1. Put the time in.

Many psychologists will point to experiencing failure as a valuable

step in the journey to success. It’s a critical learning tool, because
it forces you to dig into your own reservoir of grit. It tests your
perseverance and ultimately can make you stronger. “Failure really
can be an asset if we are trying to improve, learn or do something
new. It’s the feature that precedes nearly all successes. There’s
nothing shameful about being wrong, about changing course. Each
time it happens, we have new options. Problems become
opportunities,” writes Ryan Holiday, author of The Obstacle Is the
Way: The Timeless Art of Turning Trials into Triumph.

Mastery, of course, comes after getting really good at something.

The more time you put in, the more adept you feel, and ultimately,
the more confident you become. So taking action is the first step
to becoming confident. And if at first you fail, well, know that
you’re in good company and success is around the corner.

2. Know the difference.

“Confidence comes from a very authentic place, a very whole
place,” says life coach Valorie Burton, author of Successful Women
Speak Differently: 9 Habits That Build Confidence, Courage, and
Influence. “You believe in your abilities to do something. You show
up in a very secure way. Cockiness is not authentic. It’s based in
insecurity. It’s more about making other people think you’re
confident as opposed to being confident.”

Jennifer Kahnweiler, leadership consultant and author of The

Genius of Opposites: How Introverts and Extroverts Achieve
Extraordinary Results Together, says cockiness is the opposite of
humility. “To me cockiness indicates a lack of self-confidence.”

3. Leverage your inherent

confidence.
You’re more confident than you think. Just consider this: Making
everyday decisions, such as what to eat for lunch or what to text
your mom, requires a low level of confidence. “Every day we make
hundreds of decisions, almost unconsciously, that require basic
confidence,” Kay and Shipman write in The Confidence Code. Boost
your confidence by reminding yourself of all the successful small
decisions you make on a daily basis.

4. Discard the negative

thoughts you don’t need.
A whole new branch of psychology is dedicated to mindfulness, but
it boils down to this: Negative thoughts and insecurities pop up like
pimples. And, like pimples, picking at them—even if you mean to
discredit and burst that negative bubble—ultimately makes it
worse. So, mindfulness practice teaches you to treat thoughts as
tools. Use and strengthen the ones you need; discard the ones you
don’t.
5. Learn your confidence
areas.
It’s normal to be a confident athlete but decidedly unconfident
when it comes to public speaking. Or maybe you’re sure of yourself
at work but self-conscious in social situations. That’s OK. You don’t
have to be confident with everything. In fact, people who act sure
of themselves in all situations are probably either faking it or
overestimating their abilities. Being secure in your innate worth as
a person, even if you’re terrible at tennis or shy at parties, is
what matters. True confidence, according to Glenn R. Schiraldi,
Ph.D., author of The Self-Esteem Workbook, is an “honest,
appreciative opinion” of yourself that accounts for your strengths
and weaknesses.

So how does that translate to happiness? People who believe in

their innate worth “strive for excellence with less pressure or fear
of failure, since coming up short of a goal does not diminish who
they are as a person,” Schiraldi says. When you aren’t afraid of
failure, you try more new things and pursue more goals than people
who are.

6. Enter a state of
strong positive emotion.
To become receptive to new ideas, you must first get positive.
From this place, you can begin repeating your desired
characteristics in your mind, or aloud like a mantra.
Lady Gaga describes it like this: “And it’s not yet; it’s a lie. You’re
saying a lie, over and over and over again. And then one day the
lie is true.” Initially her circumstances did not reflect what she
was saying, and that’s how it’s going to be when you start doing
this kind of work. You have to live in that faith. You have to
believe it and know it. There has to be a certainty behind the
beautiful lies you keep repeating to yourself every day, the ones
about what you want your life to be.

7. Forgive yourself.
If your confidence is down, you might beat yourself up for not
being stronger, for the role you played in the toxic situation, or
for choosing a relationship with someone who hurt you. Aim to
understand the roots of your actions and forgive yourself. It’s only
human.

8. Recognize confident
role models.
The best way you can pinpoint positive role models is to think about
the people you know who embody positive behaviors. These are
people who are credible, accountable and service-oriented, who
have solid character and seem trustworthy.

Once you identify the people in your own life who exhibit spark
behavior, you have to develop and nurture these relationships.
Engage the people you admire and respect on a consistent basis,
whether through conversations over coffee or ongoing email
exchanges. One colleague of ours makes it a point to schedule two
lunches each month with different people she admires. Her
conversations with them don’t hsve an agenda; this is simply her
way of maintaining the relationships she’s worked so hard to build.

Finally, we have to be open to input. If our role models are

challenging us, that’s a great thing. We need to get uncomfortable
in order to develop. Remember, no matter how much we want it,
change isn’t easy. But it can be made easier by a focused effort
to develop our confidence.

9. Celebrate the failures

of others (no, really).
Before they were considered legends, our highly regarded history
makers experienced failure. Study failure in addition to
success and realize that the victory of even our most iconic
influencers was built upon their conviction to continue after falling
short of perfection.

 Albert Einstein: Slow to speak and read, Einstein’s parents

thought he was “sub-normal,” and one of his teachers
described him as “mentally slow, unsociable and adrift forever
in foolish dreams.” It took Einstein nine years after
graduating college to obtain a position in academia.
 Babe Ruth: Ruth chewed tobacco and drank whiskey by the
time he was 8 years old. The first time Ruth led the
American League in home runs in 1918, he also led the league
in strikeouts.
  The Wright brothers: The brothers crashed their first two
airplane creations before making more than 700 successful
flights with their third glider.
 Beyoncé: When scandal erupted after the original Destiny’s
Child members were ousted from the group, the remaining
group members harnessed the public shame to catapult
themselves to success by penning the award-winning song
“Survivor.” Beyoncé is now a household name with a cult-like
following (Hello Beyhive!).

10. Don’t feel the need

to say yes.
Research conducted at the University of California in San Francisco
shows that the more difficulty you have saying no, the more likely
you are to experience stress, burnout and even depression.
Confident people know that saying no is healthy, and they have the
self-esteem to make their no’s clear. When it’s time to say no,
confident people avoid phrases such as “I don’t think I can” or “I’m
not certain.” They say no with confidence because they know saying
no to a new commitment honors their existing commitments and
gives them the opportunity to successfully fulfill them.

11. Never confuse

memory with facts.
Our memory does not store information exactly as it’s presented to
us. Instead we extract the gist of the experience and store it in
ways that makes the most sense to us. That’s why different people
witnessing the same event often have different versions.

Your brain has a built-in confirmation bias. That means it stores

information that is consistent with your own beliefs, values and
self-image. This selective memory system helps keep the brain
from getting overloaded with too much information.

So recognize that your memory does not always provide you with
accurate information. For example if you have low self-esteem,
your brain tends to store information that confirms your lack of
confidence. That will be all you remember about a specific event.

How to make it work for you: Revisit the facts of a memory loaded
with self-limiting beliefs and try to gain a more accurate
perspective on the event. Talk with others that might have a
different perspective.

12. Walk the walk.

Body language has long been noted for its relative importance to
what is actually said—and the body language of confidence has its
own gestural dialect. Studies back up the idea that using your
hands to reinforce what you’re saying will give a firmer impression
of your competence. On the flipside, keep your hands together
while listening to avoid unconscious fidgeting. Maintaining eye
contact while talking and listening makes you appear both
trustworthy and decisive.

13. Have a jam session.

We all have those days. You’re just not feeling it. Your boss gave
you less-than-positive feedback on the proposal you spent months
writing, you lost a bid on a huge account, and your lucky meeting
shirt has a huge stain. Those days leave you feeling
unproductive, unmotivated and unsure of your next move.

Sometimes all you need is a jam to pick you up out of your rut.
Start with this playlist—we’ve mixed a little new with a little old,
some upbeat tunes with some smooth jams.

14. Practice gratitude.

It’s another way to gain perspective after a setback. Jenn
Scalia faced challenges when she first started her business as a
visibility and confidence coach. After dealing with a layoff, divorce
and debt, the single mother knew she had to make some changes in
her life if she wanted to see improvement. She not only invested in
herself through online business and coaching courses, but also did
daily practices, which helped her turn things around from $0 to
half a million in revenue.

She says, “One of the first practices I committed to was doing

daily gratitude. It’s really simple and it’s a great starting point for
anyone who wants to start attracting more abundance in their lives.
Every night, I would reflect on all of the amazing things that I
experienced in my life. From running water to a compliment from a
friend to getting a new client. Gratitude allows you to focus on the
positive things in life—a lot of things we take for granted—and put
you in a positive, high vibe.”

15. Use humor.

On the humorous side, remember your inner Stuart Smalley
from Saturday Night Live. He said, “I’m good enough. I’m smart
enough. And, doggone it, people like me!” While a silly reference, it
reminds people of a simple mantra: Of course, you can do this. Of
course, you are going to get it right. Of course, you are good at
this.

16. Stop comparing.

Seriously.
Each of us has a unique mark to make on the world, and when we
are caught up comparing ourselves to others, it only leaves us
feeling less than or not enough in some way and diminishes our
capacity to make the impact we alone can make.

The fact is, most of your comparisons are unfair because you have
a tendency to compare…

 Your weaknesses to others’ strengths

 Your insides to others’ outsides
 Where you are now starting out against someone who’s been in
the game far longer

17. Identify your fears.

Perception is key in such situations, so I ask myself, What is it
about the situation that might seem intimidating? Our mind creates
our experiences, and when we are oblivious, it will do so based on
past experiences, which can result in fear-based predictions that
aren’t real. We have the power to create the experience
and choose to overcome fear by shifting our perception of
situations. We can view situations that might seem intimidating as
ones that will lead to further growth and ultimately success.

How to Be Bold
“Begin, be bold and venture to be wise.”
Horace
If you're shy, hesitant, or passive, you run the risk
of leading a boring life marked by routine and
unfulfilled goals. Most progress has been led by
people who were bold–scientists, political servants,
artists, and others who didn't wait for opportunities;
they created opportunities. So if you want to be bold
and unstoppable, here are some ways to kick start
your momentum.
1. Pretend you're already bold.
If you were to switch places with somebody who is as
bold as bold can be, what would they do in your
shoes? If you already know someone who's bold,
imagine how they'd act. If you don't know anyone like
that, think of a character from a movie or book
who's daring and brave. Spend one hour a day or one
day a week pretending to be them.
When you do this, go somewhere that people don't
know you and won't act surprised when you do things
that are out of character. Go through the motions
and see what happens — you might discover that
amazing things happen when you're bold, and you
might be convinced to carry this bold behavior into
your everyday life.

2. Make the first move.

Whenever you're feeling hesitant–especially in your
interactions with others–swallow your pride and make
the first move. Ask your acquaintance if they'd like
to go to the bar down the street for drinks after
work. Tell the person you fancy that you've got two
tickets to a concert and you'd like them to come
with you. Give your significant other a big hug and
apologize for that time you overreacted a few
months ago. Smile and wink at the attractive
cashier.
3. Do something unpredictable.
What could you do that would completely surprise
the people who know you? Wear high heels?
Skydive? Take a dance class? Bold people aren't
afraid of trying new things, and one of the reasons
they're so exciting to be around is that they keep
you guessing.
You can start small, perhaps by wearing a color or
style of clothing that you don't normally wear, or
visiting a place you normally wouldn't
visit. Eventually, you may get to the point where you
entertain ideas that make other people's eyes widen
when you mention them

Rather than wait to be recognized for your efforts,

or expect someone to consider your needs, step right
up to the plate and ask.
Some people feel that asking for things is greedy,
selfish, and rude — and it is, if you're asking for
something you don't deserve. But if someone is
withholding something that you've rightfully earned,
they're the ones being greedy, selfish, and rude.
Besides, what's the worst that could happen? They
say no. Life goes on.
 Ask for that promotion or pay raise you've been

waiting (and working) for.

 Ask for a discount. A little haggling can go a long

way. The phrase “What can you do for me?” is an

easy and powerful way to save money.
 Ask to have your credit card's annual fee waived.
  Ask a relative, friend, or even a complete
stranger for help or advice.
 Ask for clarification if you're not sure what is

expected of you.
5. Take risks.
There's a difference between being reckless and
accepting risks. Reckless people don't accept risks…
they don't even think about them. A bold person, on
the other hand, is well aware of the risks, and has
decided to go through with the decision anyway,
ready and willing to accept the consequences if things
don't work out.