The Covert Power Moves (& How to Handle Them)

thepowermoves.com/courses/power-university/lessons/social-skills-advanced/topic/the-covert-power-moves-how-
to-handle-them

Watch Video At: https://youtu.be/isO9KGkru48

The high-level definition of a power move is:

Any action that affects the power dynamics of interaction.

The definition of a covert power move is:

A power move that is delivered in a guise that seems neutral, apologetic, or even value-
adding or submissive, while actually increasing the power and/or status of the power mover,
and potentially disempowering the victim.

Some “power-taking” (= that reduce your power) power moves are easy to spot.

But some of them are not.

Some can actually seem friendly on the surface, and most people miss the real meaning of
them.

What’s the problem with that?

The problem with covert power moves is that most people miss them. And when you
miss covert power moves, you lose power, status, or authority, without
realizing it. And without being able to do anything about it.

Think of covert power moves as a sort of “subliminal” messages that fly under the radar.
This lesson will help you read these “subliminal” power moves through concrete
examples.

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But first, let me clear this out:

Covert Power Moves Can Have Both Good Intentions While Also Being Harmful

This is important to understand.

Many covert power moves contain both an honest emotional component, and a
power component.

That means that some people are being honest with their “sorry” or “friendly” support.
But the power component of the covert power move also means that even when people
seek to be kind, they are still disempowering you, decreasing your status, or, maybe worst
of all, implanting disempowering beliefs and mindsets in your brain -and we don’t want
that-.

Understanding that some covert power moves are meant in friendliness is also important
to correctly deal with them.
Since many covert power moves contain a kind part, and a power move, if you escalate the
power component only, you can easily look too aggressive, too defensive, or too
emotional.
Especially so in business contexts.

Go through this lesson first, and then look at this example.

It will show you what happens when you address covert power moves focusing only on the
power component:

– Covert power moves with business partners

Covert Power Moves

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Some covert power moves are very common.

And they sometimes hide behind social conventions.

But don’t get swayed by their commonalities: they can still have a major impact on power
dynamics.
As a matter of fact, because they are so common they have a disproportionate impact on
social dynamics.

Let’s review them:

1. “I Was Busy“
This is one of the most common and pervasive power moves out there.

But don’t let the pervasiveness fool you, because this is the rule of thumb: the more
people are too busy for you, the more subservient to them you are.

This is what “too busy” says:

I was busy (with more important things) to take care of your (less important) thing

You, or your task, were not high priority enough for them to take care of.
“Sorry I was busy” says that they have more important things to do and, ultimately, that
they are more important than you (higher social status).

But could it be that they were really just too busy?

Of course!
And even then, it’s still a power move.

Just think about it: would anyone who cares about their job be too busy for their boss? Or
for the man/woman they want to marry and be forever with?
Exactly.
It’s rarely a matter of business, and far more often a matter of priority. Telling
someone you were too busy is akin to saying “you aren’t high enough a priority”.

Similar expressions are:

I didn’t have time

I had to take care of a few things

I meant to get back to you, but then a few things came up..

Beating “I Was Too Busy”

Imagine this dating scenario:

You: Hi Gina, I wrote you the other day to schedule a coffe

Her: Yes, sorry I was crazy busy these days

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Let’s analyze a few ways most people reply to that:

You: what were you busy with?

This is not ideal because she is now expanding and focusing on everything which is a
higher priority than you are.
Also, it’s possible that she wasn’t busy with anything, which is forcing her to make up
stories now. That reinforces in her mind you are a bothersome man she is bending over
backward… In order to avoid.

Not what you want.

Here is another typical reply:

You: No worries, life happens

This is the neutral reply.

It’s good because making an excuse for her yourself, it gets her off the hook and does not
make you a burden.
But it’s still not ideal. You are downplaying her non-reply, but you are also still the one
down.

A more power-aware reply is:

You: Yeah, I know. Sorry I didn’t ping you sooner, sometimes life just gets too hectic

It implies she wasn’t high priority enough to pursue harder, and that you too are busy.

Here is a stronger power move reply:

You: All cool. I just got back in town from a video shoot and wanted to catch up
(attaches a cool picture)
How have you been.

This one takes a more active approach to raise his own value.

“how have you been” ends with a covert power move of his own, since probably she hasn’t
been doing anything that compares to his picture.

And if you two aren’t very close, and you’re meeting in person, here is the direct power
move reply:

You: That’s how life goes most of the times. (looking at her with a fake embarrassed
expression) Sorry… I’m really bad with names…
Oh yeah right, of course Gina!

And here are the answers to a similar “sorry I didn’t reply” plotted on a chart:

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 Clueless Smarter Power Mover

“I have No Sorry the delay, I just got back from a crazy world tour (attach
noticed” worries pic of stunning sea sunset). How have you been!

“I was We all get Yeah, same here, I became a monk during our launch phase.
waiting busy Thankfully done now! (attach pic of celebrating with
for it” champagne). Done anything exciting on your end?

Why You Reply.. (pretend don’t understand)? Oh right (you just

didn’t didn’t.. ? I remembered her). Sorry I’m really bad with names.. (fake
you didn’t embarrassed)?
notice…

Handling ith with collaborative frames

And, finally, of course, we get the collaborative frame technique.
See an example here:

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I reply one day late as well, and when I say “we can be quicker” I imply that we were both
slower.
This is a technique of both “pacing & leading”, and “power aligning”: you have the power

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to keep me waiting, but so do I.
And then, the leading part: “give me your private ID, since we can be quicker there”,
which is also a win-win.

2. “I’m Sorry“
Would you ever think that “I’m sorry” could be a power move?

I hope so.
If not, welcome to Power University!

Think of the power relationship it entails: “sorry” means that someone has hurt you,
wronged you, or caused you harm.
And, from a social power point of view, power usually rests with the one who has
the most power to hurt the other.

Imagine all these situations:

Her: Honey, I’m sorry you felt hurt that me and Max spoke for so long

True Meaning: I’m sorry (that I am so attractive and above your league that you get hurt so
easily because of it)

Or imagine this one:

Coach: I’m sorry that I yelled at you in front of the team

True Meaning: “I’m sorry that I (can) yelled at you (while you have to take it) in front of the
team (and ruined your reputation so easily… Because I can ruin your reputation).

Or:

Boss: I’m sorry that I said you’re useless in front of the customer

True Meaning: “I’m sorry I’m the boss and you are the underling, and even if you bring the
customers in, I can still pull rank on you any time I want“.

And here is a video example from Spread:

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Watch Video At: https://youtu.be/RonrK-166F0

Him: “I’m sorry for what happened (I called you an asshole, I kicked you out, I called you a
whore)… I’m sorry “

He reminds her that he kicked her out (very dominant) and that he made her feel bad
(very powerful).

Notice also her reply.

She is a very socially skilled woman and doesn’t commit the obvious mistake of saying
“it’s OK” or “no problem”.

Why would have that been a bad move?

Because “it’s OK” would expand the power-down thread, and further confirm his power
over her.

Instead, she cuts right past the “I’m sorry” power move. Not bad!

This is not to say that every single “I’m sorry” are power moves, of course.
Some are genuine and some give you power. But on the other hand, some of them are
100% power moves: check out this example.

What I am saying is that, often, the power flows away from the receiver and on to the
apologizer.
The receiver must be aware of it and maneuver to minimize, neutralize, or potentially
even invert that power differential.

Beating “I’m Sorry”

How do you react to “I’m sorry” power moves?

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If it’s a power move, don’t say “thank you for saying that”.
And of course, don’t look like you were indeed hurt by their behavior, and don’t let the
exchange linger on the apology phase for too long.

Why not?

Because the longer you linger on the “sorry” phase, the more you highlight
you’re the one down.

Instead, minimize it, rebuild your own status with a quick comment, and then move on
quickly.
Something like this:

You: nono, it’s all good, I’m (doing) great and been crazy busy with X. Anyway, I’ve heard
that…

A good power move reply can also be:

You: I forgive you

By saying “I forgive you”(or: “I accept your apology”) you shift the power from them to
you. You could decide whether or not to forgive them, and you decided to grant
absolution.

If you want to go down harder, you should make the apology a real apology.
Like this:

Boss: I’m sorry that I said you’re useless in front of the customer
You: Thank you. Do you see why I had to flag that? It was bad for me, of course, but also
for us as a company.
Boss: I do, and that’s why I’m telling you I’m sorry
You: If you understand why it wasn’t cool, then we can move on
Boss: Great
You: I am really glad to hear that, thank you boss. Back to doing some great stuff together
now. Let’s do lunch as soon as we’re free, cheers!

The above is tricky if it was your boss, and depending on the environment and the power
dynamics, you might have to be far more careful.
If it was a colleague, you could go down a bit harder, too. For example, you make him
promise that it won’t happen again. For example: “But make sure it won’t happen again
please”.

Exceptions: When I’m sorry gives you power

There are situations where just “I’m sorry” is enough to rebalance the power.
For example, if the coach yelled at you in front of the team and you requested him to
apologize to you in front of the whole team again, then it’s your power move. In that case,
you can take charge of it and build upon it.
Say “it’s OK coach, I’m glad you are making up for it. We can move on”.

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Something similar happened to me with one of those crazy office bitches that yells at
people when they’re losing control (more on it in the lesson on toxic colleagues).
She later approached me with my colleague while we were at lunch and profusely
apologized. Since she was rather high-rank, and known to be super tough, that raised my
status big time with my colleague.

Avoid Using “I’m Sorry” As a Power Move

This course is here to make you a high-powered value-adding individual.

And high-powered, value givers don’t usually go around pulling power moves on others -
unless strictly, needed, of course-.

So whenever you’re in the position of delivering an “I’m sorry” which sounds like a power
move, you might want to avoid.
Here’s an example:

Example: Protecting People’s Power

This is a good example of advanced social skills.

A student for this same course once called me right when I was in line to check-in.
I picked up hoping I could solve the call before my turn came.

But sooner than I expected, I had to check-in.

So I was forced to apologize and hung up in a rushed manner. Definitely not how I am to
treat a respectful and value-adding customer.

Little later, I contact him again via email.

But imagine if I had said “sorry for hanging up on you”.
That would have said that:

1. I was in the power position to hang up

2. he was the power down
3. I had been rude
4. he was on the receiving end of my poor behavior

That’s the last thing I’d want.

Luckily, we can fix that with some good communication techniques.

So, look at how I phrase it:

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Imagine being on the receiving end of both of those statements: “sorry for hanging up”
and “apologies for going through check-in”. See what a huge difference?
I do not even mention the potentially nasty-sounding words of “hanging up”. I mention
the problem I was facing, and I take the blame.

This is an example of “saving people’s face”, which we will review again later as this is an
important skill to get good with people.
Socially smart folks will use this format with you. When you see someone using it, you
know they are being warm towards you, and that they are some socially smart cookies -
someone you might want in your corner-.

3. Forgetting You (Or Pretending To)

The dynamic is the same as with being busy:

the less someone remembers you, the more important they make themselves
to be.

When someone doesn’t remember or, sometimes, pretends they don’t remember you,
they are saying that you are a low priority in their life -or that their life is so full of
important things that they must be higher quality than you are-.

The mistake that many do here is trying to help the power mover remember you. For
example, by sharing more details about you, who you are, where and how you met.
Big social mistake.
When you help people remember you, you are playing into their hands and
further highlighting the power differential.

Dealing With Forgetful Power Movers

Look at this scene from “Play the Game” and think of what he is doing wrong:

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Watch Video At: https://youtu.be/YVSJNiniBy8

As he helps her remember him one issue becomes more and more obvious: she didn’t care
enough to remember.
On the other hand, he remembered everything about her, thus communicating it was a big
thing for him.
He is heavily invested, she is not.
SOLUTIONS:
If he had pretended not to remember, it would have been a neutral interaction instead.
Alternatively, after he had already admitted he knew her, he could have pretended it was a
vague memory.

Indeed, a simple solution to deal with forgetful power moves is pretending you
also don’t remember.

Or if you already told them where you remember them from, then say it’s just a vague
memory and move on right away.

Or, finally, you can say you are confusing them with someone else because “there are lots
of blondes in this city”, or whatever peculiar characteristic they have, which is also slightly
demeaning.

4. Covert Frames
This is a preview of the frames’ lesson.

We will review frames through two different types of questions:

– Loaded question = a question that presupposes

– Leading question = a question that nudges you towards a certain answer

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They’re not the same, but for our purposes in this lesson, there’s enough overlap that we
can consider them together.

Both of them are designed to wrestle control of the interaction and push you either into a
defensive position or into the option the asker has chosen for you -which rarely if ever is
the option you want to be in-.

Sometimes loaded questions are obvious, but many more times they are not as easy to
spot. An example of a loaded question could be your partner being emotional and asking
you:

Her: how could you do such a terrible thing to me

If she says it very emotionally her words sound congruent and many people miss the
preconceived frame those words entail.
The preconceived frame within that expression is that you did do something terrible.

Of course, you might have done something bad.

But who says it was “terrible”?
Maybe it was just “bad” or it was a “terrible mistake”, which is much different than just
“terrible”.

By accepting the adjective “terrible” though, you are immediately cast as the evil one, and
at that point, you can only explain, defend and hope to make it up to your partner.

Beating Covert Frames (& Loaded Questions)

Loaded questions are attempts to lead you, or trick you, into accepting the interrogator’s
frame of reference.

And when you do accept it, it doesn’t even matter how you reply to the question.
Whether you agree, defend or push back, you are still buying into their frames.

The only way to answer loaded questions is by rejecting them.

And two particularly effective ways of rejecting the frame are to:

1. Explain why don’t agree with their choice of words and change it to what’s most suitable
2. Explain them -and to everyone around- what their game is (“going meta” technique)

You want to use the first one when you want to be kind and understanding.
The above example with your partner would look something like this:

Him: How could you do such a terrible, terrible mean thing to me

Her: Honey, I have no words to say how sorry I am. Let me just say it wasn’t mean, or out
of meanness. I have an issue with controlling my spending. And taking your credit card was
the biggest mistake of my life. I have an issue I need to cope with, I do realize that.

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In this case, he didn’t even go after the word “terrible”, which would have probably led to
an argument over the gravity of his actions.
But embedded in his own reply there is a reframing of the situation from “terrible and
mean” to “issue and mistake”.

And here is an example with the second one:

My reply deals with the frame of the question before even addressing the content. After
that, I went back to friendly / professional tone and addressed the content.

5. “How Can I Help You With“

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We have already seen this one in the power introduction lessons.

You deal with it by removing yourself from the “helped” position and removing them from
the “helper” position.

6. “That’s Why I Like You“

This sounds like a compliment, but it’s nothing more than judgment (masked as positive).

Remember that it’s the more powerful individual who judges others (judge role).

Hence, the person who says they like you are passing judgment towards you.
The compliment receiver is basically doing a good job to be liked by the more powerful
compliment giver.
Not really an enviable power position to be in, is it.

Here is an example from the movie The Wolf of Wall Street:

Watch Video At: https://youtu.be/EQlgrw31St0

Wolf: That’s why I love you (while he puts his hand around him)

Right there you know Di Caprio is the most powerful man in the room.

This is also a move Trump often engages in.

Trump praises people publicly for doing “a good job”. He often has no idea whether they
are actually doing a good job, because he uses it as a power move only.
He even said it to Comey before firing him.
When Trump says “good job” he is simply positioning himself as the judge and as the
most powerful man who is checking up on others.

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6.2. “I like him… If he keeps doing the type of Job I like”
Here is an even more extreme example with Macron:

Watch Video At: https://youtu.be/my-4UIH4uRA

Trump says Macron will do a great job, but “it’s only a prediction”.
It’s as if Trump is implying that he will be watching him.

Similar power moves are:

That’s why I hired you

That’s what you are here for

This guy is a genius

Even telling to someone “I love your idea” also has an element of power in it.
It means that the person who compliments is the final judge of merit -or, at least, an
important judge of merit-.

7. “Should I Really Tell You?”

Here is another innocent-looking one.

Anything that sets a frame of someone “letting you in an important truth” is also pulling a
covert power move.
We call these “knowledge authority power moves”.

The rule of thumb is: the individual dispensing truths dominates intellectually,
while the individual listening attentively is subservient.

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With this gambit, people entrench their authority position -or outright make it up- as the
knowledge dispensers, which confers them power over you (the non-knowledgeable
party).

Here are different versions of this move:

– Do you wanna hear the truth

– Should I tell you what it really means
– Do you want to know how it really works

It’s a shrewd technique to achieve three things:

1. Draws attention to what they’re about to say

2. Highlights they know their stuff -and you don’t-
3. Make you a follower when you reply “yes”

Beating “Knowledge Authorities”

Never replies to those type of questions with a “yes” or, worse, “yes please”.

When you reply “yes” you confirm they’re authority, and that they have power over you.

Here is one way to handle it instead:

Him: Not really. Should I tell you what that really means for our business
You: Please (say it with an intonation that actually conveys “please go ahead”)
Him: Bla bla bla
You: Good observation. Thank you for sharing that!

Simple and effective.

“Please” is a power move on its own, and it’s often used to convey orders in a more
“socially acceptable way”. And with that, you switch the tables and frame the knowledge
dispenser like the one following your lead.

Another technique could be to question his knowledge authority. For example “and what
makes you an authority about my business”?
But that way, you might lose important feedback or wisdom.
As a matter of fact:

Exceptions: When people are TRULY knowledgeable (& you’re not giving
back)
If the person pulling this power move IS an authority, then you can consider this a very
mild power move.

It’s possible that they say that as a way to gain some more social credit, or as a bit of an
ego-stroking for sharing their knowledge.
In social exchange terms, I call this “romancing”, which is a mild and often acceptable

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form of social credit scalping.

But it all depends on your relationship.

If they’re really knowledgeable, and if you have been giving them zero acknowledgment,
then this is fair-exchange marketing and you were the one in debt from a social exchange
point of view.
Remember the social exchange rule: if they are sharing great wisdom, then you must give
something back.

8. Fixing Mistakes
Public corrections are often a way of decreasing your authority.

Of course, self-help gurus tell you to welcome criticism and learn from it.
And that’s true… As a general rule to improve.
But from a power point of view, the person fixing your mistakes is decreasing your
authority and increasing theirs.

We will deal with this one in the module on workplace power dynamics because mistake
fixers are the most powerful and most dangerous in business settings.

9. “All Good?” – The Owner Power Move

As a rule of thumb:

The individual who checks upon others is the leader. And the individual who puts
his well being in someone else’s hands is a follower.

The owner power move can be very simple, and consisting simply in asking you if
everything is good.

Since it’s leaders who take care that everything is running smoothly, the moment you
reply that everything is good, you are confirming that they are indeed taking care of you.
They are the host, owners or leaders. And you are either the guest or the submissive party.

Mo Greene in The Godfather is a good example of the owner power move:

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Watch Video At: https://youtu.be/9DZNDEqcSi0

Mo Greene: You got everything you want? The chef cooked for you special, the dancers
will kick your tongue out and your credit is good. Draw chips for everyone in the room so
they can play on the house.

Just look at how he moves in the room, the questions he asks people and how he tells his
underlings to “give chips to everyone in the room” (ie.: playing good host with his guests).

Beating The Owner Power Move

Here is how you reply:

Him: How’s the night going mate, you enjoying yourself?

You: Hey man, what’s up (then go back to your own thing)

Here, you avoid answering his question, completely neutralizing his game, and actively
taking social value away from him (when you refuse to comply or answer you decrease
their social status).

Him: How’s the night going mate, you enjoying yourself?

You: Hey man, thanks for asking, I hope you’re having a blast (pat him on his shoulder)

Here you remove his frame of “taking care of you” and playing the same game back on
him “I hope you’re having a blast”.

10. “I’m Doing This Just For You”

Can you spot this one now?

Remember the lesson on social exchanges?

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Well, this is an example of “social credit scalping”.

“You owe me” leverages the social exchange rule whereby the one who owes is the one
down in the relationship and, it’s implied, he should make up for it if he wants to be
an honorable man.

Some more examples:

Him: I really wanted to eat it, but I saved it just for you

Him: I’ve done you an intro with X because I wanted you to be the first one in the door

See what these statements do?

They either set up (fake) roadblocks they had to go through to deliver “just for you”, or
they oversell their favor.
Either way, they imply that you owe them big.

How do most people answer to these statements? They answer with “ohh thank you“,
which only underline that, indeed, now they owe them.

See here another example:

Beating Social Scalping

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How do you answer this power move?

By neutralizing the “giver/taker frame”.

Here are some examples:

Him: I really wanted to eat it, but I saved it just for you
You: Awesome, thank you so much, I would have done the same for you. But I can’t touch it
unless we are going to share it

Here you tell them you would have done the same (implying they aren’t doing anything
special).
And then you further even the relationship by giving back.

Him: I’ve done you an intro with X because I wanted you to be the first one in the door
You: Oh yeah, I know these guys, a friend of mine works there and I applied a week ago.
But thanks man, your intro might help speed up!

Here you tell them that you appreciate their help, for sure.
But that you’re not an idiot fully dependent on him and you’re taking your own steps in
the right direction.

Another way of neutralizing this power move is by using the same technique back on
them.
See this example:

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If it’s not yet clear and you need more information, check this forum entry here.

11. “Reward” Power Move

Look at this picture, a post from Linkedin, and think how it feels to you:

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 Him: She has done an amazing job (…) For that reason, we are giving her an opportunity to
work in Brazil for the next 3 months

If it felt somewhat off and patronizing, maybe slightly annoying, too, then chances are you
start “feeling” power dynamics already.

He is basically saying:

She has been so good at doing her job so far (for which I am the final judge)… That now we
are giving her this little reward (keep doing the good job and we’ll keep liking you)

It’s the equivalent of the dog’s treat.

“you be a good boy, and you’ll get the treat”.

The gift is conditional on you doing his job the way he likes.
Stop doing the job the way he likes, and you’re out of treats.

Extremely disempowering.

The “gift” comes with strings attached or, shall we say, with a leash attached.

And this is true for many “awards”. The power dynamics of awards are that you are being
judged and someone else is doing the judging.

And when the awards are given by people who have actual authority over you, then the
power dynamics can be even more oppressive.
Because as they imply they are in a power position over you, they also imply you must
keep doing the same job if you want to be liked and rewarded by them.

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Some individuals feel emotionally validated by these token awards from the authority
position.
And when they do, they end up in a “child/parent” relationship where they crave the
authority’s approval and suffer when the approval is withdrawn.

P.S.:

Women being more aware of power dynamics, the lady in the example caught on to the
oppressive power move.
And she made sure to put in her last, rebellious word, to negate his power over her.

See her reply here:

Her: We will see if it’s just for a short period of time

She implies that how long her assignment will go for is up to her.
It denies the extent of his authority over her. Is she even implying she’s got the power to
quit the company and find something else in Brazil? Possibly…
But then she ends up on a positive note and confirming her loyalty, thus ending with a
more collaborative frame.
Great move.
She did very well here (and he had it coming).

12. “All I Care Is You Doing Well”

This is a “babying power move”.

When people tell you that “all they care is you doing well”, they are being kind.
On the surface.
But they are also taking a father-role in the interaction.

The issue with that?

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You are pushed in the baby role. And babies have no power and authority.

Beating The “I Take Care of You” Power Move

The simplest form of addressing this is:

You: Thank you man, I appreciate you saying that. I care even more to see you doing well.
Now about the issue we were talking about..

It accepts their friendliness, which can be a good thing if they truly mean it, and then
simply plays the same game back.
But it calls their game out by exaggerating a bit, saying that “you care even more” about
them-.
That can sound silly, but so are babying power moves among adults. And it puts them and
the people around on notice: don’t baby me, or I’m babying you even more.

The first thread I invited you to read later in this lesson has many examples of babying
power moves (including a good come-back example).
See it here:

– Babying in business

13. Virtue Signaling Power Moves

Finally, we get to our good friends, the virtue signalers.

Virtue signaling offers “support” that rarely gives anything in terms of actual support,
while allowing the supporter to goad in their own power and/or kindness.

See an example here:

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To me, this is extremely offensive, too. it implies that people don’t see her “black friends”,
addressed as a group, which de-individualizes them. Worst kind of virtue-signaling.

After the murder of George Floyd, much of society was all playing a big covert power
move on colored people.
Since it’s a covert power move coated in kindness, you cannot address it in anger, or you
look like an antisocial nutcase who is unable to accept some love.

You need to reclaim your personal power a bit more tactfully.

For example:

White person: (chest out, with the pride of the self-appointed savior) You have all my
support. I stand with you!
Black person: Thanks. But like “you” who, and… For what? (a simple question that will
dismantle his whole self-righteous frame)
White person: For the racism man. That’s disgusting that you guys must go through that so
often. I can’t imagine what it’s like
Black person: Thank you, I appreciate your friendliness (don’t call it “support”).
I suppose some policemen see some races with more animosity than others, in limited
cases (reframe the problem as localized, instead of general).
But hey, I’m Alex (shrugh shoulders, as if to say “I’m me”, and distance yourself from the
group, reclaim your power as an individual).
And personally, I’m doing great (reclaim your power as an individual 2).
I see life as a world of opportunities, not threats (frame yourself as a high quality man, not
as “a black dude”). This is a life of opportunity for those who want to take them (swtich the
tables: maybe he could use some of your support, instead?)

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If you are interested in these particular dynamics of virtue signaling, and how can they
can be mentally harmful, check out the full article here or the forum entry here.

14. “The Judge” Compliments and Rewards

Finally, I’d like to remind you again of the judge role.

The judge has power, but that power is often expressed through covert power moves of
compliments and rewards.

Sentences like “I’m impressed”, “well done”, “great job”, all convey that the judge
appreciates. But to keep that appreciation coming, the receiver must continue to
“impress” the judge and “do well” in the judge’s eyes.

We will revisit this concept in the last module, the “leveling up” on emotional intelligence.

15. “You Can Do It”

You know those (cheap) “supportive” messages, like:

You can do it!

Or:

Go there and smash it

They all frame you like you need their encouragement, and like they are in a position to
provide that encouragement, with suggests they are above you.

Even worse are encouragements like:

Be confident / strong / cool

Which suggests you are not confident / strong / cool enoguh.

The worst types of encouragements explicitly frame you as in a weak position.

For example, I remember a colleague who told me before a sales call with a potentially big
customer:

Don’t be afraid, remember that he shits and farts just like anyone else

On the surface, it seems like he was supporting and encouraging me.

But in truth, it framed the situation as if I should have been afraid, which is mentally
disempowering, nad like I probably was afraid, which is value-taking from a power and
status point for everyone who was in earshot.

“Keep Up The Great Work”

A very mild version of this covert power move is the ubiquitous “keep up the great work”.

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With “keep up the great work”, people are encouraging you to “keep on going”, which
might slightly frame you as needing encouragement.

Even more significantly, people telling you “keep up the great work” are placing
themselves at your same level in the status/power hierarchy.
So that sentence is inappropriate when people should be below you -for example, a report,
or someone who you are mentoring-.

Keep that in mind: who is telling you that sentence, and what your respective status is.

However, in general, among strangers and same-level people, “keep up the great work”
has become a standard sentence and an accepted way of complimenting someone.

So don’t necessarily make too much out of it.

Beating The Value-Taking Encouragements

The first rule is this:

1. Don’t confirm you will heed their encouragement

Don’t say “yes, I will be confident / cool / strong” or whatever, since that confirms that
their encouragement was, at least, fair to give.

Next:

Watch out for directly fighting the frame

Yes, saying “I’m not afraid” is powerful and can work, so don’t necessarily avoid it.

But there is a downside: it expands on a thread you might not want to expand -in this
case, the “fear” thread-.
Now people might be wondering “is he telling the truth? Is he a bit afraid?”.

Ignore / make little of it

Standard and evergreen technique.

Let it drop, don’t reply, ignore it.

Also a very detached “thanks”, said without looking at them, will work. You say “thanks”
as if you’re actually meaning “that was useless horseshit”.

Disempower their frame by indirectly showing their game

Imagine this dialgoue:

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 Him: You can do it man, go there and be persuasive (bad frame as people might wonder
about you “does he have the right attitude to sell?”)
You: Yes, I wasn’t actually planning on going there and being unpersuasive, but thanks
(pronounce that “but thanks” as if to say “I’m just saying out of politeness, but it was
useless”)

The “encouragement” is useless, since if you’re going into a situation in which persuasion
or selling is needed, it’s obvious that you will do your best to be persuasive.
The above reply outlines the uselessness of the “encouragement”, which in turn remove its
value-taking power.

You can also use this technique with a calm, phlegmatic response.
Think for example Bill Murray in “Groundhog Day” or both Murray and Johansson
characters in “Lost in Translation”.

But also with “I’m such a smartass” approach, think Tony Stark in “Iron Man” or, even
better, James Bond.

Disempower their frame with sarcasm

Same as above, with an ironic response:

Thanks, I was planning to go there and be as unpersuasive as possible, but now I know
better

SUMMARY
You have now learned about covert power moves.

This was an eye-opening lesson for many.

Remember though not to go too overboard.

Many people are being honest with their “I’m sorry” and, whether or not something was a
“power-taking” covert power move must be considered in the context of your relationship.

Questions? Open A Topic & Ask Here!

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