What is it about narcissists that are so irresistibly attractive?

Like moths drawn to flames, us empaths seem to have a penchant for flying head-first into
dangerous friendships and soul-sucking relationships that leave us feeling exhausted and unhinged.
And yet, over and over again many of us fall into the same trap, often missing the vital life lessons
being presented.

Almost every week Sol and I receive emails inquiring about the dynamic between empaths and
narcissists. Having been burned by a number of different types of narcissists myself, I know just how
easy it is to fall into the heavy gravitational pull of such people. Like black holes, narcissists eat away
at your emotions, physical health, and sanity, profoundly manipulating and messing up your
perceptions and sensibilities.

Why is it that empaths and narcissists – two diametrically opposed types of people – feel an
almost magnetic pull towards each other? There are many theories, but at the heart of it, I believe
that it is Life’s way of restoring balance.

For example, let’s examine your typical empath. By nature empaths are deeply caring,
compassionate people. The empath’s purpose in life is to support healing in others, yet due to their
intense sensitivity, empaths often struggle to create healthy boundaries for themselves, giving in to
martyrdom, victimhood, co-dependency, and chronic self-sacrifice. Now, let’s examine your typical
narcissist. Due to various traumas, core wounds and conditionings, narcissists hide behind an
idealized self-image which is expressed as being highly charming and attractive, yet deeply
uncaring, indifferent, self-centered and cruel. Put empaths and narcissists together? Both come in
contact with their “inverted/reverse” selves, and both are forced to learn, grow and heal as a result
of such an experience (although this doesn’t always happen immediately, but through trial and
error). However, it is important for empaths to realize that they can never “heal” the narcissists in
their lives – any form of healing must originate within narcissist’s themselves.

4 Types of Narcissists All Empaths Should Look Out For

So many articles out there talk about “protecting” yourself from narcissists. Unfortunately, this
language promotes the disempowering notion that “other people are out to get you.” They’re not.
People act within the limits of their conscious capacity, and sometimes that involves hurting others.

The more you perceive yourself as a “victim” of narcissists/narcissism, the less capable you’ll be of
truly owning your personal power as an empath.

A big part of owning this personal power of yours is learning how to identify different types of
narcissists. The more conscious you are of them, the more consciously you’ll be able to behave and
make decisions in their presence.
Main Types

Interestingly there are actually two main types of narcissists:

Vulnerable Narcissists (VN’s)

These people are generally very sensitive and tend to be quiet or shy by nature. Yet to disguise their
chronic feelings of self-hatred and unworthiness, VN’s overcompensate by putting on a grandiose
mask, seeking to merge their identities with other idealized people. VN’s have an unshakeable need
to feel special about themselves and have little genuine regard for the feelings of others. VN’s are
primarily motivated by fear of rejection and abandonment, thus don’t have the capacity to
authentically love and care for others. Additionally, VN’s use emotional manipulation (such as
shaming, guilt-tripping and gaslighting) to secure sympathy and attention from others. Their lives are
fuelled by inferiority complexes which often stem from childhood mistreatment.

Invulnerable Narcissists (IN’s)

These people reflect the traditional image of the narcissist: that of a highly self-confident person,
cold and unempathetic person. IN’s, unlike VN’s, are thick-skinned and shamelessly seek for power,
glory, recognition, and pleasure. IN’s often suffer from god complexes, believing themselves to be
far superior to everyone else – and they have a pathological need to make that known.

Both types share similar traits such as using others to fuel their narcissistic delusions, blaming and
criticizing, lack of empathy, unfaithfulness and the need for power.

Subtypes

Both Vulnerable and Invulnerable Narcissistic personality types can be split down into the following
(unofficial) subtypes. Be aware that many of these subtypes can overlap with each other:

The Amorous Narcissist

Amorous Narcissists measure their self-worth and grandiosity by how many sexual conquests they
have under their belt. This type of person is known for using his/her charm to ensnare others with
flattery and gifts, but then quickly disposing of them once they become “boring” and when they
have met the narcissists needs (often sexual or image/status orientated). Amorous Narcissists are
the ultimate relationship con artists, “gold diggers” and heart-breakers. At first glance, they appear
highly attractive, alluring and amiable, but underneath they are only out to please and satiate their
own needs and desires.

The Compensatory Narcissist

Driven to compensate for past traumas, Compensatory Narcissists love creating larger-than-life
illusions of themselves and their achievements. In order to regain power and control over their lives,
this type of narcissist usually hunts out emotionally vulnerable people who will serve as the audience
to their fabricated stage acts. In reality, this type of narcissist is extremely sensitive to criticism and
will frequently look out for negative self-directed cues from others. Emotional abuse and
manipulation is a common method of control used by this type.

The Elitist Narcissist

This breed of person does anything to climb to the “top,” win and completely dominate others.
Elitist narcissists are convinced that they are better than everyone else often due to their
achievements or backgrounds (or simply the fact that they were born that way) and thus deserve
special treatment. Their sense of entitlement bleeds into every area of life, from work to the family
environment. Harboring a severely inflated ego, Elitist narcissists are skilled self-promoters,
braggers, and one-uppers. They have a cut-throat need to be the “best” and prove themselves to be
intellectually superior all the time and at all costs.

The Malignant Narcissist

The behavior of malignant narcissists often overlaps with that of psychopaths and those with
antisocial personality disorder. Malignant narcissists often have no regard or interest in moral vs.
immoral behavior and don’t feel remorse for their actions. This subgroup is characterized by an
arrogant and inflated sense of self-worth that delights in “outsmarting” others. This type of narcissist
can often be found in prisons, gangs, and drug rehabilitation centers, although many manage to run
afoul of the law.

***

Now that you have read through the different “flavors” of narcissism you might be thinking, “what
next?”

The most powerful way to regain your personal power as an empath in the face of narcissism is
learning how to respect your needs, desires, and boundaries. Often this involves severing contact
with such people.