Shreyas Kamat Period: 7 10-31-2009 The Fish Story: A Young Mans Search for the Truth By: Tim

Kochendefer Doctor Hwangbo: Ah, lets see. Ive been looking over your file for quite some time now. Strange dreams, anxiety, panic attacks Tim: I dont suffer from panic attacks. Doctor Hwangbo: Oh, sorry, my mistake, Boo! Tim: Ah! Doctor Hwangbo: Panic attacks. All of these symptoms seem to stem from fish. Well, except for the panic attacks, whish seem to stem from me. Tell me, what do you think is causing this Tim? Tell me a bit about your family. Intro: We all have one or two weird relatives. Some are so strange its hard to believe that theyre even human. And some might not even be human. The Fish Story by Tim Kochenderfer. Tim: My uncle drank like a fish, the whole family would agree. But as time progressed I noticed other things about my uncle, such as the flippers, gills and a tail. Finally, one day I realized, my uncle was a fish. I decided to take the case to my grandmother. Tim (Child): Grandma, Uncle Jeff is a fish and theres no way around it. Grandma: Have some candy you silly boy.

Tim (Child): But Grandma, he is a fish! I can prove it!

Grandma: Have some candy you silly little boy. Tim (Child): Grandma! Grandma: Tim. Tim (Child): Grandma! Grandma: Candy. Tim: My grandmother wouldnt lie to me but there was that one time when she told me before a geography test that the world was flat. I failed that entire exam. Then there were all those times she would wake me up at three in the morning and tell me it was time for school. Come to think of it, my grandmother had lied to me about almost everything there was. Tim: I decided that if I wanted answers, I would have to turn to the outside world for help. Tim: I decided to seek the advice of my Government teacher, Mister Chattopadhyay. Tim (Teenager): Mister Chattopadhyay, I have a problem. Mister Chattopadhyay: A problem, eh? Want to take it outside? Tim (Teenager): No, its not that type of problem. Mister Chattopadhyay: So you dont want to fight me? Im sorry, Im just a bit jumpy Whats this problem? Tim (Teenager): Well, my uncle

Mister Chattopadhyay: Are you sure you dont want to go a couple rounds? I really need to blow off some steam. Tim (Teenager): Yes, Im sure. Mister Chattopadhyay: Im sorry, go on with you problem. Tim (Teenager): Anyway, my uncle is a fish and my whole family is trying to convince me that hes a human. Every time I try to tell someone my problem, they think Im crazy. Mister Chattopadhyay: I know how you feel. I used to think that my cousin was a jackal just because his fist name was Jack and his middle name was Al. I was so terrified of him, every time he would come over I would run and hide. Tim (Teenager): So you do understand? Mister Chattopadhyay: Not at all, I just made that story up. Tim (Teenager): Mister Chattopadhyay, here. Thats a picture of my Uncle Jeff. Tell me what you see here. Mister Chattopadhyay: Ahh! A jackal! Tim(Teenager): What?! No its not.

Mister Chattopadhyay: Let me see that. Thats fish. Tim (Teeenager): You really think it looks like a fish? Mister Chattopadhyay: Hmmm, well I could see too how it could be an Uncle Jeff.

Tim(Teenager): What?! Mister Chattopadhyay: Look, Tim, being black in America is not easy. Tim(Teenager): Im not black. Mister Chattopadhyay: What? Hey your not black are you? Neither am I. And its not continually dark outside either. Man, I should have cleaned these things a long time ago. Tim (Teenager): This has nothing to do with my problem. Mister Chattopadhyay: I know. Tim, high school is a time for finding yourself and who you are. I colonial days a man would usually find himself by running away to a life at sea. In you case I would recommend not only running away to the sea, but also joining a gang of pirates, if you can. Tim (Teenager): I immediately left after school that day to begin my venture. I headed out east, to sail the seven seas, where men were men and fish were fish and not vice versa. Tim: Its nice to meat you Blackboard. Blackbeard: Darr, The names Blackbeard! Nobody calls me Blackboard!! Tim (Teenager): Sorry. Blackbeard: So tell me matey, what brings thee to the sea? Tim (Teenager): Its kind of complicated. You see my uncle is a fish and no one believes me, so Im off to the waters where men are men and fish are fish. Blackbeard: Darr, matey, you expect me to believe you uncle is a fish?

Tim (Teenager): Well Blackbeard: Arrgh matey, tis nothing to be ashamed of. Why we have all sorts of medications for that! Come onboard. Tim: On board the ship my eyes fell on man who looked oddly familiar. Blackbeard: Yarr, get back below deck. Jeff: But you said I could come up for air when we reached shore. Blackbeard: Yarr, whatever. Tim (Teenager): Whos that? Blackbeard: That be our pet fish. Jeff: I am not a fish. My name is Jeff. Tim: I all hit me. Jeff was the spitting image of Grandpa. Tim (Teenager): Did you say your name was Jeff? Jeff: Yes, I was accidentally switched for a fish by pirates at the airport when I was a teenager. Ever since then Blackbeard is convinced Im his pet fish. Tim (Teenager): So youre my real Uncle Jeff! Tim:

I proceeded to tell Jeff the entire story of what I had been through. I explained to him how I needed to bring him back home with me to prove that he was our real uncle. Jeff: But how are we going to get of this ship? Tim: Dont worry about that. I have a plan. Jeff: So whats this elaborate plan? Tim: We are going to sing. Tim: Sing? Jeff: Sing. Jeff: Hey Blackbeard, (Sing Blackbeard: Arrgh, stop singing! Jeff & Tim: (Continue singing) Blackbeard: Shutup!!! Jeff: This is never going to work! Anyway, Ive been aboard this ship eighteen years and I know. Our only hope is to use reverse psychology. Jeff: Hey, Blackbeard I command you to let us of this ship. Blackbeard: Darr!! No one tells me what to do. Get of my ship!

Tim: And thats how we got home. Tim: This is it. So, are you ready? Jeff: I guess. Grandpa: Where in the hell have you been?! Grandpa: My days, young men didnt run off like that, they just sort of walked. Tim (Teenager): Listen everyone, I have an announcement to make! This is the real Uncle Jeff! Grandma and Grandpa accidentally switched him with a fish at the airport eighteen years ago! Grandpa: Your grandmother and I have never been to an airport son. To be honest with you, that fish we have been telling you is your uncle all these years is not your uncle. Actually, there is no such thing as your Uncle Jeff, you dont have one. We just made it up as a joke when you were born. We thought it would be something fun to tease you about when you were a child. Tim (Teenager): I cant believe this! How could you Grandpa: But the important things is that you are no longer a child. This whole incident in you life has proven to us that you are a man. Congratulations son! Im damn proud of you! Tim (Teenager): Grandma I dont understand! Grandma: Have some vegetables you silly little man, have some vegetables. Tim: And I havent been the same since.

Dr. Phillps: Wow. Tim: Wow? Dr. Phillps: Yeah, wow. Tim: So whats the diagnosis? Dr. Phillps: The diagnosis? Yeah, well I Well, here. (Dr. Phillps hands Tim his notepad. Tim reads it.) Tim: Stone-cold crazy? Thats all it says. Is that even a medical term? Doctor Phillips: Well, Im not really trained I guess to hear that level of craziness,