confision. Within each session, using body
narrative of their difficulties. Gwen said this process "validated for me the darnage that was
done". The participants' experiences of creating meaning from what were originally
unaccountable sensations and urges have shed light on the way body wisdom "slowly" and
"circuitously" manifests itself but then once experienced becomes a " foundation [or] a basis
of knowing that gives confidence and total support to the ego" (Woodman, 1984, p.28).
This study provides further descriptive detail regarding the purpose and process of
displacement of pain from the area of trauma. The body area that was damaged retains the
unacceptable feelings and converts hem into dissociated physical symptoms of pain or
disease in this area, or dissociates them into other body areas, such as the head. For
example, Mary recognized that ber "physical reaction" to fear was to "cut off" her
208
breathing at her throat, and when the "pressure" in her throat becâme too intense, she
experienced a headache. In a similar way, Laura said "when the headache cornes 1 donTt
feel so bad down below any more," referring co the pain in her pelvic area that she
experienced while recalling being raped as a child. Gwen, a chronic migraine sufferer,
displaced feelings of dirtiness and shame from her genitals into a headache. My
explmation that "The threshold to more flexible somatic experience is guarded by painful
sensations ... erected to prevent venturing into places once experienced as painhl" (p .29-
30). As Waites (1993) explains, in dissociation the "mind flees the body"; however, the
participants in this snidy begin to show us how the pain of emotional and physical trauma is
retained viscerally and converted into dissociated physical pain and mindless emotions that
The effects of child sexual abuse on the body are also reflected in recent medical
findings that c o n f m survivors of child sexual abuse have "more chronic pain, more
medical symptoms, and undergo more surgical procedures chan those with no such history"
(Leserman et al., 1995, p.23). Al1 participants in this study had physical symptorns ranging
from chronic depression to migraines and pelvic pain. The process of focusing on the body
and psyche-soma linking led them to a greater understanding of their physical pain and a
There is a direct association between the severity of the abuse and the degree of
dissociation maites, 1993). The results of this snidy demonstrate Waites's finding from a
body perspective -- the more severe the abuse, the more pronounced the head-body split or
Laura, who has a dissociative identity disorder, provided an extreme and therefore unusually
clear example. Her experience during the session illustrated the merging of alters on a
physical level. DispIacernent of pain played a major role. 1 attribute the emergence of the
alter to the safety gained when Laura was able to displace her pelvic pain to her head and
help the alter to feel accepted and no tonger "bad, enabling her to corne forward and
"
eventually merge with several other chiidren. The most important feature of this
achievement was Laura's perception of safery. Putnam (in Waites. 1993) explains that in
MPD, "different alter personalities rnay have experienced the 'same' trauma quite
differently and each may need to abreact the event individually" (p.222). Laura was able to
invite each alter to participate and give "special attention" to "sharing information and
discrepant experiences" (p.222). The findings in this study present in detail the physical
dimension of Putnam's mode1 by placing the alters in various tissue or areas of the body
that need to share or make connections regarding abuse experiences. The findings here also
describe and document the process of refocusing on the body experience that facilitates
Van der Kolk (1996) and van der Kok et al. (1996) explain the importance in
personal narrative for the purpose of integrating dissociated experiences from the past. A
major fmding in this study is that for the participants the "sensory fragments" developed
into subpersonalities, in other words the somatic aspect of cut-off or dissociated parts. This
study demonstrates the importance and usefulness of identifiing and dialoguing various body
parts that represent these subpersonalities. For example, in Laura's case, a preliminary
210
process of dialoguing among several body parts -- back, chest, neck, and head -- was
necessary before Laura could corne to her centraldialogue in which she merged psyche-
soma chiid alters. It was important for Laura to follow her body sensations through the
various areas, mapping her pain until she discovered that when she displaced her lower back
pain to her head she felt safe and Sally could speak. She identified the ache or "lump" in
her lower back as the "gatekeeper," the "road block between my brain and rny rnouth" who
made it "hard to talk" (22ofl). A similar pattern occurred with Gwen and involved her
chest area as a source of shame. By continuously refocusing or "checking in" with this area
of her body throughout the session, Gwen was finally able to identiQ this area as heart
tissue and dialogue it with her "heavy, dark" genital area. Because she was able to enter
what she identified as a "stream of consciousness," the two areas were able to interact and a
In this study an overall pattem of integration was revealed during the dialoguing of
body that needed to find a way to interact. In the case of childhood trauma, it is common
to have as the players a hurt child part and a protector part. The body-focused nature of
this study allowed the participants to identiQ and locate these subpersonalities by following
physical sensations, particularly those of pain. This study informs us that each
subpersonality resides in a specific body part and therefore speaks from that part. From
within the body experience, the participants came to a new awareness, understanding, and
Creating psyche-soma Links led the participants to recognize the protective aspect of
the body. Often a "gatekeeper" was protecting the hurt child part who needed to speak. At
21 1
a certain point, the participant had to face the pain and for this to occur. trust in the process
of following the experience was essential. For example. this is the point where Willo and
Mary cried and where Trudi dissociated to another part of her body. If the participant
sustained a focus on her body experience without dissociating to another pan of her body.
the pain 1ed her to the cut-off hurt parts that contained the "secrets" of the abuse and that
she usually recognized consciously as the hurt child. For example, Mary said that the pain
was a little kid, and dialogue with this psyche-soma child part 1ed Mary to her healing
image, a "picture" of herself holding the child. The process. as discovered initially in the
pilot study (Asselstine, 1992) indicates that the hurt psyche-soma child part can be reached
through a successhl dialogue between confiicting subpersonalities that are explored through
the body without the filter of the intellect. As Wiilo remarked, at the t h e of the session
her mind was "taking cues" from her body. These experiences of integration resemble
Briere's (1992) description of what can happen if one goes beyond the verbal "renditions"
of the abuse to the associated sensory cornponents, facilitating a more integrated and
therefore less dissociated re-experiencing of abusive events and thus "potentially a more
The pain of the body is the source of information and the potential teacher for
participants' experiences vividly demonstrate that the body, as the source of the trauma, is
also the guide for healing . Each participant offers an example of the way dialoguing with
the body leads to a changed and less dissociated relationship with their body. Waites (1993)
has found that "takingabout bodily experiences and sensations" helps overcome numbness
and flight from the body and that "over the course of t h e , the symbolic significance of
212
images may become more and more relevant" (p.222). This research demonsuates what
type of "talking about" is effective -- allowing the body to have its own voice and speak
rnethod that can contact state-bound information has been conf7rmed by clinical researchers.
including van der Kolk (1996). Participants in the snidy cornmented that during the
experiential session, significant images arose that they felt would not have done so in their
sensory-perceptual images.
Each participant in this study illustrates the process and the benefits described
expenences in healing trauma. For exarnple, Mary made a distinction between "thinking
back" with her mind and the kind of remernbering that occurred during the session that she
said was "more real," as if she were in that situation experiencing it. Mary's experience is
in agreement with van der Kolk's (1996) statement that his patients claimed to remember
actual sensory elements of the original traumatic event. Although other participants in the
study did not articulate this as clearly, it is apparent that al1 participants recalled sensory
fragments of their original trauma. Heman and Schatzow (1987) also emphasized the
importance for reintegration of reliving the experience with full affect. Waites (1993)
reexperiencing " (p. 104). The relevant finding in this study is that because the participants
were following their body experiences they were able to create a safe place in which diey
could integrate their sensory expenences as they arose through the process of psyche-soma
linking. 1 believe this safew was achieved because the participants had full control of their
body-focused therapeutic process .
For Laura, there was an additional dimension that she caIled "completion."
explaining that if the experience were only a relived memory, there would be no resolution.
Laura emphasized that for resolution to occur she needed to feel safe enough not to
dissociate. Her expenence illustrates the findings of van der Kolk and van der Hart (1991)
and van der Kolk (1996) who speak about retuming to the memory in order to complete ir
and srress that in order for "resolution" to occur it is necessary to conuol dissociation and
The use of drawings in conjunction with the body experience is in line with the
opinion of Briere (1992) who believes that it is worthwhile to "encourage clients to draw.
paint, or in some other non-verbal modality depict their abuse experiences in order to access
the Iess linear, more sensory components of abuse-specific mernory" (p.133). Far from
being simply a tool to access traumatic memories, according to the results of this study,
experienced on a bodily basis the non-linear nature of ber trauma memory. Participants'
drawings, completed at the end of the experiential session. gave them a tangible reference
point for their experience that supported verbalization and the recognition of shifts in
consciousness that had occurred. In every case, the drawing provided the participant with
another dimension, sometimes offering surprising insights, and always resulted in a more
positive outlook.
The conditions facilitating integration in this shidy were unique. The participants
cited the enabling factors that they believed allowed them to access memones and images
they felt would not have been retrieved otherwise. These included: (1) the therapist's trust
2 14
ui the process; (2) a feeling of trust and safety with the therapist; ( 3 ) Iying down and
moving as desired; (4) a self-directed Pace that allowed full processing of the new material
at the time it emerged; and (5) drawing a picture at the end of the session. Evidently I was
able to project a profound sense of trust in the process of following the body experience,
c o ~ d e n itn the belief that the body-focused, self-directed pace would ensure safety.
Participants were able to absorb this trust and therefore were able to allow themselves to
proceed at their own pace. My underlying intention was to give the participant full control
of the Pace and establish a uust that her body would direct her to what needed to be
discovered .
During this smdy it became evident that psyche-soma linking prevented dissociation
frorn the body during the re-experiencing. The internai focus on the body, once established.
led to a feeling that prompted the participant to enter the psyche in order to pursue the
intellectual or emotiond aspect of what was happening. After pursuing the new material on
this level, the participant needed to be encouraged to refocus on the body experience. This
emergent irnagery process. The conditions that the participants identified as necessary for
Internalization
consciousness as a result of integration with their body experience. The most significant of
these involved the ability to manage flashbacks using an intemalized version of the method
process that was shared by al1 the participants to varying degrees. Mary was clear about
remembering my voice and the way 1 asked questions. A year after the session, she said
that when she had flashbacks in non-therapy situations, she was able to apply my method of
questioning her body as a technique to calm herself and remind herself that she was not in
the past as a child, but in the present as an adult. She stressed that she would never have
thought of doing this before and that it was helpful to realize that she could be in controI of
what was happening. Mary's achievement of internalizing the dialogue rnethod indicates
that she benefited from my guidance during her memory experience. She learned how to
sustain a focus on her body experience, which provided her with a safe pace and allowed
her to control the amount of confrontation with her pain. This achievement supports the
recomrnendations for controlled access to traumatic mernories for the purpose of integration
by Janet (in van der Kolk, 1994), Herman and Schatzow (1987),and Waites (1993). For
Laura's application of the process of intemalizarion was specific to her own needs.
During the year following the session, she was able to use this body-focused method for her
own healing. She said the session gave her a way of contacting her body without
facilitation. She called it a language to talk to the body area and said that it helped her look
for deeper aspects to her alters and "make space for healing at a much deeper level."
Laura's changed relationship with her body allowed her to be "a Little more loving" toward
She was able to experience physical pleasure, including sexual activity. that previously was
difficult for her without drugs. She felt encouraged to "get inside" and "discover" the
meaning of her bodily sensations. Within a year of the expenential session, she had not
oniy resumed a number of physical activities that gave her "enormous pleasure," but she
had also gained an ability to trust herself enough to be vulnerable in sexual activity.
Pessimism about the future is a c o r m o n result of child sexual abuse (Briere, 1988;
Herrnan, 1992; Terr, 1993). This outlook is related.to the survivor's feeling of extreme
helplessness or powerlessness to stop the abuse and the resulting entrapment. Changing this
pessimism would be a major therapeutic goal, enhancing the quaiity of life for survivors. In
this study, three of the participants gained a vision of their future body experience that was
directly related to the healing irnagery they discovered during the session. (The other two
participants were at a different stage in their healing process.) Common elements for the
three women included a vision of themselves as energetic, expansive, and free to move with
a childlike joy. Mary articulated one of the physical aspects of intemalization when she
described her sensation that the "little girl" was the spirit inside her larger adult body that
Gwen had a similar vision of herself in the future doing cartwheels, with a sensation
of lightness and exhilaration. These aspects of her image represent a metamorphosis of her
previous picture of herself as a hopeless and sad child, floating weightlessly through space
like a millcweed pod; however, the image of herself in the future included a development
toward substance, intention, and joy. Gwen's milkweed pod was an image of dissociation,
which she said she learned "very early" so that it became "a way of life" (200f2). One year
2 17
Iater, discussing what she learned from the session, Gwen stressed that she gained a berter
understanding of her dissociation through increased body awareness. She reported that the
session helped her to separate what belonged to the present and what belonged to the past.
She articulated that she was able to internalize dialogue with her body, introspect about the
rneaning of various sensations, and was much more able to take in bodily pleasure.
Willo's vision of the future involved herself floating in the ocean. She compared
this image to her memory of running exuberantly on ice as a child. Willo articulated that
feeling pleasure in her body was acceptable and no longer "bad, dirty or negative in any
way." Like Gwen and Mary, Willo discovered and embodied a physical reality that was no
longer heavy , trapped, weighted and imrnobilized, but free to move with lightness, power,
and fluidity. In each case, the irnagex-y dernonstrated the inclusion of a transformed version
of the hun child in a new lived metaphor. These experiences illustrate Woodman's (1996)
view that the "connecter" between the body and the mind is metaphor: "Metaphor is the
language of the soul. ... Metaphor is a physical picture of a spiritual condition" (p.33).
1 believe these three women were able to sustain and further develop their successful
integration of their child part because they moved beyond a cognitive understanding of
having a hua child part to an embodied experience of a lost childlike perspective. This
transformation personified the reclairning of their body and indicated the potential for a
renewed relationship with the bodylself that could include the joyful aspect of the child.
The child part that retained the injury within the somatic unconscious was now able to join
the adult woman and contribute an aspect of physical joy and bodily pleasure that was
missing. According to the participants' comments, it was clear that this changed
and tmst that their body would lead them safely and naturally through their healing process.
These benefits included conuolled access to mernories. an ability to listen to their body in
everyday life, an enhancement of quality of iife involving a more optimistic outlook, and an
ability to distinguish between the past and the present. The body is a source of direct
knowledge that enables a survivor to recognize distortions resuiting from trauma and to gain
a perspective that places the trauma clearly in the past, lessening its negative influence on
the present. Evidently the participants were able to adopt a compassionate, respectful, and
Varied implications for intervention were presented by the experiences of the five
participants. Their process of leaming about pain and healing within an experiential
approach required a non-intellectual focus. Although the women in the study had different
them to awareneçs and provided thern with tools for change and self care that otherwise
wouid not have been possible. When we consider the effects of chiid sexual abuse, their
voices teach us that one's physical reality cannot be separated frorn one's cognitive,
The case studies presented here inform us that focusing on the body experience and
research points toward the need to re-examine the limitations of conventional verbal
psychotherapy and to explore non-ordinary States for accessing the body's perspective.
knowledge of the body. A thorough sensitivity, ongoing awareness, and knowledge of the
body on the part of the therapist is essential if he/she is going to be able to follow, value,
locating and re-focusing the client's awareness is crucial because of the subtle nature of
some of these explorations and the novelty of the experience for the client. Questions of
pacing , trust, and boundaries are dependent upon the therapist 's knowledge of psyche-soma
linking and respect for the distinctive nature of the body perspective. As Swartz-Salant
(1982) articulates: "The way one approaches the body is always the central issue, not the
particular techniques employed" (p. 122). This is particularly relevant for body-focused
work.
experience, dialoguing body parts and contacting the hua child require expertise in guiding
the survivor through psyche-soma linking and the exploration of imagery that reflects
psyche-soma realities. A farniliarity with the body experience on the pan of the therapist is
Somatic empathy is an elusive quality that enables a therapist to resonate with the
participants' experience as it happens and sense the appropriate time to move through the
steps of psyche-soma linking. (See Appendix C.) Somatic empathy also enables the
therapist to recognize the events that are occurring and understand their importance. This
research has demonstrated that the rnost significant contribution of a body-focused approach
form of body disruptions or headhody "splits." The process of integrating these "splits"
between body and mind requires that they be identified and worked through with the
appropriate guidance.
Another aspect involves the physical environment and cornfort of the participant.
Because the interna1 focus on the body experience is essential to create a non-ordinary state
and contact the body material, the conditions for retrieval and integration must be arranged
according to the body's needs. My experience suggests that the power differential is
lessened when 1 am at the same physical level as the participant. Therefore 1 sit on the
floor if the participant is on the floor. That said, this method of focusing intemally on the
body experience could be accomplished in other adapted forms, including sitting in a chair
with the eyes closed. The results of this study show that it is helpful to have the participant
22 1
lie on the floor with her eyes closed and free to move as she wishes. This freedom is
Inviting the participant to "get cornfortable" and assisting her with this process (e.g.,
important in the session. Another aid to focusing internally on the body experience is ro
breathe and follow the breath through the body as a way of scanning. This scanning
permits any areas in need of attention to emerge easily, gives the participant full control of
the body-focused process, and reinforces the significance of the body perspective.
Once the participant has entered her body-focused memory, the therapist must be
amined to subtle shifts in the body perspective. Picking up on the non-verbal cues in
breathing, body position, movernent, tone of voice, timing of these elements. and rhythm of
the interaction between therapist and participant are necessary skills. The intention in body-
that can be explored and integrated for the purpose of healing. Consciousness of body
processes leads to the creation of body-oriented self-care tools that result from such
integration. It is the role of the therapist to assist the participant in developing this
consciousness; it is unlikely that this body material will become conscious spontaneously
because it concems trauma that is state-bound and therefore strongly protected by the body
and its pain. The therapist cannot communicate body consciousness if she is not conscious
of her own and others' body processes. There is no formula for acquiring the skills for
body-focused therapy. It is cmcial that the therapist project throughout the session an
acceptance of not knowing what the direction or outcome of the exploration will be. In this
way, the participant is encouraged to accept this state of not knowing as productive.
222
Consequently, she wilI allow herself to be open to the emergence of unpredictable body-
oriented material. This openness to the body experience teaches the participant that the
A major fiinding in this study is that for these particular women, who were already in
healing when they came to the experiential session, there was no reason for me to fear that
the body experience would be ovenvhelming. A comrnon misconception is that the body
will become uncontrollable and the participant will be trapped in an emotional crisis. These
five participants formed a select group. For a therapist experienced in body-oriented change
working with such a group, it is unlikely that a crisis will occur. Recognizing the
knowledge of the body and trusting it to guide the therapy is, for the uninitiated, a leap of
faith. Acknowledging one's fear about unknown body processes is the first step in
overcoming reluctance to accept the potential wisdom the body has to offer. Without
participants to lower their barriers and recognize the protective nature of their body
experience and the potential capacity of their body to offer safety within a healing process.
retrieval. It is necessary to explore methods for retrieval that provide control and safety for
the suwivor who is accessing body-oriented experiences. The qualitative case study
experiences of women survivors. This sîudy suggests that the therapeutic technique
223
employed can be beneficial and the role of this approach within an actual psychotherapy
The distinctive kind of body-focused memory retrieval involved in this smdy requires
specific therapeutic conditions. More study is needed in this area to determine what factors
are most important, why, and how to create them. For example, the relative usefulness of
lying on the floor as opposed to being seated in a chair could be exarnined. A possible area
of research might involve the body education and training of therapists. Another area of
research might be the transference issues within a body focus and how they may or may not
For the purpose of understanding the matching of appropriate therapy with the
experiences with a body-oriented verbal technique such as the one used in this study to other
studies, attention could be given to participants' background, including culture, type of child
sexual abuse, medical history, and previous experience with a range of body-oriented
modalities. Any and al1 of these variables may lead to a greater understanding of the
also trained in verbal psychotherapy may neveaheless need additional guidance for finding
the best ways to blend the modalities. Further research will benefit conventional verbal
therapists who need to undentand in greater depth how to include the body perspective.
Arnong the areas that could be researched is the question of guidelines for helping clients
224
reach an interna1 body focus for memory retrieval. At present, we do know if it is possible
to teach the ability to recognize shifts and body consciousness within the traditional schools
Research concerning the use of words by women when talking about their body
expenences, including their development of imagery and metaphor, will inforrn us about
ways to notice, invite, and include the participation of a body perspective. It is common
knowledge that the mind flees the body in dissociation. However, this research has
Understanding body dismptions more clearly will have implications for psychotherapy.
the participant's own interpretation of her medical and emotional history, including the
psychological and somatic challenges that she feels she has had to face over the years. A
worthwhile emphasis would be on the participant's personal discussion of her history rather
link the specific symptoms with signifiant body areas and the psyche-soma issues
surroundhg body-oriented mernories. This type of research would extend Our knowledge
As mentioned earlier, conventional verbal therapists are not trained to attempt touch
body and an indepth experience of one's body processes. Learning about one's body is not
purely an inrellectual process so research that addresses cnteria for expertise to include the
body could be useful. in particular, it is crucial to understand possible risks when the
In this snidy. the women welcomed the opportuity to adopt the method of
dialoguing that they had learned, intemalizing it as their own way of communicating with
their body in everyday life. Research that explores the ways this dialogue is internalized
The women in this study came from a relatively unified cultural background: white, middle
class, urban, and educated. Cultural differences may relate to varied experiences of the
body. In addition, membership in visible minoriv groups rnay alter the body experience
due to the larger cultural psyche. Perhaps the most important limitation, however, is that
al1 the women in this study were currently in ongoing psychotherapy and had made varying
This study explored and documented the experiences of five women within a
qualitative case study design. Naturally a greater number of participants could teach us
more about the individual differences and similarities of their body-oriented experiences.
It is likely that some people will not benefit from an intemal focus on their body
experience. For any number of reasons, the intemal focus might present problems for some
made.
Another limitation of this study concerns the fact that 1 have had particular training
in areas that the typical process of becoming a therapist does not include- This training
certainly affected the way I worked and î3erefore raises the question of transferability when
7.5. CONCLUSION
This intervention technique is not a therapy in i ~ i f .As Terr has explained. psychotherapy
is not just about memory work. This technique. however, rnay be useful for certain people
at certain times for certain reasons. As research. it has been helpful in answering the
research questions and informing us about the non-linear quality of body experience and
about the body's ability to give us knowledge about ourselves and our past expenence in
such a way that Our emotions and intellect can becorne grounded in that knowledge. There
abuse trauma. This study has demonstrated that the body is closely and inextricably
variety of related kinaesthetic experiences have been shown to be part of the memory of
trauma, including the trauma of imrnobilization and the feeling of being trapped in terror,
body disruptions that involve the mind "splitting' from the body, and the "splitting" of body
areas that represent different subpersonalities and perspectives on the trauma. Following the
sensation of a memory and incorporating psyche-soma linking led the five participants in
this study to a changed and more integrated refationship with their body. Body-oriented
memory reû-ieval and integration, and the internalization of the process of dialogue with
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Briere, J. (1992). Child Abuse Trauma: Theorv and Treatment of the Lastinq
Effects . London: Sage Publications.
Browne, A., Finkeihor, D. (1986). Impact of Child Sexual Abuse: A Review of the
Research, Psychological Bulletin, %(1), 66-77.
Freud, S. (1938). Ed. and Trans. A. Briil. The Basic Writings of Siemund Freud.
New York: Random House.
Gadow, S. (1980). Body and Self: A Dilectic, The Journal of Medicine and
Philoso~hy,5(3), 173-185.
Goodwin, J. (1990). Applying to Adult Lncest Victims What We Have Learned from
Victirnized Children. In R. Uufi (Ed.), Incest-Related Syndromes of Adult Ps~chopatholoey
@p.55-74). Washington, DC : Amencan Psychiatric Press.
Herman, J., Ruseil, D., Trocki, K. (1987). Long-Term Effects of Incestuous Abuse
in Childhood, American Journal of Psychiatry, M ( l 0 ) . 12%- 1296.
Hugglund, T., Piha, H. (1980). The Inner Body Space of the Body Image,
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Johnson, M., Foley, M. (1984). Differentiating Fact from Fantasy: The Reliability
of Children' s Memory , Journal of Social Issues, 4(2), 33-50.
MacFarlane, K., Waterman, J. (1987). Sexual Abuse of Young Children. New York:
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Masson, J. (1984). Freud's Suppression of the Seduction The01-v. Toronto:
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Pert, C. (1986). The Wisdom of the Receptors: Neuropeptides, the Emotions, and
Bodymind, Advances, 3(3), 8-16.
Sulloway, F. (1979). Freud. Bioloeist of the Mind. New York: Basic Books.
van der Kok, B. (1994). The Body Keeps the Score: Memory and rhe Evolving
Psychobiology of Posttraumatic Stress, Harvard Medical School, 253-265.
van der Kok, B. (1996). Trauma and Memory . In B. van der Kolk, A. McFarlane,
L. Weisaeth (Eds.), Traumatic Stress: The Effects of Overwhelming Experience on Mind.
Body. and Socien, (pp.279-302). New York: The Guildford Press.
van der Kolk, B., Fisler, R. (1995). Dissociation and the Fragrnemq Nature of
Traumatic Memones: Overview and Exploratory Snidy, Journal of Traumatic Stress, 34).
505-525.
van der KoIk, B., van der Hart, O., (199 1). The Intrusive Past: The Flexibility of
Memory and the Engraving of Trauma, American Imago, 48(4), 425-454.
van der Kolk, B., van der Hart, O., Mannar, C. (1996). Dissociation and
Information Pricessing in Posttraumatic Stress D isorder. In B. van der Koïk, A.
McFarlane, L. Weisaeth (Eds .), ~raurnaticStress: The Effects of Overwhehing Exoerience
on M i d . Body. and Societv (pp.303-327). New York: The Guildford Press.
Weiser, J. (199 1). Psychosynthesis class , Ontario Instinite for Studies in Education,
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Trauma. Deerfield Beach: Health Conimunications, Inc .
For this research 1 would like to conduct experiential interviews that invite the
participant to focus on the experience of the body during a guided irnagery experience
including the use of drawings, and, to discuss this experience with me. Participation will
involve two interviews approxirnately two hours long and two weeks apart. The interviews
will be taped and transcribed.
Exploring the experience of the body is persona1 and participation in this study will
resemble a psychotherapy session as much as an interview session. Because this study
necessitates that the participant be open to the experience and expression of personal issues
(if they should arise) 1 am requesting that each participant be currently in psychotherapy. In
this way, 1 know you have a safe place to continue processing your experience if you need
to .
To protect your prïvacy, your name and any other identiQing information will be
disguised in al1 data, written material, or publications. You are free to withdraw ftom the
study at any t h e .
In the pilot study participants stated they found the experience to be both positive
and personally informative. If you chose to participate in this study, 1 believe you will also
be making a valuable contribution toward understanding the importance of including the
experience of the body in the healing process with survivors of childhood sexual abuse.
Dear Margit:
I have read the attached letter describing the research project you plan to do and I agree to
participate. It is clear to me that 1 am free to withdraw from the study at any tirne.
Date
Background Inibnnation
Age:
Occupation (s) :
Referral Source:
Birthplace:
Language of Choice:
Marital Status:
Educational History:
Family Background:
description of parents and siblings (age, educatiow occupation, brief character description)
relationship with parents and siblings (10 - very dose, O - very distant)
Page 2 (Background Information conthued)
Code Nurnber:
Code Number:
PAST MEMORY
lie down and get cornfortable
notice yourself
expand on the i d d a t i o n
although we are going to focus on the body every part of you is really involved
allow self to be present in al1 aspects although we are focusing on the body orientation
when ready
you might notice more than one place or memory drawing your attention
[through dialogue. encourage the choice of an importaru rnemory, knowiizg at the same rime
that all the me-es are important or eise the participant would probably not remember
them]
you may notice your attention shift - as you begin in one part of your body and move
somewhere else -- trace ùiis rnovernent as it accurs
ffollow orientarion of the body and dialogue w&h whutever cornes up; bnng fucus back ro
the body as appropnate or in a psyche-soma &king; suggest the nert transition when rhe
participant h m clatified the rnemory for hersetf as much as possible and the related rhoughts
and feelings are evidend
if it's okay now 1 would like to invite you to transition into the present time in your body
take your tirne to notice the transition as you move from the past into the present
[if appropriate] check in with the places [name these] in your body that were in your
awareness during your previous mernory expetience]
For the purpose of creating frtrther psyche-soma linking between past and present experience
and grounding in the body uwareness if appropriate] how is the place(s) [name these]
diflerent from the way if was when you were in the past memory experience [explore each
phce in depth ifpossibZe]
ffollow her dialogue and at the appropnate moments re-focm on areas of the body that were
mentioned, so as to facilitate the parricipant's discovery of any relarion these might have to
the present]
floilow orientarion of the body and dialogue with whatever cornes up; bring the focus back
ro her body us appropriare or in a psyche-soma linking; suggesr rhe n a t transition when she
hus clanfed as much as possible for herself her body experience in rhe presenr, any relared
thoughts and feelings, and links ro the pasr]
if it's okay now, 1 would like to invite you to transition into the funire time in your body.
again noticing whatever cornes up for you or draws your attention during the transition from
the present to the future
take your time to notice the transition as you move from the present into the future
as you allow yourself to imagine your body in the future, what do you notice about how you
are feeling in your body
[when appropnate] check in with the places [name these] in your body that were in your
awareness during your previous past and present experience
ffor the pupose of creating furrher psyche-soma linking between pasî and present ro mure
erpenence and grounding in fhe body awareness, ifappropBm how is the place(s) [name
rhese] different from your previous experience [erplore each phce in depth if possible]
[if appropriate] notice your breathing, how is it different now, if it is
[when appropriareJ what are you noticing now, allow your body to guide you
ffollow her dialogue and re-focus, at the appropriate moments. on areas of her body thar
were mentioned so as tu facilirate discovery of any relation these rnight have tu the presenr]
~ o l l o worientarion of the body and dialogue with whatever cornes up; bring the fucus back
tu her body as appropriate or in a psyche-soma linking; suggest the next transition when she
has clarijici us much as possible for herself the future, any reZated thoughîs and feelings,
and links to the present &/or p d
fmd a way to complete the session for yourself
a) What are your thoughts and feelings about your experience in the previous interview?
b) What was most important to you or most mernorable about what happened in the first
inteN iew?
c) Do you think that focusing on the experience of your body served to facilitate mernories
of cbildhood trauma that you may not have rernembered otherwise or remembered
differently? Please explain.
d) As a result of the previous interview, do you think your body pain or physical syrnproms
make more sense?
e) Do you think including your body expenence rnight be important for healing or
psychological integration?
f) In your experience, how is focusing on your body to explore mernories different from a
conventional (verbal) psychotherapy?
h) If you have a background in both verbal and body-orieoted psychotherapy, how would
you describe the difference?
Appendix E Interview Scheduie
b) What are your thoughts and feelings about your experience in the previous interview?
c) What was most important to you or most mernorable about what happened in the first
interview?
d) As a result of the previous interview, do you think your body pain or physical symptorns
make more sense?
e) Do you think including your body experience might be important for healing or
psychologica1 integration?
9 In your experience. how is focusing on your body to explore mernories different from a
conventional (verbal) psychotherapy?