An essay for someone I still miss from time to time, written about a year ago as a

text message.

ive thought about writing something like this for so long but i could never do it
because it was hard for me to pinpoint exactly what it was i needed to say about
what happened. its not like my other experiences where i was taught something
concrete and tangible; being with you was so transformative i cant even begin to
describe how things were when they werent different. i know that though: that i
am different. i think about who i was before you and who i became after you and
im surprised to see two different people. im surprised by how much ive changed
and how much of that is your work and even more surprised still by how little i
can quantify exactly what it is that changed in me. fundamentally, im a more kind
person. ive become so much more compassionate and encouraging, ive turned
my outlook on life around, i respond so differently to hardship, and ive got this
drive in me to not just see a better way but to clear a path. i cant know with any
real certainty if this was all because of you or if i was on this journey already and
you were just icing on the cake, but i have to say that meeting and getting to
know and eventually getting to love you was a privelage unlike anything ive ever
experienced in my life, and one i am sure ill never experience again. you hold a
special place in my heart as the girl who saved me from who i had grown up to
be. you shed light on the kindest parts of me and glowed with a beautiful pride
as it showed through. i didnt have to pretend to be anyone i wasnt with you. i
was honest with you and so were you with me. you reached out to me in ways
that i didnt even trust myself with and because you were so sure that i was doing
right by you i believed you. it wasnt perfect for a long time but that is what i think
makes it so meaningful to me, because it wasnt immediate. we worked hard to be
what we were, and even if it was a while ago i still feel honored that i was able to
have an experience like that. i spent a really long time after you had to go feeling
like id been left behind but i realize that i wasnt left behind, i just had to let you
go. it would be so selfish of me to try to keep all the light of what you are to
myself, brilliant and dazzling as you are. when you left and i had to come to
terms with the fact that that was it, it taught me that all the beautiful things in life
are beautiful because they are gone too soon. but just because beautiful things
are finite, doesnt mean we should not enjoy them. in fact i think because they are
finite it is our responsibility to enjoy the good things as they come as they are
when they are with us. some of the final talks we had when we were together
were about having to start over because we would be different people, and i
think that still holds true. we are different people. every day we are different
people, and every day we grow further and further away from the people we
were when you were here. somehow though, that doesnt make me sad, it makes
me so overwhelmingly proud of you. it makes me so proud because i recognize
that no matter what, life moves on and you will go and find your joy wherever
you go. you are a radiant ball of sunshine wherever you go, a beautiful, beautiful
gift to everyone who crosses pathes with you, and i am uniquely privileged to
have shared in your warm glow for some time. i actually cannot physically express
how proud of you i am, and everytime i think of you i am just flooded with a
sense of adoration for the person youve made in me. i know you didnt mean to,
and i know you probably dont think you did, but you turned me into a really,
really good person, and i cant thank you enough for that. to me we are seeds of a
tree, sharing in history, but off on our own journeys to grow wherever we take
root. one thing is for certain in my eyes, and that is that no matter what, you gave
me hope that i can be a better person, and that no matter what there will always
be kinder, gentler, more beautiful things in this world. the distance has made us
strangers again but to me thats okay because whoever you are now, wherever
you are in life, whatever becomes of you, i want you to know that youll have me
cheering u on from ur corner wherever life takes you. thank you for our
wonderful year, and thank you very much for sharing a small part of your
beautiful life with me. heres to many more years growing apart, but growing all
the same