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W IT H TA L ES F ROM

A T EL E NOV E L IZ E D U N I V ER SE

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 But My World is You
A S T O RY B Y AY U

I t never really crossed my mind that my relationship with my siblings would get closer and
closer as time went by. Felt like we had just gone through all the rough patches; the divorces, the
very-public meltdown that Mama Nuri had when she found out about my dad’s affair, the silent
treatment we gave each other because we didn’t know how we could maneuver around the
relationship healthily. We didn’t know if it was possible to be civilized with one another, if it was
possible to erase the decades’ worth of pain and heartbreak just for the sake of being there for one
another.

Then I guess it all changed when I finally decided to reach out. It didn’t occur to me that all this
time–all these years–all of my half-siblings were just waiting around, walking on eggshells,
anticipating the time that I would ultimately make the decision to call them up and ask them about
their life. It never truly hit me that they needed someone to lean on to, to look up to–more than just
an older half-brother that would bail them out of prison, that would try to talk some sense into their
dad (our dad), that would try to pull some strings so they wouldn’t get in trouble. They needed
someone there to support them emotionally, not just financially.

After said realization, though, I had the time to catch up with all of my siblings. Then after I
proposed to Thalia and ultimately decided to get married soon–we did our waiting, I didn’t want
to wait any longer–they decided to ‘move in’ with me. By ‘move in’ I meant that they decided they’d
want to be under Thalia and I’s name in our family certificate, leaving our dad behind. His only
includes Leila and Sahara now that all my half-siblings decided to join me.

To be perfectly honest, it’d been such a rollercoaster–very hectic. However, my siblings had been of
great help after the wedding.

Sometimes they’d just show up unannounced in the front gates after they’d taken a direct flight
straight from Dubai or France or London or wherever they decided to settle for a while. My security
system would light up at 5 in the morning with a few of my guards scurrying to the main
bedroom–their bare feet tapping on the wooden staircase as they climbed up–while profusely
apologizing for asking where they should put my sibling’s suitcases in.

Most of the time it would be Qamila–she’d been dating this Balinese guy for quite some time and
had always used me as an excuse for visiting the island all the time when I secretly knew she’d come
for him–but there would be Ziad, too, sometimes. Nathan and Nanda didn’t really visit often since
they’d always been preoccupied with university and all while Natalie would come once every 4
months, sometimes I wanted to scold her for spending all that money but I realized that my dad had
probably given them too much pocket-money that they didn’t know what to spend it on nowadays.

Yep, you heard it right. After deciding to sever his ties with most of my half-siblings, I decided to talk
to him–man to man–about his careless decision. We sat down in his house, his fingers holding a
cigarette, his mind always divided between the conversation we were having and the business calls
that he had to miss just to talk to his son. Then, miraculously, he complied. He decided that he’d

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 attempt to rekindle and be kind to my other siblings after I told him how they’d left him alone in
the family card.
Though he hadn’t always been there, he had made several attempts to reconcile. He even went to visit
Nanda in Switzerland last Christmas when Nanda said he got a little held up since he had a concert
soon. That was the first time he met Sahara–which he told me through text about–and the first time
that Leila even attempted to make contact with any of my dad’s other children.
It’s still a very long way to go. Very, very long way. But it was a great start for him.
Even Thalia had met the new and slightly-kinder version of my dad before we held the wedding, the
man even formally congratulated us on our engagement and was ready to fully embrace her into the
family. Which was great, by the way, felt a little refreshing after all the cold war and sarcastic quips
we had. I didn’t know what made him change his mind, I was just glad it could be changed at all.
While we’re talking about changes and showing up unannounced, my half-sister–Qamila–showed
up at my house at 11 in the morning. The SilverBird taxi that dropped her off in front of the gates
stopped for a few minutes just so we could all carry her luggages out of the trunk. Thalia greeted her
with a huge hug and a smile–she’d always been the most excited out of the two of us whenever my
siblings came to visit–while I threw her a, “Why are you here… again?”
My sister responded with nothing but an eye-roll and a side-hug, “Miss you too, Mas.”
Then the next day, she dragged me to this new hip restaurant–that I figured out her boyfriend owned
after I did a little digging–in Seminyak. She had never formally introduced me to the man, I heard
stories about him through little anecdotes that Thalia would give me but Qamila never made an
attempt to actually make us get to know each other. I didn’t mind, the last time she introduced me
to her boyfriend I told her to break it off with him.
So maybe she just wanted him to linger longer this time around, especially since she’d always made
an attempt to fly in from Abu Dhabi for him.
I sat down in front of her, the heavy menu opened in front of me, a waitress eyeing us carefully,
“What are you having?” My sister asked.
There were too many dishes I couldn’t keep count but I settled with the classic, “Scallops and
chargrilled barramundi, I think. Itu aja deh, Mbak.”
Qamila narrowed her eyes at me, her nails tapping against the wooden table, “Aku udang sama
barramundi juga deh, Mbak, sama fresh oysters.”
“Minumnya apa Mbak Qamila?”
Then it was my turn to look at her suspiciously–she’d been hanging around the restaurant so much
that the waitress knew her by name. Qamila’s cheeks turned a shade of red as she flipped the menu to
the beverages section even though I was sure she’d remembered the choices by heart. Before I could
ask her about it–about why she brought me to dinner without inviting my wife–she’d already piped
up once again, seemingly to shut me up, “Just today’s juice would be fine.”
The waitress gave us both a polite smile before taking the heavy menu into her arms and she walked
away from the table. Qamila had picked the best seat in the house–a private table by the edge of a
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slope that overlooked the beach and since she picked dinner, the moonlight illuminated the sea as
waves crashed into shore. Although I’d been privileged enough to call Bali home, it still felt
overwhelming sometimes whenever I soak in the salt air and the serene sound of the ever-moving
waters surrounding me. Sometimes I wished I’d bought a house nearer to the beach–which was just
wishful thinking at best.
“So…” I started as I checked my watch, it was still 7 PM but it felt much later at night, “why are we
here?”
Qamila was staring at her reflection through her phone, fixing her highlighted hair with her hand,
pursing her lips as she posed a little, “I need to talk to you.”
One thing that I learned after growing closer to my siblings? Whenever they tell me that they need
to talk to me, it’s not always a bad thing. It used to be, though, but it’d lost its meaning overtime. In
recent days, it had been blocked credit cards–because they’d accidentally reached their limit when
they bought an expensive wine in Tuscany–or a job offer somewhere else that they needed to discuss
with me. It didn’t always mean bad news so I didn’t really think too much when Qamila said it.
I shrugged and leaned onto the wicker chair, “Ngomong aja. Kenapa?”
My sister ran a hand through her hair, messing it up again even though she’d exerted effort to make
it look neater, “This is serious business.”
The waitress came back with our appetizer–a plate of escargot–placed it on the table and then
walked away before I could mutter out a thank you. I grabbed a plate and the accompanying
cutleries before I nodded, “More serious than being involved in an accident at 1 AM?”
“Are you ever going to let that go?”
“Nope, probably not.” I replied with a small smile before grabbing an escargot and placing it on top
of my plate, “Besides, it brought the band back together.”
She took a deep breath before she replied, “Uh, this restaurant kinda belongs to my boyfriend.”
“That… I know.” I told her.
Even without her formally introducing me to Dierja–her boyfriend–I had already figured out his
deal way before that. I knew that he came from a traditional Balinese family that still upheld their
beliefs to an extent but his mother married down and therefore that’s why he didn’t have his family’s
honorifics in front of his name. His father’s also of Balinese descent–been a big investor on the island
ever since and had a chain of small, luxurious villas scattered all around Bali. Other than that he also
had major beach clubs, restaurants, and even bars. Dierja, suffice to say, came from a very proper
family.
Qamila didn’t have to tell me all that–it’s one of the perks of having Gazi Radhana and Hanggara
Putra as your best-friends, they know everything about everyone.
My sister raised an eyebrow, “How’d you know?”
“You stalked Thalia, am I not allowed to stalk your boyfriend?”
“Hmm… define stalk.” She narrowed her eyes at me, putting her elbows on the table and her chin on
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 top of her opened hands.
“I asked around.”
“I forgot you have connections,” she replied, “yeah… I mean… sorta.”
The waitress came by once again to put down our drinks but my mind was fixated on my sister’s
‘sorta’ to touch the cocktail that I had ordered, “What do you mean… ‘sorta’?”
She cleared her throat and tucked a few strands of her hair behind her ear, eyes focused on the juice
in front of her rather than me. I knew that there was something she wanted to say, something she
wanted to confide in me, it was important enough that she didn’t feel the need to invite Thalia to
join us. Qamila wanted it to be a conversation between 2 siblings, just like old times.
I sipped on the cocktail in front of me, letting the overwhelming sourness of the pineapple and the
burn of the alcohol enter my throat. Then when I’d just adapted to the taste of the cocktail–it’d been
a while since I drank alcohol–Qamila spoke.
“He’s my fiancé now.”
In a matter of seconds, my throat closed up as the cocktail I was sipping on went down the wrong
pipe and it felt like it would come up from my nostrils. I stood up in a matter of seconds, trying to
swallow the liquid back in–also trying to swallow in the fact that my sister was engaged–and a few
servers rushed over to us with tissues and a myriad of questions about whether or not I was
choking. After they handed me a glass of water–that I took a big gulp out of–I sat down once again,
still trying to internalize the information that my sister had just told me.
“God, pull yourself together, Mas,” she muttered out when I’d just settled down, wiping the corner of
my lips with the tissue handed to me.
A few of the other dinner patrons looked at us in bewilderment and worry and I finished the water
in the glass before I regulated my breathing and started talking again, eyes blurry with tears–wasn’t
sure it was because I was choking on the cocktail or because I was feeling touched due to Qamila’s
little announcement. So I stood up once again and rounded the table to walk towards her and
envelope her into a tight hug.
She stiffened up for a few seconds before I could feel her slowly letting her guards down, warming
up to me, “What’s this for?”
“Congratulations, Qam, I’m so happy for you.”
Happy would be an understatement–if there was a better word that I could conjure up in the
moment to perfectly describe how I felt when I heard about the news, I would’ve used it but my
mind had already gone blank at that moment. All I could feel, all I could say, all I could do was to
tell my sister that I was truly happy for her.
She placed her hand on top of mine as she brushed her thumb on the back of it, “Thank you, that’s
why I’m here.”
“Where’s the ring, then?”
I noticed that her fingers–all ten of them–were void of the one thing that would usually be used to
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symbolize that sort of commitment towards one another. I didn’t see it when she walked into my
house the day before and I didn't see it then when we were out to have dinner together.
Qamila scoffed, “Very progressive way of thinking, Mas.”
“It’s not that.” I walked back to my chair to eat the escargot that I had placed on my small plate, “I
just thought you’d like to show off the jewelry, that’s all.”
She threw an escargot into her mouth before nodding, “Yeah, it’s still in Dubai, I’m getting it fixed so
it’ll fit my finger.”
There are a thousand and one questions in my head. How did it happen? Where? When? Why didn’t
you tell me sooner? Why didn’t you invite him to dinner with us? But I knew better not to ask about
them directly, especially since I understood that my siblings and I were similar. We didn’t like to talk
a lot, we much preferred if people would just slow down sometimes. So, I swallowed down all of the
questions first, waiting for her to tell me herself.
“I—” I paused for a while to look at her, the bridge of her nose, her heart-shaped face, her full lips
before I smiled and nodded, “I’m just really happy for you.”
“You’ve said that like a thousand times by now.”
“I just want you to know that I am.”
She waved her hand in front of her face, as if swatting a fly away, “Please stop being so sentimental,
don’t make me regret telling you first.”
“First?” I raised an eyebrow, “I’m first to know.”
“Well you and Mba Thal but she doesn’t really count, I called her up as soon as Dierja asked,” Qamila
answered, “haven’t even told Ziad or Nathan or Natalie or Nanda or even…” she paused for a while to
look at the precipitation on her glass, “dad.”
“Are you planning to tell him?” I asked, taking another escargot from the plate in the middle of the
table.
Qamila pursed her lips, “I mean… I should, I think? He’s our father.”
“You don’t have to tell him if you don’t want to.” I reassure her while putting another escargot in my
mouth.
“If I don’t tell him then how am I going to fund my wedding?” She teases and I chuckle, “No but
seriously, I think I should tell him. Make him meet Dierja’s parents and all, Mama has seen them a
couple of times, Dad hasn’t.”
Nodding, I reply, “Sure, I mean he’s much more understanding now. I bet he’d be thrilled that his
first daughter is getting married.”
“Can I ask you for a favor?”
“Anything.” I answered, my gaze still focused on the plate filled with escargot in the middle of the
table as I waited for my little sister’s response. My heart still felt full—like I was about to burst like a
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 piñata—but I managed to look cool and composed in front of her.
She took a deep breath before exhaling slowly, “Can you walk me down the aisle?”
If I had been sipping on my cocktail, I knew that I would’ve choked on it again. It was the way she
said it; like she was terrified that I’d say no, she had composed herself mere moments earlier and had
managed to utter out the request. It felt calculated even and if you knew anything about
Qamila Hadi, she wasn’t a calculative person. She did things for the sake of doing them, she lived off
impulsivities, she liked the idea of unplanned meetings and trips. While I was the calculative first
child, she was the reckless and free second child—so for her to stoop on my level, to sound serious,
to sound like she’d been planning and rehearsing the question a couple of times beforehand, it made
the whole thing feel more special.
It made me feel special. That she’d asked me first. Not even our dad who supposedly was going to
fund most of the wedding. Not even Ziad, her sibling. But me. Her half-brother, her older sibling,
the brother that was there for her only when it truly mattered.
There was a forming lump in my throat and Qamila soon realized that I was about to start bawling
so she distracted me once again, “You don’t have to answer now, I’ve told Dierja about it, though. I’ve
asked Mama too and she said you’d be perfect. I don’t want Dad. I want you. Aku maunya Mas yang
ada di sana.”
“Qam I—”
She put up her hand to keep me from saying more, “Nope, no more happy talks, no more sappy talks.
That’s it.”
I nodded, “Thank you, though.”
The same waitress from before finally came to our table to place our main dishes on the table and
Qamila looked over at me behind the flame of the small candle that illuminated the table and her
tanned face. She was about to cry too and I didn’t know if it was because the food looked so delicious
or because she wasn’t expecting the conversation to feel that emotional.
She looked up at me and smiled, “Please walk me down the aisle.”
“Iya, Qamila, nanti Mas yang dampingin.”
——
“Has anybody seen my tie?” The familiar voice pipes in from the other room–his hair still a mess, the
topmost buttons of his white satin shirt still undone, his collar popped. Ziad Hadi pops his head
inside the mainroom of the penthouse, his face contorted in confusion and his outfit all over the
place. Although the man has graduated from school–and has gotten his life back together, thank you
very much–he still maintains to be the messiest sibling out of the bunch.
“Where did you put it?” Nathan asks, his eyes focused on the phone in front of him.
Ziad was the first to arrive in Bali–taking the liberty to take our father’s private plane directly from
Istanbul–3 days ago. He was jet lagged but still managed to make it to a few clubs in the evening,
almost dragging Thalia and I to them. (Thankfully, Thalia’s pregnant so we used that as an excuse).
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But even when he had the most time to prepare himself, he managed to still be the most careless out
of the bunch. His brothers–namely Nathan, Nanda, and I–have finished tidying up themselves and
he’s still in the doorframe, walking into the living room, in a quest to find the matching black Prada
tie that we’re all supposed to wear for the wedding.
Nanda–who already looks dapper in his suit–decides to stand up from the sofa in the middle of the
room to join Ziad, “Terakhir ditaruh mana?” He’s made a significant attempt at conversing in
Indonesian–all of them have–but the French accent will slip once in a while, making him sound a
little awkward when trying to talk in Indonesia.
“It was just here, I swear.” Ziad replies as he throws a couple of pillows onto the carpeted floor,
hoping that the tie will mysteriously show up underneath them.
I run a hand through my hair, “Zee, where did you put it?”
“Somewhere here, Mas, I swear.”
“Natalie will kill you if you lose it,” Nathan mutters underneath his breath, adding fuel to the fire.
Qamila initially wanted Thalia to be her maid-of-honor considering that she’s had practice
beforehand and she’s able to work under pressure–especially when it comes to weddings–but after
she said yes, she found out that she’s pregnant. She didn’t want to burden herself too much
considering that she still wanted to work full-time and she told Qam about it who was chill. I have a
lingering suspicion that she already has back-ups in case Thalia says no. And her first understudy is
our little sister, Natalie.
Now if you thought Thalia was a bossy girl–not bossy, just opinionated–you’ve probably never seen
Natalie in action.
It’s hard enough having to share a womb with a huge baby who barely even talked–Nathan–and it’s
substantially harder when you have a prodigy younger brother who’s always the center of attention
due to his achievements–Nanda–and then if her life wasn’t hard enough, trying to feel like she
mattered in the grand scheme of the family, she had to like girls. So from a very young age – I assume
–
Natalie has always lived to fight, not just survive, she’s been out there fighting actual battles.
Over the mention of Natalie’s name, Ziad throws one of the pillows to Nathan who merely chuckles,
“Don’t say her name, she’ll be here.”
“She scolded me last night because I cut my hair before the wedding, as if people would care about
my appearance at the Qamila Hadi’s wedding.” Nanda scoffs as he continues to look for the
disappearing tie near the curtains, inside the bedside table and even underneath the mattress.
“Nothing here.”
Nanda has grown to be a little bit more talkative compared to the first time we reconnected. He
likes to be involved in conversations now and has a habit of throwing in one or two jokes in the
middle of serious situations to warm up the atmosphere. Though onstage he’s still the ambitious and
cunning Nanda that we all know and love, he has managed to open up for all of us. Which is great.
Nathan, on the other hand, still remains quiet and calm, refusing to speak unless spoken to and will
only joke around with Ziad to tease him.
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 I walk towards the couch and sit down beside Nathan, feeling it dip underneath my weight and I
can’t help but to take a look at the opened tab on my brother’s screen. It’s full of writings and
sentences and it seems like Nathan is reading it under his breath–it finally dawns on me, he’s reading
his speech for tonight, prepared especially for the toast in the reception. Ziad, Nathan and Natalie
were appointed to speak by the wedding organizer. I’m not in the list as I’ve had my fair share of du-
ties (walking her down the aisle, being there for most of the meetings with the organizer, organizing
dad’s private jet schedule so all of my siblings can fly in on time).
“You okay?” I ask him.
Nathan stops and nods, “Just a little nervous.”
“What are you going to talk about?”
“Nothing much, I haven’t kept in contact with her for a while and I don’t know… I’m a little
petrified.” He exhales, “Kalo aku nggak bisa ngedeskripsiin Mba Qam dengan baik gimana?”
“What matters is that it came from the heart, Nat,” I start, “she picked you because she knows you’re
the most observant between us and I’m sure she wants you to deliver your speech because she wants
your honesty, you don’t have to sugarcoat it.”
“How much sugar should I use?” He puts his elbows on top of his thighs as he looks over at me, the
corner of his lips tugging up a little to form a side-smile.
“Maybe more than average, it’s her wedding anyways.”
Nathan nods, “Duly noted.”
Before Ziad’s able to find his tie and before I can ask Nathan if I can read the speech he’s written, the
room door bursts open and on the other side stands my little sister, Natalie, with her cheeks flushed
and her hairdo a little bit of a mess. Strands of hair are sticking on her forehead as she grips her iPad
in one arm and holds the keycard on the other hand. She lowers down the volume of her in-ear as
she enters the room, looking for some sort of silence in the middle of the overcrowded venue
outside.
“Ziad, where the hell is your tie?” Her eyes focus on Ziad who’s trying his hardest to look neat in
front of Natalie. I can see his Adam's apple bobbing as he swallows, fully understanding that he’ll be
dead in the next 5 minutes if he doesn’t find the tie soon. “Penuh banget di luar, sesek.”
“Is your maid-of-honor duty already starting?” Nanda asks as he opens the fridge and then closes it
once again when he sees that the tie isn’t in there.
Natalie walks towards the couch, throwing her body on it, “It started a year ago when Qamila
appointed me to be her maid-of-honor, little bro.”
“You could’ve said no.” It’s Nathan’s voice from beside me this time.
My sister pats down her satin pink dress as she scrolls down her iPad, checking the list of things that
she should probably recheck before the ceremony starts. We have a bit of time to settle down and
catch our breaths in the hotel room, feeling the air conditioned air on our skin, occasionally walking
towards the fridge to grab a cold drink. Once we’re out of the room, we won’t have time to rest until
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the end of the reception at night.
“Well who else was she going to pick if it’s not me?” Natalie asks as she looks at herself in the front
camera of her phone, fixing a few blemishes here and there with the tip of her finger, “Ziad?” She
asks sarcastically.
“I think I can be a decent maid-of-honor,” Ziad interjects.
“You lost your tie, Zee, how can you be responsible for this huge wedding?”
When Natalie says it’s huge then it’s huge. 2,000-ish guests–Dad even invited some of his business
partners–packed in the Bulgari Resort in Bali. Qamila likes things to be lavish and grand–an
homage to her middle-eastern heritage–so it’s a no-brainer that her wedding’s huge. To top it all off,
the Manggalas–Dierja’s family–are an old-money family in Bali with relations all over the island so
we have to be able to invite all of them as well.
“True.” Ziad agrees, “If I ever get married, I’ll probably just invite you guys.”
“You’re Arab, Zee, it’s both preposterous and a sin to have a simple wedding,” Nathan says.
“Well…” Ziad knows he’s trapped, “you’re right, fuck!”
“Di lemari udah kamu cek?” Natalie asks.
The boy still in search of his tie scoffs as he fixes his cufflinks and walks towards the closet situated
in the main bedroom, “Of course I’ve checked the closet how dumb do you think–” He pulls on the
handles and lo and behold, the missing tie is still in its original folded position in the small space,
Ziad looks over at us and grins, “My bad.”
“Dad’s here, by the way,” Natalie informs us and the room goes silent, as if the mere mention of his
presence sucks the life out of all of us, “Leila and Sahara are here too.”
“Do we call her Leila or something else?” Nanda asks, leaning against the wooden desk and taking
a bite from the freshly-delivered apple in the fruit basket, “Because it’s kinda awkward to call her a
variation of the word ‘mom’.”
“We’ve run out of variation.” Ziad states while looking at himself in the mirror and trying to fix his
tie, “I think she doesn’t want to feel old as well.”
“Because she’s technically not old she’s like what? 37?” Nathan does the calculations in his head and I
shrug. “Masih muda banget, Zee.”
“Did Dad say anything?” Nanda asks, mouth filled with apples.
“Nope, he’s in the restaurant right now, I think.”
“Is he staying here tonight?” I ask. Although my dad has made attempts to be in all of our lives, we’re
still not comfortable enough to converse with him on a daily basis. Most of the time our topics will
still be around business and or my marriage. Our last phone call happened when I wanted to tell him
that Thalia’s pregnant. That was it.
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 Natalie shakes her head, “No, helicopter’s taking him to the airport at 11 PM where his jet will be
refueled and ready to go to Dubai.”
“Well at least he’s staying for the reception,” I state, “he didn’t stay for mine.”
“Because Leila and Sahara weren’t there and did you even want him to stay?”
I shake my head, “Nah, it was private anyways, this time it’s different because he has to impress a lot
of people.”
“Yeah.” Natalie answers, still scrolling through the checklist on her iPad, “Where’s Mba Thal?”
“Downstairs with my mom, I think.”
I love Thalia and if someone asks me to list down all of the things that I love about her then I will
never be able to do it because the Earth will have to end before I’m finished talking about all of them
in detail. But I think one of the things that I love the most about her is her understanding towards
me. She knows that today is all about Qamila and all about my siblings; because even though
Qamila’s getting married, her anxiety is infectious and every one of us is feeling it right now in the
room. So even though Thalia also needs extra attention due to the fetus developing inside her body,
she knows that I will have to give my undivided attention to the bride–and all of her half-siblings.
It’s a day orchestrated by Qamila but it’s also a day for her. She’s always loved the idea of marriage–
that, I know–and I know she loves being the center of attention and to have a day where everybody
will talk about her only? That’s her absolute dream. I think it hasn’t entirely hit me yet, the idea that
my little sister is getting married. It hasn’t hit me yet until the main door opens once again but
rather than revealing my little sister with her pink tailored made-of-honor dress, this time it reveals
my other little sister with her Tex Saverio bridal ball gown and handmade veil.
“Qam.” I stand up instinctively, thinking that there’s been some kind of emergency because why is
the bride suddenly entering her siblings’ hotel room an hour before the ceremony is about to start.
In the end I’m just a man and although I’ve seen my fair share of beautiful wedding gowns–I’ll never
be able to get over how gorgeous Thalia looked in hers–it’s challenging to talk about how Qamila
looks in hers because she looks nothing short of perfect. Her hair isn’t highlighted anymore, it’s
become its natural deep brown color as it’s swept up in an elegant bun. The wedding dress is huge
and intricate, with little hand sewn details all over the place with swarovski crystals here and there
to give it a more expensive look. It’s both strapless and backless and the veil flows onto the floor like
a waterfall, pooling behind her as she takes a few steps into the room.
“Qam you look–” I try to find the right word but my heart feels like it’s bursting–both from joy and
excitement–and I can only settle with, “beautiful.”
“Cantik banget, Q,” Ziad comments.
“You tidy yourself well, Qam,” Nanda adds.
Natalie walks towards Qamila, beads of sweat visible on her back as she tries to maneuver around
the dress. I look to the bottom right of my vision–to where Nathan’s sitting–and his head is twisted
so that he can look at the bride. He’s the only one that hasn’t said anything about her looks but he
doesn’t need to, the glassiness of his eyes is enough to communicate how he’s feeling.
18
“Nathan, don’t cry because I’m about to fucking cry if you do.” Qamila notices the way our brother’s
eyes are welling up in tears and he looks up in an attempt to stop them from falling.
Ziad looks over at him and his nose turns a bright red–it only turns that shade when he’s either
drunk or about to cry and it’s 8 AM so I know he’s not drunk–before he pinches it and looks away,
“Nathan anjing banget dah gue jadi pengen nangis juga.”
“Kenapa jadi salahin gue dah? It’s not my fault I’m emotional!” Nathan protests as he swipes his
cheeks in frustration, probably because he doesn’t expect himself to fall apart that soon.
“Awh, Nathan, come here.”
Nathan stands up from the couch and walks towards Qamila, tiptoeing around the edges of her
dress because he doesn’t want to mess it up. Qam wipes the tears away from his cheeks as her eyes
start welling up as well. Even though they don’t talk a lot–because Nathan doesn’t talk a lot–I know
Qamila loves being around him. He’s the perfect contrast of her and Ziad–while Nathan’s quiet,
they’re loud; while Nathan loves staying under-the-radar and loves to keep his life lowkey, they love
flaunting around what they have and while Nathan’s affectionate in his own non-verbal way, they
like showing their love through their words and assurances. I know Qamila loves Nathan because
he’s everything Ziad’s not but above all else, he’s also everything Ziad is. He’s kind, he’s patient, he’s
smart in his own way. Though Qamila finds solace in him because he’s the sibling she didn’t have for
the first 20-something years of her life, she likes the way they’re able to connect despite not having
many things in common.
And Nathan loves her because of that too. Because despite his mother’s sins and mistakes, Qamila
is still able to find the good in him, Qamila is still able to fly to the UK once in a while to visit him
and accompany him stroll around Brighton; despite his mother’s mistakes, Qamila is still able to call
him up in the middle of the night and ask him if he wants to deliver a speech in the most important
event of her life.
That’s all the three kids of Gita Erlambang need: acceptance. Total, unconditional acceptance.
They got it from Qamila. (And Ziad and I). But mostly Qamila.
That’s why the three of them have become a sobbing mess in the middle of the living area of the
hotel room, that’s why Natalie has excused herself to go to the bathroom and fix her makeup, that’s
why Nanda’s more interested on the curtains rather than the conversation going on in the room.
“Man, why is everyone crying?” Ziad questions, “It hasn’t even started yet.”
“Because Leila and Sahara weren’t there and did you even want him to stay?”
I shake my head, “Nah, it was private anyways, this time it’s different because he has to impress a lot
of people.”
“Yeah.” Natalie answers, still scrolling through the checklist on her iPad, “Where’s Mba Thal?”
“Downstairs with my mom, I think.”
I love Thalia and if someone asks me to list down all of the things that I love about her then I will
never be able to do it because the Earth will have to end before I’m finished talking about all of them
in detail. But I think one of the things that I love the most about her is her understanding towards
me. She knows that today is all about Qamila and all about my siblings; because even though Qami-
19
 “Because Leila and Sahara weren’t there and did you even want him to stay?”
I shake my head, “Nah, it was private anyways, this time it’s different because he has to impress a lot
of people.”
“Yeah.” Natalie answers, still scrolling through the checklist on her iPad, “Where’s Mba Thal?”
“Downstairs with my mom, I think.”
I love Thalia and if someone asks me to list down all of the things that I love about her then I will
never be able to do it because the Earth will have to end before I’m finished talking about all of them
in detail. But I think one of the things that I love the most about her is her understanding towards
me. She knows that today is all about Qamila and all about my siblings; because even though Qami-
la’s getting married, her anxiety is infectious and every one of us is feeling it right now in the room.
So even though Thalia also needs extra attention due to the fetus developing inside her body, she
knows that I will have to give my undivided attention to the bride–and all of her half-siblings.
It’s a day orchestrated by Qamila but it’s also a day for her. She’s always loved the idea of marriage–
that, I know–and I know she loves being the center of attention and to have a day where everybody
will talk about her only? That’s her absolute dream. I think it hasn’t entirely hit me yet, the idea that
my little sister is getting married. It hasn’t hit me yet until the main door opens once again but rath-
er than revealing my little sister with her pink tailored made-of-honor dress, this time it reveals my
other little sister with her Tex Saverio bridal ball gown and handmade veil.
“Qam.” I stand up instinctively, thinking that there’s been some kind of emergency because why is
the bride suddenly entering her siblings’ hotel room an hour before the ceremony is about to start.
In the end I’m just a man and although I’ve seen my fair share of beautiful wedding gowns–I’ll never
be able to get over how gorgeous Thalia looked in hers–it’s challenging to talk about how Qamila
looks in hers because she looks nothing short of perfect. Her hair isn’t highlighted anymore, it’s be-
come its natural deep brown color as it’s swept up in an elegant bun. The wedding dress is huge and
intricate, with little hand sewn details all over the place with swarovski crystals here and there to
give it a more expensive look. It’s both strapless and backless and the veil flows onto the floor like a
waterfall, pooling behind her as she takes a few steps into the room.
“Qam you look–” I try to find the right word but my heart feels like it’s bursting–both from joy and
excitement–and I can only settle with, “beautiful.”
“Cantik banget, Q,” Ziad comments.
“You tidy yourself well, Qam,” Nanda adds.
Natalie walks towards Qamila, beads of sweat visible on her back as she tries to maneuver around
the dress. I look to the bottom right of my vision–to where Nathan’s sitting–and his head is twisted
so that he can look at the bride. He’s the only one that hasn’t said anything about her looks but he
doesn’t need to, the glassiness of his eyes is enough to communicate how he’s feeling.
“Nathan, don’t cry because I’m about to fucking cry if you do.” Qamila notices the way our brother’s
eyes are welling up in tears and he looks up in an attempt to stop them from falling.
Ziad looks over at him and his nose turns a bright red–it only turns that shade when he’s either
20
drunk or about to cry and it’s 8 AM so I know he’s not drunk–before he pinches it and looks away,
“Nathan anjing banget dah gue jadi pengen nangis juga.”
“Kenapa jadi salahin gue dah? It’s not my fault I’m emotional!” Nathan protests as he swipes his
cheeks in frustration, probably because he doesn’t expect himself to fall apart that soon.
“Awh, Nathan, come here.”
Nathan stands up from the couch and walks towards Qamila, tiptoeing around the edges of her
dress because he doesn’t want to mess it up. Qam wipes the tears away from his cheeks as her eyes
start welling up as well. Even though they don’t talk a lot–because Nathan doesn’t talk a lot–I know
Qamila loves being around him. He’s the perfect contrast of her and Ziad–while Nathan’s quiet,
they’re loud; while Nathan loves staying under-the-radar and loves to keep his life lowkey, they love
flaunting around what they have and while Nathan’s affectionate in his own non-verbal way, they
like showing their love through their words and assurances. I know Qamila loves Nathan because
he’s everything Ziad’s not but above all else, he’s also everything Ziad is. He’s kind, he’s patient, he’s
smart in his own way. Though Qamila finds solace in him because he’s the sibling she didn’t have for
the first 20-something years of her life, she likes the way they’re able to connect despite not having
many things in common.
And Nathan loves her because of that too. Because despite his mother’s sins and mistakes, Qamila
is still able to find the good in him, Qamila is still able to fly to the UK once in a while to visit him
and accompany him stroll around Brighton; despite his mother’s mistakes, Qamila is still able to call
him up in the middle of the night and ask him if he wants to deliver a speech in the most important
event of her life.
That’s all the three kids of Gita Erlambang need: acceptance. Total, unconditional acceptance.
They got it from Qamila. (And Ziad and I). But mostly Qamila.
That’s why the three of them have become a sobbing mess in the middle of the living area of the
hotel room, that’s why Natalie has excused herself to go to the bathroom and fix her makeup, that’s
why Nanda’s more interested on the curtains rather than the conversation going on in the room.
“Man, why is everyone crying?” Ziad questions, “It hasn’t even started yet.”
“It’s an emotional time,” Natalie retorts as-a-matter-of-factly; she’s been the one helping Qamila
prepare all this time, I can only imagine how tired she is from it.
“Wish I could hug all of you right now but this damn wedding dress is constricting my movements.”
Qamila says as she attempts to pick up her dress to no avail–it’s probably very heavy from the looks
of it.
I walk towards my siblings and smile. At times like these, I feel like I’m their older brother, their
anchor, their gravity, the thing that keeps them grounded. I don’t usually put myself on a high
pedestal–self-flattery is something that I should keep working on–but when I’m around my siblings,
I can feel it. I understand why they look up to me, why they need me, why Thalia feels very
comfortable around me as well. Because at a time like this, I’m able to be the one who remains calm
and composed, who hasn’t shown the biggest emotions amongst all of us.
Qamila looks up at me, her gaze falling on mine as she takes a deep breath and smiles.
21
 “You ready?”
“If I bail out now, how much money do you think Dad will lose?”
“Lots.” I smile. My father and I are the only ones who know just how much money was spent on this
wedding–he won’t tell Qamila nor Dierja.
“Okay.” Qamila nods, “I think I’m ready.”
“Good.” I place my hand on her shoulders, giving it a light assuring squeeze. “I’m ready if you are.”
***
The chapel was stunning the first time Qamila, Natalie and I came by to visit some of our wedding
venue choices. It was also shortlisted on mine and Thalia’s but we decided that it’d be a bit excessive
considering we only invited around 200 people. We wanted things to be simple; a contrast with how
Qamila wants her wedding to be. Her grandfather even took the liberty to take a few days off work
just so he can attend–something he doesn’t do often.
But now, when the chapel’s fully decorated to the theme and the chairs are already filled to the brim
with the guests chattering and catching up with each other, it looks even livelier. There are white
rose petals all over the floor, the natural lighting that floods the space makes it even feel warmer and
I can’t get over the beautiful view that the floor-to-ceiling windows are able to give us. At the end of
the aisle stands Dierja alongside his best-man as he fixes his cufflinks out of nerves and smiles
politely when our eyes meet.
We don’t talk that often despite living on the same island. We’re both pretty busy people so we only
meet once in a while if Qamila needed to check up on a venue or if she invited us to dinner together.
I can count on one hand how many times I’ve talked to Dierja the past year and even when our
meetings are short, I can assume that he’s a good man. It’s easy to spot assholes if you’ve been one
yourself.
I send Dierja a small nod before turning on my heels and walking towards where Qamila is trying to
regulate her breaths–either from the nerves or from the weight of the dress that she’s wearing–and I
stand in front of her. Even when she’s wearing several-inches of heels, she’s still a bit shorter than me.
She’s gripping her bouquet that’s filled with lilies and dahlias and even in an air-conditioned room, I
can see the sweat on her forehead.
“You okay, Qam?”
“I’m nervous, that’s all.” She replies, her eyes focused on the small slit of the door beside us–looking
over at the aisle that she’ll have to walk down on in a few minutes. “Were you nervous before you got
married?”
It’s been a year since I did and to say that I was nervous would be an understatement. I couldn’t stop
turning and tossing the night before, even had some melatonin pills to help me sleep but to no avail
so in the end I gave up on sleeping and watched reruns of Criminal Minds instead. It was challenging
to shrug off all the overthinking considering how scared I was–and still am–that I’d become just like
my father. Thinking that I’ll eventually end up like him, underestimating the sanctity of marriage,
finding more and more ways to fill the void inside of me. But in the end I try to remind myself that
even though the blood in my veins is the same blood that runs through my father’s; we are not the
same person and we will never be the same person.
22
I nod in response to my sister’s question, “Yeah, very.”
“How’d you get over the nerves?”
I peek through the slit in between the wooden doors, trying to catch a glimpse of the woman I’m
married to. Our matching silver ring around my finger feels assuring, feels calm, feels like a constant
that I’m getting used to. It’s like going to the beach and getting used to the sound of the waves
hitting shore every few seconds, understanding that it’s just the way the moon’s gravity works, it’s
just the way it is. Knowing that the Earth revolves around the sun, knowing that the Earth rotates at
a tilted axis, knowing that we’re able to not float around due to the existence of gravity.
Because it's an unwritten law.
Thalia sits beside my mother in the front row, in the middle of a chaos–if I do say so myself–since
my father sits on her left with Leila and Sahara. But Thalia is Thalia so she’s able to control the
situation, hold the reins, and wear the pants. My heart grows softer at the sight of her in her sage
green dress with her curled long-black hair and minimal makeup, talking about something with my
mom as her hand protectively sits on top of her baby bump.
The ring around my finger and my commitment towards her now doesn’t feel like a burden–never
has been–it feels like it’s one of Earth’s unwritten laws. We just are meant to meet. It just is.
“I saw Thalia walking down the aisle and I just knew I had nothing to worry about.” I reassure my
little sister, “And you have nothing to worry about, Qam, Dierja’s great.”
“It’s not him I’m worried about.”
It dawns on me that her worries are the same as mine–the idea that we may have our father’s
commitment issues running through our veins–and if I could, I probably would already have my
hand on her head to tell her that she doesn’t have to lose sleep over that but I don’t want to risk
messing up her hair so I smile.
“You don’t have to worry about that either. We don’t have to pay for our father’s sins.” I tell her–the
same phrase that Nathan used the first time we all met each other again 3 years earlier, the same
phrase that I also used to assure all of my siblings. This time I’m using it to tell Qamila that it’s nor-
mal to feel terrified over the prospect of turning into our father but it doesn’t mean that we will be
like him. “I was scared of that too but look at me now.”
Qamila chuckles, “Okay, I think I’m ready.”
“Together?” I offer my arm for her to hold and she smiles.
“Together.”
She interlocks her arm with mine and I give a little nod to the wedding organizer on our left before
the music from inside the chapel starts and the doors in front of us open. All eyes are set on us in
an instant and the guests all have the same facial expression–happy, excited, touched–as we start to
walk down the aisle together. There’s no one singular emotion that I feel all throughout walking my
sister down the aisle, it’s all a mixture of various different emotions, all happy.
23
 When we reach the end of the aisle, I throw a smile towards my mom and Thalia–who throws me
one back–and then my attention is brought back to my sister once again. Dierja’s already a crying
mess at this point and as we walk up the small stage, I nod towards the priest before looking over at
Qamila.

Our eyes meet and I can feel a lump starting to form in my throat as I grasp the edge of her veil and
open it for her, she looks up at me expectantly, knowing that I’m about to say something to her. In
the end I know I’ll choke up if I say anything so I place a small kiss on her cheek before nodding at
her. Even without telling her the words inside my mind verbally, I know she knows what I want to
say and we’ve already communicated it through all the small talks we’ve had this morning. Qamila
gives me a small smile, the same smile that I usually see whenever I look into the mirror, and I nod.

She lets go of my arm and I walk towards my chair, beside Thalia and my father, before sitting down
and looking up.

Thalia hands me a piece of tissue, “Don’t cry yet, Mas.”

“I won’t.”

Qamila looks up into Dierja’s eyes and the priest starts his speech. But before that, Qamila looks
behind her and our eyes meet. The same Qamila, the same expectant gaze, the same soft stare as 3
years ago when I raced to the hospital to learn about her condition after the accident.

But this time, there’s a warmth that accompanies her stare–something that was absent the first time
we met in that February.

This time, rather than me assuring her that it’ll all be okay, it’s the complete opposite. While I was
too preoccupied with the idea that I’ve been the person keeping my siblings and I together this
morning, I just realize now that Qam’s been the one keeping me in check because she knows this is
heavy for me too. All this time, she doesn’t need me, she knows that I need someone to lean on to.

She stayed with me in Indonesia in 2021 when I first met Thalia and was trying to get over my
break-up, her being there for me when I prepared for my wedding because she knew how nerve
wracking it was, her making trips to Bali in order to keep me grounded and in check after I got
married. All this time I thought that I was her support system but I think it’s the other way around.
My sister’s been there for me all this time.

In the end, even when she’s up there with her expensive wedding gown, perfect makeup, tall high
heels and looking so different from the very first time my father made us meet each other, she is still
my little sister.

She will always be my little sister.

24 25
26 27
 Nobody Likes Turbulence
A S TO RY BY D E A N

GA Z I

H anya perlu satu panggilan telepon—yang bahkan tak mencapai tiga menit—untuk membuat
lutut Gazi Radhana lemas sempurna. Setiap adegan film dengan efek slow motion yang di
dramatisir, ia merasakannya detik ini. Kepalanya masih penuh dengan kombinasi kata pingsan,
rumah sakit dan Maiko. Otaknya—yang selalu dielukan sebagai pencetus ide-ide cemerlang—
mendadak berhenti bekerja; disfungsi; mati total. Anak semata wayangnya, Maiko, dilarikan ke
rumah sakit, istrinya— si pengambil keputusan handal when it comes to urusan rumah tangga dan
segala hal domestik—baru 5 jam yang lalu berangkat untuk melakukan business trip selama satu
pekan penuh. Dunianya benar-benar seperti diputar 180°.

Hal pertama yang ia lakukan—setelah panggilan telepon dari teman Maiko ditutup—adalah
menelpon supir pribadinya walaupun kata yang keluar dari bibirnya tak begitu jelas, tapi rasanya
cukup untuk membuat lawan bicaranya paham dengan apa yang ia maksud karena tak sampai 5
menit mobil pribadinya sudah terpampang di lobi, menunggunya keluar dari kantor. Ia memberikan
alamat rumah sakit yang baru saja ia terima lewat pesan singkatnya dengan teman Maiko ke supir
pribadinya. Gazi mencoba menenangkan diri di bangku belakang. Ia mencoba segala cara dari mulai
melatih pernafasan, mendengarkan melodi-melodi yang menenangkan, hingga melafalkan segala
macam doa yang ia ketahui, namun tidak ada satu pun yang dapat menghilangkan kegusarannya.
Setiap matanya terpejam yang muncul pertama di benaknya adalah rintihan Maiko menahan
sakitnya. Ini bukan kali pertama anak semata wayangnya dilarikan ke rumah sakit perkara asam
lambung, tapi ini jelas momen pertama di mana putrinya sampai pingsan, dan kini ia harus
menangani semuanya tanpa Kaia di sampingnya. Kepalanya benar-benar terasa penuh dan hampir
pecah memikirkan segala kemungkinan terburuk yang dapat terjadi pada Maiko.

Kaki jenjangnya langsung berlari menuju instalasi gawat darurat begitu mobilnya mencapai bibir
gerbang rumah sakit. Tangannya dingin dan ia yakin wajahnya pasti sudah pucat pasi. Gazi
sebenarnya sudah mendapatkan kabar terkini perihal perkembangan Maiko lewat temannya. Dari
pesan terakhirnya Gazi tahu bahwa putrinya baru saja mendapat injeksi untuk meredakan sakit pada
lambungnya. Namun hatinya masih gusar lantaran ia belum melihat langsung keadaan Maiko dengan
mata kepalanya sendiri.

Sesampainya di depan instalasi gawat darurat, perawat yang bertugas langsung menanyakan
namanya, pasien yang hendak dituju dan hubungannya dengan pasien. Setelahnya Gazi diantar
menuju bilik ketiga dari pintu masuk. Perawat yang dari tadi mendampinginya membukakan tirai
yang mengelilingi bilik tersebut. Detik berikutnya ia dapat melihat Maiko terbaring pada ranjang
rumah sakit, selang infus terpasang di tangan kanannya, pandangannya yang mengawang langsung
terfokus padanya ketika tirai dibuka.

“Hi, Dad.”

Gazi menggelengkan kepalanya. Bisa-bisanya Maiko menyapanya dengan tenang setelah

membuatnya kalut tidak karuan. That 30 minutes journey to the hospital was indeed the longest trip

28 29
 he ever experienced. Yet his daughter can still shoot him a smile. Maiko Radhana is indeed one of a
kind.
“What happened?”
Alis putrinya berkerut, “What do you mean?”
“Sweetheart, I’m serious.”
“I’m serious too. Nothing happened, Dad. You need to chill a little.”
Gazi exhales sharply. Putrinya benar-benar mewarisi tabiatnya dan Kaia; keras kepala. Beruntung
dokter yang menangani putrinya datang tak lama setelahnya. Gazi, lalu, menepi untuk mendengar
diagnosa dari dokter secara utuh. Ia lalu menyelesaikan masalah administratif rumah sakit dan
mengucapkan terima kasih pada teman Maiko, Esther, yang mengantarnya ke rumah sakit.
Gazi kembali ke bilik Maiko beristirahat dan menatapnya lekat.
“The doctor has told me about your diagnosis and all, but I still want to hear from you. Kok bisa
sampai passed out?”
“I didn’t pass out. It’s just, you know, basic GERD thing. Can we talk about something else? Like
how much I crave for Hainan chicken right now. I kinda miss the one that we used to eat in
Singapore, but, too bad, we can’t go there now. So, let’s just order it from that Chinese restaurant
near our place. Can we go home and order Hainan chicken now?”
“First, you are not eating Hainan chicken, not until we get the list of what you can and cannot eat.
Second, you are not coming home today. We are staying here for further observation.”
Maiko meletakkan satu telapak tangan di pelipisnya, “God! I am fine. I’ve gotten my injection;
everything is under control.”
“Maiko, please, I am not in the mood to have a heated debate right now besides you are clearly not
in your best state. It doesn’t take a genius to see that you are not okay. I almost fainted when I heard
the news and I cannot risk any more bad news when your mom isn’t around. So, please, help me out,
just this once.”
Maiko memijat pelipisnya berulang kali.
“Sweetheart, I know how strong you are, you are my daughter. I witnessed how strong and i
ndependent you are my whole life. But we need to do further observation for your GERD, okay? Just
for one day or two, and that’s it.”
“Okay. But do me a favour. Please don’t tell mom about all this. I don’t want her to worry about
anything because I truly am okay.”
Ia mengangguk tanda setuju.
Kaia will be super angry if she finds out about this, but what else can he do? This is his best attempt
to make his stubborn daughter stay and to minimize all the crazy things that his daughter is capable
of doing becoming reality. That less than 3 minutes phone call was enough. It was enough to prove
that Gazi Radhana is no superman; it was enough to prove that his strong built and his smart brain
30
were nothing when it comes to saving his loved one.
***
M A IKO
Yang orang nggak tau dan nggak perlu tau dari kejadian hari ini adalah fakta bahwa gue, Maiko
Radhana, passed out due to stressing out and it all started with a stupid heartbreak. Fakta yang
sampai saat ini belum bisa gue terima, fakta yang kehadirannya logika gue tolak mentah-mentah,
fakta yang gue coba labeli sebagai kebohongan berkali-kali di kepala. But fact is a fact, it speaks
truth and even if my head’s declined it for a hundred times, it can always find another way to appear
to the surface. Maka ketika kepala gue gagal menerima fakta bahwa gue patah hati, badan gue
akhirnya dengan sukarela mentranslasi perasaan yang masih dalam bentuk abstraksi itu menjadi
sebuah tindakan nyata; hilang kesadaran.
Hampir dua minggu gue menjalani hidup selayaknya orang normal, bertindak seolah gue biasa aja;
seolah gue nggak habis diputusin lewat sambungan telepon dengan durasi kurang dari lima menit
dan masih harus melanjutkan membaca puluhan artikel ilmiah tentang ekonomi dan bisnis demi
menyelesaikan sebuah case analysis yang deadline-nya sisa 3 jam. Jangankan untuk nangis, gue
bahkan gak punya cukup waktu untuk memproses bahwa hubungan gue yang (harusnya) genap satu
tahun bulan depan kandas dalam hitungan menit.
I used to think that El—my stupid ex— is the one. We were connected in so many different ways. He
understood me like no else before, we’ve shared the same passion, valued the same principle,
everything’s perfect. Even for once I foolishly think that happily ever after could exist. But guess
what? It’s not because if it’s real I will not be here; lying in a hospital bed, fingers twirling the IV
drip while contemplating all my life decisions. What a hopeless girl. I should’ve known better; I
should’ve known that no one can really handle my turbulent heart.
“Maiko, could you please stop doing that?”
“Doing what?”
“Maiko sweetheart, you know what I’m talking about. Please, stop.”
Tangan gue akhirnya berhenti memilin selang infus dan mulai memegang benda-benda lain yang
dapat jari-jari gue jangkau.
“You’re not sleepy?”
“No… You should’ve told them to give me morphine or something similar.”
“Morphine?” He looks at me in disbelief. “I am sorry to break it to you, young lady, you are a
Radhana not an Escobar. I cannot ask people to inject you with morphine or its friends. We are here
to observe your GERD, remember?”
I laugh at his remark. “Okay. So, what does a Radhana do to kill time?”
“I don’t know. Something normal.”
“And getting high is not normal?”
“I am not saying anything without my lawyer next to me. By my lawyer, I mean your mom. If you
31
 wanna know my answer you can call her.”
I give her a thumb-down gesture. “You are no fun.”
“So, this is what you’ll get if you send your kid abroad, huh?”
I chuckle. My old man is funny.
His gaze is now on his phone screen, reading (I bet) tech articles or anything related to that. He is
such a dork and an open book.
“Dad, can I ask you what-if question?”
“Sure.”
Matanya masih terpaku pada bacaannya, tapi gue tau fokusnya mulai terpecah ke pertanyaan gue. It’s
so easy to read his body language.
“What if—”
Ia mematikan device-nya dan mengalihkan pandangannya ke arah gue, “What?”
“Nothing,” ujar gue seraya memberikannya senyuman jahil.
He rolls his eyes. “Maiko, are you being serious right now?”
I laugh looking at his annoyed expression. He is one of the most patient persons I’ve ever met,
perhaps, ever exist on earth, but I think everyone has their limit.
“Okay, okay. Sorry.”
“I am so ready to answer your question. What is it?”
“Okay. Umm… What if I decide to be alone my whole life?”
***
GA ZI
Maiko’s question caught him off guard. Gazi selalu menganggap dirinya individu yang cukup
visioner. Riset marketnya tentang perkembangan teknologi selalu dua langkah di depan. Tapi setelah
pertanyaan Maiko, ia paham bahwa tak semua hal dapat ia prediksi dan kehidupan asmara serta
pilihan hidup putrinya masuk ke dalam daftar hal yang berada di luar cakupannya.
Gazi masih ingat betul bagaimana ia menahan tangis ketika merayakan ulang tahun Maiko yang
ke-17, melihatnya mendapat kartu identitas membuatnya merasa begitu emosional. Ia juga masih
ingat betapa kesal dirinya saat mendengar Maiko memiliki kekasih, yang membuat Kaia misuh dan
berakhir menasehatinya selama satu jam penuh karena menurutnya ia terlalu berlebihan dalam
menanggapi hubungan cinta putrinya. Pun masih jelas di kepalanya betapa ia merasa sangat
kewalahan dengan perasaannya sendiri melihat Maiko meniup 21 lilin yang bertengger di kue ulang
tahunnya beberapa bulan lalu. Time flies, no, it’s skyrocketing. His little princess isn’t so little
anymore and he is not ready to accept that fact. Truth is he will never be ready.
32
Maiko menatapnya, menunggu jawabannya. Di lain sisi, kepalanya penuh dengan berbagai macam
tanggapan, berbagai macam reaksi, namun tidak ada satu pun yang mampu untuk keluar menjadi
sebuah kalimat utuh dan koheren. Ia tak menyangka pertanyaan ini akan keluar dari bibir putrinya.
Pertanyaan tentang pasangan dan masa depan. Pertanyaan yang ia rasa akan membuat seluruh orang
tua mendadak jadi orang linglung, atau setidaknya itu yang terjadi padanya. Rasanya ia ingin
menggunakan opsi call a friend seperti di acara quiz televisi dan menelpon sahabat-sahabatnya
untuk merundingkan jawaban yang paling tepat untuk pertanyaan putrinya.
“You said you were ready,” ujar Maiko memecah hening.
“That one was tough, wasn’t it?” tanyanya lagi
Gazi menghela nafas dan menatap putrinya tepat di manik matanya.
“You did catch me off guard. I didn’t expect that kind of question would come out. It’s just—it’s
weird.”
Maiko menaikkan satu alisnya.
“It’s not the question that’s weird, it’s just me. That question made me realize that you’ve grown up.
You are a full-grown woman; you’ve reached the part where you can make big decisions for yourself
and I realize that I will no longer get a question like ‘do you think unicorns exist?’. You’ll come to me
asking this kind of question and perhaps around six ten years from now you won’t ask me questions
anymore. It hits me hard.”
“Why are you being like this? I feel sad now.”
Gazi dapat melihat sorot mata Maiko berubah sayu.
“I am sad, too. But I will support you. That’s the answer for your question; I will support you and
your decision.”
“Why?”
Gazi melipat tangannya di dada dan mencondongkan badannya ke arah Maiko.
“You still need to ask me why?”
“I just want to know your reason other than you are my father.”
“Sweetheart, I always believe that every decision you’ve made, you are making and you’ll make pasti
ngelewatin proses yang panjang. I know exactly who you are. My Maiko will not make careless
decisions. So, whatever your decision is, I will try to support you. No matter how contradicting it
is with my principle, I’ll still try to listen to your reasoning and understand it. I am team Maiko,
always.”
She looks at him, eyes full with hesitancy. “Really? I mean, will you be okay not walking me down the
aisle? Will you be okay listening to people gossiping about how picky your daughter is and spreading
rumours from A to Z?”
“Will you be happy?”
33
 “Did you mean will I be happy being alone?”
Ia mengangguk.
“I guess.”
“Then I am okay with everything that you’ve stated before. Screw people’s opinions. People will
always talk shit about other people. If there are people who oppose your decision later, then I will
stand right next to you. I know that you can fight for yourself, but two people can fight better,
right?”
“Oh! And if our family doesn’t really understand your decision then I will be your spokesperson. I
am good at persuading people. I won your grandparents’ heart, a solid proof of how great my
persuasion skill can be.”
Gazi dapat melihat putrinya mengerjap berkali-kali berusaha menahan air mata jatuh dari matanya.
That’s the thing about Maiko, she refuses to cry no matter how hard her situation is. Dulu ketika
Maiko masih remaja ia sering mendapatinya mengeluh tentang kehidupan asmaranya atau tentang
hal-hal kecil seputar sekolah dan tak jarang putrinya melontarkan kalimat keluhan seperti ‘I feel
like crying’ atau ‘Jangan ganggu. I just want to curl up in my bed and cry’ tapi tak pernah sekalipun
ia melihat putrinya benar-benar menangis. Dan tak dapat dipungkiri hal itu kadang membuatnya
khawatir.
Gazi mengusap kepala putrinya dan menatapnya lamat-lamat, “You can cry if you want to. I won’t
laugh.”
She smiles and pinches his cheek, “No, thanks. I am not taking your cry-baby predicate, Dad.”
“Being a feeler is not a sin.”
“Siapa juga yang bilang dosa?”
Gazi rolls his eyes. He can never really beat her in an argument.
“Since you’ve asked me a question, I think it’s my turn to ask you.”
“That’s not how it works, Dad. But, okay.”
“Why do you want to be alone your whole life?”
***
MA I KO
Why do you want to be alone your whole life?
Pertanyaan yang juga gue tanyakan pada diri gue sendiri. I know that question will come out. I
expect it. That’s why I smile right after he asked the question. Permasalahannya adalah gue gak
mampu untuk ngasih jawaban yang konkrit. Gue cuma tau satu hal yang pasti; setelah hubungan gue
dan El kandas begitu saja dalam satu sambungan telepon, gue merasa gue gak mampu untuk
mempercayakan hidup gue ke siapapun selain diri gue sendiri. Maka dari itu gue cuma bisa
mengedikkan bahu untuk menjawab pertanyaan bapak.
34
“Just a disclaimer, I’ll still support your decision. But, to be completely honest, it’s a little bit
terrifying. Just a tiny bit. I mean, imagining you to be all alone it kinda terrifies me. But, if you are
happy with that, what can I do? I’ll be a bad guy if I ask you to do things that you don’t want to.
Besides, I am sure you know what’s best for you. I just want to know your reason, so I can
understand it better. I know you said that it’s a what-if question, but I guess that decision ever
crossed your mind before, right?”
Gue menghela nafas panjang.
“Yes. I just—I don’t know, Dad. I don’t think I can trust anyone with my life. I don’t think people can
understand me completely like I understand myself and I am not sure that my love will be enough to
keep people around me my whole life.”
“Hey why would you say that? Did your boyfriend do something bad to you?”
Lagi-lagi gue hanya bisa tersenyum, “Ex-boyfriend. We broke up weeks ago.”
“Well, that brat doesn’t deserve you.”
“But you said you like him.”
“I did say that? When? I don’t remember.”
“God! You are so petty, Dad.”
He chuckles, “Whatever. All I know is that shortie is not worth it.”
“Hey! He is pretty tall.”
“He’s shorter than me, so?”
I snort, “Everyone’s a shortie if we compare it to you.”
“Not everyone. And why are you still defending that brat?”
“I am not defending him. It’s just you need to stop calling my exes shortie.”
Which I know will never happen. My dad is always so supportive of me—too supportive,
sometimes—and that’s why he always shades my exes whenever he knows that we’ve broken up. I
don’t know why he is so petty to them after we end things when he used to be so nice when we were
still together.
“Why did you two break up?”
“Am I being interrogated now?”
“Yes. Can’t you see my badge? I am officer Radhana from NYPD.”
He points to a non-existent badge on his left chest which makes me laugh, hard. I wish forever to
really exist; thus, I can spend my entire life laughing at his actually-not-so-funny jokes.
35
 “Did he cheat on you?”
“No. I guess, no. He only said that it’s hard for him to stay with me when I am mostly unavailable
and the distance sort of makes it twice harder for us or more like for him because I thought we were
okay. I thought we could make it through. But I guess he doesn’t think that way.”
“So, he broke up with you when you’re here? Over what? Text?”
“He’s not that bad. He broke up with me over the phone.”
“Fuck. Sorry. Don’t tell your mom that I cursed in front of you. But, fuck him. That doesn’t make
things any better. What a sore loser.”
“Dad, you know that you’re going overboard, right?”
“He deserves all the shades. So, that sore loser is the one that makes you feel this way? He is the
reason why you suddenly think that you are better off alone?”
“Maybe. Maybe not. I don’t know. It’s just—it’s complicated.”
“Hey you don’t have to think about all these now. And for what it’s worth, he is not worthy of your
time at all.”
Gue tau bapak bakal bilang gitu dan gue yakin tanggapan semua orang kurang lebih akan sama
dengan kalimat yang baru bapak lontarkan. I also know that I deserve better. I know it in a
heartbeat. It’s just… I don’t know. Mungkin mantan-mantan gue juga berpikir kayak gitu. Mungkin
mereka pada akhirnya memutuskan buat pisah sama gue karena mereka merasa bisa dapetin yang
lebih baik.
“Dad, you don’t have to give me pep talk to ease my heart and all. I know I deserve better and I won’t
settle for less. I know my worth, but, perhaps, my exes think the same way. Perhaps they think they
deserve better and my love is not enough for them. Perhaps they realize that I am less loving.
Perhaps they see through me; they know that I can never love anyone enough, that I can’t trust
anyone enough.”
Gue bisa merasakan suara gue bergetar dan kedua mata gue memanas. Fuck all these feelings. I
always tell myself not to cry for mundane things because it’s not worth it. Crying doesn’t solve
anything.
“Hey…” My dad’s hand is now caressing my palm softly.
“I am sorry. You raised me to become a strong woman yet here I am, almost crying because of a man.
That’s very uncool, huh?”
“Don’t ever be sorry for expressing your feelings, sweetheart. Yes, I raise you to be strong, but I never
tell you to conceal your feelings. Crying doesn’t make you less cool or weak. You don’t ever have to
be stronger than you already are.”
I chuckle softly, “That sounds like a lyric.”
He grins, “I know. I think I heard that somewhere.”
36
“Maiko.” He stares into my eyes, “I am not really good at giving love advice, and I don’t think you
want one too. But I just want you to know that it’s not fair to conclude things based on one
particular event. Hubungan kamu gagal bukan serta merta salah kamu atau salah mantan
pasanganmu. It takes two. Dan rasanya agak gak adil kalau semua pilihan hidupmu yang masih
panjang itu jadi harus kamu ambil buru-buru hanya karena satu peristiwa yang kurang menyenang-
kan. But, again, it’s my intake. Semua keputusan hidup Maiko mutlak milik Maiko.”
“Dad…”
Suara gue tercekat. Tenggorokan gue terasa kering dan panas. Kalimat yang ingin gue utarakan
rasanya kayak api; membakar seisi badan gue. Seluruh emosi yang selama ini gue kubur dan coba
hiraukan akhirnya keluar, menjalar di setiap aliran darah gue, berlomba-lomba mendobrak dinding
yang susah payah gue bangun untuk melindungi logika gue, meminta gue untuk melakukan satu hal
sakral yang gue selalu hindari; menangis, menjadi lemah.
“I—Nobody likes turbulence. No one is ever ready for turbulence. And, unfortunately, I am one with
a turbulent heart. I don’t think there’s someone out there that can handle me, Dad. Maiko gak yakin
bisa untuk sayang sama orang secara utuh, Maiko ngerasa gak mampu untuk ngasih apalah itu yang
orang sebut sebagai cinta sesuai dengan definisi yang pasangan Maiko mau, Maiko gak bisa. My love
is never enough for them.
“Semua orang bisa dengan gampang bilang mereka suka sama wanita independen. Di awal mereka
pasti bangga ngeliat pencapaian aku, seneng karena aku bisa apa-apa sendiri. But guess what?
Everyone wants to settle down eventually. They want all my love, all my time, they want me all to
themselves. Mereka butuh didenger, mereka mau aku ada setiap waktu dan aku gak bisa. At the end
of the day, gak ada orang yang bener-bener mau sama wanita independen karena kita gak pernah
punya cukup waktu, karena rasa sayang yang kita mampu kasih gak cukup buat ngisi love tank
mereka. Maybe my last relationship was a sign that I meant to be alone. Maybe love is not for
everyone.”
Air mata gue terus mengalir, membasahi kedua pipi gue. Badan gue bergetar. Semua pikiran yang
gue simpan untuk diri gue sendiri akhirnya keluar; menjadi nyata, hidup dan bersenyawa dalam
rangkaian kalimat dan keluh yang gue rapal seperti kutukan.
Gue dapat merasakan lengan bapak melingkari tubuh gue. Badannya gemetar seperti orang yang
menggigil karena demam. Layaknya sihir gue mampu merasakan sesak milik bapak dan gue rasa
bapak pun bisa merasakan kekalutan yang lama gue simpan. Dan entah untuk waktu berapa lama,
gue dan bapak hanya dapat diam dalam pelukan erat yang kami bagi berdua. Rasanya gue ingin
menelpon ibu detik itu juga, walaupun keberadaannya pasti hanya akan menyumbang tangis yang
lebih riuh, tapi gue tetap merasa dengan adanya ibu di sisi kami sekarang, semua akan terasa lebih
utuh dan kukuh.
“I’m sorry that you have to feel that way.”
Gue menyeka air mata dari pipi gue, “Why do you have to be sorry? It’s not your fault.”
Ia mencoba menghapus sisa-sisa air mata dari pipinya, matanya dan hidungnya merah sempurna.
Gue hendak tertawa melihat air mukanya yang sudah carut marut, tapi gue rasa raut gue pasti sama
tidak karuannya.
“Sweetheart, I really am at a loss for words. My head was spinning and I felt suffocated when I heard
you saying all those things. Maiko—”
37
 Ia mengatur nafasnya yang mulai tersengal. Pelupuk matanya kembali basah dengan air mata yang
mati-matian ia tahan untuk tidak jatuh. Di hadapannya, gue menggigit bibir bawah gue, menahan
isak yang terpaksa harus melesak ke rongga dada karena gagal melewati celah bibir gue yang
terkatup rapat.
“I just want you to know that your love was enough, is enough. They don’t know how wonderful it
is to be loved by you. You are right about people who are never ready to face turbulence. It’s hard to
expect the unexpected. But turbulence will pass, people will learn to get used to it, to eventually face
it. Even your mom and I, we faced turbulence too. You know that our story was far from easy and
romantic. It was melodramatic.”
Bapak tertawa kecil ketika mereka ingatannya tentang kisah cintanya dan ibu yang gue tau hampir
berakhir jadi tragedi. Mereka berdua merupakan reinkarnasi dari Romeo dan Juliet, yang setengah
mati berusaha untuk mengubah kisah asmara mereka dari tragedi menjadi romansa.
“Idih manggilnya papa, aku bilangin eyang!”
“Ih apaan, sih! Mana ada manggil papa, I said bapak.”
Gue tersenyum geli. Kebiasaan bapak gue yang suka kecolongan menyematkan panggilan ‘papa’ ke
dirinya sendiri enggak pernah absen bikin gue ketawa. Setiap ia memanggil dirinya sendiri papa, ia
pasti langsung mengoreksi panggilan tersebut secara mandiri. Katanya, sih, takut diomelin eyang
karena dari kecil gue selalu diajarin untuk memanggil orang tua gue dengan sebutan bapak dan ibu.
“Karena acara jalinan kasihnya udah selesai, kita nonton film aja, yuk! Kamu belum ngantuk kan?”
ajak bapak semangat.
Gue hanya mengangguk dan membiarkannya mengambil alih controller layar televisi yang menyatu
dengan kasur gue.

“I didn’t mean to compare my story with yours. But I want you to know that you are never meant to
be alone. You have me, you have your mom, you have so many people around you that truly love you.
It hurts me if you feel like love isn’t for everyone. Because you are the one who teaches me how to
love. I learn to love wholeheartedly; I learn to love without expecting anything in return when you
exist. You are the epitome of love; you are my love. Love is indeed for everyone, Maiko. Bapak harap
rasa sayang bapak selalu cukup buat Maiko. Kalau cinta gak buat semua orang, maka harusnya orang
kayak bapak yang gak ngerasain cinta. Kalau cinta gak untuk semua orang, maka harusnya kamu gak
pernah ada. Kamu itu bukti konkrit kalau cinta itu nyata dan diberikan Tuhan untuk semua orang,
bahkan orang yang gak jelas kayak bapak.”
Dan tepat di kalimat terakhirnya, air mata yang gue kira sudah habis kembali bergulir, membasahi
pipi gue. Gue merengkuh bapak dengan segenap tenaga yang tersisa, isak tangis gue pecah sekali lagi.
Tangan besarnya menepuk-nepuk punggung gue pelan.
Momen kami pelukan dan nangis seakan gak ada hari esok rasanya bener-bener surreal karena kami
berdua sekarang udah sibuk memilih film dari jaringan OTT yang disediakan rumah sakit. Kepala
gue masih penuh dengan berbagai macam kemungkinan dan pilihan hidup yang rumit. Tapi setida-
knya gue merasa sebagian beban yang selama ini gue emban sendirian terangkat. Setidaknya gue tau
gue cukup. Cinta kasih bapak dan ibu cukup untuk gue terus melanjutkan hidup. Perkara dengan
siapa gue berakhir biar jadi tebak-tebakan antara gue dan waktu.
Satu yang berubah setelah obrolan yang isinya lebih banyak isak tangis daripada kata-kata; gue tau
bahwa gue gak pernah ditakdirkan sendirian karena gue selalu punya bapak, ibu, dan banyak orang
yang sayang sama gue. Dan yang paling penting gue selalu punya diri gue sendiri.
Nobody likes turbulence, but my dad said people will learn to face it eventually. Maybe, for now, I am the one
who needs to learn to face it.

“Maiko, setiap orang tua pasti mau anaknya tumbuh dengan rasa cinta dan rasa aman. Kalau harus
jujur, bapak sama sekali gak pernah siap menerima fakta bahwa akan ada orang lain yang bakal
gantiin posisi bapak sama ibu buat menyayangi Maiko. Tapi balik lagi bapak lebih gak siap kalau
suatu saat harus pergi dan tahu kamu hidup tanpa rasa cinta dan rasa aman. Bapak selalu berdoa
agar hati Maiko selalu tenang, selalu dilindungi dan penuh rasa cinta.”

Ia mengusap kepala gue dengan penuh kehati-hatian.

“Kalau pada akhirnya Maiko merasa yang mampu memberi Maiko rasa cinta dan rasa aman yang
cukup adalah Maiko sendiri, bapak bakal selalu mendukung. I will support you, always. Yang paling
penting buat bapak adalah Maiko gak pernah ngerasa kekurangan cinta kasih. Setiap kamu patah
hati atau putus cinta, I feel the urge to hit those who hurt you until they knock out. Tapi di atas
segalanya bapak selalu merasa takut dan bersalah setiap melihat kamu gak mau nangisin
permasalahan itu. I often think that I am failing as a parent. I fail to give you safe space, thus you
hesitate to express yourself around me.”

Gue menggelengkan kepala berusaha memberikan pengertian bahwa gue gak pernah merasa ia gagal
menjadi orang tua.

“Udahan yuk nangisnya. Badan papa mulai sakit deh.”

Gue memukul punggungnya pelan dan berdecak sebal.

38 39
40 41
 The Ice Cream Tragedy
A S TO RY BY TA M A R A

K atamandara Shelter Bali di tahun 2030 masih sama seperti tahun-tahun sebelumnya. Tidak
banyak perubahan pada bangunan satu lantai dengan luas 200 meter persegi dan halaman
belakang seluas 250 meter persegi tersebut.

Siang hari di bulan Juli yang cerah, Katamandara Shelter pada hari Kamis dipenuhi dengan
orang-orang yang berlalu-lalang kesana kemari mengerjakan pekerjaannya masing-masing. Berbeda
dengan hari-hari biasanya, Katamandara Shelter pada hari itu terasa lebih ramai ketika 4 Board of
Directors Katamandara dan 6 anak kecil datang mengundang perhatian seisi kantor.

Bulan ini memang jadwal bagi Daniel, Joshua, Han, dan Gazi untuk mengunjungi shelter Bali.
Kunjungan kali ini berbeda karena bukan hanya Daniel, Joshua, Han, dan Gazi yang terbang ke Bali,
tetapi para istri mereka yaitu Andin, Thalia, Tasha, dan Kaia bersama dengan anak-anaknya juga
ikut ke Bali. Pada awalnya, hanya Andin yang ingin ikut ke Bali tetapi ia mencetuskan ide agar
kunjungan kali ini juga sekaligus dijadikan sebagai Family Trip 4 keluarga.

Dan hari ini adalah jadwal quality time Andin, Thalia, Tasha, dan Kaia. Mereka telah bersepakat
untuk menitipkan para anak kepada Daniel, Joshua, Han, dan Gazi agar mereka bisa bebas
menikmati 1 hari penuh di Bali tanpa mengurus anak-anak sekaligus agar memberikan waktu bagi
para suami untuk bergantian mengurus anak-anak tersebut. Sebenarnya, Thalia, Tasha, dan Kaia
lumayan khawatir jika nanti para suaminya tidak dapat menjaga anak-anaknya dengan baik tanpa
pengawasan mereka. Namun Andin meyakinkan ketiganya bahwa semua akan baik-baik saja.

Pada awalnya semua memang berjalan dengan lancar dan baik-baik saja sesuai dengan ucapan
Andin.

“I want to see Pepper! Pepper Pepper!” ucap salah satu anak perempuan memakai bando berpita
warna pink yang berlari kecil menuju halaman belakang diikuti oleh 3 anak lainnya di belakangnya.

“Nadine! Watch your steps! Gilang, pegangin tangan adik kamu, Kak! Gian dan Maiko larinya
pelan-pelan aja nanti kalian jatuh!” Daniel berjalan dengan tergesa-gesa sambil mengejar langkah
anak-anak kecil tersebut yang telah memasuki halaman belakang shelter yang dipenuhi oleh berbagai
jenis anjing dan kucing.

Sedangkan Han dan Joshua berjalan dengan santai di teras, memperhatikan Daniel yang kini sedang
sibuk mengejar “Pepper” kucing jenis British Shorthair, kucing kesukaan anak bungsunya, Nadine.
Joshua tertawa pelan melihat sahabatnya tersebut masih berusaha mengambil Pepper yang sejak tadi
berlari menjauh, bahkan sampai para penjaga shelter pun ikut berusaha mengambil Pepper demi
Nadine. “Nadine really likes Pepper but Pepper seems to not like her,” ucap Joshua yang lalu disetujui oleh
Han.

Han menengok ke sebelahnya saat mendapati Athena dan Janitra sedang ikut berdiri dengannya dan
Joshua memperhatikan 4 teman-temannya yang lain sedang bermain dengan para anjing dan kucing.

42 43
 “Kalian nggak ikut main juga?” tanya Han.
Janitra menggelengkan kepalanya pelan sambil mengernyitkan dahi. “No, Pah. It’s really hot today. Liat
deh mataharinya terik banget. Aku bakal pingsan kalo lari-lari kayak mereka,” ucap anak perempuan
berumur 5 tahun tersebut sambil menunjuk ke arah matahari yang memang hari ini lebih terik dari
biasanya.
“Kamu juga takut pingsan kah Athena jadi gak ikut main sama adik-adik kamu yang lain?” tanya
Joshua kepada anaknya.
“I’m just not in the mood to play. Also, mom said that I need to watch out for Gian and the others since I’m the
oldest one here,” jawab Athena yang memang paling tua dibandingkan dengan lainnya. Athena
berumur 6 tahun, selisih 2 tahun dengan adiknya, Gian. Lalu, Maiko, anak perempuan Gazi dan Kaia
sepantaran dengan Gilang yang merupakan anak pertama dari Andin dan Daniel. Terakhir,
Nadine–anak kedua Andin dan Daniel– yang sejak tadi masih merengek karena Pepper seakan
menolak bermain dengannya adalah yang termuda diantara semuanya, umurnya masih 3 tahun.
“Wow, such a responsible older sister. Great job, Athena,” puji Han sambil memberikan thumbs up kepada
Athena.
“Thank you, Om Han,” jawab Athena menujukkan cengiran manisnya.
“WHO WANTS SOME ICE CREAM?”
Sautan dari Gazi yang baru datang membawa 2 kantong besar berisi es krim membuat 4 anak yang
tadinya sibuk bermain di halaman belakang kini berlari secepat kilat menuju Gazi. Bahkan Nadine
yang sempat menangis pun seketika melupakan Pepper yang benar-benar enggan bermain
dengannya ketika matanya menangkap es krim berwarna pink di dalam kantong yang Gazi bawa.
“ME! ME! I WANT ICE CREAM! YANG BANYAAAKK!”
“PAH AKU MAU PAH! MAIKO MAUUUU!”
“UNCLE GAZI CAN I GET VANILLA ICE CREAM? Eh tapi itu ada coklat ya? Ya udah mau coklat! EHHH
TAPI MAU SEMUA DEEHHH UNCLE!”
“PINK ICE CREAM PINK ICE CREAM!”
Gilang, Maiko, Gian, dan Nadine meloncat-loncat di hadapan Gazi, berusaha meraih kantung es
krim. Sedangkan Gazi mengangkat kantung tersebut tinggi-tinggi agar keempat anak kecil yang
rusuh itu tidak bisa mengambil kantungnya.
“Wow wow wow calm down guys,” ucap Gazi.
Gazi pun berjalan ke meja kayu panjang yang tersedia di dekat halaman belakang. Ia menaruh
kantong es krim di atas meja dan memerintahkan anak-anak untuk duduk manis sebelum ia
membuka 4 bucket besar es krim dengan rasa vanilla, chocolate, strawberry, dan mango sorbet.
Janitra dan Athena pun telah ikut bergabung di meja panjang tersebut.
“Oh jadi lo ngilang dari tadi itu karena beli es krim ini?” tanya Han.
44
Gazi menampakkan wajah bangga. “Iya dong jelas. Lo tau gak kunci dari ngurus bocah-bocah ini biar
pada diem itu apa?” tanya Gazi. Han menaikkan alisnya, menunggu Gazi melanjutkan perkataannya
yang sengaja diberi jeda.
Tangan Gazi mengangkat satu ice cream bucket di depan wajah Han, “Es krim lah!”
“As far as I know, our wives didn’t allow us to give the kids ice cream without their permission,” ucap Joshua
menimpali jawaban Gazi.
Gazi pun menghampiri anak-anak yang terlihat tidak sabar untuk menyantap es krim yang ada di
hadapan mereka tersebut. Gazi menyuruh mereka untuk memajukan badan agar mendekat ke
arahnya.
“There is one rule that you must obey if you want to eat ice cream. Don’t tell your mothers that I gave you all
this ice cream, okay? Keep it as a secret,” ucap Gazi sambil menatap satu persatu wajah anak-anak di
depannya. “Especially you, Maiko. Bapak nggak akan ajak kamu main bola lagi kalo kamu
bilang-bilang ke Ibu.”
“Deal?” tanya Gazi lalu mengulurkan telapak tangannya, mengajak keenam anak-anak itu untuk tos
dan disambut dengan seruan riang dari mereka.
“Gian, Athena, don't eat too much ice cream or your stomach will hurt,” ucap Joshua memperingatkan
kedua anaknya yang hendak menyendok es krim.
Ucapan Gazi soal ‘kunci mengurus bocah-bocah agar diam’ memang sangat akurat. Kini halaman
belakang Katamandara Shelter seketika hening tanpa ada teriakan atau seruan dari Gilang, Maiko,
Gian, dan Nadine seperti sebelumnya. Semuanya tengah sibuk memakan es krim menggunakan
sendok mereka masing-masing dengan tenang. Gazi pun ikut memakan es krim dan sesekali
menyuapi Maiko atau Nadine yang duduk di sebelah kanan dan kirinya. Sedangkan Han dan Joshua
duduk di ujung meja. Han melihat pemandangan di hadapannya dengan perasaan was-was karena ia
merasa ketenangan ini tidak akan berlangsung lama. Ia merasa akan ada kekacauan setelah ini.
“Taruhan, siapa yang mulutnya bakal bocor? My bet is on Nadine,” ucap Han kepada Joshua.
“Maiko will definitely tell Kaia and she’s beat Gazi’s ass,” jawab Joshua.
“Well, it’s more likely that Tasha will beat my ass if she knew I let Janitra eat ice cream without her
permission.”
Joshua menahan tawanya membayangkan Han akan diomeli habis-habisan oleh Tasha karena
membelikan anak-anak ini es krim. Tentunya jika hal itu terjadi, dirinya dan Gazi juga akan kena
damprat Thalia dan Kaia. Tapi di antara mereka bertiga, Tasha tetaplah yang paling
menyeramkan jika sedang mengomel. Dilanjut di urutan kedua adalah Thalia dan urutan selanjutnya
yang menyeramkan ketika mengomel adalah Andin dan Kaia. Walaupun begitu, jarak rankingnya itu
jika dibayangkan, Tasha berada di urutan 1 sedangkan sisanya berada di ranking 40-an. Dan jika hari
ini mereka ketahuan memberi es krim kepada anak-anak, tentunya yang akan selamat sentosa adalah
Daniel karena Andin membebaskan anak-anaknya untuk makan apapun.
Ngomong-ngomong soal Daniel, pria tersebut kini sedang berjalan mendekat ke titik kumpul sambil
membawa Pepper di tangannya. Bajunya kini terlihat lusuh dan dirinya berkeringat setelah kurang
lebih 20 menit berusaha mengambil Pepper yang terus-terusan kabur darinya.
45

“NADINE! LOOK WHAT I GOT FOR YOU!” seru Daniel sambil mengangkat kucing berwarna abu-abu
itu ke depan wajahnya dan menghampiri Nadine yang tengah sibuk memakan es krim strawberry.
Nadine memandang papanya lalu Pepper dengan wajah cemberut, “I don't like Pepper. She is not nice to
me. I’m not interested with her anymore, dad.”
Tubuh Daniel seketika membeku saat mendengar jawaban dari putrinya tersebut. Ia mengingat 20
menit waktu yang ia luangkan dan segala tenaga yang ia keluarkan untuk menangkap Pepper demi
Nadine terbuang sia-sia. Usahanya dikalahkan oleh es krim strawberry yang sedang anak manis
tersebut santap.
mengambil tissue untuk Nadine ke dalam kantor shelter. Sedangkan Han hanya memijat-mijat
kepalanya melihat kekacauan di hadapannya sesuai prediksinya di awal. Anak perempuan semata
wayangnya, Janitra—the unbothered queen—di sampingnya tetap tenang memakan es krim di tengah
kekacauan yang sedang terjadi.
Seakan kekacauan yang terjadi saat ini masih kurang, handphone milik Gazi yang ia tinggalkan di
meja berdering menampilkan Kaia yang menelponnya. Maiko yang mengenali nada dering
handphone papanya pun meraih benda tersebut dan mengangkat teleponnya.
“Hello, Ibu! I’m having a great time! Dad beliin Maiko dan yang lain es krim loh enak banget!” ucap
Maiko dengan wajah polos tanpa dosa sesaat setelah sambungan teleponnya terhubung.

Daniel pun mendudukkan dirinya di tempat kosong sebelah Han dengan wajah yang dramatis,
membuat Han hanya bisa menepuk pelan pundak kawannya tersebut sambil menahan tawa.
“Sometimes daughters are harder to predict. We’re all in this together.” Ucapnya yang juga memiliki seorang
anak perempuan.
Di sisi lain meja, Gian tengah memegang perutnya yang mulai terasa sakit. Athena yang duduk di
sebelahnya, menyadari itu. Sebagai kakak yang ditugaskan oleh mamanya untuk menjaga adiknya, ia
pun berinisiatif memberi tahu keadaan Gian kepada Joshua yang dengan sigap menghampiri Gian
untuk mengecek keadaan anak laki-lakinya tersebut. Inilah kenapa di awal Joshua memperingatkan
kedua anaknya untuk tidak makan terlalu banyak es krim dan kenapa Thalia tidak mengizinkan
Gian dan Athena makan es krim di luar pengawasannya. Perut Gian dan Athena (terutama Gian)
lumayan sensitif ketika makan terlalu banyak es krim.
“Told you, Gian. Don’t eat too much ice cream,” tegur Joshua dengan suara yang tegas tapi tetap lembut.
Gian meringis kecil memegang perutnya, “I just ate 2 spoons of it, Ayah. It’s not too much.”
“Yes two spoon, TWO JUMBO SPOONS,” komentar Athena yang kini juga berhenti memakan es
krimnya.
Mendengar ucapan kakaknya, mata Gian berkaca-kaca dan mulai menangis. Anak laki-laki yang
wajahnya sangat mirip dengan Joshua itu merasa bersalah karena memakan es krim terlalu banyak
dan tidak izin kepada mamanya, Thalia. Joshua pun lalu menenangkan Gian dan berusaha
meredakan tangisan anaknya. Namun, bukannya mereda, tangisan Gian semakin kencang, membuat
Pepper yang sejak tadi duduk tenang di pangkuan Daniel kini terlonjak kaget lalu melompat ke atas
meja dan berlari terbirit-birit hingga menyenggol bucket strawberry ice cream yang tengah Nadine
makan, membuat bucket tersebut tumpah mengenai baju Nadine.
Ucapan Maiko membuat Joshua, Han, Daniel, dan juga Gazi yang sudah kembali dengan satu kotak
tisu di tangannya menengok ke arah Maiko. Sebelum Maiko mengucapkan hal-hal lain yang
memperkeruh keadaan, Gazi buru-buru berlari dan merebut handphonenya dari genggaman
anaknya tersebut.
“HALO? HALO? Gazi is that you? Is it true that you bought ice cream for the kids?” tanya Kaia di
seberang sana.
“Yeah... uh... okay I’ll explain it to you later pas kamu udah pulang. Bye! Love you, honey!” ucap Gazi
secepat kilat lalu memutus sambungan teleponnya. Ia melihat Maiko yang kini memandangnya
dengan wajah tanpa dosa.
Han yang melihat itu semua hanya bisa tertawa pelan. “Joshua, you won the bet,” ucap Han kepada
Joshua yang masih terus berusaha menenangkan Gian yang tangisannya belum reda.
Kini hanya dirinya dan Janitra, sepasang ayah dan anak yang masih terlihat normal sampai saat ini
walaupun ia tahu, tak lama setelah ini Tasha, Kaia, Thalia, dan Andin akan pulang setelah
mendengar kabar bahwa anak-anaknya memakan es krim. Dan Han sudah mempersiapkan diri,
Tasha will definitely beat his ass after this.
“Wow, Pah, this is a total disaster, should we call Mama or we keep this as a secret?” tanya Janitra kepada
Han dengan tangannya yang tengah menyendok sisa es krim yang ia sedang makan.
Ternyata memang benar, ide menitipkan anak-anak kepada para ayahnya bukan ide yang bagus.

“HUAAAAAAAAAAA ES KRIMNYA TUMPAHHHHH!”

Genap dua anak yang menangis. Anak pertama karena merasa bersalah memakan es krim di
belakang ibunya, lalu anak kedua menangis karena baju cantiknya yang berwarna putih kini kotor
terkena es krim.

Keadaan halaman belakang sekarang seketika berubah ramai. Nadine terus menangis walaupun
Daniel dan kakaknya, Gilang, berusaha menenangkannya dan membersihkan es krim di bajunya.
Tangisan Gian pun semakin keras saat mendengar Nadine juga menangis. Melihat kekacauan yang
menurut Gazi adalah karena dirinya yang membeli es krim, ia pun dengan inisiatif yang tinggi

46 47
48 49
 Joshua and His Person
A S TO RY BY LE O R A

Z IA D

F or some people, the concept of a name is a form of blessing. It carries expectations throughout a
train of some letters that the givers gave to it. It may also function to point out something sacred
that runs exclusively in the bloodline; thus, a name may as well be equal to some sort of legacy.

But for a handful of people; including my siblings and I, the concept of a name is a burden.
Especially, when it comes to the name that our father (unfortunately) gave fairly to each of his
children since he is a fucking narcissist. Hadi.

It is a heavy, massive, fat lump of torment in the form of composed letters that we consecutively carry
(whether we like it or not) since we were born. I can even confidently say that our name that tails
us since forever is as much equal as a curse. Very daring of me to say such a thing, but it feels right
since the name precisely carries an expectation that forces us to become a noble person despite all the
damages we have been through and all the horrendous shit our father has done.

Yep. Thanks, Dad. At least when you don’t have the time to watch over your kids, you let the world do
your job while you are parading your whole ton load of money all around the globe. We all love you.
Blah, blah, blah.

Ever since I was in my early teenage years, people started to recognize me as ‘That Son from The
Second Wife of Andreas Hadi’. I can remember there were only a few that knew me as Ziad. The
uproaring gossip that revolved around our family, the tabloids that were headlined with my father’s
affair issues, also the emerging rebellious and full of anger inside of me weren’t helping the situation
at all. In a matter of years that felt like a blink of an eye, I was suddenly crowned with the title of
‘That Scapegoat of Hadi Family’. In every step I took, there were faint whispers of my glorious title
that greeted my eardrums no matter how hard I tried to ignore them. Echoes of the name ‘Hadi’
haunted me everywhere then, as if the ghost of our ancestors were always nearby to remind us that
we indeed, shared the same DNA as theirs.

I lost the Ziad in myself while growing up. I grew as the Ziad that people pictured me to be. I grew as
the Ziad that didn’t even feel like himself. I became the ideal scapegoat.

Once again, thanks, Dad.

People say every family needs at least one asshole to keep them tight. To keep their union and
balance. Every family needs at least that one prick that willingly volunteers to become the public
enemy to let the others hate them together. That one prick is the glue of the family, which is the bit-
ter truth for that particular asshole to gulp. And honestly, there are many phases in my life that make
me believe in myself that I can bear the responsibility. Pathetic–yes, but I actually did think so.
However, I just turned out to be the prick. I am nowhere near the glue of the family.

The glue of the family, of course, turned out to be my respectful, astonishing, and God-like eldest

50 51
 brother; Joshua. No sarcasm intended. Just pure respect. today.

Come on. Joshua’s not my father. I’m not going to talk shit about him. But let’s try. Let me explain those to you briefly.

Whenever I get the chance to see him, I am always filled with bewilderment. It is a mystery to me on
how he could get that much composure after all the shit he had been dealing through in his life. He
practically held the title of ‘The Firstborn of Andreas Hadi’ along with the expectations that came
with it, saw his father affairs (sorry I’m not good at sugar coating especially when it comes to my
father) thrice, then got cheated on with his girlfriend of I-don’t-care-how-many years, and then he’s
the dumpster of all the stress that our father poured on his shoulder as if he was Atlas.
It must have been hard on him to carry such a burden for a long time. Regarding all the hardships he
had been through and the person he had become now, it reached to the extent of psychotic to be as
composed as he is after everything he had been dealing with. I would’ve snapped if I were him, to be
honest.
Incredibly, Joshua has become the glue of our messy family. I don’t get how he can rearrange the hor-
rendous mess of a family that we were into a family that we are today. We just nodded to whatever
he said, and voila, we became a family. A real family. Without caring the bloody trails of those scars
that our father inflicted to us, without looking at all the marriage nor divorce certificates we owned,
without sensing any hatred in the presence of each other. It felt like all the space full of anger I had
pent up in myself morphed into a space full of warmth that can keep me alive in Canada even when
I’m stark naked.
Pardon me. I’m not the best person at explaining love.
I can see that Joshua and Thalia are inspired by each other. They are both starstruck with all the
goodness that nestled in their souls. I can see that Joshua gathered and gained so much courage from
Thalia, just as much as she did from him. I can see that Joshua is content with her by the way he
told her how his morning went and how he always recites his agenda to her (which is always full of
meetings). I don't even want to understand how it will go. He always freely tells her what’s bothering
his mind at the moment, and she listens to him thoroughly. She gives him encouragement and some
suggestions that she thinks suits his problems, which he constantly replies with a smile and a nod.
I believe that Thalia has become the rock for his well being, as well as he has for her. They are each
other’s person in such a comforting way. They are each other’s safest person. They are hell full of
a mess, but when they are with each other, they are secured. They complete each other in a way I
couldn’t deliver since it was so full of love.
I already said that I’m not the best person to explain love.
But I can assure you that they truly do love each other.
Now I can conclude that it all made sense how Joshua can keep up with all the madness and
disastrous shit that came into his life. He already found peace in his person. The person of his own,
that becomes the safest person for him.

He’s basically responsible for everything nowadays. He is responsible ove his own life, he is
responsible over his siblings’ life, he is responsible over his step-mothers’ life, and he is also fucking
responsible for the animal shelter he had created with few of his pals. He managed to make his
siblings feel like they have siblings, he managed to clean up our father’s sins (sorry, once again, I
cannot stop myself from bad mouthing him), and he made amends between our mothers so they
could be civilised with each other. Do not ask me how he juggled all those in his brain, because I also
don’t have any clue.

It is amazing how his head still remains intact after all that. It is not easy to take care of a bunch of
borderline insane people all at once, yet he did a great job on that like it is a first grader task. I don’t
know whether it is a diamond situation (the greater the pressure the better the outcome) or it’s just
his natural being, for having that much strength.

I once came up to him, apologized like a fucking eight year old for being a prick and an asshole all
through my teen and early twenty years of living. He just smiled and nudged my shoulder with his
fist, then brushed the topic off with an invite for joining his lunch date with his girlfriend, Thalia.
Which I wholeheartedly accept.

We went to a local restaurant where I was greeted with a waft of herb and spices aroma. We sat on
a table which was full of local delicacies that now I am a fan of. Then we talked, talked, and talked
during lunch. Smoothly and joyfully.

It is so fascinating for me to talk with them, because then I kinda get an idea how Joshua managed to
be as strong as he is now.
How do I explain this? I cannot precisely explain how I felt the dynamics and the energy between
Joshua and Thalia, nor the way I came to a conclusion on how Joshua can be the person that he is

52 53
54 55
 You're All I Want
A S T O RY B Y A I S YA

T he first thing that I realized when I opened my eyes was that I finally landed in Jakarta. Jum’at sore men-
jamin bahwa bandara akan penuh sesak dengan manusia-manusia yang tengah kembali pulang
dari pekerjaan dan mungkin perjalanan bisnisnya. Gue membawa kaki-kaki jenjang yang gue miliki
turun dari pesawat yang membawa gue pulang dari kota New York. Sama dengan puluhan orang yang
menaiki pesawat ini, tujuan gue pun untuk kembali pulang kepada yang tercinta setelah berhari-hari
bekerja, menumpahkan segala yang ada di kepala demi pundi-pundi uang.

The second thing that I realized was how stupid I was, forgetting to notify my boyfriend that I had already land-
ed in Jakarta. Gue pun segera membuka Whatsapp gue untuk mengabari dia. Tapi mungkin memang
hari ini engga berpihak kepada gue dengan ditambahnya handphone gue yang secara tiba-tiba mati.
Great, that’s what I thought. Sekarang gue harus berjalan ke gate gue, dan mencari taxi (which by the way,
sangat susah dicari dadakan di hectic hours like this).

And so I did. I walked there, hand held up high wanting to catch the attention of some taxi drivers there. Se-
belum bahkan suara gue bisa terdengar jelas, gue merasakan tangan familiar menyentuh pinggang
gue dengan lembut. Memandu gue untuk bergerak menjauhi kerumunan yang berkumpul di sisi jalan
keluar gate ini.

Oh, it’s him.

“Babe, kamu ngapain? Kenapa panggil taxi? I’ve been waiting for you here for an hour, terus sekarang mau
ditinggal?”

Secara langsung, setelah mata kita bertatapan, beberapa hal langsung berbenturan di otak gue. Perta-
ma, kenapa dia bisa ada di sini padahal gue sama sekali belum mengabari kapan gue landing? Kedua,
kenapa dengan mudahnya dia bisa menemukan gue di tengah lautan manusia pada hari ini? Ketiga, ke-
napa hari ini ketampanannya melebihi batas normal biasanya dengan short pants dan polo hitamnya?

“Gaz? Kok bisa di sini?” Gue–dengan alis yang menukik tajam–menunjukan raut yang mungkin ter-
lihat lucu, di saat kebanyakan pasangan akan merasa senang melihat kekasihnya datang untuk men-
jemput setelah berpisah untuk jangka waktu yang lama, gue malah mempertanyakan keberadaan dia
pada saat ini.

Yang kemudian dia jawab dengan wajah sama bingungnya namun tetap dengan tangan yang mengusap
pucuk kepala gue, “Ya mau jemput kamu? Aku tau kamu pasti belum sempet reservasi taxi, so I thought
I’d pick you up myself, babe. Kemarin kan kamu udah kirim screenshot tiketnya ke aku.”

Gue yang sudah terlampau lelah hanya bisa mengiyakan hal tersebut. Tangannya yang tanpa gue sadari
sudah menyeret kedua koper besar milik gue yang gue yakin betul sangat amat berat. Dia membiarkan
gue memasuki mobilnya, hanya untuk menemukan segelas kopi dingin yang biasanya menjadi andalan
gue saat penat di kepala sudah terlampau banyak, pada cup holder di sisi kursi penumpang. Men-
yambut tubuh menjulangnya memasuki bagian pengemudi, yang bisa gue lontarkan hanyalah sebatas,
“Thanks Gaz, for picking me up, and for the coffee… I really need this.”

56 57

Masih sama, gue hanya dihadiahi senyum dan juga tepukan di pucuk kepala. Somehow it’s comforting, in
a way that I never thought it would be. Like a silent praise that only I can understand.
Gazi engga menunggu lebih lama lagi untuk segera keluar dari Bandara Soekarno-Hatta. Selama dia
menyetir, kedua mata gue hanya memandangi lelaki yang ada di sebelah gue ini. Sinar matahari sore
perlahan memasuki jendela mobil, mencium lembut setiap inci tubuhnya. Tangannya menggenggam
tangan gue yang terlampau jauh lebih kecil jika dibandingkan dengan milik dia, sorot matanya hanya
bertumpu pada jalanan di depan. Gue bisa mendengar dengan samar gumaman yang dia keluarkan,
mengikuti lagu yang sekarang terpasang pada radio. His tan skin gleaming under the sunset’s rays, a wide
smile as he listened to his favorite song on the radio. All of that made me realize just how much I missed the man.
Saat akhirnya gue sudah bisa melihat gedung-gedung tinggi milik Kota Jakarta sambil disambut den-
gan segala kemacetannya, gue merasakan keheningan yang nyaman. Engga terdengar satu suara pun
keluar dari bibirnya. Engga ada “How are you?” or “Did everything went well?” yang dia tanyakan. And
a part of me appreciated that. Appreciated how he patiently waited for me to be the one that’d tell him myself.
Gazi cuman menyetir dengan tenang, sesekali ibu jarinya mengusap, menyelipkan jari-jari panjangnya
dengan milik gue. And it felt nice. That he’s just there. Feeling every breath that I took, every move that I made.
A company on a rough day.
Sesampainya di apartemen miliknya, segala beban yang ada di pundak gue perlahan-lahan terangkat.
Wangi familiar dari pengharum ruangan menyapa indra penciuman gue, memaksa gue untuk segera
duduk di sofa tengah dan melepaskan hak tinggi yang sedari tadi menopang tubuh gue.
Samar-samar bisa gue dengar air mengalir di kamar mandi dalam, diikuti dengan Gazi yang keluar
dari kamar tersebut, “Kai, babe, itu bathtub aku isi air panas ya. Kalau kamu mau mandi, you can add
some cold water. Tapi kalau belum mau juga gapapa. Aku mau masak dulu, I haven’t made any dinner
yet, kamu ada special request?” Dan kembali berjalan menuju ke dapur ketika gue hanya menggelengkan
kepala dan mengucapkan terima kasih yang sudah engga terhitung berapa kali gue ucapkan hari ini
kepada dia.
Gue memutarkan badan gue ke arah belakang, menyilangkan kaki pada sofa kulit tersebut untuk
kemudian memandangi Gazi dengan segala kesibukannya di dapur. Rambutnya mulai memanjang, but
that’s not a problem for me, I love how he’ll always look good with every hair style. Tangannya sibuk menguliti
salmon yang ada di hadapannya, dengan remang - remang lampu dapur yang kontras dengan gelapnya
malam yang menguar dari jendela apartemen. Televisi yang menyiarkan berita terkini menjadi satu-sa-
tunya suara yang terdengar di keheningan ini.
Merasa bahwa tubuh semakin memberontak untuk segera dibersihkan, maka gue berjalan dengan
tenang ke arah Gazi. Menyelipkan kedua lengan gue di antara lengannya untuk memeluk laki-laki di
hadapan gue. Punggung bidangnya menjadi sasaran tempat pipi gue bersandar, “Gaz, aku mau mandi
dulu ya. Please call me when dinner’s ready, okay?” Anggukan yang gue dapatkan cukup menjadi jawaban
untuk permintaan yang gue ajukan. Gue memasuki kamar mandi dan mencelupkan tangan ke dalam
bathtub. It’s perfect. Gazi always knows how I like my water temperature, and how much soap that I usually
put there.
Gue berada cukup lama pada kamar mandi tersebut, menikmati waktu yang gue miliki untuk sekedar
bernafas sejenak, melepaskan segala letih yang telah bergelayut pada kedua pundak gue selama sem-
inggu terakhir. Kedua kelopak mata gue tertutup dengan tenang, sampai gue mendengar ketukan halus
yang berasal dari pintu. Gazi menyembulkan kepalanya, matanya teduh dengan senyum sederhana
yang sering kali ditunjukan ketika sedang memperhatikan gue. Lelaki yang (masih) sangat gue rindu-
58
kan ini kemudian menghampiri, duduk pada sisi bathtub dan tanpa sepatah kata mengoleskan shampoo
ke kepala gue. And he massaged it, slowly, tenderly, with so much love. Seperti yang kerap kali dia lakukan
ketika gue mengeluh bahwa kepala gue dan seisinya akan meledak di tengah-tengah tumpukan kertas
dan juga berkas yang menggunung. Kemudian dia basuh dengan perlahan, dan segera bisa gue rasakan
handuk besar menutupi kepala gue.
“Now, come on. Our dinner’s getting cold.”
Makan malam selalu menyenangkan jika teman makan kalian adalah Gazi Radhana. Meja makan ka-
lian tidak akan pernah sepi dari tawa dan juga hangat yang dia pancarkan. Dengan Gazi, dinamikanya
akan selalu mendengar dan didengar.
Gue menyuap dan menyuap, bersamaan dengan cerita-cerita yang kian tumpah ruah dari bibir gue.
Tentang bagaimana New York terasa berbeda tanpa dia di sisi gue, beberapa spot baru yang gue temu-
kan tanpa sengaja di daerah Manhattan, dan juga kesibukan gue selama berada di sana. Matanya nggak
pernah sekalipun lepas dari segala gestur yang gue pertunjukan, bahkan ketika gue melihat notifikasi
yang muncul pada handphone-nya berisi Daniel yang meminta laporan terbaru darinya.
Gazi mendengar, dan mendengar sampai akhirnya tiba saat bagi dia untuk membagi apa saja yang gue
lewati ketika tidak berada disini. Rapatnya bersama teman-temannya, kabar baik dari kedua orang
tuanya, dan juga satu berita mengejutkan yang sampai kami selesai makan malam pun masih harus gue
cerna dengan perlahan.
“Aku ajak Bapak main golf kemarin sore. It was a bit awkward, but I think I did good.”
This man right here, yang udah berkali-kali ditolak dan ditepis oleh Bapak, nggak pernah berhenti buat
mencoba.
Dan hal ini engga berhenti berlarian di benak gue, bahkan ketika kami berdua sudah duduk di sofa,
berdampingan menonton series yang kami suka. Engga berhenti bahkan ketika kedua tangannya me-
meluk gue dari belakang ketika gue sedang sibuk berkaca di dalam kamar mandi. Engga berhenti
hingga akhirnya gue berhadapan dengan dia, di kasur empuknya, bersiap untuk menjemput mimpi
kami masing - masing.
Tapi gue nggak bisa mengistirahatkan kedua mata gue. Yang bisa gue lakukan hanya memandangi
Gazi, dengan seluruh keindahan yang dia miliki, seluruh hangat yang selalu dia hantarkan kepada
orang lain, seluruh magis pada setiap sentuhan dan perilakunya. Gue hanya bisa memandangi dia tan-
pa tahu sudah berapa lama waktu yang terlewati sampai akhirnya kedua kelopak mata gue dicium oleh
sinar matahari pagi yang mengintip dari balik gorden kamarnya.
And at that moment I fell in love with him all over again. Dengkur halusnya, bulu matanya yang panjang
dan selalu membuat gue memiliki urgensi untuk menyentuhnya, rambut yang menutupi keningnya
jatuh dengan lembut. Gazi tampak jauh menjadi terlihat lebih muda seperti ini. Gue enggan untuk
beranjak, merasa bahwa gue seringkali menyia-nyiakan kesempatan baik ini di lain hari. Kesempatan
bagi gue untuk melihat Gazi dalam keadaan seutuh - utuhnya apa adanya.
Ketika akhirnya matanya mengerjap, menyapa mata gue yang ada di hadapannya, hal yang pertama
dilakukannya adalah mengusap pipi gue dengan lembut.
Dengan suara khas baru bangun tidurnya dia bertanya, “Where to today, my love?” Disematkan banyak
panggilan kasih pada diri gue bukan lah hal yang jarang gue temukan, namun hari ini, pada pagi ini
segalanya terasa lebih memabukkan dari biasanya. Gue, Kaia Ginandra, yang digadang - gadang selalu
59
 menjadi girlboss on other occasion, kali ini tengah jatuh runtuh pada genggamannya. Kedua pipi gue
merona, hidung gue mengerucut sebagai respon dari panggilan tersebut.

Namun, gue nggak menjawab pertanyaan tersebut. Hari ini gue sedang ingin memantapkan hati sebe-
lum menjawab pertanyaannya. Hari ini gue sedang ingin menambah kembali bobot pada timbangan
yang sebetulnya sudah sejak lama bertumpu berat pada sebelah sisinya. Tapi gue butuh, butuh untuk
dia menjawab pertanyaan yang akan gue lontarkan kepadanya sesaat lagi, sebagai amunisi, sebagai
energi untuk apa yang akan gue lakukan di kemudian waktu hari ini.

“Gaz… kamu dulu sama mantanmu pernah seserius ini?”

Matanya sedikit terbuka lebih lebar, raut mukanya menjadi bingung dan bertanya-tanya, yang lagi, ti-
dak akan gue salahkan karena memang gue yang ganjal menanyakan pertanyaan dengan topik tersebut
sepagi ini. Dibawanya tubuh gue mendekat, hampir remuk dibuatnya jika dia mengeratkan pelukann-
ya sedikit lebih lagi dari ini. Masih dengan segala kebingungan, dia bertanya, “Engga. Baru sama kamu
aku seserius ini. Kenapa nanya gitu pagi-pagi?”

Lagi, masih enggan menjawab, gue kembali bertanya, “Kenapa aku?”

“Kenapa kamu?” Dirinya melihat ke arah langit-langit kamar yang kami bagi berdua. Tangannya men-
gusap lengan gue tanpa henti, mungkin sebagai bentuk reasuransi. “Ya karena kamu, kamu? I guess I
have no specific reason, Kai. Karena kamu ya kamu. Kamu dan segalanya yang kamu miliki, yang kamu
punya, yang kamu dapatkan, itu semua faktor tambahan aja. Because from the moment I laid my eyes on
you, my heart already chose its home. And it’s you. Jadi kalau ditanya kenapa, aku nggak bisa jelasin dengan
kata-kata, tapi ketika kamu tanya pertanyaan tersebut, di sini Kai, inside of my heart, yang muncul cuma
kamu, kamu, dan kamu dan rasa hangat yang meledak secara bersamaan.”

And I smiled, knowing that every decision that I made was right. All the decisions that I took, led me to him.
And it was right. It was always right.

Jadi ketika Gazi menatap kedua mata gue dengan lembut dan masih bertanya-tanya, gue akhirnya
memberi jawaban.

“Hari ini ke Bapak ya? Biar aku jelasin kembali kenapa emang harus kamu orangnya. Kenapa aku engga
akan bisa dan engga akan mau sama yang lain. Hari ini kita ke Bapak sama-sama ya Gaz?”

He didn’t give me an answer. But maybe a kiss was enough to answer it all. And I know, even if today didn’t work
out, at least I got him beside me to face all the barriers together. I got him. And he’ll be there for me.

He’ll always be there for me.

60 61
62 63
 Little Did Kaia Know
A S TO RY BY AT H A

GAZ I is a photophile.

S eizing things through his lens has become a pleasure for him. He captures his car’s dented rear view
mirror, his set of tinted specs, Jakarta’s city lights, and the list goes on. Despite his tendency of
shooting random eye-catching pieces, Kaia is at the top of his favorite-objects-to-portrait list.

Planted deeply in his mind, everything about Kaia is endearing and worth remembering. Every moment
he spent with her was astounding. Every picture he took of her always reminded him of the beauty of
loving.

*****

He has pictures of Kaia on their routine monthly shopping for Gazi’s apartment life essentials.

His favorite one was taken when Kaia put some of her needs to the cart. “Ngapain kok kita beli pembalut
segala deh, yang? Ini juga bukan deterjen yang biasa aku pake kan?” asked Gazi, brows furrowed in curiosity.

“Aku mau tidur di tempatmu dulu, gatau sampe kapan. Sekalian belanja buat aku gapapa ya?” Kaia’s
answer made a happy crescent form on his lips as he excitedly nodded.

As proof of his excitement, he snapped a picture quietly once Kaia stopped in front of the snacks racks
— or he thought he was quiet enough. He noticed that Kaia knew what he did when she laughed and
shook her head in disbelief. A grin was the only response to Kaia’s laugh.

Little did Kaia know, Gazi felt like he fell for her again that night. Watching his lover put their essen-
tials together in one cart, he thought to himself, he wanted that to be part of their routine — shop for
their needs together, not just for his or hers.

*****

He has pictures of Kaia doing things in his apartment — messy-haired Kaia in his shirt making break-
fast for both of them, cuddly Kaia in his hoodie watching her favorite show, sleepy Kaia wrapped in a
blanket trying to keep her eyes open. Domestic pictures that warm Gazi’s heart.

Yet none of them compares to the picture of Kaia’s serene sleeping form he took during her first stay
at his apartment.

It was barely six in the morning. The sudden movement Gazi felt startled him, and awoke him right
away. He felt terrified at first — thinking that it was an unwanted presence — then he noticed that it
was just his beloved woman, shifting and looking for some warmth in her deep slumber.

Gazi unconsciously held his breath for a moment. His hands immediately reached out for his phone,
quickly catching Kaia’s still figure showered by the sunlight that snuck in through the curtains. She

64 65
 looked ethereal and Gazi could feel his heart beat faster.
Afterwards, Gazi continued watching his lover in awe until he bid a good morning to Kaia who, final-
ly, awoke.
Little did Kaia know, Gazi fell in love for the umpteenth time that morning. He thought to himself, he
wants to see Kaia when he wakes up everyday – he wants to see Kaia when he goes to bed every night.
He thought to himself, he wants to start and finish his days with Kaia beside him.
*****
Lagi, masih enggan menjawab, gue kembali bertanya, “Kenapa aku?”
“Kenapa kamu?” Dirinya melihat ke arah langit-langit kamar yang kami bagi berdua. Tangannya men-
gusap lengan gue tanpa henti, mungkin sebagai bentuk reasuransi. “Ya karena kamu, kamu? I guess I
have no specific reason, Kai. Karena kamu ya kamu. Kamu dan segalanya yang kamu miliki, yang kamu
punya, yang kamu dapatkan, itu semua faktor tambahan aja. Because from the moment I laid my eyes on
you, my heart already chose its home. And it’s you. Jadi kalau ditanya kenapa, aku nggak bisa jelasin dengan
kata-kata, tapi ketika kamu tanya pertanyaan tersebut, di sini Kai, inside of my heart, yang muncul cuma
kamu, kamu, dan kamu dan rasa hangat yang meledak secara bersamaan.”

“Sayang, coba berdirinya di sini,” Gazi requested, pointing to the corner of the room.
Kaia did what she was asked to do. Wrapped in a flattering sage green silk dress, black sling-back heels,
and silver necklace – she looked completely stunning. Surely Gazi couldn’t help himself to do nothing
but grabbed his camera and asked for pictures of his angel.
And I smiled, knowing that every decision that I made was right. All the decisions that I took, led me to him.
And it was right. It was always right.
Jadi ketika Gazi menatap kedua mata gue dengan lembut dan masih bertanya-tanya, gue akhirnya
memberi jawaban.

Clicking sounds of the shutter were heard everytime Kaia posed. Gazi was too absorbed in his desire “Hari ini ke Bapak ya? Biar aku jelasin kembali kenapa emang harus kamu orangnya. Kenapa aku engga
to capture this rare occasion – Kaia in feminine dress. Shout out to Thalia and her bridal shower party. akan bisa dan engga akan mau sama yang lain. Hari ini kita ke Bapak sama-sama ya Gaz?”

Bridal shower. He didn’t give me an answer. But maybe a kiss was enough to answer it all. And I know, even if today didn’t work
out, at least I got him beside me to face all the barriers together. I got him. And he’ll be there for me.
Butterflies flew in Gazi’s stomach when those words came across his mind. Imagining Kaia on her own
bridal shower made something inside him melt. Through the lens, he focused his gaze on his woman. He’ll always be there for me.
Will she look prettier in her own wedding dress? Will she look more stunning with a ring around her finger? Will
that be possible? Those questions soared, making his head felt a little dizzy.

“Kamu ambil fotonya banyak banget. Aku mau liat,” said Kaia, with an outstretched hand, asking for the
camera.

Gazi watched as Kaia checked her pictures and smiled at her compliments – saying that her boyfriend
is an expert photographer.

“Kirim beberapa ke aku yang menurutmu keliatan paling cakep ya nanti,” ordered Kaia, giving the camera
back to Gazi’s empty hands. She waved goodbye to him as she said, “aku berangkat dulu. Takut telat.”

As the door closed behind her, Gazi’s smile was still there. Eyes still sparked with adoration towards
her.

Little did Kaia know, Gazi swore to himself that day. His love may be imperfect, his love may be full
of flaws – but, as long as he breathes, his love will always be there for his woman, his lover, his lifeline,
his Kaia. Gazi swore to himself, he will always find his universe in her eyes, his home in her embrace.
Gazi swore to himself, Kaia will always be the thing he can’t outgrow.

Later that day, he called Joshua.

“Josh, bagi kontak wedding organizer dong.”

Matanya sedikit terbuka lebih lebar, raut mukanya menjadi bingung dan bertanya-tanya, yang lagi, ti-
dak akan gue salahkan karena memang gue yang ganjal menanyakan pertanyaan dengan topik tersebut
sepagi ini. Dibawanya tubuh gue mendekat, hampir remuk dibuatnya jika dia mengeratkan pelukann-
ya sedikit lebih lagi dari ini. Masih dengan segala kebingungan, dia bertanya, “Engga. Baru sama kamu
aku seserius ini. Kenapa nanya gitu pagi-pagi?”

66 67
68 69
 La La La Love Song
A S TO RY BY K A I YO

I initially thought Hanggara’s a man of 1001 date ideas. One time it could be a day out to an art gallery,
another day it could just be a walk around the park with ice cream perched in our palms. Most of the
time it’s an impromptu dinner at a restaurant he heard either from Joshua or Daniel—both of them
being his friends, which I had met by chance when I came over to his shared apartment the other day.
I’d never really taken him as a homebody, no, not when his texts were more often an offer to visit new
places every now and then than not. But it’s.. comical, almost, to see how his voice went a few pitches
higher when I told him that I wanted to stay in for the day. What’s so exciting about me cancelling our
plan, really?

“My place? Atau kamu mau aku yang pergi kesana? Josh and Daniel just went out so if you’re thinking of
com—”

“Kamu nih,” I slipped a soft sigh before I continued, “seneng banget ya aku cancel plan? I can come to your
place, Kak, no biggie. I was the one who offered to stay inside anyway.”

Hanggara chuckled faintly. “If you give me the option to relive one of our past dates, aku pasti bakal
milih buat diem di rumah sama kamu, Tasha. Except it’s my apartment with Joshua and Daniel instead
of our home.”

See, here’s the thing. I’d never really taken him as a homebody but neither had I ever taken him as a
huge flirt. Well, sure, I know—or knew—about his reputation. For the first few dates, he was still that
Hanggara everyone was gushing over; the women tamer, that smart and cunningly attractive senior,
yadda, yadda. Yet somehow, within my palm, he’s melting into this pool of raw and gooey emotions I’m
unfamiliar with. “Ngobrol our home-nya boleh ditahan sebentar? Someone has to rush to your place and
suffocate you with a hug so you will stop spewing words you don’t mean.”

He laughed and I smiled, unknowingly. “Hati-hati.”

You wouldn’t think Hanggara is a homebody, would you? From the tiny bits of my stories, from the
rumours, from his long list of volunteer experiences, down to his even longer list of activities. It just
doesn’t—didn’t—add up for him to be.. This. Whatever that was when he bumped his body against me
and pulled me into his embrace when it was my plan to hug the shit out of his nonsense, not the other
way.

His hair was slightly damp. Probably just finished showering and only had the time to hand-tow-
el it. I realised so when my arms were circled around his neck and they brushed against the
soft strands of his hair. “Ganti ya?” I mumbled softly as I ran my fingers through his locks.

“Ganti? What, my shampoo?”

I nodded. He couldn’t see my face because his face was buried deep in the crook of my neck but I was
grinning (like a fool) when I mumbled, “You smell like me. Like.. my shampoo, to be exact. Like me.”

70 71
 Hanggara pulled away to ruffle the top of my hair before he dragged me inside by the hand, shrugging
his shoulders lightly. “Aku beli shampoo kamu. Just in case.” If you’re wondering about the size of his
apartment: it’s comfortable enough for 3 men to live in. Surprisingly, too, tidy enough. Not sure who’s
in charge but it is most definitely not Hanggara. That much I can tell. “Food, Tash?”
“Just in case apa, Kak? We can have takeouts. Fried chicken, burger, anything.”
“Manggil ‘Kak’ sekali lagi ya, Tasha,” Hanggara grunted softly, eyes stern at me but below it all was just
this familiar air of warmth, so I stifled a laugh at that sight. Hanggara had never liked being called
‘Kak’ because we were, indeed, same-age although it didn’t seem that way to me at first. I went with the
safest option: assuming Hanggara’s older than me which, apparently, turned out to be wrong. I couldn’t
seem to get rid of that habit even now, though. “Pizza? Do you want pizza?”
I nodded at the question and threw my body at the sofa with my eyes still glued at Hanggara’s back.
(He was busy picking some trash up and going round and round the kitchen. Don’t ask me why.) “Per-
tanyaan tadi kapan jawabnya? What’s so important about you buying the same exact shampoo as mine
that you keep on avoiding the question?”
“Just in case,” there was a small hesitant pause before he continued, “I miss the smell of your shampoo.
Or I miss you, that works too.”
“Sure, kangen shampoo. Suuure.”
Hanggara squinted. “Apaan tuh, kok sarkas?”
I raised an eyebrow. “Harusnya aku pulang aja ya? Kan kangennya sama shampoo and not me.”
“Tasha..”
One of the many perks of dating Hanggara is that you get to see him sulk, get to see the side he’s so
reluctant to show to others. I sheepishly grinned at the man who was still standing a few steps away
from the sofa and lightly patted the vacant space beside me. “I don’t understand why you’re standing
there instead of sitting here when your girlfriend is right here. Katanya kangen aku?”
And that was all it took for Hanggara to occupy the seat beside me, magically pulling me to rest my
back against his chest, his arms protective around my torso. It felt warm. Literally. Figuratively, too.
“Tumben, gak bawa laptop,” he muttered as he placed his chin on my shoulder.
“We can have a day of cuddling without having to look at my or your tasks, can’t we?” His question
made sense, though. We never really had the chance to just lay around and spend our time together
without a laptop on our laps and a deadline to chase after since the first time I knew him. Hell. I used
to even make excuses of needing his help with my tasks when we weren’t a thing yet.. Just to come
over to his place. In retrospect, that was kind of lame. Wonder how Hanggara didn’t see through my
bullshit.
“Yaa, mana aku tau. Dulu kan ada yang suka modus nanya materi that I’m pretty sure you’re well versed in
just to come over and hang out, kan?”​​
Touché. Why would I even think Hanggara would fall for my lame tricks? I only pushed myself back
even further against his body to make sure that he got to look at my face before I rolled my eyes play-
fully. “Mana makasihnya, Bapak Hanggara? Because frankly speaking we wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for
my lame modus.”
72
Hanggara, as expected, replied with multiple kisses on my temple instead of words (which I have no
complaints for, by the way) and due to how close he was to my face, I got to sniff on the same famil-
iar perfume once again; the same musky and floral scent of my shampoo—our shampoo, now. It felt
funny that I was comforted by the idea of having someone to smell just like me when I had the habit
of gatekeeping everything in my possession for years and, yes, I blamed it on being an Aquarius but
that’s beside the point.
The point was: I was letting myself free fall into him and it felt.. safe. It felt safe with or without a
safety net. It felt safe that I was in his embrace, that his lips were latched to mine, that our fingers were
entwined to one another. It felt safe drowning myself in this pool of gooey and raw emotions I would
always be unfamiliar with. It felt safe that I didn’t have to worry about what the next day would hold.
It felt safe with Hanggara.
It had never felt this safe until Hanggara happened.
Hanggara brushed his thumb against the corner of my lips as we parted from the kiss, a soft smile
etched to his lips. He had always had this glint of mischief in his eyes and smile (one thing that got
me really hooked to him, if you’re wondering) but at that time, I couldn’t see much of it. Just his warm
and soft smile, his gentle rubs against my cheek, and his soft murmurs of, “Tash, hujan tuh. Mau liat?”
So Hanggara’s indeed a man of 1001 date ideas because even when we’re cramped inside of his apart-
ment, he always had his ways of making sure that I was entertained. Like looking at the view of rain
falling over New York, narrating stories of the people we saw passing by the busy street through the
window of his apartment, and sharing laughter over the songs that got played through the speaker
while we reminisced over the memories we have linked to those songs. It didn’t always have to be a
visit to some art galleries or a dinner out in funky restaurants. It could be us dancing to Taylor Swift
songs with my hand on his, his other palm on my waist, unsteady steps, and imperfect turns. It could
be finding a good song through the strange algorithm of YouTube and claiming it as ours. It could be as
simple as talking about our day in the comfort of his bed, legs tangled, lights dimmed, while exchang-
ing sleepy stares and yawns. It didn’t have to be anything grand as long as it’s ours.
We’re incessantly happy and it’s all that matters. The future road could be bumpy for all I care but
Hanggara is where I chose to come home to and I knew, for sure, he’s on the same page I was.
(“Han.”
“Mhm?”
“Pernah kebayang gak sih what would happen to us kalau waktu itu kita gak ketemu?”
“Then I’d probably stumble upon you in a different setting. A far more appropriate one, I’m guessing.”
“Kok yakin? What would happen if I’m in a relationship with someone else before you come along?”
“Kamu ngomong gini kayak orang bisa pacaran aja deh, Tash.”
“Ini aku sama kamu bukan pacaran emangnya?”
“You’re doing this because it’s me, not some random dude.”
“Oh, fuck off, Libra.”
73
 “Sure, little miss unsure whether a relationship is a good idea.”

“You’re..”

“What? I’m what?”

“Annoying. Answer me, kenapa yakin?”

“Have you ever thought of a different possibility, one that doesn’t have me in it.. One that doesn’t have us?”

“Kok nanya balik? But no, the answer is no.”

“There, you have the answer. I don’t want to think—and I have never thought—of the possibilities of not having
you around. In my present, in my future. So if you ask me what would have happened had we not met back then,
jawaban aku bakal selalu: we might meet in a different setting at a different time. We would still meet, somehow,
because our paths would always cross each other.”

“Kalau engga?”

“Then I’d force it to happen. Susah amat.”)

74 75
76 77
 You, Me and Butterflies
A S TO RY BY AU D R I E

I t was 2014. The final semester of high school had started. It was surreal to think that I was about
to graduate and become a university student in a couple of months because I swore I was only a
junior yesterday.

“Mal! Shen!” I called out to my best friends as I arrived at the school building.

“Hai, Din! Sini sini!” shouted Shenna, gesturing for me to come over to her and Malika.

Malika stood up immediately to embrace me in a hug. “We missed you, Din! How are you? How’s
Melbourne?”

I spent my summer break in Australia to search for a university to continue my undergraduate study,
though my parents suggested that I enroll at the same one as my brother due to its reputation and
safe environment. While I Had to admit that it was, I guessed I could never escape being “Kak
Sandi’s little sister” even in university, since we both had been studying at the same school since
kindergarten.

“Guys, tenang gue belum pindah,” I laughed at her dramatic response. “Yeah, Melbourne was great by
the way.”

The rest of my friends—Abby, Dean and Chris—had finally arrived, but I was attracted to the deep
voice that suddenly called to me.

“Andin! Long time no see!” He shouted.

And there he was. Aidan Samudra Jahja, a good friend of mine and the guy whom I had been
crushing on throughout my high school years.

“Hi, Dan! Makin keren aja.”

He giggled, “I have plenty of song recommendations for you, nanti gue kasih tahu pas lunch,”

Let me tell you a brief story of how I came to have feelings for Aidan. He was one of the new stu-
dents back in Grade 10 and was fairly quiet most of the time. Aidan was considered the nerd in our
friend circle of seven because he wore glasses and was always seen reading different books during
recess.

I didn’t have feelings for him from the start since we didn’t interact much until we were paired up
for a chemistry project. We ended up talking intensely, whether it was about the project or our
personal lives, and we got to know each other better. And… that was when the butterflies flew. I
loved his attractive face whenever he was concentrating on an assignment. I loved his selflessness
when he tried to help me and our friends. I loved his dry humor whenever he tried to crack a joke.

78 79
 But the one that sealed the deal was when we recommended songs to each other, which had become
kind of our love language.
***
I sat at our usual table with my friends during lunch. It was 12 PM and there was still plenty of time
before the next class would begin. Dean and Chris went to the field to play soccer, while Abby,
Shenna and Malika went to the restroom, leaving Aidan and I alone.
“Din din,” he called me, “nih, gue sampe bikin playlist of all the songs I want you to hear,”
He showed me his Spotify playlist with the title “Andin Must Listen”. I laughed at his cute antic,
“Sumpah niat banget ya, lo.”
“I’ve been listening to Korean ballads and acoustics lately and I hope these songs will match your
music taste,” he explained, “Enak semua, it’s a perfect lullaby or a company for your study sessions.”
“Oh wow, I recognized some of these artists. I think I will love them,” I said, scrolling down his
playlist to see names like Paul Kim, IU, Heize and many more. “Thank you, Dan, nanti gue follow,
ya.”
I gave his phone back and resumed my lunch, until Aidan called my name again.
“Din, gue mau ngomong sesuatu sama lo.”
“Kenapa, Dan?” I could feel my heart beating fast. Honestly, part of me wanted him to confess to
me right then and there, but that was just wishful thinking. Part of me thought it would be silly too
because…why would he want to go out with me?
His face seemed tense, as if he was about to uncover his deepest, darkest secret. He leaned his face
closer to mine. “Please don’t tell anyone though, but…”
“Yes sure, your secret is safe with me, kenapa?”
And then the next words that escaped his mouth felt like a nightmare.
“I think I’m going to ask Shenna to go out with me,”
***
I cried all the way home, trying to hide my face from my brother who was driving. He kept glancing
at me, I could sense that, but I was too embarrassed to face him. “Din, lo engga apa-apa?” He
ultimately asked.
Trying to cover my shaky voice, I replied, “Iya, Kak, capek aja,”
I remembered every word Aidan said earlier: he started to have feelings for Shenna, one of my best
friends since kindergarten other than Malika. He saw her for the first time in high school and they
had been spending time together both in and out of school. I found out they had a lot in common
too, from their hobbies and interests.
80
“Oh, sejak kapan suka sama Shenna, Dan?” I asked nervously.
“Udah lumayan lama, sih, since the start of high school I guess?” He admitted. “Is it late for me to
confess to her, though? Udah mau lulus juga ya kita?”
“I mean, yeah, but it won’t hurt to try, kan?”
“Yeah, I think I’ll go for it one day, and you’ll be the first one to know,”'
I felt stupid for realizing it then. I wanted to blame Shenna for liking him or Aidan for not
knowing what I truly felt about him, but honestly, I was the one to blame. If only I was brave enough
to confess, if only I was fast enough to find the right time, if only I could’ve fought my insecurities
and be confident enough to be noticed by him, and countless other ‘if onlys’.
I was defeated by my own cowardice.
***
Flash forward to our farewell trip in Bali before we finally went our separate ways. We did our final
exams the month before and recently graduated, so it’s only a matter of time before we continue our
next journey in university.
Dean suggested that we share or confess our secrets to each other because he thought it might be
awhile before we meet again. Malika confessed that she had a crush on a senior, Dean said he had
been seeing a psychologist ahead of our final exams and Aidan and Shenna shared the story of their
relationship.
I knew it was silly for me to confess right after their romantic story, but since I figured that it might
take a long time for me to meet them again, I thought, screw it, right?
“So, this is a confession for someone whom I had a crush on for so long, I hope you guys won’t be too
surprised,” I said in a rush. “Aidan, I used to have a crush on you, and I’m sorry for telling this now
because I didn’t have the courage back then,”
I was starting to regret my decision because the moment I said that, the silence was too loud. I didn’t
have the courage to glance at Aidan and Shenna, who were sitting beside each other next to me.
“Gue mulai suka sama lo sejak kita dipasangin untuk chemistry project, I don’t know if you
remember but we interacted a lot since then because we had to work on this 3D model of an element
for like a week, and I enjoyed every moment we had,” I continued. “Gue merasa nyaman dan
nyambung kalau ngobrol sama lo, and I love it when we recommend songs to each other.
“And Shenna, my dearest, loveliest Shenna, I’m so sorry for not knowing about this and I just hope
our friendship will not change in the future. Please don’t think that this is your fault too because it
never was. I’m really happy for you guys and I’m wishing the best for both of you, I really mean it.”
As soon as I said this, Shenna looked at me tearfully, before she got up and left. I glanced at the rest
of my friends who were just as shocked as me.
Abby tapped my hand lightly. “Coba samperin aja, Din, mungkin dia lagi bingung sama kaget aja.”
I looked at Aidan for reassurance too, thinking that he might want to approach his girlfriend first
before me. He nodded, “It’s okay Din, maybe she needs her friends first,”
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 Bracing myself for the worst–or best I don’t know? Hopefully?–I tried to approach Shenna, who was
sobbing lightly on the terrace of our rented villa. I stood there hesitantly before I called her.
“Shen…” I said softly, as Shenna looked at my direction. “Do you mind if I sit next to y-”
Shenna got up and hugged me as soon as she saw me. She cried on my shoulder as her arms wrapped
around me tightly. “Din, gue minta maaf ya, maaf…” She pleaded.
I rubbed her back to soothe her while she kept on apologizing to me. “Shen udah shen, it’s okay,
it’s not your fault, feelings can be controlled, right?” I said this while I tried to hold back my tears.
“We’re going to be okay.”
Shenna continued to sob, “I feel like a bad friend Din, I’m so sorry, truly sorry,”
“You’re not, you will always be my friend.”
We both cried that night over the same reason: love. It was heartbreaking for us to experience our
first love the hard way, especially when it involved our friendship along the way. But our bond only
got stronger despite it all.
***
E I GHT Y EARS LATER
It was 2022. Malika and I were attending our first high school reunion at a hotel in Jakarta. Most of
our friends were either busy with their work or were currently overseas, so unfortunately, they were
unable to come.
I was waiting for Malika at the table while she was taking her food from the buffet, when I felt a
light tap on my shoulder. I saw Aidan standing behind me, looking neat with a navy shirt and a
pudding in his hand, “Aidan! Oh wow, how are you?”
“Hi Andin.” He flashed a smile. “I’m good, how are you?”
“I’m good too, grab a seat.” I motioned him to sit in front of me next to Malika’s chair, “Udah lama
enggak ketemu, ke mana aja?”
It had been years since I last talked to him. Things might have shifted between us since I confessed to
him back on our farewell trip, but we still tried to keep in contact until his busy schedule got in our
way. He had been working as an engineer in Sydney for almost two years and I think it’s safe to say
that he’s thriving in terms of his career.
Unfortunately, he and Shenna called it quits due to the long distance. I got the news from Shenna
when we hung out with Malika the previous month, but I hadn’t heard anything from him, until he
was seated in front of me at that reunion.
“I’m sorry I didn’t get to tell you guys about it, I was caught up with work as usual and… it was hard
for me to tell anyone,” he said,
“Take your time, Dan, it’s okay,” I reassured him, “sorry to hear that,”
He nodded. “How about you? Do you have a special someone right now?”
82
Just when I was about to answer him, my phone rang with the name ‘Daniel’ popping up on the
screen. I muttered a quick “Sorry” to Aidan while he gave me a thumbs up, signaling that it was okay
for me to take the call and cut our conversation short.
“Hi hi… Iya masih di acaranya… Kenapa? Oh sure… Nanti aku kabarin aja kalau udah mau selesai ya…
Okay stay safe… Love you,” I hung up the phone. “So, where were we?”
“So, I guess that was your special someone?” He asked jokingly.
Aidan must’ve noticed the blush on my cheeks as he let out a giggle. “Iya, that’s Daniel, we’ve been
going out for a few months,” I said.
“Udah bilang love you segala, ya?” He teased me. “I bet he’s the sweetest guy,”
I covered my face slightly to hide my embarrassment, “He really is,”
We were quiet once again as we both stared at each other. Memories suddenly flashed through my
mind and I remembered our time back in high school—when we worked together on our chemistry
project, when we recommended songs to each other, when we joked around after a hard exam or
assignment and other pure moments when he used to be the guy who gave me my first butterfly.
“Din, I’m sorry, ya,” he said softly. “Sorry for not realizing your feelings sooner,”
It took me a moment to reply to him. I never wanted him to think it was his fault for not knowing
how I felt, when I’m the one who didn’t get to tell him in the first place. I don’t want him to feel
guilty and imagine if our lives could’ve been different if I confessed earlier. “No, don’t say that, if
anyone’s at fault it’s me who didn’t get to tell you sooner,” I said, reassuring him. “If it means
anything to you, I will forever cherish the times we spent in high school and listen to the playlist you
made for me. So, thank you for being my first love, Aidan Samudra.”
“The pleasure is all mine, Andin Arestri,” he smiled. “I will forever cherish you,”
I remembered what my mom said about experiencing your first love: it could either be the most
enchanting moment in your life or the most heart-wrenching one that you’d despise. I’d like to think
that mine fell in the middle—it might not work out for me, but I only had the sweetest memories
with Aidan. And through my first love, I had opened another path, which led me to the boy next
door I could call home.
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84 85
 Sundays
A S TO RY BY A N DI N

***
MONDAY

W aking up every morning is easy. What’s not easy is having to leave her boyfriend’s arms in
order to do so.

Gazi’s breaths puff into the crook between her neck and shoulder, following a steady rhythm that
indicates he’s still fast asleep, even though his phone is beeping with alerts of messages from his best
friend-slash-Chief Executive Officer, reminding him of their weekly meeting which will commence
in approximately ninety, eighty-nine, now eighty-eight minutes.

While Kaia is a commendable and strong woman – powering through an LLB degree in one of the
best and most highly competitive law programs in the world, dealing with sorrowful human rights
cases for her three meals of the day, to taking in the disapproving sneer her father sends towards her
serious boyfriend every time he brings up the prospect of marriage – there are some things in life
that she will still fall like easy prey for.

Kaia’s phone beeps this time. Gazi’s arms lock around Kaia’s midsection like a tightrope, tugging her
close, pressing her back to his chest. If it’s not the alarm that's bound to wake her up then it’s the
way his arms are so unbelievably tight around her body for someone who’s fast asleep that it’s nearly
cutting off her circulation, quickening her breathing and cutting off oxygen. She’s sure her hair is
tickling Gazi’s nose and is bound to annoy him, but she’s many things, and a disturbance is not even
one of them to Gazi.
***
TU E S DAY

This morning the warmth embracing Kaia does not originate from her very large, very warm, very
much human puppy of a boyfriend, but rather her wispy bed quilt and covers. She minorly shifts
her position, causing a tug and a fold to a corner of the fabric, exposing her leg to the cool air of the
bedroom – despite the not-so-cold and very much hot and passionate activities they’d been up to the
night before.

The chill travels to Kaia’s entire body and kick starts her muscles. She swings her legs off the bed and
into her house slippers, in search of the warmth her body bends like water towards. It leads her to
her kitchen, where her hooded eyes, still heavy with tiredness and fog of sleep that has yet to clear
from her head, spy a tall figure leaning over her stove.

Her muscles work before her slumber-riddled mind does, dragging her body over to the said figure,
wrapping her arms around the figure’s torso, pressing her face into the still-warm skin despite him
not wearing anything to cover himself up. Her fingers tangle into the string of his sweatpants, a
habit from last night that seems to not have disappeared.

86 87

Gazi hums, landing one of his hands on top of Kaia’s sitting atop his belly, the other slowly stirring
scrambled eggs in the cooking pan. They stay like that for a moment, Kaia pressing open mouthed
kisses to the span of his broad back. Her guards are let down. This is a moment just for the two of
them. Time feels to have stopped.
He clicks the stove off once a delicious scent starts to hang in the air, and Kaia takes a seat by the
kitchen island while Gazi does his magic and plates an otherwise seemingly mundane breakfast.
He pushes one of the plates towards Kaia, takes a seat next to her, smiles at her before nodding
towards the food. Kaia inches closer so that their shoulders bump into one another, Gazi always
sitting at her left so his elbow doesn’t knock into hers whenever they eat.
***
W EDNESDAY
Kaia almost always has her phone on Do Not Disturb mode during office hours. It’s imperative that
she gets her job done on time, rarely ever brings her files home if she can do anything to avoid it,
and actually works during the time she’s in the office instead of scrolling through pointless Twitter
memes like her boyfriend occasionally does. On a regular day, he sends them to Kaia as well,
forwarding the link to the post and followed with an incomprehensible string of emojis or those
corny internet laughs her work colleagues use. Other times he’s sending pictures of new restaurants
that have popped up in Jakarta, or the furry creatures that are the center of the foundation her boy-
friend works for.
The day was as regular as any other weekday was, if not for the fact that this time, instead of another
one of whatever meme Indonesian netizens are bending backward in laughter about at this given
point in time, Gazi is signaling something that sounds an awful lot like he’s arrived at the lobby of
her office tower and is waiting for her, with no further explanation.
Kaia only spares a glance at her lit-up phone screen until she fully registers what Gazi said. She raises
an eyebrow, before tucking the stack of paper back into her folder. She whispers to her deskmate to
explain where she’s headed, slowly pushing her chair back in under the desk, and tapping her feet to
an unheard rhythm as the elevator drifts down to the lobby floor.
The metal doors of the elevator open up to a bustling lobby, not unlike the busy crossroads of the
metropolitan city’s main roads. Despite the rapid movement and traffic of people crowding the
grand entrance, she spots her boyfriend rather easily. It’s not that he stands out – in the literal sense
he is a definite head taller than the average population, but Kaia’s eyes will always naturally gravitate
and pin on him in any room they are in. It’s like he’s the center of her universe, the sun in which she
orbits.
The second Gazi notices her coming out of the elevator, he puts on an elated grin which makes Kaia’s
heart burst at the seams. He’s busy, they’re both busy, no doubt, yet what is he doing here, during
such precious lunch break hours that is most coveted by most corporate employees?
“I came over because I wanted to see you,” he whispers into her hair, arms around her shoulder,
running down the expanse of her back over her silk blazer. Kaia reciprocates with locking her hands
around his nape, burrowing her face, taking in Gazi’s classic sandalwood fragrance, as if it wasn’t
enough that a whiff of it puffs up everytime she sinks into her pillow, her sofa, that one scarf she’d
88
lent to Gazi while on their trip to New York.
***
THU RS DAY
The years Kaia and Gazi have accumulated in between the two of them, the hours, minutes, and
seconds that have ticked from the moment they were brought together and have not separated since
affords them something akin to psychicness in some regards. It’s in the way they move, act, think,
and speak.
It’s one of the days Kaia arrives home earlier than Gazi does. Most typically neither of them can
afford to leave work early unless a dire emergency calls for it. Kaia’s boss must have seen the dry bags
under Kaia’s eyes and Kaia’s usually wrinkle-free work blouse polluted with creases and wrinkles.
Kaia’s boss also saw the errors in her typically neat document which used to always appear as if they
were typed by an automated machine. The final nail driven into the coffin was when Kaia broke
down as she scanned the brief of a new case they’d received. Years of being in this profession should
have gotten Kaia used to such atrocities faced by the victims, yet Kaia’s sensitivity was at an all-time
high it seems.
Kaia is a strong-willed, well-mannered, leveled woman. She’s hardened her shell, built her wall of
defenses and easily slips into a mask of practiced poise and grace in front of anyone she meets. She
barely lets her guard down enough for anyone to see not the real her, but rather a loosened, freer
version of her. Each human has many different facets to themselves, and Kaia thinks no one but her
mother and Gazi have come close to seeing them.
The lights are dim when Gazi punches in the keycode and comes inside. He furrows his brows at
Kaia’s heels haphazardly laying in the foyer, unlike how she usually neatly organizes them on the
rack. He does not loudly call out for her in order not to disturb the silence, an unnerving soundless
atmosphere that feels like it's about to suck all the air out of his lungs.
The bedroom door is slightly ajar. A slight push of Gazi’s fingers opened up the wrinkled sheets, Kaia
leaning on the side of the bed on the floor, knees pulled up to her chin. Gazi stumbles next to her,
tugs her into his hold by her shoulder, feeling her lithe body shake in muffled sobs. He doesn’t say
anything, she doesn’t either. There is no need for them to fill the silence.
Tomorrow will be a new day. Gazi is something new, yet old, a presence that will never disappear
and will always return in a new form, like energy. He will always be there for her for all the days to
come.
***
FR IDAY
A dinner to signal the end of a long week, long work hours, long readings and case briefs, long
meetings that drag by. Kaia walks into the wonderful smell of basil and parsley in the air that night,
her body instantly blanketed with a warmth from the apartment, enveloped in a sense of coming
home.
Her home is standing by the stove once again, grating aged cheese onto a pile of al dente penne
pasta. Her home spins on his heels, balancing a plate on each hand, greets her, welcoming her.
89
 She shoves forkful after forkful into her mouth, overwhelmed at how her boyfriend is a better chef
than the ones in the most upscale restaurants in the city. Gazi laughs and tells her to slow down, she
can have seconds and thirds if she wants.
Later on, when wine swirls in her mouth and stains her lips red, then tasting it on Gazi’s lips, her
thighs bracketing his hips, space no longer existing in between their bodies, she thinks there’s no one
else that is a better, lover and best friend than him that she could’ve ever asked for.
***
SATURDAY
Kaia wedges her phone in between her head and shoulder, pushing from inside of the bathroom and
walking over to the sink area.
Kaia pretends to read from her novel, even though she’s been stuck on the same page for about half
an hour, of which she’s sure the barista behind her has taken notice of. She drains her americano,
poking at the ice cubes with her straw. Anything to distract her from the fact that she misses him,
craves his presence at all times despite pretending like she’s fine.
The very figure she’s waited for finally arrives as the clock strikes thirty to ten, changed into a black
polo and light, breezy trousers, face tanned from the morning sun, hair ruffled to a touch thanks to
the morning breeze. He’s perfect as always.
He sees her before she does him, her back facing the door. Gazi slowly approaches her, gently
pushing her hair back from her shoulder, his chin taking its place, as his arm lightly drapes around
her front. He raises his shoulder, pressing her closer to him, her usual scent of Byredo Mojave Ghost
wafting into his nose.

Briefly ending the call, she tugs on a stray strand of hair, tucking it in behind her ear and dropping “Missed you.”
her sunglasses back onto the bridge of her nose, prepared for the incoming slaught of light that’s
bound to hit her the second she leaves the bathroom. “Missed you too,” Kaia replies, willing her smile to die down, “though you’re stinky. Don’t blame me
if they kick you out of the brunch place.”
Changi Airport is busy on the weekends, people going for quick getaways or returning from work
or duties abroad. She passes by a group of stewardesses, each of them giggling with one another, the He lightly knocks his head onto hers. “Mind you, I am not a dog.”
familiar sound of the roll of the wheels tracing behind them. She smiles to herself; she’d wanted to
become like them when she was younger. It was like any other childhood pipe dream, and who didn’t He smells like sun, sweat, and violet. He’s perfect as always. They’re perfect.
want to have a valid reason to travel the world if not for your job entailing you to do so?

Gazi is leaning against a nearby pillar, typing something rapidly on his phone. She saunters towards
him, hiking the strap of her bag up her shoulder as she stops in front of him. Matching elated grins,
feeling exactly like she’s where she needs to be.

Gazi tucks the strand of hair behind her ear again, slightly bending down to look her in the eye, his
smile growing tenfold. His hand stretches up and drops around her shoulder, and Kaia’s goes to his
waist.

“Shall we go now?”

She used to think she needed to search the world to find the right home for her. Now she knows
home is wherever she goes, as long as they’re with each other.

***
SUNDAY

Tee time usually consists of Gazi being the one on the playing field with his friends, strictly veering
away from work-related conversations and play a so-called not competitive round, even though Han
always bests him and makes fun of him for it. Kaia usually greets him afterwards for brunch and then
they set off out to wherever Gazi has planned for the day.

Gazi makes the drive across the street from Senayan Golf Course to the Starbucks tucked in the
corner of SOGO, where Kaia is waiting for him. It’s moments like these that makes Kaia feel like a
real – wait for it – wife, a lawfully wedded partner who had vowed to have and hold from that day
forward, to love, cherish, and obey.

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 Those Blue Days
A S TO RY BY K E Z I A

I wake up by a familiar scent–cedarwood and tuberose filled the air–and a warm, gentle kiss on my
forehead then on the cheeks and lips, it feels super warm to the stage that if it isn’t a selfish act,
then I’ll rather choose to not open my eyes - but still, I have to.

If you ask me how it feels to live under the same roof with Hanggara Putra Maharaja - as his wife,
then I’ll proudly say it’s like a rollercoaster ride, for real. I mean, we’ve been like that ever since the
unspoken agreement back in our good old days. Those 9 years, with our huge ego, our ambition,
simple disagreements turning into huge arguments, huge arguments turning into cold wars, amongst
other things that will inevitably make me dizzy just thinking about them.

But after the vow that we took in New York, the vow that bound us to have and to hold, from this day
forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part, we
naturally and slowly became the best version of us, not only for both of us, but for the three of us.

Han’s morning is always unexpected, sometimes I see him sleeping soundly beside me, the next time
he’s already sitting stiffly on his desk with his laptop, other times he’s nowhere to be found–or to be
exact he’s out of town meeting with clients or to oversee the shelter. So to have him staring at me as
I open my eyes after his kisses, to look at his dazzling eyes from up close, to see how fond his smile is,
it’s another reason to be grateful for.

“Happy birthday, Tasha.” He rubs and kisses my forehead once again, to make me fall deeper into his
scent. After Janitra turned 1 somehow birthday always excites us, so we decided to always make it a
mandatory family thing to celebrate.

“You’ve been taking this assignment very seriously, Han.”

He chuckles, “It’s for my wife after all.”

“Udah mau berangkat?” Of course I would think that he’s about to go off and work, since he’s already
dressed in a blue long-sleeve shirt paired with khaki pants.

“Nope, hari ini full remote. I’ve already reserved a place for your birthday dinner.”

“After office kan bisa?”

“No, I want to spend your birthday with you and Janitra. Kerjaan aku juga bisa di-handle tanpa harus
ke kantor, so it’s fine.”

“I’m fine, Han, it can wa–” but before I can finish the sentence, the door opens to a little angel–our
little angel–singing happy birthday with her tiny voice, while coming closer to me. She hands a letter
she made herself as a gift before climbing up the bed and showering me with warmest hugs from her
little body on my back, “Selamat ulang tahun, Mama,” she says.

94 95
 ***
If you know–I believe you do know–how I managed to do things on my own. How I built myself to
be the smartest, even strongest person in the room, how I didn’t want others to see me at my lowest
even for a slight glance. But when it came to having the little angel that came into my life abruptly,
in a very sudden way, in the moment where I wasn’t prepared enough both mentally and physically,
to the point where I let myself and her suffer inside my belly for nine months, I didn’t mind if I had
to show my brittle side in front of her.
Yes, you heard it right, I let her suffer and fight on her own, luckily the blood that ran through her
veins came from Han and I, so she survived, indeed another strong Maharaja and Pranadipa. After
the marriage, we were fully aware of what the future would offer us, what kind of responsibility we
had to carry, what kind of agreement that had to be made for the sake of defending and saving the
marriage. But to have another human being in the house, to have another version of Han and I -
combined, it’s another thing, it was something that I had been thinking, but never fully ready, even
until the day had finally come.
There was silence between us for a while, an understanding over just how challenging the next few
years would be–how the reality of having to take care of another human being finally hit us like a
semi-truck, “I know, Sha, aku tau, nggak apa-apa. Maafin aku kalau aku masih kurang siaga terus buat
kamu. I promise I’ll make it up for you.” Making the tears fall down even more, but it was warm
enough at least at that moment–I had him. That’s what I needed. “There’s no right or wrong way on
how to be a good parent, we both acknowledge that. Aku tau seberapa hebatnya kamu, aku selalu bangga
sama kamu, dan aku selalu percaya sama kamu, remember I flew all the way from NY just to be with
you, right? You will be a great mom, I knew that for sure. Just put your trust in me as well, and let’s
ride this journey together, Sha, aku yakin Janitra juga berusaha, she will try to be a good little angel for
us”
And as he promised, he’d make it up for me, and always did.
He always does.
***

I remember clearly how everything went well during the first and second trimester, I know she’s
there and she was already my ally. I thought she knew that her soon-to-be-mom was working so she
didn’t want to be troublesome, but I guess she wanted to be recognized, she wanted her parents to
direct more time and attention to her, she simply just wanted to feel the love. Hence, she stopped
compromising any longer - the third trimester hit hard.
“Aku anter Janitra dulu, you can go to the salon and such, have some me time. I’ll pick you up
afterwards.” While I’m still trying to figure things out, while I’m still trying to rub the sleepiness of
my eyes, he lands one kiss on my forehead and adds, “Happy birthday, Sha, I know you should be the
one receiving a gift, but you have to remember that your existence is indeed a blessing for both me
and Janitra. See you.”

On top of that, after Janitra officially became the new member in our house, our bedroom, our bed, the
situation became even worse.

I started crying over diaper blowouts, my whole body hurt like crazy, yet I couldn't close my eyes no
matter how tired I was, snapped at Han a lot of times, even sometimes I wished I could just jump
into my car and drive somewhere–anywhere to be back to the old Tasha, without worrying about my
next breastfeeding session. Luckily, I had Han as my partner. I had Han as a husband.

He noticed it ever since the third trimester, and he tried his best to help me overcome the storm.
He started to always pick me up after office even though he had another schedule afterwards, or
even when he was miles away from my office, or when he decided to work from home when I took
a day off because it’s hard to breathe that day, or when I woke up to find his last search on iPad was
‘How to bond with your baby during pregnancy' or the way he lowered his ego when we started to bicker
about useless things, the way he was always ready at dawn no matter how tired he was to take me to
the toilet, or the way he took care of me that time when I started crying at the nursery room out of
the blue, Han would always be there.

The craziest one was when he flew in from Jogja, just because Thalia told him that I started crying at
home for no reason.

“Sha,” in a smooth-as-silk tone, I knew how much he rushed to be with me at that time, I could
definitely tell from his labored breathings, I could definitely tell from the beads of sweat on his neck
and forehead, I could definitely tell from his crumpled rolled-up sleeves–but he managed to stay
calm as he entered the room, as he approached and pulled me closer to his side, to comfort me.

We both sat down on the floor in front of Janitra’s crib, looked at how tiny she was at that time, and
how she managed to sleep soundly, as she should. I let myself drown inside Han’s embrace, leaving a
huge stain from every teardrop that fell down on his cotton blue shirt.

96 97
98 99
 Unrequited Love (& Other Clichés)
A S TO RY BY A I S H A

YOU W E R E GOOD TO ME
“Shoot your shot, Nala.” Gazi dengan tatapan teduhnya mencoba meyakinkan Kainala, perempuan di depannya
yang tengah mempertimbangkan apa yang akan ia lakukan selanjutnya.

“But promise me after this you won’t change, okay?”

Gazi mengangguk dengan yakin. Kainala menarik nafasnya dalam-dalam, mencoba bertanya pada hatinya sekali
lagi, apakah ia yakin untuk melakukan ini? Untuk melepaskan segala hal yang pernah ia rasakan dengan laki-la-
ki di depannya ini? Apakah ia mampu untuk menerima konsekuensi yang pasti akan didapatkan setelah ini?

Jawabannya selalu ada di sana, tepat di depan wajah Kainala. Namun, memang pada dasarnya sifat penasaran
serta keras kepalanya memiliki sisi yang lebih dominan, membuat perempuan itu harus bertanya—dengan ala-
san agar semuanya menjadi jelas.

Kainala benci ketidakjelasan dan Gazi tanpa sengaja memberikan itu kepadanya.

“I want to be with you forever, Gazi.” Kalimat itu akhirnya keluar dari bibirnya. Satu detik… dua detik… ia mem-
perhatikan ekspresi Gazi yang tidak berubah sama sekali.

“Aku tau, kamu mungkin nggak bakalan expect aku bakalan ngomong gini kan? I’m sorry but I just… I don’t know…
You confuse me. Aku bingung sama kamu, Gazi. Kamu tuh, aduh…” Kainala memijat dahinya bingung dan dili-
hatnya Gazi yang masih menatapnya dengan tatapan yang sama, tidak berubah, tetap seperti beberapa detik
yang lalu. “I don’t know if you want me or not. I don’t know kamu sebenarnya mau kita gini aja atau gimana? Some-
times you give me everything and then seconds after that, you take that back. Stop making me feel special when you can’t
stand it. If you don’t like me at all, stop acting like you do.

“Stop giving me mixed signals, Zi, please?”

Gazi, dengan tatapan yang masih menenangkan, meraih pundak perempuan itu lalu mengelusnya lembut. Tan-
gannya lalu beralih ke puncak kepala dan mengusap-usap rambut Kainala di sana.

“Kainala, makasih ya karena udah ngasih tau aku tentang ini. Aku sejujurnya bingung mau jawab apa, tapi
makasih dulu enggak apa-apa kan?”

Gazi dengan kata-katanya.

Salah satu alasan kuat mengapa seorang Kainala, perempuan mandiri yang sempat memiliki pendirian kuat
untuk tidak pernah memiliki urusan dengan percintaan, kini merasakan perasaan yang sangat ia hindari dengan
seorang Gazi Radhana.

Kata-kata yang pria itu keluarkan memang simpel, namun dapat membuat Kainala merasa sebagai seseorang
yang dihargai.

Sebagai anak pertama di keluarga, Kainala sudah terbiasa merasa dikesampingkan atau tidak diperdulikan
oleh kedua orangtuanya. Sudah biasa bagi Kainala begitu mereka berlibur, kedua orangtua serta adiknya akan
meninggalkannya di kamar hotel sendirian dan kembali begitu hari sudah berganti. Sudah biasa bagi Kainala
dianggap tidak ada dan tidak dihargai akan segala pencapaiannya. Seperti tahun lalu, saat Kainala mendapatkan

100 101
 beasiswa dari pemerintah untuk belajar di Massachusetts Institute of Technology, kedua orang-tuanya hanya yang ia inginkan akhirnya sudah ia genggam.
mengucapkan selamat lewat pesan singkat, tidak memberikannya pelukan atau ucapan selamat secara verbal.
“It’s okay, Zi… I know. Thank you for telling me yaa.”
Kainala tidak pernah merasa dihargai eksistensinya selain saat dirinya bersama Gazi. Seorang teman dan saha-
bat yang ia temukan begitu dirinya sedang membaca di halaman asramanya. “You’re welcome, Nala.”

Gazi saat itu datang dengan tas-tas besar di sampingnya yang dapat ia asumsikan tas berisi barang-barang milik
salah satu penghuni asrama. Tidak jauh dari tempat Kainala duduk, Gazi menunggu seseorang untuk mem-
bawa barang bawaannya dan turun seorang laki-laki tinggi dari dalam sana yang merupakan teman Kainala.
Temannya yang bernama Joseph memanggil dan mengenalkannya dengan Gazi, mahasiswa baru yang pindah
ke asramanya.
Matahari yang menyinari mereka di taman asrama saat itu membuat siapapun orang yang melihat mereka—
Gazi dan Kainala—akan ikut tersenyum. Keduanya yang kini sama-sama menyunggingkan senyum serta tawa
mereka, melepas segala beban pikiran serta perasaan yang selama ini tertanam. Segala rasa yang akhirnya men-
guap dan menyatu dengan udara, terbang bebas ke langit, menghilang dari hadapan. Segala sesuatu yang pada
akhirnya, kembali seperti semula.

Setelah itu, mereka menjadi dekat. Gazi mengisi sesuatu yang kosong dalam dirinya, membuat seorang Kainala, —
pada akhirnya, jatuh juga.
If by some miracle you ever find yourself in the position to fall in love again, fall in love with me — It Ends With Us
Gazi hanya memberikan cahaya kecil dan Kainala menganggapnya sebagai suatu hal besar.

“Nggak apa-apa.”

Rambut kecoklatan milik Kainala ia selipkan ke belakang telinga, membuat sisi kanan perempuan itu terlihat
jelas olehnya.

Gazi dengan gerak-gerik kecilnya.

Sebuah kebiasaan bagi Gazi untuk menyelipkan rambut Kainala ke belakang telinga begitu ia ingin berbicara.
Sebuah kebiasaan pula ia memotong daging steak yang dipesan oleh Kainala lalu memberikannya setelah sudah
dipotong kecil-kecil lalu kemudian baru memotong steak miliknya. Sebuah kebiasaan pula untuk melindungi
Kainala dengan tangannya sebagai pelindung dari pintu yang pendek serta ujung meja yang tajam baginya. Se-
buah kebiasaan pula untuk Gazi yang otomatis memesankan makanan yang ingin Kainala makan tanpa perlu
diberitahu.

Alasan lain mengapa Kainala dapat jatuh, bahkan untuk saat ini dia sudah jatuh, kepada seorang pria bernama
Gazi Radhana.

“Nala,” panggilnya dengan suara pelan, “mau denger jawabanku nggak?”

Yang dipanggil menengok ke arah sumber suara, dapat ia lihat wajah Gazi yang cerah memberikan senyuman
paling manis yang pernah Kainala lihat. Senyuman yang mungkin akan menjadi senyum terakhir yang akan ia
lihat untuk saat ini.

“Ngomong aja sih… cepet!”

“First of all, thank you for telling me this, ya, Nala? Sebenernya sih aku udah tau kamu bakalan ngomong kayak
gini ke aku, cepat atau lambat, dan ternyata cepet juga, ya? Tebakan aku nggak meleset berarti.” Pukulan pelan
diterima Gazi di pundaknya diikuti dengan kekehan kedua insan yang duduk berdampingan itu. “Second of all,
I’m sorry karena udah bikin kamu pusing tujuh keliling. I’m sorry I made you confused, I didn’t mean to do that to
you.” Ada jeda beberapa detik Gazi berikan pada kalimat selanjutnya, “Dan maaf, aku belum bisa ngerasain hal
yang sama seperti apa yang kamu rasain, Nala.”

Kalimat terakhir yang Gazi katakan membawa Kainala kembali ke konklusinya saat pertama kali pikiran itu
datang kepadanya. Gazi Radhana merupakan seseorang yang baik kepada siapa saja, termasuk Kainala.

Sekarang semuanya sudah jelas. Sudah tidak ada lagi tanda tanya yang bermunculan di kepalanya. Sudah tidak
ada lagi perasaan gundah serta gelisah yang sering ia rasakan. Sudah tidak ada lagi malam-malam sunyi yang ia
habiskan untuk memikirkan tentang berbagai pertanyaan yang ia simpan dalam-dalam di dadanya.

Kainala puas mendengar jawaban Gazi, senyumnya tercetak di wajah cantiknya, merasa lega karena jawaban

102 103
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 Katamandara's Intern Life
A S TO RY BY V E N N Y

M ungkin banyak kaum milenial kayak gue yang berharap bisa mendapatkan pekerjaan dengan
bayaran tinggi, bisa jalan-jalan gratis, bisa menikmati fasilitas kantor seperti kursi pijat, ataupun
unlimited snack. Tapi sebagai seorang aquarian yang menjunjung prinsip anti-mainstream, gue justru
ingin kerja di sebuah animal foundation. Hah animal foundation?

Yes, you heard it right. Gue bercita-cita ingin masuk kerja di Katamandara Foundation, kantor impian
gue. Sebagai pecinta hewan, gue sangat ingin kerja di tempat yang berhubungan langsung dengan he-
wan. Kebetulan waktu gue lagi cari-cari tempat magang yang bagus, Tessa, teman baik gue menemu-
kan lowongan yang ada di linkedin.

Gue pun langsung kepo sambil mencari tahu tentang Katamandara, dan ternyata visi misi foundation
ini sama persis seperti impian gue. Meskipun tergolong masih muda, tapi prestasi yang dicapai sudah
sangat membanggakan. Tidak butuh lama buat gue untuk menekan tombol apply dan memasukkan
CV dengan harapan mereka akan menerima gue.

Seminggu kemudian, Mbak Dira, HR dari Katamandara Foundation menelpon dan memberitahukan
jadwal untuk wawancara. Kebetulan apartemen gue tidak jauh lokasinya dari Katamandara Founda-
tion, jadi tidak butuh lama untuk sampai di kantor impian gue. Gue disambut dengan resepsionis di
depan sambil menunggu mba Dira mempersilahkan masuk ke sebuah ruang meeting. Dalam perjalanan
ke ruang meeting, terlihat foto empat pria yang tersenyum lebar, nampaknya foto itu merupakan foto
jaman kuliah. Kayaknya sih ini foto bos-bosnya kali ya, sambil berusaha gue tatap satu persatu nama
yang tercantum di bawah foto tersebut.

From left to right: Joshua Hadi, Daniel Katamandara, Gazi Radhana, Hanggara Putra, Founders of Kataman-
dara Foundation.

FOUNDERSNYA KATAMANDARA FOUNDATION?

Empat orang cakep ini? Jangan bilang kalau mereka semua yang bakal wawancara gue. Harusnya mer-
eka sibuk lah ya masa sampai pendirinya harus banget wawancara calon anak magang kupluk kayak
gue. Tiba-tiba perut gue terasa mules setelah melihat foto tersebut sambil melangkah ke dalam ruan-
gan. Karena gue terlalu gugup, gue sampai-sampai tidak memperhatikan sekeliling ruangan termasuk
derap langkah beberapa orang yang sudah memasuki ruangan.

Pelan-pelan gue mulai mendongakkan kepala dan menyaksikan pemandangan yang tadi gue lihat di
foto dan sekarang muncul secara nyata di hadapan kedua mata gue. FYI, foto yang gue lihat tadi
beneran ga ada apa-apanya dibandingkan dengan empat ciptaan Tuhan paling sempurna yang ada di
hadapan gue. Kalau gue ga keterima jadi anak magang di sini, gue rela deh kerja jadi apapun asal bisa
memandangi mereka setiap saat. Gue rela deh Tuhan, beneran! Kalau bisa jadi jodoh mereka juga gue
siap! Oke fix gue freak.

“Venna Damayanti?” sahut pria di ujung sebelah kanan sambil membetulkan dasinya. Gue yakin pria
tersebut adalah Gazi.

106 107
 Tidak butuh lama buat gue mengingat sosok Gazi. Namanya unik jadi gue langsung ingat waktu meli-
hat foto tersebut, ditambah postur tubuhnya yang tinggi dan wajahnya yang bisa disandingkan dengan
model manapun. Saat ini Gazi menggunakan setelan jas Prada, keliatan dari nama brand yang terpam-
pang di dasinya. Tatapan matanya intens dan gue yakin ini orang pasti salah satu pelaku penyebab
patah hati wanita di Indonesia.
“Benar, Pak.” Sahut gue sambil memperhatikan pria di sebelahnya. Sepertinya ini pria yang paling
ujung di foto tadi. Namanya siapa ya? Hang? Ah, Hanggara! Mukanya tidak jauh berubah dari di foto,
hanya saja auranya lebih dingin dari es dan mukanya lebih tampan dan bersinar dibandingkan di foto
tersebut.
“Kamu sedang kuliah ambil jurusan apa?” tanya Hanggara.
“Ilmu Komunikasi, Pak.” Sahutku.
“Pernah buat event waktu di kampus?” tanya pria dengan kemeja kotak-kotak yang dibuka satu kancing
di atasnya untuk menunjukkan kalung Dior yang tersembunyi. Ini pasti Joshua! Dia memiliki aura yang
beda dengan Hanggara. Intonasi dan tatapannya saat bertanya pun hampir membuat gue langsung
ingin memanggil pendeta untuk segera melaksanakan janji suci. Gue yakin dia ini adalah tipe ideal
semua wanita di muka bumi termasuk gue yang sedang berusaha fokus menjawab dan menyembun-
yikan wajah malu gue.
“Pernah, Pak, biasanya saya sering terlibat di komite acara untuk acara kampus.”
“Saya sudah lihat resume kamu dan saya rasa you will fit right in with our intern role. But first things first,
I want to ask you, why did you apply to Katamandara?” tanya pria yang berada di tengah foto. Daniel
Katamandara. Gue yakin dia ini leader dari mereka berempat, karena foundation-nya aja memakai nama
dia. Auranya cukup intimidating tapi tampan. Oke fix gue semakin freak.
“Saya adalah pecinta hewan, Pak, dan saya merasa bahwa visi saya sejalan dengan visi dan misi dari
Katamandara Foundation. Saya yakin apabila diberikan kesempatan untuk magang di sini, saya bisa
berkontribusi dengan maksimal dengan talenta yang saya miliki.”
“That’s sweet. Since you already have previous experience with events, can you give me an example of what kind
of event you want to create in Katamandara?” Joshua pun menambahkan pertanyaan ke gue.
“Ehmm.. Ini saya harus jawab sekarang, Pak?”
“Ga perlu detail kok, ide aja ga masalah. I just want to know if you have an interesting idea which we can
execute together.” Jawab Joshua sambil tersenyum.
“Saya akan mengadakan event kolaborasi dengan brand kosmetik yang tidak menggunakan animal
testing. Seperti mungkin bapak tahu, bahwa banyak produk kosmetik juga menggunakan hewan se-
bagai sample untuk produk mereka. Saya rasa berkolaborasi dengan brand tersebut akan meningkatkan
awareness untuk semakin peduli dengan hewan. Kita juga bisa membuat event temu kasih para adopter.
Di mana di situ para adopter bisa saling sharing dan juga menambah networking mereka pak.”
Gue melihat Daniel tersenyum sambil menoleh ke arah Joshua.
“I love that idea. Venna, you’re accepted.” Sahut Joshua sambil tersenyum.
“Kita masih pertama kali membuat program magang di tempat ini, tapi saya harap kamu bisa menam-
108
bah pengalaman di tempat ini walau hanya 3 bulan.” Tambah Hanggara.
“Currently, I handle all the marketing projects by myself. So you will report to me about the idea and execution
plan. I hope we can get along.” Sahut Joshua.
“Kamu juga akan banyak berurusan dengan saya di bagian operasional. Btw saya Gazi.” Kali ini Gazi
yang menambahkan.
“Welcome to Katamandara.” Daniel tersenyum dan menjulurkan tangan ke arah gue.
——
Hari ini sudah tepat hari ke-25 gue bekerja di Katamandara Foundation. Pasti semua mengira gue akan
super happy karena bisa bekerja dengan jobdesc ringan sambil menikmati bos-bos tampan rupawan
titisan Malaikat Gabriel. Turns out I was wrong.
Bermula dari ide yang disampaikan waktu wawancara, Joshua yang menjadi atasan gue sekaligus men-
tor gue langsung membeberkan rencana kerja yang harus gue buat untuk proses eksekusi di hari per-
tama gue kerja plus memberikan deadline yang cukup buat kaget. Satu hal yang gue sadar, di balik wa-
jahnya yang tampan bak malaikat, dan senyumannya yang bisa seketika membawa kalian ke surga, dia
sangat presisi dan detail dalam setiap perencanaan. He knows what he does. Beberapa kali proposal gue
ditolak karena dirasa backgroundnya masih dangkal, kurang persuasif, kurang detail, dsb. Entah sudah
berapa puluh kali gue harus bolak-balik revisi dan deg-degan setiap kali ngecek inbox.
Ditambah lagi ketika gue juga harus revisi anggaran dengan Hanggara, salah satu orang paling teliti
dan cerdas yang pernah gue temui di muka bumi. Dia bahkan bisa melihat selisih angka 0.01 rupiah da-
lam sekejap dan tidak segan-segan menanyakan setiap detail rincian angka yang tertuang di anggaran.
Sebagai orang yang benci dengan angka, jujur gue seketika seperti mati berdiri kalau Hanggara nanya
asal usul angka seperti “Kenapa kamu mau anggarin segini? Udah benchmark ga sama vendor yang lain
untuk barang ini? Mereka bisa kasih harga lebih murah ga?” Dan berbagai pertanyaan lain yang sukses
bikin gue pusing dan keringet dingin.
In the meantime, gue juga harus menjelaskan rincian proposal ini ke Gazi, di mana gue butuh bantuan
tim operasional untuk men-support dan memastikan acara akan berjalan lancar. Gue pikir sebelumnya
Gazi akan lebih chill dan tidak semenakutkan Hanggara ataupun Joshua, ternyata gue salah total. Gue
pernah dimarahin Gazi di tempat gara-gara gue ga melakukan koordinasi sebelumnya untuk acara
meeting bulanan shelter Bali. Ya itu memang kesalahan gue karena gue missed dalam melakukan peru-
bahan jadwal, di mana Gazi lupa diinfo. Dia kalau marah nyeremin bro, bagaikan ganteng-ganteng
serigala.
Last but not least, sekarang gue sedang menjelaskan mengenai detail proyek gue ke depan seorang Dan-
iel Kamandara.
“Aku suka konsepnya. Ini udah dicek dengan Joshua juga kan?” Tanya Daniel sambil melakukan
pengecekan terhadap proposal tersebut.
“Sudah, Pak.”
“Berapa kali?”
“More than twenty times.”
109
 “Sounds like Joshua. What about budgeting? Is there any comment from Han?”
“A lot. Saya juga sudah revisi dan disetujui oleh pak Hanggara.” Jawab gue. Danielpun tersenyum men-
dengarkan balasan gue. Senyum yang bisa membuat satu kota bersinar dan membuat mood langsung
bahagia. Andai saja gue lupa kalau seorang Daniel sudah memiliki tunangan yang tidak kalah rupawan
dan baik hati pula.
Gue pernah ketemu Kak Andin di shelter saat gue lagi nyiapin pitching dengan Glam Up. Kebetulan Kak
Andin kerja di Glam Up dan ikut berkontribusi dalam meeting. Kesan pertama gue ngeliat Kak Andin
adalah senyumnya yang hangat dan ramah. I mean how can someone be that beautiful with that gorgeous
smile on top of being smart? Gue masih pecinta lelaki tapi gue yakin semua orang akan berkata hal yang
sama ketika melihat kak Andin.
“Venna ya? Udah lama magang di sini?” Tanya perempuan itu sambil menghampiri gue yang lagi mem-
bereskan laptop.
“Baru 2 minggu kak. Kak Andin kenal sama Pak Joshua? Soalnya waktu itu Pak Joshua teringat dengan
Glam Up ketika membahas proyek ini.”
“Gue kenal sama Shua dan yang lain.”
Oh mungkin mantan Joshua kali ya.
“Din! Thank you for coming here! Lo ga usah repot-repot padahal, kan bisa aja tim lo yang ke sini.” Ujar
Gazi waktu dia masuk ruangan rapat sambil menghampiri Andin.
“No worries! Gue lagian udah lama ga ke sini. Sekalian lah mampir sama ketemu kalian.”
“Tumben banget kan kita bisa ketemu Andin tanpa Daniel.” Timpal Joshua yang baru kembali dari
toilet.
“Yoi. Kita selfie aja apa terus kita pamerin ke Daniel. Bisa-bisa dia langsung pengen balik dari Bali tuh.”
Goda Gazi.
“Kasian Han nanti yang jadi korbannya.” Tambah Joshua.
“Apaan sih kalian ini. Dia tau kali kalo gue lagi ke sini.” Sahut Andin sambil tertawa.
“Oh Ven, btw ini Andin tunangannya Daniel.” Joshua memberikan informasi kepada gue yang terpaku
diam seribu bahasa.
Danielpun akhirnya mengeluarkan kalimat yang membuyarkan lamunan gue tentang kejadian dua
minggu lalu yang masih teringat dengan jelas sampai sekarang.
“Oke saya approve karena saya yakin Joshua, Han dan Gazi udah banyak nyiksa kamu karena event ini.
You’re doing a great job, Venna.” Daniel berujar sambil tersenyum puas.
Tiga bulan persiapan untuk event ini akhirnya berakhir juga. Segala tetesan air mata, stres, semuanya
terbayar ketika gue melihat banyak partisipan baru yang ingin menjadi adopter dan mau mengenal
tentang Katamandara Foundation. Meskipun tanpa dipungkiri, keempat pria tersebut tetap menjadi
salah satu daya tarik para wanita yang hadir untuk menjadi adopter. Menjelang akhir event, Daniel
memberikan sedikit sambutan penutup.
110
“Kepada para calon adopter, kami sangat berterima kasih karena kalian bisa ikut berpartisipasi untuk
menyelamatkan dan merawat hewan yang seringkali orang lupakan. Saya pribadi sebagai founder dari
Katamandara sangat bersyukur bisa menemui orang-orang baik seperti anda sekalian. Akhir kata, saya
mengucapkan terima kasih kepada pihak Glam Up yang mau berkolaborasi dan juga kepada para saha-
bat saya dan tentu saja kepada Venna yang memberikan ide cemerlang untuk event ini. Terima kasih!”
Rasa haru memenuhi seketika ketika nama gue disebut. Jujur gue ga pernah berharap bahwa seorang
Daniel Katamandara bisa memuji gue di depan umum. Event ini bisa berjalan aja sudah merupakan
suatu kebanggaan buat gue.
“Good job, Venna. Thank you for sticking with me meskipun kamu harus pontang-panting revisi terus. I’m
sorry if I make you suffer.” Joshua berkata, ia muncul dari belakang menghampiri. Gue tersenyum sambil
menahan air mata yang jatuh karena takut dikira gue diapa-apain lagi kalau tiba-tiba jadi cengeng.
___
Para dosen yang berada di depan gue menganggukkan kepala dan kembali membaca hasil magang yang
telah gue siapkan.
“Demikian presentasi saya mengenai hasil magang saya di Katamandara Foundation,” sahut gue menu-
tup sidang presentasi magang.
Tiba- tiba ponsel gue berbunyi dan terdapat e-mail dari seseorang.
From: d.k@katamandara.id
Subject: Thank you :)
Hi Venna! I hope you’re doing fine. First of all, I think we did not have a proper farewell to you, since I had
a meeting in Bali. Anyway, I just want to inform you that we already passed your internship result to your
lecture.
Please let me know if you’re willing to continue your journey in Katamandara once you’ve graduated. I would
love to have you as our family member in Katamandara :)
Regards,
Daniel Katamandara
Gue tersenyum membaca e-mail tersebut.
Katamandara, see you soon.
____
111
112 113
 A Fateful Encounter
A S TO RY BY C E L I N E

Ziad Hadi had spent his whole life running.

H e meant it in every possible way imaginable. After his mother filed for divorce, he and his sister
Qamila came along with her to Qatar to escape their womanizing father. He was a toddler,
having just learned to stand firm on his two wobbly legs. Ziad was barely two, but he already
experienced what it was like to flee, running away from the place where he drew his first set of
breaths.

He was in high school, when running headfirst into trouble was what felt like child’s play. As an
attempt to steer away from excellent grades and an upright life, Ziad let alcohol intoxicate his
bloodstreams and held parties so loud—hoping it would be reverberant enough for him to be
noticed and to be seen.

When the word teen got discarded from his age, he was acquainted and made noise with the
infamous Ali Mahsood. It was when he underwent yet another escapade, this time running away
from the accusation of substance use. In the light of the scandal, he found a hand hoisting him up
from the Mykonos Police Department, and it belonged to an estranged sibling from a place he had
left decades ago.

Their lives conjoined, and the angel with the pseudonym Joshua Hadi took Ziad and all of his five
siblings under his wing. However, as much as he wished to feel at ease with the rest of the pack that
bore the same surname as his, the two syllables Hadi appeared like a heavy load on his shoulders. He
was welcomed, but deep down he questioned his worth: After all those troubles I have gotten myself
into, will I ever be deserving of a warm spot inside a place called family?

***
It was the year 2026, and Ziad Hadi was still running.

He was supposed to be basking in the idyll of the island, but he ended up dashing with hurried steps
along the hallways of a hospital in Denpasar. His pace skidded into a halt once he found a familiar
face, a little girl in pigtails seated on one of the visiting room chairs.

She was calm, her grip easy around a carton of milk. She called him with a steady voice, “Uncle Ziad.”

“Hi, Sayang. Is your dad here already?” In an attempt to subdue his panic, he threw his niece his most
dazzling smile.

“Dad is inside. My little brother will soon arrive, I think.”

You can always count on a daughter to resemble her father: Athena had a poise that was unlike
children of her age, much like Joshua’s firm composure.

114 115
 Ziad’s thoughts were then reaffirmed by a woman’s voice, and he was brought into a sudden
realization that his niece was not alone.
“She’s such a lovely kid, isn’t she?” The rhetoric question came from a bright-eyed lady beside little
Athena, a sweet curve present on her lips. “She and her father arrived moments after I dialed. None
of them was as freaked out as you were.” The last sentence was meant as a light jest that made Ziad
chuckle in response.
“Are you Mba Thalia’s coworker who brought her here?” He asked, then extended his hand for the
woman to shake. “Thank you very much for your help.”
She knew of who he was, since he was notorious across tabloids and news. But the genuine agitation
in Ziad’s eyes prodded an unfamiliar feeling in her heart.
Perhaps there was more to him than the ill repute he was remarkable for.
Her hand enveloped his in a firm exchange of pleasantry. “My pleasure. I’m Pundarika.”
“Ziad.” He expressed his gratitude once again, “I know it’s her second labor, but these kinds of things
still make me panic. Let me know how to repay you, Pundarika.”
It was not a heroic act nor a miraculous help; it was the rightful assistance to give as a colleague. But
seeing the unfeigned light in the man’s dark optics made Pundarika’s bright ones burn with a
newfound bravery.
“A cup of coffee?”
And it was probably the double shots of caffeine, the amusing conversation or the woman’s magical
smile—their two hearts ended up beating with the same quickening rush, the rhythm of their pulse
striking their skin with a multiplying tempo.
When Ziad offered to be a companion in her ride back home, they had no time to waste. Upon
recognition of their mutual interest, they agreed to meet each other every once in a while.
It was the start of their blossoming story.
***
From their first meeting onwards, Ziad Hadi experienced many firsts.
It was Ziad’s first time thinking that a slow drive might be more of a thrill than a maxed out
speedometer. He had loved to course through a racetrack like a fast bullet, so he felt devastation
when he received a permanent ban from driving. But for the first time, he did not mind being in the
passenger seat as long as Pundarika was the one behind the steering wheel.
It was Ziad’s first time setting foot in an amusement park. He thought it was a place meant for
children and begrudging parents, but he saw the appeal once they entered. For the first time, he
witnessed a different spark in his woman’s eyes, and all he thought was how to ensure it would last
for a long time. And preferably without the Mickey Mouse ears.
It was Ziad’s first time cooking for someone else. He usually let his siblings deal with all the work,
but it was his anniversary with Pundarika. A messy chaos in the kitchen didn’t seem like much
trouble, for he hoped to make their first special.
116
It was Ziad’s first time introducing a girlfriend to his whole family. Not a summer fling, not a good
buddy. It was the first time his mother pulled him aside, only for her to beam and say, “Mama
approves, son.”
It was Ziad’s first time emptying his tear glands in front of someone else. No soul had ever watched
him peel off all his layers, not even his family. But it was the first time Pundarika stayed in, and as
the moon spun its course, he trusted her with his most vulnerable side.
It was Ziad’s first time saying the three sacred words. At the parking lot of Canggu International
School, at the most unlikely moment, before the students’ dismissal. He saw how Pundarika
treasured his brother’s kids the way she always volunteered to pick them up, and how they adored
her. She was the personification of tenderness, so he thought to himself, How did I get so blessed?
***
Ziad Hadi had not realized then that he would encounter a series of endless charms the moment he learned to
spell the word love.
He would have flinched upon hearing the vocabulary before, but no word can better encapsulate the
feelings he has here and now.
There exists enchantment, the way her laugh resonates in his ears.
There exists passion, the way their gates of speech unite in harmony.
There exists gloom, the way he dwells in pain after their occasional fights.
But above all, there exists warmth: It is the way her hugs lift off the burden of a tiring day. It is the
way her smile bestows reassurance that he is dear. He does not have to try to be seen, for his
happiness is what occupies the majority of her thoughts.
Warmth is for the way she tells him this phrase, as she strokes the strands of his hair, “Zi,
humans comprise both rights and wrongs, it would be a shame to overlook the former just to show
contempt to the latter.”
So when their fingers intertwine, he discovers a way to conclude his tiresome marathon. He
sees worth when he looks into his own reflection, and he sees a place in his big family—he no longer
fears that his past misdeeds will have to be compensated with retribution.
***
Ziad Hadi has spent his whole life running, but he has finally found his home.
Home is not necessarily a residence built on marble tiles, or adorned with blinding chandeliers.
Home is not always varnished parquet or a kitchen island stretching wide. Sometimes home is the
crook of someone’s shoulder for one’s head to fall upon. Sometimes it is the luster of their eyes, and
the solace their smile provides.
For Ziad Hadi, home takes the form of a beauty he stumbled across during his sprint.
His definition of home has crystallized into Pundarika Dewi. And consequent to that realization, he
promises to cherish their precious bond for eternity.
117
118 119
 Thank You, Love You
A S TO RY BY K E N Z I B I N

T he night was so cold. It was raining heavily. Many people would like to warm themselves, whether
it’s enjoying hot chocolate, enjoying the warmth of the room, enjoying the warmth of a blanket,
or maybe there would also be those who prefer to warm themselves with hugs and deep conversations.
Like Andin and Daniel, a couple who chose to spend time alone.

Lately, Andin and Daniel had been busy with their jobs—especially Daniel. So many other projects
and work plans were in Daniel’s head to develop and renew his company—Katamandara Foundation.
Every day was full of discussions and meetings with the company team. It was draining his energy and
mind. Andin saw how busy her husband was compared to her. It made her worry a little about Daniel’s
condition. Luckily, the two of them led a healthy lifestyle. Daniel had always been in good health, even
Andin would always find Daniel waking up with dark bags under his eyes.

They were in their room after spending an hour together. There were so many things Daniel shared
about his work with Andin, the two of them talked to each other with the same enthusiasm. Andin
would occasionally laughed because of Daniel’s stories–like she always did because he had always told
her the best ones.

After getting married, Andin felt that she loved her husband more and more. If the reasons were to
be explained, she felt that it would never be enough because there were so many things that Andin
liked from her husband. She knew that she was very lucky to be able to choose her life partner within
Daniel Katamandara.

“What are you thinking about?” Daniel asked, staring at the girl who was silent in his arms.

“Kita,” Andin answered. She pulled away from Daniel’s arms and looked at him with a warm gaze.

Daniel stroked Andin’s face, his eyebrows raised, “About us?”

“Yeah, about us.” Andin reassured him, her cheek pressed against his cloth-cladded chest as she listened
to his rhythmic heartbeat.

“Hmm.. okay, so tell me what it is, is it something happy? Sad? Or naughty?” Daniel bit his lip, his gaze
turned mischievous all of a sudden.

She hit Daniel’s arm lightly.

“Heh, nggak ya!”

The man whose arm she just smacked let out a hearty laugh, “Okay, just kidding, babe. Jadi apa yang
kamu pikirin tentang kita?” He looked back at her, wanting to listen in to her thoughts, wanting to know
what made the usually-talkative woman so quiet. She wasn’t the best at keeping her lips shut, therefore
he knew that she was thinking of something important if she could keep quiet for that long.

120 121
 “Kadang aku masih nggak nyangka gitu. We’re finally married, terus bisa ngabisin waktu setiap hari kayak The woman laughed as she heard his request before nodding, “Lucu banget sih kamu? Iyaaa, boleh. I’m
gini. I’m so happy to be able to spend every moment of my life with you. When I wake up every morn- yours, Daniel.”
ing, I always smile when I see you beside me. I never thought that in the end I chose you as a part of
my life. I mean—err you remember how we first met, it’s so weird.” “Good.”

There wasn’t much that he could do except to laugh at her answer and then he smiled sincerely. His
hands pulled Andin back into his arms. It had always been assuring for her–being deep inside his
embrace, it always felt nice, like it was meant to be. She couldn’t believe that she had gone through 25
years of her life without feeling the warmth of his hugs. Now that she knew what it felt like, she want-
ed to cherish it wholeheartedly, forever. So whenever there were times when his body was pressed up
against her, she would always try to memorise every crevice, every little flinch, every small detail–she
wanted to memorise the feeling of being enveloped into his arms.
“Tapi bukannya kita sebelum nikah udah spend our time like this, ya?” He chuckled slowly, the intonation
of his voice made it clear that he was trying to annoy her–like he always did.
“IH DANIEL! Aku serius, beneran!”
It didn’t take long for Daniel to get closer to Andin. He took Andin’s hands in his and pulled her to-
wards him. So close that Andin could see how beautiful his eyes were, the freckles along his cheeks,
the small mole underneath his eyes. And before she could notice anything else, he placed his lips on
Andin’s.
Andin closed her eyes and felt the warmth that started all the way from her fingertips slowly consum-
ing her whole body, enveloping her in the familiar sensation that he had always had on her. They were
silent for a while, getting lost in the kiss that they shared.
He pulled back from Andin to take a deep breath, his thumb brushing over his cheeks, his breath
fanning her face, the cold silver around his fingers tingling her jaw. And then, he leaned in close again
and whispered with his voice low.

“Hahaha, okay, sorry. So... Are you happy with me, Andin?” “I love you, my wife.” And although he knew he’d be prone to endless teasing over the cheesy nickname,
he wanted to say it for once–then he’d try to put up with everything else in between.
“Yeah, of course! I’m so happy with you.” She answered, truthfully.
But contrary to his assumption, Andin merely smirked and replied, "I love you too, my husband."
“Me too. I always feel so grounded when it’s just you and I like this. Your voice, your smile, your laugh,
and everything you do for me always makes me feel better when I’m tired of going through the day.”

Andin changed her position, feeling touched over Daniel’s answer. I will definitely love you till the end.
I will definitely take care of you till the end.
“Let’s spend our life like this ‘til the end. I promise I will always be there for you, Daniel. No matter I will definitely make you happy.
what happens, I’ll always stand by your side.” I will definitely accept everything you have.
Stay here. Don’t leave me.
The man pulled a strand of hair and twisted it around his ring finger, the one adorned with a silver Hold my hand and I will lead you to a beautiful life.
band, as he smiled at her–as he smiled at the fond memory flooding back into his mind mere weeks Only you and me.
ago when he finally said ‘I do’. Just us.
—
“Yeah, let’s spend our time together like this, bae. I promise you too. Whatever happens, I will always
be with you. I’ll love you with all my heart.”

Before Andin could say anything more, Daniel closed the gap between them. She could feel her heart
beating faster than before as beads of sweat started to form on her forehead and her palms felt clammy
all of a sudden–she wasn’t sure if it was because they had been sharing their warmth for too long that
it became too hot for her or if it’s the effect he had on her.

“Andin...”

“Iya?”

“Boleh nggak...”

“Apaan?” She asked suspiciously, raising an eyebrow at him.

“I want to do something with you. Sebentar aja, boleh nggak? Gak aneh-aneh kok!”

122 123
124 125
 Since It's You
A S TO RY BY C AC A

T halia menatap pria di sampingnya yang terlihat serius menatap lampu lalu lintas di depan. “What
inspired you?” tanya Thalia dengan tatapan lekat terhadap sosok yang masih terlihat tampan meski
wajahnya terlihat lelah – setelah terbang ke Bali di pagi hari lalu kembali ke Jakarta di sore hari, lalu
menghadiri empat rapat lain sebelum menjemput Thalia – dan rambut yang terbungkus beanie cream
kesayangannya.

“Hmm?” Joshua – sosok dengan beanie cream dengan wajah lelah itu – menoleh ke kursi penumpang
di sampingnya, bingung dengan pertanyaan tiba-tiba dari Thalia yang masih mengunci pandangann-
ya.“What?”

“What inspire you to do this? The night ride?” Thalia mengangkat kedua alisnya sambil tersenyum tipis,
“The… TikTok thing? Is this one of the ‘date ideas’ recommendations?” Thalia memperjelas arah pertanyaan-
nya, “Again?”

“Ahhh…” Joshua tertawa pelan mendengar kalimat Thalia. “No, Thal…. tadi tiba-tiba kepikiran aja kay-
aknya seru doing a night ride with you.” Jawab Joshua masih dengan tawa kecilnya sembari menekan ped-
al gas setelah lampu lalu lintas berganti hijau. “Do I look that weird in front of you?” tanya Joshua balik,
menanggapi pertanyaan Thalia yang mencurigainya sedang membawa mereka ke sebuah tempat dari
rekomendasi video ‘date ideas’ kesukaan Joshua di TikTok.

“Serius nih?” Thalia mengerutkan dahinya, kurang yakin dengan jawaban Joshua barusan. Ia mempu-
nyai kebiasaan baru akhir-akhir ini yang rutin mendatangi tempat rekomendasi dan mempraktekkan
ide-ide kencan dari salah satu akun kesukaannya di TikTok, yang seringkali ia tonton jika ia sedang
tidak memiliki kegiatan lain selain menatap layar ponsel dan menghabiskan waktu luangnya.
Ya, betul sekali. Pria dengan lengan kemeja putih terlipat sampai siku menunjukkan otot-otot di tan-
gannya yang terlihat makin sempurna ketika memegang setir kemudi, pria yang memancarkan karis-
ma kuat bahkan saat hanya terdiam serius menatap jalan di depannya, pria paling menarik dan paling
keren di mata Thalia, adalah pria yang sama yang sedang kecanduan bermain TikTok dan mencari ide
kencan dari akun video kesukaannya di TikTok.

“Some were okay, but the rest…. Big no, remember?” ucap Thalia sambil bergidik takut mengingat kencan
mereka terakhir kali yang diinisiasi salah satu video tersebut. Kemacetan sepanjang 5 KM setelah
dikecewakan oleh pemandangan padang rumput yang hanya diisi lautan manusia dan sampah plastik
bertebaran, Thalia ingat jelas video itu menyebutkan ‘dream-like place, a place to remember, magnificent
landscape’. Yup, a place to remember for its bad memory.

“Hehehehe….” Joshua hanya bisa terkekeh sambil menggaruk lehernya canggung. “Habis waktu itu aku
liat di videonya, meyakinkan banget, Thal.”

“I think you need to delete your TikTok account, Shua. Kamu tuh udah kecanduan, lho.” Ujar Thalia sambil
menggeleng pelan dengan dua tangan terlipat di depan dada, gaya khasnya saat mengomeli Joshua.

“Jangan dong, sayang.” Balas Joshua sambil menoleh cepat ke Thalia lalu menunjukkan wajah meme-
lasnya.

126 127
 “Heh liat depan nanti nabrak.” Thalia memperingkatkan sambil memukul pelan pundak Joshua..
By the way, kenapa Joshua bisa punya akun TikTok?
Semua berawal dari Nadine.
Perkenalkan, Nadine. Anak tunggal dari pasangan Daniel dan Andin, yang entah bagaimana di usianya
yang baru masuk tiga tahun sudah pandai membuka aplikasi TikTok dari ponsel ayahnya yang dia
ambil dari atas meja makan.
Nadine Katamandara, di usianya yang tiga tahun sudah bisa membuka aplikasi TikTok untuk melihat
video kucing-kucing lucu dan menunjukkan video itu kepada Uncle Shua yang selalu memangkunya di
sofa ruang tamu sambil menguncir rambut Nadine dengan raut wajah serius seperti sedang menger-
jakan laporan kantor. Omong-omong, Joshua dan Thalia adalah paman dan tante cantik kesukaan
Nadine yang sering berkunjung ke rumah mereka untuk makan malam atau sekedar menghabiskan
hari weekend bermain dengan gadis kecil itu, yang tentu saja dengan senang hati disambut kedua orang
tuanya – karena dengan begitu Daniel dan Andin bisa pergi keluar sebentar untuk menghabiskan wak-
tu berdua saja yang kini sulit mereka dapat – membuat Nadine sangat dekat dengan Joshua dan Thalia.
Seperti halnya Nadine yang mulai kecanduan video TikTok, Joshua lambat laun terhipnotis video-vid-
eo yang secara mengejutkan cukup menghibur dan menyenangkan untuk ditonton, kemudian men-
gunduh aplikasi itu di ponselnya dengan niat sekedar melihat-lihat video lucu hewan peliharaan yang
sering ditunjukkan Nadine kepadanya.
Tapi entah bagaimana ceritanya, dia berakhir menemukan akun ‘date ideas’ berisi variasi konten re-
komendasi mulai dari tempat, kegiatan dan hal lain untuk dilakukan bersama pasangan, yang kini
meracuninya. Setelah meyakinkan dirinya untuk mencoba rekomendasi itu, Joshua dengan rasa pe-
nasarannya yang tinggi dan sedikit sifat naif membuatnya mengajak Thalia mencoba rekomendasi
yang disebutkan dalam video, yang seringkali berakhir zonk.
“Kamu mau drive-thru McD? Fries? Sundae?” Joshua menyadarkan Thalia dari lamunannya, dan segera
disetujui Thalia dengan anggukan antusiasnya.
“Large fries and big cola. Also the strawberry pie.”
“There you go.” Thalia menerima kantong besar McD dari Joshua.
“Thank you.” ujar Thalia riang, kentang goreng ditambah cola ukuran besar selalu berhasil mengubah
Thalia menjadi anak perempuan umur tujuh tahun yang kegirangan dengan penuh makanan di tan-
gannya.
Dengan cepat, kentang goreng yang masih panas itu berpindah ke dalam mulut Thalia, cola di tangan
kanan, dan kantong di pangkuannya, “Rwmmbwr whn I said –”
“Telen dulu, telen dulu makanannya baru ngomong, sayang.” Joshua mengelus rambut Thalia, lebih
tepatnya mengacak rambut wanita itu gemas sambil cekikikan ketika melihat mulut penuh kentang
Thalia berusaha mengucapkan sesuatu. Sisi gemas Thalia yang jarang dia tunjukkan tapi selalu dinan-
ti-nanti Joshua.
Thalia mengunyah makanannya lalu meneguk cola di tangannya. Setelah menghela nafas sejenak Thalia
mengeluarkan beberapa potong kentang goreng dari kantong coklat itu lalu menyuapi Joshua, “Re-
member when I said I’m afraid with the idea of settling with one guy, marrying him and having live with them
for the rest of my life?”
128
Joshua mengangkat kedua alisnya sambil mengangguk, “The night we ordered KFC? When I confessed to
you?”
“Hah, emang iya? Kamu confess ya pas itu?” Thalia mengerutkan alisnya bingung, cursing herself for her
poor memory.
“My God Thal… you forgot that?” Joshua membelalakkan matanya kaget, menatap Thalia untuk beberapa
saat sebelum kembali fokus berkendara, “I guess you were too focused on your kulit ayam ya. Kulit ayam
KFC seenak itu, ya?”
Thalia mengatupkan bibirnya sambil tersenyum malu, “Back to the topic. You remember the convo we had?”
“Of course I remember, I was pretty shocked back then.”
“Shocked? Why?”
“Aku lagi deg-degan mikirin kita satu kamar bareng, lagi asik mikirin nanti kita nikah di gereja mana,
Bali or Jakarta, eh kamu ngomong begitu. Seketika buyar...”
“Hah? Serius?” Thalia menutup mulutnya dengan tangan kanan, terkejut mendengar jawaban Joshua
barusan, disusul tawa kencang dari Thalia sampai perutnya terasa sakit. “We were casually eating KFC, I
was calmly peeling my kulit ayam while you were sitting there with a marriage scenario in your head?” ucap
Thalia masih dengan tawanya yang keras. “You really are full of surprises huh.”
Joshua ikut tertawa keras mendengar Thalia, air mata muncul di ujung pelupuk matanya karena hal
menggelikan yang dia ucapkan, dipikir-pikir benar juga, dia sendiri merasa geli mengingat dirinya
yang sudah sibuk membayangkan pernikahan saat itu ketika Thalia bahkan belum menjadi kekasihn-
ya, yang sungguhan.
Setelah tawa kencang mengisi mobil yang masih membelah jalan ibukota di malam yang cukup sepi
dari biasanya, untuk beberapa saat hening menyelimuti. Lampu lalu lintas di depan berubah merah,
Joshua perlahan menginjak pedal rem.
“You know my background, right? Problematic parents, problematic life….That consistently leads me to that as-
sumption.” Ujar Thalia tenang, matanya menuju gemerlap lampu gedung-gedung tinggi di luar jendela
mobil.
“Exactly as problematic as mine.” Joshua menatap Thalia yang masih menatap keluar jendela mobil. Wan-
ita itu terlihat tenggelam dalam pikirannya dengan tatapan yang begitu dalam.
“Anehnya kita punya respon berbeda ya, soal case ini.” Timpal perempuan itu sembari menyandarkan
punggungnya ke badan jok mobil. Tangannya meraih cola, kembali menikmati rasa segar dan dingin
soda itu ketika melewati kerongkongannya.
“I guess that’s why we’re way more special from any other creatures God has made? Kita diberi kebebasan
untuk memilih dan memutuskan sesuatu sesuai hati dan nalar masing-masing.”
“Shua,” Thalia meletakkan tangan kanannya ke atas paha Joshua, menatap pria itu lekat sebelum dia
berucap, “Thank you for showing up to me and proving me wrong.”
Telapak tangannya bergerak menepuk pelan paha Joshua, matanya mulai berkaca-kaca menatap Josh-
ua lekat, mencoba menyampaikan sebanyak mungkin perasaan campur aduk yang ia rasakan, rasa
terima kasih, rasa sayang yang sepertinya makin hari makin menumpuk untuk pria bermata besar di
hadapannya, dan banyak perasaan lain yang sulit diungkapkan bahkan seandainya dia menghabiskan
129
 waktu semalaman untuk membicarakannya. “About what I said that day…”

“If it’s not for you, I’m sure I will still be the Thalia from years ago. A person full of assumptions with a fear of
love.” Thalia menghentikan ucapannya sejenak, mencoba mengatur nafasnya yang mulai tak beraturan,
suara yang mulai bergetar karena dia berusaha menahan tangisnya dari jatuh.

Thalia, wanita yang bertahan di atas kedua kakinya sendiri. Bertahun-tahun melarikan diri demi
menyembuhkan luka yang terbuka begitu lebar, tersembunyi jauh di dalam hati. Menutup dirinya
rapat untuk menghindari luka yang lebih besar datang di kemudian hari. Menyimpan semua cerita
pahitnya untuk diri sendiri, membuatnya dipenuhi kebencian yang dingin. Beberapa tahun lalu, atau
bahkan seumur hidupnya, Thalia tidak pernah merasakan dirinya sepenuh ini. Selengkap ini.

Thalia tidak menyangka kalau ternyata hanya dengan sekantong kentang goreng, cola ukuran besar,
pie strawberry, dan perjalanan tanpa tujuan selama 2 jam terakhir bisa membuatnya merasa sebahagia
ini.

Mungkin memang bukan hal itu yang membuatnya sebahagia ini.

Joshua, dengan kemeja putihnya yang mulai terlihat lusuh. Beanie cream kesayangan yang membungkus
rambutnya. Senyum hangat yang selalu menghiasi wajahnya sambil menatap Thalia penuh kasih say-
ang. Membiarkan Thalia merasa sedih tanpa menekannya untuk lekas bergerak maju, membiarkan
Thalia untuk menerima dirinya sendiri sebelum melangkah maju dengan Joshua mendampinginya.

Mendekapnya erat dan mengelus rambut wanita itu perlahan, setiap kali hal buruk menimpanya. Men-
gucapkan, “You’re okay, hon. I’m with you.” Membujuknya setiap kali pertengkaran terjadi tak pedu-
li Thalia yang terlalu keras kepala atau karena kebiasaan Thalia yang menginginkan semua berjalan
dibawah kendali wanita itu yang terkadang berakhir egois, Joshua yang selalu mundur selangkah mem-
beri Thalia ruang, dan memberinya waktu untuk belajar secara perlahan.

Menawarkan kehangatan yang tidak Thalia dapat seumur hidupnya, yang juga kemungkinan tidak
pernah didapatkan pria itu selama hidupnya. Lalu alih-alih menyalahkan keadaan, Joshua dengan ya-
kin berucap punya cukup kehangatan untuk dibagi dengan Thalia, berusaha membuat dunia dimana
dia dan Thalia akan menciptakan kebahagiaan versi mereka sendiri, belajar dari kenyataan pahit yang
sudah mereka terima dan telan bulat-bulat selama ini. Joshua, dengan telapak tangan besarnya yang
hangat mengulurkan kedamaian untuk membantu Thalia keluar dari hidupnya yang selalu terasa gelap.
Because it’s you, and not someone else. Since it’s you and not anyone else.

Karena itu Joshua Hadi, dan bukan orang lain.

Dan ketika sebuah pertanyaan muncul di dalam pikirannya, siapa yang bisa membuat Thalia seperti
ini? Dengan tenang dan yakin Thalia berujar, “It’s you, Mas. And I’ll forever be thankful for that.” Ujar
Thalia sebelum menutup hari itu dengan ciuman singkat di bibir pria itu sebagai rasa terima kasih.

Untuk semuanya.

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132 133
 Qamila: Definition of a Half Sibling
A S TO RY BY A D

S ejak dulu, gue selalu punya rasa hormat yang besar buat Joshua. I would put his damned handsome
face on a New York billboard if I could. If I could list all his kindness and publish Qamila’s #1 Best
Brother list, I would. (Ziad would be the second, if not the hundredth.)

Far before all these sinetron-esque moments of the family got super mega big, I had a very peaceful
childhood with him. Although we couldn’t play home-making or cooking shows together, he came
home once every blue moon, showered his affection-deprived siblings’ attention for a day or two, then
went back to his current whereabouts.

Sejujurnya kalau gue jadi dia, I wouldn’t fly to Indonesia from the US every holiday just to meet my
half-siblings. But he did what had to be done at the time. He took care of Hadi’s vulnerable kids under
his wing, away from the heated media spotlight.

Speaking about him, I remembered that moment—a day after his arrival. I cried unstoppably. A cry
that tires you out. A long, loud cry. No one, until today, got my answer on the reason. Of course I knew
why. I think Joshua also felt my sadness, albeit not precisely knowing my story.

Earlier that day, someone I no longer considered as a friend, said; “Nih ya, kalau mau gue kasih tau. Josh-
ua tuh bukan kakak lo.”

Feeling offended, I shouted my answer with anger, “Kakak gue!”

“He’s just your half-sibling, bego!”

I walked away from her and the argument, but couldn’t wipe out the thought. Was having him as
my half-sibling meant that he wasn’t my brother? My 12 year old self couldn’t understand where the
not-brother conclusion came from, but she felt defeated. Joshua wasn’t my brother, was he? Was the
fact that we had a different mother meant I couldn’t consider him a brother?

Before he went home that week, he hugged me warmly at the airport. That day felt starkly different
than usual. I didn’t embrace him back. He caressed my hair and whispered in my ears, “Adek kecil gue,”
I didn’t intend to cry, but tears fell down my cheek in silence. I felt his heartbeats as my spinning head
leaned on his chest. When I waved my hand towards him, my aching heart felt comforted. He is my
brother, and I am his sister. He walked away and I saw his eyes turning red.

Now we joked about this freely every time my mother and Mrs. Bishara argued in the city. In front of
cameras, like the world was their private home. We were indeed half-siblings, and there was no shame
in admitting this. Our family was fucked in a way that some people wouldn’t understand.

As we grew older, our meetings became less and less. He didn’t even visit at Christmas. Only boxes of
gifts and letters came without his presence. People always talked about a long-distance love relation-
ship; but how about a long-distance sibling relationship? It hurts people all the same.

When I first created Facebook, I searched Joshua’s name on the search bar and sent a chat. How long
it had been. Seeing his picture through the screen made me utterly happy. He took many pics with

134 135
 his best friends and girlfriend. Talked about college that I couldn’t completely get at the time. After a Yes, half-siblings are real siblings. Even though half-siblings share one parent instead of two shared by
while, I could finally feel close to him again. full-siblings, they are genuine sisters and brothers to each other.

We had an exquisite time until I had a car accident with my then-boyfriend. The blank face he showed
up with at the hospital made me cry. A hideous cry. Yet he didn’t say anything. He just stood beside me,
looking with his gentle eyes while reassuring me that everything was going to be okay.

It wasn’t going to be alright, I thought. But he was right (he was right most of the time); nothing major
happened after that. I broke up with my then-boyfriend right away.

To picture how he had treated us, imagine his Katamandara business act with softer voice tones and
occasional pats on the head. In retrospect, it was terrific that he never gave me sermon-like advice
about anything. He just gave a sentence-long practical advice and stopped there. Perhaps that was how
he rolled.

It had never occurred to me that these years also felt tough for him. Not until all the fuss with Sabrina
and his meeting with Thalia showed me that older brother could break down too. He brought his own
problem with him and still had to carry five other problems on his back. My issues, Ziad’s mischief,
and three more troublemakers named Hadi. Inside the comfort of his spacious house in Bali, I cried
myself to sleep.

One day, I sat with him for lunch. Only the two of us.

“You know, I always felt like a little girl around you.”

He thanked the server politely and raised the wine, “You are.”

“I’m old enough to listen to your worries now.” I raised mine as well.
He put the glass back and smiled sweetly, “And I’m old enough not to burden you, Qamila.”

“You can always talk with me as adults.”

“I know. And I do.”

We didn’t even stare at each other’s eyes for that banter.

“As your half-sibling, I’m thankful you’re my brother.” I said as I cut my meat.

“I’m glad my half-siblings grew up well.”

I bit my lips in hesitation, “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.” He nodded.

“Would you have seen me differently if I were your sibling? Not a half-sibling?”

He shook his head, eyes gleaming, “You’re my sister nevertheless.”

Never had I felt more relieved than that day. He said it himself that the title wasn’t all that mattered.
That a half-sibling was still a sibling, nonetheless. He would always be our sibling, wouldn’t he?

Are half-siblings considered siblings?

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138 139
 What I Call as The Last Fleet
A S TO RY BY M A L A

***
His name is Ziad Hadi.

Z iad Hadi, that one, right. Ziad Hadi, whose name may be familiar to your ears; Ziad Hadi, who you
can probably guess is approximately how tall; Ziad Hadi, who you can imagine in your imagina-
tion what his figure would be like; and Ziad Hadi who you don’t know for sure.

It’s true, Ziad Hadi might have already been clouding your mind and imagination before the tall man
with the hair color that changed frequently was finally standing next to you while you were choosing
something on the vending machine with furrowed brows–indicating that he was in a dilemma when
faced with many options, but still waiting for you to take your time choosing because you were there
first.

Ziad was only in my sight for a fraction of a minute, not long. He was a very busy human being with many
friends by his side, flocking him like a seagull. Ziad was just within reach right next to me when we
were sitting in the same class, there were several classes, and the man silently watched the lectures
being presented by the lecturer in front of us whose explanations were sometimes the reason why we
were still awake at two in the morning.

And the aforementioned man never failed to take my breath away–from how close he was during our
self study session, from how neat his scribbles were on that black lined book he always brought, from
how he always brought a banana milk to accompany our study, and from how he always walked me
home when it was too late for me to go home by myself. It’s always the small gesture, it’s always the
small acts, it’s always his smile who greeted me, and all of it made me warm inside while not knowing
if it’s just Ziad as a person or me who had started to realize how deep my feelings for him were.

Ziad felt so close yet far from me, not because of anyone but this is how we were; just two students trying
to keep each other’s grades afloat in order so we wouldn’t need to add semester credits to make up for
the past credits that we were lacking. My days were normal; I would wake up, leave my dorm room
without letting Emily–who was still sleeping, perhaps because she just returned from her boyfriend’s
house three hours ago–know that I had walked out. After that, I would stop at the vending machine
which was right near the entrance of the faculty building, pulling the carton of banana flavored milk
as my quick breakfast on the way to class. Ziad would always come first, I’d never seen him arrive late.
It didn’t seem right–I saw how his friends didn’t even care if they’d get a penalty over their tardiness–
Ziad Hadi even tried his best to keep up with what was going on in class and I never hesitated to lend
him my two or three reference books that were already full of scribbles—small scribbles about the
lessons explained that day.

Ziad always tried his best to do the group assignments given to us, even if he would suddenly not show up
when we had made an appointment to work at the cafe in front of the campus, he would always send
a file of his part which was done so neatly. Didn’t this sound unsuitable for someone like Ziad Hadi?
Shouldn’t he have not shown up at all and not submitted his share, leaving me to do my own group
work in tears? Fortunately, Ziad was not that kind of person; he always tried his best in each group

140 141
 assignment, and in the next meeting put the banana milk box on my desk while his head faced the
other way with arms folded.
Ziad was the same person as Ziad Hadi who left a small slip with his sweet writing that I kept.
‘Study Date with me, this evening, in our usual cafe? :)’
Ziad was the one who made me run to class faster than usual, faster than when I was late for Mrs. Silvana’s
class, only to see the empty seat without him and his usual activity—facing the classroom window,
face buried in the fold of his arms, receiving the morning light with a feeling so calm for me to re-
ceive after—. I didn’t know why I was so disappointed with his presence that I couldn’t easily find
anymore, I didn’t know why my stomach felt so chunky with his name not being mentioned when the
lecturers check our attendance, and I didn’t know why in November year two thousand and twenty I
understood what they would call as broken heart. I didn’t dare to say he’s a renegade, because he never
promised me certainty or anything like that from the start regarding a date. Apparently I hoped too
much–dreamt too far.
Ziad was not there at the end of the autumn year two thousand and twenty-one, the figure I was hoping to
attend did not even come, his face which I had seen on my cell phone several times as an inexhaustible
material for media coverage that I had not seen since November 2020. Ziad Hadi, who had been in-
volved in the case with Ali Mahsood for a year at that time, was always an easy subject for all students
to gossip about. Even for those who were new to the campus, they could easily join the conversation
regarding Ziad Hadi and Ali Mahsood. And I, for the past year, had been ignoring it all. Indeed, there
were nights where I cried because contacting Ziad Hadi only led to despair–unanswered calls and
unanswered messages.
Ziad in the winter of September 2021 still couldn’t be seen anywhere, the year where I wept with my dear
friends, exchanging congratulations and prayers that hopefully would lead them on their journey once
they were no longer there. I hugged all my friends, everyone I knew, everyone who had been the most
important parts of my life. And Ziad Hadi, one of the people I wanted to hug so tightly, couldn’t be
seen anywhere. I searched all sides of the campus, but I couldn’t find him anywhere. However, there
was only one classroom I could think of, this made me run towards it ignoring the temperature which
(maybe) had reached sub-zero at that time, there was only Ziad Hadi’s name and a smatter of hope in
my fist.
Ziad was there, sitting and typing something on his phone that I could see he’d changed, wearing a coat
that made him look so charming even to the eyes of people who didn’t know him, on the table there
was a bouquet of yellow flowers I didn’t know the kind of, and a box of milk with a yellow cardboard
that I knew exactly where he got it from.
Maybe, maybe, Ziad knew I was there with my ragged breathing, with the headdress I held up so it
wouldn’t fall and the black graduation gown that I lifted up a little. I didn’t care about Ziad’s laughter
that filled the classroom with us as filler. I didn’t care about other people who might come in and find
us in this class. I didn’t care about all the bad possibilities that might arise if they found out I was with
someone like Ziad Hadi.
Ziad was in front of me, handing me a bouquet of flowers that I thought he was going to give to his other
friends, only to give them to me–who didn’t know why I had the privilege to be handed a bouquet of
flowers so full and so yellow.
I looked down for a moment to count while guessing the type of flower he had in his grasp, “Twelve
stalks of yellow flower?” I asked, making sure I was right with my counting, and Ziad nodded while
142
fixing my graduation hood before he swept the bangs that covered a side of my face.
“Twelve stalks of Yellow Apricot Flower, they can also be called Hoa Mai flower. The flower guy earlier
said that it’s believed as the flower that brings great luck and wealth into the new year. I mean…. It’s
close to the new year, isn’t it?” He asked, glancing at his phone screen to confirm the date. The feelings
that I had kept hidden and buried for a long time resurfaced in an instant like a schoolgirl with her
first love. And then it turned into me crying in Ziad’s arms, while he stroked my back and kissed the
top of my head, trying to calm me down so I wouldn’t keep sobbing on my graduation day.
“Mai, can I say something and ask a question after that?”
Ziad tugged my fingers to wrap them with his, as if it was the perfect timing for him to hold my hand and
invited me to sit at one of the tables while he remained standing. My ten fingers felt comfortable in his
grip, held by the man I loved, placed on each side of my body.
I nodded–despite my already disheveled appearance, and maybe the makeup that Emily had worked
on with all her heart had worn off a little– I still nodded anyway and waited for Ziad to ask. I still
couldn’t understand how the man who hugged me had such a huge influence on my heartrate, for God’s
sake, even when my thesis was done, I hadn’t been that weak. But Ziad, who was there and waiting for
me, easily brought back all the longing that I had kept with me while waiting for him to return. With
the tiny sliver of hope that I had while waiting for him, with the little hope left for him to fill the va-
cant seat in this class, with the hope that had vanished when I couldn’t find his figure in the campus
area anymore.
“I’m sorry for not coming to our study date, even though I was the one who asked you first. I can’t ex-
plain to you why it happened, I can’t say it to you now because it’s supposed to be a happy day for you
and I’m not ruining it over my selfishness just ‘cause I wanted to clarify shits. I’m happy for you, but I
hate that you waited for me for a year when you can just meet a proper guy that won’t let you wait for
a year, just because he asked for a study date that didn’t happen in the end. I hate myself for that, and I
want to take this chance to be better. I want to see you at my graduation next year, I want you to meet
my family, I want you to know how bothersome my brothers can be, I want you to know how pretty
my sisters are, and I want to let my mom and my other mom see you. I want to take things slowly with
you, I want to see you tomorrow, and on our next date. I may have fucked up a date a year ago, but I
hope you can give me a second chance where I’ll give you thousand dates to make up for the failed one.”
Ziad was the second love after my father, and the first man that made me want to scream so loud so that
the whole universe could know just how much I loved that man with all my heart. I couldn’t reply to
his explanations–but let’s be real, who’s able to do that when all of the nooks in his heart were full
and his mouth felt hot as if he were embarrassed?–tickled by the feeling of pleasure that bubbled up
endlessly as the words left Ziad Hadi’s lips.
I listened to everything carefully, everything that was stated by Ziad who stared straight into my eyes,
focused. I really admired the man, if I were in his position I probably would’ve talked nervously and
messed it up a few times because I was too nervous. But, Ziad was a great man, he managed to make
my stomach full of butterflies, he managed to calm me down–I was probably as nervous as he was–as
he rubbed his thumb on the back of my hand.
Ziad was a great man.
“Mai?”
“Yes?”
143
 “Can I kiss you?”

Ziad asked as if he was afraid of repeating a mistake, and I couldn’t blame his fear, and I didn’t want to
waste the precious time I had with that love of mine. Ziad didn’t need instructions, Ziad didn’t need
any further explanation, Ziad quickly caught on to what he needed to do as soon as I pulled him closer
and our lips met. He was the first man who could make me feel that happy. He tightened his grip out
of nervousness, closed his eyes, and I let the man–who focused all his attention and love on me alone–
know that at that moment there was only him and I. I clasped his hands, pulled away for a moment
only to place our foreheads together again and chuckling, throwing in the words of affection I didn’t
know I’d get from him.

Ziad was the first man I kissed, also the man I gave my second kiss to, when the winter of September
2022 greeted us both sweetly. I hugged my lover lovingly, buried my face with all my congratulations
for him alone, I was so proud of everything he had fought for over the past year. I hugged him, brought
him three Peony flowers shaped like a bouquet for its sizable shape, and kept giving Ziad a proud pat
on the back several times. It didn’t last long because Natalie approached us with a smile that was too
sweet for me not to return. I assumed that was a signal for them to take a photo with Ziad. And I let
go, after pulling his arm and giving a second peck on the lips which a year ago, on the same day, I had
given for the special day we both had.

Ziad is my final place to stop, my last fleet; it is the end of my story.

144 145
146 147
 To More Roads We Navigate Together
A S TO RY BY F I A

B utuh waktu kurang lebih 8-9 jam untuk sampai di New Zealand. Daniel sudah memutuskan un-
tuk mengambil cuti dari semua pekerjaan nya untuk sebuah trip berharga yang sudah
direncanakan oleh keluarga kecilnya dari 1 tahun yang lalu. Berbekal keberanian yang dimiliki dir-
inya dan Andin akhirnya mereka berdua berhasil membawa keluarga kecil mereka ke dalam sebuah
trip. Membawa kedua anaknya dalam sebuah perjalanan yang panjang tanpa campur tangan baby
sitter adalah sebuah tantangan bagi mereka berdua.

Cowo yang lagi jalan di sebelah gue sambil mendorong koper-koper yang kebanyakan isinya baju
baju tebal dan penghangat badan lain nya kayak sarung tangan dan kaos kaki karena kebetulan
disini lagi winter. Cowo yang udah jadi suami gue selama kurang lebih 6 tahun. Dia jalan sambil
sesekali merhatiin anak pertama kita, Gilang, yang lagi asik lari-larian di depan ngeduluin kita yang
bawaannya banyak banget ini. Gue jalan sambil mendorong stroller nya Nadine dan beruntungnya,
dia lagi tidur dan nggak rewel sama sekali.

"Din, aku mau nelfon hotelnya dulu ya, biar kita cepet-cepet dijemput. Kasian juga Nadine tidurnya
mungkin engga nyenyak dan engga nyaman juga kalo di stroller kayak gitu." Daniel tiba tiba berhenti
di depan papan yang nampilin daftar hotel-hotel dan juga nomor telepon dari masing-masing hotel
yang brosur nya di pajang disitu.

"Oke, biar aku yang jagain Gilang sama koper koper disini."

Setelah Daniel selesai telpon hotel, kita jalan menuju keluar airport dimana orang-orang juga banyak
yang nunggu jemputan dari hotel yang udah mereka booking disini.

Kita nunggu jemputan itu selama kurang lebih 15 menit, dan langsung melakukan perjalanan ke
hotel selama 1 sampai 1 setengah jam. Sambil jalan, gue pelan pelan mastiin bahwa nggak ada lagi
barang yang ketinggalan.

Koper satu, check. Koper dua, check. Koper tiga, check. Satu car seat, check. Satu stroller, check

Kita berempat bakalan nginep di hotel selama 1 hari karena cukup mengalami jet lag dan gue rasa
Gilang dan Nadine emang harus istirahat dulu sebelum melanjutkan perjalanan yang bakalan
panjang banget ini.

Selama satu jam perjalanan menuju hotel, nggak ada yang mulai pembicaraan selama di dalam
mobil, cuman ada Gilang yang ngoceh ngoceh karena dia lagi mainin mainan nya di kursi
penumpang dan yang di sebelahnya, ada Daniel yang lagi diem aja liatin Gilang mainin
mobil-mobilannya sambil sesekali ngeluarin senyuman khas nya yang bikin orang jadi ikutan senyum
kalo ngeliat dia lagi senyum. Mungkin capek, karena gue juga capek banget. Selama di dalam mobil
gue juga diem aja, sambil liat liat ke arah jalanan yang kita lewatin buat sampai ke hotel. Begitupun
pas kita semua sampe di hotel, Daniel naro satu-satu kopernya dan disusun di pojok kamar, Gue
ngangkat Nadine dari stroller nya, Gilang sekarang udah tiduran di kasur. Kita berempat terlalu

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 capek jadi mutusin buat istirahat sebelum ngelanjutin perjalanan yang akan kita tempuh selama
kurang lebih 5 hari di New Zealand.
***
DAY 1, 12 :00 P M
"ANDIN BANGUN NDIN, KITA KESIANGAN!" Daniel ngebangunin gue dengan suaranya yang
setengah teriak dan setengah lagi panik.
Gue bangun karena kaget Daniel teriak-teriak. Dia bangunin gue seolah-olah gue engga bakal
bangun lagi.
Daniel bener, kita telat bangun karena kita harus menuju ke tempat pengambilan campervan. Gue
udah nentuin waktu buat kita sampai disana jam 1 tepat ke pegawai dari tempat penyewaan
campervan, tapi, nyatanya, kita semua justru baru bangun jam 12.
"IH KAMU MAH JANGAN TERIAK TERIAK GITU BISA GAK!" Gue bales teriakan Daniel
dengan muka bantal guel. "Tapi Gilang-nya masih bobo Niel." Gue merendahkan intonasi karena
ngeliat di sebelah gue ada anak gue yang masih tidur pulas.
Sementara Daniel lagi mandiin Nadine, gue coba pelan-pelan buat bangunin Gilang. Nggak ada yang
gue pikirin lagi karena kita emang udah telat jadi udah nggak ada yang bisa dilakuin. Sekarang aja
udah jam 12, belum siap-siap, belum masukin lagi barang-barang yang sempat kita turunin di hotel
ini.
1 jam tambahan kita habisin buat siap-siap. Daniel buru-buru pesen taxi online buat nganterin kita
ke tempat penyewaan campervan. Oh iya, kita bakalan jalan-jalan di New Zealand dengan menyewa
campervan selama 5 hari. Daniel's driving by the way.
Setelah menyelesaikan urusan dan perbekalan kita selama kita menyewa campervan, gue langsung
beresin barang barang yang harus dimasukkan ke dalam campervan. Daniel dengan sigap langsung
bantuin gue masukin koper-koper ke dalam campervan pas selesai mengurus surat-surat yang
dibutuhkan selama kita nyewa campervan. He's always there for me whenever i need him. Sikap dan
perilaku Daniel yang kayak gini yang bikin gue makin nggak berenti buat jatuh cinta sama dia. His
patience and his love for his family and me.
Gilang sama Nadine masih main di playground yang ada disini. Gue sama Daniel cuman liatin dari
deket dan memantau setiap kali mereka bikin pergerakan-pergerakan yang kelihatan dari ujung
mata kita berdua. Gilang sebagai anak yang baru menginjak umur 5 tahun udah bisa jagain adek
nya. Dia punya sikap yang dewasa banget untuk anak-anak seumuran nya. Dia nggak pernah ngeluh
kalo disuruh buat jagain adek nya. Dia yang selalu mau dan nawarin diri buat jagain Nadine. Bahkan
kadang cuman dia yang ngerti apa yang diomongin sama adek nya. Karena Nadine baru saja
menginjak umur 3 tahun beberapa bulan yang lalu dan kata-kata yang diucap masih kurang jelas
buat dimengerti.
Setelah semua barang-barang selesai di tata dengan rapi di dalam campervan, gue langsung n
yamperin anak-anak yang lagi asik main berdua.
"Gilaaaaaang Nadiiiiiineee" gue manggil mereka pake nada yang sengaja gue panjangin sambil
lari-lari kecil nyamperin mereka. Pas gue lari ternyata mereka lagi mainan ayunan, Gilang yang
150
berusaha mendorong ayunan yang lagi dinaikin sama Nadine yang asik banget ketawa sambil
menikmati angin yang berhembus dan berusaha menyingkirkan anak rambut nya. Nadine yang
ketawa cekikikan karena seneng dan Gilang yang suka isengin adik nya. Kalo udah ngeliat mereka
berdua rasanya hal-hal yang paling gemes di dunia ini langsung kalah seketika sama gemesnya mere-
ka.
"Udahan yuk, main nya" gue nyamperin mereka dan buru-buru buat angkat Nadine dari ayunan.
"Okay, Ma." Gilang nyautin perkataan gue sambil ngebantuin bawa boneka nya Nadine yang
diletakkan di atas jungkat-jungkit yang juga ada disini, tanpa disuruh, he has the responsibility, see,
dia itu dewasa banget.
Gue ngajak Gilang dan Nadine buat cepet-cepet masuk ke dalem campervan. Ngasih tau mereka
kalau selama 1 minggu kedepan kita bakalan tidur disini, main disini, mandi disini, dan melakukan
hal-hal yang biasanya kita lakukan dirumah disini. Gilang keliatan excited banget karena dia tahu
selama 4 hari kedepan, papa nya yang bakalan nyetir. Gilang suka banget kalo diajak jalan-jalan
keliling naik mobil sama Daniel. Itu juga jadi salah satu alasan kenapa kita mutusin buat nyewa
campervan disini.
Selagi Daniel ngecek air yang ada di kamar mandi, gue mulai nyatet dan masukin ke dalam notes
hp gue apa aja bahan-bahan yang perlu dibeli untuk 3-4 hari kedepan. Tujuan pertama kita kali
ini bakalan ke supermarket dulu buat beli bahan-bahan makanan kayak nasi, mie, daging, telur,
sayur-sayuran, air mineral, jajanan anak-anak supaya mereka bisa ngemil selama di perjalanan, dan
masih banyak lagi.
"Kamu kira-kira udah tau belum ndin apa aja yang dibutuhin?" Daniel sekarang sudah duduk di kursi
kemudi.
"Udah kok, paling air mineral aja yang banyak soalnya anak-anak pada doyan minum, terus beli
beras untuk dimasak disini, mie! Kita juga harus beli mie! Terus juga daging, sayur-sayuran sama
paling cemilan buat nyemil anak-anak aja, itu sih yang penting menurut aku, sisanya mungkin ya
nanti kita lihat di sana aja kalo kira-kira bakalan butuh." Gue menjawab pertanyaan Daniel sambil
ngencengin seatbelt Nadine karena dia duduk di car seat yang kita bawa dari rumah. Beruntungnya,
hari ini Nadine nggak begitu rewel, karena biasanya kalo kita ajak Nadine ke lingkungan yang baru
banget dia liat, dia bakal keliatan nggak nyaman dan terus merengek minta pulang.
Gilang dari tadi udah pasang badan dan liatin Daniel, disamping itu Daniel juga kayaknya tau kalo
ada satu orang yang pengen banget duduk di kursi yang ada di sebelah nya.
"Gilang kenapa? Dari tadi liatin papa terus. Mau duduk di sini?" Daniel nanya sambil nunjuk kursi
kosong yang ada di sebelahnya.
"MAU!" Teriak Gilang yang excited sambil buru-buru loncat ke depan lewat celah yang ada di
tengah-tengah kursi kemudi dan kursi sebelahnya.
"Oke sekarang kita jalan ya, cewek-cewek yang di belakang udah ready belum?" Daniel nanya sambil
ngeliat ke arah belakang. Ngeliatin Nadine yang lagi asik ngoceh sambil mainin boneka.
"Udah dong." Gue ngambil tangannya Nadine buat ngacungin jari jempol nya ke arah Daniel. "Nih,
Nadine juga udah ready yeay!"
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 Daniel pelan-pelan mulai melajukan campervan dan kita pun keluar dari tempat penyewaan
campervan ini.
"Papa papa, kita bakal ngebut-ngebut gitu nggak? Kayak ‘McQueen’ gitu loh Pa." Gilang tiba-tiba
nanya dengan mukanya yang udah kesenengan karena bisa duduk di depan.
"Nggak dong, kita pelan-pelan aja ya. Kalo yang pergi cuma kita berdua baru deh kita
ngebut-ngebut."
"Yaaah padahal abang mau kita ngebut aja, kan biar seru." Gilang ngebales jawaban Daniel pake
suara yang lesu sambil menundukan kepala seolah-olah dia kecewa.
"Nggak bisa dong bang, kita kan bawa mama sama adek juga di belakang."
"Hem… Ya udah deh." Jawab Gilang pasrah.
"Iyaa, safety first ya sayang." Kata Daniel dengan senyumannya yang bisa ngilangin matanya sambil
ngusap-ngusap kepala Gilang yang lagi nunduk.
Mereka memang suka banget naik mobil berduaan, sekedar jalan-jalan aja buat cari angin. Daniel
kadang suka ngajak Gilang melaju dengan kencang di jalan tol. Walaupun kadang gue omelin karena
itu bahaya banget, tapi mereka tetap nggak kapok.
Kali ini Daniel nyetirnya beneran pelan banget. Mungkin karena ukuran campervan yang gede
banget ini, mengharuskan dia harus selalu was was dan merhatiin kanan kirinya.
"Aduh aku takut nih, putaran pertama," Daniel ngomong tiba-tiba setelah ngeliat ada bundaran di
depan.
"Niel, asli, kalo kamu pesimis kayak gitu yang ada malah gagal nanti. Udah fokus aja lihat kedepan,
kaya baru belajar nyetir aja deh." Gue gregetan sama dia, gue tau sebenernya dia bisa ngelewatin itu
cuma ya emang anaknya suka merendah aja.
Di New Zealand ini, jalan nya penuh sama puteran. Jadi Daniel bener-bener harus hati-hati karena
dia sebenernya udah struggle duluan karena takut nggak bisa menyetir dengan aman dari sebelum
kita sampai disini. Padahal, dia setiap hari nyetirin gue dan nganterin Gilang ke sekolah.
"Tuh kan, kamu tuh kebanyakan menye-menye nya tau, tuh, buktinya kamu bisa kan ngelewatin
puterannya." Kalimat gue ngebuktiin kalo Daniel sebenernya emang bisa. Cuman dia nya aja yang
suka begitu.
Dia ngejawab omongan gue cuman pake cengiran dan kekehan rendah andalan dia.
"Eh tapi orang-orang disini tuh keren loh, Din, kamu lihat kan tadi pas kita mau muter? Mereka tuh
mau gantian gitu, aku kira bakalan serobot-serobotan kayak di Indo."
"Iya iya, aku juga bingung banget tadi. Maksudnya tuh tertib banget gitu loh, enak jadinya kan nggak
macet. Aku kira juga kita bakalan ngalamin macet pas kamu bilang disini jarang ada traffic light."
Dan, yang keren di New Zealand ini adalah ketika kita lagi melewati beberapa putaran, kendaraan
dari arah lain yang berlawanan selalu mau buat gantian. Padahal, disini nggak ada lampu lalu lintas.
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Mereka yang tinggal disini bener-bener tertib. Bahkan, Daniel aja yang udah khawatir secara
berlebihan pas tau kalau disini banyak putaran dan nggak ada lampu merah pun sempet was-was.
Tapi, setelah kita melewati putaran pertama, kita kaget, ternyata bener-bener tertib. Sekarang
Daniel sudah mulai percaya sama dirinya sendiri setiap kali di depan ada puteran yang harus kita
lewati.
Setelah 10 menit akhirnya kita sampai di pemberhentian pertama kita yaitu supermarket. Nggak
banyak yang bakalan kita lakukan disini karena kita cuma pengen makan siang dan beli
bahan-bahan juga perlengkapan yang diperlukan selama 3-4 hari kedepan. Kenapa cuma untuk 3-4
hari? Karena untuk hari-hari terakhir kita bakalan keliling kota dan banyak yang bisa dibeli di sana.
Gue turun dari campervan sambil gendong Nadine di tangan kanan gue, sedangkan tangan kiri gue
dipake buat bawa kupluk dan sarung tangan buat Gilang dan Nadine karena suhu yang rendah
banget. Daniel lagi fokus ngeluarin stroller dari dalam campervan buat ngebawa Nadine selama di
supermarket. Dia mengambil Nadine dari tangan gue buat langsung didudukin di stroller nya,
masangin seatbelt nya dan langsung nyamperin Gilang yang baru aja turun tapi udah lari-larian.
Kita berempat jalan buat masuk ke supermarket, Daniel lagi gendong Gilang, sedangkan gue dorong
stroller nya Nadine. Kita mengambil troli dulu sebelum masuk ke area sayur dan buah-buahan. Kita
ngambil sayuran dan buah terlebih dahulu karena section sayur dan buah-buahan ada nya di dekat
pintu masuk. Gue milih-milih buah kayak anggur, apel, dan stroberi. Karena kita berempat suka
banget ngemil buah jadi kita mutusin buat beli lebih banyak buah. Untuk air, kita ambil sebanyak
mungkin yang kita butuhkan karena kita berempat juga doyan minum. Sisanya kayak mie, daging,
nasi, roti dan selai-selai nya, jajanan, biskuit buat Nadine, dan yang terakhir pocari sweat kita ambil
seperlunya dan secukupnya.
Setelah selesai grocery shopping dan semua barang sudah kita masukkan ke dalam campervan,
saatnya melanjutkan perjalanan. Nadine lagi tidur, Gilang lagi anteng mainan sambil nungguin kita
beresin bahan-bahan masakan dan masukkan semuanya ke dalam kulkas.
Karena hari sudah mulai gelap, kita mutusin buat bermalam di tepi danau yang lokasinya tidak jauh
dari supermarket yang barusan kita datangi. Nadine masih tidur, Gilang juga baru saja tidur. Sisa
gue sama Daniel, kita berdua lagi di luar campervan untuk duduk-duduk sambil nyalain api unggun
sebagai penghangat karena udara diluar yang super duper dingin.
Sebenernya Daniel nggak mau duduk di luar begini, katanya takut gue kedinginan dan nggak kuat.
Tapi, gue paksa aja dia buat keluar, toh, disini juga pemandangannya bagus walaupun sudah gelap
dan nggak ada pencahayaan sama sekali di sekitar sini. Tapi, karena kita berhasil buat nyalain api
unggun jadi sedikit ada pencahayaan dan bisa ngeliat gimana pemandangan di sekitar danau ini.
"Udahlah, Din, kalo nggak kuat ke dalem aja yuk." Daniel masih berusaha ngebujuk gue buat masuk
ke dalam campervan di tengah-tengah api unggun yang berhasil menyala dengan sempurna. Dia
terduduk sambil memeluk dirinya sendiri karena dinginnya suhu udara; dia kelihatan lucu banget,
cemberut sambil nyoba buat melawan hawa dingin yang menggerogoti badan kita.
"Ih, apaan sih orang udah enak gini, udah pewe tau!" Gue jawab pake nada yang sedikit ngeyel sambil
pasang muka sebel.
"Kamu nggak takut apa, misalnya nanti tiba-tiba ada putih-putih lewat di depan mata kamu gimana?
Hii, serem." Dia mungkin berusaha nakut-nakutin gue, padahal di tempat yang pemandangan nya
sebagus ini, mana bisa sih ada orang yang percaya kalo ada hal-hal kayak gitu. Kalo aja dia bilang
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 yang lewat itu peri-peri cantik atau peri-peri yang suka muncul di mimpi anak-anak yang suka
cabutin gigi mereka. Baru tuh, gue bakalan percaya.
"Ish kamu mah, cemen! masa sama kaya gituan aja takut si?" Jawab gue sambil ketawa ngeledekin dia.
"Kita ngapain ya, Niel, biar seru? Bosen juga sih cuma duduk-duduk begini." Gue nanya ke Daniel
yang lagi mainin kayu yang ada di depan api unggun.
"Kita deep talk aja yuk, mau gak?"
"Buset, kaya anak muda aje lu, segala mau deep talk."
"Ya kan mumpung anak-anak lagi pada tidur juga, maksud aku tuh ya kita deep talk bukan yang
beneran deep tapi biar ada quality time buat ngobrol aja kalo misalnya kamu ada yang mau diomon-
gin gitu, selama ini kan kita capek kerja, sampe rumah langsung ketemu sama anak-anak paling kalo
ada waktu berduaan di kamar juga pasti selalu sama-sama capek terus langsung tidur."
"Oh iya, kamu ada benernya juga sih." Gue ngebales perkataan Daniel.
"Kamu gimana? Ada yang mau diomongin nggak?" Daniel nanya sambil benerin posisi duduknya.
Posisi kita berdua sekarang ada di sebelah campervan, dengan posisi duduk yang saling berhadapan
supaya salah satu dari kita bisa ngeliat keadaan di dalem campervan lewat kaca.
"Aku jujur nggak ada sih, karena selama ini kan aku selalu terbuka sama kamu, jadi aku nggak tau
mau ngomong apa. Mungkin kalo kamu duluan yang ngomong aku bakal bisa nyesuain."
"Aku apa ya, aku juga nggak ada si sebenernya, cuman aku pengen aja ngobrol berdua gini. Oh iya,
tapi aku mau tanya, kamu dapet ide supaya kita liburan dengan nyewa campervan dari mana deh?"
"Lah! aku kira kamu udah tau. Soalnya respon kamu pas aku selesai jelasin rencana ini kamu iya iya
aja."
"Nggak, aku nggak tau. Aku iya iya aja karena menurutku bakalan seru apalagi kita nggak bawa
suster buat jagain anak-anak, plus Gilang juga suka kalo aku setirin begini."
"Oh iya jadi aku tuh sempet liat YouTuber gitu dia jalan-jalan kesini sama keluarganya, tempatnya
juga sama, nah aku pengen nyoba aja sih, kayaknya seru."
"Okay, I see, I see.”
"Kepikiran deh aku, buat ngajak Thalia, Tasha, sama Kaia kesini, maksudnya kita semua sama-sama
nyewa campervan juga."
"Bakalan seru banget sih pasti." Jawabnya dengan senyuman.
"Iya kan? Coba nanti aku iseng-iseng omongin deh kalo lagi ngumpul." Gue ngomong sambil masang
ekspresi senang. Lagian kenapa gue bisa nggak kepikiran ya kalo ngajak mereka bertiga sama
keluarganya? Pasti bakalan seru banget.
Setelah 20 menit berlalu, deep talk yang sebenarnya bukan deep talk tapi cuma ngobrol biasa aja,
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berhenti begitu aja karena Gilang ngetok-ngetok pintu campervan dari dalem, ngasih aba-aba kalo
dia udah bangun. Gue-pun langsung buru-buru masuk ke dalem sekalian mengecek Nadine.
"Kamu udah bangun dari tadi, Bang?" Gue nanya Gilang sambil menutup pintu biar udara dingin
nggak bisa masuk dan dia udah balik lagi ke kasur buat ngambil mainan nya.
"Iya, Ma. Gilang udah bangun dari tadi. Adek juga udah bangun tadi tapi abang ajak main sebentar
terus she's back to sleep." Kata Gilang menjawab pertanyaan gue sambil buru-buru keluar nyamperin
Daniel buat main.
Setelah Nadine bangun dari tidurnya, gue langsung berinisiatif buat mandiin dia karena dia belum
mandi sama sekali dari tadi siang pas kita berangkat dari hotel. Sementara Ini udah jam 8 malam
dan di luar dingin banget jadi gue sedikit nggak tega mau bawa Nadine keluar. Kita berdua mandi di
dalam campervan pake air hangat.
Pas jam menunjukkan setengah sembilan malam, Gilang juga udah mandi. Daniel lagi siap-siap buat
masakin kita semua steak. Menurut gue, personally, masakan suami gue emang nggak ada
tandingannya. Entah gue ngomong gini karena udah dipelet atau gimana tapi sejak jadi istrinya
Daniel, makanan terenak ya… cuma masakan Daniel.
Setelah makanan kita semua habis, gue berencana buat langsung tidur karena capek banget dan
selama di perjalanan tadi gue belum tidur sama sekali. Mata gue udah capek banget buat nemenin
anak-anak main. Mereka nggak bisa tidur karena mereka udah tidur lama banget tadi, tapi, gue
paksa mereka buat tidur lagi karena diluar juga udah gelap yang artinya udah malem banget dan
beruntungnya gue sama Daniel adalah lama-lama mereka juga ikutan tidur. Gue sama Daniel
langsung buru-buru buat tidur di samping mereka karena Daniel juga belum sama sekali tidur dari
tadi siang.
***
DAY 2, 09: 00 AM
Alarm Gue dan Daniel setelah punya anak adalah tangisan dan rengekan dari anak-anak kita yang
biasanya kalo mereka udah bangun tapi kita berdua belum bangun, mereka langsung ngasih reaksi
yang disebutkan tadi. Karena kasur di dalam campervan ini lebih kecil dari kasur rumah kita, pas
Nadine bangunm dia langsung nangis kenceng banget dan melemparkan badannya ke atas badan
gue, kayak cicak.
"Good morning sayangku cintaku." Ucap gue sambil meluk dan ciumin kepala Nadine yang posisinya
masih nangkring di atas badan gue. Dia udah berenti nangis pas tau gue udah bangun.
Nadine udah meluk gue selama 10 menit, dia tetap stay di atas badan gue sambil ndusel-ndusel di
dada gue. Sedangkan Gilang dan Daniel masih tidur pules banget. Ngeliat mereka tidur berdua lucu
banget deh, posisi Daniel yang lagi meluk Gilang dan Gilang sebagai anak yang baik hati, ngebales
pelukan Papanya.
Pagi hari ini disambut sama pup nya Nadine yang bau banget. Gue yakin maksud dari dia nemplok
ke badan gue karena dia mungkin lagi mau pup atau emang udah pup. Cuman, yang jelas, pas gue
angkat dia dari kasur, celana nya udah bau banget. Gue pikir, setelah seharian kemarin lancar-lancar
aja tapi ternyata nggak. Nadine tiba-tiba pup dan itu bau nya bisa bikin satu campervan bau. Dan
kita beneran nggak tau gimana cara ngilangin bau nya selain menyemprot parfum di dalam ruangan
155
 tertutup itu.
Setelah gue sadar kalo ini udah siang, gue langsung buru-buru buat ke dapur masakin anak dan
suami gue sarapan. Meskipun keahlian masak gue sama Daniel masih kalah jauh, tapi kalo sekedar
bikin roti bakar sama nasi goreng.. ya, gue bisa lah! walaupun kadang hasilnya tetep nggak enak.
Beberapa menit gue sibuk bikin sarapan di dapur, Daniel tiba-tiba datang. Dia meluk pinggang gue
dan langsung bantuin gue masak. Sekali lagi, hal-hal kayak gini yang bikin gue nggak bisa berpaling
dari dia. Dia langsung gerak cepat buat bantuin gue menumis bawang yang udah di potong buat
bikin nasi goreng. Dia ngelakuin ini setelah Gilang udah selesai mandi dan Nadine lagi anteng
nonton video kartun yang ada di handphone. Again, dia ngelakuin hal-hal yang bikin gue makin
jatuh cinta sama sikap dan perilaku dia.
Hari ketiga kita di New Zealand yang artinya ini udah hari kedua kita buat tinggal di dalam
campervan. Sekarang kita semua udah pada mandi pagi, udah sarapan, udah rapi dan siap buat
ngelanjutin perjalanan selanjutnya. Kali ini Gue dan Daniel udah nentuin destinasi yang bakalan
kita kunjungi hari ini. Kita bakalan pergi ke Lake Tekapo. Lake Tekapo adalah danau yang letaknya
berada di Mackenzie. Kita bisa ngelakuin banyak aktivitas disana. Tapi, kali ini kita memilih untuk
pergi ke Tekapo Ski Field karena kita mau main ski.
Butuh waktu sekitar 1 jam buat sampai ditempat tujuan kita. Daniel nyetir dengan kecepatan di
bawah rata-rata karena kita udah mulai ngelewatin jalanan yang berlika-liku di tepi bukit. Di setiap
perjalanan yang kita tempuh pasti selalu ada yang bikin gue takjub sama New Zealand. Kali ini, ada
sekumpulan domba yang banyak banget jumlahnya lagi jalan, mereka kayaknya mengelilingi bukit
dan yang lucunya lagi, mereka jalannya tertib banget, mereka berbaris. Barisan domba itu kelihatan
rapi banget di mata gue dan bikin gue keliatan kagum.
Setelah 1 jam perjalanan dan banyaknya hal-hal menarik yang gue liat selama perjalanan, kita pun
sampai di tempat tujuan. Akhirnya, kita sampai di Lake Tekapo. Daniel langsung ngarahin
campervan kita ke tempat Ski Field.
Nadine bakalan dijagain secara ganti-gantian sama gue dan Daniel. Karena dia masih kecil dan takut
nggak kuat sama dingin nya cuaca diluar, apalagi sekarang lagi winter. Jadi, Nadine cuma bisa main
sebentar disini.
Hari ini, kita cuman sama-sama main ski, gue nggak punya waktu yang lama buat main karena harus
jagain Nadine. Nggak banyak yang bisa kita lakukan selain main Ski, karena kita bawa anak-anak
jadi mereka nggak bisa lama-lama diluar. Gilang sama Daniel masih asik banget diluar padahal cuaca
nya udah dingin parah. Mereka keliatan seneng banget dan aura bapak-bapaknya Daniel kalo lagi
main sama Gilang tuh tiba-tiba keluar begitu aja, itu sih, yang bikin dia tambah cakep tiap harinya.
Setelah selesai main ski, kita menuju tempat pembuangan kotoran dan pengisian air yaitu Public
Dump Station. Jadi, di New Zealand itu ada banyak banget tempat-tempat buat ngisi air da
perbekalan orang-orang yang lagi nyewa campervan kayak kita ataupun orang-orang yang lagi
camping. Disini benar-benar disediakan dari air, bensin, pembuangan air kotor, bahkan
tempat-tempat yang bisa dipake buat sekedar bermalam atau beristirahat buat yang lagi nyewa
campervan.
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***
05: 00 PM
Hari udah mulai gelap, kita semua udah makan siang pakai chicken katsu buatan Daniel. Sekarang
saatnya kita cari tempat untuk bermalam. Jadi, karena disini tuh banyak banget tempat-tempat yang
bisa kita pake buat bermalam khusus nya buat orang yang lagi camping atau lagi bawa campervan
kayak kita gini, harga nya juga variatif, ada yang mahal banget dan bahkan ada juga yang gratis.
Kali ini, kita bakalan ngabisin malam kedua menuju ketiga di campervan ini di tepi danau (lagi).
Kita ke tepi Lake Tekapo dimana we can see the stars and Milky Way so well in here. Yes, kita bisa
stargazing disini.
Malam ini kita ngabisin waktu dengan duduk-duduk di luar. Gue dan Daniel lagi fokus ngeliatin
bintang-bintang di atas. That’s right, you can see the stars with your naked eyes.
"Niel." Gue manggil dia tiba-tiba.
"Kenapa, Din?" Daniel yang lagi fokus liatin langit di atas agak terkejut pas gue panggil.
"Do you miss Indonesian food?" I ask him, looking for slight validation because I kinda miss them.
"Duh, mau bilang baru 3 hari disini tapi aku juga kangen banget lagi."
"Aku kangen makanannya Warung Wardani tau." Warung Wardani Tuban. Restoran di dekat
bandara yang selalu jadi tujuan pertama turis kalo mereka baru mendarat di Ngurah Rai; lauknya
beneran enak banget. Makan di sana udah jadi ritual kita berdua kalo abis landing.
"Should we?"
"Apa?"
"Makan langsung ke sana, pas udah balik."
"YES, OKAY." Gue menjawab dengan bersemangat.
"Eh iya, since there's no signal in here, kerjaan kamu gimana? Maksud aku tuh aman atau nggak?
Soalnya dari kemarin kamu diem aja aku takutnya kamu ada kepikiran apa gitu."
"Aku diem aja soalnya emang kamu yang selama perjalanan selalu tidur, Din. Tapi nggak sih,
kerjaanku semuanya udah ada yang handle. Cuman, minus-nya aku jadi nggak tau aja kabar terkini
nya gimana."
"Kamu gimana?" Daniel nanya gue, tiba-tiba mukanya yang tadinya nunduk sekarang udah tegak,
ngeliatin gue
"Ih, aku kangen Tasha, Kaia, sama Thalia deh."
"Oh, kalo aku nggak kangen sih sama Gazi, Han, sama Shua"
"Yeeee, kamu mah emang temen kurang ajar. Padahal ya, aku pengen banget pamerin suasana disini."
157

"Oh iya, by the way, aku mau nanya lagi." Gue nggak tau kenapa juga malam ini banyak banget
pertanyaan yang ada di kepala gue. "Kamu enjoy nggak sih, liburan begini? Ya walaupun I’ve asked
you before, tapi setelah kamu ngejalanin nya walaupun baru 2 hari nyetir, gimana? How do you feel
about this trip?" Gue nanya pertanyaan itu karena tiba-tiba kepikiran, takutnya dia capek nyetir atau
mungkin dia bosan.
"Capek sih… pasti ya, cuman kalo capek nyetir tuh tiap selesai nyetir juga aku langsung main sama
anak-anak jadi kebayar lah capeknya. Kamu jangan mikir aku capek atau gimana ya apalagi mikir
kalo ini gara-gara kamu yang awalnya punya rencana buat kesini." Daniel ngomong seolah-olah tahu
apa yang ada di pikiran gue. Memang, dari dulu bahkan awal-awal kita pacaran, gue selalu mikir kalo
kehadiran gue yang tiba-tiba masuk ke dalem ke hidupnya Daniel itu cuman jadi beban. Makanya,
sampe sekarang gue selalu nanya-nanya pertanyaan kayak gini – mungkin sebagai bentuk validasi
tersendiri dari seseorang yang opininya emang masih sangat penting buat gue.
"Aku seneng kok, Din, di samping liburan ini emang bikin aku capek karena harus nyetir dan
bantuin kamu jaga anak-anak juga, tapi aku seneng banget, beneran deh." Daniel jawab pertanyaan
itu dengan ekspresi yang excited.
"Aku nggak tau harus bilang apa sama kamu, Niel. All I can say to you is thank you and I love you." Gue
berubah jadi Andin yang clingy secara tiba-tiba sambil meluk Daniel dan nyampein rasa terima
kasih. Dari 2 tahun yang lalu gue mau banget ke New Zealand, cuman kita emang harus nyocokin
waktu dan jadwal dulu. Terus beberapa bulan nya lagi, gue liat di YouTube kalo ada keluarga yang
nyewa campervan dan jalan-jalan disini. Jadilah, gue minta ke Daniel buat nyewa campervan disini.
"Love you too, the pleasure is all mine, Din. Thank you juga udah ngajak aku dan anak-anak kesini. I love you,
forever." Dia ngebales pelukan gue sambil nyiumin ubun-ubun gue.
Salah satu dream come true versi gue adalah bisa pelukan dibawah bintang-bintang yang indah. Dan
itu dilakukan langsung sama suami gue. Walaupun gue sempet pesimis karena nggak setiap saat
bintang-bintang di sini bisa muncul dan bisa dilihat dengan mata telanjang.
Tapi hari ini, mereka dengan sukarela menampakkan dirinya di atas langit-langit yang indah dan
meskipun suhu udara bikin gue hampir menggigil tapi ngeliat pemandangan itu sambil ada di dalem
kedua lengan Daniel yang hangat, everything feels worth it.
***
DAY 3 , 02 :00 P M
Hari ini, kita bakalan pergi ke Burkes Pass yang jaraknya cuma 20 menit dari tempat dimana kita
bermalam. Burkes Pass mimics a small New Zealand town from the 1950s. Tempatnya penuh sama
gedung-gedung kecil yang warna-warni. Di sini kita bisa hunting foto dan jalan-jalan. Di sini sepi,
jadi kita bisa main dengan sepuasnya. Nadine lagi di gendong sama Daniel, Gilang gue gandeng buat
jalan bareng. Cuaca kali ini nggak terlalu dingin buat anak-anak makanya kita santai aja bawa
mereka keluar, tapi mereka tetap harus pake baju double dan jaket.
2 jam kita habisin buat keliling Burkes Pass. Karena kita belum makan siang, jadi gue dan Daniel
mutusin buat makan salmon. Di deket sini ada High Country Salmon. Penangkaran salmon dimana
kita bisa makan salmon dari hasil tangkapan kita sendiri.
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Gue sama anak-anak gue lagi asik ngasih makan ikan salmon, sementara Daniel lagi booking tempat
makan buat kita berempat.
Pas Daniel selesai booking meja dan ngasih tau ke kita dimana tempatnya. Gue langsung masuk ke
dalem dan buru-buru duduk di meja yang udah dipesan. Daniel sama Gilang masih asik mancing
ikan salmon buat diolah dan kita makan bareng-bareng. Gue lagi asyik ngajak ngobrol Nadine
sambil ketawa-tawa.
Setelah beberapa menit, akhirnya Gilang dan Daniel berhasil dapat 1 ikan salmon, Daniel langsung
minta salmon itu buat diolah, dan akhirnya kita bisa makan.
Karena kegiatan makan kita udah selesai, sekarang saatnya belanja! Di sini banyak banget yang bisa
dibeli, ada daging-daging salmon, souvenir kayak keychain dan lain-lain. Engga banyak yang gue beli,
tapi Daniel yang banyak banget beli daging salmon, katanya sih buat di masak.
Cuma itu yang bisa kita lakukan hari ini. Karena pas abis selesai makan dan belanja salmon, Nadine
tiba-tiba rewel.
***
DAY 4, 08: 00 AM
Pagi ini, kita bakalan pergi ke Queenstown, kita juga mau main di campground yang ada disana.
Perjalanan dari tempat kita sekarang untuk menuju ke Queenstown sekitar 3 jam-an.
Sudah hari keempat, yang artinya ini udah hari terakhir kita di campervan. Rasanya nggak ikhlas
sama sekali buat pulang. Rasanya baru saja semalam kita bermalam di tepi danau. Hari ini kita udah
harus balikin campervan dan hari ini juga kita bakalan pergi ke kota.
"Abang sedih gak bang? Kita bakalan pulang ke rumah." Daniel nanya ke Gilang yang lagi duduk di
sebelahnya sambil ngeliatin jalanan.
"Abang sedih, tapi abang juga kangen rumah." Gilang menjawab pertanyaan Daniel sambil benerin
posisi duduknya.
"Jadi, abang sedih apa nggak nih kita bakalan pulang?"
"Sedih, cuma kan kita bisa balik lagi kesini. Iya kan, Ma?" Gilang tiba-tiba ngelempar pertanyaan ke
gue juga.
"Bener, nanti kita bisa balik lagi kesini. Abang mau engga kalo nanti balik lagi kesini kita ajak Kakak
Athena, Gian, Maiko, sama Janitra. Abang mau?"
"Mau banget. Abang suka banget main sama mereka. They're always so funny."
***
10: 15 AM
Setelah 3 jam perjalanan yang melelahkan ini akhirnya selesai juga, kita sampai di pusat kota
Queenstown dan langsung menuju ke supermarket terdekat buat beli makanan dan sekalian makan
siang disana. Karena kita masih ada salmon yang kemarin, jadi untuk sekarang kita bakalan beli
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 secukupnya saja dan kali ini belanjanya cuma buat bekal seharian karena besok malam kita udah
harus terbang balik ke Indonesia.
Selesai grocery shopping kita langsung ke tempat pengembalian campervan. Dan pas selesai pun, kita
langsung menuju ke hotel dan check in. Nggak tau kenapa kalo udah mau pulang tuh waktu terasa
jalan 2 kali lebih cepat dari biasanya.
***
05:17 P M
Sesampainya di hotel, kita semua langsung mengambil posisi masing-masing di tempat tidur. Nggak
tau kenapa, tapi, keluarga gue setiap ketemu kasur langsung jadi orang yang mageran. Kayak
sekarang, gue harusnya udah siap-siap buat masak dan mulai nyiapin makan malam sama Daniel tapi
kita berdua malah nemenin Gilang sama Nadine nonton TV.
Sampai hari udah mulai gelap, kita semua belum juga bangun dari kasur. Anak-anak juga lagi pada
main; mainan di atas kasur yang bikin kita tambah males buat bangun.
"Sedih ya, Din." Daniel ngebalik badan buat ngeliat gue yang lagi godain Nadine.
"Sedih mulu ah yang diomongin." Gue bingung karena Daniel dari tadi ngebahas yang sedih-sedih
terus gara-gara kita mau pulang. Gue takut dia bakal ngajak kita bertiga buat pindah ke
New Zealand karena saking sedihnya ninggalin tempat ini.
"Ah nggak seru kan aku ceritanya mau mellow gitu karena kita mau pulang." Kata Daniel sambil
berdiri dan jalan ke arah dapur.
Gue ngikutin dia dari belakang, ternyata dia udah mau mulai masak dan nyiapin makan malam.
Kalian jangan heran, soalnya gue nggak bisa masak jadi kalo ada kesempatan Daniel yang masak ya
pasti selalu Daniel. Masakan terenak gue mentok-mentok di nasi goreng buat bekal nya Gilang itu
juga kalo dia lagi minta dibawain sama mie instan aja.
"Wih, kamu mau masak ya, Niel?"
"Ya iya dong Andin Arestriku, emangnya kalo udah begini aku mau apa? Mandi? Kan nggak." Kata
Daniel sambil nunjuk apron yang ada di pinggang pake tangan kiri sementara tangan kanannya lagi
megang pisau.
"Ih yaudah, gitu aja kok sewot si mas Daniel," gue ngebales omongan Daniel pake nada sarkastik.
Selagi Daniel masak, gue nyiapin anak-anak yang belum pada mandi sore. Kali ini kita nggak mau
ngeluarin banyak barang dari koper karena udah ngambil banyak banget pelajaran di hari pertama
yaitu: telat.
Pas masakannya Daniel udah siap semua, kita langsung siap-siap buat makan malem bareng-bareng.
Kali ini gue sama Daniel tiba-tiba pengen makan sambil duduk di karpet yang disediakan di hotel
ini. Gue ngambil makanan yang udah jadi buat disusun diatas karpet ini.
Selesai makan kita langsung tidur karena kita terlalu capek. Gue dari awal sebenernya udah tau kalo
kegiatan kayak gini tuh pasti lebih capek dari kegiatan-kegiatan yang biasanya kita lakuin
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bareng-bareng. Apalagi Daniel, dia harus nyetir selama 4 hari ditambah selalu masakin makanan
buat kita bertiga.
***
04: 00 AM
Matahari memang belum naik, tapi gue yakin ini udah pagi. Nggak tau juga kenapa gue bisa narik
asumsi itu. Gue bangun di saat anak-anak dan suami gue belum pada bangun. Gue berinisiatif buat
langsung siap-siap dan beresin koper biar nanti nggak terlalu panik kalau waktunya tiba-tiba udah
mepet. Gue nyiapin baju-baju yang bakalan dipake dan masukin semua barang-barang sisa ke dalam
koper.
Kita flight sekitar jam 7 pagi dan sekarang udah jam setengah 5 lewat 5 menit. Gue buru-buru
ngebangunin mereka yang mungkin masih nikmatin mimpinya. Koper-koper, car seat, dan stroller
udah siap buat dibawa ke bandara. Sekarang saatnya kita semua siap-siap dan langsung jalan menuju
Christchurch International Airport.
Kali ini, mungkin butuh waktu sekitar 9-10 jam buat sampai di Indonesia karena kita harus transit
dulu di Sydney selama kurang lebih 1 sampai 1 setengah jam atau bahkan lebih.
Selama di pesawat kita berempat asik ngeliatin Nadine yang dari tadi ngoceh terus. Engga tau
kenapa dia heboh sendiri. Nadine selama di dalem pesawat menghabiskan 15 menit pertama
ngoceh-ngoceh bareng Daniel sambil ketawa dan waktu sisanya dia habiskan dengan tidur sampe
sekarang. Gilang udah mulai ngantuk semenjak naik ke pesawat jadi dia sekarang masih tidur. Ting-
gal gue sama Daniel yang masih terjaga.
"Din, makasih ya? Udah ngusulin ide buat liburan kayak gini. I never expected it soalnya kan kamu
orangnya nggak mau yang ribet-ribet." Daniel ngomong ke gue dengan tatapan nya yang mellow.
Mungkin sekarang mood-nya masih sama kayak mellow yang ada di hotel tadi malam.
"Iya, makasih juga kamu udah mau nurutin kemauan aku. Walaupun banyak pertimbangan nya tapi
kamu selalu mau buat usaha biar liburan ini kejadian. Love you, Niel." Gue ngejawab ucapa
terima-kasihnya Daniel sambil ngeliatin wajah nya dan pegang tangan dia.
"Love you too, nanti kita balik lagi ya."
Dari dulu sejak kita pacaran, cowok di sebelah gue ini selalu mau buat nurutin kemauan gue.
Walaupun kadang permintaan gue bukan suatu hal yang dia suka tapi dia selalu usahain biar gue
seneng. Bahkan kalau kadang kita punya opini yang beda, dia nggak pernah membesar-besarkan hal
itu. Dari awal gue kenal sama cowo di sebelah gue itu, gue sadar banyak banget perbedaan di antara
kita yang bikin kita berdua nggak bisa bersatu kayak pasangan-pasangan lain. Tapi, Daniel nggak
pernah memandang perbedaan-perbedaan itu ada. Dia lebih suka nyari persamaan yang ada di
antara kita berdua.
If you were me, would you be able to stop yourself from falling in love with him? I don’t think so.
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 This One, is For You
A S TO RY BY RO S

I t’s 4:41 AM and here I am wide awake, again.

It’s been 7 months since it all happened but seems like I have gone nowhere.

I found myself wide awake, gasping for air, my chest tight. Wonder why school never teaches us how
to deal with a broken heart. Did you know that you can actually die from it?

My mind travels back to the day when it all went South, when all hell broke loose.

***

“Why? Just give me one solid answer on why we should end it?” I asked.

“I just think that would be the best for the both of us.”

“What do you mean? Are you like what? Bored or something?” Frustration would be an understatement at that
point.

“Yes, let’s just say I am.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean? ‘Let’s just say’? you better be joking now.”

Silence was all I got.

“What is it? Talk to me, please.” I was practically begging at that point. Look, begging had never been a part
of me. It pretty much didn’t exist in my vocabulary. But for some reason I was just not ready yet to let go of
something that was so… hard to figure out for the longest time.

“What would you like me to say? What are you expecting?”

I took a deep breath and mustered all the courage I had left and asked the question, “Are you seeing someone
else? Or… or are you interested in someone else?” There was a pause after I stuttered out the question, but I
kept on going, “It’s okay if it’s true, I can handle it. But please, tell me what it is.”

“Let me ask you,” It’s funny how I felt so sick in my gut, but what I saw from their eyes was just, nothing.
Empty, almost like boredom. “When you’re with me, what do you feel?”

Isn’t that just insane? Not only did I need to digest my emotions; I must dissect my feelings to answer their
question?

I closed my eyes, regaining my composure, thinking about all the emotions that I felt in the last year and a half
I spent with this person, my person.

164 165
 “I feel excited, I feel happy, almost giddy all the time, like watching fireworks? Like that feeling when you see a
puppy? I don’t know how to describe it.” Being one of the Hadis doesn’t come with a perk of being fluent about
how you feel. “But it feels amazing, I feel content.”
There was a smile, almost a smirk even. “Well, there it is, that’s the problem.”
“What do you mean?”
“I felt… at peace. Like floating on a lazy river kinda peace.”
I am confused, with a capital C, furrowing my brows, “Isn’t that a good thing?”
“Nat…” they crossed their legs, instantly I’m getting an advisor vibe–like I was talking to my therapist and not
my partner, “Love isn’t supposed to feel like a lazy river. You’re meant to feel like the whole zoo is tossing and
turning your insides upside down, thousands of fireworks, you feel like you could die if you didn’t hear a word
from that person and,” there is an emphasis on their last sentence, “the most important thing is that you should
be the main character in it.”
My tears welled up; it felt like I'd been hit on my gut with a massive metal ball.
Because I knew what was coming after that.
“It’s just, I don’t feel the same about you, or about us. Nothing excites me anymore.”
I swallowed my tears, “But you have always been the main character, my main character.”
“I know, but you are not mine.”
It literally felt like I had just gotten stung by the biggest bee, and I got struck by a thunder that was meant to
hit me–designated by Zeus, almost. All at once.
“Since when?”
“Since when?” There was about a hint of apologetic look that I could catch, but that one percent gave me hope.
Though it didn’t last very long.
“Honestly? It's long gone. I just couldn’t bring myself to tell you before your exam and all that. I know how
much hard work you put into your studies and stuff.”
“Wow.” Was all I could say.
“Also, I don’t think I’m ready to go ‘public’ just yet, or more likely, not at all.”
“Wow.” My second wow in the last ten seconds.
“I’m sorry Nat, I’m sorry that it didn’t work out like how you wanted it to be.”
“Why do you always say ‘you’ as if I am the only one that wanted all of this? In case you forgot, you agreed to
all of this too.” Unconsciously I raised my voice out of anger, out of frustration, embarrassment, whatever it is,
you name it.
166
“Well, yes, but I thought we were just having fun. How would I know that all of this would matter this much
to you?”
I found myself closing my eyes tight and keeping my ears closed with my hands.
“This is sickening.” That’s all I could say.
15 months, that’s how long I had been dedicating my time and energy. Feeling the happiest because I got the
confidence and the chance to catch a glimpse of living freely as myself. My own self. But the very same person
who gave me all of that, ripped it out of me and tossed it away just like that. Just. Like. That.
I felt like I was about to puke.
“Nat, Natalie, hey,” I can feel the warm touch of their skin on my hand, “everything is gonna be okay, I will
still be here for you, as a friend.”
As a friend my ass, what an insult.
***
I promised myself that night would be the last night I bet my life onto something that isn’t me or
mine.
If you ask, I can’t exactly pinpoint how I feel.
Anger, sadness, loathing, self-pity? I don’t know. It just feels like my heart’s been ripped out, and I
just wanted to cry, scream and then laugh at myself at the end of it.
You know the concept where people would do anything for their significant other? I thought I was in
the middle of that. I just can't understand why it’s so easy for people to come in and out of people’s
lives that they claim they love. Why would someone do this to the person they said they’re in love
with? Or at least, was in love with.
Or maybe I just thought they were in love. In love with the idea of us, in love with the idea of
growing old together. But I guess this is where it all went wrong.
They said your first love never dies.
You can put out the flames, but not the fire.
***
I decided to bring myself to stand up and go outside my room. This is what I like about being in
Europe at this time during spring, you get to see the thinnest line of the sun getting itself ready for
the day. I grabbed my mug and brewed myself a cup of tea.
Sitting myself down on my rounded cloud-like boucle armchair, sipping my tea slowly. This corner
of my apartment will always be my favorite spot for thinking, getting lost in my own pondering.
Little do I know that I’ve drowned myself in my own thoughts until Eloise, my best friend since high
school calls out for me. She’s currently spending her spring break here with me and it’s better to try
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 and get through a heartbreak when someone’s there for you–it’s nice to have a friend to take your
mind off of it sometimes.
“Nat? Tout va bien? (Is everything well?)”
“Hey, yeah I’m all good.” Honestly, I can’t bring myself to tell her that I woke myself up drowning in
my own tears and how my life in the past 7 months has been nothing but a crazy rollercoaster.
"T'es sûr que ça (Are you sure)?”
“Oui, je vais bien, juste…”
She has asked again to make sure that I’m actually okay. And because I don’t really want to worry her
and I’m not in the mood to explain to her, I stop myself before I reveal too much. Afterall, it's
literally 5-ish AM now. Why would I want to drag her into all this mess? This early too? Not the
best idea
“Shall we go for a run?” I offer, taking my usual clear water bottle from one of the cabinets.
Although she knows there must be something wrong with me–call it best-friend’s hunch–she de-
cides to shake it off. Rather than sitting around and letting me mope about it, she gives me a quick
thumbs up and leaves to get herself ready. I know I know, we probably sound like one of those ‘it’
girls by now, right?
Waking up super early, preparing ourselves a cup of coffee, and a morning run. That’s not really
the case for the both of us. After you’ve signed your life away for 4 years together in a netball club,
morning run has become our breakfast more than our actual breakfast. But I’m not complaining, it
has helped me a lot, especially in the past 7 months whenever I want to take my mind off it.
You probably wonder does El–that’s how we all call her–not know about what happened or what?
I thought you guys are best friends? Well… the answer would be a yes and a no. She knows that I
had a messy break up, however, she doesn’t know who they are. As I said, carrying Hadi as your last
name will drag you into a lot of different things. One of them will either have an almost airtight,
secured life story–like my brothers Nathan and Nanda–or an all-you-can-eat buffet life story–like
my half-siblings Ziad and Qamila.
Knowing the pressure that Ziad and Qamila have gone through, the challenges of having your life
studied under a microscope, the burden that they have to carry, I’ve decided to go with the first
option. It’s easier that way, especially since both of my brothers have gone through that path as well.
It feels like our lives are stored inside a ziplock bag, vacuum-sealed–no one will be able to break
through the barrier to find out what secrets that we’ve been keeping.
I don’t necessarily find the need to share my personal life to just anybody, I like to keep it private.
Just… just close enough for myself. It's not the healthiest, but I do feel the safest. Qamila, on the
other hand, has always been telling me how important it is to have someone that is close to
me–outside of family members–as a support system. She said, “Who knows what’s gonna happen
when you don’t have us around?”
This whole conversation happened after she told me for a gazillion times how proud she was after I
stripped my soul naked and told her about myself. Remember that Christmas when we all spent our
time together? That holiday changed my life.
168
Genuinely can’t ask for a better family–really.
El and I finally decided to take a rest after finishing our first two miles, “You feel better?” She asks.
I nod, “Thanks.”
She nods back, there’s a I-have-something-to-ask silence there somewhere.
“What?” I ask.
“What, what? Nothing.” She’s still trying to catch her breath.
“You can say it, El.”
“Nothing Nat, it’s okay. I’ll just wait.”
That moment, I remember what Qamila said to me then, “Nat, if you believe that El will accept you
regardless, believe in yourself. Trust your gut. After all, she is your best friend. You guys have known
each other for a while. Have faith.”
You will think it’s weird that we have been best friends for years, yet this person knows almost
nothing about me. Well, yes, we are close, but it's mostly about our personal feelings that doesn’t
involve families and/or our personal ideology. You get it, it's more about the width rather than the
depth. We made sure we covered all topics.
At times I can tell that she would like to know more about me, but this is what I love about being
friends with her, she is patient, she doesn’t like to force things and she will wait. She believes that
time will heal, and time will tell. And I know for a fact I can run to her, and I can depend on her all
the time.
“El, je peux te dire quelque chose?” I start the engine and I tell her that I have something to share about
myself.
“That’s new,” she says, “of course you can, what is it?”
“I think I’m going to join the pride parade this year.”
“What do you mean by join? You have always been there every year, non?”
There’s a sudden rush of blood to my heart, it beats faster, my palms start to sweat. At this moment
I think to myself whether or not this is a bad idea. I mean if she wishes to leave, she can just run,
right? Not really, all her stuff is still in my apartment. Merde.
“Yes, but this year I’m going to celebrate myself.”
There is a visible confusion, shock, and a definite silence.
I decided to end the silence to clear up the air, “I hope you don’t see me differently, but if you do, I
won’t blame you.” I can feel fear starting to creep up on me, the fear of being judged, being small and
just, different.
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 She clears up her throat, and I take a look at her face.
She looks like she is holding in her tears before I can hear her voice, “Can I hug you?” She asks.
I nod, and when she pulls me into her hug, I can feel the warmth of the sun on my face, the rush of
blood pumping throughout your body, the fullness of my heart. And my body suddenly feels lighter.

“I am incredibly proud of you. Thank you for opening up to me, Nat.”

I can see tears falling down her eyes as she said the most heartwarming thing I’ve heard since I
decided to accept myself.

“I can’t imagine how lonely and alone you feel when you have no one to value and accept you like
how you should be. I can’t imagine how all this time when you are busy celebrating others, you,
yourself, weren't being celebrated.” She took a breath amidst controlling her tears, “I’m sorry you
have to go through all of those feelings alone. I wish I was there with you. I am so happy and proud
of you Natalie. Please remember that I am here for you, and I swear you are a fucking legend.”

I start to tear up and I give her another hug, “Thank you, El, thank you.”

“But please, next time do tell me. I’ve been waiting for so long for you to open up to me.” I laugh and
nod, agreeing with her.

“Promise.”

“Who do you take me for all this time huh?” She jokingly asks.

“Sorry, you know how illiterate I am in the language of emotions.”

“Horrible would be a compliment.” We both laugh, then she continues, “Nat, merci du fond du coeur.”
She thanks me again.

“No El, I should be the one thanking you.”

“No, thank you for being brave. Thank you for being you.”

***

Dear all ‘Natalie’s out there,

You are loved, you are valued,

You’re the real epitome of love.
I’m proud of you. No, we are proud of you.
And this one, is for you.

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 Kinanthi
A S TO RY BY N A R A

***

“Love makes us whole, again.” — Plato

***
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“M enurut kamu, dia bakal lebih mirip siapa, Mas?”

Pertanyaan yang dilontarkan Thalia memotong dengung pendingin ruangan, sekaligus mengalihkan
perhatian Joshua yang awalnya sedang bersenandung pelan mengiringi kegiatan rutinnya;
mengoleskan pelembab di bagian tubuh Thalia ketika keduanya bersiap untuk tidur setiap malam.

The thing is… it is something that Joshua never thought about deeply before. Genuinely.

Mungkin pernah sekali dua topik itu terbesit di benaknya, tetapi tidak cukup lama untuk lelaki itu
lanjut pikirkan secara serius.

Tidak ketika keduanya enggan beranjak dari mobil yang terparkir di depan klinik karena sibuk
tenggelam memandangi serentetan foto hasil kunjungan ke dokter kandungan untuk memastikan
dua garis biru pada tiga batang alat uji kehamilan yang ditaruh berjajar pada pagi di hari yang sama.

Tidak ketika kabar tersebut menuntun saudara-saudarinya kompak memesan penerbangan pertama
ke Indonesia dan merayakan kegembiraan bersama-sama, lalu silih berganti berkunjung pada
bulan-bulan berikutnya — seolah tidak memberikan waktu bagi sepi di ruang tengah rumah keluarga
mereka.

Tidak pula ketika semua kembali berkumpul saat janin di rahim Thalia telah sebesar buah terung
dan adik-adik perempuannya memanggil layanan spa sehingga seluruh rumah dipenuhi harum bunga
melati, sementara adik-adik lelakinya sibuk berdebat mengenai apa saja komponen minuman dawet
serta buah apa saja yang perlu mereka siapkan untuk sajian rujak.

Masih mengusap-usap perut istrinya, Joshua menolehkan kepalanya dan berujar jenaka, “Emangnya
ngga papa kalo udah berat hamil terus ternyata dia lebih mirip aku?”

Alis Thalia yang awalnya bertaut mengiringi pertanyaannya digantikan dengan otot wajah yang
melunak diikuti denting tawa yang menular, disertai tonjokan ringan ke lengan suaminya. Mengerti
bahwa pertanyaan ini akan terjawab sendirinya cepat atau lambat, keduanya membiarkan lengang

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 menyisip dan kembali pada kesibukannya masing-masing.
Lelaki yang tengah menempelkan telinganya ke perut Thalia memberikan wanita itu pemandangan
suaminya yang asyik bercakap soal apa saja dengan bayi di kandungannya. Kepala Joshua bergerak
naik turun seiring nafas Thalia, sementara bahu pria itu kadang menegang — mengindikasikan si
empunya sedang merasakan pergerakan atau ketika ia memutar otak mencari bahan cerita yang
berkaitan dengan budaya leluhurnya. Ketenangan pada menit-menit yang membebaskan pikiran
sang calon ibu berkelana.
hatinya. Secara sempurna wanita itu tunjukkan melalui cara ia menyeimbangkan ambisi-ambisi yang
ia punya selama masa kehamilannya.
Salah satu hal paling konstan di dunia adalah perubahan dan karena itulah sang lelaki selalu
menyempatkan beberapa menit di awal dan di penghujung harinya untuk memandangi wajah wanita
di hadapannya. Bagi Joshua, she is always breathtakingly stunning. Terlebih binar yang seolah terpancar
dari Thalia terasa semakin terang seiring dengan jiwa yang tumbuh di rahimnya, sesuatu yang
kemungkinan besar perempuan itu sendiri tidak bisa lihat dalam pantulan dirinya di kaca.

Honestly? Thalia currently doesn’t have the confidence to take care of another her. And it’s coming
from a good place, the awareness is. She prefers the baby to have Joshua’s all-best quality rather than
her… flaws. Hence, it is actually assuring if the baby grows up to be like him.
Joshua yang perhatiannya pada hal-hal kecil rapi tersusun menjadi hal-hal besar — seperti ketika ia
menyadari berkurangnya frekuensi penggunaan sepatu hak tinggi Thalia dan cerita soal proyek
mendatang yang tidak sebergairah biasanya, yang ternyata menuntun pada tanda bertambahnya
anggota baru keluarga mereka.
Joshua yang selalu membagikan sukacitanya dan memastikan kebahagiaan orang-orang di
sekelilingnya berlipat ganda, yang bisa dihitung jari waktu di mana ia tidak menjadi dirinya —
seperti ketika euforia menyambut buah hati sekaligus menyenangkan istri berujung pada pesanan
stroller untuk anak usia tiga.
Joshua yang selalu memberikan keseluruhannya tanpa diminta, yang seringkali beberapa langkah
lebih siap untuk membimbingnya ke mana pun arah yang mereka tuju sembari memastikan
genggaman tangannya pada Thalia cukup kuat untuk memberikan rasa aman dan cukup longgar
untuk menjamin keleluasaannya dalam mengekspresikan dirinya.
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Lain lagi dengan salah satu hal yang paling lantang di dunia. Meskipun terkadang tidak secara fisik
terwujud dalam tindakan, cinta selalu magis untuk dengan mudah menyelinap pada hati —
membuat makhluk mampu merasakan kehadirannya. Bagi Thalia, the good in their relationship
happened because it’s with him. Lelaki yang melibatkannya dengan skenario konyol di atap hotel
bintang ternama, yang kini tengah membisikkan bait-bait doa dalam suara lembut sebelum ditutup
dengan ciuman pada perutnya.
Dengan catatan pengalaman dan berbagai jabatan yang pernah mereka lalui, belum pernah ada yang
semendebarkan ini sebelumnya. Tentang akan mirip siapa buah hati mereka, rasanya tidak cukup
untuk menjadi persoalan. Toh seperti yang banyak dikatakan sanak kerabat, mereka sedikit banyak
seperti cerminan — mirip keduanya.
One look at Thalia, one deep breath, one stroke of their fingers caressing each other. People often overlook
the amount of effort needed to make a family work and she is perhaps one of the few who know best.
No matter how scary a mistake is, she always has her way of putting things in order. And what’s left is
a happy accident.
One look at Joshua, one deep breath, one moment of their hearts beating together. Just like how this man has
enormous love for someone he is yet to meet, tucking two souls to rest safe and sound every night,
they will be fine. No matter how challenging the future is, he always has enough warmth. And they
will be fine.

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Ringisan kecil muncul di wajah wanita itu karena gerak aktif janinnya. Melihat raut muka Thalia
yang tiba-tiba berubah membuat Joshua menautkan jari-jari mereka. Ia menggerakkan ibu jarinya
dengan gerakan memutar, menyelaraskan nafas keduanya, dan menatap manik istrinya lamat-lamat.

Thalia yang selalu punya cukup keberanian dan mampu mengendalikan ketakutannya sehingga
mampu berada di tengah hal-hal baru dengan perhitungan yang baik dan keluar tanpa terluka —
seperti ketika awal mula hubungan mereka yang tak lama berubah menjadi sesuatu yang lebih
berkomitmen, ada dan nyata.

Thalia yang selalu mempunyai cukup ruang dan kesabaran untuk membiarkan waktu menunjukkan
mana yang terbaik untuk dirinya — seperti keputusannya menetap dan melibatkan dirinya untuk
juga bermanfaat bagi sesama, serta berbagai langkah yang ia ambil agar terbiasa menjadi sosok kakak
tertua di keluarga dengan sekelumit cerita yang disambut dengan tangan terbuka.

Thalia yang memesona dan selalu hadir dalam versi terbaik. Bukan hanya soal parasnya yang tetap
cantik meski semakin jarang memulaskan riasan ataupun bingkai rambut hitamnya yang baru
dipotong beberapa minggu lalu, tetapi soal prioritas yang ia miliki dengan jelas dan kebesaran

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 An Inch of Happiness
A S TO RY BY N A R A

“M bace, what’s your plan today?”

Suara pertanyaan Gian membuyarkan konsentrasi yang udah gue bangun untuk nyelesain misi yang
gue buat sehari lalu atau tepatnya kemarin sore. Misi untuk namatin buku-buku yang udah gue beli
tapi belum gue sentuh sama sekali sejak dua tahun yang lalu. Gue nggak menghiraukan pertanyaan dia
tentang plan gue, seharusnya dia bisa melihat plan gue sampai 2 bulan ke depan adalah duduk di sofa
ini. Sofa yang ada di apartemen miliknya, adek gue, adalah tempat ternyaman dari semua sudut ruang
bagian apartemennya. Di sana gue menggulung diri untuk mendapatkan posisi sempurna untuk baca.

“Mbace, aku nanya, lho!,” nadanya memelas, sedangkan gue masih berusaha untuk ngumpulin ke-
ping-keping konsentrasi yang udah berceceran.

Gue bisa dengar langkah kaki Gian yang makin mendekat. Setelahnya, gue tau dia udah berdiri tegak
menghalangi satu-satunya sumber cahaya gue untuk membaca.

“Kamu budek tah, Mbace?” tanyanya sambil berkacak pinggang. Buku yang ada di tangan dengan cepat
gue tutup dan taruh di meja. Gue melihat dia dengan mimik muka bertanya, masih nggak menjawab
dua pertanyaannya. Berujung dengan kita berdua ngadain kompetisi adu mata selama sepersekian
menit. “Mau ngajakin renang,” katanya, mengibarkan bendera putih, dia nyerah duluan. Hembusan
nafas frustrasinya terdengar jelas.

Gue beranjak narik buku yang tadi gue letakin dengan sembarang di meja. “Tumben kamu.” Dengan
tangan yang kembali sibuk mencari-cari halaman terakhir yang udah gue baca karena nggak sempat
buat nyelipin bookmark. Gian diam nggak menjawab. Diamnya malah ngebuat gue penasaran. Selalu
seperti itu.

Akhirnya halaman terakhir ketemu, tapi gue mutusin untuk selipin bookmark dan menutup buku
tersebut. Lebih memilih untuk ngasih perhatian ke Gian, kalau nggak dia bakalan ngambek dan nggak
berhenti ngomel.

“Di atas kan? Ya udah, ayo.” Gue berdiri untuk bergegas ke kamar ganti, tapi Gian malah nahan tangan
gue.

“Gak di sini,” cicitnya.

Gue naikin satu alis. “Kalau gitu di mana, Gian?” Gue ngelepas tangannya yang nahan gue. Kemudian
menatap dia dari atas ke bawah. He’s a completely different person physically, but still the same person men-
tally. Gue nggak bisa lagi ngegendong dia, kalau gue maksa mungkin yang ada kita berakhir di rumah
sakit dengan gue terbaring lemah karena patah tulang. Well, itu terlalu lebay.

“Hotel…” cicitnya lagi. Gue nggak bisa dengar nama hotelnya. Tapi, sepertinya gue udah bisa nebak ini
ulah siapa.

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 Gue natap Gian lagi, berusaha untuk mengintimidasi. Jelas banget kalau ini bukan ajakan murni dari
Gian seorang. Pertama, renang itu olahraga kesekian yang bakal dia pilih. Kedua, dia selalu ngajak gue
untuk kulineran dibandingkan olahraga atau main. Tebakan gue yang paling kuat adalah dia disuruh.
Satu nama yang muncul di otak gue.
Janitra.
Kenapa dia? It’s a rhetorical question buat orang yang udah kenal Janitra. Kalau saja ada kompetisi si
paling jahil, udah jelas Janitra yang bawa pialanya pulang. Dari zaman kita semua SD, Janitra itu bocah
terjail yang ada di hidup gue dan mungkin hidup orang-orang sekitar gue. Dia paling suka jailin semua
anak-anak, terutama Gian. Yang gue maksud anak-anak di sini itu adalah gue, Gilang, Maiko, Gian,
dan Nadine. Mungkin karena Gian dijailin pun dia bakalan diam dan cuma senyum doang. Walaupun,
akhirnya dia bakal ngelapor dan ngerengek ke gue.
“Janitra?” Matanya melebar waktu denger pernyataan gue, please it’s obvious Gian.
Hotel itu selalu gue liat di instastory Janitra sehari 3 kali posting, saingan dengan obat-obatan apotik
yang 3 kali sehari diminum. Dia sempet diem, bentar doang, kemudian mengangguk beberapa kali.
Agak aneh melihat dia mau nurutin tingkah Janitra tanpa ngelapor ke gue seperti biasanya. Karena,
walaupun kita jauh. Dia nggak pernah berhenti untuk menelpon gue tiap malamnya dan nyeritain
hari-harinya. Termasuk hari di mana Janitra ngerjain dia.
Gue udah ngomong alasan gue mutusin buat bermalas-malasan dan baca buku belum? Kalau belum,
kalian harus tahu kalau alasannya adalah karena gue lagi liburan dan balik ke Indonesia. Tapi, gue bi-
ngung harus ngabisin waktu gue ngelakuin apa. Akhirnya, gue milih untuk ngebuat misi aneh di atas.
Alasan keduanya adalah karena sebelum balik ke sini, gue sempet nyobain tarot. Katanya sih waktu gue
terlalu gue habisin untuk kerja, kerja, dan kerja. Makanya ngejauhin gue dari orang-orang terdekat.
Dia ngasih tau banyak hal, tapi karena gue nyobain untuk iseng nggak banyak yang tinggal di otak gue.
Hanya ada beberapa aja yang bener-bener ngena.
“Tapi,” lanjutnya. Well, kalau ada kata ‘tapi’ berarti ada beberapa kemungkinan dari kejadian ini. Salah
satu adalah kenyataan bahwa pelakunya bukan cuma Janitra doang dan yang kedua adalah bahwa ini
seharusnya rahasia. Gue nungguin Gian nyelesain kalimatnya, tapi dia terlihat masih berdebat dengan
dirinya sendiri. Debat untuk ngomong atau gak tentang tujuan dari ‘renang’ mereka.
“Mbace boleh duduk dulu gak kalau kamu masih mau diem mulu?” Leher gue rasanya mau patah kare-
na mendongak buat melihat dia. Sejak kapan Gian setinggi ini?
“Ini tuh welcome party buat kamu, Mbace,” katanya dengan satu tarikan nafas, “tapi, jangan ngomong
ke mereka kalau kamu udah tau, please.” Wajahnya memohon. Dia narik tangan gue dengan dua tan-
gannya.
Gotcha.
Kalau tentang welcome party or whatever it is, gue bisa tahu kalau kepalanya adalah Nadine. Throwing
parties for people dearest to her is her hobby. Pernah sekali waktu gue ulang tahun, lupa yang keberapa, dia
ngajakin semuanya untuk ngasih surprise ke gue. Surprisingly, semuanya bener-bener di-manage sama
dia. Makanya gue nggak kaget dia sekarang ada di jalur pekerjaan yang sama. Di antara kita semua
Nadine adalah si bungsu, nggak mengherankan kalau semuanya mau ngikutin kemauan dia. Sejak itu,
semua yang berhubungan dengan party pasti bakalan minta pendapat Nadine.
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Gue ngeiyain permintaan Gian untuk pura-pura kaget seakan gak tau beforehand tentang party ini.
Setelah itu gue dan Gian mutusin untuk langsung berangkat. Gue nyoba buat akting pura-pura kaget,
tapi susah banget. Sorry. Nggak biasa bohong sih. Nggak kaya anak-anak lain yang selalu bawa nama
gue buat izin ke orang tua mereka. Nggak seratus persen bohong, but still, tujuan awal mereka itu
nggak ada gue di dalamnya. Terpaksa nggak terpaksa gue ikut dengan mereka. Sebenernya gue seneng-
seneng aja.
But, if I could choose, I would rather be alone.
—-
“Ini emang rencananya mereka gak ikut jemput akukah?” Kita berdua udah turun dari mobil dan lagi
jalan ke lobby hotel. Beberapa orang mulai melihatin Gian, secara diam-diam dan dengan secara jelas.
Mungkin mereka ngerasa aneh melihat seorang Gian Hadi jalan bareng cewek. Even though, gue cece-
nya. Karena yang tau fakta ini cuma segelintir orang. Lebih tepatnya yang tau muka gue. Karena gue
terlalu lama ngabisin waktu di luar negeri and I’m not active on social media, people don’t usually know
who I am.
“Mbace, nek nakok sing genah gitu lho (Kalo nanya yang bener gitu lho).” Oke. Itu emang pertanyaan
bodoh banget, gue akuin. Tapi, kenapa dia tiba-tiba ngomong dengan Bahasa Surabaya ke gue? Kenapa
juga dia merapatkan badannya ke gue? Misahin jarak yang mungkin hanya satu jari jauhnya. Oh, kay-
aknya gue tau alasannya.
“Siapa sih yang mau dibuat cemburu sama adik aku?” Gian terkejut dan buru-buru malingin wajahnya.
melihat reaksinya ngebuat gue makin semangat untuk godain dia.
“Gak ada tuh,” bantahnya. Tapi, gue bisa melihat jakunnya bergerak ketika dia menelan saliva dengan
keras dan keringat yang muncul di pelipisnya. He’s clearly lying.
“Masih yang dulu?” Gue mancing dia untuk jujur dan namanya juga Gian. Tanpa dia omongin pun,
semua isi pikirannya tertulis jelas di wajahnya.
“Ce, you diem dong.” Panik dan bingungnya Gian mecahin ketawa yang udah gue tahan dari tadi.
Gotcha. Lagi.
I believe that ‘that girl’ is Maiko. Gian udah naksir sama Maiko sejak lama, gue nggak tau pastinya tapi
dia gak pernah serius dekat dengan cewek lain karena dia suka sama Maiko. Nggak. Dia nggak seneng
mainin cewek, karena dari awal gue tahu Gian selalu ngasih tau kondisi dia dan resiko yang bakal
diterima cewek yang mau deketin dia.
Kalau ada yang ngomong 50 siswa yang pernah satu sekolah dengan Maiko 48-nya itu jadiin Maiko se-
bagai cinta pertama, gue akan langsung percaya. Maiko itu cewek yang mudah untuk dicintai, apalagi
disukai. Dia bisa jadi orang paling pendiem yang lo kenal, tapi juga termasuk orang paling cerewet. Dia
bisa ngasih lo kata-kata sehalus mungkin, tapi nyelekit di waktu yang sama. Maiko. Itu Maiko.
Dari semua anak-anak mungkin gue paling deket sama Maiko. Tapi, kalau gue ngomong ini di hada-
pan mereka semua dalam satu ruangan, senyuman cuma akan ada di wajah Maiko seorang. Gue nggak
tau apa faedahnya, tapi mereka seneng dapetin validasi dari gue. Padahal alasannya simple aja, nggak
pernah sehari pun Maiko lupa untuk ngehubungin gue. Dia bakalan selalu ngerecokin gue dengan cer-
ita-cerita tentang harinya. Nadine juga seneng ngehubungin gue, tapi dia jiwanya lebih bebas. Jadi, dia
punya banyak tempat untuk cerita.
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 Gue dan Gian sampai di lobby hotel. “Mbace, kamu mau nunggu di situ gak?” Dia nunjuk satu kursi
terdekat dan nyuruh gue untuk duduk di sana.
“Mau kabur ya?” goda gue.
“Opo sih, mbace? Aku tuh pengen ke toilet.”
“Yo, maaf.”
Gian langsung pergi ninggalin gue sendirian. Nggak sepenuhnya sendiri karena banyak orang berlalu
lalang. Karena bosen dan nggak bawa buku yang tadi lagi gue baca. Akhirnya, gue ngeluarin hape un-
tuk nyari hiburan.
Sofa yang gue duduki tiba-tiba ada pergerakan, nandain ada orang yang mempersiapkan dirinya un-
tuk duduk di sebelah gue. Gue nggak tau kenapa dia milih untuk duduk tepat di samping gue saat ada
banyak sofa lain yang—-oh never mind, ternyata waktu gue sibuk main handphone sofa-sofa kosong
tadi udah ketemu penghuninya.
Di samping gue itu adalah laki-laki tinggi dengan kaos polo biru dongker, and a perfect smile, gue tau
karena dia senyum waktu mergokin gue melihatin dia. Mutusin untuk nggak mengobservasi dia lebih
lanjut dan fokus di hape karena kegep melihatin itu malu-maluin.
Gue emang fokus ke hape, tapi gue bisa denger suara-suara dan rasain pergerakan orang di samping
gue ini. Dia lagi nyisir rambut dengan jari-jarinya. Dia narik hape yang ada di kantongnya. Dia ngang-
kat telepon dari hapenya. “Athena?” Dia manggil nama gue. Wait. Dia manggil nama gue? Manggil
nama gue? Nama gue? Gue? Baru aja gue mau ngerespons, tapi dia keburu lanjutin kalimatnya. “Anak
Joshua Hadi?”
Wait…
Kayaknya ini seru untuk didengerin. Gue tau emang nggak sopan untuk nguping obrolan orang lain,
tapi dia ngomongin gue. Anggep aja ini pengecualian. Karena, gue yakin dia nggak tau kalau orang di
sebelahnya saat ini adalah orang yang lagi dia omongin di telepon.
“Gue gak pernah tau orangnya, but I know that she’s a very private person. Gue sempet kepo, tapi susah
buat nembus privasi dia.” Exactly. “Tapi, pernah liat fotonya sekilas, she’s beautiful indeed.” Hell. Gue ng-
gak tau dengerin orang muji lo di belakang gini rasanya malu banget. Lebih malu dibandingin dengan
orang muji lo di depan mata. Tapi, gue jadi tau kalau dia jujur dengan pujiannya.
“What? She’s out of my league? Shut up, Gilang.” Gilang? Is it the same Gilang that I know? “Then, please hurry
up. Gue juga sibuk, lo ngajak ketemu di sini padahal lo aja belum nyampe. Iya tau lo mau surprisein
Athena Hadi, lo udah ngomong di awal.” Shit. Beneran orang yang sama. Dari kalimatnya sih, dia jan-
jian ketemu sama Gilang di lobby ini. Kalau gue ketemuan sama Gilang, pasti dia tahu kalau gue den-
gerin percakapan dia dan cowok di samping gue. Otomatis surprise yang mereka siapin gagal, walaupun
sebenarnya Gian juga udah bocorin. Tapi, gue nggak mau ngecewain yang lainnya dan juga gue nggak
mau nyia-nyiain waktu gue belajar akting selama di mobil tadi.
“Gue? Gue di lobby? Lo? Oh udah di lobby juga.” Telepon orang di seberang gue terputus bersamaan
dengan langkah kaki seseorang mendekat ke arah kita. Nggak, tepatnya ke gue. Shit. Gue belum sempet
kabur waktu Gilang manggil nama gue.
“Athena?” panggilnya mastiin penglihatan dia masih jelas. Gue nggak ngejawab, tapi dia langsung be-
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ralih ke temannya. “Lo duduk di sebelah cewek ini dari awal telepon kita?” Gue bisa liat wajah cowok
berhidung mancung itu panik. Kayaknya dia cepet nangkep apa yang sedang terjadi saat ini. Dia secara
nggak langsung ngebocorin tentang surprise ke orangnya langsung. Gilang frustrasi, dan cowok biru
dongker–I don’t know his name yet–meminta maaf berulang kali. I feel bad, karena sebelumnya juga gue
udah tau tentang surprise party ini.
Sebenernya gue pengen jelasin, tapi melihat wajah pucat milik cowok biru dongker sangat menyenang-
kan. Well, Gilang masih sama. He’s like a cup of hot chocolate in the winter. You know what I mean. The fact
that he’s talking about me to his friends, nothing changes I guess? Dia bener-bener dingin waktu marah–mim-
ics his dad, I’ve heard from mine–tapi dia teman yang hangat.
Dari semuanya, Gilang paling seneng ngomongin gue ke orang-orang. Nggak itu aja, mau minta izin
pun dia selalu bawa nama gue. “Bareng Athena.” “Ada Athena.” “Athena yang ngajak.” dan blablabla
‘Athena’ lainnya. Jadi, buat dia ngobrolin gue ke temennya adalah bukan hal yang baru buat gue.
Permintaan maaf cowok biru dongker nggak dibales Gilang dan dia memilih untuk nanyain kabar gue.
“Apa kabar?” Why is he acting like we never talk when we’re far away? But, his smile. Senyumnya juga masih
sama. Gian pasti bohong. Bohong waktu bilang Gilang makin dingin, karena dia masih hangat. Gue
bales senyumnya dan ngasih tau kabar gue. “Kali ini gue yang ngacauin surprise lo.” Nggak, Lang. Ada
Gian yang udah ngacauin dari sejam yang lalu.
Oh gue lupa bilang, semua surprise yang dibuat oleh Nadine untuk kita selalu berakhir dengan gagal
karena ada aja yang ngacauin. Paling sering yang ngebocorin itu malah Nadine sendiri. Intinya dia
yang ngerencanain, tapi, dia juga yang ngerusak—not in a bad way—acara itu. Tapi, gue selalu ngerasa
momen-momen ini yang ngedekatin kita semua.
“Gue telpon Nadine aja ya, ngabarin mereka kalau lo udah tau,” kata Gilang. Gue coba untuk berhen-
tiin, tapi gue bener-bener enjoy melihat cowok biru dongker yang dari wajahnya panik sekarang lebih
pucat. Telepon Gilang belum tersambung, tetapi suara teriakan Nadine udah terdengar sangat dekat.
Gue langsung nyari sumber suara dan melihat Gian yang diseret Nadine dan Janitra. Kemudian, Maiko
ngikut di belakang mereka.
“Gue pikir surprise kali ini bisa berhasil. Tapi, ternyata gagal lagi.” Nadine ngomel sepanjang lang-
kahnya ke tempat kita berdiri. Janitra seperti biasa, bagian manas-manasin. Maiko perannya diem aja
ngikutin alur. Gilang dan cowok biru dongker kebingungan. Karena mereka belum ngasih tau kalau
surprise-nya udah ketahuan.
“Gian ngasih tau Ce Athena tentang surprise-nya. Tolong Gian dirujak aja,” kata Nadine. Dia berlari ke
arah gue untuk meluk dan juga nyium. “Welcome, Ce.”
Maiko juga ikut mendekat, tangan kanan gue kali ini ditarik Nadine dan tangan kiri gue ditarik
Maiko. Janitra meluk gue juga ngucapin selamat datang. Sedangkan, Gilang masih berdiri tepat di
samping gue dan nggak lupa ngucapin kata-kata yang pengen dia sampein ke gue.
Gian yang ngerasa terlupakan dan tertinggal mutusin untuk ikut bergabung dan meluk kita semua
dengan tangan panjangnya. Kalau kalian tanya kita malu gak sih di lobby hotel kaya gini? Jawabannya
nggak. Nggak sama sekali. Semenjak, kita beranjak dewasa, momen untuk kumpul bersama kaya gini
bener-bener susah untuk digapai. Apalagi kita ada di bidang kerja yang beda-beda–di tempat yang
berbeda-beda juga. Makanya ada di posisi kaya gini bener-bener kaya anugrah.
Inget gak tentang tarot yang sempet gue omongin? Kalimat yang tinggal di otak gue itu adalah waktu
185
 dia ngomong, “Your happiness is just an inch away, but you’re too focused on one thing that you forget to take
a rest. You also tend to forget the important things in your life. Remember that it’s not a competition, it’s life. So,
take a rest. Just remember that it’s just an inch away.”

Well, I don’t want to take all her words too literally. But, I kinda want to interpret it myself, that what I feel right
now is an inch of happiness, because I want to feel and enjoy it slowly. I don’t want to reach the peak of happiness
too soon. It’ll also come crashing down too fast.

That’s what I think of the moment I saw their smiles and maybe, just maybe, his smile.

186 187
188 189
 Two Days of Indecision, One Minute
Wishing I Was Her
A S TO RY BY N A DI N E

***
DAY 1

“Tapi lo nggak bisa gitu, Gaz.”

“Shua, tell me again ... “

“Lo gila ya, Nil? Nggak akan mungkin.”

Aku mendongak begitu mendengar keributan yang bersumber dari tiga laki-laki yang ten-
gah menarik kursi pada meja yang berada tepat di depanku. Masih pukul tujuh pagi namun mereka
sudah bersitegang dengan membahas entah masalah apa. Melihat dari cara ketiganya berpakaian, aku
pikir mereka seorang pebisnis–sekaligus teman, entahlah, hanya asumsi asalku.

Aku kembali mengangkat sendok guna melahap sereal saat seseorang membentur ujung
mejaku yang membuat pergerakan tanganku ikut bergoyang, menyebabkan sereal pada sendokku
jatuh bebas ke lantai. Untungnya ke lantai, bukan ke piyama yang baru saja kubeli minggu lalu. Aku
memejamkan mata–berusaha menahan emosi, masih terlalu pagi untuk mengumpat pada seseorang,
terlebih seorang laki-laki asing di waktu sarapan.

“Sorry.” Ia meraih sendokku yang tergeletak mengenaskan di ujung kaki meja seberang. “I’m
really sorry.”

Aku mengangguk sebelum mendongak dan mendapati sepasang mata cokelat teduh di sana.
Aku benci kelemahanku satu ini, kelemahan terhadap sorot mata seseorang.

“Gue ambilin sendok baru, sebentar– “

Kalimatnya terputus begitu melihat satu tanganku yang terangkat ke udara, dengan sendok
kecil yang terselip di sela-sela jemariku.

“Alright, sekali lagi sorry ya.”

Aku mengangguk, masih terlalu malas untuk menanggapi manusia ceroboh ketika jam masih
belum menunjukan pukul delapan pagi.

Manusia ceroboh yang menarik.

Laki-laki dengan jeans dan kemeja abu-abu tersebut bergabung dengan tiga orang di meja de-
panku. Perdebatan kembali kudengar saat keempatnya berada di meja yang sama. Aku memutuskan
untuk kembali menikmati sisa sereal di mangkokku.

190 191
 ***
DAY 2
Aku meletakan kuas terakhir di meja kecil sebelah kanvas besarku sembari melipat kedua
tangan di dada dan mengamati satu mata yang berhasil kugambar sejak pukul tiga pagi tadi. Menit
berikutnya alarm pada ponselku berbunyi – normalnya pukul empat pagi adalah waktu terbaik
untuk bangun dan memulai kegiatan, namun aku sudah terlebih dulu terjaga. Tiba-tiba saja kepalaku
penuh dengan ide yang seakan ingin dituangkan melalui goresan warna di kanvas yang sudah jauh-
jauh kubawa dari Jakarta.
Dua minggu lalu, secara impulsif, aku menguras sebagian dari isi tabunganku demi berdiam
diri di salah satu kamar hotel bintang lima di Magelang hanya untuk mendapatkan pemandan-
gan kamar yang langsung tertuju pada megahnya Candi Borobudur. Go where you breathe free, ucap
Ibu saat aku termenung di depan kanvas besar yang sudah tiga hari kubiarkan kosong tanpa noda.
Pikiran aku harus ke sini dan aku harus ke situ demi mendapatkan inspirasi dan menghasilkan se-
buah karya, kadang, terdengar klise bagiku. Namun di antara hari-hari warasku – yang lebih banyak
nggak warasnya – aku memutuskan untuk terbang kembali ke Bali, sebagai harapan terakhir menuju
pameran seni di akhir pekan nanti.
Aku melirik jam pada ponselku, pukul tujuh lebih lima menit. Menimbang-nimbang akan
keputusan untuk turun ke bawah guna menikmati sarapan yang sudah tersedia, kalau beruntung,
melihat sepasang mata yang berhasil membuatku berani bermain dengan warna.
Seperti hari kemarin, aku memilih untuk duduk di meja yang sama.
“It’s okay, Thal.” Aku mendongak dari kursiku dan mendapati satu laki-laki familiar - tentu saja
satu dari keempat laki-laki yang kutemui kemarin, bersama dengan satu perempuan cantik dengan
rambut panjang di sebelahnya. “You’ve got this.”
Aku bukan orang yang religius namun pagi ini aku kembali berterima kasih kepada-Nya bah-
wasanya sosok yang kutunggu kehadirannya belum terlihat batang hidungnya.
“Gue bilang kan tunggu, malah lo tinggal.”
Laki-laki tinggi berambut hitam kelam menghampiri meja disusul dengan perempuan cantik
dengan floral dress yang membungkus tubuhnya. Pasangan tersebut duduk membelakangiku, iya, pas-
angan, aku melihat cincin cantik yang melingkar pada kedua jari manis di tangan kanan mereka.
“Yuk,” Pergerakan tanganku berhenti seketika saat mendengar suara yang sedari tadi kutunggu
wujudnya. “Gazi nunggu di depan sama Kaia.”
Sekuat tenaga aku menahan diri agar nggak mendongak untuk sekedar melirik sang empunya
suara. Namun pertahananku gagal, aku mendongak dan mendapati dirinya yang tengah bersandar
pada meja di belakangnya. Sialnya, pada detik berikutnya sepasang mata tersebut menoleh ke arah-
ku. Dengan buru-buru kutundukkan pandanganku dan kembali pada roti yang tersisa pada piringku.
Sial. Sial. Sial.
***
DAY 3
Lagi, aku terbangun pukul empat dini hari dengan isi kepala yang hampir meledak. Begitu
192
bising hingga aku memutuskan untuk membuka mata dan berdiri di hadapan kanvas, mengamati –
menikmati goresan yang masih belum berubah sedari malam kemarin. Tanganku seketika kaku kala
dihadapkan dengan kuas-kuas serta berbagai macam cat warna yang berserakan di lantai, namun
dini hari ini, aku sudah menggenggam satu kuas dan segala bayangan yang terlintas.
Satu jam berlalu, hanya satu garis yang bertambah di sana.
Dua jam berlalu, hanya satu warna yang bertambah di sana.
Tiga jam berlalu, aku menyerah.
Ponselku bergetar, menampilkan notifikasi pengingat bahwasanya ini hari terakhirku bersem-
bunyi di pulau ini. Dengan gegabah kulempar benda pipih tersebut ke atas tempat tidur secara asal
dan menarik cardigan yang tergantung di lemari sebelum berjalan keluar dari kamar menuju lantai
bawah.
Nggak seperti hari-hari sebelumnya, pagi ini suasana restaurant tempat kami – para pengun-
jung sarapan – dipenuhi wisatawan asing yang jumlahnya tiga kali lipat dari hari kemarin. Aku
mengutuk diri sendiri karena nggak lebih pagi untuk turun dan menikmati waktu sarapanku dengan
damai tanpa keributan yang berasal dari sekumpulan orang asing yang berbicara dengan keras den-
gan bahasanya.
Syukurlah mataku menangkap satu meja dengan tiga kursi kosong di ujung ruangan, aku
segera mengambil satu gelas kopi dan berlari kecil menuju meja tersebut.
“Boleh duduk di sini?” Aku mendongak dan meletakan kopi panasku di meja dengan perlahan
sembari mengangguk pelan. “Thank you.”
Aku sedikit memejamkan mata, berusaha mengendalikan perasaan yang tiba-tiba saja mem-
buncah kehadirannya, seperti aliran listrik yang menjalar pada tubuhku. Dua hari. Dua hari aku
mengutuk diri sendiri akan keraguan untuk hanya sekedar basa basi, bahkan memberanikan diri
untuk melihat dua pasang mata yang kini tersedia cuma-cuma di hadapanku.
“Habis ngelukis?” Aku mendongak seiring dirinya yang menunjuk tanganku yang penuh den-
gan cat dengan dagunya.
Aku mengangguk.
Sialan, mengapa jika sudah dihadapkan dengan sosoknya aku menjadi gagap seketika?
Persetan gengsi. “Nggak sama temen-temennya?”
“I knew it.” Ia terkekeh. “Gue pikir lo nggak sadar kalo gue – “
“Orang yang nyenggol gue kemarin.” Potongku dengan senyum sinis. “Gue tau kok.”
“So,” ia menyingkirkan piring berisi rotinya sebelum menyambar kopi panas miliknya, “an
artist?”
Aku tersenyum pahit. “A painter, to be exact.”
“What’s with the long face?” Kali ini ia yang terkekeh sembari merogoh saku celananya dan
mengeluarkan ponsel miliknya.
193
 Aku mengangkat kedua bahuku acuh. “Demotivated.” “Alright, see you.”

Ia menyeruput kopinya sbelum berucap, “And speaking from experience, it’ll probably get worse.” “Day, gue duluan ya. It’s really nice to meet you.” Ia bangkit dari duduknya. “Good luck for the
painting.”
“I’m aware.” Aku menghela napas kasar. “What do you do in life, Kak?”
Dengan berani kupandangi matanya untuk kali terakhir sebelum sosoknya menghilang dari
“It’s Han.” Ia mengulurkan tangannya. “Hanggara. I’m working at a foundation.” ruangan. Selama ini aku mungkin berpura-pura bahwa aku nggak ingin terikat dengan seseorang
dalam sebuah hubungan, namun nyatanya aku hanya ingin dicintai sebagai mana Hanggara mencin-
Hanggara dalam bahasa jawa berarti hari Selasa. tai kekasihnya–Tasha. Sesederhana itu. Walaupun aku nggak tahu pasti halang rintang apa yang telah
mereka lewati hingga detik ini.
Aku lahir pada hari Selasa.
Aku memutuskan untuk kembali ke kamar hotelku dengan senyum merekah, siap melanjutkan
What a nice coincidence. torehan warna warni pada kanvas yang sudah nggak lagi polos. Satu mata yang semula kugambar kini
memiliki teman lain. Aku nggak tahu jelas bagaimana bentuk mata kekasihnya, yang kutahu pasti
“Dayu.” sama cantiknya seperti namanya.

“Lahirnya hari Minggu ya?” Terlalu tepat sasaran. Aku mengangguk. “My girlfriend was born on Oh, I wish I was her.
Christmas, guess her name.”

Ah, my heart aches.

Aku berpikir sejenak. “Natasha?”

Alih-alih menjawab, justru tawa renyahnya masuk ke runguku.

“Tasha,” Senyumnya merekah. “Just Tasha.”

I remember Naela Ali once said, lucky is to have someone who is proud to have you. Dan aku bisa
merasakan betapa bangganya Hanggara kala menyebut nama kekasihnya.

Aku melipat kedua tangan di atas meja dan memberanikan diri untuk bertanya, “What’s she
like?”

“Tasha is dangerously intelligent.” Satu sudut bibirnya terangkat. “And insanely beautiful.”

Hatiku menghangat membayangkan seberapa menyenangkannya memiliki seseorang yang

begitu bangga terhadap kita, atas apapun yang dilakukan dan diujarkan. Jawaban singkatnya mampu
membuatku iri.

“She’s lucky to have you.”

“It’s the other way around. ” Ia menggeleng. “I’m the one who is lucky to have her.”

As he should.

“Tadi lo tanya temen gue kemana ya? Mereka udah balik ke Jakarta malam ta – “

Ponselnya berdering.

“Udah sampai?”

“Lagi breakfast.”

194 195
196 197
 First Love/Late Spring
A S T O RY B Y VA L E R I E

N athan Derek Hadi was never much of a talker, but that is exactly why I fell for him.

He was simple and kind and quiet and, among other things, a good listener. I like to talk and shout
and scream and proclaim things no one ever asked to hear. In hindsight, that would’ve made us
a contrast, a clash of two personalities that shouldn’t and couldn’t be paired. But if you try hard
enough, I guess some lacks here and there are meant to be filled.

So where the conversation is usually filled with silence, I filled it with stories of how my day went.
When Nathan couldn’t manage a word out of his mouth about his feelings, I tried to read him.

Does it get stressful? Yes. Very, very much. As much as I try, no human being is born with a
mind-reading ability, much less compassion and understanding as big as the universe. I have cried,
wailed in frustration when I couldn’t get what it is in his head that had him so… closed off. So hard
to reach. So cold to warp in love’s warmth.

I roughly know why. You wouldn’t believe in love when the first one you were supposed to learn
from in this world messed your perception already. His parent’s–I wouldn’t call it a good experience
for anyone to see, ever. But I just wish he would know that things can be different. You are not your
parents, you are just their child.

Nathan hated me at first. Not really a true hatred. He just didn’t know what to do with a victim
inside a toxic relationship that desperately needed saving even though I was practically begging for it
to his face. On one hand, he didn’t want to get his hand dirty by reaching out to help, but on anoth-
er, he knew it was the right thing to do. At the end, I helped him decide by pulling myself out of the
gutter and then asking his help on just the aftermath.

That was when we clicked. He gets me, I get him, in most parts.

We met at fifteen. Two Indonesians moved to London years back in search of a new home. That
nationality status alone gave us something to bond over, little talks here and there in our mother
tongue, pronunciation so white-washed that we laughed over it and had my ex-boyfriend jealous
because he thought we were flirting.

I denied it then.

As I got to know Nathan more while being in a few shared classes for almost two years, I realized
that my ex-boyfriend was right. Maybe there was a little bit of flirting thrown in there, a sweet feel-
ing growing that then made me realize I was sick of the shitty story I’m wovening when I could be
making a more beautiful piece with another person.

I was a douchebag for it. For falling in love with someone else when I was in a relationship. A terri-

198 199
 ble relationship, but still something that had me in a commitment regardless. Nathan didn’t ac-
knowledge my feelings when I confessed to him at seventeen. I managed to read his thoughts at that
time.
“Kamu takut.” A bold accusation.
“No,” a clear denial. “Why would I be?”
“You are scared, Nathan,” I said, voice like a mother talking to her son. My explanation got stuck in
my throat because I knew my next words would hurt. I knew it would hurt him and then me, be-
cause whenever he is hurt, I would be, too.
There was demand in his voice, eager to know what made me so sure. “Of what?”
“Of the idea of us,” pity tainted my answer. “Because this is familiar, isn’t it?”
His thick brows furrowed, meeting each other on top of his prominent nose’s end. I could tell my
words insulted him, and that had me scared to continue. It was only going to be worse if I did. “Fa-
miliar in what way?”
At last, he sounded hurt. Like the meaning of my words, although yet to be said, finally sank in him.
We are just like his parents. Love blooming where it is forbidden, bound and destined to crash.
“Maybe we shouldn’t continue this conversation,” I cut the sharp silence with a final tone.
After that night at his apartment–a comfortable place with big windows overlooking old buildings
on the fourth floor, we stopped talking. We don’t discuss news of what is happening in Indonesia
anymore. Our seats became so far apart, me in the back and him at the front, so focused like the days
before we knew each other’s existence.
It was two weeks before his eighteenth birthday that we finally started talking again. He knocked on
my house’s door. My mom opened it for him, welcoming with a big smile and a warm hug because,
as she said, ‘kemana aja, Nathan? Selama ini enggak pernah mampir lagi?’. I never had the heart to tell
my mother that I was the one who broke our friendship with my stupid confession and pushed him
away.
Rather than prompting my mother to ask him more questions that he clearly didn’t have energy to
answer–Nathan looked miserable that day, I had him sitting on the second step of my front door’s
stairs, with me sitting on the first one right behind him. I couldn’t see his face, just locks of his black
hair, natural color back after he once dyed it into a bright brunette because of some childish truth or
dare in freshman year. He had broad shoulders and although I was sitting in a higher position than
he did, he still slightly towered over me.
Nathan began his story after we sat in silence for minutes long, just watching my neighbor’s cars
passing by. “My mom wants a grand birthday party for me and Natalie.”
Natalie; his twin sister that I’ve only met once. Accidentally, too, when she stayed over in Nathan’s
apartment and got out of the guest bedroom to grab a drink while I was sitting on the living room’s
couch. Even of someone he doesn’t despise nor avoid with ‘Hadi’ as their last name, Nathan doesn’t
ever want to talk nor introduce me to them.
200
I focused back to reality with a blink. “Oh, right. You’re turning eighteen soon.”
He turned ever so slightly, just enough for me to see his long lashes and the end of his pointy nose as
well as his lips’ cupid bow, but not his whole face. “Gak inget, ya?”
It’s strange to hear Indonesian coming from him after so long. I had to refocus in order to compre-
hend what he said. “Inget.”
“Doesn’t sound like you do.”
Nathan had turned back his gaze to the house right in front of us, mirroring mine. A pretty strong
wind passed through and swept some dry leaves off the sidewalk, autumn’s first breeze barely greet-
ing as a sneak peek of the upcoming season. “I do. I just didn’t know whether or not I’ll get to wish
you directly this year, like on your seventeenth or your sixteenth.”
He snorted. Bold move, considering the tension was intense. “Because we weren’t talking?”
“Because we weren’t talking.” I repeated his guess as a confirmation.
“Harusnya tetep ucapin.”
“Will I be invited?” Pulling a grenade’s safety clip off, I asked him a stupid question, one I knew the
answer to. No.
“No,” Nathan voiced the word inside my head, loud and clear with no presence of hesitation.
This time, it was my turn to snort. “I knew it.”
“I don’t want a celebration anyway,” he said bitterly as soon as he heard my answer. “It wouldn’t mat-
ter whether or not you’re invited when I don’t want a celebration in the first place.”
“Of course it wouldn’t matter to you,” I extended my leg to step on a dry leaf on my porch’s stair, the
crunch resonating with the way my heart felt like it was going to burst and my throat felt like it was
being tied up. “How I feel, to you, doesn't ever matter, Nath.”
He didn’t even turn his head, didn’t even bother to try comforting me when answering. “Not that
again.”
“Why did you come here?”
“I don’t know where else to go. My mom is coming to my apartment tonight to talk about the party.”
“Sucks for you,” I tried to make my voice sound light, but the voice embarrassingly cracked at its last
syllables. I care so deeply for this man, yet not the other way around.
“She’s expecting my dad to come. And Nanda.” He continued. “Nat’s not on board, but she’s less…
resilient with the idea.”
This is the most he had talked about his family to me, and that had the hairs on the back of my neck
stand up. I always knew Nathan came from an influential family because his name showed up on the
google result as a fucking suggestion even though I had only inserted the first letter of his middle
name, but I never tried to dig in about his family matters. I always waited for him to speak of it,
201
 though it seems that in the past two years, all that waiting was a waste. “Why do you not want it?” I nodded. “It’s okay. I get it. I’m sorry, from me, and for you.”

“Not something important to celebrate,” Nathan did the same thing I did with the leaf near his leg,
making a louder crunch with his long leg’s strength. “And we’re not exactly a functional family to be
having birthday celebrations like it’s going to be fun.”
“It wouldn’t hurt to try.”
He glanced just a bit, asking what I meant without words.
“I’m sorry for being selfish and pushing my feelings on you,” I took advantage of our tangled hands to
send my genuineness. “And I’m sorry for you, because you had to grow up with that kind of percep-
tion on love.”

“It would.” Nathan was shaking when he inhaled a deep breath.

Fair. I didn’t try to counter him anymore. I didn’t want to say the wrong thing and ruin his weird As I took away my hands, I smiled. “Happy two weeks away from becoming a legal adult under the
effort to make amends between us by visiting this evening. law, Nath. Beat you to it a month ago.”

After a long minute, I spoke again. “Why can’t you just tell her no?” He turned his head so fast, I was scared he was going to break his neck.

“It’s not that easy.” I threw back the words he said half an hour ago. “Nggak inget, ya?”

I shrugged. “It’s easy for you to say that to me.”
For the first time, Nathan turned his head in disbelief, and eventually stood up, towering over me so
tall. The summer sun in the west had started to set behind him, casting a long shadow upon me. It
was hard to tell his expression since he stood against the light, but I knew tears when I saw one. “Can
you stop being so selfish and making this about you?”
“I don’t know,” I folded my arms over my chest, not showing how scared I am despite the fast beating
of my heart against my ribcage. “Can you?”
“If you never confessed, we wouldn’t ever be like this. We would’ve still been good friends. You
shouldn’t’ve fallen in love with me in the first place, when you’ve always known how I feel about
love, relationships, and all that bullshit.” That was the most I have heard him say today. All the time
I’ve known him, even. “You were in a relationship. Am I supposed to just accept how you feel to me
when I saw what happened to my mom just because some asshole fell in love with her while he was
still married to another woman? We wouldn’t ever work out. You knew that.”
It was tellable that he felt bad, but didn’t know how to express it. He looked like a tall child who is
so confused on what he should do in facing life, and my heart ached for him.
“You’re good at saying no. You’ll manage with your family.” Leaving him on my doorstep, I waved my
hand. “Take care.”
That was the last time I ever talked to Nathan Derek Hadi. Until the gust of autumn’s wind ended
and snow took over my sidewalk to bury the dried leaves, he never once knocked on my door again.
Spring came and so did the acceptance letters from university. I wonder where he got in. Somewhere
faraway, maybe. Trying to escape even further from his last name. He never told me where he wanted
to go. He never told me what he wanted, more like it. Maybe he had wanted me, too, but never said
it.
Nathan Derek Hadi was never much of a talker in the first place.

I tried to find my voice, but it just wasn’t there. My mind reeled to analyze his face, his tone, his
thoughts. For once, I was the quiet one while he was the hysterical one in our conversation.

“I’m seventeen, and I’ve never had any experience with love. You–you were the closest thing–” he
stopped, one hand on his hip and the other rubbing his face in frustration. Nathan Derek Hadi
groaned and then turned his back on me again.

I stood up, nodding my head regardless or not Nathan could see it. Bracing myself, I walked to stand
next to him, tangling my hands on the one he rested on his hip. He didn’t budge, and he also didn’t
look at me. Instead, he turned his head away from where I was standing on his left.

At 183 centimeters, I only reached his chest, barely gracing his shoulders. “You do love me back, do
you?”

Nathan sighed, his strong shoulders dropping. I contemplated leaning my head on it, but I didn’t
want to push him further than the ledge he’s already on. “Don’t say that.”

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 Brick by Brick
A S T O RY B Y VA L E R I E

S he was 6 – when her mother received a call from the school, telling her to meet the dean for a
stunt her child pulled at just 9 AM in the morning. Class barely even started and a young little
Thalia was straddling a classmate of hers on the ground in the hallway, with her tiny fists curled into
a ball, repeatedly punching his chest as she repeatedly chanted, “Say sorry now!” A pretty aggressive
approach for sure. To be fair, they were being mean to Mardan first, calling him names and pushing
him around. Thalia wished she felt a sense of guilt for her actions, but she was simply doing what
her mom always told her to, “Kalo kamu lihat orang ngelakuin something wrong Thal, kamu musti bisa
stand up for what’s right ya.”

***

She was 10 – when she felt her defensiveness turn into fondness for the first time. All for a boy
whom she was assigned to sit next to in fifth grade. His name was Jethro, or ‘Jet’ as the kids called
him. She’d heard of him before, but never vice versa. He was the boy in their grade that everyone
seemed to love, always passing the halls with a toothy grin and a waving hand. On the contrary,
Thalia was always the kid people were too scared or weirded out to approach, known for only speak-
ing in class when she had a snarky remark to say or when she called out a mistake the teacher was
making.

Besides Mardan and Julian, Thalia was only friends with five other girls at most, so when the boy
next to her tried to spark up conversations and crack jokes with her, she couldn’t help but get
shocked that someone actually wanted to get to know her. Thalia thought the boy was annoying at
first, but his constant attempts to make her relax a little during class made her soften up to the kid.
***

She was 12 – when she got her heart broken for the first time, who would’ve thought tough lil’ Thalia
would face rejection after getting the courage to confess to her crush of two years. Yes, she was the
one who asked him out.

‘I like talking to you,’ the first note she passed to him said.

‘Me too :)’ he passed back.

‘But like more than a friend?’ She wrote shakily, it was one of the rare times where she didn’t feel
certain about something she’s going to do. Before she could think twice, she nonchalantly passed the
note back.

She heard a snicker from her side. Now, that wasn’t one of the possible reactions she was mentally
preparing herself for. She slowly turned her head to the side and saw the boy next to her holding in a
laugh reading a note. Did she write down something completely different to what she was thinking?
Why is he laughing?“Guys, look!” he said in between laughs as he called for the rest of the boys in the
class to come look at the note they were passing through, “Thalia has a crush on me!”

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The rest of the boys started passing the note around as they cackled, finding amusement that odd lit-
tle Thalia really thought she had the chance to be ‘a thing’ with the grade’s resident heartthrob. That
marked the first time, ever, that Thalia cried in a room that wasn’t her own, for she never felt such a
big amount of shame rushing through her body.
The same night, as she laid in bed muffling her cries into her pillow, she couldn’t help but think, “Am
I that unlovable for people to laugh at the thought of being with me?”
***
12 – was also the age tough-little-Thalia had lost all her so-called friends, thanks to a misunderstand-
ing her friend blew out of proportions. Like every other middle school drama, the problem started
out as a miniscule one when Thalia told her friend, Nicole, that she should stop caring so much
about what other people think, which she translated to the other girls in her group as, “Thalia itu fake
banget sih, she kemaren says she doesn’t care about me or any of our problems you know.”
She never realized she said something so controversial, and she wasn’t sure what other fuel was added
to the fire. Until a few weeks after, when Mardan and Julian were off to another school for competi-
tions, and Thalia decided to go with the girls for lunch, they all left the table the moment she placed
her tray down. The same happened throughout the week, and that’s when she realized that she wasn’t
seen as a friend of theirs anymore. She was eternally grateful for Mardan and Julian, who came over
and cheered her up on the weekend. It was then that she had the epiphany that she never really need-
ed other people to feel a sense of company.
***
She was 14 – when talks of college started to come into conversation, and the far future suddenly
didn’t seem too distant at all. She imagined herself as many things, a CEO to a makeup company, an
editor in chief at a high-end magazine, a proud owner of a five star restaurant, to mention some. One
thing her daydreams had in common was that she was always the person taking the lead. Her mother
was happy to see her beloved daughter dreaming big, knowing that she had all the potential to make
these dreams a reality.
Her father, however, wished his little princess would just listen to him and take the safe route, which
meant carrying on daddy’s business. Honestly, not a bad idea at all, but the young girl knew she
wanted to be something of her own. She knew at fourteen that she wanted to make a name for her-
self, and she was too smart to have a success that was handed to her on a silver spoon. The easy way
would be a road that would guarantee her much less conflict and yelling between her and her father,
but is it really a Thalia story if she didn’t put up a fight?
***
She was 16 - when she heard her own family fantasizing about her future, and judging from the
“When she’s” and “What if”s” they spoke of, they were hoping she had a gloomy one. They were at a
dinner with her mom’s side of the family. To her, these people are just ‘family’ by title. The last time
they’ve had an actual conversation with Thalia was when she was six, and pretty sure some of them
just called her Tania.
They were sitting at a large round table for 12 in a private room of a Chinese restaurant when sud-
denly she heard, “Thalia jadinya gimana nih? Kuliah ambil apa? What’s the goal after that Thal?” She
answered by telling them about her plans to study at a business school abroad, maybe even an ivy
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league, which she will then continue with building up a solid resume and savings. After a few years
of building her career and reputation, she hoped she’d be able to build some foundation that would
allow her to help others in need.
“Emang ya anaknya Winarko Halim, pasti deh pinter, ambisius pula,” said one of the aunts.
“Tapi ya kamu tuh harusnya gak usah mikir keras-keras tau,” said another, “Nanti susah loh cari cowo, sama
berkeluarga, kalo kamunya terlalu sukses! Sayang tau kamu udah cantik-cantik gini tapi gak ada cowok yang
mau sama kamu, cowo-cowo malah minder sama kamu.”
Thalia never understood that concept ingrained to the older generation’s minds, she could never
imagine limiting her potential in the name of ‘love’. To her, is it really love if you won’t let her live to
the fullest?
As the dinner wrapped up and they started to part ways from the restaurant, Thalia went to the
bathroom one last time before heading home with her parents. As she was in the cubicle, she heard
familiar voices chattering by the mirrors, “Dia paling ngomong gitu karena di depan keluarga besar gak
sih?” said one of them.
“Ya iyalah, paling juga waktu besaran sedikit kerjaannya ngabisin uang papi doang.”
“Nanti juga kalo tiga bulan ga dapet kerja paling minta bantuan papi lagi.”
“Yang bener aja dia mau menata karir bikin foundation gitu, mana bisa dia susah gitu orang dari kecil udah
hidup enak.”
As the sound of their heels started to disappear, she finally unlocked the cubicle and stepped out-
side. She stood still in front of the mirror to collect herself and process. Thalia herself wouldn’t call
her extended family her support system, yet she wasn’t aware that they didn’t see her in such a lowly
way. Despite how unattached she was to these people, anyone who had to hear those things being
said about themselves would naturally be hurt. She’s already had plenty of arguments with her father
regarding her plans in the future, and it doesn’t get any better hearing others talk this way about her.
This moment helped her conclude that she had to embrace her passion and intelligence, because if
she doesn’t believe in herself, who will?
***
She was 17 – with a freshly wounded heart, both from her loverboy and her father, when she forced
herself to focus on college. She swore she had self control yet there she was again, going soft for
another boy she was assigned to sit next to. She told herself Noah was different, Noah was going to
bring some good into her life, and maybe Noah will prove her wrong that maybe romance could be
beneficial. But despite all the time they’ve spent inside and outside of class, she was proven wrong
when he started going to Thalia for advice on how to ask out a close friend of Thalia.
If her faith in men was already bad, things at home weren’t helping it get any better. As her college
application deadlines drew near, the tension back home grew higher. Thalia’s choices for the future
weren’t radical ones, so she couldn’t seem to understand why her father made such a big deal about
the decisions she’s aiming to make. However, the real core reason behind their cold war was the fact
that both of them were on two ends of the same spectrum regarding Thalia’s involvement in carrying
on her father’s legacy. Being able to be an heir to a family business might be the dream to some, but
to Thalia, being able to say her success came from her own effort and that her name gained respect
for her own doings meant much more to her. And she swore to herself that she could never find true
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 peace until the first Halim from Surabaya that came to people’s mind was “Thalia” and not him.
***
She was 18 – when she made the move. She won’t ever say it out loud, but she did feel upset at how
she left home on a tense note with her parents. Although it did feel lonely that she never really got a
wholesome farewell with her family, she was thankful her two guardian angels were always with her
in every step of the move.
The first semester of college was alright. She was able to gain some new friends, take the classes she
wanted to, visit Mardan and Julian every now and then, overall it was pretty satisfactory. She’s had
her try of college parties and nights out for the sake of being her friends’ sober companion, but per-
sonally that lifestyle wasn’t for her, so hyper fixating on her studies was the way to go about it. And
before she knew it, she started her career as an intern for KPMG.
***
She was 19 – when she decided that although long-winded-romance might not be for her, men are
still an alright distraction. It was getting lonesome watching her friends having relationships left and
right, but whenever she tried (she really did) to get close to someone, she just couldn’t seem to feel
anything. Maybe something’s wrong with her. Or maybe she’s doing this entire boys thing wrong.
And here comes Kai, with his shaggy black hair and baggy jeans, waltzing into the common living
space to search for hot water for his homemade coffee. This was the type of boy she knew she should
stir away from, but before she knew it he was trapped under her spell. Kai adored her, thinking of
her as the epitome of a smart and strong, twenty-first century woman. He worshiped the ground her
Dior slingbacks stomped on and would do anything to see her smile. He’d create a twenty-fifth hour
if that meant Thalia could get some time to relax and rest from the burdens of working while study-
ing. But all this time, she felt nothing. As days turned to months, she did have a bit of guilt in her
for not reciprocating the same energy to the boy, yet the opposing voice inside her reminded her she
owes him nothing.
Until one day Kai broke the news to her that he’d have to move back to Japan in three weeks, some-
thing about his dad wanting him to look after his company as his father started to feel himself
getting old. Thalia, out of everyone, understood how tough the pressure from a father could be, so
she did nothing to stop him and simply wished him good luck on their last lunch together, which
was a problem itself in his eyes. Perhaps the lack of don’t-go-back-just-stay-here-with-me was what
made him realize that she meant more to him than he was to her. And so he decided to leave, with-
out a single trace, without a single goodbye. And if it wasn’t for mutual friends, Thalia wouldn’t have
realized that he was already on his flight, yet it’s been a week since his last text. He had the last move.
***
She was 23 – when she started receiving both beckoning calls to come back home and wedding
invites from the girls she went to school with. Has time flown by that fast? She swore she just left
Soetta a few weeks ago. As she took a short trip back home, she was glad to catch up with her friends
who were now off being the main characters in their own stories all across the globe.
It’s insane to think of how the people you were copying homework from were now planning their
weddings and entering their second trimester, but for Thalia, all that settling down stuff was still
miles away from her. After all, she was just getting started. As their lunch topic conversation goes
from catching up to deciding what concept their pre-wedding photos should be, Thalia can’t help but
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zone out from disinterest, which served as a reminder to herself that she was still the odd one out of
the bunch who never seemed to be on the same bubble as them. Perhaps times have surely changed,
but she thankfully hasn’t.
***
She was 25 – when she thought life could only get worse. To have your own mother tell you your fa-
ther has been having an affair with someone else right as she does her chemotherapy is another level
of heartbreak that Thalia wouldn’t ever wish on anyone, even her worst enemies. The day she found
out, she stomped back home to find her dad eating in their dining room like an innocent man. She
pulled his chair back from the table and grabbed him by the collar, shaking him.
“Bisa-bisanya orang se-gak punya hati, se-gak punya akhlak, hidup se-santai ini,” Thalia yelled at him.
Her eyes started tearing up as she yelled, while she unconsciously started shaking the fifty-something
year old man more aggressively, “How the fuck. Ada orang bisa. Ngeliat belahan jiwa mereka. Fighting
their life against cancer. Terus malah diselingkuhin.”
“Kalo anak papa di gituin sama suami sendiri, apa papa gak marah?!” She screamed shakily, “Bisa bisanya
papa yang Thalia tau bisa jadi orang brengsek seperti ini ke mama!”
Her palm harshly met his cheek as she yelled her mom’s name, and after a few seconds, her mom and
their housekeeper pulled Thalia back before she fell down to her knees. Her burst of anger was then
followed with a confrontation, but not the kind she expected. The mother she was furious about be-
ing wronged, was the one telling Thalia to apologize and forgive her father. The only words her brain
could form was “what the fuck?”
She then trashed all the clothing she could fit into a suitcase and duffel bag and ran away to Mar-
dan’s, where she sobbed her eyes dry in front of her two guardian angels. The entire situation left her
in disbelief, what happened to the mother that continuously told her to stand up for herself?
***
She was almost 26 – when she found her new home. After spending the year jumping back and
forth cities whilst working in a semi-remote environment, she has decided to reside in Bali, which of
course happened to be the home of her two guardian angels. Every night of her first few months on
the island, she spent it with teary eyes. No one has to know, not even Mardan and Julian.
She missed her mother. Thalia wanted to be there for every step of her struggle and tell her that she’ll
always be there for her. But a year has passed since the discovery, yet every time she looked into her
mother’s eyes the only thing she felt were rage and vengeance bubbling inside her, not out of hatred,
but out of her sincere yet selfish love that wanted better for her mother. Under that layer of rage,
however, is a tinge of fear she won’t acknowledge, a fear that she will let herself fall in love and com-
mit to a man, live and go through life with him for multiple decades, only to be stabbed in the heart
by the said man as he twists and turns the blade inside her heart all while she’s strapped to an IV all
bound in a hospital bed.
***
As she turned 28 – she could finally let herself breathe a little. It took her one weekend alone ad-
miring the cityscape of Jakarta from the high-floor room she was staying in to realize that she /
had/ done well. She can be proud of herself. At this age, people started questioning her decisions.
She found this strange. Although it stopped angering and irking her, she will always find it strange.
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 When she was younger, every teacher and every parent was telling their kids to ‘chase their dreams’
and ‘fight for your future’. Now that these kids are all grown up and doing the said dream-chasing,
all they get are questions about when they will stop.
Receiving wedding invites or gender reveals or baby showers at 28 invites became a weekly thing,
and like the questions, these invites brought her more dread (since she can’t be bothered to spend
her rare work-free days celebrating someone else) than jealousy. Every time she attended an eventIt’s
inevitable for her to get asked when it is Thalia’s turn, and she gave them the same answer, “I can’t
imagine that for me yet.” Which is most often followed up with a puzzled look that comes out from
reflex but then quickly covered by a fake smile nodding along. She also found this strange, is it such a
crime to only imagine a life where one lives only for themselves in mind?
***
“Sabrina’s friend too, we met in Bali a few years back, she used to work with me.”
“Oh, cool,” he said, too scared to ask further in fear of sounding invasive.
“Lo kenal Sabrina dari mana?” she continued the interrogation.
“Columbia,” he replied, this time short and snappy.
Thalia nodded along, maybe she should stop asking. She recalled Sabrina telling her about her life in
Columbia, yet she never remembered him mentioning having a friend like this one beside her, until
it clicked. She then turned sidewards slightly, confidently leaning against the glass, knowing she had
the upper hand.

She was 29 – when she got a flashback of her days in college after an invitation from a familiar name “Are you Joshua?”
landed on her doorstep. “You are duly invited to the wedding of: Alan and Sabrina,” she read out loud.
Now, that’s a name she hadn’t heard of in a while. Usually, she’d think twice about saying yes to a
long-winded wedding ceremony that even required her to travel back and forth, but with all the
stress and frustration work had been giving her, it could always double as a little vacation and a little
me-time.

As weeks passed and the preparation for the grand wedding drew near, Thalia found herself in a
rooftop bar at one of the hottest areas of central Jakarta. Parties like these were always a reminder of
how she could never be the type of person to be the life of the party. The small talks and fake giggles
felt suffocating, so she decided to take a breather and stepped outside to the outdoor area. When she
looked around and noticed that she finally had a spot completely to herself, she plugged one airpod
in one ear and played her ‘Chilling Out’ playlist as she leaned and admired the view of the capital
city from the spot. It was nice, just standing and staring. She wishes she had more chances to do this
without the context of a crowded party filled with the elite class.

Just as she was letting the peace settle, she heard footsteps approaching the other end of the balcony
she was escaping in. The stranger, who she now makes out to be a man, stood a few feet beside her
and started fumbling his pockets looking for something, doing all this as if Thalia wasn’t even in the
room right next to him.

“Damn, is this smoking spot taken?” Thalia joked, trying to get a reaction, a response, anything.

“I don’t smoke,” the man choked out. His accent caught her off-guard. For a man dressed up so sharp,
poised and uptight-ly, his voice was soft and gentle.

“You’re too old to be vaping, isn’t that supposed to be a teens-only activity?” She hoffed, finding it
amusing a man her age was pulling out such a gadget.

“I’m trying to quit smoking,” he answered curtly.

“How’s that working for you?” She asked, as she tugs a strand of astray hair behind her right ear.

“Still in progress.”

“Lo temennya Alan?” She continued, trying to investigate her new social experiment.

“Engga, gue temennya Sabrina,” he replied, “you?”

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 Krama Ingkang Dipunrestu
A S TO RY BY Z O E

“B udaya di keluarga itu nggak boleh luntur, Nduk. Maka dari itu, harus cari pasangan yang latar
belakangnya sama, juga biar bisa saling mengerti.”

Wejangan itu sudah tertancap di pikiran Kaia sejak kecil. Di keluarga Jawa, kebudayaan dan tradisi
memang dijunjung tinggi. Setiap perilaku manusia di Jawa memiliki filosofinya sendiri. Kaia ingat
sekali, sewaktu masih duduk di bangku sekolah dasar, dia sempat bertanya tentang sebuah kata yang
tidak sengaja menarik perhatiannya, yaitu: Pucung.

“Pak, Tembang Pucung itu apa? Kenapa namanya mirip pocong?” Kaia bertanya penuh rasa penasa-
ran.

Ayah Kaia tersenyum dan membalas pertanyaan anaknya. “Pucung itu, ya, memang pocong. Pucung
itu bagian dari Tembang Macapat yang merupakan puisi bahasa Jawa. Jadi, Tembang Macapat itu
ada sebelas, menyimbolkan tahapan kehidupan manusia.”

“Apa aja, Pak?”

“Yang pertama ada Maskumambang, filosofinya adalah tentang manusia saat masih di alam roh dan
nantinya ditanamkan ke dalam rahim seorang ibu. Kedua ada Mijil, Mijil itu singkatnya lahir atau
mbrojol. Ketiga, ada Sinom–”

Sebelum sang ayah sempat menyelesaikan kalimatnya, Kaia dengan bersemangat berseru, “Namanya
mirip jamu!”

“Nah, sekarang tak tanya, Sinom itu menurut Kaia rasanya bagaimana, Nduk?”

“Manis, sih, Pak.” balas Kaia singkat.

“Baik, berarti kita sepakat, ya, bahwa rasa jamu sinom itu manis. Sama seperti jamu sinom, Tembang
Sinom menceritakan tentang masa muda yang indah dan manis.” jelas aya Kaia, satu persatu jarinya
ia buka dari genggaman sebagai tanda, sudah berapa macam tembang macapat yang ia jelaskan.

“Terus-terus, Pak?”

“Tadi sudah sampai berapa?” tanya ayah Kaia kepada Kaia, mungkin karena faktor umur, daya ingat-
nya sudah tidak sebaik dulu.

“Tiga, Pak. Sekarang yang keempat.” dengan manisnya Kaia menjawab pertanyaan ayahnya itu.

Ayah Kaia mengubah posisi duduknya agar lebih nyaman karena ia tahu bahwa edukasi mengenai
budaya ini harus digalakkan sedini mungkin. Bagi ayah Kaia, budaya bukanlah sesuatu yang main-
main, budaya adalah identitas, dan untuk menjadi seorang individu yang berbudi, kita harus men-

216 217
 genal latar belakang kita.
“Keempat itu ada Tembang Kinanthi yang diambil dari kata kanthi. Kaia tahu apa artinya kanthi,
Nduk?” ayah Kaia memastikan proses pembelajaran ini belajar secara dua arah.
“Nggak tahu, Pak.” balas Kaia sambil menggeleng.
“Kanthi itu artinya tuntun atau bimbing. Di dalam hidup ini, semakin kita beranjak dewasa, sema-
kin kita membutuhkan tuntunan dan bimbingan dari orang di sekitar kita untuk menuju jalan yang
benar.”
Kaia mengangguk-angguk mendengar penjelasan ayahnya, di otak kecilnya itu ia berpikir bahwa
ternyata budaya Jawa ini sangat dekat dengan lingkaran kehidupan seseorang. Mulai dari kelahiran,
sampai pada kematian, semuanya sudah memiliki filosofinya masing-masing. Kaia sungguh takjub
dengan magisnya budaya Jawa, ia merasa sangat beruntung lahir di keluarga yang masih sangat lekat
dengan budayanya.
Sampai akhirnya ia bertemu dengan seorang pemuda yang berhasil menawan hatinya, Gazi Radha-
na. Gazi adalah seorang laki-laki jangkung, garis rahangnya tajam, bibirnya tidak terlalu tipis pula
tidak terlalu tebal, sempurna. Tuhan benar-benar meluangkan waktu dan konsentrasinya saat Ia
mendesain rupa manusia satu ini. Tidak hanya itu, Kaia jatuh cinta dengan keanehan Gazi, dengan
obsesinya dengan salah satu selebriti Twitter aneh yang biasa dijuluki “Willy The Kid”, dengan segala
kecantikan Gazi yang berhasil membuat hidup Kaia jauh lebih berwarna. Satu-satunya kekurangan
yang dimiliki Gazi adalah fakta bahwa ia tak memiliki latar belakang yang sama seperti Kaia. Dan
ini adalah kali pertama Kaia merasa menyesal terlahir di keluarga yang terlalu menjunjung tinggi
budayanya, yang mewajibkan anaknya untuk menikah dengan orang yang berasal dari ras yang sama.
Dalam budaya Jawa, restu adalah hal yang sangat sakral. Bahkan, budaya Jawa memiliki ritual
tersendiri untuk meminta doa dan restu, dengan adanya restu–terutama restu ibu–langkah kita
dalam hidup akan jauh lebih mantap, karena apa yang kita lakukan seiringan dengan restu dan doa
ibu. Kaia sendiri pun tahu apa resikonya jika ia tetap menjalankan hubungan dengan Gazi, walau-
pun tanpa restu dari kerabatnya. Ia bukannya ingin melawan adat atau keluarganya sendiri, ia hanya
berusaha meyakinkan keluarganya bahwa perbedaan latar belakang tidak akan menjadi masalah
yang besar jika bisa saling sama-sama mengerti dan menghormati. Lagi-lagi, Kaia yakin bahwa titik
toleransi tertinggi adalah cinta. Ia dan Gazi saling mencintai, itulah alasan mengapa mereka bisa me-
nerima satu sama lain. Kaia dan keluarganya juga saling mencintai, maka ia hidup dalam keyakinan
bahwa suatu saat nanti, keluarganya pasti juga dapat menerima Gazi seperti bagaimana ia menerima
Gazi.
***
B AG I A N I : A L O N - A L O N WATO N K E L A KO N
Mengetahui bahwa hubungan yang selama ini dibangun ternyata tidak direstui oleh keluarga pas-
angan bukanlah suatu hal yang mudah untuk diterima. Malam itu, Gazi benar-benar tidak bisa tidur,
kepalanya bising sekali memikirkan segala probabilitas tentang masa depan hubungannya.
“Bagaimana keadaan Kaia sekarang? Apakah keputusan yang akan diambil oleh Kaia? Apakah Kaia
akan memutuskan hubungan mereka?”
Pertanyaan-pertanyaan itu terus datang ke kepala Gazi tanpa henti, membuatnya terus memper-
218
tanyakan keputusannya, mempertanyakan kemauannya, mempertanyakan komitmennya, bahkan
mempertanyakan perasaannnya terhadap Kaia.
Dering dari telepon genggam Gazi membuyarkan lamunannya itu, seperti seorang cenayang, Kaia
tahu betul bahwa laki-lakinya itu sedang bergumul dengan perasaan dan pikirannya yang kalut itu
sendirian, dan Kaia tidak akan membiarkan hal itu terjadi. Di situlah ia, namanya tertulis dengan
jelas di tampilan telepon genggam Gazi. Gazi bergegas menekan tombol hijau dan memposisikan
telepon genggamnya tepat di telinga.
“Halo?” terdengar suara lembut Kaia membuka panggilan.
Gazi bisa menjadisedikit lebih tenang setelah mendengar suara itu, detak jantungnya perlahan-lahan
melemah, kembali pada ritme awal. “Halo, kenapa Kai?”
“Harusnya aku nggak, sih, yang tanya sama kamu? Are you okay? How are you feeling?”
Gazi tidak menjawab pertanyaan itu, ia kembali diam. Pikiran-pikiran yang sepersekian detik sem-
pat hilang dari pikirannya itu satu per satu kembali memenuhi kepalanya.
“Mas Gazi, mbok ya tolong dijawab kalo ditanya.” Ledek Kaia, ia tahu sekali seberapa sukanya Gazi
dengan panggilan itu.
Gazi tersenyum mendengar godaan dari pacarnya itu. Ia sebenarnya masih memikirkan apakah ia
harus menceritakan pikirannya kepada Kaia atau tidak. Jujur, ia tidak ingin membebani Kaia den-
gan pikirannya. Kaia sudah cukup terbebani, berada di tengah keluarganya yang tidak menyetujui
hubungannya sudah cukup menyiksa. Di sisi lain, ia tahu bahwa Kaia sangat menjunjung tinggi ko-
munikasi–mungkin tidak hanya Kaia, namun semua orang–karena memang komunikasi merupakan
kunci dari sebuah hubungan.
“Aku nggak kenapa-kenapa, Kai. I was worried about you.” Jelas Gazi, setengah jujur.
“You’re a bad liar, Gazi Radhana. I need to know how we both feel about this, that’s the only way it’s
going to work. Kamu mikirin apa? Kenapa aku telpon dua kali baru dijawab?” timpal Kaia sambil
menghembuskan nafas berat.
“Loh, kamu telpon dua kali?”
“See? You didn’t even notice. Gazi, sekali lagi aku tanya, kamu mikirin apa? Kamu kenapa? Cerita
sama aku.”
“Kai, I’m scared,” Gazi mengaku.
“Me too, Sayang.”
“Aku bingung harus apa, Kai. Aku takut kalo aku ngomong ke kamu nanti malam nambahin pikiran
kamu, I know it’s already hard for you.”
Hening sempat memenuhi panggilan itu, sebelum hembusan nafas penuh frustrasi terdengar dari
pengeras suara telepon genggam Gazi. Gazi tahu mereka berdua sedang butuh waktu berpikir, maka
ia biarkan keheningan itu mengambil alih.
219
 Absennya suara itu dengan anehnya malah menenangkan. Gazi yang awalnya mempertanyakan
perasaan dan kesiapannya terhadap komitmen, sekarang sudah membulatkan tekadnya untuk terus
menemani Kaia dalam perjalanan ini. Ia merasa bahwa tidak selamanya akhir adalah sebuah jawaban.
“Kai?” panggil Gazi dengan lembut.
“Hmm?” hanya gumaman yang bisa keluar dari mulut Kaia.
Gazi tersenyum, dan Kaia bisa mendengar hembusan nafas jahil khas Gazi saat ia sedang menarik
kedua ujung bibirnya.
“Why are you smiling?” rengek Kaia lucu, ia merasa sedang diledek.
“How did you know that I smiled?” Gazi bertanya kembali tanpa membalas pertanyaan Kaia, masih
dengan senyumannya.
“Aku bisa denger kamu, please,”
Gazi terkekeh, mengundang senyum Kaia. Oh, betapa menggemaskannya kedua orang yang kisah
percintaannya sedang dilanda badai ini.
“Kamu kenapa ngetawain aku mulu, sih?”
“Engga apa-apa, lucu aja.” balas Gazi singkat.
“Aneh,” ejek Kaia. “Dari dulu, sih.”
“Itu tau. Kamu juga mau-mau aja, padahal aku aneh.” Gazi balik mencibir Kaia.
“Justru karena kamu aneh, makanya aku mau.”
Mereka berdua tertawa dengan bahagia, sebelum akhirnya senyap dan membawa mereka kembali
pada kenyataan tentang hubungan mereka yang berada di ujung jurang ini.
“Kai, aku bakal terus nemenin kamu, okay? Apapun keputusan yang mau kamu ambil pasti aku teri-
ma.” Lontar Gazi, mengubah suasana percakapan mereka.
“Kamu, nih, ngomongnya kaya apa aja! I’m not gonna break up with you, that’s not gonna happen.
Kecuali kalau kamu udah bener-bener nggak kuat, kamu merasa ternyata kamu nggak siap untuk
menjadi bagian dari keluarga aku, kamu bisa terus terang sama aku.” Tegas Kaia pada Gazi, ia harus
memastikan bahwa mereka berdua sama-sama memiliki tujuan dan keinginan yang sama dalam hal
ini.
Dari pertama kali mendengar kata ‘kecuali’ keluar dari mulut Kaia, Gazi sudah menggeleng-geleng-
kan kepalanya sambil bergumam. “No, no, no. I want to be with you. I wanna go where you go, I
want you, I want us.”
“It can change, Gazi. Perasaanmu bisa berubah dengan berjalannya waktu, semakin kamu kenal den-
gan keluargaku, semakin kamu kenal dengan aku, semakin–”
“I won’t allow you to finish that sentence,” mereka berdua diam, perasaan mereka tidak keruan. “Aku
tahu persis ini belum seberapa, aku tahu masalah yang kita hadapi bakal makin rumit, but there’s no
220
way I’m giving up on us.”
Air mata sudah menumpuk di pelupuk mata Kaia. Cintanya sedang diuji, dan pada waktu yang sama
ia sangat merasa dicintai, ia sadar bahwa ia telah mencintai orang yang tepat pula.
“Aku mau lebih kenal kamu, and by that I mean aku mau kenal keluargamu lebih dalam juga. Aku
mau kenal bahasamu, aku mau kenal budayamu, tradisi keluargamu, semuanya. Aku mau menjadi
bagian dari mereka, menurutku itu satu-satunya cara,” Gazi menghela nafas panjang. “Tapi aku juga
bingung gimana caranya.”
Isak tangis Kaia terdengar sampai ke telinga Gazi. Seharusnya Gazi yang menenangkan Kaia seka-
rang, tetapi malah ia yang ditenangkan oleh Kaia. “Well you have me, I can show you, I can teach
you. Tapi nggak bisa instan, Gazi. Are you sure with this?”
“For you? For us? I’ll do whatever it takes, Kai.”
Kata-kata itulah yang dibutuhkan Kaia, dengan ini ia bisa memastikan arah hubungan mereka. Kaia
berusaha menenangkan tangisnya sendiri dengan meyakinkan dirinya. “We can get through this.
Alon-alon waton kelakon.”
“Didn’t know we’re already starting with the Javanese lesson?”
“Hah? Nggak, ih! Orang aku ngomong sendiri!” seru Kaia dengan nada tinggi.
“Yah, padahal aku pengen tahu artinya.” Rengek Gazi.
Entah kenapa Kaia semakin yakin dengan Gazi, dengan keseriusannya–setelah mendengar keinginta-
huan Gazi terhadap filosofi hidup dalam bahasa Jawa yang ia gumamkan.
“Alon-alon waton kelakon is basically pelan-pelan tapi pasti. Tapi, direct translationnya, sih, pe-
lan-pelan asal berhasil. I said that because I know, for you to learn about my culture, it needs time.
Dan, ya, aku setuju sama kamu, menurutku satu-satunya jalan adalah untuk kamu lebih mengenal
budaya dan keluargaku, kenal aku secara keseluruhan.” jelas Kaia.
Di saat yang sama, Gazi terdengar seperti sedang mencoba untuk menghafalkan filosofi Jawa yang
baru dijelaskan Kaia dengan terus mengulang kalimatnya. “Alon-alon waton kelakon, alon-alon wa-
ton kelakon…”
“Are you memorizing it?”
“Don’t blame me, it sounds catchy.” bela Gazi, memanjangkan suku kata terakhir di kalimatnya den-
gan nada manja.
Mereka berdua kemudian menghabiskan waktu mereka dengan saling bercerita tentang harinya,
membicarakan topik apapun yang muncul di kepala mereka, tidak ingin mengakhiri percakapan.
Gazi merasa ia jatuh cinta lagi, entah untuk keberapa kalinya. Ia tidak pernah mengira bahwa ia
akan mengambil keputusan sejauh ini untuk seorang perempuan. Tapi, ini Kaia. Dan Gazi butuh
Kaia.
‘Kenapa gue jadi gini ya?’ batinnya.
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 ***
B AG I A N I I : K AW U L A M U N G S A D E R M A , M O B A H M O S I K K E RS -
A N I N H YA N G S U K M O
Mungkin tidak semua orang tahu bahwa saat memasuki umur seperempat abad lebih dan mulai
menerima undangan pernikahan dari teman seumuran bisa meningkatkan tingkat stress seseorang.
Tapi itulah yang dirasakan Gazi sekarang. Solusinya sebenarnya mudah saja, antara menikah, atau
tidak usah terlalu memikirkannya. Tetapi tidak dengan Gazi, kedua opsi itu tidak berguna baginya.
Pertama, ia tidak bisa memilih opsi pertama–menikah–karena hubungannya masih belum disetujui
oleh keluarga calon istrinya. Yang kedua, banyak sekali tekanan internal maupun eksternal berbasis
harian yang terus menghantuinya. Eksternal dalam arti umurnya sekarang adalah umur ideal bagi
seseorang untuk menikah, dan internal berarti desakan hatinya sendiri untuk segera menikahi–mem-
buktikan cinta dan keseriusannya terhadap perempuan yang menjadi pemilik hatinya, Kaia.
Banyak malam yang ia isi dengan memimpikan hari pernikahannya tiba, bagaimana cantiknya Kaia
menggunakan busana dan dandanan khas Jawa, bagaimana bahagianya kedua belah keluarga terha-
dap integrasi kedua individu ini, bagaimana harunya ia karena bisa memanggil perempuan yang ia
cintai dengan panggilan istri, dan bagaimanya bangganya ia ketika melihat nama belakangnya dipa-
kai oleh Kaia. Kaia Radhana. Oh, betapa cantik dan magisnya.
Suara klakson mobil seakan menampar Gazi, menyadarkannya dari sesi mimpi siang bolongnya.
Ia mengeratkan genggaman tangan kirinya, memastikan apa tangan perempuan kesayangannya itu
masih dalam genggamannya.
“Are you okay?” tanya Kaia cemas.
Gazi menggelengkan kepalanya sambil tersenyum. “I’m fine.”
“Mikirin apa, sih?”
Gazi tidak menjawab pertanyaan itu, memandang jalanan di depannya dengan tatapan kosong.
“Mas Gazi, kok mesti, ya. Mbok semaur ngunu, loh.” ucap Kaia gemas, mencubit sisi kiri perut Gazi.
“Ih, sakit!” rengek Gazi.
Kaia tertawa puas, setidaknya ia berhasil mendapatkan atensi Gazi yang sedari tadi cenderung diam.
“Makanya jawab! Kamu ngerti nggak tadi aku bilang apa?”
Gazi sempat diam sejenak, membuka mulutnya secara dramatis, berlagak seperti orang yang sedang
disinggung harga dirinya. “Oh, please. Kamu tadi ngomong ‘mbok semaur ngunu’, which means to-
long dijawab, gitu. Bener nggak?”
Kaia menganggukkan kepalanya penuh bangga, menurutnya keberhasilan Gazi dalam mengartikan
bahasa Jawa sehari-hari yang dipakainya ini adalah keberhasilannya dalam mengenalkan Gazi kepada
bahasa ibunya.
“Kamu mikirin apa, sih? Sampai bengong gitu.” Kaia bertanya penuh perhatian.
“I was just daydreaming, I guess.”
222
“Oh, do tell.” balas Kaia menyeringai.
Gazi tersenyum, memandang Kaia sebentar sebelum mengarahkan pandangannya kembali ke jalan.
“Our wedding–”
Kaia memotong kalimat Gazi sebelum ia bisa menyelesaikannya. “What?”
“Yes, our wedding day. Aku bayangin aja kamu bakal secantik apa, tapi terus kepikiran gimana cara-
nya bikin keluarga kamu setuju dulu.”
Kaia menempelkan telapak tangannya di pipi Gazi, mengelusnya perlahan dengan ibu jarinya. “Bisa,
Sayang. Kalo kata Bapak, kawula mung saderma, mobah mosik kersanin Hyang sukmo.”
“Which means?” tanya Gazi bingung. Ia memang sudah mulai terbiasa dengan bahasa Jawa se-
hari-hari yang digunakan oleh Kaia, tapi tidak dengan bahasa Jawa Krama, bahasa Jawa yang memili-
ki tingkat kesopanan tertinggi–biasanya digunakan oleh anak kepada orang tuanya, atau orang yang
dituakan.
“Ya, kita sebagai manusia lakuin apa yang bisa kita lakuin, sisanya kita serahin ke Tuhan. Aku tahu,
rasanya nggak enak kalo kita nggak bisa mengontrol sesuatu, tapi kenyataannya kita perlu percaya
sama Tuhan dan rencana-Nya. Aku yakin mereka bakal bisa nerima kamu. PR kamu sekarang cuma
belajar basa Krama aja.”
Mereka berdua tersenyum, Gazi meletakkan tangan kirinya di paha Kaia, meremas paha Kaia dengan
lembut, ibu jarinya bergerak mengusap lapisan kain yang menutupi paha Kaia.
“Nggih, siap, Ndoro.”
Gazi baru tersadar, ternyata selama ini Kaia sering sekali memberi Gazi nasehat dengan falsafah-fal-
safah Jawa yang ia pelajari dari keluarganya. Mungkin ini adalah cara Kaia memperkenalkan Gazi
pada budaya keluarganya. Pernah sekali, Kaia menjelaskan kepada Gazi kenapa setiap hari tertentu
Kaia tidak bisa keluar rumah dan harus membuat bubur Jenang Sengkolo, juga membeli bunga. Itu
adalah salah satu kebudayaan orang Jawa yang biasanya disebut dengan Wetonan.
Misalnya, seseorang terlahir pada hari Sabtu Pahing di kalender Jawa, setiap hari Sabtu Pahing di
seumur hidupnya, ia harus membuat Jenang Sengkolo. Jenang Sengkolo ini terdiri dari dua Jenang,
ada Jenang Abang (merah), dan Jenang Putih. Makna dari Jenang Sengkolo ini berasal dari kata
morwakala yang artinya sendiri adalah menghilangkan bala atau kesialan. Jenang Sengkolo juga
memiliki filosofi yang mendalam, yaitu tentang asal muasal manusia lahir, sel sperma dan sel telur.
Jenang Abang melambangkan sosok ibu, sedangkan Jenang Putih melambangkan sosok ayah. Dalam
tradisi ini, kita sebagai manusia mengingat kembali darimanakah kita berasal, mengingat kembali
jasa orang tua kita, dan tentunya mengucap syukur pada Tuhan dan alam yang selalu mendampingi
hidup kita sampai sekarang.
Gazi takjub dengan magis dan kentalnya kebudayaan Jawa di keluarga Kaia, walau zaman sudah
semakin maju dan banyak orang di luar sana yang memutuskan untuk meninggalkan kebudayaannya,
keluarga Kaia tetap melestarikan budaya mereka dengan sangat baik, memperkenalkan budaya kepa-
da anak cucunya agar mereka juga tahu seberapa pentingnya budaya bagi identitas seorang individu.
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B AG I A N I I I : K R A M A I N G K A N G D I P U N R E S T U
Sore itu, Gazi dengan tekadnya yang bulat datang ke rumah Kaia. Ia sempat bertanya kepada Kaia
apakah kedua orangtuanya berada di rumahnya, dan biasanya saat kedua orang tua Kaia berada di
rumah, mereka memilih untuk langsung bertemu di luar. Tetapi tidak kali ini, Gazi memarkirkan
mobilnya tepat di depan rumah Kaia, turun dari mobilnya dan duduk manis sembari menunggu
kedatangan orang tua Kaia di ruang tamu. Ia datang sendiri, dengan pakaian rapi tetapi tidak terlalu
formal. Tepat setelah Gazi sampai di rumah, Kaia langsung menyambut kedatangan Gazi.
“Are you sure, Gazi?”
“Aku cuma mau minta izin dulu, Kai. Kalau ditunda-tunda terus juga bakal semakin kepikiran.” Gazi
berusaha menenangkan Kaia yang terlihat sangat cemas dengan keputusan Gazi.
Kehadiran kedua orang tua Kaia membuat Gazi semakin membulatkan niat dan maksud kehadiran-
nya ke sini. Ia beranjak dari duduknya, menghampiri kedua orang tua Kaia dan menyalami mereka.
Gazi mengambil tangan ayah Kaia dan menempelkan punggung tangan tersebut di dahinya, seperti
seorang lelaki Jawa sejati.
“Wes mangan, Le?” tanya ibu Kaia basa-basi.
Entah mengapa Gazi merasa lebih nyaman mendengar panggilan ‘Le’ keluar dari mulut ibu Kaia. ‘Le’
atau ‘Thole’ merupakan panggilan yang sering digunakan orang Jawa untuk anak laki-lakinya.
“Sampun, Bu.” balas Gazi singkat, membuat kaget orang tua Kaia.
“Lhoalah, wes iso ngomong Jawa, toh, Anak Lanang iki.” puji ibu Kaia takjub, dengan waktu yang
singkat Gazi sudah bisa sedikit banyak menguasai bahasa Jawa, juga seperti mengingatkan para kera-
bat Kaia bahwa Gazi bisa mengerti apa yang mereka bicarakan tentang Gazi dalam bahasa Jawa.
Gazi membalas dengan senyum bangga.
“Jadi, ada apa, Nak? Tadi saya sempat diberitahu oleh Kaia kalau Nak Gazi ingin berbicara dengan
kami. Apa yang perlu dibicarakan, Nak?” ayah Kaia masuk ke dalam obrolan, bertanya kepada Gazi
dengan nada tenang nan tegas.
“Bapak kalih Ibu, dalem sampun madep mantep kalihan putrinipun panjenengan. Dalem ngertos yen
dalem menika mantu ingkang mboten dikersaaken kalih Bapak lan Ibu. Dalem nyuwun legowonipun
Bapak lan Ibu, mugi-mugi saged nrima dalem. Dalem lan putrinipun panjenengan sami-sami nres-
nani, dalem sampun yakin dhumateng putrinipun panjenengan. Kahanan dalem tebih sae sepang-
gihnipun dalem kepanggih putrinipun Bapak lan Ibu. Ingkang badhe dalem rencanaaken menika
sesarengan dimangertosi kalihan putrinipun panjenengan. Milanipun, dalem badhe nyuwun lan
badhe melamar putrinipun panjenengan. Dalem sampun trisna dhumateng putrinipun panjenengan
lahir lan batin. Dalem nyuwun izin kalihan Bapak lan Ibu, sagedo dalem sesarengan anggen’e rumah
tangga saged dados’o aki-aki lan ninen-ninen. Saking manah ingkang paling dalem lan sedayanipun
tanggung jawab dalem, dalem nyuwun dhumateng Bapak kalihan Ibu restunipun dalem suwun.
Mbok bilih wonten klenta klentu saha kebat kliwating atur dalem mboten dadosaken serjuning
penggalih, saestu dalem nyuwun lumunturing sih samudra pangaksami.”
224
Monolog panjang yang berisi permintaan restu Gazi kepada orang tua Kaia ini mengundang banyak
air mata untuk keluar dari pelupuk ibu dan ayah Kaia, begitu juga dengan Kaia. Haru mendominasi
perasaan mereka, mengingat Gazi sama sekali tidak memiliki kemampuan untuk berbahasa Jawa saat
mereka pertama kali bertemu, dan sekarang ia terlihat sangat siap dengan kalimat-kalimatnya dalam
bahasa Jawa Krama yang sangat indah itu, yang pastinya sudah ia latih jauh-jauh hari sebelum ini.
“Ya Gusti, Le,” ayah Kaia tidak dapat menahan ketakjubannya terhadap niat Gazi untuk membukti-
kan cintanya terhadap Kaia. “Kami sudah legowo menerima kamu sebagai bagian dari kita, Le, kalau
memang itu yang Kaia mau. Bapak benar-benar sangat bangga dengan niat dan keseriusanmu dengan
Kaia. Matur nuwun, nggih, Le.”
“Dalem ingkang matur sembah nuwun,” balas Gazi dengan sepenuh hatinya. “Saya tahu seberapa
pentingnya restu Bapak dan Ibu bagi Kaia, juga bagi saya. Saya banyak sekali belajar tentang budi
pekerti budaya Jawa dari Kaia, maka dari itu daya niatkan untuk datang hari ini, meminta restu dan
izin untuk membawa hubungan kami ke jenjang yang lebih serius. Saya belum langsung mau mela-
mar Kaia sekarang, karena saya juga tahu banyak sekali hal yang harus dipersiapkan untuk lamaran
dalam adat Jawa, tetapi dengan begini saya mendapatkan lampu hijau dari keluarga Kaia untuk bisa
mulai merencanakan lamaran.”
“Ya, tentu! Nanti kita harus cari tanggal bagus, juga menghitung weton kalian. Bagaimana, Kaia?”
tukas ayah Kaia.
“I’ve been waiting for this moment my whole life.” Kaia masih menitikkan air mata. Mengangguk
menyetujui semua perkataan kedua lelaki kesayangannya itu.
“Restu itu doa, Nak. Kami merestui kalian, maka lakukanlah apa yang perlu kalian lakukan untuk
mempersiapkan pernikahan kalian dalam doa kami. Tidak ada yang lebih sakral daripada pernikah-
an yang direstui orang tua.” imbuh ibu Kaia.
Gazi mengganggukkan kepalanya, “Krama ingkang dipunrestu.”
Koda: Witing Tresna Jalaran Saka Kulino, Witing Mulya Jalaran Wani Rekoso
Sejak awal, Kaia tahu bahwa pasti suatu saat keluarganya bisa menerima Gazi sebagai pendamping
hidupnya. Keyakinan ini muncul karena melihat seberapa seriusnya Gazi dalam membangun hubun-
gan bersama Kaia dari awal. Gazi membutuhkan Kaia, dan Kaia juga membutuhkan Gazi. Kesadaran
ini yang membuat Gazi sangat menunjukkan keseriusannya.
Berasal dari latar belakang yang berbeda memang seringkali dipandang oleh orang lain sebagai salah
satu faktor terbesar yang bisa memisahkan kedua individu, tetapi tidak bagi Kaia dan Gazi. Gazi
Radhana selalu membiarkan Kaia melakukan hal-hal yang membuatnya kurang nyaman jika itu
menyangkut kepercayaan dan budaya keluarganya. Toleransi. Bagi Gazi, mungkin hal itu bukanlah
suatu masalah, mengingat cinta adalah titik toleransi tertinggi seseorang dan Gazi sangat mencintai
Kaia. Tetapi hal itu tidak hanya dilakukan oleh Gazi pada Kaia saja, tetapi pada budayanya, kepada
bahasanya, kepada tradisinya, kepada darah Jawa yang Kaia dan keluarganya bawa. Sampai-sampai
Kaia mengira, Gazi sudah mencintai budaya Jawa seperti Kaia mencintai budayanya sendiri.
Kaia sangat setuju dengan falsafah Jawa yang berbunyi “Witing tresna jalaran saka kulino, witing
mulya jalaran wani rekoso.” yang kira-kira artinya adalah bahwa cinta bisa datang karena kebiasaan,
dan kemakmuran timbul karena berani bersusah-susah terlebih dahulu. Gazi dan Kaia banyak sekali
225
 mengalami masalah dalam hubungannya, mungkin restu merupakan salah satu yang terbesar. Tetapi
mereka tidak pernah menyerah, mereka terus menjalani hubungan mereka atas nama kepercayaan.
Dan sampailah mereka pada gerbang pintu kemerdekaan hubungan mereka, restu diberikan, berkat
segala perjuangan mereka, berkat keberanian mereka untuk terus maju dan bersusah-susah bersama.

Memiliki pendamping hidup yang dari lahir hidupnya sudah dikaryakan sebagai salah satu dari ban-
yaknya pelestari budaya bukanlah hal yang mudah, tetapi pengalaman ini mengajarkan Gazi banyak
hal. Khususnya, bahwa kecintaan terhadap budaya bukan hanya datang dari darah, tetapi dari teng-
gang rasa dan keterbukaan hati.

226 227
228 229
 Roda itu Berputar
A S T O RY B Y AY U

***
PA RT I : K A DA N G K I TA D I ATA S

S andi Arestra lahir di keluarga yang sederhana dengan seorang ayah yang notabene adalah
karyawan biasa di institusi bank terbesar di Indonesia dan seorang ibu rumah tangga yang pen-
yayang dan baik. Mereka memiliki rumah di Jakarta dan meskipun rumah itu tidak terlalu besar–1
kamar utama dan 2 kamar anak–mereka cukup puas dengan semuanya. They were happy; namun
senyum kedua orang-tuanya terlihat lebih lebar ketika 4 tahun setelah kelahiran Sandi, anggota
keluarga mereka bertambah satu. Kehadiran seorang Andin Arestri seperti menjadi sebuah kesenan-
gan tersendiri untuk mereka semua. Untung saja kedua orang-tuanya penganut pepatah ‘2 anak lebih
baik’ jadi setelah kelahiran adiknya itu, mereka nyaman dengan situasi mereka. (Ia kadang berpikir,
jika orang-tuanya memutuskan untuk memiliki anak lagi, mungkin keberuntungan mereka tidak
akan sampai seperti ini). Meskipun ayahnya tidak memiliki harta yang banyak, mereka hidup dengan
berkecukupan. And that’s enough.

Namun waktu Sandi menginjak umur 5 tahun–1 tahun sebelum ia harus masuk ke sekolah dasar–ia
mendengar bahwa ayahnya baru saja mendapatkan promosi dengan jabatan yang lumayan tinggi
dan upah yang lebih besar. Rencana mereka untuk menyekolahkan Sandi di SD Negeri depan ru-
mah berubah, mereka bertiga akhirnya mendatangi salah satu sekolah internasional yang berada di
Kemang–jika Sandi merasa bosan, ia akan sesekali membuka laman web sekolah itu untuk melihat
betapa melambungnya harga menyekolahkan anak di sana sekarang–dan ketika ia melihat semua
fasilitas yang ditawarkan, ia langsung merengek minta didaftarkan ke sekolah tersebut.
Ketika kedua orang-tuanya mengiyakan dan ia tidak sengaja mendengar uang masuknya, ia sedikit
terkejut. How are they able to afford it?

Namun setelah itu, kehidupannya – kehidupan mereka berempat – memang menjadi lebih… nya-
man.

Ibunya mulai mendatangi pusat perbelanjaan kelas atas seperti Pacific Place maupun Plaza Senayan,
menenteng pulang paper bag dengan nama-nama merek mahal yang terpampang di tas-tas tersebut,
ayahnya mengajaknya ke Kidzania untuk pertama kalinya, mereka jadi lebih sering makan keluar-
ga di restoran yang berada di dalam mall daripada di pinggir jalan. Sandi awalnya tidak mengerti
bagaimana kehidupan mereka dapat berubah dalam sekejap; dari ibunya yang suka menangis karena
tidak memiliki uang receh untuk membelikan Andin jepitan dari warung di dekat rumah ke membe-
likan putrinya baju-baju bertabur glitter dari Zara.

Jadi suatu hari ketika ibunya berhalangan untuk menjemputnya dari sekolah dan ayahnya yang
datang dengan mobil baru mereka, Sandi tidak dapat menahan dirinya untuk tidak bertanya, “Pah,
kenapa kita tiba-tiba kaya?” Ia tidak dapat mencari kata lain untuk mensubstitusikan ‘kaya’ – itu
cara orang-orang di TV mendeskripsikan orang yang memiliki harta lebih, itu kata yang digunakan
teman-temannya ketika ia masuk kelas dengan sepasang sepatu Skechers menyala, itu kata yang digu-
nakan orang-tua teman-teman TK-nya ketika ia datang berkunjung ke rumah mereka setelah mereka

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 tahu di mana orang-tua Sandi memutuskan untuk menyekolahkannya.
Ayahnya tidak terlihat tersinggung dengan pertanyaan tersebut, ia hanya tertawa, matanya masih
fokus ke jalanan di depannya. Tangan kirinya meraih ke kursi penumpang dan ia taruh di belakang
leher Sandi, menggenggamnya dengan lemas – menenangkan – sebelum ia mengelus rambut putran-
ya, “Kita nggak kaya, Sandi, we’re just more secure now.”
Sandi mengangguk paham sambil melihat jam di dalam mobil – takut ia tidak dapat menonton kar-
tun sorenya – tapi ia bertanya lagi, “How?”
“Gimana apanya, Bang?”
“Gimana kita bisa… secure?”
Pria di sebelahnya itu tersenyum simpul sebelum menjawab dengan tenang, “Roda itu berputar,
Abang, terkadang kita di atas… terkadang juga di bawah, kita beruntung kali ini kita lagi di atas. But
it doesn’t mean that you should stop being humble, ya? We never know when the wheel will spin again.”
Untuk seorang anak 7 tahun yang selalu dibilang sangat dewasa di usianya – jauh melampaui umurn-
ya – perkataan ayahnya pada sore hari itu melekat baginya. Roda itu berputar, kadang kita di atas,
kadang kita di bawah, so we should always be humble. Sandi menelan perkataan itu seutuhnya, menjad-
ikannya sebagai sebuah motivasi untuk dirinya sendiri nanti dan ia tidak akan pernah lupa dengan
percakapan singkat di antara dirinya dan ayahnya pada sore hari itu di jalanan Kemang Raya.
Tapi masalahnya… kehidupan mereka menjadi jauh lebih baik di tahun-tahun mendatang. Sandi
yang waktu itu masih berumur 7 tahun tidak tahu semua hal-hal baik yang akan terjadi setelah itu.
Ia tidak tahu bahwa jabatan ayahnya akan terus menerus naik dengan cepat karena ia sudah
mendapatkan momentum yang pas; lebih banyak liburan keluarga yang mereka habiskan bersa-
ma – awalnya menginap di hotel-hotel bintang lima yang berada di Bali lalu menonton F1 di Sin-
gapura lalu mengikuti tur keliling Eropa yang Sandi yakin membutuhkan tabungan lebih – lebih
sering makan di restoran-restoran mewah yang dulunya ia hanya dapat lihat dari jauh, lebih sering
mendapatkan hadiah-hadiah mahal seperti console PlayStation yang selama ini ia inginkan.
Dan seperti manusia pada umumnya ketika dihadapkan dengan kenikmatan yang tiada tara, ia mera-
sa invincible. Tidak tersentuh, tidak akan dapat dilukai.
Sandi tidak tahu di mana titik paling tinggi dalam hidupnya – he celebrated all the small achievements,
the awards, the acceptance letters from competitive universities in Australia – dan bahkan ketika ia sudah
memasukkan barang-barangnya ke dalam apartemen studio yang ia sewa dan berlokasi di salah
satu kota termahal di dunia, Melbourne, ia berpikir jika itu adalah titik paling tinggi. Jika diterima
di salah satu universitas ternama di dunia, mendapatkan beasiswa karena kerja kerasnya, dan gaya
hidup yang tidak tergolong murah miliknya itu disanggupi oleh ayahnya – adalah titik paling tinggi
di hidupnya.
Laki-laki itu membuat kopi panas pada sore hari itu sambil berdiri di balkon apartemen miliknya,
melihat pemandangan kota Melbourne dari atas dan berpikir, ‘Will my life go downhill from now?’
Ia masih memegang perkataan ayahnya tentang bagaimana roda berputar, tentang bagaimana ia
harus menyiapkan diri karena hari sial tidak pernah ada di dalam kalender. Maka ia belajar – banyak
– dan menghabiskan 3 tahun di Melbourne dengan berkenalan dengan orang-orang banyak – ke-
232
banyakkan yang berasal dari Indonesia – tapi tidak pernah lupa untuk belajar. Ia lalu mendapatkan
internships di bank-bank ternama, merapikan CV miliknya, menyelesaikan semua mata kuliah wajib
di bawah 3,5 tahun dan lulus dengan gelar ‘summa cum laude’.
Saat kedua orang-tuanya terbang ke Melbourne untuk menghadiri wisudanya dan adik perempuan-
nya, Andin, ikut – sekaligus mencari kampus untuk dirinya nanti – Sandi terjaga malam itu, laptop
terbuka di hadapannya dengan satu pertanyaan di dalam pikirannya, ‘When is the downfall? Will I have
one?’
It’s a regret that he encounters often – even years from then – how he’s constantly waiting for bad news to
come, unaware that he’s probably manifesting it into existence.
Setelah ia lulus, ia pindah ke Singapura untuk melanjutkan karir di sana sebagai private banker
sementara adiknya pindah ke Australia untuk melanjutkan studi di sana. Dan sebagai anak pertama
dengan karir yang stabil dan pemasukkan di atas rata-rata, pertanyaan yang mendampinginya setiap
ia pulang ke Indonesia untuk bertemu keluarganya adalah, “Udah punya gandengan atau belum?”
Biasanya ia akan menjawab dengan senyuman simpul sambil minum teh hangat buatan salah satu
sepupunya lalu menurunkan cangkir tersebut dan mengganti topik pembicaraan. Karena ia tahu itu
sebuah pertanyaan jebakan – he’d be lying if he said he didn’t have someone but he’d also be lying if he said
he did.
Sandi pertama bertemu perempuan itu di salah satu toko duty-free di Bandara Changi, Singapura.
Ia memiliki rambut panjang bergelombang yang keliatannya telah di-style dengan sempurna oleh
hairstylist mahal, baju-baju yang ia kenakan terlihat seperti ditarik dari halaman majalah high-fash-
ion dan tas yang ditaruh di sikunya senilai 3 bulan gaji Sandi. Perempuan itu menaruh black card
miliknya di atas konter tapi pegawai yang bekerja di belakangnya sibuk menjelaskan bahwa sedang
ada gangguan dengan mesin EDC mereka, maka kartunya tidak akan dapat terbaca.
“What do you mean that the connection’s lost? This is an AmEx.”
“We know, Miss, but our machine’s broken right now so it’ll take some time,” si karyawan menjelaskan den-
gan pelan-pelan meskipun Sandi dapat melihat beberapa bulir keringat di pelipisnya, takut dirinya
akan kena damprat oleh perempuan itu.
“I don’t have time, my flight’s leaving soon and I really need this as a birthday present for my friend and –”
Sebelum ia dapat menyelesaikan kalimatnya, Sandi menaruh 2 lembar uang kertas Singapura di atas
konter marmer itu – dengan asumsi bahwa parfum yang akan dibeli tidak lebih mahal dari S$200
– dan si perempuan terdiam. Ia melihat ke belakang, matanya menatap Sandi lekat-lekat sebelum
berbicara lagi.
“No, it’s okay, I got it.”
Sandi tersenyum, “If your AmEx isn’t working then I’m assuming your other credit cards won’t, either, so take
it, it’s alright.”
“I can’t possibly take this.”
“You can and you must because if you don’t you might miss your flight.”
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 Perempuan itu terdiam – menimbang-nimbang semua opsi yang ia punya – sebelum akhirnya meng-
hela nafas dan mengangguk, “I promise I’ll CashApp you or something.”
“It’s alright.”
Percakapan mereka berhenti di situ dan si perempuan mengatakan bahwa ia harus segera masuk
ke pesawatnya karena ia tidak ingin terlambat. Sandi mengangguk dengan pelan-pelan karena ia
juga sudah mencatat nomor rekening miliknya ke dalam ponsel perempuan itu. Mereka tidak ber-
tukar nama ataupun nomor hape tapi laki-laki itu terkejut ketika ia menyusuri lorong pesawat dan
mendapati bahwa kursi kosong atas namanya ternyata berada di samping si perempuan.
Mereka berdua tertawa dan setelah ia menaruh bagasi kabin di atas pesawat, perempuan itu membu-
ka percakapan, “Ke Jakarta juga?”
“Iya.”
“Asli sana?”
“Yep, I work here, though,” jawab Sandi.
“Oh cool, me too, where?”
Ketika pesawat lepas landas, ban ditarik dan lampu kenakan sabuk pengaman telah dipadamkan,
kedua manusia itu masuk ke dalam dunia mereka sendiri – menjauh dari daratan penuh keributan,
menjauh dari notifikasi yang tanpa henti masuk ke dalam ponsel masing-masing, menjauh dari bumi
yang mereka pijak – untuk berbicara tentang apa saja: pekerjaan, masa lalu, kehidupan pribadi.
Mungkin itu kesalahan pertama mereka, memulai sesuatu ketika mereka sedang menyendiri dari
dunia – that’s why it’ll never work because it started as a secret in the first place.
Awalnya ia tidak ingin menjadikan hubungan antara dirinya dan si perempuan sebagai sebuah raha-
sia, ia terbiasa bercerita dengan kedua orang-tuanya, terkadang juga bercerita kepada adik perem-
puannya. Tapi si perempuan yang membuatnya berjanji untuk menjadikan ini semua sebuah rahasia,
ia belum siap bertemu dengan keluarga Sandi, belum siap melakukan kencan di depan umum, belum
siap membawa Sandi pulang ke rumahnya untuk minum kopi di teras bersama ayahnya.
Dan Sandi – yang tidak memiliki urgensi untuk menetap dan menikah – hanya mengiyakan semua
perkataan perempuan itu. Kalimatnya selalu sakti, suaranya merdu – like the voice of a Siren that lures
poor sailormen to sea, welcoming their inevitable deaths – dan ciumannya magis. Men will always be men.
Mereka tidak pernah meresmikan hubungan mereka berdua – never found the need to – dan bi-
asanya pertemuan mereka akan terjadi di apartemen milik si puan atau milik Sandi pada tengah
malam setiap mereka selesai bekerja. Satu pesan singkat darinya ataupun dari Sandi, mengajak yang
satunya ke rumah untuk bertemu lalu menunggu, terkadang dengan botol sampanye yang sudah
terbuka ataupun take-outs dari restoran cepat saji yang sudah siap di atas coffee table, suara familier
dari intercom meminta yang satunya untuk mempersilahkan mereka masuk, satu rotasi kunci untuk
membuka pintu, tarikkan di pegangan pintu, ucapan basa-basi template dan dua bibir yang akhirnya
menyatu.
Tangan yang berkeliaran di atas tubuh satu sama lain, jari-jari yang memainkan resleting ataupun
kancing baju, bibir yang menjamah kulit terekspos. Moans that reverberate off the walls, intertwined
limbs underneath the sheets, looking into each other’s eyes with their bodies connected and their fingers inter-
laced. Biasanya setelah itu Sandi akan berjalan ke area dapur, membuka kulkas untuk mengambil 1
234
botol air mineral dingin dan berjalan ke arah jendela untuk melihat keluar.
Berpikir kepada dirinya sendiri, mungkin pada poin itulah ia akhirnya berada di titik tertinggi di
hidupnya. (Dan ia benar).
Begitu ia mulai nyaman dengan rutinitas tersebut, semuanya runtuh.
***
PA RT I I : K A DA N G K I TA D I B AWA H
Telefon itu masuk pada jam 4 dini hari waktu Singapura. Ia merogoh ke nakas di sebelah kasur dan
mengambil hape yang sedang bergetar itu, perempuan yang tidur di sebelahnya sama sekali tidak
bergeming, masih terjebak di alam tidur – terkadang ia iri dengan caranya tidur – dan ketika ia me-
lihat nama kontak yang ada di lock screen di dalam keadaan setengah sadar dan di sela-sela kelopak
mata yang setengah tertutup, ia langsung duduk ketika ia membaca caller ID tersebut.
Mama.
Hal-hal baik tidak pernah terjadi pada jam 3 waktu Indonesia Barat.
“Mama?” Sandi menyapa ibunya dengan bisikan, takut membangunkan perempuan yang masih tidur
pulas di sebelahnya. Ia tidak mendapatkan jawaban selama beberapa detik, hanya ada suara ribut
di latar belakang dan perkataan-perkataan yang Sandi tidak dapat dengar dengan jelas. “Mama di
mana?”
Ia mendengar ibunya menghela nafas, “Kakak di mana?”
Sandi tidak mungkin menjawab dengan jujur jadi ia menjawab, “Di apart, Ma, kenapa? Ada apa?”
“Kakak bisa cuti sebentar?”
“Emang kenapa, Ma?” Saat itu ia sudah mulai panik, mempersiapkan diri dengan semua
kemungkinan terburuk yang ada. Sesuatu telah terjadi, pasti ada yang terjadi. Ia menelan ludah dan
menaruh kedua kakinya di lantai kayu yang dingin itu, trying to ground himself.
“It’s Papa, San,” ibunya berhenti sebentar, “Papa stroke.”
Semuanya runtuh pada saat itu juga, pada detik itu juga, pada momen itu juga. Jika dirinya adalah
seorang karakter di sinetron yang sering dilihat ibunya di SCTV, ia akan membiarkan ponsel itu
jatuh di atas kayu apartemen tersebut sambil berteriak. Namun dirinya bukan seorang karakter yang
sedang dimainkan oleh aktor ternama – meskipun pada saat itu, ia berharap bahwa semuanya adalah
sebuah sandiwara besar – ia Sandi, ia hidup, dan ayahnya terkena stroke.
Ia berdiri dengan cepat, mengambil kemeja putih miliknya yang sudah kusut dari atas lantai dan
mengenakannya dengan tergesa-gesa, “Mama di mana sekarang?”
“Di rumah sakit.” Suaranya terlalu santai untuk memberitahu situasi yang genting.
“Andin udah tau?” Bahkan di saat-saat seperti itu, si sulung tidak lupa tentang si bungsu. Bahkan di
saat-saat seperti itu, ketika dirinya sedang berdiri di tengah-tengah apartemen yang bukan miliknya
sambil membuka laptop di atas konter, ia masih mencoba untuk memikirkan bagaimana caranya ia
235
 akan memberitahu Andin tentang berita tersebut.
Andin yang sebentar lagi akan melanjutkan studinya di Australia lagi, Andin yang baru saja lulus
dari S1, Andin si bungsu yang tidak terbiasa hidup kesusahan.
“Belum, Mama belum sempet kasih tau.”
“Papa sekarang gimana? Kondisinya?”
“Belum tau pasti. Kakak bisa cuti?”
“Bisa, Ma.”
“Kakak kasih tau Andin bisa?”
Sandi menggigit bibir bawahnya, mencoba untuk mencari cara terbaik untuk memberitahu adiknya
tentang berita tersebut, “Kakak coba.”
Cue the hardest things he’d ever done in his life — tell the rest of the family about the news. Andin terdiam
selama beberapa detik ketika Sandi menjelaskan, dirinya saat itu sedang menunggu panggilan
boarding untuk pesawatnya yang akan membawanya pulang. Sandi mencoba untuk menjelaskan den-
gan pelan-pelan — lagipula adiknya tidak terbiasa dengan berita buruk dan dia sedang merantau
sendirian di Australia — dan pada saat itu juga, ia belajar sesuatu yang belum pernah ia pelajari
sebelumnya: cara terlihat baik-baik saja padahal dunianya sedang runtuh.
Sebelumnya ia tidak pernah mengerti mengapa semua orang rasanya selalu mengelu-elukan si
sulung, mengapa semua orang selalu memujinya, semua orang selalu memberikannya semangat
ketika si bungsu baru lahir dan ia menggendong bayi itu di lengannya. Ia tidak pernah mengerti
mengapa jabatan ‘si sulung’ selalu menghantuinya, seperti sebuah bom yang akan meledak nantinya.
Ketika dunianya runtuh dan dirinya sedang menyusuri garbarata dengan posisi kepala menunduk
dan ponsel masih bergetar pertanda pesan-pesan yang tidak berhenti masuk, ia akhirnya mengerti
mengapa semua orang menyemangatinya saat itu. He finally understands that it’s his responsibility as the
first child to do everything his parents aren’t able to do. Ayahnya terkulai lemas di rumah sakit, ibunya
masih mencoba untuk memproses semuanya dan Andin — si bungsu — lebih sering mengurung diri
di dalam kamar daripada harus membicarakan perasaannya.
Dan Sandi adalah satu-satunya orang yang dapat produktif di tengah-tengah semuanya. Ia yang
mendaftarkan ayahnya ke rumah sakit, ia yang membawa pulang ayahnya ke rumah, ia yang mengu-
rus semuanya. Sandi tidak memiliki waktu untuk terlihat sedih ataupun lemah, yang bisa ia lakukan
hanyalah terlihat tangguh dan kuat sambil mengurus semuanya. The first child's job, it’s finally come.
Di tengah-tengah semua hiruk-pikuk di hidupnya, ia tidak memiliki banyak waktu untuk
memfokuskan dirinya ke hal lain seperti pekerjaan ataupun hubungan pribadi. Pada saat itulah,
semuanya mulai menurun, roda mulai berputar. Hidupnya yang beberapa minggu sebelumnya
rasanya sedang berada di titik yang paling atas, dengan perlahan mulai turun.
Pada saat itu, Sandi yang sudah terbiasa dengan multitasking dan melakukan banyak pekerjaan secara
bersamaan berubah menjadi Sandi yang hanya dapat fokus ke satu hal saja: ayahnya. Setelah berta-
hun-tahun hidup seperti dikejar sesuatu yang tidak kasat mata, setelah dikejar ambisi yang memba-
bi-buta dan keinginan untuk mendapatkan nama untuk dirinya sendiri — akhirnya langkah kakinya
236
memelan. Akhirnya hidupnya berhenti, rasanya, untuk sementara.
“What do you mean you’re settling back in Jakarta?” Perempuan itu menanyakan setelah Sandi mem-
beritahu kepada dirinya bahwa kemungkinan besar ia tidak akan kembali ke Singapura lagi, ia juga
sudah mengirimkan 2-weeks-notice kepada tempat kerjanya.
Sandi menopang sikunya dengan lengan yang ia lingkarkan di depan dada, ponsel masih di samping
telinganya, “Gue balik ke Jakarta, permanently.”
“What? Why?”
Mereka berdua belum eksklusif, belum menaruh label di hubungan yang tidak jelas betul ada atau
tidak tersebut jadi Sandi belum memberitahunya tentang kondisi ayahnya. Laki-laki itu mencubit
pangkal hidungnya, “It’s my dad, he’s sick.”
“How sick? What do you mean, San?”
“He had a stroke, that’s why I left so hastily that morning, he’s… not doing good.”
Ada jeda dari ujung sana sebelum si perempuan menjawab, “I’ll fly to Jakarta soon.”
Sandi mengerutkan dahinya, “Ke sini?”
“Iya…? Is that a problem?”
Sejujurnya Sandi tidak pernah berpikir bahwa mereka berdua akan menjalin hubungan bersama –
tidak dengan latar belakang si perempuan yang kompleks, tidak dengan perbedaan di antara mer-
eka berdua yang terlalu banyak, tidak dengan pekerjaan yang menyita terlalu banyak dari waktu
masing-masing – namun ketika pernyataan itu keluar dari mulut si perempuan, Sandi hanya dapat
tersenyum simpul dan menjawab, “No, I’ll be waiting then.”
Perempuan itu sampai Senin berikutnya, dengan tas Goyard andalan dan koper Rimowa di belakan-
gnya, kacamata hitam Gentle Monster miliknya ada di atas kepala. Biasanya Sandi akan menyapanya
dengan senyuman ataupun pertanyaan klise, “Udah makan atau belum?” Tapi pada hari itu, Sandi
tidak memilih keduanya, ia lebih memilih untuk merentangkan kedua lengannya dan membiarkan si
perempuan itu menenggelamkan wajahnya di dada Sandi.
Ia mencium wangi familiar dari perempuan di dalam dekapannya, wangi familiar dari sampo milikn-
ya, wangi parfum dari ceruk lehernya dan wangi deterjen yang Sandi tahu akan melekat di bajunya
untuk hari-hari mendatang. Dan meskipun mereka tidak pernah meresmikan hubungan mereka,
laki-laki itu tahu dia milik si perempuan dan ia berharap si perempuan juga tahu — ia berharap mer-
eka berdua memiliki pemahaman yang sama.
Setiap hari setelah mereka berdua menyelesaikan semua urusan di kantor, Sandi akan datang ke
rumah perempuan itu yang berlokasi di Cipete dan melanjutkan aktivitas yang biasanya mereka
lakukan di Singapura. Tapi kali ini mereka lebih sering menghabiskan waktu melakukan hal lain —
hal yang biasanya dilakukan oleh pasangan-pasangan lain — seperti makan malam bersama, mengo-
brol tentang keluarga masing-masing, ataupun tentang hubungan pribadi mereka. But still without
attachments, without the need to make it official.
But Sandi knew it was too good to be true, he knew they were destined for failure, he just didn’t know which
237
 one of them would pull the plug.
“I have to go to my dad, he has a check-up today,” Sandi menjelaskan.
“Is he okay?”
“He’s fine, just a check-up.” Laki-laki itu menjawab dengan senyuman tipis dan pada malam itu, ia tidak
tahu ekspresi apa yang ada di wajah perempuan itu.
He wasn’t sure if she was okay with it. But she’s supposed to be.
Ada periode di mana mereka senang, bahagia, tenang dengan kehadiran satu sama lain. Tapi setelah
Tapi ketika stroke kedua datang dan kondisi ayahnya jauh lebih buruk setelah itu, Sandi terpaksa
menjadi tulang punggung keluarga. Sandi terpaksa menyampingkan semua keinginannya untuk
tetap bersenang-senang agar ia bisa menemani ayahnya, membantu ibunya mengerjakan beberapa
tugas rumah dan tetap menjadi kakak yang baik untuk Andin yang kesulitan beradaptasi dengan
kampus barunya di mana ia melanjutkan S2.
Jadi di antara semua kesibukannya, ia tidak sempat bertemu dengan si perempuan yang masih di
Jakarta, menempati apartemennya yang lebih sering kosong beberapa tahun terakhir tapi kali ini ia
isi. Pertama kali Sandi menginjakkan kaki di sana, perabotannya masih ditutup dengan plastik, tidak
ada makanan di kabinet, kulkasnya juga kosong. Namun setelah 3 bulan ditempati, apartemen itu
mulai terlihat seperti… rumah, bukan investasi jangka panjang yang ia beli hanya karena ia memiliki
uang lebih untuk membelinya.
Dan Sandi memasuki apartemen itu dengan tergesa-gesa karena ia sudah berjanji akan menemani si
perempuan makan malam bersama — sebuah effort — namun ternyata ayahnya sedang ingin bubur
dari tempat favoritnya di Senopati dan Sandi harus membeli makanan itu terlebih dahulu, mengan-
tarkannya ke Kemayoran dan baru melajukan mobil ke Senayan lagi. Saat ia memasuki apartemen
yang sepi itu, dengan satu bouquet berisi mawar merah di tangan, makanan yang di atas konter
sudah dingin dan si perempuan sudah tertidur pulas di atas sofa dengan televisi masih menyala.
“San?” Ia menanyakan setelah ia merasakan kehadiran laki-laki itu di depannya.
“I’m sorry I —”
Perempuan itu berdiri, jidat berkerut, “It’s just… I’m so tired of this, San, I’m so fucking tired.”
Sandi dapat merasakan jantungnya jatuh ke perut, terkoyak-koyak ketika mendengar pernyataan itu
keluar dari bibir perempuan di depannya, “Al, just let me explain.”
“No, because I understand, I understand you have to care for your dad but it’s just… I don’t think I can do this
anymore.”
“Kenapa?”
“I just can’t, I don’t think I can.”
Sandi tahu kenapa. Perempuan itu terlahir dari keluarga yang kaya raya, orang-tua yang sukses, nama
belakang yang kuat, koneksi yang banyak tapi di belakang itu semua, ada ekspektasi dari kedua
orang-tuanya yang berlebihan. There’s her parents’ ambitions, her parents’ needs for her to make a name for
238
herself, her parents’ expectations towards her. Jadi ketika ia bertemu Sandi — seorang laki-laki yang tidak
peduli dengan latar belakangnya, yang rela membantu orang asing di tengah-tengah bandara — per-
empuan itu mengira kali ini ada sesuatu yang kedua orang-tuanya tidak akan bisa rampas darinya:
laki-laki yang mengertinya dengan sepenuhnya.
Tapi kali ini ia merasa sedikit terkhianati karena bahkan ketika ia merasa ia telah menemukan ses-
eorang yang akan menempatkan dirinya di atas orang lain, malapetaka datang dan ia harus merasa
dikesampingkan lagi. Itu bukan salahnya — dan jelas bukan salah Sandi juga — tapi ia tidak ingin
tertidur lagi di sofa, menunggu seseorang yang ia tidak yakin akan datang.
“Al, listen to me.” Sandi mengambil satu langkah ke depan, melingkarkan tangannya di sekitar perge-
langan tangan perempuan itu.
Ia menghempaskannya, “Sandi, I think you should leave.”
“Al —”
“San, please… leave.”
Hal yang paling menakutkan dan yang paling menyayat hati adalah intonasi tenang dari perempuan
itu, it’s scary how she could be that calm in said situation.
Jadi itu yang Sandi lakukan. Ia menaruh bouquet bunga di atas meja ruang tamu, memutar badannya
dan berjalan keluar dari apartemen itu, menutup pintu di belakangnya, keluar dari hidup si perem-
puan selamanya.
(Or so he thought.)
Beberapa minggu setelah itu, ketika Sandi baru memasukkan laptop miliknya ke dalam tas dan
sedang mencari kunci mobil yang ia taruh di meja cubicle-nya, ada pesan singkat yang masuk dari
si perempuan. Ia sedang di Jakarta dan baru selesai masak sop buntut — makanan favorit Sandi —
dan ia mengajaknya untuk makan bersama di apartemen. Sandi, yang pagi itu beradu mulut dengan
ayahnya, menyetujui ajakan itu dan langsung bergegas ke apartemen yang sama di mana ia disambut
dengan parfum familier, bibir manis dan akhirnya, di penghujungan malam, lenguhan-lenguhan
tidak asing lagi di atas tempat tidur.
Setelah itu ia memakai kemejanya kembali dan langsung pulang; si perempuan tidak ingin dirinya
untuk menetap dan Sandi masih berusaha untuk menata hatinya yang masih kacau.
Tapi pesan-pesan itu terus berdatangan dan karena ia — kodratnya — adalah seorang laki-laki biasa,
tidak bisa menolak. They’d meet, they’d kiss, they’d sleep with each other. Masih tanpa status, masih tanpa
keinginan untuk mengikat satu sama lain, masih dengan jarak di antara mereka yang mereka buat
untuk melindungi diri mereka masing-masing.
Sandi tidak keberatan dengan perjanjian tersebut, lagipula ia tahu dirinya masih terlalu sibuk untuk
terikat di dalam satu hubungan. Jadi apapun yang mereka miliki pada saat itu, ia terima. Ia melihat
perempuan itu sebagai ‘119’-nya, someone he could rely on, someone he knew could give him the best fix after
a long day, someone he truly needed. Dan meskipun beberapa kali ia melihat kontaknya di ponsel per-
empuan itu sebagai ‘DON’T TEXT HIM’, ia tidak peduli. Mungkin yang orang dewasa abad ke-21 ini
butuhkan hanyalah kehadiran seseorang yang mengetahui apa yang mereka inginkan bahkan sebelum
mereka dapat mengakuinya secara verbal.
239
 He didn’t know if that was his lowest, constantly feeling empty, having to carry the burden of being the main
breadwinner in his family, having to do all of the house works alone.
Saat itu ia tersadar, selama ini ia mempersiapkan diri untuk titik terendah hidupnya — mengira ia
akan terpuruk dalam segi finansial — tapi ternyata titik terendahnya adalah ketika ia duduk di atas
kasur dengan berjuta-juta cerita tentang kehidupan di kantor, tentang hal-hal lucu yang terjadi pada
hari itu, tentang konser yang ingin ia datangi bulan berikutnya, tapi tidak menemukan seseorang
yang dapat ia ajak berbagi semua hal itu dengan.
***
PA RT I I I : TA P I S E L A L U A DA K E S E I M B A N G A N
From: 119
> My place tonight?
To: 119
> Wouldn’t miss it.
Sandi tahu ia sedang berada di lingkaran setan, di mana ia berjanji kepada dirinya sendiri setiap ia
memasuki apartemen berwangi lavender itu bahwa ia akan berhenti. Ini terakhir kalinya ia akan
menginjakkan kaki di sana, terakhir kalinya ia akan membenamkan wajahnya di ceruk leher perem-
puan itu, terakhir kalinya ia akan memberikan ciuman di bibirnya atau menghimpit badan perem-
puan itu dengan miliknya.
Ia tahu ‘hubungan’ mereka sudah mulai tidak sehat — apalagi ketika si perempuan mengaku bahwa
ia tidak melihat masa depan dengan Sandi. Apalagi ketika sekarang Sandi sudah berumur 29 tahun
dan adiknya — si bungsu Andin — sudah mulai mengencani laki-laki yang sepertinya akan men-
gajaknya untuk melanjutkan ke jenjang yang lebih serius. Apalagi ketika sekarang omongan racau
ayahnya sudah mulai menyerempet ke topik pernikahan, bagaimana pria paruh baya itu ingin meli-
hat anak laki-lakinya menikah.
Jadi apa yang dikejar oleh Sandi jika si perempuan tidak bisa melihat masa depan dengan dirinya?
Apa yang Sandi inginkan dari ‘hubungan’ mereka? Apa yang ia berharap akan terjadi?
Sore hari itu, laki-laki yang sebentar lagi akan menginjak umur kepala 3 turun dari kantornya di lan-
tai 25 dari Menara Mandiri dan berjalan ke arah Ashta District 8 untuk membelikan si perempuan
kopi favoritnya dari Arabica. Ia sempat ingin mengabarkan adiknya bahwa dirinya sedang dekat
dengan gedung apartemen yang ia sewa namun mengurungkan niatnya ketika ia tahu bahwa Andin
akan menanyakan pertanyaan yang ia akan kesulitan untuk menjawab.
Sandi memasukkan ponselnya kembali ke dalam kantong celana yang ia kenakan, melihat menu yang
terpampang di atas sambil membacanya padahal ia sudah tahu minuman apa yang akan ia pesan.
(Iced Kyoto Latte, her favorite). Ia memesan, membayar dan menunggu dengan tenang di sebelah para
barista yang bekerja, menunggu namanya dipanggil oleh salah satu dari mereka.
Ketika minumannya sudah jadi dan ia sudah mengambil sedotan dan bertekad untuk langsung mela-
jukan mobilnya ke apartemen si perempuan, ada seseorang di ujung matanya yang menyita perhati-
annya. Ia berhenti berjalan dan dan membuat keputusan sepersekian detik untuk berjalan ke ar-
240
ahnya; ia sahabat adiknya, jika seseorang yang ia kenal melihat adiknya di suatu tempat, ia berharap
mereka akan menyapanya. Seperti yang ia lakukan ke Malika pada sore hari itu.
“Mal?” Ia memanggil, memecahkan lamunan perempuan itu.
Malika menengadah, kelihatan terkejut dengan kehadiran kakak laki-laki sahabatnya, “Eh, Kak?
Ngapain di sini?”
Sandi tahu jika ia mengatakan alasan sebenarnya Malika akan langsung mengadu ke Andin dan
semuanya akan hancur lagi, ia harus memulai dari awal lagi, jadi ia menaruh gelas plastik itu di atas
meja, tepat di depan hot chocolate milik Malika. Laki-laki itu duduk di kursi kosong depan perem-
puan itu, ingin mengobrol sebentar untuk sekedar menemani.
Meskipun Malika sudah berumur 25 tahun dan sudah menjadi auditor di salah satu kantor Big 4,
kadang-kadang Sandi masih melihatnya sebagai perempuan yang suka datang ke rumahnya setiap
minggu membawa ratusan cerita yang ia tumpahkan ke Andin. Ia sedikit terkesan karena
persahabatan mereka berdua dapat berlangsung selama itu.
“Baru balik kantor, nunggu macetnya reda dulu,” jawab Sandi.
Malika mengangguk mengerti, “Biasa balik jam segini emangnya?”
“Kalo engga ada rapat, iya, lo?”
Bahkan tanpa jawaban Malika, Sandi tahu tidak mungkin seorang auditor dapat sudah dengan santai
menyesap cokelat panasnya pada jam 6 sore. Perempuan di depannya itu tertawa dan menggeleng,
“Nope, biasanya baru keluar kantor jam 9 kalo cepet, kalo standar mah jam 11.”
“Shit,” Sandi berkomentar, ia tahu dirinya beruntung karena tidak pernah merasakan jam kerja yang
separah itu, “that bad?”
“That bad.” Malika menghangatkan kedua telapak tangannya di atas tutup gelas kertas miliknya, “Ser-
ing nongkrong di sini, Kak?”
“Engga sih tapi mayan deket sama kantor dan gue suka Arabica, plus, si Andin kan di atas tuh.”
“Mahal tapi Arabica.”
“Tapi lo di sini.”
Malika tersenyum tipis, “Gue tuh nunggu orang… I’m supposed to be on a date right now.”
Laki-laki itu menarik sikunya dari atas meja dan melihat ke arah kanan dan kiri, mencari orang yang
sekiranya terlihat kebingungan karena teman kencannya sedang memiliki teman mengobrol, “Di
mana dia?”
“That’s the problem,” ia berhenti sejenak, “I think he bailed on me.”
“Damn… sorry.”
Perempuan itu mengedikkan bahunya, “Oh well, what can I expect?”
241
 “You deserve better.”
Sandi tidak tahu perkataan itu keluar dari mana, ketika ia menyadari bobot kalimat itu, Malika
sudah terlanjur menelannya dengan pelan-pelan dan mata mereka berdua beradu. He’s the last person
who should say that, considering the ‘situationship’ that he’d gotten himself into. Seharusnya Sandi tidak
memberikan nasehat tentang siapa yang memang pantas mendapatkan yang lebih baik karena
dirinya sendiri pun sedang terjebak di hubungan yang kurang mengenakkan.
Tapi ketika ia melihat mata Malika lekat-lekat sambil mencoba untuk memproses semuanya — dan
menata hati serta pikirannya yang masih kacau — ia rasa ia melakukan hal yang benar, memberikan
pernyataan yang memang dibutuhkan untuk seorang Malika saat itu. Melontarkan nasehat yang
seharusnya ia terima juga. You deserve better. I deserve better.
Jadi Sandi mengambil sedotan, membuka kertas penutupnya dan menancapkannya di atas gelas plas-
tik berisikan kopi yang seharusnya ia berikan kepada perempuan yang masih menunggu di aparte-
men miliknya. Laki-laki itu menyesap minuman pahit tersebut, mengernyit dengan rasanya.
Malika tertawa, “Engga enak, Kak?”
“Not worth the price, in my opinion.”
“Same sentiment.”
Mereka berdua tidak pernah mengobrol berdua sebelumnya dan biasanya kalopun mereka berbicara
dengan satu sama lain pasti topiknya tidak akan jauh-jauh dari Andin, Andin dan Andin lagi. Selain
jarak umur yang terpaut lumayan jauh, Sandi merasa canggung jika harus berbicara dengan sahabat
adiknya meskipun setiap kali mereka bertemu — sejak kecil — pasti Andin selalu mendorong Malika
pelan-pelan ke arah Sandi, menyuruh perempuan itu duduk di sebelah kakaknya, terkadang mem-
berikan candaan kecil tentang cinta monyet Malika terhadap kakaknya.
Sandi tidak pernah menanggapinya dengan serius, mengerti bahwa adiknya memang suka usil.
Tapi kali itu, di kafe Arabica yang overpriced sambil menikmati kopi (Sandi) dan coklat panas (Ma-
lika), Sandi melihat perempuan itu sebagai… Malika. Seorang lulusan universitas ternama di Indone-
sia, seorang anak perempuan pertama yang harus menjadi tangguh, seorang auditor dari kantor yang
bergengsi dan menguras tenaga. Sandi tidak lagi melihatnya sebagai Malika sahabat dari adiknya. He
started to see her as her.
Setelah minuman mereka masing-masing sudah habis dan kemacetan di luar terlihat sudah mulai
mereda, Sandi mengantarkan perempuan itu ke lobi depan di mana ia sedang menunggu pesanan
ojek online-nya untuk datang. Di dalam kurun waktu 3 jam itu kencannya tidak pernah datang dan
meskipun ada setidaknya seratus pesan singkat dari si perempuan yang kopinya tidak pernah sampai
di depan pintunya, Sandi berhasil mengabaikan mereka semua.
Dan di dalam kurun waktu 3 jam, Sandi dapat bercerita tentang kondisi ayahnya yang membaik,
tentang candaan-candaan keuangan yang dimengerti oleh Malika, tentang politik kantor yang
membingungkan, tentang dunia yang sedang bergerak dengan sangat cepat. Sebaliknya Malika juga
bercerita tentang tekanan yang ia rasakan dari keluarganya, tentang sulitnya menemukan
keseimbangan di antara pekerjaan dan kehidupan pribadinya, tentang bagaimana ia berharap bahwa
dengan pergi berkencan ia akan mulai bisa memberi waktu untuk dirinya sendiri, mulai mengerti
bahwa hidup tidak selamanya tentang pekerjaan.
242
Sandi never expected that he’d enjoy talking to her, never expected that it’d feel easy talking to her.
Ketika ojek miliknya sudah sampai dan ia berpamitan dengan Sandi, laki-laki itu menuruni tangga
dengan cepat sebelum berkata, “Are you free next Friday?”
Malika terdiam sebentar, mungkin untuk mempertimbangkan tawaran itu, untuk melihat apakah
tawaran itu setimpal dengan membahayakan persahabatannya. Perempuan itu mengambil helm hijau
dari genggaman si pengendara motor dan mengangguk, “Iya, harusnya sih balik cepet, nanti gue izin,
kenapa, Kak?”
“I know a good coffee place, miles better than Arabica, would you like to try?”
Lawan bicaranya tersenyum lebih lebar, seakan-akan ia sudah menunggu pertanyaan itu untuk
keluar dari mulut Sandi selama ini, “I’d love to.”
“Nice, I’ll pick you up from your office.”
“Cool.”
If a few years ago someone stopped Sandi and told him that he’d be asking his little sister’s best-friend out on a
date, he’d probably laugh at their face and tell them off. But if a few years ago someone told him that he’d be
back in Jakarta, taking care of his sick dad, leaving his dream job in Singapore behind, he probably wouldn’t
have believed them either.
Yang ia sadari saat itu adalah: hidup tidak pernah bisa diprediksi. Terkadang seseorang akan merasa
dirinya berada di titik teratas, meraih prestasi yang banyak, berhasil membuat mimpi mereka menja-
di kenyataan tapi satu kemalangan kecil dapat membuat mereka tersungkur, menjatuhkan mereka ke
titik terendah di hidup mereka.
Saat ia berdiri di lobi, kedua tangannya di dalam kantong, melihat motor yang ditumpangi Malika
bergerak menjauh darinya, Sandi mengerti bahwa hidup harus selalu tentang keseimbangan. And
maybe he’d found his. Seseorang yang mengerti tekanannya, seseorang yang kenal dengan
keluarganya, seseorang yang siap menjadi pendengar yang baik, yang mampu mengerti semua jargon
yang ia lontarkan dengan tidak sengaja.
Di dalam mobil, ia membuka ponselnya.
To: 119
> Think we have to stop seeing each other.
From: 119
> Found someone?
To: 119
> You could say that.
243
 From: 119

> Understands your family’s situation?

To: 119

> More than anyone else.

From: 119

> Lucky.

To: 119

> Yeah, I am.

From: 119

> Her, too.

> Good luck, San, happy for you.

To: 119

> Thank you, Al.

Tidak ada pemberontakkan dari sisi lain, tidak ada telfon masuk, tidak ada proklamasi cinta dari
si perempuan di seberang sana. Rasanya ia juga tahu kalau hubungan mereka sudah terkutuk sejak
awal. Sebelum ia mengunci lagi gawai itu, ia berinisiatif untuk mengganti nama kontak si
perempuan.

Contact name changed to Alaïa S.

***

Alaïa Sambuaga is the second child of Christian Sambuaga, a Singaporean-based businessman

specializing in electrical machinery & equipment. Christian is the first child of Enzo Sambuaga (a
Manadonese-Singaporean businessman) & Crescencia Goh, the Gohs are Singaporean's top real
estate mogul with their own real estate company GohProperty that have been passed down for
generations. However, the Gohs almost went bankrupt in 2008 and if not for their close relations
with the Sambuagas, they would have lost all their estate and wealth.

Christian has one sister, Anne, who married Batam-based exporter and politician, Wahyu Radhana.
From this marriage, they are bestowed 3 kids: Gemma, Ghani and Gazi. Alaïa Sambuaga remains
mostly in Singapore but would occasionally fly back to Jakarta and Manado. She was last spotted
in Sentosa Island during her cousin’s — Gazi Radhana — wedding to his long-time girlfriend, Kaia
Ginandra.

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