The Process of Creating a Categories

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March 24, 2014
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DIFFERENTIATION
The process of creating a “self”
A relationship, by definition, requires more than one person. It
is the state of being related to another. If two persons become
emotionally and functionally one, there is no relationship. For
us to relate in an effective and satisfying way to one another,
we must first know who we are as individuals. This, in turn,
informs us about what we bring to a relationship. If we cannot
stand on our own, buoyed by a strong sense of our own
identity, we cannot stand together with any strength or
integrity.
Murray Bowen, a psychiatrist and pioneer in the field of Family
Therapy, has heavily influenced my thinking in this regard.
Bowen’s work centered on the concept of “differentiation” as a
critical goal in human development. Bowen stressed the
importance of creating a well-differentiated sense of “self”; a
clear idea of who we are and who we choose to be in protected by reCAPTCHA
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relationship to others. Once we are clear about who
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we are ready to explore who we are together.

If we are well differentiated, we are able to identify who we are
and what we think, feel and believe, and are able to state this in
a clear, calm manner. If we are well differentiated, we can take

“I position” stands and not blame our emotional responses on

the behaviors of others. If we are well differentiated, we are
able to remain clear headed in the face of conflict and
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respond/act on the basis of our beliefs. If we are well
differentiated, we can be in the presence of others who are
experiencing strong emotions without becoming engulfed by
those emotions. We can reflect on what we are hearing and
observing, but still remain calm enough to reflect upon the
response we choose to offer. We define ourselves, rather than
being defined by others.
If we are well differentiated, we can also tolerate
separateness. It does not cause us to feel anxious, but
becomes an opportunity for reflection and growth. If we are
apart from others, we do not feel lost, lonely or “undefined.”
We do not rush to fill the void, demanding that our partner or
others “be there” for us. Our sense of self remains strong.
If we do not achieve adequate differentiation, we remain
emotionally “fused.” If we are emotionally fused, feelings
overwhelm thinking. We become overwhelmed and confused
and have di"culty distinguishing our ideas and beliefs from
those of others or our feelings from the feelings of another.
We can assume that others must agree with us, or we can feel
irresistibly pulled into taking on the ideas and beliefs of
others. Hence, if we are emotionally fused, we may attempt to
draw others into our subjective experience, demanding that
they feel and react the same way. Or we may adapt to what
others think and say without giving thought to what we think
or how we might wish to respond. In the world of the fused
person, this is regarded as love, loyalty and understanding. In
the world of mental health, fusion is not confused with love,
loyalty and understanding. If we are emotionally fused, we lack
the clarity to listen carefully, reflect thoughtfully and approach

situations from a position of empathy. Without this ability,

there is a limited capacity for love and understanding. Instead,
we experience identification and dependency. The anxiety
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produced by this kind of relationship continues to fuel
unhealthy patterns of interaction.
Another manifestation of emotional fusion can be the creation
of a “distance/pursuer” dynamic. In this scenario, one person
over-functions while the other under-functions. The over-
functioning partner attempts to keep the relationship going by
compensating for the inadequacies of the under-functioning
partner, even offering excuses for this person. The over-
functioning partner also typically attempts to coerce or bully
the under-functioning partner into meeting his/her needs,
often with poor results. In contrast, the under-functioning
partner typically takes a passive stance, making half-hearted
attempts to meet the requests/demands of the over-
functioning partner, or ignoring these requests/demands
altogether.
A third manifestation of fusion and the emotional reactivity
this generates is emotional disengagement. If we are
emotionally fused, we have di"culty tolerating our own
emotions and the strong emotions of others. While this may
create conflict and chaos in our relationships, it can just as
easily generate the strong desire to emotionally disengage.
When this occurs, we create distance in relationships or cut
the other person off entirely. We can feel that this is a calm,
rational stance. After all, we are no longer affected by the
crazy, unreasonable behavior of the other, right?
Unfortunately, this act is fruitless. Emotional cut offs don’t
reflect healthy independence. They are a form of pseudo-
independence that is created when closeness is too
threatening. For the pseudo-independent person, closeness

is anxiety-provoking because it is not possible to become

close without losing one’s sense of “self.” If we disengage, we
are still emotionally reactive, both because the original
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relationship problem has not been resolved and because it is
highly likely that our reactivity will simply transpose itself upon
another relationship.
If we choose to disengage, we may also decide to ease our
emotional tension by directing our focus elsewhere. We may
drink too much, have an affair, discuss our relationship
problems at length with our friends and confidants (but not
with the person who is the locus of the unhappiness), form
intense attachments with our children as a way of avoiding our
partner or spouse or turn to our parents hoping they will be our
allies. Unfortunately, while these tactics might ease our
feeling of tension, they will do nothing to address or resolve
the existing relationship problem. And, again, they do not have
an impact upon our emotional reactivity. It will continue to
thrive, finding another relationship in which to put down roots.
Martha Jackson Oppeneer, D.Min., LMFT

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