Butterflies

The leaves rustled like a choir of crunching sounds. A small coffee shop in a college
town was full of students studying. She was in the coffee shop because she found the chatter of
people helped her focus when she was studying. Her toe was digging a hole in the ground, her
leg bouncing up and down. She took a break from studying and picked up her latte. The
condensation left a ring on the table. She noticed this and used the sleeve of her sweater to
wipe it away. When she looked up from the table, she saw him. His curly golden hair that
flopped on his head as he bounded in the door. A goofy smile adorned his face. She quickly
jerked her head down and began “focusing” as he and his friends entered the shop. It was only
a matter of time before he saw her and her heart began to race. Stupid butterflies, she thought
as she absent-mindedly glossed over her laptop screen.
Cece, fancy seeing you here, the shaggy-haired boy chuckled. This was his ongoing
joke about her, always studying in this coffee shop.
Hello Max, she blushed and took a sip of her coffee trying to hide her face.
She and Max had been on a few dates already, but the thrill of seeing him never seemed
to subside, especially the butterflies in her stomach. Max was the first boy in college who really
took a liking to her. He’d come to her door and ask her to go on walks. She liked their late night
talks, she felt like she was getting to know him better than she’d ever known anyone else. Sure,
she’d kissed another boy or two, but no one made her heart squirm quite as much as Max.
You coming to the party tonight?
Erm, no well I am not sure I have a lot of studying to do.
Well all the guys’ll be there, he said, pointing over his shoulder to his friends looking at
him and Cece. They were waiting on Max to leave and go about their day. Max blushed then
and Cece smiled, knowing that was a good sign.
Sure, I might pop by.
Great, I’ll see you then.
He waved as he turned around, picking up his coffee from the counter. Cece saw his
friends smack his back and she could tell he was smiling. She looked back down at her
homework, but she suddenly found it hard to focus.
That night, she was getting ready for the party. She’d found her favorite jeans at the
bottom of the laundry. They had passed the smell test. She added a black tank top and felt
prepared after taking two shots of vodka for courage. Her roommate Selene was coming with
her and got ready next to her. Selene was skinny, her collarbones were always on display, and
she had this sultry look about her that made the boys go crazy. Cece was not like this. She felt
fat in everything she owned and sat in front of the mirror, investigating every inch of herself. Her
body dysmorphia was an illness she tangled with since she was a young girl. Cece had always
struggled with her idea of her own weight. She was never fat in reality, but her mind contorted
her feelings and made her feel like a balloon just waiting to pop. This made Cece very self
conscious around Selene who she saw all the time.
Hey you look great, Selene said as she put on her mascara, her face contorting to
spread the black liquid on her lashes evenly.
I don’t really love the whole party scene like you do.
Ah well, you just gotta loosen up a bit.
Yeah that’s what all the vodka’s for, she stuck her tongue out and giggled.
 Are you sure there’s nothing else that’s bothering you? You seem nervous?
Oh no nothing really, just the party that’s all, Cece lied. She didn’t want to talk about
Max. Selene knew she wasn’t a big fan of him. Selene couldn't explain why she thought this, it
was just a gut feeling she had.
She continued to apply her mascara as Cece looked into the mirror yet again. I think
another shot is in order, Cece thought as she walked over and drank some more shitty vodka.
They walked into the house party, the humidity of bodies hitting them in the face. Selene
grimaced, making Cece laugh. They crossed the dance floor, bumping into sweaty bodies, their
hands intertwined. Cece led them to the kitchen. There they made their own drinks, concoctions
of sprite, rum, and pineapple juice, the only thing drinkable from the array of beers and hard
liquor on the kitchen counter. Selene tapped Cece on the shoulder as she was finishing making
her drink.
I think I am going to talk to that guy over there. Selene pointed off into the crowd at a tall
man Cece had never seen before. Will you be alright? Selene’s eyes were really wide and
looked like a deer’s.
Of course! Cece shouted over the music. Selene walked away and Cece saw her tap on
the man’s shoulder. Well shit, Cece thought and took a big gulp of her drink. She suddenly
missed Selene’s presence, the familiarity of her. Max was nowhere in sight and she didn’t know
anyone here. The more she drank, the better it tasted, and soon she was refilling her glass.
There you are, Max shouted over the music. Cece turned quickly, tripping over her own
foot a bit and stumbling forward. He put his hands out to catch her, but she straightened herself
before he could be of any use. She hiccupped loudly.
Enjoying yourself, I see.
She said, Oh yes, very much so. Being alone in the kitchen, I’m the life of the party. Her
lips had started to feel numb from all the alcohol.
He leaned back against the counter, folding his arms. She noticed how some veins stuck
out in his forearm and how muscular he looked with his arms crossed like that. She was
suddenly self conscious, crossing her legs and arms to take up as little space as possible.
You look nice, he said.
Oh, thanks. Cece looked at the floor, suddenly feeling a bit sweaty. She unwound
herself, realizing she probably looked like a drunk pretzel or something stupid like that. Max
began fixing himself a drink, turning his back to her.
So you’re friends with all these people?
His back shook as he laughed and replied, Absolutely not. I mean, I know the guys from
my dorm and a few people from classes, but I don’t know most of these people. Cece bit the
side of her cup anxiously, the numbness from the alcohol beginning to extend to her fingers and
toes. She felt bolder than usual. He turned back and held her eyes with his. The empty cup
dropped from Cece’s mouth and they laughed. She leaned over to pick up the cup and looked
up to see him bending down as well. She stood up quickly and muttered a whoops. Max
laughed again, and she turned bright red.
Do I make you nervous?
Shit, am I that obvious?
He stepped closer to her. Cece could feel his breath on her face as she looked up at
him. He kissed her so suddenly that she instinctively stepped back.
 Oh, she said, touching her lips. Max looked squeamish as he began to apologize, but
then Cece kissed him back. This was a new thing for Cece. She had always let boys initiate
anything physical, but something about Max was different, at least that’s what she told herself. It
wasn’t a difference she could explain, it was more of a fuzzy feeling that made her feel fuller,
more complete. Max did this to her and that was all she knew for sure. They broke away after a
while.
Max said, Wow, with a smirk on his face. Cece straightened, remembering they were at
a party with other people. Max took her hand and squeezed it. She could feel his pulse.
I like you, like I really do.
I like you too.
They spent the rest of the night talking about nothing as well as everything. He felt like
an old friend, like they’d known each other longer than just a few weeks. They went home
together that night. Cece had seen Selene go home with the boy she’d been chatting up earlier,
not even bothering to say bye to her before leaving the party. They walked into Cece’s room.
Her half was noticeably cleaner than Selene’s, and she knew Max would notice this.
Wow, you’re such a slob, he joked.
I’ll get drinks. What do you want? Cece asked, ignoring Max.
Whatever you’re having.
She could tell he was invested in her room. His eyes darted back and forth over her
walls. This wasn’t his first time in her room, but it felt like he was looking at her naked by how
intensely he analyzed her photos and knickknacks on her desk. This had been their routine.
Max always came back to her place, and they’d laugh, talk, and kiss. Cece thought Max was a
good kisser, better than the other boys she’d kissed anyway. Tonight, they continued their
routine of talking, laughing, and kissing.
Max finally pulled away. You're so stiff, it's like kissing a board. Cece laughed and
muttered oops.
You know I’m not big on touching.
Well, you kind of have to touch to kiss, Max said and shook her shoulders jokingly.
There now you’re all loose. She poked him in the ribs, making him wriggle.
You suck, he said and then kissed her, but this time more slowly. After a while, they
came up for air. You wanna take this further? He asked tentatively.
Cece’s eyes went wide. She wasn’t very experienced when it came to sex, but she’d
wanted to sleep with him for a while now. It felt like they were moving slowly compared to
Cece’s other relationships. They’d been in a sexual limbo for a few weeks now and Cece had
been really wanting to go further.
I thought you’d never ask, she smiled.

Cece felt like her relationship with Max had shifted ever since they had sex. They
continued to see each other and spend their nights together. Now though, their relationship
consisted of hunkering down in one of their rooms and spending the night together. They rarely
went out on dates and when they did, they were more casual. When they got together he
seemed distracted, his phone would buzz nonstop and he would immediately respond.
Who’s that?
 No one really. He’d cover his phone quickly and that would be the end of their
conversation.
This was not what Cece wanted, she wanted romance and cute dates and a boyfriend.
She wanted the old Max. Cece could feel him pulling away before he could even make that
commitment to her. What had she done? Was she too annoying, was she too ugly, was she not
skinny enough, was she not enough? She thought she hadn’t done anything wrong, but her
mind continued to spiral. Max apparently thought differently of her than he used to, this was
obvious to Cece now. She tried to grasp onto him or at least the idea of him. All Cece got in
return was radio silence.
Max’s silence crushed her. She’d never been so vulnerable with someone like she’d
been with him. She wasn’t the kind of girl that just had casual sex, she thought. Selene tried to
comfort her.
Do you want to go to a movie? You love the movies.
No thanks, I’m good. Cece said from her bed.
Cece, come on you have to do something. Let’s go get dinner.
Can’t we just order in?
He’s sleeping with other people.
Who is?
Max. He’s a dirtbag. He’s sleeping with half of our dorm. I just needed to tell you, I found
out from Ashley down the hall, she slept with him last week.
Selene held Cece when she cried after telling her this. She cooed in her ear clichés like
he’s not worth it, you’re better off without him. Selene had thought something was off with Max
ever since she’d seen him out with some girls at a party a few weeks ago. He was hanging all
over some blonde, but she hadn’t told Cece this, for all she knew it was a fluke and nothing
would happen. She was wrong.
As Cece cried in Selene’s arms, she thought about all the things that Max had told her, I
really like you, You make me nervous, and she hurt.
I thought…we were going…to date, Cece said in between sobs.
Cece was a bad crier. It felt like the tears knocked the air out of her lungs and she
couldn’t breathe. This made her crying very gaspy. Cece hated that she cried like this, but she
couldn’t do anything about it.
Selene rubbed her head and replied, I thought so, too.
How… could he do that…to me? I’ve only…ever been honest…with…him and
now I got played, Cece sobbed into Selene’s shirt.
I know, I know. Shhhhh.
Cece cried until she fell asleep. Selene had left earlier after she’d brought some food
back and watched Dirty Dancing with her. Patrick Swayze always cheered Cece up. Cece woke
up angry. Angry at the world and at men and especially at Max. She was determined that the
next time she’d see him, she would tell him what she really thought of him now. She would call
him out on his bullshit and make him regret ever doing such a thing to her. He’d want her back
and she wouldn’t take him. She was too good for him.
After trying to avoid him for as long as possible, she finally saw him a month after Selene
had told her the truth. He came up to her and muttered a hello. His arm reached back to scratch
his neck. Cece’s mind screamed at her to tell him FUCK YOU and walk away. It was a blaring
alarm going off in her mind, but it was too late. Her stomach felt the familiar sense of butterflies,
a feeling she still hated.
I missed you, he said.
I missed you too, she said, and the butterflies won again.